Calm Parenting Podcast XX
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[24] Parenting a strong will child is really difficult.
[25] and you know that that's why you're listening to this podcast you know it's even harder teaching a strong will child right imagine you're a teacher and you've got three or five strong will kids in your classroom and maybe throw on top of that kids with some learning differences some learning disabilities kids on the spectrum that's hard right it's hard enough at home getting your child to follow like one or two simple directions but imagine having to teach them all day long for like six hours in how to do that So I have a lot of compassion for teachers.
[26] I know some of us have had some really bad experiences with teachers who crushed our child's spirit.
[27] We had that with Casey.
[28] We actually had to pull him out of a school because it had gotten so bad.
[29] It's not that Casey was innocent in all of it, but he was a kid.
[30] They were supposed to be grown professionals, but they just didn't have tools.
[31] But for the most part, I've trained a few hundred thousand teachers in person across for the past couple decades.
[32] And what I usually find is these are people who, love kids and they really want to help.
[33] They just don't have the tools.
[34] These are, you know, I have so many teachers come up and say, I just didn't know this stuff.
[35] I didn't realize this is the way their brains worked or their heart worked.
[36] And these are teachers who go home at night and they agonize over this because they really want to help.
[37] They just don't know how.
[38] And that's no different than us as parents, right?
[39] How many of us as parents have done things the wrong way for our kids?
[40] And we thought, well, this is the way I was raised.
[41] This is the right way.
[42] And then you find out, Oh my gosh, I just messing that up big time.
[43] But our hearts were in the right place.
[44] We just didn't have the tools.
[45] So I want to try to give you some tools.
[46] So for those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin founder, Celebrate Calm.
[47] You can find us at Celebrate Calm.
[48] If you need anything, reach out to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.
[49] Definitely a strong -will kid who struggled in school.
[50] And he'll help you out.
[51] Just tell us what you're struggling with.
[52] We'll email back personally, and we can help you with this stuff.
[53] So I'm going to give you, make this short and give you some very practical tools.
[54] but I was thinking about, say, think about this dilemma for a teacher.
[55] So I'm teaching, now we're teaching, we're doing math.
[56] But I look over at this kid, and his name is, we call him Jeremy, and he's sitting in my class, reading a book, but we're in math class, right?
[57] And so he's not following directions.
[58] And so what do we do in that situation?
[59] And the normal response from a teacher is going to be, Jeremy, Jeremy, put away the book, put away their book it's not it's not reading time anymore it's math class and then Jeremy hesitates like you know this because your kids do this at home too and now the the tone of voice gets a little sharper Jeremy Jeremy if you can't follow directions in my class you are going to end up losing fill in the blank recess class field trip whatever it is and now it becomes this face off and now we're we're kind of declaring power struggle and my tone gets negative I don't know how many times I have to tell you they do the same thing we do as parents and what happens to the child Jeremy will put away his book but inside his heart here's what's just developed this defensive posture that says this teacher doesn't understand me this teacher this person this human does not like me they don't like me and how many of your kids have come home from school the first day of school teacher doesn't like me some of them are super sensitive but some of them actually pick up on the real vibe, which is the teacher doesn't like them.
[60] And it becomes negative.
[61] And what happens in their heart?
[62] They begin to shut down.
[63] And then that's when the real defines does start because inside the child's heart comes this little feeling of, you know what, screw you.
[64] You don't like me. So you already think I'm a bad kid.
[65] So guess what?
[66] I'm just going to double down.
[67] I'll just become a bad kid.
[68] What are you going to do to me?
[69] I don't really care about your consequences.
[70] same thing happens at school that happens at home and so what I try to give teachers is in alternatives some different scripts to use because when the teacher said that Jeremy you need to put away your book if you can't put away your book you're not following directions you're going to lose recess she didn't do anything wrong but it just doesn't work but imagine that this teacher looked down at Jeremy and said Jeremy you know what I love about you and she says this in front of the whole class because look we're used to correcting kids in front of their siblings in front of the whole class so we may as well make this public and do it in a good way in a positive way Jeremy you know what I love about you you love to read you know what I know about people who read they're curious people they love to learn and they're the brightest people in the world reading opens up new world so I love that you want to read look it's math class right now so I need you to put away your book but and notice how you say that that.
[71] See, there was no negativity in there.
[72] Just a statement of fact.
[73] It's math class.
[74] You need to put away your book.
[75] But, and here are a couple options.
[76] Hey, after class, I want to know what you're reading because I can tell you're really into it.
[77] Guess what?
[78] I love to read too.
[79] And sometimes at night when I'm supposed to be eating or going to sleep or doing something else, I just get absorbed into my book.
[80] So I want to know what you're reading.
[81] See, now I've just bonded with the child over something that's really positive reading instead of just creating a power struggle over it.
[82] other options say, hey, you know what's, Jeremy, look, after we come in from recess or after lunch, if you want, I will give you two minutes in front of class to share what you're reading about because I would love for all the other kids in class to be as curious as you are.
[83] Think what that does to this child's psyche and the relationship between the teacher and the child because now I've just acknowledged what you're doing is a really good thing and I want to encourage it.
[84] just not the right time for it and I pointed out the positive traits you're curious you love to learn it's a sign of really bright people with good imaginations see that will get the child to put his book away but now he feels good about himself and I guarantee you in math class he's more he's going to be more ready more willing to learn and when that teacher ask him or her whatever your child is to do things, your kids are going to be more likely to do that.
[85] It's no different than at home.
[86] When I connect with a child, because, right, it is relationships and connection that change behavior, not consequences.
[87] So here's an idea for you, because I get this a lot of like, how can we, you know, how can we get through to the teacher to help our son or daughter in the right way?
[88] And so here's a sample email I may send to my, child's teacher and it sounds like this.
[89] Hey, dear Mrs. Henderson, I appreciate how challenging it can be to teach kids like Beckham.
[90] You and I share the same goal to ensure that Beckham is a curious student who loves to learn.
[91] By the way, that is my goal.
[92] I don't really care about getting all A's and all B's.
[93] I don't want to put on this pressure of like, you have to do your best at everything because nobody does their best at everything, including you.
[94] We do our best at the right things, but not everything, but my goal is to raise a curious kid who loves to learn.
[95] We've discovered that Beckham doesn't respond well to consequences or timeouts.
[96] He tends to shut down when he's overwhelmed or when things get negative, and he struggles when it feels like no one likes him.
[97] So our typical discipline tools are not working at home either.
[98] See, there's a good acknowledgement there of like, look, we're struggling, you're struggling, but here are some things we've learned.
[99] So, Mrs. Henderson, could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress?
[100] I like that phrasing it that way a lot.
[101] Can we try something different?
[102] It's not you're doing it wrong and unless you change.
[103] I'm not demanding I'm asking.
[104] Can we try something different for the next two weeks?
[105] That's a defined period of time.
[106] That seems reasonable to me of, hey, we've been doing it at home and at school this way since the beginning of school year.
[107] We now have four months of evidence to recognize that what we're doing isn't working.
[108] So could we try some different things for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress?
[109] And I like that phrasing as well because we're not saying, See if we can get Beckham to stop misbehaving perfectly every day so he's on green.
[110] Not asking.
[111] I just want progress.
[112] So could we give Beckham tools to succeed, affirm him for positive choices, and build his confidence?
[113] Here are some examples of tools that I think will help.
[114] And see, now I'm going to give some teachers instead of saying, you know what, could you just do it differently?
[115] It's not working.
[116] It's ruining his confidence.
[117] He doesn't like school.
[118] Just do it differently.
[119] I'm not leaving the teacher alone here.
[120] I'm saying here are some very specific concrete tools.
[121] Not being demeaning here either.
[122] It's what I encourage you to do.
[123] Moms to do with husbands.
[124] Just saying, we need to change our entire parenting paradigm.
[125] I'm out.
[126] It's too big for me as a guy.
[127] But if you give me something specific to try for the next two weeks and I can try that, and then I can measure that and see if it works, oh, I like that.
[128] So here are three examples you could give your child's teacher.
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[137] That's p -h -y -l -a -com and use code word comb here's one could you give beckham a job to do every morning it's some doing something he's good at doing that makes him feel helpful and needed because that will build his confidence and it also helps with anxiety and even saying to him beckham i could really use your help moving those heavy books from the back of the room to my desk see you that's a very specific thing that would actually work really well with our kids because waking them up in a morning if they know they have a specific job to do the specificity counters anxiety giving them something they're good at doing is a change because many of your kids just aren't good at doing school not good at sitting all day listening to someone talk we're calling information for a time test it's not one of their strengths so the first thing i do as a teacher actually in my classroom would be that child who is most challenging, I'm going to find what he's naturally, or what she is naturally good at doing, and then I'm going to give them a job in that area.
[138] Why?
[139] Because now I'm just creating a success, right?
[140] That's perfect.
[141] Greatest success, build confidence.
[142] And now I get to say, hey, nice job, Beckham.
[143] That is really helpful.
[144] So number two example.
[145] Hey, let's try this, Mrs. Henderson.
[146] Make things a challenge for Beckham.
[147] He tends to like that.
[148] And sometimes for some of your kids, they get bored, right?
[149] And then they just shut down and they get in trouble because when your kids get bored, because some of your kids have very quick minds and they'll get stuff very quickly, well, they're not going to sit there with their hands folded in their lap or on their desk waiting for everybody to catch up.
[150] They're going to get up and go around and talk to other people.
[151] And then guess what happens?
[152] Beckham, you need to sit down.
[153] Beckham, stop doing that.
[154] Beckham, stop, stop, stop.
[155] Instead, so Mrs. Henderson, could you do this?
[156] Hey, Beckham, the other kids are adding two -digit numbers.
[157] Think you can add three -digit numbers?
[158] And now I just gave him a challenge to do something.
[159] And by the way, parents, I would encourage you take in a worksheet that you created that has three -digit addition in it or whatever it is.
[160] Don't expect the teacher to have to create all this new stuff.
[161] You do that for him or her, right?
[162] And that's a nice thing of like, hey, I'll bring in some different worksheets.
[163] I've noticed at home.
[164] Beckham really loves doing X. He loves doing these crossword puzzles and different games.
[165] Could I bring in a couple worksheets?
[166] So when he's done with his regular work, could you challenge him to do that?
[167] And even telling the teacher, say this, Beckham, bet you can't do X. Because you know what's implied in that?
[168] I actually believe you can do that.
[169] And I'm expecting more of you, but I'm expecting more of you in a way that is reasonable than that I think you can actually do so you feel good about yourself and then the third piece of advice that I would give Mrs. Henderson the teacher is for the next two weeks could you affirm him every time he makes a good choice because this will counterbalance the negatives catch him doing things well hey that was a really good choice Beckham proud of you it's like sewing lots of seeds short and sweet and so now watch I've just given the teacher three specific ideas.
[170] Okay, now as a teacher, I've got a lot going on.
[171] I've got 25 kids in my class, and I can't do this for every one of them, but this mom and dad came to me and said, hey, here are three things.
[172] So that next day after I get this note, I'm like, Beckham, you know what?
[173] I could really use your help.
[174] By the way, your kids love that phrase.
[175] They love helping other adults, just not you as the parents.
[176] And so take advantage of that.
[177] Beckham, I could really use your help with this.
[178] Now I created a success.
[179] I gave him a very specific job doing something he's good at doing.
[180] That builds confidence.
[181] So now when I ask him to do something that's difficult for him, like a writing assignment, well, now he's doing it from a place of confidence and competence.
[182] After he does that job, I get to say, man, that was a really good job.
[183] Thank you.
[184] So I just started the day.
[185] Within the first two minutes of this kid walking into my class, I created connection, I created a success, and I praised him for something.
[186] And now while he's doing his work, I can say, I can give him a challenge.
[187] I can make it a little bit more difficult.
[188] Again, that's believing in him.
[189] And then I can end my note by saying, we're going to begin doing this at home as well.
[190] Again, can we try this for two weeks and see if we make some progress?
[191] We appreciate all that you do.
[192] I love that.
[193] I think that's a great format to use because you're not mentioning five things.
[194] You're also not sending in.
[195] We just recently had testing done on our son and we'd like to send you the 38 -page report.
[196] Teachers doesn't have time to read all of that.
[197] And by the way, they don't need the report anyway.
[198] What they're really looking for is, okay, what's actionable?
[199] What can I do differently?
[200] So here are a couple things that I do encourage you to do.
[201] Write those notes.
[202] Make it specific.
[203] I've had parents actually email me and say, hey, can you take a look at this and see if this is appropriate?
[204] And I will do that for people.
[205] I would, if you have it, listen to the ADHD University Program, because we give you dozens of examples of very practical scripts you can give teachers to use.
[206] And if you actually have that program in the Calm Parenting Package, email us and give us the teacher's email address.
[207] We can share that, and you can share that directly with your child's teachers so they get to understand the child's brain.
[208] It's an awesome, awesome thing, and it's a fantastic program for your kids.
[209] if you want us to train your child's teachers and the school, we now have a new option.
[210] We always put this up to schools reaching out to us, but now without traveling so much.
[211] And look, the truth is for me to train a school's teachers and I have to travel there costs a lot of money.
[212] And professional development training, usually if you ask a school, is going to be anywhere between $2 ,500, $3 ,500, $5 ,000, $7 ,500 to train all the school's teachers.
[213] I can do it right online via Zoom and teachers love our training because it's really practical and we give them scripts to use.
[214] And if you're, look, it's hard to convince the school.
[215] Hey, this guy's really great.
[216] You should pay him $3 ,500 to come to your school.
[217] That's a hard sell, right?
[218] Now, we've done it hundreds of times.
[219] But we just create an option to make it easy, which is you can go on and buy that.
[220] purchase that for your school and you can do that it's seven hundred fifty dollars i that's that's look i'm just being honest with this stuff case and i talk about this and we're like okay how low can we go where it's still right if you go too low then in some ways look it's not a pride thing but it's like man you i want people to value it right but i don't want to make it so expensive and at this point my life i charge a lot because i'm really good at this and i'm older and so i can and i and and i and my, and I value my time and expertise in that way.
[221] But we came up, we were like, well, $500, that, that's not value in enough, especially when this training is worth a few thousand dollars, but $1 ,000, maybe that's, that's a lot of money to ask a parent or even nowadays, sometimes a school with stretch budget to do it.
[222] So I thought, you know, it's $750 to train 15, 20, 30, 50, 100.
[223] I don't care how many teachers it is.
[224] That number of teachers, right?
[225] That's, that's a really good price and so I will feel look again I'm just being honest with this I will feel good about it I'm like you know what that's worth it to me that that's compensating me for my time for my expertise for the energy I put into this because it'll be a 60 minute 90 minute training we could do two hours but I found with teachers 75 to 90 minutes of me there's boom boom boom I get a lot done then, and it's valuable.
[226] All the school's teachers will have all of this information and insight, and it's still affordable.
[227] So if you go onto the website at celebrate calm .com and you look up, it'll say book live training, click on that tab, and you can book a parenting event if you want, but I'm focusing that on the teachers.
[228] You can actually go there and just book it right now, and then what will happen is we will coordinate with the school to schedule a professional development training via Zoom and we'll do it around their schedule and if the principal says hey we want to do it on the second Tuesday and in April at 3 p .m. our time after the teachers get out of school I'm like boom done we'll make that work and then they their their teachers have all of this insight into your kids and these strategies and it's it's a it's a really nice gift to give a school so if your school wants to to do it directly and send it to them and they can do it.
[229] But anyway, it's an option for you.
[230] So listen, thank you for listening.
[231] Thanks for sharing this podcast.
[232] I'm going to continue to keep doing some podcast specifically for teachers and classroom situations.
[233] And we have some of those already in our catalog.
[234] So feel free to share those.
[235] But again, if you need anything, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.
[236] We want to help your family.
[237] Love you.
[238] I'll talk to you soon.
[239] Bye -bye.