Kirk Answers Your Toughest Questions!

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[24] So do you have a child who dominates others, who's bossy, who controls the home, environment or maybe they struggle with social skills or they whine and complain and they're bored all the time or they won't do their homework maybe they lie they won't take responsibility for things well if you do you're not alone because last week i posts on our facebook page hey what do you struggle with most let me know i'll record a special podcast and then i came back and they're like 143 responses so i'm working through them so this is number one bonus podcast q and a where i'm going to start answering those questions.

[25] They're going to be all over the board.

[26] I'm just going to tell you up front, some of my answers may seem a little bit short, maybe even a little bit flipping and they're not meant to be, but I do want to have fun with this.

[27] And I can't repeat everything we repeat in our programs.

[28] Otherwise, this would be a 30 -hour podcast, right?

[29] But I will try to throw out some different ideas that maybe you haven't thought of before or a different angle.

[30] I'm going to throw out some ideas that you're going to resist.

[31] And I want you to do them anyway because what you're doing now isn't working, right?

[32] So why not try something a little bit weird, a little bit odd, and just see what happens.

[33] And if you try it and it doesn't work, then email me and tell me, and we'll brainstorm a little bit more, right?

[34] Or we can do a phone consultation.

[35] But it's really, I want to try to help with some things to just, you know, it's hard as a parent.

[36] You get in a little bit of a rut of this is what we always do.

[37] Or you have a strong will child.

[38] And they're just very different.

[39] And they don't process and think about things the same way you do.

[40] They don't see the world the same way.

[41] So some of the answers are actually not going to be always answers.

[42] It might just be insight to provoke some new thinking inside of you.

[43] So I hope you find this helpful.

[44] If you don't know us, I'm Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm .com.

[45] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[46] I'm not going to tell you all about us.

[47] If you kind of like this approach, then follow us and start listening to more podcasts and reach out if you ever need anything to our strong -willed son because he was all of these things that I just described as a kid, but he's a grown man now.

[48] His name's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[49] Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with.

[50] We get together as a family.

[51] We talk about it personally.

[52] We respond to you personally very quickly because that's our family mission is just to help you through this.

[53] And you know, the main thing is not to get kids to behave.

[54] It is to raise kids who are happy and confident and who use their gifts, talents, and passions and to have a relationship with these kids no matter how difficult they are and they are difficult.

[55] So if we can help you anyway, let us know.

[56] So let's dive into this.

[57] There are 140 questions.

[58] I'm not getting them all done right now.

[59] I'm not Joe Rogan.

[60] I'm not doing a three hour podcast because you won't listen to me that long.

[61] Neither would I. But I'm going to go until I kind of start losing energy here.

[62] And then maybe later today or tomorrow, I'll do another one.

[63] So, bear with me because I'm going to be reading through some of the questions, this isn't going to be as highly polished, not that our regular podcasts are, but just roll with me on that a little bit, okay?

[64] And I think you'll get a lot out of this.

[65] So, Sarah, right, says, five -year -old, has to go first when among her peers or has to dominate.

[66] I watched her during gymnastics this week.

[67] She walked up to a girl who she didn't even know who was using an apparatus.

[68] and I could see that my daughter was speaking to the girl.

[69] Well, the girl removed her hands from the apparatus and stepped aside.

[70] And my kid then confidently stepped up and took over the apparatus.

[71] Mom says, great in the boardroom as an adult, terrible at gymnastics among five -year -olds.

[72] I don't want to raise a mean girl, but she insists on being the line leader.

[73] I feel like I model kindness, but I'm just not seeing that.

[74] and so here are my initial responses and Sarah I'm going to be a little bit tough on you and some of the parents who I'm responding to because I'm making a larger point right so please don't take it personally like I'm yelling at you although I am speaking kind of loudly right now because there's energy in it right so when I read this here are my first thoughts good your daughter has initiative we need leaders she knew what she wanted and I want you to relax right and just right relax with some of this stuff and i'll challenge you with this why isn't that okay for a five -year -old to do what did she do wrong my answer would be nothing right and we have these false expectations oh all little kids are supposed to share and take turns no they're not look your daughter think what she did not do she didn't push the other girl off the apparatus.

[75] Some of you have kids who would have done that.

[76] And I still would have said, good, she's got initiative.

[77] She didn't yell at this daughter.

[78] Here's what she did.

[79] Your daughter went up to the other girl and she talked to her.

[80] And she got what she wanted.

[81] She was, in our words, assertive.

[82] And we want girls to speak up for what they want.

[83] I want moms to be assertive about what you want and what you need.

[84] other girl had every opportunity and right to say no I'd like to play with this first but she didn't and your daughter did and so I read this as a very beautiful thing that happened and I want you and I really mean this moms and dads resist trying to change her just because her behavior makes you feel uncomfortable because see that's not the way you would have handled it.

[85] You would have gone up and said, do you mind if I do that?

[86] You know, I'm not really that important and my needs aren't important.

[87] So I understand if you want to say no and if you want to just do it.

[88] See, that's the way you would do it.

[89] True?

[90] Because that's the way I would have done it before too.

[91] But that's not the way your daughter did it.

[92] Your daughter looked over and said, I want to play with that toy with that apparatus.

[93] And she went up in a very grown -up adult way and talk to this little girl and got what she wanted and that is an awesome thing right and I want you to resist trying to change your kids because watch oh or the other parents watching that your girl your daughter wants to be the line leader see you said I don't want to raise a mean girl but she insists on being the line leader what does insisting on being the line leader have anything to do with being mean all it means is I'm a born leader I know what I want, and I'm good at it, and so I want to be the line leader.

[94] What if nobody ever wanted to be the line leader?

[95] Nothing would ever get done in our world.

[96] We need some people.

[97] Look, my son, our son Casey, I talk about all the time.

[98] He never walked.

[99] He marches, right?

[100] Our son marches, and part of it was I taught him you walk with a purpose, right?

[101] And so he's always wanted to be the leader.

[102] He does side jobs now in a catering business.

[103] Guess what he just got promoted to, very quickly, being the line leader.

[104] He's the manager.

[105] And guess what happens now?

[106] The big bosses don't even have to stay at these high profile events, right, with these very wealthy people and important people that have closed door meetings and you have to sign all these NDAs and all these things.

[107] Guess who works those events alone?

[108] My son.

[109] Why?

[110] Because he insists on being the line leader.

[111] That is a great quality.

[112] And watch, I'll expand this.

[113] I want you to begin affirming your daughter for this and say, honey, I love how you handle that.

[114] You went up.

[115] You knew what you wanted and you talked to that girl.

[116] You didn't push her.

[117] You didn't yell at her.

[118] You didn't demean her.

[119] I don't know if she manipulated her or not, but she talked to her, right?

[120] Manipulation.

[121] Another word for that would be influence, right?

[122] And I'm not being funny with that.

[123] I want you to know there are fine lines and we get very uncomfortable with how our kids do things because we don't want them to get judge who cares if you have a strong will charge you got to get over that right now they are going to be judged just like you're going to be judged well why don't you teach your daughter to do that way because that's not who my daughter is she came out of the womb like this she's not that little girl was not mean and she shouldn't feel bad for what she did i would like to affirm her and teach her and look here's the other part so model it for her model the rest of your life how you interact with people model being gracious and kind and all of those things that you want from her but she didn't do anything wrong i wish i look i could do a whole podcast i love that because look one more thing please begin to step back from your own anxiety and how you would do things and stop trying to impose that on the strong -willed child when they're not doing anything wrong they're just making you uncomfortable and see you could turn this around and say maybe I need to learn to be more assertive about what I want.

[124] Maybe I need to stop saying and deflecting being, oh, it's okay, I don't need that.

[125] Oh, no, you know what?

[126] Because some of you have that.

[127] Some of you have abandonment issues, right?

[128] And with your spouse or if you're dating now, right, what do you end up saying?

[129] Hey, you know what?

[130] I'd really like you to come over.

[131] But you know what?

[132] If you don't have time, that's okay.

[133] Right.

[134] See what you just did?

[135] You started to say what you wanted, but then because you're used to being abandoned or rejected or whatever it is from childhood, then you just told the other person, but it's okay if you don't.

[136] See, that's not confident.

[137] That's not a good trait, and that's why you don't get what you want in life, and that's why you feel hurt.

[138] But look at what this little girl does.

[139] See, I love that five -year -old girl.

[140] Look, if she was a stock, I would buy stock in her.

[141] Look, she's going to get in trouble at preschool.

[142] She is because she's not going to follow directions all the time.

[143] Why?

[144] Because she's not good at following directions all the time.

[145] Guess what?

[146] You don't have to follow directions in life all the time.

[147] I don't always follow directions.

[148] I don't.

[149] I like to lead.

[150] Occasionally, I like to make up my own rules and direction.

[151] Well, Kirk, that's not the way you're...

[152] Yeah, I know.

[153] Guess what?

[154] It caused me to get fired sometimes at different jobs until I finally got mature enough to realize I needed to go to my boss and say, hey, boss, here's what I heard.

[155] This is what our objectives are, and you wanted me to do it this way.

[156] Would it be okay if I did it a different way as long as I accomplish the same objective or even exceed your objectives?

[157] And if the boss was like, yeah, I'm cool with that.

[158] I was like, good, let me roll.

[159] I'm going to be great for you.

[160] If the boss was like, nope, you need to do it exactly my way, then I went back to my cubicle and I worked on my resume.

[161] And then I started when I interviewed for jobs knowing I need to be have some independence right so look I'm not being flippant with that some of you are extreme rule followers and if I was giving you advice I would say one thing this week I want you do break a rule break I'm not talking about doing immoral things see there's different you've got to draw that distinction there's a difference between doing things that are mean and immoral and just not following arbitrary rules which most of you do on the highway anyway that's 65 and you go 67 you just broke the rule.

[162] Does that mean you're evil?

[163] No. Now, if you're going 55 and a 25, that's immoral because you could kill someone in a school zone, right?

[164] So we have to draw some distinctions in things, especially with a strong -willed child.

[165] But I love that five -year -old for doing that.

[166] Okay.

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[181] Catherine writes, what do I do?

[182] They don't want to get out of the house and then they're complaining that they're bored and they're agitated all day.

[183] Right?

[184] I need, watch, listen to the language, and I'm not picking on you at all.

[185] It was just a Facebook post, but I want us to distinguish things.

[186] Getting them on board with what we know will help the day.

[187] My answer is, you can't get them on board.

[188] Stop convincing, stop trying to convince your kids that your way is right and start leading them.

[189] even through all the harrumbs and this is boring and you have to lead they're never going to say mom dad you know what you're absolutely right about this if we would just get up and if we would just engage in these activities and be self -directed and get outside and make up our own games the day would be so much more fun you know what I wish we would have learned earlier to listen to your wisdom they're not going to say that so you can't do that I want you to lead moms and dads.

[190] I think I did a podcast on this already.

[191] You'd lead.

[192] You'd lead.

[193] You'd lead.

[194] You don't turn around and try to address every time, I'm bored.

[195] This is dumb.

[196] This is stupid.

[197] You just lead.

[198] You walk ahead and you don't try to convince.

[199] You don't try to argue every different thing that they say.

[200] You lead them through all that discomfort, right?

[201] Because I know what's going to happen.

[202] This is why you struggle with screens sometimes in summertime is that you want to come into a room and say, guys, here's our plan for the day.

[203] And you expect our kids say, mom, that's awesome.

[204] Thanks for putting so much thought into that.

[205] This is going to be an awesome day.

[206] That would be lovely if it happened that way.

[207] But our moms and dads didn't do that either, right?

[208] They just basically said, go outside and play.

[209] And guess what?

[210] We eventually went outside and we figured it out.

[211] but they didn't try to convince us but they also didn't respond to all of our whining it's not that they didn't care it's that they knew that it wasn't their job to convince us and make us be happy oh that's a big one so let me make a note on that stop trying to make your kids happy it's not your responsibility you are responsible to your kids you're responsible to them to be a good role model to stay calm and cool under pressure to model what you want to live out your life if you want your kids to be grateful live with gratitude live your life out with integrity in the way that you know but your job you're not responsible for your child's happiness again as another one hour podcast just on that and i will throw in a commercial if you struggle with these things go through the calm parenting program or to get everything package because we teach you all this and so much of it is a mindset that will free and liberate you.

[212] Moms and dads, I want you to not have to do so much.

[213] You're struggling partly because you're trying so hard, right?

[214] Like that previous example, I want to try to get my five -year -old to share with that apparatus and I'm trying to.

[215] You're just creating work for yourself that didn't need to be done.

[216] You should be sitting up in the stands watching your daughter at gymnastics or wherever it was with that apparatus saying, my girl's the leader, that kid's awesome, right?

[217] You should be talking to the other parents about the other child that just stepped out of the way and turned over her apparatus to your daughter and saying, like, you need to tell your daughter to speak up for herself, or she's going to get run over in life, and she's going to end up marrying a man, right, who's controlling, because that's what happens all the time.

[218] It's not funny, but you kind of have to joke about it sometimes.

[219] You have to laugh at these things, otherwise you're going to be depressed.

[220] So look, stop trying so hard to do all this stuff of making my kids happy and I need to make them share.

[221] And I did, no, you don't.

[222] You don't have to do all this stuff.

[223] Lead, right?

[224] Okay.

[225] Roheini, sorry if I mispronounce many of your, all of your names.

[226] My teen refuses to practice homework, math, foreign language, and won't say if she's bored, doesn't remember her steps or rules.

[227] Rather than struggle to get the answer, she does some kind of diversionary.

[228] tactic, right?

[229] And I'm certain if she has a great brain, if she would just exercise the muscle, it would get stronger, but she'd rather scroll on her phone.

[230] Okay, a couple answers.

[231] One, that's normal.

[232] How many people, when things get tough, their natural instinct is to struggle through.

[233] Human nature says when things get hard, we put those things off.

[234] We do for a lot of things.

[235] to procrastinate, right?

[236] Because once you procrastinate, why do you do that?

[237] You put it off, put it off until you can't any longer.

[238] And then you get an adrenaline rush to get it done.

[239] It's normal.

[240] There's nothing.

[241] Look, this doesn't surprise me that your daughter does this because who wants to practice homework?

[242] I don't.

[243] I don't want to practice stuff that I'm not good at.

[244] You know what I want to do?

[245] I want to do stuff that I'm really good at.

[246] Right.

[247] I'm not good at fixing stuff around the house.

[248] Guess what I put off.

[249] Fixing stuff around the house.

[250] You know what I'm good at?

[251] I think I'm pretty good at and I enjoy doing podcasts.

[252] So guess what I'm doing right now?

[253] A podcast because that's what I enjoy doing and I like the stimulation of doing this.

[254] Guess what I did put off?

[255] I have about 130 comments on a word document that I'm going through.

[256] So right before I did this, guess what I did?

[257] I scanned through them and there's some of them that are very difficult questions that require a little bit more thought.

[258] So guess what I did?

[259] Cut, paste, move to the end.

[260] I'll do that another day, right?

[261] I started with the answer.

[262] I started with the question that I liked most about the five -year -old.

[263] Why?

[264] Because that's what human nature is.

[265] So stop doing these judgments around our kids like, well, if she would just exercise the muscle, of course that's true.

[266] And I get that.

[267] Your motivations are good.

[268] You have a daughter who you know is very smart.

[269] If she would just apply herself, she could do it really well.

[270] part of this, I promise you, part of this is not even having a strategy.

[271] It's changing your mindset.

[272] And I'm not saying, Rohidi, I'm not saying that you're doing this, but most of us do and did do this of like, well, honey, you know, if you would just start this, if you would just apply yourself, I know that you'd be really good at this.

[273] And it causes kids just get overwhelmed and they shut down with that.

[274] And so sometimes normalizing it, in fact, saying, of course you don't want to do that right now.

[275] Why?

[276] Because it's hard.

[277] Because really get hard to get thoughts from head to paper and do a writing assignment on about a subject that you don't care about.

[278] Of course you wouldn't want to do that right now.

[279] Sometimes that releases them.

[280] It's like when you relieve the pressure, it releases your kids to do what's right.

[281] There's a lot of wisdom in that in that whole idea of I release my kids to do it instead of all that pressure and the lecture because our kids tend to internalize failure a lot.

[282] A couple things I would do that I wrote down with quick notes.

[283] One is I would start with a success.

[284] Just get your daughter doing one thing that she's good at doing.

[285] That's it.

[286] It doesn't have to be with homework.

[287] Get some momentum, right?

[288] How many of us, when we write things in our planner, we start the day with one thing that's pretty easy.

[289] Why?

[290] We get a success.

[291] Feels good.

[292] Get some momentum.

[293] Go on.

[294] Find what your daughter cares about.

[295] This isn't what you care about.

[296] Mom, I know what you care about.

[297] Her practicing her homework.

[298] So she develops that brain muscle.

[299] So that supports her and helps her throughout the rest of her life.

[300] I get it.

[301] I get it.

[302] I'm the same way.

[303] You're right about that.

[304] But you can't impose what you care about, especially onto a teenager or a young kid.

[305] You have to find what your daughter cares about and then find ways to motivate her.

[306] And I'm going to talk about that in a few minutes.

[307] But I'm going to wait for that.

[308] But find what she cares about.

[309] I'll give you one weird thing for school.

[310] Find an older lady in your neighborhood.

[311] And I know everybody resists this stuff, but I get frustrated at times.

[312] Well, we don't have it.

[313] Stop making excuses.

[314] You're making excuses, moms and dads the same way your kids do.

[315] Work at this stuff.

[316] Find an old lady in your neighborhood, in your church, in your synagogue, in your mosque, in your community at a community center.

[317] Go down to the old person's community center.

[318] Forgive me for not saying that the right way.

[319] community center, right?

[320] How about we call the place it's filled with a ton of people with a lifetime of wisdom that we're not taking advantage of.

[321] That's what those places really are.

[322] You have collective wisdom of 20 people, age 70 and older, who have so much wisdom, go find one of those people and say, hey, I've got this teenage daughter.

[323] She doesn't like doing her homework.

[324] And I get why, because it's hard, it's boring, all those things.

[325] Could you give my daughter a job to do down at your house.

[326] Could you talk to her and say, hey, Rebecca, I could use your help at my house?

[327] Because I get a little older.

[328] Could you help me with this?

[329] And when she comes down to your house, maybe you don't even have to pay her because she would do it because she likes being helpful for other adults, not me. And by the way, moms and dads, if you have to give that old lady $10 to give it to your daughter, do it.

[330] It's worth the $10.

[331] Right.

[332] Hey, honey, Rebecca, could you come down to help me with a few things?

[333] And then when she's down there, could you talk to her about homework and even say like, hey, bring your homework down here.

[334] I'll help you out with that.

[335] Oh, well, I don't want to inconvenience that old, that older lady or that older guy in the neighborhood.

[336] See, that's related to the first thing.

[337] You don't want to inconvenience other people.

[338] It's not inconveniencing the old lady.

[339] Look, she's an old lady.

[340] I can tell you about this about old people.

[341] If they don't want to help your daughter, she'll tell you.

[342] I don't want to help your daughter.

[343] Don't just say that.

[344] They don't have any problem anymore because I'm getting to be older person myself.

[345] I can tell you, nope, don't want to do it.

[346] But I guarantee you it's a gift to that older person because that older lady probably has kids that she misses.

[347] And my mom when she was alive, she loved having kids around.

[348] She would have helped any of your kids.

[349] Why?

[350] Because she had four boys.

[351] And when she got older, she missed all the chaos and all the noise and all the activity and the connection.

[352] And you're doing that older lady a gift because guess what?

[353] When that old lady down the street sits down to do homework with your teenager or your eight -year -old or six -year -old, that old lady isn't going to be impatient like you.

[354] And I'm not down to you.

[355] We all do that.

[356] That's the parental anxiety little matrix, right?

[357] Of like, you get anxious and you get impatient because you have so much to do.

[358] And honey, you're so capable.

[359] If you would just focus, you would get this done in 45 minutes instead of taking three hours.

[360] I don't know why you always have to, ah.

[361] The old lady down the street's not going to do that.

[362] She's going to patiently work with your daughter.

[363] And through her patience, she will get through to your daughter.

[364] Do that.

[365] And don't give me any excuses.

[366] why you can't do that unless you live in Siberia.

[367] You can find an older person somewhere.

[368] I don't want to get a convenience them.

[369] And so my flippant answer, this is not to you, Rooney.

[370] It's to the rest of you who do the excuse thing.

[371] Right.

[372] Well, I don't want to do that is, well, good.

[373] Then just fight for the next 10 years with your child.

[374] Right?

[375] Instead of, I, look, that's my own frustration with you at times because I'm giving you an idea that I've seen work.

[376] So many times.

[377] Our kids are awesome for other adults, not us, and other adults tend to like our kids.

[378] Why would we not take advantage of that dynamic and truth and reality?

[379] Well, I know because it's a little inconvenient.

[380] Well, it's a lot less inconvenient than fighting with your child for the next 10 years over something just because you didn't want to do that.

[381] So do it.

[382] Okay, this is from Rion.

[383] I don't know if I'm saying your name, right?

[384] But roll with me. Forgive me for that.

[385] So what is the balance of allowing more independence and freedom, but also expecting responsibility?

[386] As you should, Mom, very well done.

[387] But then I'm going to contradict myself in a moment.

[388] My nine -year -old strong world child totally capable, cooking, crafting, watching her two -year -old sibling for brief periods.

[389] And she strongly desires those things.

[390] At the same time, she's not responsible in cleaning up after.

[391] herself.

[392] Look, I'm just going to cut right to the chase.

[393] Your strong -willed child is not going to clean up after herself or himself.

[394] They're not.

[395] I will bet you $1 ,000 each of your, they don't do it.

[396] Do I have an answer for that?

[397] Sure, here's the answer.

[398] Look, if you're not going to clean up for yourself, after yourself, you're not cooking anymore.

[399] I guess what they're going to say?

[400] Okay, fine.

[401] I'm not going to do it.

[402] Well, Kirk, that means you're giving into them.

[403] You could say, that and I'm okay with you saying that or as I get older I'm realizing you just deal with reality as it's given to you our strong will kids I've worked with a million families and 999 ,000 of them have a child like this so when I see a pattern look I could I could explain to you why this is if I wanted to, but I really don't care to at the moment because I've got other questions to get to and doesn't always matter why.

[404] It just is.

[405] It just is.

[406] And you can pull your hair out and be frustrated and can bet you over this for the next 10 years if you want, but it won't change a single thing.

[407] You heard me wanting to use a swear word right there and I exhibited self -control and didn't do it.

[408] So and roll with me here because I'm answering a lot of questions and I'm trying to and I'm rolling with things off the top of my head and that's usually the best things that I come up with.

[409] You can fight that if you want.

[410] It's not going to change a single thing for you to fight and instead what I can say is I love how you cook.

[411] Now here's the next thing that the mom said that I knew was coming.

[412] She will use off -limit ingredients, tools and materials.

[413] Of course she will.

[414] Who wants to use the stupid, boring ingredients to make things?

[415] She wants to be creative and use interesting things.

[416] The very fact that it's off -limit makes it more appealing.

[417] It's not, it's human nature, even if you're not a religious person.

[418] At least view old, old, Scripture of any kind, old written materials as being reflective of human truths of that area.

[419] One of the oldest known stories known to mankind was of an authority figure telling a person you can eat from any tree in this garden, but not that one.

[420] And guess what the man chose.

[421] The forbidden fruit.

[422] It's be, look, that was thousands of years ago.

[423] It reflected human nature at the time, which hasn't changed all lot.

[424] So, why don't you instead, in that case, say, okay, here are two, I don't know why they're off -living ingredients, but that's okay that you have all for them.

[425] It's okay that you have standards.

[426] I'm not saying let your kids do whatever they want.

[427] I'm saying, work with reality, honey, here are a couple ingredients you've never used before.

[428] Why don't you see if you can use them in a really creative way to make a boring meal less boring?

[429] And then when she does cook, and I think I've done this on a podcast many, many times in our materials.

[430] Look, if you get the Calm Parenting Program, listen to the one on enjoying your strong -willed child, stopping the power struggles with a strong -willed child.

[431] It is foundational to understand what motivates these kids and who they are because she doesn't get up in the morning and say, you know what?

[432] I just want to cook, but I don't want to clean.

[433] That's not what she's saying.

[434] There's other things going on, but here's how you could turn that situation around.

[435] Honey, that was awesome.

[436] I love how creative you are.

[437] I love how you came up with that recipe.

[438] I love the initiative that you had to do that.

[439] Hey, I'm going to turn on some music.

[440] Why don't you help me?

[441] We're going to clean up together.

[442] and talk about the next recipe, the next thing, or how you did that.

[443] Why did you combine those ingredients?

[444] Why aren't you giving in?

[445] Sure, you could say that.

[446] And I'm okay with you saying that.

[447] But here's what I'm really doing.

[448] I'm using wisdom and I'm bonding with my daughter who just cooked for the family instead of getting on her about how she never cleans up.

[449] Because getting on her about not cleaning up, I know that particular one is not going to change for you.

[450] I know when it will change is when your child grows up and has their own home because our son was the same exact way.

[451] So give her and then mom ended and I wanted to do this one.

[452] I often feel like I have to watch her because make sure she's not doing something dangerous or sneaky.

[453] Any inset would be great.

[454] Well, I just gave you some.

[455] Here's one more.

[456] So I knew that our son Casey had a need for speed from a young age.

[457] He loved cars.

[458] He didn't like slow cars.

[459] He didn't want to drive a limousine.

[460] He want to drive a Ferrari, a Lamborghini.

[461] So when he got his driver's license, I taught him specifically that there are times when I know you are going to speed a little bit, you are going to break the rules, but I want you to do it with wisdom and within my boundaries.

[462] And I would specifically throughout his childhood, I showed Casey how to push the limits, but not push too far.

[463] now some of you that is horrifying well kids shouldn't push the limits they should just always do things within the boundaries and within the rules i love your idealism i love that that's your standard but it's not going to work because you have a kid who sorry whoever was calling me i'm in the middle of a podcast so i just have to decline their call and they're probably going to call right back because i know who it is and they're strong -willed so they're going to keep trying and they sometimes do it because they know i'm in the middle of a podcast and they want to irritate me. See?

[464] I told you.

[465] Can you hear that?

[466] Decline again.

[467] So, look, if you can learn to relax a little bit in life and know, everything's not about right now.

[468] It's not about right now.

[469] And we don't have to do everything perfectly.

[470] And we have to get our child to do this.

[471] If you're a parent of a young child, no, you don't have to do everything right now.

[472] Enjoy the kids a little bit.

[473] Let there be messes in the house.

[474] Stop trying to make everything perfect as if you're going to create a perfect child and a perfect family.

[475] It doesn't exist.

[476] You'll make everybody else end up being miserable like you are right now because you're trying too hard.

[477] Right.

[478] So I want to give this child and say, hey, here you want to push the limits a little bit.

[479] I did this with an example.

[480] I was on a phone consultation with parents.

[481] They were like, well, our son just, he rides his bike too fast and he doesn't want to do that.

[482] And I was like, of course he does.

[483] Moms and dads, what are you expecting?

[484] Are you expecting a seven -year -old boy to want to get on his bike and learn proper bike safety and wear a helmet and wear a mouthguard too?

[485] And maybe we'll wear knee pads and elbow pads and maybe we'll just put him in a bubble suit.

[486] Like, I get it.

[487] I would want that too.

[488] I don't want my child getting hurt.

[489] And I'm reading right now about Nicholas and Alexander, the last czarist of Russia and they're the heir to the throne.

[490] was going to be the last roaming off a part of the time.

[491] He was a hemophiliac.

[492] It struggled with hemophilia.

[493] So if he fell down, the blood plots didn't work and he could die from that.

[494] He was excruciating pain.

[495] So I get the desire of parents, especially moms, to keep their kids safe.

[496] But here's where I took those moms and dads.

[497] Hey, why don't we give your child something that he can do on his bike that is a little bit pushing the limits, but not too much.

[498] Well, we were kids, we watered down with a hose.

[499] We watered down our driveway because it was a blacktop.

[500] So when it got water on it, it got slippery.

[501] We would all, as a group, because we had a cool neighborhood filled with boys, we'd ride down the street, turn into our driveway, and guess what we do?

[502] Try to wipe each other out.

[503] We didn't have helmets.

[504] I'm not saying that's a right way.

[505] But what I'm saying is, it's human nature for kids to want to push a little bit.

[506] So what we worked on was, could we create a ramp, a little ramp for this child to start doing jumps over, right, and put things over the ramp that he could jump over?

[507] That's within your boundaries and within your limits, because I don't want to say, see, here's the balance.

[508] I'm not saying, well, I know that you're a little daredevil, do whatever you want, right?

[509] Because then he's going to take his bike up on the roof and jump off the roof.

[510] Well, I don't want that, right?

[511] And I don't even I'm jumping off the roof onto the trampoline, which he will try, because then he's like, well, it's safe because there's trampoline, and then I can do a backflip off the trampoline on my bike and then up up bright, and you'll give me a 10 out of 10 in my whatever that fun Olympic games is that kids do those things.

[512] Instead of saying, no, you just have to do it perfectly.

[513] Don't ever turn, don't even go, don't go too fast.

[514] It's like, no, go a little bit fast within these boundaries.

[515] I want you to start trying that with your kids because I think it's really, really important.

[516] Okay, I'm about 35 minutes in.

[517] My podcast is usually 15 to 20 minutes.

[518] I can experiment with a slightly longer one.

[519] Give me feedback on Facebook, on emailing us if you're okay with a longer podcast like this.

[520] So here's one, whining, right?

[521] Please tell, this is from Jennifer, but it could be from everybody.

[522] Please tell me how to make that stop.

[523] My sweet seven -year -old, third boy of three.

[524] I was third boy of four.

[525] Wines about everything.

[526] Everything's unfair.

[527] Everything's not his fault.

[528] Everything happens to him.

[529] Right?

[530] And there's no amount of validating and all of that that just works, right?

[531] He just gives eye rolls.

[532] The whining is unbearable.

[533] This is a little bit flippant and it's not really flippant, but it's more direct because I don't want to go into the whole whining thing, but it's this.

[534] I would agree with it.

[535] Next time he starts a whining say, just start to agree.

[536] Oh, yeah, that is boring.

[537] Yeah, I'd be bored if I were, yeah, that's boring.

[538] Yeah, I don't like that either.

[539] Start, try this once.

[540] Start whining yourself.

[541] Just say like, oh, can't believe.

[542] Right, because your email, your thing asking me was you were actually whining about your child whining, right?

[543] Is that not true?

[544] You're whining too.

[545] Why do my kids always have to whine?

[546] It's unbearable.

[547] Right?

[548] And I get it.

[549] I'm not making fun of you.

[550] I'm just point.

[551] out that you're a hypocrite.

[552] So I'm, you know, I'm kidding with that too.

[553] I'm not kidding, but I'm just, I'm trying to keep this lighthearted.

[554] You're whining about it.

[555] Agree with it.

[556] And then start whining yourself about, oh, prices are so high for this.

[557] Oh, I have to cook.

[558] I've got three kids and the house is always a mess.

[559] Walk around whining and just observe, see if there's a response from him.

[560] I'd just like try it.

[561] And then my other answer is this, don't let it bother you.

[562] Well, Kirk, that's not the right answer.

[563] You have to give us things to stop kids from whining.

[564] I have a few things to stop kids from whining, right?

[565] I like doing some a thing where kids are whining.

[566] I say, hey, you get seven and a half minutes to whine, right?

[567] Seven and a half minutes to complain, argue whatever you want, seven and a half minutes at minutes.

[568] But after that, nope, not listening anymore.

[569] After that, we problem solved.

[570] I do that sometimes.

[571] Sometimes I validate what they're talking about and whining about.

[572] I'm okay with that.

[573] One of my favorites is this, when they're whining is the opposites rule.

[574] Hey, every time you whine, complain, manipulate, ask me over and over again for a certain thing that you want, I'll just give you the exact opposite of what you want.

[575] And as they're whining or as they're complaining or manipulating or demanding things of me, hey, opposites, opposites, just remember opposites, right?

[576] Because you want to do this today.

[577] Every time you whine, it's another day until we get it done.

[578] So we're now up to July 2007.

[579] If I were you, probably cut it out.

[580] But I really mean this.

[581] Learn, practice.

[582] Make this a practice, don't let it bother you.

[583] It relates to what we talked about before of stop being responsible for your kids' happiness.

[584] If your kids want to whine and complain, they can do it.

[585] I just don't give in.

[586] I don't give them what they want, and I don't let it bother me. I know that sounds flippant, like, oh, easy for you to say, no, we had, we had, over the course of time, we had 1 ,500 kids in our home.

[587] And most days, there were 8, 10, 15, whiny, complaining, meltdowny, controlling bossy kids in our heart.

[588] home.

[589] And it was great practice for me to sit in the discomfort, to sit in the midst of it, and no, it's not my job to fix your mood.

[590] It's not my job to fix you.

[591] It's not my job to fix your behavior.

[592] If you want to whine about that, I'm completely comfortable with you whining, complaining, demanding.

[593] I'm just letting you know it's not going to change the outcome, and it's not going to change what I do.

[594] Now, I know that that tone is very hard to get to, and that's why I want you to practice.

[595] want you to have listen to the app with all of our programs because you'll hear me talking like that and even if you're not parents have told me this i'd not always listening listening to everything you say but having that on in the background and just getting little nugget a little gem in the moment helps me in that moment reset myself and get back to that oh perfectionism elizabeth let me do a couple more uh perfectionism no room for mistakes resulting in extremely self -deprecating outbursts, unwilling to take a break, rejects all encouragement, suggestions, or offers of support.

[596] Oh, yes, in the moment, that's awful.

[597] Don't do the encouragement in the moment.

[598] That's the worst thing, right?

[599] So he keeps going until he's satisfied with what he's working on or until he blows up, either at himself or whoever's closest.

[600] Um, uh, hold the same expectation, da, da, da.

[601] Okay.

[602] So here's a couple things.

[603] One, not necessarily related to this, but it just popped in my head.

[604] Normalize imperfection around your home.

[605] when you're at the dinner table as a family instead of, hey, what did you do well today?

[606] Sometimes lead with, hey, you know what I did at the office today?

[607] I did this.

[608] I submitted this report or I had this idea and it got shot down by my colleagues and I really felt bummed and normalize that imperfection is part of life, right?

[609] Normalize that.

[610] Normalize that if you have a kid who's into sports of like, hey, great baseball player gets on base one out of every three times.

[611] They fail more than they succeed.

[612] I would also affirm something in this child.

[613] You know what I love about you, son?

[614] You're conscientious.

[615] You care about doing a good job.

[616] And studies have shown the number one trait necessary for success in life.

[617] It's not intelligence or grades.

[618] It's conscientiousness.

[619] You're conscientious about the things you care about.

[620] So that's a nice thing to affirm in that.

[621] So I can take that.

[622] And instead of perfectionism, which I don't mind saying, I don't mind using that word.

[623] I don't want to do a thing like, oh, we don't use any negative words.

[624] But I also do want to make sure we define things well.

[625] I would say, instead of I have a child who struggles with perfectionism always blows up, I'd say I have a highly conscientious child because that at least is, that's a great trait, right?

[626] Because I'd rather have a highly conscientious child and teach them how to chill a little bit and deal with imperfection than have a child who just doesn't care at all or doesn't follow through at all and then try and teach them to be conscientious.

[627] because when you go out to the job market, oh, this is what I tell teenagers all the time.

[628] When you go and apply for a job, just tell the prospective boss this, I will be there five minutes or for my shift, early for my shift every time, and while I'm working for you, you will never catch me sneaking a peek at my cell phone.

[629] It will be put away because when I am there, I am working for you and you will have all of my attention.

[630] Boom, you're hired, right?

[631] So I would, I would acknowledge that.

[632] And then I like to use, I like to give perspective.

[633] I don't like, well, honey, you know what?

[634] You were doing a really good job.

[635] I think you did a good job on that.

[636] Oh, that sounds so patronizing.

[637] And what it sounds and feels like is I'm really uncomfortable with the fact that you're starting to get agitated because I know where this leads to.

[638] So I just want you to not feel like that.

[639] So you know what?

[640] You did a really good job.

[641] You know, you could just do it like this.

[642] Why don't I help you?

[643] Because what we're really doing in that moment, and this is good insight, is saying, I'm really uncomfortable with where you're going right now in your mood.

[644] So I want to try to make it all better.

[645] And moms, this is what you hate about your husband doing these things.

[646] Oh, honey, there's no need to be upset.

[647] Everything's okay.

[648] You're just overreacting.

[649] It's the same exact thing, right?

[650] And it's annoying.

[651] It's annoying to you.

[652] It's annoying to your kids.

[653] Instead, I like the perspective voice, right?

[654] I can acknowledge.

[655] Hey, I love that.

[656] I get where you're going.

[657] with that.

[658] I like that you're not satisfied until you do it right.

[659] Here's what I found.

[660] What I found is sometimes like I had this project and maybe you don't, you may not want to talk this much, right?

[661] Because I don't like a lot of talking.

[662] So you may not do the example, but you could just do this.

[663] I like, I really like that you like doing things so well.

[664] That means you're going to be really successful life.

[665] So one thing I found is in my own life, when I start getting frustrated, if I do walk away and do something else and come back, I tend to see it more clearly and then walk out of the room just leave don't stand do not stand over strong will child waiting for some kind of assent to your opinion over them saying wow that's a great idea I hadn't thought of that give them space so you're giving perspective right what I found in life is you're not making it about them so much you're making it about you because what you didn't say is, you know, if you would just walk away from that, I hate that.

[666] I don't want to be told what to do right now.

[667] Instead, you're conscientious.

[668] I love that you're like that.

[669] What I found is sometimes when I walk away, I come back to it.

[670] So it might be something to consider.

[671] And then you walk away and you go do something.

[672] You can always invite and say, hey, I got to start on dinner.

[673] I'm going to go to the bathroom.

[674] If you need some help with this, let me know when you get back.

[675] Even matter of fact, right, I'm going to go do X if you want to join me. Let's try that instead.

[676] Okay.

[677] I'm going to end this because it's 43 minutes.

[678] Let's see.

[679] If you like this, email us.

[680] Email Casey at Celebrateholm .com.

[681] Tell me, you like this or on Facebook when I posted there.

[682] So you like this because I've got another still like 120 more answers to give.

[683] If you need help with anything, reach out to us.

[684] If you want to change your mindset, just so you know, well, two things.

[685] One is, if you like the podcast, please share it with others.

[686] We appreciate that.

[687] If you need help with this, invest in the calm parenting program or one of our programs if you need help financially with that just reach out to casey we help people all the time with things we like assertive people who say hey we're really wanting stuff and we want to change our family can you work within this budget and the answer is always like yeah we can do that and we appreciate you being assertive so just reach out to us and by the way coming up i don't know when this is going to be released but oh i'm not even going to say that because i think we're doing it before Anyway, just, okay, here's something because you listen to the podcast.

[688] If you want help, just email Casey and say, hey, your dad said you've got a Christmas and July sale coming up.

[689] Can you help me out with that?

[690] And he'll be like, dad, why did you tell everybody it's only June 24th or whatever?

[691] So, just do it.

[692] Anyway, thank you for listening.

[693] Give us some feedback and I'll get to more questions next time.

[694] Love you all.

[695] Bye -bye.