David Sedaris Returns

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[1] I'm Dan Randall Shepard, and I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

[2] You changed it.

[3] You said welcome, welcome, welcome.

[4] You didn't say to armchair expert.

[5] Oh, fuck.

[6] I'm all upside down over here on the other side of the pond.

[7] Wow.

[8] That was scary.

[9] We needed one second update.

[10] So as everyone knows, we're becoming increasingly insecure about the tagline of the show.

[11] Messiness of being here.

[12] The messiness of being human.

[13] And then someone sent me a photo that I sent to you of an enormous billboard.

[14] It looks like it's in Manhattan.

[15] And it says as big as it can get, the messiness of being human.

[16] That's right.

[17] And now it's like it's just coming back to haunt us.

[18] Well, and I was thinking like, well, can we change it to to be in on it?

[19] And then I was like, well, you got to really be a fan of the show.

[20] If in her fucking description we're making a joke.

[21] Yeah.

[22] Anyways, TBD.

[23] I don't know that gets ironed out.

[24] Man, this is in our pantheon a favorite guest, David Sedaris.

[25] We're so excited he's back, and he does it again.

[26] He does it again.

[27] We're just fucking smitten from soup to nuts.

[28] He has a new book out, A Carnival of Snackery.

[29] And it's cool because it's his journal entries, which is so fun to hear.

[30] To be in his head.

[31] Yes, the way he processes the simplest interactions.

[32] And he seems to have the craziest experiences all the time.

[33] Yes.

[34] Yes.

[35] Yeah, he does a lot of late -night walking and he meets all kinds of characters.

[36] He's wonderful, so please enjoy David Sedaris.

[37] Wonderly Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[38] Join Wonderly Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[39] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[40] All righty.

[41] Can you hear me?

[42] I can hear you.

[43] Can you hear me, Dax?

[44] Oh, yeah.

[45] I am so excited to talk to you.

[46] Can we give our previous conversation a score out of 10?

[47] I want to know from you what you think it was.

[48] I would have to listen to it.

[49] No, this is just your memory of the experience.

[50] Oh, well, I mainly remember you didn't have a bathroom door.

[51] Yes, that's correct.

[52] I didn't need one.

[53] I just peed in your studio.

[54] Yeah.

[55] So I didn't need one.

[56] But that's mainly what I remember.

[57] And it was experience.

[58] I told you a very long story about shitting my pants at Home Depot that you really, you liked, yeah, which warmed my heart.

[59] But you would shit in your pants like three times or something.

[60] Oh, hundreds of times.

[61] But yes, that was the last straw in thinking I had IBS, which it turned out I didn't have IBS.

[62] I just was allergic to Pellegrino.

[63] That was kind of the punchline of the story.

[64] But I had convinced myself I had actual IBS and then I needed to go on a strict diet.

[65] and I was learning how to eat like that.

[66] And then I figured it out.

[67] So I would give it a high rating.

[68] But I got to tell you, so many people I went on tour afterwards, came up because they'd heard me on your podcast.

[69] And they weren't familiar with me at all before.

[70] Oh, really?

[71] I mean, it was a startling number of people.

[72] Oh, no kidding.

[73] Yeah.

[74] Well, I hope you've found what we have found, which is we do live shows, and I don't understand it.

[75] I didn't think there were that many nice people, period.

[76] I guess what kind of people are attracted to your readings?

[77] Could you sum them up?

[78] Could you make any stereotype about them?

[79] When I think about what they have in common, I think it's a level of education.

[80] I feel like they went to college.

[81] Right.

[82] I mean, sometimes somebody will come and he's like, I'm a long -haul trucker and I listen to your audiobooks.

[83] And nothing feels better than that.

[84] But other than that, I feel like they run the gamut in terms of ages.

[85] racially, like if I have 2 ,000 people in the audience, 40 are black.

[86] Okay.

[87] So really quick, that's 4 out of 200.

[88] That's 2 out of 100.

[89] 2 %?

[90] That's pretty good.

[91] 2%.

[92] Maybe 3 % from India.

[93] Oh, okay.

[94] I'd say a really high percent of ABCs.

[95] What are ABCs?

[96] American -born Chinese.

[97] Oh, my gosh.

[98] Yeah.

[99] I just learned that.

[100] A guy taught me that named Rich Jew.

[101] He's an ABC named Rich Jew.

[102] And I said, oh, come on.

[103] And he showed me his ID, and that was his name.

[104] Rich.

[105] I mean, it's Richard Jew, but he shortened it to Rich.

[106] And how's he spelling Jew?

[107] J -E -W.

[108] J -E -W, just as we would think of, yeah, the very conventional way to spell it.

[109] Oh, wow.

[110] What line of work is he in?

[111] I don't remember, but he had a business car.

[112] He was a professional.

[113] Yes, clearly.

[114] I also have Bobby P -I -N's business card.

[115] Bobby P -I -N -S?

[116] P -I -N.

[117] Oh, P -I -N, Bobby P -N.

[118] Oh, my God, Bobby P -N.

[119] Yeah.

[120] Did that person change their name to that, do you think?

[121] No. I mean, I'm sure it was Robert Pinn.

[122] And then he's probably called Bobby as a boy, and then he just kept it.

[123] Well, that's a generous kind of guesstimation of what happened.

[124] That it all just kind of happened organically, and there's nobody at the top kind of fucking with this young child, like boy named Sue, the Johnny Cash song.

[125] It sounds a little bit more like that.

[126] Well, my sister Gretchen gets her furnace service by Mike Hunt.

[127] No. Mike.

[128] Yep.

[129] Mike Hunt.

[130] And he calls and said, this, Mike Hunt, we all set up at times for me to come by and look at your furnace.

[131] That's a very well -worn name to call and ask the grocery store manager to pay somebody.

[132] Right.

[133] I mean, if I were him, I'd say Michael Hunt.

[134] And then nobody would even think Mike Hunt.

[135] If you were gay, you'd be Michael Hunt.

[136] Right, right, right.

[137] The same way, if you were gay, there's like there's not a gay Chris.

[138] They're all Christopher.

[139] There's not a gay.

[140] Like my friend David Rackoff said, you know, when people would say, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

[141] And Rackoff said, no, that would be Adam and Stephen.

[142] You know, like when you're gay, usually.

[143] Sure, you go for the whole thing, the whole moniker.

[144] Why do we think that is?

[145] Do we even think about it or are we just observe it?

[146] Are you interested in the causality?

[147] Oh, gosh, no, it's a really good question, though.

[148] I don't know why that would be.

[149] I mean, even you, to some degree, I guess, David Sedaris, you're not going to go by Dave Sedaris.

[150] No, Dave's a whole different creature.

[151] It is, but ding, ding, ding, this is one of the things I actually wanted to ask you about.

[152] Do you watch the TV show Dave?

[153] No. I'm going to really strongly encourage you to check it out.

[154] It's on FX.

[155] I'm just newly watching it.

[156] God, I wish you had seen it because I wanted to talk to you about a certain episode that really I can't stop thinking about.

[157] Can I just sum it up for you?

[158] Sure.

[159] Okay, so the character, the lead character, Dave, is this rapper, Lil Dickie.

[160] He's Jewish.

[161] And in real life, he really is the rapper Lil Dickie, and he wraps about, he's had a ton of trauma on his penis, a bunch of surgeries, some of the testicle skin had to be used to graph onto the penis.

[162] So the penis has a ton of ball skin on it.

[163] So that's kind of like the foundation of his insecurities.

[164] But then he embraces it and he's an artist because of it.

[165] So great, great show.

[166] Can't recommend it enough.

[167] But there's this episode I saw that I can't get over was he starts working with this other producer, music producer, who in real life is a very successful music producer.

[168] So he goes over to start recording and they're recording and then they take a break and then they start calling each other Chuck for some reason like Chuck, Chuck, you got something on your shirt?

[169] Oh no, Chuck, that's this, Chuck, let's go swimming, Chuck.

[170] And now they're calling each other Chuck, they go swimming, and then they're wrestling, and then they're looking at each other's assholes.

[171] And then one guy puts gum in the other one's asshole to see if he can blow a bubble.

[172] And at one point, like, they're leaning into each other.

[173] And Dave is like, nope, still not attracted, still not attracted.

[174] And then he kisses him, no, I'm not attracted.

[175] Then they're wrestling naked.

[176] And then it escalates to them in the shower and he places his testicles.

[177] And it's real.

[178] He places his testicles in his perineum on the other guy's forehead and he's in the shower.

[179] But they're just laughing and having a great time.

[180] And Dave wasn't gay in this situation.

[181] It was the first time I had seen two guys that were more provocative than myself in that arena.

[182] Like I would snuggle my friends.

[183] I've kissed plenty of my male friends on the lips.

[184] But this was a whole other zone that I feel like is part of younger people that I was just so excited to, I guess, witness and I'm curious if this is increasingly commonplace.

[185] What do you think of that?

[186] I'll watch it.

[187] You're really going to like it.

[188] Hi, David.

[189] Sorry, I'm late.

[190] Oh, don't worry.

[191] I don't like being late, but I'm late a lot these days.

[192] Are you a punctual person by nature?

[193] Yeah, I try to be.

[194] I mean, usually I am.

[195] But yesterday I was in the dentist and then I had an appointment with the tailor.

[196] And so I needed the dental appointment to be over with.

[197] But the dental assistant, I don't know if this has happened to you recently, they make like a 3D model of your mouth and they stick something in your mouth that's too big for your mouth.

[198] Right?

[199] Yeah, to take the x -rays.

[200] Yes.

[201] It's like it's a big dildo.

[202] I mean, it's just too big.

[203] It's just too big.

[204] and they stick it in your mouth and I didn't realize that this was turning into a teaching moment that one of the assistants was showing another one how to do it and I had an appointment and I didn't want to be a dick about it but I'm like how about you just show her how to do this on somebody else because I got to get out of here but of course I wasn't going to say that but yeah but I didn't want to be late I thought when you said teaching moment I thought it was a teaching moment for you, which would have been really interesting, like, yeah, what would, like your mouth needs to be bigger or, this usually fits.

[205] I don't know what's wrong with your mouth.

[206] It's just weird to have something in your mouth like that.

[207] That's too big for your mouth.

[208] I was just at the dentist last week and had that exact same experience.

[209] It's very uncomfortable.

[210] But you know, like sometimes you're in a situation and you think, okay, this is like primitive technology.

[211] We're going to laugh at this a year from now, or two years from now.

[212] We're going to think, oh, that was so primitive.

[213] You know, because it's just going to be a slender wand, you know, in no time at all.

[214] And so that was one of those moments, and you thought, okay, the time for this is pretty short -lived, you know, to have such a massive thing in your mouth.

[215] Well, I was like, yeah, I mean, that's a nice way of looking at it.

[216] I look at it, like, we're not here yet.

[217] We're not here where they can just not have this enormous thing in my mind.

[218] my mouth.

[219] We already have so many other technologies that are bad for us.

[220] So why not we have this one already?

[221] Well, are you guys talking specifically?

[222] Because I know the thing where you have to make you bite down and then it's like, it's very sharp on the edges on your cheeks and the inside of your cheeks.

[223] That's for x -rays.

[224] That's for x -rays.

[225] Yeah.

[226] And there's like a little plate on the outside and that's cutting your gums.

[227] You guys are right about this.

[228] This is different.

[229] But that's always felt odd too, the thing where you're biting down.

[230] And you're right.

[231] It's too sharp.

[232] and it cuts the inside of your mouth.

[233] And it's clearly been designed to include every one of all tooth size, I think, is what it is.

[234] It's like a catch -all, so it's like a four -inch.

[235] You're free to have up to a four -inch tooth with that technology and still get it all x -rayed, I guess.

[236] But I, during the pandemic, no one hated wearing a mask more than me. You know, you had to wear one outside all the time in New York City.

[237] But then there was a freedom to it, and I realized my teeth were so bad.

[238] My sister Amy says it looked like I swallowed a bomb, and time froze a nanosecond after it went out.

[239] So my teeth looked like they just started to explode out of my mouth and then froze.

[240] So they were like really wide spaces in my upper teeth, and they stuck out kind of like donkeys.

[241] And wearing the mask, I thought, oh, I'm not being judged on my teeth now.

[242] Right, right.

[243] Especially when you go into a fancy hotel or a fancy shop.

[244] And when you ask about something, they look at you, and I know they do it.

[245] And they think, if you really had money, you'd spend a little bit of it in the dentist office.

[246] And I know that's what they're thinking.

[247] And I can feel it.

[248] So I got braces during the pandemic.

[249] Oh, you did?

[250] Yeah.

[251] What a great time to do it.

[252] Yeah.

[253] Because I didn't have any tours.

[254] And I was wearing a mask.

[255] So I got braces.

[256] and then they had to push teeth around because I was missing one.

[257] And so I was missing a top tooth.

[258] I just never got it.

[259] It said the braces pushed my teeth apart and they popped a fake tooth in there.

[260] So yesterday was my last appointment.

[261] Oh, wait a minute.

[262] Oh, my gosh.

[263] They look gorgeous.

[264] Oh, my gosh.

[265] But see, I haven't been able to look at my teeth in the mirror in like 40 years because it was a genuine phobia.

[266] I couldn't do it.

[267] Yeah.

[268] So now I can.

[269] but I don't know how to smile.

[270] Because I never, in the mirror, I never did it.

[271] And so this is my smile.

[272] It's awful.

[273] It's really good.

[274] It's so creepy.

[275] Can I show you what it looks like to me?

[276] Yeah.

[277] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[278] Yeah, it's awful.

[279] I know, it looks so cute on you.

[280] And there's a hint, too, of like, is he angry?

[281] And then you're like, oh, no, it's kindness.

[282] It's mixed messages.

[283] And we love mixed messages.

[284] And I still go like that when I talk to people and then I think, wait a minute, I don't have to do that.

[285] Yeah.

[286] Was it freeing or for real were you like looking in the mirror and you were like, oh, it didn't really change much?

[287] Like in your head.

[288] It made such a huge difference in terms of my confidence.

[289] Yeah.

[290] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[291] All I wanted was for somebody to say, if someone said to you, what were his teeth like?

[292] You'd say, I don't know.

[293] That's all I wanted.

[294] Unremarkable.

[295] I didn't want like blinding teeth.

[296] I was fine with like chips and stuff like that.

[297] Forgettable teeth.

[298] Yeah.

[299] Well, can I theorize about what happened?

[300] First of all, I can relate to you because what you see in front of you is the product of 14 years of orthodontia.

[301] I started in first grade and didn't get them done until 11th grade.

[302] So I love this bomb analogy.

[303] But mine was that I always say that it is as if God just chucked my fucking teeth at my face and I was smiling and they just kind of landed.

[304] they were pointing every which way and tons of gaps and a huge overbite and thank God my mom just kind of intervened but I'm wondering if your teeth did you look at your teeth in the mirror when you were young and you did the same thing you did to everything which is like fuck it's just not what I want and tough shit and I'm going to get over it and stop thinking about it and I'm never going to think about it again now I had braces but I didn't wear my retainer oh oh okay my sister Lisa used hers as an ashtrape, okay?

[305] And this didn't happen to her.

[306] So I've always had like quick sand gomes.

[307] Like I can fall asleep on my face and I wake up and my bites different.

[308] Okay, okay.

[309] So you just needed an afternoon embraces to get everything sorted out.

[310] How long were you in them?

[311] Fourteen weeks.

[312] Oh my God.

[313] That's nothing.

[314] Yeah, these invisible braces.

[315] Oh, it's a line.

[316] Yeah, they're amazing.

[317] Oh, my goodness.

[318] Okay, so I started reading Carnival of Snackery yesterday, your new book.

[319] And it's weird to interview you because I want your approval more than I want anyone to learn anything about you.

[320] That's kind of my priority in these interviews with you.

[321] Normally I really want people to learn about the guests, but with you, I just want you to like me and for us to somehow become friends at some point.

[322] I just want to own my intentions.

[323] So I read one of your stories and I thought, oh my God, this is fantastic because we've had a very similar experience once again.

[324] So are you open to telling us about some of these?

[325] So just really quickly, a carnival of snackery is your journal entries, kind of a compilation of your journal entries.

[326] And they're not what you would think, like, oh, I'm wrestling with this, or there are things that just happened, you observed, you were a part of.

[327] A lot of it's about just watching TV, which I love.

[328] But could you tell me about going to the museum and the young boy you were worried about.

[329] Oh, I was at the British Museum, and there was a group of like five or six people at the next table, and it was a young boy in a wheelchair.

[330] And I don't know, I don't remember now how old he was.

[331] Maybe he was like 13 or something.

[332] And I just felt so sorry for him because, I don't know, it's just got to suck to be in a wheelchair.

[333] And then I was imagining his life and thinking, oh, he probably didn't have too many friends.

[334] Because you'd have to have a ramp to have friends like that.

[335] Like I often say to people, do you have any paralyzed friends?

[336] And they say, no. And I say, do you have a ramp in front of your house?

[337] And they say no. And I said, well, then you're not going to have any.

[338] You put a ramp up, and you'd be surprised.

[339] Your address books can be full of paralyzed friends.

[340] They just can't get to you right now.

[341] So I saw this kid, and I was feeling so sorry for him.

[342] And then his mother wheeled him away from the table, and I saw that it was a rental chair.

[343] and he had a cast on his foot.

[344] And I wanted to say, fuck you for making me feel sorry for you.

[345] But it wasn't him.

[346] It was just me thinking that.

[347] But you know how that is when you misspend your sympathy?

[348] Absolutely.

[349] I think that, yeah, the last line you say is like you're resentful, that he made you pity him.

[350] Okay, so mine that's similar that I want to tell you is I was in Nashville and I was eating at one of these hot chicken restaurants that I love and I would go do quite often.

[351] And I had prior to this never.

[352] met the owner or anything.

[353] And there's a huge deck in front of the place and then there's inside eating.

[354] So I'm outside on the deck with a friend and a man comes out and he's older.

[355] He's probably like 67 or so and he goes, excuse me, are you decks?

[356] And I go, yeah, yeah.

[357] Hey, you think I could get you to come on inside and say hello?

[358] There's a little cripple girl inside and she's a big fan of and I just thought maybe if you come in get a picture with her, boy, that might mean the world to her being crippled and all.

[359] So if you're up for that, and I said, oh, yeah, absolutely.

[360] All right, great.

[361] So he goes inside and now I'm on my own to go in and take a picture with this girl.

[362] And of course, he's used the word crippled twice, which I was like, I don't think you can really say that word out loud at your own restaurant, whatever.

[363] I go inside and I find her similarly.

[364] She's at like a table.

[365] So then I stand behind her.

[366] and I'm like touching her very sincerely and her parents are taking a photo and then I kind of glanced down to see what it is and same thing, she has a broken leg with a cast and I was like she has a fracture and I've gone in there like it's kind of know like a make -a -wish situation and then I yeah and of course I couldn't be resentful at her she didn't describe herself as cripple it was the owner of this chicken restaurant but yeah kind of similar mix -up But don't you think part of it you were bummed because you subconsciously thought, like it was giving yourself a little more importance than it was.

[367] Like I was going to mean a lot for her.

[368] I had the ability to change this whole, this person's life who's dying.

[369] And really it was just like a normal fan.

[370] Yeah.

[371] And by the way, I'm not even sure she was a fan as much as maybe her parents knew who I was.

[372] Or maybe the owner wanted the pitcher for the restaurant.

[373] No, he asked if I was Dex.

[374] He was hearing my name for the first time.

[375] Inside and on the way out, he kind of garbled it and made it Dax, which was fine.

[376] I don't want to correct him.

[377] But anyways, I'm glad that we both had that kind of a...

[378] Well, you know, sometimes I feel the same, like I'll do a book signing after an event, and people with wheelchairs will come to the front of the line, and it's like, you have a seat.

[379] You know what I mean?

[380] These other people are going to be standing in line for five, six, seven hours.

[381] There's no reason why you should come to the front of the line.

[382] None.

[383] Oh, my God.

[384] Oh, my God.

[385] It's true.

[386] I know.

[387] What you're saying is really, really.

[388] It is true, but.

[389] It's atomically correct.

[390] They are sitting.

[391] Oh, my God.

[392] I mean, if it was somebody on a cane, somebody who has a hard time standing.

[393] Let's get them to the front of the line.

[394] Yeah, I agree.

[395] I agree.

[396] If you're on a cane or a walker or even when you're pregnant.

[397] Pregnant, that's right.

[398] Yeah, that's nice.

[399] How would you feel this is, what if someone's really, extremely overweight.

[400] Like, it's clearly a really a struggle to stand.

[401] That's happened before, and I brought them to the front of the line, but it's a little bit tricky because they say, why did you bring me to the front?

[402] Then you feel like this happened before, and I've said, oh, I don't know, I just, you're wearing blue, and today it's, you come up with some shit, but that's what you're thinking.

[403] Because I have a friend who's oh gosh, she was probably 500 pounds.

[404] And she gave him to visit me one time.

[405] I was on tour.

[406] I had to go to the Apple store.

[407] And so I said, let's just go to the Apple store.

[408] And it was only like eight blocks away.

[409] And I didn't realize she said something later.

[410] And it's like, you can't really walk eight blocks when you weigh 500 pounds.

[411] It just made me think of things in a different way.

[412] But, yeah, it's hard.

[413] So, yeah, so if I see like a super obese person, yeah, I try to find a way to bring them to the phone.

[414] Yeah.

[415] Stay tuned for more armchair.

[416] expert if you dare What's up guys, this your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[417] Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation and I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on so follow, watch and listen to Baby this is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[418] We've all been there.

[419] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[420] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[421] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[422] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[423] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[424] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[425] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[426] Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music.

[427] I'm trying to like come up with a theory on why you're allowed to be funny in the manner you are.

[428] And I think there's a, I have a bunch of explanations and I'm curious if you even think about it.

[429] And if you do, which ones you agree with or disagree with.

[430] I think one is, I think first and foremost, you're just brilliant.

[431] So I think when you're brilliant, you get away with murder.

[432] Like Larry David, I don't know if you saw that episode where you have a MAGA hat.

[433] He started wearing the MAGA hat everywhere in L .A. to get some privacy and stuff.

[434] And it was just, the whole way it was handled was like, he's the only guy in Hollywood that could have done it.

[435] It was so perfect.

[436] And I just fucking loved it.

[437] So.

[438] One explanation is just you're so brilliant that even if you're probably trying to read it to get offended, you're probably chuckling along the way and then you maybe give up.

[439] That's maybe one thought.

[440] And then I guess the fact that, yeah, you're not like a power forward in the NBA and you're like super dominant physically or something.

[441] I'm just wondering if you have any theories on why you're able to speak so blatantly about things.

[442] Well, you just have a great sense of humor that is almost a little bit throwbacky.

[443] I've had people come up before and say, I can't believe the things you get away was saying on stage.

[444] And I always say, what did I say?

[445] Like, I went to a warehouse in Indiana to sign 15 ,000 books.

[446] Oh, my God.

[447] And this was not even Indianapolis.

[448] She was in the middle of nowhere in Indiana.

[449] And so there were like four people helping me out.

[450] And they told me, one of them told me that she had got written up recently for saying to somebody, Brenda, it's not rocket science because that made Brenda feel stupid so she got written up for it and this is at a factory in Indiana so when they told me all the things they're not allowed to say I thought okay well compared to you I am I mean my British publisher told me they're no longer allowed to say in the office may I have a word with you because it's triggering to people and it makes them think they're getting fired So you can't say, may I have a word with you.

[451] I suggest that instead they say, you know what?

[452] You're fucking fired.

[453] May I have a word with you?

[454] They don't have a real job.

[455] So it's never really been.

[456] I can be more specific.

[457] Like I'll be reading, like I was reading it this morning and I'll see.

[458] Well, I love the one where a homeless person calls you ugly.

[459] I think that's just a tremendous.

[460] story in so many ways.

[461] But you're describing things as fad or ugly.

[462] I guess I just, when I read it, I'm like, I'm surprised he doesn't get any shit.

[463] And then, so one of my other theories is just like, almost to your point about who comes to your book signings, which is they're probably largely the number one unifiers.

[464] They're probably college educated.

[465] So is it just that like the only people that are even aware of it are in on it.

[466] So it's not a thing.

[467] The wrong people that are like scanning the universe for that stuff aren't even stumbling across your work.

[468] Does that make any sense?

[469] like the moral police or the social police?

[470] Well, yeah, I've been doing these commentaries on CBS Sunday morning, right?

[471] And it can be about whatever I want for two minutes.

[472] And so I did one on egregious customer service.

[473] And I started off by 10 years ago, right?

[474] My sister, Amy, and I went to this place in London, and we bought these delicate cups and saucers, right?

[475] And it costs like $700.

[476] So the woman takes Amy's credit card, and she puts it in and says, well, your card was rejected.

[477] And we said, well, maybe.

[478] if you put it in the other way, right?

[479] She put the card in backwards.

[480] And then the card works.

[481] And then she says like, okay, then there you go.

[482] And we said, what do you mean?

[483] She said, well, I don't have anything to wrap them in and I don't have any bags or anything.

[484] And I said, so we're supposed to bring them across town like this.

[485] And she said, well, they're years.

[486] You bought them.

[487] And so I had a fantasy for something I call the citizens dismissal.

[488] And in a situation like that, you say to the person, did you bring a purse with you to work today or do you have a jacket or anything?

[489] Good, good.

[490] I want you to go get both of them and then get the fuck out of here.

[491] You're fired.

[492] I'm fired.

[493] And so it was a couple instances of egregious customer service from 10 years ago, right?

[494] And then somebody tweeted, David Sedaris is trying to fire essential workers during the pandemic.

[495] My publicist, my publicist called me and said, I think you should know that this is happening.

[496] So I don't have Twitter or anything, but it was like thousands of people.

[497] It was like a mob that came after me. CBS put a transcript on the website, but two pages, that's too much to read.

[498] Right, of course.

[499] So it was all these people.

[500] But then I have a friend in the media, and he said afterwards, he said, yeah, he said, that was pretty bad.

[501] Did you apologize?

[502] And I said, I don't have anything to apologize for.

[503] And he said, well, if people perceived that you did that, You need to apply.

[504] And it's like, what do I say?

[505] I'm sorry, you're stupid.

[506] Like, how do I apologize?

[507] I said, anyway, it was just surprising to me. See, I could be canceled.

[508] I wouldn't even know it because I don't have social media.

[509] Yeah.

[510] You're right.

[511] I think about that all the time.

[512] Like, I guess I'm only aware of any of these outrage movements through social media.

[513] I don't actually see it on the news or anything.

[514] Yeah.

[515] For the most part.

[516] And I don't know that my audience would know it either.

[517] No, I didn't know that.

[518] I had no clue.

[519] If somebody came to me and said, pictures just surfaced of Dax Shepard wearing like a Cherokee funeral headdress with a Nazi uniform, I don't know.

[520] I would still talk to you.

[521] I wouldn't.

[522] I would just think, well, that's a weird combination.

[523] I wrote this thing about LGBTQIA, right?

[524] And one of those cues stands for.

[525] questioning, and I was like, when you make up your mind, you can have a letter.

[526] But until that, I don't think you deserve one.

[527] And somebody left the theater saying, you know, if I were gay, I would have been really offended by that.

[528] And it's like, well, you're not gay.

[529] So why are you even thinking about that?

[530] Like, I don't know, I'm just not offended by stuff.

[531] I'm not, like, if I see a comedian, like an old school comedian, like, doing a mincing kind of a gay impersonate, that doesn't offend me. I don't know what it is.

[532] I just don't care.

[533] Can you think of what does offend you?

[534] Yeah, I'm offended by animals in sunglasses.

[535] Okay, okay, sure.

[536] Like on a photograph or in a cartoon, they put sunglasses on.

[537] It's supposed to appeal to kids, right?

[538] The kids are supposed to think that's cool.

[539] And my objection isn't that some five -year -old is going to go put a pair of aviator sunglasses on a Boston Terrier.

[540] I don't care about that.

[541] I just object to teaching kids that that's cool because it's so lame.

[542] It's the same thing as like when they go to kids, high five, that's just old.

[543] And it's just...

[544] Yeah, it's embarrassing.

[545] It's embarrassing.

[546] So, I don't know, I'm offended by that.

[547] Have you ever felt guilty about anything you've said on stage or regretful of any of the things you've put in a book?

[548] I mean, there's an essay I regret because it hurt somebody's feelings, but, gee, I can't really think of anything.

[549] Yeah.

[550] I mean, now with a book, they have sensitivity readers, right?

[551] So a sensitivity reader reads your book and then says, well, you need to get rid of this and this and this.

[552] But you have to, at this point anyway, you have to request the sensitivity read.

[553] So I've never requested one.

[554] Okay.

[555] I could request one.

[556] My editor was telling me about somebody, and she was a writer, and she'd written an essay about going to India, right?

[557] So she said, can I have a sensitivity read on this?

[558] Because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

[559] So an older Indian woman read it and said, oh, I think this is fascinating, and I absolutely love this.

[560] And then an Indian American woman, like in her 20s, was offended by every single line of him.

[561] So I think that's relevant.

[562] That seems pretty normal, I think, that it's the younger people who are going to be more offended by something than older people.

[563] And I don't know if it's just that our skins are thicker.

[564] Well, I think what you were allowed to say is I watch a lot of these documentaries and it'll show a lot of footage from the 90s of basically light night talk show, monologues, be it like the Monica Lewinsky scandal or when Britney Spears was in trouble.

[565] And what they would say just 25 short years ago is be like, oh, she's a slut.

[566] Does he like the big slaughter or is he like the smart girl?

[567] And when I watch those, I go, oh, I almost didn't even know that was the water I grew up in where that is what everyone said on late night talk shows and they don't anymore.

[568] And so, yeah, I mean, first and foremost, we grew up in a much different era where people said pretty actually offensive things regularly on TV.

[569] So maybe our barometer is different for that.

[570] Yeah.

[571] No, I agree with you on that.

[572] I mean, sometimes people write me letters, angry letters, and sometimes, you know, you want to write back in a way that someone can hear you.

[573] Yeah, yeah.

[574] Like I was signing books, right?

[575] And this guy came up and said, I was with some friends last night.

[576] We were in a bar and all of us were having a good time and telling jokes.

[577] And I said, what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub, throw in your laundry?

[578] And then this guy behind me said, hey, my brother was an epileptic.

[579] And he died in the bathtub.

[580] Oh, my God.

[581] And the guy was like, fuck.

[582] He said, did he drown?

[583] And the guy said, no, he choked on a sock.

[584] so it was a joke that somebody snuck in right yeah i love that kind of joke so then somebody wrote me a letter and they're very offended and they said i'm a person with epilepsy and i have to take all this medication and so i wrote back and said that to me that's a joke about a joke being slipped in right that's what that's about it's not about epilepsy like a woman came up and said my father just died And a neighbor said, if you don't mind, I'd like to say a word at his funeral.

[585] So the neighbor got up and said, plethora.

[586] And so I said to the neighbor, thank you so much.

[587] That means a lot.

[588] So again, it's just a joke that you can sneak in instead of saying to somebody, I got a joke for you, or how about a joke?

[589] So I wrote to the person with epilepsy, and I wouldn't.

[590] not tell that joke again because I'm pretty sure that I'm right about it.

[591] Well, Monica has epilepsy and she just laughed really hard.

[592] I guess the thing that I get kind of bummed about, this happened like a couple weeks ago, Monica and I were talking about some subject on the show, and I'm very perverted.

[593] I'm always talking about penises and testicles and stuff.

[594] And so this gal wrote in the thing, you know, you're going too far with Monica.

[595] She's very uncomfortable and she clearly doesn't want to tell you.

[596] And just because you've been friends for a long time, please listen to your female audience up on this topic.

[597] Oh, wow.

[598] And so, of course, I'm like immediately kind of angry.

[599] I'm defensive of them, all these things.

[600] And then I basically just write like, I think you would feel that way if I were saying those things in front of you and I would understand.

[601] But you should probably ask Monica before you tell me how Monica feels.

[602] And I think that is so often the case, it's like you're kind of apologizing to advocates and not the person who's theoretically upset by it.

[603] That's when, to me, it gets a little, like, come on, guys, if someone tells me that really I was talking to that they were uncomfortable, of course, I would change my delivery for them.

[604] But you're telling me how Monica felt in a situation I'm probably not getting on board with.

[605] But see, one thing you're not allowed to say to people anymore is like, on a scale of one to ten, how uncomfortable were you?

[606] I mean, let's put it on that scale.

[607] But now you're not allowed to ask people that anymore, right?

[608] Because all that matters is that they were made to feel unsafe or that they were insulted or that they were offended.

[609] And you're not allowed to say, how offended?

[610] Because like when my needle's between 9 and 10, I might say something about it.

[611] But if it's hovering between 1 and 2, I'm not going to say a thing.

[612] I'm going to forget about it.

[613] Do you think you and I could agree right now on what a 10 is?

[614] Like, I'd like to submit as a 10 is like, you're Carrie.

[615] They tricked you into thinking you were the prom queen, and then they dumped pig's blood all over you in front of the entire school.

[616] Like, that's a 10.

[617] So where is this diabetes joke on that scale?

[618] Right.

[619] I guess it's also just you have to know, like, the woman who is offended by the epilepsy joke.

[620] I wish she would have some self -awareness that what's happening, happening is she's triggered, I guess, by her own connection to that disease.

[621] But she's not really triggered by the joke.

[622] It's just she's bummed out that that's something in her world.

[623] And it shouldn't be then transferred onto, well, there can't be jokes about it or there can't be this.

[624] Like, I don't know.

[625] I think people don't do enough like self -reflection as to what's really happening in that moment when they're offended.

[626] Oh, well, sometimes it's just a word that's used and then people think it's a joke about trans people and it's like no it's actually not you just heard the word trans and you went full alert and you stopped and you didn't listen to the rest of the joke or the rest of the story and that happens quite often i was in england why just got back we have this woman who helps out in the garden sometimes she helps my boyfriend out in the garden and anyway so i walked into the kitchen and she was saying to hugh she was saying so anyway this guy didn't look gay and he didn't sound gay so we were all shocked when we found out that he was and so that was my moment to say oh what does a gay person look like or sound like but she meant well and even though she would have been the first I mean she has scolded me before over a similar thing but I didn't want to be like her and so I didn't say anything because I don't want to be that person Because, again, that was like maybe a two on the scale.

[627] Similarly, we were in England, and we had these friends coming for Christmas, and so we hired a car to go meet our friends at the airport, right?

[628] And so we said to the dispatcher, we said, there are two men?

[629] And he said, are they flamboyant?

[630] Oh, my God.

[631] Are they flamboyer.

[632] And so I guess I could have said, oh, right, because all gay men are flamboyant, But instead, I just laughed.

[633] It was like he handed me a little present.

[634] I mean, it's such a good little story to tell.

[635] And I'm absolutely no problem with what you said.

[636] So that's a one or two to you, and I'm glad it is.

[637] But I guess there's a scenario where you're still living in a very small town and you're not getting gainful employment because people are homophobic.

[638] And then maybe that sentence is more impactful to you.

[639] Yeah, that's why I moved.

[640] So you can stay in the small town and you can feel all those feelings or you can fucking move to a better place and put it all behind you.

[641] Have your own show on Sunday mornings.

[642] Yeah.

[643] Where are you at currently?

[644] Because we're going to England in a couple weeks for like three weeks.

[645] You know, before I went to England, everyone, right?

[646] Everybody, like even the dormant in my building.

[647] We're like, England, that's not safe at all.

[648] You know, you can't be going to England.

[649] I didn't see that at all.

[650] The only thing there is a guy had to take a COVID test to fly to England.

[651] And in New York, there are trucks parked on the street, and it was free.

[652] I went, there was no line.

[653] It was free.

[654] And in England, it's kind of screwy how much it costs to get a COVID test.

[655] Like, I paid 125 pounds for one that would give me my results in 24 hours.

[656] Oh, wow.

[657] Yeah, it's like, what, like 200 bucks?

[658] yeah and then it changes the rules change pretty quickly but you know what one that was really nice about being there like on the subway you're supposed to wear a mask and probably on the subway i don't know half people half the people had masks on but the other half weren't like yeah what are you going to do about it what are you going to do about so there was none of that confrontational it was more like oh i can't do it anymore or i left my mask at home but it wasn't I'm a patriot.

[659] Yeah, it just felt all of that stuff felt easier to me there.

[660] A mask wasn't a campaign button.

[661] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes.

[662] Do you think you will write a book about quarantine?

[663] Because I kind of want your point of view on the whole experience, because I know mine, I've heard a lot of people's, I have to imagine you have some kind of novel take on that whole experience.

[664] I mean, wrote an essay about it.

[665] I'm going to start a tour tomorrow.

[666] I'm going to 70 cities.

[667] And, well, the first show was supposed to be Wednesday, and that got canceled.

[668] So, I mean, it's pretty late in the day to cancel tomorrow, but that doesn't mean they can't cancel it.

[669] But so I have this story, an essay that I wrote about COVID.

[670] And I'm curious to see because maybe people will be like, you know what, this is the first event we've gone to.

[671] So I'm saying, do we have to sit here and listen to this?

[672] So I don't know.

[673] I'm not sure how it will work.

[674] One thing I thought was interesting during COVID.

[675] is, like, in the New York Times, they have a real estate section.

[676] And Cila Ward, the actress, she was selling her loft in Soho.

[677] And it was like, it wasn't that big.

[678] It was like 1 ,200 square feet or something.

[679] And there was an interview with her.

[680] And she said, I cut it up into different spaces so I could create and eliminate spaces.

[681] But it's too small for when we have company because it wound up being only one bedroom.

[682] Well, I was fascinated by the one downsmanship that happened.

[683] during the pandemic, right?

[684] And then people like, oh, how nice that 2 ,200 square feet is too small for you, CLA Ward, while their entire families living in a studio apartment.

[685] You can't even...

[686] Like, if I wrote an essay, I woke up and washed my face, oh, how nice.

[687] I sold my face so I can support my family.

[688] I sold.

[689] And now when I eat, all the food falls out onto my lap because I don't have cheeks to hold it in anymore.

[690] Like, you couldn't say anything.

[691] Like when Ellen Jennera started doing her show from home, people were like, she lives in a mansion.

[692] It's like, yeah, bought with money, you gave her.

[693] Right.

[694] You know what I mean?

[695] How are you surprised that that's her home?

[696] And then when she made that joke, she said, oh, I feel like this is like prison.

[697] I'm wearing the same clothes every day and everyone in here is gay.

[698] How dare she?

[699] blah, blah, blah.

[700] And it's like, I'm sorry, that's just funny.

[701] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[702] Well, like in England, in England, if you tell somebody where you live, and then there's always some lip, oh, that's posh.

[703] Oh, like you moved there in order to make them feel bad.

[704] And it's like, well, you've asked me where I lived.

[705] I didn't lead with that.

[706] I'm just answering your question.

[707] Right.

[708] And there's a real sort of sourness there that you never see in America.

[709] I mean, in America, you're not poor.

[710] you're just not rich yet.

[711] You know, like people have that mindset that I'm just not rich yet.

[712] And the pandemic was the first time I saw that really kind of tarnish.

[713] Because generally speaking, we celebrate rich people in the United States.

[714] Well, it's tricky, though, because it's like how you frame it.

[715] So, like, people aren't mad at lottery winners, but they're very mad at Paris Hilton.

[716] That's a contradiction.

[717] But if Paris Hilton was ugly, If she was Christina Onassis, then I don't think that they would be mad that she had made money.

[718] Oh, that's a good.

[719] It's just jealousy.

[720] Right.

[721] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[722] For people who have not read, I read your New Yorker essay about the wake of your father.

[723] Well, my father, he died, and then there were, it was just endless.

[724] was a funeral at the Greek church and that service it was hours long and half of it's in Greek and it's exhausting and then that was in North Carolina then there was a burial in New York State oh wow and then there was another service at the Greek church oh wow so yeah so it was just no the cliches that you hear when somebody dies right either written or spoken like somebody wrote me and said you know I know you and your father had your differences, but you need to remember he did the best he could.

[725] Fuck you.

[726] No, he didn't.

[727] I mean, what's that based on that we all do the best that we can do?

[728] How dare you say, just, why would that you even let that shit come out of your mouth?

[729] What would it taste like coming out?

[730] Yeah.

[731] I would never say that to somebody.

[732] Well, he did the best he could.

[733] I mean, if that was his best, he was really pathetic.

[734] right you're like someone spent their whole life basically beating other people with coat hangers that wasn't the exact example but and then at the end of that someone says well they did the best they could well then also he'll always be with you ugh that was 64 years was enough I don't I don't need him with me and I know nobody knows what to say in a situation like that and I'm guilty of the same thing when people have died but there's only so much of it you can take yeah can i ask how much of this journal that compiles a carnival snackery i mean there's things from 2003 all the way up to end of 2020 20 yeah first are they actually literally coming right out of the page of your journal.

[735] And then two, what's the process like of you going through all that and curating what will be this book?

[736] It took a long time because there's only so much you can sit and read your old diary.

[737] My diary is not embarrassing.

[738] Like perhaps because I don't write about my feelings, right?

[739] So there wasn't any of that to be embarrassed about.

[740] There were things to be embarrassed about.

[741] You wouldn't believe the amount of time I spend writing about shopping.

[742] I mean, it's crazy.

[743] And horrible things can be going on in the world.

[744] They're not mentioned at all, you know.

[745] Yeah.

[746] September 11th, 2001, found a great deal on sneakers.

[747] I started writing on computer 2000.

[748] Even your journal?

[749] Yeah.

[750] But I print it out and make a book out of it at the end of every season.

[751] But my deal is that, like this morning, I wrote in my diary, and one week from today, I will revisit what I wrote today, and I'll clean it up.

[752] That means if there are three sentences in a row that start with the word he, I'll just clean it up.

[753] So this diary was pretty clean.

[754] Sometimes I would put things in, like I would say, my friend, Brian, because the reader might think, who's Brian?

[755] Or change a name because the editor said, well, people might think you're talking about your sister.

[756] or Amy.

[757] So maybe changes Amy's name to something else.

[758] Right.

[759] But it's pretty cleanly written.

[760] And how much will you write in general each day?

[761] Well, today I wrote two pages, but the day before yesterday, I wrote five pages.

[762] I go out at midnight and walk for five miles.

[763] Wait.

[764] Every night?

[765] In the city or in the country or wherever you're at?

[766] Everywhere.

[767] And you walk five miles a night?

[768] Yeah.

[769] How long does that take?

[770] It would think like an hour and 45 minutes.

[771] Wow.

[772] Who do you go with?

[773] I go by myself.

[774] Every now and then I'll go with somebody, but two nights ago.

[775] And when you're on the Upper East Side, you can not run into anybody.

[776] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[777] And I've had like three little run -ins with people that were like uncomfortable.

[778] So a couple nights ago, I'm walking up Park Avenue and I turned right on 72nd Street, and there's this woman, and she said, I'm just finished and smoking this joy.

[779] But I never smelled pot.

[780] She was smoking something.

[781] And then she said, hey, baby, you need a date.

[782] You want a date?

[783] I'm tight.

[784] I got a nice tight pussy.

[785] You want some of this tight pussy?

[786] And then she was glomming on to me, right?

[787] She was maybe in her late 20s.

[788] She had a t -shirt on that had stains on it.

[789] She'd just gotten out of somewhere.

[790] You know what I mean?

[791] Like jail or psychiatric hospital.

[792] And to get her away from me, I said, I'm gay.

[793] She said, I'll fuck you up the ass in.

[794] Oh, wow.

[795] She's versatile.

[796] Yeah, and then nothing would talk around of it.

[797] So I went to a building with the doorman, and I went and knocked down the door, and the doorman came and said, what do you want?

[798] Are you together?

[799] As I said, no, she said, yes.

[800] And I said, no, we're not together.

[801] We're not together.

[802] I said, she won't leave me alone.

[803] And she said, he's gay.

[804] He's gay.

[805] And he don't want any of my pussy.

[806] I told him, I'll turn him.

[807] I said, I'll fuck you in the ass.

[808] I'll turn you.

[809] And the doorman said, you don't know that he's gay.

[810] Maybe he's just married.

[811] Maybe he's a family man. And I'm like, oh, my God.

[812] Why are we talking about this?

[813] You know, like, can't you shoot her?

[814] And it was one of those situations.

[815] Nothing, nothing would make her go away.

[816] Nothing that was said.

[817] And so that took five pages the next day.

[818] Because I did not want to leave anything out of that because it just got crazier and crazier like when the doorman got involved.

[819] And it turned down.

[820] Now, she had just been there and asked to use a bathroom.

[821] And he sent her away.

[822] So he thought that I ran into this woman, and I thought, you can't treat people like that.

[823] And then I was going to bring her there and say, you have to let her use the bathroom.

[824] So that's what he was wary of.

[825] It wasn't my building.

[826] And she's like, you're afraid of a woman.

[827] You're a faggot.

[828] Afraid of a woman.

[829] Afraid of a woman.

[830] And it's like, not all women, but you're pretty scary.

[831] Certainly you.

[832] I think the best way to have gotten.

[833] rid of this woman was to say, I don't have any money.

[834] Yeah.

[835] Yes.

[836] You're right.

[837] Now that you think about it.

[838] Because she kept saying, I need some dick.

[839] And it's like, no, that's not what you, I mean, really what you need.

[840] No, no. You need some money.

[841] And I didn't have any money on me. Plus, where would we go?

[842] Yeah.

[843] Can I ask, is there a rural version of this walk you take?

[844] Yeah.

[845] Yeah.

[846] When I'm in Sussex, I just got back from England, and we were mainly in Sussex.

[847] And so I walk five miles a night there, and every single night I see a hedgehog.

[848] Oh, you do?

[849] Yeah, sometimes I would see four.

[850] Oh, my gosh.

[851] And have you ever seen a hedgehog?

[852] Never.

[853] No. No, they're super cute, though, right?

[854] Yeah, and when you come up on one, it's just, it's only defense is prayer.

[855] And it says, please don't kill me, please don't kill me, please don't kill me. And they just freeze there until you walk away.

[856] Oh.

[857] Prayer.

[858] It was beautiful.

[859] Well, I want to ask if you, because I do a lot of nighttime walking, too, not as much now that I have kids because they have to wake up so early, but I love to do it.

[860] And part of the reason I love to do it is I start concocting these fantasies.

[861] Like when you're out in the country at night, it's scary.

[862] I don't know.

[863] I find it, even if it's not scary, it's easy to let your imagination wander.

[864] Like, I'm going to see a big creature or someone's going to pull over and try to kill me. And something about that I really love, like I really buy into whatever fantasy I'm concocting.

[865] and I'm getting more and more scared throughout it, which I enjoy.

[866] Is any of that happening for you?

[867] Yeah, like one night I thought I passed this little path that leads in the woods, and I said, what if I looked over there, and I saw zombies feasting on a human body?

[868] And then I was just terrified from then on, just terrified.

[869] I've picked things up, like I've convinced myself so much I'm going to see a werewolf or something that I'll, like, I'll find a two -by -four, and I'll just start carrying that, or I'll pick up a rock, I love it.

[870] It reminds me of being like eight and being scared.

[871] But generally speaking, it's scarier in New York.

[872] Since I ran into that woman a couple nights ago, I haven't gone out at night.

[873] And instead, I go out first thing in the morning.

[874] And I'll get over it.

[875] But I was walking home from my sister's house one night.

[876] And these two men came around the corner.

[877] And I was like on 7th Avenue or something.

[878] And they kind of herded me. And so the hair stood up on my back.

[879] But it turned out one guy was just trying to get away from the other guy, right?

[880] And so the guy that was left said, are you for power?

[881] Are you for peace?

[882] And that's like, oh, fuck.

[883] And I said, I'm for peace.

[884] And he said, me too.

[885] And then it turned out we were going to go to Brooklyn.

[886] He and I were going to go to Brooklyn together.

[887] Can I ask you a really quick follow -up question, though, about saying that you prefer peace?

[888] Sure.

[889] Did you consider whether you were going to give him your real answer or the answer you thought would get rid of him?

[890] The answer that he'd get rid of him.

[891] Okay.

[892] And I didn't have any money on me. I don't bring my wallet when I go out late at night.

[893] But then I thought later, if someone's robbing you, if you said, I don't have any money, they're not going to believe you.

[894] You're still going to get beat up, but you'll be able to keep your ID.

[895] Well, how about just carrying like a 20 with you and no credit cards or anything you've got to have cancel?

[896] That's what I should do, just so I could get in a cab when I need to.

[897] Yeah.

[898] So this guy said, we were going to go to Brooklyn, and I said, I can't.

[899] I said, I have cancer.

[900] and I'm going to get my cancer medicine.

[901] I have to go get my cancer medicine.

[902] It was like 1 .30 in the morning.

[903] Who goes to the hospital and get cancer medicine at 1 .30?

[904] And I just said that because people are afraid of people with cancer, right?

[905] Yeah.

[906] And he said, cancer.

[907] He said, that's like COVID.

[908] It's just bullshit.

[909] And they're just trying to tell you that.

[910] We got pot and we got beer.

[911] We got what we need to cure ourselves.

[912] And I said, are you a doctor?

[913] And he said, no. And I said, then please don't tell me how to cure my cancer.

[914] You got indignant.

[915] And then I was turning on to 34th Street.

[916] And he said, I'm coming with you.

[917] And I said, no. I said, I need some time to think about everything you've said to me. And then that was it.

[918] Oh, my God.

[919] He left me alone.

[920] Are you open to me paling around with you at all?

[921] Seriously.

[922] And I want a real answer.

[923] Am I open to...

[924] Pailing around with me?

[925] Hanging out.

[926] Like, I would love to take that walk with you and just get into...

[927] I would like that.

[928] I would like that.

[929] Like if you come to New York or something.

[930] I would love that.

[931] But the only thing you need to know, because I'm 64, I have to pee constantly.

[932] So I know every bathroom in New York.

[933] So that's the thing, too.

[934] When I go out in the morning and I go to Central Park, I know all the bathrooms in Central Park.

[935] I mean, they're disgusting, but I know them.

[936] And a couple times, I'm not proud to say it.

[937] I have peed in Central Park at night.

[938] You know, just behind a tree.

[939] If everybody did that, then it would just be disgusting.

[940] So I'm not proud of it.

[941] Yeah, that's not going to be a hurdle for our friendship at all because I drink fluid compulsively.

[942] So I'm peeing generally every like 40 minutes I pee.

[943] But you know how women go to the bathroom together?

[944] Yeah.

[945] Men just don't.

[946] I was doing a recording last year.

[947] I was at a recording studio.

[948] And so I said to the engineer, I said, can you tell me where's the bathroom?

[949] He said right down the hall.

[950] He said, I'm going to.

[951] let's go.

[952] And then we peed together, and it was just so weird.

[953] Men just don't do that.

[954] So what I usually do is if you say, oh, good, there's a bathroom, I would say, I'll wait while you pee.

[955] And then when you came out, I would say, you know what, I kind of feel like I should do it, too.

[956] That's how I would do that.

[957] I'm open to whatever version of that you want.

[958] I don't have any real preferences about peeing with her without other people.

[959] But I do think what is different is that we're going to see.

[960] each other's penises if we pee together or there's some real probable likelihood that we're going to see each other's penises whereas when a woman asks another woman to join her at the bathroom there's no threat of seeing each other's vaginas i don't know i mean i think the reason guys don't go to the bathroom together is if you're just fucked up and they're not yeah just basically because they're fucked up in a way that women aren't like intimacy wise intimacy phobic if someone sees two women going to a bathroom they're not going to think, like, oh, they're going in there to get it on.

[961] But like my dad was telling me, my dad has a godson, and they both like golf, right?

[962] So my dad took his godson to see the, I don't know, some golf tournament, right?

[963] And my dad got them a room and he said, I'm afraid people are going to see us and think I'm a sugar daddy, you know, see us going into a room together.

[964] Are you jealous of this godson at all?

[965] You know what?

[966] I should have been so jealous.

[967] He went to West Point.

[968] He worked in finance.

[969] His name was Mike, and I was so grateful for him.

[970] Oh, he took the load off your shoulder.

[971] He was a son my dad never had.

[972] And I was, I never, never felt jealous of him.

[973] I just felt grateful to him.

[974] That's unexpected and good.

[975] What did your dad do for a living?

[976] He worked for IBM.

[977] Oh, okay.

[978] And then my dad's godson moved to London for a couple of years.

[979] So we started hanging out.

[980] And that was nice to kind of get to know him a little bit.

[981] Do you think there's parts of you that would remind one of your dad?

[982] I hope not.

[983] Well, look, I have had a long journey with my father.

[984] They got divorced when we were three and he split and whatever.

[985] I'm coming off of this story I have about him.

[986] But I will say this.

[987] For most of my life, I was trying to define myself in opposition of everything that he was.

[988] But the genetics just constantly, like, I'll look at my shoulder.

[989] I'm like, Jesus, man, that is.

[990] is exactly his shoulder.

[991] Like, the same freckle pattern.

[992] It feels the same as my dad's.

[993] We have the same, like, hand.

[994] There's just all this stuff where I'm like, I'm so him, it's crazy, like it or not.

[995] And so I just wonder, do you have those things where you're like, oh, I am my dad, even though I...

[996] No, I don't have my father's body and I don't have his hair.

[997] I mean, it was really easy for me to believe that he's not my father.

[998] Oh, okay, okay.

[999] I mean, if I found out that somebody else had father, bothered me, I wouldn't be terribly surprised by it.

[1000] Have you ever done a 23M