Kieran Culkin

[0] Hi, my name is Kieran Culkin.

[1] And I feel like goal -achieved about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] I'm always here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Because I can tell never we are going to be friends Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend Very excited about today's episode I know sometimes it can seem like I say that When that's just me filling space Or my reptile brain saying I'm excited for the show today But I am I am excited for the show today And I'm always excited to be with my good pals My buddies, my chill chums Sona Mouvesessian Hello And Matthew W. Gourley.

[4] No, it's not my name.

[5] Yeah, who cares?

[6] It is now.

[7] That's the kind of power I have.

[8] I can just assign you a middle name.

[9] Your middle name is Wenssel Slouse.

[10] Matthew, Wensel Slouse, Gourley.

[11] And Sona is not even your real name, Sona.

[12] No, it's not.

[13] Your real name is Tallinn.

[14] Tallinn, Sona Mobsessian.

[15] That's my name.

[16] I didn't know that for a while.

[17] And you were working with me for like a year to when we had to show our ID somewhere, forget if we were traveling, whatever, we had to get our IDs out.

[18] And I saw that it said Talene Mosessian.

[19] And I thought, why has she been lying about her name?

[20] Lying?

[21] Well, it's not your name.

[22] You tell her when your name is summer.

[23] I mean, I don't know if Andy talks about this, but Andy goes by his middle name too.

[24] What's his first name?

[25] Andy Richter?

[26] Yeah, his first name is Paul.

[27] What?

[28] Yes.

[29] I've been friends with him for almost 30 years.

[30] Yeah, my first name is Wenzelslaus.

[31] Well, that I just.

[32] just assumed.

[33] When I found out that you carved your own little fiefs and played them to mute yourself, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, I assumed you had a name like Wenssel Swouse, or was it Wenssel Slouse?

[34] I've been drinking.

[35] Anyway, the point is, again, I say that when I lost my way.

[36] Yeah, Andy goes by his middle name, too.

[37] I think it's normal.

[38] I think I knew that.

[39] I think Andy told me that a long time ago during a commercial break, and I think I said, shut up.

[40] I got to get back to interviewing this guest, which I should have listened to him more.

[41] But you were at a commercial break.

[42] I know.

[43] I think I just was trying to stop the conversation.

[44] It was very rude.

[45] What's your middle name?

[46] Christopher.

[47] Conan, Christopher O 'Brien.

[48] It's nice, but did your parents name you after?

[49] Probably St. Christopher.

[50] I'm guessing.

[51] Yeah, I don't think there was a Christopher in the family.

[52] It's funny because everyone else in my family has a name and a middle name that connects to something else.

[53] And then when my parents got to me, I was the third.

[54] They completely threw a Hail Mary.

[55] They were like, we're calling him Conan.

[56] Yeah.

[57] What the hell?

[58] That's nobody's name.

[59] And then his middle name's going to be Christopher, which I don't think, I don't think there's a Christopher that I'm related to in the past.

[60] So I think with me, they saw the red hair.

[61] I'm the only red head in the family.

[62] They saw this bright orange hair and they just thought, ah, screw it.

[63] Let's just Yeah, and you were in the middle.

[64] It's weird that they stopped.

[65] It's not like they ran out of Naves.

[66] It was like, you were bored and they were like, oh.

[67] It's like they just took a break.

[68] Yes.

[69] Well, I think in a lot of ways they did when it came to me. Took a break in caring.

[70] Took a break and loving.

[71] You're the personification of a smoke break.

[72] Take five, everyone.

[73] I know.

[74] My real name is, Conan is Gaelic for Take Five.

[75] It's an old Irish name.

[76] Hey, yeah.

[77] Take a Conan, everybody.

[78] Yeah, and then right after me, they are right back to, you know, names that are in the family.

[79] So it's Neil, it's Luke.

[80] And then, huh, third one?

[81] Who wants a third one?

[82] Conan, I guess.

[83] What about a middle name?

[84] Christopher, I think, is somebody.

[85] And then right back, they're like, yeah, Kate, we're excited again.

[86] Jane, who, Justin, woo.

[87] So I don't know what happened with me. They got excited again after you.

[88] It was kind of like.

[89] Yeah, some girls started showing.

[90] Fix what we did.

[91] You're just intermission.

[92] I think Sona has it right.

[93] Let's fix what we did.

[94] We can't end on this.

[95] When you give birth to the devil, you then, do you know what I mean?

[96] That's the part of Rosemary's baby they don't talk about, is Rosemary had a bunch of kids afterwards to kind of make up.

[97] And they're really good kids for the devil baby.

[98] Yeah.

[99] A bunch of really good kids.

[100] They worked for the Peace Corps, and they did a lot of, they're just great.

[101] They're really nice graphic design.

[102] They help out a lot in the neighborhood.

[103] They don't talk about their devil siblings.

[104] No, God, no. Every now and then, they're just great.

[105] And everyone's having a wonderful time with that family.

[106] And then every now and then, oh, God, here it comes.

[107] Who's that?

[108] It's our oldest brother.

[109] Would anyone like to sign a contractor with this flaming pen made of lava?

[110] We're cool.

[111] We were just going to go to Boston Market and get some turkey sandwiches.

[112] I would like to join you.

[113] Well, if it's cool, we'd like to leave you behind.

[114] I was the first born of Beelzebub.

[115] Yeah.

[116] Anyway, we're going to get some turkey sandwiches.

[117] If you could get me the coleslaw they make, that stuff is killer.

[118] Yeah.

[119] Yeah, sure, we'll pick up Kohl Slot.

[120] I appreciate it.

[121] Turns out he's very polite, too.

[122] Let me chip in.

[123] No, it's just Kohl Slod.

[124] No, I insist.

[125] No, no, seriously, we got it.

[126] I think I'd like to buy for the group.

[127] You know, you're actually pretty nice.

[128] Well, that's how I get you.

[129] That's how I get you.

[130] I lure you in.

[131] Remember, you'll know the devil because he'll be the one that offers to pay for the group at Boston Market.

[132] Really?

[133] That's how you'll know the devil Oh, just me I got this for the group And get some sodas while you're at it It's on me Wow, devil, oldest devil brother from Rosemary Baby You're just nicer than I thought you'd be Well, there are misconceptions about me Anyway, my guest today Oh wait, you have a podcast?

[134] Yes, of course everyone does.

[135] Everyone has a podcast now, so why not the son of the devil?

[136] But first, a word about fracture.

[137] No, no, no. Why get a picture on paper when you can get it on glass, fracture prints?

[138] I bet they're not even in business anymore.

[139] Oh, they're not.

[140] Trust me. Once the devil starts advertising for you, your company goes in the shitter real fast.

[141] I get paid by Burger King, not to mention them.

[142] All right, my guest today plays Roman Roy in the Emmy Award -winning HBO series Succession.

[143] I can't tell you how thrilled I am that he has joined us today.

[144] I am a mega fan.

[145] Kieran Culkin, welcome.

[146] When I was like 13, 14, something like that, I made these few career goals for myself.

[147] Sort of weird to do it like 13, 14, I guess.

[148] been acting for a while, but one of the three was to be on your show late night because I was always a huge fan of that.

[149] Thank you.

[150] Never got to do it.

[151] Never got to do it.

[152] And then you had a couple other shows, kept trying to get on them, and now I'm here, and this is actually, like, ticking off one of those.

[153] That's so cool.

[154] Well, this is actually the best way to do it because we get to really have a conversation as opposed to six minutes.

[155] Let's show a clip, and, you know.

[156] Exactly.

[157] The pre -interview said that you're going to tell this.

[158] really funny story that maybe doesn't go over well with the audience let's bring out the masturbating bear actually I should keep interrupting you today with the masturbating bear that would be great and it's when it's when you're going to reveal something that you haven't told anybody else and I'm like get him in here dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and uh no but it is it is a better format I've been listening to the show lately I was like oh this is like you know 45 minutes of listening to you and John Lithgow have a conversation is fantastic yeah and and you know I was really psyched that you could do this because Because it's funny, we don't know each other.

[159] The first time I really saw you perform, like, you know, and be the center was Igby.

[160] And I love that movie.

[161] I really love Igby, and I love your performance in it.

[162] And there's a moment in that movie.

[163] Every now and then a movie has a moment.

[164] A movie comes along and it has a moment that gets to me. And I don't know what it's all about.

[165] But when Jeff Goldblum's character punches Igby, I didn't see that coming I thought that was such and I've talked to Jeff Goeblum about that and I've said that moment like got to me because he's such a genial character and you're so sympathetic but you crossed a line and I know that you made that movie and people loved you in it and that you were I think in a healthy way kind of suspicious of I kind of don't want I want to keep this thing under control I don't want to go I was 18 I actually did recently go back and watch it for the first time in a long time and I remember that moment which genuinely was terrifying I was like what like 120 pounds 5 -7 and here comes Jeff Goldblum who's very large powerful man and I also remember we had a stunt coordinator who tried to turn it into like a fight sequence he wanted me to like try to defend myself or do something and I just said can he just like beat the shit out of me can we just do it that way yeah yeah and Jeff just grimy it was just the most terrifying thing of the world like his fist is about the size of my face but I went back and looked at it and it's crazy because I was just a kid pretending that I could like keep up with these people they all knew how to do their job like Jeff Goldman was extremely impressive and I just was trying to act like yeah yeah I do the same thing I'm an actor too I can do what he does and make choices and things like that but I was otherwise a pretty terrified guy and to that point of like being a little skeptical I mean I was about 18, 19, 20 when that movie came out and I guess because of that I started having what people were calling a career and, you know, a career that I never once decided for myself I actually wanted.

[166] I've been doing it, I guess when I was six or seven years old, they said, hey, I want to be an actor.

[167] That's not really like forging a career path.

[168] I don't think that's really the right age to go.

[169] What's also the age when you say, I want to be an astronaut?

[170] Except I was in space, you know, like suddenly.

[171] People can say anything when they're six or seven.

[172] I'm going to be president.

[173] I mean, and so, you know, saying, I mean, every six or seven -year -old says, I'm going to be an actor, you know, and people are going to know my, no. And so I remember thinking, I'm going to be in show business.

[174] And people around me were like, sure you are.

[175] And after a while, you're like, oh, I guess this is what it is.

[176] I guess I'm doing it.

[177] Similar to you, I was probably about 36, 37, when I was like, hey, I think I know what I want to do with my life.

[178] I want to be an actor.

[179] You've literally been doing it since you were like three.

[180] Yeah.

[181] And, and, but it, but I didn't know if I was doing it or not.

[182] Now I feel like, oh, I know.

[183] I think I know what the job is when I look around and I go, oh, this is what people, I guess you just think there's going to be a clear moment where you go, oh, now I know what acting is I'm going to do it, or now I know what like is, you know, because otherwise until then I felt like an imposter, and now I kind of feel like I know what I'm doing, so I guess I'm doing it.

[184] And it's funny because you, you know, famously and your brother who I got to know pretty well got started so young that it would be shocking to people to hear you, say, yeah, I think I figured out this is what I want to do when I'm 36 when there's actual, there's like footage of you as a fetus, you know, with a top hat and a play.

[185] You know what I mean?

[186] But people wouldn't believe it, but I understand.

[187] I understand what you're talking about.

[188] It's that feeling, too, I remember, like, maybe this doesn't connect, maybe it does, I don't know.

[189] But, you know, whenever I would feel insecure about what it is I'm doing, I look and see other people are doing it, and sometimes, okay, here's the comparison I'm going to make that may not make sense.

[190] I was very late to getting my driver's license.

[191] I was about 28, I think 29, because I grew up in the city, didn't need one.

[192] And I remember thinking, it's too late.

[193] I'm too old to learn this.

[194] I was behind a car.

[195] And I was like, I know it's just a pedal and a wheel, but I can't figure this out.

[196] I have no idea to pedal apart.

[197] I freaked out.

[198] And then I remember looking on the street and looking at what were clearly morons driving cars.

[199] And I thought, I'm not a moron.

[200] Everyone else can figure this out.

[201] I guess I can too.

[202] But that said, I'm still nervous every time I get behind the wheel of a car.

[203] Yeah, I'm nervous when you're driving.

[204] Yeah.

[205] I've seen, just picturing you driving, terrifies me. It should.

[206] My wife's having the same moment.

[207] She's in her 30s and she's never driven and she's like, it's too late for me. She's, she's absolutely doesn't want to try because she's like, it's too late.

[208] Right.

[209] I had my shot.

[210] There was a narrow window between 16 and 17.

[211] And once that closes, you can no longer drive.

[212] Yeah.

[213] I had this moment when I watched you host.

[214] I'm a massive, like just about everybody, I think on the world, massive succession fan.

[215] And it's the show that, you know, my wife and I watch together and there's, like, we wait and it's cure it comes and let's cancel all our appointments and let's tell our children that they must go to other homes because we need to watch Succession now and really concentrate.

[216] So I'm a massive fan.

[217] And then I watched you host Sound Out Live and you did a great job.

[218] You were terrific.

[219] Thank you.

[220] The thing that I really connected to was in the monologue, I wrote there a million years ago.

[221] I know, yeah.

[222] Back when it was in black and white.

[223] And we all smoked on camera.

[224] This sketch brought you by Marlborough, the cigarette for funny gentlemen.

[225] But when I was writing there, the monologue was the hardest thing.

[226] Occasion that be, obviously, there's like a Steve Martin, there are these people that are naturals or they're comedians and they have their thing all worked out.

[227] But for the most part, the monologue was where I saw people completely naked.

[228] And so you came out in your monologue and you're so yourself and likable and honest.

[229] Like you weren't being a guy who was hosting SNL.

[230] You were yourself completely and really funny and charming.

[231] And I was like thinking, I worked there.

[232] I know how hard that thing is to crack.

[233] And to just walk out there and say, hey, I'm Kieran.

[234] and be funny and witty and yourself and then say, let's get the show going.

[235] And I watched that and I thought, yeah, there's something special about this guy.

[236] Oh, man, thank you.

[237] This is like, that's a dream come true to hear.

[238] Told you that I had three goals.

[239] One of them was to host S &L, in other words to do your show.

[240] So being on your show and hearing you say that is kind of amazing for me. The third one was kill Conan O 'Brien.

[241] No, the other one, yes.

[242] They on his show and then kill him.

[243] The other one you're also associated with, actually, because, and I haven't gotten there yet, but I want to do a voice in the Simpsons.

[244] Are you kidding?

[245] I mean, they'll hear this, and you'll get a call tomorrow from Al Jean saying, what do you want to do?

[246] Great.

[247] So they would love to have you on the Sixthons.

[248] Take it off all within like a month span of time.

[249] That would be great.

[250] Thank you for that because that's really what I was hoping to do.

[251] And thankfully, apparently this year and last year, the SNL have been focusing their monologues more on just like it being personal a little.

[252] because I didn't want to go up there and do kind of a sketch.

[253] I didn't want it to be about, I don't know, I just wanted to take it in as like a real life experience and I just wanted to like talk about it.

[254] No, and that's why I think was really, I mean, if you would come out and said, hey, you know, you know, you know, Kieran and it's really great to be here hosting Sarnat Live, woo!

[255] And I just want to say yes and, you know, suddenly someone stands up in the audience and it's a sketch.

[256] Those are fine.

[257] They're fun sometimes, yeah.

[258] And they're fine, and sometimes they can be quite funny, and there are people that need that.

[259] But that was special because it's very hard for people to do that.

[260] And I just thought it was like really lovely and you really connected with me as a viewer.

[261] I'm just like, I'm a guy watching Saturday Live, and you came out, and I was like, oh, my God, you know, I can't wait.

[262] I knew you'd be coming on, and I was thinking I can't wait to talk to this guy.

[263] Oh, wow.

[264] And also the, damn, that Rhode Island morning show sketch, the turkey where, and my favorite thing is that the grand, if you, anyone listening, if you haven't seen this sketch, it's really funny.

[265] I love sketches where things in the background are betraying what the person in the foreground is trying to do.

[266] I know that sounds, but you'll understand.

[267] It's just, you're totally, you've prepared this really stupid rap song about Christmas and you've got all these graphics behind you.

[268] And then the news suddenly turns very serious.

[269] You're dressed in a very compromised costume.

[270] But the graphics keep coming up behind you of wrapping.

[271] Turkeys and stuff.

[272] And, you know, there's loss of life.

[273] You're having to, and you're apologizing.

[274] And the graphics keep rolling.

[275] And I thought, what a, I mean, that's just a, I thought that was a classic.

[276] I mean, the ocean took children away is, is like the big joke.

[277] The ocean took them.

[278] The ocean took them.

[279] This is the punchline.

[280] It's pretty dark.

[281] Yeah, yeah, it's very dark, and you're dressed like a turkey, and the whole thing is stupid, but I don't know, I love that.

[282] That was a dream.

[283] Thank you, because I'll just like, having a moment of being in a turkey suit, I have to walk onto the stage right before the sketch starts and turn and look up at my wife in the audience who takes a moment to realize, oh, that's my husband in a turkey suit.

[284] Right.

[285] That was a moment.

[286] It was like, I'm hosting SNL, this is real.

[287] Yeah.

[288] And knowing, I know that look well.

[289] I've been married a long time, and my wife, I love her, and she supports me and everything I do, but there have been many times I've looked out, and I'm wearing a diaper.

[290] I'm sitting in a giant, you know, thing of custard.

[291] You hope it's going to lead to the charm of, you know, the relationship.

[292] Exactly, right.

[293] And basically, you know, I see her second -guessing her choice of mate, but we plow ahead.

[294] Yeah, I, you know, I think.

[295] One of the things it's been so great, obviously, Succession is a wonderful show, and it's got everyone's attention, but, man, your character, Roman, it's such the perfect part for you, but also you've done so much with it.

[296] And I can't, I think everyone listening would agree, like, I can't, there's no one else who could do Roman or bring Roman to life.

[297] Like, I don't, there's no other actor who could do that part.

[298] I think it's perfect.

[299] But I found out that that's not the part that you were considered for when you went in for it and I thought that's impossible.

[300] How could you not be Roman?

[301] Not just that.

[302] I found out, so yeah, they sent it to me to read for cousin Greg, which I just immediately felt I was not right for.

[303] Like I just, the first couple words out of Greg's mouth, I was like, that's a great character.

[304] I can't play that for whatever reason.

[305] But I also just found out recently that Jeremy Strong had asked to play Roman.

[306] Oh.

[307] That I just found out the other day.

[308] So I was sent this.

[309] He's Kendall.

[310] He's the oldest brother, you know, and I mean, he's a terrific actor.

[311] or so, but I, again, I find that hard to, I can't picture that.

[312] Yeah, he was attached early on.

[313] Like, when it was sent to me, it was like, they're working on a deal for Brian Cox to play Logan, and Jeremy Strong is attached.

[314] That was what I heard.

[315] And then I said, I'm not right for Greg, but hey, I would like to audition for Roman.

[316] And the response I got back was, they're not auditioning Romans just yet.

[317] But I pick three scenes, put myself on tape and just sent it in anyway.

[318] Oh, wow.

[319] Yeah.

[320] So that takes, I mean, that's, that's initiative.

[321] Yeah, it was.

[322] It was like, I know I can do this.

[323] one and I know I can't do the rest so there isn't any other space for me here and I also just assumed they wouldn't even look at it if the responses were not auditioning Romans yet like okay well then I'm just going to put it out there do with it what you want and I had the best time like just working on those scenes and putting myself on tape like I had the single best day what was your first line do you remember the first line is first line is hey hey motherfuckers and that's when you knew that's when I knew that's I am this guy yeah I like the way he talks And then by the end of the episode, he's tearing up a check for a million dollars in front of a child.

[324] And I thought, that guy, please.

[325] That one.

[326] That seems like a really fun day of work.

[327] I am always impressed when an actor can take the worst person in the world, one of the worst people I've ever seen, depicted.

[328] And I want to hang out with that guy.

[329] Do you know what I mean?

[330] I don't want Roman in charge of my...

[331] life.

[332] I don't want him to have too much power over me, but I'd love to spend a day with Roman.

[333] Right.

[334] A day.

[335] A day.

[336] And then I want to be safely away from him.

[337] Right.

[338] But there are times we do scenes in like, it's a room when we're trying to, it's business.

[339] We're trying to talk business.

[340] And all Roman does is disrupt it.

[341] And when we finish the scene, I go, why did they keep inviting him back to the room?

[342] He did nothing to help this at all.

[343] And he just disrupted everything.

[344] Yeah.

[345] It's the thing I'm always wondering, who is hiring the three stooges?

[346] So I'm, you know, when I watch you as Roman, the verbal stuff is so much fun, but I'm also watching your physicality.

[347] You'll come into a room, but you're always torqued, twisted, and then you're kind of sort of leaving the room, but you're still talking, but you're not sure where you're going, and you have all this nervous energy and mannerisms, and I sometimes think, is any of that you?

[348] I don't, I'm not too aware of it.

[349] I didn't notice the sitting thing until people brought it up.

[350] I think that was the first season was like, oh, look, this guy doesn't know how to sit in chairs.

[351] And I had to see, like, a few images and going like, oh, I guess that was just one choice.

[352] And then I look, when you put it as a series, yeah, that's sort of bizarre.

[353] And I think some people think that that's written in the script, like, but it's not.

[354] I don't think you could write that in the script.

[355] You couldn't write that.

[356] You couldn't write.

[357] And there would be no way to describe what you do as Roman because he's, it's indescribable.

[358] And I haven't seen anybody quite do that.

[359] but I look at it and I think he can't sit in a chair because that's a commitment like maybe you know like I mean that's my take you could be right he comes into a room and he's not sure he wants to be in that room and you know other people sit in chairs and you know Logan of the patriarch can sit in a chair and a throne and say fuck you you're out you're in we're buying you we're selling you and you're twisting and squeezing and you're half in half out I think that's an interesting I try not to analyze it anything like that too much because if it's like working because now I'm to be aware of it when shooting season four.

[360] People listening to this right now are going to be so furious that all the reviews for the next season would be like he seems like somebody got in his head all he does is sit down he doesn't move at all he doesn't even move his hands he just sits clutching the armrests and doesn't move he lashed himself to a chair in one episode it made no sense yeah there was one episode there was one scene we shot where Mark my lad asked me to sit down and we sort of did that first rehearsal and I got up and I just moved to the corner of the room and I think I was behind some flowers or something.

[361] I said, does this, can I just like be here or vaguely in this area?

[362] He goes, I knew you were going to say that I really need you to sit down this time.

[363] He was, please try it for me. And then Jesse Armstrong, the showrunner came over and they both just said, can you just try it this once?

[364] We kind of knew you were going to do that, but we really need you sitting for this moment.

[365] Right.

[366] And I tried it and, you know, they were right, but that whole time I felt really uncomfortable.

[367] I think I'm hugging a pillow or something.

[368] Right, right.

[369] I just didn't know how to just sit still and say words.

[370] Well, it's, to me, another thing that talks to me or speaks to me a lot about succession, which is something I think you and I have in common is we both come from big families.

[371] I'm one of six.

[372] One of seven.

[373] And you're one of seven.

[374] And I think you have to come from, it really helps, I would think, to come from a big family.

[375] Because so much of that show is the Roy's, the way they treat each other seems completely outrageous.

[376] The Roy family has taken that to an extreme.

[377] Yeah.

[378] I don't say, I don't see my brothers and say, oh, look, it's fucking fuckhead.

[379] I tried it once and it didn't go well.

[380] It works fine, my family.

[381] It works just fine.

[382] Happy fucking birthday, fuckhead.

[383] You're a piece of shit.

[384] Why are you so ugly?

[385] See your, happy birthday, by the way.

[386] But, I mean, it's so funny because you guys as siblings, there is that kinetic, you're terrible.

[387] You speak terribly to.

[388] each other, but there's also a bond because you all are united in the fact that you've got this impossible father that you're all trying to please.

[389] I mean, it really gets dark between all of you, but none of you are going anywhere.

[390] That's it.

[391] There's always that thing that nobody else has that experience except each other with their father, the life that they've had.

[392] But that's actually that's where the freedom lies to be as horrible as possible.

[393] Anybody else that Roman could say that stuff too, that's it.

[394] That's the end of the relationship.

[395] I can see.

[396] I can see.

[397] say as Roman 2 Kendall, I hope you die, and then also see at Thanksgiving.

[398] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[399] It's very much Adam's family kind of darkness.

[400] And there's a, I don't know, I think it's also crucial to me. You could play Roman as a total screw -up, but I love when you see these great moments of him being pretty good.

[401] It's being smart and being competent.

[402] being able to kind of take care of some things and be impressive and show.

[403] And every character has those moments where you see that there's real ability there.

[404] And as a viewer, that keeps me in it because it's kind of exciting to watch.

[405] There have been a couple of moments where you've really kind of help save the day.

[406] Yeah.

[407] Well, nobody is ever like in life, this isn't going to sound really stupid and simple.

[408] But it's like nobody is one thing, right?

[409] I feel like a lot of times in TV if the character's horrible that's kind of just it so that definitely would have to credit the writing I mean the whole show is the writing that's what makes I enjoy watching the show but I would credit the writing for that it's like thank you for not just making this guy the one note like whenever it feels a little bit like oh it's becoming Roman we get rewrites and it changes and there's a lot more depth to the character that's in there makes any sense sometimes we get like table read script and I'll see like a little red flag and I'll go, I don't know why but this doesn't feel right and instead of going to the writers and saying here I have a concern I kind of just wait and every single time there is a new draft with a rewrite that actually they've been able to identify what the problem is and solve it before I haven't had to say anything.

[410] You haven't said a word.

[411] No, I haven't said a word.

[412] It happens every single time.

[413] Now, talking about all that stuff on a very shallow level, I watch the show and there have been episodes where you're all in England and you're on like a fox hunt or something and the show is over and I say to my wife oh my god those jackets they were wearing and then I must have that jacket and she'll say you don't have a falcon why would you need a falconer's jacket and I'll say but it was so cool it was quilted and it had that leather patch and it looks so fucking cool I got to have that check and she's like you can't have that jacket I know can I have the shot no you can't have a shotgun uh wow but the stuff is so cool do you like Google the stuff Like, what were they wearing?

[414] Well, here's the thing.

[415] I'm telling you, I'm telling everybody, if there was a site.

[416] Clothes from succession.

[417] Close from succession.

[418] If there was a site, I swear to God.

[419] And if you could all get a little piece of that site, I'd never see you again.

[420] You'd be the richest man in the world.

[421] And you'd see people walking around Manhattan, you know, dressed for a fox hunt.

[422] Who were just going to get a gelato, you know.

[423] Yeah.

[424] But I'm just.

[425] I heard you say in the interview with Adam McKay, I remember hearing you say that one, because I had never done that before, but recently I watched Only Murders in the Building, and so many times I went, what is Martin Short wearing?

[426] Yeah.

[427] I've looked up his coat, his jacket, his scarf.

[428] Like, I want his, I looked up who's the costume designer in case maybe I worked with that person so I could reach out and say, we might be the same size.

[429] Can you just give me his stuff?

[430] Yeah, but they got screwed up.

[431] They just keep sending you Selena Gomez's clothes.

[432] Which is great, too.

[433] And you wear them.

[434] They're nice coats.

[435] You look incredible.

[436] She wears a different coat in every scene, so, you know, I got a large war.

[437] There are scenes where she goes to use the restroom and comes back in a different coat.

[438] There is.

[439] And she's in a restaurant.

[440] She's not even at home.

[441] Yeah, in a very shallow level, the Roy family, because when I worked on The Simpsons, people would ask me, who's your favorite character to write for?

[442] And they would always assume I was going to say, well, Homer or Bart, and I would say, it's Mr. Burns.

[443] Oh, yeah.

[444] Because when you give someone unlimited wealth and make them evil, the sky's the limit.

[445] So anything you could imagine.

[446] So he's got a hyperbaric chamber in the basement.

[447] He's, whatever.

[448] He's got hounds that he releases at night when the party's over to attack people.

[449] He's the house.

[450] You know, there's just all these things that you can think of that anyone, that writers can think of.

[451] And it would get to the point where they would say, you guys, stop pitching Mr. Burns' stories.

[452] Because it's all we wanted, it's all I wanted to do.

[453] And I realize that there's something about succession where there's a part of it that's almost this kind of materialistic porn for me, where I'm watching the way you guys live and what you're wearing.

[454] And I know I could never pull that off, even if I could have it.

[455] But I love that you guys can say, let's get out of here.

[456] We're going to Stad.

[457] And suddenly you're all in nine different 747s.

[458] Yeah, yeah, that are wood -paneled.

[459] It's fun.

[460] It's just fun to watch.

[461] We're on this huge yacht in Croatia talking about who's going to sacrifice themselves talking about really dark stuff.

[462] But, you know, we're on this beautiful yacht in Croatia, but they can't even appreciate it.

[463] Also, by the way, Mr. Burns after Homer is my favorite character on that show, too, and I'm pretty sure that Kendall Roy is a young Mr. Burns.

[464] That actually makes sense.

[465] It does, right?

[466] So, so that's fascinating because, and so we just have to wait 120 years.

[467] I think so.

[468] Because that's another game that we would play at The Simpsons was just making him, we would play with his age in a way that was impossible.

[469] Like, isn't he from, like, Prussia or something?

[470] He's from, there's a couple episodes where they say where he's from, and it's some place that hasn't existed or...

[471] Right, right.

[472] I don't remember that.

[473] Okay, I can't remember where it was.

[474] I'm always mad at me that I can't remember this stuff.

[475] I blew it.

[476] I ruined the joke, obviously, because I, that isn't it?

[477] I'm going to think of it later or look it up and go, I shouldn't nail that joke.

[478] But they also will always drop these things that when he was playing baseball, Honest Wagner was playing.

[479] You're like, wait a minute, that would make you 140 years old.

[480] But it's fascinating to me that, yes, I think Mr. Burns, if Roman gets to be 110.

[481] years old he's mr burns i like that and um and there's something really fascinating and lovable about someone who's evil and then nothing's impossible because they can afford anything and you find yourself the reason i think to i uh compared mr burns to candleroy is like no matter how evil mr burns is you like you find these moments of feeling for him and going oh this poor lonely old man you have to remind yourself no he's awful yeah doesn't he like he's Screws Lisa out of a company that they made.

[482] Oh, he's constantly doing the worst thing possible.

[483] And one of my favorite lines that we came up with when I was working on The Simpsons, and this was, I didn't think of it.

[484] And I wish I could remember who thought of it.

[485] But they've put together a birthday party for Mr. Burns, and Smithers is trying, you know, his best to give him everything that Mr. Burns would want and makes the mistake of booking the Ramones to say a birthday son.

[486] Yes.

[487] And so he has, so the Ramones come out and go like, seeing a Ramon's version of Happy Birthday, and then they, yeah, and we actually got the Ramones to do it.

[488] And then at the end, they dropped the microphone, go like, happy birthday, like you old buzzard.

[489] And go to hell, you old bastard.

[490] Yeah, that's it.

[491] Yeah, you know this better than I do.

[492] And then I just love that Mr. Burns leans over and says, have the Rolling Stones killed?

[493] And Smithers tries to correct him and go, oh, sir, that wasn't, he goes, do it.

[494] And Smithers goes, oh, and walks off.

[495] And you know that somewhere the Rolling Stones are being shot for something the Ramones did.

[496] I don't know, that is something a, that's what a Roy would do.

[497] I think a Roy would do that.

[498] It could be Roman, it could be Logan, it could be Kendall, it could be any of them.

[499] But, um, true.

[500] Yeah, I mean, that's funny that you say that because Logan Roy wouldn't know the difference.

[501] No, he would not.

[502] And I think he could actually get that done.

[503] I think he could actually have the Rolling Stones killed if you wanted.

[504] You know, am I right?

[505] I know your wife is from London.

[506] Is that right?

[507] That's right, yeah.

[508] For years, I fantasized about living in another.

[509] city and specifically a European city for a year and getting like a small apartment and just being a different person for it.

[510] Not a completely different person myself but just wandering the city and going to pay for something and they're like that'll be 35 pence and I'm like Pence oh wow goodness me I'll have a chocolate please you know What costs 35 pence What can you get for 35 pence?

[511] I didn't say it was a good chocolate It's a really bad candy store.

[512] It's a terrible candy store where they're still selling what they call candy for 35 pence.

[513] But there's part of me that when I visit London specifically, I think, I would like to live here.

[514] And I know that you've sometimes thought about that.

[515] Yeah.

[516] Yeah, that also, you know, fantasize about Paris because my wife is actually, she's French, but she was born and raised in England.

[517] So, yeah, we had that.

[518] But my wife sort of has a love -hate relationship with London.

[519] It's sort of that thing where, you know, she can complain about her mother all day.

[520] And the moment I say something like, yeah, your mother's a mess.

[521] She goes, don't you, you know.

[522] How dare you?

[523] I was like, no, I just meant she's messy.

[524] Like, she unloaded her handbag all over the table and I have to clean it up.

[525] Not she's a crazy mess.

[526] Right.

[527] But it's the same with London.

[528] Like, you know, she loves it.

[529] I love it.

[530] I want to live there.

[531] But I think, I don't know, she sort of has a bad relationship with it.

[532] But I definitely want to live there.

[533] I'm trying to book a job out.

[534] there just so we can live out there for a few months.

[535] I've been told by...

[536] You're picking roles based on location of where it's going to happen.

[537] I have not been able...

[538] I have not had the luxury of being able to do that, but wouldn't that be cool?

[539] Well, again, we have a lot of listeners around the globe, and right now there's some producers saying, we don't have a movie, but we're going to quickly make one.

[540] Put it in London.

[541] Yeah, and I love the idea that you would say, you know, when...

[542] I don't know why I know this, but when the Beatles were making help and the script was being written, they just kept saying...

[543] shouting at the person writing at places that they wanted to go.

[544] Oh, wow.

[545] Because, and so they said, we want to go skiing, have it in Switzerland.

[546] And then literally three days later they'd say, we want to go to the Caribbean.

[547] We want to go to Bermuda.

[548] And so help is all over the map.

[549] And there's no reason most of the time to be in these places.

[550] But it was these four most powerful people in the world.

[551] They could say whatever they want.

[552] And they were driving the boat.

[553] And I think, I don't want to creep you out, but I think you're approaching.

[554] levels where you can say your next movie.

[555] I mean, all of Adam Sandler's movies are in Hawaii.

[556] And I've given him shit about it.

[557] I've been like, you know, and even ones where it's like, you know, about his, an adventure in the Arctic.

[558] And he's like, it takes place in Hawaii.

[559] And he's just, he loves Hawaii.

[560] He's like, oh, buddy, I just love it.

[561] Oh, and the family, they love it.

[562] Buddy, oh, cony, cony, Hawaii's great.

[563] And I just know that no matter what he does, he could do.

[564] an English drawing room, you know, it's an act of the Christie movie.

[565] It's, you know, and that's what we're going to shoot is murder on the Orient Express.

[566] Where are you shooting it?

[567] Maui, buddy.

[568] Oh, Maui.

[569] Maybe I should aim a little higher.

[570] I just want to go to London so I can eat Pizza Express.

[571] Like, what's my, what's my thought?

[572] I should be, I should be aiming a little higher here.

[573] Yeah, but I know what you're talking about.

[574] I want to go to shoot in Buenos Aires, right?

[575] No, well, I'm also a sucker for any time, any, I remembered once, I think some kids like probably had a bake sale in London, and they were fans of, they were somehow seeing what I was doing, and they were fans of it.

[576] And they made up an award.

[577] And they said, you know, if you come to, if you come to Dublin, we'll give you the, and then made up award.

[578] I don't know what it was.

[579] And I flew over there.

[580] You did?

[581] Just because I wanted to go to Dublin.

[582] You wanted the award.

[583] Well, no, I bet.

[584] Yeah, the award was fine.

[585] But I mostly just want, I loved, and I remember my wife at the time saying, what is this award again?

[586] That looks like something they made an hour ago, and I'm like, quiet!

[587] This is a high honor to be awarded this trophy.

[588] Well, you used to travel with your shows, with your shows, a lot, but was it for that reason?

[589] Was it, I just need to get out of the city for a while.

[590] Yes, I used to try, I used to love getting on the road.

[591] I love a theater.

[592] Yeah.

[593] So I love, I am a frustrated vaudevillian.

[594] I love a theater.

[595] I love sound check.

[596] I love people being coming in and taking their seats.

[597] Yeah.

[598] It just makes me so happy.

[599] I like cruddy backstage dressing rooms that you know.

[600] That's very humbling is I don't care what theater you perform at in this country.

[601] If you're backstage at the Chicago Theater or you're backstage at really any vaudeville 20s theater, your dressing room is usually pretty small.

[602] and there's like exposed pipes and the rug is really dirty and that's just you know that's the beacon theater here in New York it's hard to take that in sometimes especially like when I've done Broadway and stuff it's hard for me to really take in how old the building is or how many people have been here but the one time I did was Studio 8H like every I feel like every moment of being on that stage or in the dressing or even in the bathroom just thinking like who's pissed in this toilet you know right but really it was like that kind of feeling you could feel the 47 years of that show.

[603] That's the other thing.

[604] I was talking to someone yesterday, a friend of mine, and I was having a memory of Sound Out Live, when they brought me in and my writing partner in on sort of a trial basis.

[605] Like, we'll give you two weeks and see how you do.

[606] And we did well.

[607] And I was really, I think, 24.

[608] And then we got the word that you have, you got the job.

[609] So we'll need you back here in a week.

[610] And we're not going to pay for your, you know, hotel anymore.

[611] They put us up at a hotel.

[612] But now you've got a real job.

[613] So you need a place live.

[614] And so I decided I'm going to call a friend of mine, this woman I knew, Lynette, and see if she has nose of a place.

[615] And I told the story.

[616] It's on 8 -H.

[617] I walk through the doors out of the studio because I know I have to call my friend Lynette, try and get an apartment.

[618] I walk down that hallway.

[619] Everyone knows it's outside where so many sketches happen or cold openings.

[620] I walk down into a wooden telephone booth.

[621] I tell this story and I sound like I sound like Mr. Burns, like 190 years old, like Edison, why I interned for him.

[622] I walk into this phone booth and opened it up and the little light came on and I closed it and I dialed Lynette's number and talked to her because there's no, I didn't have a cell phone.

[623] Right.

[624] No one has a cell phone.

[625] I mean, a few people had them and they, you can see them on Wall Street.

[626] They're hilarious.

[627] Like that always dates movies for me. Yeah, exactly.

[628] Someone says, you're through.

[629] I'm going to make a call.

[630] And then they pick up a phone that immediately takes you out of the moment.

[631] movie.

[632] I called them on my car phone.

[633] That's another one too.

[634] So that was this iconic moment.

[635] I remembered thinking at the time, who's used this phone booth?

[636] Because I know that phone booth, that phone booth looked like it was there since the 40s.

[637] So you know anyone who's done anything, like Jerry Lewis, when he was guest hosting, you know, on the Tonight Show, used this phone booth.

[638] Anybody who was in Rockefeller Center used this phone booth, and I'm in there.

[639] Now I tell people, you ever go to the old phone booth and make a call and they just laugh at me. The phone book is gone.

[640] I think it's gone.

[641] I'm assuming it's gone by now?

[642] Yeah.

[643] I mean, that's a shame.

[644] You got to, but I don't know.

[645] Or maybe they've switched it so it's like a vaping center.

[646] It's like a vaping room you can go into.

[647] It's got some modern, they got rid of the phone, but you can go in there and meditate or something.

[648] There was a sign that I looked up and saw way up to the side.

[649] It just says there's this area where it's very easy to hit your head.

[650] And it's like, I'm 5 -7 and I, would have whacked my head and if there wasn't this big sign that says watch your head.

[651] And then next to it written in pen, somebody wrote Farley.

[652] Yeah.

[653] Because apparently, and I saw that and I thought, that's great.

[654] And I took a picture of it.

[655] And I believe it was Alex Moffat was like, hey, did you see the sign?

[656] I said, yeah, it goes, isn't that cool?

[657] And he told me the story of it.

[658] Apparently he just kept hitting his head on that wall.

[659] And so they made a joke and it's still there.

[660] And there's all this other, these drawings and stuff.

[661] And you just feel the history of it.

[662] Sarah Sherman, who's new to the show.

[663] She looked at it.

[664] And she goes, oh, my God, is that what that is?

[665] I've never seen that before.

[666] Oh, wow.

[667] And I got to watch her have this moment as like an S &L cast member.

[668] She got to have a moment of that's amazing.

[669] You know, I don't know.

[670] Sometimes you feel like when you watch these shows, these people might not care about it or something or they might not have because it's work, you know.

[671] But my experience anyway with the cast is they seem to really care and they seem to be still very excited about being on that studio doing their job.

[672] Nobody can work in Rockefeller Center and not.

[673] I had the privilege of working there 20 years.

[674] You can't work in Rockefeller Center.

[675] and not every day think this is a temple of broadcasting and kind of an era that doesn't exist anymore.

[676] People were making stuff here in the 40s.

[677] During World War II, they were making radio here and then TV when it's born is made out of Rockefeller Center.

[678] So I know Lorne has always had, he has great taste in a lot of things, but I know that that show has to come from that building.

[679] If some accountant came along and said, you realize it doesn't really make sense to do it from Rockefeller Center anymore, so we're going to start doing it, you know, from it, no, it's got to be there.

[680] It's got to be in that particular studio.

[681] Yeah.

[682] And they tried to take that in.

[683] That's another one that was hard to take in.

[684] I mean, that week flies by so fast.

[685] But at one point, I went into Lorne's office.

[686] It's just like the check -in the day before, I guess.

[687] He wants to see how the host is doing.

[688] Make sure he's not having a meltdown.

[689] And he walked me out to where the seats were, and he gave me a brief history of the building.

[690] And I got to tell you right now, I couldn't repeat one fact back.

[691] to you what he said because I was too busy going, this is amazing.

[692] He's telling me the history of the studio.

[693] Yeah.

[694] Well, he also farts loudly and constantly.

[695] Probably made it very hard to pay attention.

[696] That's one thing you never hear about, and then just huge eruptions and you can't hear him.

[697] Every room that he was in had a basket of popcorn.

[698] I noticed that.

[699] Yes, yes.

[700] With little cups next to it.

[701] I was like, oh, this one has a pop.

[702] Oh, no, no, that's gone back.

[703] Really?

[704] Yeah, since, I mean, that was in my time and I think probably goes back to 75.

[705] There was always, There's always, and there are people whose career is making popcorn.

[706] And I would see, I would be in a room talking to someone, and I would see the popcorn in the corner, oh, Lauren's about to come in.

[707] Like, they preset the popcorn's fresh.

[708] Yeah, the popcorn gets there.

[709] It's like the president.

[710] You know, the nuclear football is always in the room when the president shows up just in case he needs to launch.

[711] Lauren's the same thing, but it's popcorn.

[712] Unsalted, no butter.

[713] He was quite extraordinary to, like, to see really, I've been told by people how hands -on he is, but just to see it in person, just to see how hands -on he is with everything.

[714] And he was quite kind.

[715] He was like, he made sure that I felt like I could speak up because I just kept going, I'm walking into your guy's show, you know, been doing it forever.

[716] I don't want to say anything, even if I had an opinion, I'd keep it to myself, but he would make sure, what do you think, you know?

[717] Yeah.

[718] And I, you know, I think it's because of that, that sketch about being in the turkey suit.

[719] I feel like almost didn't make it.

[720] And I said, hey, I really wanted to do that one, but it's fine.

[721] If it gets cut, that's fine.

[722] But it's at your opinion, The host's opinion means a lot.

[723] And as a writer, I profited from that and sometimes got, well, at the time, thought, I got screwed because I'd have a sketch that did okay, but the host, for whatever reason, didn't want to be wearing bicycle shorts or had some thing that they didn't, or they weren't featured that much in it.

[724] And the host might say, yeah, maybe we could lose the bicycle thing.

[725] And I've been working on it all week, and it did well.

[726] And then the bicycle thing just goes away.

[727] and you're crushed I would take the train home and just like my career is over my sketch where the host wears bicycle pants was cut because you get one shot and it's not like you can do it with another like that's it.

[728] You can bring it back but there's a little bit of a death stench on a sketch that makes it to air, I mean makes it to dress and gets cut, yeah.

[729] Okay.

[730] If it makes the table read but gets cut you can bring it back again but you got to.

[731] Can you bring it back the very next week?

[732] or do you kind of like...

[733] Not really.

[734] I mean, in my day, look, again, you're asking an old coal miner how Uber works.

[735] Well, in my day, the cameras were quite large.

[736] The cameramen sat in them.

[737] They were the size of cars.

[738] My typewriter's out of ink.

[739] Always have ink, young man. Yeah.

[740] I really am from a different time.

[741] So I don't know.

[742] I'm sure there are people that work at SNL now They're like, why is Conan pontificating about how the show works?

[743] I honestly don't know how the show works anymore.

[744] You've hosted as well, right?

[745] I hosted, yeah.

[746] When was the last time you went and did that?

[747] I think it was the year 2000.

[748] Okay.

[749] I think I did it then.

[750] In the year 2000?

[751] I know.

[752] And it's crazy, but it was, there are a lot of people listening now who weren't born when I hosted SNL.

[753] Oh, my gosh.

[754] And I'm able to drink.

[755] I mean, I have people working for me that weren't born when I started the show.

[756] How does that make you feel, accomplished or old?

[757] I'm okay.

[758] No, I'm okay with it.

[759] I'm actually really fine with it.

[760] I'm that rare person that sort of is proud that I'm 58 and I've kicked around for a long time and I'm still having fun.

[761] So I don't like to pretend that I'm a different age.

[762] I like to, I like that I've got a bunch of scars and I've knocked around, but I've also had a ton of fun and still having fun.

[763] You can feel that, by the way.

[764] When I listen to the show, I can see, like, this is still.

[765] this is still the Conan that I loved when I was a kid I like it to be silly and like I say I'm very it isn't lost on me you talk about taking things in you know we're taping this in New York and when I heard that you were going to do it I was excited because I'm such a big fan of your work and just wanted to talk to you and it's selfish but the idea that oh I'm gonna last night I was telling my wife Like, yeah, tomorrow, Kieran Culkin, and she's like, oh, that's so cool.

[766] And I can tell, okay, my stock just went up with my wife.

[767] Things are that precarious.

[768] Maybe she forgot about the whole diaper incident.

[769] So, you know.

[770] That's still burned to her mind.

[771] That's forever.

[772] But it's not lost on me that I get a lot of, it almost sounds like I'm a vampire, but young people like yourself that are really good at what they do and also seem to be nice people.

[773] That energizes me. Like, I get, I, I, it's nice.

[774] Like, I'm, I'm going to feel good the rest of the day because I had this nice talk with you and, um, and that we really didn't have to pay you.

[775] You're losing money at the second you're talking to me. I know that, uh, am I getting reimbursed for my Uber or no?

[776] No, no, no, good luck to you.

[777] Oh, well.

[778] As I told you, I don't even know what Uber is.

[779] We, I have a horse and carriage waiting for me outside, young man. This has been as good and fun and cool as I hoped it would be.

[780] which is really saying something.

[781] But Kieran, I'm just very happy for you.

[782] You're just killing it out there.

[783] And like I say, I think I'm excited to see the stuff that you do.

[784] And I'm glad that you got to this place where you are doing this really good work and you're able to appreciate it and appreciate, you know.

[785] The whole fame thing is so hard for people to negotiate.

[786] And you took your time and waited it out.

[787] and it's all come in the right way.

[788] I think that's really cool.

[789] Okay, yeah, kind of ignoring it.

[790] Yeah, yeah.

[791] No, but it's, you know, people sort of at the moment, people will sort of come on the street and say something, and I just, it doesn't freak me out.

[792] I guess maybe it would have scared me when I was younger when I saw that.

[793] I think I just know how to handle it a little more.

[794] I just don't.

[795] Yeah, I think you grew into it.

[796] Care, yeah.

[797] Because it's, for the most part, especially in New York, people are just like, oh, cool, you're the guy from that thing.

[798] Yeah.

[799] Right on.

[800] See you.

[801] Like, it's not, it's not like a big deal.

[802] It's not like creeps or, you know, you know.

[803] I had a woman that was, I, I, once, I was walking down the street and this, you know, seemed like she was about 65 years old.

[804] She saw me and she went, hey, you're Conrad Orion from the radio.

[805] And I was like, no one's been so wrong about so many things in such a concise sentence.

[806] You know, I'm not Conrad Orion and I'm not on the, I mean, now I am on the radio, so I should just change.

[807] Just Conrad O 'Ryan.

[808] She's a soothsayer.

[809] I actually told the truth.

[810] I got a really good one for him.

[811] Somebody went up to my brother Rory right after Igby goes down, came out soon after, and just said, oh, I just saw Rugbert goes home with your brother Merck and Culkin.

[812] Rugbert goes home with Merck and Culkin.

[813] That's fantastic.

[814] That's fantastic.

[815] Wrong about every word is wrong.

[816] And that's hard to do in one sense.

[817] You think accidentally they'd get something right.

[818] No. Well, hey, look, best of continued success and good things for you, and congrats on your family.

[819] And when you get that gig in London, you know, I just want to live like across the street.

[820] That sounds good.

[821] I'll try to get us both booked on the same show, whenever it is.

[822] How about you get, you're going to get a really good part in a stage production of something in London.

[823] And I could, if you got me, I will pay my own freight just where I have a walk on is like a butler who hens.

[824] And in the background, and of course I steal focus.

[825] I look at it at the audience and they don't know who I am.

[826] They're from London.

[827] They're like, what the fuck is, why is?

[828] Strange man is hamming it up with the ground.

[829] Why is that very tall woman pulling focus in this play?

[830] And then the reviews are all a wonderful triumph.

[831] With the exception of the butler.

[832] With the exception of the butler.

[833] He kept bringing on the masturbating bear when he wasn't getting the laugh.

[834] This has been a dream come true.

[835] Yeah, yeah.

[836] Cool.

[837] Thank you so much.

[838] Sona, I don't know about you, but I got a text this morning that said, assemble the team we're doing a recording that I didn't even really know what's going to happen.

[839] And it felt like when the special squad gets assembled regardless of what they're doing in their lives, you drop everything.

[840] And, you know, you and I have three babies between us.

[841] I dropped one of my babies.

[842] Yeah.

[843] Was it Mikey or Charlie?

[844] Which one did you drop?

[845] I mean, who knows at this point?

[846] I don't know.

[847] One of them.

[848] You're a terrific mom.

[849] I threw my baby across the air like a football to my wife and said, Conan meets me. Literally, you know, Batman has his bat signal and I have something it's even cooler, which is an email chain that says, I'd like us all to meet at your convenience.

[850] Now, that doesn't sound as cool as a bat signal, but think about it in its own way, it is.

[851] You realize the modern Batman would just get a text.

[852] The bat signal's stupid, right?

[853] I mean, the modern Batman's just going to be on a text chain and Commissioner Gordon's going to be like, yo, Ridler, robbed a museum, and then Batman's going to be like on it and then emoji like, you know, that shows the teeth.

[854] Oh, yeah, they're like, ooh.

[855] Omoji.

[856] Or that one with the hands up like, what can I do?

[857] Yeah, what can I do?

[858] Yeah, like, yeah, busy.

[859] I'm dealing with the Joker.

[860] You handle the riddler.

[861] Well, this is like you're in the big metropolis right now.

[862] Yeah, let me explain what's happening.

[863] I have come to New York City.

[864] I made up this It's kind of funny But no 25 years ago I just started calling it The Big Apple and it caught on Oh Jesus That was me Nice job Yeah Why is it called the Big Apple Oh I'll tell you why It's just a funny end joke Yeah why the Apple Why not like a banana Well it was gonna be the Rudebaga It was Rudebaga And then we decided to change it But anyway I did that I called it the Big Apple And then it just caught on Like a lot of things I invented Streaking I started that in the 70s Oh Yeah Yeah because I bet you streaked in the 70s when you were like, what, nine?

[865] Yeah, I did.

[866] I started it when I was nine, and people thought it was disgusting.

[867] I just looked like a kid who didn't have any clothes.

[868] My point is this, and I always say that after a particularly stupid run.

[869] I'm in New York City to do some fantastic podcast interviews, so I've flown here.

[870] I went to Boston first, visited my family, drank a lot of Dunkin' Donuts, and high -five people wearing Boston Red Sox caps, then flew to New York last night, and now I'm in New York.

[871] And this means that at this moment, I have more edge and grit than either of you.

[872] Because you two are both back in L .A. Yeah, which means we have a lot more chill.

[873] Yeah, you guys have a lot of chill, and you probably just had your avocado toast.

[874] I had an avocado bath.

[875] Yeah, you had a bath and avocado, fresh -pureate avocado while you were reading the trades about, you know, the box office openings in the weekend.

[876] That's me and girls.

[877] But I'm here in New York.

[878] Excuse me. I'm sorry.

[879] I'm saying, yeah, that's what.

[880] what we do.

[881] We read trades.

[882] Yeah.

[883] You're always reading the trades.

[884] Like, oh, you know, this pick just, you know, did well.

[885] Oh.

[886] Oh.

[887] Whoa.

[888] Whoa.

[889] Whoa.

[890] Are you a finance bro right now where you don't understand the industry?

[891] I just don't really.

[892] I'm more than.

[893] You've never read a variety before.

[894] I'm an artist.

[895] I'm an artist.

[896] I just create.

[897] It's up to you guys to read your trades.

[898] You just doing some guerrilla street theater right now?

[899] Hey, that's me. Me and Banksy.

[900] We're always out doing our thing.

[901] We're real.

[902] But my point is that I'm in New York right now.

[903] I've been walking around.

[904] I've got edge.

[905] I've got grit.

[906] I feel it right now.

[907] And you two feel very weak and uncultured compared to me. I just walked past a couple of museums.

[908] You've been there for like six hours.

[909] I know.

[910] And you've been sleeping most of that.

[911] Yes.

[912] But in a very gritty hotel.

[913] I'd like to mention, by the way that you're wearing the most cozy like Target Great Land plaid blackwatch button up.

[914] You look like someone from home alone.

[915] You're very sweet and cozy looking.

[916] That's not gritty.

[917] Listen, I'm doing my best to hide my grit from my audience, which has never seen me like this.

[918] I'm like Charles Bronson right now in Death Wish.

[919] Oh, my God.

[920] I am.

[921] I am a gritty, tough urban cone.

[922] No, your life wish.

[923] What?

[924] Corley.

[925] What the hell is that?

[926] opposite of Death Wish.

[927] You're like just Mr. Mr. Love right now.

[928] No, I am not.

[929] You just texted us with the Conan.

[930] Email chain.

[931] That's the worst, that's the worst comeback I've ever heard.

[932] It's true.

[933] Look at me. More like Life Wish.

[934] That's awful.

[935] That, you know what?

[936] That was spoken like a guy who's sitting in 80 degree weather and he's wearing, you know, hey, whatever, I don't know what I'm wearing.

[937] I just threw on a t -shirt.

[938] I'm going to walk to the corner and get a, you know, a, a. smoothie and just enjoy the good vibes.

[939] Listen to the beach boys.

[940] I'm here in the shit, okay?

[941] I am here.

[942] This studio I'm in right now is surrounded, surrounded on all sides by, you know, roving gangs.

[943] What?

[944] Yeah.

[945] No, I've been to that studio.

[946] It's a really nice area of Manhattan.

[947] You know, it's, I think that you...

[948] We're right across the street from Bryant Park, which is where all the models assembled during fashion week.

[949] Yes.

[950] This area is tough.

[951] This is a tough area.

[952] That's also Christmas time.

[953] I've been to Bryant Park and there's like kiosks with delicate little light serving you pumpkin spice lattes.

[954] Yeah, those things are no joke.

[955] That's scary.

[956] I'm just telling you and I was disappointed because I really wanted it to be grittier because I'm really into the idea that I get a lot of grit and toughness when I come to New York.

[957] And the first thing I see when I step into Brian Park is they're serving pumpkin spice lattes.

[958] And supermodels are walking.

[959] around.

[960] Life wish.

[961] And I just became enraged.

[962] So I just was like, I can't handle this, man. New York needs some grit.

[963] And so I tipped over the pumpkin spice latte kiosk.

[964] What the hell?

[965] You mean just like Charles Bronson?

[966] Exactly.

[967] Just like Charles Bronson.

[968] I said, latte, I don't think so.

[969] This isn't death wish.

[970] This is life wish.

[971] And then the person at the kiosks, the person at the kiosk said, what a lame thing to say.

[972] And I went, I'm quoting Corley.

[973] Yeah, no, I just want you to know that if you pick up an edge or a toughness or a grit or sort of an urban desperation in my voice, it's because I'm New York City right now.

[974] I don't know.

[975] You know what?

[976] You know what?

[977] If you ever tip over a latte thing, not only would you help pick it up, but you would pay them and you would profusely apologize.

[978] I would.

[979] And you might even try it.

[980] Unless you were holding it, Sona, he would do it to you.

[981] That's true.

[982] Oh, that's true.

[983] If you were holding a latte, I'd knock it out of your hand.

[984] Yeah.

[985] Yeah.

[986] First, I'd check to make sure it wasn't too hot.

[987] I don't want anyone to be burned.

[988] Oh, that's so kind of you.

[989] I mean, if you're burned, it's fine.

[990] Oh, anyone else?

[991] Oh, okay.

[992] I got it.

[993] Got it.

[994] You can't sue me. I have too much dirt on you.

[995] I have dirt on you.

[996] I can sue you.

[997] I'm compiling a case against you, and Gorley's going to be one of my witnesses.

[998] I'm there.

[999] Can I dress like this for court?

[1000] You know what's great?

[1001] It's going to be in California.

[1002] Of course you can't.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] Yeah, you can, the judge will admonish you for not wearing sandals.

[1005] I find you for not wearing sandals.

[1006] Most court sessions take place at the beach now.

[1007] Oh, that'd be nice.

[1008] Do you really feel more gritty when you go to New York?

[1009] I kind of do.

[1010] I walk around.

[1011] I do my best to pretend it's 1970s New York, and that's hard because on every block there's three places to buy cupcakes.

[1012] And I'm always trying to block that out.

[1013] I'm always trying to pretend that I'm Charles.

[1014] Bronson and that I'm just barely surviving, but it's tough when people are, you know, offering you a free taste of a new delicious yogurt juice every 30 steps.

[1015] Anyway, let's wrap this up because I don't know how long I have to live here in the Big Apple, a name I coined.

[1016] It's pretty gritty.

[1017] Your return flight is later this week, so.

[1018] First call.

[1019] Yeah, we'll be back.

[1020] Please.

[1021] Yeah, but I may wander back to use.

[1022] Use the bathroom and coach.

[1023] And that's literally thinking my life in my hands.

[1024] You know, anything can go down.

[1025] Occasionally every now and then I just like to wander back there.

[1026] Use the bathroom and tell people I live on the edge.

[1027] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1028] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1029] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1030] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1031] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1032] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1033] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1034] Engineering by Will Beckton.

[1035] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[1036] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1037] Got a question for Conan?

[1038] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1039] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1040] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1041] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.