“I’m Not Going!” Child Challenging Your Authority?

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[24] Hey, everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder Celebrate Calm.

[25] I'm excited that you're here.

[26] Today we're going to talk about how do you handle it when a child challenges your authority, when they're outwardly defiant, when you've got this nasty power struggle going on.

[27] And we introduced this concept last week about making changes to situations very, very quickly overnight.

[28] For me, it's even in the moment quickly right now by just changing your reactions to your child.

[29] And it was kind of cool because we had to evacuate for the hurricane.

[30] and by the way, thank you for your well wishes.

[31] Everything turned out fine.

[32] But we got all these emails from people.

[33] And so I wanted to share two of them because there are a couple ideas here I wanted to share with you.

[34] And it's nice coming from real life parents.

[35] So this mom said, okay, I broke down.

[36] I got the change of child overnight package.

[37] I downloaded the stuff.

[38] Started to listen.

[39] And here's the cool thing.

[40] She said, I heard a few things.

[41] And so the next morning, here's what I did.

[42] I did the opposite of what I'd normally.

[43] do.

[44] I woke my daughter up with a compliment because usually I walk in and I just notice things.

[45] I tell her like what she didn't get done the prior night.

[46] And I tell her about all the things she's got to do today.

[47] And I get on her about her clothes choice because she likes wearing the same thing over and over again.

[48] I wanted to wear clean clothes, all those things.

[49] And she said, I didn't react when she started to grumble.

[50] Instead, I just let go.

[51] And I said, hey, when you're ready, you want to come downstairs.

[52] I'd love to talk to you about X. And she said, she invited.

[53] her into a conversation about something her daughter would be interested in.

[54] And here's the one thing that she said that I really wanted to share.

[55] She said, my daughter grumbled as she usually does, but I didn't bite on it.

[56] And the mom said, thank you for giving me permission to not react and correct every infraction.

[57] And I want to point that out because most of us who had old school parents, and I'm kind of an old school guy myself, we thought like every time our child does something, we have to correct them.

[58] And we have to be on top of every single thing that they do.

[59] And all it leads to is endless power struggles and it's miserable and it never changes anything.

[60] So this mom said, thank you for giving me permission because I've always thought, well, I've got to dress every single thing.

[61] You know, to be honest, I've been thinking, I thought about this over the summer.

[62] Like, what if I came to your home?

[63] And I addressed every single thing that you could do better.

[64] Every single thing, right, your dinner.

[65] I could probably pick out where maybe you need to do something a little bit healthier and introduce a little, a green to some greens and vegetables and something else.

[66] And how could you do this?

[67] And how could you?

[68] It would get overwhelming.

[69] And you'd finally say, just leave me alone.

[70] I'm doing okay.

[71] Just leave me. me alone.

[72] So I wanted to share that.

[73] The mom closed up the email and she said, you know, it's been three mornings now.

[74] I know this isn't the rest of life.

[75] We're going to have some road bumps, but for the past three mornings, I've actually begun to enjoy my daughter again.

[76] And the cool thing the mom said as well is, it's getting the day off to a good start.

[77] And now it's happening in the afternoon.

[78] It's happening in the evening.

[79] And I'm starting to apply this.

[80] And it's slowly when I find when I'm enjoying my daughter that she's relaxing more, she doesn't have as much of a tone with me. Boom.

[81] Mom, you just did it.

[82] It was all about you, not so much about your daughter.

[83] Second email.

[84] It's from a dad.

[85] I don't get a lot of emails from dads.

[86] Dads don't email a lot.

[87] So he said, I was skeptical, as I always am, which is all men.

[88] Welcome to the club.

[89] We're all skeptical about programs, right?

[90] When our wives bring us stuff, we're like, oh, sure, that book, I'll read the table of contents.

[91] I've got it, right?

[92] Because we don't need to change anything because we're men.

[93] But he said, my wife told me nothing I was doing appeared to be working, so not, why not change something else?

[94] Guys got a little sarcasm in here, and he took it pretty well.

[95] And he said, it kind of irritate.

[96] He said, actually his words were, Kirk, you irritate me, because my dad was old school and I just want to have to bother with all of this stuff, right?

[97] Like when I come home, I just expect the kids to do what I tell them to do.

[98] I shouldn't even have to tell them what to do.

[99] Right there with you, my friend, I'm the same way.

[100] We shouldn't have to do this.

[101] But the truth is, it's reality.

[102] So we deal with it.

[103] So dad said he decided to come home and instead of like kind of marching through the front door and noticing everything that's not done embarking orders and doing the typical thing, he said, he used a little bit of swear language, which I won't use here, because then we'll get flagged on the podcast since the pain.

[104] But he said, blank, blank, if changing my body, posture, and tone didn't work like a charm with my kids.

[105] And my response back, because I like to have fun with guys, I was like, no, duh, you think I do these podcasts and do this for a living, and I'm going to give you some kind of crappy advice that doesn't work?

[106] Like, come on, give me some credit here.

[107] I didn't, you know what I mean.

[108] But anyway, serious, it's not like I just throw out a bunch of ideas.

[109] Like, oh, this might work.

[110] It's like, I've studied this stuff.

[111] We've done this with almost a million parents.

[112] It works.

[113] Otherwise, I wouldn't bother traveling all the time if this stuff didn't work.

[114] But anyway, it's just kind of funny how people react to stuff like, I can't believe that it worked.

[115] I'm like, why would it not work?

[116] Like, look, for the guys out there, this works at your office.

[117] You do this every day with other people.

[118] I guarantee you if you're a leader or a manager or supervisor at your office or shop or whatever it is, you talk to different people in different ways.

[119] You know that some people, you can just walk by and say, hey, cut the crap right now, get back on track.

[120] And other people, you have to be a little bit more sensitive with and ask them more nicely and lead them.

[121] It's just human nature.

[122] But for some reason, as guys were like, well, I should be able to come home and bark at my kids.

[123] and they should say, yes, sir, and I'll do whatever you want.

[124] I was like, that's not human nature.

[125] You can get that from your kids, but you're just going to get outward obedience, and eventually they're going to get very, very sneaky, and they're never really going to talk to you because all you ever do is kind of bark at them, right?

[126] So, anyway, he said, it was really cool because at the end of the weekend, so they did this for four days, and he just started changing himself, and he said at the end of the weekend they were having family dinner time and his kids brought it up and said dad you're acting a little bit weird lately like what's going on and the dad said well i just thought that i would start controlling myself instead of controlling you guys because i believe that you guys are capable of doing it yourself it's one of our key phrases i believe you're capable and so he said his smart alec son said uh duh i could have told you you that.

[127] So, again, we could get into that.

[128] What do you say when your smart Alex son says this?

[129] But you know what?

[130] For the smart Alex son, I'd probably say like, you know what?

[131] Sorry, I didn't listen to you sooner, son.

[132] But now I'm going to get it and you're going to do it differently.

[133] So by way of saying that, there are a few ideas you can use.

[134] But here's the third email that I wanted to go through as a mom who asks, well, hey, this is all great.

[135] Love the idea.

[136] But what do you do when your child is outright refusing to do what you ask them to do and you're getting a big power struggle and she brought up situations where you sign a child up for a class because they've got a false sports going on and her child doesn't want to go.

[137] So let me give you this example.

[138] It's a very common one that I do all the time but I want to draw some things out.

[139] So let's kind of go through.

[140] We're going to go through the anatomy of a power struggle, right?

[141] Like how do you handle it?

[142] What do we usually do?

[143] Then what do we do differently?

[144] It'll be really cool.

[145] So picture the scene.

[146] You've got to go.

[147] You've signed.

[148] your child up for, I'm just going to call it a taekwondo class, right?

[149] So you rush into the living room, you call upstairs.

[150] Jacob, first taekwondo class this night, get downstairs.

[151] And so you can kind of hear right now, your tone's okay.

[152] You're fine, like get downstairs.

[153] Crickets, nothing.

[154] Honey, I'm not going to ask you again.

[155] We don't have time for this tonight.

[156] You need to get downstairs and eat before we go.

[157] And again, you hear nothing.

[158] And inside you're like, crap.

[159] Here comes another power struggle.

[160] And you know what?

[161] It's been this way since this child was in your womb.

[162] You try to sleep, he kicks, always wanting to do the opposite of what you have planned, right?

[163] And so you're frustrated because you're trying to do this for him.

[164] You don't need to spend the extra money in time to do this dumb class.

[165] He's ought to be a good outlet for him.

[166] Way to make some friends.

[167] So now you're anxious because you paid $135 for this class and you hate wasting money.

[168] And now you're going to be late again.

[169] and you hate being late.

[170] It's a big trigger for you since you were a child because your dad was like that.

[171] That's me. And now he's doing his little delaying tactic.

[172] And he's going to challenge your authority.

[173] You can't let him do that.

[174] So here's the moment of decision of what I really want to key in on.

[175] You know how your child is going to react.

[176] He's going to resist, yell, and call you names.

[177] His face is going to turn purple as he screams, I'm not going.

[178] Tie, Kwondo is stupid.

[179] You're stupid.

[180] And he's going to sob crocodile tears and he's going to talk his way out of it and complain that his stomach is upset that he doesn't feel well.

[181] And he's going to plead with you to just let him stay home this week, Mom.

[182] But next week I'll go.

[183] Please, Mom, I promise.

[184] And you know that's going to happen because you've already heard this and seen this a hundred times.

[185] So you know what's about to happen.

[186] So the real question now is this.

[187] What are you?

[188] You're a going to do differently this time?

[189] Because that's the only real variable here.

[190] You are not going to get him to change his behavior.

[191] The only thing you have control over at this critical moment is your own behavior.

[192] Are you going to react or respond?

[193] Are you going to inflame the situation or diffuse it?

[194] But because we're so anxious and rushed and we take these challenges to our authority so personally.

[195] Please parents, I'm pleading with you.

[196] Don't take this stuff personally.

[197] You're a grown adult.

[198] They're kids, right?

[199] That's a whole different subject, right?

[200] Because you're like, but I do so much for them.

[201] They should be grateful.

[202] That's your issue again, because you're doing too much and they're not asking for it.

[203] You want to do that.

[204] That's your own.

[205] If you dig deeply, I guarantee you'll find that is deep down in you.

[206] There's something in you.

[207] that causes you to do everything for everybody else, and then you get resentful because they don't respond the right way.

[208] Guarantee $100.

[209] That's completely on you.

[210] Not as guilt and blame, but it's this.

[211] You get to change this.

[212] That's really cool, right?

[213] So, your default mode is to take it personally, and then you end up doing and saying something like the following, and I know this because I said all of these things.

[214] You know what?

[215] Better get your little butt in the car right now, or you're going to lose all your privileges.

[216] Do you understand me?

[217] I don't have time for this right now.

[218] Do what I say or else.

[219] You know what?

[220] There's no need to be upset or scared.

[221] It's just a simple 45 -minute class.

[222] You know what?

[223] Your brother never had any trouble doing this class.

[224] By the way, if you really want to destroy your child, just compare them to siblings or other kids.

[225] And then you'll destroy your child.

[226] And if you want Kane and Abel to happen in your home, do that with the siblings, right?

[227] Here's the one I used to tell Casey all the time.

[228] A couple of them.

[229] Why do you always have to be so difficult?

[230] Now I get it.

[231] They are difficult kids.

[232] You know how much that wounds a kid?

[233] How would you like someone come up to you during the day and say, why do you always have to be so difficult?

[234] Some of you do because you married the wrong person, but it's another subject.

[235] Here's one I used to tell Casey all the time.

[236] How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions?

[237] So we come up with all those things.

[238] just wait till your father gets home or your mother gets home.

[239] You're not going to talk to me like that, young man. You know, if you don't get in a car right now, you're going to lose your video games for one month.

[240] Do you hear me?

[241] And here's the issue.

[242] They're hearing you, but you're not hearing your child.

[243] You're making this situation all about you, about your authority, about what you want.

[244] But you're not listening to him because you're too focused on changing or controlling his behavior instead of your own.

[245] But if you could control yourself, this is how you'd see the situation.

[246] This is what you would hear.

[247] Your child doesn't have the maturity yet to say, Mother, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the unknowns of this new experience.

[248] I've always had a hard time connecting with kids my own age because I get along better with adults and younger kids or animals.

[249] So I'm afraid the other kids are going to pick on me. And I have difficulty with multiple step processes and auditory processing.

[250] So I'm scared that I'm going to fail at Taekwendo.

[251] And the truth is, that I'll disappoint you and dad and my instructor.

[252] And at this point, my life, I am too fragile emotionally to risk more failure.

[253] So I'm going to call you names, challenge your authority, and be so disrespectful right to your face that your only option is to punish me. Because the truth is, I'd rather be spanked, caged in my room, and lose everything that I joy in life, then face the risk of failure and rejection.

[254] And I wish I knew how to tell you that, but my fear overwhelms me, just like your anxiety about me is overwhelming you right now.

[255] So I react out of fear.

[256] And what I need right now is for the adult in the home to show me a different way out of this.

[257] But you never do that.

[258] Instead, you just react like I do, and you yell at me. Oh.

[259] See, and here's what you and I miss. You're not looking at a defiant child.

[260] You're looking at a scared kid who's never fit in with his peers, who feels genuine dread when trying new things because it's all out of his own control.

[261] You're looking at a kid who's rarely been praised by people because he's always in trouble.

[262] He's the bad kid.

[263] He doesn't do homework quickly or get good grades like his brother or sister.

[264] And now you just be.

[265] rated him and demeaned him and further reinforced that he's a difficult child who just brings trouble on himself and you're a good parent so i know you don't want to continue doing that no blame no guilt unless of course i haven't said this before but unless you keep doing it right you're going to mess up but we've got to make some changes here to this right otherwise you're going to find that you don't have a relationship with this child anymore and he's not going to come and talk to you because this is how it works all the time.

[266] So deep breath, to rewind this situation and focus on controlling yourself instead and see how it turns out.

[267] So, same situation.

[268] You go to call your child down to Taekwondo, but you know you're going to get pushback because you always do.

[269] So you call upstairs, Jacob, first Taekwondo class this night, get downstairs.

[270] Again, crickets, nothing.

[271] Don't hear a peep.

[272] But instead of getting upset or irritated, you mutter a quick prayer or you do whatever it is that you do, right?

[273] You do a little meditation thing for a minute, right?

[274] You say a little thing to yourself and a little affirmation.

[275] Whatever it is, take a couple deep breaths.

[276] You see a few Legos littering the floor, obviously not picked up like you asked, and you cringe, that part of you that needs things to be orderly and to have instructions followed explicitly because that's how you were raised, right?

[277] That forces you to wince inside, but you don't give in.

[278] to it, though you want to add that to your lecture.

[279] Instead, you grab a few Legos, you walk upstairs, knock on Jacob's door, you walk in and sit on the floor.

[280] Yep, right on the floor, you sit, and you start putting pieces of those Legos together.

[281] Metaphorically, we're building instead of destroying.

[282] Now, your son looks at you like you're crazy, because he's been waiting for you to stand with your hands on your hips delivering lecture number 43B looking disapprovingly, shaking your head and threatening consequences.

[283] Instead, you're sitting on the floor looking down at some Legos.

[284] And here's what you say.

[285] Very quietly.

[286] You know, Jacob, if I were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class too.

[287] It would be pretty scary doing new things.

[288] And now you've done what you wish your husband would do just once.

[289] Acknowledge that what you are feeling is natural and normal and legitimate.

[290] Instead of dismissing you or saying you're overreacting.

[291] And now your son looks at you puzzled because you've just gotten to the root of the issue.

[292] You've just addressed his fears.

[293] You've just assumed the best about him that he doesn't want to be some defiant little snot who makes your life difficult.

[294] Because I used to say that to my son too.

[295] so Jacob slowly climbs down from his bed and he sits on the floor and he begins fumbling awkwardly with some Legos and there's no eye contact and now you say this know how I know that Jacob because in truth I'm the same way I get anxious when I'm meeting new people at book club or giving a presentation at work makes my stomach a little upset is that what it feels like and you get a little uh -huh little muted response along with a nodding head and so you trade some pieces of Legos back and forth, and you begin building something together without saying a word.

[296] And you're sitting together, connecting, building.

[297] Jacob, you know what helps me?

[298] I'm kind of just like you.

[299] I like helping other people.

[300] So whenever I go to one of those book club meetings, I always ask the host, if I can fix some dish or do a job.

[301] At work, I get to my meeting early and I set up because it helps me feel in control of something.

[302] So I've got an idea.

[303] Now, why don't we leave right now?

[304] We'll get to Taekwondo class a few minutes early, and I bet the instructor will give you a job to do because your teachers tell me all the time, you're the best helper in class.

[305] At 93 .7 % of the time, your son will get up and follow you to the car because you let them to a place of safety and you let them with humility.

[306] And if you are even more proactive and you go to the Taekwondo class a few days ahead of time or a week ahead of time and set this up and say, my son's coming to your class, he gets a little nervous, can he give him a job to do?

[307] And if that Taekwondo guy says, hey, Jacob, listen, I need you here five minutes early every week, I could use your help setting up for class.

[308] I guarantee you more than 93 .7, about 99 % of the time, you're going to get your son to go to that class.

[309] And watch what just happened.

[310] You just changed that entire situation.

[311] You just changed your child's response.

[312] And you didn't make him do one single thing.

[313] You simply controlled yourself.

[314] boom that's how you change your child overnight that's how you begin to change these interactions very quickly so i encourage you listen to the new program go to our website celebrate calm dot com you'll see it under the products page change your child overnight program get it's half price because we're introducing it now brand new program and you get you actually get 12 programs for the price of a couple trips to the therapist office but we're giving you 20 plus hours of instruction like this over and over, hour after hour, strategy after strategy that will help you.

[315] We give you actual scripts to use, which is what people love from this.

[316] If you need help with this stuff, contact my son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[317] If you need help with any of our products, setting up a workshop, live event, anything, contact them.

[318] You call us at 888 -506 -1871.

[319] I promise he'll provide the best customer service on.

[320] on the planet and he understands you and your kids because he was the most difficult child in the planet at one time and now he's awesome so anyway thank you for doing this i want you to try this keep emailing me keep i'm going to keep uh what will happen is you keep telling me how this is working i'll keep adding to the program with other ideas and other ideas of how you're applying this so you can actually change your child overnight very quickly but again by controlling yourself it's really cool thank you for having the courage to change thank you for doing this hopefully we'll see you live.

[321] We're coming up.

[322] This is our busy travel season.

[323] You can tune out if you want now, but live we're going to be in next week, Louisville.

[324] We're three places in Indiana and Indianapolis.

[325] Then we're on to Atlanta.

[326] After that, we are on to Northern Virginia.

[327] Then we're heading to Overland Park, Kansas, to Arkansas, to Texas, to California, everywhere.

[328] So we've got some open dates just a couple this fall so if you want us to come to your city email my son casey and he'll help you uh he'll help you do that then in november we're um northern virginia dc maryland and michigan we can come wherever you are you are just got to reach out to us anyway thank you uh for being awesome parents enjoy your day bye -bye