Paul Scheer

[0] Hi, my name is Paul Scheer.

[1] And I feel sanguine about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hey there.

[6] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend sitting here with my peeps.

[7] Sonom of Sessian, Matt Gorsley.

[8] Sona, you seem pretty chipper.

[9] What's going on?

[10] You have a microphone right in front of you.

[11] Come on, man. You are a fucking foghorn.

[12] Just, wasn't that loud?

[13] No. I can hear me. Matt.

[14] No, no, no. You have to choose.

[15] Do you want to live with mommy or with daddy?

[16] I want to live at the orphanage.

[17] Sona, I'm just next to you.

[18] Eduardo, why don't you...

[19] It was a little loud.

[20] Come on.

[21] Just try to just be, just use your voice and we're all here and we...

[22] You know what?

[23] It's when you talk quietly to like talk about how loud I am, it just really, it really gets me. That's what really pisses me off.

[24] And you don't do that.

[25] Don't do that.

[26] So tell us...

[27] Can we move on?

[28] Yes, let's move on.

[29] I know I'm going to...

[30] I don't know.

[31] Okay.

[32] You seemed like you were in a good mood.

[33] I was.

[34] And then you were in such a good mood.

[35] You were screaming into a mic inches from your face.

[36] What happened that made you happy?

[37] Okay, so I went to Las Vegas for the date to be on a panel at a conference.

[38] Wait, why were you on a panel?

[39] I don't know.

[40] Who would put you on a panel?

[41] Seriously, why are you on a panel?

[42] Not only that.

[43] Who else was on the panel?

[44] Snuffle up against?

[45] Oh, Jesus.

[46] Oh, my God, I'm choking.

[47] I'm just, I would love to see the panel.

[48] panel, it starts with Sona, and then it's like snuffaloficus.

[49] Oh my God.

[50] A beach pail with a face painted on it.

[51] Why was that?

[52] A bowl of nectarines.

[53] And we've got our panel.

[54] I'm sorry, Sonna I need me to put you down.

[55] Oh, my God.

[56] At the Nab show in Vegas.

[57] What's a Nab is the National Association of Broadcasters.

[58] And then I was part of the BEA conference.

[59] It's named after B. Arthur?

[60] Oh, God.

[61] I hate it here so But let's get through this because I want to get through the explaining of this.

[62] And I was on a panel.

[63] You're right.

[64] I was on a panel with the chief content officer of one media company and then the chief financial officer of another media company.

[65] And it was the three of us.

[66] This is the greatest scam in the world.

[67] And you were there as in what capacity?

[68] As someone who's on a very popular podcast.

[69] Which one's that?

[70] A clown.

[71] Wait.

[72] So you were there because of this podcast.

[73] Because of this podcast, I went to Vegas for a day.

[74] Do you get invited to stuff like this?

[75] No. I don't think I got invited to this.

[76] I'm sure you guys get invited.

[77] I say yes to everything.

[78] Plus, my cousin works for the company that asked me to do it.

[79] And I was happy to do it.

[80] Oh, yeah.

[81] Explanation received.

[82] But I just want you guys to know, I am representing this podcast.

[83] Okay.

[84] No, but.

[85] But, okay.

[86] So a relative works for the company.

[87] Yeah.

[88] So we went to Vegas for that.

[89] We flew out.

[90] And then I had to me and tax.

[91] Okay.

[92] So we flew out and then we had time for lunch beforehand.

[93] So we went to the encore.

[94] And then we went to this place called Wazuzu and the waiter.

[95] I remember his name is Taylor.

[96] I remember this so vividly.

[97] Okay.

[98] He's a huge fan of this podcast and then my meal was comped.

[99] No. Yes.

[100] Wait a minute.

[101] Wait a minute.

[102] Because, and I say this with all kindness, but you and TAC, you like, you know.

[103] Oh, no. You like drinks.

[104] You like, I mean, it's not going to be cheap is all I'm going to say.

[105] That is not true.

[106] what do you mean because tack doesn't go crazy I do but yeah we but it's Vegas so it's like not a cheap meal it's an expensive And you said Taylor Taylor being man He's a man Taylor being man Taylor being man That's the line That's the line It was cut out of Planet of the apes Taylor being man You are not welcome In the forbidden zone Okay So Taylor said hi What did Taylor said that he liked about the podcast.

[107] First of all, it's cool.

[108] He recognized you.

[109] Okay, so that's the other thing.

[110] It was a, oh, you look familiar thing.

[111] And then he asked me why I was there.

[112] I was like, I'm on a panel.

[113] I'm on this podcast.

[114] He's like, okay.

[115] And then I think he went back and then like Googled me because I don't think he was sure who I was.

[116] Right.

[117] And then he's like, I'm a big fan of yours.

[118] He saw your photo by the cash register and said, do not cash her check.

[119] Oh, that's how I know you.

[120] From the podcast and you're under arrest.

[121] Wait, so, okay, recognize you from the podcast.

[122] He's a fan.

[123] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[124] And he watches our videos all the time.

[125] Shout out to Taylor.

[126] Who works at, what's it called?

[127] At Wazoooo and at the Encore.

[128] What kind of food is Wazuzu?

[129] It's Asian Fusion.

[130] It's delicious.

[131] If they want to send us stuff, I'm cool with that.

[132] No, I don't think that's very, I don't think you should be asking for free food.

[133] Oh.

[134] He comped you a meal, and I think that's enough.

[135] I don't think, I think now extorting Wazuzu.

[136] And by the way, I'm not sure Asian Fusion ships well.

[137] Were they going to put a couple of dumplings in a FedEx tube?

[138] and send it through the desert to get here to Larchmont?

[139] That's fantastic.

[140] Hey, over the weekend, this tube showed up.

[141] Or maybe it was last weekend.

[142] Thanks, E .B. Let's crack it open.

[143] An armadillo comes out with soy sauce all over his mouth.

[144] I mean, that's insanity.

[145] Wazoozuzu, you sound like an amazing place, but please don't send us any food, even though I'm sure it's amazing.

[146] We want to come in person and then be comped.

[147] Are you, do you find yourself getting comped much in life?

[148] That's the first time.

[149] I was really excited about it.

[150] Because I always said, you know, people were like, oh, you know, more and more people know who you are because the podcast is so big.

[151] And I'm like, you're not really famous until you get either a meal comp or you get same -day reservations at a cool restaurant.

[152] And I got comped.

[153] So I'm officially an A -Lister.

[154] That's really good.

[155] I have to say, it's true.

[156] I'm sitting here with a real celebrity.

[157] Finally.

[158] That's nice.

[159] I constantly test.

[160] how we're doing by choosing very, very popular, hard to get into restaurants.

[161] And what I do is I show up on a Saturday night at like 7 .30.

[162] And I just walk in and said, Conan O 'Brien here, and I demand a table for 15.

[163] And I'm always been told, get the fuck out of here.

[164] But one day...

[165] Even when you have a reservation, you show up and you say, get the fuck out of here.

[166] Even when I have a reservation that I've had for months.

[167] And I show up They go, by the way, it's that Conan O 'Brien.

[168] They say, get the fuck out of here.

[169] And my family and friends all wave to me from the table as I'm escorted out.

[170] Oh, they're all seated.

[171] And they still bill you.

[172] They still bill me. But that's the way to test.

[173] Yeah.

[174] And I've not, I'll know the day I can walk in and go, yeah, table for 15.

[175] Conan O 'Brien.

[176] If Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, deal with it.

[177] Then I'm going to know that I've been, if I'm seated right away, that we finally cracked it.

[178] I don't think what's ever going to happen.

[179] I don't know what to say because I've made a lot of same day reservations for you.

[180] It's always people love to accommodate you.

[181] Why would you say at Dintai Fung, they wouldn't take it?

[182] Oh, that was my favorite.

[183] Yeah.

[184] You remember we went to the one at the original one in Arcadia?

[185] Yeah.

[186] You're like, watch this basically.

[187] I didn't do.

[188] I never say, well, okay, I think I did.

[189] I said we were in Arcadia.

[190] Yes.

[191] To the original Dimpai Fung.

[192] Dintai Fung.

[193] And I, we were really hungry.

[194] And I thought, well, all kidding aside, people are quite nice to me. and they tend to recognize this puss.

[195] So I, I, I'm sorry, before, it's notorious for having a very long wait, especially that original.

[196] Regardless of the puss.

[197] Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[198] And so I, hey, God bless them.

[199] They, they said, as nicely as possible, go away.

[200] I'm back in an hour and a half.

[201] But I remember it wasn't that long.

[202] I actually remembered it wasn't that long.

[203] It wasn't.

[204] And you know what?

[205] You gave your name.

[206] They didn't give you any sort of, leeway on the wait time.

[207] I remember it made no difference that it was you.

[208] But then you went outside and we were waiting in the parking lot and people kept coming up to you to take pictures with you.

[209] Oh, and my favorite part is some of them were from the restaurant.

[210] My favorite is when people from the restaurant are like, can we have a picture?

[211] Uh, yeah, sure.

[212] Thanks.

[213] I'm a big fan.

[214] Um, how long a wait do you?

[215] Fuck you.

[216] Oh, man. Okay.

[217] Good times.

[218] Hey, listen.

[219] I don't think celebrities should be treated especially.

[220] I think we should be treated worse than other people.

[221] I agree.

[222] Well, I'm not a celebrity, so I'm fine.

[223] If I ever come to your restaurant, you are free to comp me. I can't wait till I have a restaurant that specializes in Irish food from 1902.

[224] You want a tato with your tato.

[225] All right, we got to get into it.

[226] And then I got to start my restaurant.

[227] My guest today hosts the podcast.

[228] How did this get made?

[229] I was on this podcast.

[230] I really loved it.

[231] Now he has a new memoir titled Joyful recollections of trauma.

[232] I really love this guy.

[233] I'm excited.

[234] He's here today.

[235] Paul Shear, welcome.

[236] I'm going to point out, Paul.

[237] Yeah.

[238] And I am a big fan of yours, and I admire you greatly.

[239] So for you to say that you're just sanguine about being my friend, is a real?

[240] Optimistic.

[241] It's a kick in the crotch.

[242] Wow.

[243] You see, to me, I'm coming in.

[244] It's a death blow.

[245] It's a death chop.

[246] Oh, oh, okay.

[247] I'm breastwink you because I know your husband's a karate expert, but.

[248] Does he do Jito?

[249] No, he does karate.

[250] He does karate.

[251] I'm trying to come in not too high up and not too low.

[252] Just saying, hey, I feel cautiously optimistic.

[253] You don't need to explain that.

[254] I think that's fair.

[255] He's a psychopath.

[256] I am, no, excuse me, sociopath.

[257] Oh, sorry.

[258] There's a difference.

[259] Well, you'll get there.

[260] I'm an aspirational sociopath.

[261] I'm a sociopath who's working very hard to make it.

[262] It's a psychopath.

[263] And I take night classes.

[264] I'm looking sanguine about your opportunities.

[265] So many people are able to make that crossover.

[266] And I think it's really important.

[267] Very few of us have done it.

[268] Just me and Bill Maher were the only two.

[269] And I'm so happy to be here at Club Random.

[270] I've seen, I saw Bill Maher do that Club Random and he has so many tissue boxes around.

[271] I'm like, why is he blowing his nose so much on air?

[272] I'll tell you later.

[273] We'll talk later.

[274] Let's just say.

[275] It's also, why is he wearing tearaway pants, you know?

[276] Listen.

[277] What the fuck?

[278] He's got to, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[279] You brought it up.

[280] I wish the man well, yeah.

[281] I wish the man well.

[282] Stories about pell cases that will make you upset, but, you know.

[283] Paul.

[284] Yes.

[285] And if I can call you Paul, that would be a great honor.

[286] Please, yeah, you can do it.

[287] Okay.

[288] Paul, I've always enjoyed you.

[289] And then I had a great experience with you.

[290] You and your cohorts had me on your podcast.

[291] Yes.

[292] I want to say about five years ago on how did this get made.

[293] Yeah.

[294] And I had an absolute blast.

[295] I believe we were talking.

[296] about the film look who's talking to yes where uh more babies are talking i think in that one even the dogs are talking or i think everything's talking inanimate objects i occasionally a chair will say look at that baby you know and um and i think it was danny davido's the boy i mean you may not remember because you guys do so many movies we watch so many bad movies but i believe you're right i think it is danny devedo and like rosam bar might have been the baby yeah and it's such a strange concept because the babies are talking, but they also have institutional knowledge about things that only adults would have.

[297] I wish I had a cigar right now.

[298] It's like, you're, okay, it's one thing, I'm sorry, what's the concept again?

[299] You've lived a full life and you're trapped in a baby's body, or this is how all babies speak.

[300] That's what makes it so upsetting because at one point they must get amnesia, right?

[301] Because while they can't speak, they're thinking all these horrible thoughts.

[302] Like, look at those boobs on that lady.

[303] And it's like, oh, God.

[304] You know, it's like, get me a drink.

[305] And it's like, well, and then something.

[306] Jesus, if I use a drink right now.

[307] God, I'd like to stup her.

[308] And you think, well, you came out of the uterus, I think, eight months ago.

[309] They all came out.

[310] Yeah, they had this energy.

[311] And then, you know, I get it for the dogs.

[312] Dogs have been around.

[313] When the dogs start talking, they've seen some stuff.

[314] Dogs have seen stuff and they have a memory that I think is passed on almost genetically.

[315] Dogs have a wisdom.

[316] And when my dog looks at me, he knows.

[317] But no, the fact that a baby is like looking around going like, I'd like to grab that ass, and to me. I give her the right of a lifetime.

[318] And to me to have a movie where you go in and pitch it, it's like, yeah, the babies are talking.

[319] But then there's also like this core, like romance problem in the center of it.

[320] It is still about like a husband and wife.

[321] But they never interact with the talking babies.

[322] No. The babies are having their own subplot.

[323] Yeah.

[324] Not connected to the adults at all.

[325] Right.

[326] Right.

[327] Absolutely, like the babies are on a telephone trying to get liquor from the liquor store.

[328] I haven't had a drink in eight years.

[329] How old are you?

[330] Six months.

[331] I think, I do think in the third one, because we did the third one after you, that they do solve a crime.

[332] The babies do solve a crime.

[333] They see a burglar come in and they set up a trap in their baby language.

[334] They're able to communicate.

[335] In their baby language, meaning the language of people in their 50s.

[336] Yeah, but by the way, they are telepathically communicating because they're not even speaking.

[337] and they're just looking at each other.

[338] Here's what it's proof of, if nothing else, that if this movie is the reality, and I think it is a very truthful scientific movie.

[339] It was based in a lot of science.

[340] I believe that we are born in our highest, most elevated form, and then we de -evolve as we get older because we can speak telepathically.

[341] We have long memories of a rich sexual past, even though we don't really have our secondary sexual...

[342] Slightly racist, slightly sexist.

[343] Yeah.

[344] I do think that there is something true to the fact that babies can see ghosts because I've heard a lot of these stories that babies and like young children, they don't know that they're not supposed to believe in this stuff.

[345] And when I was shooting this movie in New Orleans once, Tom Lennon, his kid was about three years old and he went down to tie his shoe and he started talking to a person in the sewer grate.

[346] And he's like, oh, and then occasionally all throughout his time in New Orleans would see different people and having conversations with them.

[347] And New Orleans is the most haunted city in the world.

[348] I don't know, like, do you think that his son is crazy or do you think the kids can maybe see ghosts?

[349] I think it's New Orleans and people sometimes live in sewer grates.

[350] Okay.

[351] You know, and I think there are other cities.

[352] I think Portland's one.

[353] I mean, I think there are certain cities where Portland, it's expensive to live in a sewer grade.

[354] You can get a nice sewer grade for about 1 ,500.

[355] I think the person in the sewer grate was complaining to the little boy that it was $2 ,000 a month to live in the sewer grade.

[356] But it's right on the park.

[357] It's really nice, though.

[358] It's really nice.

[359] I barely spend time here.

[360] Park sewer.

[361] I looked at so many sewers.

[362] I take the shower at the sports club.

[363] It's great.

[364] So that's how I sort of like first got to, I felt like I worked as you, even though we've been traveling in similar circles for a very long time.

[365] Well, you started my career.

[366] I always say that you started my career.

[367] I had to get a sag card because of working on your show.

[368] It was my favorite thing.

[369] And it was a great day to hang out in that hallway.

[370] You just sit in these chairs in this hallway.

[371] People come in and out and you'd watch weird guest stars doing sometimes weird things.

[372] I remember Gene Simmons being the weirdest, just trolling the hallway.

[373] trying to knock on different people's doors and just get in there and just I do remember though the only bit I ever said no to on your show was I got this call and the casting director's like Paul we have a really great bit for you and I was like I can't wait and they're like so Conan's going to come into the audience and he's going to have a razor on him and he's going to shave you bald and I was like I don't know because I was already losing my hair at that point but I didn't know if I could commit to getting my head shaved on TV.

[374] Also do you have I realize they're probably pitching this to you before they've pitched it to me. So there's a chance.

[375] You know what you mean?

[376] Sometimes they were calling around and saying, would you do it?

[377] Yeah, we're going to take a 22 caliber rifle and shoot you in the shoulder.

[378] How is this funny?

[379] Trust me. And Conan's a pretty good shot, so he won't hit a major artery.

[380] And they haven't even pitched it to me yet, or we'll shoot you at rehearsal and then cut it as you're bleeding out.

[381] Which is my favorite thing.

[382] It was the crazy moment, but I was like, I was like, oh, I wanted, I want to do this bit.

[383] This would be really funny, but I was so nervous to really commit to shaving off my full head of hair for a bit.

[384] So I did say no, and I always felt badly about it.

[385] It really, it crippled your career.

[386] Did anyone do it?

[387] Did someone go on?

[388] Someone did it.

[389] I believe it might have been Andy Blitz.

[390] Oh, Andy Blitz would do that even if it wasn't a sketch.

[391] I mean, I have such fun memories of that.

[392] era and just so much talent around New York City and all of us had this idea of what we thought was funny.

[393] Yeah.

[394] Which was quite at odds with what the people I was working for thought was funny, which was often a problem.

[395] But I know that you came up with Jack McBray.

[396] I think you guys were in, were you in UCB together?

[397] Yeah, Jack and I were in a show together called Shear McBrere or Ghost Ship.

[398] And then we also were performing every Saturday together in a group called Respecto Montaubon.

[399] Okay.

[400] The titles alone.

[401] Ghost ship with a show where Jack and I improvised just two -man improv show and every time we would reference the movie Ghost Ship.

[402] And that was the only thing that came back to the show.

[403] My conceit was always that the ship was a ghost and Jack believed that people were dead on the ship and there were ghosts on the ship.

[404] So here's my, I've talked about this before but I cannot say enough.

[405] I've known Jack and I swear to God I'm friends with Jack and have been friends with Jack For years and years and years and years and years, I've never had a real conversation with him because I always, the minute I see him go into the A -hole city slicker, and he goes into the put -upon Rube.

[406] We'll do that for 45 minutes.

[407] And I've often thought someday one of us is going to be on death's door in the hospital.

[408] Let's just say I go in.

[409] Let's just say it's Jack, because he doesn't take care of himself the way I do.

[410] And I'm going to know it, and Jack's going to know it, that these are his last, he might, he's probably going to go later today, and he's in the hospital and everyone's getting a minute to just to say hi.

[411] I know for a fact, and I go in and say, well, well, well, now don't you be afraid about these doctor fellas?

[412] I know they didn't have them back home, and he's going to go, sir, I'm quite familiar with what I...

[413] Oh, no!

[414] By the way, it would be the best...

[415] We won't have a real moment.

[416] You can't.

[417] Jack is one of the funniest people, but That's a sign that he likes you and more than likes you, loves you, because he won't do that with everybody, but you will get into bits with him that will last for, for literally years.

[418] And then sometimes you don't know where the bit is and where Jack begins because, as I know Jack, I think every day he spends by his pool drinking Bud Lights.

[419] I think that's the only, that's what I mean, oh, yeah, that's Jack's.

[420] Also, he's the last person on Earth who hasn't heard you're not supposed to lay in the sun.

[421] Oh, yeah, Jack.

[422] And get a deep dark tan.

[423] Isn't he a big Mountain Dew guy, too?

[424] Oh, yeah, Mountain Dew.

[425] But he pours Bud Light into it.

[426] Yeah, Mountain Dew and Bud Light and by the pool, maybe mixing those two things together, it's like a sun tan lotion for your inside.

[427] It pushes the cancer out.

[428] It's an oral sunkenchew.

[429] The cancer's like, it's too rough here.

[430] I don't need it.

[431] I don't need to be in the sun.

[432] Some dermatologists are starting around the world, they're starting to say, McBarrer's on to something.

[433] He might have broken through.

[434] You've written a book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma.

[435] Yes.

[436] First of all, I can't think of a better way for, especially a comedian or someone in comedy to sum up.

[437] This weird line we have between there were things that moments in our childhood that we feel in the moment brought us great anxiety, fear, unhappiness, anger.

[438] And then now we realize.

[439] oh, it was all part of the stew.

[440] It's interesting because you tell these stories that are part of your life and that you maybe have no spin on.

[441] It's like, oh, yeah, this just happened.

[442] Like, I remember I was telling my wife, I was like, oh, yeah, I never opened the door for strangers because my grandma told me about this butcher who would, you know, kill kids and chop them up into chop meat.

[443] And you know, my wife would be like, wait, what do you mean?

[444] I'm like, yeah, the butcher, you know, she...

[445] The story all kids hear from their grandmother.

[446] And my grandma told me the story where she's like, You know, she's like, you can't open the door because if you open the door, the butcher will come in and his steps will come up the stairs and he'll grab you and you'll put you in a sack.

[447] And I'm like, uh -huh.

[448] And she's like, and it's happening right around the corner.

[449] And then the end of the story was the mom goes to the butcher.

[450] She orders some chop meat.

[451] She starts making the chop meat.

[452] She's grinding it up and she puts it in the pan.

[453] And as she puts it in the pan, the chop meat goes, Mama.

[454] No. And that image, I mean, I know it can't.

[455] exist like the look who's talking babies.

[456] No, it could.

[457] Is your grandma a grim brother?

[458] Yeah.

[459] It's like that frightened me, this butcher.

[460] I was like, yeah, there's a butcher who lives in our neighborhood who chops up children.

[461] But also, Paul, occasionally, your grandmother should know, occasionally someone needs to come into the house.

[462] Occasionally, someone does need to come in.

[463] Never going to let anyone in.

[464] Do not chop me up, butcher.

[465] You will not get me. Yeah, we're here to pick up the rug.

[466] Oh, my God.

[467] Yeah, no. So you must have had because you talk about this very honestly in your book.

[468] Parents, divorce from you very young.

[469] A stepfather comes into the picture who's, you know, it's physically and emotionally abusive.

[470] So you're dealing with that.

[471] And it's not, of course, none of that is funny.

[472] But you had a very singular childhood.

[473] And then you describe later in your life, you're talking to your friends and you're saying, just as you did right now.

[474] You know when your grandmother tells you that if anyone comes in that, the house, they'll chop you up, and then you'll become a talking hamburger helpmate.

[475] You know, no, you've had people say, no, Paul, that's not a normal childhood.

[476] That's not what you do.

[477] I mean, like, you don't, like, I remember I raised money to go into the city to go see a naked woman.

[478] That was the only job that I was like, I'm like, we, like, we heard about naked women.

[479] We were like, we didn't have any access to naked women, but we were close to the city.

[480] And me and my friends were like, let's go get some money.

[481] We'll go into the city and we'll find a, We didn't know how.

[482] I think we were like freshmen in high school.

[483] Like, you know, so we were a little, yeah, I went to a Catholic school.

[484] They didn't really talk about sex.

[485] It was very, you know.

[486] Oh, it's not discussed.

[487] No, it's not.

[488] I mean, the craziest thing is my health class was taught by my phys ed instructor, which is, I think, a normal thing.

[489] And there was a very shy girl in our class, lovely girl.

[490] And she got up to go to the bathroom.

[491] And the gym teacher was like, I got a good plan.

[492] I got a good plan here.

[493] And so she gets up and he takes up.

[494] this dildo out of his desk.

[495] Now, I have never, again, at this point, seen this dildo.

[496] You just think it's a rubber cucumber.

[497] I'm like, what?

[498] I mean, I'm shocked because it's like, all right, so, and he goes, all right, all right.

[499] And he shoves it in her lunch bag.

[500] And we're all waiting there.

[501] And he's like, okay, she's coming back, she's coming back.

[502] Everybody, calm down.

[503] And so we're all sitting there waiting in this very sweet girl, very shy, very nice, you know, starts to take out her sandwich and he goes, hey, you, Stefan.

[504] And he, what the hell?

[505] And he rips out this dildo.

[506] And he's like, what is this doing in your bag?

[507] And he starts waving it in the air.

[508] And then the entire, it's like a carry moment.

[509] The entire class starts laughing.

[510] And you're like, and that way, you know, and we're like, and he's like, I just got you.

[511] I got you.

[512] This is not real.

[513] This is not.

[514] No, no, I didn't just getcha.

[515] Oh, my God.

[516] That's your person.

[517] We need names now.

[518] We need to go back in my God.

[519] We need to find this guy.

[520] Yeah.

[521] And this is like, and that was a story that I, like, I, like, I. Like, again, I was like, oh, yeah, that's as close as I got to understanding anything about sex in school, like seeing that dildo shoved in that girl's lunch.

[522] And her humiliated.

[523] Yeah.

[524] And you're like, oh, I guess that's what sex is.

[525] Yeah, this is, this is about all the details I have.

[526] Oh, that's horrible.

[527] But, I mean, you know, you, you, you, as a kid, you get very interested in obsessed with making tapes of things.

[528] Oh, yeah.

[529] You want to, you want to record everything and make tapes.

[530] to the extent that you made your own video store pretty much.

[531] Yeah, I made my own.

[532] I loved VHS movies, and I wanted to like, that was to me the dream to own my own video store.

[533] I felt like that was, you can't get any better than that.

[534] You have all these things at your disposal.

[535] It's funny.

[536] That was your dream job.

[537] When I was a kid, I remember seeing a toll booth operator.

[538] My parents driving through, we were going through the Sumner Tunnel or coming out of it in Boston, and we went through a toll booth.

[539] And I remember thinking, that's the life.

[540] I looked at a guy standing in a booth and I just thought that would be cool because there's no homework and no one to boss you around and you just, and it's a pretty simple job and then you get to go home and watch cartoons.

[541] And I remember thinking, but so yours was video store owner.

[542] Mine was toll booth operator on Route 128 in Boston.

[543] But those moments, it's like you'd get connected.

[544] I was like, I could get never -ending story.

[545] I'd be on the top of the list because back in the day, when you wanted to get a video, you'd have to put your name on a list and then they'd call you like, all right, you know, never -ending stories and you can come in and get it, but if you don't come before five, next person on the list is getting called.

[546] And so I was obsessed with doing this.

[547] It's like being an organ donor.

[548] Except the stakes are so much, they bring you, you've been approved for never -ending story.

[549] It's coming to you in a cooler.

[550] Just drop what we're doing.

[551] You've got to get in.

[552] We've got to see that kid fly on that dog.

[553] But then it became this thing where I started having these movies and people found out about it.

[554] And I would run a video store out of my high school where teachers would be like, hey, yeah, Ferris Bueller?

[555] Can I borrow Ferris Bueller?

[556] I was like, all right, you can borrow various.

[557] Like, teachers were holding me back in class for me to pass them VHS tapes.

[558] And I felt like, all right, this is my thing now.

[559] Also, I love the idea that you thought, and this will never end.

[560] Yeah.

[561] This is the, this is the, this is at the people are always going to need a job, the medium, nothing.

[562] It's gold.

[563] I know how to put things on VHS.

[564] And if you want them, there's no other way to see it.

[565] But it was, like, for this, like, a little bit of time, like, working up Blockbuster, it was the best.

[566] You were like, this is it.

[567] We ran a fake autograph signing at my Blockbuster because there's a girl that just looked like Jamie Gertz.

[568] And we decided that we went to wear.

[569] I know her.

[570] We were like, hey, can you call your friend and have her come in and we'll set up a table and we'll make her sign a poster?

[571] And then we realized there was no Jamie Gertz movies, but there was an Ali Sheedy movie that we had a poster for.

[572] Everything is wrong.

[573] It's a fake Jamie Gertz signing Ali's Sheetie's autograph.

[574] Everything's wrong.

[575] We just like set up an autographs.

[576] Meet Ali, you know, like meet Jamie Gertz and be like, who's Jamie Gertz?

[577] From Lost Boys.

[578] And we hung up this poster in our blockbuster that said Jamie Gertz on an Ali Sheet.

[579] movie poster in the front window for months.

[580] And how to go over?

[581] Did people are excited?

[582] People were excited.

[583] People have pictures of it.

[584] People have sent me pictures of it because I talked about it one time on the podcast.

[585] They were people have pictures with fake Jamie Gertz.

[586] And fake Jamie Gertz reached out to me and she said, yeah, it was a really high, it was a highlight.

[587] Yeah.

[588] And she's being sued by fake Ali Sheedy.

[589] Who's being sued by real Allie Sheedy?

[590] It's a very complicated lawsuit, but one of them is going to get to own the Atlanta Hawks.

[591] You have a part of your very cool book.

[592] that is dedicated to awkward celebrity encounters, which I'd love to go into a little bit, just because they are my favorite moments in my life.

[593] You go on with the best intention.

[594] My new thing is, like, I will not now approach anybody because it's too nerve -wracking.

[595] I'd rather just stand back.

[596] I mean, who did you have, like, is there anyone that comes to mind where you feel like you messed up the encounter?

[597] Well, there's one I've talked about before, but definitely, and it was, the truncated version was just, I hadn't had coffee yet.

[598] It was really early in the morning, and I go into this coffee shop on the upper east side.

[599] And I get mine, and I sit down, I'm just about to have it when I see that the person in line who's standing shoulder to shoulder with me, I'm sitting having my coffee on a tall stool, and he's right there is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[600] And it was just this great moment because he recognized me and wanted to say hi, but had nothing to say.

[601] And I haven't had my, and he hasn't had his coffee, and I just got my coffee, and it's early.

[602] And it literally just became coffee, huh?

[603] And I was like, yes.

[604] No, I'm having, it's good.

[605] It's good in the morning.

[606] And I went, yeah, it's good in the morning.

[607] It's really, it's good in the morning to have.

[608] And then there was a long pause.

[609] And he went, to have the coffee.

[610] And I went, yes.

[611] And then there was a long pause and he went, it wakes you up.

[612] And I said, yes, because of, and there was a long pause.

[613] He was like, the caffeine.

[614] And I'm like, oh my God, this is awful.

[615] This is awful.

[616] And yet, I mean, this is, he is the most iconic, one of the most iconic people in the world.

[617] And this is what we're talking about.

[618] Oh, my God.

[619] It's such, like, you're trying to make this connection.

[620] It's like, I want to be, I just want to, like, be normal or just say hi.

[621] Or I want to get in.

[622] I want to get out.

[623] And I did this movie.

[624] And there was a guy in this movie that I would hang out with all the time.

[625] And he's like, oh, you know RDJ?

[626] And I'm like, oh, who's RDJ?

[627] He's like, Robert Danny Jr. RD

[628].J. And I'm like, and

[629] I'm like, Like,

[630] oh,

[631] no,

[632] no, I

[633] don't

[634] know

[635] him.

[636] He's

[637] like,

[638] we're