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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Murders in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Welcome.
[17] Welcome to my favorite murder of the minisode, where we read you back your shit.
[18] don't you love it we're um so we do this thing for minisodes when we're on tour where we read the minisodes from the states the states we're going to be in the following weekend or the upcoming the upcoming it's very technical yeah the next thing the next place we're going to go to we'll read stories from there yeah so it's like wet your whistle yeah so Atlanta New Orleans Cleveland Nashville Nashville Nashville.
[19] Just always throw Cleveland in.
[20] Cleveland.
[21] We're always coming to you.
[22] So do you want me to go first?
[23] Okay.
[24] You look like you're like, do you want me to go blow your mind?
[25] You want me to go first?
[26] I'm going first.
[27] This one is for, it's from Atlanta.
[28] It's a story from Atlanta.
[29] Hey, Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and fur babies.
[30] God damn you.
[31] I wanted to share with you the night our pup, Pupper, man, strike two.
[32] our pupper charlie saved us from being murdered while i panicked and apparently changed outfits three times before the police even got there okay so my husband brian and i have gone to see paranormal activity too and we headed back to our tiny bungalow overlooking uh the cute shops um police station and restaurants in historic norcross georgia sounds adorable it's a little suburb right out of atlanta's perimeter we went to bed fairly early because brian had to fly out early the next morning for work, but we were awoken in terror by our Springer, Spaniel, going absolutely crazy at about 3 a .m. That's just the middle of the night.
[33] Paranormal activity?
[34] Yeah.
[35] Not what you want.
[36] Not cool.
[37] Springer, Spaniel.
[38] It's never darker than at 3 a .m. I knew the second that I heard his bark that something was really wrong.
[39] It was like no bark I'd ever heard from him or any other dog.
[40] Good boy.
[41] We both immediately jumped up and started running toward the barking, our tiny bungal had a waist -high white picket fence all the way around it with a big wraparound southern style front porch the side door was glass and had the wavy old window panes and charlie starts going nuts attacking the window when we look up there's a man standing there staring at us with his arms casually by his side rocking back and forth with the most terrifying smile on his face No!
[42] No!
[43] I'm already scared because, you know, I don't like sliding glass doors because, like, on a ground floor, because you can't, all you can see is your reflection when the lights are on.
[44] That's right.
[45] That's not okay.
[46] You have that, don't you?
[47] I have that.
[48] And that was just in a movie where we were talking about, oh, my God, that's so perfect and scary.
[49] And then you turn the light off and it's.
[50] It's someone inside at night with all the windows going, I feel someone is outside, but I, now I know they can see me and I can't see them i'm just going to live in a box hey that's all it's happening okay so brian who was buck ass naked screamed at me to get our gun holy shit i was always scared of having guns in the house so we had a shotgun with no bullets so i got the empty gun from the closet and brian still naked cracked it and held um held it through the window while i phoned someone's canadian i phoned 911 as i'm waiting on the operator my house husband tells me i have to go back and check the porch he was convinced this guy was the distraction and that more were coming in the back oh my god no oh and it says what the fuck to w t f yes okay by this point i'm totally out of my mind with panic the dog is still going berserk my husband is naked and holding the empty gum it seemed to be some sort of drugged out zombie but but luckily i didn't see anyone in back by this point the guy now has crossed his arms and is leaning his face against the window staring at Brian through the glass.
[51] He's that close.
[52] Just smiling, giggling, and whispering things under his breath.
[53] No, no, no, no. He didn't break eye contact with Brian, which somehow made it even more terrifying.
[54] Dude.
[55] Our home was just a few blocks from the police station.
[56] You could literally stand on the front porch and see the station.
[57] So once I was on the phone with the 911 operator, she was like, describe him, so I did.
[58] And she says, oh, goodness, we know who that is.
[59] whatever you do don't chase him if he runs so it says uh what the fuck i'm sorry apparently they had picked a guy up earlier in the night and he had just strolled off from the station and ended up at our house while i was on the phone with 911 my husband said he kept seeing me run back and forth in and out of our bedroom each time i ran by i was in a different change of clothes he said I changed at least three times I have no memory of it whatsoever by the time the police showed up I had on a summer dress my hair was pulled up and I had on lipstick Brian was still naked with an unloaded gun the police dragged the zombie criminal off the front porch and arrested him in the front yard they couldn't stop talking about how creepy the guy was which must be super creepy considering what cops see every day oh that's so awful oh my god After Brian finally got put on some shorts, he asked one policeman what suggestions he had for better home safety.
[60] He said first, get a dog and then get a security system and then get a gun she knows how to use as he pointed at me. He looked me dead in the eye and said, honey, we generally show up to clean up the mess.
[61] If he'd gotten in, he could have killed you and gone in the time it takes us to get here.
[62] It was our sweet baby hero, Charlie, who alerted us to something being wrong.
[63] and was brave enough to not let up until the police got the bad guy.
[64] Good boy.
[65] He kept his mom a sexy and he didn't let me get murdered.
[66] Good boy.
[67] I love your show.
[68] Can't wait to see you live in Atlanta in January.
[69] SSDGM, Katie.
[70] I'm going to cry.
[71] What a good boy.
[72] Charlie's a good boy.
[73] You got to have a dog.
[74] You got to.
[75] I'm a cat person through and through.
[76] You know that.
[77] But they're the best.
[78] There's no substitution for a fucking dog.
[79] The loyalty and the fucking fur.
[80] her and the the when they were describing of the different sounding barking there is a barking george does at the front when there's somebody on the front porch that we don't know and it sounds completely different than her normal barking well i know when they meow and they want food and when they meow and they just want to talk when they meow and they're you know this or that but it's not the same thing these cats will stare at you as someone breaks into the house yeah they will watch it yeah as like they're fascinated absolutely like leave the door open because i want to get the fuck out of here um oh my god that made me want to cry the i didn't realize how close he was his face to the door laughing and whispering to himself the whispering that's just someone who's completely gone their mind is gone yeah for whatever reason i'm also impressed with her husband who like took care of shit even though his dick was out yeah you know maybe because of it yeah maybe he was starting to feel himself yeah not literally at a whole never mind i meant in that kind of a man -of -the -earth way.
[81] Right, yes.
[82] Not in a pervert way.
[83] Like, how funny would it be, though, if...
[84] Then he gets arrested.
[85] They're like, sir, you like this crime too much.
[86] Yeah, you're really into this.
[87] Okay.
[88] This one's called Nashville foot stomper, lighthearted.
[89] Okay, great.
[90] I don't know how that's going to happen.
[91] Hi, friends.
[92] Perfect.
[93] I'm from Nashville, Tennessee, and for many years, a man named George Mitchell sparked fear in the toes of my hometown's female citizens.
[94] Let's take a step back.
[95] Storyteller.
[96] Uh -huh.
[97] George grew up in a rough part of town at an early age was committing petty theft.
[98] Shocklifting turned into purse snatching and he soon discovered that purses were easier to snatch if he stomped on the woman's foot first.
[99] It didn't take many stomping snatches with a stomp and snatches.
[100] Stomp and snatches.
[101] For George to realize his true passion, not stealing or snatching, but rather just pure, unadulterated, toe stomping.
[102] Oh.
[103] So he stopped stealing purses.
[104] He was just like, well, wait.
[105] a minute.
[106] He just liked the feeling of smashing someone's toes.
[107] What I'm really into is.
[108] George was arrested over 40 times for smashing innocent little piggyies with his wooden heeled dress shoes between the 70s and 80s.
[109] At some point in the mid -80s, the stomping suddenly halted and Nashville women everywhere sided with relief as they dared to unbox their long, lost, open -toed sandals.
[110] You can hear more about the Nashville foot stomper in a documentary called injurious George.
[111] Injurious George.
[112] Injurious George.
[113] George.
[114] Injurious George.
[115] That's what I meant.
[116] I got it.
[117] George has ceased his cringeworthy ways, moved to another state, and is now a dad and a grandfather.
[118] So there you have it.
[119] A happy ending for all.
[120] I don't know.
[121] Namely Nashville's female population who enjoy showing a little toe from time to time.
[122] P .S. I recently ran the Marine Corps Marathon and saved multiple weeks of episodes so I could listen to nonstop MFM during my race.
[123] Thanks for getting me through two and point.
[124] 26 .2 miles with murder and meows, love and sexiness, Allison.
[125] Wow.
[126] Ouch.
[127] First of all, Allison, congratulations on the marathon.
[128] That's a hard thing to do, and I will never do it.
[129] I mean, I hope never to do it.
[130] I hope never to be forced to do that.
[131] God damn it, that's my ultimate fear.
[132] Never.
[133] Marathon, skydiving.
[134] Never need to.
[135] What else?
[136] Bungie jumping.
[137] Yeah, I guess I'm going to go back to Marathon.
[138] I'm just double down on that one.
[139] I'm going to triple down on marathon and walk away a winner.
[140] Okay, this one, the subject line is Haunted Elevator with a surprise celebrity came cameo.
[141] Love it.
[142] Love it, love it, love it.
[143] And how about this?
[144] Hi, everybody.
[145] Perfect.
[146] Thank you.
[147] Get creative, though, sometimes.
[148] Love it.
[149] Love everything about it.
[150] That's the first line.
[151] That's the best.
[152] Beautiful.
[153] Okay.
[154] So my hometown in Atlanta, Georgia.
[155] My hometown is Atlanta, Georgia, and my hometown murder forward slash ghost story.
[156] Ooh.
[157] Also happens to include the single most bizarre encounter my life.
[158] Back in 1994, my mother remarried into an extremely wealthy Jewish family when she married my stepdad.
[159] Get it, girl.
[160] And stack it up.
[161] My new family and I come from vastly different backgrounds.
[162] Don't know if you ladies have watched the show, Shameless, but the character Mickey Malokovic is a male version of me when I was coming up if you haven't seen the show.
[163] I was on my way to being a piece of convict garbage.
[164] No offense to a convicted felon.
[165] Anyway, on the first night of Hanukkah, 2002, my family celebrated at my step grandmother's home.
[166] She lives in a high rise and an Uber wealthy part of Buckhead and her building has elevators you can only use after the front attendant has given you clearance.
[167] Oh, I get it.
[168] Let it.
[169] Fancy.
[170] My stepdad Andy is my usual side.
[171] kick at family functions, but he wasn't feeling well that night, so he didn't attend the party.
[172] Without him, I felt out a place and ended up hanging out...
[173] That's so sweet her step -down was her son kid.
[174] I know.
[175] It's very sweet.
[176] I felt out a place and ended up hanging out with one of the concierge staff in the downstairs lobby.
[177] We were shooting the shit, drinking some booze.
[178] I'd smuggled down from the party.
[179] When I started hearing a consistent dinging sound coming from the elevator from a side corner of the lobby.
[180] It sounded like somebody was pressing the button to open and close the elevator but wasn't getting off for whatever weird reason.
[181] I looked over and could see the floor's opening and closing, the door's opening of closing, and the lights inside flickering on and off.
[182] I asked the attendant if the elevator was broken and he casually responded, no, it's just haunted.
[183] He told me that a few years earlier, a bloody man had run screaming into the building after being shot in an altercation down the street and had collapsed and died in the elevator.
[184] No. Apparently, the guy who had been the building.
[185] perpetrator was trying to run from the police but didn't make it very far um oh the guy had been the perpetrator and was trying to run from police okay but didn't make it very far the attendant told me that ever since the death the elevator had behaved strangely no matter how many times they had it served the doors open and closed on its own and it acted like it had a mind of its own taking tenants to random floors going up um going up them all the way back down without opening the door shit going up then all the way back down without opening the door and generally being pretty creepy I thought the attendant was just pulling my leg and I told him I thought he was full of shit when a pleasant British voice chimed in behind me saying oh no that elevator is most definitely haunted and I refuse to use it I turned around to see who else believed this bullshit only to see it was Elton fucking John standing there what wearing a blue a pair of blue pajamas and one of those stocking cap hat things that you might expect to see on an elf when Stephen is laughing so hard right now did you write this as a prank this is insane you found it and you were like I have to get this to them and you're laughing in a way that he's like excited oh it's so good it's so good it's you gotta love a celebrity cameo this is an epic after a second of me staring at him while I tried to process what I was seeing he gave me a cute little head nod and wandered off down a side hallway.
[186] What?
[187] That's the story of how I learned that Elton John lives in my step -grandmother's building, that he believes the elevator's haunted and that he has some sweet -ass pajamas.
[188] Cheers, Amber.
[189] P .S., my stepdad is my personal hero and best friend, and without him, I wouldn't be half of who I am today.
[190] He listens to the podcast with me sometimes, so on the off -chance this was read, I wanted to add that to the record.
[191] Why am I crying so much like this?
[192] That's lovely.
[193] Amber, that's very sweet.
[194] And a great fucking story.
[195] That's beautiful.
[196] I'm so happy for you, Amber.
[197] Amber, good job.
[198] You all deserve that.
[199] Your mother deserved it.
[200] You, your mother, and she found a wonderful man. She found a wonderful man. It didn't matter if he had money.
[201] It helps.
[202] It just helps that he's a rich.
[203] As my mom would say, it doesn't hurt.
[204] It never hurts.
[205] It never hurts.
[206] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage.
[207] shopping.
[208] Absolutely.
[209] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[210] Exactly.
[211] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[212] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[213] That's right.
[214] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[215] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[216] From accepting payments to managing inventory.
[217] They have everything you need to sell in person.
[218] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[219] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[220] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[221] Connect with customers inline and online.
[222] Do retail right with Shopify.
[223] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify .com slash murder.
[224] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[225] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[226] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[227] Goodbye.
[228] Hey, this is exciting.
[229] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[230] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[231] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[232] Who killed Saz?
[233] And were they really after Charles?
[234] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[235] season murder hits close to home.
[236] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[237] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[238] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[239] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[240] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Davey, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[241] Only murders in the building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[242] Goodbye.
[243] Hello.
[244] Hey, Georgia, Karen, and Stephen.
[245] Doesn't fucking care about Petsk.
[246] Cool.
[247] Long -time listener has been meaning to write you guys for a while.
[248] My little sister, Reba, turned me onto your show after you guys were on Anna Farris' pod.
[249] Even brothers, I'm a guy, and sisters are bonding over a shared interest in MFM.
[250] And we are coming together to your new Orleans.
[251] To your New Orleans.
[252] There were two different lines.
[253] show at the end of January 2018.
[254] We are also crazy cat ladies and love the purrcast, Stephen.
[255] Love it.
[256] Smiley face.
[257] Lafayette is a big Catholic hub in southern Louisiana.
[258] There was a rumor going around town in 1987 that a satanic cult was looking to sacrifice a Catholic priest along with a pregnant woman, you know, like Satanists like to do.
[259] My mom was actually pregnant with my kid's sister, I think it's Riva, at the time.
[260] Reba.
[261] and my twin brother and I were about two years old.
[262] So my mom was literally barefoot and pregnant chasing two toddlers around the house waiting on my sister to be born.
[263] Fuck that shit.
[264] One afternoon, when she was late into her third trimester, she was on the phone with a female friend when my brother and I naped.
[265] She noticed a strange car slowly driving down our street, which was atypical of our quiet neighborhood.
[266] The car parked at the end of the street and a woman exited the vehicle, dressed in a strange, flashy clothing with a wild, fiery red hair.
[267] picture Susan Saran and after her makeover in the Witches of Eastwick.
[268] Sure.
[269] Thank you for the reference.
[270] She walked past six other houses, up our driveway, up our driveway to the front door and began knocking.
[271] Thankfully, my mom was a full on satanic panic believer and knew whatever was going on.
[272] It was fucking weird.
[273] And she was not going to answer the door.
[274] She told her friend to call the police if they got disconnected.
[275] And my mom ducked down and hid behind a kitchen counter.
[276] The woman knocked and jiggled.
[277] the door handle for over five minutes before giving up, walking back down the road and leaving in the vehicle she had arrived.
[278] To this day, my mom is certain this wild woman was there to kidnap her for a satanic sacrifice and also throws in a jab that if my brother and I had not been napping, one of us would likely have given her cover away because we loved when strangers or anyone knocked on the door.
[279] I guess we'll never know.
[280] Thank you ladies for bringing humor and levity to this sometimes dark world and for sparking my interest in true crime much love from the cajan country sSDGM corey yay yay i love that that's so funny what are the other things it could have been though like an avon lady yeah but why would she walk by six houses just to go to this woman's house maybe she saw how badly she needed foundation and makeover yeah she was like girl but why would let's fix those eyebrows it's weird i think that's a beautiful beautiful um that's a beautiful one to end on just a lot of uh we don't know doesn't necessarily mean anybody was in danger right but satanic panic is fun and she played it safe and she played it safe she didn't get murdered because even if it wasn't a satanic the the you know head of a satanic cabal or something it could have just been a weirdo lady that was gonna like bum her out i also want to say that if your kid even if you give you your kids give you away and they're crying and screaming that doesn't mean you need to open the fucking door.
[281] You can fucking blow, clearly blow the person off.
[282] You can tiptoe to your door and they hear you and you can look through the people and nope the fuck out of there and not answer the door.
[283] Yeah, you know what you should do?
[284] Look, you can look through the people and then if you get caught, then you look out the window and start whispering and smiling.
[285] Ah!
[286] Why can't you be the creep?
[287] Don't be scared of the creep outside.
[288] You be the creep.
[289] What if no one ever wants to come into your house because you're a creep?
[290] You know what's really funny?
[291] I was what I think I've said this to you before, but I was walking George one night and I was getting scared.
[292] I was like around the corner.
[293] And then I looked inside someone's window and I realized I'm the creep right now.
[294] I'm looking into the windows.
[295] No one can see me. I get to be the creep.
[296] Yeah.
[297] I thought about that too, like late at night and I'm in bed and like if you hear someone like break into your house, let's say, and it's like they're coming for you.
[298] It's like they can't see anything either in the fucking darkness.
[299] And you know your house better than they do.
[300] And your eyes are fucking used to this light because you're in insomnia.
[301] I can do it up for four hours.
[302] So you're, you can be a fucking scary person, too.
[303] That's right.
[304] And you have run this scenario through your head at least five times.
[305] So get up out of that bed.
[306] And if you're like, you're all.
[307] You have your fucking pepper spray and a knife in your fucking bedside table.
[308] I would hope you have at the very men's a butter knife, a kitchen knife, or as my dad used to have a full on switchblade in his nightstand.
[309] That's what I have to.
[310] That's my favorite.
[311] I have a switch blade and pepper spray.
[312] Switch blades.
[313] Yeah.
[314] Yeah.
[315] I can't close mine.
[316] so it's just an open switchplay.
[317] Switch plates are very scary on the going back inside.
[318] Yeah, I wouldn't fuck with that.
[319] Listen, just fuck with people is what we're saying.
[320] And send us your hometowns in anything similar to my favorite murder at Gmail.
[321] Yeah, similar to anything you heard today, especially if you've got a story about meeting Elton John, we want to wear it.
[322] Ghost stories are great.
[323] We love them.
[324] Ghost is great.
[325] But Elton John, I would say.
[326] really way up there, especially if he was wearing his Donald Duck costume when you met him.
[327] I can see him having glorious pajamas.
[328] And also just being, like, hilarious and leaving, like, knowing it's like, look it's me, bye.
[329] Yeah, I'm just going to say one thing, goodbye.
[330] Like the way, like, um, what's his name?
[331] Uh, oh, no. Never mind.
[332] Somebody who says one thing?
[333] No, how, what's his face?
[334] Uh, when people in the background of photos.
[335] Photo mom?
[336] Yeah, but it's, um...
[337] Tom Hanks?
[338] No. Bill Murray.
[339] Thank you, Stephen.
[340] How Bill Murray photo bombs photos all the time?
[341] Does he does?
[342] Yeah, he does.
[343] That's like, yeah, you can do that because you're Bill Murray.
[344] That's right.
[345] The best story.
[346] I mean, once you get to that level, your life is so weird anyway.
[347] There's so many things you can't do.
[348] Why not do a couple of things you can do?
[349] Yeah, make it weirder.
[350] Fun times.
[351] We're an elf hat and go talk to people about the elevator.
[352] And also stay sex.
[353] And don't get murdered.
[354] Goodbye.
[355] Elvis, you want cookie?