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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Go, goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] You've reached my favorite murder podcast.
[18] You've reached 323.
[19] Don't say my phone number It'll be fun Let's just see what happens If you have memorized my phone number I would be greatly impressed with you Wouldn't that be cool?
[20] Dude I don't know my own phone number I don't I think I know your area code Every time I have to put my phone number Into like any kind of a form That I'm filling out I have to say it out loud And like picture it in my mind I did Vince and I memorized each other's phone numbers Way back when just in case of emergency For safety Let's do each other's too Okay.
[21] So in case my emergency events.
[22] We'll memorize it better if it's on the show and everyone helps us.
[23] We can just listen to it over and over again.
[24] This is my favorite word of all we talk about phone numbers.
[25] Guys.
[26] But seriously, Stephen, give it your phone number on there right now.
[27] Steven, you do it.
[28] You do it for everyone.
[29] Five -five.
[30] Perfect.
[31] Dinosaur.
[32] Yep.
[33] Podcast.
[34] It's the dinosaur hotline.
[35] What if it was just podcast?
[36] P -O -D.
[37] Of people just reciting their phone numbers?
[38] Yes.
[39] Linda Berry, who's a great comic book artist and writer, I took a writing class of hers, and she does this exercise giving an example of how if you draw a memory, if you write about memories from your childhood, they're much richer than adult.
[40] And she goes, here's an example.
[41] What's your first phone number?
[42] Know it immediately.
[43] Right?
[44] Everyone starts smiling and giggling and everybody can recite their first phone number.
[45] And then she's like, okay, how about two phone numbers ago?
[46] You have no fucking clue.
[47] Because who cares by that point in life?
[48] You're just dead inside that you just don't care.
[49] A phone isn't exciting anymore.
[50] No. 762, 3, 2, 2, 2, 1.
[51] 5 -5 -8 -9.
[52] Okay.
[53] Let's talk and think about hometown murders.
[54] Yeah, let's really focus on what we were bringing to the people this week, which is their own stories.
[55] Which is the people.
[56] The people.
[57] Do you ever get offended that I go first all the time?
[58] I could not give a single shit.
[59] I tried.
[60] Do you get offended that?
[61] Hold on.
[62] You care about this podcast, though, right?
[63] Yeah.
[64] No, I always just do it.
[65] It feels like it's my first line all the time.
[66] I'm not holding the papers because I'm expecting you to go first.
[67] She puts her stuff aside.
[68] I take it as a silent cue.
[69] Okay.
[70] Okay.
[71] The subject line of this is, my mom would probably get arrested if she did this today.
[72] I love it.
[73] Hey, FM fam.
[74] When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with scary movies.
[75] and my mom loved Halloween.
[76] My birthday is in October, so on my 13th or 14th birthday, I decided to have a sleepover, where we planned to watch a scary movie and just hang out.
[77] When my friends and I had settled in to watch Psycho in the living room, my mom left us there to go pick up pizza.
[78] I know what she's going to do.
[79] It all set the scene.
[80] My parents' living room was a big open space that had a huge glass door out to the deck in one direction, connected to the kitchen in another direction, and the foyer in the front door the other way.
[81] A while after my mom left, as we watched the movie in the dark, a large man began pounding on the back door.
[82] He was standing on the deck looking in.
[83] We, of course, jumped up and began running in all directions and began screaming.
[84] You're probably thinking, oh, no, then they called 911.
[85] No, we didn't.
[86] Why?
[87] I don't know.
[88] Other than to say that teenagers are really fucking stupid sometimes.
[89] Just as we began to calm down and try to figure out what to do, a pounding came from the front door.
[90] as I moved toward the door again why you stupid stupid girl the same large man stuck his hand in the door and began waving it around yelling something i don't remember now i slammed the door closed and locked it just moments later and mind you we were still running around screaming and not calling 911 we heard the garage door open and my mom walked in as we hysterically tried to tell her what happened she seemed not to believe us holding it together only for a few moments and then dissolved into laughter that's right my own mother recruited our neighbor down the street to stage a motherfucking break in just to scare us.
[91] Can you imagine if she pulled that shit today, she'd get arrested or at the very least child services would be called.
[92] Oh my God.
[93] Surprisingly, I have no lasting damage from this incident and it did go down as a great sleepover according to my friends.
[94] Yeah.
[95] Thanks so much for everything you do in this crazy awesome community that you've created because of MFFM.
[96] I've met a group of women who are helping me achieve my wildest, craziest dream of writing a book.
[97] Yay.
[98] S -S -T -G -M -K.
[99] That's awesome.
[100] That's so rad.
[101] I keep thinking about, like, what if they had grabbed a knife?
[102] I would have stabbed at that hand.
[103] I mean, that is the worst.
[104] It's the worst idea.
[105] It's the worst idea.
[106] And at the same time, that's like, and I can't remember if I told the story or not.
[107] My crazy friend, Brian, who I used to work at the gap with, who one time told me a story that he thought was really funny where he broke into his friend's house wearing a panty hose on his face with a knife in his hand no he crawled into his hit her kitchen window a female yes what a dick and she kicked him in the balls and beat the shit out of him and then he got really mad at her and then she and then she was like I'm not talking anymore and he's like what I thought it was funny oh my god what an asshole but you have to know I love her yeah really hilarious he he just thought I was like when he told me the story I was laughing but I was also like, Brian, what is Rockleyfield?
[108] You're such like a guy.
[109] You don't understand why that is the scariest possible thing.
[110] Right, and why this person would never want to speak to you again.
[111] Rightly so.
[112] Oh, Brian.
[113] Brian, also imagine having a 13 -year -old.
[114] You have to hate them so much at that point that you just want to fuck with them.
[115] So good for the mom.
[116] Yeah, she probably is like, her only sanity left.
[117] Let me give you a little perspective of all the things you're like crying and pouting about around the house.
[118] Yeah.
[119] Let's give you a little dose of an idiot.
[120] reality let mommy give you a dose of reality you will pick up a pizza i'll get your fucking pizza you know your mom is bullshitting you if she goes to pick up a pizza in this right from 1979 on whenever they invented dominoes there's no picking up pizza you don't no mother goes to pick up pizza there's no such thing why get pizza let's take out yeah take out pizza take out any food okay okay we're done we're done I can't tell you the name of this because it's funny.
[121] Okay.
[122] It's a reveal.
[123] It's a bit of a reveal.
[124] It's a reveal.
[125] Hello, ladies, Stephen, pets.
[126] Georgia turned and looked at Elvis to say pets to him.
[127] I did.
[128] Yes.
[129] You included Elvis in that.
[130] Like, conversational.
[131] Pets.
[132] I did.
[133] I gestured to him.
[134] Yep.
[135] He wants to be included.
[136] He really does.
[137] It's all over his face.
[138] he longs to be a part of this okay I am an army spouse living in Germany you know the Elvis his Instagram account just got to 100 ,000 followers today congratulations Elvis he's really proud of himself Stephen's doing a quiet clap thank you it's all I've ever wanted is for this cat to be famous and he's there and there we are okay I'm an army spouse living in Germany your show gets me through every time my husband is away we're stationed in bomb holder Funny coincidence, Jeffrey Dahmer was actually stationed at the same base and lived in the barracks here.
[139] Oh.
[140] Apparently, he didn't, well, he didn't commit any murders that we know of.
[141] He did sexually assault his roommate and maybe a few others.
[142] Jesus.
[143] I had too much wine at an Easter dinner we hosted with friends we were still getting to know recently.
[144] Uh -oh.
[145] I 100 % overshared information about him and totally freaked everyone out.
[146] I also revealed to my neighbors that I thought our neighbor was Bradford Bishop.
[147] I'm still convinced he is and talked about murder at myself.
[148] son's third birthday party.
[149] This is just before I casually said about my son.
[150] Yeah, he was throwing up this morning, but I think he's fine now.
[151] Having already served my neighbor's cake, which my son sprayed spit all over while blowing his candles out.
[152] I really need to lay off the wine.
[153] Anyways, we've hit a whole new area of stories.
[154] Yeah.
[155] Which is just like stuff I fucked up this week.
[156] Right.
[157] Tell us how you've horrified your neighbors or tell us some neighbor stories.
[158] I love it.
[159] Anyways, my stories from a few years back when we were living in.
[160] in Richmond Hill, Georgia.
[161] My husband was deployed to Afghanistan.
[162] We lived in a one -story house and my dog, Kayla, and I were asleep in the back bedroom.
[163] At 2 a .m., Kayla started barking frantically.
[164] The hair on the back of her neck stood up.
[165] She ran into the living room, freaked the fuck out, and ran back to me and stood in front of me like she was trying to protect me. I could hear noises coming from the front door.
[166] Naturally, the first person I called was, as a fully grown adult woman, was my mom.
[167] My family was vacationing in a lodge in North Carolina, and my mom had to stand in a corner of a room to hear me because the reception was so bad.
[168] She advised me to call the police, which I did.
[169] Explain the situation to the operator who is very understanding and stayed on the line with me until the officers arrived at the door.
[170] I opened my front door to two officers shining a mag light on my chubby cat, Phoebe.
[171] Phoebe had a habit of looking up our glass storm door at the moths on our porch.
[172] For some reason that night, I didn't notice her and shut my front door, wedging her between the storm door and the front door.
[173] Poor baby must have been stuck there for several hours before she freaked out and tried to move herself.
[174] It must have been quite the sight for the cops.
[175] One cop was very concerned about her well -being.
[176] The other was clearly very annoyed with me. She was totally fine.
[177] I tried to snuggle her, but she swatted me away as she is fiercely private and I think was a little embarrassed.
[178] S -S -D -GM, Alyssa.
[179] P .S. Here's a picture of Kayla and Phoebe.
[180] Oh.
[181] I don't care.
[182] That's hilarious.
[183] There is nothing scarier than a dog barking in the middle than I'm.
[184] It is, that's the time George did that the first time she, oh, there they are.
[185] What?
[186] There's Phoebe.
[187] They're cuddling.
[188] Oh, they're cuddling.
[189] It's a pet friends.
[190] That's the sweetest thing of every year.
[191] The cats, they don't know if they're cuddling or the cat is trying to smother the dog, but they're sleeping about it.
[192] It still looks like fun, fun pet friend stuff.
[193] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[194] Absolutely.
[195] And when you say vintage, you mean.
[196] mean, when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[197] Exactly.
[198] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[199] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[200] That's right.
[201] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[202] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[203] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in -person.
[204] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[205] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[206] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[207] Connect with customers in line and online.
[208] Do retail right with Shopify.
[209] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[210] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[211] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[212] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[213] Goodbye.
[214] Hey, this is exciting.
[215] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[216] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[217] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[218] Who killed Saz?
[219] And were they really after Charles?
[220] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[221] This season, murder hits close to home.
[222] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[223] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[224] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[225] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[226] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[227] Only murders in the building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[228] Goodbye.
[229] Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and all.
[230] When I was 17, I attended a small K through 12 laboratory school on the local universities campus have you ever heard of a laboratory school no they must specialize in doing stuff in the laboratory smart kids probably smarties homework style kids yeah how do you do homework i never figured it out i couldn't do it no no patients never no uh congratulations all you laboratory school kids that could do homework the school was built back in the night like 1920s so much to our teachers dismay students would often discover some of the buildings old quirks like the secret entrances to the university's underground tunnel system what cool and mysterious passageways hidden beneath or behind gates in the auditorium but other than the occasional discovery or passed down myth the school was just about as boring as any other except that it was a laboratory school until one morning we got a weird PA announcement that we were to evacuate the school immediately.
[231] There were no fire alarms and the teachers us ushered us into another campus building so we were immediately tipped off that something weird was going on and then the bomb squad showed up.
[232] Shut up.
[233] It turns out that one of the teachers was cleaning out an old unorganized chemical closet when they found crystallized pickric acid in parentheses TNP.
[234] Don't know it.
[235] It's a I didn't go to a lab school so You're going to have to explain this to me. Yeah, I've never heard of pickric acid in my life.
[236] Okay, that they estimated had been sitting there for over 50 years with no one knowing about it.
[237] The night before, my favorite timid science teacher was dragged into the situation to help identify the substance, so she filled me in the next day.
[238] I definitely noped out of studying science, but from what she explained, pickric acid was an explosive that was used in bombs and grenades in World War I, but was later replaced by TNT, which was less powerful, but safer to manufacture.
[239] In its liquid state, it's apparently safe enough to let high schoolers experiment with.
[240] But basically, once it's crystallized, it can explode from rapid heating, a big enough impact, or reacting with metal.
[241] And the teacher from the 50s that tucked the sucker away, you guessed it, put a metal lid on the container.
[242] Who the fuck?
[243] The teachers called the university and the proper channels that night, but apparently it was chill to let us come to school the next day.
[244] While the professionals came in to check it out down the hall.
[245] Luckily, the bomb squad got it out via pulley system from the second story window, and no one was injured.
[246] But just the thought of attending school for over 10 years where there was a bomb in the upstairs closet gives me the chills.
[247] Anyway, stay sexy and clean out your damn closet, Lizzie.
[248] You guys, that's a safety lesson for it today.
[249] Don't put your pickric acid with metal.
[250] Pickric acid.
[251] Acid.
[252] All right.
[253] That's a good one.
[254] I like it.
[255] All right.
[256] You never know.
[257] Tell me things.
[258] Okay.
[259] This one's called.
[260] Well, I don't know which one to read.
[261] All right.
[262] Okay.
[263] Here we go.
[264] This one's called, I laughed at my home invaders too.
[265] Oh.
[266] Hello, Georgia and Karen and Company.
[267] I like that.
[268] After listening to episode 124, hearing Georgia, assumed she'd laugh if she were going about her business in her home and saw an intruder, I thought, hey, I did that.
[269] I'd like to tell you the story that how I woke up, I woke up too sexy and somehow didn't get murdered.
[270] One night in 2015, when I was, when I lived with a few roommates in Pittsburgh, I woke up to a man telling me to get the fuck up.
[271] Now, I was very soundly sleeping commando in, and in a nightie, don't ask why I don't know.
[272] Air it out, girl.
[273] Sure.
[274] I was very confused and figured it was one of my roommates, drunk friends coming to harass me to wake up and drink.
[275] I politely told them to fuck off and get out of my room at which point they started shouting in me to give them my phone and tell me where the money is all while I have a gun to my head this is where things started to become more clear oh shit I was being robbed I don't know what came over me maybe it was the fact that I had no wonder on and I was terrified of being raped but I started cursing at these masked intruders and I gave them my phone I laughed in their face when they asked where the money is because I was 25 living with four other people and completely broke.
[276] They had my three roommates face down on a bed on the lower floor.
[277] I had an attic room, attic room, and they were trying to get me to come with them so I would be with the rest of them.
[278] In total, there were four intruders.
[279] It took three of them to get me five, three and 125 pounds to come downstairs.
[280] I demanded that I grabbed a hoodie to wrap around my waist that I knew had a stabby cat in it just in case they got physical.
[281] Wow.
[282] Oh, my God.
[283] So brave?
[284] Question mark?
[285] They forced me down the steps while I yelled at them not to hurt my cat.
[286] That was just lying there next to my bed.
[287] Totally chill.
[288] For the next 20 minutes or so, the four men took turns, laughing, pushing guns in our heads and our backs while they ransacked our home.
[289] I continue to call them stupid idiots, fucking assholes, pieces of shit, etc. My roommates begged me to shut up.
[290] Yeah, you should have shut up.
[291] You should have shut up.
[292] That's insane.
[293] I don't know what came over me. I'm the kindest, most peaceful person.
[294] in every situation, but I guess my fight or flight kicked in.
[295] Yeah.
[296] To wrap things up, the dudes left.
[297] My one roommate phoned someone on Skype to call the cops.
[298] I threw on clothes and ran to the gas station to phone the cops too.
[299] By the time I got back, the cops were there.
[300] They didn't catch anyone that night.
[301] And the next day around 2 p .m., one of the idiot robbers came back for my roommate's car and sped off with it.
[302] Luckily, my friend was there with a cell phone so I could call the cops immediately.
[303] They got the car, but the robber bailed and ran.
[304] All foreign roommates left the house immediately.
[305] after the robbery.
[306] However, I stuck around and checked the locks on every single door and window a few times a night for a few weeks.
[307] You know, the usual.
[308] After a few years of therapy and sweet medication, I am finally ready to move into my own studio apartment next month, and it helps to have a dog who now barks at literally anything.
[309] Yes.
[310] Thanks for all you do and helping ladies like me to stay sexy and not get murdered.
[311] Love you, Amanda.
[312] Wow.
[313] Girl.
[314] Well, yeah, she was in a mode where she was just like her mouth was going.
[315] Yeah.
[316] She was, that was her panic thing.
[317] Plucky.
[318] Of fighting.
[319] That is, yeah, not when, not when there's a gun at your head.
[320] No, three people with guns.
[321] No, no, no. She got lucky.
[322] Well, I'm glad that she, like, can live alone now.
[323] Yeah.
[324] That's good.
[325] That's a really hard thing to go through.
[326] I think the dog thing is essential.
[327] Dogs, they kill it.
[328] I mean, whether it's a fat cat stuck in a doorway or a true killer, they will let you know.
[329] Yep, Elvis, you have never done anything like that.
[330] or like Frank where he just sometimes barks at the ceiling okay is he wrong ceiling is probably being a dick did I tell you the horrible story about Frank barking and then and I was like shut up and I was yelling at him because he never normally barks in like when we're all laying down in the TV room chilling out uh no he the next morning I got up there was a dead bird did I tell you that dead bird on the dog bed it George was laying on it And Frank was barking because he wanted to go lick it and lay on it.
[331] And when I walked in the room, all the lights were out and I'd been gone all day.
[332] So it just looked, you know, I didn't like flick the lights on and inspect everything.
[333] So I never saw the bird.
[334] You're just like hugging George.
[335] I was, I touched both of those dogs and they're dumb.
[336] I mean, it was so disgusting.
[337] And Frank's like, get up.
[338] That's my fucking bird, dude.
[339] Next time Frank does just like consistent barking, I'm going to pay attention to him.
[340] Because it was so awful.
[341] That's disgusting.
[342] Also, just like birds, yeah, they have so many bugs on them.
[343] Oh, they're filthy.
[344] It's horrifying.
[345] They're filthy.
[346] And they licked it like a goddamn lollipop.
[347] All right.
[348] My grandmother escaped a P .O .W. camp.
[349] Since there have been a whole mess of World War II stories lately, I figure I might as well throw my grandmother's story into the ring.
[350] Do it.
[351] My Oma grew up in Yugoslavia on a farm with her parents who were raised in Germany and relocated before my grandmother was born.
[352] They stayed in Yugoslavia until the war broke out.
[353] Russian soldiers eventually overtook the village they lived in and ripped my grandmother and her parents from their home and put them in a prisoner of war camp.
[354] After working in the camp for several months, my Oma was alone.
[355] She had been separated from her father and mother and had been killed.
[356] She had been separated from her father and her mother had been killed by one of the guards.
[357] She said one day that just happened to be her birthday, her 13th birthday.
[358] She was digging in the dirt near one of the border gates trying to pass the time.
[359] I guess.
[360] Where she was digging, a guard was walking the perimeter of the fence back and forth to keep an eye on her and anyone else who was within close proximity.
[361] She said that as she continued to dig, she noticed that at one point, the guard had turned his back to her and kept walking in the opposite direction.
[362] Instead of turning around, he just kept on walking away from my oma.
[363] Without thinking, she got up and walked over to the fence, slid her skinny, malnourished body through the bars, and ran.
[364] The camp was in the middle of nowhere.
[365] There weren't any trees, and the nearest town was miles away.
[366] To this day, she doesn't know if the guard saw her and spared her life or if he just never turned back around.
[367] She has no idea how how no one saw her since there was nowhere for her to hide.
[368] She just kept running until she ended up in the nearest town where she stayed with a distant relative.
[369] After the war, she was reunited with her father, met my grandfather, and they all eventually moved to Michigan.
[370] I'm 26, and I hadn't heard the story until recently.
[371] my aunt asked my oma how she got out of the camp and my oma looked at her and very matter -of -factly said i slid through the bars i thought she was kidding and started laughing and immediately felt like an asshole when i realized she was serious i should have known the woman as strong as she is would manage to escape from such a horrible situation in such a badass way today she lives a quiet life reading her german novels nagging my grandfather and feeding everyone schnitzel stay sexy and hug your oma rachel isn't that the best oh my god Wow.
[372] I feel like we should end on that one, right?
[373] Yeah, that's a goody.
[374] The one I have to end on was depressing, so let's not see that.
[375] Okay.
[376] Let's save it for next week.
[377] Nice.
[378] Listen.
[379] We'll kick it off.
[380] Look and listen for next week.
[381] God, that's beautiful.
[382] I mean, at this point, I think we might need to start calling them any, so it's like just rando stories that you decide we should hear.
[383] Right.
[384] Because it's everything.
[385] Crazy shit that people have found in your laboratory school.
[386] Oh.
[387] How about just an email explaining laboratory school?
[388] Never.
[389] How about, yeah, I like crazy old, finding crazy old things.
[390] Yeah.
[391] Those are good.
[392] Yeah, I think the razor blade and the medicine cabinet hole is like, changed my life.
[393] Legendary.
[394] And it's to this day, we still get photos.
[395] Still get photos.
[396] Well, because it's the kind of thing, nobody sees it until they see it.
[397] And then they go, holy shit, there's one in my medicine cabinet.
[398] Do we need to tell the new group of listeners?
[399] that there's a little, you don't know this, but if you look at your old medicine cabinet, there's like a little slit that says, like, it's for you to put your men to put their old razor blades in there.
[400] And, but all they're doing is dropping them into the wall.
[401] Yeah.
[402] It's all that DNA.
[403] It's so 1932.
[404] It is.
[405] I wonder if you ever get DNA evidence on someone, like, from those.
[406] Well, if your DNA has ever been pulled off a razor blade that's in a wall, please send us an email and tell us all about how you're in jail because some contractor knocked out.
[407] a wall where your razorble, or whatever, you know, we'll take any story.
[408] Yeah, some version of that.
[409] That's right.
[410] Thanks for listening, you guys.
[411] So send it to my favorite murderous email.
[412] Yes.
[413] And stay sexy.
[414] I'm sorry, and don't get murdered.
[415] Bye.
[416] Elvis, you want cookie?
[417] Wow.
[418] Yes.
[419] Good boy.