Josh Duhamel

[0] One dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know.

[1] Merry Christmas, everybody.

[2] Welcome to Armchair expert.

[3] I'm Dax Shepard.

[4] What did you think of my Elvis Presley impersonation, Monica?

[5] Pretty good.

[6] There's another one I like a lot, too, though.

[7] Silent night A holy night You can hear any Christmas song in your head You can ease oil Yeah I wonder if he did Ruto Oh rudder nose reindeer I can call him names If you ever saw him I would even say close All those words are a little wrong But it did sound like Elvis Mom and Vogue of Christmas Eve, Osanna came to say, Frasley, the snowman.

[8] You're exasperated.

[9] A little.

[10] You're a little exasperated.

[11] But as you can see, I'm full of Christmas cheer.

[12] It approaches.

[13] I'm already panicked that it's leaving.

[14] So I want everyone to really, really just be present for this day.

[15] Enjoy it.

[16] I guess that's all.

[17] this is a public service announcement to say enjoy the holidays yeah yeah one of my boyfriends is here today oh that's right yes yeah i got a handful of boyfriends and this this guy's one of them josh du hamel yeah now i'm using the greek pronunciation that is how it's spelled it is spelled do hamel look i don't really need to explain to anyone who josh dumell is i mean he's again a handful of perfect tens wandering around planet earth um also guys tomorrow tickets are going on sale if you listen to some alive events and you thought oh i think i'd like to share that experience with them you are invited to go tomorrow morning at 10 a m local time to buy tickets for san antonio on february 23rd we will be at the majestic theater and we're bringing a very, very, very funny guest.

[18] Very.

[19] Very, very, very funny.

[20] Very.

[21] All right.

[22] Well, without further ado, without further do -mell, please enjoy Josh.

[23] A -dumel.

[24] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and add free right now.

[25] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[26] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[27] So I've recently been warned by Monica to stop doing this.

[28] But I am now so confident in this situation and I'm going to break.

[29] I put Monica on the spot a couple times asking her to evaluate people's looks and she does not like when I do it.

[30] But I just, I got to ask.

[31] Are you not?

[32] Well, I'm so confident in the answer this time that I'm not even nervous.

[33] Are you as thunderstruck as I was when I first met.

[34] do mail.

[35] Yes.

[36] Yes.

[37] What she's supposed to say?

[38] I know.

[39] Well, that's her...

[40] Put her on the spot.

[41] And by the way, that's what you're going to lead with?

[42] I know.

[43] Of course.

[44] Is that your way of disarming me?

[45] Welcome to the show.

[46] I know.

[47] I imagine it's triggering for you.

[48] Triggering.

[49] Yeah.

[50] Do you hate being, do you hate having your looks talked about?

[51] No. The older I get, the more I...

[52] Now you're starting to appreciate it.

[53] That's what I try to lead every conversation to.

[54] That's all I got.

[55] You invite it.

[56] And...

[57] But, um, you know, I had a, I, what do I want to say?

[58] Here's what I want to be seen as.

[59] I don't care if anyone tells me I'm funny.

[60] I don't care.

[61] Big deal.

[62] If you tell me I'm hot, I'm on cloud nine.

[63] You are hot.

[64] You know, you always want, you always want to be recognized.

[65] He's like dirty hot.

[66] He always looks a little shitty.

[67] He looks like he's a little stinky, but hot.

[68] Because he was just on his motorcycle or poor bicycle.

[69] I rode a bicycle.

[70] He's always on something with two wheels.

[71] I don't want to brag.

[72] Minimally two wheels.

[73] But you always want to be.

[74] something you think you're not right would you agree with that Josh you do just in general people yeah like like like actors all of a sudden they they got to be a musician yeah I mean I have lots of dreams of things that I wish I could be yeah huh I thought I was going to be a professional athlete and then I realized I'm not nearly athletic enough I find that's hard for me to stomach yeah because we've had some contests of athleticism you have you've dominated me so that only points out how drastically out of the running eye on.

[75] Oh, God.

[76] Yeah, well, let's try to rebuild an engine and see who wins that one.

[77] Okay.

[78] Yeah.

[79] I might take the lead there.

[80] So I feel a little emasculated actually around Dax because he's like, he's like a dude who can fix shit.

[81] I know.

[82] You know, so many people come on here and say that.

[83] Fix any.

[84] I mean, he could literally tear apart my old, my old eight track radio.

[85] I could.

[86] And put it back together and make it work.

[87] It's not even a comment on how.

[88] how good I am at anything.

[89] It's like, I don't know how bad actors are at fixing shit.

[90] Because you're right, a lot of guys have come on here and they seem to like that about me. But again, if I was in Michigan, I'm a very low -level mechanical skill.

[91] Well, you should see me in North Dakota.

[92] Yeah.

[93] Well, you delivered, though, in North Dakota.

[94] You were a star quarterback in high school.

[95] Well, I played.

[96] I wouldn't star is a little strong.

[97] I played.

[98] Well, hold that.

[99] I was decent, but I wasn't a star.

[100] You have to be the star of the high school team to play in college.

[101] crazy about that you're not like the third string fucking quarterback in high school and end up playing in college i actually split time even in high school with with with with this younger kid i had to battle all the way through even in college it was always a battle there was never i was never the guy okay and it always sort of fueled me it pissed me off because i felt like i should have been the guy right like i had earned the spot but for whatever reason the coaches didn't agree they didn't know but so i did not nor did the stats well no no no the Well, I was more of a passer, and these guys were more runners.

[102] And, you know, I try to avoid contact as much as possible.

[103] You did.

[104] Which coaches in football don't necessarily love.

[105] Yeah.

[106] But of all the positions in football, the quarterback's expected to protect themselves.

[107] Right, right, right.

[108] And I didn't enjoy it.

[109] I did like getting knocked around, but I was not a running, like, option -style quarterback.

[110] Right.

[111] And how long have you been this imposing height?

[112] You're 6 '4?

[113] Yeah, 6 -3 -something.

[114] I don't think I'm quite 6 .4.

[115] If you're 6 .3, then I'm not 6 .3 anymore.

[116] Okay.

[117] Let's call it 6 .5.

[118] Okay.

[119] With these boots, I'm definitely 6 .5.

[120] I was always a tall, skinny, like, gangly kid growing up.

[121] I really was.

[122] Oh, so do you remember your stats from senior year?

[123] Of what?

[124] You're hiding away.

[125] I'm going to objectify the fuck on you.

[126] Let me start over and be very clear about this.

[127] I'm slowly going to get to the size of your penis.

[128] What I waive?

[129] What I weigh.

[130] I have no idea.

[131] I do remember this, though, because I was very insecure about my weight when I was playing football, especially at Minus State, that we had these weigh -ins, and I remember because I couldn't get 200 pounds, and I really wanted to be 200 pounds.

[132] That's the big marker.

[133] And I literally stuffed those little two -and -a -half -pound weights in my, those tight shorts, those spandexy shorts, and I stuffed two little five -pound weights in my hips.

[134] Oh, wow.

[135] And I still didn't hit 200.

[136] Oh, really?

[137] But you're the only guy who cheated in a way in to be more.

[138] I was desperately trying to be bigger than I was because I was skinny.

[139] I was pretty gawky.

[140] Okay.

[141] And you would have known, though, you were still 194.

[142] So who was it for the coach?

[143] Did you think the coach was going to go like, oh, he's 200?

[144] Let's play him.

[145] It was purely, it's just in the program when they walk into the stadium, oh, he's 200 pounds.

[146] He's a legit quarterback.

[147] That makes a lot of sense.

[148] He's 6 -4 -180.

[149] So did you do weird things to gain weight?

[150] Did you have like the GNC weight gainer and you drink eggs and shit?

[151] I took everything that I could.

[152] I took these supplements that turned my piss like neon yellow.

[153] I'm not sure that my liver or kidneys have ever recovered.

[154] Yeah, I did a lot of stuff.

[155] It was a big deal for me. College football was a big deal.

[156] But here's the thing about if there's anything to be learned from this particular conversation is I worked and worked and worked for something that I thought, was going to get and it didn't happen and it was not only did it not happen it was a heartbreaking and it wasn't even about me being a professional i knew that wasn't going to happen okay it was the way it went down the way the i just had a falling out with his coach and it was uh it was one of those moments where you got to pick yourself back up uh -huh because it was devastating for me for a long time and it's part of the reason why you tell me what the falling out was did you date his daughter well no no he ended He ended up getting fired for screwing the basketball coach a couple of years later.

[157] Oh, really?

[158] Why can't you screw the basketball coach?

[159] Was the 16?

[160] I don't know.

[161] I don't know.

[162] I guess it just was...

[163] I think they would promote a great...

[164] That'd be like a fun story.

[165] Football coach...

[166] And they could also like lay in bed and strategize and compare tactics.

[167] Yeah, but not one like the...

[168] It could be good for the program.

[169] Athletic director walks in happening on the desk.

[170] Oh, okay.

[171] All right.

[172] Now we're talking.

[173] Something like that.

[174] I'm not sure if that's exactly it, but something like that.

[175] Yeah.

[176] Anyway, the point is...

[177] Hold on, though.

[178] Hold on.

[179] He doesn't want to blow past this.

[180] No, we don't blow past this.

[181] So it sounds to me like maybe the actual infringement was more fucking on the college campus than...

[182] Like, if they were just banging in their car in the parking lot of chilies, maybe they wouldn't have been relieved of their duties.

[183] I think it was something that happened on campus.

[184] Great.

[185] Even those students are banging on campus all over the place.

[186] They're encouraged to.

[187] Yeah.

[188] Yeah.

[189] You're in college.

[190] That's why you go.

[191] The coach do it.

[192] The coaches are in college.

[193] Doesn't mean any sense of the only, yeah, the adult there.

[194] It's like, it's like, I remember going, ew, they're so old.

[195] I don't, what would they have?

[196] They don't have sex anymore.

[197] My mom had my youngest sister at 45 years old.

[198] Really?

[199] And I was like, oh my God, what are you doing?

[200] Stuff is sexy.

[201] Oh, what do you?

[202] Here I am 45 now, hornier than ever.

[203] Sure.

[204] I want to get to your falling out because I feel like there's something there.

[205] But before we get there, did it ever cost your mind to do steroids?

[206] you must have been attempted to do it yeah but i mean you we were in north dakota it wasn't like it was easy to get right i probably would have done it yeah good i like i'm glad you're admitting you know it would have been something i was i was i needed to get sure i tried to get as big as strong as i could if i could have taken an injection that would have made me as funny as chris farley i would have fucking done it who's kidding who yeah i'd love to tell you i want is there is there cocaine cocaine i was but when i did it in didn't have the same effect we just had we just had conan on uh yesterday and we got to relive the fact that my first appearance on his show i was woken up by security in my hotel room with a stranger and one of us peed the bed and that's what happened when i did cocaine i didn't become christ farley i ended up with strangers and one of us peed the bed i came out of a blackout in 30 minutes later walked on the show is there a youtube of that somewhere i got to see that there is but in my defense you you you wouldn't really be able to tell.

[207] Really?

[208] I drank like three Red Bulls on the way to the theater.

[209] And a couple more lines?

[210] I didn't, of course, there was none left.

[211] They never had any laugh.

[212] That's so dark.

[213] Was anything available up in North Dakota?

[214] Did people do meth or anything?

[215] I think there's some of that.

[216] Now, I don't remember any of that.

[217] But not when we were young.

[218] Just a lot of beer.

[219] Beer.

[220] We drank a lot of beer.

[221] How about weed?

[222] And I remember getting just obliterated my freshman year where I literally wanted to die after taking shots of uh it was the cinnamon oh yeah a fireball balls or something it was just i took and i literally could the headache was so bad that i wanted to die uh -huh and that was about as bad as it got at minus state i'm sure it was too far north yeah it was that kind of stuff just wasn't as available why don't if it were i don't i didn't run across it why don't you have that fun accent i i had i've been here longer than i was there yeah okay i remember did you have it oh yeah oh yeah oh really and i remember the first time i realized i had an accent was when i called home to my uh to talk to my dad and susie his long time like they never got married but lovers they've been together for 35 something years and i called home and i was like hey sue is my dad there she goes oh no he's in wadena i was like oh my god that's that's what i sound like that's what i sound like that's what i sound like.

[223] And so I think I made a conscious, and she's the, and I love that.

[224] I love the accent.

[225] Oh, yeah.

[226] Something's really endearing about it.

[227] But I may, and I remember people saying, what is, is that Irish?

[228] Nobody knows.

[229] Are you from Ireland?

[230] That's a strange accent.

[231] I tell him I'm from North Dakota and then two and it's they say, so you're from North Carolina?

[232] I was like, North Dakota.

[233] And five minutes, they're like, so you, tell me what's like in South Dakota.

[234] I was like, North Dakota.

[235] Nobody remembers it.

[236] Even me. I've been guilty.

[237] Yeah.

[238] A couple times you've cried.

[239] to me. It's North Dakota.

[240] Hold on.

[241] Yeah.

[242] What do your, your mom was a school teacher?

[243] And dad was, he sold advertisement.

[244] He used to sell ads in yellow pages back in the day.

[245] Yeah.

[246] And then started his own company where he now, and it's had this company for probably 25 years and he's done well.

[247] When you go to the grocery store or any store and you get a receipt on the back of that receipt is a coupon for 10 % off at the local dry cleaner, whatever it is.

[248] Right.

[249] My dad makes those.

[250] receipts.

[251] He makes the rolls of receipts, makes the ads, goes to town to town from Minnesota to Montana, and each little town has these things, and he's made a nice little living for himself.

[252] That's awesome.

[253] It's the most obscure profession ever.

[254] Yeah.

[255] Talk about niche.

[256] But he is, you know, he's happy.

[257] Is it safe to say he's the king of receipt coupons of the...

[258] I think he may be.

[259] The North.

[260] I think he may be.

[261] Okay, now let's go back to college.

[262] What was this fallout you had with your oh god okay so it wasn't it was just so i was a local kid i was i came from mine at high went to school at minot state this coach had this idea that you know he'd recruit california quarterbacks you recruit these guys from canada all from all over so he had in his mind that these guys are obviously better so it was it was a constant sort of uphill battle to try to beat these guys out and i felt like my junior and senior year i had won the job and for whatever reason I had to split time with guys and I look back at it now and it was the best thing that could have happened to me but then it's like what more can I do to prove you know it just felt like I couldn't I couldn't no matter what I did I wasn't going to prove to this guy that I was his guy and he might have been right maybe I wasn't good enough I mean I had I thought I played well so did you have an actual moment where you to talk back to him or snapped?

[263] It was after my senior season, and I'm not proud of this, but it was after the end of the year.

[264] And he had these big linemen recruits in from Seattle or something.

[265] He's walking down the hallway, and he tries to introduce me to these guys that they've flown in, which is a big deal for mine estate.

[266] He goes, hey, Josh, and I said, fuck you.

[267] And I just kept walking.

[268] He's like, what, what?

[269] And I had a lot of anger at that time.

[270] I'm not really proud of that.

[271] but I did it.

[272] And I remember he came back after that and just gave it to me. And I gave it back to him.

[273] I told him everything that I felt about him.

[274] And he told me what he felt about me. And it was just a, it was actually cathartic in a lot of ways because I got out a lot of rage that I had towards this dude.

[275] And, uh, you know, and it was, it was, it was sort of a watershed moment for the both of us.

[276] Were you, did you find it all as a kid?

[277] I got in a few scraps.

[278] Yeah.

[279] Okay.

[280] Part of the reason I don't drink whiskey anymore by the.

[281] Oh, okay.

[282] You would, You'd get a little cranky.

[283] Yeah, I get a little dark cloud that forms over my head.

[284] Uh -huh.

[285] The last fight that I got in was in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, and they're known for this amazing Fourth of July celebrations, and everybody goes there, and it's just like a, it's a zoo.

[286] And I don't know what happened.

[287] We were all, we just me and my buddies, I think we were like sophomores in college or something.

[288] And something happens where I end up getting this confuffle.

[289] with some dude in the bar and then up, we're underneath the booth at this restaurant bar and just punching him in the face as hard as I can.

[290] Sure.

[291] And I get yanked out of the place, they throw me out, and then all of a sudden this guy comes out wanting more with like four dudes, and we're in the middle of this street in Detroit Lakes.

[292] There's like this main drag that goes right along the beach and then where all the bars and stuff are.

[293] So right in the middle of the street, he's like, I want some more.

[294] So I'm like, oh God, and I see these other guys coming, and I'm like, oh, God, they're going to beat the shit out of me. Then I'm going to kill you, yeah.

[295] And I'll never forget it.

[296] As hard as I could with my left hand, left.

[297] Weird.

[298] Swung and caught him straight.

[299] I'll never forget he got this dizzy look in his eye.

[300] And I just ran.

[301] Ah.

[302] I ran, and they all started chasing me, and I ran all the way back to my hotel, which was maybe half a mile away, went in there, looking, peeking through the blinders to see if they're coming.

[303] They didn't.

[304] I changed shirts.

[305] I ran back over to the bar, hop the fence, went back in with my buddies.

[306] Oh, good for you.

[307] Yay, for me. That's kind of like, what do they call that when you throw up and you rally?

[308] Yeah, puk and rally.

[309] That's pretty much like that's like kind of a version of a puk and rally story.

[310] We're going way back.

[311] This was probably, it would have been maybe 93.

[312] Now, it's interesting to me, so that was the last carfuffle, as you called it.

[313] That was the last real fight I think I was ever in.

[314] Because I would imagine, because you're so good looking, and then And you're famous and you also go out and drink at bars, or at least you used to, aren't there a bunch of blowhards trying to, like, they're pissed you're there because the girls are excited and they've been working on some gale all night long and buying her panty droppers and lemon drops and then you stroll through with your Las Vegas crew t -shirt on and they just want to, don't be, don't guys, haven't guys started shit with you all the time?

[315] No, well, not really.

[316] Really?

[317] And you're drinking some.

[318] I'm good at sort of avoiding those situations.

[319] Well, that's what I'm wondering.

[320] Believe me, I'm not a fighter.

[321] I don't look to fight.

[322] And if something like that, I'm able to diffuse it quickly.

[323] Well, that's what I'm getting at.

[324] I feel like you must have some good diffusing techniques.

[325] And I just feel like, you know, guys who get in a lot of fights and they're like, oh, I didn't even do anything.

[326] It's like, genuinely, they did something.

[327] Sure, sure.

[328] You know, it's like, he came after me. Well, you know, this happened last weekend to end the weekend before that.

[329] Yeah.

[330] It's kind of like realizing you're the common denominator in all your breakups.

[331] Right.

[332] It's like, every girl had a problem.

[333] Oh, wait.

[334] Wait.

[335] And then you realize, wait, I got to take me everywhere I go.

[336] Yeah, yeah.

[337] Maybe I should work on that.

[338] Yeah.

[339] Yeah, like you, he told me a fight story a couple weeks ago.

[340] I told you one Saturday.

[341] You tell them a lot, but you told me one.

[342] Did you get in a fight recently?

[343] No, they're old.

[344] But he told a story.

[345] Doc's got a little crazy eye, though, sometimes.

[346] Yeah, I know.

[347] At any moment.

[348] I would not mess with Dax.

[349] I know.

[350] But he was telling a story about getting in a fight, and he was like, what was I supposed to do?

[351] And I was like, you could have just left.

[352] And he was like, oh, I know exactly the story.

[353] It was when the gangbangers deliberately picked a fight with us at 1 a .m. And they lost.

[354] And I felt like justice had been served.

[355] It's so great when bullies walk into a place.

[356] And they think they've, you know, zeroed in.

[357] Oh, me and Scotty really handled business.

[358] Oh, really?

[359] And we were just on cloud nine after that.

[360] Because, again, we didn't start anything.

[361] We were just, it was New Year's E. We're having a nice time.

[362] 1 a .m. These two dudes walk in.

[363] and just shove me out of nowhere, and then it's on.

[364] And we prevailed, and I feel like that's justice.

[365] I was very proud of that story.

[366] Monica was very disappointed in that story.

[367] When a bully gets served.

[368] When you get to, I remember how great I felt when I was like, my God, I'm beating this guy up right now.

[369] This guy was coming after me. I'm winning this fight.

[370] I got to get out of here before I get punched in the face.

[371] Yeah.

[372] It's always a very tenuous grasp on victory.

[373] You're always aware of that.

[374] you're best to get out of there.

[375] It's that disrespecting.

[376] I got a chip on my shoulder.

[377] I'm mostly over it now, though.

[378] Once I realize people don't like that about me. You're from a small town.

[379] I'm from a small town.

[380] My buddies, that was something we really valued in one another, that we would be there for one another, right?

[381] And it took me a good 15 years to recognize.

[382] No one in L .A. is looking for that for me. That's not what they like about me. But it was a realization.

[383] Like in Detroit, like, Like, the way you showed your friend you loved him is like, I'll absolutely square off with these two guys that are definitely going to kick our ass because I'm in it with you.

[384] Okay.

[385] And this is how I'm going to show you.

[386] I love you.

[387] And that's, I got your back.

[388] Yes, I got your back.

[389] And we all had proved that to one another over time.

[390] And my little group of friends, that was very apprised virtue.

[391] And it is a prize.

[392] It should be.

[393] There.

[394] You got your voice back?

[395] You don't think that's so much here?

[396] It's completely unnecessary.

[397] And really most of my current friends, it just makes them very anxious to know that I will get in something physical at any minute.

[398] That doesn't make them feel very dangerous.

[399] I see.

[400] But they have your back in a different way.

[401] They have your back in that they would be like, we're leaving now.

[402] See that?

[403] And I'm protecting you and your life by saying we're going now.

[404] Right.

[405] But I would say that it's a true test to which friends truly have your back.

[406] Because it's, it really is, it is.

[407] Defining moment.

[408] Right.

[409] It can be.

[410] But I'm curious, what age did your parents get divorced?

[411] Fourth grade.

[412] That's pretty rough.

[413] I was a fourth grade.

[414] It was still probably this day the most traumatic thing I ever went through because, you know, you think it's, you think your world is one thing.

[415] And suddenly that world isn't going to exist.

[416] Yes.

[417] As it did.

[418] So that was, that was a real hard one for me. fourth grade you're used to having dad in the house every morning yeah i presume you stayed with your mom and went with dad on the weekends or whatever yeah that was that was pretty much how it went and then dads at least in my experience um it's weird to see dad in like an apartment right or something like it's it's rough isn't it yeah he and he struggled for a while my dad it was it was not even an apartment it was a car for a little bit it was like an apartment above the grog shop which was a liquor store in the wrong side of town okay it was uh and would you go spend the weekend there oh yeah but we didn't know any better we just loved being with dad okay and so you had three little sisters right no i had one sister at the time oh okay my two other sisters were born much later so yeah i mean it was it was definitely an adjustment i remember i came very emotional i was a really emotional kid and i think that i that's really when it came out because i was so traumatized by the thing i remember i would just because i didn't have the tools to really deal with anything i would just cry yeah I would lose a game in soccer and I'd just fucking cry.

[419] Or I was, you know, something upset me and I just couldn't, I couldn't stop it.

[420] Yeah.

[421] And I remember my dad taking me, he's like, hey, um, listen, it's okay that you're emotional, but nobody likes a cry, baby.

[422] And I was like, yeah.

[423] Okay.

[424] And after that, I sort of, I realized that, you know, that was his, it may not have been the most therapeutic way to do it, but.

[425] But I knew what he meant.

[426] And I knew that it was coming from a good place.

[427] Again, you grew up in the 80s, I grew up in the 80s.

[428] Dads were tasked with a different thing then, probably wrongly, but whatever.

[429] Your dad was thinking, fuck, I got to protect my kid.

[430] If he's crying all the time, he's going to get his ass kick every day.

[431] They're going to make fun of him.

[432] His life's going to be miserable if he keeps up this, this pouting.

[433] And there was another one just very similar where I'd gone to this lab school in Minot.

[434] It was like, it was a teacher's college.

[435] Mine State's a teacher's college.

[436] And next door to that is this lab school.

[437] which is really great.

[438] It's unconventional ways of teaching.

[439] And so when I then went to seventh grade, like a formal conventional school with desks and books and the whole thing, I struggled for the first half of the year.

[440] And I remember my dad coming to me, he's like, listen, nobody likes a dummy.

[441] Boy, he really called it like you saw it, isn't it?

[442] This is a kid, nobody likes a dummy.

[443] I was like, well, yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

[444] You need, you need to learn how to study.

[445] You need to hurt and learn how to get better grades.

[446] You need to figure this out.

[447] Yeah.

[448] And again, you got the crying under control.

[449] Now let's work on the grades.

[450] Maybe it wasn't the most, you know, of all.

[451] But again, I knew where it was coming from and it worked because I started getting better grades after that.

[452] Yeah.

[453] It could be a little telling that each time the penalty would be not being liked.

[454] Do you think that's his issue or he had acknowledged that you wanted approval?

[455] That's a pattern that I'm working through at the moment.

[456] Right.

[457] This is one of those things that I talked to you about.

[458] It's like I'm learning to care less about what people think about me and not look for validation or approval from people because of what their opinions might be and just be me. Well, I had the experience.

[459] We met in 2010.

[460] on when in Rome, or maybe it was 2009, whatever.

[461] It came out in 2010.

[462] Wait, do you remember when I came up behind you on the street in New York City?

[463] You, I was mugging you.

[464] You legitimately scared the shit out of me. I think that's the last time I had a good scare.

[465] I don't think you came behind me. I think you were in a doorway, like a black doorway.

[466] And I walked by the doorway and you fucking leapt out.

[467] I remember, give me all your money.

[468] You're like, ah!

[469] I'm like, I can stabbed or shot.

[470] Well, if I had pulled a six -shooter, you didn't know that I'd been packing on that movie.

[471] You probably carry a screwdriver on you.

[472] But we met there, and you're incredibly likable.

[473] You're such a likable guy, and you're a generous guy, and, you know, I will give a character testimony that you're not lying about working really hard in college.

[474] You're very hard worker.

[475] You don't complain.

[476] That's why I'm curious about that blow up, because you get really frustrated with yourself acting.

[477] I've watched it.

[478] Another thing that I'm working on.

[479] And you get pissed at your self.

[480] Did you see me do that on set?

[481] Oh, a bunch.

[482] Yeah.

[483] In fact, I would do a great Dumail when we'd get, Kristen and I would get back to our room.

[484] Oh, God.

[485] It was the most endearing thing ever.

[486] I got to tell you, it's so endearing.

[487] I'm incredibly hard on myself.

[488] But again, this is one of those things that I'm working on.

[489] He would go like, he would go like, I don't even know what Kristen's name in the movie was, but he'd be like, Gail, I came all the way across town to see you here.

[490] Fucking, fuck, move.

[491] let's go let's go again he would like berate himself I would beat myself down I really would and I'm by the way I've done that fairly recently too I just I watched you do it on buddy game so I was like oh this is we're now eight years later seven years later still his technique it's one of the funner things to watch to be honest terrible and it's just it's one of those things that I had a really bad temper when I was a kid.

[492] But with yourself, right?

[493] With myself, yeah.

[494] It's never really directed anyone but me. And people are like, dude, you're too hard on yourself.

[495] I'm like, I just have to do this.

[496] I got to do this.

[497] But I really don't have to do that.

[498] There's no reason to do that.

[499] It's just, and it all goes into this feeling of not being good enough.

[500] You're not good enough.

[501] You've got to beat yourself up to get there.

[502] Yeah, and who do you think was the original person you were trying nonstop to, It was a dad?

[503] It was mom and dad.

[504] Mom and dad.

[505] Okay.

[506] Mom had a high expectation for you?

[507] Oh, yeah.

[508] They both did.

[509] Mom, dad was always very, he was my biggest cheerleader.

[510] He always, like when I said, I was moving to California, he's like, go get him, kid.

[511] Mom was like, what do you do?

[512] Remember, they don't like.

[513] Cryers or Dum -dums.

[514] And, but I knew that, I always knew that he was, like, doing it because he really believed in me. And he was always my biggest cheerleader on the sidelines and whatever.

[515] and even now he is and mom was the same way but much more reserved and she didn't she thought I should have been a dentist what are you doing your degree in biology you should be going to dental school what do you do with your act wait you got a job on a soap yeah this is the best thing ever yeah you know then she turned but you know it was by the way it can be really good intention my mother thought I was at six years old going to become the president of the United States like I really cherish how much she believed in me yet it was a lot to fulfill And I regularly would be in these drunk stupors.

[516] And all I can imagine is like, oh, my God, if my mom saw me right now, what a fucking disappointment.

[517] Well, that probably speaks to some of the issues from the past.

[518] You had to, you know, project this facade for everyone.

[519] Yes.

[520] And your way of escaping was by numbing out.

[521] Yeah, because I would get hammered.

[522] And I really didn't give a fuck where I was in life.

[523] It's very liberating in that way.

[524] Yeah.

[525] Yeah.

[526] I've been there, man. Yeah.

[527] So, so, yeah, when I met you, My first year, I guess, of knowing you, it wasn't even that long.

[528] I was like, God, this guy is perfect, I think.

[529] He's, I literally thought, I would say this to Kristen.

[530] I'm like, he's gorgeous, he's friendly, he hasn't tried to fuck you yet.

[531] That's weird.

[532] I mean, that was the weirdest.

[533] How could I?

[534] You were right there on set the whole time, watching.

[535] I would have found a way at my worst, at my lowest point.

[536] I would have found.

[537] I'll never forget, because you guys had just started dating.

[538] Oh, yeah.

[539] You guys had just started dating, and they were like in limerence.

[540] You guys, they were just madly in love.

[541] And I remember, because I had mad respect for Dax, even before any of this, I was like, oh, my God, Dax is in this movie.

[542] And I remember part of the reason I got so insecure is because I saw you over there watching.

[543] I was like, God, I got to deliver right now.

[544] Oh, my God, I think you're the -haused it.

[545] I think I'm the only person that's ever elicited that thought.

[546] It's true.

[547] I'll never forget it.

[548] Stay tuned for more.

[549] Share expert, if you dare.

[550] What's up, guys?

[551] This your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[552] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[553] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[554] And I don't mean just friends.

[555] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[556] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[557] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[558] We've all been there.

[559] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[560] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[561] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when, when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[562] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[563] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[564] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[565] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[566] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[567] But I will just say, and I no intention to go into it, but when I, like, would read about a, like, a scrape or something, I go, oh, wait, that, I felt relieved.

[568] I would go, oh, good, Demel is, like, I thought you were too good to be true.

[569] I, yeah, that's, that's, that's, I got many, many things I'm working on, you know, and it speaks to what we just talked about, you know, there was these expectations, there were these, you know, I was, I was, there was, people expected a lot from me. And that was a lot to bear.

[570] Well, also, you, probably self -imposed, right?

[571] Largely.

[572] A lot of it was probably self -imposed.

[573] Yeah.

[574] A lot of it was, uh, yeah.

[575] Like, let me ask you this.

[576] I'm the one who put those expectations on myself.

[577] And I imagine you enjoy beating the shit out of yourself.

[578] I did.

[579] I'm working on it.

[580] You're working at it.

[581] Yeah.

[582] And it's not an easy thing to do when you do something that you're shameful about or something that you regret to be able to go, you know what?

[583] I've fucked up, but I'm not a bad guy.

[584] I still have value.

[585] Well, that's another thing.

[586] I mean, it's, it all goes.

[587] to like self -worth and value and and looking externally to feel whole, all these kinds of things that that I think as I've gotten older, I'm starting to have more self -values, more self -worth.

[588] Therefore, I, you know, am more able to forgive myself.

[589] Yeah, yeah.

[590] All right.

[591] So let's walk through this fun ride because it doesn't work out with football, but you mean a gal, you mean a wonderful woman and you follow her to California you have a bunch of weird jobs uh -huh but somehow you become a model well let's talk about those other jobs first okay great i was working i learned how to so i'm not completely inept by the way i know how to drive a backhoe okay an excavator a front end loader a bobcat in fact i have one back at my cabin oh you do i love a so i worked you know my my stepdad was a construction worker he owned a construction company like like like pipeline stuff, never even wanted to do anything to do with that when I was in North Dakota.

[592] But when I moved to California, I, for whatever reason, now I wanted to work construction.

[593] So I did all these crazy jobs, you know, I also worked at the Gap and I worked, you know, I waited, I worked in warehouses, and I did construction.

[594] And during that time, I then, I was, I think I was in Sacramento when we're really going to get into the modeling thing, aren't we?

[595] We must.

[596] We have to do.

[597] Here's the misconception about that.

[598] I did it for about six months, maybe.

[599] No, I did it for about a year.

[600] And it had very little success.

[601] Well, but the reason we have to bring up modeling is the only thing I really want to get to is that you beat Ashton in a model shootout, which I find to be an amazing intersection.

[602] That was like real life Zoolander.

[603] I'm not even kidding.

[604] It truly was.

[605] So you're in some kind of modeling contest.

[606] Yeah.

[607] And you won.

[608] Yes.

[609] And Ashton was runner -up.

[610] Isn't that a fun fact?

[611] Before you guys were you guys?

[612] That's nuts.

[613] He was probably Christopher.

[614] He was Chris.

[615] Yeah, he was Chris.

[616] And do you remember meeting him?

[617] Oh, yeah.

[618] I'll never forget it.

[619] Oh.

[620] Because here's the thing.

[621] I got, I'd never been in New York City.

[622] And there was this agency in Sacramento that offered to like pay my way to go.

[623] I was like, yeah, I'll go.

[624] Yeah.

[625] Not really knowing what I was getting into.

[626] Yeah.

[627] It was called.

[628] Did you think you would be naked on a Russian dude jiot at any point?

[629] Like, was there any point where he was there any point where he was.

[630] You were like, maybe this is, am I a call guy?

[631] Is that supposed to be in my butt?

[632] Yeah.

[633] This isn't, what are we advertising here?

[634] So you go to New York.

[635] So I go to New York and this thing becomes, we can cut that last point.

[636] No, I'll keep it.

[637] So I go to New York.

[638] That's the best part.

[639] We will cut it, but only to loop it.

[640] So I go to this thing.

[641] And there's a thousand people there.

[642] A thousand contestants, male, female, actors, models, whatever.

[643] I was pretty intimidated.

[644] I was pretty fresh out of North Dakota at the time.

[645] How old are you?

[646] 20 at the time?

[647] I was 23.

[648] As the week goes on, there's like certain things.

[649] There's like the, there's like fashion, and then there's a swimwear.

[650] We've got to walk in like a swimsuit down there.

[651] Literally down a runway back and forth.

[652] It's literally like a Miss USA.

[653] Wow.

[654] Yeah.

[655] And how would you, like, we're, I can laugh at it now, but yeah.

[656] Mentally, like, where were you at?

[657] When you were walking down the catwalk in the swimsuit, what were, like, what thoughts were going through?

[658] I was all in.

[659] Oh, good for you.

[660] I was in full -on competitive mode.

[661] Oh, good.

[662] That's awesome.

[663] Zero regrets.

[664] No. You left it all on the catwalk.

[665] I left it all in the field.

[666] I'm going to get you a t -shirt that says left it all in my catwalk.

[667] And so as the week went on, the word became like, there's three guys that are like sort of in the running for this is some dude from uh i forget where he was from and then this kid from cedar rapids yeah iowa where ashton's from uh -huh and me oh my god so i was like oh my god i'm in the running for this thing oh my god was there money to be one no no no he said no no no no there was no money involved you got to you got like a modeling contract somewhere.

[668] Well, that's, yeah.

[669] But that it wasn't even guaranteed.

[670] Okay.

[671] You can listen to this.

[672] So as the week goes on, this happens.

[673] The word, the buzz is that it's me, Ashton, and some other dude.

[674] And so now I'm really into it.

[675] Now I want to win.

[676] Yeah.

[677] What do I do?

[678] How can I walk better?

[679] And so.

[680] How can I walk better?

[681] So we are practicing in your room at night?

[682] So they literally have us up on stage.

[683] at the final sort of presentation to see who wins.

[684] There's like seven guys up there for fifth, fourth, third runner up, second runner up.

[685] And then first runner up, it's between me and Ashton.

[686] And they say his name.

[687] And I'm like, oh, my God.

[688] Literally, you might as well have thrown like a tiara on my head, sashed across my chest.

[689] I was so excited.

[690] They lifted me up.

[691] Oh, my God.

[692] Wait.

[693] Because he must have been as confused as you.

[694] He was confused, but we were also competitive.

[695] We were like throwing like, he's an athlete too, yeah.

[696] We were throwing, like, it was competitive.

[697] Sure, sure.

[698] Tearing each other's swimsuits backstage and stuff.

[699] Putting a stain, like pouring wine on his swimsuit.

[700] Rubbing a little brown marker.

[701] Sure, sure.

[702] So after I win this thing, I think I'm off to the races.

[703] This is like, this is my ticket to stardom.

[704] Fuck yeah.

[705] Nothing happened for four years.

[706] I didn't even get that, I didn't even get that agency contract that I thought I was going to get.

[707] Literally nothing happened.

[708] You're kidding.

[709] Ashton.

[710] became Ashton got that Calvin Klein campaign He got that 70s show He got something else Just married Oh God I was so jealous of him for so long I was like And I didn't understand I did like what happened Right This motherfucker was runner up I won Yeah I was male bottle of that year I would have been upset by that So you know I had to go beat the streets For many years And you know And that's, shortly after that, I realized I wanted to get into acting because the modeling thing was going nowhere.

[711] Okay.

[712] It's kind of shocking to me. I could have seen you in like American Eagle ads and like very masculine.

[713] Abercrombie.

[714] Because what you had over Ashen is you were a kind of bigger frame.

[715] I don't know.

[716] I love your frame.

[717] Thanks.

[718] So great.

[719] You know the most amazing thing about you is your ass.

[720] Thank you.

[721] And I wonder if it's something that you just, you built that foundation in your, 20s and in college and now you don't really have to work on it much.

[722] It's just that ass.

[723] Dad ass.

[724] Just dad ass.

[725] Is it dad ass?

[726] Are you doing like a lot of lunges or anything?

[727] You really have great butt cheeks.

[728] I couldn't keep my eyes off.

[729] I'm up in Vancouver last year.

[730] Really?

[731] Yeah, like you'd just be wearing a random thing.

[732] No, he'd just be wearing like a random outfit, but his ass really juts out in back.

[733] It's really, get your attention.

[734] Yeah, I love it.

[735] This is really great.

[736] I didn't tell you then.

[737] No. That shocks me. I was thinking it the whole time.

[738] Do you do, do you specifically target your ass cheeks when you exercise?

[739] No, not generally.

[740] God, I knew it.

[741] I don't.

[742] I mean, I worked my ass off for these pancakes.

[743] I'm focused.

[744] I've been biking a little bit.

[745] Okay.

[746] Yeah, that helps.

[747] That'll pop up.

[748] That helps.

[749] Yeah, that'll get them popping.

[750] Yeah.

[751] Okay.

[752] So you, you somehow, after that four -year hiatus from the spotlight, you end up, I think you, it starts with music videos, right?

[753] That's the first acting work you get?

[754] You're an Aguilera's genie in a bottle.

[755] I did it on a summer video.

[756] Were you in heaven on those sets?

[757] Were you like, oh, this is awesome?

[758] Well, I was just basically an extra on the Christian Aguilera one.

[759] Okay.

[760] I thought I had like a starring role.

[761] Did you have any fantasy going in?

[762] You literally have to like stop it and rewind it and then you'll see me. It's like a half a frame.

[763] I was so intimidated by the whole thing at that point.

[764] Like I was not ready to even be on a set because I was still like so starstruck by it all.

[765] And I was like, how much do I pay for this food on this table?

[766] Right.

[767] It's craft service.

[768] It's free.

[769] What?

[770] Who do I settle up with?

[771] I had four carrots, some hummus, two mini snickers bars.

[772] I was, I was, yeah, it took me a while just to get comfortable on a set.

[773] Well, can I ask you one question before we march through this?

[774] Did you have all, let me start with the famous Chris Rock joke.

[775] Have you ever heard this?

[776] of his where he says, men are only as faithful as their options.

[777] Okay.

[778] Now, I don't think that's true, but I also think it's true.

[779] So when you look like you, you have a lot of options, and I'm being sincere now.

[780] Was it hard for you to stay faithful when you were younger?

[781] When I was younger.

[782] Were you like a true blue kind of, it was easy for you?

[783] I've had, you know, I've had, there were moments for sure.

[784] Okay.

[785] But for the most part, I've been, I've gone from.

[786] three, let's see, three your relationship, five -year relationship, another three -year relationship.

[787] And then I met Fergie.

[788] We were together for 13 years.

[789] Yeah, you're a serial monogamist, they say.

[790] Yeah, for the most part, I was, I was, I've been a guy who doesn't do that.

[791] Because let me just say this, I didn't feel very good looking.

[792] Okay.

[793] So I was regularly trying to get some girl to prove that I was.

[794] So I do wonder if you're just good looking, do you not have that chip on your shoulder?

[795] Or are you still trying to get approval from girls that you somehow assess as being out of your range or something?

[796] Hmm.

[797] That's a really good question.

[798] That is a good question.

[799] It's a good question because there are several dynamics at play.

[800] I'm not 30 years old anymore.

[801] I'm 45.

[802] Right.

[803] I want to have more kids.

[804] Okay.

[805] Now.

[806] Yeah.

[807] Well, in the next.

[808] A few years.

[809] So it's more about finding someone young enough to have kids.

[810] Mm -hmm.

[811] Like your mother's age.

[812] 45.

[813] I mean, it can happen.

[814] Absolutely.

[815] But there's all, but it's the same.

[816] So it's not as if I'm out there trying to just fuck anything.

[817] I really, that's really not who I, I don't, I don't, I. But more importantly, have you, have you, have you ever tried to find a girl that I can, be with, be with and have family with, you know.

[818] Because Ferg and I have had a great relationship.

[819] I love that girl and I always will.

[820] Unfortunately, we didn't work, but I will always have her back and she is the mother of my baby.

[821] Yeah.

[822] And so.

[823] You guys seem to have a very amicabal.

[824] We do.

[825] We really do.

[826] She's awesome.

[827] Yeah.

[828] So I'm just trying to find that, you know, somebody, you know, that's kind of what I'm looking for.

[829] But did you in the past, did you ever try to get someone to?

[830] to elevate your own self -esteem.

[831] Is that just a human thing?

[832] I feel like you could answer this question for us.

[833] Maybe.

[834] I mean, maybe that's part of my problem is that I need, I like, I like the action.

[835] I like the chase.

[836] I like the, you know, all that stuff.

[837] You know, I think it's genetic.

[838] I think it's primal for us to have that.

[839] You know, there's certain people that you see and you just want.

[840] Yes.

[841] Yeah.

[842] And it's not always the most beautiful person.

[843] It's, there's, people have, there's, there's something that happens.

[844] Yeah.

[845] And oftentimes those people that you have that for, don't have it for you.

[846] It's hard for me to believe someone doesn't have for you, but I will accept that this is a reality.

[847] Believe me. So you get all my children.

[848] This has got to be an enormous thing for you.

[849] Yes.

[850] It was huge.

[851] Right.

[852] It was huge.

[853] Yeah.

[854] It was an opportunity for me, I mean, first of all, my mom watched soap operas my whole life.

[855] She watched Young and the Restless.

[856] and remember, she wanted me to be a dentist.

[857] Yeah.

[858] And so, yeah, it was, that was a big opportunity for me. And mostly because I was pretty green when I got it, I'd been, you know, taking all the classes I could.

[859] I'd moved to.

[860] It's a great place to learn to act, isn't it?

[861] It was like boot camp.

[862] And I will never, I don't regret any of it because it was, it was just one of those moments.

[863] And I knew this because I'd been watching them for so long that I knew, I knew what I was expected to do.

[864] And I said, the only way that.

[865] I'm going to stand out as if I just bucked the system and try different things.

[866] And I got nominated for an Emmy's three years in a row.

[867] And won it's my second year.

[868] You won.

[869] Yeah.

[870] Which was unbelievable.

[871] If there's, that is the biggest, I felt like I pulled off the biggest scam of all time.

[872] Sure.

[873] Because I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

[874] I was just winging it.

[875] Yeah.

[876] I just went in head first and tried things and they started to like it.

[877] And then they started to write for it.

[878] Well, you have that quality, even though you're really self -critical, you also are brave as an actor.

[879] You will try anything.

[880] Like, if the director says blank, you don't...

[881] Do a backflip off this...

[882] Yeah, yeah, you...

[883] I'll just moving car into this very small manhole cover.

[884] But you'll try anything, which is really cool.

[885] Yeah?

[886] Yeah.

[887] Again, it goes back to wanting to just...

[888] I have this feeling still to this deb.

[889] been doing this for 20 years now, that I'm pulling off a huge scam.

[890] Yeah, do you feel fraudulent a little bit?

[891] Yeah.

[892] I feel like I'm a fraud.

[893] You know, I'm just, I'm just making it up as I go.

[894] And obviously, I have a lot of experience now, and I'm trusting myself more, but, you know, I'm still, I'm still trying to figure it out.

[895] Yeah, and it can be cancerous to not think you belong somewhere that you're at.

[896] You can, it can basically be a self -fulfilling prophecy, right?

[897] You can kind of take yourself out.

[898] Like going, I don't deserve this.

[899] True.

[900] And that was part of my problem for a long time.

[901] I think that's what helped me back, is that it was, I never truly believe that I deserved it.

[902] I never believed that I, like, like, I don't belong in this, in this club.

[903] In this club.

[904] And so, so it's taken me a long time.

[905] I feel like, I feel much more comfortable now than I ever have.

[906] But, yeah, man. And so it takes, it takes balls to not only, you know, go after it in this business, but then to, but actually believe that you, that you belong.

[907] And then on the other side of that is back to not even giving a fuck and realizing, oh, what does any of it matter?

[908] Like, I actually used to think of who was a better or worse actor.

[909] And I had this fake conversation in my head last night where someone said I was a worse actor or better actor.

[910] And I just imagine thinking how much I wouldn't care if I was discovered to be a worse or better actor than anyone.

[911] I'm like, whatever.

[912] I'm paying my bills.

[913] I now feel that way at 43 is like, what does any of it matter?

[914] I got to fucking send my kids to college.

[915] Now, the mechanics of making a soap opera are hysterical, right?

[916] You make a whole show every day.

[917] Yeah, you shoot, you shoot, I think 60 pages at A. that can't be done if anyone who doesn't know a lot about filming they got three they got three cameras they're all rolling was like theater in a lot of ways and you're learning some days you're learning 20 pages of dialogue or something yeah i mean i would sit there at home every night just grinding learning my stuff but it was a great i still believe that it's as good a place to learn for somebody green and learning 100 % you can get because 90 % of it is getting comfortable on a set It's getting comfortable on a set.

[918] It's learning where your light is.

[919] It's learning how to learn lines.

[920] It's learning how to deal with media on a much smaller scale.

[921] Because you see so many of these young kids now who come up and they shoot to superstar them and they don't know how to handle any of it.

[922] Right.

[923] You know, so for me it was a good way to sort of get my feet wet, get a lot of experience.

[924] And I just told myself that I was going to do it for three years no matter what because they offered me a nice contract at the end of it to stay.

[925] And I was like, I got to go.

[926] Wow.

[927] I'm going to go, I'm going to go, because I had ideas of what I wanted to do, and I'm glad I did.

[928] You weren't that tempted by money.

[929] It would have been hard for me to turn down real money.

[930] It was hard for me, too, because I never had money.

[931] Yeah.

[932] And, but I also knew that if I really wanted to go after it, I couldn't stay there forever.

[933] Right.

[934] And you got, I imagine, a pretty instantly famous with a very specific group of, a demographic, mostly women.

[935] I still get people saying, I loved you as Leo.

[936] That was 20 years ago Leo and Greenlee Greenlee was my girl on the show My sister -in -law Oh, during when in Rome My sister -in -law Who has seen many, many people At her house Never has cared My trainer during when in Rome Had done like 12 episodes Of a fucking soap opera And she lost her shit Yeah, those are the best fans Yeah They really were Yeah Because they just They believe they know you Did your sisters When you got that show did they think maybe I should move out there you have three of them no I don't think they ever really had that okay my sister Ashley could have easily done it she would have been much better are they good looking like you do they have nice buns like yours they have amazing asses okay great we always like to ask our guess how they feel about their sister's asses in fact it's not a comfortable subject but I will say this my youngest sister Cassidy uh -huh they used to call her assidy oh really I was like what did you just call my sister What's in the family?

[937] I'd love to be called, A -Sidy.

[938] It's like my dream.

[939] So that's kind of ballsy.

[940] You leave all my children.

[941] And then how long between all my children in Las Vegas?

[942] Do you get nervous at any point?

[943] Like, oh, fuck, I should have stayed?

[944] Or did it pretty quickly did you get Las Vegas?

[945] It was about a year afterwards, I guess, of auditioning and going after stuff.

[946] But I got Las Vegas and win a date with Tad Hamilton kind of at the same time.

[947] Oh, really?

[948] I don't even remember which one happened first.

[949] Oh, wow.

[950] Because you're very good and charismatic and went a date with Tad Hamilton.

[951] And it felt like you, you, it felt to me like you knew what it felt like to be that guy.

[952] I guess I, I guess when I saw that I thought, oh, this is natural.

[953] He's on Las Vegas.

[954] This is, but you weren't.

[955] No, I had no idea what I was doing.

[956] Right.

[957] I thought, oh, yeah, this is Ashton.

[958] But in my head, I was like, oh, this makes sense.

[959] This is like, this is Ashton.

[960] This is the guy that beat Ashton.

[961] This is the guy that beat Ashton to beat the hell out of him.

[962] He's still, he's still, it's still a thorn in his side.

[963] I can't wait to see him tomorrow at work, because I'm working with him right now.

[964] Oh, God, he's so funny.

[965] Because we have laughs about it now.

[966] Every time I see him, was like, can you believe you do that?

[967] What were we thinking?

[968] It's so great.

[969] So Las Vegas was that awesome.

[970] Did you love that?

[971] I did.

[972] If there's anything that I can say about, My perspective on all of this is that I have appreciated every opportunity.

[973] Uh -huh.

[974] Because, again, I felt like when I got that job on all my children, I was like, oh, my God, I'm on TV.

[975] Yeah.

[976] I'm on TV.

[977] Yeah.

[978] And I just, I just, I just was so appreciative of where, because I'd done a lot of shit jobs for a long time.

[979] Uh -huh.

[980] And so when I got Vegas, I hate it when I hear people, like, wanting to get off a show or I'm miserable here.

[981] it's like dude you're lucky to be working you know what there's a lot of people out there who would love to be in that position and for me it was five years and it was a lot of work that was probably as much of not more work than the than the soap because the days were longer even though you didn't have as much dialogue it's just a lot more work you weren't in Vegas though you were here no we're in Illinois we shut the pilot in Vegas okay um so I loved it you know it was five years and it was that was a good run yeah um and Anything crazy happened with Jimmy Khan during that five years?

[982] Every day, yeah.

[983] I've never met him, but I know a few people that have met him.

[984] And one of the descriptions I heard that I love and I repeat, even though I've never met him, is like a friend of mine who worked with him said, like, oh, he's the greatest.

[985] Every story ends with him punching out somebody.

[986] Like the punchline of every one of his stories is then I punched this cock sucker in the model.

[987] I saw know guys like that.

[988] Well, he's that guy that operates best amidst K. Oh, really?

[989] Yeah.

[990] He needs to like, if things are calm and copacetic, he's bored.

[991] He gets uncomfortable.

[992] He needs to create something.

[993] That's just kind of where he's always been.

[994] But truly, and I think he'd be the first one to tell you, he's like a purist in the sense that he just acts first.

[995] He doesn't think about, doesn't give a shit about what anybody thinks, says and does things that without without any attention to what the consequences might be.

[996] And it's gotten them into a lot of trouble.

[997] Sure, sure.

[998] But he's just a genuinely sweet guy.

[999] Well, you know, you've got to get your expectations right about a guy who famously resided at the Playboy mansion.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] You mean a guy that you know lived there.

[1002] He told me a few stories about that, too.

[1003] I've heard a couple great ones, yeah.

[1004] Touch on what you said about him.

[1005] Like, it always ends with a punch.

[1006] Yeah.

[1007] I remember there'd be a scene where he, you know, he was always kind of the tough guy in the show, too.

[1008] and he would always turn it into a much bigger thing than it need to be.

[1009] At first it was just like, he talks closely to the guy and he says it's a subtle threat.

[1010] Well, by the end of the scene, he had a pencil in the guy's neck and was, you know, doing something to, like, threaten the dude's life.

[1011] Full Nelson.

[1012] Or the guy was like, I guess we had to bring this stunt double.

[1013] He's going to be punching the guy out through the window?

[1014] You need to punch him through the window.

[1015] They probably had a guy on standby at all every time Jimmy was working.

[1016] like we got it jimmy's going to want to throw this guy off this yeah balcony yeah there's a good chance he's going to throw him through that window we make sure that's that's that's uh stunt glass yeah he used to say things like i want to punch you right in the nose kids too good looking on you break his fucking nose literally what i have written on this piece of paper was was he triggered by you because he was the alpha stud of the center he's the lead of my favorite movie of all time to this day thief that's his favorite movie too by the way is it yeah he's the baddest motherfucker in that movie yeah he's a he's a bad man he is also like uh you know lived the the the the the the the persona so here he was i just imagine if i'm him and i'm older now i'm not the sex symbol of the thing and this guy's taller than me and bigger i got i just would imagine that'd be a little triggering for him well if it was like i said before i'm good at sort of diffusing things.

[1017] that's what I'm saying.

[1018] I showed him respect and I showed him, you know, and it was always funny because he, I always knew when he didn't like something I was doing performance -wise because it was like this.

[1019] He's like, hey, come over here for me. I want to talk to you about something.

[1020] I was like, oh, God.

[1021] And he talked to me about like the scene.

[1022] But I never took offense to it.

[1023] He was like, Jimmy Kahn wants to give me a note.

[1024] Motherfucker was in Godfather.

[1025] I'll take it.

[1026] Sonny.

[1027] And.

[1028] You know, I learned a lot from him.

[1029] I learned a lot watching him, and he'll be the first to say you can learn from me, both by what I do and what I shouldn't have done.

[1030] Uh -huh.

[1031] Is this part true that Spielberg handpicked you off of seeing Las Vegas to be in Transformers?

[1032] Like a direct, we're putting this kid in the movie.

[1033] Not only that, this is, like, Stephen Spielberg has been like a guardian angel for me. Really?

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] Because DreamWorks did win a date with 10 Hamilton.

[1036] Oh, okay.

[1037] He looked at the screen test for that and said, if I was doing this movie, I'd pick him.

[1038] Really?

[1039] Which I think helped me get Vegas.

[1040] Uh -huh.

[1041] And then there was some scenes in, I'm not sure he had anything to do with me getting the job on Vegas, but I know that that was also a DreamWork show.

[1042] And he'd seen an episode where I had come back from Iraq and I had this post -traumatic stress stuff going on.

[1043] And it was dark and it was really a lot of fun to play.

[1044] and he'd seen it and told Bay, you should look at this kid.

[1045] And I remember getting the part, Leslie Feldman, who's a very dear friend, casting director, who's worked for him forever, I called and I said, Leslie, what do I do?

[1046] I am, like, how do I thank this guy?

[1047] Yeah.

[1048] He's done that, he's like sort of tapped me a couple of times, which has completely changed the trajectory of my career.

[1049] She's like, well, call him.

[1050] I was like, what do you mean call him?

[1051] I can't just, she's like, oh, here, I'll put you through.

[1052] puts me on the phone, calls me, and sends me, and he's at his, I was like, where is he?

[1053] He's at home.

[1054] And he's at an office at home.

[1055] Picks up the phone and has like a 20 -minute conversation about, I kid you not.

[1056] And he was just, he was complimentary about what he'd seen.

[1057] He said what he would love to see me do in Transformers.

[1058] And, you know, that was, that was it.

[1059] I was like, what the hell is going on?

[1060] Now, having said all that, he's never actually put me in one of his movies.

[1061] Wow.

[1062] You know.

[1063] So he likes me. enough.

[1064] No, but he's been, he's truly been, uh...

[1065] That conversation where you, like, panicked, talked to that?

[1066] I would feel like, uh, a little bit.

[1067] What do I say to Steven Spielberg?

[1068] I just, you know, I, so I want a daytime Emmy.

[1069] I don't know if you know this, but, uh, you know, you made a good choice.

[1070] Yeah, I don't even remember how, I think I blacked out during the conversation.

[1071] I think I just said something like, uh, I don't know.

[1072] Thank you.

[1073] Yeah.

[1074] And I don't know what I did to deserve it, but thank you.

[1075] Uh -huh.

[1076] And, you know, he's just, Have you met him?

[1077] Never.

[1078] He's a really, really, like, weirdly sweet man. Is he?

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] He's just a genuinely nice guy.

[1081] I read, like, Raging Bulls, that book, Raging Bulls, something.

[1082] It's all about the 70s cinema.

[1083] And in that book, it talks about him having kind of a party side.

[1084] And then I got really excited about him.

[1085] Because at first, I'm just, oh, the guy's perfect.

[1086] He's unapproachable.

[1087] But then he was very much in the mix in the 70s.

[1088] And I just found that.

[1089] Is that what everybody did in the 70s and 80s?

[1090] It's like part of, you know, that was part of the production budget.

[1091] Yeah, that made me like him weirdly.

[1092] I don't, I have a hard time liking people that I perceive as being flawless.

[1093] I'm just like, I can't relate at all.

[1094] I mean, I'm a ex -cumbag.

[1095] I don't think there's anybody who's spotless out there.

[1096] If they are, you should be pretty skeptical of them.

[1097] Yeah, yeah.

[1098] I think it's, you know, it's hard to get through this whole journey without stepping in some shit every now and then.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] Now, how many Transformers have you done, four or five?

[1101] I did four of them.

[1102] Oh, there's been four.

[1103] There was five.

[1104] You weren't in the first?

[1105] I didn't do the fourth one.

[1106] The fourth one, why not?

[1107] Because Walbert came on and didn't want me around.

[1108] Uh -huh.

[1109] He didn't want a better -looking guy than him.

[1110] Son of a, no. They were just going to read, when he came, they were just going to sort of retool the whole thing.

[1111] Gotcha.

[1112] And then, and then they made the next one, they wanted to bring me back.

[1113] That's great.

[1114] And I was like, okay.

[1115] It's like an annuity.

[1116] Yeah.

[1117] I mean, incredible to get, the gift that keeps on giving, right?

[1118] Yeah.

[1119] Do you, do you worry about money at all?

[1120] Not really.

[1121] That's great.

[1122] I mean, it's not like I have endless supplies of money.

[1123] No, but you're, but I don't spend, I'm not crazy with money.

[1124] No, you've had the same pickup truck since I met you nine years ago.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] You just got your first new car in, what, 12 years or something?

[1127] Two thousand.

[1128] I did.

[1129] I bought my first new car.

[1130] It was five months ago.

[1131] Yeah, and you don't wear Armani or anything that I can tell.

[1132] You're generally in sweats.

[1133] Well, here's the thing about money, too, is that I would rather, and I've been, sometimes you've got to take jobs for money.

[1134] You do.

[1135] It's just part of the business.

[1136] You do some for art, and you do something for commerce.

[1137] But what I've tried to do, or what I'm trying to do more is just be as selective as I possibly can be, just to have sustainability.

[1138] because if I start doing crap, your career won't last as long.

[1139] So I've been very good with my money so that I can, you know, make smart decisions, hopefully.

[1140] Yeah, make it through the lean years.

[1141] Yes.

[1142] The last show you did was Vince, is it Gillian or Gilligan?

[1143] It's Gilligan.

[1144] Yeah.

[1145] I thought that's too pedestrian when I read the spelling of it.

[1146] I thought it can't really be Gilligan.

[1147] Gilligan.

[1148] But it is.

[1149] It's Gilligan.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] Like the island.

[1152] Yeah, my little buddy.

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] um you were on battle creek which was his first show after right breaking bad right you must have had crazy expectations for that yeah david shore was the showrunner you know there's all kinds of things about that that all the ingredients and you and all you can ever do is try to stack the deck as best you can yeah and hope that uh people watch and that this the network gets behind it it had great reviews that just the network just never got behind it and it was so frustrating so We were making a good show.

[1155] I remember running into you because I had come up with an idea I wanted to do with you at showtime.

[1156] I remember that.

[1157] And then I remember reading that you were doing that show as I was writing scenes.

[1158] And I'm like, well, I'll see them in seven years.

[1159] That's literally what I was thinking.

[1160] It went one year.

[1161] Uh -huh.

[1162] We were one and done.

[1163] But, you know, again, sometimes...

[1164] How do you take things like that?

[1165] I was okay with it.

[1166] Oh, good.

[1167] I really was because I don't want to do it unless we have the support of the people that are putting it out there and we didn't.

[1168] Right.

[1169] We truly didn't have, they didn't do anything to support the show or to promote the show.

[1170] And if that's the way it was going to be, I didn't want to be.

[1171] Sure.

[1172] But you don't take on.

[1173] But it's still not fun to be part of something that doesn't work.

[1174] Well, right.

[1175] Well, I take an overshare of the responsibility even when I have nothing to fuck to do it.

[1176] Well, so do I. And that's why, for me, it's important just to try to do stuff that's, that's, it's, it's, you know, has credibility.

[1177] Yeah.

[1178] So what made you want to direct?

[1179] Because here's this fun thing.

[1180] You and I are now in this cyclical.

[1181] You do me a favor.

[1182] I do you a favor.

[1183] You do me a favor.

[1184] And it's good.

[1185] I hope it goes on for decades.

[1186] Like, you're in here virtually because I did ADR for your movie last week.

[1187] And you're like, fuck, he came down to ADR.

[1188] I got to go to this stupid podcast.

[1189] I was going to do this anyway.

[1190] And what if you, though, had timed how long I was in ADR?

[1191] And I'm like, and then you said, I woke.

[1192] You were there for an hour and 15, so I'm out of here.

[1193] What hair got up?

[1194] you're asked that you're like, I'm going to direct, I'm going to put energy into doing this.

[1195] Well, I always felt like I could do it.

[1196] I always felt like I had an eye for it.

[1197] I feel like I knew how a scene should play.

[1198] What I didn't know were a lot of the technical things.

[1199] I didn't, I didn't pay enough attention to the cameras and stuff throughout my career, which I wish I would have.

[1200] And now I'm taking a much more proactive approach about that.

[1201] You know, and I was always worried about, do I know enough?

[1202] Do I know enough?

[1203] Do I, am I going to be able to handle the questions that are coming at me because it's you know prop department wardrobe you know whatever they're just everybody's got questions would i be able to handle it yeah that was what scared me the most about it and all the prep and everything else but i had done a few movies where with directors that i was like why the fuck is he i should be doing this uh -huh like and it wasn't that they weren't good i just felt like they didn't have like i had a kid i could like i understood how a scene should be edited better.

[1204] Right.

[1205] You know, I understood the nuances of the behavior and things that make it seem more interesting.

[1206] And at least that's what I thought.

[1207] And so I was like, you know what?

[1208] I want to do this.

[1209] And I wanted to find the right project and it became the buddy games.

[1210] Right.

[1211] And because I saw it.

[1212] I could see how I wanted it to play out.

[1213] And that was kind of when I just finally said, you can do it.

[1214] You can do this.

[1215] And I hired guys like you and James Rode who'd also directed.

[1216] I'd be like, dude, I got 30 minutes to finish this team.

[1217] What do I do?

[1218] I'm not kidding.

[1219] It's just.

[1220] did help to have you and Roday there with me and you did you helped me a lot with that you know just in some of the some of the days just to get stuff shot um it's it's to look at scenes and I'm like dachs helped me get this thing shot and it's beautiful oh that's wonderful um I'm so happy to hear that uh but it is you also did it under the the I think the best way to do it to be honest I've done it both ways but to do it with not enough time and not enough money yeah I like that I did too I mean obviously I wish I had a little more time and a little more money, especially now that I'm trying to get the music, right?

[1221] Well, that's where it kills you is in post.

[1222] Yeah, yeah.

[1223] Oh, I hate that.

[1224] Yeah.

[1225] His music is everything.

[1226] Yeah.

[1227] And we literally have like $5 ,000 they budgeted for our music.

[1228] Oh, man. That's not even close to a song.

[1229] Do you know that hit and run we made for legit, one million dollars?

[1230] Did you really?

[1231] But when we sold it, we said we want a big music budget, basically.

[1232] So I have a million dollars of music in a million dollar movie.

[1233] Really?

[1234] How did you pull that?

[1235] I don't really know.

[1236] I doubt I could do it again.

[1237] But somehow, we got that.

[1238] Yeah.

[1239] I'm sure you know this too.

[1240] I mean, every step along the way has just been one hurdle after another, after another.

[1241] And it truly feels like my biggest accomplishment in my life.

[1242] I cannot believe that I'm at this.

[1243] point that this movie is that we're about to go to post in Vancouver next week to finish it.

[1244] And I'm be like, it's done.

[1245] Yeah.

[1246] And then we get to put it out there.

[1247] You must minimally walk away going, yep, I made the movie I would want to go see.

[1248] Right.

[1249] And I did.

[1250] Do you feel like you did that?

[1251] I totally do.

[1252] And it's funny.

[1253] I mean, we've shown it twice to audiences now, and it's a big reaction.

[1254] It's a party.

[1255] And I didn't know if people were going to get my fucked up sense of humor.

[1256] Sure.

[1257] And they were laughing.

[1258] They were rucked.

[1259] through it in both of them and it was like such a gratifying feeling to know oh my god they think it's funny yeah and that's really what i was going for i just wanted it to be funny yeah um and so yeah i'm proud of it i can't wait for people to see it uh forever grateful to you by the way for for for donating a week and a half of your life for free you know fortunately we did have like everybody that came to that came for you know no other reason than to just contribute yeah nobody was there other than they just wanted to help.

[1260] And that's why, you know, I'm truly grateful to every single person in that cast.

[1261] And your buddies were there.

[1262] So really quick, in real life, you and your college friends would get together and you'd have this weird obstacle course weekend, the buddy games.

[1263] And then so you made a movie about it.

[1264] And the real buddies were there.

[1265] They did come.

[1266] Well, they were there when I was there.

[1267] They came with the whole time I was there.

[1268] Boles of Vodkas, I remember.

[1269] And I was like, you guys, you can't be drinking on set.

[1270] Like, not only were they drinking, but they were drunk.

[1271] Oh, they were behaving exactly how I would have behaved with my friends from Michigan.

[1272] If someone made a movie about us, it was so wonderful.

[1273] At some point, one of the buddies was certain I was playing a very specific buddy and thought I was doing a real good job at it.

[1274] I just remember leaving the conversation like, wait, I'm playing a historical figure.

[1275] Like, I should have watched some video or something.

[1276] Was I playing a real?

[1277] No. You were playing, your character is based on me, if anybody.

[1278] Oh, okay.

[1279] Well, fuck.

[1280] We didn't get the looks right.

[1281] Or the butt cheeks.

[1282] To have all of them there.

[1283] Yeah.

[1284] Drunk.

[1285] Uh -huh.

[1286] Sure.

[1287] And not only that, but what they didn't realize is that there's continuity.

[1288] You start drinking at 7 o 'clock at night and we're going until 8 in the morning.

[1289] Yeah, it's hard to pace yourself.

[1290] By the time we get the camera around to them, they're so over it.

[1291] They don't even want to be there anymore.

[1292] Oh, there's nothing better than inviting someone who loves the idea of a movie set just invite them for a few hours it takes so little time to be disillusioned you're like oh this is one of the boringest things in the world it's like watching paint dry they were already like hung over and had to stand in the same spot talking to the same person for 12 hours that's pretty spectacular there's one last question i have to ask you before you go and this is going to be a hard one i am in a very public marriage and when i think about you know We've been together 11 years, but, like, we live in real life.

[1293] We might not always be together.

[1294] I sometimes think about what the fallout of that would be.

[1295] My hunches that America would definitely side with her no matter what happened.

[1296] And I was listening to the podcast with Bateman, by the way.

[1297] And he said that it would probably take her a week before she got somebody better.

[1298] Oh, if that, if that.

[1299] That is a reason to keep her.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] Yeah.

[1302] What's the saying?

[1303] Yeah, upward and onward.

[1304] If we broke up, I'd be like, okay, downward and backwards.

[1305] But I do think of the, like, I feel the pressure of like, it's just weird to have everyone know you're together and to embrace that and like that.

[1306] And I always feel like, God, if we broke up, man, I would, as much as I'd feel bad about that, I'd also feel weirdly bad about breaking people's hearts that were rooting for us.

[1307] Yeah.

[1308] Was that an element in getting divorced that?

[1309] was hard?

[1310] Yeah, I guess so.

[1311] I, you know, I was never comfortable with the public sort of the power couple.

[1312] Yeah, I got into more.

[1313] It had nothing to do with how much I loved her.

[1314] Right.

[1315] But I wasn't ready for all of that because I still get, oh my God, you're that guy, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, together anymore right right but but uh and it took me a long time to get like past that i don't know was my ego or was like well i'm a person too i'm not just mr furgy yeah but i learned to just find it endearing after you know we were together for a long time and i just laughed it off after the you know it's challenging i think as a guy especially where we're from for me i had a hard i've had a hard time in the past going like my wife makes more money than me stupidly like a caveman like like emasculated by that.

[1316] Well, I mean...

[1317] Did you ever have that?

[1318] Yeah, of course.

[1319] I mean, she made a lot more money than I did.

[1320] But again, it's not really about that at the end of the day, you know?

[1321] And I'm always going to have her back.

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] It was, uh, it was tough, you know, the public part of it was, it wasn't an easy thing to go through, especially the breakup.

[1324] I don't know if people were rooting for us or not, but it is.

[1325] There's something sad about that because you want to root for people to stay together you know and once you get past that and not really give a shit what people think yeah and just focus on the child that's what i guess what i'm saying is that as someone who admittedly is worried about what people think yeah and fucking up you don't ever want to fail at anything i just imagine that being heavy it is and and i know i know that people are going to say things about me and they're able to blame me for it or whatever nobody knows what what what happened.

[1326] It just didn't work.

[1327] And at the same time, it's like, I don't, I really don't care anymore because I'm just, I'm, it doesn't, it, it, it, it, because I know, we know the truth.

[1328] I know the truth.

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] And what really matters is that we are united in raising our son.

[1331] Yeah.

[1332] That's all I really give a shit about.

[1333] One of the cutest kids in the world came to the, came to the, yeah, well, they, the way, we were trying to matchmake them because when you did a day on chips, you brought Axel.

[1334] I did.

[1335] And Lincoln was there.

[1336] That's right.

[1337] It's a couple of blonde little...

[1338] They are.

[1339] Yeah, lookers.

[1340] I'm sure they'll find each other someplace.

[1341] Yeah, they'll find...

[1342] I'm nervous, though, your son.

[1343] I don't know.

[1344] I don't know.

[1345] I'm not sure.

[1346] I got to tell the best story, though, about you, Fergie Bell and I was that.

[1347] When we did it, when in Rome, I dipped, you dipped, and Kristen Bell dipped.

[1348] She chewed tobacco.

[1349] Sorry.

[1350] Yeah.

[1351] It's my fault.

[1352] So did Ferg.

[1353] Well, that's what I'm getting to, is that we...

[1354] Remember, we went to Italy.

[1355] We were going to shoot in Italy.

[1356] for a week and none of us brought enough dip we were complete do you remember this yeah we're completely out of dip and we're panicking yeah and fergie's coming to visit and we're like oh my god tell her to bring dip and you had fergie bring like a duffel bag of dip yeah and she did didn't truly a duffel bag yeah there was it was so much dip i'm surprised they didn't stop her at customs and there was a moment where we were all in this little piazza we were filming and fergie was visiting set and us three were working and we were all dipping and we all had spit bottles And I said, and we were all standing like in a line.

[1357] And I'm like, this would be the most fantastic paparazzi photo of all time.

[1358] It'd be the only time I'd ever really want to be in a paparazzi photo of all four of us dirt bags, dipping in this beautiful piazza.

[1359] So how long did K. Bell do that?

[1360] We quit when that movie ended.

[1361] Really?

[1362] So she was actually dipping regularly?

[1363] Oh, all day, she got into the different flavors.

[1364] She had like peach, apple.

[1365] She really liked the different flavors.

[1366] Berg did too.

[1367] It was the weirdest thing.

[1368] I was like, are you really?

[1369] Is this?

[1370] Are you somehow doing this to like, bro out with me?

[1371] Gave my attention or my love?

[1372] You really like, and she did for a while.

[1373] And then she quit.

[1374] I was like, I was kind of happy she quit.

[1375] Of course.

[1376] I felt so guilty that Bell started because of me. We were just driving in the car and I look over and she's like, you just put it.

[1377] And she's already putting it in.

[1378] I'm like, oh, honey, don't start this.

[1379] But anyway, we quit.

[1380] I quit for almost eight years.

[1381] And then I fucking went off again.

[1382] for a few years it's rough well it's not black tar heroin that's not that's not black tar heroin yeah um anyways i love you what's cool about you too is that people wouldn't know is that you are um you work very hard on yourself you like you're engaged in the fight to be a better person and mentally to be a healthier version of yourself yeah and i think that's really admirable i think it's the most important thing yeah you got you got to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help anyone else right right right and so I'm a work in progress but you know I'm I enjoy it I actually like learning about past patterns uh psychology different ways to you know meditate all these different things that that somehow make everything else seem less important yeah if you can get a grasp at least on that like all these things we take for granted that we do a lot of them destructive a lot of them productive we just kind of take for granted that that's who we are but there's like there's something at the bottom of it all why we're doing any of the things we're doing right yeah it's good question to ask i appreciate that i adore you i look forward to our many many favors we do back and forth uh on this on this marathon we're both in let's call them reach arounds okay reach arounds okay and i'm gonna get i will have your butt cheeks before we die i don't care if i have to go on steroids they they make implants for that now no i want the real thing i want to be i want to have like a 39 inch vertical leap yeah all right i love you All right, love you too, brother.

[1383] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1384] Check the facts with balls of hurry.

[1385] La La La La La La La La. Tis the season to check faxies.

[1386] La La La La La La La La La La. That's great.

[1387] Here comes Monica with her computer.

[1388] Going to point.

[1389] out all of my heirs.

[1390] Great.

[1391] There it is.

[1392] Merry Christmas.

[1393] Thank you.

[1394] You're kind of a scrooge.

[1395] And a hapah new year.

[1396] You think I'm a scrooge?

[1397] Well, you didn't want to do a song.

[1398] Yeah, because I feel like it's getting laborious, is what I was saying.

[1399] Right.

[1400] Like, as a listener, I feel like I got to slog through another song.

[1401] I think people like them, but okay.

[1402] So Josh, this is going to be quick.

[1403] Josh, do him.

[1404] Now, why is it going to be quick?

[1405] There wasn't very many facts at all.

[1406] Okay.

[1407] In fact, there's no facts.

[1408] So you said that you guys met in 2009 on when in Rome, and it came out in 2010, and that's right.

[1409] Oh, okay.

[1410] Well, it came out in 2010, so I assume you shot it in 2009.

[1411] It came out in January of 2010.

[1412] Hmm, weird time to release a comedy.

[1413] Mm -hmm.

[1414] And we paid the price for it.

[1415] Oh, really?

[1416] And it didn't do so hot.

[1417] Mm. I feel like people saw it.

[1418] Sure.

[1419] These things end up on TV and then you catch them.

[1420] You know, you're flicking.

[1421] I've seen it.

[1422] Let's just check in with how you're feeling today.

[1423] Great?

[1424] Great.

[1425] Last night was the Hansen Holiday Christmas party.

[1426] Yeah, it was.

[1427] Which is a real Bacchnalli, a best party of the year.

[1428] It's so fun.

[1429] They do a big, huge white elephant.

[1430] The biggest.

[1431] There are recurring gifts that come back.

[1432] Mm -hmm.

[1433] It's so fun.

[1434] It really is fun.

[1435] something that really caught everyone by surprise was we last year brought a I think Kristen had it made right well yes we had it made but so you have to give the backstories so there was a gift that was recurring every year a dick of drawers yes it was a large vertical penis and then in the penis there were three sliding drawers yes and if you ended up with that and no one stole it from you and you were stuck with it you you were obligated to bring it back the following year but redecorated exactly so the first year somebody brought it and then and then the next year whoever the person who got it I think it was jackie or Jess brought it back and had like painted it very gross like well there was veins and there was hair added.

[1436] That was Jess, I believe.

[1437] And then the second year, it came back.

[1438] It came back.

[1439] It was painted black.

[1440] Oh, okay.

[1441] And then it's been, it's been through a lot.

[1442] It came up, came back as a NASA space shuttle.

[1443] Well, and then it had to get retired because John Chu put it in a humongous lucite tube.

[1444] Snow globe.

[1445] Snow globe with a little miniature train that would go right.

[1446] I mean, it's in, it was beyond description.

[1447] It was incredible.

[1448] And Kristen got it that year.

[1449] And retired it.

[1450] And then the next year brought back a chest of drawers that was custom made.

[1451] And it's two fat nachies.

[1452] Fat cheese.

[1453] Yeah.

[1454] On a nightstand.

[1455] Yeah.

[1456] And the boobs are on the face of the drawer.

[1457] Yes.

[1458] And then there are some pronounced nipples as poles.

[1459] Yes.

[1460] So you can get in and out of the drawer.

[1461] And somebody converted this.

[1462] son of a bitch into the most amazing kegator basically there's there i wouldn't even believe this if i was listening to it i know but there's a tap on the top of the nightstand one nipple one nipple works the tap unbelievable yes you you like a toggle switch you push the nipple down you don't tune in tokyo no you just push the nipple down and beer comes out of the top yes And then the other nipple now activates a built -in lamp that's been bolted to the top.

[1463] It was incredible.

[1464] A lot of ingenuity and engineering went into it.

[1465] Yes.

[1466] I talked to them after and they said they were so relieved that the year was over.

[1467] Because it took so much effort to build that.

[1468] They've been working on it all year and he had to take it to Mexico or something.

[1469] Oh, my goodness.

[1470] I mean, it was.

[1471] Oh, geez, Louise.

[1472] It was crazy.

[1473] And then I want to tell my story about my presence.

[1474] So I was number five.

[1475] That's early in the game.

[1476] It's not ideal.

[1477] Okay.

[1478] Ideally, you want like 28 because then you can, you can, things have been stolen a few times.

[1479] You can lock something in.

[1480] Right.

[1481] And I got, I went early and I picked a cactus, a potted cactus.

[1482] It was very cute.

[1483] It was very cute.

[1484] But I wanted this blanket of Ryan and Amy's face.

[1485] really badly.

[1486] Okay.

[1487] And no one was stealing my cactus, even though it was so cute.

[1488] But there were some high ticket items.

[1489] There was like $100.

[1490] There was a lot of stuff that was getting picked.

[1491] Oh, I brought a bidet.

[1492] Mm -hmm.

[1493] Yeah.

[1494] Which was stolen.

[1495] A sign of a great present is how much it's stolen.

[1496] It's stolen, yeah.

[1497] And it was stolen a couple times, right?

[1498] No, just once.

[1499] Oh, just once.

[1500] And you got stuck with that cactus and no one wanted it.

[1501] No one wanted it.

[1502] And I, look, so then I wanted that blanket really bad.

[1503] And then you had the opportunity at the end of the night to get me and you didn't, which was a little upsetting.

[1504] Because I was the worst.

[1505] I was number one.

[1506] You were number one.

[1507] Yeah.

[1508] But I had to steal something for Delta.

[1509] Yeah.

[1510] I had to.

[1511] There was someone brought a unicorn night lamp.

[1512] and she loves unicorns.

[1513] I had to get that for her.

[1514] Right.

[1515] I'm sorry I didn't have two steals.

[1516] Even though, yeah, you're right.

[1517] I mean, what can I do?

[1518] I mean, you could have bought the unicorn lamp and gotten me the blanket that we can't buy.

[1519] But okay, that's fine.

[1520] And I guess it was just hard because I had just bought Delta a lot of unicorn accoutrema for her birthday.

[1521] that she'll get on Wednesday.

[1522] Uh -huh.

[1523] Who made the Hanson?

[1524] Ryan and Amy.

[1525] Oh, they made it.

[1526] Okay.

[1527] And then later in the evening, Charlie Perfect 10 Charlie came up to me and said, I have a confession.

[1528] Uh -oh.

[1529] I brought the cactus.

[1530] Uh -oh.

[1531] And I said, oh, my God.

[1532] Well, I love the cactus.

[1533] It's just because I wanted that blanket.

[1534] And he said, yeah, I went to the store, and he picked it out, and he potted.

[1535] it himself and you put the soil and now I'm so happy I have the cactus oh this story has a happy ending it does sheena got the blanket and before I knew it was charlie's cactus I went up to she and I said do you want to trade so I can have that blanket and she said she would think about it and then before she left after I found out it was charlie's cactus she came up to me and she said okay about you know we can trade and I said you know what I don't want to trade anymore oh wow You got a whole emotional journey.

[1536] You felt betrayed by me. Yeah.

[1537] You felt resentful.

[1538] You felt like you got the short end of the stick.

[1539] Then you tried to broker a deal.

[1540] Then you rescinded the offer.

[1541] I mean, so much happened to you last night.

[1542] And Sheena left her gift.

[1543] So I do get the blanket.

[1544] Oh, my goodness.

[1545] So you got everything you wanted.

[1546] Yes.

[1547] Okay.

[1548] All right.

[1549] Except I didn't get your loyalty.

[1550] Well.

[1551] That I didn't get.

[1552] But that's okay.

[1553] Look, I don't know, you know, there's only like a couple people you could test your loyalty against, my loyalty to you against.

[1554] You can't pick Delta.

[1555] Yeah.

[1556] In fact, I would, if you picked me over Delta for anything, I would be disappointed in you.

[1557] I wouldn't, but I would just buy her that lamp.

[1558] Well, I don't know how to buy a lamp.

[1559] This is bigger problems.

[1560] All right.

[1561] Okay, anyway, the fact check.

[1562] So, oh, you said you couldn't remember Kristen's name in that movie.

[1563] And her name is Beth Martin.

[1564] Oh, in when in Rome.

[1565] Mm -hmm.

[1566] Okay, Beth, Elizabeth.

[1567] Presumably Elizabeth Martin and everyone called her Beth.

[1568] Or Bettina.

[1569] Is that a long form of Beth?

[1570] Bethany.

[1571] Bethany, yeah.

[1572] That makes me think of on topic, the blessing from family vacation.

[1573] that Aunt Bethany is the one that can't remember the blessing.

[1574] So instead she does pledge allegiance.

[1575] I haven't seen that movie this year.

[1576] Oh, I'll watch it again.

[1577] I will watch it.

[1578] It's now Sunday.

[1579] So, guys, I'm already getting panicky.

[1580] Christmas is almost here.

[1581] And I want it to be a couple weeks away.

[1582] I want it to be a couple weeks away for the next month and a half.

[1583] Yeah, I know.

[1584] Yeah, I'm already starting the addict in me. starting to panic about it going away.

[1585] I know.

[1586] I understand that.

[1587] Do you have any of those feelings?

[1588] I do.

[1589] And I also have them about the way my house looks.

[1590] Like, oh, I'm only going to be able to experience this for another week because then I go home.

[1591] When I come back, I have to tear it all down.

[1592] It's so sad.

[1593] I know.

[1594] We've got to fix this.

[1595] I think that, you know, there's a lot of things in this country that we got to come at from another angle and see if we can't do better.

[1596] Yeah.

[1597] Something needs to be done better about Christmas.

[1598] It needs to last a lot longer somehow.

[1599] I'd be, yeah, I'd vote for that.

[1600] Yeah.

[1601] I'd go for that as a prop.

[1602] Like, I know that the, the Sultan of Brunei, when he has his birthday, it's for the entire month.

[1603] The whole country celebrates for the whole month, you know.

[1604] Right.

[1605] And that's just a Sultan.

[1606] That's not baby Jesus.

[1607] We should be celebrating all year.

[1608] Yeah.

[1609] Never stop celebrating.

[1610] I guess that's what the Christians do.

[1611] ABC, always be Christmas.

[1612] Yeah.

[1613] You know?

[1614] You know what?

[1615] No, we're wrong.

[1616] We wouldn't enjoy it if it was all year.

[1617] We have to have something to look forward to.

[1618] Okay.

[1619] Then your birthday comes.

[1620] That's something to look forward to.

[1621] Yeah, less and less.

[1622] We're going to do something fun for it.

[1623] Okay.

[1624] Great.

[1625] I hope.

[1626] January 2nd.

[1627] Oh, okay.

[1628] So do you remember your name in the movie in When in Rome?

[1629] I only do because I gave myself the name.

[1630] Oh, you did?

[1631] Yeah, Gale.

[1632] Yeah, Gail.

[1633] Because I had it in my mind that Gail was obsessed with Wind and the power of Wind.

[1634] And Gail thought it was the most powerful force on Earth.

[1635] Oh, wow.

[1636] Yeah.

[1637] In fact, I wrote a little scene where I was explaining that Kristen's character.

[1638] And she said, I think water's the most powerful, like, you know, made the Grand Canyon and stuff.

[1639] Oh.

[1640] I disagree with her.

[1641] So, yeah, it's Gail for Gail Force Wind.

[1642] Oh, oh, he's named after it.

[1643] Wow.

[1644] Yeah, Penae really gave me way too much latitude to create that character of Gail.

[1645] That's fun.

[1646] Yeah, it was fun.

[1647] When you give someone a little ownership over the thing they're doing, it gets you that much more invested.

[1648] I'm in the hotel room writing scenes and stuff about the power of wind.

[1649] Yeah, yeah, that's great.

[1650] Okay, the book about cinema in the 70s is called Easy Riders Raging Bull, How the Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll Generation Saved Hollywood by Peter Biscind.

[1651] Great book.

[1652] I loved it.

[1653] If you're into movies and naughtiness, it's...

[1654] It's a bullseye in both accounts.

[1655] Yeah.

[1656] You said that I was disappointed in you in the Scotty Bar Fight story.

[1657] Mm -hmm.

[1658] And I'm not disappointed.

[1659] I just want to be clear.

[1660] I'm not disappointed in you.

[1661] Oh, okay.

[1662] I just think you could have left.

[1663] Okay.

[1664] That's really my takeaway.

[1665] I'm not disappointed in things you've done.

[1666] Any of them?

[1667] No. Oh, okay.

[1668] Yeah, I have no disappointment over anything you've done, although you've done everything nearly right.

[1669] No, I've made plenty of mistakes.

[1670] I can't think of any, but...

[1671] Well, right.

[1672] That's it.

[1673] That's it?

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] Okay, well, guys...

[1676] They're here early.

[1677] Oh, my God, they came back.

[1678] A few days early.

[1679] You know what?

[1680] I think the roof of the attic might be like one of those butterfly trees in South America where the butterflies always return to the same tree, even though they've never been there.

[1681] Like a hub?

[1682] Yeah, like, yeah, I think...

[1683] Are we a hub?

[1684] It would appear that we're a reindeer hub.

[1685] Oh my God, I love that.

[1686] What if all of a sudden we just heard tons of lumber breaking and the roof collapsed and we got smushed by reindeer?

[1687] That would be the perfect...

[1688] Yes.

[1689] I'd like that.

[1690] Hey, come, San Diego, like it comes San Diego, right and down Santa Claus Lane.

[1691] Do you like those Elvis Christmas songs?

[1692] Um, sure.

[1693] They crack me up.

[1694] I love them.

[1695] Yeah.

[1696] Because he's like, oh, go, la. Yeah, he's gyrating.

[1697] He's gyrating and getting very sexual for Christmas.

[1698] He is, yeah.

[1699] All right, I love you.

[1700] Merry Christmas, happy new year, and to all a good night.

[1701] Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app.

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