Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] Hey, moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[5] I feel like myself again.
[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.
[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.
[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with.
[19] with AG1.
[20] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[21] That's drinkag1 .com check it out.
[22] Do you have a child who loses it when plans change or when they face disappointment?
[23] I know you do because most strong -willed neurodivergent kids struggle with with this.
[24] So as we head into Christmas and this holiday season in which your kid's schedule is going to be all out of whack, I wanted to give you some practical tools to help when plans change.
[25] And that's what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.
[26] So welcome to Skirk Martin Founder Celebrate Calm.
[27] If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.
[28] Tell us the ages of your kids.
[29] What do they struggle with?
[30] We get together as a family.
[31] We discuss it.
[32] We email you back usually pretty quickly, even on Christmas Day because we know you're going to be around family and need extra help and we'll give you practical tools and I encourage you download our programs right to your phone on the way to Grandma's house.
[33] And by the way, if you get our programs, your spouse, your own parents can listen for free.
[34] So here's what's happening.
[35] Our kids tend to struggle with these changes and plans and disappointment is hard for them, transitions they struggle with.
[36] And it's partially because they have these very busy brains and it feels like their world is out of control and that's why they try to control things as much as possible just like those of you who are like engineers project managers and accountants right and our kids they can be bossy they try to cheat change the rules of the game or quit see that's all about controlling the outcome of the game sometimes they like to line things up in a certain way.
[37] We talked about them hiding acorns in their pockets.
[38] Things they have control up.
[39] Your kids also visualize things in their brains.
[40] They picture what they're going to do and then they lock onto that idea.
[41] And they even get emotionally invested in it.
[42] And when that happens, causes a lot of blowups when they don't get to do what they wanted to do.
[43] And it literally feels like their world is falling apart, even if it's something.
[44] something insignificant or easy for you to navigate because their inner world is falling apart, and so do that.
[45] So I want to cover two different examples.
[46] I'm going to try to do it pretty quickly because it's Christmas time.
[47] So you can work on this over the holidays.
[48] So here's the first question we got like, Kirk, our huge hurdle is when plans change and it's when our son gets this fixed mind, right?
[49] If someone's sick or a plan changes or like when you went to his granddad's house and his baby cousin was there so he couldn't play legos on the floor and he had to move to a different place he totally loses control and outcomes anger and sometimes destructiveness and then loss of any impulse control so what do we do to help him and my response is this is really common even in me i like order and structure i don't like for things to change it throws me off and i'm a grown adult so kind of normalize this there's not something wrong with your kids, right?
[50] And in some ways, there's nothing you can really do to prevent this or make it better quickly, but I think you can keep it from escalating too much.
[51] So I want you to try three things.
[52] And I try doing the following kind of quickly and succinctly.
[53] Number one, I acknowledge with some intensity that change things.
[54] Oh man, I hate when change happens.
[55] I hate it when that things work out like that.
[56] Acknowledging is a way of saying, I'm taking it seriously, I get it.
[57] And your feelings aren't wrong.
[58] It's normal.
[59] It's more normal to be frustrated when things don't go as planned.
[60] Because that is normal.
[61] Then I want you to remove yourself pretty quickly and give your child's space to process the disappointment without you being right there.
[62] So you start walking away and you start addressing a possible solution or options, but I want you to keep this in an even matter of fact tone.
[63] I don't want you to try to convince your child that it's okay.
[64] Oh, honey, it's okay.
[65] You know what?
[66] You can play with your Legos in the other room.
[67] I don't like that tone.
[68] It sounds kind of condescending.
[69] And you don't like it when your spouse does it too.
[70] And don't try to convince them that they shouldn't be upset.
[71] Just stay business -like.
[72] So you acknowledge.
[73] Oh, man, I hate it when that happens.
[74] Listen, I've got to go upstairs.
[75] I've got to help grandma.
[76] Here are a couple options for you to consider.
[77] And then see if giving their child some space, instead of talking to him, which makes kids upset.
[78] See if that calms them down more quickly.
[79] Look, I would not talk in this baby tone.
[80] A lot of us are people are doing that.
[81] Well, I know it's really hard, honey.
[82] That just sounds kind of condescending.
[83] And it sounds like you're trying to fix things sometimes.
[84] So I want to do this pretty quickly.
[85] Oh, man, that stinks.
[86] I hate it when that happens.
[87] Listen, I've got to go up, Grandma.
[88] hear a couple ideas for you to think about and then walk away sometimes giving them some space and time to process without you standing over them trying to convince them that everything's okay and they shouldn't be upset sometimes that helps a lot so try that so here's the second example that I wanted to do and the word I want you to remind remember is context our kids are often very big picture thinkers And part of the reason, this is a little bonus insight, when you tell them to do something, they say, why.
[89] It's not because they're always being defiant, disrespectful.
[90] If they could and they were mature enough, they'd say, hey, mom, dad, I heard what you told me to do.
[91] I know exactly what your expectations are.
[92] I wanted to know why you want that done because I may have a different way of doing it.
[93] And I like doing things my own way because I'm a stove toucher.
[94] And I like trying to figure things out.
[95] And your natural response as a parent is, I don't want you to really think, just do what I told you to do.
[96] But part of it is context because they want to know and try to figure out maybe there is a different way to do it.
[97] And to be honest, maybe there's an easier way to do it for them that isn't as hard as the other way.
[98] And sometimes they choose the harder way, right?
[99] But it's all about context.
[100] So let me set this up this way and I'll give you very practical application.
[101] So let's say you've told your child all week long like, hey, Saturday morning.
[102] It's going to be chill.
[103] We don't have any plans.
[104] You can get up.
[105] You can get on your Legos, play your video games, whatever you want to do.
[106] And your child is looking forward to it all week because the week is busy with school and homework and extracurriculars.
[107] So Saturday morning comes, your child's sitting on the floor, building with Legos, in their pajamas, and all of a sudden dad or mom comes into the room and says, hey, you need to pick up your Legos, put your shoes on, we need to go.
[108] And your child is going to ask, why?
[109] Why?
[110] And I have to be honest here, a lot of us takes like, well, why is he being disrespectful?
[111] He needs to get up right away.
[112] No, he doesn't.
[113] That would be weird to me. It would be weird if you had a kid who all week long was looking forward to doing this, was emotionally invested in it, and then all of a sudden someone comes in a room and says, put up your legos, pick up, put on your shoes, and we've got to go.
[114] And they just did it.
[115] That would be weird to me. I don't want a kid who's like, I want a kid who knows how to think and who does question.
[116] things sometimes I think it's up to us to not take it so personally all the time can't believe that he questions me well I can't believe that you're an adult that gets thrown off by that so the nice Christmas message isn't it grow up so but when he comes in and he asked that right that's a normal question so the child's gonna say why and then if your dad like me you're gonna say ours is not to question why ours but to do and die that's from the charge of the light brigade that was my dad's favorite quote.
[117] My dad was a career military with four boys.
[118] So then I'm going to yell and a child's going to be like, Dad, what?
[119] I was playing Legos.
[120] You told me because you know how they are.
[121] That sense of justice and fairness.
[122] You told me all week long and you can hear that in the voice, right?
[123] Then I was going to be able to play Legos and now you're a liar.
[124] Right now what's what happens?
[125] They start calling you a liar and you take that personally.
[126] You know, you're not going to call me names.
[127] That's disrespectful.
[128] You know what?
[129] I'm going to take your Legos for the rest of the week.
[130] That works out really well.
[131] So this big back and forth goes on and it's ugly.
[132] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface.
[133] And it's the same with acne.
[134] Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see.
[135] It's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[136] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[137] Whether your child is, just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years.
[138] Phila is the safe, effective, side effect free, and natural product that can help.
[139] Phila is like a spa treatment for your skin, gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene.
[140] It's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved.
[141] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[142] Tackle acne's root causes.
[143] Get 25 % sent off your first order of FILA with the code Calm.
[144] Go to phila .com and type in the code calm.
[145] That's P -H -Y -L -A dot com and use code word calm.
[146] So here's a different way to handle it.
[147] I'm going to go through my little script here and then I'll break it down why it's important.
[148] So imagine instead, I'll just do dad because I'm a dad and I like doing the dad voice.
[149] so dad comes into the room and says oh man jacob really cool lego project you're building listen plans changed your grandma called she's sick and i could use your help because do me a favor go in the pantry grab some soup put your shoes on look if you want pick up some of the legos put them in a bag we're going to go to grandmas and help her out but i promise when we get home this afternoon we are going to have all afternoon long and you can sit with play with legos and you know what, I'll build something with you too.
[150] Now, that took maybe an extra 25 seconds to say, but here's why I like it.
[151] I came in and the first thing I said was, hey, man, really cool Lego project you're working on.
[152] Because that's what's important to the kid at the time.
[153] It's just basic human communication.
[154] When I come into a room, it's not all about me and what I want.
[155] And it's just come in barking orders.
[156] Nobody's really going to listen to you.
[157] It's jarring.
[158] So the first thing that I do is I acknowledge where he is.
[159] You're having a good time building with your Legos and you're actually really good at that.
[160] Good.
[161] Then I say this.
[162] Hey, listen, plans have changed.
[163] That gives your strong will child like half a second in his brain to adjust to the, oh crap, because he knows what's coming.
[164] He's not going to get to play late with Legos right now.
[165] But you just set it up with, hey, listen, plans have changed.
[166] Grandma's sick.
[167] You don't have to go into all the things happening to grandma.
[168] I just said grandma's sick.
[169] There's context.
[170] Now there's a reason why I'm getting interrupted.
[171] Hey, I could really use your help.
[172] Now I gave an action step to the child a mission to be involved.
[173] Instead of kind of being the, what would it be?
[174] Not the victim of this, but the being acted upon.
[175] Hey, you know the thing that you do that you love more than anything else?
[176] Cut it out right now.
[177] put those Legos away.
[178] Put your shoes on and we're going to go to Grandma's house and you don't like Grandma's house because she smells like an old person, right?
[179] Like that's what it sounds like to our kids and instead when we come in and I make them a part of it and I said, man, I could really use your help.
[180] Could you grab a can of soup from the pantry?
[181] Throw your shoes on.
[182] We're going to go to grandmas and then I answer the next question because you can see it welling up in his face and his eyes.
[183] But I want to play with my Legos.
[184] When am I going to build with my Legos?
[185] And so I get that.
[186] Hey, we're going to be at Grandma's.
[187] We'll be home this afternoon.
[188] We've got nothing else planned.
[189] And I promise you're going to get to be able to do it.
[190] Now, if you're just lying to your child, you're setting yourself up for a huge afternoon meltdown.
[191] So I'd rather be honest and just say, look, I'll help you pick up the Legos.
[192] Let's put them in a box in a bag and take them to grandmas and we can build there either way here's what you've done you've acknowledged where they are you've given some context you have helped them adjust in their brains and you also answered that other question for them which is when am I going to get to do this again I like that a lot and I want you to start to try to do these things a lot of these things I want you to practice doing even kind of rehearse them in your brains it's part of the because it's part it's part of listening to the podcast a lot is getting this in listening to our programs on your phone it just gets the tone of voice inside of you and it just makes it easier in these situations because you can recall it in the moment at the very least here's what I want you to do even if you don't remember to do this over the holidays in these situations here's a couple and other tools slow down just slow down slow down and think it through for just a minute I'm going in here and I'm going to disrupt my child and pull him out of doing something that he really loves.
[193] How could I handle that in a different way?
[194] Do I walk in and do I sit down?
[195] It's like that example I've given when you pick your kids up from somewhere where they're having a great time.
[196] You're like, okay, ready to go?
[197] Well, the answer is going to be no, because they're having the best time ever with their friends.
[198] They're never going to say like, you know, Mom, I had such a great time.
[199] I'm just going to be grateful for the time that I did have.
[200] And I know that your time's really important and that you let me stay extra time.
[201] So I'm just going to get ready extra fast so we can go home.
[202] Again, that would be weird if kids said that.
[203] So anticipate this.
[204] Sometimes go back into your kid brain of what it was like before you became a miserable adult.
[205] I'm kidding, but we become overly responsible.
[206] And we're no longer, we're no longer childlike.
[207] And I'm not childish.
[208] You are childish when you have your own meltdowns, right?
[209] That's what we are.
[210] But be a little bit childlike.
[211] remember what it was like.
[212] We're so busy being overly responsible because I'm a parent.
[213] I've got to make sure that I drill into this kid every lesson in life that he's got to have.
[214] And even though he's seven or 14 and I'm 40, I'm going to try to jam in 40 years worth of wisdom into his head.
[215] Well, you didn't get that wisdom for 40 years.
[216] And so I want you to impart that.
[217] But the way that you impart that is very different with the strong will child because you can't push them.
[218] You can't force them.
[219] You've seen this.
[220] The more you try to push them, the more they resist.
[221] The best way it works is when you lead them and when you draw them to you.
[222] And it just takes a little different.
[223] Actually, it's a lot different approach.
[224] But you can master this.
[225] You can do this.
[226] And so if you need help reach out to us, it's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.
[227] I was trying to get this done in less than 15 minutes because you're busy parents.
[228] Anyway, hey, Merry Christmas.
[229] Happy Hanukkah.
[230] Happy holidays.
[231] Happy New Year.
[232] Happy life to all of you and I hope you enjoy time with your family if we can help you just let us know love you all bye bye