Mila Kunis

[0] My name is Mila Kunis, and I feel indifferent about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] What the hell?

[2] Indifference?

[3] Well, okay.

[4] I've known you a long time.

[5] I feel bucky.

[6] I feel privileged.

[7] That's the opposite of indifference.

[8] Fall is here.

[9] Hear the yell.

[10] Back to school.

[11] Ring the bell.

[12] Brand new shoes.

[13] Walking loose.

[14] Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend This is my podcast because the TV show wasn't enough And it started out as a lark And I absolutely love it It's really fun having a blast And of course, joined by my good friends The stalwart Sonam of Sessian Hey Sona Hi, how are you?

[15] I'm doing great.

[16] Your posture isn't great.

[17] You're sort of slumping over.

[18] I'm comfortable like this.

[19] Also, you have your, you're leaning your chin.

[20] You mean you to lean your chin on your fist, but the fist was kind of going into your mouth and you're on Mike.

[21] So you're not changing anything at all.

[22] No, I'm not.

[23] Did you say this to make me change it?

[24] I was trying to give you helpful advice.

[25] I don't like listening to you.

[26] Kind of a father figure, if you will.

[27] God, no. And then also Matt Goreley, I call him Gorley.

[28] How are you, Matt?

[29] I'm good.

[30] How are you?

[31] Welcome back.

[32] Thank you.

[33] That's right.

[34] I was away.

[35] You were in Ghana.

[36] I was in Ghana.

[37] We shot a travel special there, and it was fantastic.

[38] What did you do while I was away?

[39] I just lived in peace for the first time in my life for a few months.

[40] Really?

[41] Yeah.

[42] You mean just because I was gone?

[43] Yeah, just like the stress load was off.

[44] Oh, come on, what are you talking about?

[45] I think you thrive on this connection.

[46] I make you better.

[47] I'm like a Michael Jordan who raises your game, but Michael Jordan now, who hasn't played basketball in a long time.

[48] And wears Haynes T -shirts and a Hitler mustache?

[49] He has a T -shirts.

[50] Yeah, and a Hitler mustache, and apparently bets very heavily.

[51] So I'm that, Michael Jordan.

[52] No, we complete each other, and don't answer that.

[53] Okay.

[54] Wait, you have a beer?

[55] Yeah.

[56] Why are you drinking a beer?

[57] It's Friday.

[58] Yeah, but it's not even 2 o 'clock in the afternoon.

[59] I don't know, we finished the interview.

[60] It's, you know, Sona's like relaxing.

[61] I'm having a beer.

[62] What are you talking about?

[63] I go for a swim later.

[64] Yeah.

[65] Who cares?

[66] Yeah.

[67] Don't want to get with it, old man. Don't be a dork.

[68] Yeah, nerd.

[69] Wow, to be taunted by you too.

[70] is hysterical, especially goarly.

[71] I bet you'd reach into your back pocket for a switchblade, but you'd...

[72] Could be a comb, the switchblade?

[73] No, no, no, it would be...

[74] It would be a vintage comb, an ironic vintage comb.

[75] What's an ironic comb?

[76] I don't know.

[77] Probably a comb with, like, no teeth in it, because...

[78] Isn't it funny?

[79] And it used to belong to, like, you know, a Secretary of State in 1902.

[80] You got it online.

[81] Yeah, that's about that.

[82] So, yeah, you're a threatening chap.

[83] So, no, seriously, get your hand away from your chin.

[84] No. Oh, God.

[85] Oh, I like this.

[86] It's comfortable.

[87] Will you like this as a teenager?

[88] Yes.

[89] Okay.

[90] I was.

[91] So you never grew out of this phase?

[92] No, I was always in detention because I had trouble with authority.

[93] Yeah.

[94] I've noticed you have trouble with authority.

[95] Yeah.

[96] I am the authority around here, and you and I always have trouble with each other.

[97] Mm -hmm.

[98] Yeah.

[99] Okay.

[100] That's cool.

[101] I'm sorry.

[102] Are you high?

[103] No, I'm not.

[104] Do you wish you were?

[105] Yeah, of course.

[106] Of course.

[107] I wish I always was at work.

[108] It makes it so much better.

[109] Am I the only one here with a work ethic?

[110] I guess.

[111] I'm sitting here drinking water.

[112] You can be...

[113] And you are drinking Pacifico?

[114] Mm -hmm.

[115] Okay, beer.

[116] Yeah.

[117] And Sona here is pining away for a sweet edible.

[118] Yeah.

[119] A sweet, chewy marijuana high.

[120] You can be unpleasant sometimes.

[121] Not true.

[122] No, it is nice to numb it.

[123] Not true.

[124] I was at jury duty for two weeks, and I miss it.

[125] You miss jury duty?

[126] I do.

[127] So, wait, I was in Ghana, and Matt Gourley described it as the best time he's had in months while I was away, and you are pining for jury duty.

[128] I was on a trial for two weeks, and I miss it.

[129] How are you allowed to be on a jury?

[130] I'm a great juror.

[131] Yeah, but you have to be a citizen of the United States.

[132] Oh, come on.

[133] I am a citizen.

[134] Sona.

[135] I was born here, I'm a citizen.

[136] This bit, it went nowhere because it doesn't make any sense.

[137] I was born here.

[138] Who's on today?

[139] You're anxious to change the conversation.

[140] Who do you have?

[141] You're out of it.

[142] You're both out of it.

[143] Who are you going to make friends with today?

[144] I am raring to go.

[145] I've been to Ghana and I've come back and I'm raring to go hitting on all cylinders and I look over at you two goofballs.

[146] You're sucking on a servesa, having a good time.

[147] You got a tan.

[148] Yeah, man. Where'd you get your tan, man?

[149] Backyard.

[150] Oh, yeah.

[151] Backyard.

[152] I bet that's code for something, right?

[153] No. Yeah, code for the yard that's not in the front of my house.

[154] Right, in the back.

[155] You're in the old backyard.

[156] What about you, Sona?

[157] What?

[158] Nothing.

[159] What an uninspiring team.

[160] Okay.

[161] I want to mention something really quickly, and you're going to have to help me with this gawrly if you can sober up.

[162] Coming up, we have a real treat.

[163] A special edition of this.

[164] podcast.

[165] It's going to be coming up called Deep Dive with Dana Carvey.

[166] Six episodes where Dana and I just riff and behave like fools.

[167] And man, is he funny?

[168] Oh, you guys are both.

[169] It's a dull.

[170] No, no, it's, I'll give it to Dana.

[171] Okay, I'll take it.

[172] It's, uh, it's really Dana being absolutely hilarious.

[173] And, uh, you don't want to miss these.

[174] These are slightly shorter episodes, but they're packed with chuckles, guffas, laughs, and hearty, harhors.

[175] and that's a guarantee, deep dive with Dana Carvey.

[176] When do those rollout?

[177] Well, this will bridge the gap between the two seasons of Conan O 'Brien Needs of Friends.

[178] So I guess it's official.

[179] We're coming back.

[180] We're doing another season.

[181] Yeah, that's exciting.

[182] If you've enjoyed this, we're coming back for more.

[183] If you haven't enjoyed it, ha, ha.

[184] Your life's getting worse.

[185] So these will come out for free between the seasons of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[186] But if you want them right now, you can get a free month of St. Stitcher Premium.

[187] Sign up at Stitcher Premium .com and use promo code Conan and hear all six episodes.

[188] Otherwise, the free ones will be out on August 5th, and they'll come out once a week for six weeks and lead you right up to season two of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[189] Yeah.

[190] And check those.

[191] The ones with, I'm really proud of the ones I got to do with Dana Carvey.

[192] He is a national treasure, and he really makes me laugh.

[193] And I think you'll have fun checking him out.

[194] Okay, so onward.

[195] Today's guest, I'm really happy.

[196] Today's guest is a very talented actress.

[197] I've gotten to interview many times over the years.

[198] You know her from that 70s show, Black Swan, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

[199] She's also voiced Meg for 17 seasons, a family guy.

[200] I'm very excited to talk to her.

[201] She's a very special person, Mila Kunis.

[202] Hey, Mila.

[203] Thank you so much for being here.

[204] Yeah, for sure.

[205] I say this quite honestly.

[206] I've loved you for a long time.

[207] You're just a real person, and I don't get to meet that many real people.

[208] in show business.

[209] I mean that.

[210] Thank you.

[211] From, I think one of the first time, first time I met you, you were a kid when you came on my show.

[212] You were, and you seemed like a child to me. And then you started talking, and I thought, well, she's on this show, that 70s show, and she's an actress, and she's very young.

[213] So there's certain things that you might expect, like you live, I thought, there's a lot of people that live in a bubble.

[214] You know what I mean?

[215] They live in a bubble.

[216] and I've experienced it firsthand, and they don't have much life experience.

[217] And I started talking to you, and you had the wisdom of like an old Ukrainian fisherman, you know?

[218] It just was like blown away by how street smart you were, how frugal you were.

[219] You told me that your parents got mad at you about something and they took your right to drive your car away.

[220] So you were taking the bus to tapings of that 70s show.

[221] And I thought, this is, first of all, God bless your parents, but second of all, this is great.

[222] Yeah.

[223] This is fantastic.

[224] I have really cool parents.

[225] I mean, hindsight, 2020, they're awesome.

[226] But when you're, you know, 16, 17, well, maybe let's say 15, 16, and I was on 70 show, and I didn't have a license at the time.

[227] My mom had to pick me up from work, and I was still going to public school.

[228] And she worked at Rite Aid on Laurel Canyon and Victory.

[229] And so she would drive down to CBS at Pigme Up after rehearsals at like, and then take me back to work with her until she closed the store at 10 p .m. And I had to do ice cream and do your photos.

[230] I had like a whole other job because I had no choice.

[231] And I was like, this is bullshit.

[232] Like, I work.

[233] I, what am I do?

[234] So, like, I literally, like, had no choice.

[235] I lived in, but it's a different world.

[236] I bet today my parents would have been like, well, just Uber home.

[237] But that didn't exist.

[238] But that's not even the point.

[239] The point to me is more most kids.

[240] your age when they landed a major sitcom job, you know what I mean?

[241] Role, it's a matter of weeks before they're online ordering like a Bentley, you know, or something they can't afford.

[242] No, you know what I mean?

[243] I mean, if you're an immigrant, you have a very different mentality.

[244] I really do attest to the fact that, like, I'm not first generation.

[245] My kids are first generation.

[246] Right.

[247] Because I am an immigrant, I think that that creates a different perspective on what the value of a dollar is and what.

[248] hard work is.

[249] I really do from like, you know, ground up.

[250] I think, I think, I mean, you've talked about that sona.

[251] You've talked about how I'm always convincing people that you are an immigrant.

[252] I'm not.

[253] My parents are and I know exactly, I am first generation.

[254] So I'm your parents.

[255] Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

[256] And you totally get that.

[257] And you always had jobs and you're extremely practical and you're always, your brother's always giving you a hard time if you spend like your brother.

[258] Sure, to a fault almost.

[259] Like there's a happy medium and I'm, and it took me, like I, I say this, yes, there's extremes to both situations, but I was such an extreme, like, I'm going to be broke tomorrow.

[260] I'm not going to have a job.

[261] Like, you know, I was such a, I was always living my life so much so cautiously that it took me the longest time.

[262] And it didn't happen until I married my husband that he was like, we're going to be okay.

[263] And I was like, but we can't, we can't buy this house.

[264] And he was like, what are you talking about?

[265] Like, he's like, I promise you we can do this.

[266] And I, to this day, have this weird sense of like, well, what?

[267] You don't need to buy that plastic bottle.

[268] We have plenty of water in the sink, and we pay very good money to have it clean.

[269] So get a glass bottle, and you're fine.

[270] Like, I, it's just the way that, and it's not necessarily healthy.

[271] So I think there's a balance to it that I'm finding.

[272] There's a kind of neuroses that comes with.

[273] Possibly.

[274] You know, it's interesting because.

[275] Well, wastefulness.

[276] It has to do with being not wasteful.

[277] I think if you, like, pinpoint it.

[278] Like, I've had a very hard time being wasteful, whether it's with, like, food.

[279] Yep.

[280] Or, not to get woo, but like, you know, Earth.

[281] Like, I'm like, what do we do?

[282] We're such wasteful humans.

[283] Like, we don't need to do this to ourselves.

[284] But that's admirable.

[285] I really do think, I know you're saying there's a happy medium.

[286] I do think there's definitely something that comes from not being a citizen of the United States when you're born coming here.

[287] And you have a different perspective.

[288] Famously, Bob Hope, you know, like the sort of master of ceremony.

[289] his comedian of the 20th century, he was incredibly frugal, and he was the richest landowner in California.

[290] Yeah.

[291] But when he was in his late 80s, I know from people firsthand who were in his life would say, oh, I was with him at a Carl's Jr. today, and he had his, I took him there, and he had his certificates to get 20 % off his Carl's Jr. Burger.

[292] He's one of the richest men in the history of American Entertainment, and he's got his coupon, and he's 88 years old, and you want to say, Bob Hope, what's the issue?

[293] Well, anyone who's done, you know, when I started reading up about Bob Hope, he was born to a very poor Stonecutter's family in Wales.

[294] Yeah.

[295] He didn't come from the United States.

[296] They moved here, and he was desperately poor when he was a kid.

[297] He never forgot that.

[298] It was always, yeah, okay, I have a billion dollars, and I own most of California.

[299] But I've got this, I can get 20 % off my car, Charles Jr. Burger, and I'm not going to screw with that.

[300] I'm a big supporter of Groupon.

[301] I have walked into restaurants with a Groupon.

[302] Right.

[303] I use it all the time.

[304] Do you ever get any attitude?

[305] All the time.

[306] All the time.

[307] Why is Milakunis?

[308] They're like, really?

[309] And I was like, yes.

[310] So if I check in, do I still get my 10 % off on this bikini wax?

[311] Like, what I, absolutely.

[312] Like, I love shopping online because I don't get out very much.

[313] So I love, I'm a very good online shopper.

[314] I'm also a really great, like, promo coder.

[315] Like, I will find promo codes for everything.

[316] We're building a house right now.

[317] Right.

[318] But I will sometimes, like, our designer will send me, like, these are the chairs that we need.

[319] And I was like, but do we really?

[320] Because these seem a little overpriced.

[321] And I will then go online at, like, two in the morning and find, like, coupon codes for similar looking chairs and send it back and be like, but what about these?

[322] And she was like, no, no, we're not.

[323] So I'm still doing this.

[324] It's not, it's like a...

[325] Those are made of tinfoil.

[326] They don't know who made them in Taiwan.

[327] They won't support your weight.

[328] You know, you told me this story once about how when you were, you were, you had all these money -making schemes when you were a kid.

[329] And while you were on the 70 show, you were still up to some of your money -making schemes.

[330] Yes.

[331] One of them involved T -shirts, and it was hilarious.

[332] I remember to this day.

[333] Tell me about that.

[334] Okay.

[335] Well, there's an end to that story, because I think I talked about it on your show, and then I got a video message from the backstreet boys of wanting their 10 % off of the T -Serts.

[336] Let's take it back from the beginning, because let's just assume that no one saw that episode.

[337] Take it from the beginning.

[338] Okay, so I grew up in L .A. So there's a reason for this.

[339] I'm not a transplant, right?

[340] I came here when I was like 7, 8, and I've lived here my whole life.

[341] So my girlfriends, who are still my friends to this day, I met when I was in second grade and so forth.

[342] I have a friend, her name is Julie, she's still my girlfriend, and we're super close, and we've been friends since we were, like, eight or nine.

[343] And she's, like, she's, if there's Lucy and Ethel, she's, she's Lucy and I'm Ethel.

[344] Like, she gets me into trouble all the time.

[345] Like, she has these schemes where I'm like, all right, I guess I'm along for the ride.

[346] So when we were in, you know, I mean, there are so many things.

[347] I guess I can talk about it now.

[348] It doesn't matter.

[349] But, okay, so there used to be a mall called Beverly Center.

[350] and she used to be the manager at a store called Natural Wonder.

[351] It's out of business.

[352] It's the only reason I can talk about it.

[353] And it's a real store.

[354] And she would make me come in because she didn't want to be there by herself on, like, Christmas, like that three weeks of, like, Christmas shoppers and make me, quote, work there so that she would have a friend.

[355] So I would put on, like, a brown apron and stand in the front of the store and be like, would you guys like the moon rocks?

[356] Totally.

[357] Everything's illegal about this.

[358] Yeah, everything's illegal.

[359] You're not an employee.

[360] Nope.

[361] Nope.

[362] Nope.

[363] And I would like ring the register and, like, bum around.

[364] the store.

[365] That's my friend.

[366] So, prior to her having the job in Airtful Wonder, it might have been during, is when eBay popped up.

[367] Like, eBay became kind of what it just started out becoming like, wait, you can sell items on eBay.

[368] And so we would go to downtown L .A. and buy, you know, whatever, for $2, like stacks of white t -shirts, white beaters, and print out on iron paper what was popular back then, which was Backstreet Boys, which was the number one selling t -shirt or like if it was christmas we'll do any logo for you or in sync or whatever was pop culture relevant or anything we wanted for us to to print out on iron ons right and we would iron that on and send it off through ebay and um and we became really popular so wait you had no approval zero and you had no legal right is illegal yes all of this was illegal 100 % like nothing about this was okay and mind you we didn't do drugs so we were It's just sober, having fun, little girls giggling, like, iron things on while I was on 70's show.

[369] Yes, that's the point.

[370] You're, you are a major, you're an actress in like this big hit sitcom, this ensemble sitcom.

[371] Correct.

[372] And at the same time, you are making illegal bootleg, backstreet boys, and in sync t -shirts and selling them through the mail.

[373] We put a dog on it.

[374] You know, we didn't judge.

[375] This is male fraud.

[376] This is every kind of fraud.

[377] Yes.

[378] And yes.

[379] This was so bad.

[380] But we, at 14, 15, your moral compass is like, you're like, no, no, no, no, this is not very illegal.

[381] It's very illegal.

[382] Yeah.

[383] But then after I talked about it on your show, AJ from Baxter Boys goes to school.

[384] His daughter goes to school with my best friend's little girl.

[385] And so one led to another and a sudden I had a video of like, give me my money.

[386] Which was very funny.

[387] AJ wants his money back.

[388] And I was like, oh, thank God they have a sense of humor.

[389] I think there's...

[390] I mean, we were so stupid, Conan, I can't even tell you the dumb things that we did.

[391] They were all fine.

[392] Well, I think you should.

[393] I think you should tell us more.

[394] Because you're bored, you're bored.

[395] And we were so safely bored.

[396] Like, we were those kids that were, we weren't self -destructive.

[397] Do you know what I mean?

[398] Like, we were 16, but we were still like, like, nice, happy -go -lucky girls.

[399] At one point, Julie had a call.

[400] Well, so I had a Ford Explorer.

[401] It was my first car.

[402] And Julie had a, oh, my God, it was like a hundred years old.

[403] It was like a Toyota CRV, but I swear it wasn't.

[404] It was some version of that, but also had like 250 ,000 miles on that.

[405] It was really beat up.

[406] It was like so bad.

[407] And so we decided we were, this is not even that funny to anyone other than me reimagining it.

[408] Okay, so we're on Hollywood Boulevard.

[409] So you can imagine Hollywood.

[410] And this is where she used to live is like Hollywood and like Fuller.

[411] And we looked at each other and we're like, what do you want to do this afternoon?

[412] What do you want to do?

[413] Let's just run our cars into each other and see what happens.

[414] Wait, wait.

[415] That is funny.

[416] Wait.

[417] Wait.

[418] No, no, this isn't.

[419] I know that you had us all prepared like, well, this is probably only funny to me. No, no, no. This isn't just funny.

[420] It's terrifying and wrong.

[421] Stupid.

[422] I've never talked about this.

[423] You took both of your cars.

[424] So she's in her car.

[425] You're in your car.

[426] Wait, uh -oh, there's more.

[427] Wait a minute, I'm getting, you're laughing too hard, you can't speak.

[428] We were both in my car.

[429] We decided just to take my car first.

[430] You just...

[431] Just had her car.

[432] So, her car's parked.

[433] She's crying.

[434] She's crying.

[435] You're Milakunis is crying and can't control herself.

[436] Because this is so stupid.

[437] I know.

[438] Who does?

[439] I would never do that today.

[440] Oh, you don't think?

[441] You don't think you would?

[442] Hey, kids, let me strap the kids into the safety seats and then we'll go smashing into some cars.

[443] Mommy, why?

[444] Oh, come on.

[445] I did this when I was a kid and you'll do it when you're older.

[446] So wait, so her car's parked.

[447] And you're both in your car.

[448] What kind of, how many miles per hour are we talking?

[449] Not that fast.

[450] 10, 15 miles an hour?

[451] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[452] Okay.

[453] Like under, 10, 15 under.

[454] Okay.

[455] And then, so I hit her car.

[456] and they were like her mascara is running down is mascara's running your tears are coming down I'm not lying right Sona verified it seems like she's recounting a tragedy right I feel like everyone's crying well okay then she took her car and reversed it my car for no reason I'll never understand why we did this guys it'll never make any sense to me. Oh, my God.

[457] Okay.

[458] I love how, first of all, correct me if I'm wrong, but you said, no, look, we're, you know, we didn't do drugs, so it was innocent kind of fun.

[459] No. No, this story only makes sense if you're on drugs.

[460] I know, I'm telling you.

[461] And you went out of your way to tell us, no. We were super sober.

[462] This is like, we didn't do, oh my God, I know, so stupid.

[463] I wish Julie was here because she would be dying.

[464] Who, mind you, she's really respected as a PhD.

[465] Yeah, in physics.

[466] That inspire her to become, when an object strikes another object at 15 miles an hour.

[467] This is the problem.

[468] She's a, like a...

[469] She's a PhD from UCLA.

[470] Oh, my God, that's the greatest thing.

[471] Oh, my God, so tough.

[472] This is the greatest moment.

[473] I mean, we've had a lot of great moments.

[474] How many of these podcasts have we done now?

[475] This is 33.

[476] Okay, I might have to give this one the award for just absolute greatest moment.

[477] Oh, my God.

[478] Wow.

[479] Oh, my God.

[480] That's fantastic.

[481] So ridiculous.

[482] So stupid.

[483] Okay, anyways.

[484] I can think of so many of them, but let's move on.

[485] Okay, if another one occurs to you, I want you to tell it.

[486] Because I think these are therapeutic for you, and they're solid gold for me. So it happens when you grow up in L .A. You're just, you're like...

[487] No. No. No. No. Yeah, I grew up in L .A. I never...

[488] Yeah, no, no. Many people have grown up in L .A. and don't have stories like this.

[489] Oh, so stupid.

[490] On Hollywood, not off of, not off of, not looking a small street guys on a very busy street.

[491] Sure.

[492] Why?

[493] Why?

[494] I don't know.

[495] I don't know.

[496] If anyone knows why out there, please contact us.

[497] I think that's a fair question to ask people.

[498] If anyone understands.

[499] I was supposed to call in and people would just call in.

[500] Well, yeah, people will contact us.

[501] And also, what happened?

[502] Like, are the cars, were they okay?

[503] Oh, I'll tell you what happened.

[504] So nothing happened to mine, but her license plate fell off.

[505] And then we had to be like, well, how do we, what do we say about this?

[506] So we had to throw it in the trunk.

[507] And then her mom was like, well, what happened to your license plate?

[508] And Julia goes, I don't know.

[509] Someone hit me. That was it?

[510] You never talked about it again?

[511] So that would be insurance fraud.

[512] Let's take a quick break because we're going to do some ads, but we'll be right back.

[513] Oh, yeah, ads are important because ads, you know, give you money.

[514] Yeah.

[515] And also there are, also, we have a bunch of people.

[516] And you know what?

[517] There are promo codes with each.

[518] Oh, that's what I like.

[519] So pay attention, pay attention.

[520] Like write Conan in the promo code and you get 20 % off.

[521] It's always Conan.

[522] And if you ever want to have a picture of yours printed on glass instead of paper, have I got the company for you?

[523] It's called fracture.

[524] And I can get you 20 % off a fracture print.

[525] Well, that's when you get 20 % off.

[526] Oh, do you have come to the right guy.

[527] Let's say Ashton wants to manscape.

[528] And that's not my business, but I said I have observed you guys from a far with a very powerful lens and he could do some cleaning up down there.

[529] What company is this?

[530] Oh, what company is that?

[531] Gourley?

[532] Manscape.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I think it's just called Manscape.

[535] There you go.

[536] I just wanted to make sure he was still paying attention.

[537] Manscaped.

[538] Manscaped.

[539] Oh, manscates.

[540] Pantsetts tense.

[541] And they wax your balls?

[542] No, no, no. Well, please, let's keep this clean.

[543] This is primarily a podcast for children.

[544] They shave your balls.

[545] No, no. It's no, excuse me. No, no, that's not.

[546] right either.

[547] They send you the equipment so you do it yourself.

[548] Do what yourself?

[549] You manicure things down below.

[550] You shave your balls yourself.

[551] But why do you need equipment?

[552] As opposed to?

[553] What do you need like a saw?

[554] Like what do you mean?

[555] What's down there for you, Conan, that you need equipment or Oh, you don't want to get into, mine is a thick, dense Well, excuse me, hello!

[556] Imagine copper, a copper brillo brush.

[557] With tingees of gray.

[558] Oh, do we go too far?

[559] Okay.

[560] We're back from commercial, aren't we?

[561] Oh, we didn't even go yet.

[562] And we're gone.

[563] And we're back.

[564] I'm glad we got out of there because I think when we left off, I was describing a copper brilopad in my nether regions.

[565] Let's move on to better areas.

[566] Because I want better for you, for your children.

[567] You worked with Ashton for a long time, and you were platonic friends.

[568] Super platonic friends.

[569] Like super platonic.

[570] It never occurred to you.

[571] Oh, this will be the person I marry.

[572] No. Like the opposite.

[573] I love biology, but I hate chemistry.

[574] Aston was a chemistry major.

[575] So he did my chemistry homework for me half the time.

[576] Really?

[577] So that's literally our relationship was so brother and sister.

[578] Yeah.

[579] Because when you're 14 and 19, it's such a large age gap.

[580] It really is.

[581] 14, 19, you're like, that's a grown -up.

[582] Like, that's gross on both levels.

[583] It was not even a plausible thought.

[584] Right.

[585] So when we reconnected when I was, you know, 27, 26, 27.

[586] Right.

[587] And 34 at the time, it's totally fine.

[588] Right, right.

[589] Very different reconnection.

[590] So you see each other in a different light.

[591] But going back to when I was younger, no, not at all.

[592] Yeah.

[593] Not in the slightest.

[594] You know, I've noticed we were talking about what people were like as parents.

[595] What I've observed is that you guys are, like, he, He's a real physical dad.

[596] Yeah.

[597] And, you know, a lot of people, we now have science.

[598] We'll allow people to have children.

[599] The male, and that's not even so much science, but women can have children later.

[600] But there's a lot of men that will become a new dad at like 65.

[601] And that's part of the culture.

[602] And I think, you know what?

[603] We're kind of meant, the one thing they don't take into account is we're meant to throw our kids around, especially the guys.

[604] We are meant to pick up our kids and toss them in the air and catch them.

[605] them.

[606] And one of the times I was hanging out with you guys, Ashner's in the background just throwing your children up into the air and then they'd go up like 10 feet and then he would catch them.

[607] There was a lot of rough and tumble and I'm that way.

[608] I like to do that.

[609] And it's like the one reason that I motivate myself to try and work out every day is I want to be able to tackle my children even when they're grown, even when they're grown adults.

[610] Yes, of course you do.

[611] And writers on the show.

[612] Like I'm not even kidding.

[613] I want to be able to tackle people and be a physical, goofy guy.

[614] Yes, he's the same.

[615] I mean, not to take away from if you do have children at a later age, I think all great.

[616] But I do think that the greatest benefit of having a kid at an age where you're able to be.

[617] Right.

[618] Physical is important.

[619] I'm not.

[620] Like, I'm the same size as my children.

[621] Like, you know, it's not like I. Yeah, I saw him tossing you around a little too.

[622] I think he got confused.

[623] He was like, child.

[624] No, wife.

[625] I, I mean, I play with my kids.

[626] my kids.

[627] We just play differently.

[628] Like, I play pretend with my kids.

[629] Not to do that my husband doesn't, but I play pretend and we're on the floor and we're playing with trucks and we, you know, hide and go seek and do all these things.

[630] And then, you know, he comes home and it's a, it's a fucking jungle gym.

[631] Like, it's the greatest thing that can happen else you get like your piss and vinegar out.

[632] Like, go play with dad and you go outside and they, you know, just, they're crazy.

[633] And it's the best thing that can ever happen.

[634] Here's where I get in trouble.

[635] I get in trouble, and I used to get in trouble a lot more when they were younger, but it would be getting close to bedtime.

[636] Oh, I Yes, like this happens all the time.

[637] I would come home from doing my late night show, whichever late night show was doing at the time.

[638] And I would come home and it was, I'm all amped up from doing the show.

[639] And I'm amped up all the time anyway.

[640] And I would come home and I would chase my kids around.

[641] Right before bad time.

[642] They'd be shrieking.

[643] They'd be punching me. I'd be pretending to fall down.

[644] I'd be getting up, becoming a zombie, throwing pillows at them.

[645] They're throwing pillows at me. And my wife would be like, what?

[646] Knock it off.

[647] This is me a lot of times.

[648] And they're supposed to be in bed 10 minutes ago, and their heart rates are both at 180, you know?

[649] And it was true.

[650] I was being a total, I just couldn't help it.

[651] It was like, my crack cocaine.

[652] I learned to be okay with it.

[653] The first kid, I was like, but I set the lights and the tone and the thing, and everybody's ready for a second kid.

[654] I really, very much so it was like, whatever, enjoy your kids.

[655] Like, it is what it is, and you have 20 minutes go, you know.

[656] Right.

[657] Because when he was doing his show, he would come home from pre -shoots at like, if our bad time was 637, he would come home at 6 .15, and I was like, oh, my God, it was either you come home at five or come home at eight, but do not come home in between.

[658] In this special hour when children are being put down to sleep.

[659] I know, but now I don't care.

[660] Now I genuinely do not care.

[661] I think it's great.

[662] I really think it's so important.

[663] It's so important for them to have that because as much as I can do that, it's not the same.

[664] It's just I have different energy.

[665] I just do.

[666] Like if they hurt themselves, they naturally run to me. And if they want to go and play.

[667] and go apeshit and do you pretend to be a zombie or a fish or a dinosaur or whatever, they definitely go towards him.

[668] Right.

[669] You know what I mean?

[670] And it's just different play.

[671] Now, there's this thing I want to talk about that it's a little bit of a thread I'm finding out that's running through this podcast, which started as a lark, and it's turned to this thing that I really love to do.

[672] And that is this business that we're in, which fascinates me. And I'm pretty sure you're going to know what I'm talking about.

[673] But it's a business that attracts a certain kind of person who very much wants validation in this very public way.

[674] And they want their happiness to come in this very public forum, and they want it to come.

[675] You know, they want the awards, the things that all of us can get sucked into.

[676] Yeah.

[677] And it's very interesting to me when I'm talking to someone, you in particular, who's had an incredible amount of success, but I sense, and I know I'm right, that that's not.

[678] where you get your validation from.

[679] Is that correct?

[680] Yeah.

[681] Like that's not what makes you happy or fulfilled.

[682] You're proud, I'm sure, of, of the stuff that you've accomplished in what you've done?

[683] 100%.

[684] Yes.

[685] And I work hard at it.

[686] Yes.

[687] So I have, I'm definitely proud and I have, I think, a healthy amount of ownership over it.

[688] Right.

[689] Yeah.

[690] But then what you, you seem to be someone who's figured out the thing that I'm going to say alludes a lot of people in entertainment.

[691] I don't even think people who consume entertainment don't know how truly unhappy some people are that work in this business because we have such, we have a culture that worships anyone who's in People magazine and is smiling and wearing leggings that, you know, are selling.

[692] No, you know what I mean?

[693] They're always walking down the street, like holding a coffee, and it's like rocking these new silver leggings that are from the Jojo Jajaba collection.

[694] And, you know, do you?

[695] You know, we're talking about.

[696] And we live in this culture where, well, that person is to be idolized, whereas you and I have know plenty of these people.

[697] We know a lot of them personally, and we've worked with them, who are absolutely fucking miserable.

[698] Correct.

[699] Depressed.

[700] And I almost wanted to, I don't know, like sort of just shed a light on how, I can't tell you how many times I drive around this town, Los Angeles, and see billboards of people beaming happiness and it says like check out blank and their new show or their sitcom or whatever and they're giving you that big smile and I think I know that person and that's not that person they're selling you something that's completely wrong about themselves yes I don't know I know it's a weird thing that I've always talked about because I think it's always been fascinating for other people as to why I'm not fucked up and I don't know where where what When, like, I don't know where the trajectory went this way, and I clearly wanted this one route and not this route because my friends did go in this route.

[701] You had, you had friends that got into it.

[702] 100%.

[703] Yeah, I've been doing this since I was nine.

[704] Yeah.

[705] So I've had so many of my friends that, especially that we're doing this at a younger age where you're a little bit more susceptible.

[706] Well, yeah, you know, it's interesting, but there are other people like you.

[707] I've had the privilege of chatting a couple of times with Jody Foster.

[708] and she is one of the smartest people I've ever talked to and completely seemingly unaffected by being Jody Foster and she started as a kid and you think how did you get through that maze because so many you know to go through everything that that she's been through in that level of fame and yeah and hers has also so many other baggage I mean yeah you know what I mean yeah at the height of the height but I don't know yeah and she and and I think but it's rare.

[709] It's really rare, and so it's...

[710] It's more rare now that I've allowed...

[711] Like, I don't make friends easily.

[712] I have, like, my group of friends, and I'm perfectly happy with my little group of friends, and I've had what I used to coin as, like, the flavor the month where, like, a new friend would come in for, like, a mid -in.

[713] I was like, that's my new friend, but it really was it.

[714] Right.

[715] And so...

[716] Who tells them it's over?

[717] Does someone come in the room and go, it's over?

[718] It's done.

[719] Your next flavor.

[720] I stopped, like, respond.

[721] You leave the room on a...

[722] happy note and then someone else comes in the room and says it's over.

[723] Wait, no, she said she was going to get us ice cream.

[724] No, no, just sign this and you're done.

[725] But recently I've been like, you know what, I'm going to venture out.

[726] We're going to like make new friends, whatever.

[727] And I've learned that people in this industry and I have very little in common.

[728] Yeah.

[729] And I don't mean this in a negative way or in a judgmental way, but just things that I want to talk about versus things that are of interest to most people in this industry are very different.

[730] But that's not bad or good.

[731] It's just something that I've just recently realized.

[732] What I came to, I realized a long time ago is that if you're in this business, and it just doesn't have to be show business because there's other businesses where this happens too.

[733] But if you tie yourself worth to something that oscillates, it goes up and down, naturally, you're going to be miserable your entire life.

[734] 100%.

[735] So I don't, if you're a stockbroker, same thing.

[736] If you're in this business, And you make a deal that I'm going to be totally thrilled with myself and my life and my reality as long as I'm on the cover of the magazine.

[737] But the minute someone else is on the cover and I'm on page seven, I'm going to be in the depths of despair.

[738] You're fucked.

[739] Totally.

[740] There's no way out of that.

[741] And the whole industry is opinion -based.

[742] So it's not even how good your work is.

[743] It's just what the guy next door thinks of it.

[744] Right.

[745] So why make yourself be worth up on some doucheback?

[746] Like, I don't need people I don't know telling me right from wrong.

[747] Right.

[748] I get enough of it at home.

[749] Yeah.

[750] You know what I mean?

[751] Like, I'm cool in that regard.

[752] But I think that that also helps, that I'm not on social media.

[753] So I don't have a constant reminder of how many likes I have in my life.

[754] Yeah.

[755] Which is very healthy.

[756] Which is really healthy.

[757] Now, okay, here's the situation.

[758] Now you're raising these children and their parents are these two, you know, successful, really successful actors and people in the business, how do you convince them like, no, you're going to churn butter for a living, or you're going to, what are the, what are the, we probably already started to think about it.

[759] Like, you're going to have a job when you're 11.

[760] You're going to work on a stone mill.

[761] She knows exactly what our job's going to be.

[762] We go to this little deli in L .A. on Sunday mornings, this is like diner deli on Sunday mornings for breakfast and she's gone there since both the kids have gone there a little.

[763] And so she wants to work there with the waitress, her name's Gloria.

[764] And she was like, I'm going to come and work with you here.

[765] And Gloria's like, great.

[766] When you're like nine years old, and she's like, okay, I'm going to come here on the weekends.

[767] We have it all planned out.

[768] But, you know, there's a funny situation that happened at school.

[769] We haven't told my kids or we haven't told our kids what we do, how it relates to life.

[770] I was driving them to school one day.

[771] And there was a billboard with my face on it for a movie.

[772] And my daughter went, oh, mom.

[773] And I went, yep.

[774] had no, didn't comment, didn't elaborate, and I drove home, and I was like, I think that at one point we're going to have to figure out how to talk about this, because she knows we play pretend for a living, and that's kind of how we've explained it all on, like, sets and whatnot.

[775] So the other day, she was at preschool, and one of the little boys, her little friend walked after her and goes, I saw your mommy and daddy on the cover of the magazine when I was at the doctor's office, and I was like, no, you didn't?

[776] Our daughter.

[777] And the little boy was like, yes, I did.

[778] I saw your mom and dad on the cover of the magazine.

[779] And so she pushed him and was like, no, you didn't.

[780] didn't, and got very upset about it.

[781] And so we haven't quite, this happened last week, we haven't quite addressed that situation of explaining that aspector.

[782] Because he didn't say it in a negative way.

[783] It wasn't done in like, the kid can't read.

[784] It was just more like, your mom and dad are everywhere type of thing.

[785] And my kid's like, no, they're not, they're mine.

[786] And you're like, well, one day we're going to have to explain this.

[787] And so Ash and I just literally, so if you have any advice, we literally just started discussing how are we going to talk about how play pretend affects the rest of our lives?

[788] Yeah.

[789] I obviously, I mean, my experience with my kids is that they, you know, for a long time, I didn't want them to know what I did.

[790] I really didn't want them to know what I did.

[791] And I wanted just to be the dad that comes home and takes his jacket off and puts his briefcase down from work.

[792] and plays around with them.

[793] And for a long time when they're really young, you can get away with that.

[794] And then I find they notice something's different when they realize people coming up to you on the street.

[795] Well, my kid knows my name.

[796] My daughters, my kids know my name is Milakunis.

[797] Right.

[798] No one has ever called me Milakunis.

[799] And so when you go, hey, bear, what's mommy's name?

[800] And he goes, Milakunis.

[801] It breaks my heart.

[802] Because the only reason he knows my name is because somebody at the grocery store said it, someone at the gas station said it.

[803] Like, it's the only reason that they know what my real name is.

[804] Right.

[805] It's a really bizarre realization that I had that both my kids know my husband and my real full names.

[806] Right.

[807] Kids know their parents' names.

[808] Yeah.

[809] Well, it's interesting because I've, I, both my kids, especially my son, are very comfortable putting me down.

[810] So.

[811] I hope that that happened.

[812] No, no. And it's really good because I was in a restaurant last night with my son and he's 13.

[813] And we're having kind of like a guy's night out because my wife.

[814] wife and daughter were at a show.

[815] So we're, I'm just talking about it.

[816] The two of us were getting some, we just got a steak and we're talking about stuff.

[817] And a guy came over to the table and he was saying all these, you know, nice things to me about my career and my work.

[818] And my son was just sort of like smelling and shaking his head, sort of like, and he said, the guy said something really nice.

[819] Like, I really, you know, I'm uncomfortable talking about it.

[820] But just, he said like a nice thing.

[821] He was very complimentary to me. towards me. And then my son sort of was shaking his head and the guy left the table.

[822] My son was like, yeah, well, a lot.

[823] He doesn't know, you know.

[824] And it was just really good, like, you know, I know the real story, buddy.

[825] And I love that.

[826] I love that he is, I mean, I can tell he's, yeah, I can tell he's on some level proud of what I'm doing, but he also knows.

[827] But that's okay.

[828] It's healthy to be proud of your parents, right?

[829] Like, that's a good thing to do to be proud.

[830] Like, I was proud of my dad as a cab driver.

[831] I never looked at him and was like, so it's okay that you were, you know.

[832] But I hope that my kids have their idea like, oh, you think that that, that they're hot shit.

[833] Like, I hope that my kids are like, no, they're not.

[834] That's healthy.

[835] That's a healthy parent -child relationship.

[836] Right.

[837] You know?

[838] Well, I'm just watching, knowing you all these years and seeing the way you guys are with your kids, I have no doubt that they're going to be fine.

[839] It's my biggest, like, how do you raise kids in LA doing what we do and not have them turn out miserable?

[840] I do think there's something to them having to get jobs pretty early.

[841] You know my husband.

[842] You don't think my kids are going to, they have jobs now.

[843] They literally have, they have chores starting at age of two in our house.

[844] They're responsible for our dogs.

[845] Right.

[846] So they have to feed the dogs.

[847] They have to walk the dogs.

[848] they are literally, they have to make their bed, they have to wash their dishes.

[849] They have jobs starting at two.

[850] It's a little bit extreme.

[851] But I think that, I saw your son building a stone wall.

[852] And it was for the city.

[853] It was for the city of Los Angeles.

[854] Did he have sunblock on it?

[855] No, he did.

[856] Oh, okay.

[857] He didn't.

[858] Oh, he didn't.

[859] No, he did not.

[860] I know.

[861] Jobs are really important.

[862] It's funny how important it is for your kids have a job at a young age.

[863] It's really important.

[864] Right.

[865] All right.

[866] We're going to...

[867] Can my kids come work for you?

[868] Yeah.

[869] Actually, they could.

[870] That'd be cool.

[871] They'd have to handle alcohol, though.

[872] I want them bringing me drinks.

[873] My daughter can bring you a drink, no problem today.

[874] We have a little fridge that she knows how to open, and she will bring you a beer.

[875] That's fantastic.

[876] And she goes, can you get Daddy a beer?

[877] And she's like, of course.

[878] Right.

[879] And she goes to the little fridge and gets a beer.

[880] Yeah.

[881] Mine would be, can you make Daddy a rum and Coke?

[882] Did your kids make a rum and Coke?

[883] I don't know.

[884] I wouldn't have a rum.

[885] Do you think your kids have had a rum.

[886] a drink?

[887] I do not.

[888] You don't think so, or you don't know?

[889] I think they're like, I do not think they have.

[890] No, I don't think they aspire.

[891] I don't think they aspire to that.

[892] I think they're, in a good way, I think they're growing up slowly.

[893] And I know there are people listening right now that are saying, oh, man, you're so, you don't get it.

[894] Of course, they've had a drink.

[895] And I'm thinking, no. I don't think they, I don't think they have.

[896] They smoke a ton of weed.

[897] I've seen your daughter on vacation studying.

[898] Yes, she does.

[899] I know.

[900] I've seen it on a day.

[901] days where you're like go outside and play and she's just like no she's like no must and it'll be a saturday morning i know it's crazy and she's like i've got to work i know so i must understand everything and i'm saying look uh the sad thing is it's a little familiar to me because that was kind of like that were you like that yeah i was um a bit of a freak as a child but uh that's the curse that's why i have absolutely no exposure to the sun and i'm in my 50s when do you go back to cuba I'll go back I should go back Well I just get You know where I was I was just in Ghana I like to go to different places In film That's who we talked about Because I was like I want to go to Cuba Oh Jesus Oh my husband's here Your husband's here Peering in the window Is he going to come in And say hello Or he's just going to be back there I don't know You're going to come in Oh by the way Do you know Our anniversaries tomorrow Oh is it really?

[902] I know And he thought it was today Ask him when's our anniversary Come in Come in When's your aneur Oh God Ask him because he got it wrong Okay Okay, sir, ladies and gentlemen, it's Ashton.

[903] It's also my Uber driver.

[904] And your Uber driver.

[905] I'm Uber driver.

[906] Wait, now, when did you, you didn't know your anniversary?

[907] I thought it was today.

[908] He's not the anniversary of today.

[909] You're always better off being a day early than a day late at the anniversary.

[910] So you had no idea when the anniversary was.

[911] But it's hanging, there's a plaque in our house that has our anniversary on it.

[912] Like, so that, just look in the kitchen.

[913] I don't read.

[914] So you bought a pony today instead of getting it delivered tomorrow.

[915] He just ran out.

[916] during this really quick.

[917] You can't see this right now, but Ashton has a pony here, and it's got a big bow on it, and its name is Butterscotch.

[918] That's fantastic.

[919] How are you?

[920] I'm great.

[921] Yeah, so you're the ride home?

[922] I'm the Uber driver.

[923] We have to go pick up our kids.

[924] Oh.

[925] You get a really exciting day today today.

[926] Look, we all pretended to care about our kids during the podcast, but it's bullshit, man. You're carrying this too far.

[927] Do you want to come with us?

[928] Sure.

[929] And you don't invite the Uber driver in?

[930] This isn't like the Stern show where the driver comes up.

[931] It can be.

[932] Can I just say one thing?

[933] You guys have both seen me on the beach.

[934] What's it like when you see this body, this body running down the beach?

[935] What's it like?

[936] Can we call you white lightning?

[937] I'm like, there goes white lightning.

[938] He's streaky by.

[939] Is he not kidding?

[940] I know.

[941] You can't miss you.

[942] I mean, you're very specific.

[943] I'm very specific.

[944] Specific is a nice word for a tall Belgian woman with no skin tone.

[945] We're like, I'm Conan's here.

[946] Look, there's Conan.

[947] It's like seeing an exotic ostrich.

[948] The Irish are coming.

[949] Put the beer away.

[950] We're what's happening for the guest later.

[951] All right, I'm going to let you guys go get your kids.

[952] Thank you.

[953] Thank you so much for being here.

[954] Ashton, good to see you.

[955] Pleasure.

[956] Stay focused when you're driving, okay?

[957] I do.

[958] Okay, I know you do.

[959] We heard about that.

[960] We've discussed it all.

[961] And Mila, Siri.

[962] Since the first day I met you And then a couple of times since then Once we were at some kooky award show together And I think I talked to you for like five minutes backstage It was like a people's choice or something And I talked to you for like five minutes backstage And you left and I was glowing like That is a special person And I really mean that.

[963] Thank you very much.

[964] Thank you.

[965] Thanks for being here And God bless you And I look forward to running into you When I'm wearing a speedo See you this weekend.

[966] Yeah, exactly.

[967] You should see me in a speedo.

[968] It's awful.

[969] We're done.

[970] So last week, I fed myself right into the mouth of the line by mentioning that I sketch with my mother in the park.

[971] You sketch with your mother in the park.

[972] Let's just let that sink in for our listeners.

[973] Her name is Welford.

[974] Her name is Welford.

[975] She's lovely.

[976] Listen, I'm not disparaging your mother, but some people probably accuse me of being hard on you, Gourley.

[977] I think most people will yet.

[978] Oh, maybe half.

[979] Maybe sometimes think that I'm overly tough on Gourley and that I portray him as this kind of slackerish fop.

[980] And then...

[981] Well, you can't be a fop and a slacker.

[982] Okay, let's change that.

[983] Again, fresh off the plane from Ghana, tired.

[984] Came back on Monday.

[985] Silence.

[986] I can't just say silence.

[987] It's so wrong.

[988] Silence.

[989] I got that an old sci -fi movie.

[990] Silence.

[991] No, many people have...

[992] have accused me of maybe being a little tough on you because I portray you, you've always felt unfairly, as sort of a twee, fussy fop with his little mannerisms, his collection of eBay presidential memorabilia.

[993] And I thought, okay, maybe I'm being too tough on him.

[994] And then last week, you reveal that you gotta run because you have to go sketch in the park with your mother whose name is Wellford.

[995] I happen to know, because I have friends that listen to the podcast.

[996] One of them called me up this morning and said that his jaw dropped off.

[997] His jaw dropped off when he heard that.

[998] He said he was walking down the west side of Manhattan and his jaw fell off and clattered on the sidewalk, then fell down into a grate.

[999] So now his jaw is gone.

[1000] So anyway, that really happened.

[1001] You really do that, and that's something you do regularly.

[1002] Well, we do a few times a year whenever we can.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] So you mentioned that you wanted to talk to her, and I thought maybe we could get her on the line and you can maybe get to the bottom of the truth of this all, if you really want to know where this is all coming from.

[1006] I am definitely my mother's son.

[1007] I'm a mama's boy, so this would be it.

[1008] Oh, you a mama's boy?

[1009] I know, it's a surprise.

[1010] Oh, okay.

[1011] No, it's all right.

[1012] You never know.

[1013] There's so many unexpected turns in life.

[1014] Okay.

[1015] Let's give her a call.

[1016] Hello, we are not available now.

[1017] Please lead your name and phone number after the beep.

[1018] Hello, this is Conan O 'Brien calling.

[1019] I'm calling for Wellford, the mother of Matt Goreley, if you're there?

[1020] Hello, this is the missor of Matt Gorley.

[1021] Oh, oh my, oh, my God.

[1022] Hi, Mom.

[1023] The Mither?

[1024] I'm sorry.

[1025] What do I call you?

[1026] Your last name is, is it Meryl?

[1027] Mrs. Meryl?

[1028] Yes.

[1029] Okay.

[1030] You had called me Matt's Mither on your podcast.

[1031] Oh, I did.

[1032] Oh, my God.

[1033] I thought you were, I thought this was like a character actress playing the part of Matt Garley's mom, but you really are his mom.

[1034] I am his mom, yes.

[1035] Well, let me, may I call you Wellford?

[1036] What do you prefer?

[1037] Mrs. Merrill, I mean, I want to be respectful.

[1038] No, um, Wellford, it's fine.

[1039] Do you have a nickname?

[1040] Welf.

[1041] Your nickname is Wealth.

[1042] Okay.

[1043] Yes, that's what my husband started calling me. Mom, tell him your full name, all the names.

[1044] Oh my gosh.

[1045] Okay.

[1046] Catherine, Wellford, Nolan, Warden, goarly, Merrill.

[1047] My God.

[1048] Did you come over on like seven Mayflowers?

[1049] Is that what happened?

[1050] They all crashed into each other?

[1051] Well, I was given four names at birth, so.

[1052] And tell them what you call me. Moni.

[1053] Why do you call Matt Monty?

[1054] Well, my two youngest boys, when they were real little, couldn't say Matt for some reason, and they called him Moni.

[1055] Maybe they just had distaste for him.

[1056] Well, anyway, I won't go there.

[1057] seems cruel.

[1058] Do you know what my mother calls me, and I'm not kidding?

[1059] No, I don't.

[1060] Well, you shouldn't.

[1061] It was just, it was a rhetorical question.

[1062] No, my mother, my mother calls me pigeon pie.

[1063] What?

[1064] Yeah, my mother will still, to this day, I'll call up and I'll go, hello, Mott's coming and she'll say, well, hello there, pigeon pie.

[1065] Oh, that's all I'm ever going to call you now.

[1066] Hey, yes, you can do that right up until the moment.

[1067] You honestly know that's a term of endearment.

[1068] I think so, or else she's very hungry, and we'll eat anything.

[1069] Well, I wanted to talk to you about your son, Matt Goreley.

[1070] You know him is Matt Goreley.

[1071] We just call him Monty.

[1072] But let me ask you something, Welford.

[1073] Last week, Matt mentioned that it's a regular practice.

[1074] Both of you like to go to the park together at an appointed time, and you like to sketch.

[1075] Is that correct?

[1076] Oh, yeah.

[1077] How long have you been doing this for?

[1078] We've done it.

[1079] I would say maybe about four times now.

[1080] Uh -huh.

[1081] Can I ask you some questions?

[1082] Does Matt wear a big sun hat?

[1083] No, he doesn't.

[1084] Okay.

[1085] That's interesting to know.

[1086] He's a great artist, though.

[1087] Is he a good artist?

[1088] Oh, she's the best.

[1089] Oh.

[1090] She's amazing.

[1091] No, no, no. He is so much better.

[1092] The last time we went sketching, I didn't even want to look at his drawing until I had finished mine because I would have stopped doing it.

[1093] mine.

[1094] It's an architectural type of style, but very light and airy, and mine is very detailed.

[1095] Can I just say that it seems like you both have a beautiful, special, and loving relationship, and it's making me sick to my stomach.

[1096] I've never gone sketching with my mother.

[1097] I've never gone sketching with my father.

[1098] In fact, my father and I have not made eye contact since the Lyndon Johnson administration.

[1099] I want you to know that.

[1100] I don't know whether to laugh.

[1101] to say that's sad.

[1102] No, it's just how we are as Irish Catholics.

[1103] This is clearly, I'm guessing, what is your denomination, if you don't mind me asking?

[1104] Denomination, religious, name?

[1105] Yes, yes, your background, you're...

[1106] Protestant.

[1107] Protestants, so...

[1108] And no, I am not for Trump.

[1109] Well, this is, I'm sorry.

[1110] That's my mom.

[1111] Well, for this is not a robocall.

[1112] Did you think this is a robo call for Trump?

[1113] I don't think many people who go to the park to sketch or for Trump.

[1114] That's true.

[1115] So tell me, you say that what kinds of things are you guys drawing?

[1116] What's Matt drawing, for example?

[1117] What's he sketching?

[1118] Well, we're sketching unique houses, buildings.

[1119] We went to Pio Pico Mansion in Pico Rivera and sketched one of the buildings.

[1120] I'm not sure if it was the mansion or not.

[1121] Let me ask you something.

[1122] Does Matt ever sketch people or is it always architectural shapes?

[1123] I'm sure he sketched people before.

[1124] But you haven't seen.

[1125] seen it.

[1126] Let me tell you where I'm going with this, Welford.

[1127] It's a known fact that people who only sketch architecture do so because they feel removed and isolated from humanity.

[1128] Adolf Hitler famously only painted and sketched architecturally, and he was quite competent at it.

[1129] When asked to portray humans, he had great difficulty.

[1130] This probably belied some kind of deep felt frustration and alienation, which led to him destroying half the world.

[1131] Anyway, what I'm trying to...

[1132] I know Matt has sketched people before he...

[1133] Yes, but can I just say something, Welford?

[1134] He did so against their will.

[1135] And I looked up the police records in Los Angeles and seven times your son has been arrested and detained for sketching women that were sunbathing against their will.

[1136] Were you not aware of this?

[1137] Well, I think I did see his poster in the post office once.

[1138] Very nice.

[1139] Oh, my God.

[1140] You have the image.

[1141] Improv Jean, yes, Anne, thank you.

[1142] Thank you very much.

[1143] I see now where Matt gets it.

[1144] Well, you know what?

[1145] I make my jokes, and I like to, as Sona calls it, she says, oh, you're quite the joshter.

[1146] You like your joshing and you're jesting.

[1147] That's what Sona always says.

[1148] Yes, she does.

[1149] But I think it's very sweet that you have this relationship with your son, and I'll admit to being a little jealous because...

[1150] Oh, pigeon pie, you should come along sometime.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] I would love to, if you had you heard on your podcast with Billy Eichner that you wanted to come to the park one time when we were sketching.

[1153] I would like to come sometime and I would like to see Matt sitting there.

[1154] What kind of sunglasses is you wear like a vintage sort of late 50 sunglasses, those kind that have the flip -up lens, flip -up shade?

[1155] I really have no idea.

[1156] Oh, you don't look at your son ever, huh?

[1157] Maybe that's why you strictly sketch architectural forms.

[1158] rather than a human being, Welford.

[1159] You see, you and your son suffer from the same malady and inability to truly bond with another human being.

[1160] Now, we're bonding with each other, right, Mom?

[1161] Yeah, I wouldn't give it up for the world.

[1162] What was Maddie like when he was a little boy?

[1163] Was he always out there collecting butterflies?

[1164] What kind of fellow was he?

[1165] Well, he was very funny, funny all the time.

[1166] Oh, so what happened?

[1167] Did he hit his head or something?

[1168] I think, you know, those things, they say a sharp blow, and that can just go away.

[1169] He was very creative.

[1170] Uh -huh.

[1171] He had made his own films with Star Wars characters and the like, and, you know, he majored in theater and set to sign.

[1172] Did he have trouble with bullies, I imagine, bullies bullying him for his...

[1173] I do now.

[1174] Yeah, you, Conan.

[1175] Excuse me. Wellford, excuse me, you're the one who's incapable of drawing the human form because of your desire to invade Poland.

[1176] That's not me. That's you, Welford.

[1177] I'm sorry.

[1178] You don't have to answer that much.

[1179] Clearly out of control.

[1180] I'm way out of control today, and I apologize.

[1181] You know, let's get back to Matt.

[1182] Matt, he got along well with other children?

[1183] Oh, yeah.

[1184] No real issues then back then.

[1185] Not that I know of, but I'm finding out lately that for most of my kids that they did things that I had no idea they did, and I'm glad I didn't know it when they did it.

[1186] Well, this is fantastic.

[1187] Why don't you be quiet, Matt?

[1188] Ah, see, my technique has worked.

[1189] I have kept you talking, Welford, and now the beans are out of the Turin.

[1190] I was saying that no one's ever uttered.

[1191] So you find that your children now are telling you things that they were up to that you didn't know about.

[1192] Right.

[1193] What have I done?

[1194] I don't know about you, honey.

[1195] I don't know.

[1196] I just know the other three have done stuff.

[1197] Yeah, it's only them.

[1198] Well, what did they do?

[1199] Okay.

[1200] Is there anything we can talk about?

[1201] Well, I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my two youngest sons and a friend of theirs, we have, our garage is right next to a neighbor's garage, and it's a little enclosed area behind a gate, and they used to go back there, and there was a couch back there, very classy, and I don't know if they're telling me the truth or not, but that they used to smoke weed out there.

[1202] What?

[1203] And this is when they were teams.

[1204] Yeah, wait a minute, they were.

[1205] They were smoking Mary Jane on a couch, and this is when you're supposedly around?

[1206] Are you there at the house when this is happening?

[1207] I'm sure they did things mostly when I, excuse me, wasn't there.

[1208] How do you think they got a hold of this wacky tobacco?

[1209] Well, it's certainly something beyond my knowledge.

[1210] I mean, I'm sure you're just finding out about this now.

[1211] No, the only thing I would do when you were gone is I would take the, I would take the mattress outside and jump off the roof.

[1212] and do my own little stunt shows when you weren't there.

[1213] Listen, I give your son a hard time here on the show, Welford, but I do it out of good fun, a sense of bono me, you know what I'm saying?

[1214] Oh, I know you, yeah.

[1215] I've watched your TV show and listening to the podcast.

[1216] Are you a regular?

[1217] I haven't listened to them all, but I've listened to a few of them, and they're very funny.

[1218] Are you a regular viewer of the TV show?

[1219] Well, not anymore.

[1220] When you were on late night, I think it was.

[1221] They don't have cable.

[1222] So you haven't seen me since 2010, but nine years I've been toiling away on my craft, and you haven't been there.

[1223] You'll watch your son jump off a roof, but you won't watch me make a professional television show.

[1224] Well, what if we offered to buy you cable?

[1225] Would you watch me then?

[1226] Well, sure.

[1227] Well, I'm not sure you would.

[1228] Mom, play your cards right on this.

[1229] You know, you'd like catch up on Veep and games.

[1230] I would definitely watch you, Conan, Conan, because...

[1231] You don't even know my name.

[1232] I would definitely watch...

[1233] I'm in the middle of a...

[1234] I'm in the middle of a cough.

[1235] Yeah, that's everyone's excuse.

[1236] Conan, Conan, Conan.

[1237] I would definitely watch you because we enjoyed your show when we saw it.

[1238] Thank you.

[1239] Wellford, I'm going to get you cable, and I want you to look at, watch the show, and then we're going to check back in with you, okay?

[1240] Sona, will you set this up?

[1241] Will you make sure that we get Wilford cable?

[1242] I get You speak into the microphone I don't even have cable But I sure Wait you don't have cable Oh but I We can get her cable Wait how do you watch the show I watch it when we tape it here Oh my God You want me to watch it when we're taping in here And then go home and watch it again With your husband No Tack loves me No I mean he does but no Sure I will get cable No no for Wellford I'm, that's what I meant, yes.

[1243] We're going to get you sad.

[1244] Well, will you get you cable?

[1245] Will you watch my show, Welford, and then I want to talk to you, and I want you to be honest with me and tell me if it compares to the show that you watched when you last saw me almost a decade ago.

[1246] Do you do that for me?

[1247] Oh, that sounds wonderful.

[1248] Wellford, there's a rumor that you dressed Matt as a girl for eight years.

[1249] Is that true?

[1250] And you made him wear a, oh, that reminds me. Did you make him wear it?

[1251] Did you make him dress as a girl and wear a 19, turn of the century 1902 girls' outfits?

[1252] until he was 11.

[1253] Is that true?

[1254] She did not cut my hair for how long, mom?

[1255] That's it.

[1256] Except my bang, so I just had long, curly hair with bays.

[1257] I knew that.

[1258] Yeah.

[1259] How did I know that, Welford?

[1260] How did I know?

[1261] Well, his hair was just too cute.

[1262] I couldn't cut it.

[1263] Oh, that's the one regret I have.

[1264] That's why you couldn't work the machinery down at the mill.

[1265] Well, listen, Wellford, it's been very nice talking to you, unless anyone else has any thoughts.

[1266] No, I love you, Mom.

[1267] Love you, too, hon. Yeah, it's really sweet.

[1268] When are you going to sketch in the park next?

[1269] I don't know, probably a month or two.

[1270] Well, we don't know yet, but hopefully sometime soon.

[1271] Okay.

[1272] Well, think about drawing people or just trying it, see if you can learn.

[1273] Manages?

[1274] Yeah, it's called having empathy and connection to others.

[1275] But just try it.

[1276] I don't want you to turn bitter and then start invading neighboring countries.

[1277] Okay.

[1278] Well, it was lovely talking to you, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts about the show.

[1279] All right.

[1280] Thanks, Conan.

[1281] Bye, bye, bye.

[1282] Thanks, Mom.

[1283] Bye.

[1284] Bye, Matt.

[1285] Bye, Sona.

[1286] Bye.

[1287] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1288] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1289] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1290] Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

[1291] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1292] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1293] You can rate and review this show.

[1294] on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1295] Got a question for Conan?

[1296] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1297] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1298] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1299] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.