Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] Did you see the tie -in?

[5] Yeah.

[6] Okay, because it's holiday.

[7] It's holiday.

[8] This episode is about Nightmare Holiday Experiences.

[9] There's some fun ones in here.

[10] Let me glance at these so I can just remind myself, I'm glad I character and play.

[11] Oh, that was a big one.

[12] So funny.

[13] Oh, that's a big one.

[14] Yeah, there's a really good one.

[15] Oh, boy.

[16] Righteousness.

[17] Righteousness.

[18] Yeah, this is a great one.

[19] Just in time for the big holiday celebration.

[20] Yeah.

[21] Are you filled and infected and burbling with holiday cheer?

[22] I am.

[23] I've been spending a lot of time around my tree, staring at my tree.

[24] I got new ornaments for it.

[25] You saw our tree, right?

[26] Yeah.

[27] Okay.

[28] I was there when this happened.

[29] Okay, so we went and got a huge, beautiful tree.

[30] Yeah.

[31] And I put it up and I put the lights on it.

[32] Then I went, I don't know, a couple days past.

[33] You and I were recording.

[34] Yep.

[35] We came back into the living room.

[36] Kristen was in there with Anna.

[37] And I looked at the tree and I was like, oh, my God, I've never seen this happen, nor did I think the laws of physics would permit this to happen.

[38] You said, oh, go ahead.

[39] You said, I was in that my herd.

[40] What happened?

[41] Yes.

[42] You like yelled what happened.

[43] I was so loud.

[44] I was in a new era of physics.

[45] Newtonian was out the window.

[46] Unsteinian was out the window.

[47] I now lived in a world where the top fifth of the Christmas tree can droop over like a melted camera.

[48] I was like, how on earth did the trunk get rubbery on the top fifth of the tree?

[49] The whole top of the tree makes a left turn droops upside down.

[50] And now the star that I had hung so delicately, so many zip ties, is inverted.

[51] It's pointing at the ground.

[52] It's on the side of the tree.

[53] Oh, it really made me laugh.

[54] I'm so glad you were there.

[55] What did you think when you saw it?

[56] Did you immediately know what was going on?

[57] Yes, I knew that was her plan.

[58] Design intent.

[59] Yeah, because.

[60] The theme of our Christmas, which is adorable, I didn't even know you could pick a theme.

[61] But the theme of ours is Dr. Seuss Christmas or Grinch Christmas.

[62] Yeah.

[63] So Kristen built this whole prosthetic, right, on top of the tree that bends it over, curves it.

[64] But it's all like bent metal covered in fake pine tree.

[65] It's very real looking.

[66] Yeah, it looks great.

[67] She then took the Grinch outfit.

[68] had worn in the hello bellow commercial and she has stuffed him full of stuff and he's in the tree like his upper torso and head is in the tree and his butt and legs are hanging out the side of the tree yeah that wasn't up yet have you seen that no it's incredible got to see yeah it's really impressive yeah it was funny okay so that was my Christmas nightmare as I thought like you thought like you thought I was just reacting to a Christmas tree that's not what I was reacting to I was like everything's on the table now like it's flubber reel?

[69] Do we need fuel for cars?

[70] What are the laws of this universe I live in?

[71] Because that violated all the ones I believe.

[72] Oh my God.

[73] That was really funny.

[74] Okay, please enjoy nightmare holiday experiences.

[75] Can you hear me now?

[76] Can you hear me now?

[77] Yes.

[78] How are you?

[79] Welcome to the show, Emmy.

[80] Thank you.

[81] First, Dax, I have to tell you.

[82] I don't want this to gas you up too much.

[83] Please gas me up.

[84] Monica just got asked on a date, and I get nothing.

[85] So gas away.

[86] You get everything.

[87] So I've never been a fan girl, but I have to say that I have the biggest crush on you.

[88] And that if Kristen disappears, I'm available.

[89] Oh, my God.

[90] Emmy, thank you.

[91] You just put so much wind in myself.

[92] There you go.

[93] And you have a beautiful puffer coat collection.

[94] Oh, so these are actually the kids.

[95] I babysits coats.

[96] This is their apartment.

[97] Okay.

[98] This is during working hours.

[99] Are you supposed to be babysitting right now?

[100] Yes.

[101] Okay, perfect, perfect, perfect.

[102] I wonder if we could get named in a lawsuit.

[103] Probably.

[104] I think so.

[105] Yeah, it's the source of the distraction.

[106] Where are you at in, like, New York or something?

[107] I am in New York City.

[108] Yes.

[109] Oh, uh -huh, uh -huh.

[110] And where does your holiday nightmare story take place?

[111] So my story takes place in Fort Myers, Florida, which is where I'm from.

[112] A site of much craziness, right?

[113] Yes.

[114] So it makes perfect sense.

[115] It happened in 2013.

[116] So I was a freshman in high school.

[117] Hold on back up.

[118] I got to file your compliment somewhere safe.

[119] Are you 23?

[120] I'm 24.

[121] 24, Monica.

[122] That's just too young for me to be excited.

[123] Okay.

[124] I just want to proceed.

[125] Okay.

[126] So this is in 2003.

[127] But a 24 -year -old has a crush on you.

[128] And that's all you want.

[129] Yes, yes, yes.

[130] Okay, okay.

[131] I took singing and acting lessons growing up because I'm an actor, so I did that my whole life.

[132] I had this voice teacher, Dr. Carroll, as she preferred to be called.

[133] She had a PhD, so she felt she should be called a doctor, obviously, Dr. Voice.

[134] And she would always come up with these crazy ideas for our recitals.

[135] We could never have just a regular recital.

[136] We had to do a storyline.

[137] There had to be lines.

[138] There had to be some production.

[139] For this particular recital, she thought it would be a great idea to teach the people of Florida a lesson.

[140] She was from Connecticut and she would always say, you know, these people in Florida, they're so conservative, they don't care about anyone.

[141] And she would always try to tell us political things during lessons, you know, because we weren't learning them at home.

[142] Sure, she had an agenda.

[143] Exactly.

[144] So this year she said, we're going to teach everyone a lesson in the spirit of Christmas.

[145] We're going to teach everyone to be giving.

[146] So I'm going to get one of my former students who no one has ever seen before, who's an adult now, to dress up as an unhoused person who she called the bag lady.

[147] No!

[148] The bag lady was going to come in during the performance, steal a person's purse who knew their purse was going to be stolen.

[149] This was to be rehearsed.

[150] And then someone from the cast would say, we should help them in the spirit of Christmas.

[151] Oh, help the bag lady or the victim of theft?

[152] I don't think she thought that the audience would see it that way.

[153] She thought, you know, we're going to help everyone, we're going to help the bag woman, we're going to find it in our hearts.

[154] Okay.

[155] The bag lady.

[156] She's conflating a lot of issues now because if she just wants to elicit the sympathy for the bag woman, fine.

[157] But then when you introduce her as a thief, now you've really muddied the waters.

[158] It's having a reverse.

[159] It's saying all unhoused people are thieves.

[160] She's perpetuating maybe a stereotype.

[161] Like, what if the unhoused person came in and shot someone?

[162] in the head.

[163] And they're like, let's help this woman get a warm meal the night for the holidays.

[164] Oh, hold on.

[165] Why do you ever shoot somebody first?

[166] Okay.

[167] Weird plan.

[168] Also, the doctor is a narcissist, but continue.

[169] Yes.

[170] And also, is this part of the play?

[171] So it was like a Christmas recital.

[172] So we would just sing Christmas songs, but she had to make everything, you know, a big ordeal.

[173] A teachable moment.

[174] Exactly.

[175] She was also really disorganized.

[176] And she also had some adult students.

[177] And when we would have rehearsals, the adult students wouldn't always come to the rehearsals because they weren't really part of the play aspect.

[178] So they would just get up and sing and then be done with it.

[179] She also told us before this happened, don't tell your parents about the bag lady.

[180] Swear you to secrecy.

[181] What is this?

[182] Tony and Tina's wedding.

[183] They do this.

[184] Is that the name of a play?

[185] Tony and Tina's high school wedding?

[186] And then there's people in the bathroom.

[187] It was on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

[188] And there's guys in the bathroom act.

[189] They're in the play.

[190] But you don't know who's who.

[191] It's an interactive thing.

[192] That's what she's going for.

[193] Exactly.

[194] So the day comes and we rehearsed not the exact instance, but the purse being stolen has been rehearsed.

[195] And for this performance, we're all sitting on the altar.

[196] The cast is sitting on the altar.

[197] And the bag lady was supposed to come in at the end of someone's song, take the purse.

[198] So in the time between the two songs, you know, there was time for her to steal it, then someone stands up and says, we should help her.

[199] So I'm sitting on the altar and this man, Fernando, he is a, you know, a big Italian tenor, he's singing, and he has a microphone in one hand.

[200] I see the bag lady come in from the back of the sanctuary, but it was right when he began singing.

[201] She's early on her cue.

[202] She jumped her cue.

[203] Yeah, she didn't know one to come in.

[204] Okay.

[205] She's too into character.

[206] She's acting disoriented in male.

[207] malnourished.

[208] Oh, my God, where am I?

[209] Exactly like that.

[210] I can see the parents are starting to get a little fired up.

[211] They're kind of like, this seems a little suspicious that she's here and blah, blah, blah.

[212] Well, she steals the purse while the man is still singing.

[213] Oh, boy.

[214] And he proceeds to, with the microphone in one hand, grabs her and the purse with the other hand, and they get into a little tug of war.

[215] Sure.

[216] Because he didn't know.

[217] Clearly.

[218] He didn't come to rehearsal.

[219] He didn't know.

[220] I didn't want to try to jump and guess the punchline of the story, but my first thought when you're setting this up is like, if I'm in a theater watching my kids thing, I got this friend mom, you know, one of the kids' parents, I see her purse get nabbed.

[221] I'm grabbing that back.

[222] I'm going to intervene.

[223] So good, that's exactly what happened.

[224] Yeah.

[225] Then the singer gets in a fight with her.

[226] Meanwhile, all of us are sitting on the stage.

[227] Does he stop singing or does he try to sing through?

[228] No, no. He's still going on with the song.

[229] Oh, yes.

[230] So he's fighting and singing.

[231] The show must go on.

[232] What a scene.

[233] So we're all looking.

[234] No one says anything to be like, oh, this is part of the show.

[235] After, I don't know how long of struggle, it felt like a long time to me, some dads from the audience just like tackle her to the ground.

[236] Oh, my God.

[237] The dads have been fucking training for this in their mind for years.

[238] She is screaming, saying, I'm part of the show.

[239] I'm part of the show.

[240] And of course, they're like, yeah, you liar.

[241] Meanwhile, none of us speak up.

[242] No one says anything.

[243] You guys!

[244] Well, they're uncomfortable.

[245] Yeah.

[246] And then my mom called the police.

[247] No. And right around that time, my teacher comes out of the sound booth with a microphone, screaming at everyone, stop, stop, how dare you?

[248] How dare you ruin the performance like this?

[249] No. And she was so upset.

[250] that the audience didn't get her moral she was cramming down their throat and she was mad at us that no one stood up and said anything but i think we were all a little too jarred well a lot was happening then the police came they checked everything out seemed fine and the show finished oh my god this person the doctor carol the doctor listen what a poor poor plan because what she did is actually vindicated what people already dislike about the unhoused, which is they're proceeding through their life with their children, having this moment, and then their whole life is redirected by this very sad thing in front of them, and then they're trying to explain to their kids, why they're, yeah, like, why'd the woman call you a warlock?

[251] You know, this happens to me. Oh, she thinks I'm a warlock, because she probably has mental health.

[252] So once a year this pageant comes along, they're enjoying their big day, and then in stumbles the, quote, bag lady, It's confirming every bad thing they think.

[253] It's not like introduce her as like a full -fledged human being.

[254] Exactly.

[255] She fucked that up.

[256] Big time.

[257] I hope they revoked her doctorate degree, to be honest.

[258] Was she summarily ushered out of her role?

[259] No, that was her studio.

[260] It wasn't like through a school or anything.

[261] In attendance probably didn't even go down.

[262] Oh, of course not.

[263] Okay.

[264] She has a doctor.

[265] Right.

[266] She knows her stuff.

[267] You know, we're being really critical of her, but I will say I do have half a mind to fly down to Fort Myers this year and see whatever lesson she's teaching this year.

[268] It could be.

[269] Yeah, because this was a long time ago.

[270] Like, she might arrange like a school shooting inside of the performance to, like, teach everyone about that.

[271] Oh, my God.

[272] She'll tackle anything.

[273] Well, she's tackling the unhoused.

[274] She was ahead of her time with the unhoused, to be fair.

[275] 2013?

[276] Yeah.

[277] Yeah.

[278] It hasn't worked.

[279] It's gotten way worse.

[280] It's very divisive more than ever.

[281] She's not doing a great job.

[282] Okay, two questions.

[283] And this is counter to what I want to do.

[284] I want to accept your crush declaration as just wind in my sales.

[285] But I can't help but be a little concerned about you.

[286] Here's my question.

[287] Was dad around?

[288] Oh, God.

[289] Jesus Christ.

[290] Yes.

[291] I love my dad.

[292] We're very close.

[293] Okay, great.

[294] That allows me to accept it.

[295] better than if you never met dad right monica i can't i can't get involved in it well i think there's a very ethical what i'm doing i know but you've turned something light into something extreme i'm teaching a lesson i know you're dr carroll i'd love to get dr carroll's number maybe we can collaborate on something no one should ever go to any of your performances i'd be like have you ever thought about pyrotechnics in the show you could get a lot of emotion out of big scary explosions.

[296] Well, Emmy, thank you so much.

[297] That was a, what an incredible story.

[298] Thank you guys so much.

[299] This totally, like, made my entire year.

[300] Oh, good.

[301] Well, we hope you have a wonderful holiday season.

[302] Yeah, enjoy the holiday.

[303] I will.

[304] You guys, too.

[305] All right.

[306] Nice meeting you, Emmy.

[307] Bye -bye.

[308] Ask and you shall receive.

[309] You wanted someone to say they had a crush on you.

[310] You act like such a victim.

[311] I'm just like you.

[312] Then five seconds later, someone says they have a crush on you.

[313] Well, you know what's funny is I'm just like you.

[314] I'm so critical of you that you can't accept it.

[315] And I'm like, well, something's wrong with her.

[316] She has a crush on me. Yeah.

[317] Yeah, she's got to have dad issues or something.

[318] That was dumb that you asked that.

[319] Can you see how dumb it is in me?

[320] Yeah.

[321] Hello.

[322] Hi, you guys.

[323] What beautiful red hair you have.

[324] Thank you.

[325] You sound like the wolf.

[326] Oh, what a lovely red dress.

[327] It's better to see you with my dear.

[328] Yeah, maybe.

[329] I don't think that's too far off.

[330] I think that's probably right.

[331] Just the phrasing of the compliment.

[332] I'm sorry.

[333] How don't you come inside and get comfortable while I get a knife and fork and a bib?

[334] Okay.

[335] We just had to call that out.

[336] Okay.

[337] Tricia, where are you at other than a closet?

[338] I'm in the Dallas area in Texas.

[339] An ordinary amount of Dallas folks.

[340] And we welcome you.

[341] Yeah.

[342] I noticed that.

[343] Yeah.

[344] Okay.

[345] So you had a nightmare.

[346] holiday experience and we would love to find out what happened, what year, where were you at?

[347] Tell us, Trisha.

[348] Sure.

[349] Okay.

[350] To set the scene, this was back in about 2003.

[351] So I was just a wee babe about 13, 14 years old.

[352] And like every good nightmare story, it's all about my stepdad.

[353] Oh boy.

[354] So this is our last Christmas together.

[355] Starting early, he had a lot of childhood trauma that he was really good at suppressing every other time of the year.

[356] But come the holidays, it would just erupt.

[357] And every year got a little bit more crazy.

[358] And my mom would overcompensate for that because it started to become pretty predictable after like year six or seven.

[359] We just kind of knew.

[360] And so she went on the other side of the Christmas crazy spectrum with joy and decorations.

[361] Trying to make it perfect for her qualifier.

[362] Exactly.

[363] Exactly.

[364] Exactly.

[365] Just balance it all out.

[366] And this year, they had some kind of issue that led us to my aunt's house just a couple of days before Christmas.

[367] So, you know, like prime holiday season, cookies, the whole thing.

[368] So we were there.

[369] And all of a sudden, there was some commotion outside.

[370] It got louder and louder and a bit more British.

[371] Oh.

[372] The stepdad was British?

[373] Yes, stepdad was British.

[374] His name is Graham.

[375] Oh, very British name.

[376] My God.

[377] Exactly, exactly.

[378] And to continue with his perfect Britishness, he also collected jaguars.

[379] Oh.

[380] Yeah, so we look out the window, and there was one of his collectible convertible jaguars.

[381] And the back of it was completely full of these gifts.

[382] They're beautiful wrapped, you know, could only be my mother's crazy Christmas gifts.

[383] And so they were stuffed all in the back of his jaguar comparison.

[384] convertible, you know, like an angry Grinch sleigh, full of our Christmas gifts.

[385] We thought, okay, well, that's a little odd.

[386] We ended up going back to the house to get a couple of things.

[387] When we roll up, there are no lights outside.

[388] There's no wreaths.

[389] There's no glitter.

[390] Like, that's odd.

[391] It's still Christmas.

[392] And we go inside and all of the Christmas decorations are gone.

[393] And this was everything from like the wreaths around the banister.

[394] He even swept.

[395] there was no glitter anywhere.

[396] It was wild.

[397] And the Christmas tree was gone.

[398] We looked up in the attic.

[399] Everything was put away like a professional did it.

[400] That was strange, but there was no Christmas box.

[401] And we had, as you can imagine, an enormous Christmas tree.

[402] And there was no Christmas tree.

[403] We go back downstairs and we look in the backyard and our Christmas tree was clearly thrown into the backyard and either some kind of hatchet or some kind of angry stomping happened, but there were ornaments everywhere.

[404] There was pines, it was plastic everywhere in the backyard.

[405] So he had clearly drug it out there and then just went apeshit and attacked it.

[406] Yeah, like in one of those therapy rooms where you, you know, tear up the old cars and the old TVs on my literal Christmas.

[407] He pulled a Grinch, who stole the gifts and stole her tree.

[408] Listen, what the fuck?

[409] I would not want this for a family, but if I looked outside and saw a middle -aged man fist -fighting a Christmas tree in a total meltdown, I have to say I would think that was pretty funny.

[410] We laughed.

[411] There's you and how many siblings?

[412] I have one older brother.

[413] How's the older brother deal with the threat of this man?

[414] This is a threatening human being.

[415] Yes.

[416] Yes.

[417] I mean, at this point, we'd kind of mentally, physically, spiritually prepared ourselves for the Christmas.

[418] And it was just a matter of seeing how it unfolded.

[419] He was never a protector or, you know, he never went up to him, like, two dogs going to fight or anything.

[420] It was just like letting him see what he would do this year.

[421] And then maybe you're old enough.

[422] You're in your teens.

[423] You're actually able to laugh about him behind his back.

[424] You two can kind of enjoy like, oh, wow, he really lost it this year.

[425] Exactly.

[426] Exactly, exactly.

[427] It was more of what Christmas performance.

[428] And the fact that he actually followed the book of The Grinch.

[429] Yeah.

[430] Probably unintentionally.

[431] I don't even think he's ever read it.

[432] Yeah, he was taking the tree back to his shop to fix one of the bulbs and he'd return it in the morning.

[433] That's what the Grinch claimed.

[434] It wasn't really about the things, even like the Grinch learned.

[435] It wasn't even about the things at this point.

[436] It was just a matter of what a wild story.

[437] Yeah.

[438] And thank God this is our last Christmas together.

[439] And does Graham then just ignore everyone the next three days?

[440] Is he embarrassed?

[441] Like, what is his disposition after this huge grinching?

[442] Well, ironically, usually after he has some kind of crazy temper tantrum, he would bias things.

[443] So we ended up getting like a bunch of the gifts back.

[444] This is so unhealthy.

[445] Oh, no, it's very toxic.

[446] This is not a good environment.

[447] I'm so sorry.

[448] It was as grinchy as it gets.

[449] That's incredible.

[450] You really lived through, you're reading The Grinch and you think, well, this could never happen, right?

[451] No one has the capacity to do this.

[452] And boy, Graham did.

[453] I hope he got what he needed.

[454] I hope he got help.

[455] Did he get help?

[456] I don't think so.

[457] I don't think so.

[458] He's pretty, like, large and angry and swollen.

[459] Oh, okay.

[460] He's probably as we speak, drop kicking or Douglas fir in the backyard of someone's house.

[461] Maybe it's his new.

[462] Maybe it's his new.

[463] tradition every year.

[464] I wonder what the trauma was that created this very specific Christmas trigger.

[465] Well, clearly something very sad happened to Graham.

[466] Of course.

[467] Of course.

[468] But that doesn't mean you can put that on other people.

[469] No, no, we're not excusing it.

[470] Wow.

[471] Okay, and your mom, I do want to know how she is.

[472] And then also in that moment, is she like, it's okay, kid?

[473] Like, what's she saying?

[474] We'd all just kind of laughed about it at this point.

[475] She wasn't excusing it either.

[476] She was pretty flabbergasted by the whole thing that it would get to this level and, you know, would go outside of just affecting her and it would affect us, too.

[477] They divorced pretty quickly after that.

[478] So I think that was for the best.

[479] They really brought out the worst in each other.

[480] Well, for her, it might have been like, well, great.

[481] I finally have one very clear moment.

[482] I can exit this whole thing very justifiably.

[483] Yeah.

[484] It might have even been a gift.

[485] Like, if he had been a sweetheart that Christmas, maybe this takes another two years.

[486] That's true.

[487] That's a good point.

[488] This was the gift he gave.

[489] That's right.

[490] That's right.

[491] Well, Trisha, incredible story.

[492] Thank you so much for sharing it.

[493] I'm glad I had no impact on your red hair.

[494] It seems to be thriving despite that.

[495] Well, thank you.

[496] No, I'm glad that I can share my hilarious trauma and laugh about it then and laugh about it now.

[497] And I'm just so excited that I can meet you guys.

[498] and our paths can just have a moment to cross.

[499] I've been a huge fan and a big arm cherry for years and years.

[500] So thank you guys for having me. Oh, thanks, Trisha.

[501] We're glad we got to meet you as well.

[502] Happy holidays.

[503] Merry Christmas.

[504] Let's hope your Christmas tree stays indoors.

[505] All right, bye -bye.

[506] David and I, you know, some of the stuff was kind of amusing because there was a lot of eye rolling to each other.

[507] You know, it's kind of fun and bonding to be in it with your sibling and go like, oh, look at this.

[508] This is new, you know?

[509] Yeah.

[510] I think that's how you deal with it, but that's...

[511] Not ideal.

[512] Traumatic.

[513] It was traumatic for me to hear it.

[514] I know, and I'm sorry.

[515] Yeah, I feel trauma.

[516] I guess when you ask for a nightmare holiday experience, you got to say, you know, your expectations.

[517] Yeah.

[518] Do you have any holiday nightmare experiences, Monica?

[519] I don't think so.

[520] I love holidays.

[521] Me too.

[522] The only thing I will say about holidays, this is sort of indicative of my whole life a little bit.

[523] But I was so into Christmas.

[524] and so excited, and I want it to be festive, and I want the garland on the...

[525] On the wreaths.

[526] Exactly.

[527] And I think we did have that when I was young, but, you know, my mom got tired.

[528] This is what happens, obviously.

[529] It's a big output of work.

[530] It is.

[531] And she worked, and she didn't want to deal with this.

[532] Anyway, so I felt responsible for my own happiness there.

[533] Okay.

[534] So I would go to Michaels by myself.

[535] And I would, like, buy the stuff.

[536] And when you just decorate your room or the whole house?

[537] No, the whole house.

[538] Oh, you would?

[539] It wouldn't have, no, I needed the whole house to feel like other people's houses felt when I went in on Christmas.

[540] Yeah, that's my follow -up question is, do you think it was motivated out of not being different or a genuine love for the colorful, vibrant, playful, jubilant?

[541] Well, it was a mix, I think, because when I went to other people's houses where it was all Christmassy, I felt the joy of it.

[542] And I loved it.

[543] And then I would walk into our house, and it was bluesy.

[544] It's so weird to think, like, your dad spent half of his life not celebrating this holiday.

[545] It's so enormous here.

[546] I know.

[547] What a thing to have to click into.

[548] Yeah.

[549] Again, for a long time, we had lights up outside.

[550] Like, they did it.

[551] Right.

[552] And then they just stopped doing it.

[553] At a certain age for you or after you left?

[554] No, no, no. Me doing all the decorating stuff was while I was living there.

[555] When I was, like, I was a teenager.

[556] So maybe they did it when you were a little kid.

[557] They did.

[558] And then once you were a teen, they were like, all right, well, come on now.

[559] Once I hit, like, middle school, they felt done with it, I guess.

[560] We gave you the whole experience.

[561] Yeah, but, you know, you got to keep it up.

[562] You got to always give you that experience.

[563] Or you don't have to do, and I'll figure it out for myself.

[564] Do you ever imagine yourself going to visit your parents when you're, like, 70 and they're 90?

[565] And you're like, why isn't the house decorating?

[566] I want a nice house when I come home.

[567] Make it nice for me. Like, 70.

[568] You know, what's funny is, I have a feeling.

[569] That's something now she might return to getting into.

[570] Yes.

[571] But she was just overwhelmed.

[572] Assuming her plants were all in homeostasis.

[573] Like everything was...

[574] Well, plants come first.

[575] That's right.

[576] So once they're all accounted for in thriving.

[577] Well, the place we put the Christmas tree is where a lot of her plants are, so we're going to have to do some rearranging.

[578] Oh, or put decorative lighting on the plants.

[579] Okay, I'll suggest that.

[580] What's up, guys?

[581] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[582] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[583] I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[584] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[585] And I don't mean just friends.

[586] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[587] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[588] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[589] We've all been there.

[590] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[591] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[592] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[593] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[594] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[595] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[596] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[597] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[598] All right, Paige is here.

[599] Page with a P. Paging Professor Paige.

[600] Hello.

[601] Hi.

[602] Nice to meet you.

[603] Paige, why do you have such a radical headset?

[604] I run a business and we're virtual, but this is just their like $25 headset.

[605] Well, you look so official.

[606] It looks professional.

[607] Thank you.

[608] That's what I'm going for.

[609] You could guide me through anything in the house and I would listen to your every instruction.

[610] Like, okay, have you tried unplugging the modem and then do this?

[611] You exude expertise with that on.

[612] Perfect.

[613] I love it.

[614] Where are you at in the country?

[615] I am in Salt Lake City.

[616] Wonderful.

[617] So you have a holiday nightmare.

[618] story, please hit us with it.

[619] I was in high school and I had a job working at the Santa shack at the mall.

[620] So excited already.

[621] It was kind of similar to David Sedaris's Santa Land Diaries when he worked for Santa.

[622] And so my job was to help people through the line and introduce them to Santa, take a picture and send them on their way.

[623] So saw a lot of scared kids a lot of the time.

[624] Was this in Utah?

[625] Mm -hmm.

[626] It was.

[627] Okay.

[628] And our biggest piece of advice for people when they were scared because we could sense it, is to just go quick, to hurry and put the kid on Santa's lap, we'll take a picture.

[629] They might look kind of surprised, but it only went downhill from there.

[630] You can't give them time to start crying.

[631] No, they never warm up to Santa.

[632] It's always going to get worse.

[633] And so we would give this advice and basically no one would listen to us.

[634] The very worst case of this was a mom who had like eight kids and she wanted to get him up there and arrange them all perfectly.

[635] And from the get -go, there was one kid that you could just tell was so uncomfortable, unhappy about the situation.

[636] And he kept trying to, like, inch his way out of the photo.

[637] And Mom kept, like, coming back and plopping him back into the photo area.

[638] How old do we think he was?

[639] He was, like, eight or nine.

[640] Okay.

[641] He could fight back.

[642] Yep.

[643] And this is going on.

[644] It's getting worse.

[645] We're taking pictures, but she's looking at him and not liking them.

[646] So we're taking more pictures.

[647] photo approval gets to the point that she decides she'll be in the picture so that she can hold the one kid in place but because he's squirving so much it looks like she's like pinning him down in the photo and meanwhile he started to cry we see that a lot too we give him some tissues but he's you know getting worse and the mom's still looking at photos and he starts crying so hard that he gets a bloody nose and we don't notice it at first.

[648] Oh.

[649] And suddenly we're like, oh, he's got a blood nose.

[650] We're handing him tissues.

[651] But we realize that he's bleeding all over Santa's shack.

[652] It's all over the floors.

[653] We've run out of tissues and we find a roll of paper towels.

[654] So now we're giving him paper towels and we're cleaning up the blood from the floor all around Santa's chair.

[655] She's still picking photos trying to decide which one she likes.

[656] and finally decides on one.

[657] We get everyone cleaned up and shuttled away.

[658] And the next people in line are pretty forgiving because they're seeing these high schoolers trying to deal with this situation and understand the situation.

[659] Can I ask a real quick question about our Santa that year?

[660] In real life, how old was that Santa?

[661] How good was he at mitigating this stress?

[662] He was probably in his 60s and he'd done it for many, many years.

[663] and he sat there.

[664] He was over it.

[665] Anytime there was a problem, his job was to sit.

[666] Let the teen elves help.

[667] Did you get any sense that he might have been drinking on the job?

[668] That's kind of the stereotype of these Santas.

[669] Not necessarily, but he definitely didn't love the job.

[670] We'd also have to walk him back to the bathroom, and he'd often complain about all the people that he saw in that time, and he was not a happy Santa.

[671] Yeah, it's rough.

[672] You got to pee.

[673] You're in a hurry, but you're in the Santa outfit, So you can't just blow by all the kids, right?

[674] You've got some obligation to wave minimally.

[675] And then probably some parents are trying to pop off a free pitcher.

[676] Oh, great.

[677] We don't have to wait in line.

[678] Here he is.

[679] And what if a kid sees him in the bathroom, urinating?

[680] Yeah, sees Santa's penis.

[681] Urinal.

[682] Catches a glimpse of Santa's huge penis.

[683] But the worst part of all of this is all the people who didn't witness this situation.

[684] And they're coming up throughout the rest of the day.

[685] They're coming up and the trash can is right at the front of the line.

[686] So they're finally getting up to the front of the line.

[687] And you can see, they're all hyped up to see Santa.

[688] And you can just see the excitement drain from their face as they look into this trash can.

[689] And it's just chock full of bloody paper towels.

[690] Yeah.

[691] If they were not scared of Santa before, they were definitely scared after that scene, just bloody tissues in the trash next to Santa.

[692] What year did you say this was?

[693] Probably like 2002 or three.

[694] Okay, now there's currently a Hussimin Manage bit about this, which is, it's almost peculiar that this even exists still in the age of the cell phone.

[695] Like you're going to get this one photo from this one camera where you could just be up there pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, real quick.

[696] Yeah.

[697] But this would put borders around it, which, I mean, can you really beat a holiday border around your photo?

[698] Could never do that with your phone.

[699] No. Definitely can't.

[700] There's no way you could change it to sepia tone, black, black, why any single look you wanted with a border, that can't happen.

[701] Well, Paige.

[702] Thank you.

[703] Thank you so much for that story.

[704] I don't think I've ever talked to anyone that was involved in that industry.

[705] I like it.

[706] Thank you for lending your time to Santa.

[707] Someone's got to do it.

[708] I was a little disappointed I didn't have like an elf costume because when I read David Sedaris's Santaland Diaries, I did wish that I had a costume.

[709] But we just had like a bow tie and an apron.

[710] It was kind of boring.

[711] back and apron for the blood.

[712] It's forward facing.

[713] You're dealing with the public and you're in high school.

[714] So are you seeing boys you like from school?

[715] Is it a job you're embarrassed to have or it's like a party to be seen there?

[716] I was okay with it.

[717] Yeah, I remember my boyfriend stopping by at the time and being happy about it.

[718] In charge of Santa Shack, it was very important.

[719] Big responsibility.

[720] I did want to say before I go, my kids loved the fact.

[721] check when you had Delta and Lincoln on singing and telling fart jokes.

[722] And so just want to put it out there.

[723] If they want to start their own podcast, they've got two subscribers at our house.

[724] They made me play that about four or five different times to listen through.

[725] Was it Delta singing that song over and over again?

[726] My kids tried very hard.

[727] They were not good at it.

[728] Well, Paige, thank you so much.

[729] Merry Christmas to you and your kin.

[730] Thanks for we're sharing that story with us.

[731] Right back at you.

[732] It's so nice to meet you.

[733] Thank you.

[734] Okay.

[735] Dilling, ding, ding, ding.

[736] All right, Casey is ready.

[737] Dillee, lily, lily, Lee, lily, lily, Lid, Lee, Lid, Lid, Lid Lid Lid Lid Loo.

[738] Casey.

[739] Hello.

[740] Oh, we're seeing if we have a connection.

[741] You might have to break Monica's rule.

[742] Yeah, those says a closet might be.

[743] If the closet doesn't have good Wi -Fi, you're free to break.

[744] Her rule.

[745] Her closet looks cool.

[746] It was color.

[747] Did you see that?

[748] Well, I think it's a cedar closet to get rid of malls.

[749] Exactly.

[750] But no, the sweaters were organized by color.

[751] OCD, I bet she has a good memory.

[752] You don't do that?

[753] Well, I actually did do that for a while.

[754] It lasts for about two days, right?

[755] I try to keep it.

[756] Every time I do my clock, like once every three months, I finally address all the clothes on the ground.

[757] Yeah.

[758] Because I can shut the door.

[759] I've got a side out of mine.

[760] And then it's just gnawing at me. And then I do it.

[761] And it looks beautiful.

[762] And I go, I'm never.

[763] ever dropping something on the ground.

[764] It is.

[765] And you get a system going and then I look up it's two weeks later there's shit on the ground and nothing is where I'm like wait what stack was these oh huge improvement huge improvement even though I really liked your closet because it seemed like it was color coordinated organized by color no no this is way better I'm seeing you is that Bob Marley that is Bob Marley yes and is that Miles Davis lower left oh my God and Steve Ray Vaughan next to him?

[766] Okay, but you interrupted me about the color coordination.

[767] Was it color coordinated?

[768] It was color coordinated.

[769] That was my husband's golf closet in the basement.

[770] Oh, shit.

[771] I'm going to make a guess, okay?

[772] Okay.

[773] Your husband has an incredible memory.

[774] Oh, it's decent.

[775] Okay.

[776] That's a miss. I can accept that.

[777] Oh, I see.

[778] Led Zeppelin 2 up in the upper right -hand corner.

[779] Yep, yep.

[780] Who's the lovebirds?

[781] Is that Bob Dylan?

[782] What's that one next to Marley?

[783] Yeah, that's Bob Dylan.

[784] Are you impressed I'm nailing this?

[785] Yeah.

[786] Wow, I'm five for five, I think.

[787] Okay, that was a fun distraction.

[788] Casey, where are you in the world?

[789] Metro Detroit area.

[790] You are?

[791] Wait, what part of Metro Detroit?

[792] Livonia.

[793] Oh, my God.

[794] Papa Bob and Grandma, Stevenson, hi.

[795] Yeah, yeah, grew up in Traverse City, but in Livonia now.

[796] Oh, you went the wrong direction.

[797] People grew up in Livonia and hope to move to Trevor City.

[798] I know.

[799] I'm still trying to get back.

[800] Does your holiday nightmare story take place in Traverse City?

[801] No, it actually takes place downstate in Dearborn.

[802] Okay, great.

[803] I live there as well.

[804] So Dearborn, just so people know to set the scene, this is the home of Ford Motor Corporation, high contingency of Ford employees.

[805] There's definitely a gnarlier side of Dearborn where I lived on Michigan Avenue.

[806] They go hard on Christmas, too.

[807] You're going to get a lot of decorations out there in Dearborn.

[808] Ooh, I like that.

[809] Henry Ford Historic Homes District is where the house that this takes place is at.

[810] So very, you know, they do the whole Christmas decoration stuff.

[811] Ooh, cool.

[812] Well, can we add that?

[813] I know this won't interest anyone, but you have Henry Ford Village, which is this really cool compound.

[814] It's hundreds of acres, and it's all old -timey stuff.

[815] So you go there and they decorate in the old -fashioned way with candles and bags.

[816] You can see them work with wood and iron, and it's really neat.

[817] Cool.

[818] Okay.

[819] Please tell us about your holiday disaster.

[820] The ghost of Christmas pass that still haunts me. Yes.

[821] So this is Christmas of 2007.

[822] 15 years ago, I'm 27 years old.

[823] I have been dating my boyfriend for four months at this time.

[824] So this is our first Christmas together.

[825] His parents who live in Dearborn invited me to spend Christmas Day with him.

[826] I'm super excited about this because I'm super into him and I just want to impress the whole family.

[827] I've met them like a handful of times before this, but maybe just a few dinners and whatnot.

[828] Not anything where we've been together for like a really extended amount.

[829] on a time.

[830] So Christmas Day comes, we're at his house.

[831] They're loving me. I'm loving them.

[832] They love their gifts.

[833] I had made holiday cookies that they really liked.

[834] So, so far, we're winning.

[835] I almost feel like I have to give a disclosure, but I was on my period.

[836] So, Monica, I had my flies.

[837] Flies.

[838] Ding, ding, ding.

[839] Monica has got her flies right now.

[840] Oh, yes.

[841] I do have my flies right now.

[842] Yeah.

[843] They're everywhere.

[844] They're all over the attic right now.

[845] It's really not nice for flies to come on the holidays.

[846] Like, because you're already dealing with so much cooking.

[847] They're intruding, but they do it anyway.

[848] Unwelcome time.

[849] Especially this holiday.

[850] The flies were swarming.

[851] The flies were swarming.

[852] It was under control, but I did have to excuse myself from the festivities to, you know, take care of some lady business.

[853] Sure.

[854] So the bathroom is right down the hall.

[855] I know where this is going.

[856] I'm not going to say anything, but I know where this is I'm not going to.

[857] I don't.

[858] I will be surprised if you know where it's going.

[859] But, okay, I go down the hall.

[860] I go into the bathroom.

[861] The bathroom's, like, decorated, super cute for Christmas.

[862] There's the holiday hand soaps and there's like these little holiday decorated towels.

[863] And then hanging from the window are these white curtains that are like hand embroidered with Holly.

[864] Oh, no. Like doily type material?

[865] Almost like a linen.

[866] Beautiful.

[867] Yeah.

[868] So I am in the process of removing.

[869] ye old Christmas tampon when I realize that this thing is way overdue, it's exceeded max capacity and it has essentially turned into a blood -filled slingshot that ejects from my body and sprays blood all over the bathroom.

[870] No. Wonderful.

[871] There's an explosion of red spray.

[872] This is awesome.

[873] At least Christmas colors are red.

[874] It's a literal crime scene.

[875] Oh, no. The bathroom floor is covered in blood.

[876] The shower door is covering blood.

[877] But worst of all these, like, lily white, pristine curtains.

[878] Historic curtains.

[879] Now covered in blood.

[880] Oh.

[881] And not just blood.

[882] Fly blood is so bad.

[883] It's a darker blood, the fly blood, right?

[884] Well, it depends on the day.

[885] You know what it makes me think of is, have you ever seen in the movies when they put the die pack in one of the stacks of hundreds and the bank robbers?

[886] bag and they get away from the bank and then it explodes blue paint everywhere.

[887] That to me is like, sounds like a die pack went off in the bathroom.

[888] Yeah.

[889] Can I ask some mechanical questions that may embarrass you?

[890] And if it does, just tell me you don't want to answer.

[891] Yeah.

[892] Were you seated on the toilet when you removed or were you standing?

[893] Were you bending over work?

[894] What was your body position?

[895] Right.

[896] So this would have been better if I was seated, but I'm in like a hover squat pulling it out.

[897] And, you know, if I'd gone directly in the toilet, we probably would have been okay.

[898] But no, that was not happening.

[899] Kind of like uncork in a champagne bottle.

[900] Yeah, yeah.

[901] To this day, I've never had anything like a tap and sent that.

[902] Wow.

[903] So what happens?

[904] What do you start thinking now?

[905] Yeah, the place is spattered in blood.

[906] And what now?

[907] I'm considering my options at this point.

[908] Option one.

[909] Have you ever wanted to flush yourself down the toilet?

[910] Because that's all I wanted to do at this point.

[911] But that's clearly not an option.

[912] Jumping from a window is in an option.

[913] It's too high off the ground.

[914] I considered just tearing them down and stuffing them in the garbage can.

[915] Of course.

[916] The option I considered for the longest time was taking down the curtains and maybe like shoving them in my clothes and then going out to the kitchen where my purse was and shoving them into my purse.

[917] Yeah.

[918] This sounds reasonable.

[919] I'm sconding into the night with the evidence.

[920] Make them vanish.

[921] No murder weapon, no murder.

[922] So, head, you cleaned up the stuff you could clean up.

[923] Right.

[924] So the leaving with the curtains option wasn't good.

[925] I decided I'm really just going to have to clean.

[926] There is no way out of this but through.

[927] So I cleaned up what I could clean up.

[928] And, you know, David Ferrier would be happy to know there's no curtain.

[929] It's a shower door.

[930] Don't give him any more reason to be right.

[931] Yeah.

[932] Maybe I'll let his mother know because girl to girl, hopefully it's cool.

[933] She comes in, and I'm standing in front of her, so she can't see behind me at this point to the carnage.

[934] And I'm just like, have you ever experienced, I don't know where, like, you have a saturated tampon and you pull it out?

[935] And it just like ejects blood everywhere.

[936] And she's kind of got this look on her face.

[937] And I'm like, well, that happened to your curtains.

[938] And oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

[939] So God bless her.

[940] She laughed instantly.

[941] She thought it was like hysterical.

[942] She said, don't worry, this will stay between us.

[943] I will take care of everything.

[944] Oh, darling, I've ruined so many curtains.

[945] Yeah, it remained a secret between us for many years.

[946] So that's my holiday nightmare story.

[947] Wow.

[948] Oh, my God.

[949] So did she just immediately remove the curtains from the rod and then take them to the laundry, I guess?

[950] I think she threw them in the garbage.

[951] No, they sound like heirlooms.

[952] Blood's hard to get out.

[953] Yeah.

[954] This is a refab option.

[955] dyed them red for the holidays.

[956] Red linen.

[957] It is a Christmas color, so you could get away with it, perhaps.

[958] Yeah.

[959] Are you still with this person?

[960] Yeah, he's actually right here.

[961] He's my husband now of 12 years.

[962] He wanted to say hello.

[963] Oh, my God, hello.

[964] Did she tell you immediately?

[965] No, 13 years probably.

[966] I'd heard the story for the first time, like two years ago.

[967] Wow.

[968] So your mother is very trustworthy.

[969] Yes.

[970] Yes, yes, she is.

[971] She's a vault.

[972] I'm happy she became your mother -in -law.

[973] She earned that.

[974] She's amazing.

[975] She also gives, like, amazing Christmas presents, too.

[976] Oh, wow.

[977] What a keeper.

[978] You guys, it's so nice to meet you.

[979] And what a wonderful crime scene.

[980] What a wonderful horrible story.

[981] Christmas horror story.

[982] This is the unauthorized evacuation story I've been dying to share with you guys.

[983] That is an unauthorized evacuation.

[984] I like that twist.

[985] It was pretty difficult to share, but I'm hoping to remove.

[986] of some of the period stigma.

[987] Yes, I like this.

[988] Remember, we had one other period, Armchair Anonymous.

[989] It was a sex story, though.

[990] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[991] Very hot, that story.

[992] It was hot.

[993] It was unexpectedly hot.

[994] So I think we are rebranding the flies, for sure, because I think we all left like, oh, that sounds like a party.

[995] Heavy flow and some ecstasy, let's get wild.

[996] So nice meeting you.

[997] Happy holidays to you, and thanks for sharing that wonderful story.

[998] So nice meeting you guys.

[999] Okay, be well.

[1000] Happy holidays.

[1001] It's so mirrored one of the unauthorized evacuation poop stories.

[1002] The Thanksgiving one.

[1003] Or that she clogged the toilet and it came on the floor.

[1004] Like just being in a bathroom, you've destroyed, and you've made a visual mess with your body.

[1005] Poop is really bad, too.

[1006] But period, people are just disgusted by it.

[1007] You think because of all the blood.

[1008] And the unborn eggs that are in there.

[1009] Yeah, and the uteral sheath that is being expelled.

[1010] The lining.

[1011] Uterine lining.

[1012] I think it's just the blood.

[1013] I don't think anyone cares about the eggs.

[1014] No, because if you would cut your...

[1015] There's eggs everywhere all over the floor.

[1016] That's not true, Rob.

[1017] No, because if somebody, and I was going to suggest that she had done this, cut herself.

[1018] Oh, slice yourself real quick.

[1019] accidentally fell and cut my...

[1020] Yes, I accidentally fell, and I bled, I'm so sorry.

[1021] You wouldn't be as grossed out as the period blood.

[1022] Yeah, the period blood doesn't bother me at all, but I agree with you probably, generally speaking, people prefer.

[1023] Yeah, Rob, don't act like.

[1024] I believe that people are grossed out by period of blood, but I don't think it's because they're like, oh, there's eggs in it.

[1025] I think that is why maybe they don't have the words to put to it.

[1026] No, I'll tell you exactly what it is.

[1027] What?

[1028] The blood erupting from an artery, an arterial gash, is so fresh.

[1029] There's something about the fact that the blood has been on the tampon for some untold many hours, and it's kind of turned to brown.

[1030] Ew.

[1031] Right?

[1032] You just almost threw up.

[1033] That's the distinction.

[1034] Now, mind you, it doesn't bother me, but it's a turn to blood.

[1035] Okay, but forget about this.

[1036] Stop saying turn.

[1037] Forget about this specific example.

[1038] But even if, let's say, I was in your bath or not yours, because, yeah, you're.

[1039] You don't care, but somebody's bathroom, and I didn't have a tampon in.

[1040] Like, I had period underwear, and I pulled my underwear down, and then I bled.

[1041] That's fresh.

[1042] That is nice, yeah.

[1043] But people still wouldn't like it because it's coming from a woman's vagina.

[1044] I prefer that than it come from anywhere else.

[1045] I know.

[1046] Stop saying you because pretend you're most men.

[1047] I know.

[1048] I know.

[1049] Not even men, people.

[1050] But I have to imagine if given the choice between destroying a bathroom from your period versus your butthole, you would way prefer your period.

[1051] Actually, yeah.

[1052] Right?

[1053] To pull mom in there, if you got to pull your mother -in -law in there and go like, oh, my God, period.

[1054] Versus, oh, my God, I shit all over the seat and the floor on it.

[1055] You way prefer the period.

[1056] Yeah, I would.

[1057] There's a sisterhood there.

[1058] The other thing is just like you're a fucking animal.

[1059] You're a monster.

[1060] You treated my bathroom like a grizzly bear would, like a baby treats a diaper.

[1061] These lady mishaps are innately endearing.

[1062] Yeah, I have a friend who, her friend, do you know about diva cups?

[1063] I think I do.

[1064] It's a little cup that gathers the blood.

[1065] Exactly.

[1066] You insert it.

[1067] That seems like so ripe for spillage.

[1068] Exactly.

[1069] That's what Natalie uses.

[1070] Oh.

[1071] No, a lot of people use it.

[1072] It's supposed to be better for your body.

[1073] Yeah, and recycle.

[1074] exactly so I know I didn't pick it of all the areas to address in your life that are carbon footprinty I just think does that the one you got to focus on?

[1075] A lot of people also though it's not good for you to have cotton and stuff in in your body anyway the cup gathers the blood then you like remove it and like how does it not spill at that point?

[1076] Yeah it's a lot of handling but anyway my friend sorry just I need it now the tampon conveniently has the nice little string that's hanging out between the majora and the cup i'm assuming you've got to dig it's got a little nub i think that you're pulling still you've got to get multiple fingers in there in deep i think yes i do think so i've never used one so i'm not positive to get it up there i think you've to like squish it tiny shove it up and then you're going to mine it out i guess anyway my friend's friend was on the dance floor on her period with a diva cup and I guess it got too full or something and she dropped it like it was hot hold on it dropped out of her vaginal canal yeah but wasn't she wearing undergarments unmentable's fairly that ah that's a great question yeah how the fuck did it get through her undergarments I maybe she wasn't wearing good for her right she's on her period with a little cup in her vagina and she's dancing her ass off no undies I want to meet this we're going to out on the dance floor on the dance floor blood and this cup and this cup's bouncing around yeah what is the diameter of the cup i'm not sure i'm picturing a shot glass yeah they're like little shot glass oh my god do you think anyone like thought it was like a shooter bloody Mary yeah yeah like a bloody Mary shooter anyway isn't that horrifying though i think it's awesome slipping on it i guess i wasn't there again I'm not trying to be cool I'm just saying I live for stuff like this like all these different experiences on a dance floor can just blur into one another they're not all that unique you're hearing the same 12 songs everyone plays when you're dancing but to have that cup fallout and rattle around the floor and people are slipping and sliding now in blood that is an experience that's something to remember it is I love Christmas oh I love it too we really put a stinky spin on it we could have done something much nicer no I like it that's what we do yeah Mine are all great.

[1077] You know, whatever things we wrestled with as a family, Laura always nailed the landing on Christmas.

[1078] I told you she'd go into deep debt.

[1079] We live so Spartan all year long, and then she fucking opened the floodgates on Christmas.

[1080] We always got what we wanted.

[1081] So many fun toys playing.

[1082] She's a Christmas queen.

[1083] We'd stay in that bubble of heightened reality for as long as possible, and I thank her for it.

[1084] That's really nice.

[1085] All right.

[1086] Love you.

[1087] Merry Christmas.

[1088] Love you.

[1089] Merry Christmas.

[1090] Happy holidays.

[1091] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1092] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[1093] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

[1094] On the fly a rhyme dish.

[1095] On the flyer rindish.

[1096] Enjoy.

[1097] Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1098] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts.

[1099] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.