#5 - John Heffron, Ari Shaffir (Part 2)

[0] And then he realized like his friends were telling...

[1] Ustream just stopped our recording for some reason.

[2] Alright.

[3] Man, probably.

[4] The fucking man. Okay, now it's back on it.

[5] The man, ladies and gentlemen.

[6] Refresh your browsers, people.

[7] The man apparently was just fucking our ass.

[8] That's crazy.

[9] Like, it just went off air and then everything came back on by itself.

[10] Yeah, he took it with his friends because he wanted to be a downer because they were all taken.

[11] Yeah, this is you told me the story.

[12] And he would smoke.

[13] He was like, fuck it.

[14] But he didn't feel anything.

[15] So he was like, all right.

[16] But then he didn't want to be the one left out.

[17] So he was like, fuck it, I'll smoke with you guys.

[18] He would pass it and he was like, take some.

[19] And then he realized he could, for the first time in years and years, he could actually sit there without his legs and arms cramping up.

[20] What about Sean Rouse?

[21] Maybe it could help him.

[22] I don't know.

[23] There's no way that guy does not smoke pot.

[24] No. Doug doesn't.

[25] Doug doesn't smoke weed.

[26] You would think that Doug would smoke weed.

[27] Stan Hope does not like weed.

[28] Really?

[29] Yeah, he's done it.

[30] I've done mushrooms with Stan Hope.

[31] We did DMT with Stan Hope.

[32] Now we, huh?

[33] He'll go to other dimensions with you.

[34] Why doesn't he do pot?

[35] Pot makes him paranoid.

[36] I understand that.

[37] That's negative side effects of everything for everybody.

[38] Well, I think what the paranoia that pot gives you is really, it's almost like the opposite of alcohol.

[39] Because alcohol makes you look through a tube.

[40] Alcohol, you're like looking at the world through a, yeah, woo, tube.

[41] You're not seeing, but alcohol.

[42] Marijuana is the opposite.

[43] Marijuana releases your blinders.

[44] Yeah.

[45] I see it in front of me, Brian.

[46] It went off in front of me for a second.

[47] It blipped.

[48] Did it?

[49] Yeah.

[50] Just so you guys know, it's not me fucking it up.

[51] Ustream is just fucking up right now.

[52] If you can't see Redman, he's actually sticking his cock into the computer trying to fuck it.

[53] You can't blame Brian, ladies and gentlemen.

[54] Don't be mean.

[55] This is difficult to figure all this stupid shit out.

[56] Ultimately, I would love to have this on my website, on JoeRogan .net, but right now I don't think the technology is available.

[57] It's not quite ready.

[58] But this is ideally the best way to do a show.

[59] This is way more fun than doing some show that's on television that nobody gives a shit about.

[60] We can do whatever the fuck we want.

[61] You don't have to look at it.

[62] I don't want anything from you.

[63] No one's getting paid.

[64] Just for fun.

[65] You have interesting people over and you talk.

[66] Right?

[67] I mean, like, how many times have you done, what's it matter, Brian?

[68] I'm just, they're all blaming me, so I'm going to get my hands up.

[69] He didn't do anything.

[70] Yeah, Brian.

[71] I ran Brian on this and the Conan situation.

[72] How many times have you done, like, a talk show, and it's like, you prepare for it, it's like a big deal, and then you, you know, sit down and you talk to someone for like seven minutes, and you're like, I didn't even say anything.

[73] You know, we didn't even get to talk about anything.

[74] I mean, I had a few topics that kind of got out of the way a little bit, but.

[75] barely said anything.

[76] And then...

[77] And every one of those shows are set up for that reason that it's just nothing.

[78] You just leave there going, that was nothing.

[79] I didn't say anything.

[80] I didn't even...

[81] And then everybody goes, that was a great appearance.

[82] And you go, oh, thank you.

[83] I said two words.

[84] It's like if you're on a Chelsea Handler show, those guys on there say like four or five words.

[85] That's it.

[86] And then you're done.

[87] Yeah.

[88] And then they're done.

[89] Yeah, it's real weird.

[90] And then people go, oh, you were great on the show.

[91] But that's what they want.

[92] They want a short attention span, bing, bang, see this guy real quick.

[93] But that's the...

[94] If you want to go for like...

[95] If you want to go for just a shot in the dark with people, that's what you should give them.

[96] You should give them the shortest, quickest little things as fast as you can so they don't lose interest.

[97] But at the end of the day, do you want the people that lose interest that easy to pay attention to you?

[98] You don't.

[99] You have to get them because you're doing a numbers game.

[100] But then again, how many times have you seen a YouTube clip and you start to open it up and you see nine and a half minutes and you're like, fuck it.

[101] I don't even want to start.

[102] We're all those people.

[103] Yeah, but that's a YouTube clip.

[104] clip is totally different than something like this.

[105] This is cool because you can throw this on at work and you're doing some boring fucking thing at work.

[106] You can throw this on and watch it while you do it and just enjoy a bunch of people hanging around talking.

[107] I like doing that.

[108] I like watching fucking Soulja Boy.

[109] You know who Soulja Boy is?

[110] I like watching him.

[111] You know why I like watching him?

[112] Because he's having a good time.

[113] I like watching that girl on the train.

[114] Did you see that video?

[115] The girl on the train singing.

[116] harshly singing Soulja Boy at some old lady.

[117] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[118] All black people.

[119] That has nothing to do with the story, but they all happen to be black.

[120] Did you see that?

[121] That was a pretty great video.

[122] And then somebody put the subtitles to understand what she was saying.

[123] It was so crazy.

[124] I like watching that kid.

[125] You know why?

[126] Because he's like 19 years old.

[127] He's worth some fucking insane amount of money.

[128] He's got diamonds all over his body.

[129] He's tattooed himself.

[130] Tattooed his fucking face.

[131] Tattooed his neck, his arms, his chest, everything.

[132] And every video that I watch, he's talking shit, dancing, and freestyle rapping, talking about haters, talking about all the girls he's fucking, talking about how much money he has, and how pretty he is.

[133] I enjoy the fuck out of it.

[134] I really do.

[135] To me, it's entertaining as shit, man. I wish there was some type of program that would follow your brain so you can look at everything you searched in one evening.

[136] Oh, that's next, dude.

[137] That's going to be the next Twitter.

[138] The next Twitter is you're going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching.

[139] Yeah.

[140] Well, you could search.

[141] Well, I somehow went from I started looking up fights or something on YouTube and then I found the fight scene from the movie Bodyguard.

[142] from way back in the 80s.

[143] Somehow my brain got from there to where I was watching a Riding Dirty, the song, all cut to Star Trek Wrath of Khan.

[144] So it was all clips.

[145] So Khan was Riding Dirty.

[146] And I don't know how my brain even, how did I even get there?

[147] You're right.

[148] I love to see the progression.

[149] Oh, I'm going to watch this clip from something, Conan said something funny to Leno.

[150] And then you clip that and the next thing you know I'm on.

[151] Soldier Boy on, like...

[152] And you had a wonderful time, though.

[153] I go on YouTube rides and I go on porn rides, too.

[154] Where, you know, you're going to start out normal, and next thing you know, it's big dicks and Asians blowjobs.

[155] You get real specific.

[156] Yeah, yeah, and then you're typing stuff.

[157] That's what, it's wrecked my porn.

[158] That's your first video you watched that night.

[159] It's just a girl with big tits blowing somebody.

[160] Yeah.

[161] That's kind of hot.

[162] And then how did I get to girls that work at Kinko's that?

[163] Horrifying ass -fucking.

[164] Yeah.

[165] That's really kind of one of the craziest things about porn on the internet.

[166] Like, you could just, anybody from their computer directly goes to it.

[167] There's no stopping it.

[168] You can go right to a dick going in an asshole.

[169] Yeah.

[170] You don't have to pay.

[171] No. You don't have to subscribe.

[172] I think that's what desensitized people do so much in the last few years.

[173] Well, they say girls are taking in the ass all the time now.

[174] Well, I saw on one of the porn sites, they had like a comments section underneath the thing.

[175] So where people are complaining about, oh, that girl looks beat on that girl.

[176] And maybe because I'm older, like whatever happened just being excited, you're seeing porn.

[177] Now we're so desensitized, I'm going to judge that chick.

[178] Nah, she's not.

[179] Everybody always judges chicks.

[180] These are professional hot chicks.

[181] I know, but the old days.

[182] Oh my God, they're having sex.

[183] We can see it.

[184] Now I'm going to judge that.

[185] Even back in the 80s, I had my favorites.

[186] I can't do professional porn anymore.

[187] I have to have it amateur.

[188] I have to have it on a cell phone.

[189] I have to have it fake.

[190] If I see a flashbulb go off in the room, I'm like, fuck this.

[191] It simulates you.

[192] It simulates you.

[193] You're feeling like this is really two people that like each other.

[194] Or just are having real sex.

[195] The chick's just looking at her watch.

[196] I can't feel it.

[197] For people who like each other.

[198] People who like each other doing it?

[199] Yeah.

[200] Her pussy's just numb.

[201] Yeah.

[202] Her pussy's just beat the fuck up.

[203] Yeah.

[204] I wouldn't...

[205] There's a whole genre of porn that's...

[206] Couple porn.

[207] People like each other and it's not all, oh yeah, yeah, we like that.

[208] It's a little bit...

[209] And the girls are hot.

[210] I don't want girls to be fucked.

[211] I just want girls to start getting fucked.

[212] Are you a voyeur, Brian?

[213] What?

[214] Generally?

[215] Are you a voyeur?

[216] No, not really.

[217] I just want to know, like, it's real.

[218] Yeah, it's going on.

[219] She's fucking...

[220] It's amazing how many girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face.

[221] It gets...

[222] There's a lot of that, man. Yeah.

[223] I love it.

[224] You like that?

[225] You do?

[226] I like doing it.

[227] I don't like watching it.

[228] Yeah, I don't really slap the bitches.

[229] I didn't expect to love it, but I fucking loved it.

[230] Tell the story, please.

[231] She's like, hit me. I was like, all right.

[232] She goes, come hit me. And I was like, all right.

[233] And by the end, I was fucking...

[234] Boom.

[235] With a follow through on the backhand.

[236] Oh my God.

[237] Like hard.

[238] And she was into it.

[239] It was so fucking awesome.

[240] How bad you hurt her face.

[241] Fuck that.

[242] She took it.

[243] I don't know.

[244] She didn't bleed.

[245] Didn't open her up.

[246] Oh my God.

[247] I wouldn't even be paranoid that the girl would then go, Oh, thanks.

[248] Yeah, this guy just knocked me around.

[249] You got to think of a chick so crazy she wants you to beat her up.

[250] She could easily go to the police.

[251] Yeah.

[252] And then what are you going to say?

[253] She wanted?

[254] I'm like, also you should look at her ass because that is fucking red.

[255] Rape is a horrible, terrible thing.

[256] But so is...

[257] pretending you've been raped.

[258] I mean, how many people have heard stories about a girl gets mad at a guy and just decides to tell people that he raped her?

[259] I had a friend who worked, he played for the Detroit Lions when I was in Detroit and that happened to him.

[260] It was with two girls back at his place.

[261] Super nice guy.

[262] The one girl jokingly said, you know what we could do is we could say that you raped us and how much money would we get?

[263] And they were like, she said it as a joke.

[264] So immediately he said, let's go.

[265] Knocked on his neighbor's door and said, Hey, whatever.

[266] Meet my two friends.

[267] So we'd have one other person to see their condition when they left.

[268] Wow.

[269] So they couldn't then make up the story.

[270] Wow.

[271] Then I had another kind of famous friend.

[272] He would, every time he'd hook up with a girl in a room, he was like way famous.

[273] He'd go to the front desk girl.

[274] He'd walk out that girl.

[275] Whoever was there, he would stop.

[276] So that girl would talk to that person.

[277] So there was one other person that, see, she didn't run out all disheveled like what just happened to me. Wow.

[278] Just as a backup.

[279] Because you obviously just want to go to bed and be like, see you later.

[280] Yeah, but you don't know that girl.

[281] I think, you know, to a lot of people, people that are like famous, like some famous rock star or something like that, that person is like, it's so unfair, their situation.

[282] It's so unfair how much more they have.

[283] How much more money, how much better their life is.

[284] It's so unfair that people feel like you owe them something, like you got an unfair amount.

[285] So they'll try to take from you.

[286] There's a lot of people that don't even feel bad.

[287] bad about fake lawsuits.

[288] They don't even feel bad.

[289] They're like, oh, the rich, F the rich, man. Fuck the rich.

[290] How'd you make that money?

[291] Someone got fucked over.

[292] Paparazzi's are the worst at that, man. Oh, he just run over my foot.

[293] Did you see that thing the other day?

[294] And they played back the video and he didn't even get hit by the car and he was just trying to do it.

[295] Hey, couldn't the paparazzi rant?

[296] I always think of some kind of thing where you hit one button and you zap.

[297] All the computers that are around you.

[298] They have this spray.

[299] You know what?

[300] The paparazzi is the same thing.

[301] They're just a bunch of people that are making a living doing something negative.

[302] And they don't need to do that.

[303] But it's also sort of negative.

[304] Because a lot of times they call those people and say, I'll be at the Ivy.

[305] Come meet me out front.

[306] Right.

[307] And go after them.

[308] There's a lot of people that like it.

[309] But when you're chasing someone and someone's all upset with you, like they've got their kids or something.

[310] Like Dr. Drew.

[311] By the way, we were talking about Dr. Drew.

[312] I think his stance on Pod is retarded.

[313] He's a really nice guy.

[314] I've done a show, the Loveline show.

[315] I've met him a bunch of times.

[316] He's a really cool guy.

[317] And he told me that he was in Hawaii and the fucking paparazzi were taking pictures of his kids.

[318] Him and his kids.

[319] Just in case it was worth something.

[320] Well, it was worth something.

[321] They make money, man. If you get a juicy picture, you can make some mad loot.

[322] How about that picture of John Travolta kissing that dude?

[323] Somebody got paid for that.

[324] How bad was it kissing him?

[325] I saw one of the lips.

[326] I saw one of these.

[327] When you freeze frame a kiss, it'll never look like a casual pet.

[328] It's awesome.

[329] I love how John Travolta rocks a fabulous wig.

[330] Yeah, man. In some pictures, he's balding.

[331] In other pictures, he's got the best head of hair ever.

[332] It's awesome.

[333] At TMZ, I saw one of the guys who works on TMZ, one of the guys said, we saw so -and -so at the airport, and I wanted to go up to him so bad with a camera and just stick it in his face and ask some dumb questions.

[334] I probably could have sold that back to TMZ.

[335] That's one of the things I wanted to do as a sketch.

[336] Just do it.

[337] Or can the guy that does TMZ, can he handle that 15 -minute show without taking a drink of water?

[338] Because he has like a sippy cup that he just...

[339] There's no way there's water.

[340] It's so dumb.

[341] It's evil because those guys are making fun of people that are on TV yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is enjoying all the fame they're getting from being on the show.

[342] But that's legitimate too because some people like the way they're bitchy.

[343] Like they wish they could be that bitchy and they like watching them.

[344] It's like a form of entertainment.

[345] It's a lot about the Chelsea Handler shows too.

[346] Yeah.

[347] What shit on people we wish we could work with.

[348] Yes.

[349] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[350] Exactly.

[351] Yeah, exactly.

[352] But you know what?

[353] There's a place for that too.

[354] It's the same thing as like rich people that get upset at poor people.

[355] It's like people who are not famous, they're like, fuck him, pick out, go after Tiger Woods, you know, go find him.

[356] He's got a billion dollars, fuck him.

[357] Like some woman actually said this on the Jimmy Kimball show.

[358] she was running a website where people could find people's houses.

[359] No, no, no. You would say where the celebrity is at any given moment.

[360] And Jimmy Kimmel was like, don't you understand that there's stalkers and this could be dangerous?

[361] And she goes, well, I'm sure that they sleep well on all their money, on a bed full of money.

[362] And it's like, really?

[363] That's how you look at it?

[364] You're willing to put people...

[365] Put people, like, especially young girls, like, you know how some dudes get fucking really nutty about young girls?

[366] Like, they get crazy.

[367] Like, that one girl that got shot, it was like, when I first came to Hollywood, some girl got shot.

[368] It was on a team show.

[369] Yeah.

[370] People don't understand how, uh...

[371] Black hair.

[372] She was really pretty.

[373] She was like a childhood, not childhood star, but like.

[374] 22 year old star.

[375] She'd become famous when she was like young.

[376] And some dude just got obsessed with her, found out where she lived.

[377] She opened the door and shot her in the chest.

[378] Wow.

[379] People don't understand how scary like stalkers are.

[380] When I used to do radio in Detroit, this girl would send me 15, 16 page letters, not one piece of white left on the paper.

[381] So it was written sideways anyway about.

[382] I had fun going out with you, looking for houses.

[383] Shit that never happened, you know.

[384] I heard about your secret messages, da -da -da.

[385] And then she went away, and then she came back.

[386] And every time I'd be in Detroit, she would leave these letters when your wife's gone, and it's just us.

[387] You know, crazy stuff.

[388] So I went to go get a restraining order against her because she was showing up at my shows and would find out where I would be.

[389] And the judge would...

[390] You fuck her?

[391] No, no, no. Good gosh, no. But it was...

[392] Nothing, nothing, nothing.

[393] I think Greg was like, oh, well, yeah.

[394] Yeah, yeah, totally.

[395] I just wanted to know.

[396] No, no. I'm just trying to think of how far back was this?

[397] Yeah, yeah, no. How many years ago was this?

[398] It was...

[399] It's been about 10, 15 years.

[400] And the guy wouldn't...

[401] The judge would not give up?

[402] He wanted to hear her side of the story.

[403] Now, I had a stack of papers this big of her saying...

[404] She came to the radio station I worked at with some of my stuff.

[405] She goes, John left this.

[406] It was an empty can of tuna fish, junk mail, and baby shoes.

[407] Whoa!

[408] So she got to your house?

[409] No, this was from her place, I guess.

[410] And then I had stacks of letters saying, I hear the secret messages that you're giving me. I will respond to them.

[411] When you say this, it means this.

[412] But when you go to his file a restraining order, the judge...

[413] You get less than a paragraph to write why.

[414] You don't get to hand in any of the psycho stuff.

[415] And then he saw that.

[416] And then the guy who did it for me goes, he's a dude.

[417] He probably thinks you're a pussy that you can't handle.

[418] No, because I'm a guy and I have this girl stalker.

[419] The judge thinks that.

[420] Yeah, it's like you're a pussy.

[421] You're a guy.

[422] Handle the girl.

[423] Don't bring us involved.

[424] his attitude.

[425] So I couldn't file it.

[426] That was the judge's attitude?

[427] That's what the guy at the court said.

[428] That was before that shit got hurt.

[429] No, this, I tried doing this a couple years ago, but it doesn't, a year ago, but it doesn't apply to California.

[430] So I go through all this work, get it done in Michigan, they come out to California, doesn't mean anything.

[431] You gotta refile one in California.

[432] She flies to Texas to see you, doesn't matter.

[433] Now you have to file one in Texas.

[434] Really?

[435] So I couldn't imagine.

[436] Let's not put this information on.

[437] Hey, you know Brittany Murphy, the actress who just died?

[438] Her mom and her husband has been doing a tour to all the talk shows.

[439] And I got to catch it today on the Today Show.

[440] Yeah.

[441] It's how fucked up your daughter just died and they're fucking, they're just sitting there, like, for no reason, not promoting anything.

[442] And we're trying to, like, do anything.

[443] But just, like, I've seen them on, like, four different talk shows in the last, like, week.

[444] It's weird.

[445] But they do it for money and they do it just to, like, the people's attention or whatever or say something about their daughter.

[446] And the worst is, like, and coming up, we have Brittany Murphy's mom and Brittany Murphy's mom just sitting there and she knows the camera's on and she goes, oh.

[447] And it was...

[448] She's not crying randomly.

[449] No, no, no. You find it on YouTube or Hulu or whatever and it is disturbing to watch.

[450] It was so gross and the husband was so...

[451] What was the accusation?

[452] You still don't know.

[453] Isn't there a current gossip about it?

[454] The worst thing was drugs but then he said...

[455] I think she said drugs.

[456] Diabetes or something like that was also involved.

[457] I don't think it was a weird...

[458] situational at all.

[459] Really?

[460] It just came up, she's showering and then...

[461] She's talking about heroin and all that jazz and so bullshit.

[462] They still don't know yet.

[463] But that's kind of weird that they still don't know.

[464] Well, isn't it kind of weird...

[465] But isn't it kind of weird that the husband did want an autopsy?

[466] Yes.

[467] You think...

[468] I think that's very fucking weird.

[469] Man, if a 30 -year -old person dies, you want to know what the fuck happened?

[470] They're not Jewish, are they?

[471] He doesn't look Jewish.

[472] Why?

[473] It's against religion.

[474] It's against the religion.

[475] Yeah, but you also eat bacon.

[476] What happens if you murder a Jew, though?

[477] That's fucking crazy.

[478] That makes it easy to murder you guys.

[479] No, no, no, no. You're misunderstanding.

[480] You accidentally haven't thought this out.

[481] We're not going to get an autopsy on our bodies.

[482] We can get them on your bodies.

[483] Yeah, but you, you're dead.

[484] But if I just point you out, you're dead.

[485] The cops can't give you an autopsy.

[486] Because we just poisoned that, but now they're not going to know.

[487] What's all those...

[488] What's the marks around his neck?

[489] Suicide.

[490] He very naked choked himself to death.

[491] Yeah, it was...

[492] Shucked him last to the back of the head.

[493] That's the story.

[494] I'm sticking to it.

[495] Yeah, no autopsies.

[496] I think there are certain situations where they say if they're afraid it might be like a...

[497] Congenitive?

[498] Is that a word?

[499] Heart disease?

[500] Yeah.

[501] Where, like, the kids should know if they should get treated for it?

[502] Congenital, I think.

[503] Congenital.

[504] Then they'll allow it.

[505] Congenital or congenitive?

[506] I don't know.

[507] But they still allow it.

[508] They'll allow it for that, but not just randomly to figure out what the cause of death is.

[509] They're like, he's dead.

[510] Yeah, but any time a young actress dies and there's medication around and there's a lot of money involved, they will automatically do it.

[511] No matter what.

[512] Whenever somebody says, don't.

[513] Yeah, or I want to answer your questions.

[514] They'll be like, eh, don't waste the money.

[515] People are like, come on, this is depressing.

[516] Change the topic.

[517] Hey, do you guys like cats?

[518] What do you think about Oprah?

[519] She's so generous.

[520] Yeah.

[521] No, paparazzi don't give a shit about me. Somebody asked me if the paparazzi chased me. They would make zero dollars off my pictures.

[522] There's no benefit in taking pictures of me. You have to stay just under that level of fame.

[523] You have to stay in the level of fame where nobody gives a fuck.

[524] So you can still work, and you don't have to worry about your bills, and you can go out to dinner, but you don't want to, don't get crazy.

[525] The best, I was with Renazisi at the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Tour premiere, and then there's a party across the street at some hip club, whatever, in Hollywood.

[526] So we leave and all the popular out there waiting for Vince Vaughn and Justin Long and stuff.

[527] And Renzi's like, beat it, you degenerates.

[528] You're a fucking piece of shit.

[529] You know, he's like giving it to them.

[530] And they were like, hey, the guy from Punks.

[531] And he goes, oh, hey.

[532] Yeah, that's me, everybody.

[533] How are you?

[534] Oh, no. He's cracked.

[535] That's funny.

[536] That's hilarious.

[537] Yeah, you know, you can't go to places like...

[538] You know who's the best at staying out of that shit?

[539] In controversial life, if you consider him, Mark Wahlberg.

[540] That guy's never in the tabloids.

[541] He's a giant movie star.

[542] He stars in gigantic blockbuster movies, and yet he's never in the tabloids.

[543] That's amazing.

[544] You know who else?

[545] And he never even does interviews.

[546] Nicholson.

[547] Yeah.

[548] He's just away from everything.

[549] Well, they would always catch him doing something creepy.

[550] Want a shirt off at some beach or something.

[551] Looking like he's bloated and fucking weird.

[552] He's still in the 70s rocking it with 20 -year -old chicks.

[553] That's awesome.

[554] It's really crazy.

[555] Nicholson, they did some interview with him real recently where he was talking about the different dates he goes on.

[556] One night he'll go out with a woman that's in her 60s.

[557] The next night it's a girl who's in her 20s.

[558] Yeah.

[559] You know?

[560] I mean, just, you know, he was talking about it sexually.

[561] He was talking about friends, you know, like his acquaintances, that he has a very varied life.

[562] But, you know, you've got to appreciate that.

[563] Yeah.

[564] Dude's getting 20 -year -olds and he's fucking 70.

[565] That's how badass he is.

[566] That's pretty crazy, right?

[567] He's defying nature with his fame.

[568] With his ability to pretend.

[569] It overcomes the natural order of things.

[570] His ability to pretend and his money have defined each other.

[571] He should be done.

[572] In a natural world, he's done with sex.

[573] That's not...

[574] Maybe he finds a companion his age.

[575] Especially if there was no Viagra.

[576] If there was no Viagra, that would take a lot of dudes out of the game.

[577] It would take a lot of dudes out of the game.

[578] A lot of old rich dudes would be like, what's the fucking point?

[579] You know, but right now they can, you know, Brian Holtzman had to joke about that.

[580] He goes, no, I like that because now these young whores have to fuck these old men.

[581] And he goes, and that is, that sperm is like paint that's been in their basement for like a year.

[582] You know, that paint where you, it's not a fresh product, ladies and gentlemen.

[583] He's hilarious.

[584] It's not quite the color you picked out in your body.

[585] Yeah, that's it, yeah, that's it.

[586] He's one of those dudes, there's a few dudes that over the course of doing stand -up comedy that I've always gone, how the fuck would that guy not make it?

[587] He's one of them, right?

[588] Yeah.

[589] He's so good.

[590] So funny.

[591] Brian Holtzman, if you're ever at the Comedy Store in L .A., that's where Brian, where he works out.

[592] If you call the Comedy Store.

[593] Call the Comedy Store and ask when Brian Holton's going to be up.

[594] Especially if something goes down in the news.

[595] Like, I guarantee you he's got some fucked up five minutes on Haiti right now.

[596] You know, if you don't want to laugh at, you're like, oh no. But you'll laugh at it anyway.

[597] I had always heard about he did this thing on OJ.

[598] It was like, amazing.

[599] He only did it one time.

[600] He tried to do it again and it wasn't quite as good.

[601] Just an awesome set about that.

[602] And then 9 -11 happened and Mitzi wouldn't put him on.

[603] Because we were closed.

[604] I guess it happened Tuesday.

[605] We were closed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

[606] And then we opened up Friday, Saturday.

[607] And she knew that he would get up and talk about it.

[608] So she made the talent coordinator call him and say, listen, we can't put you on.

[609] I'm sorry, but it's just...

[610] He's one of those guys that would take the opinion most fucked up by default.

[611] He would automatically, like, go after the victims and, you know.

[612] What did you do wrong?

[613] Why were you in that building?

[614] Yeah.

[615] What were you doing?

[616] Who were you fucking in the ass in that building?

[617] It's just like, his take on it would be so fucked up.

[618] He went on Sunday, though, because it was open night, and he did about 50 to 55 minutes, and it was...

[619] maybe one of the best sets I've ever seen.

[620] Stan Hope was there watching and Stan Hope said, I disagree with 95 % of this, but it's so fucking goddamn good.

[621] Because he's so crazy.

[622] His stance was, fuck the cops.

[623] He goes, well, they're not heroes now.

[624] Why?

[625] Because they did their job one time.

[626] He goes, if I was one of the people jumping out of the building, I'd wait until a fucking cop was below me so I could take him out too.

[627] This was on 9 -15, you know, when everyone's like, what did the crowds do when you see this guy?

[628] I don't remember.

[629] Oh, I can read that.

[630] You remember when that chick drowned her kids?

[631] Yeah?

[632] Yeah.

[633] Holtzman goes on stage like three days after this John's kids.

[634] He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard those were bad kids.

[635] I heard they never put their blocks away.

[636] They sat that close to the TV.

[637] They're always spilling their fucking milk.

[638] Those kids will not be missed.

[639] And I went, oh my God.

[640] People all are like too sad.

[641] I heard they were bad kids.

[642] That's one of the most brutal and funny jokes.

[643] It's weird how people's brains in comedy is geared to like, because in my brain, just, you know, it's weird how you fall into whatever style of comedy.

[644] Like, I would never even think about it.

[645] To go that way.

[646] Right, right, right.

[647] Well, his whole thinking on things.

[648] But meanwhile, he's really friendly.

[649] Like, if you talk to him, like, offstage, like, he's not a dark guy at all.

[650] He's very nice.

[651] He used to always go get me a Coke when I was working the cover booth.

[652] Like, I did.

[653] He was on Coca -Cola Classic from the back.

[654] And I was like, thanks, man. And he would go back, get it, bring it back.

[655] I miss that dude.

[656] He's in the factory sometimes, too.

[657] Is he?

[658] Yeah.

[659] I gotta see him sometime.

[660] I gotta find out when he's playing and go perform again.

[661] He was always so cool.

[662] So nice.

[663] He's at the factory sometimes.

[664] He was always such a nice guy.

[665] There was one time when I got banned where Pauly banned me for like a weekend.

[666] And Holtzman was so nice about it.

[667] What did he say about it?

[668] Pauly banned me for a weekend because I got mad at him.

[669] Because you got mad at him?

[670] Yeah.

[671] Him and Dean tried to corner me about something.

[672] And I told him he was a fucking idiot and that, you know, he doesn't appreciate the comedians, that I'm not working for him.

[673] It's when, right after the Minding the Store came out, it was, it was like he all of a sudden was running the Comedy Store.

[674] It was all of a sudden, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't like just a TV show anymore.

[675] Now, because the Comedy Store we've always done for free.

[676] You know, I always, not only did I work there for free, but I donated all the, when they were giving me checks, they gave me like thousands of dollars worth of checks and I never cashed them.

[677] Because I always knew they were hurting for cash.

[678] So when it came time to do their taxes, I had to donate all that money back to them.

[679] And I paid for the sound system.

[680] I mean, I treated that place like it was our place.

[681] You know, it was a place for comics to work out.

[682] The mics were cutting out and the sound was like Crackley and Rogan.

[683] He was like, fuck it.

[684] We gotta fix this.

[685] I got top of the line shit.

[686] I went and got the top of the line CD recorder so dudes could make CDs.

[687] And I put it all in there out of my own money.

[688] Just for love of the club.

[689] And then all of a sudden, Paulie's running it.

[690] I'm like, man, I ain't working for free for you.

[691] I'll do it all for your mom, but for you?

[692] No. Huge battle now about who gets the store.

[693] I think he won.

[694] I think Paulie won.

[695] I think his brother gave up.

[696] That's what I heard.

[697] Out of all the years I've lived here, I think I've been in there one time.

[698] Really?

[699] That's so great.

[700] I've been in that bar area just hanging.

[701] I went with some comic, but I don't think I've ever been on stage there.

[702] Kyle Cesar walked by yesterday, and he was like, I think I've been here four times in two years.

[703] It's so crazy not to go there.

[704] My whole career has never really been performing in Los Angeles.

[705] That's what he was like.

[706] Yeah, but you've done sets of improv.

[707] I've seen you at the improv.

[708] Yeah, the improv, and then I think I'm banned from the Laugh Factory.

[709] What'd you do?

[710] We were talking about guns, and the dude owns it.

[711] It's a real pacifist.

[712] Jamie banned you for talking about guns?

[713] Yeah, I was on for the next week, and then I got called and said no. You got called?

[714] They didn't just knock me to the spot?

[715] No, I called whoever, like, so tomorrow we're so good?

[716] Yeah, no, I got asked.

[717] Because you talk about guns.

[718] Not on stage.

[719] It was off -stage conversation.

[720] Oh, so he decided.

[721] Wait, you have guns?

[722] That means you want to kill people.

[723] I'm like, no, I enjoy...

[724] Bobby, you have guns?

[725] Yeah, I enjoy shooting them, but if they came in my house, then I'd kill them.

[726] Listen, Jamie, quit worrying about what comics have in their house and worry more about introducing little kids to Michael Jackson.

[727] Oh.

[728] Constantly.

[729] It's like that's a way bigger problem than having a locked gun in his house.

[730] He's not joking around.

[731] He's not joking around.

[732] Jamie was introducing these children that are on the Make -A -Wish Foundation.

[733] Right?

[734] Was it Make -A -Wish or something like that?

[735] Yeah, something like that.

[736] Kids are sick.

[737] He was introducing them to Michael Jackson.

[738] You say introducing.

[739] I say pimping.

[740] What's the difference?

[741] Buddy.

[742] Buddy.

[743] He's not pimping.

[744] He's a genius, buddy.

[745] He does not want to fuck the ass.

[746] I don't think that Michael Jackson fucked those kids.

[747] Because I think, where are all the bodies?

[748] There would be not just one kid he fucked.

[749] He'd be fucking hundreds of kids.

[750] 8 to 10.

[751] I don't think you did.

[752] I think it's much more likely that we talked about this before, right?

[753] Yeah.

[754] I think it's much more likely that he's just completely fucked up and was molested when he was a kid and abused and he grew up in the public eye and he grew up as a baby and being famous.

[755] He wanted to go back to...

[756] Huge drug user.

[757] I believe in the power of the huge rumors.

[758] And I think those are usually true.

[759] What about the terrible in the ass?

[760] Do you believe that one?

[761] I'm going to just because of that theory.

[762] What about him?

[763] Everybody points to someone who says they're gay.

[764] Kiss killed Mikey from Life's Hero because he saw him without his makeup.

[765] Not little rumors that people are like, what if?

[766] If Tiger got his name because of his ass.

[767] That's some retard that lives down the block from you made that one up.

[768] That rumor didn't even leave your fucking name.

[769] But the Richard Gere Gerber rumor, that rumor traveled the whole country.

[770] That's a crazy rumor.

[771] Kurt Metzger told me he asked...

[772] whatever kind of doctor that is.

[773] He goes, there's never been any...

[774] recorded documentation of any animal up someone's butt.

[775] You can go to the internet and see eels coming out of girls' assholes.

[776] How do you even say that?

[777] That guy's an idiot.

[778] That guy's either an idiot or he's still on AOL.

[779] He's a prodigy.

[780] He's going through net nanny.

[781] You're missing the good sites, son.

[782] You ain't never seen the eels come out of that girl's butt hole?

[783] That was really weird.

[784] kept coming out.

[785] I kept thinking it was the same one.

[786] Octopuses up their assholes.

[787] Yeah, man. There's some shit going into people's bodies.

[788] If you can think of it...

[789] Did you see the video of the dude who has been shooting silicone into his dick for six years?

[790] Did you see that?

[791] No, but how delicious does his dick look?

[792] Some dude on Twitter, I don't remember your name, I apologize, but some dude on Twitter said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit.

[793] And it does!

[794] You gotta see it.

[795] I'll throw the link up for you guys, and we're gonna watch it right now, but I'll throw the link up so that you guys can see it too.

[796] 2 .0, it's a show on E where they talk about internet videos.

[797] They played it and they couldn't show their video.

[798] So they just showed the audience's reaction.

[799] So they're all just sitting there and suddenly all of them just bawl faces.

[800] That's funny.

[801] Okay, I can't find it.

[802] It must have been from a couple days ago.

[803] I tweet too much.

[804] We're on two hours right now.

[805] Joe just emailed.

[806] So what, man?

[807] We're having a party here.

[808] We're not really on two hours.

[809] We didn't start on time.

[810] It's only 4 o 'clock right now, Brian.

[811] You fucking faker.

[812] You're saying it like you counted the time.

[813] We're on two hours, 15 minutes.

[814] No, I just looked at four or five.

[815] I was like, eh, it's about two hours.

[816] You took a wild shot.

[817] Sorry, I wasn't completely accurate with the minutes.

[818] Shut up!

[819] Okay, I'm trying to find this dead rabbit.

[820] How's Tonka, Brian?

[821] I renamed him.

[822] It's Techie now.

[823] Techie?

[824] You renamed him?

[825] I was talking one day, and then I...

[826] Who's this?

[827] Yeah, I agree with Ari.

[828] Names lean things.

[829] In mysticism, they always say I don't believe in it, but that's what they always say.

[830] You don't fuck with someone's name.

[831] It was one day, he was named Tonka.

[832] Yeah, you don't want to change the name of your cat.

[833] The cat has already destroyed a keyboard, a Logitech keyboard.

[834] He hates anything technology.

[835] He went up to my keyboard.

[836] I started using my keyboard.

[837] He like ran it.

[838] What's that noise?

[839] He jumps up and just starts taking his claws and ripping keys off.

[840] I'm like, ah!

[841] If I use my camera, if I turn on the camera, he sees the camera from across the room, charges me, and tries to grab the camera.

[842] I have videos of him.

[843] Are you considering giving it back to the adoption agency?

[844] He's a kitten.

[845] That's what they do.

[846] Well, to reincarnation, maybe that person was just like...

[847] It's killed by technology.

[848] Yeah, technology killed him, so he's like, this is a plot of Ghost Dad 2.

[849] Maybe this cat is made out of technology.

[850] Nice normal guy haircut today, Brian, by the way.

[851] What?

[852] This is the most normal dude I've ever seen your hair.

[853] Out of the show.

[854] All right, here's the...

[855] I just put it up online.

[856] I just put it up online so you guys...

[857] I Twittered it.

[858] The address of the dude who is injecting silicone into his dick for six years.

[859] And we're going to watch it right now because it is that fucked up.

[860] It is something that you need.

[861] I just clicked on it right now so it's loading up right now.

[862] Check this shit out.

[863] What's that music?

[864] What's the music?

[865] What's the music?

[866] What's the music?

[867] It's iTunes.

[868] Damn, that's some gay -ass music.

[869] It's your website.

[870] We're at the back of the website.

[871] We're getting feedback on the noise, too.

[872] What the fuck could that be?

[873] YouTube, right there.

[874] Facebook?

[875] It's the worst when you have 27 like tabs open up and you're like, that's so fucking annoying.

[876] What is that?

[877] You have to find it.

[878] Oh, oh, one of these things.

[879] That's the guy's balls.

[880] That's so fucking annoying.

[881] What is that?

[882] Okay, let's see it here.

[883] Here we go.

[884] Wait, turn off.

[885] That's the underwear I'm wearing.

[886] Got a little intention.

[887] So that's all that.

[888] Seriously, why would you want...

[889] Look at this.

[890] Would you like to hold it?

[891] Why would you want to back it up?

[892] Hold on.

[893] Oh, my God.

[894] No. Would you like to name it, though?

[895] It's cocky about it.

[896] Oh, it's real cocky.

[897] It's funny.

[898] Look at this.

[899] I can't watch.

[900] Look at that.

[901] Oh, my God.

[902] He's been injecting silicone into his dick for six years.

[903] Can it get hard?

[904] No. Is that all head on top?

[905] Yep.

[906] Is that all head?

[907] Look at it.

[908] So that's all that is.

[909] Look at him.

[910] That's a weird laugh.

[911] Yeah, yeah.

[912] How weird could it be?

[913] He's injecting silicone into his fucking dick for six years.

[914] I mean, look at that.

[915] That's insane.

[916] I can't watch.

[917] We can have a conversation.

[918] You hear what this is saying?

[919] Six years, he's unable to have sex.

[920] Sometimes I see a really young guy and I think, I'd like to fuck his ass.

[921] Oh, it's good.

[922] Oh, he's great.

[923] The pleasure, the adventure, the experience that I've gotten from this is way, way, way better than the, whatever, 15 minutes of pleasure that I would get.

[924] What has he got in experience?

[925] Just people seeing his balls in his dick.

[926] I could no longer stand up to pee because it would just kind of go everywhere.

[927] It was difficult to control.

[928] And so I started to learn, okay, I'll have to sit down.

[929] But you know what?

[930] I'll tell you about some other adjustments in a second.

[931] All of these adjustments, though, they just add to the excitement for me because it's just another reminder, and it's part of the odyssey of all of this.

[932] So I was sitting down to pee for a long time.

[933] Well, then the size got to be that when I would sit down, I'd get wet.

[934] It would get dunked into the water in a lot of toilets, including my own here.

[935] And so I would have to sort of squat over the ball, you know.

[936] I think that just the fact that people look at me and either wonder what's going on, what is that?

[937] You know, the basic questions that people ask, can you still have an orgasm, things like that.

[938] I'm getting people to think, and I'm challenging their ideas of what a penis should look like.

[939] Yeah, that's what he said.

[940] Function.

[941] And so...

[942] But yours is the only penis that does that.

[943] I am challenging.

[944] He's giving him a challenge already.

[945] You're challenging your brain, man. So you're not thinking...

[946] You threw down the gauntlet, bitch.

[947] This is the crazy thing.

[948] When he pulls it out.

[949] No. Would you like to name it, though?

[950] I mean, this guy's so happy to be pulling out his dick.

[951] Look at this.

[952] Touch it.

[953] Look at that.

[954] It's not even pornographic.

[955] Doesn't even really look like a penis in any way.

[956] It really looks like a basketball.

[957] The underwear I'm wearing.

[958] He's challenging your perceptions, Ari.

[959] What the fuck, huh?

[960] Let's go fuck a horse.

[961] I'm getting tired.

[962] How nutty is that dude?

[963] There's other ways you can challenge people to think.

[964] Yeah, maybe, you know.

[965] What is that?

[966] When dudes, like, tattoo their dicks and put barbells through them.

[967] What's going on there?

[968] They just...

[969] I think presentation.

[970] Presentation.

[971] Presentation!

[972] A silver platter with a cock with a spur through it.

[973] But it still works, and there's plenty of girls that are into that.

[974] Is there?

[975] Ladies, let's take a little Twitter poll.

[976] How many girls are really into dudes with tattoos and barbells on their dicks?

[977] Same shit with girls who put that barbell in their vaginas.

[978] Do you like that?

[979] And if you say yes, how smelly is your pussy?

[980] That makes me sad.

[981] The barbell in the pussy makes me sad.

[982] I don't really like it, but I'm not bad against it.

[983] Is there a single girl that ever has gotten a barbell in the pussy that's not a slut?

[984] Nothing's anything wrong with sluts.

[985] I don't say slut in any negative way.

[986] I mean a girl that's down to party.

[987] I'll say that instead.

[988] I mean, there's no prudes that get their clits pierced.

[989] No. You get your clit pierced.

[990] You're sending a fucking very clear message.

[991] Yeah.

[992] Because you can't ever say, I don't really do this, and the guy would go, well, you're...

[993] You have a license plate.

[994] Yeah, you clearly do.

[995] You have a license plate?

[996] Yeah, you have a...

[997] That right there says you're in there.

[998] You do.

[999] You feel like your vagina will be so public that you will adorn it.

[1000] Yeah, that you need to dress it up a little bit.

[1001] Apparently someone's saying that's from a documentary on dicks.

[1002] This guy with the fucked up dick.

[1003] From a documentary.

[1004] That'd be a good one to watch, take Viagra, and try to not get an erection the entire time you watch that documentary.

[1005] Every time it moves, they're like, no, no, and just punch itself.

[1006] Yeah, that would be funny if you gave guys...

[1007] Yeah, there's something there.

[1008] If you gave guys a really high dose of Viagra, and then you made them watch gay porn, and you had girls touching them.

[1009] You had girls...

[1010] Girls touching them.

[1011] There weren't a lot of socket.

[1012] No, no. Dude's massaging your back.

[1013] Oh!

[1014] That'd be way better.

[1015] Guys massaging your back.

[1016] They give you Viagra and ecstasy.

[1017] Let me see if you get art. Yeah, you can't.

[1018] The first guy there.

[1019] You would definitely get art. I mean, no question.

[1020] Oh, so sad.

[1021] Challenge match.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] Yeah, that would be a funny...

[1024] Or just find somebody who's really...

[1025] There's no way them gays are going to get married.

[1026] I don't want that, you know, those that's not right.

[1027] Okay.

[1028] Yeah, just take one and have some guy just blowing in your ear and see what happens.

[1029] Just have some really soft boy who smells pretty rubbing your back.

[1030] Slow and passionate.

[1031] What's going on over here?

[1032] He's got oils and a feminine voice.

[1033] Is that it?

[1034] Just enough so he's submissive and feminine enough so the dude's dick just starts getting hard.

[1035] I'm a pretty boy.

[1036] That's hilarious.

[1037] Just whispering.

[1038] You know, truck drivers have sore backs.

[1039] Right there, you got it.

[1040] Is that it right there?

[1041] Okay.

[1042] We'll fix you up.

[1043] We'll fix you up.

[1044] No worries.

[1045] I heard Bobby Kelly talking about this on Tuesday.

[1046] About, like, why that was even an insult.

[1047] Why faggots even that bad.

[1048] You're like, they've never done anything to me. Why is that, like, you're like, no, I'm not.

[1049] I'll fight you to prove that I'm not a gay.

[1050] It was like, what?

[1051] What is the difference?

[1052] But, like, yeah, if you get a little thing when some guy's touching you, it's like, whatever.

[1053] Who cares?

[1054] I don't like when dudes touch me because if dudes are thinking about fucking me, I know how I am when I think about fucking girls.

[1055] And I don't want anybody thinking about me like that.

[1056] You know, if you want to fuck somebody, you're into them.

[1057] You're going after them.

[1058] A dude doing that to you doesn't want to listen to the fact that you're straight.

[1059] You're like, hey, I don't like that.

[1060] And then he keeps going after you.

[1061] That's like disturbing.

[1062] Yeah, yeah.

[1063] I mean, the worst time you've ever tried to go after a chick.

[1064] The most clumsy in your history.

[1065] Could you imagine someone doing that to you?

[1066] A guy doing that to you?

[1067] Like you're drunk and stupid.

[1068] Imagine that dude doing that to you.

[1069] You'd feel so uncomfortable and gross and negative.

[1070] Get me away.

[1071] I don't want to get raped.

[1072] My gay friend in college used to always do that.

[1073] They would creep up dudes?

[1074] He would get aggressively homosexual.

[1075] When guys get drunk, they get crazy.

[1076] If I was kissing another one of our friends, he's like, what about me?

[1077] I want to kiss.

[1078] Like, all right, Andrew, calm down.

[1079] There was a comic that did that.

[1080] What was that guy's name?

[1081] Jason something or another?

[1082] He was really flamboyant.

[1083] Yeah, really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive.

[1084] He was a cunt.

[1085] And we were all in Montreal.

[1086] There was like four or five of us.

[1087] I don't remember who was talking to.

[1088] I think Bobby Slayton, I think, was one of them.

[1089] But he came over, and it was like the end of the night.

[1090] And he was like, you know, I'm sucking someone's dick.

[1091] Is it going to be yours?

[1092] I'm like, hey, man, get the fuck out of here.

[1093] You should find a gay dude for this.

[1094] Yeah.

[1095] Well, you're really working hard.

[1096] I mean, think about how hard it is for a straight guy to get laid.

[1097] And then think about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid.

[1098] Like, their numbers are low.

[1099] Yeah, but such a higher percentage when you find their numbers.

[1100] Yeah, if you go to Boys Town or something, you go to Santa Monica Boulevard, yeah, you're going to get a lot there.

[1101] But if you're in Thousand Oaks looking for gay sex, that's tough action.

[1102] You've got to find them.

[1103] You've got to go to church.

[1104] Yeah, fight him and just stall him.

[1105] You've got to do something.

[1106] You've got to figure out...

[1107] I saw this thing in the army in the 40s and 50s and 60s where people who grew up in small towns had never seen...

[1108] They just thought they were weird for these feelings but they didn't know.

[1109] The ones who grew up in New York and L .A., obviously they knew about gays.

[1110] And then they go to the army and all of a sudden they find other gays and they find each other and it's like, oh.

[1111] Well, in the army, apparently that's a real problem, especially in the Navy when dudes are on boats.

[1112] There was a dude that we knew that was going away to the Navy.

[1113] His little brother was going away to the Navy.

[1114] We're all sitting around eating with him.

[1115] And just as a joke, I said, man, you need to learn some jujitsu so you can fight off the rape on the boat.

[1116] And he goes, yeah, man, fuck that, man. That shit happens.

[1117] I go, what do you mean it happens?

[1118] I go, dudes really rape dudes on the boats?

[1119] He goes, well, you know, it's not that big a deal.

[1120] I go, what's not that big a deal?

[1121] He goes, well, I've been in for a year.

[1122] I only know four dudes.

[1123] I know what?

[1124] You know four dudes who've been raped by men, and you've only been in the Navy for a fucking year?

[1125] Can you imagine if you knew four comics that got raped?

[1126] You'd be like, fuck comedy, man!

[1127] People at the end of the hour are getting raped.

[1128] Well, how often?

[1129] Like four times a year.

[1130] I'll never go there again.

[1131] If somebody started raping UFC commentators, I'm like, nah, I'm gonna watch that shit from my house.

[1132] Good luck on the Australian guy.

[1133] Two guns in my lap.

[1134] Fuck you!

[1135] What are you, crazy?

[1136] Four dudes!

[1137] He was only in the Navy a year!

[1138] And it happened over that year?

[1139] Yes!

[1140] During that year, he knew of four dudes who got raped.

[1141] Wow.

[1142] I mean, how many people was he coming in contact with?

[1143] Even though the Navy's gigantic, that's a big number.

[1144] Even if it's a few thousand.

[1145] Still.

[1146] Fuck.

[1147] Do you ever come close to joining the military or anything?

[1148] Yeah, I had a recruiter show up at the grocery store I worked at.

[1149] It was for the Air Force.

[1150] I thought of it.

[1151] Oh, he went to my high school.

[1152] And then I remember him.

[1153] How old was I?

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] Like 17, 18.

[1156] And then when I wrestled in high school, then he, this recruit, I don't forget, saw our heavyweight and goes, yes, I'm looking for John Heffern.

[1157] And then this guy started laughing.

[1158] He's like.

[1159] He's too small because when I was in high school, I was maybe 5 '6", I wrestled 105 pounds.

[1160] So I didn't grow until after three years.

[1161] 105?

[1162] It was 105.

[1163] Jesus.

[1164] And then 119.

[1165] That's not even a real weight.

[1166] Is when I wrestled.

[1167] I know, right?

[1168] If I find a woman with 105 pounds, I'm like, yeah, you're pretty small.

[1169] Yeah, yeah.

[1170] Did you try to say you would fuck John if he was 100 pounds?

[1171] I would have to see a picture.

[1172] When were you thinking about joining the military?

[1173] Same time, 17, 18.

[1174] It was kind of interesting.

[1175] Instead of college, I was like, fuck it, let's just go to college.

[1176] Yeah, I was going to go for college.

[1177] I was thinking National Guard.

[1178] I was like, you can get paid.

[1179] You only have to put up some clones during a flood or something.

[1180] I really want to be in the workforce.

[1181] Do you remember, that's the Bush administration changed all that bullshit.

[1182] The National Guard used to be a safe way to not go to war.

[1183] To war.

[1184] And you were helping people.

[1185] You were still getting money.

[1186] It was active duty.

[1187] And they split families up.

[1188] And it's rough.

[1189] Well, even if you look at Rambo.

[1190] Remember, it was all National Guard guys went after Rambo.

[1191] Rambo, and the whole movie was making fun of these National Guard guys.

[1192] They don't know how to do anything.

[1193] Hey, I gotta get back to the store.

[1194] And now, the National Guard guys are as badass as anyone else.

[1195] There's a dude I do jujitsu with, and he was in the Army Reserve for 20 years.

[1196] And 20 days left in his 20 -year tour.

[1197] 20 years!

[1198] 20 days left, they sent him to Iraq for a year and a half.

[1199] So if they start before your time is over, you have to do the fall.

[1200] They can just lock you in.

[1201] It doesn't matter.

[1202] And they can bring you back.

[1203] They can bring you back anytime they want.

[1204] They recall you.

[1205] They're hurting so bad nowadays that I'm surprised they're not just like, oh, you're an Eagle Scout?

[1206] You gotta go to fucking Iraq.

[1207] There's no doubt about it.

[1208] There's a lot of dudes who go over there because they think they're doing the right thing.

[1209] There's a lot of dudes like Pat Tillman, dudes who join the army and join the Navy.

[1210] They think they're doing it to protect this great country.

[1211] Especially then in like...

[1212] 2001, 2002.

[1213] But once they get in, then they realize you're getting fucked.

[1214] And that's what happened with Pat Tillman.

[1215] I mean, he was a huge critic, as was his brother, of how fucked up things are over in Iraq and Afghanistan.

[1216] And, you know, obviously they wound up killing them.

[1217] They killed a friendly fire.

[1218] I remember a year ago, I did a show and I got back to the hotel room and I googled oldest age to join an army.

[1219] Really?

[1220] You could be old as fuck, right?

[1221] Nah, they bumped it up to 42, 40, like 43.

[1222] But that's like 20 years longer than...

[1223] Now would you be enlisted there?

[1224] No, you do it.

[1225] You go straight to officer corps or what would you do?

[1226] I heard a couple things.

[1227] One, they would like say I joined at, you know, 40.

[1228] They give me a job and take a 19 -year -old out of that job and throw that 19 -year -old on the line.

[1229] So like the older guys is like...

[1230] But I know one of my wife's friends, she's an Airborne Ranger.

[1231] She said she has privates in her thing that are like 37, 38 years old.

[1232] Privates, you know, just guys that are infantry.

[1233] There's a lot of dudes, man, that have no fucking money, and they don't have anything in their town, and there's no options.

[1234] It's also like something to do.

[1235] What's the difference?

[1236] You're taking care of it for the rest of your life.

[1237] You're going to go to war.

[1238] Ari's like, well, yeah, now.

[1239] Now would be a major problem.

[1240] I'm talking about a general.

[1241] It's like, I don't know.

[1242] Well, we've been at war for eight years, dude.

[1243] We're all in a mess.

[1244] It's 2000.

[1245] Yeah, yeah.

[1246] Yeah, we've been at war for eight years, man. Joining the military for the last decade has been no joke.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] You know?

[1249] It's just, what the fuck, man?

[1250] When I was a kid, Vietnam ended when I was a little boy.

[1251] And I remember thinking very clearly that, oh, this is a good thing because now there's not going to be any more war.

[1252] Like, obviously, everybody hates war.

[1253] You're never going to go to war again.

[1254] And then when I was, like, 21 was the first Gulf War, me and my buddy Jimmy Dottilio, we were sitting, we had an apartment together.

[1255] Waltham, Massachusetts.

[1256] I'm so ethnic.

[1257] It was ethnic.

[1258] Two guineas hanging out in Waltham.

[1259] And we're sitting in front of the TV and the first strike happened.

[1260] And they showed the missiles coming in and the bombs going off.

[1261] And I was like, holy shit.

[1262] And me and Jimmy watched it like we were watching a football game.

[1263] You were like, dude, we're at war.

[1264] Holy shit.

[1265] I remember being in college then, and the two guys I lived with were all reservists, and then they got called up.

[1266] So they were probably 20, 21 years old, 22, got called up and went down to, they were going to start to help train.

[1267] At the time, everybody was like, there's going to be a draft.

[1268] There's going to be a draft.

[1269] So we all thought, because we were at that age.

[1270] We were 20, 21.

[1271] We're like, holy crap, we're going.

[1272] Oh, yeah.

[1273] There was a serious talk of that.

[1274] Yeah, yeah.

[1275] So scary, man. I remember when the first Gulf War happened, we were practicing in basketball, and it was the opening night of some play, some high school play, and somebody came in and was like, the play bombed, the play, the planes bombed.

[1276] I just saw things like the play bombed.

[1277] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1278] And I was like, why are you breaking up our practice with it?

[1279] So, yes, I'm a little happy about it.

[1280] Yeah, the whole thing is so surreal.

[1281] I got woken up.

[1282] I don't remember who woke me up.

[1283] Somebody woke me up and called me and told me that America's under attack.

[1284] Yeah, that's what they said.

[1285] America's under attack.

[1286] And I was like, what?

[1287] Turn on the news.

[1288] America's under attack.

[1289] And we just are so removed from all the shit that goes on in the rest of the world.

[1290] We are so removed from what war really is.

[1291] Unless you talk to someone who's actually been over there and come back, and they have a very different opinion of it.

[1292] But we're so fucking removed from it over here.

[1293] When I saw that shit on TV, I was like, what?

[1294] Really?

[1295] Like, this isn't a movie?

[1296] I was like, your heart starts beating faster.

[1297] It's like, all of a sudden, this team you're on is under attack.

[1298] I mean, it's not you, but it's like we're all in this team together.

[1299] I mean, you don't think about that through your day -to -day life.

[1300] You can say you're happy to be an American, shit, and you believe in democracy, and I'm a Republican, but you don't really realize you're on some team until the team's attacked.

[1301] And then you're like, so dudes that did nothing, dudes who didn't know these dudes, came over and killed them just because they were living on this part?

[1302] Yeah.

[1303] They were living in this patch of dirt, so people were killing them.

[1304] I thought that was only movie shit.

[1305] My brother's over there now.

[1306] Is he?

[1307] Afghanistan.

[1308] He just got called up again.

[1309] Oh, my God.

[1310] Yeah.

[1311] That's what happens.

[1312] When you go through a tour, if you sign up for the military, Dick Cheney instituted some new situation where they can just kind of keep bringing you back.

[1313] Well, he's still in active reserve, so he knew he was eventually getting called up again.

[1314] But when they were in a situation where people had done their tours and they were bringing them back.

[1315] Yeah.

[1316] Ugh.

[1317] Randall, Masker, how long are you going to ask the same question over and over and over again?

[1318] Is some dude asking a question over and over again?

[1319] I've seen it ten times.

[1320] Joe, Joe, who gets more women?

[1321] Why are you reading it?

[1322] You're just rewarding him.

[1323] No, I just...

[1324] Because he's still doing it.

[1325] So...

[1326] Yeah, when people ignore you sometimes, do you ever make a joke in public and nobody laughs and then you hear somebody make the same joke again because they assume nobody heard them?

[1327] And it's like, dude, look at their response and fucking take that to mean they didn't find it funny.

[1328] It's the worst that someone thinks you weren't listening and then they say it again.

[1329] Yeah, one, that means it's not in the moment.

[1330] I mean, they're trying to make this joke.

[1331] This guy says all the branches other than the army are overloaded, actually.

[1332] I don't believe that now.

[1333] I think he's probably telling the truth.

[1334] I would think that in this economy...

[1335] There's a lot.

[1336] Yeah, a lot of people are.

[1337] It's a lot higher than...

[1338] Look at, what was it?

[1339] How long?

[1340] Two years ago?

[1341] New Orleans.

[1342] We didn't have enough people to send there.

[1343] That wasn't two years ago.

[1344] Wasn't it?

[1345] Wasn't it a lot more than two years ago?

[1346] When was Katrina?

[1347] What year was that?

[1348] Maybe it was longer.

[1349] Because that was when I first heard about Kanye West.

[1350] When he was like, George Bush hates black people.

[1351] I was like, wow.

[1352] That was way longer.

[1353] That was my favorite was Michael Myers' reaction because he's just a Hollywood guy.

[1354] Yes, these people tell us.

[1355] And he's like, oh, I do not want to be associated with this.

[1356] He's just so uncomfortable.

[1357] I know.

[1358] He got so, I mean, that was like one of the blackest, most dangerous things you could say.

[1359] And he was like, what?

[1360] Why am I in this picture?

[1361] George Bush does not like black people.

[1362] Wow.

[1363] George Bush hates black people, right?

[1364] Did he say hates or does not like?

[1365] George Bush hates black people.

[1366] Did he say hates black people?

[1367] Yeah, I think it did.

[1368] He said hates?

[1369] George Bush hates black people.

[1370] Yeah.

[1371] You know, why is that guy still on TV?

[1372] He's, like, fucking spiny.

[1373] But now he's on TV because he's a douchebag and because people are looking for him to do something wrong.

[1374] His, like, his reason for being on TV has evolved.

[1375] It used to be, like, here's this young artist.

[1376] Now it's, like, this guy's such a cock.

[1377] Like, have him close to the camera.

[1378] He'll probably do something stupid and everybody'll hate him and it'll get you a million hits on YouTube.

[1379] You know, like, when he took that microphone away from that girl, he'll be hated forever.

[1380] You don't do that!

[1381] What was even worse was his fake apology on Leno later.

[1382] He was trying to work up tears that he couldn't quite do it.

[1383] He was so weak.

[1384] He was just saying he was going to take a step back and he's not going to work on some show.

[1385] Shut the fuck up!

[1386] My favorite is when he says, please, just let me be great.

[1387] Just let me be great.

[1388] George Bush doesn't care about black people.

[1389] Doesn't care?

[1390] Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

[1391] Thank you, our adder boy.

[1392] Yeah, hate is a very strong word.

[1393] Hate might make Mike Myers flinch and pee a little.

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] Let a little dribble go.

[1396] This could ruin my career.

[1397] What happened to that dude?

[1398] Mike Myers?

[1399] Yeah.

[1400] They're actually making a new Austin Powers movie.

[1401] That last movie was awful.

[1402] That last movie was death.

[1403] Tarantino put him in Glorious Bastards.

[1404] And it was horrible.

[1405] It was weird because he wasn't being funny.

[1406] So then it's like, why would you put clearly someone who's known as a comedic actor?

[1407] I just really hate him now.

[1408] So you hate Michael Myers?

[1409] That last movie just rubbed me the wrong way.

[1410] I was like, dude, you're doing the same movie.

[1411] Yeah, but it's an Indian mask.

[1412] So I married Max's murder wasn't bad.

[1413] Yeah, but that was seven years ago.

[1414] He was just like a little bit like, I never saw that.

[1415] That was a great movie, ten years ago.

[1416] People are asking to take a break.

[1417] Why?

[1418] Because we've been on straight for a while.

[1419] What does that mean?

[1420] They can't leave the fucking screen?

[1421] Smoke breaks when I go to the bathroom when I get up.

[1422] We're done.

[1423] It's 4 .30 and I have to do some sort of an interview with some people in Australia for a gig I'm doing in Australia.

[1424] I'm not trying to drop names.

[1425] I'm doing a deal in Australia.

[1426] Taking it international style like my boy Soulja Boy.

[1427] What happened to that guy?

[1428] This is a knife guy.

[1429] He got as famous as was possible for him.

[1430] Was he in commercials first?

[1431] He was huge.

[1432] Somebody just made a reference.

[1433] Paul Hogan, right?

[1434] Was that a family guy or Simpsons just made a reference about him?

[1435] I want to get hugely famous like that guy from Crocodile Hunter and then not famous at all like that guy from Crocodile Dundee.

[1436] How weird is that?

[1437] That guy was doing movies and shit?

[1438] He took his millions and left.

[1439] Is that what he did?

[1440] I think we got sick of him as a country.

[1441] But he only did two Crocodile Dundees.

[1442] And then the other movies didn't try to be in someone else's film.

[1443] Yeah, we didn't see him in a romantic comedy.

[1444] Yeah, you'd think you would have tried.

[1445] You're the crocodile guy.

[1446] He must have lost some money on his movie and said, fuck him.

[1447] Have you seen the preview for the new MacGruger movie?

[1448] You know that MacGruger, MacGyver?

[1449] They make a whole movie about it?

[1450] They may have a whole movie coming out.

[1451] And usually SNL movies...

[1452] MacGyver or MacGroover?

[1453] MacGroover.

[1454] It's a take on MacGyver on Saturday Night Live.

[1455] And there's a movie out there?

[1456] They're making a movie.

[1457] And they have a new preview that just came out.

[1458] And the funny thing about SNL movies is that they usually always have the best parts in the preview.

[1459] There's not one part in this movie that looks good.

[1460] That is the worst.

[1461] When you go to a preview and you just sit there and go, oh, what the fuck are they doing?

[1462] Why would someone promote this?

[1463] There's nothing worse than bad comedy because at least bad drama is hilarious.

[1464] Bad drama like Showgirls or something like that, those are genuinely funny movies.

[1465] I got some left behinds.

[1466] They're the rapture videos that that fucking Kirk Cameron dude makes.

[1467] Holy shit, are they awesome.

[1468] They're so good.

[1469] They're so beautifully stupid.

[1470] Watching Kirk Cameron get owned on YouTube is one of my favorite pastimes.

[1471] He's so dumb.

[1472] I saw a Kirk Cameron movie in the theater.

[1473] Did you really?

[1474] The one where he's on the debate team?

[1475] I don't remember what it was, but it was like a group date.

[1476] Connolly Lieber and a few other people.

[1477] We got driven there.

[1478] I think Kana had her license, yeah.

[1479] It was a debate movie.

[1480] And I remember the big climax at the end was like, because some teacher taught them in a clear move to the rest of the movie that he sounded like he was being real, but he really wasn't.

[1481] And then later was like, were you serious about that?

[1482] He was like, yeah, I was.

[1483] I guarantee you, Kirk Cameron loves the cock.

[1484] I guarantee you he loves the cock.

[1485] There's no doubt about it.

[1486] There's no way he's that crazy, gung -ho, Jesus, the rapture, no sin, no masturbation, no love, fucking gay as the day is long.

[1487] I don't think so.

[1488] You know what's that thing?

[1489] I think he's fighting it with every fiber of his being, trying to stay in the straight and narrow, and like girls, and meanwhile, he just wants fucking cock.

[1490] I just heard that Herschel Walker was talking about when he was doing his fight.

[1491] And he said that he doesn't masturbate.

[1492] Yeah, but he's crazy.

[1493] Herschel Walker's got, like, split personality disorder.

[1494] I heard it was trauma -related.

[1495] I thought it was trauma -related.

[1496] He said that, like, he didn't remember getting his Heisman trophy.

[1497] Like, he's got all these different...

[1498] Dude, think about how many times that guy must have had concussions.

[1499] I don't know if he's a big concussion guy, though.

[1500] He plays football.

[1501] Everybody gets concussions playing football, right?

[1502] Don't they?

[1503] No, a quarterback who's had the most will be like eight ever.

[1504] But that's quarterbacks who take blindside hits all the time.

[1505] We're standing there when somebody fucking crushed them helmet to helmet, which doesn't happen as much.

[1506] But any time you get hit, even if you're not getting a concussion, you're getting fucking rattled.

[1507] Even if you get up and you get back up, when you get smashed into by some giant dude who's running a full clip, even if you don't go out, and even if you don't have a concussion where your pupils are dilated, you got some brain damage, son.

[1508] You just got jarred.

[1509] That's reality.

[1510] And when you do that shit over and over and over again...

[1511] Football is one of the most dangerous guys.

[1512] I saw Ben Roethlisberger last week.

[1513] No, it wasn't Ben Roethlisberger.

[1514] Was there a big quarterback?

[1515] Whoever it was.

[1516] Oh, Kurt Warner, who threw an interception, went to make a tackle, and then he just got blindsided.

[1517] And you see him on the ground with his trainers over him, and he's talking, but you can clearly see he's not making any sense.

[1518] He's like, no, no, I'm on the...

[1519] And they're like, all right, stay, stay.

[1520] Wow, that's nuts.

[1521] That happens a lot.

[1522] I got one concussion once.

[1523] Really?

[1524] I bought a...

[1525] Danny Bonaduce hit me in the back of the head.

[1526] We were sparring.

[1527] And I kind of went down, but he said it was the slowest knockout ever.

[1528] Like, I went to one knee, and he goes, are you okay?

[1529] And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm good.

[1530] And then I went to the other knee.

[1531] Are you sure you're okay?

[1532] Yeah, everything's fine.

[1533] I'm just going to, like, literally, I'm just going to lay here for a second.

[1534] Do we have time?

[1535] If I can lay here?

[1536] That's what I'm saying to him.

[1537] Oh, my God.

[1538] That didn't make sense to you.

[1539] Long story short, a girlfriend I was dating at the time came to my apartment, goes, you bought a VCR?

[1540] And I go, No. She goes, there's a Best Buy with a VCR thing over there.

[1541] Whose is it?

[1542] Go over.

[1543] It's my signature.

[1544] Bought a VCR.

[1545] This is back when people bought DVDs, though.

[1546] So, like, I even bought the older VCR.

[1547] And I bought it the way home after I left the place.

[1548] Wow.

[1549] You didn't realize you bought it.

[1550] And then she goes, what's the matter with you or whatever?

[1551] And I go, wow, spa.

[1552] And then she's like, you look.

[1553] And then we went to the doctor's.

[1554] And then I lifted up a foot.

[1555] And I was fell.

[1556] And the whole thing.

[1557] Yeah.

[1558] Wow.

[1559] That sounds like a state of when you just wake up and somebody's like...

[1560] Well, there's been football players that said they don't remember, like, Traik would say he would play a whole quarter and didn't remember playing the whole...

[1561] Joe Dirksen.

[1562] Some fighter said that.

[1563] Joe Dirksen fought Patrick Cote, and it was an awesome fight.

[1564] Patrick Cote caught him with a big shot, had Dirksen hurt, and then Dirksen wound up taking his back and choking him out.

[1565] It was fucking...

[1566] Chaos.

[1567] Great fight.

[1568] And I ran into Dirksen after the fight.

[1569] We were on the way to the press conference.

[1570] I go, dude, that was a fucking awesome fight.

[1571] I go, what a comfort behind victory.

[1572] He goes, I don't remember it.

[1573] He goes, I don't remember what happened.

[1574] I go, you don't remember what happened?

[1575] He goes, oh, man, he cracked me. I don't remember what happened.

[1576] I got his back.

[1577] But this wasn't even an interview.

[1578] This was just me and him backstage.

[1579] I go, you got his back, and you did the BJ Penn. You pulled the hook over the arm to trap the arm, and you choked him out.

[1580] I go, it was beautiful, man. Wait till you see it.

[1581] He goes, I don't remember it.

[1582] I go, wow.

[1583] That's crazy.

[1584] There was that one guy you did interview, and he goes, I don't remember that.

[1585] Never thought it was a joke.

[1586] And then he was like, oh, no, I don't remember this at all.

[1587] Yeah.

[1588] Colin Miller against Dan Lozon.

[1589] Yeah.

[1590] He got dropped.

[1591] And I go, what were you thinking?

[1592] How badly were you hurt when he got dropped?

[1593] He goes, I got dropped?

[1594] He didn't remember it.

[1595] Yeah, when it came on, he goes, oh, wow, I did.

[1596] Like, his reaction was so real.

[1597] Tim Sylvia, when he fought...

[1598] What's his name?

[1599] Randy Couture.

[1600] When Tim Sylvia got cracked in the first round, he woke up going into the fourth round.

[1601] Yeah.

[1602] He didn't know what round it was.

[1603] He thought the second round was the fourth round.

[1604] Or he thought the fourth round was the second round.

[1605] He was off by two.

[1606] He missed two rounds.

[1607] Or the fifth, I think.

[1608] It might have been the fifth.

[1609] Because they told him this is the last round.

[1610] He was like, what the last round?

[1611] He thought it was the second round.

[1612] He was gone.

[1613] He was fighting on autopilot.

[1614] Crazy.

[1615] Your body trying not to die.

[1616] Dude.

[1617] You know, just random nerves just randomly thrown.

[1618] Getting blasted.

[1619] I love, like, striking training.

[1620] I love, like, hitting the pad and hitting the bag.

[1621] And sparring with somebody you can trust is fun.

[1622] Yeah, if you can find that guy that knows 70 % is 70%.

[1623] Didn't some dude punch you in the face recently in your Krav Maga class?

[1624] Yeah, same thing.

[1625] That's why, like, I enjoy training, like you said.

[1626] We're doing, literally I go, let's go 40 % because I got some.

[1627] Right.

[1628] And if people don't know, when you do like striking sparring, the whole deal is that you don't hit each other hard.

[1629] You hit each other like a little bit, but you don't try to knock each other out.

[1630] Yeah, there's nothing.

[1631] And so I'm like, and my problem is I don't get in close enough.

[1632] So I told the guy, let's go 40.

[1633] That way if I do get drilled right in the face, it's not going to.

[1634] So then I throw a kick, but I'm throwing a kick at 40%, which means.

[1635] Any little kid could grab that kick.

[1636] It's not going fast.

[1637] So he swoops it, grabs it, and then punches as hard as he could after he catches my foot.

[1638] And then I'm just laying there and I'm like, yeah, that's why I'm going to do more jiu -jitsu.

[1639] Because the worst thing that's going to happen to me is somebody's going to tap me out.

[1640] I mean, there could be that fluke, weird, but it's more of a, not a gentleman's board, it's just, people are cool.

[1641] It's more technical.

[1642] It's more technical, and the worst thing that's happened is I go like that, and I'm not going, man, are you just weird.

[1643] Sparks drilled me in the face.

[1644] And good guys don't hurt you.

[1645] Good guys are the least you have to worry about.

[1646] With a guy like Eddie, if he gets your arm, he's going to have full control.

[1647] He's not going to pull it back and snap it.

[1648] You've got to worry about strong blue belts that are just starting to learn how to tap people.

[1649] Those are the ones you've got to worry about.

[1650] Or just real hyper -aggressive and they don't know how to relax yet.

[1651] Or super -powerful white belts who are just learning moves.

[1652] The most you'll get is bruises all over your fucking...

[1653] When you spar somebody, especially if I find a place wherever I'm performing, that's a better story for them.

[1654] is being knocked out the comic that was.

[1655] That's a way better story than, hey, I want to work on getting inside.

[1656] Do you mind if I...

[1657] Then again, there's some places that you go to where people don't try to do that at all.

[1658] Like when I went to Amal Easton's place in Boulder, when I moved there and I started training there, people couldn't have been nicer.

[1659] Everybody was cool.

[1660] There was no assholes.

[1661] There was no aggro dudes.

[1662] No one trying to tap you.

[1663] No one getting crazy.

[1664] I mean, they were trying to tap you, but they weren't trying to hurt anybody.

[1665] They were just rolling.

[1666] It's all from how cool the instructor is.

[1667] If the instructor's cool, then the people are cool.

[1668] Like, Eddie's so friendly and so relaxed and so cool to everybody that everybody in the whole gym carries that friendly, relaxed attitude.

[1669] You know, you go to, like, John Jock's, the same thing.

[1670] John Jock's a real nice guy.

[1671] So everybody there's nice.

[1672] Eddie was so high the other day that he started talking, and he went up to hand it, and then I was like, I wonder if...

[1673] And then you see the other people laughing, like, he's gone.

[1674] He got so high, he spent the first five minutes of class talking about some History Channel documentary on UFOs.

[1675] The first five minutes, it's like, dude, they got scientists, man. They got NASA.

[1676] NASA people, man. Shit is going down.

[1677] Should we be doing set -ups while we're talking?

[1678] Yeah.

[1679] It's like, dude, it's on the history channel.

[1680] Shit's going down.

[1681] I'm like, how high are you right now?

[1682] How often do you do?

[1683] Once to 1 .5 times a week.

[1684] But you still don't see.

[1685] I mean, even that once.

[1686] Yeah.

[1687] It gets you thinking about it.

[1688] I just get so mad at myself.

[1689] Like, I'll go, you learn some stuff, and then you come back, and you just hold somebody going, I used to remember something.

[1690] I don't remember that I, and then...

[1691] You try to hold them all, you figure it out.

[1692] It's consistently, you gotta just be like, running so many times.

[1693] You don't know when you just stand up, you take a couple of weeks off, and then try to do your act.

[1694] Like, how does this go?

[1695] You don't even remember your bets.

[1696] You have to, like, review your recordings.

[1697] I forgot a shit time.

[1698] I took an extended period off, and I forgot a shit time.

[1699] I was like, I know I can do something here.

[1700] I don't have any idea.

[1701] You forget a lot of shit.

[1702] I completely forgot how to do this.

[1703] There's this move to break the arm bar loose called the Silverado.

[1704] It's my favorite move when I was at Purple Belt.

[1705] I completely forgot about it.

[1706] We were reviewing it the other night.

[1707] I'm like, oh yeah, it's there.

[1708] That's how it goes in.

[1709] I forgot how to do it.

[1710] But it was one of my favorite moves.

[1711] It's weird.

[1712] Jiu -Jitsu, there's so many moves.

[1713] That's the crazy thing about it.

[1714] It's never ending.

[1715] Do you think it's not matched, right?

[1716] A year from now, some guy would do something.

[1717] No one's done.

[1718] Because it comes off what other people are doing.

[1719] It's based on what you do.

[1720] But then no one has ever thought to defend this move yet because it hasn't been invented.

[1721] Once it does get invented, then you've got to have a counter.

[1722] There's this new move that dudes have been doing real recently called the Japanese necktie.

[1723] And it's just come out.

[1724] I think Aoki was the first person to do it.

[1725] Yeah, it's, no, Japanese necktie is like a, it's sort of like a darse.

[1726] But you, you, you grab it, you grab it with a gable grip and you turn the guy's head up towards his chest and you have your chest pinned on him.

[1727] It's fucking nasty.

[1728] It's one of the best, and it's new.

[1729] It's like, how did no one know this before?

[1730] Right, right, yeah.

[1731] People are in this position all the time.

[1732] They're trying to get the darse choke, but really there's, there's an even better choke that's right there.

[1733] It's like, as soon as you lock up that gable grip and you get on top of the guy, you, you...

[1734] tuck it under and you're bending his fucking neck towards his chest.

[1735] Your chest is on top of his head.

[1736] He's got no air, no blood.

[1737] Whenever we do those drills and it's those cranks, I always pretend like we have an odd number of people in the class and I don't have a partner.

[1738] No, you should do it, man. You should do it.

[1739] They hurt.

[1740] Yeah, but you do it anyway.

[1741] You got to relax.

[1742] Just let them yank your neck around.

[1743] It's a small difference between fine and serious pain.

[1744] Yeah, but you got to get used to that.

[1745] No one's going to hurt you doing that, you know, but it's going to be uncomfortable.

[1746] But that move, it's so important to learn how, where it comes on.

[1747] Because, like, the Japanese necktie comes on so quick.

[1748] The Peruvian necktie, too, it's like, you're going like this, and then you're just jumping back, and hopefully you don't go too far.

[1749] But it's a spazzy move.

[1750] It's an awesome move.

[1751] Peruvian necktie and Japanese necktie, both of them are the shit.

[1752] They fuck you up, man. That's a terrible position to be in.

[1753] I think the Japanese necktie is even, well, Peruvian's pretty badass, too.

[1754] In the Peruvian, you got your weight on top of them, always.

[1755] The Japanese necktie, you're kind of like on the side and hooking it, but it doesn't matter.

[1756] It's so good.

[1757] Such a powerful move like that.

[1758] I think we're done.

[1759] Do you agree, Brian?

[1760] I was just thinking of Japanese people.

[1761] I'm like, have I ever seen a Japanese guy wearing a necktie?

[1762] What about that fucking Japanese video game?

[1763] That video that you posted?

[1764] Maybe we should end with that, because that is the most bizarre fucking thing I think I've ever seen on the internet.

[1765] There's some crazy Japanese video game that's like these two muscle -bound gay guys wearing diapers, and they're a human bicycle, and they're riding down the road, and they're getting chased.

[1766] I mean, it is one of the gayest, weirdest things.

[1767] Japanese lead the league in weirdness.

[1768] God, it's so strange.

[1769] Do you know, for people who don't know, there's like, you can go to vending machines in Japan, you can buy used panties.

[1770] Like, that's real.

[1771] Yeah.

[1772] You go places they sell used panties.

[1773] Why couldn't we open one of those there?

[1774] Could you open one of those here?

[1775] All you have to do is get a girl to put it on real quick, throw it in a bag, and then it's...

[1776] Yeah, I think you have to have enough people that are going to cool and buying it.

[1777] Because I think...

[1778] You should have different levels.

[1779] You should have different levels.

[1780] One, the girl wears it all day.

[1781] That's the primo.

[1782] She doesn't change her panties all day.

[1783] No shower in the morning.

[1784] No shower.

[1785] She goes to the gym, and you get those stinky, sweaty, funky...

[1786] Moose knuckle underwears.

[1787] I think you missed an opportunity for the Joe Rogan fanny pack.

[1788] I'm going to make them.

[1789] And I was already thinking about your fashion show.

[1790] I'm making fanny packs.

[1791] And then have used panties like that.

[1792] We'll call them like Rogan.

[1793] I mean, you could probably get it so instead of it's fanny pack, it's oh, you want a Rogan.

[1794] I mean, there's some huge...

[1795] Yeah.

[1796] People think I'm kidding about the fanny pack thing.

[1797] You see me at the airport.

[1798] I always have one of those things on.

[1799] You should shape a fanny pack like a skull.

[1800] Like a three -dimensional skull.

[1801] You can get a little crazy with it.

[1802] It doesn't...

[1803] It's overhead...

[1804] compartment for your junk.

[1805] You're saying the sky's the limit on fanny packs.

[1806] It's a huge opening.

[1807] So comfortable, so useful.

[1808] Fanny packs are shit.

[1809] And then I can see fighters entering.

[1810] That'd be a little bit of a thing.

[1811] Sponsored by.

[1812] After seeing the Jew clam, what's going to shock us?

[1813] This video we're going to show you is not as shocking as the Jew clam.

[1814] I got to pee.

[1815] Goodbye everybody.

[1816] Ours is going to pee.

[1817] Here, we'll turn off the webcam now and check it out.

[1818] All right.

[1819] Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for another fun, fun Ustream podcast.

[1820] I hope you enjoyed it.

[1821] John Hefron needs more Twitter followers, people.

[1822] It's at John Hefron.

[1823] Hefron with two Fs.

[1824] And we love you, bitches.

[1825] Thanks for tuning in.

[1826] Have you seen this, John?

[1827] Uh -oh.

[1828] Look at the baby, son.

[1829] Teletubbies.

[1830] That's what I'm saying.

[1831] Alright, guys.

[1832] Thanks for watching.