MFM Presents: Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan - "Reparenting with Georgia Hardstark"

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Guys, this is such an honor.

[2] It's been a long time in the making, and we are so proud for you guys to listen to the very first episode on Exactly Right of Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan, my cousin.

[3] This is hosted by Dr. Dan Peters, Georgia Hard Cirque's cousin.

[4] Thank you.

[5] He is a psychologist.

[6] He's an author, and he's a father with over 20 years experience.

[7] And he helps caregivers parent with purpose while striving to.

[8] be the best version of themselves.

[9] Dr. Dan, Danny, to me is just, he's always been the loveliest warm -hearted, kind person, even when I was a bratty little kid.

[10] So he's the perfect guy to tell you about how to parent.

[11] And this podcast teaches us all how to make the world a more loving, accepting, and compassionate place, one parent and one child at a time.

[12] The first guest on this episode, which is about reparenting yourself is none other than our own Georgia hard start.

[13] That's me!

[14] I had so much fun recording this with him.

[15] I am so proud of what we happened and how we talked and what came out.

[16] And I just I really can't wait for you guys to all listen to this.

[17] I really hope it helps people and I think you'll love it.

[18] So enjoy the network premiere episode here and then head over to the parent footprint with Dr. Dan feed for a new episode out today with new episodes every Thursday.

[19] And plus, you can check out the full library of the show's past episodes with incredible guests and discussions and advice there's so much to learn from dr dan it's incredible subscribe to the show on stitcher apple podcasts or wherever you listen and if you like what you're here write a review please rate review and subscribe you guys it really helps us get dr dan in the charts and on the main pages and all the cool things and you can follow the show on instagram at facebook at parent footprint podcast Goodbye.

[20] Be kind to your little self.

[21] Be kind to your younger self.

[22] And that, to me, just has taken away a lot of shame.

[23] And what would you actually say to her or him?

[24] What would you say to them?

[25] You'd say, it's okay.

[26] You're going to be okay.

[27] You deserve empathy.

[28] You deserve to be paid attention to.

[29] And just to keep that in your mind over and over again, Welcome to Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan.

[30] I am Dr. Dan.

[31] This show is about making the world a more loving, accepting, and compassionate place, one parent, one person, and one child at a time.

[32] The key to raising healthy and engaged kids is for parents to seek the same in their own lives while striving to be the best versions of themselves each day.

[33] No matter who you are or where you came from, with increased awareness, you can be purposeful about leaving.

[34] a healthy footprint for your children, your family, and those you care about while living your life to the fullest.

[35] Okay, today's show, there's beyond excitement, beyond being fired up.

[36] This is, this has been in the making for a while.

[37] This is our first show with exactly right media.

[38] Big, hooray.

[39] This is amazing.

[40] And also a really special guest who I am very excited to enter.

[41] introduced right now.

[42] Today's show is called Reparenting, and we're going to talk about this with our guest, Georgia Hardstock.

[43] Georgia is the co -creator and co -host of the hit True Crime Comedy Podcast, my favorite murder, along with Karen Kilgariff, where her show has broken downloan records and sold out live shows worldwide.

[44] Georgia is also the co -author of Stay Sexy and Don't get murdered, the definitive how -to guide.

[45] She's appeared on multiple cooking channels written for L and Food Network online and was twice a guest narrator on Comedy Central's drunk history.

[46] I highly suggest you watch those shows.

[47] And finally, she is the co -founder and co -CEO, along with Karen, of Exactly Right Media.

[48] I would like to give a warm, warm welcome to my cousin, Georgia Hardstark.

[49] Dr. Dan.

[50] You've never called me that before, ever.

[51] I've never, I'm going to do the best to be respectable and not call you Danny.

[52] Well, I think you got to call me who I am.

[53] So most of our listeners have never heard that.

[54] Me being called Danny before, I can tell you that when people come into the center, people from my long ago past or call in office staff love it when someone asked for, hey, is Danny there?

[55] So you got to call me whatever you want to call me. I'm going to be respectable.

[56] Yeah.

[57] So this is, so first of all, welcome to all the murderinos to the show.

[58] And you guys are an amazing group of people who I'm privileged to be a part of.

[59] And I, for those parent footprint listeners who are also murderinos and your lives are now colliding, take a moment, take it in.

[60] You are a member of both tribes and that makes you super, super awesome.

[61] Yeah.

[62] And also before we go, we're going to get launched into a great conversation.

[63] For those of you who have not listened to my favorite murder before, just know this is informed consent.

[64] This might be the first parent footprint show with some colorful language.

[65] So if you're listening in front of other people that you don't want that to be the case, just so here we go.

[66] Okay.

[67] Again, I will do my best.

[68] Well, no, you just got to be you, right?

[69] You got to be you.

[70] Okay.

[71] So there's no censor here.

[72] Well, we got Phil, but he doesn't censor us.

[73] Okay, so, gosh, where to start?

[74] I guess the first thing I want to say is when you invited us to your show, long before COVID, at the Davies Symphony Hall in San Francisco, I mean, I've only been outside that place.

[75] I've never been in that place, and it's a pretty amazing place.

[76] and then going into the auditorium and seeing the people just for you and Karen, the people like love you in a way that is like just there's such this heartfelt connection between you guys and the murderinos and I mean, the show was awesome.

[77] But seeing the just the relationship and seeing you up there and seeing people screaming and on their feet, I just have to say, I was so taken and, I hope this sounds right, but I was so proud.

[78] Like, I was so proud of you and of Karen and what you guys have created.

[79] Thank you.

[80] And it's crazy.

[81] I mean, and we feel the same way about our listeners.

[82] Like, they always are like, you know, I feel like you're my best friend, even though you don't know who I am.

[83] And it's like, yes, we are and we know who you are.

[84] You're us.

[85] And because it's such a huge, you know, young women and, you know, older women and we who have been through the same or similar things that we have.

[86] And it's just, it's incredible.

[87] It's unexpected.

[88] Every time we walk out on the stage, it just feels so great.

[89] And when my family's in the audience, I'm proud too, because I know you guys are and you know what I've been through.

[90] And who to, who to thunk it for sure.

[91] Yeah.

[92] Yeah.

[93] Well, and part of your, I mean, besides the, you know, the, you know, the.

[94] show is like it's intriguing um i mean when i say the show also the podcast of course like intriguing um the mystery the humor um so of course people are connected on having that same interest and that same intrigue but or and it's you guys the secret sauce is like you guys are so open and authentic with who you are, where you've been, and such advocates for mental health and healing and wellness and lack of reducing stigma of all of that stuff, which is why, of course, we're doing this together and why we're so excited to be part of your, and Karen's network in exactly right media, is to be able to be part of this really important discussion for people to feel okay being who they are wherever they are on their journey.

[95] Yeah, and it's totally a journey and I think that it's always going to be and, you know, I don't have kids, I'm an awesome auntie and I probably won't have kids, 98%, but it is like the reparenting part is so important to me and being a good role model for my nephews and my friend's children and I definitely am an advocate for therapy.

[96] And you know, it's so funny because everyone says that, like, you're, you're so open about it, but it was never a conversation or a thought.

[97] I think Karen and I are just those types of people.

[98] And I don't have any.

[99] And I think maybe you can understand about being Jewish.

[100] It's like you, by law, you have to be in therapy.

[101] And it's not a stigma.

[102] Or be a therapist or both, right?

[103] Exactly.

[104] Exactly.

[105] And I've been in it since I was five.

[106] So it's just not weird to me. And And like, the more we do the podcast and talk about it, the more it makes us want to talk about it because it's so clear to us that it's helping people.

[107] And if that's all that's taken away from us in my life, then I'm happy.

[108] Is it ever been, was it scary to first share?

[109] Or was it more like it just happened because you are a really open, authentic person?

[110] Yeah, it was never scary.

[111] I mean, there's some parts of it that, and in the book, I had to really open up because it's a memoir.

[112] We want to talk about our lives.

[113] And Karen and I, oh, there it is.

[114] Stay sexy and don't get word.

[115] And we're actually writing a new one.

[116] We just got to announce it.

[117] Oh, nice.

[118] But yeah, it's, it's a memoir.

[119] And you don't want to tell the same stories you've told on the podcast.

[120] And so you have to be really vulnerable.

[121] And there are stories that I'm like, well, how will people react to this?

[122] But it's only been positive.

[123] And the people who are negative about it don't matter to me. So I just, I feel like the more I share, the more rewards I get, not reward, like more rewarding it is in my life.

[124] And that has just made it.

[125] And then every time I learn something in therapy, I get excited and I want to share it.

[126] And it's like, did you guys know that you can be a gray rock and let things slide off of you?

[127] It's crazy.

[128] So it's always been exciting.

[129] Yeah.

[130] And so being a seasoned consumer of therapy, a client.

[131] There are an array of different types of therapists and just like any people and an array of different approaches and also depending on people's ages.

[132] How would you say that your experience of therapy or counseling has been as you've been a child, adolescent, young adult, mature adult, maturing adult?

[133] I mean, it's always, the ones that I've stuck with, the therapist I've stuck with, it's always remained the same thing, which is a safe place to be me and to learn about myself.

[134] I still remember my first therapist that really helped me as a kid.

[135] Her name was Irma.

[136] And at first, she just wanted, like, do the things of, like, let's play games.

[137] And then she learned, like, now I understand that that's a way to learn about.

[138] me and ask the right questions and it's casual.

[139] But I think I was such a precocious little kid that I was like, can I lay down on your couch?

[140] And I thought it was supposed to be like Freud.

[141] Now I'd seen in movies.

[142] Totally.

[143] Yeah.

[144] And then I just wanted to cry, which I really didn't have an outlet to do at home.

[145] And I think from that moment on, it was really about learning.

[146] And I get really analytical and like my therapist now Kate she's incredible will be like you came into my office the first time and we're like all right here are the issues how do we solve them why do I do that and why there's no crying yeah and I had to slowly learn to open that up and that it's okay it's part of the process you're not broken because you have to completely you're constantly going through the same thing over and over again I feel like she's disappointed in me but it's not the case And so between Irma and Kate, there's been a myriad of therapists, the ones I feel comfortable with and share with that this completely, I wouldn't be who I am without them.

[147] It would have, my life would not be, have so many gifts.

[148] And, you know, I wouldn't have found an incredible awesome husband and I wouldn't have the confidence.

[149] I mean, I was in deep therapy when I started my favorite murder.

[150] And it wouldn't have happened without Kim, my therapist at the time.

[151] And what you talk about with, you know, like, let's solve this.

[152] Okay, what am I thinking?

[153] And I know that, you know, we have our head and we have our heart.

[154] And some of us lead with our head and our thinking and some of us leave with our heart and our emotion.

[155] And a lot of it is, you know, trying to integrate the two to find some balance.

[156] And like you said, is for a lot of us thinkers, it's we want to have a word for every thing.

[157] everything, an explanation for everything, a solution for everything, when sometimes it's about having to get in touch with those feelings and those emotions.

[158] Yeah, in the beginning, she was like begging me to scream into a pillow when I was alone.

[159] Good old primal screaming therapy.

[160] Yeah.

[161] And I just did not have the tools or the emotional openness to do that.

[162] I tried it once and I was like, I feel like an idiot.

[163] And she also tried rapid eye movement desensitization.

[164] EMDR, for those of you who are listening, yes.

[165] And it fucking, excuse me, shit.

[166] It triggered.

[167] You can bleed me. I want everyone to listen.

[168] Okay.

[169] It triggered.

[170] Everyone's like, it helps you so much with trauma.

[171] It triggered me so intensely that I almost didn't go back to therapy to her afterwards.

[172] Because I felt stupid.

[173] And to me at the time, there was no, there was no room for emotion.

[174] that was going to keep me from moving forward.

[175] And it's really taken me a year to get to the emotional part.

[176] And now I'm just scratching the surface of it.

[177] And she's taken a year to get me or to help me stop drinking, which is now a huge part of it.

[178] And it's terrifying because look at, there are all the emotions.

[179] There they right are.

[180] And I can't pour a shot of vodka on them.

[181] And I don't love it.

[182] It's not.

[183] So I saw you post about that.

[184] Are you actually in the throes of not drinking or you're still in what we call contemplation, pre -contemplate, you're getting ready to do it?

[185] I was in pre -contemplation.

[186] I'm in current contemplation doing it.

[187] And I'm on, honestly, I'm on ant abuse, which is that medication.

[188] I'm a big advocate for those who need pharmaceuticals in addition to therapy.

[189] Yes.

[190] It makes, it's what took me to stop drinking is that I'm going to get physically very ill if I drink.

[191] and it just took the alcohol out of the equation for now.

[192] And that's, that's what I had to do.

[193] And I'm, I'm fine with it.

[194] Yeah.

[195] So you're, you've been doing that.

[196] Yeah.

[197] It's been like almost two months.

[198] That's, that's, that's hard.

[199] I mean, that's, that's a commitment.

[200] Yeah, and I don't know, it is.

[201] And I don't know if I'm going to do it forever.

[202] I might, you know, go, go a while and then change my relationship with alcohol, ideally, but who the freak knows.

[203] So do you feel different, um, besides, maybe sleeping better and some of those other things and waking up feeling a little bit.

[204] What is the difference that you experience without alcohol?

[205] Really, I have to feel it all.

[206] And I didn't realize how much I was numbing out and dissociating, which is a big thing of mine is dissociating from, you know, I always thought it was just me being a daydreamer and having an active imagination.

[207] Which you have both of those things as well.

[208] I do, and I appreciate those things about myself.

[209] you for noticing.

[210] But yeah, it's, it's taken that out of the equation and it's been really hard and being vulnerable feels gross and terrible and hard.

[211] I'm glad it's during the pandemic because I don't have to go to parties and feel awkward and go out to bars.

[212] But, you know, I've learned.

[213] I'm learning.

[214] And it feels good.

[215] With, um, you talk about medicine, which you and you again post about, which is so helpful to so many people to see these little color pills and what's favorite and what does it do for you again like this the normalizing um i wanted before i talk about medicine what i was curious about is there's there's a debate like i've always struggled with the labels as someone who is responsible like having the quote power to give people labels on an everyday basis um mental health labels and i've and i've seen and i've gone through so many iterations personally and professionally with this is, you know, sometimes, I mean, the field of psychiatry and psychology and how we're trained is often so pathology -based and though like, what's wrong with you, which it makes sense if you think about it comes out of medicine and medicine's about, you know, identifying a pathology and then fixing it or treating it.

[216] And then there is the, I've also experienced personally and professionally how a label can help make people make sense of themselves in a way where there's kindness and compassion instead of all the self -criticism and feeling of broken and damage.

[217] So I'm wondering, what was your experience of getting labels and how do you, what do they do for you?

[218] I've had them all, you know, and I've come to a place where I kind of understand the ones I have and truly.

[219] And it is so helpful.

[220] And people get so scared of like, oh, my God, they labeled me with anxiety or they labeled with PTSD or bipolar and they get freaked out.

[221] But I totally agree with you that it's a starting point.

[222] And it doesn't mean you're broken.

[223] It means you have now tools in front of you to take care of it.

[224] And honestly, I think about being a little kid and wishing I had been diagnosed with what I think I clearly had, and of course we all diagnose ourselves, but who knows, with ADHD, which shows up so differently now we know in girls and women.

[225] So there was no chance of that being done for me. But I think my schooling and my education and it would have changed everything.

[226] I thought I was stupid.

[227] I didn't get good grades, even though now I look back and I'm smart.

[228] So even that little thing, and if someone's children get diagnosed with that, It's a good place to start.

[229] And then there's this quote that it gets attributed to me, but it's absolutely not mine that it says, if you can't make your own serotonin, storebot is fine, which I love, which is like, you know, it runs in my family.

[230] I cannot create for whatever reason nature and nurture the same chemicals that other people can.

[231] And that's okay.

[232] Yeah.

[233] And you know, one label I got, from a therapist once or a thing he told me to look up that was just this moment of clarity was the term sensitive, what's it called?

[234] Oh, a highly sensitive?

[235] Yes.

[236] Highly sensitive person and that blew my mind because I always thought I was a drag and turned the music lower and sorry I wasn't listening and, you know, more than that.

[237] And that made me feel so much less neurotic and like more special really.

[238] Yes.

[239] Yes.

[240] And so for listeners, there's a profile.

[241] It's not considered a diagnosis, but of a highly sensitive person.

[242] There's some great books out.

[243] It also can go with something that is a label, sensory processing disorder or sensory processing issues.

[244] And it's where your sensory system is overwhelmed and overloaded by sound, sight, taste, people, chaos.

[245] And also a sense.

[246] a subset with the highly sensitive people are really empathic as well and are picking up on other people's emotions.

[247] And it's just you don't, it's like you don't have this defense, right?

[248] It's like, it's almost like, where's my armor?

[249] Like, it's just, I'm penetrated and it can create a lot of behavior, especially for kids, a lot of difficult avoidant or reactive behavior where this is a primary cause.

[250] That's, yeah, that's so interesting to me. It makes total sense.

[251] And, you know, I always hate being like, I'm super empathetic because I feel like it's a big brag and everyone wants to be that way.

[252] But, you know, it's not, it's not a brag.

[253] It's just a state.

[254] And I can recognize it in my friends and certain people that I'm close with now and this bond that we have.

[255] And I would never want it to be any different.

[256] I just need to know what my triggers are.

[257] And then it just made it so it was okay instead of being, you know, I have to leave a part of a friend's house or a party or because it's too much.

[258] Right, right.

[259] You know, and that it's okay.

[260] It's just take, it's caretaking yourself instead of forcing yourself to be normal.

[261] Yes.

[262] And having some of my own characteristics of that too, which probably influence a little bit of why I do what I do, is you, in my own work, I had to realize like just because you see something, feel something and feel a need to help or, you know, get involved, like it doesn't mean you have to.

[263] Like when it comes down to choice, right?

[264] It's sort of like, oh, this person needs help and I want to help here and, oh, they're in pain and that's not fair and that's an injustice and it can be overwhelming.

[265] And so it's just permission for those of you who do have this high empathy.

[266] It's learning these boundaries, these physical boundaries and these emotional boundaries is to be able to live with it.

[267] Yeah.

[268] Well, I think also we're both Gemini's, right?

[269] We are.

[270] We are.

[271] There's got to be something there.

[272] There has to be something there.

[273] And that actually brings me to something else that was on my mind to talk to you about and to mention to you is in reading your book and seeing what you were going through at 13, you know, in rehab.

[274] And, you know, we had a different conversation.

[275] We were like, yeah, you might have known what was going on.

[276] And I read that.

[277] And I know I'm not alone in our family to read some of the stuff that you went through and to feel, like empathy, compassion, and feel like guilt and regret.

[278] Like, where were we all?

[279] Like, we, you know, and what I related to the age, I was thinking back, particularly that time and life, you know, we'd see each other at Hanukkah parties, we'd see each other at family gatherings, at Bar and Bob Mitzvahs, at weddings, you know, and when we were all younger, there was far more get -togethers.

[280] But being, like, for listeners, we are 10 years apart almost to the day.

[281] We're one week, 10 years and one week.

[282] And as you talk about so eloquently that you describe wonderfully all the decade that you grew up in, which was slightly different than mine, I was thinking, wow, like you were 13 trying to survive the OC, and I'm living in San Francisco in graduate school.

[283] And like what light year different experiences?

[284] But again, the, the older, more mature me, is like, oh, where were we all why you were struggling so much?

[285] I feel guilt because we all have to feel guilt.

[286] Yes, we do.

[287] I put that on you guys.

[288] I really didn't expect the family to read that book.

[289] And I think that's good because I would have written it differently had I known.

[290] But I feel guilt's like putting that on you guys because it's not your...

[291] Did you get other feedback?

[292] I mean, have other people people said stuff to you?

[293] Yeah, my mom was pretty upset.

[294] And now I'm like fairly, it's fairly so, you know, she didn't deserve a lot of that.

[295] It was my story to tell, but, you know, and she cleared it with me, not having read the chapters first.

[296] And then so in this new book, I'm just definitely trying to be more fair to her, which I think she deserves.

[297] Yeah, I, we were all in our own world and doing our own thing and it wasn't anyone else's responsibility to take in and your mom and my aunts, our aunts, did a lot to help me. You know, your mom, I remember one time we were going to that second Hanukkah party where we got to, everyone got a $2 bill.

[298] Uncle Mill.

[299] This was that?

[300] Uncle Mill and Aunt Shirley, yeah.

[301] And my mom, you know, I was 16, so I hated my mom And we were on our way there, just fighting as any 16 -year -old would.

[302] And I get to the door and I'm so angry and emotional that your mom came out and just sat with me for a little while and empathized with me and, you know, held my hand.

[303] So, and then grandma, I had, when my therapist talks about, do you have a positive female role model for that time, you know, or someone who cared?

[304] she just was so, so there for me. Yeah.

[305] And that, you know, that, all of it helped so much.

[306] Yeah.

[307] Yeah, so much.

[308] And since you mentioned that, and we're on video, hold on.

[309] What do we got?

[310] Well, I don't have that old picture in my mind of me and you, but here's grandma.

[311] For those of you who, I don't know if anyone's going to see this, but of grandma.

[312] So our grandma was the most amazing.

[313] I think this must have been her hundred and somethingest birthday party.

[314] yeah she uh so grandma lived to i think a month shy of 105 yeah right was it incredible and she was lived at home the entire time up until the last couple months yeah so she the the matriarch the glue and the um i know with all of us um all of us 10 cousins um is like such a important part of our heart And as we always talk about, she had that amazing ability to make everyone, like her own kids, her kids' spouse, cousins, cousin's spouse, like everyone thought they were like the most special person to her.

[315] I'm so glad Vince got to meet her.

[316] And every single time she'd see him, this is what she'd say, oh, you're so tall.

[317] Which I think he loved every single time.

[318] It was so sweet.

[319] Oh, she's still with us, always.

[320] I gave her a little bit of a New York accent there, which she didn't have.

[321] Yeah, but she had, you know, yeah, little old Russian.

[322] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[323] So the idea of reparenting, tell, tell us what this means to you and what this process has been like for you.

[324] Well, I think I've done this thing where I think about Little Georgia instead of it, because I just feel like I don't have a connection to her.

[325] her anymore in a lot of ways.

[326] And I'm like looking at her life.

[327] And, you know, everyone hates when someone talks in the third person, but for me, it's necessary.

[328] And, you know, through therapy, I've learned to, I, she treats herself like she's a horrible person and that she's not deserving of love.

[329] And I know as an adult that that is not the case.

[330] That she's smart and kind and deserving of love.

[331] And so I'm trying, and I don't even know if this is the right way to do.

[332] It's kind of like little things I picked up on through the myriad of self -help books I've read and the years and years of therapy I've had that I'm the only one now who can convince her and thus the voice that's in my head that is still from childhood.

[333] Because as you know, we learn ways to cope as children that help us to.

[334] literally survive in a, you know, not like, in a lot of ways, survive.

[335] When we get older, we don't realize that we don't need to do that anymore and that we now are safe and have authority over our lives and control over our situation.

[336] And yet we still use those tools because it's all we know.

[337] And so I'm trying to unlearn those tools and learn that I'm in control now.

[338] And part of that for me is just sitting with Little Georgia and letting her know that it's going to be okay and that she's okay and she's safe and she has everything she needs now.

[339] And even like 20 year old me who had no clue what it was going to be like at 40.

[340] And I'm always like, there's just some part of me that's always like, gosh, 13 year old Georgia would not believe it.

[341] And 25 -year -old Georgia would lose her mind if she knew what she was going to be like.

[342] Yeah.

[343] But just let it be okay and to not have shame, you know, the shame of going to rehab at 13, which isn't my shame.

[344] It's, it's, you know, it's circumstances.

[345] Right.

[346] And it was what I freaking needed.

[347] And then going that's like 13 year old, 14 year old Georgia quit.

[348] meth.

[349] Yeah.

[350] Like that is insane to me. You know, that is a feat.

[351] And so feeling pride and sadness for the fact that she had to, it's just for me the way to then, you know, push it up the line and be like, well, that was you.

[352] That was you, even though you don't feel that connection.

[353] Yeah.

[354] So it's when, when, so the reparenting happens by you becoming aware, by you becoming aware, And for our listeners, know, awareness is a huge component of our show because it's like through our awareness is where we have the most, that we have the ability and can have the most profound growth and change because we are aware of something about ourselves.

[355] So I think what you're describing is when you become aware, little Georgia, young Georgia is responding in a way or feeling or thinking away, who you are now has the opportunity to talk.

[356] to that, Georgia, in a kind, compassionate way, and in a sense, a way a kind, compassionate parent would to make it okay and to help her realize the difference between what was in the past and what's in the present, what's now.

[357] Yeah.

[358] And you know, at first, that's, yes.

[359] And at first, I think I got really angry at my parents for that.

[360] And so my mom and I have a really strained relationship for a lot of years, and I've been really angry.

[361] And that has dissipated so much when I have compassion for them and what they went through.

[362] But also, my mom and I went to a mediator.

[363] And only three sessions, and it's totally changed our relationship.

[364] What that, I think more than anything, what that taught me, you know, she learned some things that were upsetting me, but really didn't come down to like, you did this and you did that and apologize for this.

[365] what it came down to is that she was showing up.

[366] And that's a, you know, that's a really hard to do to show up to be essentially berated by your daughter, which isn't what I did.

[367] And we had an incredible mediator.

[368] So that was great.

[369] But just to take some of that anger out and that she was showing up because she wanted to love me and learn how to love me. And not a lot of, I don't think a lot of families would do that.

[370] You know, a lot of parents.

[371] wouldn't do that.

[372] So it softened me. And then recently a woman said to me that her mom told her that you never realized how much your parents loved you until you have kids.

[373] And that really hit me. And then I also felt like, well, I don't have kids and I'm not going to.

[374] So maybe I can just understand that now as an adult, you know?

[375] And I love my cats and puppy so much that maybe it's somewhat similar.

[376] You do.

[377] And my nephews.

[378] Yeah, you do.

[379] I was just saying, and you are very close with your nephews.

[380] Yes.

[381] I similarly just in all of adulthood transitions, I didn't appreciate so much fully understand where we lived, what we had, what my parents did, until I just, until I grew up.

[382] And it's almost like this right of passage.

[383] I almost like that you have this awareness of that transition from, like self as child to self as adults.

[384] It's a bizarre, like you don't get the memo.

[385] It just sort of happens sometimes.

[386] Definitely.

[387] Well, I will say that in my eyes, your parents were the pinnacle of parents and ideal, and that's what I always daydreamed of and your gorgeous house.

[388] I love that house feels so comfy and homey to me and that fish tank that I would lose my mind over Thanksgiving.

[389] Yeah, and they're still there.

[390] And I have to, yeah, I have my, I have very fortunate to have the parents that I have.

[391] And, um, yeah, and a close family.

[392] Uh, and I feel like that, that, that, that tight knit family that we had.

[393] And again, you were on the tail end as being the last cousin.

[394] I was, I'm the youngest.

[395] Yeah.

[396] The youngest cousin.

[397] 10 of 10.

[398] Um, yeah.

[399] But growing up, what I do remember is all of the family gatherings, so many of them.

[400] Like, I didn't, no life outside of family gatherings and cousins and aunts and uncles.

[401] Totally.

[402] And we were over in Orange County, so we weren't as, you know, enmeshed in it because you guys were all in L .A. But I'd look forward to them every year and feel so, I mean, you know, of course we miss it so much, but that cozy and we have it in other ways and in other homes, but that feeling of being a part of a tribe and a part of something was.

[403] Yeah.

[404] I'm sure it kept me going in a lot of ways, you know?

[405] And it's, it doesn't have to be family.

[406] That can be your chosen family, which is a phrase I learned recently, which just struck me so hard.

[407] Yeah, I think it's, obviously, I think, you know, we're pack animals.

[408] So through all your work and as you're doing this reparenting, what are some, I know you've learned a lot about yourself, What are the things that stand out to you, even if they're more recent enlightenements and awarenesses, about, like, who you are and, like, what makes you tick?

[409] There's a word that I always, that I immediately thought of that I always think of.

[410] So, like, I am a disaster daydreamer, and I, the minute Vince walks out the door, I'm catastrophizing, and I can't live without him, and if something happened.

[411] and I think, you know, I used to obsess about it and it was debilitating.

[412] And I'm waiting for the thing to happen, for the shoe to drop.

[413] I'm never appreciating what I have right now and how great things are right now because I'm waiting for that to destroy me. And so my last therapist, Kim, made me make a list of, like, my attributes.

[414] And the word that really stuck with me was tenacity.

[415] And she taught me that I've already survived a lot of those things and gotten to a really good place in them.

[416] And when those other things come as they inevitably will, maybe not the way I picture them or see them, I can survive them because I have tenacity.

[417] They won't, they'll break me and change me and I will grow and thrive despite them or because of them.

[418] right and that like has fueled me so much through the past couple years and so she took her own life a couple years ago oh no i know i don't know if that's too dark for this no but it's real it's stuck with me and because she's the one who said it has just made it mean it means so much more to me. And I am.

[419] I'm tenacious and I am a fighter.

[420] I always worry I don't stand up for myself.

[421] And last night my dad said to me, well, you stand up for yourself more than anyone I know.

[422] You're like your mom.

[423] And I was like, oh, that's how you see me?

[424] Okay.

[425] Like, if you see me that way, then maybe I am, you know?

[426] Well, and that's how, I mean, especially the, again, I would say, who you are is who you are, what you post is who you are, and you're always taking a stand for justice, right, and empowerment for women, for any marginalized individual or group.

[427] So do you not see that as assertive and tenacious, or do you see that as like, ah, I just have to do that.

[428] Like, how could you not?

[429] Yeah.

[430] Yes, exactly.

[431] I am privileged in so many ways.

[432] And that is something that I need to use.

[433] It's a superpower that I need to use for good and not evil.

[434] And it's the literal least I can do, you know?

[435] And the literal, it's literally my job as an empathetic human to try to pass that on and to ignore the mean people who think I'm an asshole for it or think I'm too political or loud.

[436] It's my duty as a human being to make sure that everyone has the same chances that I had.

[437] You know, even though some of those were screwed up, I can pass that on.

[438] Yes.

[439] The least I can do.

[440] So part of reparenting and being a healthy person is caring for oneself.

[441] And we know that for a lot of people, it takes them a long time to feel worthy of caring for oneself.

[442] And I was wondering if you could share with us, like, what are your, how do you parent yourself in a nurturing way?

[443] You know, what is your self -care?

[444] Well, I'm learning that self -care isn't taking a bubble bath.

[445] I mean, that's where it starts.

[446] Yeah, yeah.

[447] And it isn't getting a massage every couple of months anymore.

[448] Those aren't bad things.

[449] No, those are great things.

[450] and whatever yours is that's a great place to start because I think the bigger things and the bigger pictures in life are hard to do and so the first steps are so necessary.

[451] But I think mine is just, and this is such a work in progress and always will be, but not bullying myself.

[452] My default voice in my head is that, excuse my language, you're a piece of shit, you suck.

[453] You're not doing enough.

[454] Your friends hate you.

[455] they're doing you a favor by hanging out with you you know Vince is going to leave you you know it's all the negative all the negative and I and I never even noticed I thought that was good for me and fueling me to move forward and to like you know be more aware but really it was making me never joyful I never felt joy and that voice is still there and now I just respond to it with the real me, the real me who likes herself, who loves herself, who just, you know, who has come so far.

[456] And it's, it's, someday that voice will be the only one, I hope.

[457] But this, I have a mantra of, um, when that voice comes in, that negative voice of, it's okay.

[458] It's okay.

[459] Everything's fine.

[460] And slowly it becomes, shut up, you know?

[461] Right.

[462] I think, I've kind of, I've put, I've put.

[463] a face on that voice, which is the girl who bullied me horrifically in elementary school, that little brat, Amy, and pantsed me in front of my entire class.

[464] She was a terrible person, and I told her so on Facebook recently.

[465] And that's that's her.

[466] And why am I still letting her in my life?

[467] Yeah.

[468] Yeah.

[469] I escaped her.

[470] Why am I still letting her?

[471] And I think that the response of, to get away from her was the drugs and the bad behavior to show that I wasn't, that I was a badass and you couldn't hit me anymore.

[472] And I did.

[473] And so instead of punching her right in the face, which I kind of wish I had done, bullying is bad, but sometimes swift punch to the face works.

[474] Um, no, I'm sorry, I shouldn't say that.

[475] But I turned it inward.

[476] Yeah.

[477] And I'm trying to unlearn that.

[478] I'm trying to unlearn that.

[479] Yeah.

[480] And I, so it's important and everyone, what George is saying here is a lot of times when we talk about self -care, it is like bubble baths, massages, walks, yoga, mindfulness, meditation, breeding, talking to friends.

[481] I mean, these are all very important self -traditional self -care.

[482] Did you say breeding?

[483] Yeah, reading.

[484] You're big.

[485] You're big on reading, right?

[486] Oh, reading.

[487] I thought you said breeding.

[488] Oh, no, not, breeding, maybe not so much.

[489] Reading, yes.

[490] Okay.

[491] Reading.

[492] I love reading.

[493] Yeah, reading.

[494] You're a reader.

[495] but what you're talking about and like talk about reparenting and self -care is being kind and accepting to yourself caring truly caring for yourself yeah because you have you put so many you do it for so many other people if your friends talked to themselves the way you talk to them yourself or if you talk to your if someone else talked to your friend or my friend or my husband the way I talked to myself, I would go ballistic.

[496] Yeah.

[497] It's not okay.

[498] And I heard there's this other podcast I love called The Cure for Chronic Pain.

[499] And she says this is this one thing recently that really struck me, which is if you were sitting in a cafe and two women walked in and one of them were speaking to the other woman, the way you speak to yourself, you would.

[500] Yeah.

[501] How would you react?

[502] Right.

[503] It would be horrific.

[504] Mm -hmm.

[505] And so I keep picturing.

[506] that when I picture myself and it's changed.

[507] It's changed my thinking a lot.

[508] Nice.

[509] Nice.

[510] Sorry to bring up another podcast.

[511] Oh, you could bring.

[512] Again, this is what you do is you're so, you and Karen are so wonderful about supporting anyone's work that has helped you.

[513] So it's, again, great.

[514] You would love her.

[515] You should.

[516] You should have.

[517] Okay.

[518] So what?

[519] What do you want your listeners, your, you know, the murderinos, everyone listening to show, like, what do you want them to feel about themselves and to think about themselves?

[520] Like, what do you want for them?

[521] Well, the first word that comes to mind is badass because we all, we are.

[522] It's mostly women and the things that they do for each other and for the greater good are.

[523] so admirable.

[524] They do it in our name, so we get the credit.

[525] But it's, we're just the, like, we're just the gatekeepers, you know, happily.

[526] We're both, like, control freaks who love attention.

[527] But I think that the thing that I do and that I think would really help a lot of people is just to be kind to your little self, be kind to your younger self.

[528] And that, be kind to little Georgia.

[529] Yeah.

[530] And that, to me, just has taken away a lot of shame.

[531] And then you feel shame and guilt because you treat her badly and you're mean to her.

[532] And so it's just this ugly cycle.

[533] Self perpetuating.

[534] Yeah.

[535] And so just to pull that circle and unwind that circle and just treat yourself, you would never say the things you say to yourself to a little kid.

[536] Never.

[537] Can you imagine?

[538] Never.

[539] My little nephew Joe being like, God, you suck at that.

[540] You're terrible.

[541] You're a loser.

[542] You'll never, blah, blah.

[543] Yeah.

[544] Just picture that and picture little you.

[545] And what would you actually say to her?

[546] Yeah.

[547] Or him.

[548] What would you say to them?

[549] Yeah.

[550] I'd say, it's okay.

[551] You're going to be okay.

[552] You deserve empathy.

[553] You deserve to be paid attention to.

[554] And just to keep that in.

[555] your mind over and over again.

[556] For everyone who can't see George's face, which I can't, when you said that, no, no, when you said that, like, there's such, there's such joy expression on your face when you get into that place, right?

[557] That realization of like, gosh, like, this is how I should treat myself, right?

[558] And you all should treat yourselves.

[559] It doesn't make you a bad person to put.

[560] yourself first.

[561] It's the only way to truly help other people and truly show up for them.

[562] Yes.

[563] You know, I always felt selfish for that thing and it's, it's not that.

[564] No. No, it's not selfish.

[565] And again, it's actually key to a premise of the show, which is to raise healthy people, to raise the next generation with health, we have to be healthy ourselves and focus on our own health, self -care, and life, live life to the fullest, because that's how we raise health.

[566] They see us, we're better able to show up for them.

[567] They see someone who likes themselves instead of putting themselves down and feels less than, and that all emanates and is transmitted to kids.

[568] That's so true.

[569] And I love the opening lines of your podcast.

[570] It's so true.

[571] it's the only way to show up.

[572] So Georgia, it's time.

[573] It's time.

[574] I want to keep going, but it's time for the parent footprint moment question.

[575] Okay.

[576] All right.

[577] Here we go.

[578] So tell us about a time that you became aware of yourself as an individual, had an awareness or an awareness about your parents or an awareness of yourself as that great auntie.

[579] And that new awareness had a positive impact on yourself, those you love, and those around you.

[580] You know, I had an eating disorder for a long time.

[581] And then I met a guy who I ended up being with for five years, who was a really great person, and he was a dad to a 10 -year -old daughter who became part of my life.

[582] And I realized that, she was going to watch me eat and watch me deal with food and watch me, you know, do I get disgusted by food and can't eat it and it's not allowed?

[583] Or do I show her how women eat and how women care about their bodies?

[584] And so I chose that and I've never gone back to 107 pounds.

[585] You know, and I've learned to love that I'm a woman.

[586] I see my mom's body in my body, and she detested her body my whole life.

[587] And it just is a woman.

[588] That's how women look, and I'm okay with that.

[589] And so Audrey was her name, and it's just showing up for her the way I'd wish that I had been showed.

[590] And that's media.

[591] That's not my mom.

[592] That's media.

[593] That's the way things were.

[594] really changed and showed me that I was an adult who had an impact on younger people and that I had an obligation and an opportunity to change the patterns that I had been living in for so long.

[595] Wow.

[596] Awesome.

[597] Is that real quick.

[598] Is that what you mean?

[599] Is that what you?

[600] Yeah.

[601] Yeah.

[602] That is awesome because at that age, I mean, you know, you talk about like that is that looking outside of yourself to see the impact that you would have on someone else.

[603] And with that awareness, change a behavior that and an action that not only is healthy for you, but healthy for that other.

[604] Yeah.

[605] Yeah.

[606] That's awesome.

[607] Thank you for sharing that.

[608] Thank you.

[609] Okay.

[610] So as we conclude here, tell everyone, what what what should everyone look for from my favorite murder from exactly right exactly right media oh my god what a joy the fact that we get to work together and now at Hanukas i get to be like what's up we're co -workers it's just like it's so rad i want to put the photo up of it's you me and lee as little i was little weird little kids and like look at those podcasters who knew um yeah so we just have a ton of wonderful beautiful podcast coming up and obviously yours.

[611] And Jesus, what a life.

[612] What a freaking, what a life.

[613] Who to thunk it?

[614] Gratitude.

[615] Gratitude.

[616] And you do the exactly right team is an amazing group of people.

[617] That's been our experience.

[618] Thank you.

[619] It's just fun and meaningful.

[620] Thank you.

[621] Welcome to the family.

[622] Thank you.

[623] We have great parties.

[624] Thank you.

[625] What's the pandemic's over?

[626] Glad to be part of it.

[627] And for the pandemic to be over, we see light at the end of this tunnel.

[628] oh my god thank you georgia it's great conversation hopefully the first of many and thank you dr dan appreciate all that you do that karen does thank you exactly right media for welcoming us to the family and for those of you listening tell others about this episode i'm sure you're going to want to share it uh let's get the word out about mental health about wellness about healing about being human about reparenting ourselves it's like it's never ever ever too late to have the life you want to have it takes courage and you have yeah oh i'm sorry no go ahead no no no you were doing you were good great no just that it's never too late to to do it it takes courage as you're talking about it you got to dig deep it takes courage you need support but it's it's there for you yeah and you have how many hundreds of yeah a little over 100 110 150 Yeah, we'll have all those up there.

[629] So it's just what you're doing is beautiful.

[630] And I'm proud to be your cousin.

[631] Oh, it's feeling is mutual.

[632] Thank you, Georgia.

[633] Thanks.

[634] All right, everyone.

[635] That concludes the show.

[636] And you know what I'm going to say to you as we leave today.

[637] Think about the guiding question.

[638] I ask myself every day, what footprint do you want to leave?

[639] This has been a Peters and Rossi production.

[640] Parent Footprint with Dr. Dan is produced by Laura Rossi.

[641] Our engineer is Phil Rossi.

[642] Theme music is Strummerman, composed and performed by ProTunes.

[643] Artwork is by Garrett Ross.

[644] Follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Parent Footprint Podcast and on Twitter at Dr. Dan Peters.

[645] If you are an advertiser interested in advertising on our show, go to midroll .com forward slash ads.

[646] For more information, exactly right media .com.

[647] Listen, subscribe, and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts.