Jerry Seinfeld

[0] Welcome.

[1] Welcome, welcome, welcome wrong.

[2] I got a few of them wrong.

[3] It's okay.

[4] Okay.

[5] Overall, it made sense.

[6] We have Jerry Seinfeld on today.

[7] Very excited.

[8] Did I say welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert?

[9] I did.

[10] I got that in there.

[11] He said welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, armchair, expert.

[12] Yeah, we have Jerry Seinfeld today.

[13] Big get.

[14] Really big, big, big time get.

[15] Yeah, true legend.

[16] He's a legend.

[17] Of course, Seinfeld, you loved it.

[18] He has the most charming show that we are addicted to called Comedians and Cars Getting Coffee that I'm sure most of you have watched.

[19] The best of the best are on it.

[20] It's so fun.

[21] If you're into Cars as well, it's just an add -a -bonus.

[22] Well, he has a new book out called The Comedians and Cars Getting Coffee Book.

[23] You dig it?

[24] I love it.

[25] Coffee book.

[26] Because I love coffee table books.

[27] Do you think, though, it should have said the Comedians and Cars getting Coffee Table Book?

[28] I would like that.

[29] To make it a little more on the nose.

[30] I would have liked that, yeah.

[31] Anyways, we have notes.

[32] The Comedians and Cars Getting Coffee Book is actually tremendous.

[33] You'll hear in the interview, I was skeptical of it, and I actually love it.

[34] I think anyone who likes comedy should get this book for Christmas.

[35] Please enjoy Jerome Seinfeld.

[36] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and as a ad -free right now.

[37] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[38] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[39] Hello, can you see us, hear us?

[40] Feel our energy?

[41] Tell me, can you hear us?

[42] Let me just ask this question, please.

[43] Can I just start?

[44] Yeah, of course you can.

[45] What is this thing in the podcast world with these ridiculous chairs and people with the microphone up in the, their face.

[46] It's like the most low energy possible way you can sit.

[47] Okay, great.

[48] So I'm shocked that you of all people wouldn't be able to understand what underpins this, which is, what is the minimum amount I have to do, but still have maximum output?

[49] A, I'm seated, Jerry, for six hours of a day.

[50] I had better be fucking comfortable.

[51] It could ruin my performance.

[52] Six hours?

[53] Yes.

[54] Often I do three or four these in a day.

[55] How many have you done today?

[56] Seven.

[57] No. No, this is the first.

[58] No, no. You're the first today.

[59] Does it stress you out that I do multiple in a day?

[60] Yes.

[61] It does.

[62] For what reason?

[63] I'm worried about your mental drain.

[64] What was it that they used to call hemorrhoids?

[65] Piles.

[66] Piles.

[67] Yeah, are you worried I'm going to get piles?

[68] What a horrible name.

[69] Certain diseases, the disease isn't nearly as bad as the wording, right?

[70] Like, shingles just sounds like there's big chunks of your back falling off, doesn't it?

[71] Yeah, but it sounds organized.

[72] True.

[73] Shingle sounds like a nice kind of lizard look or a roof, terracotta.

[74] Yeah, it sounds like there's scales in their, yes, symmetrical.

[75] Monica, how did you get into this racket?

[76] They lured me in with their baby children, beautiful baby children.

[77] Started as a babysitter of our children.

[78] I started as babysitter.

[79] And then I scraped my way all the way.

[80] Well, we discovered in that process that Monica had been a UCB kid was a really good.

[81] writer, started writing stuff for Kristen.

[82] Monica and I's hobby was to argue in the kitchen about politics.

[83] We don't do that anymore because now we got too close and now it's like Thanksgiving every day.

[84] It's hurtful when we disagree now.

[85] It used to be fun and now it ruins are a week of work.

[86] That is such a beautiful thing, Monica.

[87] Thank you.

[88] The greatest thing about show business is how wide open it is.

[89] I became a comedian.

[90] I stood online on a Monday night audition night.

[91] It's like, oh, you want to be a comedian?

[92] There's a line.

[93] Get on that life.

[94] And I did.

[95] And you can come into it from so many different trajectories.

[96] It's the most wonderful, wide -open industry.

[97] Of course, it's also the most toxic in terms of the environment is extremely Darwinian.

[98] Yes.

[99] Well, I was going to say it's a meritocracy, which is a nice way to say it.

[100] Or you could say, yes, it's survival of the fittest.

[101] Yes, more purely than most other industries.

[102] but the people that are attracted to that are the right people for it.

[103] I always like those stories of people came from some crazy direction.

[104] It's just weird because obviously I came out here to be an actor and podcasts when I came weren't a thing.

[105] There were zero podcasts.

[106] And so I do always try to tell people, you have no idea what it is you could be successful at it might not even exist yet.

[107] Just do the work.

[108] Right.

[109] I need to clear one thing up before we proceed.

[110] And that is we've only met one time in real life in flesh.

[111] And it was, I had been invited to one of your Good Foundation events.

[112] Good Plus.

[113] Good Plus, sorry, Good Plus Foundation.

[114] One of the pillars is fatherhood, you know, engaging dads.

[115] The fatherhood initiative, yeah.

[116] Yeah, so I went and was a part of kind of a small event you guys hosted.

[117] And then we met for the first time.

[118] And I did not like how that went, if I can just tell you.

[119] It doesn't sit great with me. And I was really thinking today, what was it that made it rough for me?

[120] And I think it was because I know you have to say hi to me. That's on your to -do list.

[121] Obligation.

[122] Yes.

[123] I was aware of the fact that to some degree I'm an obligation.

[124] Like I've shown up at this event, you're going to have to say hi to me. Number one, that's not how I really want to meet anyone, right?

[125] It's like, oh, here's the homework.

[126] Number two, I also think it's dicey.

[127] And I want to know if you agree with this.

[128] When two people start talking who, in their normal lives are the ones usually tasked with guiding the conversation.

[129] Like, if you meet someone who loves Seinfeld on the street, it's on your shoulders to give them a little experience.

[130] You're not going to let them steer.

[131] You're going to wrap it up nicely for them.

[132] It's your role.

[133] Yes.

[134] So I, too, to a much lesser degree, but I'm the one task with that.

[135] So when you and I start talking, I'm kind of like, well, who's supposed to wrap this up nicely?

[136] Who's driving this conversation?

[137] I don't know how to navigate that.

[138] And then I ended up just complimenting you a lot.

[139] And I could sense immediately he doesn't enjoy it.

[140] He does not enjoy just being complimented, but I was panicked.

[141] Sure, I do.

[142] You do?

[143] One of the things you do learn, maybe you've experienced this, is as you progress in this industry, when you get older, and this is one of the things, I'm a very anti - Youth is wasted on the young.

[144] I think everything's wasted on everybody.

[145] But when you get old, you read people fast.

[146] I love that about being older.

[147] It's like, someone comes up to me in 0 .3.

[148] seconds, I know exactly who this is.

[149] Wow.

[150] So it doesn't bother me. I know right away what I've got and what I'm dealing with.

[151] And I always want it to be a nice experience for that person, that little meeting.

[152] And of course, compliments are nice.

[153] But as far as who's going to drive the conversation, I think in a good conversation, it should be shared.

[154] I do too.

[155] But again, there's some architecture to how it normally goes.

[156] and just once you meet someone that you realize, maybe Rank would suggest I should just let them steer this whole thing.

[157] I just don't adapt so quickly, so gracefully at all times.

[158] No, neither do I. But I've really learned to put on a good act that I am adapting.

[159] Do you think it's because you want his approval so bad?

[160] Oh, absolutely.

[161] I think it might have gone without saying, but maybe I should say it's like, yes, it'd be preferred to me that it was a great hang for five minutes.

[162] If I go talk to the valet guy out front because I'm a status whore, it doesn't go well.

[163] I probably won't think about it for much longer.

[164] But of course, this was over two years ago.

[165] And I occasionally think, yeah, I don't know what I was really doing in that conversation.

[166] I'm not sure what I was.

[167] I have to tell you, I don't remember the conversation.

[168] Of course, of course, bad.

[169] That's the worst thing you could say.

[170] No, no, that's preferred.

[171] But if it was really bad, I would have remembered it.

[172] So it couldn't have been that bad.

[173] Now, you must have this where something really bad's happening.

[174] and you're unhappy in the moment.

[175] And then something clicks in your mind and you start realizing, oh, I'm going to be telling this to someone else.

[176] I got to remember everything that's weird that's going on right now.

[177] And then you kind of start enjoying it.

[178] Does that happen to you?

[179] Yes.

[180] One of the least, my least favorite things in the world is going on vacation.

[181] I hate it every second of it.

[182] I don't like the idea of it.

[183] I don't like that someone else is going to decide what I like to do.

[184] If I want to do something that, if I pick the thing, 50 -50, I would even like that.

[185] Sure, sure, sure.

[186] Here's the thing that I try and explain to my wife for 22 years.

[187] She still doesn't get it.

[188] I don't care that I don't like it.

[189] Yeah, that's hard.

[190] It doesn't bother me. I don't like anything.

[191] I know it's going to suck before I even leave.

[192] I'm not surprised and I'm not upset.

[193] And complaining is kind of what I like to do.

[194] Artful complaining is my career.

[195] Yeah.

[196] That's all I do is complain.

[197] There's something Buddhist in it, which is like you're only really uncomfortable when you have an unmet expectation.

[198] But if you move through life with the acceptance that you're going to be miserable 50 % of the time, there's really no discomfort in it because you're getting exactly what you expected.

[199] Right, yeah.

[200] This beach is boring.

[201] Why are people here?

[202] But can we go a little deeper?

[203] Okay, yeah.

[204] Do you think because that is your career and that is your identity, that you're afraid you will like it?

[205] Oh.

[206] And you don't really want to because you like complaining?

[207] No, I'm not afraid of anything.

[208] I have no fear.

[209] I really did not get the fear gene.

[210] Virtually nothing scares me. Oh, man. How do we get that?

[211] That's just a genetic thing.

[212] So something occurred to me the other day, and I wonder if you'll agree or disagree, which is I think my favorite bit of yours is probably nobody wants to be anywhere.

[213] I don't know why that to me is the most profound observation.

[214] That's very zen, don't you think?

[215] Yes.

[216] And my wife and I talk about it all the time.

[217] And we're constantly in the middle of one of those things where it's like, oh, we've got to grab that.

[218] And I go, nobody likes to be anywhere.

[219] Yeah.

[220] Nobody likes anything.

[221] Nobody wants to be anywhere.

[222] Nobody likes anything.

[223] It's such a good bit.

[224] Oh, my God.

[225] Okay.

[226] But I had a breakthrough just this weekend.

[227] We were in Utah at a wedding.

[228] And my two kids, they wanted to climb on these rock formations that are all over Utah, right?

[229] And they wanted to go to this one.

[230] Then they wanted to go to that one.

[231] I'm like, we got to drive back to L .A., so I'm thinking about that, and I wonder how many more hours on it.

[232] And all of a sudden it hit me, kids love being everywhere.

[233] That might be what separates us from children.

[234] They actually love, do they?

[235] Why do?

[236] Like, whatever they're doing, they don't want it to stop.

[237] They're not trying to figure out when this thing concludes.

[238] They see the other rock pile.

[239] Let's go to that one.

[240] They're not thinking, well, it's the same.

[241] It's a great thing to watch when you have kids.

[242] How old are yours?

[243] Seven and nine.

[244] Seven and nine.

[245] I was going to guess that.

[246] You would definitely guess seven and nine.

[247] You did yourself from your face.

[248] Yeah, yeah.

[249] How old are yours?

[250] Mine are 22, 19, and 17.

[251] Okay.

[252] I don't know why I thought they were younger than that.

[253] They were.

[254] You were correct at that time.

[255] When you had kids, did you study them like monkeys in a lab?

[256] I find myself looking at my kids and really trying to see everything through their eyes.

[257] And I'm like, they're my little lab rats in a way.

[258] They are.

[259] The most important thing is just don't worship them.

[260] Mm -hmm.

[261] The inclination is to worship them and you really have to resist that.

[262] But the greatest thing about kids, which you've already discovered, is you get a new one every six months.

[263] It's literally like you turned in a rent -a -car and they gave you another one.

[264] Yeah.

[265] About the moment you think you've figured it out.

[266] out is to me when it seems like they present a whole new side of themselves.

[267] And I always say every year, it's like, I cannot take another year of a four -year -old.

[268] I could just make it one year.

[269] And then I need it.

[270] Give me the next one.

[271] So far, it never stops.

[272] Now, look, I love your book.

[273] Thank you.

[274] I'm going to be honest with you.

[275] I was cynical.

[276] I was like, do we need a coffee book about a show that I can just watch?

[277] Right.

[278] So I started a little cynically.

[279] And then one of the things I read right out of the gates is you said, I'm not a podcast person.

[280] So, you know, I'm a little triggered.

[281] I laughed so hard when I read that.

[282] I'm not much for a podcast.

[283] I think everything in life could do with an edit.

[284] I just want to let you know right away we edit.

[285] So that should alleviate some of your favorites.

[286] Yes.

[287] Oh, that's good.

[288] Okay.

[289] Everything needs to be edited.

[290] Every party, every dinner you go to, it's just a little too long, isn't it?

[291] Yeah.

[292] Yeah.

[293] People push it a little too far.

[294] Dax is always trying to do voices in here.

[295] Yeah.

[296] I'm not trying.

[297] I do a lot of voices.

[298] He does them, yes, and stares directly into my eyes.

[299] And he goes on for too long.

[300] I said, if you just cut it down, it would be perfect.

[301] That is my entire career.

[302] My entire career is I cut it down to a little bit less than you really wanted.

[303] When was the last time you saw a movie that you thought, gee, I wish that was a little longer.

[304] Never.

[305] Never.

[306] It's a good point.

[307] I have a similar one about when I bought a TV, and my wife said, isn't that too big for the room?

[308] And I said, just tell me a single time in your life you've been sitting in a room and someone said, this fucking TV is just too big.

[309] No one's ever said it.

[310] I don't know why it's such a fear of wives.

[311] That's so funny.

[312] Because they know that the TV is the portal that a man will go in never to return.

[313] That's true.

[314] It's your exit portal.

[315] And the bigger it is, the more easily you will.

[316] get drawn into it.

[317] You're right, you're right.

[318] It's ultimately the bat cave that I hope to just drive into and never return.

[319] Yeah, you keep scratching your nose with your middle finger.

[320] It's a little disconcerting.

[321] Am I really?

[322] Well, what's happening?

[323] A tick.

[324] You discovered a tip.

[325] What's happening, Jerry?

[326] I did have a lot of ticks.

[327] We didn't run the air today.

[328] It's a little chilly outside, and now I'm kind of realizing that was a tactical blunder, and I'm a little sweaty.

[329] But when you take this finger and...

[330] Okay.

[331] It's hard not to notice that.

[332] Is this preferred?

[333] This is worse, right?

[334] Pinky.

[335] Yeah.

[336] This is how excessively detailed I am.

[337] I would actually stop and think about what is the nice way to scratch your face?

[338] I've spent time thinking about how do I adjust my glasses?

[339] I don't like people that adjust their glasses like that.

[340] It's inelegant.

[341] If you do this, it's kind of nice to look at.

[342] It is.

[343] This is sophisticated.

[344] So a middle finger to the middle bridge of the glasses and shoving them up, he objects to that.

[345] But if you make a little C, if I do this, it's kind of gross, right?

[346] But some people, they just do that.

[347] No, no, no, no, that looked terrible.

[348] That looks like a psychopath.

[349] Yeah, it does.

[350] You're like, oh, my God, he's way too exacting.

[351] Just it's your whole scalp.

[352] Don't it's one micron of your scalp.

[353] Who's aware of that tiny of a portion of their scalp?

[354] Only a serial killer.

[355] It's obvious.

[356] This guy will go straight to jail.

[357] No trial needed.

[358] Nobody has giant itchy patches of scalp unless we're going to go back to the shingles thing.

[359] Okay.

[360] I just want to say that despite thinking I didn't need this book in my life, There's something interesting about hearing what maybe feels even throwaway when you're watching the show.

[361] When you read it in print, A, I'm just hyper -focused on it.

[362] There's no distractions.

[363] I'm not concentrating on how the guy fixed his glasses while he delivered that line.

[364] Right.

[365] The idea is isolated.

[366] And I found myself reading things I heard said, but that felt way more profound to me now.

[367] That's interesting.

[368] Like you weed out some stimuli.

[369] How about things that you read and you don't get?

[370] I remember sometimes Obama would do a speech.

[371] And I would go, Jesus, that was the most amazing speech.

[372] I can't believe the power of it.

[373] And I would get a transcript of it.

[374] And I would look at it and I would go, there's nothing here.

[375] Yes.

[376] There's nothing here.

[377] It was all him, his performance of it.

[378] Yeah.

[379] But the converse can also be true, which is what you're saying.

[380] You can hear something and see it one way.

[381] And then you read it and it hits you harder.

[382] Yeah.

[383] I guess I think obviously like we give quote literature or just the written word some importance right some the most important most whole country's based on a goddamn document yeah it's just like substantiates something in a bizarre way I think that's why everyone's so infected by the internet it's like everyone gets to be in the newspaper virtually you're typing it and now it exists I can see why it was so appealing the internet yes social media Twitter they're basically now in the newspaper.

[384] This is just occurring to me. Yeah, yeah.

[385] You're on TV.

[386] You have followers.

[387] Yes.

[388] I would say if this country is divided, it's into 330 million different pieces.

[389] That's the real division.

[390] It's not half and half.

[391] It's every single individual is an entity.

[392] Yes, everyone is a channel, is a brand.

[393] Yeah, that's a gigantic problem.

[394] Okay, I'm going to jump ahead because this occurred to me today, and I want to ask you about it.

[395] there's an interesting parallel between network TV and comedians in that in the 80s you had three options you had three networks so the content that was put out there should minimally appeal to like a third of the country if it didn't it would go away and now TV is in a niche phase right where you really only need a few hundred thousand viewers and they can be very specific in niche I feel like that's the same arc of stand -up comedy in a weird way?

[396] A thousand percent right.

[397] And do you think that's good or bad?

[398] I'll tell you what it is.

[399] Great for the profession, bad for the art form.

[400] Ooh, elaborate, please.

[401] The audience that likes you will be algorithmed, will be isolated, will be contacted, and will be instantly supporting you.

[402] That doesn't make a comedian better.

[403] It makes his business better.

[404] A comedian who can only relate to this narrow demo will do just, fine, but that's not good for the art form.

[405] Because in the old days, you're not to sound like an old guy, but I'm an old guy, you got pushed out in front of Frankie Valley in the Four Seasons or Kenny Rogers.

[406] They don't want to see you at all.

[407] Forget about you're not my type of comedian.

[408] We don't want to see anybody.

[409] And you've got to work that room.

[410] That makes you a better comedian.

[411] I thought at this point reading the little passage in the book between you and Jay Leno And Jay saying, no, you can't say the audience is bad.

[412] You just failed to broaden up your set enough to appeal to that audience.

[413] And you said, yeah, there's people that's like, I only like Largo.

[414] And I thought, oh, my God, I've performed there so many times.

[415] And yeah, there's a whole host of us that pretty much live at Largo.

[416] Yeah.

[417] It was a bullseye.

[418] Do you think that there is a comedic oath that comedians should be taking that now is gone away?

[419] Like, you know, King's Jester, there was a, let's call Truth to Power, while being entertaining, all of that.

[420] I feel like is sort of gone.

[421] Do you think there is a universal one that a comedian should adhere to?

[422] Okay.

[423] Well, let's assume you're a person in your early 20s and you come to me and you say, I really love this world.

[424] I love this profession.

[425] I want to do this my whole life.

[426] What do I do?

[427] And then I'm going to talk to you about having respect for a laugh.

[428] and what it takes to get it, keep it, and get more of them, and make that your thing that you are guaranteed that you become known for someone who can do this, who can get this thing, the left.

[429] There are many other things that people want, but believe me, I've been in this world my whole life.

[430] When you get to be 55 and no one wants to book you anymore, that's a bad landing.

[431] That is not the time of your life when you want to run out of gas.

[432] And when you're 20 and you're 30 and you're cute and you're talking to other 20 and 30 and they're cute and everyone's cute and everyone thinks it's so cute that we're here together in this club and we're drinking and we're so sexual and so I would love to be with him and her and oh yeah, it's all great.

[433] But at 55, that ain't happening.

[434] At 55, the only thing left is can you get left?

[435] And if you've spent those decades learning that immutable, brutal, unforgiving, incredibly difficult skill, you're going to have a nice fourth quarter, which I think is hopefully what we're all shooting for is have a nice fourth quarter.

[436] You don't want to bum out the last quarter of your life.

[437] Do you have rules that you won't do to get a laugh?

[438] Sure.

[439] Tons, thousands, too many to name.

[440] If it's not interesting, if I don't feel like this was done in an interesting original way, I'm not interested.

[441] I won't do it.

[442] You said in this interview I was watching for the New Yorker that being a comedian is like swimming in the ocean, which is the culture is moving endlessly.

[443] It's ebbing.

[444] It's flowing.

[445] It's high.

[446] It's low.

[447] So you really have to learn to just be constantly navigating within that pocket.

[448] Right.

[449] I use the example of the skier.

[450] Who's that brilliant female skier, American, the blonde girl?

[451] It's not our sport.

[452] I've never known a skier's name, unfortunately.

[453] Lindsay Vaugh.

[454] Rob knew.

[455] Good job, Rob.

[456] Okay, if you're Lindsay Vaughn, you can put the gates wherever the hell you want.

[457] I'm going to make the gate.

[458] That's how you have to think as a comedian.

[459] I don't care what happens in the world.

[460] I'm going to adjust to it faster than the audience.

[461] That's the game.

[462] You can't say, hey, we used to be able to say this.

[463] No, we can't say it anymore.

[464] That's not your problem.

[465] Your problem.

[466] Where's the gate today?

[467] What's my line down the slope to make this?

[468] in other words, get the laugh, make it interesting, maybe even make a comment, but the laugh's got to be there.

[469] I love that you say that because I do think a lot of comedians nowadays have turned their sets into complaining about what they can't say.

[470] Like so much of that is out there, it's kind of crazy.

[471] Instead of creating new material, they're just complaining about that.

[472] Yeah.

[473] I don't know if there's any way back from it.

[474] I would venture to say there isn't.

[475] We can't go back from the internet world, and comedians will never have to be able to walk out in front of an audience that is completely wrong for them and get them.

[476] You don't have to do that anymore.

[477] We have software that will handle that.

[478] Okay.

[479] Now, let me start with my bias.

[480] So my favorite comedian of all time, I'm not unique in it, is Richard Pryor.

[481] And there's a lot of things I hear you talk about that I get scared I'm on your outgroup, right?

[482] You don't seem to include sketch comedians so much.

[483] And I'm always like, Jerry, let's invite us in a little more, us sketch comedians and us improvers.

[484] You seem to have like a little barrier between stand -up and that.

[485] I want a little more inclusion.

[486] So that scares me about you.

[487] Anyone who's funny is wonderful and a treasure.

[488] And however, they're funny.

[489] You know, my favorite performer of all time is Peter Sellers.

[490] He's not a stand -up.

[491] He's an actor.

[492] Yeah, okay.

[493] To me, he's the funniest human that I've ever seen.

[494] But the discipline of stand -up as a profession, as a lifelong profession, it's a strict discipline, and it's a difficult discipline.

[495] I'm just not interested in how do you make a living as a sketch or an improv actor.

[496] It's pretty hard, Jerry.

[497] It's exceedingly hard.

[498] You don't get paid to do it.

[499] There's only one place that pays.

[500] There ain't live, so you better get there.

[501] I don't even think they pay that much, do they?

[502] Not ideal, but the upside is the contract's really long.

[503] Right.

[504] That's the silver lining.

[505] It's a seven -year contract.

[506] But anyways, when I listen to you talk about comedy, I hope you'll agree.

[507] You're a very methodical comedian.

[508] Like, even talking about the Pop -Tart bit is a two -year -long endeavor before we get to.

[509] They can't get stale because they were never fresh.

[510] Like, that's two years later.

[511] Yeah.

[512] With that said, do you appreciate what Pryor was?

[513] And part B of that question, am I wrong about what Pryor was?

[514] Was he a master at the illusion that it wasn't super mapped out and that it was getting beamed into his mouth?

[515] Yes, it's an illusion.

[516] Tell me more.

[517] I watched him put these things together in the 70s.

[518] Every line, every beat, every move, the physical part, the facial part, the vocal part.

[519] He assembled it meticulously.

[520] And that's how great a performer he was.

[521] It appears to have this looseness in this fluid.

[522] to it that's part of his genius yeah but it exists in music right the example i was thinking of is i don't know if you watch this great documentary series defiant ones it was about jimmy ivine and dr dr dray and in it i learned a bunch about bruce springsteen the way he recorded very much the way you told the pop to joke right i mean he is in the fucking coal mines to make every song he made yeah trillions of takes and it's genius i so respect it and yet i also watch another documentary Fade to Black about Jay -Z.

[523] And I watch him go into a room and listen to a song for about 35 minutes and then walk into the booth and deliver it.

[524] And that's also some crazy genius I'm attracted to.

[525] Right.

[526] Are you attracted to all or is there a hierarchy of process?

[527] Am I making any sense?

[528] Yeah, you are.

[529] You're using the word attractive, which I think is the right word.

[530] And I have to say that I'm really attracted.

[531] to writing.

[532] Now, people write in different ways, but what is the quality of the writing in the end?

[533] You know, Jay -Z is brilliant writer.

[534] He doesn't have to sit and obsess over it, but it is brilliant in the end.

[535] But in the end, it's still the writing.

[536] I don't have that talent.

[537] I mean, I could do stuff here and there, you know, when I'm on stage, I say whatever I want, but I work really hard on that map, and I love the map.

[538] Yeah.

[539] Now, over the years, Yvong, I was a trillion comedian's There's this interesting phenomena that happens where somebody you know is the funniest human being alive at Video Village, at lunch, in the makeup trailer.

[540] And then they just can't put it on the screen.

[541] And it's a very peculiar thing.

[542] And vice versa.

[543] And vice versa.

[544] What's vice versa?

[545] The funniest person on set is often not the funniest person in the makeup trailer.

[546] Oh, I was going to say in the movie, they might be the funniest human.

[547] Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

[548] On set movie.

[549] Oh, okay, great.

[550] I didn't know if you met, like, behind the scenes.

[551] Well, the person who's the funniest in the movie, but is not funny in the makeup trailer.

[552] That's because they don't like the other people in the makeup trailer.

[553] Sure.

[554] But they are that funny.

[555] Doing it in front of the light, they were talking about politicians.

[556] They were talking about Ron DeSantis.

[557] Somebody said last night on TV that we haven't seen them in front of the Kleg light.

[558] What is the playoffs?

[559] They make the light so bright.

[560] and it messes with your nervous system.

[561] Can you self -regulate to perform the way you want despite this magnifying glass right over your head?

[562] This is something as human beings, we seem to be interested in with other people.

[563] We want to see, can you do that in competition?

[564] You know what I mean?

[565] You're a great skater or whatever you are.

[566] We want to see people under duress.

[567] I don't really know why, but that's all of sports.

[568] And it's a large part of the biz, too, right?

[569] Oh, this person is a great stand -up.

[570] They're going to give him a sitcom or they're going to give him a movie part.

[571] I wonder if he can handle that.

[572] You know, we're going to turn it up.

[573] We're going to turn the light brighter.

[574] We want to know how much guts do they have.

[575] How much self -control of their thing do they have?

[576] We want to break people.

[577] That's why, you know, all these stupid singing shows and talent shows, we like to try and break people.

[578] Is there anything stupider than an award show?

[579] We're going to compete.

[580] These two movies are going to compete.

[581] What do you mean compete?

[582] It's not two horses, you know?

[583] It's two movies.

[584] How can you say, we're going to say this one is better?

[585] You can't.

[586] It's fake.

[587] It's horseshit.

[588] Yeah, one came out like two weeks before Christmas.

[589] You were already in a great mood.

[590] You evaluated this movie like with Christmas cheer.

[591] What do we do with that?

[592] We're going to factor for that when we evaluate these movies?

[593] Right, yeah.

[594] And these stupid people myself, I've been sat there like an idiot at these awards.

[595] shows, and we're going to put a camera on them, and we're going to watch them win and lose.

[596] It's so completely contrived.

[597] There is no real competition.

[598] It's like two tomato sauces competing.

[599] You can't.

[600] There's just different tomato sauce.

[601] What do you mean?

[602] The best picture.

[603] What a stupid phrase?

[604] Best actor.

[605] Best what?

[606] For who?

[607] When?

[608] No, it's preposterous.

[609] They're doing different parts.

[610] It's so stupid.

[611] My wife was nominated for an Emmy.

[612] We're going there.

[613] She's nominated.

[614] What a great day.

[615] We're sitting at a table, unbeknownststst.

[616] to us, there's a whole bit that's been planned, where Jim Carrey is leaving movies to do a TV show.

[617] So the whole bit on the Emmys is he can no longer sit where the movie stars sit in the floor in front of the stage.

[618] And so part of the bit, again, unbeknownst to us is like, all of a sudden, Jim's at our table while they're filming.

[619] And the punchline is like, oh, my God, he's been relegated to this table.

[620] So you go from driving there.

[621] oh my god honey you've been nominated this is so exciting and then in one second you're kind of the punchline of where jim carey got promoted to and you're like wow this whole thing is real precarious isn't it i think i remember this we were there looking like dumdums like oh my god you got stuck with these two i think it's primal i think it's base level we want to see how good someone is to see how attracted we are to them or something like it's a shootout kind of Like, why we're obsessed with competition.

[622] Like, who's the best here?

[623] The fittest.

[624] Who is the highest level of fitness?

[625] Yeah, and whatever it is.

[626] Yeah, because if they are the best, then we can love them more.

[627] Exactly.

[628] Yeah, I think that could be part of it.

[629] It's so dumb.

[630] You know, I'm a baseball fan, and I'm a Mets fan.

[631] It's like, why would you need them to win?

[632] What would that do if they won?

[633] Well, then I would love them more because they're the best.

[634] Because they're the best.

[635] They're more worthy of your love at that point, objectively.

[636] They earned it.

[637] It means you're the best.

[638] vicariously, if they're the best.

[639] Right, because I pick them to love.

[640] Stay tuned for more Armchair expert, if you dare.

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[656] You brought him up, and I know it was a really significant moment of doing the show, and there's a bunch of stuff in the book about it, but when you, I have to say, of all the car selections, and I can't imagine anyone listening hasn't seen comedians and cars getting coffee, but you pair a car with the person you're going to interview, and you do a damn good job.

[657] Oh, thank you.

[658] You wouldn't know this about me. I'm a car freak.

[659] It's my whole life.

[660] I'm from Detroit.

[661] I have heard that about you.

[662] Right.

[663] And so one of my gifts is I can tell people what the perfect car would be for them.

[664] I bet people ask you, right?

[665] They're not car people people.

[666] I'm going to buy a car.

[667] I've got this budget.

[668] And I'll go, this is the car for you, right?

[669] Right.

[670] Yeah.

[671] And also pick what car people drive.

[672] This is like a parlor trick I can do.

[673] I said, did you get the car you wanted?

[674] That's the first question.

[675] Yes, I didn't compromise.

[676] Okay, I'll tell you what you're driving.

[677] And I'm about 70%.

[678] Anyways, all that to say, you're pairing of the 63 split.

[679] window vat with Obama, was your most elegant and perfect pairing of all 83 episodes.

[680] Wow, that's so cool that you think that.

[681] A hundred percent.

[682] Like, what a fucking bullseye.

[683] Don't even know that I would have picked it myself, but it's everything.

[684] Oh, I'm so glad you think that.

[685] Well, coming from you, that means a lot.

[686] Tell me, where do you start with Obama when you're thinking of him as a car?

[687] It has to be American.

[688] Well, according to Trump, we don't know.

[689] We don't know, Jerry.

[690] Could have been a Ugandan car.

[691] Yeah.

[692] There was no Kenyan sports cars available at the time.

[693] Okay, so you had to move on from Kenya.

[694] And I don't really know my vets that well, but when I was a kid, that car captured me as the lines of it are just so spectacularly, perfectly resolved, front to back, side to side, the length, the width, you know, the height.

[695] The stance is nice, right?

[696] It's kind of wide and flared.

[697] Yeah.

[698] So that's how I got to it.

[699] I just thought, what do I think would be the coolest?

[700] How to be a sports car.

[701] This is the coolest.

[702] To me, the coolest vet.

[703] Yes, to lose everyone.

[704] You could have gone 67.

[705] That year had the biggest engine of that body style.

[706] 427.

[707] It was the fastest.

[708] Right, right.

[709] But we don't go there.

[710] We go split window.

[711] Only year of the split window.

[712] Right.

[713] Unique, one of a kind, the symmetry.

[714] I meet very few people that are interested in this world.

[715] what do you think of this?

[716] I have a theory that everyone by definition is in the perfect car for them, even if they've borrowed it.

[717] Oh gosh, you're going to have to make that case a little better for me. How so?

[718] It's like you can't have the wrong face.

[719] You can't have the wrong hair for you, the wrong shirt.

[720] If you're in it, that's where you are.

[721] It's the perfect car for you.

[722] Jerry, I couldn't disagree more.

[723] I couldn't disagree more.

[724] I can't I spent half my life in the wrong fucking car.

[725] The whole time I'd be driving these shitboxes that I could afford me, like, what am I?

[726] This isn't the car I need to be in.

[727] I had to own a Honda Civic for eight years because I was broke in L .A. That's not Dax Shepard.

[728] It was at that time.

[729] You were a shitbox in L .A. I love that car, though.

[730] A reliable shipbox.

[731] You kind of want to get a mint condition one.

[732] Dependable shitbox.

[733] I would love a mint condition Honda Civic.

[734] It was the DX Hatchback, light blue.

[735] Blue, 91.

[736] I love those, yeah.

[737] Okay, now you love it.

[738] I do.

[739] Now I've come completely around.

[740] You approve my theory.

[741] Wait, who's Jerry as a car?

[742] Oh, good one, Monica.

[743] To you.

[744] Okay, great.

[745] And then I wrote down a few.

[746] What's unfortunate is Jerry has a lot of cars.

[747] So.

[748] Who is he?

[749] It's an abstract question.

[750] There's also a cheat, which is you've already declared, and I agree with your declaration.

[751] You're a Porsche.

[752] Okay, now what model Porsche you are.

[753] So what's neat about Porsche is for people that aren't into cars is they're actually not flashy.

[754] They're very subtle.

[755] When you look at what they're competing against, Lamborghinies, Ferraris, Aston Martins, these are very flamboyant cars.

[756] And, okay, I was host of top gear the last two years.

[757] And so we would constantly put these 9 -11s like a GT3 up against a McLaren up against.

[758] You name the car.

[759] The other cars would have 200 more horsepower, faster zero to 60, faster top speed.

[760] on a racetrack.

[761] So sorry, everybody.

[762] You cannot beat a GT3.

[763] A car cannot be built to beat this boring, by comparison, GT3 on a racetrack.

[764] There's some fucking magic German symmetry and subtlety.

[765] And talk about meticulous.

[766] I said that you're a methodical comedian.

[767] Look at the 9 -11.

[768] This car is the same for 60 years.

[769] It's the same car that they just keep tweaking.

[770] He stands the test of time.

[771] There's no big revamp of that car.

[772] It's not going to front wheel drive or front engine or this or that.

[773] It's the same thing.

[774] They just keep making it incrementally more perfect every year.

[775] Fair enough.

[776] To the casual observer, it's incremental and they don't disturb the essence, but there is still a tremendous amount of work being done under the surface.

[777] That's what appeals to me. The work is done under the surface.

[778] Yes.

[779] Yeah.

[780] Tony Bennett said to me one time that your whole act is a tremendous amount of work to appear totally casual.

[781] And there's an Italian word for that.

[782] It's Bretzatura.

[783] These guys that would dress a certain way in Italy, and they would just look perfect, but they had spent hours on it.

[784] And it looked like they got dressed in two minutes.

[785] That's the look they're going for, but they spend hours on it.

[786] That defines the way I like to approach comedy.

[787] It should look like you just, kind of threw this together, but you spent years.

[788] But you don't reveal that.

[789] It's a line I've read, you know, art is the disguising of art. Uh -huh.

[790] I like that.

[791] When you look at a great painting, you don't see the brushstrokes.

[792] You just see the house or the whatever it is.

[793] That is why I'm attracted to the Porsche brand.

[794] It's the way they do it.

[795] Yes.

[796] And so in that vein, I'm going to put you as a 1989 air -cooled turbo Porsche.

[797] What color?

[798] Silver.

[799] It's a little boring.

[800] I know, I know.

[801] I regretted kind of the color.

[802] That was a, don't throw fucking curveballs at me. I don't do colors, Jerry.

[803] I've never told someone what color car they should have.

[804] But you're not that deep in the Porsche world or you would have picked something else.

[805] What color?

[806] What would be the right color?

[807] Oh, the color is absolutely black, has to be black.

[808] It's got to be black.

[809] Yeah, because you want to reduce it to its essence.

[810] Okay, I like that.

[811] You don't want to add any color.

[812] If something is perfect, I always want it black because I don't want to add anything to it.

[813] It's already perfect.

[814] Let's just see the essence of it.

[815] But do you not love that wild blue they put on the GT3?

[816] I love it.

[817] Some of them I love.

[818] Not all of them.

[819] Now, do you still have the 9 -59?

[820] Of course.

[821] For life, right?

[822] We die with that car.

[823] Yeah, for life.

[824] There's a car.

[825] Monica, just to make it a little more interesting for you, there's a car.

[826] I think they were selling it for, what were they selling it for, Dex?

[827] 250 grand.

[828] Oh, when it was brand new.

[829] Yeah, and it was costing them a million dollars a copy to make.

[830] Oh, my God.

[831] That's suicide.

[832] That's crazy.

[833] But that's the kind of obsession I love.

[834] You're literally destroying your company to make this thing what you want it to be.

[835] Oh, passion.

[836] That's what I love.

[837] What's your favorite Porsche of all time?

[838] Probably a 58 speedster.

[839] Okay.

[840] That is the most elemental, the most essence of the essence sports car.

[841] Interesting.

[842] Now we get into, it's a little generational stuff, I think, for you and I. Not really.

[843] People are more into them now than ever.

[844] People love them.

[845] They're just so cool.

[846] I know, but when you grow up in an error, let's say like talkies versus silent films.

[847] Once we get into 300 plus horsepower, anytime I'm looking back at these cars that we're making 140 horsepower, It's just hard to get aroused.

[848] Does that make sense?

[849] Oh, for sure, yeah.

[850] It loses its kineticism.

[851] It becomes digital.

[852] Well, I just think in its best condition, this thing drives like maybe an 80s Volkswagen bug.

[853] That disturbs me a little bit.

[854] Right.

[855] I feel we're losing Monica here.

[856] I don't feel comfortable.

[857] Listen, I could give a shit about cars.

[858] Yeah, obviously.

[859] We had Malcolm Gladwell here.

[860] We spent 45 minutes I had to edit out on cars, but that's fine.

[861] Oh, is he into cars?

[862] Huge.

[863] Oh, my God.

[864] Next time you run into him, so he's a closeted car geek, and he and I email five times a week about stuff we see in parking lots, things we want to buy.

[865] We're talking ourselves out of.

[866] Oh, that's so fantastic.

[867] You know, I do a podcast sometimes with my friend Spike Ferrison called Spike's Car Radio.

[868] You've probably been on his show.

[869] I haven't.

[870] Okay, you have to be on it.

[871] It's all about the psychotic episodes of car obsession.

[872] And it's a fascinating subculture to me. What is Gladwell into?

[873] Oh, you would be able to guess.

[874] Two -stroke sobs.

[875] Exactly.

[876] Like, he and I were geeking out on that sexy Volvo.

[877] That seems like an insult or something.

[878] No, he's just very peculiar.

[879] He likes things that are, you know.

[880] He wants the new electric Mercedes.

[881] No, we both hate electric.

[882] We have the same justification.

[883] I'd love to know yours.

[884] Mine is, the talkies are coming.

[885] I'm a silent picture actor, and I'm just going to enjoy the shit out of it.

[886] because they're coming.

[887] It's over.

[888] It's over for us, Jerry.

[889] Yeah, you know why?

[890] Because nobody wants to talk about the environmental impact of building these stupid things and the environmental impact of disposing them.

[891] Nobody wants to talk about that.

[892] They want to sit at a light.

[893] I'm saving the planet.

[894] Maybe.

[895] Maybe.

[896] Time will tell.

[897] We have only 10 minutes, but I do really, really want to say something because since I hate cars, the only car that I got infatuated with was because of your show, because Dex and I both loved your show so much.

[898] And it was the gullwing.

[899] Yeah, the Mercedes.

[900] The Lorne Michael's Galwing, yeah.

[901] Oh, I loved that one.

[902] Everything's great about that car, Monica, except you can't roll the windows down.

[903] Oh.

[904] But I run cold.

[905] She doesn't need a lot of airflow.

[906] Right.

[907] It's just not one of, it's not high in our list.

[908] Okay.

[909] Okay.

[910] I know it's been too esoteric on the cars, but I do just have to ask, have you thought about what the attraction is?

[911] because I've given a lot of time into like, what is this obsession of mine?

[912] Why is my whole life revolved around it since 12 years old?

[913] I think I have an answer.

[914] I'm curious if you do.

[915] Okay, first of all, there's no better use of your time than this obsession.

[916] Let me just make that statement.

[917] Okay, good, good, good.

[918] To me, there's two components of the automobile.

[919] One is you're looking for, what am I going to get in to explore this world where I have found myself?

[920] I want to see it.

[921] I want to move through it.

[922] I want people to have some sense of who I am, and I want to enjoy that process.

[923] So is the outside, and then there's, how does it work?

[924] How does it fit my body?

[925] This and then we're getting into some Porsche stuff.

[926] You look like these 50s, Ferraris, the steering wheel is just stuck on.

[927] We'll figure out how to get a human into it when we're done.

[928] That's how they build Italian cars, which I love Italian cars.

[929] Porsches are like, they're built out from you.

[930] even from day one, the really, really old ones.

[931] So that's one aspect, that's the emotional thing, is I need a module to explore this planet where I've just suddenly found myself.

[932] The other thing is, is a car, fashion -wise, technology -wise, captures a moment in time that you can revisit.

[933] You can't get in an old Philco TV.

[934] You can go in an old house, but you can't start it up and feel the sound and the smell and the vibration.

[935] So it's time travel.

[936] And I think the lack of kineticism in modern life is a psychological quicksand for us emotionally that we lack kinetic exchange with the world.

[937] And this is why we like the older cars.

[938] They're kinetic.

[939] You feel it.

[940] You're working it.

[941] You're participating in keeping it running.

[942] Right.

[943] So, you know, I just got a 69 -911S and I'm so in love with this car because I remember where I was in 69.

[944] I remember who I was in 69.

[945] and I can go back there now.

[946] I can get in this car and just go there.

[947] That's pretty special for some thousands of dollars to be able to do that.

[948] And I'll tell you another thing, entertainment is failing us.

[949] Cars are not as entertainment.

[950] This is true.

[951] Two things for me. One is like, control.

[952] I turn this wheel this way.

[953] It does the same thing every time.

[954] This is not a subjective.

[955] This isn't a human.

[956] I don't know why.

[957] This time I said the same thing and now she's very upset.

[958] That's weird.

[959] This stepdad.

[960] whatever the thing is, this is like, I hit this pedal, I hit that pedal.

[961] It does the same thing I want to do all.

[962] So control, very appealing for me. Secondly, alter ego.

[963] I wasn't a star athlete by any stretch, but I can be the most athletic thing on the road.

[964] This extension of me can give me a super power and athleticism I don't personally have.

[965] Fat guys on Harleys.

[966] Oh, what a side.

[967] They can't move that quick any other way.

[968] Sailing gracefully, up to Sturgis.

[969] Now, you love Porsches.

[970] I just wanted to tell you, my kink is sleepers.

[971] For people don't know in the car world, the sleeper's a car that looks stupid and boring and come to find out it's outrageously fast.

[972] I find that hysterical.

[973] I build sleepers.

[974] I build station wagons that are too fast, sedans that are too fast.

[975] There's some perverse...

[976] Yeah, because you're a sleeper in your brain.

[977] You think you are.

[978] I think I am.

[979] Yeah, yeah.

[980] You're going to underestimate me. It's all psychological.

[981] It's a Clark Kent vibe, right?

[982] Oh, that's a great way to frame it.

[983] Yeah.

[984] Okay, so that's it for cars.

[985] I thought there's a chance we would guess the same card.

[986] This is it.

[987] All I'm going to ask you is Lou Forignoll's on your show.

[988] What do you put them in?

[989] I've written something down.

[990] I'm just curious if we'll come to the same one.

[991] Louferignoll is on your show.

[992] Lou Ferrigno, Monica, is the Hulk.

[993] I know.

[994] Lou Ferrigno.

[995] I know.

[996] Isn't it great?

[997] It's a comedian show.

[998] I know.

[999] That's what's crazy.

[1000] Lou Ferrigno is a guy.

[1001] got a new comedy special out it's great you have to have them on the show what are you going to pick him up in he's so funny in it he's hysterical in it no he's not a mercedes kind of guy it's got to be american right this is the stupidest question you ever pronounce yeah this is really i can't do it okay no problem can i tell you what i put them in yeah the Lamborghini moot too that truck they made the Lamborghini 80s hummer oh the o two yes yes the lm o two yeah That's perfect.

[1002] That's great.

[1003] Okay.

[1004] Good.

[1005] I just hope we're going to agree on that.

[1006] And he is Italian, so that fixed.

[1007] It works.

[1008] It works on a lot of levels.

[1009] Okay.

[1010] Last thing, because you have to go, understandably.

[1011] And this is a question that pertains to you having to go.

[1012] How do you decide what you're going to participate in?

[1013] Do you have a blanket rule you stick to, or do you just take it as it comes day by day?

[1014] No, I don't want to do that.

[1015] You don't like podcasts, but you're on this one.

[1016] Thank you.

[1017] Probably not trying to.

[1018] Yeah, thank you.

[1019] Participate in.

[1020] You have to clarify that for me. Give your attention to.

[1021] time to.

[1022] So there's things you're going to do.

[1023] You're a parent.

[1024] You work.

[1025] You don't do a lot of press.

[1026] Sometimes you do press.

[1027] Sometimes you're in a commercial.

[1028] Sometimes you're not.

[1029] What is the guiding force for whether or not you're going to participate in things?

[1030] Well, this, you know, this is just part of doing a book.

[1031] Right.

[1032] But normally, I am not going to spend these mental attention units this way.

[1033] They're too precious in a 24 -hour span.

[1034] I like to work on material and then go out and try it in a club.

[1035] and then I feel like my life had some value today.

[1036] So that's my number one thing every day.

[1037] Work on material and then try the material out.

[1038] And if it works, the exuberance, the exhilaration of it, everything I do is, will this get me undepressed?

[1039] How do I get out of today's depression?

[1040] Right, right, right, right.

[1041] I can relate.

[1042] And the two ways, and they work every day, they're the only two things I know that work, work and exercise are the only way out of depression, liably.

[1043] Yes.

[1044] It's not 100%, but that's your best shot.

[1045] Yeah, exercise for me is you got to do it or you're miserable.

[1046] Well, I came across this book years ago called Spark, which compiles all the research and how exercise affects the brain.

[1047] And once you read this book, that's it.

[1048] You just realize you're not working out your body.

[1049] You're changing all of this chemistry.

[1050] It's getting fed with blood and hormones and all this stuff.

[1051] And then you use that highly functioning brain to do something with your brain.

[1052] It's just a whole thing.

[1053] It's a whole system.

[1054] Is Barry Marder your buddy that you call and talk to on the phone?

[1055] And how frequently do you talk to him on the phone?

[1056] Every single day for at least an hour.

[1057] Who's he?

[1058] He's a comedian friend of mine.

[1059] Yes.

[1060] At the beginning of the book, there's a bunch of great passages from Barry about the book.

[1061] But how do you safeguard that in your life?

[1062] That fascinates me. Clearly you've had a girlfriend over the years or your wife and you're like, I can't have breakfast.

[1063] I got to talk to Barry for an hour.

[1064] I would never say that.

[1065] If I have time, I could go a month without talk.

[1066] Not a month.

[1067] I could go a week without talking to Barry.

[1068] Okay.

[1069] I'm not asking the question right.

[1070] What I'm saying is when you isolate something that you know is part of the process and you identify it and it's unconventional, how do you put a flag in it?

[1071] How do you proclaim it like, no, no, this is a value to me. I will make time to talk to Barry one hour a day on the phone.

[1072] I just do what I like to do.

[1073] but I don't know if you've come across some of this research lately on men of a certain age, I believe your age, who have lost their friends because of their kids.

[1074] Right.

[1075] And they go off the cliff at 52 and have depression that they can't get out of because they forgot you're not just that.

[1076] We're talking about worship.

[1077] Do not worship these children because it'll ruin you.

[1078] Your main job for your kids is for you to stay mentally healthy.

[1079] And part of that is hang out with your buddies.

[1080] It's not just for fun.

[1081] You need to talk to people that you can be yourself completely.

[1082] The thing about Barry and I have is completely unfiltered.

[1083] And here's one thing we never say to each other.

[1084] Hey, different subject.

[1085] You never say that.

[1086] I just start talking about something else.

[1087] And he's got to go.

[1088] And then I got to go where he's going.

[1089] There's no social cues.

[1090] Yeah.

[1091] See, I think because you in some way know it was essential for your comedic process, you made time for it.

[1092] I don't make time for it.

[1093] Do you make time to take a leak?

[1094] No, you have to go take a leak.

[1095] You go.

[1096] You've prioritized it to that level of functioning.

[1097] You have to think to prioritize.

[1098] There's no think.

[1099] What do you like to do?

[1100] Talk to Barry.

[1101] Let's get on the horn with Barry.

[1102] It's funny.

[1103] I just did it.

[1104] I was on with my best childhood friend.

[1105] I talked to him similarly the amount of time.

[1106] It started with there was a threat of violence at the high school.

[1107] They had shut down the high school.

[1108] It starts as, oh, my God, you wouldn't believe this, but Wade was on this list, his son.

[1109] Oh, my God, we're scared, we're scared, we're scared.

[1110] I stupidly say you're going to have to get him a lady Remington to put in his boot.

[1111] Now he says, oh, my God, he'll pull out to defend themselves and they'll start going bad words.

[1112] Yeah, it unraveled into this preposterous scenario where he is shamed for having this little lady gun in his boot.

[1113] How we got there, but I got to be able to go somewhere with somebody like that.

[1114] I need a safe place.

[1115] That's going to calm you.

[1116] Yes, it's how he dealt with this crazy situation as we ended up making about 300 jokes about it by the end of it.

[1117] Well, I like that because I do think society really appreciates female friendship and talks about it and that's really important and women have other women.

[1118] And we don't really do that with men.

[1119] And it's important to.

[1120] It's just as important as it is for women, but we don't talk about it as much.

[1121] It's more important.

[1122] We talk more about women having good women friends.

[1123] No. Is that what you're saying?

[1124] We say we already do that.

[1125] That.

[1126] We already talk about the importance of female friendship.

[1127] Oh, really?

[1128] I think so.

[1129] Yeah, girls' weekends, girls' nights.

[1130] Oh, yeah.

[1131] Girls' dinner.

[1132] I never say like men's dinner.

[1133] It's just, if I'm at dinner and there's men there, that's what happened.

[1134] No, you don't want to have a dinner.

[1135] But there is a big new thing going on with men after their kids leave the house just falling apart.

[1136] They lost their friendships, so they have no identity.

[1137] Your friends help you create your identity.

[1138] Big time.

[1139] Well, I was only saying, I think because you had a justification, granted, you're saying no, this is great.

[1140] This is kind of like when you're on Stern, which, by the way, you're one of my favorite guest he ever has.

[1141] You're just not emotional and you don't want to go to a psychiatrist.

[1142] He's so into it.

[1143] And you guys have never seen I die.

[1144] So, yes, you're not going to concede that you've made time for Barry, but the data would suggest you did make time for Barry.

[1145] But I wonder if you didn't have an occupation where it somehow was justified.

[1146] It's part of the whole process.

[1147] Like, if you're a mechanic, do you think, like, I should talk to my friend on the phone for an hour?

[1148] I'm arguing you should, no matter what you do.

[1149] I don't know about should.

[1150] All this word make time.

[1151] I don't get any of that.

[1152] I don't make time to watch football on Sunday.

[1153] I don't make time to watch sports.

[1154] I watch sports.

[1155] That's what I like to do.

[1156] Last thing I'll say before we go.

[1157] And, by the way, I truly, truly, truly love the comedians and cars getting coffee book.

[1158] Thank you.

[1159] I was skeptical.

[1160] And it's absolutely fabulous.

[1161] It's somehow a completely new experience, even if you've watched all the episodes as I have.

[1162] It's really spectacular.

[1163] The pictures are cool.

[1164] The cars are awesome if you're in the cars.

[1165] Everything's fantastic.

[1166] It's much better than it should be, which is kind of consistent with everything you do.

[1167] Like a pretty shitty idea that turns out spectacular.

[1168] Thank you, Dex.

[1169] I mean, the introduction tells you I'd like Starbucks passed on working with you, Netflix passed.

[1170] You know, it wasn't a great idea.

[1171] Just spout it out.

[1172] and then your execution is your genius.

[1173] Thank you.

[1174] I wasn't convinced of it myself, to be honest.

[1175] I know you're still not.

[1176] I love it.

[1177] No, I'm still not.

[1178] It seemed a little vain.

[1179] Sure, of course.

[1180] But I was going to say, there's nothing better than the Galaphanakis interview.

[1181] I think it's the thing I reference on this show more than anything else while talking to other celebrities because we have a very different experience with interacting with people, with people filming you.

[1182] You know, it's something that you'll contend with and there's a lot of different outcomes.

[1183] There's something about you talking to Zach and just going, yeah, they take a picture and then it's over.

[1184] And then it's over.

[1185] And then you're just on with your, there's something incredibly liberating about it.

[1186] Because I think I'm more identified with Zach.

[1187] Just the lack of control is what's triggering.

[1188] I see.

[1189] I can't ever not have this experience.

[1190] That's the scary element maybe.

[1191] Oh, I see.

[1192] My favorite part of that show was, He was upset about how they lie to us in advertising the sell us products.

[1193] And I talked about how when I was a kid, and you send away for the thing, the scuba guy in the cereal box, and it's crap.

[1194] But before he got there, I was happy.

[1195] Yeah.

[1196] And that's pretty good.

[1197] I'll take that.

[1198] It's enough.

[1199] It's like buying a lottery ticket.

[1200] Yeah, right.

[1201] You're buying the three days of fantasizing about buying a $9 .59.

[1202] You're very evolved.

[1203] It's kind of rabbinical.

[1204] He's anti -evolution, and yet he's kind of evolved.

[1205] It's very weird.

[1206] How am I anti -evolution?

[1207] Well, in that, you don't want to go to a therapist.

[1208] You're not really interested in exploring your...

[1209] I would if I thought I would get somewhere with it, but I don't have to any place I want to go.

[1210] He has Barry.

[1211] He doesn't need.

[1212] It's fantastic.

[1213] You're where we hope to get after years and years of therapy.

[1214] That's an unbelievably nice compliment.

[1215] Thank you.

[1216] Okay, well, Jerry, it's been a blast.

[1217] Next time, I'll see you.

[1218] There'll be no homework for you.

[1219] you to say hi i'll come up to you so different it's going to be incredibly different you're going to see me in a way you didn't ever think possible upon that next meeting so great see how great show business is here we are working and have this wonderful experience this is beautiful yeah how man can you be about the pitcher and you get to do this for a paycheck your overarching comment which is so true if you're getting paid to stand on the stage this is already a hack there's a mix up you shouldn't be getting paid for this let's just recognize that it's all That's right.

[1220] This was a party.

[1221] Thank you guys.

[1222] I was really a pleasure to chat with you.

[1223] All right.

[1224] Comedians and Cars getting coffee.

[1225] Book.

[1226] Buy it.

[1227] Put it on your coffee table.

[1228] What a great conversation starter.

[1229] Just in time for the holidays.

[1230] Jerry, thank you.

[1231] Be well.

[1232] Hope to see you again soon.

[1233] Thank you.

[1234] All right.

[1235] Bye.

[1236] Bye.

[1237] Bye.

[1238] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1239] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soul.

[1240] mate monica padman check um this first signfeld oh gerald signfeld correct okay do you think that's his birth name gerald jane gerald dean ferrara signfeld i didn't say this to him because he wouldn't he wouldn't care but um you know if you start typing seinfeld i don't know how to spell his name but when i would type him i first started doing my research in notes because i was busy i was somewhere else reading that book whatever i started in notes it comes up as an autocorrect Like, you know you're really famous if, like, you start typing Seinfeld and like halfway through it recommends with a capital S Seinfeld.

[1241] I love that.

[1242] I feel like that would be some kind of weird metric we could evaluate someone's star power or status.

[1243] It's kind of like the crossword, the auto correct.

[1244] What day you'd be on the crossword puzzle.

[1245] Yeah.

[1246] Yeah.

[1247] Good for, he deserves it.

[1248] I can't think of anyone who does more.

[1249] I wonder if you type in Marlin.

[1250] You don't have been Brando.

[1251] Yeah, Brando.

[1252] There's too many other words that are too close.

[1253] Brand.

[1254] Let's go Brandon.

[1255] Also just the word brand, I think.

[1256] Oh, like brand name?

[1257] Yeah, like the brand is the row.

[1258] Yeah.

[1259] We went to a premiere last night.

[1260] We went to a premiere last night.

[1261] We went to Kristen's movie.

[1262] The people we hate at the wedding or the people you hate.

[1263] Ooh.

[1264] The titles of her projects are getting too long for me. There was the woman in the window across the street from the girl in the window or whatever.

[1265] That comically long on purpose.

[1266] Comically long on purpose.

[1267] But this one is the people we hate at the wedding.

[1268] There's a lot of words in that one, too.

[1269] It is.

[1270] It was great.

[1271] It was so cute.

[1272] Such a good script.

[1273] It was really a very cute rom -com.

[1274] And I love a rom -com.

[1275] Absolutely.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] And Claire Scanlan did an incredible job.

[1278] Shout out Claire.

[1279] Love Claire.

[1280] She's the greatest.

[1281] She directed some episodes of Bless This Mass. She did such a good job.

[1282] I have a very high bar with rom -coms.

[1283] Yes, you do.

[1284] It's my favorite genre.

[1285] Yeah.

[1286] And it's gone extinct for the most part.

[1287] Largely, yeah, yeah.

[1288] And people who in recent years tried, it's tricky because a lot of the tropes of rom -coms are outdated and antiquated.

[1289] Outmoded.

[1290] So you get into some trouble.

[1291] But she did.

[1292] Stalking.

[1293] Like, stalking's not cool anymore.

[1294] It used to be, that was like a. primary focus of most rom -coms before yeah and a lot of them are also like a girl saying no no no until yeah he finally yeah you know there's a lot sure and i do think a lot of the newer ones are forcing themselves to not fall into those and then it feels odd but this was really refreshing because it was updated but it still had some old school vibes i loved the boy that christin's love interest was i love he's great i loved him wasn't he charming and cute and natural and wonderful very also looked fantastic with his shirt off sure and alice and janny she is a gift she really is she's a gift to all of us and then christin was fantastic always what a slam dunk for her always yeah i've never seen her do a damn thing no but i would say there's uniquely good she was very dry in this She wasn't like her bubbly, likable self that she sometimes is.

[1295] She was very sarcastic, but really great deliveries of some complex lines, really landed some big lines.

[1296] Yeah, she hasn't, I don't think she's done bubbly in a long time.

[1297] That might be the wrong word.

[1298] Oh.

[1299] I might be using the wrong word.

[1300] To me, there were elements of Eleanor from the Good Place in this character.

[1301] Okay.

[1302] A little flawed.

[1303] Yeah, real flawed.

[1304] Some problems.

[1305] You know, so she plays drunk.

[1306] a lot and she's just not a drinker she does such a good job of it i was thinking that because she delivered one line drunk or she delivered i guess a few but one specifically was kind of slurry but it was like the perfect amount this i got to say i've had to play drunk many times in it's too hard tv and movies i hate it it's the hardest thing to do exactly which is crazy considering how many like a full decade i was drunk yet i find it hard to do because it's just very easy to be embarrassing.

[1307] Exactly.

[1308] It's easy to do it poorly.

[1309] But she found the sweet spot.

[1310] But I actually wonder now that we're dissecting it, like the actor's studio.

[1311] Uh -huh.

[1312] Welcome to the actor's studio.

[1313] James Lipton.

[1314] I watch so many of those.

[1315] The new school.

[1316] The new school.

[1317] Maybe because she's not drunk ever, but she's watching other people.

[1318] She can observe.

[1319] Like, she's a mimic.

[1320] So she can observe.

[1321] Like, I can't be objective about what I am drunk.

[1322] Because you're already drunk.

[1323] I'm in it.

[1324] It's already gone.

[1325] Yeah, you're inside of it.

[1326] Unless someone videotivated.

[1327] I really hope they don't.

[1328] Oh, gosh, yeah.

[1329] Oof.

[1330] Although, I haven't been drunk.

[1331] That gives me one of my worst memories.

[1332] Oh.

[1333] Oh, yeah.

[1334] What happened?

[1335] Well, oh, this one's terrible.

[1336] One time I had been up for a few days, and it ended up, I was on video.

[1337] We had like a great, the Canon XL1.

[1338] Me and my buddy Scotty would make shorts on it and it was there.

[1339] And somehow I ended up on a good amount of footage up from day three.

[1340] Okay.

[1341] And I saw it, you know, maybe a month into sobriety or something.

[1342] And I was like, oh, oh, because you're what you think you're coming across as versus what you are.

[1343] What a shattering moment that can be.

[1344] to see yourself on video thoroughly fucked up is for me it was very humiliating yeah there's another video of me i don't mind okay my friend kareem who odied i've told you a lot's stories about him i invited him back to michigan for one summer he was there for a few weeks we did i put together the trip of a lifetime we went to tubing we went to the sand dunes we went to barbecues all everything for the july party with fireworks and a pig roast and on the tubing trip and he had a video camera and he was from Hollywood he loved making movies and shorts so he filmed quite a bit of it now there is a lot of footage of Aaron and I hammered on the side of the river on the tubing trip that I think I like yeah I think is the cocaine mix is really where it's like hmm I look like I'm kind of a monster on that yeah yeah well maybe it was helpful to see it oh it's pretty seared in my memory I mean you don't want to look like that again so probably helpful that um that clip I guess Hasselhoff's children maybe released it they filmed him coming home in a blackout ordering cheeseburgers and he was on the stairs and it was it was very rough and i think one of the children kind of released it in hopes that that might be the breaking point for him to which i think it was that makes me so sad for those children who are in that position i mean they were adult children i mean just still that's still their parent absolutely they feel this is literally the only thing that could possibly save him like what a fucking awful position yeah that's a real terrible last resort to have last ditch effort speaking of bad things i don't know if you want to talk about it um do you want to talk about your accident oh my god yes yes yes yes yes i've had a rough week me too you too yeah i feel like mine has some insult injury because okay so i was uh driving to set to film something with Kristen for Hello Bello.

[1345] So I'm on my way there.

[1346] I'm in my charger Hellcat, which I love.

[1347] You really need to know how much I love this car.

[1348] Not only do I love this car, it's just impossibly fast.

[1349] It's a four door.

[1350] It's a sleeper.

[1351] They don't make them anymore.

[1352] I've also put very low miles on mine.

[1353] Mine has maybe five or six thousand miles on it, which I love.

[1354] I want the car forever.

[1355] It's just the fastest best sedan ever made.

[1356] I love it.

[1357] I got into a car accident with him.

[1358] Yeah.

[1359] Now, how much I should say about it, I think is I shouldn't because I might be getting sued, you know?

[1360] Oh, my God.

[1361] So I don't want to, like, go through what happened necessarily.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] I really hope you don't.

[1364] Suffice to say, I was in a car accident on the way to set, and I'm pretty sure the Hellcat is total.

[1365] And then I had to get a ride the remaining way into work.

[1366] And about 20 minutes after my airbag's going off and being in a pretty short.

[1367] sizable accident, I was in a full Grinch outfit.

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] Having to improv and act funny.

[1370] And I just kept thinking, this is a very surreal experience.

[1371] What a life.

[1372] Yeah.

[1373] I visited Kristen, like, you know, because we're just intermerced with the public.

[1374] We're like filming us, go around to Cindy Lou Who and The Grinch.

[1375] And we're giving away diapers and wipes.

[1376] And we're in the real world.

[1377] We're strolling down the street in Culver City and I am in the Grinch outfit.

[1378] And I said, this is a weird life, isn't it?

[1379] We were in Michigan at one point.

[1380] And now we're here in Los Angeles and I'm in a Grinch outfit.

[1381] We're walking down the street.

[1382] Very strange.

[1383] And I told the Hellcat an hour ago.

[1384] Such a bummer.

[1385] Oh, so sad about it.

[1386] So sad.

[1387] But you know, you just can't go back in time.

[1388] That's the only thing I'm good at.

[1389] You know, I've had a lot of things stolen from me, know this about me. I don't really ever mourn it.

[1390] I'm like, okay, that's over.

[1391] No more to think about.

[1392] It's gone.

[1393] And this pretty quickly, I was like, that fucking sucks I love that car and that's over I can't really yeah I can't go back in time that's a great quality different route and I also told you this as my airbag was deploying like it was instantaneous right I'm looking at my side passenger side airbags dropping down and my thought was oh my god this is embarrassing yeah yeah like you said was it scary were you scared and I'm like no I didn't have time to feel scared I immediately was just like this is so embarrassing I'm not supposed to do this yeah I'm supposed to never ever be in an accident yeah my identity was on the line of course yeah it's scary that I know you you're not saying it's scary but that is scary that part is scary oh to have fractured my yeah yes I'll say that part that's the like yes I wasn't re like I was out on the sidewalk now dealing with all the stuff yeah I know when I fight people or I have those heightened adrenaline things my legs get shaky like it's a very familiar feeling I know what it's like I'd zero adrenaline yeah yet that whole night I had to watch a movie that night for our job and every seven minutes I just would randomly see the airbag go off in my head right really I'd just have a visual of like oh yeah that airbag deploying oh wow and i'm like yeah these things whether you it's like your body knows one thing and your brain might know a different thing body keeps a score body keeps a score he's on to something yeah because i wasn't like oh my god that was scary almost i never had one of those feelings or oh my god i almost got hurt i didn't have never it really didn't have them yeah and yet the brain kept going like hey remember this hey remember this well you're it was like nudging me all right brain probably is trying to figure out if you're okay really right Because sometimes these things...

[1394] They don't end well.

[1395] Yeah.

[1396] I was very scared when you...

[1397] No one was hurt, thank goodness.

[1398] Although I will say so that was Tuesday, then Wednesday I was sitting in the tattoo chair for many hours.

[1399] And I was like, oh yeah, my lower back is, you know, it's a little something.

[1400] And then my neck, oh, yeah, it's a little something.

[1401] Again, nothing big at all.

[1402] I know, but still.

[1403] But you just don't even, I didn't even notice that for another day and a half.

[1404] until I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I am sore here.

[1405] Of course.

[1406] I don't think the car could be totaled and you feel zero.

[1407] I thought that was going to be the case.

[1408] I even was thinking like, man, car safety's gotten incredible.

[1409] Like that same accident happens.

[1410] Not got wood.

[1411] Oh, okay.

[1412] That same accident happens in like 1969.

[1413] There's broken glass everywhere.

[1414] There's like, you know, the cars were designed to absorb any of the energy.

[1415] Yeah.

[1416] You're really fucked.

[1417] up from the exact same car accident.

[1418] Yeah.

[1419] So then the next day, Wednesday, that was Tuesday.

[1420] No, yes, that was Tuesday.

[1421] On Wednesday, I got in a car.

[1422] You got rear -ended.

[1423] Not a car accident, but I got rear -ended.

[1424] Yeah.

[1425] And I had a weird car thing happen, which did make me feel really unsafe.

[1426] But then we pulled over and I got out and I looked at the car and I was just staring at it.

[1427] And there was nothing.

[1428] thing.

[1429] There was not one scratch on it.

[1430] Those Mercedes are good cars.

[1431] And I was like, what the fuck?

[1432] Wow, these cars are really sturdy.

[1433] I was very impressed by the car.

[1434] In the harsh light of day, have you looked at it closely?

[1435] I drove it, but I didn't.

[1436] You didn't look in bright light.

[1437] No, I think it was dark out when you got rear -ended.

[1438] It was, the sun was setting.

[1439] Oh, okay.

[1440] Romantic.

[1441] That's not too bad.

[1442] That sounds like, lovely.

[1443] but yeah I hated it sorry that happened okay Gerald yeah one thing I wanted to note about it was that sometimes he laughed but he laughed silently oh like I noticed he was laughing when we were doing it yeah yeah I was like I wonder if that laughs making noise because some people you know it doesn't and then when I was listening I was like yeah you can't hear so it sounds like we're holding for nothing but we were holding for nothing for a real laughter or silent.

[1444] Not necessarily a holding, but just sometimes people are laughing and you just don't hear it, guys.

[1445] It's just saying.

[1446] We cracked them up, is what you're saying?

[1447] Yeah.

[1448] We brought up Largo.

[1449] Yes, I love Largo.

[1450] Yeah, and I just wanted to say that's a ding, ding, ding, because that was our first show ever.

[1451] You're right.

[1452] Our first live show was at Largo.

[1453] For a few hundred folks.

[1454] That's right.

[1455] Yeah.

[1456] Yeah, it's a comedy theater.

[1457] With Jason Ritter.

[1458] With Jason Ritter.

[1459] And it's a comedy theater.

[1460] theater in Los Angeles, sometimes a music venue as well.

[1461] Yeah, I want to say it's Largo at the Coronet Theater.

[1462] It is.

[1463] Largo at the coronet.

[1464] And it used to be, it's traveled over the years.

[1465] Largo used to be elsewhere.

[1466] Oh, interesting.

[1467] It's like four seasons.

[1468] Oh, wow.

[1469] Ding, ding, ding for another episode.

[1470] Okay.

[1471] How much does Saturday Night Live pay?

[1472] cast members are making 25 ,000 per episode now, and about 525 ,000 annually.

[1473] When I was, when people were leaving the groundlings in my era to do it, it was 7 ,500 a week.

[1474] Wow.

[1475] And New York is not cheap.

[1476] Exactly.

[1477] Yeah.

[1478] It goes up and they renegotiating stuff.

[1479] I know some of the bigger performers ended up making a few hundred thousand an episode maybe, when they want someone to stick around, maybe like a Will Ferrell or something.

[1480] I don't know.

[1481] Yeah.

[1482] But you used to start at $7 ,500 a week.

[1483] Wow.

[1484] And this sounds nuts, like that we're saying that's actually not that much money.

[1485] But in television.

[1486] So another thing says first year cast members make $7 ,000 per episode, which is what you just said.

[1487] Oh, there you go.

[1488] But that, two different sites are saying two different things.

[1489] Okay.

[1490] There's 22 episodes in a season.

[1491] Okay.

[1492] 75 ,000, then 150, and then another 15 grand.

[1493] So 165, if you're making $7 ,500 a week.

[1494] To live in New York, no one's from there.

[1495] You're like.

[1496] Yeah, you're trying to get an apartment.

[1497] Yeah, you're going to blow a good deal that just little existing in New York while you're...

[1498] It's true.

[1499] In the grand scheme of TV, it's not a lot.

[1500] No. Okay.

[1501] 84 episodes of comedians and cars.

[1502] We said 83.

[1503] Oh, okay.

[1504] As I've said on here before, I didn't ever think I'd get invited on because of my career, but I thought my automotive knowledge might tip me into being a guest on it.

[1505] But it just never did.

[1506] Just let you know, I'm not in that 84, that batch 84.

[1507] Yeah, I know.

[1508] You already knew that?

[1509] I didn't know.

[1510] But if maybe he picks it back up, maybe you will be.

[1511] Can't ever tell.

[1512] Okay.

[1513] Oh, one thing I realized when I was editing is that I eat my shirt a lot.

[1514] Tell me. If I'm editing like this.

[1515] Uh -huh.

[1516] She's staring at her computer and her chin is a little tucked into her chest.

[1517] And then, okay, then she slowly lifted her collar up into her mouth.

[1518] She separated the under T -shirt from the main sweatshirt.

[1519] And now she's just chewing the T -shirt collar.

[1520] I do that.

[1521] And is it soaking wet at the end of an edit?

[1522] So I used to do this when I was younger, a ton.

[1523] And my mom would hate it.

[1524] She hated it.

[1525] Yeah, like my shirt was all wet.

[1526] It was so weird.

[1527] And I thought I stopped doing that.

[1528] But then all of a sudden, like a couple weeks ago, I realized, oh, I'm doing this.

[1529] I'm doing this thing again.

[1530] And then I didn't know, have I never stopped?

[1531] Right?

[1532] Or you have a new anxiety you haven't had since your childhood.

[1533] Who knows?

[1534] Who knows?

[1535] I think it's a very adorable habit.

[1536] So it's something a child would do.

[1537] Well, a child did it to me. And now I'm reverting, I guess.

[1538] I'd love it if you like open the door mid at it, you had ordered some food and then you open the door and you just have this huge ring of saliva around your collar.

[1539] It must happen.

[1540] It happens mostly.

[1541] Like I don't think I would do it with it.

[1542] This is a nice sweatshirt.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] Although I did, I was wearing a sweatshirt last time I noticed it.

[1545] But it's more like a t -shirt.

[1546] It's like comelier clothes or something.

[1547] I don't know.

[1548] Okay.

[1549] You, if you were older, if you grew up in my era, I bet you would have been a cigarette smoker.

[1550] Oh, yeah, because it's oral fixation, for sure, for sure.

[1551] It's the greatest of all oral fixations, the cigarette.

[1552] Yeah, the other day, I put new sheets on my bed, beautiful sheets.

[1553] And then a couple days later, something was poking me. And I realized there was a toothpick under the fitted sheet.

[1554] Okay.

[1555] I really got down there.

[1556] Yeah.

[1557] I got it out and I put it on the nightstand.

[1558] It was all dusty.

[1559] It looked gross.

[1560] Then later that night, I made dinner and I had wine.

[1561] And I, like, put the wine on the nightstand.

[1562] And I looked and I was like, oh, my God.

[1563] There was like a coffee cup from the morning, the toothpick.

[1564] and this glass of wine, and I was just like, these are all my vices in one spot.

[1565] Yeah.

[1566] And I was probably chewing my shirt.

[1567] If you were a still life artist, that would be a great little painting you could have done.

[1568] You're right.

[1569] Called My Vices by Monica Padman.

[1570] Well, I did make a painting of that hamburger.

[1571] Yes, yes.

[1572] In Sedona, so I could try it.

[1573] Yeah, my vices.

[1574] I'm really bad at art. Anyway, tango.

[1575] Okay, one thing, this is a ding, ding, ding.

[1576] I don't really want to correct it.

[1577] but I have to.

[1578] The story about Kristen being nominated for an Emmy, she nominated for a Golden Globe.

[1579] Oh, okay.

[1580] And we talk a lot about Emmy.

[1581] We say it a lot.

[1582] And so I just wanted.

[1583] She had been nominated for a golden.

[1584] That makes more sense.

[1585] Because also the Golden Globes has film and TV at the same event.

[1586] So, yeah, the thing I said doesn't even make sense.

[1587] Right.

[1588] It goes to show how insignificant.

[1589] No one should care.

[1590] But it was important for me to correct that fact.

[1591] Yes, good job.

[1592] Not to say she shouldn't have been nominated for an Emmy.

[1593] She should have.

[1594] But yeah, the whole story doesn't even make sense.

[1595] Right.

[1596] There's no division at the Emmys between movies and TV.

[1597] Yeah.

[1598] But at the Golden Gloves, you're going to get that.

[1599] You get the hierarchy.

[1600] That's the only one you get the mix.

[1601] If I could be on anything from 2022, if I could pick one thing that came out to be on, definitely not be any of the movies.

[1602] It'd be severance or white lotus.

[1603] White Loady.

[1604] It would actually definitely be.

[1605] White Lotus.

[1606] Okay.

[1607] But also, Severance.

[1608] I would not, I don't.

[1609] It would be one of these shitty movies.

[1610] No, definitely not.

[1611] How about Top Gunner Severance?

[1612] Severance.

[1613] Well, yeah, there's not a real big role for you in Top Gun probably.

[1614] Unless you're Tom Cruise's love interest, but that's a big age cap.

[1615] That might make the viewer uncomfortable.

[1616] Jennifer Conley.

[1617] 60 and 34.

[1618] Yeah, that's, yeah, I was, yeah, 34 at the time.

[1619] I'm not 20.

[1620] I think once.

[1621] You pass.

[1622] I don't think so.

[1623] Really?

[1624] No, I think when you have 60 -year -old men and their love interests are in their 30s in movies, it's not ideal.

[1625] Okay.

[1626] I think 20s is rough because that, I just spit everywhere.

[1627] Bad week.

[1628] That person is not yet a woman.

[1629] Well, not yet a woman.

[1630] She's a girl, not yet a woman.

[1631] Britney Spears.

[1632] I know my favorite scene in any movie.

[1633] movie crossroads yeah do you remember that scene it's phenomenal wait you remember and i love brittney spires yeah this may this may risk sounding disparaging but it's not there's a scene in the movie where her character writes a song not yet a woman in front of us on the piano right and there were not nearly enough steps so it kind of went like this this is about real time okay he goes ding ding ding dong dong done on the piano done i'm not thing i'm not a girl not yet a woman it took her like two really short attempts and then all of a sudden she played the whole song on the piano and sang the whole song it was a little it was like quicker than j z comes up with his though i was like wow she got she cracked that one quick she's working i may get it you're in you have limited real estate you don't want to lose no you want to see you perform in that song somewhere on stage but But man, it had happened quick.

[1634] I wonder if I'm misremembering it.

[1635] It's very likely I'm misremembering it.

[1636] Oh, yeah, I want to, I want to be update.

[1637] We'll do an update next fact check.

[1638] Yeah, get our hands on that scene.

[1639] I'm very surprised you remember that movie.

[1640] Well, like, you saw it.

[1641] That's the only thing I remember of the movie.

[1642] You remember it because of that.

[1643] That's what I remember from the movie.

[1644] I don't even know the storyline.

[1645] I just know that scene.

[1646] I remember a lot.

[1647] Yeah, because it's a road trip movie.

[1648] I think I talked.

[1649] about it a lot with friends is why I remembered it.

[1650] Oral history.

[1651] That's how things get cemented.

[1652] You're right.

[1653] That's how the Bible happened.

[1654] That's right.

[1655] Okay, well, that is all.

[1656] That was all the facts.

[1657] For Geraldine.

[1658] Signpelt.

[1659] Nice.

[1660] Very cool.

[1661] Very cool that we got to talk to him.

[1662] You know, this was going to be like, there was no way to ask him this.

[1663] What were you going to have?

[1664] Or wanted to ask.

[1665] Well, what I wanted to just point out is like, there's a phenomena that surrounds certain people where it's like they just can't help but make a ton of money.

[1666] I'm kind of fascinated by it.

[1667] There's people like try to make a lot of money.

[1668] And then there's people just like seemingly accidental, everything they touch.

[1669] So what's really weird about his car collection is 150 Porsches.

[1670] Uh -huh.

[1671] Wow.

[1672] He started collecting them in the 90s.

[1673] Most of the ones in his collection were quite affordable.

[1674] There was an explosion in the Porsche market that's really never been seen in automotive history other than these old Ferraris, but they're so fewer of them.

[1675] The 9 -11s from the 60s, 70s, and 80s, from the time he bought all them till where they're at now, they like quintupled in value.

[1676] They just started shooting up about 15 years ago and they just haven't stopped.

[1677] So we just kind of accidentally again.

[1678] I don't know how many hundreds of me. I think that they say like 800 million he made on Seinfeld.

[1679] And then this car collection probably.

[1680] 800 million?

[1681] Yeah.

[1682] He's gotten many checks for like 150 million in one year for syndication.

[1683] Like that's what's funny is like people publicize the fact that they were all making one million an episode to act in it.

[1684] That's nothing.

[1685] They weren't making a million an episode.

[1686] Yeah, at the end.

[1687] And they even offered Jerry for a 10th season.

[1688] I read it in my research.

[1689] They offered him $5 million an episode to come back for a year 10.

[1690] Holy shit.

[1691] The point being, his $22 million from acting, it didn't matter.

[1692] That was like saying what his per diem budget was when they were on location.

[1693] It was all about the ownership of syndication, which has generated billions of dollars.

[1694] Wow.

[1695] Yeah.

[1696] And his stand -up tours, I read all these earnings things.

[1697] He's always in Forbes.

[1698] Like many, many of the years where you kind of thought he wasn't even doing anything.

[1699] He was making $60 million a year touring.

[1700] Oh, Mike.

[1701] And B -movie.

[1702] I don't think he cleaned up on B -movie.

[1703] Don't forget B -movie.

[1704] But it just, I've known a handful of people like this.

[1705] Like, they just can't, they accidentally, like, that's just his hobby.

[1706] He wants to collect these Porsches.

[1707] Well, then, lo and behold, that's probably the best investment you could have made is 9 -11s over the period of time.

[1708] Or I had heard about it when it happened.

[1709] And it was national news.

[1710] I guess people saw it as opulent.

[1711] He had bought this parking garage in Manhattan.

[1712] Oh, I heard about that.

[1713] Yeah.

[1714] But I looked at that.

[1715] I think he bought it for $2 million when he did.

[1716] Wow.

[1717] Guaranteed that parking lot he owns in Manhattan is now worth $25 million.

[1718] You know, like some people just have this horseshoe up their ass for accident.

[1719] And then this show.

[1720] Comedians and cars getting coffee.

[1721] It was funded by Crackle originally.

[1722] that old platform before it was at Netflix so the budget that shows one cent you're not even thinking has value he's doing it as a hobby yeah and then it goes over to netflix for a ton of money and again it's just kind of an ad you didn't set out to do that wow i'm fascinated by that i love that the movie made almost 300 million yes yeah but i don't know what his participation he produced it yeah he's a big guy in it the great producers of that era the top tier producers were getting 8 % of gross.

[1723] He's Barry B. Benson in that.

[1724] He was a B and a producer.

[1725] So he might have made $20 million on that.

[1726] That's a lot of fucking money.

[1727] Compared to the hundreds of millions of dollars.

[1728] It's just, relatively.

[1729] It's like his salary from acting on the show.

[1730] I know, but compared to anyone else on earth, that's an insane amount of money.

[1731] It is.

[1732] And that's one of his one tiny, tiny fragment of his smallest thing.

[1733] Yeah.

[1734] God.

[1735] True.

[1736] Kristen's in the biggest cartoon of all time and didn't make that.

[1737] Also, ding -daining Kristen, this is a bit of a stretch.

[1738] There's more of a duck, duck, goose.

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] I met Seinfeld's wife once.

[1741] Jessica.

[1742] Jesse, yeah.

[1743] At a gap, not a gala, but sort of a gala.

[1744] A good plus foundation event?

[1745] I don't remember what it was.

[1746] We had to go to New York.

[1747] We were in New York and we went to this.

[1748] I can't remember if it was a good plus of it or if she just happened to be there.

[1749] I remember this.

[1750] It has something to do with pulling a chair up for you.

[1751] Yeah, this was a bad day for me. I didn't have a chair.

[1752] Oh, my God.

[1753] I was such riffraff.

[1754] But I did meet her and she was really nice.

[1755] In the midst of that.

[1756] Not as nice as Matthew McConaughey's wife, but very nice.

[1757] Camilla?

[1758] Yeah, Camilla said I was really pretty.

[1759] and she is I think objectively don't scoff at that I didn't scoff at it yeah you said no what I was about to say and I would like to continue to is she's the I think objectively the prettiest human being I've ever seen in real life with my eyes it's you're like whoa there's a Navi here or something this is a computer generated person so for her to tell you that is more relevant if Shrek came up to you and he's like, you're beautiful.

[1760] Well.

[1761] You would still be nice.

[1762] It's still be nice.

[1763] You know what I'm saying.

[1764] I do, but I don't think it transfers like that.

[1765] It doesn't.

[1766] I don't think it's like because you're beautiful, your perception of beauty is heightened.

[1767] I actually think it's the opposite.

[1768] No, I think she would look at you and she was like, she kind of looks like me. No. And I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

[1769] I'm going to tell her.

[1770] I think that's what she meant.

[1771] How about this?

[1772] I think this is very analogous, other side of the gender equation.

[1773] If Matthew McConaughey says to me, Dax.

[1774] Oh, God.

[1775] This is all just a way to.

[1776] It's not excuse.

[1777] It's not an excuse.

[1778] I wasn't even trying to do this.

[1779] I just wanted to say, Dax, you're raped.

[1780] You are in great shape.

[1781] It means more to me coming from him because he's in great shape.

[1782] Yeah.

[1783] Someone who's in terrible shape, they would think I'm in good shape because they're in terrible shape.

[1784] But if Matthew McConaughey says I'm in good shape, like, he's in great shape.

[1785] That's a huge compliment.

[1786] If Schwarzenegger tells you you're jacked, you're like, whoa!

[1787] Arnie Swartz, he said, I get that.

[1788] Oh, God.

[1789] Are you cycling?

[1790] What's going on?

[1791] Are you eating all your protein or what?

[1792] You're like a humongous tree.

[1793] You're like an enormous redwood or a sequoia.

[1794] Who do you lifting?

[1795] Your house?

[1796] What about if the robot says it?

[1797] I don't know if that's a good shape, but all your friends seem to be excited for you.

[1798] So congratulations on the esteem that your peers are showering on you.

[1799] I'm not sure if that's a good or bad physique because we're made with the most limited amount of metal required for us to move.

[1800] What about Obama?

[1801] No. No, leave it.

[1802] Backs, backs, your body looks good.

[1803] Sasha, Malaya, Michelle, they like your body.

[1804] That's pretty.

[1805] I mean, all things considered that's an okay Obama.

[1806] I just wanted to end on the robot.

[1807] Was that your president, Obama?

[1808] Or a guy who sounds so shockingly similar.

[1809] I could have swore that was Obama.

[1810] Oh, my God.

[1811] In fact, they just analyze the sequence, and it's him.

[1812] I have a voice analyzer.

[1813] How cool I just heard Obama talk about me. Oh, my God.

[1814] Okay.

[1815] Anyway, I don't think it transfers.

[1816] I know what you, I think you're right about the facet.

[1817] The jacked men commenting on other jacked men.

[1818] I love jacked men.

[1819] But I don't think it works the same with a beautiful woman calling another person.

[1820] beautiful i don't okay so anyway um his wife is very cool yeah uh which one you were talking about too jessica or camilla jessica seinfeld jesse jennepald jesse yeah she introduces herself as she goes by that is it it's what about if a cool person tells you you're cool that means more something's transfer this isn't the robot but it's robot adjacent like oh my god you're so cool hey i like that guy i do too i want to protect him you have more control over being cool or jack than you do it being beautiful that's very true because you're either born with it or not it's like someone saying you're really tall that's also tall that doesn't translate well now if Shaquille O 'Neal said to me like man you're tall you'd like that's my Shaquille O 'Neal by the way man you're tall okay I used to play for the Lakers I'm not doing an obviously bad one did you pick that up yeah I think yeah Oh, my God, did you read the Hollywood Reporter Inclusion report card?

[1821] Tall people are totally underrepresented.

[1822] People over 6 .3 represent 1 % of our population and online.

[1823] 0 .05 % of actors are tall.

[1824] Or having a tall rally.

[1825] Do you want to come?

[1826] Obviously, you do want to be?

[1827] told you're pretty.

[1828] Absolutely.

[1829] It wasn't like it meant let.

[1830] I just, it means more.

[1831] Excuse me, Monica.

[1832] No, I could cut that.

[1833] Stop.

[1834] This is a monster from the ocean.

[1835] I don't know who you feel bad for right now, but this is.

[1836] You were doing hands.

[1837] Excuse me, Mrs. Padman.

[1838] You are so beautiful.

[1839] Could you have me some water?

[1840] I'm drying.

[1841] Oh, so pretty.

[1842] Oh, God.

[1843] No, that sea creature tells you're pretty.

[1844] You're not filing it in the same category.

[1845] You're lying yourself.

[1846] I know, but you know, it's also very fucked up, but the truth and is sort of a ding, ding, ding, not sort of an, a ding, ding, ding exactly to an episode we recorded today that hasn't come out yet.

[1847] It means more to me if a man says it than a woman.

[1848] Well, right, because that's who you're trying to attract.

[1849] Right.

[1850] There's something there's anything wrong with.

[1851] That's very logical.

[1852] Yeah.

[1853] So I do want them to be attracted to me. Yeah.

[1854] Well, good news.

[1855] They are.

[1856] I got some breaking news for you.

[1857] Amar.

[1858] Oh, my lord.

[1859] Anywho.

[1860] All right.

[1861] Well, I'm grateful to Jerry and...

[1862] The whole gang, really.

[1863] The whole team over there.

[1864] Jerry's assistant was like 79 years old.

[1865] 79 -year -old male.

[1866] Yeah, and you liked that.

[1867] I did.

[1868] I was like, this is, I think it weirdly shows some.

[1869] He wasn't, I don't think it was a assistant.

[1870] He was just like an attack guy that worked in the building.

[1871] Oh.

[1872] No, his circle is tiny.

[1873] He's not letting some random guy at a building come fuck with his computer before an interview.

[1874] That guy's on the team.

[1875] Was he at his house?

[1876] No, Tim, Tim Stone from Rubenstein.

[1877] Got his email.

[1878] Let me see what he.

[1879] Ask him if he works in the building or he works for jury.

[1880] Exactly.

[1881] Rob's got him in some building.

[1882] He works for Rubens.

[1883] They're in a building because he was going into another room to do another interview.

[1884] I believe he was in a building.

[1885] I do.

[1886] But I don't believe that this was the generic IT guy for the building.

[1887] But it was a tech guy working at a building that does this.

[1888] That makes sense.

[1889] I think it's the building his production company's in where he goes to three days a week.

[1890] I read he goes to some building three days.

[1891] This guy works for Rubenstein because I've got his email.

[1892] What's Rubenstein?

[1893] Um, they, we help clients shape what they do, what they say and what was, they represent leaders and groundbreakers across industries.

[1894] Okay.

[1895] That's very generic.

[1896] Well, then that's not nearly as fun.

[1897] I thought Jerry Seinfeld's personal assistant was a 79 year old bald man. And that, I thought, like, there's something about it that said integrity.

[1898] Yeah, you thought it was like noble.

[1899] I did.

[1900] I did.

[1901] I thought it was like a sign of high morals.

[1902] He could be with anyone all day along.

[1903] And he picked this nice old gentleman.

[1904] this guy that's him and there he is also we only got a glance is he's like in his 50s yeah like 40s or 50s maybe he's between 40 and 79 years old oh yes noble very noble all people talk about the money they don't talk about how rich he is in character and integrity right you're right I knew it I can see it in your eyes before it comes is that your geriatric consistent this is a conventional you are a fiboral farmer sometimes when i pronounce fiber it comes out as farmer because of an upgrade this is a feature not a bug robots can't get communal bugs all right good night this is this isn't going to end if one of us doesn't end it I love you.

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