Al Franken Returns

[0] sizing you up it's the buildup she can't handle the buildup oh will that help just nothing whenever you're ready oh yeah hi my name is Al Franken and I feel privileged about being Conan O 'Brien's friend Fall is here Ring the bell Brand his shoes Walking loose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends We are going to be friends Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend Sitting here with my companions, my friends They would do anything from me I can't say that I would reciprocate but Sonam of Sessian Hi Matt Gourley Good to see you sir Hi I have to tell you I did a lot of traveling recently I've been all over the world on a special project and then came back and had to do some work on the east coast on the way back and then flew here and I came down with quite a cold sounds like it and here's the thing that I like when I get a cold I prefer my voice I think this is a better voice Edwardo why don't you weigh in Yeah, I love it.

[1] I think you should always have a cold.

[2] Okay.

[3] So you're saying, yeah.

[4] And Edward, I'll be honest, you're saying my natural speaking voice.

[5] It's just more soothing.

[6] It's easier to like mix.

[7] Because, you know, when you normally speak, it kind of gets up here a little bit.

[8] Yeah, yeah.

[9] But this is, you know, nice and cool.

[10] No, this is nice.

[11] And I have this register right here.

[12] And it just feels good.

[13] And so I'm wondering, how can I keep this going all the time?

[14] Because I prefer this.

[15] And so I don't know what to do.

[16] One would be to constantly re -infect myself.

[17] Yeah, I think that's your best thing.

[18] To hire sickly children to cough into my open mouth.

[19] Yeah, but also your immune system will get better.

[20] And eventually you'll never get sick again.

[21] And then you'll never have this voice again.

[22] I think if you scream, wake up and scream every morning.

[23] I don't think that's going to do it.

[24] You know, smoke.

[25] Smoke.

[26] You think I should start smoking?

[27] Maybe that would do it.

[28] What if we just have you record like a bunch of random sayings while you're feeling this way?

[29] While I'm feeling this way, this is Conan recovering from a cold and maybe we should just record some stuff now that we can use in the future.

[30] Let's try some.

[31] How about, yo, Adrian, give me that.

[32] Yo, Adrian, pretty good.

[33] How about this?

[34] What we want are we want little phrases that will fit nicely into almost any interview Things like, oh, yeah, I hear you.

[35] I've never heard you say that.

[36] You've never said that.

[37] Now you're taking on a persona you want to be, but that's not who you are.

[38] No, but you could still slip that in if we have someone who's talking on the show on the podcast, you could just slide that in.

[39] But how's this going to work if normally you have your regular voice and then it just goes into this?

[40] Well, people hear it and they'll just think, oh, that's the real Conan.

[41] You think people will think this is the real you And then you make your voice that other way I do hope you come back soon That's a good one to just slide in there And you want me to slide that somewhere in the middle of the interview?

[42] Yeah, just in the middle of an interview with Henry Kissinger I suddenly he's taught like Henry Kissinger I do sound like Henry Kissinger Yeah, I just think it's We should try and get as many of these as possible Do you feel different?

[43] Hold on a second.

[44] I'll say, what about like a cockaroo in this voice?

[45] How about this?

[46] Katakai is God made her.

[47] That's pretty good.

[48] How about this one?

[49] A cockaroo.

[50] This is when you could, hey, this has been a great episode.

[51] I've enjoyed it.

[52] If you've enjoyed it half as much, well, you probably had an orgasm.

[53] Oh.

[54] That took a hard left turn.

[55] Hard left turn.

[56] Yeah.

[57] Tell you something else that took the hard left turn.

[58] What took a hard left turn?

[59] I didn't say that.

[60] You did say that.

[61] Guys, let's get a...

[62] Your personality is changing with this voice.

[63] I think that you're changing as a human being.

[64] Hey, hey, Sona.

[65] Yeah.

[66] You're looking fine today.

[67] Ew.

[68] What's wrong with that?

[69] I don't know.

[70] That felt weird.

[71] I don't like that.

[72] Also, your posture's changed.

[73] I know.

[74] You're all like, I don't like this guy.

[75] You're like Don Imus.

[76] You're missing a cigarette.

[77] Yeah.

[78] No, it's okay.

[79] No, this guy sucks.

[80] I'm wearing athleisure wear come on no that guy would not say athleisure wear that guy's cool oh yeah um well I guess the point is maybe it's doesn't work but I do think we should try and record as much as possible I should probably try and get a book on tape deal while I have this voice you know what I mean but then what if you get better as you're doing it no no I'll trust me I know how to sustain this cold for a little while longer if I could just get a good book, you know, maybe one of those sort of a real sensual novel.

[81] I think that would be fantastic.

[82] No one's buying it.

[83] Because I can't even imagine you doing, you saying like a sex book without like feeling very uncomfortable by it.

[84] When I have this cold, I'm not uncomfortable about anything.

[85] This cold has literally changed my personality.

[86] Give us a little a sample of the sex book.

[87] I didn't think you'd be here, she said.

[88] I thought I'd never see you again.

[89] I made it clear.

[90] I'm here because I saw in your eyes.

[91] You want me to be here.

[92] That's so arousing.

[93] This dialogue.

[94] Hold it.

[95] I'm not done.

[96] I am.

[97] I'm not done.

[98] Wait, you saw it in my eyes?

[99] Yes, I looked into your eyes, and I saw that you wished me to come by.

[100] And I could tell the way your eyes were that you wanted me to come by.

[101] No, this textbook sucks.

[102] There's not even, no one's undressing yet.

[103] When is someone going to undress?

[104] That's 40 pages from me. Oh, my God.

[105] What is it about my eyes that makes you think that?

[106] She asked, widening her eyes.

[107] Well, I have to say, it's just a quality the eyes have.

[108] Oh, God.

[109] No, come on.

[110] when the light hits them a certain way.

[111] Plus, some people have a lot of veins in their eyes.

[112] Oh, pass.

[113] But you don't.

[114] You're relatively vain clear.

[115] So that's what made me think.

[116] Cut to 40 pages later.

[117] Hey!

[118] Okay, if that's what you wish, zip, thwabababab, shababab.

[119] But it's not what you think it was.

[120] He unzipped his pants and just pudding fell out.

[121] Yeah, he was keeping pudding in his pants.

[122] What a waste of a good voice.

[123] I know.

[124] I can't even do an erotic thing for eight seconds.

[125] Can you laugh in this register?

[126] Oh, Jesus.

[127] That's right.

[128] Ha, ha, ha, ha.

[129] Good one, guest.

[130] Let's use that.

[131] How about this?

[132] Ha, ha.

[133] Good one, guest.

[134] Hey, he, guest.

[135] What would an interview subject do during the interview you said?

[136] Hello, guest, or good one, guest.

[137] Well, we want to make sure we can use this as much as possible.

[138] I understand that.

[139] So how about this?

[140] I'll do, I'll do.

[141] Oh, yeah, guest.

[142] Yeah.

[143] Loving it.

[144] Loving it.

[145] Keep it going.

[146] Hey, that was a great anecdote, guest.

[147] Can't wait to hear more after this brief commercial for a kind of software I don't understand.

[148] And we're back, Conan O 'Brien here with guest, and we are killing it.

[149] I think I'm worried about you.

[150] Why?

[151] I don't know.

[152] I just feel like maybe this time you've gone too far.

[153] Okay.

[154] Maybe I have.

[155] Yeah.

[156] I apologize.

[157] It's the cold.

[158] I don't know.

[159] I just, I like it.

[160] I don't know.

[161] Maybe we can do something with this.

[162] It is cool.

[163] No, I think it's really cool.

[164] It sounds really.

[165] I do prefer this to your regular voice.

[166] Try some classic action hero lines and see if it matches like Yippie Kaya motherfucker.

[167] You'd be a motherfucker That's pretty good Okay Give me a couple I don't remember I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder You're referencing a commercial Nobody remembers What is that It's a battery ad from 977 Okay this has gone too far Yeah That you owe everybody an apology man Yeah Robert Conrad Are you?

[168] Oh my God What are you doing?

[169] It's me Puddin Pants That's the worst So bad Sona do you have like a sexy voice yourself It has to be sexy voice yourself?

[170] Oh I've seen I've been with Sona I've been with Sona in her single days when She would find someone attractive and she would do it all with her face It would be a lot of giggling No but you would do a lot of pointing You would point your face and move it in different angles And your eyes would get very wide I know yeah it was really fun to watch Let's have a quick conversation The conversation of the three of us in sexy voice.

[171] All right, here we go.

[172] All right.

[173] Sexy lawyer.

[174] Hey, everybody.

[175] How's going?

[176] Hey, man, it's going pretty good.

[177] Hi.

[178] I'm sorry about your throat cancer.

[179] Hey, man, it's all right.

[180] I'm sorry about your tongue octomy.

[181] Well, they reattached the tongue using a rubber one, so I'm fine now.

[182] Stop being sexy so fast.

[183] Yeah.

[184] Do you guys want to have sex or something?

[185] No, I do not.

[186] No, me either.

[187] That's not how sexy people ask.

[188] No. If they want to have sex.

[189] Oh, really?

[190] How do they, will you ask us how to have sex with us?

[191] What a fuck?

[192] Jesus.

[193] Now I'm going back to my regular voice.

[194] Jesus.

[195] Oh, my.

[196] Oh, my stars and garters.

[197] Fresh.

[198] Jesus Christ.

[199] The hell, Sona.

[200] Well.

[201] Mother of two.

[202] What the hell is wrong with you?

[203] How do you think she became?

[204] We were all doing sexy.

[205] You guys were really bad at it.

[206] You guys were so bad at it.

[207] What?

[208] You guys were.

[209] I don't think so.

[210] Not the sound quality, but the shit you guys were saying was so stupid.

[211] Well, what I'd like to know is if there's a way, Eduardo, the real takeaway from this is that people do prefer this voice.

[212] And so we've got to figure out away from my lungs to fail more often.

[213] So work on that.

[214] Maybe there's something in the technology we could do.

[215] Yeah, I think I can copy and paste for later.

[216] Oh, good.

[217] No. All right.

[218] That's sad that that made sense to me. All right.

[219] Well, listen, guys, we've got to get into it.

[220] Give this the sexiest reading you possible.

[221] Here we go.

[222] Oh, God.

[223] My guest today is a comedian, writer, and former U .S. Senator.

[224] Oh, God.

[225] Hold me back.

[226] Who is this?

[227] That really narrows it down.

[228] Oh, God.

[229] He was one of the original writers for Saturday Night Live and the author of four, number one New York Times bestsellers.

[230] Hi, Poppy!

[231] He currently hosts his own podcast, the Al Franken podcast.

[232] I'm thrilled he's here today.

[233] Al Franken, welcome.

[234] We go back a long way.

[235] We do.

[236] I met you in February.

[237] No, you didn't let me finish, 1988.

[238] February of 1988, I showed up at Saturday Night Live, and you were, I was so nervous, and you have a very distinctive, hearty laugh.

[239] And I remember you early on laughing at something I said, and it made me feel a lot better.

[240] And I felt like, okay, that's the start.

[241] Laster is the oxygen of comedy.

[242] Yes.

[243] Okay.

[244] I guess that's true.

[245] So there's evidently bad thinks there's some oxygen in the room.

[246] Apparently very little.

[247] I don't think a mice.

[248] I don't think mice could live in this environment if that's.

[249] That's the level we're going to go for.

[250] Carvey said that to me. Laughter is the oxygen of comedy.

[251] Dana Carvey, who was in our podcast studio just a few hours ago doing something for us.

[252] He is the oxygen of comedy.

[253] He is.

[254] You've got to change it so not everything's oxygen.

[255] You know, so yes, laughter's the oxygen of comedy.

[256] And then Dana Carvey maybe is the sun around which other.

[257] laughs revolve the hydrogen of comedy oh okay we're this is a terrible podcast already i'm gonna get it back on track okay and just say that uh that i got to know you all those years ago and uh we've remained very good friends yeah and but the the thing is the privilege part is that you're a really good guy oh i know yeah they don't like it when that comes up on the show that i might okay let's Take it back.

[258] No, I mean, it's the thing.

[259] I mean, you play your character on this show.

[260] That's not a character.

[261] But it's so close to your character.

[262] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[263] But there's a spin on it, which is you embrace all your faults, which are very real.

[264] Yeah.

[265] And too numerous to mention.

[266] No, well, thank God.

[267] Yeah.

[268] So you have something for you guys to talk.

[269] about.

[270] But the weird part is, is that you're a very, what am I saying?

[271] I'm saying stuff that's so obvious that you're very aware of the stuff.

[272] And of course, you wouldn't be able to be funny about your faults unless you're aware of them.

[273] Yeah.

[274] That's good.

[275] There we go.

[276] Yeah.

[277] Okay.

[278] But then, that was not the oxygen.

[279] No, no, no. But also just really stick the landing on, but also a great guy.

[280] Huh.

[281] That, you know.

[282] Oh, that's right.

[283] Yeah, yeah.

[284] Yeah.

[285] Okay, good, good, good.

[286] Okay, I think we got what we need for this interview.

[287] I do think your instinct, not your instinct, but you can be so good at being bad if you wanted to.

[288] And I don't think anyone's better at just being just, you know, like just, like pressing buttons like you do.

[289] Oh, I learned.

[290] I came from a kiln, a kiln in Brookline, Massachusetts.

[291] They packed a bunch of crazy Irish people together in a very small.

[292] space and that's where you get this Frankenstein so blame it on them it's like you're an addict to evil but you're sober but you could you could like fall off the wagon at any time you know what I mean he's this close yeah yeah yeah yeah this close to really just being the worst guy I'm more of a Stalin guy you know I like agricultural plans that don't work.

[293] Devastate a whole generation.

[294] Anyway, let's make the focus you, Al, which is you are such a funny guy and you have made this turn.

[295] I'm on tour.

[296] You're, but that's what I was going to get to is you've made this tour to stand up.

[297] Now, you've been in the business a long time, your sketch writer, famously you perform for many years on the show, but your experience going in front of live audiences used to be with your partner, Tom Davis.

[298] What happened was after I left the Senate, I started doing speeches, and I realized that my speeches were like 80 % funny.

[299] And then 20 % was, we got to win, we got to beat Trump.

[300] And if we do Bernie, I love Bernie, I serve with Bernie, Bernie's great, I understand single payer, I backed a single payer, and Bernie was saying, there'll be no private insurance.

[301] And people would like their private insurance and also their employer pay for it, basically.

[302] Right.

[303] And what you'll get is something you've never seen.

[304] And you don't know what it is.

[305] But I guarantee, you know, and then, you know, there's a reason for that.

[306] The British system is great.

[307] But every other country has universal health care and other than they all have some private health insurance.

[308] So I was that, and then 80 % was fun, was like, I went, oh, well, this is stand -up.

[309] Yeah.

[310] And I admire stand -up so much.

[311] Sure, yeah.

[312] That's the thing.

[313] I've been watching a lot of stand -ups, but none of them do public policy at all.

[314] No, Sinbad did for a while.

[315] Sinbad would crush with public policy.

[316] You know, this is the, this is, you know, this is, you know, We've known each other for a long time, and I've seen you through, I think, a dispassionate lens where I can say there was this period in the Senate where you needed to be serious.

[317] Yeah, they said, don't be funny.

[318] They said, don't be funny.

[319] And so.

[320] Don't be funny.

[321] Don't be funny on the floor.

[322] Right.

[323] Be funny in hearings.

[324] Don't be funny.

[325] Don't be funny.

[326] No jokes.

[327] No sarcasm because the other side, whoever that is, can take that out of conscience.

[328] just read it and it can it was more it well that was true well that was true but it was also more you won by 312 votes right and people in minnesota want you to be want to know that you're serious about this yeah and i went yeah no shit and i didn't really internalize it at first so i tell the story and well the first day i'm there i get sworn in go back to my office first day in my office.

[329] I've never been in the, you know, take the subway back to the office, go to the heart building, get in my office.

[330] There's a sheet on my paper, on my desk, and I learned that one of your duties as a senator is to write congratulatory notes to constituents.

[331] And this first note is to Ruth Anderson, who's turning 110.

[332] She's from Marshall, Minnesota.

[333] She's turning 110.

[334] So I've been told, don't be funny.

[335] So I get out my official stationer, use it for the first time.

[336] I write, dear Ruth, you have a bright future.

[337] And then someone put that in the shredder.

[338] Yeah.

[339] Close.

[340] My new assistant, who I had never, hadn't met, comes in.

[341] Well, I met her, but I hadn't worked with her.

[342] She takes it and brings it to my new chief staff, who I selected.

[343] And he says, what is this?

[344] And I said, it's a joke.

[345] Yeah.

[346] Uh -huh.

[347] You think Ruth Anderson will find it funny?

[348] I said, I don't know.

[349] She's 110.

[350] And he said, I'm sorry.

[351] He said, do you think her family will find it funny?

[352] And I went, oh, yeah.

[353] And I started thinking about her 90 -year -old son reading it.

[354] but see what I'm trying to get to is for those of us who knew you and you worked so hard at being a senator and taking it very seriously and really doing the work and you and of course but it was interesting of course for me to see you I just keep saying that of course it was interesting to see you at that time because I knew that you had to restrain this whole other side of you, which was really funny because you can't, you really can't be doing that if you're in the Senate.

[355] And then now I see that you're just back to hitting on all cylinders, comedically.

[356] I'd say on three out of four.

[357] I'm trying to hit on all films.

[358] No, it's like a 12 -cylinder engine and you're hitting on three cylinders.

[359] It's a, we're talking about a classic.

[360] I like to say eight.

[361] Three and four.

[362] But no, I think I'm hitting, I'm doing, I'm, I'm doing a pillow by.

[363] So, two cylinders.

[364] Two cylinders now.

[365] You're now down to two out of 12.

[366] Oh, boy.

[367] The car is smoking.

[368] It's not even moving.

[369] It was interesting.

[370] Like the second week I'm there, there's a Supreme Court here.

[371] And I'm on the judiciary committee and Sotomayor.

[372] And Amy Klobuchar, who is my senior senator, who was a prosecutor, I asked her like, why did you become a prosecutor?

[373] And she said, well, because I watched Perry Mason as a, and I watched Perry Mason too.

[374] And so when it got to me, I just said, why, if you watch Perry Mason, a case, a show in which the prosecutor lost every case.

[375] Yes, every single case.

[376] And she goes, actually, Burger 1 -1 case.

[377] Yeah, that was a prosecutor.

[378] And so I said, okay, well, look, I got 30 minutes of questioning.

[379] So let's get to that.

[380] And then at the end, I had like, I had about a minute left and I couldn't develop a new line of questioning.

[381] So I said, okay, as long as we're at it, what case did Perry Mason lose?

[382] Yeah.

[383] And she said, I don't know.

[384] And I said, just because I'm trained like you, I just said, didn't the White House prepare you?

[385] Which, of course.

[386] Didn't they prepare you on TV trivia?

[387] Well, she offered it as a piece of information and then couldn't follow up, so that was very damaging.

[388] But, and then, but what the point about that is, I just got killed for that.

[389] Really?

[390] Does Al Franken have to be funny?

[391] Yeah, yeah.

[392] And it was, as you know, it was just, I didn't go, okay, I will ask her.

[393] Yeah.

[394] Why she became a prosecutor.

[395] because Amy hadn't asked them.

[396] And then she will say Perry Mason.

[397] And then she'll say, well, how did you become?

[398] At what point, because I know that you know your history well, at what point were we not allowed to be funny anymore in our political discourse?

[399] I mean, real politicians, I'm not talking about wags on the sidelines, but there have been some quite.

[400] There's a kind of funny you're supposed to be.

[401] right or can be and sometimes it's funny like everyone hates me because i say lindsay graham was the funniest sona just hates me right now i saw that in your eyes i don't hate you i'm just confused well uh he has a quick sense of humor he has a uh a sharp sense of humor he does and his sense of humor is i'm very cynical so i'll give me an example i'm going to uh we're taking a break for winter vacation for christmas vacation and he says oh you're going anywhere, take your family for son.

[402] I said, I'm going to Vieques, which is Puerto Rico.

[403] And he goes like, do two immediately, boom, do two fundraisers, one for the people who are for statehood, one for the people who are against, they never talk to each other.

[404] Oh my God.

[405] Every one of his jokes is, I'm the most cynical guy in the world.

[406] Yeah.

[407] And he's proving that, actually.

[408] He has been, day in and day out.

[409] He, yeah.

[410] Yeah.

[411] Last time I talked to him, I said, why are you for Trump?

[412] And I know the answer to that, which is he wants to be relevant.

[413] So that's what he did.

[414] Well, I called you once because I just didn't understand during some of the intense, and this is really saying something, I just qualified during the intense Trump craziness.

[415] I don't even know what that.

[416] But something happened.

[417] And of course, everyone was falling in line behind him.

[418] And I happen to know that you know some of these people like Lindsey Graham.

[419] and you just don't understand.

[420] I mean, that I didn't understand, but I knew that you knew him.

[421] So I called you up.

[422] And I said, now, couldn't he say, look, we've gone too far.

[423] And so, you know, and you went, no!

[424] That's not what he's going to do!

[425] And you were right.

[426] Yeah, I mean, he's won east of South Carolina.

[427] So, you know, if you're going to get reelected in South Carolina, what are you going to do?

[428] And also, every other Republican who did that, and Flake or Corker or anyone like that, That was gone.

[429] Yeah.

[430] Cheney.

[431] Well, she voted along Trump lines very, very, you know, 90 -some percent of the time.

[432] So politically, they're aligned, but she, yeah, after January 6th.

[433] After the attempted insurrection.

[434] I have a feeling that we should look into this.

[435] Yeah, after that, it was amazing to me that only 10 Republicans voted for impeachment.

[436] And I thought that any of them were going like, Well, of course.

[437] How can you not vote for this?

[438] And now, you know, the Republican National Committee, not so long ago, said that January 6th was, quote, legitimate political discourse.

[439] Now, by the way, just so that you know that Conan and his show aren't, don't have a political bias, they all, none of them had any reaction.

[440] Oh, I totally.

[441] I'm just letting, I just, I agree.

[442] Oh, yeah, we all do.

[443] Wait, what?

[444] No, I'm...

[445] Sona, we'll handle this.

[446] Oh, okay.

[447] I'm just a woman.

[448] I'm just going to sit over here, quite.

[449] The men are talking, Sona.

[450] And it was just discourse.

[451] Legitimate...

[452] The guy with the buffalo head.

[453] The beating over the head.

[454] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[455] Yeah.

[456] But anyway, so I remember when they took that vote, I was going like, well, how can you be damaged politically by voting for impeachment?

[457] Yeah.

[458] That was pretty obvious, and 10 of them did.

[459] And I think probably all 10 went like, well, this is the right thing to do.

[460] And it's obvious, isn't it?

[461] Everybody, huh, ha, ha, ah.

[462] And now they're in the private sector.

[463] Yeah.

[464] Do you time travel a lot in your head when you're watching everything that's unfolding and think, okay, if I was back there right now, what would I be doing?

[465] How would I be fighting this fight?

[466] Yeah.

[467] It's painful.

[468] It's painful.

[469] I regret resigning and all that.

[470] And it's very painful to watch.

[471] But, you know, I, you know, especially when we were seeing, I was relieved at the election.

[472] That wasn't the red wave everyone thought.

[473] Frannie, my wife, you know, Frannie.

[474] It's as if Americans said, stop it.

[475] You know, you know, this whole election denial and stuff.

[476] But you saw what happened in the house.

[477] It was kind of a squeezy time.

[478] Yeah.

[479] Do you, I know you have, you're a great -granddad.

[480] I just have read that.

[481] I don't know that personally.

[482] Like great -granddad.

[483] No, you're a great -granddad.

[484] Oh, I am a great -granddad.

[485] That's officially what we put out.

[486] Yeah.

[487] You handed me a type, your handler gave me a sheet of paper that said mentioned.

[488] He said, terrific, I should have said terrific grandfather, and I'm just doing as I was told.

[489] Yeah, I thought you were going to, I thought, like, did my great -grandfather die in the Holocaust?

[490] Because, like, I don't think, I don't think we put that out.

[491] Yeah.

[492] But, no, I'm a grandfather, and I'm okay.

[493] And I, no, but what I'm saying is I think now about things so differently that I have kids that are 19 and 17.

[494] And I, you do think about things very differently when you have kids going out into the world about, where we are and the level of discourse.

[495] And I am a, I would say, a 53 % optimist, maybe a 52 % optimist.

[496] And that gets me in trouble at home because I tend to think we're going to muddle our way through because we've muddled our way through before.

[497] Maybe.

[498] 53 % sure about that.

[499] 52 % sure about that.

[500] It's changing.

[501] I know, it's oscillating as I discuss it.

[502] But I don't know.

[503] Are you, are you, no. You're not optimistic.

[504] I'm, I'm 47, but I used to be 52.

[505] Right.

[506] So I'm watching you go down.

[507] You used to be 54.

[508] Yeah, for a while I was 66.

[509] That was single, you know.

[510] I was a single guy.

[511] Yeah, yeah, going like, just hitting the clubs.

[512] And so, you know, I remember that.

[513] I rave every night.

[514] And that's, that's a single.

[515] just affects you, you know.

[516] A rave.

[517] What, you, come on.

[518] You were a rave?

[519] You raved?

[520] Oh, I raved.

[521] You had pacifiers in and you took ecstasy.

[522] I had a pacifier and ecstasy and I had glow sticks.

[523] And I was whipping them around.

[524] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[525] You've seen photos of me from the late 80s, early 90s.

[526] I was losing it.

[527] He's fantastic.

[528] Baggy pants, mesh top.

[529] I wore two eyepatches.

[530] And I couldn't see where I was going.

[531] I was constantly being hit by calves.

[532] And I told you, wear them over the same fucking eye, asshole.

[533] asshole and then I did and remember I was very grateful to you yeah what's about the SNL days because people love to hear about those times we're we're gonna we're gonna time travel now back to the year in 1951 when you and I worked on a radio show called Saturday Night Live so uh Franken and Davis we would do the single show within the show called the Franklin and Davis show and we had my parents on twice and once they got cut your parents got cut Between dress and air.

[534] That's rough.

[535] Okay.

[536] And so the first time they're on, they just came on.

[537] And I, the character I played was me as an asshole, right?

[538] And so, uh, wait, that was a character.

[539] That was, that was a character.

[540] It's just like you self -deprecate and paint yourself kind of as an asshole all the time.

[541] Yeah, but we all know, we all know, complete opposite.

[542] Exactly.

[543] Complete 180 degree opposite.

[544] So that was the whole premise here, kind of.

[545] So anyway, so I have my parents on.

[546] I sing a song of them, Hey, Mom and Dad.

[547] said, this song is for you.

[548] I sing a different key better.

[549] Anyway, so, and I sing, and then my mom says, this reminds me of when they called from school and said, you'd shit your pants or something like that.

[550] I went, Mom, and I get mad at her.

[551] And my dad says, stop yelling at your mother.

[552] And she said, crap your pants.

[553] This is, right, right.

[554] And then I get mad at them.

[555] I'm an asshole.

[556] And I kick my dad in the ass.

[557] Okay.

[558] So that one was on.

[559] Everyone loved it.

[560] Next time I have mine, Tom and I would do very dark stuff.

[561] And in this one, I have them, they're in dress, they're wearing stars of David and overcoats circa 1935 Nazi Germany.

[562] And Tom and I are in Gestapo outfits.

[563] Look at the smile on your face.

[564] Well, this was our, this was something you kind of could do back then, right?

[565] You could do very dark.

[566] The show, hallmark of the show, sometimes very dark.

[567] Especially after a certain hour, things could get very dark.

[568] Yeah, and Tom and I were always on after that hour.

[569] Right.

[570] And so, the whole point was at a certain point, my dad goes, Alan, I can't do this.

[571] I decide.

[572] We rehearsed it.

[573] And, you know, we've done it all week.

[574] Why do you say now?

[575] We're on the show.

[576] We're a lot.

[577] I just can't.

[578] And my friend decide, I can't go back to Temple.

[579] Right.

[580] This sketch with you and the Gestapo.

[581] You know, and then I get really mad at him and yell at him.

[582] And this kind of ends that way.

[583] Bernie Brillstein.

[584] Famous, what would you call him?

[585] Manager.

[586] Manager.

[587] No, he was a manager, but he was even beyond that.

[588] He's a man that looked like Santa Claus and was a show business legend and had a big personality.

[589] Yeah.

[590] He was a, and represented everybody, including Lorne, and just said to him, he's watching a dress and going, you can't do this.

[591] So, and I guess he was right.

[592] And so I think we could have done it.

[593] But anyway, so we get, my parents get cut.

[594] Lauren comes after, up to me after the show and said, Al, don't put me in the position of cutting your parents ever again.

[595] Were they upset that they were cut?

[596] They must have been.

[597] A little bit, but, I mean, they understood.

[598] I couldn't go like, Lorne, that's amazing that you cut us on the Gestapo star David, my parents, as Jews and me. That's just the tip of the iceberg with you.

[599] You were constantly pitching ideas that you loved to go right up to the edge.

[600] And sometimes over it.

[601] Oh, yes, miles and miles beyond.

[602] But is, were you always like that?

[603] Well, I think I just came of age during a period where very dark humor was about the opposite of it.

[604] In other words, that you were exploring really dark things in order to laugh at how awful they were.

[605] That's all.

[606] Yeah.

[607] Yeah, I went over a line at times.

[608] Were you on the show at Comedy Killers?

[609] Okay, so this was Downey and I had this idea for...

[610] Jim Downey, yeah, headwriter, yeah.

[611] It was a game show like Jeopardy.

[612] but it was called comedy killers.

[613] So the categories were the Holocaust, the Kennedys, cancer.

[614] Yeah.

[615] And so this is a joke I tell in my act because everything I'd ever done when I ran for the Senate in comedy was used against me. Yeah.

[616] I told a joke from that sketch that Rosie Schuster wrote, And it was, this would have been a bad gift for Anne Frank.

[617] What is a drum set?

[618] Oh, God.

[619] Jesus.

[620] Okay.

[621] Uh -huh.

[622] So that's brought up.

[623] Now, of course, you're running then for Senate.

[624] And this - Frankin told jokes about the Holocaust.

[625] Yeah.

[626] Yeah.

[627] So I've written a magazine article in the late 90s saying that parents should probably monitor what their kids get online.

[628] And so, but I wrote it satirically, so I said, my son, Joe, did a great fourth grade report last week on bestiality, and he downloaded a lot of great visual aids.

[629] And the kids in the class just loved them.

[630] And it was, Al Franken, don't jokes about bestiality.

[631] So we had to, Chuck Schumer was like monitoring my race.

[632] I was running for the nomination at the time.

[633] Yeah.

[634] And he's going, this is too much baggage.

[635] And so my pulse, we had to do focus groups to see if this really was a problem.

[636] And if we could, you know, overcome it.

[637] You had the focus group in.

[638] And the first question she asked, if you knew that Al Franken told jokes about bestiality, would you be more likely to vote for him?

[639] It turned out less likely.

[640] But we discovered that, you know, if you explain things, that Minnesotans got irony and they got, you know, what satire was.

[641] And so it wasn't a real problem.

[642] And then I went out to show this great report saying it wasn't a problem.

[643] problem to Harry Reid, and then he asked me, what joke could you tell about the Holocaust?

[644] And I said, well, it, okay, the joke was, I think a bad Hanukkah gift for Anne Frank would have been a drum set.

[645] And then Harry started shaking.

[646] And I start thinking, okay, this is either very good or very bad.

[647] Right.

[648] And he just thought it was the funniest joke he'd ever.

[649] So I was okay.

[650] Right.

[651] After that.

[652] Oh, I, but the The best joke in comedy killers, the sketch you remember was final comedy killer, like Final Jeopardy.

[653] Last, it was, you know, the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the long, was the biggest comedy killer of all time.

[654] Downey wrote this joke, here it was.

[655] What was the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand?

[656] How did this sketch play in front of the audience?

[657] Great.

[658] Did it?

[659] Yeah.

[660] it was what year was it i don't know it was in the 80s i think probably 88 i think world war one was closer at that time yeah people have forgotten it was like you know 34 years closer or something right five years closer so everyone was a big you know oh that was terrible at war and of course started by the assassination of archduke ferdinand yeah by gabriel french Warfare.

[661] Gario Princep, I think, shot him.

[662] Yes.

[663] Archduke Ferdinand was on his way back.

[664] He was leaving Sarajevo.

[665] Are you doing a comedy killer?

[666] Yeah.

[667] He was leaving Sarajevo.

[668] His driver took a wrong turn.

[669] Really?

[670] And his car kind of stopped right in front of a cafe.

[671] Princip had had his chance to shoot, you know, the Archduke and hadn't done it.

[672] But the suddenly he's sitting in a cafe.

[673] consoling himself by having a cup of coffee when this car pulls up in front of that cafe and who's in it but the Archduke and his wife and he just puts his cup of coffee down and steps out and kills them both.

[674] What an insane co -winketing!

[675] Anywho, we were doing comedy killers and I wanted to keep going with the Archduke Ferdinand.

[676] Well, that shows something.

[677] Nothing.

[678] What?

[679] What?

[680] I'm sorry.

[681] Listen.

[682] Why do he suddenly have the balls to do it if he was, if he couldn't do it the first time?

[683] I think he wasn't able.

[684] I think he didn't have a shot.

[685] Yeah, I think he didn't have a shot.

[686] Oh, he just couldn't do it.

[687] Not that he like chickened out.

[688] I think his blood sugar was low.

[689] But then he had a donut and a cup of coffee.

[690] And then this guy in a big hat with ostrich feathers and metals pulls up right outside.

[691] He ran his horse up too and it was in favor of it.

[692] Yeah.

[693] Yeah.

[694] Yeah.

[695] And the waiter said, oh, we're also serving gun today.

[696] I grabbed a gun and said, I'll take one of those.

[697] And then the whole thing just came together beautifully.

[698] Okay.

[699] Yeah.

[700] Do you watch Saranet Live now?

[701] Do you check it out?

[702] I have to say I don't see it as frequently.

[703] And then I see things online.

[704] That's what I do.

[705] I don't know how much of their monetization is from online because millions of people will go and watch the YouTube, right?

[706] I guess.

[707] Yeah.

[708] Do you feel like, oh, that's the show.

[709] So this isn't, because you have an interesting perspective.

[710] I go like, what is that?

[711] Now, to be fair, that's music?

[712] It's like they're talking.

[713] I understand the kids like it, but I don't.

[714] You never thought rock and roll would make it.

[715] I remember that very clearly.

[716] I was wrong.

[717] I was wrong.

[718] And you know what?

[719] I grew to like it.

[720] Especially the Grateful Dead I listened to nothing but dead Wait That was turning back into Bernie Yeah I couldn't tell it was a Schumer or Bernie Yeah It was me I don't know It was just me as an old Jew And that does Schumer and Bernie I guess But more Bernie If you see SNL now though As you say that you check it out Can you wrap your head around the fact That it's the same show That was your I think you're in Tom's first real job in television.

[721] And you started the summer of 1975.

[722] Right.

[723] Does it, can you understand that this is still the same show?

[724] Or does it feel like, well, it's, it's not.

[725] It's morphed so many times.

[726] It's something else.

[727] Well, of course it has.

[728] And I remember when we first started the show, it would be like Belushi was on and he would smoke a joint.

[729] And everyone go like, oh my God, they're having or they're doing.

[730] They're not doing that on Sonny and Share.

[731] They're not doing that on, yeah, the Brady Bunch.

[732] And then I remember when Dan Quayle was nominated to be vice president, and they won.

[733] And they asked him, who is your favorite act or musician at Woodstock?

[734] And he said, Jimmy Hendricks.

[735] And I went like, oh, I see.

[736] There's no counterculture anymore.

[737] The vice president.

[738] Not only the vice president, but Dan Quayle.

[739] The Republican Square vice president liked Jimmy Hendricks, yeah.

[740] Right.

[741] So I went, oh, I see that, you know.

[742] And so now, you know, things, this is what?

[743] Now it's like 48 years, right?

[744] 47, 48 years.

[745] So, yeah, it's different.

[746] It's different.

[747] I just think their approach to political comedy is different.

[748] Downey and I used to write a lot of stuff.

[749] And we talked last time when I was on about doing the debate stuff.

[750] And we tried to do stuff that our motto was to reward people for knowing stuff, but not punish them for not knowing stuff.

[751] Right.

[752] And so I was proud of the.

[753] political stuff we write.

[754] And yeah, they hit it every once a while.

[755] And, like, we missed it every once in a while as well.

[756] Now that you're doing stand -up, and I love the name of your tour, and I have it right here, and I'm going to read it off this piece of paper.

[757] Because that's how I work.

[758] I like to include people in the process so they can see behind the scenes what's happening.

[759] You're touring the country, and the name of the tour is the only former U .S. senator currently on tour tour.

[760] I love that.

[761] I want to say what it was.

[762] Are you mostly talking, are you talking about current events a lot in your stand -up, or are you talking about your years in the Senate?

[763] I mainly, it's sort of biographical.

[764] So how I became, you know, like Zelensky, right, is considered now probably the bravest person.

[765] And, of course, comedian, bravest profession.

[766] Yep, I believe so.

[767] Yeah.

[768] Podcaster, maybe third.

[769] That sounds right.

[770] As profession, but of comedians, Jewish comedians, the bravest.

[771] And then the Irish, of course, and then Jewish comedians who go into politics, like Zelensky, the bravest.

[772] So then I talk about how I became basically the second bravest person.

[773] So it's biographical, and then I get to me in the Senate, and I talk about.

[774] those colleagues and then I go yeah and then I go into some stuff that's happening now right you know Zelensky famously Putin invades and the United States reaches out and says we can airlift you out of there right away and he says I need guns not a ride such a cool line perfect al you in that same situation I see you fleeing with a suitcase running running with a suitcase that keeps flapping open and long underwear falls out and you've got to stop and shove it back in and then you keep running true or false i've thought about this myself i mean it was balzy i mean he said i it's i i don't want ammunition i want i don't want to ride yeah i don't want to ride i want ammunition and that was pretty I have to ask you, you know, you're, you're married to a guy from Russia.

[775] He's from Armenia, which was part of the Soviet Union.

[776] Oh.

[777] Yeah, but he, I mean, he speaks Russian.

[778] And TAC has children's toys that are from his youth.

[779] Yeah.

[780] In the Soviet Union, were you little children's toys?

[781] Do your kids play with the little Soviet toys?

[782] They love those Soviet toys.

[783] They're cute.

[784] You pull the string and it says, get in line for bread.

[785] But he says, it's a little, little, oh.

[786] I pitched to tack that we start a podcast about American versus Soviet toys called Perestroika.

[787] That's Perestroika.

[788] I would listen to that.

[789] That's great.

[790] Well, those would be French toys.

[791] Okay.

[792] God, this is.

[793] Hey, wait.

[794] Thank you very much.

[795] Hey, wait a minute, Al. This is very rare, but the new low light has just gone off.

[796] He's standing.

[797] He's still standing in balance.

[798] Wow, this is the longest evasion.

[799] Wow, look, just taking in all the love.

[800] Paris Toyka would be French toys.

[801] Every time you came on my show in the late night show, years and years and years you'd come on.

[802] And at the end, and the music was playing.

[803] You would do an insane dance up and down the aisles, running and running and burning all these calories.

[804] And the audience loved it.

[805] And then I think...

[806] You never ran it.

[807] Nine times out of 10, if not 10 times out of 10, it got cut for time.

[808] I mean, you must have, you worked so hard on that ending, and it was fantastic.

[809] I think it got in once.

[810] I do.

[811] I'm not sure it did.

[812] No, this was the comedy of energy.

[813] That's all it was, right?

[814] It's called, what they used to call it in vaudeville was a sweat act.

[815] Martin and Lewis, they would say it's a sweat act.

[816] It's just a lot of jumping around.

[817] And then, of course, Jack Benny or, you know, there are other comedians.

[818] Well, what was the theme?

[819] Let's see on the thing.

[820] You can sing the theme of the show.

[821] Oh, here we go.

[822] You have to imagine a big stairway.

[823] Okay.

[824] And I would just, oh, my God.

[825] You're like an old stripper.

[826] And it lasted for fucking ever.

[827] And it lasted for fucking ever.

[828] Oh, this song would go and go and go, and I think the band didn't want to cut you off, so they'd keep it going.

[829] Your resting heart rate when you were done was something like $2 .65, and then the show would end with me saying, all right, you know, tomorrow, Lenny Kravitz, and then bang.

[830] Out, completely out, and there was all this wasted energy.

[831] It was not seen by the American public.

[832] Well, it was still worth it.

[833] And entertained me and it entertained the 185 people that were in that room.

[834] That's right.

[835] That's right.

[836] And that's all I, that's all you care about.

[837] If I can make just, we never could fill those back aisles.

[838] As Pat Proff, I don't know if, you know, he's a comedian in Minnesota who's a great writer, said, if I can make just one person laugh, then I know it's a Tuesday night at the comedy store.

[839] Franken.

[840] I love talking to you.

[841] I cherish you as a friend.

[842] Oh, I said, all right.

[843] What did I say?

[844] Privileged.

[845] You're privileged.

[846] Yeah.

[847] Do you feel that still?

[848] Yeah.

[849] I wonder.

[850] Now more I cherish.

[851] Oh.

[852] That's nice.

[853] You also have, of everyone I know, I think some of this, very strong legs.

[854] I'm just going to end on that.

[855] Okay.

[856] You have very strong buttocks and legs.

[857] I've seen you leg wrestle.

[858] I saw you leg wrestle in the Serenet Live offices and I was in No one could take you.

[859] Very strong muscular legs.

[860] That sounds like a challenge to me, Conan.

[861] Oh, not for me. No, I have two twizzlers for legs.

[862] The red twizzlers.

[863] No, I would fall apart immediately.

[864] I'm, no, I'm just telling you.

[865] I'd love to see it.

[866] I just wanted to end on a fun fact about Al Franken is you won't find a man with stronger leg and buttock muscles.

[867] They used to be stronger.

[868] I'm 71 now, so.

[869] We're all going to, look at your legs in your butt when you leave the room now.

[870] Just like we did when you came in, the cameras here, they do that?

[871] Yeah, they add, well, these cameras, they're good, but as cameras do, they add about 15 pounds of muscle to the ass.

[872] Well, that's good for me because I lost some of it.

[873] Yeah, yeah, some of it's after feed.

[874] Al, thank you very much for being here.

[875] We learned nothing, but...

[876] Actually, you learned too much.

[877] something about World War I and I think and a little something that I hope you don't include about the debt limit I've got it in my notes you know we'll do speed up that part and that have me dance yeah yeah there you go thank you Al you bet thank you Sona I think you need to apologize what did I do what this time I know.

[878] That's the thing is I was saying to Gorley, he said to me, should we do some kind of new segment?

[879] And I said, let's just do a segment called Sona apologizes.

[880] And it's just because I know you've done something bad.

[881] I don't know what it is.

[882] You know I've done.

[883] Wait, what?

[884] I know that you've screwed something up.

[885] Come clean, Sona.

[886] Tell us, first of all, what it is you did wrong and then please apologize.

[887] What are you doing?

[888] I don't know.

[889] What are you doing?

[890] Well, well, don't you think that's a safe assumption that you've done something?

[891] You've probably done something.

[892] You probably made a restaurant reservation and said it was for Conan O 'Brien and then you and Tack went.

[893] But I wouldn't apologize for that.

[894] Well, that's a different thing.

[895] And so clearly you have.

[896] And by the way, the cheesecake factory does not require you call ahead.

[897] I know.

[898] I know.

[899] I've waited for over an hour for the cheesecake factory.

[900] But I don't know.

[901] I don't think I've done any.

[902] I mean, the thing is, though, because I don't do as much as I used to do.

[903] So the chances of me screwing something up have fallen a lot because now whenever you ask me to do something I really want to like you want to please me no I want I want to keep getting no I want to keep getting paid yes I see so I want to just keep doing is there anything in the past you want to dig deep maybe find something from the yeah like it's a therapy session it's like confession yeah about something I should apologize to you for don't you think in general you just I'm saying blanket gorely yeah Like, in general, you should just apologize.

[904] Do you want to apologize to me?

[905] Well, listen, that could be another segment, and I don't think we'll have time for it.

[906] You said a family emergency as if my dad's mustache went on strike.

[907] You said this like a week ago.

[908] What are you talking about?

[909] Yeah, you said that.

[910] That doesn't even a joke.

[911] That's a fragment.

[912] What's the whole joke?

[913] You said a family emergency persona as if her dad's mustache went on strike.

[914] That's funny.

[915] Okay, you said it.

[916] I just wanted you to say it right.

[917] And how many times have you pet my head and you've, you've, like, smelled your hand and you've got, Mmm, garlic.

[918] And you've also said, you've also said, you know, I need an industrial press to straighten my hair.

[919] Your hair is out of control.

[920] Yeah.

[921] You know what?

[922] We had to get, you know, when we started doing the podcast, we didn't think about this.

[923] We just used regular, uh, headsets, you know, by, by sure.

[924] They're the best headsets in the business.

[925] If you ask me, I'm glad they have their name on the side.

[926] But we forgot about Sona's hair.

[927] Your hair is so powerful that, uh, we had to get, we had to go to the U. Army Corps of Engineers and have them engineer out of steel.

[928] They just used an old bear trap.

[929] They used a bear trap.

[930] Yeah.

[931] It's basically, yes, exactly.

[932] You told me, you said that my dad's built my brother out of wood and that he wanted him to be a real boy.

[933] God, you have, she has so many memories of my good bits.

[934] Yes, did I say that your father, who looks a little like Chippetto, had built your older brother, possibly out of wood and because he dreamed of having a real boy?

[935] Yes, I did make that offhanded quip.

[936] once.

[937] Once.

[938] You've probably said it to a member of the press.

[939] Or like an Obama or someone important that like I want to think I'm like cool and interesting.

[940] I did at great length explain to President Barack Obama that my assistant Sona's brother was carved out of wood by his father.

[941] Well, so Sona, do you want to apologize for me of this?

[942] What?

[943] I don't think, first of all, I think these are all class A bits, good material, solid landing.

[944] I mean, the fact that I'm able to be this creative around you, I think should be a source of wonder.

[945] How many stores have we walked into where you're like, watch out for her, she steals and she's got sticky fingers?

[946] No, I said you steal babies at the marketplace.

[947] Yes, that's right.

[948] Okay.

[949] Oh, but you've also said I just steal to like stores we just walk into.

[950] Well, no. One specifically was an eyeglass store we went into.

[951] Yes.

[952] I said, watch out for her.

[953] She's got sticky fingers.

[954] And you know what?

[955] And you know what?

[956] They followed you around after that.

[957] That's what I was going to say.

[958] They didn't know you were joking.

[959] So they actually.

[960] That's not a joke.

[961] No, but I don't.

[962] You take stuff sometimes.

[963] I don't do it anymore.

[964] And I wouldn't do it with you.

[965] Any more.

[966] I wouldn't do it with you.

[967] Listen.

[968] I'm going to need to apologize to me, I think.

[969] I think, first of all, that's a dangerous precedent for me to admit to any crime and to apologize.

[970] I think that's a road we shouldn't go down.

[971] But I'm going to take your admission that you steal and steal often as an apology.

[972] No, that doesn't mean.

[973] Oh, okay, yeah, nong.

[974] He just went, no, no. Is that a special no that you reserve for special times?

[975] Me admitting something doesn't mean I'm apologizing for it.

[976] I'm just admitting that it happened.

[977] I think that you, if you're not going to apologize to me, I'm not going to apologize to you.

[978] Why should I do it?

[979] if you're not going to do it.

[980] Well, have you paid me recently?

[981] All right.

[982] I'm sorry.

[983] This is just how it works.

[984] I'm the guy who's writing the check.

[985] Somebody needs to apologize to someone, so I'll do it.

[986] No. How many times have you tried to smack my hair bun?

[987] Oh, it's so fun.

[988] Have you seen me do that?

[989] No. She gets her hair in a bun.

[990] Oh, yes.

[991] And I take a whack at it.

[992] And if I do it just right, the little elastic goes, and the hair goes, wapang, and it fills the whole room you're in.

[993] It's crazy.

[994] It's so much fun.

[995] No, I think that you, I...

[996] Sona, I'm going to end this right now.

[997] You have nothing to apologize for.

[998] You're a wonderful person.

[999] You're a good friend.

[1000] We've been through a lot together.

[1001] My lawyer made me remember this.

[1002] And I think because you're telling me not to apologize, now I'm going to say, I'm sorry.

[1003] Really?

[1004] Wow.

[1005] Mission accomplished.

[1006] And Gourley, I think you owe us both an apology.

[1007] You got it, ready?

[1008] You come in here with your Mr. Rogers sweater.

[1009] Okay.

[1010] No, I'm sorry.

[1011] But, you know what I mean?

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] These are the people that you meet in the neighborhood and the neighborhood.

[1014] That's Sesame Street Yeah, that's not the song What?

[1015] These are the people in your neighborhood You're singing In your neighborhood Oh, that's not No, you're talking about It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood Oh Wait which one is Cookie Monster on Sesame Street Oh Apologize I'm realizing now I really don't like Mr. Rogers' neighborhood Oh my God I like Sesame Street Wait are you for real You know the neighborhood of make believe is in Is in Mr. Rogers I'm sorry, I'm rewatching all the stuff now.

[1016] And I'm real deep into it.

[1017] Every day.

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] Wait, what are we talking about now?

[1020] I got lost.

[1021] Well, we just watch a lot of children's programming.

[1022] Right, because you have kids.

[1023] I just sit there and watch it as just a fan.

[1024] Oh, I see.

[1025] I see.

[1026] Yeah, I'm like, Mr. Rogers is on.

[1027] I got to, you know, get my cereal out and watch.

[1028] Those are good times.

[1029] Look, I got off the rails there a little bit.

[1030] We'll clean it up.

[1031] Where do we end?

[1032] No, I want to talk about this.

[1033] We ended.

[1034] We got Sonny to apologize.

[1035] We got Sonny to apologize.

[1036] And Goreley has apologized.

[1037] And I never did, actually.

[1038] I said I would.

[1039] You're not going to apologize for anything.

[1040] What have I done except take care of you and your extended family?

[1041] I am the sun and you are a plant that grows because of my rays, my beneficent golden rays.

[1042] I'd like you to apologize for your weird metaphors.

[1043] Sometimes the sun will sun burn you.

[1044] Yeah.

[1045] And I think that the sun owes that person an apology.

[1046] I am the son.

[1047] And I apologize for that sunburn.

[1048] That's funny, the sun is just, I provide all life on earth.

[1049] I know, but what about that sunburn?

[1050] That guy got in Bermuda.

[1051] He's very pale and he didn't, son.

[1052] Oh, all right.

[1053] What about Icarus?

[1054] That was his fault.

[1055] That was Icarus's fault.

[1056] I trust, son, I apologize to Charles.

[1057] Millman of Canoga Falls, Ohio for burning his shoulders.

[1058] It made his stay unpleasant and he had to buy aloe gel.

[1059] Thanks, son.

[1060] Now, maybe you'd like to thank me for all the crops.

[1061] We're good, son.

[1062] Bye.

[1063] Fuck.

[1064] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1065] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1066] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1067] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1068] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1069] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1070] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1071] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1072] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

[1073] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1074] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1075] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1076] Got a question for Conan?

[1077] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1078] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1079] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1080] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.