Vanessa Bayer

[0] Hi, my name is Vanessa Bayer.

[1] And I feel honestly thrilled about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] You know what, I don't.

[3] The fact that you had a weird inhuman pause, and you said, honestly, thrilled.

[4] And then there was a pause like, anyone buying it?

[5] Is anyone buying this?

[6] Oh, he's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[7] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[8] Hey, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[9] I just looked up and read off a monitor that says the name of our podcast.

[10] Did you forget?

[11] And I, I'm aware that I just said, hey, and welcome to you.

[12] And I looked up and read it off the monitor.

[13] We should put something out there that we weren't read.

[14] Yeah.

[15] Welcome to Matt and Sona get a raise.

[16] Yeah, it's like an Anchorman where he'll read whatever.

[17] He reads whatever.

[18] What does he say?

[19] Fuck you, San Diego.

[20] Oh, wait, no, I think it's go fuck yourself, San Diego.

[21] I just don't want to misquote Anchorman.

[22] Anyway, I just, I don't know why I did that.

[23] I looked up, I know that this is called Come Up, Brian Needs a Friend.

[24] But I looked up and I do.

[25] I really do.

[26] Just don't take that monitor away.

[27] That's how relaxed I am.

[28] Let's look at it that way.

[29] That's how relaxed and in the moment.

[30] And Sona, you'll attest, I don't, I'm not a relaxed person most of the time.

[31] You're not.

[32] Why?

[33] Just stop.

[34] What do you mean?

[35] Stop what?

[36] Stop doing that.

[37] Just chill.

[38] Just relax.

[39] If I could, I would.

[40] Yeah.

[41] You know that.

[42] But, you know, you've really worked.

[43] on yourself a lot.

[44] You're a very different person than when I first started working for you.

[45] I will say that.

[46] I've seen growth.

[47] 11 or 12 years ago?

[48] 13.

[49] Wow.

[50] It's 2009.

[51] Okay.

[52] That's right.

[53] That's working for you.

[54] And what was the difference?

[55] What was I like then?

[56] I think you were wound up really tight.

[57] It was also when you were about to move to Los Angeles.

[58] There was a lot going on and you were very like, you know, I'm so nervous.

[59] I have no idea.

[60] I don't think I walked around going.

[61] Oh, no. You weren't.

[62] But you could tell there was like just this weight on you and you were like, you know, there was.

[63] was a lot going on.

[64] And now you seem a lot more, you seem a lot.

[65] I'm a lot happier than I was.

[66] That's nice.

[67] Yeah.

[68] We've been lucky that I think that the TBS show was so much fun to do.

[69] Yeah.

[70] And really kind of a joyous experience.

[71] And those were great people to work with.

[72] And then this thing has been just tripping and falling into, you know, what is it?

[73] I think my wife, she has a relative who if something good happens to you, they say, well, you landed your ass in butter.

[74] Oh.

[75] That's awesome.

[76] Yeah.

[77] Well, you landed your ass in butter, but that's how it feels getting to do this podcast, is it's so much.

[78] You landed your ass in butter.

[79] I just want all the people listening to picture my bony pale Irish ass that ain't getting any younger.

[80] Being dipped into sort of liquid, I'm going to say melting butter.

[81] It's very soft, mushy butter.

[82] Like, is it opaque or is it kind of transparent, like movie theater popcorn butter?

[83] It's sort of starting to get translucent around the edges.

[84] And it's also very hot.

[85] So as I'm being lowered into it, I start screaming because it's burning my ass.

[86] That doesn't sound good.

[87] Congratulations.

[88] You did this thing.

[89] So I want to say I really did.

[90] That's not good.

[91] With this podcast, I landed my ass in my bare ass in scalding hot butter.

[92] You did it literally?

[93] You heard that expression and you just tried it literally.

[94] Yeah, I did.

[95] I thought that must be great.

[96] So I had myself, I had a winch put in the kitchen.

[97] And I had myself lowered.

[98] I'm sorry, what's a winch?

[99] A winch.

[100] I had, you tell it's a pulley system.

[101] Like on the front of a Jeep.

[102] if you want to pull a Jeep out of a mud.

[103] It's like a cable that will...

[104] They can unspool, has a motor.

[105] And so I had myself...

[106] I bought.

[107] I actually stole it off of a Jeep that I saw in a parking lot.

[108] And I had it attached to the ceiling in my kitchen and I had myself lowered into this vat of butter.

[109] The guy in the parking lot was like, where are you going with that winch?

[110] So you're not going to dip your ass and butter, are you?

[111] And I said, I don't...

[112] No, I wouldn't do that.

[113] All right, Bruno the Sploge, out!

[114] Don't look at me like that.

[115] It was last week.

[116] Oh, for God's sake.

[117] I'm very good at not mixing, man. I'm very good at mixing.

[118] Yeah.

[119] So I do feel.

[120] Yeah, how dare you get on me about referencing something last week and you're just talking about putting your ass in butter?

[121] It's not like we're doing high art here.

[122] No, I think this is high art. No. No, no. No, it's not.

[123] Anyway, I'll get us back on track, which is, and I'm sure there'll be some edits here.

[124] They'll be really great if there weren't.

[125] You got it.

[126] that we were very fortunate.

[127] I was very fortunate to land this silly gig.

[128] It's really fun.

[129] And, you know, I'm enjoying myself.

[130] So I think I'm a happier chappy than I was 13 years ago.

[131] Good.

[132] Yeah.

[133] And also, I don't see you like every day, Sona.

[134] You know what I mean?

[135] You've got your kids and stuff.

[136] We see each other a lot.

[137] It doesn't feel that way.

[138] It doesn't?

[139] No. No, I think we'd do.

[140] I was just to see you constantly.

[141] I would see you all day long.

[142] And then if I was doing a show at night, you'd come on that.

[143] If I toured, you came on the tour.

[144] You were omnipresent in my life all the time.

[145] Now it feels like, yeah, I see you when we do this.

[146] And I see you here and there.

[147] That's true.

[148] But you do seem happier, Sona.

[149] I am so much happier.

[150] I don't know what happened for the last 11 months.

[151] I'm just kidding.

[152] I'm kidding.

[153] Come on.

[154] I'm kidding.

[155] Help to the end.

[156] Friends forever.

[157] All right.

[158] Let's get on with this.

[159] It smells like ass butter in here.

[160] Bass butter.

[161] Jesus.

[162] Literally.

[163] try it folks dip your ass in very hot butter take it from me it's the most central experience you'll ever have what if today's guest was like malala and right now you just look out and you see that they're walking away I've always wanted to have a really stupid segment up front and then look over and see through the window that the guest has gone and I'd be like wait a minute who was it it was uh you know civil rights activist like a really serious good person doing good work and they just heard me dipping my ass and butter like I'm gonna go you've done in the past when we've had like Hillary Clinton or you know Barack Obama you're like guys we have to keep this intro very professional and then it always always devolved Obama tried to leave remember yeah yeah he tried to go and the door he couldn't get the door open we don't remember because we weren't invited today we weren't at that oh right right they yeah the Secret Service looked into your backgrounds approved ass butter guy oh trust me sona you actually have a rap sheet so i don't no i don't that's why i've gotten away with so much because i i don't no one's ever yes yes i know every no i'm not a pick pocket sticky fingers that would be really cool if i knew that you stole a scrunchy right what didn't you steal a scrunchy oh among a lot of other yeah forever 20 you go to forever 21 and steal stuff no not well that's why you didn't get to meet obama because you are a thief it's i don't have a record that's why i kept Trust me, there's having a record and then there's what the Secret Service can find out.

[164] That's not true.

[165] They knew exactly what you had done and they knew that you could not be around the president.

[166] They presented you with the scrunchy.

[167] Obama was like, where's the scrunchy thief?

[168] Scratchy thief here?

[169] The thief is the pickpocket.

[170] No, she couldn't be here.

[171] All right.

[172] Jackie Mason.

[173] Secret service, never.

[174] Oh, come on.

[175] That's Jackie Mason slash Barack Obama.

[176] It's both if you want.

[177] My guest today, hey, if you want impression, this is not the place to tune in.

[178] My guest today, oh, that was Obama.

[179] My guest today was a cast member on Saturday Night Live now co -created and...

[180] What the hell?

[181] And now co -created.

[182] You got too hung up on trying to pretty much Saturday Night Live and now co -created in stars in the new Showtime series.

[183] I love that for you.

[184] I'm thrilled.

[185] She's with us today.

[186] Vanessa Bear, welcome.

[187] It is a thrill to have you here.

[188] You know, I adore you.

[189] I think you're terrific.

[190] And we're going to start at the beginning.

[191] Let's start at the beginning.

[192] Which is you interned for me. Yes.

[193] And here's the crazy thing.

[194] There's this growing list all the time of people that interned for Conan.

[195] I mean, we could start, but it's like Conan being me. Yeah, okay.

[196] It's like you have a little cult.

[197] Yeah.

[198] But I don't know what it is.

[199] Maybe I emit some sort of magical aura.

[200] Oh, boy.

[201] I don't think that's it.

[202] That's not it at all.

[203] That's probably not it.

[204] Okay, let's move on.

[205] But, you know, I mean, the list goes on and on.

[206] It is very impressive.

[207] John Krasinski, who, because he was a large strong fellow, I would regularly, like, toss him around.

[208] Because when I see a, you know, I'm like a threatened male ape.

[209] Right.

[210] And Krasinski right away.

[211] And we've talked about it.

[212] I would, like, grab him and go, you listen to me. But, but, Mindy Kaling, Angela Kinsey.

[213] Elie Kemper.

[214] Ellie Kemper.

[215] Yeah, it's incredible.

[216] Jeff Goldblum.

[217] Jeff Goldblum.

[218] Dick Cheney.

[219] Incredible.

[220] Yeah, Dick Cheney, right after he was done being vice president, came an intern.

[221] He came an intern.

[222] And you know what?

[223] He was a terrific intern.

[224] That's, yeah.

[225] And he loves comedy.

[226] That's so, that's always what you think.

[227] You hope and you.

[228] He was great.

[229] Did you have a good time?

[230] How long did you intern for us?

[231] I intern for the summer.

[232] I was probably there for two months.

[233] I was a general production intern, so we sat on those couches outside of Tanya's debt.

[234] Tanya had her desk and then we sat on those couches and we sort of waited for stuff to do.

[235] Right.

[236] But then it was like, so you were, I remember those interns, those were the interns that sat there and they were like firemen because they were inert and then someone would quickly say Conan needs hair gel and you'd be activated and you'd go rushing off to buy that special hair gel that I like.

[237] It was so fun.

[238] It was real.

[239] Well, also, sorry to brag about this, but the summer before I had interned at Chelsea Market, at oxygen.

[240] Name dropper.

[241] Yeah, whatever.

[242] It's not even a big deal.

[243] But because I had interned there, I knew where to get all the free samples and stuff.

[244] And so then I got asked, like, once a week they'd have an intern go get, like, oranges and stuff from Chelsea Market, like citrus to bring.

[245] back to the office.

[246] Right.

[247] And that was because I was obsessed with no one of my staff getting rickets.

[248] The disease people get when they don't get enough vitamin.

[249] Because you did your show crossing the ocean in an old pirate show.

[250] Well, I just knew that there's one thing, I said, I don't know if my show is going to be funny or not, but no one's getting rickets on my watch.

[251] Yeah.

[252] This ancient Mariners disease.

[253] So you would go out to get oranges.

[254] So I'd be like, oh, who wants to go to Chelsea Market?

[255] And I'd be like, I do.

[256] So I'd go get oranges.

[257] I do.

[258] And I just spent, you know, an hour getting all the samples, eating all the samples at Chelsea Market and bring back oranges and that's a real great memory.

[259] Well, can I just say it sounds like, I'm going to say right now it sounds like you were a bad intern because you spent as much time, your simple task was to grab some oranges and then you, you what, consumed or tried on 75 different free samples.

[260] before you returned?

[261] Right, right.

[262] Well, I mean, I wasn't being paid.

[263] That's true.

[264] Fair point.

[265] Oh, boy.

[266] That again.

[267] Why do people expect payment for their labor?

[268] I don't understand.

[269] Why?

[270] You got school credit.

[271] But nobody, I got school credit.

[272] So it was like a class.

[273] What a cheap class?

[274] Who has gotten into like a reputable law school because they worked for Conan?

[275] I'm doing this job for school credit.

[276] I know.

[277] You'll get there.

[278] Just a few more years.

[279] and you'll get there.

[280] No, of course, I mean, there's so much to talk about, but what is the gap between when you're an intern on my show and when you start, I think you started Saturday Night Live in 2010?

[281] Yes, so I interned for you the summer of 2003, so seven years.

[282] So actually, the summer before my senior year of college is when I interned for you, and then I moved to Chicago after college and I was there for six years, and then I got, so pretty quick.

[283] What were you doing to get you to SNO?

[284] I did, you know, I moved to Chicago and I did all the improv, like, I did improv everywhere.

[285] And then I, not improv everywhere, that's a separate, no, improv, you know what I'm improv everywhere is?

[286] I don't.

[287] It's the thing where, like, they'll be, I don't know if it still exists, but like, every, it was, it was big when I intern, actually.

[288] Everyone's, like, on a subway train and all of a sudden they start, like, all singing the same song.

[289] Oh.

[290] And then, like, and then, like, people on the train are supposed to be amused, but they're actually, like, he just, like, he just, like, want to get to where we're coming.

[291] It's a war crime.

[292] Oh, my God, Matt.

[293] It's like early flash mob, basically.

[294] And they just start doing like scenes.

[295] No, and you know what goes online every now and then you'll see it.

[296] It'll go viral as someone, a movie theater projector will break down and then someone will jump up in front of the crowd and start doing stand -up.

[297] And the universal response is revulsion and anger.

[298] You said that like it happens a lot.

[299] I feel like it only happened one time and it was a very awkward thing, right?

[300] It started, I'm predicting that it's going to be a major thing.

[301] I'm predicting, I know that there was one case where it happened, but I'm predicting that this is going to spread very quickly.

[302] People are breaking Yeah, to me that was the first germ that escaped from like the Wuhan lab and that's, and now it's just, you know, it's going to spread.

[303] And soon there's going to be improv everywhere all the time and Fauci's going to be on the air saying don't say yes and whatever you do say no but say no but or just no period did you now so you and then you did second city I did second city and the annoyance and I owe and I oh so those three and Andy Richter came from the annoyance theater yes I think so yeah it's really interesting I have this fascinating relationship with improv which is I started doing improv yeah I always thought improv's a great tool and I always got worried the minute people were being charged to see it.

[304] That was always, I remember a thing when I did it in Chicago and like I would have friends come to a show, especially like early on.

[305] And I, you know, you just don't know if the show is going to be good or not because someone could get in there.

[306] And I, as an audience member, I saw so many hours and hours and hours of improv, probably hundreds of bad hours of improv because you have to be kind of bad at it before you get good at it.

[307] Like I think very few people.

[308] Which is true of so many things.

[309] Yes.

[310] But it's like, yeah, you just, I remember my parents coming to shows and just being like, what are you doing?

[311] Oh, no. I remember we did a show once where, like, I was at this group and it was like one rule of like earth like doesn't exist.

[312] So it would be like, and it would be like, you know, I don't know if it was like gravity or it was like something like that.

[313] And it would be like do the whole improv show with this.

[314] And you don't tell the audience what it is.

[315] But this one thing that is like a rule of living is not a rule.

[316] And it was like, that's how I. felt.

[317] I was like, I guess we're just going to, like, run the world after this.

[318] Like, it was just like, we've come up with, like, the most incredible improv theory.

[319] Like, people's mind.

[320] And people were, like, that's okay.

[321] Like, it's fine.

[322] Like, good show, I guess.

[323] But nothing, my favorite comment is good show, I guess.

[324] But it's like the thing where, like, you're doing improv, you're like, we've come up with it.

[325] Like, this is it.

[326] Yeah.

[327] No, we cracked the code.

[328] Yeah.

[329] That is my, and I think that's something that's, you have to be in your 20s and an incredible comedy nerd and very, and there's a sweetness to it.

[330] So sweet.

[331] But you really think we have found something that Monty Python never thought of.

[332] We found something that, you know, the great, the Marks Brothers never thought of.

[333] We thought of something that no one's ever.

[334] But I will say in defense of, you know, when you see good improv, it's thrilling.

[335] It is.

[336] It is.

[337] And I remembered when a, Bright Citizens Brigade when I first saw them in New York.

[338] We were so lucky because on our late night show, we basically had the entire cast.

[339] And, you know, everybody who was involved in the original Upright Citizens Brigade.

[340] That was our group of players on the show.

[341] And I look back at it now and I think, well, that was just insane good luck.

[342] Yeah.

[343] That we can just, we need someone to play Andy Richter's sister who's obsessed with me. Amy Poehler will do it.

[344] She'll take a script that's a B or a B plus.

[345] and make it an A plus plus every single time through sheer force of will and talent.

[346] And it was such a joy.

[347] And then one day, Amy said, hey, come on down and be a guest on the ASCAT show for Upright Citizens Brigade.

[348] And I said, well, sure, I'd be happy to do that.

[349] And then I remember, it had been on, you know, a TV host for a long time at that point.

[350] The terror came back to me of you're completely naked.

[351] Yeah.

[352] Which was my first mistake.

[353] No one wanted to see me naked.

[354] I was actually naked.

[355] No, that was my idea.

[356] I thought you meant figuratively being.

[357] No, no, that's what they meant was you'll be naked on stage and so I removed all my clothing and apparently not a good body, I'm told.

[358] No, no, I...

[359] A good body, I guess.

[360] You don't have...

[361] No, I got up there and you have to go out and take suggestions from the crowd and then tell a story.

[362] It worked and I was so relieved and I went backstage and the show was over and I felt like I have just driven my motorcycle through the comedy ring of fire, you know.

[363] And I'll never forget, Amy Poller said, yeah, and I think the second show will be even better.

[364] And I had no idea that they did two shows.

[365] And I thought she was kidding.

[366] And I went, yeah, can you imagine there was a second show?

[367] And she said, dude, there's a second show.

[368] Oh, my God.

[369] And I was, I was like, no, there's no way I can do that again.

[370] She said, well, you're doing it again.

[371] And there were two shows.

[372] Yeah.

[373] So for the second one, I took my clothes off.

[374] Okay.

[375] You always want to end on a nude coat.

[376] No, it is scary, especially once people know who you.

[377] I remember doing it once or twice after getting on SNL, and I was so scared.

[378] And I was, what am I doing?

[379] Like, I don't know how to do this anymore.

[380] And, like, I don't know.

[381] My stories suck.

[382] Well, also, because the stakes have been raised, because now it's Vanessa.

[383] Yeah, yeah.

[384] You're on SNL and you've got all these hit characters and you feel that the bar is higher, Whether the audience feels that or not, that's how you feel like, oh, now I've got it.

[385] Whatever I did before when I was anonymous has to be, it has to be five times better now.

[386] Yeah, yeah, scary.

[387] You had incredible success at SNL.

[388] What's interesting, and I know this has got to be a powerful theme for you, but I want to just go back to your childhood because it's so defining when you were ill. You were seriously, seriously ill. Yeah, yeah.

[389] And you'd think that, I believe you had leukemia, a form of leukemia.

[390] And you'd think that that would not fuel comedy.

[391] Right, right.

[392] But even at the time that you were sick, as a child, your family tried to find humor in it.

[393] Is that right?

[394] Yes.

[395] We would joke about it all the time.

[396] And we would particularly joke about all the, like, perks we got from it.

[397] And we would, like, use it.

[398] Like, what perks?

[399] Wow, free chemo.

[400] Try and get that at a party.

[401] Jesus Christ.

[402] I know.

[403] I'm sorry.

[404] No, no, It's just like, it's like whenever you go through a difficult time, people are so nice to you.

[405] Yeah.

[406] You know?

[407] Yeah.

[408] So maybe I'm messed up that I focus on that.

[409] But like I, you know, like I was in high school and I could like come into school late all the time.

[410] Like I just came into school whenever I wanted.

[411] We had such a stress.

[412] strict attendance woman.

[413] And a lot of times it was because, you know, I wanted to sleep in, especially like when, you know, later on in my treatment when things were like, you know, I was starting to feel better and stuff.

[414] I just could like come in whenever I wanted.

[415] I didn't have to do gym class.

[416] Oh my God.

[417] That's it.

[418] That is.

[419] You guys are reacting as big as I think.

[420] No, no, no. That one hit me to the core.

[421] Trust me. You were talking to three people who are very happy to miss Jim.

[422] Yeah.

[423] Right?

[424] Yeah.

[425] I mean, what is more humiliating in high school and then gym class and you have to change into the outfit and it's so...

[426] And they want you to climb up a rope and your arms don't work.

[427] This is what I remember.

[428] Yeah.

[429] I couldn't climb up that rope.

[430] Yeah, I just was like, I don't want to start doing this and they were like, okay.

[431] What else?

[432] Yeah, you know, I just, like, I didn't have to, someone asked me to homecoming and I said, well, I have, sorry, I have chemo that weekend.

[433] Was this someone you didn't want to go?

[434] It was someone I didn't want to go with.

[435] And then I actually ended up going with someone else.

[436] I'm, but I said, oh my God.

[437] Well, I said, look, I said they, I said they changed, I can't make it.

[438] I said they changed the weekend of my chemo.

[439] But I'm still not going with you.

[440] It doesn't make you a good person.

[441] Having cancer doesn't make you a good person.

[442] If we can get one moral out of today's episode, then, yeah, yeah.

[443] Wait, so there's no upside to cancer then is what I'm hearing?

[444] No, it sounds like.

[445] Yeah, look, but in, but I, I mean, I, I, I, I'd like to think I mostly didn't use it for stuff like that.

[446] But either way.

[447] I also always really like detention.

[448] And it's a great way to get it.

[449] It's like when you're a kid and you see like someone come on the bus and they have a broken leg and you're like, well, must be nice to be them.

[450] You know, like everyone's going to sign their cast now.

[451] Okay.

[452] I have, I can exactly, I can exactly relate to what you're talking about.

[453] because when I was in the fourth grade, I remember it was right near my brother's birthday, I went to school and we had gym class and that day was wrestling.

[454] And as a joke, someone came running up and jumped on me and I fell backwards to put my arm back and it bent the wrong way.

[455] And I really broke my elbow badly.

[456] They were like, well, you're going to the nurse and I go to the nurse and my arm won't work and I know something's wrong.

[457] And they call my mom.

[458] And my mom comes rushing to school.

[459] I'm like, my mom is coming to school.

[460] She loves me?

[461] Yeah, she loves me. And I can remember the nurse on the phone saying it's Conan.

[462] No, he's, no, no, no, no, that's Neil you're thinking of.

[463] No, no, no, it's not Justin.

[464] No, Kate is a girl.

[465] No, it's not, no, it's not Jane either.

[466] No, it's okay, and she was like, got it, got it.

[467] But she came, they take me to the hospital, they gave me a drug that made me super high.

[468] I remember like, I don't know what this is, but this is something, I suddenly have no inhibitions and then they put me in a big cast my mom took me home they put me like on a couch and like the center of the house and I remembered all my brothers and sisters coming home and coming up to me to see how I was and everybody talking about me and I was told you don't have to go to school it's almost Christmas vacation anyway so you're going to have multiple weeks off from school and then I remembered my mom because it was before Christmas she went and got one of the toys that quote what Santa was going to give me and gave it to me ahead of time and I was sitting there thinking this is fucking awesome that is great that is great and then walking around with a big cast and a girl I had a crush on being like are you okay and I'm like well I don't know I may lose the arm you know obviously that was like I feel like sort of focusing on that stuff helped me get through that time but we really had fun with it yeah well So you do that, and then I think for a while you thought, well, I'm going to study biology.

[469] Yes.

[470] Was that because you had been ill?

[471] Well, kind of.

[472] I mean, I didn't really necessarily want to be a doctor, but I really liked biology in high school.

[473] And so I went into college thinking, I'll be a bio major.

[474] But then I took this really hard biology class, and it was all to like weed out the premeds.

[475] like they wanted to like get rid of any premed.

[476] To weed out the improvisers.

[477] That's probably more like that.

[478] Yeah, exactly.

[479] Yeah.

[480] And I immediately was like, okay, I'll be a communications major.

[481] It's and that's one of, you know, I've met so many people.

[482] I mean, honestly, one of the best writers I've ever met is Robert Smigel, brilliant writer who I met at Saturday Night Live when I was working there.

[483] And he had been pre -med to be a, to go into dentistry.

[484] Wow.

[485] Wow.

[486] And then when he graduated, like, I think Cornell had to say to his dad, can I just do like just a couple of months of improv before I become a dentist?

[487] And his father was like, all right, but as long as you become a dentist.

[488] But I mean, it's amazing how many people jump ship.

[489] Yeah, it was like you had to do sort of like a serious college major and to like get ready for a career.

[490] And for me, I started doing a sketch group in college.

[491] So, you know, when I intern for you, I was part of Blumers All -Female sketch comedy.

[492] musical parody troupe I remember you telling me that on the elevator once and I said you will never be a success remember?

[493] I said I have to tell you right now I know talent and you will never ever make it remember that that day?

[494] Why did she bring that up?

[495] And you started crying and I said no no no I'm just being honest I know a great certainty I've told Krasinski I've told take it from me none of you will ever make it I know this for a fact I haven't heard you talk about it that you it's my ultimate nightmare you did you when you were in second city you did improv on a cruise ship yes okay I have to hear about that because people should know who are listening there's nothing more perilous than being the comedian or the quote funny person on a cruise ship because if it doesn't go well There's nowhere to go and hide.

[496] Right, right, right.

[497] And I know for a fact, Mike Sweeney, my head writer for years and years and years and years, said he did stand -up on a cruise once.

[498] And he did his set and it didn't go well.

[499] And he stayed in his cabin the rest of the time.

[500] Oh, wow.

[501] Because you're trapped with the audience that didn't enjoy your show.

[502] Yeah, yeah.

[503] And he once told me a story about a comedian who did so badly on a cruise ship.

[504] He wasn't there for this, but it's kind of a story in the comedy.

[505] It was a stand -up.

[506] He did so badly, and the crowd got the people got so mad that they helifax him off.

[507] What?

[508] Oh, my God.

[509] A helicopter came and took him away because he had like insulted the crowd and people were really mad and looking for him and they're like, we just got to get him out of here.

[510] Oh, wow.

[511] I just love the cut from a guy entering a crowd to a helicopter.

[512] That's my time.

[513] And I, yeah, that's my.

[514] And I never picture him in the helicopter.

[515] I always picture him holding on to a cable and being like, that's my time.

[516] Be good to hear a waitress.

[517] So tell me about that.

[518] I'm just curious.

[519] I think that in the history of Second City's collaboration with Norwegian cruise lines, I got the best, I was like on the best run.

[520] Basically, we did these one -week cruises and we didn't perform, and they left on Sunday, and we didn't perform until Thursday night.

[521] Wow.

[522] So for like most of the week, nobody knew who we were, and we were just going to the islands, eating the food, which was not great, but it was free.

[523] And just sort of like hanging out.

[524] And then Thursday night we would do this sketch show that we used to, they had us do two the first week, like two in a row, two of these like, I don't know, hour -long shows.

[525] And then they decided that we'd get a better audience if we only did one.

[526] So they cut our, so they sort of cut our work that night and half.

[527] The audience didn't love the show, but it was a mix of like improv and sketches.

[528] And I remember I had this one sketch that I thought where I got to, I think I played Emily Bronte and I was like doing this like monologue.

[529] And the audience, you know, it wasn't for them.

[530] Emily was not their favorite Bronte sister.

[531] Yeah, yeah.

[532] They were like, big Charlotte.

[533] Yeah, they were like, what about Charlotte?

[534] For this really broad audience.

[535] I'm doing this like really.

[536] specific thing and I'm trying to get them.

[537] It's like, and they were just like, what the fuck?

[538] I'm not interested.

[539] So then I ended, so my, so I just did like an improv game.

[540] We did like, it was like, it was like, the audience was sort of watching it kind of like, I think they enjoyed some of it, but they mostly were sort of puzzled and kind of like, well, this is different, you know, like, because the other shows that would happen on the other nights were this big dancing, like sort of like Broadway style group that would dance and sing and put on these huge productions with these huge costumes and sets, and we had like four chairs, and we would just be like, hello, we are from Second City, Chicago, and people were like, I don't, okay.

[541] Yeah.

[542] Where's the, were they costumes?

[543] Where's the music?

[544] Yeah, yeah.

[545] Where's the people kicking in unison?

[546] Yeah, yeah.

[547] And then you're like, and I'm going to play a Bronte.

[548] Oh, good.

[549] I hope it's my favorite Bronte.

[550] I hope it's Charlotte Bronte.

[551] Uh -oh.

[552] We got on the wrong cruise.

[553] So yeah, we would just, we'd do that And then the next night we'd do an improv show That was, you know And then the next night we'd do another improv show And that was it You know, one of the things that always impressed me About you is it always occurred to me You're very prolific You got on SNL and you Your characters are unlike each other You know That you were able to come up with These varied characters And I didn't see the connection between them I thought that was really impressive.

[554] Do you know what I mean?

[555] That's so nice.

[556] Well, it's true.

[557] You know, the bar mitzvah boy and then the woman doing the weather, what is it, Don Lazarus.

[558] Right.

[559] I don't see, you were coming up with people who I thought just existed so far apart from each other, which I thought was very impressive.

[560] That's so nice.

[561] I was really lucky because they really let me try a lot of that stuff.

[562] And sometimes it worked and, you know.

[563] Was Jacob your favorite character?

[564] Yes, I think so.

[565] I don't know about you guys, but just the sweetness of it.

[566] It's so sweet.

[567] And the comedy is really good.

[568] And I've been to many a bar mitzvah, many a bat mitzvah, I'm going to a bat mitzvah this weekend.

[569] You know, it always fascinated me as a coming from such a strong Catholic family as a kid.

[570] When I would go to a bar mitzvah, and I went to a lot of them, I was trying to figure out, why am I so comfortable with this religion?

[571] And it just felt somehow less judgmental to me. I don't know if that makes any sense.

[572] Yeah, it does.

[573] I mean, because it's like, I think I had Barabat Mitzvahs every weekend in seventh grade that I would go to.

[574] It was just expected, you know, you're just asking these 13 -year -olds to be in this really formal setting.

[575] And especially for the boys who were like so much less far along in their development than the girls, they just didn't know how to do it and it was sort of like accepted but they don't know where to put their hands they don't know how to like gesture like they're so there's nothing about them has been they've figured out nothing no they're not it's the day that they're becoming a man but it's so clear that no no that's I mean first of all I didn't become a man I don't think till I was like 36 so the idea that if someone had said today Conan you're 13 it's the day you're a man everyone would have just lost it laughing yeah And that's, so it's like, it just was so funny.

[576] And I don't think I realized at the time how funny it was, but I think I really was observing, like, these boys just being fully out of their element.

[577] And then people who have, who've seen me do the Bar Mitzvah boy who know my brother, like even who didn't know my brother as a kid are like you're doing an impression of Jonah.

[578] Like you're doing, so apparently he's still like that.

[579] But, like, there's just like a real universal thing.

[580] Does he still wear a Yamaka with like the Yankees logo on it?

[581] You know, that was something we added in.

[582] You added in, yeah.

[583] But I also loved the, in the Catholic Church when we had like a confirmation or anything.

[584] There was no room to be funny.

[585] You know what I mean?

[586] It was so serious.

[587] First communion confirmation.

[588] It was so deadly serious.

[589] And there's incense and Christ died for you.

[590] So shut up.

[591] What I always really stunned me in.

[592] And in a good way about when I would see go to a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah is the joking around.

[593] That's so funny because that was always really fun.

[594] Like we would always think like Jacob's dad probably helped him write a joke like to deliver.

[595] Like, you know.

[596] And the joke can't be that good.

[597] No. But to them it's pretty.

[598] It's like it.

[599] And that is such a true thing, Conan.

[600] Like of like, you know, when you hear like a rabbi tell a joke, you're like, okay, this is the best rabbi in the world.

[601] Like it's just so fun to like be in that kind of like serious setting.

[602] But everyone's just like, I got to, I got to think of a good joke.

[603] We're all in situations where somebody gets up and they're like a corporate CEO or their job is delivering serious news.

[604] And then they make a little joke.

[605] And everyone's like, oh my God.

[606] Yeah, yeah.

[607] That's so much funnier than anything a comedian has ever said.

[608] And you're sitting there thinking, not really.

[609] Yeah.

[610] That's why as a comedian you should consider giving a sermon.

[611] I know.

[612] I think I'm in the wrong business.

[613] I would be so much, I would be so much funnier if I was known as like a spot welder, you know.

[614] Now the spot welder is going to make a joke.

[615] And suddenly people would really appreciate me. But I think that's, that's something that I have noticed is that if the rabbi makes a joke, everyone's so delighted.

[616] And the rabbi knows it too.

[617] The rabbi knows all I have to do is just wiggle my little finger and I'm getting a big laugh.

[618] Oh, yeah.

[619] Yeah.

[620] And then they can kind of, it's going to be hard for me to explain this.

[621] But they'll make the joke and then they'll like kind of enjoy it.

[622] And then they'll go back to like, you know, and they go back to being serious.

[623] Yes.

[624] I'm not doing a good job of it.

[625] No, no. Yeah.

[626] But then they go like right back into like, but let's think.

[627] Okay.

[628] You know, like who are.

[629] No, it's just serious.

[630] But let's be serious here.

[631] What sacred right are we entering today?

[632] Yeah.

[633] Yeah.

[634] What does it mean?

[635] And so suddenly they have.

[636] total power over, I can make you laugh, and then I can immediately yank the leash.

[637] Say, you understand.

[638] And especially in Catholicism, you know, you can, whatever.

[639] If a priest does make a joke, he can immediately say, he died for you.

[640] And you laugh.

[641] You're going to hell.

[642] Thinking about it is really funny of going like, and that's the lesson we all get.

[643] Is it as good as a bowl of pasta?

[644] you know the other thing that you did you did this run of these commercials that just kept deteriorating is it tortony what was it for toitinos pizza rolls oh my god you get and and what i always loved about that is um i think if one of the great advances that s andl made from when i was there as i think the pre -recorded has got more and more sophisticated, the fact that that, you know, you're the, you're the mom who's just coming in saying, it's the treat that everybody wants and I've just made it in the microwave, you know, Tartoni's time, whatever.

[645] And here it is.

[646] And then that it just got darker.

[647] So dark.

[648] And darker and darker and darker and took all these insane turns.

[649] Yeah, yeah.

[650] We got really lucky with those.

[651] I mean, I wanted to, the first year, I wanted to do something about like Super Bowl commercials and how there's always like a woman who's like feeding you know, the hungry guys.

[652] Nine guys are going, yeah, and then the woman comes in with some treat.

[653] Exactly, exactly.

[654] And Chris Kelly and Sarah Schneider worked on it with me. We like all worked on it together.

[655] And then they kept like, every year they'd be like, we should do another one.

[656] Like we should do another Totinos.

[657] And they just every year got darker and darker and darker and darker somehow.

[658] But I also was really lucky when I was at S &L because I think, I don't know if it's because when I was in Chicago, I auditioned for commercial.

[659] so much because commercials were so big in Chicago.

[660] Like it was like the only way you could sort of get paid to be on TV in Chicago that I was just really lucky I got to do so many commercials and I loved always playing that woman who is like you know like in the last one she gets asked her name and she doesn't have one like she just like a lady who's kind of like there to serve.

[661] Well I love the reveal at one point it gets so dark that and I think this was Larry David but everybody's like, all the guys are always going like, yeah, yeah, on the screen.

[662] And then you walk around and there's nothing on the screen.

[663] Yeah, yeah.

[664] And we see that you're, I mean, it was very twilight zone, but there's a whole different kind of tone.

[665] I just love that the show opened itself up to all these different textures.

[666] Yeah, it was so fun doing those.

[667] And I appreciate, I mean, it's like, the longer I was there, they kind of let me do stuff that was sort of weird.

[668] Like, you know, it's hard to.

[669] kind of get that stuff on, but then they, like, slowly, like, I don't know, it was really fun.

[670] I think that show's doing something right and will probably last.

[671] I'm probably going to make it, you said on year 78.

[672] I want to talk about your show.

[673] I love that for you, which I really like a lot.

[674] That's so neat.

[675] And it is, and I want to tell people, encourage people to watch this show because it's personal.

[676] It does feel like it's coming from your personal story.

[677] Yeah.

[678] because your character was ill as a child.

[679] Yes.

[680] A big part of the show is when you're a child and you're ill, you fall in love with home shopping shows.

[681] Yes.

[682] Is that true to you?

[683] Yes.

[684] I mean, when I was, even before I was sick is when I watched the most home shopping.

[685] I mean, when I was.

[686] So maybe they made you sick.

[687] So maybe.

[688] I'm just saying there could be a link.

[689] Come on.

[690] I'd like to get that out there.

[691] I hope that's the headline.

[692] If you see jewelry, if you see cheap jewelry from too many angles in close -up, maybe it weakens the immune system.

[693] It's possible.

[694] Well, well, look.

[695] No, your character, that is borrowed from your childhood.

[696] Yes, I loved home shopping when I was little, and I would like tape it.

[697] I, I, I, I, everything about it seems so glamorous to me. I love the way that the women would like, the hosts like would tell the stories about the products and they'd be like, you can wear this to a brunch with friends.

[698] You can wear this, you know, to your, to your, to your goddaughter's christening or whatever.

[699] And I'd be like, that's, I don't have a goddaughter at this, like, it's like, she'll have a christening someday.

[700] And, you know, it's like, I just was like, the idea of like being a woman who had all these things to wear this jewelry to or, whatever it was, was so fun for me to like, you know, and like, I just, I loved it.

[701] I loved how they, like, touched all the products and how they just sort of like, it was so mesmerizing.

[702] And I think that's a lot of people like, you know, in the same way people keep like sports on all the time on their TV.

[703] I think a lot of people do that with home shopping because it's so soothing and so kind of, it's such a kind of escape in a lot of ways.

[704] And so I just like loved it as a kid.

[705] And it wasn't like I was necessarily escaping anything.

[706] but I just loved watching it.

[707] It was like, so it is, in retrospect, sort of odd that, like, other kids were probably watching, like, cartoons.

[708] So they're all talking about Saved by the Bell or a cartoon, and you were saying, oh, my God, that cubic zirconian necklace.

[709] Yeah, I'm like, this is such a steel and it's so versatile and I can wear it, you know, I can wear it in the cafeteria and then I can wear it after school when I'm And your goddaughter, I will give us to my goddaughter one day.

[710] And then she'll take it to a jeweler and he'll say, this is shit.

[711] This is also something that I would always, when we were writing, like, some of the writers who are like less familiar with home shopping would be like, yeah, like the, and we had such incredible writers, but like they'd be like, yeah, like this, like, let's talk about, like they're selling this shitty necklace or something.

[712] And I'd always be like, I just got to tell you the stuff they sell is actually really nice.

[713] Well, that's, okay.

[714] But Vanessa, you bring up a really good point, which is one of the things I really like about the show.

[715] And by the way, your cast is great.

[716] And you have Molly Shannon.

[717] Isn't that incredible?

[718] Who's one of my favorite people of all time.

[719] She's so good in your show.

[720] But the point that I wanted to make was that I like that your character's enthusiasm for home shopping and the home shopping network and home shopping shows is genuine and real.

[721] And as long as you play it that way, you actually start to agree.

[722] Like, that was my experience watching it is you're not winking and making fun of this.

[723] Right.

[724] Yeah.

[725] And if you both play that reality, as the viewer, I have respect for it.

[726] Yeah.

[727] That's so nice.

[728] But, I mean, I think that's, if you had been snarky about it, it wouldn't work.

[729] I think that was something, I really appreciate that.

[730] That's something we really, from like day one, my co -creator, Jeremy Biler and I were like, we can't make fun of it because it's first of all I really do love it like I think it's you know incredible but it's also it's just like just kind of what assholes we would be if we were just like up there kind of being like you know like look at this dumb work you know like we really wanted to have respect for the world and and it is like an incredible it's like this huge business of live TV it's like this whole world and I guess now I'm just rambling but yes thank you did you see the rambling like off?

[731] Yeah, it's just right there.

[732] It's right.

[733] I shouldn't have that behind me staring at you.

[734] Well, look.

[735] I just hit this button.

[736] Rambling.

[737] Rambling.

[738] With Jeff Goldblum, I'm just constantly pounding it.

[739] Rambling, rambling, rambling.

[740] No, I think that you've made like a really nice world with this show and I can tell this was, it comes from your personal story to a degree and then you've found all this great stuff with it.

[741] Yeah.

[742] It's really nice.

[743] It's been really fun because the whole world of home shopping is so, it's such a great world to have comedy in because it's like these hosts have to talk for such a long time, you know, and they inevitably start talking about their lives and stuff because it's like that's, you know, and that also makes it relatable and the products relatable.

[744] It makes people think like the hosts are their friends, you know, and stuff.

[745] So it's like, it's such a fun world to like, you know, you know, just play around and people pass around like bloopers from home shopping and stuff, and that's like a big thing.

[746] But I think just the regular home shopping is so entertaining because it's just hearing these hosts talk about their lives and, you know, tell these stories about the products and stuff.

[747] It's like so mesmerizing.

[748] It's so fun to watch.

[749] And so you still watch today.

[750] You still watch.

[751] Yeah.

[752] I mean, especially I got more into it when we were, I kind of got back into it when we were watching, when we were writing the show.

[753] Do you have a working knowledge of their bios now?

[754] Have you pieced everything together?

[755] it just feels like you know, kind of personally?

[756] There's two hosts that I used to watch as a kid, Jane Tracy and Mary Bethrow.

[757] I wish you would said, say it with me. And Jeremy and I took a tour of QVC when we first started working on this show, and we got to meet them.

[758] Like, we got to spend an hour talking to them.

[759] It felt like it was like 10 minutes.

[760] They still work there.

[761] They're still like the most, like, kind of.

[762] iconic host there and they are like they're just incredible to talk to you know like it's just like so yeah so getting to meet them even like after seven years on SNL where I got to meet like a different you know celebrity host and musical guest every week I was like okay this is you know this is the big time this is yeah I was like so star struck yeah yeah I've worked with the biggest stars in film and music but now we're getting serious yeah how many of you made i love that for you we've made eight uh there will be eight in this season and when i say we've made eight does that mean you know eight are done you know like you're still editing you need to not lie to me yeah are they done completely post production edited sound yeah everything's been balanced that's what you need to know okay well no listen then you didn't make eight i'm sorry Now I'm snapping at you again.

[763] I'm sorry.

[764] Contra journalism.

[765] Well, we've exposed you, Vanessa, for the fraud that you are.

[766] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[767] You made eight.

[768] Yeah, but are they done?

[769] Is the sound mixing really done?

[770] Yeah, well, I'm going into sound mix today, so I guess that's the answer is now.

[771] Well, I really like the show so much, and I hope you keep making more and more of them.

[772] Thank you so much.

[773] It's terrific.

[774] I love that for you.

[775] It's really good.

[776] How do people watch it?

[777] So, okay, you can structure.

[778] it wherever you stream showtime, starting on Fridays, like any old Friday, it's out now.

[779] But there's some Fridays where it's forbidden to stream.

[780] So the episodes are on show time.

[781] Are there some Fridays where if you try and stream it, you'll be arrested?

[782] You can, yes, yeah.

[783] Okay, don't do it on that Friday.

[784] But so the new episodes come out every Friday on showtime, wherever you stream showtime, but then they also come out on.

[785] actual Showtime channel.

[786] Is that what we call it?

[787] On Sunday night at 8 .3.

[788] You're asking me, I'm 95 years old.

[789] And I think by the time you hear this, most of them will be out.

[790] Yes.

[791] By the time you heard this, they'll be out.

[792] But please watch this show.

[793] I love that for you because it's so well done and you always make me laugh.

[794] And then sometimes people, especially, you know, after an experience like SNL, they can have a hard time figuring out how do I channel myself in this next project and you've found it, which is so great.

[795] Thanks so much.

[796] Yeah, I'm really...

[797] Well, I couldn't have done it without my internship, let's all be honest.

[798] Well, thank you that we brought it back to, again.

[799] All comedy does come from me eventually.

[800] Oh, boy.

[801] And has, because I travel through time.

[802] So I gave Steve Martin his start and Charlie Chaplin his start.

[803] I'm dangerously mentally ill. I think we've established that.

[804] I think the define comedy comes from.

[805] My favorite thing, I've said this before, and I'll say it again, my favorite thing about this podcast form that I love, I get to sit with you and really have the conversation I've wanted to have.

[806] So this is really nice.

[807] This is what my people call a mitzvah for me. Yes, that's what, I don't know, I don't know what that means.

[808] It's an old Irish term.

[809] It's an old Irish term.

[810] It means a really good potato.

[811] Okay, oh, love that.

[812] Like a really good large potato that goes well with the Guinness.

[813] But Vanessa, thank you so much for being here.

[814] This has been a big treat for us.

[815] This has been so fun.

[816] Thanks so much.

[817] Cool, thank you.

[818] Thank you.

[819] All right, I'm going to let our listeners in behind the scenes here for just a moment.

[820] We've just experienced real technical difficulties.

[821] Yeah, we have.

[822] We were supposed to be joined by Matt Goreley, who has a babysitter emergency.

[823] Yeah.

[824] This is the babysitter that looks after him, apparently, not his child.

[825] And Matt couldn't be on this Zoom.

[826] He was going to be on a Zoom, but there's a technical difficulty.

[827] Yeah.

[828] During this technical difficulty, while we're waiting for him.

[829] Matt, we're sitting here and we're waiting, and you take a phone call from your mom.

[830] Yes.

[831] And suddenly, I'm no longer in the United States.

[832] Okay.

[833] No, now listen, I'm, you know how tolerant I am of other cultures and how much I love the Armenian people.

[834] Do I?

[835] Oh, okay.

[836] But listen, but listen, you started talking in Armenian.

[837] Yes.

[838] Could you give us just a sample of the kinds of things you were saying?

[839] Because I was sitting here, I'm very proud of my people died to come to this country, you know?

[840] Okay.

[841] It was an arduous journey, and they fought hard to carve out a spot here in the United States.

[842] Right.

[843] And so I thought I was here in the U .S. when suddenly I was transported to Armenia.

[844] Well, the United States is a big melting pot.

[845] There are a lot of immigrants here who speak different languages.

[846] And I love that about this country.

[847] Yes.

[848] I really do.

[849] You do sometimes say, what is that mish -mish?

[850] No, no, no. That's insensitive.

[851] I would never say that.

[852] But tell me what you were saying, because it's fascinating to me. I'm sitting here, and I know you as Sona, and suddenly...

[853] Yeah.

[854] Well, tell us what you were saying.

[855] So my mom called, and we are, you know, feeding the boys now is like a process because they're eating more solids and, you know, not as much milk.

[856] And so my mom doesn't fully know yet how to do that and handle it.

[857] So she called me and she was just like, inch anem son, you know, inch time here.

[858] I'm like, mama bar gets off and, you know, is.

[859] Now, what are you saying here?

[860] What is being said?

[861] She's like, I don't know what to do right now.

[862] I'm like, did he sleep and, you know, Gatti, Khmerz, you know, did he drink milk?

[863] Like, but I think that when my mom calls and I start speaking to her in Armenian, you do this, you always do this bit where you're like, what was that?

[864] What was that?

[865] Well, it's very, it's very arresting.

[866] It's very shocking.

[867] I'm just not used to it.

[868] Yeah.

[869] Now, we're here in our new podcast studios and I own this building and I own this podcast studio.

[870] Okay.

[871] And I think of this, tell me if I'm wrong, as sovereign U .S. soil, you know?

[872] Okay.

[873] And am I allowed to forbid you?

[874] No. I'm speaking of foreign language in this building.

[875] No. You're absolutely, that's 100 % not okay to say that someone can't speak a foreign language.

[876] Well, I feel like this is like, you know, the way that an embassy is sacred soil.

[877] You can speak different languages and embassies.

[878] There's nowhere where this is okay that you're talking.

[879] I feel like this is.

[880] All I've ever wanted is my own clubhouse, and now I finally, you know, we've always, you know, I was working at 30 Rock for years, and then I'm working at Warner Brothers.

[881] I'm always there at someone else's behest.

[882] Now finally, Willy Wonka, I'm being Willy Wonka, I have my own chocolate factory.

[883] This is, I'm peewee and this is my playhouse.

[884] And so I do feel like I'm allowed to act like an insane emperor and say things like, what?

[885] What are you speaking?

[886] No more of that.

[887] Only English.

[888] Are you upset that you can't understand it?

[889] and that you wish you could speak another language and be cool, like me?

[890] Like, does, I feel like you're just a little jealous.

[891] I don't think I'm jealous.

[892] You're jealous.

[893] I don't think so.

[894] I think you're jealous, because I can speak another language and I, like, switch on and off.

[895] It's really shocking.

[896] I remember the first time almost 11, 12 years ago, when I heard you talking to your mom outside my door, I had no idea that you spoke this foreign tongue.

[897] But listen, let's do a thing where I speak.

[898] speak to you in English and you answer me in Armenian, okay?

[899] I want people to understand.

[900] Okay.

[901] How are you today, Sona?

[902] Tune shat kesh marteness, but I will I love as chamsida.

[903] Okay.

[904] I wish to sort of sabotage the United States of America.

[905] Will you help me in my evil scheme?

[906] Yeah.

[907] Morda.

[908] Yes, I sang German, mortem, each chemdesad.

[909] Yes.

[910] Bad USA.

[911] Yeah.

[912] We must bring down the bad United States.

[913] Yeah.

[914] We must work within the United States to bring it down as secret spies.

[915] Don't you agree, Sona?

[916] Don't you agree?

[917] Shut abush pan -er -kis -korni.

[918] Stop laughing, spy.

[919] We're here to destroy America from within.

[920] No, no, no, no. Shad Abush -Panerges -Sqqqis -Germ.

[921] Yes, yes.

[922] I agree.

[923] Yeah.

[924] What's attack when they're least expected?

[925] Yeah.

[926] Yes, in the night.

[927] In the night.

[928] What is the plan here?

[929] I don't know, it just sounds, I love that you're, I love that you're probably saying things like, um, they like boiled pork.

[930] No, I'm saying really mean things about you specifically.

[931] Are you really?

[932] Yeah, yeah.

[933] What are you saying?

[934] I'm saying, uh, I hate working here.

[935] Your skin is super white.

[936] I've never seen someone's skin so white before.

[937] Oh, okay.

[938] And, uh, all right.

[939] And then you just kept talking about taking down America.

[940] I don't know.

[941] I don't understand what the plan was.

[942] We're going to attack on the number.

[943] when they expect at least.

[944] We're going to attack who?

[945] Who are we attacking?

[946] I'm not sure.

[947] I didn't have my plan all worked out, but when you answer.

[948] And you're speaking in English, so people know what you're saying.

[949] What is the language that Armenian is closest to?

[950] Is it close to?

[951] No, it's not.

[952] What is it close to?

[953] Well, you know, TAC speaks Russian because he grew up in the Soviet Union.

[954] Right.

[955] And, you know, there's Armenians from Lebanon who speak Arabic.

[956] And there's Armenians from Iran who speak Arabic.

[957] And my parents are from Istanbul, so they speak Turkish, too.

[958] I think this is cool.

[959] I love how multicultural you are, and I love that you're bringing this perspective to the podcast, and all I have to say to you is, in my building, English only, only English.

[960] What are you saying it with an accent?

[961] I don't know.

[962] I say English only.

[963] I still believe that if you speak English with an accent, other people can understand you who don't speak English.

[964] I say English only.

[965] What?

[966] That doesn't make any sense.

[967] My building, English only.

[968] I have no idea.

[969] Yeah, this is insane.

[970] Because I know that it upsets you to speak a different language, I'm only ever going to speak in Armenian from now on.

[971] Okay, so let's wrap up this segment, you and your tongue and me and mine.

[972] Okay, okay.

[973] Oh, gosh, and be gore.

[974] Thank you, Sona.

[975] Thanks for a stop and buy the podcast.

[976] It was nice having you here today.

[977] And how are you, Sona?

[978] Anything to say to the fans before we slip over the rainbow and say good night.

[979] Yeah, Dunaertal, Guzem.

[980] Ah, see, people from different cultures can get along Yeah, to an abush martin Avetto.

[981] Yeah, okay, potatoes, chammuzer, payt shot, Merci.

[982] Doenertal, Guzam.

[983] Oh, no, I like America.

[984] No, I won't attack it.

[985] What is this bit?

[986] I don't know.

[987] I don't understand what the bit.

[988] I like trying to make it sound like you're up to something bad.

[989] Why?

[990] Because it's just as amusing me. But you're saying the English part and you're saying the whole plan in English.

[991] And so I don't understand what the thing is.

[992] What's the bit?

[993] We're like planning a thing, but your part is in English and you're saying what the plan is in English?

[994] What's happening?

[995] I love what's the bit.

[996] What's the bit here?

[997] What's the bit?

[998] Why don't you trust me?

[999] I'm the bit captain.

[1000] I've been in the bit business for a long time.

[1001] Just trust me. No, this bit doesn't make sense.

[1002] Don't say bit captain in the bit business.

[1003] All right.

[1004] We're out.

[1005] We're out.

[1006] This was a wasted time.

[1007] Good night to all of you.

[1008] It was a wasted segment.

[1009] Say good night.

[1010] and your own special tongue.

[1011] Kishar party.

[1012] Mm, brev.

[1013] Inch, but second, love him.

[1014] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1015] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1016] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1017] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1018] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1019] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1020] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1021] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer, is Jennifer Samples.

[1022] Engineering by Will Bechton.

[1023] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1024] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1025] Got a question for Conan?

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[1029] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.