Paul Reubens

[0] Hello.

[1] My name is Paul Rubens, aka you know who, the artist formerly known as Prince.

[2] And I want to say right now at this very moment that I feel fantastic about being...

[3] That's so sweet, do you really?

[4] I really do.

[5] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to need.

[6] friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend Another installment of the podcast which is It's been a lot of fun It really has been What?

[7] Every time you start You're just like I'm having a really great time Just a chill podcast bro Yeah Just talking to a lot of People I'm sorry I'm not criticizing I'm going to start again I'll do it No but you know Yeah it's cool Okay Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[8] This is a top -notch podcast.

[9] If you're looking for a podcast, don't waste time dicking around with those other audio shows, as they're called in the industry.

[10] No one calls them that.

[11] You want Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[12] We get right to the heart of the matter.

[13] We're not screwing around on this podcast.

[14] This is a juggernaut.

[15] No, does people say juggernaut anymore?

[16] Yeah, but we screw around a lot.

[17] That's true.

[18] Yeah.

[19] Anyway, I think we are a ruthless podcast.

[20] We're a machine.

[21] We're a death machine.

[22] We get out there and we just, we cast that pod like no one.

[23] I'm sick of all this humble, you know, hey, welcome to Coonerbyne's a friend.

[24] You know, I just have a good time.

[25] And, you know, who knew?

[26] Well, I always knew.

[27] This thing is built to destroy and eat galaxies.

[28] This podcast absorbs the light.

[29] around it and turns it into dark energy that will fuel more death eating machines.

[30] That's why I'm going to start describing this podcast.

[31] No more of that humble Conan.

[32] This is the new Conan.

[33] How are you, Sona?

[34] Humble Conan?

[35] Yeah.

[36] Okay.

[37] The one who compares himself to Mozart.

[38] Well, just in my musical ability.

[39] That's all.

[40] Gourley, you're joining us as well.

[41] Yeah, I'm fucking charged at this new podcast energy.

[42] This is the new energy.

[43] I'm sick of this.

[44] You know, welcome to Conan Viney's a friend.

[45] and, you know, having a good time, but who knew?

[46] And it's just kind of nice.

[47] No, this is the Death Star of Podcasts.

[48] Yeah, that noise screams Death Star.

[49] You're really intimidating.

[50] You're so scary sometimes.

[51] That this podcast, it blows up worlds.

[52] Blows them up by shooting that weird triangular laser beam that came out of that Death Star.

[53] Hyper Crystal, ready.

[54] What's that?

[55] That's made from chiber crystals.

[56] Don't do that.

[57] Yeah, we're a real cool podcast.

[58] It's true.

[59] It's true.

[60] I mean, it's just a fact.

[61] We're talking about the new movie Star Wars.

[62] If you're just tuning in, the pretenders have hit the charts again.

[63] And we're all excited about Joni loves Chachi.

[64] Up to the date.

[65] Wow, what a death eating podcast we've got here.

[66] What a death store of a podcast.

[67] Yeah, let's fuck it up.

[68] Star Wars references.

[69] Yeah, we got it going.

[70] Elvis has days to live.

[71] live.

[72] It's August 1977.

[73] Uh huh.

[74] Wasn't Jaws good last year?

[75] Look, someone's going to tune in.

[76] Someone's going to listen and then write us and say, incorrect.

[77] True, but still a juggernaut in 76.

[78] Anyway, um, wow.

[79] You've said juggernaut twice.

[80] I'm going to start seeing euggernaut.

[81] Okay.

[82] That's right, because you say jiff.

[83] That's a jiff.

[84] Yeah.

[85] I like a soft G. Yeah.

[86] Am I Matt Jorley?

[87] Yeah.

[88] To me, you're always, you've always been Matt Jorley.

[89] No. Yeah.

[90] It's true.

[91] I just put a penny in the slot, and I got a nice jumb ball that I chewed up.

[92] No, no good.

[93] That was a good sound effect.

[94] A real death star.

[95] Mn -g -n -n -gum -gum -gum.

[96] Sorry.

[97] But this is stupid.

[98] Is it true that I make sound effects when you eat, Sona?

[99] Well, no. You do this.

[100] Whenever you take a bite, I go chomp when you take a bite.

[101] Women don't like when I do that.

[102] They take a bite and I go chomp!

[103] It makes them very self -conscious about their eating.

[104] Yeah.

[105] I used to think that would get me a date.

[106] It turned out not to be true.

[107] Oh, okay.

[108] I was single for many years.

[109] You should go opposite of your instincts.

[110] I used to, when I was a dating man way back in the day, I, you know, I wouldn't even know.

[111] When I was a dating man. When I was a dating fellow, when mother would let me out on a date.

[112] Mother, I'm off, you'll be home soon.

[113] Please, please, mother.

[114] I just want to take Esmeralda out for some ungo -a -moly.

[115] But anyway, I used to, whenever my date would take a bite, I'd go, jump!

[116] Oh, God.

[117] And then they would say I'm out of here.

[118] Yeah.

[119] Didn't you tell me that when you went out with Liza, you were doing your murder bit where you tell call people murder Yeah when I went on my first real date with my wife I was It wasn't just that I mutter a lot and I like Popeye and I was doing it to see if she's gonna like me we might as well find out now Yeah So the cabby was saying Which what do you want to go I'm like I'll tell you what I go Oh my God And I was doing all my little voices And weird things that I do And she thought Oh he's insane She said she was right But then she But I said if I thought And I think wisely If she can clear that hurdle Which she did Then we're golden Nice Yeah And we've been married now 17 years There was a six year period There was a six year period there Where she moved out And refused to speak to me She said I was an awful man But then she moved back in So we're good Okay Anyway This is neither here Nor there We got people to interview and one person in particular today because this podcast is not just us it's also the wonderful people who come on the program and we have a fantastic guest today my guest today is beloved he's the creator of the iconic character Pee Wee Herman he started in the television series Pee Wee's Playhouse and the hilarious film Peewee's Big Adventure he is currently touring cities across the country on the Peewee's Big Adventure 35th anniversary tour I can't believe it's been 35 years and what a hilarious movie we're very excited he's with us today Paul Rubens is here Hey Paul You showed up and the first thing you did was demand hand sanitizer That's right And you said that you were petrified of catching a cold Whoa, it's flu season I want to remind you That's very good You suddenly were doing a public service announcement Well I mean I'm kind of a walking public service announcement I mean And also can I just say this You applied it on your hands I think for a full 10 minutes Liberally.

[120] Liberally.

[121] And can other people jump in if I'm telling the truth?

[122] You're still in, thankfully.

[123] There is a lot.

[124] And you rub your hands for a long time as if you were not sanitizing your hands, but planning world domination.

[125] I want to just say that I thought the hand sanitized the thing was off limits.

[126] But apparently not.

[127] Nothing's off limits here.

[128] This podcast is on the edge.

[129] Wow.

[130] You like that?

[131] Yeah.

[132] Being as edgy as I am.

[133] Yeah.

[134] As zedgy.

[135] Oh, Zedgy.

[136] Very nice.

[137] You imp.

[138] You imp, you imp, imp?

[139] Yeah.

[140] Who doesn't love you?

[141] I mean, seriously, you're...

[142] You know, I wake up feeling that in the morning when I get up.

[143] I'm like, who doesn't love me?

[144] And then, you know, all day long and I'm reminded of all the people who don't.

[145] Oh, okay.

[146] Well, just try and take that good feel in the morning and then stretch that out for the whole day.

[147] Speaking to public service announcements, there you go.

[148] Yeah, we should all feel better about ourselves.

[149] This message brought to you.

[150] We should.

[151] When I first started watching Pee We's Playhouse, my thought was, how did this get on TV?

[152] At that time, many of the people who were in charge of children's programming were severe alcoholics.

[153] And I had no idea what it was.

[154] I'm just kidding.

[155] If, Judy, if you're listening, I'm just joking.

[156] And Judy, you know who you are.

[157] Yes, she does.

[158] And she's absolutely, I think, a T -Toler or so.

[159] Yeah, please.

[160] She took it as a joke.

[161] We're talking about Dame Judy Dent, shall we not?

[162] Exactly.

[163] Okay.

[164] I used to be head of CBS Children's Programming.

[165] But anyway...

[166] Not to name drop.

[167] Yeah.

[168] CPS.

[169] Yeah.

[170] Nice.

[171] That's a real network.

[172] Yeah.

[173] It is.

[174] I...

[175] That's the noise I make to fill when I don't know what to say next.

[176] I love that noise and I'm going to copy that.

[177] Did they really not know what was going on?

[178] Because it was such a strange show and still remains a brilliantly strange and innovative show.

[179] But in those times, did they not know what this was?

[180] You know.

[181] I don't have any idea of what they knew.

[182] Did they give you notes on the show?

[183] Did they say things like?

[184] They gave me very few notes.

[185] The first note we ever got, we maybe got four notes in five years.

[186] And the first note I ever got, which, by the way, just is the first thing in the very first episode, so was a note I didn't follow.

[187] But they said, you can't stick pencils and potatoes.

[188] What?

[189] I think because it was dangerous or it was a weapon or whatever.

[190] Right.

[191] And I said, why?

[192] And they went, okay, you can.

[193] So I think they just said it because they wanted a note and they didn't have a reason, so they let me do it.

[194] And it's the first thing we did, as I just mentioned.

[195] I have found over the years, many years in television, thank you.

[196] I'm glad you like my work.

[197] I'm filling in stuff that you could be saying.

[198] But that's ridiculous.

[199] Please, Paul, I'm just a person, just not a guy.

[200] Right.

[201] Well, gosh, I mean, I'd have to be really quick, right?

[202] No, no, no. I'm not.

[203] So, I mean, you know, they have this thing called waiting a beat.

[204] Yeah, yeah.

[205] There's no time.

[206] I'm not going to live long.

[207] All right.

[208] I hope that's wrong.

[209] I really sincerely hope that that's wrong.

[210] I have a diet very high in saturated fats.

[211] I have found in my years of television that they often give notes because they have to give notes.

[212] Now, sometimes they give really good notes.

[213] And I've had many good notes in my career.

[214] but I've also had them say things where it's clear they're getting a paycheck they need to say something and so they desperately say something like no corn on the cob can never be mentioned never mentioned corn on the cob and you don't know what they're talking about and they say it I know who gave, I know that I have had that same note that's the corn on the cob girl she gives that note to every single Shailene Shailene the corn on the cob girl always gives that note she's been giving that note for over 75 years and started in radio with that note.

[215] smart at her and took the corn off the cob before they saw her.

[216] I love it.

[217] She had nowhere to go.

[218] I love it.

[219] This is going to go all over the place because that's my style.

[220] I'll be the judge of that, by the way.

[221] Thank you.

[222] Go ahead.

[223] I love the fact that maybe once or twice a year my phone will light up.

[224] It'll be either on my birthday or it'll be on Halloween and you'll send me the nicest little gifts and animations on my phone.

[225] And on my birthday, you bombard my phone and I've shown it to you, Sona, It happened on this podcast.

[226] It happened on this.

[227] That's right.

[228] It happened on the podcast.

[229] I think that was Halloween.

[230] It was Halloween, and you cannot imagine how many people have told me about it.

[231] Like I didn't know, you know, like when people go, like, remember when you sent Conan a GIF?

[232] Yeah.

[233] GIF.

[234] Don't say Jif.

[235] Well, Sona, tell him how it's pronounced.

[236] I think it's technically pronounced Jif.

[237] Did you just take his side?

[238] I'm sorry.

[239] Sona, whenever I turn to you and I say, can you please, tell celebrity guest what the real deal is, always think of what I said and then make sure it lines up with what I said.

[240] Let's go to the Urban Dictionary.

[241] Paul, it's pronounced a gift.

[242] I would know.

[243] I think it's actually either one.

[244] Either one you like.

[245] Well, I don't want to get, I'm so it's been a long time since I've been that angry and I apologize.

[246] I flew off the handle.

[247] But it was, we were here, we were shooting a podcast, taping a podcast, whatever the kids say.

[248] And my phone makes a like a little vibrating sound because I'm kind enough to turn off the noise.

[249] And I look and there's a dancing animated sketch.

[250] Gelletan, wishing me a happy Halloween, and it's from you.

[251] But the really impressive thing is, on my birthday, you do it all day long.

[252] You start early in the morning, and you go all day, and I am such a child.

[253] I go, look what Paul Rubin set me. And it's a jiff that anyone can send, but I'm so delighted that it came from you.

[254] And it's always this great 1930s, 1940s animation, and it's, you know, happy birthday stuff.

[255] It's really fun.

[256] I like it myself.

[257] I'm happy to, and I do it all day long like you just said.

[258] I'm just going to repeat what you just said.

[259] I know, but what I'm curious about is, on that day, on my birthday, April 18th, everybody.

[260] When is it?

[261] April 18th.

[262] So you haven't had it yet this year?

[263] No. In 2020.

[264] Is this 2020?

[265] Yeah.

[266] You don't know when this is going to air, but I think it's going to air before April.

[267] But I'm going to tell you this.

[268] On April 18th, and please, if you have to get me a gift, you know.

[269] I'm getting you a gift.

[270] not a gift multiple gifts quite a few as you just mentioned to all your readers I mean your listeners they're readers this is put out as a magazine really yeah this is we're doing this we tape it and then we have a very nice person here at the show who types it out in a stenography pool and then sends it off and it's distributed as a magazine it does very poorly wow it's a very bad idea we lose a lot of money on it the point is this you clearly spent your whole day thinking I got to send Conan some more.

[271] I got to send Conan some more.

[272] And that meant that I was on your mind all day on my birthday.

[273] You know what's really on my mind on your birthday and many other people's birthdays?

[274] You wouldn't know, so I'm going to tell you.

[275] I'm, this is so weird because I do it anyway, but I'm like kind of paranoid that I'm overdoing it, which I am overdoing it, obviously.

[276] It's funny how you overdo it, yeah.

[277] I kind of like, you know, is so and so, is Conan going like, oh my God, like will he stop?

[278] I mean, and I think, like, you're not in a position to really, like, reign on my parade in this particular kind of thing.

[279] You can't, like, text me. I mean, you could, but you would be...

[280] If I said stop sending me happy dancing birthday cakes, then I'm a jerk, yeah.

[281] So I feel like, like, I'm kind of, like I'm...

[282] Oh, there's an edge of cruelty to it.

[283] Well, no, there's an edge of, like, schizophrenia about it because I'm really literally going, wow, should I do it again?

[284] you know, is, you know, what time is it?

[285] Is it dinner time?

[286] And then I think like, yeah, send.

[287] Right.

[288] Send, send.

[289] You did it right up until almost midnight.

[290] Just before midnight, you squeezed one in under the wire.

[291] I wasn't sure where you were either.

[292] Oh, you know, I do go past midnight also sometimes thinking like if you're still up, it's still your birthday.

[293] That's my thought on it.

[294] Right.

[295] I mean, maybe your readers want to like chime in on that and say they don't agree with that kind of think, where they pronounce it Jeff.

[296] No, it's Jiff.

[297] I think it's Giff.

[298] I go with Giff.

[299] And you know what, I'm just going to put that out there in the universe.

[300] I'm going with GIF and let's all agree on GIF, okay?

[301] No, I make noises here.

[302] I can't believe you're making my noise over there.

[303] I thought I changed it up a little.

[304] You did change it.

[305] Yours is less desperate than, mine's more I've got a milky.

[306] Yours had, yours was drier.

[307] Mine was like a little flavor of early Jerry.

[308] that would be Jerry Orbach Jerry Herman Jerry Lewis Jerry Lewis Yeah I don't know why I'm bringing Jerry Lewis Well first of all I'm going to notice that many of your references today date from the 40s and 50s The 1940s and 50s I like to make references from the 2000 40s and 50s Because I see well into the future Yes I do But we'll get there Mine are all really old references as you just said You know because I've noticed that you love old show business and I know that as a kid I mean your first love was the circus you wanted to join the circus or you did join the circus or you did want to I did want to yeah and I did join no I didn't join it what would you have done in the circus was there was just practicing just like yes one line you know one word answers just for just one second I won't do it again okay no and do you like that yes and you did murder mm But you thought about joining the circus.

[309] So you loved old -time show business.

[310] You know what?

[311] We moved, when I was a little kid around fifth grade, fourth grade, we moved to Sarasota, Florida, from upstate New York.

[312] And Sarasota at that time was the winter headquarters of the Ringling Brothers Circus.

[313] And so to me, I already was obsessed with show business and wanting to be an actor and perform.

[314] Right.

[315] And so when I got to Florida and you could.

[316] walk in the supermarket and go circus, circus, circus, normal person, circus performer, regular person, circus performer.

[317] I was so excited by that.

[318] And I kind of thought this is as close.

[319] I may never get closer than this as terms of show business.

[320] So I kind of panicked a little bit and thought, you know, maybe you should figure out what you could do in the circus if you don't actually ever get to Hollywood or New York.

[321] Because when I was even younger, When we lived in upstate New York, I would sit on the floor watching I Love Lucy or watching my dad watch like Phil Silver's show, Sergeant Bilko.

[322] And I would watch my dad laughing at that.

[323] Or I would be watching Lucille Ball and laughing my head off and thinking like, I would look around and I'd be like, this can't be my real life.

[324] Like, these can't be my real parents.

[325] And like, you know.

[326] I've got to get into this somehow.

[327] Yeah, how am I ever going to get out of Oneon to New York and get to Hollywood?

[328] What this would be when I would be like four years old.

[329] Yeah, but you took it a step further.

[330] You actually tried to get jobs.

[331] Didn't you like write Walt Disney a letter?

[332] I did write Walt Disney.

[333] Well, you know a lot of stuff.

[334] I wrote Walt Disney a letter.

[335] I waited by the mailbox for months for an answer.

[336] The letter came with a recording.

[337] I recorded a song and sent it to Walt Disney also.

[338] And it was on a real -to -reel.

[339] and it was me singing Haley Mills song, Let's Get Together from the Parent Trap.

[340] And my letter was like, Dear Mr. Disney, I am so much better than Kevin Corcoran.

[341] He was like Moochi.

[342] He was the kid who was in every Disney.

[343] You wrote a letter that said, Hey, that guy who's your Disney star, I'm better than him.

[344] Yes.

[345] You should see me, Mr. Disney, because I am so way better than this other kid.

[346] That's incredible.

[347] Yeah.

[348] And then, of course, you enclose the tape of you singing, and you get a letter back from Walt Disney.

[349] No. Oh, no. I wouldn't say that part.

[350] No, no. I waited every day by the mailbox and nothing ever came.

[351] Maybe he passed away around then.

[352] It's possible that...

[353] You know, he could have...

[354] Actually, I checked to make sure that he was still alive each day.

[355] They said the day he died, he opened a letter and got really mad and then dropped dead.

[356] That's a true story.

[357] They said he opened a letter, a recording fell out.

[358] Walt Disney was...

[359] He listened to my recording and dropped dead.

[360] No, no, no. Walt Disney he was enraged at the effrontery that someone said I'm so much better than who you've got he said what child would have the nerve and then he just dropped.

[361] That's what I've always been told.

[362] I know the answer to that too.

[363] I'll tell you what child would have the nerve and that would be Kevin Corcoran's sister, Noreen Corcoran.

[364] Oh man. Who was also a child actress.

[365] She was older than him and she was the daughter.

[366] You know, maybe some of your listeners right now could get out their smartphones and look up Noreen Corcoran.

[367] Noreen Corcoran.

[368] IMDB or wherever you look that.

[369] If you're driving, don't do that.

[370] And also, it's a reference that even the phone will probably blow up.

[371] And probably no one cares really except me, but I care so deeply.

[372] You care very deeply about Noreen Corcoran.

[373] Norin, if you're listening right now, good luck, because I think she's passed away.

[374] But no, she probably hasn't.

[375] Oh, my God.

[376] Well, you're a terrible.

[377] Uh -oh, there you go right there.

[378] Maureen Corcoran, she was the daughter on, she did pass away.

[379] Yeah.

[380] She passed away today.

[381] No, not really.

[382] Today, he passed away quite a while.

[383] Well, this is just a downer all the way around.

[384] And a terrible moment for podcasting, I just want to say.

[385] What date is today?

[386] Well, we never give you.

[387] Oh, we can't say, but you know.

[388] Guide on what I think might be today.

[389] I'm not kidding you.

[390] Is that today?

[391] January 15th.

[392] Was that yesterday?

[393] What's today?

[394] Today's the 17th.

[395] Wait, you managed to bring up this woman who nobody listening knows about.

[396] And then we check into her and we find out that she died on the day that we're recording this podcast.

[397] Don't forget.

[398] Noreen.

[399] I forgot her name already.

[400] Oh, for God's sake, you just said it.

[401] Noraine Corcoran sent you.

[402] It's like a large March sent you kind of story.

[403] You know, I'll never forget the first time I met Norian Corcoran on a night just like this.

[404] I knew everything about every child star at the time.

[405] And Haley Mills was my all -time obsession.

[406] You desperately wanted to be a child star and you were angry at the existing child stars is because you thought you were better.

[407] Did you, be honest, demonstrably have better skills than they did at the time?

[408] Absolutely.

[409] I mean, I wish there was someone around who could back that up, but, you know, there isn't.

[410] Could you dance?

[411] I mean, I wanted to be an entertainer when I was a kid, and I made my parents get me tap dancing lessons.

[412] Oh, my God.

[413] Because I thought, and this is like the 1970s, I thought that you needed to know how to tap dance to be in show business, because the only movies thing.

[414] You did.

[415] Yes.

[416] At one point.

[417] No, in the 30s.

[418] In the 1930s.

[419] In the 1930s.

[420] In the 70s, you needed to know Martin Scorsese and, you know, you needed to have a brooding, you know, sort of cloud over your head.

[421] No, there was no, I don't know why I got that misinformation.

[422] This makes so much, now I understand why you insist on tap dancing at all your parties.

[423] I never connected what that was about.

[424] I make everyone sit.

[425] And then they hear me. Everyone's happy to do it, seriously.

[426] They love it.

[427] They love watching you tap.

[428] You often leave halfway through, I'm noticing.

[429] It's a 40 -minute routine.

[430] I'm just going outside to have like a, you know, take a deep breath.

[431] It's just to collect myself because I'm so blown away by your tapping.

[432] So are you, to this day, do you wish you'd been a child star?

[433] I mean, it all worked out so well for you.

[434] Yes, no, when I actually finally, quote unquote, made it in Hollywood, I was so happy that I was older.

[435] You know, I was in my late 70s, I think, when that happened.

[436] Right.

[437] And I was very, very happy that I didn't make it as.

[438] It's like a teenager or a 20 -year -old.

[439] It goes so badly for anyone who gets in as a child.

[440] So badly that the only example they have of it going well is Jody Foster.

[441] Of all the hundreds and thousands of people that have been child stars, they always say, Jody Foster turned out okay.

[442] So there's one.

[443] Everyone else murders and sets fires before they're 15 years old.

[444] Is that true, Sona?

[445] I don't know.

[446] Natalie Portman?

[447] Murderer.

[448] Oh, okay.

[449] She wasn't caught.

[450] Yeah, she committed a series of crimes in the Pacific Northeast.

[451] Ryan Reynolds?

[452] No, I'm thinking about Ryan Gosling.

[453] See, you can't even do it.

[454] Ryan Gosling was in the Mickey Mouse Club.

[455] Ryan Gosling, arsonist.

[456] Oh.

[457] Convicted?

[458] You said.

[459] Jason Bateman.

[460] Yeah, Jason Bateman.

[461] Have you hung out with Jason Bateman?

[462] Oh, I'm too scared.

[463] It didn't turn out well.

[464] Ron Howard?

[465] Ron Howard.

[466] Ron Howard stole jewelry from graves.

[467] That's a true story.

[468] When I first remember.

[469] These are all true stories about celebrities and And don't even bother to look it up because it's just that true.

[470] And don't bother to mention it to them or their lawyers.

[471] Ron Howard, a grave robber.

[472] I'm having dinner with Ron Howard as soon as this is over.

[473] Well, notice he's one.

[474] He doesn't know about it yet.

[475] Guess what?

[476] Notice this.

[477] Take a good look.

[478] He'll be wearing four watches and six rings and they'll be covered in dirt.

[479] Oh, my God.

[480] I was at a meeting many years ago.

[481] Well, I have two Ron Howard stories.

[482] I'd like to tell you really slowly right now.

[483] One of them is when I first met Ron Howard, I auditioned for Night Shift.

[484] Was that the movie with Michael Keaton?

[485] Yes, Michael Keaton, I believe, yes.

[486] That was Michael Keaton's breakout role.

[487] I auditioned, well, that could have been my Rocky.

[488] That could have been me. Did you audition for Rocky as well?

[489] I did not.

[490] Okay.

[491] You auditioned for Ron Howard for this big role.

[492] You're raining me back.

[493] You're bringing me back.

[494] You bet.

[495] I have to.

[496] So, yes.

[497] And I blew the whole audition.

[498] I mean, one of many reasons I blew the audition.

[499] But the main thing is I couldn't not go, as soon as I sat down to go, I got to just tell you, Mr. Howard, I was so jealous of you when I was a kid.

[500] And I, like, you know, practically had to lay down and, like, tell my story.

[501] You told him how much you resented him as a child actor?

[502] Yes, I did.

[503] I never told you this?

[504] No, no. But I'm just saying that what a mistake to tell him.

[505] I bitterly hated you.

[506] Hindsight is 2040, isn't it?

[507] Like, isn't that what people see?

[508] I would have known not to do that at the time.

[509] And I think it's common sense.

[510] I did not.

[511] I didn't know.

[512] So you told Ron...

[513] That was my second audition.

[514] The only other audition I'd ever had for a movie before that was in The Chosen with Robbie Benson.

[515] Oh, my God.

[516] I can't even say that without laughing, but...

[517] Ravi Benson was the teen heartthrob of the day.

[518] That could have been my Rocky.

[519] I think we all find the path that we're meant to find.

[520] and I read that somewhere.

[521] I think it was on a cookie.

[522] Well, I later went to a meeting in a skyscraper with Ron Howard and his partner.

[523] And in the middle of a pitch, I was just sort of nervously reaching around behind me on the couch I was sitting at, and I stuck my hand in the crack of the couch, and there was money in it.

[524] Like coins had fallen down.

[525] And I stopped in the middle of this pitch and practically squealed like a pig.

[526] And, oh, my God, there's money back here.

[527] And I stood up and pulled the cushion out and started, like, pulling, like, coins out.

[528] And then I turned her out.

[529] And everyone in the room's mouth, jaws were dropped open.

[530] And I was like, oh, my God.

[531] I mean, people were looking at me like, are you kidding me?

[532] You're a disaster.

[533] It was horrible.

[534] I made so many mistakes like that.

[535] Right.

[536] And I'd like to tell you all 40 or 50 are right now.

[537] I want to hear them, but first we're going to take a quick break.

[538] And now we're back.

[539] Good break, huh?

[540] Oh, that was quick.

[541] I feel like we didn't even have a break, but...

[542] We really didn't.

[543] They were inserting some commercials later on.

[544] Commercials that'll earn us hundreds of dollars.

[545] Okay.

[546] You'll see a small part of that.

[547] Us, huh?

[548] Yeah, us.

[549] I share the wealth equally with everyone in this room.

[550] I have points in this podcast?

[551] This particular one episode, I'm just...

[552] Not you.

[553] Say yes, right now.

[554] You've got to...

[555] You're on.

[556] Hey, whatever change you can find here, whatever coins you can find here you can keep and there's your payment.

[557] I just like to point out I'm not even on a couch.

[558] I'm in a, you know, what is this?

[559] It's an office chair.

[560] What do you call this a chair?

[561] Can I just say one of the things that delighted me so much in your work is the, that you would call a chair, cherry, that everything was alive.

[562] When I was a kid, that was my sense of humor is that everything was alive.

[563] And everything ended in E. Well, it ended up in a chairy, coffee, everything ends with E. But I really was the kind of kid that would put something in a drawer and say, thanks, drawer.

[564] And in the drawer, I'd be like, I'm just doing my part.

[565] And I, you know, I'm still, right?

[566] I'm still like that.

[567] I still, I love a world where everything's alive.

[568] I think that's the kind of world I want to live in.

[569] I used to like that.

[570] Now I like a world where everything is dead.

[571] Oh, my kid.

[572] No, I'm just kidding.

[573] I kid because I'm a professional kidder.

[574] Yeah.

[575] And I, um, although you would be the judge of that better than me. I don't think so.

[576] I'm not trying to set you up here or myself.

[577] But I, um, I, yeah, you seem like a kid to me that would have, just based on your sense of humor and what you came up with, that you had, you would have had an active imagination and worked out all these fantasies in your head when you were a kid that, you know, there are people like that I, comedians I talk to where I say, yeah, I picture them up in their room creating a whole world, you know, and then there's the other type of comedian that just angrily goes out and they craft their comedy out of, uh, loathing and revenge.

[578] Which one are you?

[579] I'm going to bet the first one.

[580] Let me think about that for 15 or 20 minutes.

[581] You really don't understand this format, do you?

[582] No. No, I was going to ask you, and then we just jumped in so fast, but the pod part of it is the part I didn't really understand.

[583] And I was going to look it at before.

[584] I don't know.

[585] I've not been doing this for a long, and I don't know why they're called podcasts.

[586] I don't know anything about it.

[587] I do it.

[588] People that have put a lot of thought into podcasts are enraged by my indifference to the whole medium.

[589] But I enjoy it, but I don't know what pod means.

[590] I don't know why it's called podcast.

[591] Yeah, me neither.

[592] And I don't even really care.

[593] I mean, I'm here, right?

[594] I mean, I didn't go like, you know, unless you can explain what pod means, I'm not doing it.

[595] Okay, I just here for a free meal.

[596] Can I just jump in with one story I just thought of that I was trying to think of like that?

[597] That's the whole point of what we're doing.

[598] Oh.

[599] You're allowed to, when you think of something.

[600] that you think would be good.

[601] I just put it in a pod and send it off, right?

[602] So when I put the headphones on, they still call these headphones, right?

[603] Yes.

[604] I put the headphones on, and I listen to my voice coming through the headphones, and I'm like, wow, who is that?

[605] Who's that nasally voice there?

[606] Because, you know, I just, like, I don't ever like to listen to my voice, so I won't be listening to this podcast.

[607] I'm just telling you now.

[608] But when I made my tape, to Walt Disney.

[609] Soon after that, I believe, I think it was shortly after that, because it was the end in my singing career for many, many years.

[610] I went to New York with my dad and we went in a booth where you could make a record.

[611] You put money in and you would sing into a microphone and then a record would come out.

[612] And we lived really far away.

[613] And I probably sang the same song that I had sang for Walt Disney.

[614] This was a couple years later.

[615] So it was different technology.

[616] I went from reel -to -reel tape to vinyl.

[617] And I'd like to take a break, commercial break, and come back to the rest of this story in a couple hours.

[618] I held that record on my lap all the way back to Oneonta, New York, like a two or three -hour drive from Manhattan and ran in the house and put it on the record player and listened to it about the first four notes that was, I think, like, maybe the first or second time, maybe the first.

[619] I probably recorded that thing for Walt Disney and never even checked it.

[620] So this might be the first time you're really listening to your voice.

[621] Right.

[622] And I freaked out so bad that I grabbed the record and ran outside and smashed it on the sidewalk and didn't sing again until I auditioned for some musical when I was like a young teen, like 13 or something.

[623] So you heard your voice for the first time.

[624] I mean, now with phones and everything, the technology we have, no, everyone hears their voice all the time.

[625] But yeah, you hadn't heard your own voice.

[626] No. No, I had it, Conan.

[627] I hadn't heard it before.

[628] No, it was horrible.

[629] Was that laughing or crying?

[630] I couldn't tell.

[631] I don't know what it was either.

[632] Okay.

[633] Well, it was bad acting.

[634] Finding the change in the couch did not cost you that audition.

[635] Ooh, ooh, ooh.

[636] I think it was that crying that did it.

[637] Good thing this is your show, buddy.

[638] May I call you, buddy?

[639] I just did.

[640] I wish you would.

[641] No, I, uh, what can you say after a story of that boring?

[642] Nothing.

[643] That was a good story.

[644] That was, wait a minute.

[645] That was, uh, touching story.

[646] I just picture you going out and I picture it being snowy and there's snow banks and I picture you rushing out into the snow and hurling it against the asphalt and it shatters and then I see a bread truck going by and Mr. Pancetta leaning out and going what's the matter boy?

[647] And you say my voice, my voice, I'll never make it in the business.

[648] He says, here, have a warm biscuit and he hands you one and you bite into it and you know things will work out.

[649] It's so close to what really happened except he leaned out and said it's GIF.

[650] in that accent that you just said.

[651] I don't do accents.

[652] You worked with, I want to bring this up because I worked with the man at Cernett Live for a number of years.

[653] Phil Hartman, I know you guys worked together.

[654] Did you do improv with Phil?

[655] Yes, back in the day.

[656] Yeah, he was in the groundings.

[657] He was just so fantastic.

[658] I just found a whole bunch of photos of Phil in a box that I'm going through all these, looking for all this stuff to show during the Pewy's Big Adventure 35th anniversary tour.

[659] And so I found a bunch of photos of...

[660] Because Phil worked on the movie with you.

[661] Phil co -wrote Big Adventure.

[662] Yeah.

[663] You know, people always ask me about Phil.

[664] And I always say, well, for my money, he was the best utility player that Cernet Live has ever had.

[665] He could play anything.

[666] He could be the dad in one sketch, then the juvenile delinquent in the next sketch.

[667] and so he was amazing that way and the other thing that I loved about that was remarkable about Phil is that all the years I worked with him people said what was he like he was always in character kind of when I would try to talk to him I'd come in and I'd go hi Phil and I'd be like hello kid and then he'd say keep him flying boys to me and the other rioters keep him flying that's the way to go fellas and he would always talk like he was in a sort of a parody of a World War II movie and then I'd see him out in the world sometimes and see him walking down the street be you know hey phil how are you it's aces kid i thought so i don't know you i'm no he was like that you probably i don't know if you broke through and and saw a different fill but that's the fill i always saw no he was just like that with me we me and phil and john paragom were the three kind of uh guys at the groundings and we would sit in my car in the parking lot and just spent all hours and hours fantasizing about what it would be like if we were ever working actors and made our living as actors and stuff.

[668] And it was just, when I think back on it now, it was so amazing and corny.

[669] You turned me on to this amazing, like, secret magic show once, which we don't have to talk about, if I'm not supposed to talk about it.

[670] No, no, it's...

[671] But you took me to...

[672] You said, hey, I've got something you might be interested in, and I thought you were going to sell me drugs, to be honest with you.

[673] And I was hoping that that's what would happen.

[674] But you didn't.

[675] You took me into this really interesting part of Los Angeles to this magical place, where they put on kind of a burlesque show.

[676] And I took my wife, and it was just amazing.

[677] Then there was a party afterwards.

[678] But it felt like it was this secret world that nobody in L .A. knows about.

[679] And I'm sort of loathe to even talk about it because I don't want to ruin this sort of coolness of it.

[680] Well, in actuality, they're making a documentary that's going to include quite a bit of stuff about that.

[681] The place you're talking about, the actual location of it is called Brookledge.

[682] That's the name of this property.

[683] And it was at one time the destination for magicians before the Magic Castle.

[684] And the family, it was the Larson family that owned that property and still owns that property.

[685] And the two Larson brothers founded the Magic Castle.

[686] But their property, one of their property, Brookledge, had a little theater, has a little theater in the backyard that seats, I think it's about a 70 -seat theater.

[687] It's tiny.

[688] And it's over a creek.

[689] There's a real creek that runs through this property in the middle of Los Angeles.

[690] And there's, I guess, an underground, I don't know, this would be something you might know about.

[691] I've never heard of it.

[692] You haven't heard of this?

[693] Because it sounds so up your alley.

[694] I don't know who you think I am.

[695] There's a, apparently like a river that runs underneath Los Angeles.

[696] And then it surfaces, or a creek, and it surfaces in this one little neighborhood.

[697] and it runs right through this estate.

[698] So there's a little babbling brook.

[699] Part of Los Angeles.

[700] I can't say.

[701] Oh, I think that's too personal.

[702] I think it was a mistake, us even saying Los Angeles.

[703] No, no, the reason is because they're making a documentary about the Magic Castle and this family in Brooklyn.

[704] And this will be part of it.

[705] There's quite a bit of stuff about Brooklyn.

[706] Well, it was magical.

[707] And I think you must know about all kinds of stuff like that.

[708] That's the absolute best one I know about.

[709] I do know about a few other places.

[710] Like a couple of times, the podcast is called Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[711] And you and I have talked recently about getting together and getting a meal.

[712] And I don't want to pick the place.

[713] I want you to pick the place.

[714] I send you great places, like three places.

[715] I thought we'd be doing it after this podcast.

[716] But, you know, I never heard back from you.

[717] That's not true.

[718] It is true.

[719] That's not true.

[720] Don't make me go and resend that email.

[721] You sent me an email that invited me to...

[722] I said, like, what do you do after the podcast that I'll be doing?

[723] on this date like weeks ago.

[724] Weeks.

[725] I mean, I'll give you one thing.

[726] It was over the holiday.

[727] Oh, that might explain it.

[728] You were probably in Central Pager.

[729] No, I was in Stad.

[730] I was in Stad with some of the biggest celebrities you can imagine.

[731] The weekend.

[732] It's true story.

[733] I was in Stad with the weekend.

[734] Why are you laughing at that?

[735] Why is that funny to you?

[736] I feel like you just said any name that you think is hip.

[737] been cool.

[738] You just saw uncut gems and that's why I was in Stad with the weekend and if you doubt me you can ask the weekend oh I'm sorry to use it Was it for the weekend?

[739] Yeah you're in Stod for the weekend I think you're mistaken I don't I didn't mean that I want to do more episodes of this I listen first of all we'll see we'll see how this pans out I get it but um some way you want to be but I know the weekend also by the way and the week day listen all of your references so far have been Betty, Betty Grable is the newest reference you've made.

[740] The weekend?

[741] I just said the weekend.

[742] You just repeated me. I said it because I think I saw it on a blog.

[743] Anyway, I was interested in the weekend, so I did not see what you're talking about.

[744] And I'm a notoriously bad emailer.

[745] I'm not comfortable in the world of email.

[746] I prefer a letter in the mail.

[747] It's really how I prefer things.

[748] I sent you several letters, too.

[749] I resorted to email only after, as I was saying to Grace Kelly and Monica.

[750] just recently about this very subject.

[751] But here's what I want to know.

[752] Over the weekend, by the time.

[753] Are we going to, I kept thinking, I want Paul to figure this out because I want to go someplace interesting.

[754] If it's up to me, it's going to be the cheesecake factory.

[755] That's where I wanted to go.

[756] Did you really?

[757] No. I was going to go to the cheese something factory.

[758] But what are you doing?

[759] I'm going to write down the name.

[760] so I don't have to say it out loud and see if you've ever been to this restaurant because it's so...

[761] You have been there.

[762] That's where I was going to suggest.

[763] Right.

[764] Only if you had never...

[765] He just wrote Hooters.

[766] Only if...

[767] On a piece of paper.

[768] I've been there.

[769] Only if you had never been here because...

[770] But I'd go there again.

[771] It's close to here.

[772] And this time of year, the view is incredible.

[773] We're not talking about Hooters, by the way.

[774] That was just...

[775] You're just kidding a kidder, right?

[776] No, no, no. Of course.

[777] I did what was called a joke.

[778] It's called Hooters.

[779] Who you is?

[780] Who give?

[781] I will go there with you to that place.

[782] We can't say because if word gets out, let's face it, Paul Rubin's and Conan O 'Brien are going to a restaurant together.

[783] I wasn't sure if you could even go out.

[784] Like if you go out places and people just, you know, talk to you all the time.

[785] You know what I do?

[786] I go out dressed as lesser celebrities so that I'm not hassled.

[787] What?

[788] I really do.

[789] I go out disguised as a celebrity who I believe is a not true to below me. And I don't want to say any names because I think that's hurtful.

[790] But that way...

[791] Write one down.

[792] Oh, my God.

[793] Oh, I'm in a total agreement over that one.

[794] Yeah.

[795] See?

[796] But then there's this one right here.

[797] Ooh, ghosty.

[798] They're a ghost.

[799] No, I want to be bothered somewhat.

[800] I don't want to go out in disguise.

[801] I want people to kind of recognize me. And that's why...

[802] Yeah.

[803] That's why I'll go out as someone who was like in a sitcom in the 1980s and hasn't worked much since.

[804] So that people...

[805] go, oh, you know, and I get some attention, but not, it's not the overwhelming, there's Conan O 'Brien, well, you can just imagine the mania that would break out if I were seeing.

[806] I can only imagine it.

[807] So you've been with me many times, and it gets out of control.

[808] It does not get out of control.

[809] It gets completely out of control.

[810] Some people look at you and they're like, yeah.

[811] Is it him?

[812] No. Yeah.

[813] I feel like people look at me and go like, oh, my God, it's, no, it's not.

[814] It can't be him.

[815] Well, let's talk about that because you made it in this huge way as this other entity.

[816] But when you walk around, people, do they know it's you right away?

[817] I don't think they do, but you know, you know this too, or maybe you don't.

[818] Like, I can never tell.

[819] And I'm always very into, like, as I walked down the street, I'm like, does this person recognize me?

[820] Did they recognize me?

[821] Are you thinking about that all the time?

[822] Oh, every second, I'm wondering, are people recognizing me or not?

[823] You know what's funny?

[824] So if they do, there's a little anxiety, I bet, that they will recognize you because then you have to engage in conversation and you might, the bubble will be the broken.

[825] But if they don't recognize you, then your feelings are hurt.

[826] So you're in a fucked up situation.

[827] I was at your party at Christmas speaking with somebody about this very subject.

[828] I'm not making this up and going, by the way, I am.

[829] always in situations where people start to go, oh my God, I really love you, and I love that thing you did.

[830] And it turns out to be you, the person that I was talking to, it was Martin Short.

[831] Really?

[832] All the time, people, I'm halfway through and I'm like, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

[833] You're talking about Ed Grimley, not Pee We Herman.

[834] And they're like, oh, I mean, they never go like same difference, people confuse you with Martin Short.

[835] Yes, quite often.

[836] And does anyone ever, do you think anyone ever goes up to Martin Short and thinks that they're Paul Rubin's.

[837] If they do, Martin Short wasn't kind enough to tell that.

[838] That would have been nice if he said that to you.

[839] Sure, he could have even made that up.

[840] You know what I get a lot?

[841] You're listening, Marty.

[842] I know your friends call you Marty.

[843] God, you're so filled with venom.

[844] I am.

[845] Struck a nerve, hit a nerve.

[846] Ooh.

[847] Yeah.

[848] A lot of people think I'm Greta Gerwig.

[849] I get that a lot now.

[850] They do.

[851] People say, oh, my God, you're so young and you're beautiful.

[852] You're so much taller than.

[853] You're very tall.

[854] How did you direct little women?

[855] And I go, and I'm happy in the first part.

[856] And then I suddenly I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not Greta Gerwig.

[857] And then I talked to Greta Gerwig, and she said she does not get mistaken for me. I want to meet Greta Gerwig.

[858] I really do.

[859] That's like a serious, real thing.

[860] I'm saying it on your show in case she's out there or any of her friends are going, go, Greta, you know, he could be sending you gifts or jiffs or whatever on your birthday.

[861] A lot of celebrities listen to this podcast.

[862] Really?

[863] And I'm going to say, and I'm not even kidding, there's a 95 % chance that Greta Gerwig is listening right now.

[864] Well, I'm out to her people already.

[865] Yeah, well, this is faster.

[866] You're never going to get through her people.

[867] Okay.

[868] You know, after Little Women, that's a lot of people.

[869] I loved Little Women, and I loved the other movie that she made before that.

[870] Lady Bird.

[871] Lady Bird.

[872] I was trusting you.

[873] I knew the name of it.

[874] Lady Bird, that's the Lyndon Johnson story, right?

[875] It's the story of Lyndon Johnson and the musical score was by the weekend.

[876] So it all comes together.

[877] A full circle.

[878] Yeah.

[879] I know a lot of cool modern references.

[880] You seem to be very...

[881] Backwards and dated.

[882] Back in the 40s and the 50s.

[883] But a day doesn't go by that I'm not listening to the latest rap by Aquafina.

[884] What?

[885] Or, you know, you know, the latest threads.

[886] I know what to do.

[887] You couldn't even think of another person to name.

[888] I said Aquafina, and I think that's enough.

[889] You don't think that I should be required to know other names than that.

[890] Paul, you and I, I think, don't need to know about the modern world because we both live in our own heads.

[891] We're happy where we are.

[892] We don't need to know who all these rappers are, you know?

[893] Why do I need to know what Most Deaf is doing?

[894] Oh, my God.

[895] You're asking the wrong person, though, really.

[896] I mean, you're, this is...

[897] Most Def, that's another one, right?

[898] Yeah.

[899] This is more an actor now?

[900] Yeah, I know.

[901] The Blind Boys of Alabama leading the Blind Boys of Alabama.

[902] Just to make a fairly current reference from some...

[903] A group from the last 40 or 15, 17 years.

[904] I don't think you and I should be communicating in this modern medium.

[905] The podcast is a...

[906] modern medium, listened to by a lot of very young, cool people, and you and I are not qualified to be here.

[907] What's the difference between a podcast and a radio show, by the way?

[908] Exactly.

[909] I think that all the time.

[910] Because I'm making a radio show, and people keep going, no, no, you're making a podcast.

[911] And I go, I think I know what I'm making, and they go, no, if you think you're making a radio show, then obviously you don't.

[912] A podcast.

[913] I love that story, don't you?

[914] I like the beginning and I like the middle.

[915] I didn't like the end.

[916] Okay.

[917] The ending was disappointing.

[918] I can fix the end.

[919] I'll take that note.

[920] Yeah.

[921] Podcast is, can be listened to at any time, I suppose that's one of the big differences.

[922] Podcast comes from iPod.

[923] It's a pun on broadcast, but it was invented or sort of like popularized by the iPod.

[924] I didn't know that, and I've been doing one of these for a year and a half, and I didn't know that.

[925] I bet a lot of people that are listening right this moment didn't know that.

[926] And we would have no way of knowing whether they're lying or not.

[927] Yeah.

[928] I assume they're all lying every single one of them.

[929] Look at that.

[930] They're all liars.

[931] You go angry and bitter every time.

[932] Ever since you smash that...

[933] Every second.