Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hey, Alan, meet Conan and Sona.
[5] Hi, Alan.
[6] How are you?
[7] I'm good.
[8] How are you all?
[9] Good.
[10] When I heard it was Alan, I foolishly assumed this is a man. You are not the first.
[11] How do you spell your name?
[12] It's spelled A -L -L -A -N.
[13] Oh, okay.
[14] Very good.
[15] And Alan, were you contacting us from?
[16] The Great Beyond.
[17] Where are you right now?
[18] Are you a ghost, Alan?
[19] Turns out, yes.
[20] Oh, wow.
[21] You're the least scary ghost I've ever encountered.
[22] Hi, y 'all.
[23] Oh, fantastic.
[24] Where are you right now?
[25] Kind of Southern ghost.
[26] I am right now, I'm in Columbia, Missouri.
[27] I'm at my aunt's house, and I live in Kansas City, Missouri.
[28] Oh, wow.
[29] I love Kansas City.
[30] Get yourself a good steak there in Kansas City.
[31] Good barbecue.
[32] Yeah, barbecue, the meats.
[33] So close.
[34] What do you mean?
[35] No?
[36] I mean, steak.
[37] No?
[38] I don't think I would say barbecue.
[39] You'd think, what's closer?
[40] Barbecue or steak?
[41] Barbecue.
[42] Okay.
[43] First of all, I apologize, and I'm terminating this interview immediately.
[44] I appreciate it.
[45] Yeah.
[46] I just had a good steak when I was in Kansas City.
[47] I remember it very well.
[48] I'm sorry to discount your experience.
[49] Thank you.
[50] You know what?
[51] I feel unseen right now.
[52] Oh.
[53] I was down by a railroad cross.
[54] and there was a really good steakhouse and I had an amazing steak but now I'm I guess I'm an asshole because they also have amazing barbecue so screw me. Well I wasn't going to say it I'm glad you said it you guys now I wish I had you had said Kansas City and I had said tapioca pudding you guys crush it Kansas City the first thing I think of is tapioca pudding you know what's great out here surprisingly enough the granola turns out fantastic best you can get in the world.
[55] Yeah, I'm not going to buy that.
[56] So tell us a little bit about yourself, Alan.
[57] What do you do?
[58] I'm a crime scene investigator.
[59] Oh, chat pot.
[60] Holy shit.
[61] I love crime.
[62] I've committed some crimes.
[63] That's unfortunate.
[64] Yeah, well, just try and catch me. Wait, I just admitted.
[65] If you keep me talking for five minutes, you'll have everything you need.
[66] The worst criminal...
[67] fold so quickly.
[68] Oh, yeah, sure.
[69] I killed him.
[70] Yeah, just don't go looking in the, back in that shed.
[71] Near the elm tree in my, in my yard.
[72] Well, I mean, if you didn't, if you didn't say it, I think Sona would probably give you a hot minute.
[73] But you would give details they'd never even ask for.
[74] Yeah, exactly.
[75] I would just be immediately saying, you know, it's harder to kill chope to death than you think.
[76] And, um, but listen, this is a serious profession.
[77] So you are, you're a crime.
[78] scene investigator.
[79] This is, I mean, okay, I have so many questions.
[80] I figured you might.
[81] First of all, so are you dealing with a lot of homicides?
[82] Do you go to a lot of homicide scenes?
[83] In Kansas City, we deal with violent crime, mostly, yeah.
[84] Okay.
[85] Is it particularly high in Kansas City?
[86] It's been lower in the past.
[87] Right.
[88] So at this point, yeah, it's getting up there.
[89] It's getting up there, yeah.
[90] When I think of Kansas City, I think barbecue first, then meat, then violent time.
[91] Tapioca pudding.
[92] Then.
[93] Yes.
[94] I forgot.
[95] Damn it.
[96] Then murder.
[97] So, okay.
[98] I have so many questions.
[99] For example, when you first come on to a scene, I mean, you must have seen some crazy stuff, just insane stuff.
[100] Is it, did it take you a way?
[101] while to get used to seeing people who had violently met their end?
[102] Does it, or did you quickly get used to it?
[103] Um, I don't think you quickly get used to it.
[104] If you quickly get used to it, then maybe, um, you should see someone, which a lot of people do, and that's fine.
[105] Right.
[106] Because, yeah, that means you're a sociopath, I believe.
[107] No empathy.
[108] Yeah, that's kind of a problem.
[109] Okay.
[110] However, there is kind of a work mode that you get into and you compartmentalize and you say, okay, I'm here to do a job.
[111] And, you know, if, if, if you're conscious of it, you're able to process it at a later time and just kind of do your job and then, you know, maybe later you go home and go, okay, what just happened?
[112] Let me try and do this in a healthy way and not go like drink a six pack in the shower and cry.
[113] I would just cry.
[114] I would cry all day.
[115] I'd cry when I'm working.
[116] Yeah, you cry anyway.
[117] Yeah, I do.
[118] And you also drink a six pack in the shower.
[119] You do all this and you've never seen a dead body.
[120] Okay.
[121] So, We have to get into the nitty -gritty here, and I don't, you know, I want to be tasteful about this, but this is what you do, and it fascinates me, and I know it fascinates Sona as well.
[122] Who cares how David feels about it?
[123] I'm sorry, David, you know.
[124] David, I care.
[125] Thank you.
[126] By the way, we've now determined I have no empathy.
[127] So.
[128] And I'm like, what's the big deal?
[129] I am now determined?
[130] Right, yeah.
[131] Watch it, Alan, okay?
[132] One push of a button.
[133] And absolutely nothing happens.
[134] So you walk into a scene and is it, okay, what's the most homicides that you've encountered in one day?
[135] I think three.
[136] Three in one day.
[137] And they weren't, it's not like they all shot each other.
[138] These were separate.
[139] I was going to say it's cheating if they all shot each other.
[140] Right.
[141] Only happens in really old movies.
[142] What is it called?
[143] the Mexican standoff.
[144] That's right.
[145] Spider -Man.
[146] Yeah, exactly.
[147] I've always thought in those scenes in movies where people are holding guns right at each other and it's supposed to, neither one will blink, I think, just if one of you pulls the trigger, you win.
[148] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[149] So I don't understand those scenes.
[150] But anyway, I'm taking us away from the pot of gold we have here, which is you come upon a homicide scene.
[151] What's the first thing that you are looking for?
[152] So we will talk to the officers who responded.
[153] They will give us a bit of a rundown of what, you know, what may have occurred because of, you know, the technology today.
[154] Oftentimes there's video of what happened.
[155] So we'll watch that and try and get an idea of kind of what we're looking at.
[156] And then we will walk through the scene, look and see what we have and assess what we might need, equipment -wise, and all that.
[157] And then we'll start taking photographs.
[158] That's amazing.
[159] when you, and this is true, I've noticed a lot, there's video of everything now, which completely has changed the game, I would think, because more and more crimes, even if there's no video in the home, everybody's got a ring camera.
[160] People have, you know, stores, any business has a camera.
[161] There's, sometimes the city itself has put cameras everywhere.
[162] So you can see which vehicles were in the area.
[163] Right.
[164] Well, and when you go to, home depot and buy the tarp and the shovel and the duct tape you know i mean it's that's always a bad idea yeah i say are you writing this down conan no listen oh trust me i've thought about this one you get them slowly over a long period of time so oh but are you ordering off of amazon no no no no you don't go off of amazon you just get them very slowly and the more that you can just the more that you can pick up something like you're talking to somebody or over at their house.
[165] They say, I'm going to go and check on the beef stew that's simmering.
[166] And you just wander over and you see that they've got a shovel.
[167] You pick it up and you put it in the back of your car.
[168] Oh, so you take the victim's shovel.
[169] Oh, very good.
[170] Is that what you're saying?
[171] No, I'm saying you just, I was just saying that you need to plan a good crime has to be planned out maybe at least a year in advance.
[172] And you pick up things slowly and quietly.
[173] Also, I've had all my fingerprints burned off.
[174] I don't know if that does anything.
[175] That doesn't.
[176] I'm sorry.
[177] You know what?
[178] I did it.
[179] And then I didn't think about the DNA component.
[180] Yeah.
[181] Well, and, you know, if you committed the crime barefoot, we could get your foot prints as well.
[182] Yeah, but I'm always, when I murder, I'm always wearing bright yellow crocks.
[183] But you're also very recognizable on, on a camera.
[184] And I feel like if you see a camera pointed at you, you'll start.
[185] Performing.
[186] Doing bits.
[187] This is a problem now and it's that there'll be footage of there's a guy in Crocs wearing a wig and he's doing bits and oh he's doing the string dance now.
[188] I was going to say he's doing the string dance.
[189] He's doing the string dance and he's saying stick around there might be more murder after these messages.
[190] And then again I'm arrested and this is after quietly picking up everything I needed over a six year period.
[191] Yeah.
[192] I'm so sorry.
[193] I just don't think It's going to work.
[194] Wes, can you think of, I know it's a big question, but can you think of one of the more surprising scenes that you've come across?
[195] Well, you know, it's funny when people ask me these kinds of questions, first they'll ask me, you know, what's the worst thing you've ever seen?
[196] And I'm like, first of all, you don't want to know the worst thing I've ever seen, unfortunately.
[197] I'll tell you the baby version, you know, maybe, but...
[198] Wait, it happened to a baby?
[199] I want to know.
[200] Oh, you mean a smaller version?
[201] Oh, my God.
[202] I thought you meant, I'll tell you, I don't want to upset you, so I'll tell you something horrible about a baby.
[203] And I was like, you're a sociopath.
[204] You know what?
[205] I don't want to upset you.
[206] I'll tell you the thing about the baby that's selling to acid.
[207] Oh, God.
[208] At the acid factory.
[209] Anyway, I'm sorry.
[210] Go ahead, Alan.
[211] I've taken us astray once again.
[212] I apologize.
[213] You're fine.
[214] No, fair assessment of that sentence.
[215] Yeah, so I think some of the, well, actually, the most surprising scene that I've come across where there was an actual kind of, oh, my goodness, moment was, unfortunately, an elderly woman had passed away.
[216] And when there's an unattended death or something like that, or there may be drugs involved, we're going to go and check it out.
[217] Just kind of to cover your basis and make sure there's photographs of everything.
[218] And sometimes they can track down the drug dealer and all.
[219] Anyway, so she was in her late 80s, early 90s.
[220] Oh.
[221] She was in bed with the covers up to her neck.
[222] And there was a little crack pipe on her nightstand.
[223] Oh.
[224] So, you know, not a lot of questions there.
[225] So I'm photographing everything as it was when I arrived, which is the first part.
[226] And then you do a lot of things before you even get to the actual decedent.
[227] So then once we got to that portion, we pulled down the covers and she was completely naked.
[228] And you could tell that she had very fake boobs.
[229] And so when you pulled down that covers, it was like, oh, okay.
[230] They're just kind of sitting there.
[231] Yeah, they don't.
[232] They didn't go to the side.
[233] They weren't kind of like, you know, because as you age, things happen, gravity, you know, these had not been affected.
[234] We're in Los Angeles right now, so no. That's a fresh boob.
[235] We're quite familiar with this phenomenon.
[236] Those things don't move.
[237] I'm sure you are, but, you know, it's just this little old lady in a crack pipe.
[238] I'm like, okay, whatever, she's wearing her little, you know, matching pajamas or whatever little old ladies wear to bed.
[239] But you pull down the covers and, holy smokes, it is not that.
[240] Boing, yeah, these things pop up.
[241] That's right.
[242] That's right.
[243] You know, your eyes kind of, oh, louisga, oh, yeah, yeah, a whole bit.
[244] So that was the most surprising thing.
[245] Sure.
[246] No, but what I'm saying is, so did she, I mean, she was in her.
[247] late early 80s, early 90s, did she die naturally and happened to be smoking crack?
[248] Or was the crack?
[249] I mean, first of all, she could have been taking the crack for glaucoma.
[250] That's right.
[251] That's right.
[252] I mean, there's a lot of elderly.
[253] No. No one takes crack.
[254] You know what?
[255] Forget that.
[256] That's something I just thought of.
[257] That's not what my drug is usually.
[258] Yeah.
[259] I take black tar heroin for glaucoma.
[260] For your joints?
[261] Yeah.
[262] I take it from my lumbago.
[263] No one said lumbago in like 50 years.
[264] Kahnem, why are you taking so much heroin?
[265] It's for my lumbago.
[266] Lumbago is like in, literally if you made that in the 1950s, if there was a sketch, someone would like hold their back and go, oh, my lumbago.
[267] I don't know what it is.
[268] That doesn't sound real.
[269] Yeah.
[270] Oh, man. Anyway, I took us again down a strange road.
[271] Yeah.
[272] Did you determine the cause of death?
[273] Was it just being late 80s, early 90s?
[274] It appeared to be natural in the way that, you know, she was kind of living life in the fast lane.
[275] And, you know, maybe it caught up with her a little bit.
[276] Yeah, but caught up to her in her early 90s.
[277] I think she won.
[278] Well, that's true.
[279] I mean, you know what I'm saying?
[280] Yeah, she's got her boobies.
[281] She's got her crack.
[282] She's in a good place.
[283] I'd want to go like that.
[284] That's the way to go.
[285] That's a really good point, guys.
[286] I have not really thought of it that way.
[287] She's naked.
[288] She does crack naked?
[289] Well, that's how you do crack.
[290] I've never done crack any other way.
[291] Everyone does crack naked.
[292] Every now and then there's a little spark or an ember and you don't want it, you know, getting on your flannels.
[293] But you want it on your skin?
[294] Burn yourself?
[295] Oh, right.
[296] On your boobies?
[297] On your fake boobes?
[298] Yeah.
[299] What about that skin?
[300] It's not stretching.
[301] Okay, okay, okay.
[302] Let's move off of this crime scene.
[303] I'm fascinated by all this.
[304] Have you ever had a moment that, I mean, in TV, it's always, it looks kind of normal.
[305] And then the investigator says, wait a minute and opens the corpse's mouth.
[306] Decedents, I think you said, opens the corpse's mouth.
[307] And there's a little note in there that says, ha, ha, see you next time.
[308] And then they're often running.
[309] It's never that cool and fascinating, right?
[310] It's usually pretty apparent what happened.
[311] Yes and no. So, sometimes there's, like, for example, I had someone who hadn't been found for a very long time.
[312] So they were in a, you know, very far along in their decomposition.
[313] And so we couldn't, at the time it was, we knew that he had lots and lots of health problems and he had been taking care of himself.
[314] And this was a situation where when the body is so decomposed that you maybe can't tell if there are any.
[315] injuries that could have been caused by a homicide, we want to go in and take pictures of that and just to make sure.
[316] And so we were kind of looking at him and he looked, you know, he just looked like maybe it was a health -related issue.
[317] But then I stepped to the other side of the room on the other side of the bed where on the other side of his body and there was a gun right there by his hand.
[318] So it was kind of like, okay, well, where's the gunshot wound?
[319] And so we...
[320] And if the body is decomposed enough, You probably need to take some kind of x -rays or scan to find out if there's been a bullet wound.
[321] Right.
[322] So that's going to be the medical examiner's job.
[323] So the medical examiner investigator will come out.
[324] It's a nice job that you knew that.
[325] No, I'm just inferring that that would be what you have to do.
[326] No, we actually have a machine that's like men in black that just moves.
[327] And then we can tell exactly where it is.
[328] It's pretty cool.
[329] No, is it true?
[330] Do you have any kind of device that can?
[331] But how do you determine?
[332] Can you determine on the scene if there's a bullet wound, even if there's an advanced state of decomposition?
[333] Well, usually the medical examiner comes a response to a scene like that.
[334] And they're weirder than crime scene investigators because they touch the body and they deal with that.
[335] And so they'll get right in there and just start mushing on the head and figure out where there may be an issue.
[336] They're animals.
[337] Is there black light?
[338] Do you look for liquids?
[339] So I just recently, we call it an alternate light source, so you can use that terminology now.
[340] But the other day I went into work and there was a scene that we had at a hotel and I had to go and use what is commonly known as a black light in a hotel room, which was not particularly fun.
[341] Did you just see because that if it's a hotel and if it's not carefully maintained and cleaned regularly you're going to see all kinds of it's going to probably look like a jackson pollock painting in there it did it's a decent it was a decent hotel and it still did not look great how do you know which ones are fresh do you smell do you smell it what do you mean what you what do you mean which ones are fresh like if there's a lot of deans how do you know which ones are fresh do you go and you don't smell no she's not a sommelier no no we we son that's a really interesting question.
[342] We just take a little sample and rub it on our gum.
[343] The Somalié of blood and semen.
[344] I'm getting notes.
[345] Or urine.
[346] Pacific Northwest.
[347] I'm getting some oak.
[348] Getting some oak.
[349] This is a 2015 vintage.
[350] Very nicely aged.
[351] This would pair well with Chateau -Briand.
[352] With perhaps a white drug of some kind.
[353] You're very funny, Alan.
[354] She's very, she's got a great sense of humor.
[355] You've got a great sense of humor.
[356] You have to be to do this kind of thing.
[357] You know, it's interesting.
[358] I've always been afraid that someday I'll go be hiking in the woods or something and I'll have a heart attack or something.
[359] I'll die and they'll find me and they say he was found in an advanced state of decomposition and then someone will realize, no, he only died about two hours ago.
[360] That's just what he looks like.
[361] That's just his face.
[362] He was very pale.
[363] His lips had turned thin, his eyes, beady.
[364] His hair was distorted into a weird mop, an advanced state of decomposition.
[365] And new boobs.
[366] Well, that's why I went for the walk.
[367] I wanted to try out my new double D's.
[368] One of our big jokes is that, the people who always end up finding bodies in the woods are mushroom hunters.
[369] People who go out and hunt for mushrooms.
[370] They're in places that people don't, you know, normally walk around it.
[371] Yeah, they're rooting around.
[372] Right.
[373] And then usually they will be a little decomposed.
[374] So if you're going to go into the woods and die, might I suggest that you stay on the trail and then you might not, you know, end up being found all bloated.
[375] Or a hike in a truffle -rich environment.
[376] You'll be found very quickly.
[377] Pigs.
[378] Pigs would find you in that case, I think.
[379] Yeah.
[380] But after a few chumps, a few, they would probably report the crime.
[381] What if the mushroom hunters are a big network of murderers?
[382] Well, that's what I was, you know, at Sona, I was thinking the exact same thing, which was, I might get into mushroom hunting.
[383] It's a fantastic alibi.
[384] We'll also, to the bigger point, commit a crime, then find the body.
[385] and then there's a reason why there's my DNA on the body like I handled the body because when I first saw it I thought maybe the person was okay now I know the seventh time I find a dead body it's going to start to look suspicious but this is listen I think I'm on to something when I do murder I will be truffle hunting I will have established that it's I'm going to start talking about it a lot on the podcast Oh I love my truffle hunting and then I will kill someone and then I'll call the police and say, I was truffle hunting, found the body.
[386] They'll come and they'll say your fingerprints are on the neck.
[387] And I'll say, right, I was checking his carotid pulse to see if he was alive.
[388] I guess I'm innocent.
[389] Yeah.
[390] Don't do that voice.
[391] You just checked it really hard.
[392] Yeah.
[393] Yeah, I checked his pulse very hard for two and a half minutes.
[394] Oh.
[395] You know exactly how long it takes to kill someone?
[396] Well, they'll pass out.
[397] It takes longer than that, I think.
[398] Does it?
[399] Yeah.
[400] Yeah, that's like, well, to actually cause permanent brain damage, I'll get into it later.
[401] Okay.
[402] Why do you, do you really know that?
[403] Sona, there was a period of time a few years ago and I was really mad at you.
[404] I have a whole notebook.
[405] If you are going to murder someone, how do you get rid of the body?
[406] Well, you know, I knew y 'all would ask me that, and that is a totally fair question.
[407] I have a little trouble imparting this information to Conan.
[408] Oh, please.
[409] I don't want to be a party to any, you know, murder that may take place.
[410] However, if we can - Right now, I absolve you.
[411] I will not call you into the, I will not, I absolve you, and I will not bring you into the court case when I am captured.
[412] Okay.
[413] I have another proposal, though.
[414] If we can, if we can exchange, you know, have a little quid pro quo here, I can give you some tips if you can help me fulfill my lifelong dream of being a dead body on law and order oh is law or still on i think so yeah still going here i guess running show yeah yeah come on what you have to know someone to do it i've i'll do it i'll do what i can look around i'll try and get you to be a dead body on law and order do i know how that happens do i have I mean, look, I know Dick Wolfe, and so I could, I could ask around.
[415] Yeah.
[416] He seems like the guy to talk to.
[417] Yeah, since he created it.
[418] Yeah.
[419] Okay, so in that case, I will tell you that the best ways to really, you know, kind of screw things up for the people on my side is, you know, fire and water.
[420] Okay.
[421] Those are going to be, and really, honestly, you just have to get lucky because there's the technology now.
[422] I mean, it's just really, it's really hard to get away with it at this point.
[423] I mean, truly.
[424] I think what beats fire?
[425] It's just got to be really intense, sustained fire, like crematory fire.
[426] Yeah, and that's really hard to do, you know, so people who, you know, kill somebody and then set a fire and then, you know, like, they'll close all the doors in the car and then it just.
[427] immediately goes out, and then you're just left with, oh, someone tried to destroy evidence here, you know.
[428] Yeah.
[429] All right.
[430] Well, all we've done is educate a lot of murderers out there, Alan.
[431] So I don't know.
[432] I have a feeling it's already out there.
[433] You know, there's probably some blog that tells people how to do all of this.
[434] So I'm not too concerned.
[435] Right.
[436] And that's another thing, don't do.
[437] Don't go on the internet.
[438] Yeah.
[439] You don't want to be going to buying a lot of bad stuff.
[440] Yeah.
[441] Duct tape.
[442] Right.
[443] Murder and rope, which is a special kind of rope.
[444] How to bury a body.
[445] But I've read, I mean, I've read stories where the wife or the husband went on websites.
[446] I know.
[447] How to poison.
[448] Your search history.
[449] Yeah.
[450] I mean, and that's embarrassing because there's other things you search for.
[451] Yeah.
[452] Yeah.
[453] Well, this has been.
[454] I mean, computer forensics is, you know, a whole other thing and they can figure out all secret.
[455] So don't Google it, comment.
[456] Well, it's too late.
[457] Now, I'm curious.
[458] Do you have a question for me or do we already answer it?
[459] No, actually.
[460] I was wondering if you guys could kind of talk amongst yourselves and figure out out of the gang here, who would, do you think would make the best CSI?
[461] Oh, that's a really good question I think you I think I would be pretty good Because you already know so much about it And I mean, I feel I feel like I'd be a close second Because I watch so much forensic files and snapped So I feel like that qualifies me Yes, snapped I'm going to say that I have a really And this is where we may differ I have a very Strong work ethic Okay And no, I think you might show up at a crime scene and go like, oh, this looks really bad.
[462] Hey, who wants Taco Bell?
[463] And then step on the body and go out to Taco Bell and then come back.
[464] And you're spilling your chalupa all over the body.
[465] Your Baja blast goes flying.
[466] You're like, your Baja blast explodes all over the wall.
[467] And, you know, I think I would be there.
[468] Well, you'd be bad too.
[469] because they'd be like, oh, it's like the crime happened in two minutes and you'd be like, more like my wedding night and then you'd be like, it sounds like my wedding night.
[470] You got to do the joke right.
[471] I'm sorry.
[472] They got the job done in two minutes.
[473] It sounds like my wedding night.
[474] But you would also be really good at like taking off the sunglasses before you said that joke.
[475] Yes.
[476] I had a scene where a guy was killed with a samurai sword and I was telling my mother about it and she said, well, that sounds pretty cut and dry, and she thought she was being very funny.
[477] Right, right.
[478] And so you could do the glasses and say, it looks pretty cut and dry to me. So your mother is David Caruso.
[479] She likes to think of herself that way.
[480] She also watches a lot of, you know, if I came on the scene and you were kneeling over the body and you said they were dispatched with in two minutes and left a horrible scene behind, I'd say, sounds like my wedding night.
[481] You know?
[482] There it is.
[483] Then you've got it.
[484] Would there be a laugh track?
[485] That's why you do what you do.
[486] David would be with me, dressed in a black suit, and he would have a little tape recorder, and he would press a button and be a laugh track.
[487] Or no, the law and order.
[488] Well, that's CSI.
[489] You would have a guy who's a drone operator, too, who, like, does that very cinematic shot after you do that.
[490] Swoops down.
[491] Yeah, yeah, like.
[492] Well, Alan, I'm very impressed with you.
[493] You sound, first of all, very good at what you do and that makes me happy and highly intelligent and also you're really funny.
[494] Do you do improv ever just for fun?
[495] Oh, no. Well, try it at the next crime scene, you know?
[496] Oh, well, yeah.
[497] I mean, there's a little bit of that going on.
[498] I mean, you just have you have to keep it a little lighthearted because otherwise we would just be drinking beer and crying in the shower.
[499] Yeah.
[500] What if it gets way too lighthearted?
[501] You're all staying around.
[502] Well, yeah, it can.
[503] It's got like seven arrows sticking out of it.
[504] And you guys are like, arrows.
[505] Looks like Custer's last stand.
[506] Well, Alan, it was really nice.
[507] I'll keep that in mind.
[508] If I have any luck with the Law & Order people, we'll reach out to you.
[509] I'm sure it won't be what's all cracked up to be.
[510] You'd have to fly to New York.
[511] They'll probably, you'll have to do it at your own expense, I'm sure.
[512] You'll have to lie on a lot for a long time.
[513] would do it in a heartbeat.
[514] Oh, well, the whole point is not to have a heartbeat.
[515] Ew.
[516] You've screwed that up.
[517] Alan, thank you so much.
[518] It was really nice meeting you.
[519] Thank you.
[520] Oh, it's nice to meet you guys.
[521] Yes, and if I am dispatched with by a murderer, I hope you're on the scene because you'll catch them.
[522] Oh, now that is the ultimate, the ultimate honor for a crime investigator.
[523] No, no, no. No, you should say Conan.
[524] I don't want you to do.
[525] guy.
[526] It's not, oh, what an honor.
[527] I can't wait.
[528] I mean.
[529] Thanks very much, Alan.
[530] You were great.
[531] Thank you.
[532] Bye.
[533] Thanks, guys.
[534] Bye.
[535] I don't O 'Brien needs a fan with Conan O 'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley produced by me Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sacks Joanna Solitaireoff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf Music by Jimmy Vivino Supervising producer Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate Associate producer Sean Doherty and Lisa Birm Engineering by Eduardo Perez Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[536] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.