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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hi.
[17] Hello and welcome to a very special Christmas episode.
[18] La -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -la -l my favorite.
[19] The Devil Christmas episode.
[20] It's perfect.
[21] I was just wanted to let everyone know.
[22] Contrary to our last episode, what we said, we actually did get Stephen something for Christmas.
[23] We really did.
[24] Georgia went downstairs and then remembered that we were so, such good friends.
[25] Yeah.
[26] So kindly and grateful for Stephen's presence.
[27] Yeah.
[28] That we picked him up a little something at Ozarkland, which was a wonderful place that we stopped in between St. Louis and Kansas City.
[29] Someone called it a resting stop.
[30] Some call, they do call it a resting stop in the, in the deep south.
[31] There's fudge.
[32] There's, uh, there's wind chimes.
[33] Wind chimes.
[34] There's, um, like prank things.
[35] What do they call them?
[36] Yeah, like a electric gum or whatever you got.
[37] Oh, goofs.
[38] I say, goose eggs.
[39] There's moccasins, which I bought, and I'm not totally sure.
[40] is, I'm still not 100 % sure is not a cultural appropriation.
[41] I think it 100 % is.
[42] It is, right?
[43] It is, but I feel like that moccasins are sold by Native Americans or indigenous people.
[44] Are we sure about that?
[45] Aren't, aren't, no, I'm, of course, why would I ever fucking say that?
[46] Why would I say that?
[47] Here's what they also had at Ozark Land.
[48] Okay.
[49] A firework that is a chicken that shoots a firework egg out of its ass.
[50] Listen.
[51] My favorite thing, look.
[52] When has anything been better than that?
[53] It's simply the best.
[54] But then, oh, I'll tell you when something has been better than that.
[55] When we stumbled down the wooden jewelry box aisle, trying to pick gifts, and then Georgia spotted probably the greatest gift ever made that we had to buy for Stephen, which was, do you want to describe it, Stephen?
[56] It's your gift.
[57] I mean, it's nothing short of a majestic creation scene of dinosaurs and there's a. The sunset, and it's gorgeous.
[58] It's like a lockbox for your keepsakes.
[59] Yes, my...
[60] With dinosaurs, pot.
[61] Crystals, pot.
[62] It's a wooden pot box with dinosaurs, but not, like, carved in.
[63] It's not like wood burning tool thing.
[64] It's just a picture of dinosaurs like near Lake.
[65] It's a beautiful mural.
[66] Yeah, it's a mural.
[67] And we filled it with bath salts.
[68] That's right.
[69] So you can snort them and go insane.
[70] There you go.
[71] Thank you.
[72] Merry Christmas.
[73] Merry Christmas.
[74] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oops, sorry, Elvis.
[75] Elvis, it's okay.
[76] I'm just screaming.
[77] Well, this, today's Christmas.
[78] Merry Christmas, everybody.
[79] We're about to give you some Christmas mini -sowed hometowns.
[80] These are your stories that you send us.
[81] These are stories of murder, mayhem, and, of course, Christmas.
[82] And Marymaking.
[83] And Marymaking.
[84] Methuselah, the great character from the, the Bible one of my favorites and also murder okay do you want me to go first of course this the subject line is I lived in a haunted as fuck completely preserved house from the 60s yes hello that's a merry Christmas do me and you yeah hello Karen Georgia Stephen and company nice perfect I know that you did hidden things last week but I thought maybe this was bigger than quote in the walls my ex -wife's family lived in a tiny town called West Point, Virginia, two stoplights, ten churches, and a paper mill.
[85] Jesus.
[86] Jesus and fart smells was in parentheses after that.
[87] Oh, my God.
[88] I had one of those things, right?
[89] Yeah, you did.
[90] Psychic.
[91] Yeah, yeah.
[92] Before we met, her parents lived in the only apartment building in town, and across the street was the oldest house in town.
[93] It was a converted schoolhouse that was expanded upon in the 50s, maybe.
[94] Amazing.
[95] the old lady that lived there ended up going nuts.
[96] Yay!
[97] Yes.
[98] This is actually a pun.
[99] She was taken away because she was talking to squirrels in the attic.
[100] Oh, I do that.
[101] Am I crazy?
[102] I have yelled at the squirrel.
[103] I've told you about the squirrel that goes across the telephone wire in my backyard every morning at 7 .30.
[104] No. So we have a whole system where it's like, I say to George, I'm going to let you out, but you cannot bark.
[105] And then she looks at me like, got it and then we go out there and that she every time she's like but this time i'm not going to she's like i've learned i saw how mad you got last time yeah i won't do it and this squirrel comes out and it's like where are you going why is it at the same time every morning are you on your way to work groundhog stay for this poor squirrel it is he has this shitty job all right okay okay so uh deed do do well when she got taken away the house went up for auction As is.
[106] As is.
[107] Oh, my God.
[108] All the furniture and all her clothes and all the things.
[109] As is, baby.
[110] I wanted it.
[111] My exes family bought it and carried everything they owned across the street.
[112] That's amazing.
[113] Being a poorish family, that wasn't much.
[114] And like I said, the house was left as is.
[115] My mother -in -law was a little nuts herself and decided she liked the way the old lady decorated it.
[116] And left nearly everything.
[117] Yay!
[118] Yes.
[119] By the time I moved in, the thing.
[120] that we left included everything on the walls, knick -knacks and cabinets, the entire preserved 60s Coca -Cola kitchen, diner red counters, fold -out table and all.
[121] Oh, and the entire attic.
[122] My toes are curled.
[123] Attic has a capital A. I don't know if that was intentional, but that's how we feel about this.
[124] Attic.
[125] Attic, when I first moved in, I would just go through drawers and find grocery lists and notebooks.
[126] Oh, honey, I love you.
[127] It says in parentheses, pork chops were always for dinner.
[128] That's amazing.
[129] Old glass medicine bottles and such.
[130] My ex knew I loved history, so she would eventually let me explore the attic.
[131] Guys, she never threw away anything.
[132] I love her.
[133] There were magazines, puzzles.
[134] I took some original Disney kids puzzles and some magazines on Vietnam.
[135] And some postcards.
[136] Yeah, I bet.
[137] made a little books old tin stamp collections boy scout uniforms christmas decorations it was crazy the sad part is a lot of it was damaged from you guessed it squirrels those dirty fucking squirrels they sent her to the loony bin and then they ate everything those assholes there's like um you know like still there's like whatever baseball cards the first baseball card ever made but a squirrel's like halfway through eating it like a cracker like what oh oh What do you mean this is worth $10 million?
[138] A Ruth baseball that I'm eating like a nut that I put into my cheeks like a...
[139] Okay, ready?
[140] Living in that house was like living in a preserved 1960s house.
[141] So jealous.
[142] Pink bathroom and all.
[143] It was also very haunted.
[144] Good.
[145] My ex and I lived in the basement at the time, and it was part of the original schoolhouse.
[146] We would...
[147] Children laughing.
[148] Okay, ready?
[149] Oh, my God, oh, my God.
[150] We would hear movement of stairs, the main room of the schoolhouse, when no one else was home all the time, and we just grew to ignore it.
[151] I heard kids talking and saw white mists occasionally.
[152] Shock.
[153] Fucking chalk.
[154] Shock.
[155] That's actually could totally do what it is.
[156] You know when like you bang two racers together?
[157] Yeah.
[158] You have to clean the racers because you were talking in class.
[159] Still ghosty as fuck.
[160] yes it's ghost chalk dust yeah the scariest kind you're like you can't get any allergy pill for that no and it will give you mesothelioma okay it's also mold uh okay asbestos go ahead uh also not scary because i just pretended i was seeing stuff then one day we got the shit scared out of us yes she was in the shower and i was on the computer in the living room a desktop with an old desk that you had to slide the keyboard out of i was done with the computer and put the mouse and the keyboard back in the desk and went to talk to her in the bathroom.
[161] I came out of the bathroom and the keyboard and the mouse were on top of the desk.
[162] I shook it off, went downstairs to get dressed.
[163] Now, downstairs was technically outside because you had to walk through a sun porch to get there.
[164] And when I came back, my ex looked at me, terrified, and said, you weren't up here?
[165] I told her, no, I was getting dressed.
[166] she told me she heard me yell her name while she was getting dressed in the bathroom and it sounded like I was yelling through a fan clearly I was downstairs she turned white and we left for the day with all kinds of fuck that as we drove away what does that mean yelling yeah like yes you've never yelled into a fan of course I have Luke I yeah I always do the um the polter guys mommy oh no okay what did you you mean by what does that mean i just wanted it like hear it i guess oh yeah yeah okay mommy we live there for six more months it's always the story so you so there you go the oldest house in west point virginia's haunted as fuck haunted as fucking full of abandoned artifacts your podcast has changed my life blah blah blah sstdgm jackie thanks jackie awesome that's fun oh my god okay this is called not one double homicide, but two double homicides in one story.
[167] Shit.
[168] Hello, Karen, Stephen.
[169] Nope, hello Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and assorted furry friends.
[170] First, I want to thank you for an awesome show in Kansas City.
[171] I had quite the adventure getting to your show.
[172] My boyfriend and I traveled from Tulsa, and we were at a coffee shop just down the street from the Midland before the show, when out of nowhere I started feeling funny.
[173] According to my boyfriend, Jimmy, I said, I think I'm about to black out, then slumped forward.
[174] He pushed me back to see my face.
[175] and I fell backward on the stool I was sitting on and hit my head against the wall.
[176] Oh, Jimmy.
[177] Jimmy.
[178] Don't move a corpse.
[179] Jimmy.
[180] Uh, but, blah, blah, but he, okay, he pulled me back into his arms and from that position I vomited onto the floor in the super classy coffee shop.
[181] Poor Jimmy.
[182] The next thing I remember, I was in Jimmy's arms and I had a horrible taste in my mouth.
[183] My first coherent thought was, I can't miss the show.
[184] We went to the bathroom to clean up, and I began, to have the worst pain in my abdomen I have ever had in my life.
[185] I was just about to give up and go to the hospital when suddenly the pain went away and I started to feel normal again.
[186] Just in time for the show.
[187] What the fuck?
[188] It was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me and I want to take a moment to publicly thank my fellow murderinos that were at the shop because there was a nice group of us who called 911 for me and helped keep an eye on me while all this was happening.
[189] Jesus Christ.
[190] Sorry if I scared you.
[191] Also, sorry to the coffee shop for the mess I made.
[192] Yeah.
[193] And she says, okay, here's my hometown murder.
[194] Oh, it's not the story of Jimmy and the Barne?
[195] No, she's.
[196] Oh, my God.
[197] All right.
[198] Okay.
[199] Back on Christmas morning, 1999 in Tyler, Texas, Stephen and Carla Barron were found murdered in their bed, each with a gunshot in the head.
[200] The murder weapon was found hidden in the laundry of the couple's 17 -year -old daughter, Stephanie.
[201] It was published that she murdered them because they grounded her.
[202] While investigating this double homicide, police.
[203] find that the weapon is tied to another crime that occurred back on October 24th.
[204] On that day, a burglar set a house on fire to cover his crime.
[205] The fire spread to a neighboring home where Shelley Haynes was sleeping with her three -year -old daughter, Hannah.
[206] Both became trapped and tragically died.
[207] The handgun that was used to murder the Barons was one of the items stolen in the burglary, which was done by Stephanie's boyfriend, Denario Jones.
[208] Stephanie was, or sorry, was a lovely woman, and I know this because she worked with my mother.
[209] My mother was devastated by the deaths, and to honor them, she picked the name Ping for her grandchildren to call her.
[210] Hannah couldn't say my mom's name.
[211] Penny, she always called her Ping.
[212] The two murders, the two murderers, Stephanie and DeNario were both found guilty of their crimes and have been put away for a very long time.
[213] Good riddance.
[214] The story is on an episode of Oxygen's Homicide for the Holidays.
[215] Oh my.
[216] Of course.
[217] God.
[218] And I highly recommend it.
[219] The details of both these crimes is heartbreaking.
[220] Thanks again for a great live show and for your amazing podcast that it helps me in more ways than I can list here, especially since I'm trying to keep this short.
[221] Happy holidays to you guys and all my fellow murderinos, SSDGM, Lisa.
[222] Hi, Lisa.
[223] That's intense.
[224] Lisa, I need you to make sure that your appendix hasn't burst.
[225] Yeah.
[226] Don't come.
[227] Well, don't come to our show next time you're fucking, you pass out.
[228] and hit your head.
[229] Hey, you know what?
[230] You'd like to think that that would work, but some people are just into it.
[231] Sure.
[232] They don't give a shit.
[233] Oh, honey.
[234] That's amazing.
[235] I love the way that those shows have gotten.
[236] They are so specific now.
[237] It is hilarious.
[238] It's like, oh, I thought even our shows.
[239] Oh, Homicide for the Holidays?
[240] All of those ID Channel Lifetime, all of their shows they broke so it was like swamp murders kin murders you know like murder with a mason jar yes it's all like it's okay murder with um what creepy creepy neighbor on the east murder yeah creepy neighbor headed west murder it's just insane it's so specific second cousin murderers if you can believe it yeah so i do love this one so this subject line is no murder but there is a head injury.
[241] Okay.
[242] Hi people and animals.
[243] I just listened to your show about finding stuff and walls and it reminded me this story.
[244] In the late 80s, when I was about eight or nine, my parents bought an old built in the 1800s house in the small fishing village.
[245] My dad grew up in Nova Scotia.
[246] Ooh, I'd love to go there.
[247] So we could spend summers there.
[248] The previous owners had both died of old age.
[249] So most of their stuff was left in the house.
[250] I have a theme.
[251] I have a even my most of the stuff was left in the house when we bought it there were a lot of secret rooms and an attic shit i remember finding a red leather notebook that had belonged to a school teacher it was full of her lesson plans in the most intricate handwriting i've ever seen dated 1897 all caps why did i not keep this why did you not keep it did not keep it um there were also tons of old pictures and books attached to the house was a giant barn that was so full of stuff that you couldn't walk through it oh my god there was no way anyone had been in there in years oh i'm dying amazing this is like i have dreamed of things like this where it's like then you go through and then you're seeing things from your childhood or you're seeing like oh you want your own i want anyone's oh you just want some stuff well yeah that's fun too because then it's a surprise but it's with your own shit you're like oh my god i was a genius i know i would i would i would consider seriously consider murdering another person if i could just stand in my old room and look at the toys that we used to have my thing is always like okay would you how many years of your life would you give up like let's say you're going to live to be 89 like okay how many years of your life would you get would you get up three years to see diet how many is that happily so you died 86 did I say 89 86 to go do that yes okay I mean like happily because there's things in there that like I have one picture of me and my sister when we're like you know probably five and six and it's the day at christmas day we have christmas chamas on and we are playing with the toys we got all at once on the floor of our room and it's the earliest version of our room so it's like yeah everything about it is the earliest version so it's the one that's the hardest to remember and i can see every like yeah remember that then why do you need to go back if you can see it well i want to see i want to be there in real life but what but what's the difference um because i can't see everything yeah and like i want to want to I don't know I want to like look out the window and shit the boring shit I don't know it's there's like remember that farm it's a farmhouse that you open and then like those little plastic animals like a fisher price but it's like legos but they were bigger yeah it is I think it is fisher price yeah those people yeah that you stick in things yes like that's one of like 50 things on the shelf like I want to go through those books and be like oh my god these are the books we used to read why I again only talking about myself for nine hours okay let's go back to the giant barn filled with strangers nova scotian antiques there we are here we are the first day we pulled up to the houses spent our first summer there there was this man who was about 40 walked by oh there this man who was about 40 walked by pointed to the barn and said there's a Christmas tree in there and he kept walking my father told me that he had had an ATV accident in his teens and he suffered brain damage and now he just spent his days walking around the town nonstop day after day he would walk by point to the barn and say there's a Christmas tree in there my parents had decided to leave the barn until the next summer because it was going to be costly a costly thing they had just spent all their money on the house so the first day of the next summer the man walks by and starts the Christmas tree nonsense again this goes on and on until finally the day comes for the barn to come down without okay they had to disassemble it piece by piece from the outside so people started to gather to see what was in there it was mostly junk we kept a few pieces of antique furniture and some other things but most of it was thrown away and as the junk pile started to dwindle a two -foot ceramic Christmas tree was sitting right in the middle oh my dad picked it up and handed it to the guy who was in the crowd that had gathered he took it turn around and walked away oh emily never existed that is the best oh my god it's a Christmas miracle it is like a barn Easter egg like so basically what he remembered that from before he had a brain injury he saw it maybe he put it there he walked into that barn he just remembered it was there and it was the most it was like implanted in his brain yeah and he wanted it but he wasn't asking for it but it was like did he wanted years ago well he took it sure what if he was like great what do we do with this now this stupid thing this fire hazard he just throws it over his shoulder stupid oh my god i like to think he hated it i it makes me feel good to think he hated that present and the point of your story let me ruin your story i love that let me make you feel bad it's a christmas miracle it's a miracle it's a miracle Hey, I'm Jewish.
[252] Fuck you.
[253] I can do whatever the fuck I want.
[254] Is that what it is?
[255] Are you offended by the Christmas miracle?
[256] No. Because you guys had a great oil -based miracle.
[257] We did have a great oil -based miracle.
[258] I mean, it's one of the top miracles.
[259] People still talk about it.
[260] That shit lasted.
[261] How many days?
[262] Eight.
[263] All right.
[264] I'm a Catholic who loves Jews.
[265] Yay.
[266] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[267] Absolutely.
[268] Absolutely.
[269] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[270] Exactly.
[271] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[272] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[273] That's right.
[274] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[275] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[276] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in -person.
[277] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[278] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[279] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[280] Connect with customers in line and online.
[281] Do retail right with Shopify.
[282] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[283] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[284] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level.
[285] today.
[286] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[287] Goodbye.
[288] Hey, this is exciting.
[289] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[290] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[291] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[292] Who killed Saz?
[293] And were they really after Charles?
[294] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[295] This season, murder hits close to home.
[296] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[297] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[298] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[299] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[300] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[301] Only Martyrs in the Building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[302] Goodbye.
[303] Goodbye.
[304] Christmas caroling, a youth group and death.
[305] Yes.
[306] And this is what you're going to up here.
[307] This starts, Dear Frank, George, and everyone else.
[308] Oh, shit.
[309] Uh -huh.
[310] That's called ass -kissing.
[311] This is called trolling.
[312] This person's name is Cody.
[313] Hi, Cody.
[314] I fucking see you.
[315] Hi.
[316] Okay.
[317] Although the story is not a murder, involves Christmas caroling, a youth group, and death.
[318] So I'm hoping this counts.
[319] It does.
[320] I made the mistake of telling the story to a group of my third graders who were planning on caroling at a nursing home for Girl Scouts.
[321] After watching their reaction, I, number one, realized it was probably not an appropriate story for third graders.
[322] Number two, thought it might be more appropriate for a MFM minisode.
[323] Here goes.
[324] I was in eighth grade, and I was involved in a church youth group in a small neighboring village of 200 -ish people.
[325] This town was mostly full of elderly people who had lived there their entire life.
[326] So each Christmas, our youth group would walk through the town and sing carols to the shut -ins, as we called them in this rural Ohio town in the 90s.
[327] Shut -ins.
[328] That's so fucked up.
[329] It's very dramatic.
[330] This is like having no idea of what old people do with it.
[331] Yeah, they just don't feel like going out anymore.
[332] They're sick of the bullshit.
[333] You'll get it one day, too.
[334] I'm there.
[335] I'm already there.
[336] They're like all 40.
[337] I'm about a shut -in.
[338] I'm borderline starting to nail like big boards across my window as I'm such a shut -in.
[339] Anywho, we stopped at several houses, brightening everyone's Christmas by singing off -key while elderly people listened, shivering from their front porch.
[340] It was magical.
[341] We arrived at one particular house with a large picture window overlooking a wraparound porch.
[342] We all climbed up on the porch, rang the doorbell, and waited for the lady to open the door.
[343] After a second attempt at the doorbell, I looked into her window.
[344] I immediately saw she would not be answering the door anytime soon.
[345] She was sprawled on the floor motionless.
[346] No. I can remember it like it was yesterday.
[347] I'm 37 and I can still see a baby phone sitting on the table by the door the hands that was on the floor next to her as if she had tried to call for help oh it felt like we stood there staring through her window for quite a while before our youth group leader called nine one one we stood across the street and even until the ambulance came and we all caps watch them wheel her out in a body bag oh no this is horrible but it's like this is how murderinos are made this is how a how murderiners are made and then b that this person told the story to a group of third graders of today is so hilarious.
[348] I didn't even think about it.
[349] It's so good.
[350] She's amazing.
[351] They're all wait.
[352] What?
[353] People die?
[354] What's a body bag?
[355] Mrs. Cody?
[356] We decided we should walk back to the church, have some hot cocoa, and regroup as you do after stumbling on a dead body.
[357] After some deliberation and I'm sure prayer eye roll, we decided these shut -ins were counting on us.
[358] And we couldn't let one dead body ruin our Christmas spirit.
[359] Good.
[360] Recharged, we walked to the next house and began to sing.
[361] No. The older gentleman came out and whispered into my group leader's ear.
[362] She immediately told us to stop singing.
[363] The house we were at was the sister of the dead woman we had found.
[364] And she had just received the call that her sister had passed.
[365] Just seconds before our caroling had started.
[366] This is not real.
[367] This is such a...
[368] Cody, why are you a liar?
[369] Cody, this is the best movie you've ever made.
[370] This is a Sean Thomas Scott.
[371] What's that guy's name?
[372] Sean Connery.
[373] Yes, that's it.
[374] Biopic.
[375] Yep.
[376] There it is.
[377] I'm sure this was, quote, God's way of telling us we should call it a night.
[378] Yeah.
[379] What a freaking holiday to remember.
[380] I hope you enjoyed this shit show of a story.
[381] Your podcast gives me life.
[382] I listen to you through headphones to tune out all my three small children in the car or during my planning time at work.
[383] So no one is concerned that there is a teacher on staff obsessed with murder and the F word.
[384] Can't wait to see you in February in Columbus.
[385] My husband has no idea what he's in for.
[386] Cody.
[387] Our new best friend.
[388] Cody.
[389] All the time with you, Cody.
[390] Cody.
[391] Oh, shit.
[392] Wait, is Cody the one that started Frank, George, and everyone else?
[393] Uh -huh.
[394] Oh, Cody.
[395] You're up there.
[396] Listen, Cody.
[397] You're on the avenue of stars in terms of a mini, a mini -sad home town.
[398] You really are.
[399] This is like, this is kind of like, um, preserved home theme and also old people theme.
[400] Okay.
[401] So the subject here is the time my grandma got involved with the mob.
[402] Yay.
[403] Hello, everyone.
[404] This is the story about the time my grandma got involved with the mob.
[405] I love a restatement of the title.
[406] Perfect.
[407] Got it.
[408] And then it says sort of, in parentheses.
[409] Last Christmas, when my grandma was visiting us, I asked her if she had a hometown murder, being that she grew up in Chicago and has lived 1 ,000 lives.
[410] Thank you for doing that.
[411] That's where you're going to get the good stuff.
[412] That is.
[413] If you're listening to this on Christmas right now, run downstairs to your parents who you're fucking sick of.
[414] Yes.
[415] I bet your stepdad.
[416] You don't know a lot about him, right?
[417] Like, you've never asked him questions because you don't like him that much.
[418] That's right.
[419] Rick, he's kind of boring.
[420] But is he?
[421] But is he's had two wives before, but you don't know a lot about them?
[422] Right.
[423] And where did they go?
[424] Yeah, where he talks about a brother, but you've never met his brother.
[425] I mean, all of these people, or is there proof that they exist?
[426] Yeah.
[427] That they're alive and that he did not with his hands kill them.
[428] Or is his brother in prison?
[429] And that's why he talks about him in past tense.
[430] I mean, the possibilities with this stepfather that you have are endless.
[431] Rick, with the mustache and the Wrangler jeans, God bless you this Christmas season.
[432] You're on notice.
[433] you're officially on notice um shit i lost my place got it okay here i am here we go i was totally i was in the wrong story we're with rick we're here with rick it's not a murder but it's so hilarious and so like my grandma to have this happen to her okay when my grandparents were newlyweds so maybe in the 50s or 40s i can't remember they took a cruise for their honeymoon while lounging by the pool my grandma started chatting with this woman about tanning beds and how great it would be to to be able to tan in the comfort of your own home.
[434] Sales.
[435] She's in sales.
[436] Again, in the 40s or 50s, when they didn't know how dangerous the sun was.
[437] Their conversation continued until lunchtime hit.
[438] And when they parted ways, they decided to exchange room numbers to keep up their new friendship.
[439] A few hours went by.
[440] And my grandma had come across a magazine article that shared the potential dangers of tanning beds.
[441] So like a good person, she went to her new friend's room article in hand, to share what she had learned.
[442] This sounds totally sounds like something I would do.
[443] Or I'd be like, no, of course they want to hear about this right now.
[444] I'm interested, so they're going to be a...
[445] Knock on a door.
[446] Just do it.
[447] When she knocked on the door, a giant man in a suit answered and asked what her business was.
[448] What's your business?
[449] When my grandma replied, I'm looking for, parentheses, tanning lady, she was pulled into the room.
[450] There, she found multiple men in the same suits surrounding a seat.
[451] serious -looking man sitting in a chair.
[452] Oh my God.
[453] The man asked, what do you want with my wife?
[454] My grandma, scared out of her mind, replied, I was talking with her earlier about today about tanning beds, and I found this article about how dangerous they might be, and I wanted to let her know.
[455] The man was silent for a beat and then said, I very much appreciate you coming here to tell my wife this.
[456] Thank you.
[457] And then one of the suited men, I did a good fellow's accent.
[458] Amazing.
[459] Thank you so much.
[460] You brought me there.
[461] Thank you.
[462] It was a little touch, Polly Walnuts.
[463] one of the suited men then took the article from my grandma turned her around and nudged her out of the room he then said you saw nothing in this room all right she nodded confused and scared and ran off when my grandpa found out what happened he scolded her for not bringing him with her because of how dangerous the situation could have been when he said something along the lines of don't you know you should never talk to people long story short my grandma stayed polite and did not get murder love it Thanks for reading my grandma's story.
[464] I wish I could have written it the way she told me. Me too.
[465] God damn, me too.
[466] I bet it was amazing.
[467] I wish I could have written it the way she told it to me. Maybe when she visits this Christmas, I'll be able to get another story like this out of her.
[468] Yes, and record it.
[469] Okay, so here's the plan.
[470] This is from Kristen.
[471] It says, can't wait to see you in January.
[472] Much love from Las Vegas.
[473] Kristen, Kristen.
[474] Record that, email it to Stephen, say it in the subject line.
[475] and if your grandma can tell a story like we think she can.
[476] Yeah.
[477] Then she can have this podcast.
[478] Then she inherits the podcast like Charlie Bucket did from Willy Wonka.
[479] That's right.
[480] As long as she does the tour correctly and doesn't eat snobsberry is that tastes like snobsberry.
[481] And we fly away.
[482] Now how long was this minisode, nine days?
[483] Yeah.
[484] Like Hanukkah wasn't.
[485] Oh, it's better than Hanukkah is what you're saying.
[486] Yes.
[487] I absolutely was trying to one up Hanukkah.
[488] Merry Christmas, everyone.
[489] Merry Christmas.
[490] Be good.
[491] Be good.
[492] Have a safe, happy, safe New Year's Eve.
[493] Please safe and say in this New Year's.
[494] Yes.
[495] Tell your stepfather, we say hello.
[496] Tell Rick best condolences to him and his.
[497] The best condolences.
[498] The best of all condolences of the seasons.
[499] Yeah.
[500] And stay sexy.
[501] And don't get murdered.
[502] Bye.
[503] Elvis, you want to come?
[504] Ah.
[505] Wow.
[506] Elpas, you want to see Santa?
[507] You want to get cookie, Santa?
[508] Santa.
[509] Santa, cookie.