Armchair Anonymous: Cremation Disaster

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by.

[6] Are you trying to take a picture of me?

[7] Is that what you're up to?

[8] I was going to.

[9] I think you were.

[10] Operating my new glasses over here.

[11] Listen, this is the cremation episode.

[12] Oh, we got to get serious.

[13] It came, we came by it organically because Paul Rudd.

[14] Rudd had a great cremation story.

[15] And that was a dingle, dingles.

[16] We're like, why not expand this?

[17] Yes, so that is this episode.

[18] And I don't know if I want to give a spoiler, but they all have something in common, which is counterintuitive.

[19] Well, all of these end the same way.

[20] Well, ish.

[21] But also they all start the same way somebody's parish.

[22] I guess you're right in that way.

[23] They are all ending and starting in the same place, but what's in the middle.

[24] Yeah.

[25] And I hope people aren't like, oh, this is going to be such a bummer of one because there's death involved.

[26] There is, but.

[27] But we do a pretty good job waiting through that.

[28] Yeah.

[29] I'm putting a nice spin on it.

[30] I do.

[31] So please enjoy crazy cremation stories.

[32] All times come and go.

[33] Take them slow.

[34] You got to know I'm going to keep them shining.

[35] It's a boss.

[36] Oh, my gosh.

[37] The camera comes up.

[38] Oh, Voss.

[39] Hello.

[40] Hello.

[41] Can you hear us?

[42] Can you hear me?

[43] Oh, beautifully.

[44] Is this Sheila?

[45] It is Sheila, yes.

[46] Okay, nice to meet you, Sheila.

[47] Where are you at other than the closet?

[48] I'm in Twin Falls, Idaho.

[49] Okay, wonderful.

[50] We don't talk to many Twin Falls, Idahoians.

[51] Yeah, and you'll find this interesting, so I know you love Evil Caneval, and I'm about a mile from the jump.

[52] Oh, you are over Snake River?

[53] Yes, so if you're ever driving through them, Big Brown, you just pull right into my driveway.

[54] I'll take you down there.

[55] Oh, lovely.

[56] That's exciting.

[57] Do you have a 50 -amp charger on the property?

[58] I don't, but I would get one.

[59] I love it.

[60] Okay, so Sheila, you have a cremation disaster story.

[61] I do.

[62] Oh, wonderful.

[63] My apologies and thank you.

[64] Yeah.

[65] So this happened in January of 2010.

[66] I have five kids, but at the time four were living at home, one had moved away.

[67] So my kids were 8, 10, 14, and 16.

[68] Aye, aye, aye.

[69] Yeah, that's a lot of kids, right?

[70] And so we had this family pet chinchilla.

[71] And my kids loved it.

[72] It's the name was Felix.

[73] Not a sex chinchilla.

[74] Not Monica, the sex chinchilla.

[75] Okay.

[76] Just a regular chinchilla.

[77] Regular chinchilla and no sex involved.

[78] Quick question, Sheila.

[79] Did it stress you out holding the chinchilla?

[80] Because it doesn't have a rib cage, right?

[81] You have to be real delicate when you hold those things?

[82] Yeah, I have to be honest, I was not a fan of the chinchilla.

[83] It kind of looks like a cross between a squirrel and a rabbit, a little too mouse -like for me. So my kids loved them.

[84] We've had like four over the years, but I did not hold it.

[85] Okay.

[86] Nobody likes chinchillas.

[87] That's why I was offended by being called a sex chinchilla.

[88] Well, no, just Sheila doesn't.

[89] Well, no most people.

[90] No, they love the whole chinchillas.

[91] I'd be delicate.

[92] I love you, Monica, but no, you are not a chinchilla.

[93] Thank you.

[94] Thank you.

[95] I'll take it.

[96] So one morning we wake up, the chinchilla is dead.

[97] You know, my kids are so sad.

[98] And so I say, okay, it's going to be fine.

[99] We're going to have a funeral.

[100] So they wrap the chinchilla in a blanket, and they make this cute little casket out of a shoebox, and they decorate it, and it's a whole production.

[101] And so I say to my 16 -year -old son, I need you to dig a hole.

[102] So we go outside.

[103] The whole family's standing there.

[104] The kids are crying.

[105] And my son tries to dig.

[106] Well, it's Idaho, And it's January, and the ground is frozen solid.

[107] Yeah, no way.

[108] So I thought to myself, well, I wonder if I could cremate it.

[109] So I have a friend in my life who thinks he's an expert.

[110] Oh, weird.

[111] Can't relate.

[112] So I called him, and I said, do you think that I could cremate this chinchilla?

[113] And he said, listen, if you throw enough gas on something, you can cremate anything.

[114] Oh.

[115] And so I said, well, great.

[116] Let's do it.

[117] So I have kind of a big property.

[118] We had a Christmas tree we had thrown out.

[119] I thought, okay, we're going to go to the back of the lot.

[120] We're going to cremate this chinchilla.

[121] Oh, my God.

[122] So, of course, my 16 -year -old is all over this.

[123] Like, he wants to start a fire.

[124] He gets the gas.

[125] You know, the kids are crying.

[126] We're standing there.

[127] He coats the tree with gas, and he puts the gas on the chinchilla box.

[128] And then he goes, I got to go to work.

[129] But whatever you do, Mom, do not pour more gas directly on this fire.

[130] And I said, great.

[131] Yes.

[132] I'm already seen the many Instagram videos of people pouring gas on barbecues and losing control of the whole stuff.

[133] situation.

[134] But of course, in your head, you've got control.

[135] It's totally fine.

[136] So my son leaves, the three kids are standing there, and the fire is huge.

[137] Well, it starts to kind of dwindle.

[138] And I look in there, and I realize the shoebox is gone, the blanket is gone.

[139] But I can see this little chinchilla.

[140] Oh, no. At the bottom, just laying there.

[141] And I realize my kids are starting to see it too.

[142] And so I'm like, oh, crap, I got to fix this.

[143] So I shove more wood under the Christmas tree.

[144] I made the kids stand back, poured some gas, and the flames are huge, and I'm like, okay, that'll do it.

[145] Same thing.

[146] No. It is still this little round.

[147] By this point, you can tell there's no hair on it.

[148] It is just this little charged thing.

[149] Oh, my God.

[150] This is.

[151] And I'm like, okay, this is it.

[152] We are doing it.

[153] Kids back up.

[154] I start to pour the gas.

[155] Well, the fire followed the fumes up into the gas can.

[156] Perfect.

[157] And I look down, and the gas can is on fire in my hand.

[158] Oh, my God.

[159] So you throw it, right?

[160] Yeah, so I go to throw it.

[161] I'm screaming.

[162] I go to throw it.

[163] And before I can get out of my hands, it explodes.

[164] Oh.

[165] And it was so freaking loud.

[166] It scared me to death.

[167] And then I looked down and realized that I am on fire.

[168] No, wait.

[169] Chinchilla's thriving, but mom is on fire.

[170] Oh, my God.

[171] I'm on fire.

[172] Chinchilla's now moving around.

[173] It's back to life.

[174] life.

[175] So you know your whole life you've been taught.

[176] Like, you stop, drop, you roll.

[177] Well, my adrenaline is through the roof, and I take off running through the yard, like a crazy person.

[178] On fire, running all fire.

[179] Everyone's got a game playing with gas, and then every time it goes sideways, everyone does the same thing.

[180] They chuck that gas can, which just fucking spreads fire everywhere, or it blows up in your hand.

[181] Then you're running.

[182] Oh, my God.

[183] So I'm screaming.

[184] I'm running.

[185] I can hear kids running.

[186] Everyone's crying.

[187] I can hear my 14 -year -old screaming at the top of their lungs.

[188] Stop drop and roll, Mom.

[189] Stop dropping roll.

[190] So I hit the ground and I'm literally praying like, oh my gosh, this is so bad.

[191] I've got to be okay.

[192] And I'm rolling.

[193] And then I realize, okay, the fire is out.

[194] Oh, I'm okay.

[195] That shit works.

[196] So I go to stand up and I'm shaking so bad from adrenaline and shock.

[197] I can hardly stand and I just start screaming, is my hair burned off?

[198] is my hair burned off?

[199] I was so worried that I would have no hair.

[200] So I looked down at myself, realized my hands are all cut up from the gas can exploding.

[201] And I didn't see this at the time, but, you know, it was one of the big tall ones and the whole side was blown out of it.

[202] Oh, my God.

[203] Was it a metal gas can or a plastic gas can?

[204] A plastic.

[205] A plastic one.

[206] Okay, okay, all right.

[207] Is there a fire still going on, though?

[208] Yes, the funeral fire is still going.

[209] At this point, I don't even know what's going on.

[210] It's turned into a Vikings funeral somehow.

[211] I get in the house to check myself out.

[212] I have singed hair around my head.

[213] Oh, boy.

[214] Eyebrows are singed.

[215] Oh.

[216] But I only got burned one little spot on my hand, and so I'm trying to calm the kids down, and the phones are ringing because the neighbors have heard this massive explosion.

[217] It's Waco next door to their house.

[218] Oh, my God.

[219] Yeah.

[220] So I get everyone calm, and then I say, okay, nobody tell dad, and nobody tell your brother.

[221] because the last thing he said to me was do not pour gas on this fire.

[222] So, you know, the kids are crying in, but I'm like, it's going to be fine, everyone's fine.

[223] Well, then my friend, who's the expert, doesn't know any of this has happened.

[224] And he calls me and he says, hey, how's it going over there?

[225] I haven't smelled this much chinchilla since I was in NOM, which he thinks is hilarious.

[226] So I start hysterically crying again.

[227] The kids get all worked up.

[228] So I'm like, okay, everyone, we're going to make dinner.

[229] It's fine.

[230] Remember, we're not telling anyone.

[231] So my husband gets home from work, walks in.

[232] The kids are just sheet white.

[233] They've been through some stuff since dad left for work.

[234] That's obvious.

[235] And so my husband's like, what's going on?

[236] I'm like, nothing, nothing.

[237] Everything's fine.

[238] We're great.

[239] And then he stands there from it and he goes, why does it smell like gasoline in here?

[240] And so I just start crying because my hair smells like gas.

[241] I'd had to throw away my jacket.

[242] Oh, no. You know, the kids are a mess.

[243] And so it's one of those stories.

[244] that is funny now, in the time was very traumatic.

[245] I mean, I had a kid with PTSD.

[246] We had to go to a counselor.

[247] Sure.

[248] Well, when you see mom engulfed in flames, it really leaves a mark.

[249] Yeah, yeah.

[250] That's hard to unsee.

[251] And it was real fun to sit and tell a counselor the story.

[252] And I'm sure in her head, she's like, you are the worst mother in history.

[253] But she just said to my child, wow, you have a really interesting family.

[254] Nice positive spin.

[255] Yeah, yeah.

[256] Yeah.

[257] So, you know, I guess the moral of the story is you can use a lot of gasoline.

[258] That doesn't mean you can cremate anything.

[259] My favorite part of the story is this is a dad's story.

[260] What you went through is probably happened to a couple hundred thousand dads.

[261] It's rare that a mom's got her sleeves rolled up and is dumping gas on an open fire.

[262] I mean, that's really the domain of us dads.

[263] It's really true.

[264] It's like the zipline dad.

[265] Like, you're like the zipline dad.

[266] Yep.

[267] I mean, I could definitely find myself in that sitch.

[268] although I will say, and this is not to say that you should have thought of this, but I go to cooking a steak.

[269] When you cook a steak, you could have the flame on fucking full blast.

[270] It's not going to make that steak turn into ashes anytime soon.

[271] It might be a week on that grill before it's ashes.

[272] So you got to just think like they're creamy in thousands of degrees, right, to get that carcass to fucking turn to ash.

[273] It's funny now.

[274] Like we all laugh about it.

[275] It's this family folklore story, but yeah, it was not funny for a long time.

[276] Sounds like my firework display on New Year's Eve.

[277] What ended up happening with the carcass of the chinchilla?

[278] Did anyone go out and check at any point?

[279] Yeah, so my son went out.

[280] He scooped it up in a shovel and threw it away and said to me, that's what we should have done at first.

[281] Right.

[282] You just learn the hard way.

[283] Let the city dump deal with that.

[284] Yeah, but it was very charred by that point.

[285] Oh.

[286] It was probably medium rare at that point.

[287] Probably good eating.

[288] Oh.

[289] You get past the gas taste.

[290] Gross.

[291] I don't think there's much to their bodies.

[292] They're really little.

[293] Well, Sheila, what an eventful.

[294] I would have given anything to be your neighbor and look outside and see this chaos.

[295] I mean, of course, I'd run out probably with a blanket to save you, but I hope I would be enjoying the spectacle before I got involved.

[296] What a shit show.

[297] I mean, that's a fucking disaster, Sheila.

[298] Yeah, it was terrible.

[299] So what, the youngest is now, what, 18?

[300] No, my youngest is now 22.

[301] Wow.

[302] Okay.

[303] And they've all, they lived through it.

[304] Yep, they lived through it.

[305] And I got all their permission to tell the story because there's a couple of them that it was a little more traumatic for than others.

[306] Sure.

[307] We like to bring up a story in my family quite often of a time when my mother was spanking, my brother and I, and we started laughing at her.

[308] She's a single mother, worked to the edge, and she sent us to our bedroom, and we were in our bunk beds.

[309] And all of a sudden, she came in with Hot Wheel Track and was just swinging like a whirling dirt, smacking the shit out of us with this rubber fucking track.

[310] She let us have it.

[311] We broke her.

[312] She snapped.

[313] And any time we can, we bring that story up to her.

[314] Yeah, there's been a few of those times that my kids bring up, the Chinchilla story.

[315] There's a few of those.

[316] The DIY cremation.

[317] Yeah.

[318] Well, Sheila, so nice to meet you.

[319] What an incredible story.

[320] I apologize for your children, but I'm glad everyone lived.

[321] Well, we lost one.

[322] The chinchilla, but you know, that was prior.

[323] Yeah.

[324] And I'm loving the new chair, by the way.

[325] Monica, have you gotten to like it anymore?

[326] Um, yes.

[327] I like it more because Dax likes it.

[328] And I want him to be happy.

[329] You're super supportive.

[330] Well, we also had a single guest now.

[331] We've had one guest that actually liked it.

[332] That was kind of stylish.

[333] Right.

[334] So it's like it's a slow.

[335] Yes, slow part.

[336] It's way too big, as you can see.

[337] It's kind of comically big, but I'm glad you don't hate it.

[338] I do like it.

[339] Well, so nice meeting you.

[340] So nice to meet you.

[341] Thanks for telling us that story.

[342] All right.

[343] Thank you.

[344] All right.

[345] Bye.

[346] Okay.

[347] So what are you supposed to do?

[348] You can't cremate stuff.

[349] No, no. Killers would get away with it.

[350] They would just dump gas on bodies.

[351] But I mean, because you said people, like, throw the gas camp, but what would you?

[352] You got to set it down instead of throwing it because it just spreads it.

[353] But there was one that was just last week, a guy trying to start his barrow.

[354] barbecue in a very tiny little patio area.

[355] And same thing that goes up into the jug.

[356] He throws the jug now the side of his house is on fire.

[357] So then he decides to kick the jug, which just spreads the fire now across the whole patio.

[358] And now it's burning in another location.

[359] What he should have immediately done is went and grabbed a blanket.

[360] That's the only thing you can do is you've got to smother out all the oxygen.

[361] Leave it where it's at, get a huge blanket and put that on top.

[362] Kicking it all around the place is not the move.

[363] But it's instinctual.

[364] I think you're like, get it out of here.

[365] It says, that's going to kill me. That has to, yeah.

[366] Now the whole house is on fire.

[367] I'm going to need to put a fire extinguisher every five feet.

[368] Yeah.

[369] You should practice using one before you just.

[370] I think some people put them everywhere and then when the time comes, they don't know how to use it.

[371] I know.

[372] I have one.

[373] There's another 12 minutes to figure out how to pull the pin out and all that.

[374] Yeah.

[375] I have one and I thought that.

[376] Like, I don't know how to use it.

[377] Yeah, it was a ceremonial.

[378] Right.

[379] And here's Dana.

[380] Dana, can you hear us?

[381] I can.

[382] Can you hear me?

[383] Yes, what playful overalls you have on.

[384] Yeah, my husband said I needed to wear them.

[385] Oh, you have a good husband.

[386] He's been paying attention.

[387] I know.

[388] Where are you?

[389] I'm in Michigan.

[390] No way.

[391] What part?

[392] Southern, really close to the Indiana border.

[393] Sturgis.

[394] Do you know Sturgis?

[395] Yes, I do know Sturgis.

[396] That's two cities over from me, though.

[397] So what city are you in?

[398] Coldwater.

[399] Oh, just, of course, cold water.

[400] Yeah, that's where my husband was born and raised.

[401] and I ended up here.

[402] And famously, Dan Severin, the UFC champ, is from Coldwater.

[403] Yeah, that's the one thing they can bloat about.

[404] So you had a crazy cremation disaster.

[405] Yes.

[406] Okay.

[407] So all these stories are going to start out kind of sad.

[408] They are, yeah.

[409] Unless it's like about a dog or something.

[410] We did just hear it.

[411] We did have an animal one.

[412] We heard a Chinchilla one.

[413] That was, we could all kind of get over that.

[414] Yeah.

[415] I was like, oh, that's a bummer.

[416] Did you get another one for eight bucks?

[417] You know.

[418] Okay.

[419] So my mom passed away when I was 15 years old.

[420] She left behind four kids.

[421] So my two older siblings from her first marriage and then my younger sister from her second marriage.

[422] And when she passed, somebody thought it would be a good idea for all of us to pick out our own earns.

[423] And I thought that was super special because we got to kind of pick out and earn that represented her the most to us.

[424] And then they were going to divvy up the ashes four ways.

[425] So everyone had a little bit of mom.

[426] Yeah.

[427] So my brothers, I don't remember what his urn really looked like, and I wasn't going to bother him for this story.

[428] But I remember my older sister, she had this really sleek chrome urn.

[429] It had like a gold band around it.

[430] I just remember thinking it looked like really cool.

[431] And mine was white and it was ceramic and it had floral engravings on it.

[432] And it was just very elegant and feminine.

[433] And my little sister, she was eight at the time.

[434] She picked out a very patriotic urn.

[435] Oh, wow.

[436] Bald Eagle.

[437] For like a veteran.

[438] Okay.

[439] Mom's not a veteran.

[440] Nor is she like any more patriotic than any one of us.

[441] Did say thanks for your service or anything on it?

[442] No, I think it was just like the band had some sort of patriotic embellishment.

[443] Oh, my God.

[444] I thought it was sweet, though.

[445] Yeah.

[446] Yeah.

[447] So we fast forward.

[448] I graduate.

[449] I'm 17 years old.

[450] I go up to Michigan to stay with her for the summer and just kind of hang around here.

[451] And one day I hear some commotion coming from her bedroom.

[452] So I run down the hallway, open her door.

[453] And there is ash everywhere all over her closet floor.

[454] Oh.

[455] Did a shelf giveaway or something?

[456] I don't know.

[457] Okay.

[458] Spirits.

[459] Oh, my God.

[460] My urn stays shut.

[461] You can't open it.

[462] And even if you could like pry it open, you'd like risk spreading ash everywhere when you get it open.

[463] Right.

[464] Her urn had a clasp that you could open.

[465] I don't know why.

[466] Just check in with mom.

[467] Right.

[468] So she's panicked.

[469] I'm the only adults.

[470] And so I immediately just start shoving ash with my hand back into the urn.

[471] Oh, God.

[472] get as much as we can back into the jar we get what we can put the clasp on put it away and then I just have to vacuum oh yeah I was gonna ask dustbuster or regular upright vacuum yeah just a regular vacuum okay I mean what else are you gonna do yeah wet paper towel but were you like crying when you vacuumed well no I was trying to be like cool I was trying to trying to be the good, like, older sister.

[473] And I was like, no, don't worry about it.

[474] We can take care of this.

[475] This is no big deal.

[476] Happens all the time.

[477] Yeah, yeah.

[478] What's up, guys?

[479] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

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[481] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

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[488] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[489] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[490] Like the unexplainable death of a retired, firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

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[496] finished up, everything's fine.

[497] I go, I wash my hands.

[498] I'm pretty mortified myself.

[499] I go out into the living room.

[500] I'm kind of panicked.

[501] I didn't not like that situation at all.

[502] And I was putting on a good front for her.

[503] So I get time to just kind of like let my anxiety kick in.

[504] And I'm pacing around.

[505] I start biting my nails.

[506] I'm super uneasy.

[507] And all of a sudden, I am gobsmacked with a taste in my mouth.

[508] No. I look down and underneath my nails is my mom.

[509] You've been munching on your mom in your anxiety.

[510] Yes.

[511] It was black soot under all of my nails.

[512] I mean, in a way, she was there for you in a time of need.

[513] You could look at it that way.

[514] I'd rather not.

[515] Okay, okay.

[516] Never mind.

[517] Scratch that.

[518] Could you describe what mom tasted like?

[519] Is there anything you've ever tasted that resembled the taste of human remains?

[520] I had a feeling you were going to ask that, Dach.

[521] I'm nosy.

[522] I was genuinely trying to remember, like, what that was.

[523] And all I could remember was just the feeling of, like, literal dread come over me. It was bitter.

[524] It wasn't, like, crunchy, like sand.

[525] You know, like, when you get sand in your mouth and it, like, you.

[526] He had punches and it was more powdered than that.

[527] Yeah.

[528] Do you think any made it down the hatch?

[529] It was just in my mouth.

[530] I don't know.

[531] I was mortified.

[532] Literally like, no. Why is this happening to me?

[533] But I just went and got one of those nail brushes.

[534] You know what you are now.

[535] Cannibal.

[536] You're a cannibal.

[537] A cannibal.

[538] I know.

[539] That's what my son said.

[540] Oh, wow.

[541] Well, you know, I remember watching an episode, they had that show that was called, like, My Crazy Addiction.

[542] There's a lot of people with PICA or Pica, however you pronounce that disorder where you eat compulsively, inedible objects.

[543] When I saw, yeah, a gal ate sand all the time, which is my most hated texture, but one gal had eaten her mother.

[544] It started by dipping her finger in the urn.

[545] No. Yes.

[546] And she was running out of her mom's ashes, and it was like consuming her with anxiety.

[547] Oh, my God.

[548] Yeah.

[549] Oh, my God.

[550] Uh -huh.

[551] That's horrible.

[552] So, Dana, it could be worse.

[553] It can't be good for you also.

[554] You know, it's burned.

[555] Like biochemical.

[556] Yeah.

[557] Carcinogens.

[558] Yeah.

[559] Oh, God.

[560] Do you still have your urn?

[561] No, I was going to say she's resting peacefully in Sedona.

[562] Oh, that's a great place.

[563] Do you put her in a vortex?

[564] Yeah, Sedona is a vortex.

[565] So yeah.

[566] Oh, okay.

[567] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[568] Like the magical aspect.

[569] That was her favorite spots.

[570] And then I was really upset because, you know, like everybody romanticizes the, idea of spreading ashes.

[571] And it was not romantic.

[572] It was like there were people traveling by and like the ash got stuck on the side of the thing.

[573] And I had to get like a stick.

[574] And I was like, this is awful.

[575] And I ended up just chucking the urns.

[576] Yeah.

[577] Because I was angry and overwhelmed.

[578] Of course.

[579] That's fair.

[580] Yeah.

[581] Yeah.

[582] It doesn't ever go how anyone imagines it.

[583] You almost wonder what they are imagining.

[584] Because to me, it's quite obviously, like, it's just a powder bomb.

[585] I wasn't there for my fathers but i believe my brother spread his ashes and i think they went out onto the frozen lake and maybe drilled a hole and we're just kind of trying to get them to go in the hole really yeah i kind of think that's how it went down okay yeah it's not an elegant it's not you know we were late to white lotus and i just watched season one in like january and when jennifer coolidge is like throwing the ash off the boat and lucas gage is sitting there just getting hit in the face with it i was dying laughing so much more realistic yeah once you've had a cremation mix up the other ones are real funny to you oh man my husband actually was the one who introduced the podcast to me and i wanted oh he's already i see him on the move yeah hello cold water michigander oh yeah how are you i'm doing great i wanted to take a chance if i got one to tell you you're my letterman oh Oh, that's sweet.

[586] Thank you.

[587] Can't say enough how much this podcast has meant to me and your guys' relationship.

[588] This is the first time I've ever talked to an Emmy Award -nominated.

[589] Oh, we haven't heard that in a while.

[590] I forgot.

[591] Thanks for bringing that back.

[592] I've been on since day one.

[593] Love you guys so much.

[594] Oh, thank you.

[595] That's so sweet.

[596] And you're wearing your 88, 89 Bad Boys T -shirt?

[597] Oh, fucking Rodman, baby.

[598] That's right.

[599] that voice all the way wild thang remember he had wild thang shaved in his head i think then oh yeah yeah he was wild well it's so nice to meet you and thank you so much for saying that we really appreciate you guys yeah oh love you guys thank you all right well take care and thanks for chatting dana all right bye bye oh what a sweet guy okay i wanted to say something bad oh okay now's the time yeah i had to wait um i mean do you think if some made it down the hatch yeah she pooped out her mom sure that's a that's a very unique experience she pooped her mom yeah absorbed into her body no I don't think that I think it goes all the way through into your poo poo and then it goes in the toilet yeah and I wonder if you have that experience like oh my god now I poop my mom out and then you wipe yeah you look at the toilet paper you're like oh my god I see some mom I see your smile You start weeping I feel like it's disrespectful So it's hard to talk You know but That's what you gotta bring it down a little bit It's like you're not saying it And if you wipe it's like You want to save the toilet paper then?

[600] Right it's like there's just like oh my god Yeah so what if you then take the empty urn And just put the piece of toilet paper in there And imagine how that smells a few years later You're carrying it on people go oh is your mom's ashes in there No, some toilet paper that has some of her on it.

[601] And I don't want to talk any further about that.

[602] We're going to leave it there.

[603] Oh, my God.

[604] Reverse engineer how that's possible.

[605] Ready for Georgie?

[606] George.

[607] Dex.

[608] How are you?

[609] Awesome, man. How are you guys?

[610] Good.

[611] George, why so many collared shirts?

[612] First of all, I'm very unorganized.

[613] Okay.

[614] That's fair.

[615] I have a very small closet and a pretty simple guy.

[616] I'm on the verge of getting your accent.

[617] It's very specific.

[618] You want to do it or you want to locate it?

[619] Located.

[620] I'm racking my brain of who I know this accent.

[621] Where are you from?

[622] I don't think of Carolina.

[623] Oh, give me one guess.

[624] Well, Rob just said something, so he tainted me. One of the Carolinas?

[625] Yeah.

[626] I live in Asheville now.

[627] In Asheville, my favorite place.

[628] Favorite place.

[629] I was just talking to friends that are there and apparently spring is in full fucking force there, and it's like euphoric outside, right?

[630] Yes, and so are my allergies.

[631] Same, same.

[632] Wait, what do you do?

[633] Where are you wearing these shirts to?

[634] I work in construction, but I am a project manager, estimator now.

[635] I build luxury mountain homes.

[636] Oh, beautiful.

[637] All there and then Blue Ridge Mountains?

[638] Yes, sir, all up and down the mountains.

[639] Baby doll.

[640] Oh, we'd like that.

[641] Okay, so, George, you have a cremation disaster story.

[642] Yes, and it's a fresh one.

[643] Oh, I'm sorry.

[644] I'm sorry.

[645] You need to cry for a minute.

[646] We're here for you.

[647] I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it, but I think it's a beautiful story and one that makes me smile.

[648] But it's a weird one to share because it's cremation.

[649] Sure.

[650] Well, yeah, that's our fault.

[651] Yeah, that's our fault.

[652] There's an implicit death on the table, every one of these.

[653] Okay, so my mother passed away in 2014.

[654] I was in my mid -20s at the time.

[655] I have an older sister and a younger sister.

[656] We are super tight.

[657] My mother is the definition of love.

[658] Just the most beautiful, loving, friendly, funny person we've ever known.

[659] We didn't have any kind of directions on what she wanted for a funeral or cremation or anything.

[660] But she always joked like, ah, you know, just put me in a box and buried me in the garden.

[661] She passed away somewhat unexpectedly.

[662] We decided to have her premeded.

[663] And my mother loved the ocean.

[664] About a week after the funeral and everything, we decided to go to my uncle's house who lives on the North Carolina coast and put her ashes out to sea.

[665] Beautiful.

[666] Right.

[667] It was beautiful.

[668] We had roses.

[669] One thing I learned during this process, urns are very, very expensive.

[670] Yeah, when you get them from the cremation parlor.

[671] So they give you the ashes in a cardboard box.

[672] They were like, how much is the box?

[673] Well, if that box is complimentary.

[674] So, yeah, that'll do.

[675] Yeah, that'll be perfect.

[676] So the ashes, we never really see them.

[677] I give them to my uncle.

[678] We show up to the beach.

[679] We're still very much more.

[680] It's you and both sisters.

[681] Yeah, just me and my sisters, we get there in my uncle, hands of seats, a small Ziploc bag full of ashes for each of us.

[682] Oh, he divvied it up.

[683] He already's chopped it all up.

[684] Good for him.

[685] Yeah, which is, you know, not something you think about, but there's dirty work.

[686] Yeah, I want to talk to him.

[687] Like, how did he parse this out?

[688] Well, so we get there, we walk out on his dock.

[689] We have our small amount of ashes.

[690] We say our prayers, say our goodbyes.

[691] We dump them out, throw our rows, and the tide, perfect.

[692] flows out, carries ashes out to sea.

[693] Picture perfect.

[694] Oh, yeah.

[695] You know, it's like she was there.

[696] We sit and we just have this great moment of closure.

[697] And as we're in the car to drive four hours back, my uncle's like, hey, I got the ashes.

[698] I thought the ashes were in the ocean.

[699] Yeah, yeah.

[700] Yeah, because there's always so much more than you think.

[701] Right.

[702] Okay.

[703] He gave a small amount.

[704] Yeah, everyone to get their beak wet.

[705] Oh, my God.

[706] Yeah, and there's still now a bunch of ashes left over.

[707] Oh, God.

[708] I mean, you would think he or divvied up in a third.

[709] Equal.

[710] Yeah.

[711] So I have been given a shoebox full of my mother's ashes.

[712] And were you shocked with how much was left where you were like, oh, my God, I thought we got rid of it.

[713] No, we didn't even do half of it.

[714] Not a 16th.

[715] Okay.

[716] Oh, okay.

[717] So I go home and then we go to the process of selling my mother's house and you just get all this stuff.

[718] So somehow in this tussle of things, I'd forget about the ashes.

[719] You misplace them or they just Yeah, as you can tell by my closet I've never been accused of being overly organized So the years go by, I move a couple times And I occasionally find like, oh look, there's mom Okay, she just pops up here and there Yeah, I know I got a plaid collared shirt Where is it?

[720] Oh, shit, hey mom What are you hiding in there?

[721] You've seen my collared plaid shirt?

[722] Such a rascal And that's exactly like what goes through my mind when I see my mom's ashes like, oh, you know, funny.

[723] She was always a prankster.

[724] She's moving herself around your apartment.

[725] About six months ago, I get a new job and I get a new place.

[726] And it is a very, very hectic time in my life.

[727] And so my truck becomes a place that's just filled to the brim with all the random stuff that you don't know where to put.

[728] And I also adopted a puppy.

[729] about three months before that.

[730] One day I decided to take my new puppy with me to one of my job sites and let them run around.

[731] Then I go back to the office and everybody wanted to meet my new puppy.

[732] So I pull into my office, go inside.

[733] I was like, hey guys, puppies in the truck if you want to come meet them.

[734] So everybody comes running out to the parking lot.

[735] And I go to get him out of the truck.

[736] And as soon as I open the truck, my dog just bolts out.

[737] And he is normally a black dog.

[738] What?

[739] He's been rolling around in mom's ashes.

[740] Brolicing like a puppy will.

[741] He had a time of it.

[742] How did he do that?

[743] I have no idea.

[744] There are so many objects in my truck at this time.

[745] You sound like Inspector Gadget.

[746] Like, anything might be in that truck.

[747] There's tools.

[748] There's probably a carburetor in there.

[749] Oh, because you moved and you hadn't removed it.

[750] Yeah.

[751] And these are like just all the small objects that you don't.

[752] know exactly where to put yeah and there's not a good place to put ashes in your house yeah other than the fireplace so my dog runs out and he is completely gray oh yoy yoy and my new co -workers are like it's a puppy and they are rubbing him oh petting him and scratching him no no no kicking mom up into the air and he's a liquor too oh wow oh So I'm still getting to know these people.

[753] But you know immediately what's happened?

[754] No. Even I'm still like, what did he get into?

[755] Is concrete?

[756] What could this be?

[757] And they're like, what is all over your dog?

[758] I'm like, I don't know.

[759] And then it hits me. I look at my truck and I see just a corner of that box.

[760] And I look at my truck and it is like just ashes everywhere.

[761] And the little fella did a good job.

[762] He scattered him everywhere.

[763] Jesus.

[764] Dogs.

[765] So there's my new boss, my new co -workers, just rubbing my mom's ashes all over themselves.

[766] Oh, my God.

[767] I can't imagine you ever told them what was going on.

[768] No. It'd already be off -putting enough that the dog's covered in dust.

[769] Yeah.

[770] Like, if I started petting a dog and it was just a big explosion of fucking dust, I was like, my God, George, you're supposed to clean these things, you know?

[771] Oh, my God.

[772] Yeah, I couldn't handle then if it was.

[773] Somebody's ball.

[774] And these are like my new employer, so I'm trying to look organized.

[775] Yeah.

[776] You're not doing a great job at that point of it.

[777] There's no logical explanation for why you have human remains in your vehicle.

[778] That's right.

[779] People would be worried you are a psychopath.

[780] Yeah.

[781] Dogs ruin everything.

[782] Yeah.

[783] They have the power, too.

[784] There is nothing like the energy of like an eight -month -old puppy.

[785] He's happy as can be.

[786] He has no idea what's going on.

[787] Oh, wow.

[788] So, yeah, my dog ate my mom.

[789] Wow.

[790] And how did you clean up your truck?

[791] You had to pull everything out.

[792] Did you use an air hose or something or a shop vac?

[793] I had an air compressor gave the old sprits, but it was a certified mess.

[794] Driving home just covered.

[795] And you got the windows down and just all swirling around in there?

[796] Yeah.

[797] Yeah, like the more the air comes in, the more.

[798] Boy, what a mess.

[799] That's amazing.

[800] That's an amazing story.

[801] George, George.

[802] And this dog is now, well, that was a long time ago.

[803] That was nine years ago.

[804] This actually happened about three months ago.

[805] Oh, yeah, because you just moved.

[806] You've been carrying the ashes around for nine years.

[807] Which is a task.

[808] Yeah.

[809] Yes.

[810] Okay, maybe he did you a favor.

[811] I think he did you a big favor.

[812] He's like, I'm going to offload this.

[813] I'm going to lighten your load.

[814] For sure, for sure.

[815] That was one of those things I could feel.

[816] my mom just laughing hysterically yeah what could be funnier for her oh my goodness yeah oh wow george what a wild ride you took thanks so much for telling us that story i hope this puppy is your best friend yeah oh man yeah i have a 13 year old and then he's the new guy so he's he's still learning the ways but i'm watching them screw around in the corner right now watching him roll around in my aunt well have fun in that Asheville spring oh my god ding Ding, ding.

[817] Ashville.

[818] Yes.

[819] How do we miss that?

[820] Yeah, he's in Ashesville.

[821] In cremation county.

[822] Oh, God.

[823] Well, great to meet you, George.

[824] Yeah, great to meet you guys.

[825] And I love the F1 podcast, too, man. Awesome stuff.

[826] Thank you, brother.

[827] Take care.

[828] Bye, brother.

[829] See you, Monica.

[830] Bye.

[831] All I can think of after hearing all those stories is I've got to be explicit to my children and just say, like, A, burn me blast me and don't even pick up the ashes unless you want to do it i don't need to be spread anywhere right you know what i'm saying yeah i don't need anyone's dog rolling around in me i don't need anyone to eat i don't desire that any either my children eat me yeah and it sounds like most people end up eating their family members if we've learned anything from this so i just want to alleviate them from any of the pressure yeah but you know it would be kind of funny if they've Put you in, like, a protein powder, uh, uh, yeah, canister.

[832] Because you love, oh, because I love, just use a protein powder canister as the urn.

[833] Yeah.

[834] Yeah.

[835] And it would look like protein powder.

[836] Like, there's a lot of fun to be had.

[837] Yeah.

[838] I guess if they're drug addicts, too, they could snort me. No. It mix me with some Colombian flag.

[839] You don't like that one, but you do like the protein powder.

[840] Okay.

[841] Who's going to spread mine?

[842] Neal.

[843] Yeah.

[844] Don't get sad yet.

[845] Life's life.

[846] not over.

[847] Okay.

[848] Love you.

[849] Love you.

[850] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[851] We know a theme song.

[852] Oh.

[853] Okay, great.

[854] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[855] We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestion.

[856] On the fly a rhyme.

[857] Oh, shh.

[858] enjoy follow armchair expert on the Wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry .com slash survey