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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] And Beguin.
[17] And Beguine.
[18] Welcome.
[19] This is my favorite murder.
[20] The minisode.
[21] where we are many.
[22] We're so tiny.
[23] We shrink down to tell you stories.
[24] We get really cute and tiny.
[25] And you send us your hometown murders, things that you found in your apartment, stuff your grandparents have done.
[26] It could really be anything.
[27] We love stories.
[28] And that's what we're about to read you right now.
[29] Do you want me to go first?
[30] Should I go first?
[31] Please do, because I did last time.
[32] Okay.
[33] I'll go first.
[34] Then, in that case, this is called being locked in a car trunk is not as much fun as it seems oh uh it just starts i grew up in the late 80s and early 90s with numerous siblings so naturally my family drove a station wagon it was a classic blue with wood paneling no seatbelts no car seats we just roll around the back as my mom drove around clueless to how our death could be imminent with just the right accident yeah anyhow the station wagon was the only car i was familiar with until my dad bought a second family car, so he didn't have to ride his bike back and forth to work any longer.
[35] He bought a bright red 1980 Mercury Cougar, and immediately we were so impressed by the trunk because station wagons didn't have one.
[36] Yeah, that's right.
[37] We had never seen such a wondrous contraption.
[38] We were so curious what it was like to ride in the trunk that we began asking to ride in it everywhere we went.
[39] We were relentless.
[40] We wouldn't take no for an answer.
[41] We couldn't spend more than 10 minutes together without fighting, but somehow decided to be shoved, being shoved together in a pitch black trunk sounded like a great idea.
[42] Dad said no, but nonetheless, we persisted.
[43] Finally, one day, he agreed that two of us could ride to Walmart in the trunk, while the other two could ride in the trunk on the way back home.
[44] We get to Walmart, and I somehow managed to lose my family as they shopped and wandered around Walmart, lost alone for hours, at least that's how it felt to my five -year -old mind.
[45] I found them at last, and they were loading up the groceries in the parking.
[46] lot.
[47] I love that they just paid and fucking left.
[48] They were like, bye.
[49] He'll find us.
[50] She'll find us.
[51] I don't know it.
[52] Clearly they were less concerned about me being missing than I was because they went about their business, but I was frantic.
[53] I was crying so hard that my dad scoop me up, hug me tight, and then gently placed me inside the trunk cautioning me to watch your head as he closed me and my sister inside.
[54] The ride in the trunk was everything you could imagine it to be.
[55] Hot.
[56] dark, bumpy.
[57] I remember my sister yelling at me to stop touching her as we flopped around back there.
[58] Oh my God.
[59] Did they have my older sister as their sister?
[60] I was grateful the trip was only 10 minutes long.
[61] When we were let out of the trunk, I remember thinking, I'd never do that again.
[62] And went about my day playing until 30 minutes later when the police show up at our door to question us.
[63] Yes.
[64] Someone saw my dad place a crying child in the trunk of the car and drive away.
[65] After my dad convinced So we were all his children and he hadn't snatched any of us.
[66] They spoke to each of us to make sure we weren't being abused.
[67] Oh, my God.
[68] I can remember them asking my three -year -old little brother if his daddy ever hurts him.
[69] And he responded, quote, only when I'm bad.
[70] They were going to take us away and put us up for adoption.
[71] My dad laughed hysterically through the whole thing because he couldn't believe how ridiculous it all was.
[72] The police must not have heard anything that worried them too much again because they left us with just a warning to, never ride in the trunk again.
[73] And we didn't.
[74] Stay sexy and don't ride in a trunk just because it looks fun.
[75] Leanne.
[76] Oh my God.
[77] I love the idea, though, that the dad's like, this is ridiculous.
[78] It's like, no, no, no. You picked up a crying child and put them into the trunk of a car.
[79] You truly could be arrested for child endangerment for this, like, bottom of the fucking basics.
[80] Nothing is explainable.
[81] Imagine these days that happening.
[82] That guy would get arrested immediately.
[83] Yes.
[84] Oh, my God.
[85] But in the 80s and 90s, it's like, that's, don't do that again.
[86] Please don't do that anymore.
[87] Because you really scared us.
[88] There's a woman who had a heart attack in that parking lot watching you load a child.
[89] Oh, my God.
[90] That would be bone chilling.
[91] Okay.
[92] The subject line of this one is my summer haunted, my super haunted summer camp.
[93] Because you were the last time you were saying you wanted a haunted one.
[94] That's right.
[95] Ghost stories, please.
[96] And this is left over from the Medford hometown.
[97] So we asked for.
[98] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Steve.
[99] and Elvis, Mimi, Dottie, Frank, and George.
[100] Wow.
[101] First off, I love your podcast.
[102] Can't wait to see you in Medford in October.
[103] How was it?
[104] My summer camp is a sleepaway camp in western Massachusetts in the absolute middle of nowhere.
[105] We're on a mountain in the woods with the nearest town having 140 people in it.
[106] There is no cell service, so it adds an extra creepy factor when I listen to your podcast in the dark in the woods.
[107] There are a bunch of ghosts on camp, but usually they show up in the off season when the kids aren't on camp they keep saying on camp oh that's like when people from the east coast say on get online yeah when they're saying get in line yeah that's right um dummies no what about the word at okay there is the kitchen ghost in the director's house in the winter the people who have lived there going back 10 years have said opens the door walks in and puts its groceries away at the same time every day but when you walk in there's no one there there's also the ghost in the middle girl's unit that shakes the bunk beds every few years and we'll bang on the walls scaring the total shit out of the campers.
[108] We also have the ghost called Horrible Hannah and she burns down a building on camp every seven years.
[109] What?
[110] Yeah, but the ghost that prompted me to write you was one from this summer.
[111] In the middle boys unit, in the middle of the night, when it was pouring, two counselors, Sam and Jack, fake.
[112] names were woken up by what they thought was one of their very homesick campers crying.
[113] They decided to let him cry it out a bit and see if he would fall back to sleep until they heard him say, help, they locked me out and I can't get back in.
[114] So obviously, they both hopped out of bed and one of them went to open the door.
[115] Sam let him in and felt him brush by him and get into bed.
[116] And both Jack and Sam heard him say, thank you.
[117] Sam turned on the cabin light to help the camper get back into bed.
[118] and there was no camper there.
[119] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There were also no wet footsteps on the ground, despite the fact that had been pouring for hours and all the other campers, including the homesick camper, were fast asleep in their beds.
[120] Jack told everyone on camp the next day and totally said he wouldn't have believed it if it wasn't for him, and Sam both having experienced it, it didn't happen again, but everyone on camp can't stop talking about it.
[121] Thank you so much for reading this.
[122] Sorry, it's so long, and thank you so much for being so open.
[123] about mental health.
[124] I've been getting more open over the years about my mental health struggles but listening to you to talk about yours has helped me continue to talk about it and helps to end the stigma.
[125] Jillian.
[126] And in parentheses it's just said like Jillian but spelled with a G. Oh my God.
[127] Isn't that a good ghost story?
[128] That's scary.
[129] When children, when it's ghost children who are crying goodbye.
[130] Goodbye.
[131] What happened?
[132] Why is that energy trapped in that cabin?
[133] Oh, why is it crying.
[134] Why is it crying?
[135] And you just let it in.
[136] Now it's going to stick with you forever.
[137] That's right until you meet a priest.
[138] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[139] Absolutely.
[140] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[141] Exactly.
[142] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[143] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[144] That's right.
[145] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[146] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[147] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[148] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[149] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[150] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can't too.
[151] Connect with customers in line.
[152] and online, do retail right with Shopify.
[153] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[154] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[155] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[156] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[157] Goodbye.
[158] Hey, this is exciting.
[159] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[160] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[161] But there's a mystery hang.
[162] over everyone who killed saz and were they really after charles why would someone want to kill charles this season murder hits close to home with a threat against one of their own the stakes are higher than ever plus the gang is going to hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie amid the glitz and glamour of los angeles more mysteries and twists arise who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll get ready for the stariest season yet with merrill streep Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[163] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[164] Goodbye.
[165] All right, this is called Spooky Museum Artifact, and it is art called to action.
[166] If you work in a museum, send us the weird shit that is in your museum.
[167] That's right.
[168] Here we go.
[169] We love it.
[170] Hello, spooky ladies and adorable animal companions.
[171] Okay.
[172] I'm a curator at a small history museum in Central Florida.
[173] I recently listened to your mini episode where you asked for interesting museum artifacts, so I thought it'd share mine.
[174] My museum is dedicated to the history of the town of Lake Wales, which is your typical Florida small town based on citrus and cattle.
[175] Nice.
[176] And insanity?
[177] And either, one of my favorite artifacts I found was in a half -collapsed derelict building.
[178] Think cobwebs, broken windows, plywood on doors, and graffiti on the walls.
[179] Cool.
[180] That the city owns and stores random stuff, some of which belongs to the museum.
[181] About four months ago, I was looking through with a volunteer and found a long wicker box, roughly three feet wide, by six foot long.
[182] Uh -oh.
[183] Six feet long.
[184] I couldn't figure out what it was, so we loaded up on a truck and brought it to the museum where I could clean it.
[185] Once I cleaned it, I found a small metal plaque that said it was made by a company called Frid Fluid in Chicago.
[186] I looked them up, and it turns out they're a funeral supply company.
[187] Frid fluid?
[188] Yeah.
[189] That's a creepy name.
[190] Yep, it turns out my giant wicker box is a cor, is a wicker.
[191] coffin.
[192] Wicker.
[193] This one was likely produced from 1905 to 1925.
[194] They would be used by the police to pick up bodies at crime scenes or death scenes, crime or death, whatever, since they were lightweight.
[195] Also, since medical science at this time still had some trouble telling when someone was dead, you could store a body in it while you figure out if they're dead or not.
[196] Oh, no. The wicker allows air in for the possible corpse to breathe, but still keeps out most insects or animals who might like to chew on a tasty corpse.
[197] Once at the funeral home, the body was, would be moved into a proper burial coffin.
[198] The local funeral home was cleaning out a closet about 30 years ago, found it, and thought the museum may like it.
[199] A big part of why I went to museum, a big part of why I went to history and museums is that I love macab history stories, so I was thrilled to find this.
[200] Unfortunately, my boss finds it a bit unsettling, so now it's in storage till I can convince her to let me put it out on display.
[201] Thank you for reading my story, and remember, museums are full of neat, spooky artifacts.
[202] Sometimes we just have to keep them behind closed doors.
[203] stay sexy and don't get murdered.
[204] Bartholomew.
[205] Wow.
[206] Yeah.
[207] Wicker coffin.
[208] Wicker coffin.
[209] Oh, there's a photo that Steven is handing us.
[210] What?
[211] We'll put it up on the Instagram.
[212] Oh, no, it's so bad.
[213] Let me see it.
[214] It looks, it's really creepy.
[215] Oh, that's the creepy.
[216] It looks like what I would normally carry as a purse, but in a giant coffin size, like a vintage purse.
[217] You know what it reminds me of is we had this really old family photo album where it was like the black paper on the outside and all the pictures of black and white and yeah i have a bunch of this and um they're in there there was a picture of a baby that had died no you're because they were one of those families they well no no no they all used to do that in like back then 20s 20s 30s they would if a child died they would take their picture and i think that was in the background because the second i just because the wicker is black it's not like it looks like it was painted black it's like kind of now grayish yeah don't think if you're thinking wicker coffin it's not a picnic basket it is creepy scary summertime Dracula are you ready for this one sure the subject line is my mom and two bank robberies cool hi everyone i want to preface this by saying that my mom is totally fine but this definitely everyone prefaced their um can everyone preface their yeah of how everyone is yeah um this definitely falls under the umbrella of creepy coincidence.
[218] This all happened within the last year.
[219] My mom used to work at a church rectory.
[220] There are two banks right around it, one on the same side of the street and one across.
[221] One day before work, my mom went into the bank across the street to do, you know, bank stuff.
[222] There was only one teller open and someone behind her in line.
[223] She did her banking and left for work.
[224] You'd say online or in line?
[225] They said in line.
[226] Thank God.
[227] Norm is restored.
[228] About 15 minutes later, the rectory doorbell rang and it was a police officer.
[229] officer asking her, um, asking her if the church or rectory had any security cameras that they might show any of the sidewalk of the banker across the street because it was just robbed.
[230] What?
[231] She said, no, but then asked, what do you mean it was just robbed?
[232] I was just in there.
[233] The officer showed her the bank security footage.
[234] You see my mom leave.
[235] No. And then the man behind her approaches the teller and slips a teller, the teller note saying that he's robbing the bank me as a gun.
[236] My mom was totally floored.
[237] but she wasn't really in the bank so it's fine it was just a wow what the fuck story no that's so creepy fast forward a few months my mom is in the other bank doing some banking for my grandmother and she's at one teller filling out some forms when she notices that the guy who had been behind her in line who had gone to another teller and is leaving kind of quickly but seems to be dropping money all over the floor what she's about to be like hey mister you're dropping all of your money but he's moving too fast and she's distracted by the slip she's filling out so the guy power walks to the door holds the door open for someone coming in and then puts something in the handles so that they can't get out and chase after them the teller the man had gone to looks up and says we just got robbed he slid he had slid the teller a note saying that he had a gun and wanted money but the teller had given him one of those fake hollow blocks that are just supposed to look like money there's a die pack concealed inside and only a couple of real $20 bills on the top of the blocks.
[238] He must have noticed, which is what he threw it all down on the ground.
[239] When the police came and were questioning everyone in the bank, my mom told the detective taking her statement about the other bank robbery.
[240] She'd nearly been in in the middle of and the detective said, I think you might want to try online banking.
[241] Ugh.
[242] Oh.
[243] They don't think it was the same guy, but now my mom says that if someone gets in line behind her at the bank again she's going to turn around and take their picture happy fall murderino stay sexy and maybe stick to online baking if you can best basha amazing that's so good are the chances i mean so even being one is like fucking one in a million i know you know and i love that she just kind of isn't paying attention yeah she's like excuse me so you're dropping all this money i've got other shit to deal with don't we all um Karen georgia stephen and lovely pets I got my husband a 23 of me for Christmas because I was pregnant with our second child and want to see what the European nationality was.
[244] He was always told he was French and Scandinavian.
[245] Fun gift.
[246] We moved after Christmas, blah, blah, blah.
[247] They lost it.
[248] Then he found it again.
[249] Let's say.
[250] Okay, cut to.
[251] Early May 2017, he told me he was fascinated to learn that he was mostly Irish.
[252] And he was so excited to see the results.
[253] I was sleep deprived, newborn, and went to bed.
[254] he woke me up around 10 p .m. with a strange look on his face telling me that he has two half -sisters.
[255] My initial thought was, did his dad cheat on his mom?
[256] Or did his whole other than a Christian mom cheat on his dad?
[257] He ended up exchanging phone numbers with one of his half -sisters.
[258] And as we were talking about this, she called him.
[259] I told him to wake me up again when he knew more.
[260] Around 1 a .m., he woke me up and told me that the man he knew as his dad was not his dad.
[261] Holy shit.
[262] His half -sister told him that he was conceived via sperm donor at a hospital in the early 80s and that he was one of at least nine half siblings that they knew of.
[263] What in the actual fuck?
[264] The next couple of days, he was wondering how he would broach the subject with his mom and dad.
[265] He finally just said that he had gotten his DNA testing.
[266] His mom called a family meeting and admitted that his dad couldn't father kids.
[267] My husband actually had a strained relationship with his family, especially his sister, actually half sister, different donor dads.
[268] Through this revelation, he found out that he went to college with his half sister.
[269] Good thing they never hooked up.
[270] And he found a half -brother that he just absolutely adores.
[271] His half -brother had lymphoma.
[272] And of all the donor siblings, my husband is the only perfect match for him if he should ever need a stem cell transplant.
[273] Wow.
[274] Once the brother with cancer found out that my husband was a stem cell match, he and his wife decided to do IVF after trying for 10 years to have a baby.
[275] They had their own baby girl in April 2018, and he is now in remission.
[276] Me and my girls met their new aunt, uncle, and baby cousin.
[277] and I felt like I had known them for years and was told the feeling was mutual.
[278] These are my people.
[279] My husband's parents hate me for getting my husband this test and exposing their family secret, but that's their problem to deal with, not mine.
[280] Stay sexy and don't regret buying a DNA test that exposes family secrets, thus making your in -laws hate you more than they already did, Anna.
[281] Whoa.
[282] Yeah.
[283] A lot of issues in that family.
[284] Lots of issues.
[285] I mean, that's so intense.
[286] I think that's a thing that, like, Like, well, you know, it's funny is that that's, you've seen that Australian show sisters.
[287] And we talked about it.
[288] I love that show.
[289] Everyone watch it.
[290] It's on Netflix.
[291] It's really good, but it's similar.
[292] Yeah.
[293] Someone finding out they have a bunch of brothers and sisters that they didn't know they had.
[294] And then being like, oh my God, thank God we didn't hook up.
[295] Oh, it's so crazy.
[296] Watch the Australian or is it.
[297] It's Australian.
[298] It's Australian show sisters on Netflix.
[299] It's fucking charming as shit.
[300] Oh my God.
[301] That's crazy.
[302] Send us your fucking stories.
[303] Everyone, my favorite murder of Gmail.
[304] Yeah.
[305] The dance floor is open.
[306] You can pretty much do what you want.
[307] Thanks for sending everything in.
[308] We love getting these.
[309] This is like the best part of the week for us.
[310] And stay sexy.
[311] And don't get murdered.
[312] Goodbye.
[313] Elvis, you want a cookie?