Why Your Kids Ask “Why?” Every Time

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[24] So do you have a child who when you ask him or her to do something always responds with the question, why?

[25] Well, of course you do.

[26] That's why you're listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[27] So welcome.

[28] This is Kirk Martin Founder Celebrate Calm.

[29] We're thrilled that you're here.

[30] We ask you to share this podcast with other people.

[31] And if you ever need help, find us celebrate Calm .com or email our strong -willed son, whose only words he ever knew when he was younger was why, right?

[32] That's partly where we learned this.

[33] And we had about 1 ,500 kids coming to our home and we've worked with about a million families.

[34] So you're not alone.

[35] And this is pretty normal that your kids do that.

[36] So if you need help, email K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com and tell them about your family and he'll ask you why.

[37] I'm kidding.

[38] He'll help you out.

[39] So look, here's what's going on because typically what happens is you walk into the room, you tell your child something, and he or she responds with why.

[40] And your response, like my career military father's response is, ours is not the reason why ours is but to do and die.

[41] That was from the charge of the Light Brigade.

[42] That was my upbringing.

[43] So you don't ask why of your parents, right?

[44] I get that.

[45] Listen, if you think that you're going to walk into a room and that you're a military general or you're their platoon captain and they're just going to ask, when you say jump, they ask, how high, sir, it's not going to happen.

[46] And especially with a strong will child, and I'll tell you, it's not even human nature to do it.

[47] Now, some of you are very compliant, and that's a wonderful thing, but your kids aren't.

[48] and it's unnatural.

[49] I know what you want to hear, which is, of course, mother, of course father, right away.

[50] I'll get ready and drop everything I'm doing and I'll hurry out the door and I'll match your crazy pace and what you want so that you don't get upset.

[51] I know that's what we want to hear.

[52] It's not going to happen and you're going to get pushback and you're going to think that your child is being defined.

[53] Sometimes your kids are defined.

[54] But in this case, they're not being defined.

[55] What they're looking for is context.

[56] And I encourage you to write that word down in big, bad, wide letters, bold letters, context.

[57] Strong will kids need a lot of context.

[58] I do not want to explain things to them.

[59] I'm not going to plead with them.

[60] I'm not going to ask too sweetly, but I'm also not going to scream and yell.

[61] But I will at times provide context.

[62] These are big picture thinker kids.

[63] They're good at chess and checkers and Legos and arguing with you.

[64] And all of those things have one thing in common.

[65] They require strategy.

[66] These are kids who see patterns in things.

[67] And so when you tell them something, they're trying to fit it into a pattern in their brains and in their life.

[68] I personally do this all the time at age 54.

[69] I seek patterns.

[70] It provides comfort.

[71] It tells me about the world.

[72] I've seen patterns throughout my life so I can tell when things are going to happen.

[73] And context is extremely important for me. I am a huge asker of the question.

[74] Why?

[75] Tell me what the big picture is.

[76] So I'm going to give you a very specific example of how to use this.

[77] But before I do that, I want to mention this for your kids as they get a little bit older, say fifth grade and above, middle school, high school.

[78] As kids get older, instead of just telling them what to do all the time, and especially instead of lecturing, I provide context or perspective.

[79] So an older child tells me something, instead of responding with, well, you know what you really need to do is because all that guarantees is your child's going to do the opposite and not listen to you.

[80] What I tend to do with older kids is say, hey, here's some perspective.

[81] Think about this.

[82] Here's what I know from life, what typically happens in these situations.

[83] So give that some thought, and I believe that you're capable, making really good decision.

[84] And then I walk away, and I want the kids to come to me to ask for more.

[85] I'm not going to push and push and push, but as kids get older, when I provide context and perspective and some space for them to really think about it, what I'm doing is training them to be an adult.

[86] because if you're an adult, people aren't running around telling you exactly what to do all the time.

[87] You have to learn to think.

[88] You take in lots of different information and then you make decisions.

[89] And I want to train kids from a very early age to begin to think for themselves.

[90] Now, we don't really like that as parents because we just want them to do what we told them to do.

[91] But I encourage you to begin using context.

[92] Here's an example.

[93] So you've got a child and he's been waiting all week for Saturday morning because Saturday morning there's no pressure to get up and do school worker rush off the school where he's anxious and is red on the behavior chart and maybe struggles with making friends his own age so he's happy he's going to get up and be in his PJs and he's going to build with Legos right this example we're going to use and so he's happy he's got like all morning it's awesome he can be creative nobody's telling him what to do and then all of a sudden parent walks into room hey put your Legos up put your shoes on, we need to go.

[94] And immediately the child's going to ask, well, why?

[95] And you're likely going to you know what?

[96] I don't have time for your attitude.

[97] Just put your shoes on.

[98] We need to go now.

[99] And I guarantee as soon as you go to that tone of voice, now it's fight or flight, and it's more likely going to be fight.

[100] And now you're going to spend 15, 20 minutes, maybe 30, maybe an hour if there are tears involved, fighting, getting into a power struggle, and you're going to walk away, think that child is just so defined.

[101] Why does he have to make everything so difficult?

[102] And I get it, parents, it's really, really hard.

[103] I get it.

[104] But they weren't being defined and we're the adults, so I'm putting that one on us.

[105] With a simple little change and extra 10 seconds of context, we can almost always get a different response from that.

[106] the child.

[107] Because when you walk in through, hey, put that up, we need to go right now.

[108] What they hear in your voice is your anxiety because you're in a hurry.

[109] You know that your child doesn't always move that well and they're not always that compliant and you're anticipating the power struggle and you've got to go where you've got to go and you're running late already because you're a little bit frazzled and they can feel that anxiety and they want nothing to do with your anxiety.

[110] I will tell you that your kids mostly are not rejecting you.

[111] They are rejecting your anxiety.

[112] I would encourage you if you have not done it already.

[113] Go through.

[114] the 30 Days to Calm Program.

[115] Those of you that got the Calm Parenting Packard on sale, which it still is, I think, this week.

[116] We've got a different sale going on.

[117] But listen to the 30 Days to Calm program, because that'll help you get control of yourself and you will see such huge changes.

[118] The program we're featuring this week is the, well, two of them, because we're doing these for $99, which is awesome, awesome, awesome.

[119] For 99 bucks, you get four programs in the Get the Bag.

[120] So look on our website for Get the Bag.

[121] And one of those four programs is 30 days to call them.

[122] There's another one on discipline on defiance and on a strong will child to teach you all this stuff.

[123] And then there's a few, if you have a slightly older child, I'd do the no BS program.

[124] So anyway, if you need help call Casey.

[125] But here's where I want to go with this.

[126] So let's say you walk into the room and instead you do this.

[127] Again, an extra 10 seconds can sometimes save 10 minutes or 10 hours of fighting.

[128] So I walk in the room, hey, Jacob, really cool Lego project you're working on there.

[129] Listen, plans have changed.

[130] Grandma called, and she's sick, and I could really use your help.

[131] Do me a favor.

[132] Pick up the Legos, I'll help you out.

[133] We'll put that up on the table so the dog doesn't knock it over.

[134] And maybe we'll grab a few Legos.

[135] If you could do that and grab some soup from the pantry, throw your shoes on, we're going to go help Grandma out, and I promise you later this afternoon, we'll have plenty of time to keep building with Legos.

[136] I'll even help you out with it.

[137] Now, is he going to say, Mom, Dad, thanks so much for providing context.

[138] Now I really want to go.

[139] He's not going to say that.

[140] But he's more likely to probably grumble a little bit, which is understandable, but then get up and take a specific action step because now he's got a game plan.

[141] So let's break this down.

[142] When I walked in and I said, hey, really cool Lego project you're working on there.

[143] I just acknowledge that what he is doing is important to him.

[144] Is it important to you?

[145] No. Most of what your kids doing is not important to you, doing TikTok videos, being on screens, building with their Legos, whatever they're making or destroying in your house to create something with.

[146] But it's important to them.

[147] This is human nature.

[148] You know our phrase before compliance, you connect.

[149] Connection before compliance.

[150] And what I just did was connect with the child and say, and I affirmed of like, hey, you're really creative.

[151] That's a really cool Lego project.

[152] it's really important to you that you're doing that.

[153] And I love that you're doing that instead of doing TikTok videos, whatever it is.

[154] But I just acknowledge that.

[155] What did that take?

[156] That took five seconds of my time to acknowledge that.

[157] Listen, plans have changed.

[158] And notice my tone of voice.

[159] I'm not getting in an anxious voice.

[160] I'm not coming in and pleading.

[161] I just said, listen, plans have changed.

[162] Boom.

[163] You just gave your child like a second and a half to adjust in his mind because when he heard plans have changed inside, he's thinking, oh, crap.

[164] And instead of just springing it on him, hey, put your stuff away, stop doing what you're doing and you're going to do what I'm going to do right now.

[165] I just said plans have changed.

[166] It gives them a half a second to adjust and begin to move.

[167] You know how your kids are.

[168] They don't do transitions well.

[169] And I'm imploring you, stop treating them like they're you.

[170] Maybe you're good at transitions, but they're not stop fighting their nature i you've known because you have asked them 436 times to do something different and transition and 436 times it hasn't worked that well so i know this about my child so why would i not adjust a little bit and no they don't transition that well so i just say hey plans have changed listen your grandma's sick okay that's the context now i'm not explaining that's really important for us to help grandma and to help other people.

[171] And if we're going to be people of faith, I'm not doing a long explanation.

[172] I'm not trying to convince them.

[173] I'm just laying out the facts of the case, which is things have changed and grandma called and she's sick.

[174] And in your child's brain, he knows, we've got to help grandma.

[175] Okay.

[176] And so there's some context there to place this change within some context of something that makes sense.

[177] Now again, this is going to brush up against those of you who are still hung up on like, well, I'm the authority figure.

[178] When I walk in the room, he just needs to jump and doing what it.

[179] I get that.

[180] But you don't do that always for other people.

[181] Okay?

[182] And if you do, you're resentful about it, right?

[183] A good authority figure leads, and I'm leading my child now, right?

[184] So, with some plans of change, we've got to go help, grandma.

[185] Listen, do me a favor.

[186] I need some help.

[187] And what did I ask?

[188] One, I helped them.

[189] Maybe I picked up the Legos because part of the reason they freak out is like, well, If I leave the Legos on the floor, the dog is going to get into them.

[190] So I said, I'll help you put it up on the table.

[191] Hey, grab a few Legos.

[192] Do me a favor.

[193] Grab a can of soup.

[194] Your kids like to be helpful.

[195] They like to be part of things.

[196] That's what you will hear on that Strong World Child program is all about ownership.

[197] They want some ownership of the process.

[198] So I asked you get some soup, throw your shoes on, we're going to go help grandma.

[199] That's our new mission.

[200] And then I headed off the big question and the big meltdown, which is, because this is what your child's thinking, mom, dad, you always say we're going to go to grandma's house for two hours, but it's going to end up being eight hours, and it's boring at her house, and it smells like old people, and then on the way home, we're going to have to stop at the nail salon and the grocery store, and that's stupid, and I'm never going to get to play with my Legos, and all I wanted to do all week long is play with my...

[201] You know that's where that's coming from, and I just headed that off by saying, look, we're going to grandmas, we're going to be there for a few hours, bring some Legos with you, but when we get back, I'm going to carve out some time, and we're going to have time to finish this project.

[202] And by the way, I'll even sit down and do it with you.

[203] Now, does that mean your child's going to say, yes, ma 'am, yes, sir, of course.

[204] No, they're probably still going to grumble a little bit.

[205] And I give them a little bit of grumbling because I grumble a little bit when plans change and you don't do what I said.

[206] But eventually what happens is they will do what you ask them to do because then you go about being busy and you getting ready, but you gave them a game plan.

[207] You acknowledge what they were doing was important.

[208] you gave them a vision of the future, which is, we're going to be back here later.

[209] We're going to have time to do this.

[210] I'm not ruining your whole day with it.

[211] Now, if you are going to have to run the whole day because grandma fell and she's in the hospital and you're going to be gone for the whole day, then be honest and say, listen, this stinks.

[212] But grandma's sick and we're going to go help, we're going to go help grandma.

[213] So let's grab some stuff that we can take that you can do at the hospital.

[214] But at least I'm providing a context in a game plan.

[215] Does that make sense?

[216] I want you to work on that this week of just walking into the room and providing a little bit of context for things, not explanations and not trying to convince them why it's important that they get on board with you, but just some context and with your older kids don't talk so much.

[217] Go with that lower key thing of like, look, I know what you're, I kind of get what you're encountering here.

[218] Let me just give you a little perspective.

[219] Here's what I've found.

[220] And I give them a little information in 30 seconds or a minute and then say, I believe you're capable of making good choice.

[221] Look, if you want to talk about this, I'll be glad to listen.

[222] I'll be glad to give you a little bit of wisdom.

[223] And give them some space to work through it.

[224] And as you do that, they're more likely to come to you when you're not forcing everything on them.

[225] So that's our lesson for this week.

[226] I believe that you can do it.

[227] And if we can help you, reach out to us.

[228] Email Casey at celebrate calm .com.

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[245] Bye -bye.