Stop Projecting Adult Expectations On Your Kids

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[24] So do you have a child who's not living up to your expectations?

[25] Well, of course you do, right?

[26] And so you're looking at this child, whether he's four or 14, and you're thinking, oh, what's going to happen with his child in the future?

[27] How is he ever going to be successful?

[28] Who's going to marry him?

[29] Who would possibly hire him?

[30] And you're thinking he's going to be living in my basement until he's 33, and all of your anxiety kicks in, and it only makes things worse.

[31] So I'm going to show you a different way today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[32] So welcome.

[33] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[34] You can find us at Celebrate Calm.

[35] You can find us at Celebrate Calm If you need help, reach out to our strong -willed son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[36] Of course, he didn't live up to my expectations when he was little.

[37] I'll share a little bit about that, but he is an awesome young man now, and he will help you.

[38] Tell us about your family.

[39] We'll give you some hints, some strategies, some tips, some insight that you need.

[40] If you're interested in any of our programs, Casey can put together a custom package for you within your budget.

[41] Right now, we've got a big sale going on at Celebrate Calm .com, and we're featuring the no BS program.

[42] And so every couple times a month, I'll do some kind of no BS podcasts, and this is one of those.

[43] So if you're interested, look at it's 25 action steps, it's awesome, especially if you have older kids.

[44] You can work through this, and it's very, very practical, and you'll see a lot of changes very quickly.

[45] So here's what I want to focus on this week.

[46] Very specific thing.

[47] I want you to stop projecting your adult expectations onto your kids.

[48] because look, you're 40, or you're 32 or 35 or 43 or 50 or 55 like me. We're grown adults.

[49] You need to be disciplined.

[50] You need to follow through.

[51] You need to make good choices because you're 40 or 50, right?

[52] You're responsible for your spouse and kids.

[53] You're responsible to other adults.

[54] You've got a reputation to build and protect.

[55] But your child is three or four or six or seven or nine or 11 or 14 or 17.

[56] He doesn't have to exhibit all those qualities that you want.

[57] Yet, he doesn't.

[58] She doesn't.

[59] See, I took care when we lived in the house in the suburbs, right?

[60] I was in my 40s and I owned my own home and I wanted my lawn to look really good.

[61] And so when Casey would cut the grass, he'd do a half job, you know what I mean, and left little like mohawk patches throughout the lawn.

[62] And I remember I used to come home and I'd be like, son, get outside.

[63] And I make them like crawl on the grass and look at all the spots that he missed because that's what my dad did to me, right?

[64] And I would lecture him, you know what, you need to do everything with excellent son.

[65] How are you ever going to be successful if you can't execute simple commands like this, right?

[66] And I was like, well, I cared about my grass because I was 40 and I paid a lot of money for that home and I wanted to look nice.

[67] But at the time, he's a 13 year old kid.

[68] He doesn't care about grass or a lawn.

[69] He cares about video games and girls, right?

[70] And so, well, yes, should he be respectful, of course, but I'm projecting what's important to me at age 40 onto a 13 -year -old, right?

[71] And you're looking at that toddler who won't sit still, won't eat dinner, won't do simple things that you expect, and you're already projecting your anxiety onto that child.

[72] Why?

[73] Because she can't sit still in circle time.

[74] And you've got a call from the school.

[75] Look, look, this is a ticking time bomb that's happening with that younger child because I can guarantee you with almost 100 % certainty, right?

[76] And that's kind of the no BS process, which is, I've done this with a million families.

[77] I know if you have a strong will child, you are going to get calls from the preschool from the school.

[78] Well, you know, your daughter's not following directions.

[79] And when I try to talk to her, she just gets up and walks around and she won't sit still in circle time.

[80] And we think there's an issue here.

[81] I'm like, no, the issue is that your expectations are off, that she is actually a four -year -old girl doing what she's supposed to do, which is be curious and explore.

[82] And sometimes I joke, especially when I train teachers, I'm like, listen, I know why you do circle time, but it's kind of stupid, because after you're four or five, you never have to sit still in a circle, right?

[83] Nobody at your office today is going to be like, listen, Elizabeth, Frank, three o 'clock in the conference room, circle time.

[84] Right?

[85] It's an arbitrary standard that we somehow came up with that said, well, little kids are supposed to sit still in a circle time.

[86] Why?

[87] No, they're not.

[88] For one, it's really, really uncomfortable for many of your kids, especially those with sensory issues, to sit crisscross applesauce.

[89] I hate crisscross applesauce.

[90] It's not comfortable.

[91] What is more natural is for them to move a lot and to explore and to make messes and to build things and have them fall down and learn for.

[92] from it.

[93] That's the proper expectation.

[94] It doesn't mean that we're like, oh, well, therefore, we're just going to let them do whatever they want.

[95] Not at all.

[96] No, not at all.

[97] But I'm going to give that child tools and your strong will child.

[98] If they're in my preschool class, oh, they're doing jobs for me. They're doing more grown -up jobs.

[99] I'm going to make it a challenge.

[100] I'm going to give them a lot of positive intensity when they do things well instead of picking out everything they do wrong.

[101] Because if you don't change this when they're toddlers, it is a ticking time bomb that builds over time.

[102] And those of you, because I'm doing a lot of phone consultations lately with parents of older kids, I'm like, this is what happened.

[103] It started when they were young, could never please anyone, could never live up to anyone's expectations, and the anger and the resentment begins to build and it keeps building.

[104] So say you've got a third grader.

[105] Well, a third grader, fourth grader, fifth grader, second grader, they're going to make impulsive decisions because they want to be funny in class and they're going to test the boundaries and they're going to get in trouble, right?

[106] And we look at them and you're acting like he's a 35 -year -old working for a corporation somewhere.

[107] No, he's not.

[108] He's a seven or eight or nine or ten -year -old who's supposed to do this now so he doesn't do it when he's an adult, right?

[109] But you're projecting your adult expectations onto a child.

[110] That middle school child who will make every excuse under the sun, often very convincingly, of why he can't go outside.

[111] get exercise so that he can sit and play video games for 10 hours a day or he lies about doing assignments because he knows you can't really follow through because you're going to be like well that that assignment was marked incomplete oh no mom i turned that in it's just that the teacher hasn't graded it yet so in the system it just shows up is incomplete but i got it done well no he didn't he probably just lied to you because he wants to do the minimal work necessary in school right so that he can play video games or do what he wants.

[112] I'm not saying it's right.

[113] I'm saying that's pretty normal and that's what happens.

[114] And so we come along, right, justifiably and get on that child, but then we pronounce a curse on him.

[115] Well, you've always taken the easy way out.

[116] Why can't you ever be honest?

[117] You always give up when things get hard, right?

[118] You're not measuring up now.

[119] Your brother and sister and all the other kids do it right and you don't how are you ever going to be successful and now you just doomed that child do you know what that does to a child when you in a sense you place a curse on their past their present and their future you think that's motivating it's not and you worse you doomed your relationship with your child because all your middle schooler is doing is being a middle schooler and i'm not saying you shouldn't shut off the video games and and take away the phone and get them outside of course you but don't let your judgments and verdicts from your mouth speak death to your child's spirit or they will resist you and shut down and get very, very angry, right?

[120] That high schooler who's floating kind of has a bad attitude.

[121] What are you expecting him to get up early, go to the gym at 6 a .m. like you, wear nice clothes and a white button down shirt, right?

[122] And approaches studies like he's getting paid $75 ,000 a year?

[123] No, that's the stage of life you're in.

[124] But that's not what you did when you were his age, unless you were overly responsible, in which case now you're probably overly resentful, right?

[125] Because if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you weren't all that motivated and disciplined and sharp when you were a kid either.

[126] You made stupid mistakes and got in trouble and goofed off because that's what it's called to be a kid, right?

[127] And so I was talking to this mom, doing a phone consultation.

[128] Mom's like, well, how patient do I need to be?

[129] and my initial instinct to say, well, what the heck are your options?

[130] I mean, really, what are you going to give consequences to a child who literally doesn't care about consequences?

[131] Or you're going to threaten something and cause them to dig in deeper, right, or plead with your child, right?

[132] And then you're going to reinforce that your child is a failure and has no hope unless he cares about school.

[133] And school for many of your kids is a system that's nothing more than a bunch of arbitrary standards that your kids can't live up to, right?

[134] And it has no predictive value of life success for your kids.

[135] Now, I just did two podcasts on how to help your kids in school and with homework.

[136] So we can give them tools to help them learn better, to process information better, do homework more quickly.

[137] We can do that.

[138] But don't confuse all of these arbitrary standards with something that's real, right?

[139] What are your, what are your options here the fact is it's your very pressure and expectations that have played a part in your child shutting down why because no matter how well your child has done before it's never been good enough for you or because you compared him to siblings or peers and so watch what happens your child internalizes very early on that parents and teachers never really accept me as i am everybody spends all their time trying to fix me and change me instead of accepting me and you spend all of your time trying to tell me what I'm not doing right and at the end of the day what they want to always ask is why don't you ever notice when I do things well right and so the child grows up feeling like a bad kid and a stupid kid and so you know what they say why even try why even try and that makes sense doesn't it right like why why would you try if you can never please someone else.

[140] And so I was talking to this mom and I was like, how long do you need to be patient, right, as if it's up to you to decide the course of your child's life?

[141] See, we create all kinds of artificial timelines where their kids, well, by the age of this, they're supposed to be doing that.

[142] Who's sad?

[143] Right?

[144] That's not woven into humanity.

[145] Every child's a little bit different.

[146] Many of your kids are going to lag for a while in one area, but be way ahead in another area.

[147] And then they'll start to start to start.

[148] stagnate in that area and you're going to want to pull your hair out like oh what are they going to grow when are they going to progress and then they'll jump forward because they don't grow in a linear fashion your kids have their own timeline and you can't force it you can't push it you have to learn how they're made and you have to work at it because how wait has it ever worked when you pushed your child right it doesn't work they resist more and they shut down and you know why they do that part of it is to protect their hearts because many of your kids from the time they were little have felt like something's wrong with them nobody's happy with me and so they feel stupid and bad and that hurts a lot right to go through life like that why who wakes up in the morning thinking huh i want to do things every day that make people not like me and so i lose all my stuff there's something deeper going on that we have to get to and so they're protecting themselves because if they step out and try something and then you're there or a teacher is there to point out what they did wrong, they just failed.

[149] But if they just shut down and don't do it anymore, well, they're not failing anymore, and that feels like it's in their control.

[150] It's really interesting how that works, right?

[151] So it's not really a choice of yours, of how patient.

[152] It's about your child and your child's path, not yours and how it makes you feel.

[153] I get it.

[154] We had a very strong -willed child in Casey.

[155] And so often it was like, oh, when's he going to get it?

[156] When is he finally going to be responsible?

[157] When's he going to see that you can't do that?

[158] Like all those things.

[159] But eventually we had to see that projecting our expectations, adult expectations, and projecting our anxiety to him actually made things much worse.

[160] And so I'd encourage you, go back to step 12 of the No BS program.

[161] It's called the no BS instruction manual for strong -willed children because everybody says, like, we should have an instruction manual for this child.

[162] So we created something you should have been given at the hospital when you had this child because you knew he was already difficult even from the time you got pregnant because he kicked all through pregnancy, came out, probably colicky or something else, right?

[163] And so we developed this to be 25 action steps, especially if your kids are a little bit older and they've shut down a little bit.

[164] Go through this.

[165] And step number 12 is to apologize.

[166] I apologize.

[167] I apologize for always being on you.

[168] I apologize for always lecturing too much and never being pleased really with anything that you do.

[169] I apologize for always picking out your faults but not noticing the good things that you do.

[170] Right.

[171] And there are other steps of releasing your child from those expectations so that they can be who they're supposed to be, not who you wanted them to be and not who their brother or sister is.

[172] It's a very powerful step.

[173] But after you do that, we've got to break that pattern and control our control our ourselves.

[174] And so I encourage you, stop micromanaging everything.

[175] Stop comparing them to the standards you have for yourself.

[176] Of course, they're never going to measure up to that.

[177] Stop projecting into the future.

[178] They're not going to be like this when they're 24 or when they're 34.

[179] They're going to grow up and change immature.

[180] And they're going to learn from their mistakes.

[181] You know how they're going to learn?

[182] The hard way, because your kids are stove touchers.

[183] And that's going to drive you crazy, but don't shortcut the process.

[184] But what I constantly see in here as I talk to parents is this.

[185] All of the lectures, all of the pointing out of the negatives has only had two effects.

[186] One, the child's behavior usually gets worse because the child knows he can never please or satisfy your anxiety and your artificial arbitrary standards so he shuts down or resists more.

[187] And number two, you end up ruining your relationship with your child.

[188] Because you know why?

[189] Because he knows deep down that in some ways you really don't like this child and you don't believe in him.

[190] And so he won't come to you.

[191] He won't trust you.

[192] and that is a recipe for utter disaster because a child untethered to a healthy relationship with his parents becomes rudderless, feels bad about himself, and seeks out all kinds of negative behavior, and we don't want that.

[193] So let's take this to heart.

[194] Let's work on this this week.

[195] Examine your expectations.

[196] Release your child from arbitrary ones.

[197] Go through those 25 action steps in that program.

[198] I promise you will change things very, very quickly with your kids.

[199] I guarantee they will respond to it.

[200] Control your anxiety.

[201] Affirm your child for what he is doing well rather than trying to fix everything that is wrong.

[202] Does that make sense?

[203] Thank you for being a good parent.

[204] If we can help you, reach out to Casey.

[205] We will do whatever we can to help you.

[206] If you want to set up a live event, we're starting to do live events again.

[207] We're coming to Atlanta in a couple weeks.

[208] It's going to be awesome.

[209] And so reach out to us.

[210] We'd love to come to your school, church, synagogue, mosque.

[211] uh foster care adoption care corporation anywhere just invite us probably come because we want to get out of here our houses too okay but uh let's know how we can help you love you all bye bye