Why Kirk Struggled—Some Deeply Personal Insights to Help You in 2020

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[23] Happy new year, everyone.

[24] Welcome to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[25] This is Kirk Martin, found our Celebrate Calm.

[26] You can find us to Celebrate Calm .com.

[27] So happy you're here.

[28] This, I want to talk to you about breaking generational patterns and the old habits because I know New Year's, it's like make New Year's resolution.

[29] I hate all those things.

[30] But if it works for you, definitely do it.

[31] But if you're like most people, you'll resolve to do things and then by February you're no longer going to the gym.

[32] So we've got to break.

[33] What I want to do is break old patterns that we have.

[34] Most of us probably have these from our childhood.

[35] Give you a couple examples that happen like within our family unit.

[36] Here's what ours are.

[37] If you've heard my podcast before, CDs you'd know my dad was career military yelling and screaming so guess what I grew up knowing how to do yell scream react everything when things don't go my way I use fear and intimidation that was an old pattern of mine that I continued to replicate from my dad in my family and if I had not changed that my son would have continued that down through the generations and that's what's so cool about look this whole philosophy of this is there's only one person in life you can control and that's yourself.

[38] And the quickest way to change your child's behavior, even your spouse's behavior, is to first control your own.

[39] And if you really dig deep and own your stuff, you'll realize that you play a part in just about every single thing in your life.

[40] And that that is not a blame thing.

[41] It's not a negative.

[42] It's actually really good news because of changing my life and my relationships and my child's behavior is dependent on changing another person.

[43] person's behavior, then I'm done.

[44] You're lost because you're never going to do it.

[45] When you try to change other people's behavior, it usually frustrates them and it frustrates you.

[46] But when I said about relentlessly changing myself, that is 100 % within my control.

[47] And so when I finally got this epiphany many, many years ago after trying to change my son, it radically changed our in our family because I began putting my energy not into changing who my son was.

[48] Quick aside, just got an email over the holidays.

[49] By the way, I hope you enjoyed Hanukkah and Christmas and the holiday season.

[50] I know some of you are ready for your kids to go back to school and you're like, I can't wait to go back to work.

[51] There's order and structure there and there are rules and it's kind of peaceful at work, not at my house.

[52] But anyway, I got this email of like, well, our son is really talking.

[53] He talks all the time.

[54] he's getting trouble at school what can we do and the whole the whole tone of the email was we need to change my son and my response was that's who your son is he's a talker it doesn't mean you can't change that it doesn't mean you can't give him tools because that's what we do with kids who talk all the time we give them tools to learn how to use that gift and that that quality in positive and appropriate ways.

[55] But if your whole view is like, we have to get him to not be a talker, that's not happening.

[56] Instead, I want to use that, know like, okay, he's going to be irritating.

[57] He's probably going to get in trouble school a lot.

[58] He's going to speak up during church at times when you don't want him to, but there are a lot of good qualities there that we can use.

[59] And so if you start to change how you look at your kids, because I guarantee you, most of you look at your kids like they're strong will and they're difficult and they're challenging.

[60] And I know they are because they only want to do things on their own terms.

[61] And when they wake up in the morning, these kids have an agenda.

[62] They know what they like.

[63] They know what they don't like.

[64] And they're never going to do it your way.

[65] They're going to do it the difficult way.

[66] And they're going to do things the hard way, even if it means it makes it more difficult on them.

[67] And rather than listen to you the first time, they're going to push the limits and they're going to take the consequences and they don't care about them.

[68] I get it.

[69] They're really difficult.

[70] But if all you ever do is kind of complain about that.

[71] Nothing will ever change.

[72] And so you've got to break these patterns because these patterns stay with us like, you know, but look, I wanted to kind of share this insight.

[73] Some of these things that we experience as kids, these things that we experience in life, they hurt us, but they also benefit us.

[74] So here's some perspective.

[75] So when I'm a little kid, right, I've got two older brothers, my oldest brother, very strong -willed, very smart artist kind of guy, career military father.

[76] Not a good mix.

[77] So then my oldest brother, my next oldest brother was born less than a year after him, and then I came like three years later, and then I have a younger brother.

[78] And so here's one of the patterns I developed as well.

[79] I learned to hide.

[80] So I learned to, when things get tougher, there's an issue, I wouldn't directly address it.

[81] And I would kind of hide hoping it would go away.

[82] well guess when that doesn't work well in a marriage why because you have issues that come up with your children and in your marriage and then i would just put it off like oh it's no big deal that's why by the way that's why i often dismissed my wife it wasn't just because i was a jerk and a dismiss typical dismissive uh husband of like oh honey there's no need to be upset you're just overreacting.

[83] You know what?

[84] There's no, you know, Casey doesn't have any problems.

[85] You know, he's just a little boy.

[86] He's going to be fine.

[87] That's what I used to say about Casey when he was a little kid.

[88] My wife would bring up like, look, he's having some serious issues in school.

[89] You know, he's going to be fine.

[90] He's going to be just fine.

[91] And so I want you to have compassion for each other.

[92] This is not an excuse because I just said you've got to take responsibility for yourself and control and change yourself.

[93] But look where that was coming from.

[94] As a a little kid, I didn't know how to handle this stuff, so I hid behind everything.

[95] So I become an adult.

[96] Guess what?

[97] I hi.

[98] That hurts my marriage, hurts my relationship with my son until I finally learned how to deal without myself.

[99] Now, there's a good side to these things, and I always want to find the good side and things.

[100] You know what else I learned how to do as a little kid?

[101] I learned how to observe and read people because while I was hiding, what I was doing was observing.

[102] Because what I was really doing is preserving myself emotionally.

[103] It was just emotionally, it was an emotional survival tactic with an authoritarian father who couldn't control himself and who lashed out when things went wrong.

[104] So I learned to hide behind my two older brothers, who unfortunately took the brunt of his emotional abuse, emotional beatings, whatever you want to call it.

[105] They took that.

[106] But what I learned to do was quietly kind of observe from the sidelines.

[107] And I started to observe things.

[108] And that's why I think that I'm really good at what I do now with people is, especially like when we do live workshops and people come up to talk to me during a break or afterwards and ask me, I see things in body posture.

[109] I see things and I hear things in tone of voice very powerfully that gives me insight.

[110] Why?

[111] Because that's what I did my entire childhood to basically survive.

[112] Because I wanted to know when my dad got home from work, how is he walking through the door?

[113] How did he close the door of the Chevy Impala that he drove?

[114] What were his first words when he walked through the home?

[115] What was the tone of voice?

[116] that would tell me, uh -oh, my mom, he's going to be yelling at my mother and there's going to be a fight or to know whether I could go and approach him and ask him if he wanted to go outside and play catch with me. See, I had to figure that stuff out very quickly within seconds of how he came through the door of our home so that I knew how the night was going to go so I could determine, do I get on my bike and ride over to my friend's house and spend time there?

[117] Do I go to my room?

[118] Back then, we didn't have earbuds and headphones, so I couldn't drown out the sound of my bomb screaming when my dad started yelling at her, right?

[119] And so you have to become very good at figuring out and reading people.

[120] So that was the side benefit of a really nasty thing that happened.

[121] So what I want to do is a grown adult now, and that's what we want to be, right?

[122] because I know everybody, like the New Year's resolution stuff are fine, but I want to break generational patterns because that lasts literally for generations.

[123] The greatest gift I have ever given to my son is breaking this pattern from my dad.

[124] So that when I began, when he, I started changing, guess what was happening when my son was little?

[125] When I'd come home from work, guess what he had to do?

[126] the same thing that I did as a little kid what dad is walking through my home tonight the one who's going to go to the basement and play hockey with me in the basement and be fun or the dad is going to yell at me because I didn't pick up my stuff because I didn't do well in school where I got in trouble which dad's coming home through the door and when he was eight nine years old guess why he was so emotional because I was right and so when I broke that pattern then my whole family could relax because when I came home from work my wife didn't have to tiptoe around and walk on eggshells wondering like what's the night going to be like and my son didn't have to be like and I I'm getting a lot of breakthroughs with men with this and that's why I'm so tough on men because I don't really have a lot of I have a lot of sympathy for us because we don't know how to do this stuff right and so that's why I mentioned before and sorry for bouncing around a little bit but I want to hit this stuff that husband who's dismissing your concerns probably isn't just an a -hole does he act like one of course and I know you're going to want to divorce him because it's hard to take that dismissiveness but when you realize why he does that and the fact that it was probably a survival skill with his own father it gives you a little bit of mercy and compassion to approach him and to begin working on that.

[127] Guys, same thing with your wives.

[128] They have patterns that they developed, right?

[129] Some of your wives frustrate you, and they probably frustrate you because they're just carrying on the same pattern they had as a kid or something they saw with their mother, right?

[130] Moms, a lot of you had that martyr mother who did everything for everybody else and nothing for herself, and it sounds very virtuous, but it ends up becoming a really nasty pattern.

[131] You get bitter and resentful.

[132] After all I do for you and you can't even do, oh, well, you need to look at yourself with that, realize your kids didn't ask you to do everything for them.

[133] You chose that, and you're doing it maybe as a subtle form of manipulation, because if you do all those things for them, then they owe you to be good and to listen to you.

[134] That's That's a nasty little trap.

[135] And some of you have a mother, 70, 60, 80 -year -old mother who still uses the same thing on you.

[136] And it's a chance for you to break that pattern so your kids don't, look, if you don't want to do it for yourself, fine.

[137] But do it for your kids because it's not fair to recognize this pattern and then continue it and burden them with it.

[138] so that your child then has to be 38 years old wondering, why did I just F up my whole marriage?

[139] Sorry for the language, but I didn't say the word, so just roll with it.

[140] Why did I end up effing up all my relationships?

[141] I didn't even realize I had these patterns.

[142] And guess what you get to do?

[143] You get to break the pattern and teach your kids and say, you don't have to struggle with this when you're 25 and 30.

[144] You don't have to have a string of relationships that are broken.

[145] And look, most of us, our relationships are broken, not because of other people, but because of something inside of us.

[146] I used to say this all the time at the live workshops, and I encourage you, by the way, book a live workshop because we get to do a lot of really cool things at the live workshop.

[147] Stuff comes out when you get a group, look, picture a group of people.

[148] I don't care if it's 50 people, 100 people, 200 people.

[149] people together and you have all of these lives living right in front of you and all these dynamics of people with different childhoods and different experiences and they're all there in the same room and what happens is I pick up on those things and I'm and in the course of a workshop it's not just about giving you strategies you can look at some of our live workshops on our website and see they're really cool and I'll give you your works tips of like how to get your kids up in the morning without a fight how to get their homework done All that stuff I can do very easily.

[150] That's why they're all over our programs and it'll change your family.

[151] It's all awesome stuff.

[152] But when we're live together and I'm absorbing all of that stuff, stuff comes out.

[153] And we have so many breakthroughs from people who are like, oh, I never noticed that before.

[154] You're speaking deep inside of me. That pattern is within me. And so I hate to say it's not, it's not like.

[155] like I do a lecture, right?

[156] I don't walk up with a script of saying like, here are the 10 things that you need to change.

[157] It's not boring.

[158] It's live.

[159] Every single event we do is very, very different based on who's there and what's happening in my life.

[160] I'm continually growing.

[161] Look, you're going to hear in this podcast and the last couple that I did, I've talked about my father a little bit more.

[162] And I just realized that I didn't usually talk to him in this way.

[163] Something new, something difference happening within me and I'm growing.

[164] And I think that's why this whole celebrate calm thing has continued to grow because I keep growing and changing.

[165] And as I change and I recognize things about myself, I can share that with you.

[166] And we can break those patterns and keep going to deeper and deeper levels.

[167] And it's really freaking cold.

[168] And that's why it never gets boring.

[169] I've done 1 ,500 live events.

[170] They never get boring.

[171] I never feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over again because it changes things.

[172] So if you want to book a live event, take an action step.

[173] Stop hoping someone else, well, are you guys, we always get this.

[174] Well, when are you guys coming to my town?

[175] I don't know when you freaking do something and bring us to your town.

[176] I don't just, like, look, I don't just like wake up in the morning and say, hey, let's pick a spot on the map.

[177] I think we'll go to Kansas next week or next month or in March.

[178] I, look, I, I, anyway, I'm not.

[179] I, I'm not.

[180] we just don't decide that.

[181] It happens because someone hears a podcast or read something online or does something say, we need to have Kirk and Casey come to our school, to our church, to our synagogue, to our foster care conference, adoption care, and deliver this material, interact with us, and they contact us.

[182] And then we make it happen, and we're really easy.

[183] We don't require like M &Ms and all kinds of stuff like rock stars.

[184] We basically go there to serve.

[185] So we'll bring you M &Ms if you want.

[186] We'll set up the chairs at the event.

[187] It gives me something to do before the workshop to handle my control my anxiety.

[188] So look, just email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCalm .com or call 888 -506 -1871.

[189] And tell us your city.

[190] Tell us where you are.

[191] And let's book this stuff and bring us out there.

[192] And we get to meet and we get to interact and draw these things out.

[193] And we're changing generational patterns.

[194] And by the way, the cool thing is some of these things will literally change your child overnight and change your home overnight.

[195] And some of them will change things generationally.

[196] It's really cool.

[197] So where was I going with that?

[198] So here's one that I gave, I've heard from a dad, because I gave this challenge to some dads that I guarantee this will begin to change your family.

[199] If you go in and talk to your family and say, kids, I need to own up to the fact that I lose my temper too easily and too quickly.

[200] I get upset and then I lash out at you guys.

[201] And I can expect you to control yourself if I can't control myself.

[202] I overreact and I know that it makes everyone uncomfortable.

[203] I apologize for that and I'm going to change.

[204] That's cool.

[205] That will change your family.

[206] But it will cost you everything, meaning your pride.

[207] Because it's really hard because many of us guys, we have hero complex.

[208] Well, I don't want to let my family know that I struggle.

[209] They already know.

[210] It's pretty clear, right?

[211] That you have.

[212] have an anger issue or you overreact to things right and so when you do that though you will set you will set in course see there's accountability there when i and and moms it can be you whatever it is for you that you want to apologize look for some of you i apologize for doing too much for you i think i've sent the message that you're not capable of being responsible for yourself.

[213] I think I've sent the message you're not capable of being successful on your own without me constantly lecturing you and micromanaging you.

[214] So I apologize for that because I believe you are capable.

[215] And I'm going to start controlling myself.

[216] So you know what happens when you say that to your kids?

[217] Now they get to hold you accountable.

[218] And now they get to say, mom, you're doing that thing again.

[219] Hey, dad, dad, you're doing that thing again.

[220] It's really uncomfortable.

[221] Because you know what that does to your family when you're ranting and raving and all upset about everything now they're on eggshells and they don't know what to do and when they're stuck in the car with you because that's what i used to do because that's what my dad did they're held hostage to you because they don't know what you're going to do and now they're just holding their breath waiting for you to get control of yourself but when you own up to your stuff that's cool right so determine what are the old patterns you want to break what are you tired of complaining about out, right?

[222] Because look, are you tired yet of complaining?

[223] Well, my child isn't motivated.

[224] He's just lazy.

[225] I guarantee you your kids aren't lazy.

[226] They're not motivated, but that's a different thing, right?

[227] And I guarantee you, here's a quick tool.

[228] Do the opposite of what you normally do.

[229] What do you normally do?

[230] Well, you know, you need to start doing this when I was a kid.

[231] You did it.

[232] You know, and I don't know why you can't do that.

[233] If you don't get this done, I'm going to take this away from you.

[234] Well, it hasn't worked for the first eight or 10 or 12 or 14 years of your life.

[235] Guess what happened?

[236] Guess what?

[237] It's not going to work in 2020.

[238] But I guarantee you if you humble yourself and you go with that kind of that really low -key tone that we teach, say, you know what?

[239] I wish I was more like you.

[240] I wish I had the courage sometimes to stand up for myself to do things differently.

[241] I wish I did have the courage to push the limits a little bit.

[242] I'm too cautious in life, but you just go for it.

[243] And I want to learn a little bit from you.

[244] You know what?

[245] you do weird things.

[246] Lay up on, don't tell your kids they do weird things, but you know what I mean.

[247] But some of your kids do weird things, they always want to lay up off the sofa upside down.

[248] Well, instead of complaining about it all the time, go lay off the sofa upside down and say, you know what?

[249] I'd really like to understand what the world looks like from your viewpoint.

[250] Because I've spent the first six, eight, 12, 14, four, two years of your life, whatever it is, trying to change you and make you be more like me. You know why?

[251] Because I've got control issues and I've got a lot of anxiety.

[252] and it makes me uncomfortable when you're like this.

[253] But I'm going to push myself out of my comfort zone.

[254] I'm going to lay upside down with you and say, what do you see when you're like this?

[255] It's part of the reason I want you to do.

[256] If you don't have it, get the no BS program.

[257] It's on sale.

[258] We're keeping it on sale through the new year.

[259] It's at the website, Celebrate Calm .com.

[260] Look at the web.

[261] There's two tabs.

[262] There's one that calls no BS.

[263] And I did that because people ask for an instruction manual.

[264] Just give it to a straight.

[265] What do we need to do with a strong -will child?

[266] So I give it to you straight, 25 action steps.

[267] Best thing you possibly invested, 25 actions.

[268] steps and one of them is entering into your child's world and learning about your child how he sees things because I guarantee you your kids feel very misunderstood and if you were to start the new year and leave this podcast and put it on hold right now go to your child and say does it ever feel like we misunderstand your motives I guarantee you that will reach down into that child's heart and it will begin to change them because you're taking ownership and you begin to to apologize for calling them lazy and saying if you would just apply yourself, which is a horribly damaging phrase.

[269] And I guarantee we go through this 25 action steps.

[270] So you go through apologizing and understanding what's really going on inside of them.

[271] You will change their behavior, but it starts with you.

[272] Are you tired of complaining about the fact that your spouse is the way they are?

[273] Right.

[274] Like you don't connect emotionally with me. Well, guess what?

[275] You probably married a stunt, an emotionally stunted person.

[276] Why?

[277] Because most of us are.

[278] Because the way, whatever, it's because life happens and we try to survive.

[279] But I guarantee you if you went alongside that spouse and say, you know what?

[280] It means a lot to me that you're trying.

[281] I know you're not there.

[282] By the way, stop watching all of those movies and all of those, reading all those books with the perfect man or woman who's like, you know what I'm saying.

[283] They're like, big, strong guy who's like, who makes a lot of money.

[284] He's capable of making things with his hands, but he's also emotionally vulnerable.

[285] These people don't exist, okay?

[286] It's why those books are called fiction.

[287] And I'm kind of being funny, but kind of not.

[288] They're often very damaging to relationships.

[289] Because if you ever watch those romantic comedies, you know why those guys are so awesome?

[290] Because they're reading a freaking script.

[291] If you gave me a script to read, I could be that guy too.

[292] but I don't know what to say and do in the moment because I never learned this stuff and that's why we try to teach you this stuff right I try to teach guys like hey when your wife says this to you here's how you respond here's exactly what you say here's what she's looking for right because nobody told us taught us how to be emotionally vulnerable right I don't even know what that meant until most of the way through my marriage and so we try to teach you this in real life steps And so anyway, have a little compassion for each other.

[293] Have a compassion for yourself.

[294] Having compassion for your child and realize you're just figuring this stuff out.

[295] Do you lecture too much?

[296] Well, that's your issue.

[297] That's your own anxiety.

[298] And once you can realize that and say, hey, son, daughter, do I lecture too much?

[299] You're going to be like, uh -huh.

[300] Say, yeah, I know.

[301] It's my own anxiety.

[302] See, I have anxiety about your future because I love you so much.

[303] And I want you to do so well.

[304] And I get so anxious.

[305] and so I think lecturing is going to work, but I think what's happened is I've actually pushed you away from me, and that's not what I want.

[306] So can you and I have a code word that every time I start lecturing, you use this code word so that I develop the self -awareness to know that I'm actually pushing you away because that's not what I want, right?

[307] Some of you, the thing is you need to be a firm parent, right, who doesn't get pushed around.

[308] I just got this really cool email from a dad right before I recorded this, and he was like, well, we've got, Limits on our son with his phone, but his friends don't have any limits.

[309] And so when we tell our son to get off the phone, he calls us, he has just, the dad was funny.

[310] He said, just to say he has a very good vocabulary.

[311] So I was like, good for you, for being a parent with some self -respect who doesn't need his child to like him and who has the courage to put limits on to know what's best for your child, right, even if it's hard for you.

[312] And so we went through some different ways to put limits on the child without always creating a power struggle.

[313] But some of you need that, develop that sense of self -respect because your kids don't respect you because you don't respect yourself.

[314] So I want you to begin this new year with, let's begin, let's find one thing you want to change about your child and figure out, or your spouse, and figure out what is it about yourself that you can change that will impact that.

[315] begin doing the opposite of what normally do.

[316] And I encourage you go to this website celebrate calm .com and you'll see a tab for new years.

[317] And what we're going to do is start the new year off with a special sale on everything we've ever created.

[318] And this includes everything, everything.

[319] All the CD programs, marriage program, it includes the no BS program.

[320] If you already have the CDs, just get the no BS program.

[321] But if you don't have it, get the whole package of everything we've ever created.

[322] And in there, you're going to also have the 30 days to calm program.

[323] And I encourage you to start with that because we go through your triggers.

[324] What are your triggers?

[325] When you come home from work, when you interact with your child or your spouse, what triggers you?

[326] And then we begin developing a different response to the trigger.

[327] And what happens if you have personality like me, it's just developing new neural connections and new habits.

[328] And so that's why I started coming home from work and sitting down.

[329] Why?

[330] Why?

[331] Because when I sit down, it's harder to yell at my son.

[332] It changed things.

[333] When I began sitting down, I began asking questions instead of demanding things.

[334] And I did the opposite of what I'd normally do.

[335] And what I'll walk through with you is when you go through these programs, you can email me and say, hey, I'm going through this program.

[336] Here's my trigger.

[337] What could I do differently?

[338] I'll help you with that.

[339] You invest in our stuff.

[340] You invest in changing yourself.

[341] And I'll keep investing in you.

[342] but don't sorry i know this is going to sound jerky but don't just say like well we've never bought your stuff we've never invested but could you help me with my deep issues i'm a compassionate person i love to help people and i'll help you but look if you're not willing to invest your time and look money is investing time because and i will always i don't care if i have five million dollars i'm not giving stuff away because there's something that happens when you invest in it Because you know what money is?

[343] It's an investment of emotional, it's an investment of your emotions and investment of time.

[344] Because in order to get money, you have to take your time and put your energy into working.

[345] And then you get that money and then you invest it and you give it.

[346] And I'm invested.

[347] I will invest in you.

[348] I've invested in all of this with countless.

[349] It doesn't matter.

[350] But there's something cool that goes on there that I always honor in people.

[351] Because when I ever get that email and they're like, hey, I'm going through this program, I invest in your stuff.

[352] I'm like, okay, I'm going to honor that because you invested and I'm going to invest back with you.

[353] We're going to keep investing together until you change.

[354] And I'm committed to that.

[355] I tell people, I hope to be around doing this for another 10, 20, 30 years because I'm going to keep changing myself and I will work with you.

[356] And anytime a dad emails especially and says, listen, I've got this problem with my anger or I look at stuff on the internet I shouldn't look at or I've got this problem.

[357] I'll work with you because if you're willing to change, I'll help you change.

[358] Anyway, let's start the new year off.

[359] Find one thing to change.

[360] Let's change it.

[361] Let's begin breaking that pattern because this is generational.

[362] It's really, really cool.

[363] If we can help you in any way, email Casey for help.

[364] If you need help financially, ask for it.

[365] That's called being assertive.

[366] I need help financially.

[367] By the way, let me tell you something quickly.

[368] This is really cool.

[369] I wasn't planning to do this and maybe it'll come up another time.

[370] But I had this mom email and this was really cool.

[371] I may actually share this another time.

[372] I'm deciding now whether I share this because there may be a better time to share it.

[373] I think I'll share it another time.

[374] It's a really cool thing.

[375] I'd rather devote some energy to it because it's really kind of cool.

[376] Anyway, if we can help you email Casey.

[377] Casey at Celebrate Calm.

[378] Call us 888 -506 -1871.

[379] We're at Celebrate Calm .com.

[380] We have a free newsletter of these podcasts.

[381] We have a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm.

[382] Let's make 2020 the year that you change yourself.

[383] How cool would that be?

[384] To break the patterns you had from childhood, to break these patterns and become a new human being.

[385] What a gift to your kids and to them generationally.

[386] Anyway, thank you for investing your time in listening to this.

[387] Thank you for doing the hard emotional work to change.

[388] If we can help you, let us know.

[389] Thanks so much.

[390] Welcome to 2020.

[391] Bye -bye.