David Sedaris

[0] Hi, my name is David Sedaris, and I feel apprehensive about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Hey, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[4] This is the show where I pretty much get to talk to people I've always wanted to talk to, maybe fish to see if they would possibly become my friend.

[5] It's kind of a dream come true job.

[6] I love talking to people, but this is a chance for me to do it in a form that I just really love.

[7] And, of course, it's not just me. I'm aided in my quest by my trusty assistant, Sona Mold.

[8] of Sessian.

[9] Hi.

[10] But you're not, you're not, you're not a hostage.

[11] I know.

[12] You're here of your own free will.

[13] But you didn't say hi, so I was, I wasn't sure if I should jump in and say hi first.

[14] I'm sorry.

[15] That was so bad.

[16] Isn't this kind of a dream gig for me?

[17] I will say that.

[18] It is.

[19] I love to talk to people in depth, and all joking aside, this is lovely.

[20] It's really fun to talk to them for a long time, and everyone I'm talking to, these are people that, But maybe I've interviewed them before, but for five, six minutes and then I've thrown to a commercial, you know, for Viagra.

[21] Here I get to talk for 45 minutes and then throw to a commercial for meyundies.

[22] I'm also helped out by my trustee producer Matt Goreley.

[23] Hey, Matt.

[24] Hi, I am very excited about this episode today.

[25] Yeah, this is an exciting one.

[26] We've talked to a lot of incredible people so far.

[27] This gentleman, his brain intimidates me. He's such a. brilliant writer and raconteur.

[28] I have so much admiration for him.

[29] When I heard that he was willing to come on the podcast, I was elated.

[30] And I was excited coming today.

[31] I won't draw down any further.

[32] Today's guest is David Sedaris.

[33] You probably are a little apprehensive about being my friend.

[34] I mean, I would be apprehensive about, feel apprehensive about being anyone's friend.

[35] So it's not just specific to me. well anyone but you a little bit more more than anyone I'm just not sure there's a payback you don't think that there'd be any benefit to you well you know to tell you the truth you know like my boyfriend he will say why are you friends with that person that person's just a mess I don't maybe that's a compliment to you because I don't think you're a big enough mess I would you like to weigh in this is my assistant of 10 years go ahead he's a big enough mess I think you guys would get along great.

[36] Are you a cheap person?

[37] No, I'm not a cheap person.

[38] I'm very generous.

[39] You're taking notes as we write, and that's worrying me. Well, no, I was just taking notes because I love stories about cheap people.

[40] Cheap people.

[41] And I went to, is this okay if I just interrupt to tell you this story?

[42] That's the whole point.

[43] I was at a dinner party in England, and I met a guy, and he's a cancer surgeon, and he specializes in colon cancer.

[44] So we operated on this guy and the guy was in remission for five years and then he said you've been in remission for five years you were thought to be cured congratulations your cord of cancer and the guy said oh doctor my wife and I would love to take you and your wife out to dinner to thank you so they went to this restaurant and the bill came and the patient looked at the bill and looked at the doctor and looked at the bill and looked at the doctor and said and the doctor said should we split the bill and the guy said that'd be great oh no that's fantastic That is fantastic.

[45] He cured him of cancer.

[46] Yes.

[47] And I'm sure, too, the doctor would have just as soon stayed home.

[48] He didn't necessarily want to go to dinner.

[49] He's not that desperate for even...

[50] It's fantastic.

[51] I live for stories like that.

[52] Okay, I would provide you no stories of cheapness.

[53] I don't think I would not...

[54] I don't think about money that way.

[55] And I would much rather err on the side of take care of everybody.

[56] It all gets sorted out several lives from now.

[57] It doesn't have to be you.

[58] If you know some cheap people and you can just talk about that, then that would make me happy.

[59] I know a lot of cheap people.

[60] I know a lot of cheap people.

[61] And I think, but I did want to say, in all sincerity, I've always, always loved your writing and considered you to be one of the funniest writers in our language.

[62] I've also been intrigued that there might be some similarities between us.

[63] For example, I do come.

[64] I'm one of six kids.

[65] I'm just curious, do you think birth order has anything to do with how much craziness you were exposed to or how you were able to use it for your work versus any of your brothers or sisters?

[66] I think birth order, you know, when I hear people say, oh, my God, I'm an Ares and that's why I don't believe in that for a second.

[67] But I think birth order, yeah, has a lot to do with.

[68] Where are you in the order?

[69] I'm the second to the oldest.

[70] I don't know what that's really supposed to mean.

[71] I mean, like my brother's 11 years younger than me. So I know that the way that he grew up, all the rules that we had were just gone by the time he came around.

[72] I mean, we weren't allowed to say, shut up to our parents.

[73] And he could say, fuck you to my parents.

[74] Yes, he grew up in a completely different house.

[75] I am the third of six.

[76] I once said I'm the middle of six in an interview.

[77] And the actor time, Tony Randall, cut it and said, how can you be the middle of six, which, you know, he's right.

[78] If you're looking at it as a math problem, you know, three is not a...

[79] I guess middle of seven is easier to be.

[80] Yeah.

[81] So I've always been angry at him since and did not mourn his passing as a result of that savage quip.

[82] Let's dance on his grave.

[83] Oh, trust me, no one hates like I do.

[84] And I know that would entertain you.

[85] I'm a good hater.

[86] But I've always thought that my parents, by the...

[87] the time I came along and I was the third and we were literally born.

[88] I think my mom had a child once every eight months for a while there.

[89] And I've always felt like there was a little bit of a buffer.

[90] Do you know what I mean?

[91] That I wasn't getting the full dose of their attention and that in some ways that created a different situation for me or different possibilities.

[92] Do you know what I mean?

[93] So I do think in my sense, birth order was like a big deal.

[94] Well, because don't you feel like most people in show business, just there's no amount of love that's enough for them, and they still go out trawling for more, right?

[95] You just described what I've been doing the last couple of months perfectly, because I have a television show, but I went out on a tour and started a podcast, and it really does start to seem like, what is it you didn't get, Conan, when you were a kid, that we all have to pay for now.

[96] you know why are you inflicting this on because it does feel that way sometimes like I have nine ventures at the moment and it's almost like I'm trying to fix something that happened in 1968 well I used to divide the world into two groups those who pay people to listen to their problems and those who make people pay to listen to their problems and so now I but now I separate it into people who have had camera put up their penis and people had a camera put up their penis.

[97] Let's explore that area for a second, specifically the penis.

[98] I don't think we were rolling when you discussed that.

[99] You had a procedure?

[100] Is that correct?

[101] Yeah.

[102] You know what?

[103] Classic urinary tract infection.

[104] I've never had one before.

[105] But I talked to some people and it was like when I was, when I, it was like peeing on an electric fence, right?

[106] And then I started peeing blood.

[107] And so I went to a doctor and I said, I think I have a urinary tract infection.

[108] And when you're young, then they say, here, take these antibiotics.

[109] And you're not young.

[110] And apparently I'm not young anymore.

[111] They say, well, it could be cancer.

[112] Let's run some tests.

[113] And so they ran a number of tests.

[114] And they put a Golden Globe Award up my ass.

[115] And then they snaked a camera down my penis.

[116] Whose Golden Globe Award was it?

[117] You know what?

[118] My eyes were screwed shut.

[119] I saw the Golden Globe Award and then I just kept my eyes shut.

[120] And I never saw the wire.

[121] You're lucky it's not a Latin Grammy because those can tear.

[122] I never saw the wire.

[123] They put up my penis because I couldn't bear to look at it.

[124] And then it was on a television screen.

[125] And then the doctor was Scottish.

[126] And he said, look at the screen.

[127] And I didn't want to.

[128] And, okay, I know my Scottish accent is bad.

[129] He said, oh, there's your sphincter.

[130] That's pretty good.

[131] He made me look at my sphincter up.

[132] You know what he surprises me a little bit is that he's a professional.

[133] He does this several times a day and his reaction after his 400th time of putting a massive award up someone's ass that he would still go, ah, that is your sphincter.

[134] Like he's seeing a comet when that should be the most common sight to him in the world.

[135] A comet.

[136] Yeah.

[137] I feel.

[138] Like, my insides are inside for a reason, and I never want to see them.

[139] You know, it's like when you go for a colonoscopy and they say, you want to stay awake and watch?

[140] No. The happiest I've been in my life, and this is not a joke, and I've had some moments of pure bliss in my life, the happiest I've been is when they administered the twilight drug to me so that I could have a colonoscopy.

[141] When that was over, I've now had, I think something like 40 colonoscopies.

[142] I don't even, I say don't even put, don't even use a camera anymore.

[143] I understand drug addiction now because that drug, I'm a very self -conscious person.

[144] I'm tough on myself and I'm constantly hyper -aware and anxious.

[145] I've never been in more of a state of religious bliss than I was during my colonoscopy because of that drug.

[146] I believe it was prophy fall.

[147] Yeah.

[148] And I, and it has a long tail that drug.

[149] So I was like a religious figure afterwards.

[150] I was like a Buddha.

[151] I was walking around shaking, I was walking the streets of New York, and I was shaking people's hands and asking them how they are.

[152] It was all because of the tail end of this drug.

[153] It was a beautiful experience.

[154] And I look forward to my next colonoscopy because of prophylophol.

[155] You know, that was my experience exactly.

[156] And people, and I dreaded it, dreaded it, dreaded it.

[157] Doctors call that drug milk of amnesia, That's what they call a profile.

[158] But I woke up on a cloud of love.

[159] Yes, yes.

[160] And I understood drug addiction perfectly.

[161] Yes.

[162] That's what Michael Jackson used to sleep.

[163] Understand it completely.

[164] Oh, no, no. Once I had that drug, I mean, not that I didn't have sympathy for Michael Jackson before I did, but I understood that if it was possible for me to regularly get that drug, it would be a problem.

[165] Wouldn't it be so fun, too, to do it with other people?

[166] I mean because I woke up on the cloud of love but nobody else was on the cloud with me but to be on the cloud with other people would just be such a beautiful experience I think I will anytime you want I will get a dual colonoscopy with you we will get on side by side tables we will each get pro for fall and then we will record what we say for the podcast you know what I gotta say that is absolutely lovely idea and I will guess what I will pay for half of it Well, somebody who's never had a colonoscopy would probably think, well, that would be just too embarrassing because they said, you know, when you come out of it, the doctor is going to want you to pass gas.

[167] They're not going to let you leave until you do it.

[168] And I thought, well, then there's no way I'm ever going to do that.

[169] I mean, with my boyfriend 30 years.

[170] I've never done that in front of him.

[171] No, I can't do it.

[172] But you're on the love cloud and they ask you to do it and you do it and you're happy to do it.

[173] imagine you living in a world where you're not self -conscious about passing gas and in fact you're happy to do it on command well you know maybe you did the same thing I went to everybody after I had my colonoscopy and I said you've got to have one of these things I said yeah fantastic but in in England because I told people in England you got to get it done they don't give you that drug really England where they could probably no country is probably more in need if it's populace getting colonoscopies because I mean, I'm sorry, but they're eating giant roasts of beef constantly.

[174] No nation in the world more desperately needs colonoscopies than the United Kingdom.

[175] And they get nothing.

[176] I don't know what...

[177] They probably give them a pint, you know, like their version of prophylphal is probably two pints of lager, right?

[178] Well, after this, my doctor told me he was going to use anathlethyl.

[179] anesthetic when he put the thing on penis and then he said oh it's a cream those don't work creams don't work no and then he said oh go have yourself a genitonic that's what he said afterwards no to have the genitone would be before yes they do that not after yeah and i don't drink i'm shocked that none of this conversation has gone the way i thought it would go there were so many things to talk about and uh i was really going to bring my a game because, you know, you are this incredible author, it's David Sedaris, and we have spent, I don't have a clock on this thing, but I'm going to say 17, almost 18 minutes on Scottish sphincters, penile creams, internal organs, passing gas.

[180] This is either the best podcast I've ever done, or it will never be heard.

[181] But you know, I've got to say, when I came into this, I thought, well, you know, when you think about it realistically, I don't know that Conan and I would be friends.

[182] But the more we talk, the more I see that we have in common.

[183] A desperate need for drugs.

[184] What you said about your colonoscopy was exactly what I say about it.

[185] Oh, I'm going to say something else that I'm curious if you can relate to this.

[186] You have a fan base that is massive.

[187] They love you.

[188] And it's very interesting to me because what I can relate to is I know that you don't read anything about yourself.

[189] No. I don't read anything.

[190] And also, I don't know, like in terms of, I was looking one time on a website and there was something about this screenwriter.

[191] And I don't know why people don't like this screenwriter.

[192] I don't understand why.

[193] I think her movies are charming.

[194] But people have always dumped on her.

[195] So people are saying awful things about her.

[196] And this guy named Unicorn Dog, somebody said, oh, I'd like to beat her up or something.

[197] And Unicorn Dog wrote, my feelings exactly, that's how I feel about David Sedaris only more so.

[198] And I thought, what did I do to Unicorn Dog?

[199] And this was like eight years ago, and I think about it all the time.

[200] I think, what did I do to Unicorn Dog?

[201] I hate the thought that there's somebody out there who hates me so much.

[202] And I don't even.

[203] Right.

[204] It's not like I can call him up or write him and say, what did I do to you, unicorn dogs?

[205] You know, I left my very first comment on a website, and I left my complete full name.

[206] And it wasn't a criticism of anybody.

[207] Somebody said, what is this guy wearing?

[208] And it's like a detachable come -degarsong collar from a couple seasons ago.

[209] But I didn't realize when I did it, like they gave me the option of coming up with a coat.

[210] name and I thought that seems cowardly to me well I've had guests tell me that they'll they'll come on the show and then they'll come on the show the next time I remembered someone specifically and I'll say it actually it was Gary Shanling and in the commercial break he told me oh I was really upset about some of the comments about my last about my last appearance some people said some mean things and I said to him and the band's playing in the background and it's supposed to be just all fun show business and it's he looked really upset and i said gary why would you ever go on the internet and examine all the comments i would it's the last thing in the world i would ever do because if someone as brilliant as gary shanling can get his feelings hurt by an anonymous person saying i didn't like the shirt he was wearing or i used to like him but now i don't or whatever He shouldn't be exposed to that.

[211] It seems absurd that Gary Shandling would be taken down in any way by a random comment by a guy we don't know who this person is.

[212] Now, Unicorn Dog, I happen to know, is a very fair critic.

[213] And a big fan of mine, by the way.

[214] Huge fan.

[215] And I think has an unerring eye for talent.

[216] So, but no, I guess one of the questions I wanted to explore with you was Your popularity, has it been at all tricky for you?

[217] Well, like, I'm on this little tiny lecture tour right now.

[218] Usually I'll go to like 40 cities and 40 days, and I do it twice a year, right?

[219] But I've just been to like, I don't know, eight cities on this little trip.

[220] And so I like to sign books before the show and after.

[221] And before it gives you an idea of who's in the audience.

[222] So then if someone meets you before a show, they're on your side.

[223] You know, I mean, if you have a nice encounter, and then if something doesn't work, they'll say, well, I know him, and I, plus it makes me excited because I meet somebody and I think, oh, she's in the audience.

[224] And I like it.

[225] And I'd like meeting people that way.

[226] Because I'm not so good at having friends, we can be friends for two minutes.

[227] But if I don't say anything, then you're going to come up and you're going to say, I read your first book when, and you don't, I don't want that's just making me uncomfortable.

[228] And so I'll say, I'll just ask you a question.

[229] Yep.

[230] Right?

[231] Like, did anyone call you a whore today?

[232] Or something.

[233] Always a good icebreaker.

[234] Always the way to start.

[235] So we can just have a little conversation that you didn't expect to have.

[236] Yeah.

[237] But no, I mean, I wonder what people are doing there.

[238] You know, I look at people sometimes, I look at the audience and I think, what are you doing here?

[239] Why did you come and see me?

[240] But I don't, I don't.

[241] I don't.

[242] I don't.

[243] I don't.

[244] I don't.

[245] I I don't feel guilty that they came to see me. I'm just, you know what?

[246] This sounds corny, but I'm like really grateful.

[247] Yeah.

[248] And - Grateful, I completely understand gratitude.

[249] I completely understand that feeling of, I can't believe this is happening and that I'm getting to do this.

[250] But I thought it would wear off, but it never did.

[251] No, I think that's a blessing that it hasn't worn off.

[252] Hasn't worn off for me, and I just say, I make it almost a mantra of mine.

[253] I get to do this.

[254] I don't have to do it.

[255] I get to do it.

[256] Well, you know, like in terms of comments, which I would never read, if someone leaves during a show, I think, oh, it's a doctor on call.

[257] And then if a bunch of people leave, I think, there's a school bus accident.

[258] You know, like 10 o 'clock at night at the school bus accident.

[259] But even that devastates me if I see somebody leave.

[260] And then sometimes the door will open, and I think, oh, they just went to the bathroom when they're back again they don't realize that that gets to you they have no idea because they see you as someone who is untouchable in a way they don't see you as a vulnerable person maybe that's i mean sometimes people get a book signed and they'll say um i invited all my friends to come and none of them knew who you were and i always say like why would you oh my god i don't expect your friends to know i want to say my friends to know you are either but yeah but you know what's what's interesting and maybe you've had this experience, I've found that, and this happens a lot, someone will come up to me and they'll start to say something really nice.

[261] And I say, well, thank you very much.

[262] That means a lot to me, thank you.

[263] And then they go, yeah, and they're standing there and they keep talking and I know that it's coming.

[264] And then they go, you know, I got to say, when you first came on the air, there was two years there where I really hated you and all my friends did too.

[265] But you kind of won me over.

[266] And that completely undoes the thing that they told you in the first place.

[267] You've probably been there for some of these, right, Sona?

[268] Yes, I have.

[269] I hear it and I cringe.

[270] I see it coming.

[271] But also, it doesn't take much to get to you.

[272] No. Either.

[273] I mean, they could be saying things with all the best intentions, but there's a level of sensitivity that is not great.

[274] Yes, Sona's always shocked that these things get to me so much.

[275] But sometimes it's magical.

[276] We just did a sort of a stander.

[277] up tour with a bunch of other comedians.

[278] And at the end, I would do question and answer, which I'm sure you do as well.

[279] And I really love that.

[280] I really love Q &A.

[281] It's fun.

[282] And at one point I'm down in the audience with a microphone talking to people.

[283] And do you remember this?

[284] It was a, this woman.

[285] This woman just came, she marched right down the aisle, and she marched right up to me. And I have my holding my microphone.

[286] And it was this very sweet -looking African -American woman, probably maybe 35 years old and she just walked right down the aisle right up to me and I've got my microphone and I said yes and you have a question and she said I'm just trying to leave this is in front of everybody and the place went crazy they love you know and of course I I just said I just went for it and said trying to leave and she said it's not it's not you the shows I love the show I just my Uber's outside and I really have to go.

[287] And I said, you realize, and then I pointed out the 45 different ways you can leave the theater without coming right down the one aisle that I'm standing and squeezing around me. But it made for, to me, the magic was she just did the worst thing that could happen to me and it was the funniest moment of the night.

[288] But when you said earlier that people would say, oh, I love your show, but for years I didn't love it or you know my sister can't stand you i think don't you think sometimes it's like people they're wanting to be real you know i was just thinking about this the other day there's this old friend of mine and i went to high school with and so sometimes i go to her town and she'll come to a show and we'll get together for coffee or something beforehand and she said to me three times well you know you're no shakespeare and i never i never say to her you said that the last time we were together but it's not like i said don't i seem like i could have written 12th night Like, and I'm not, I never said, like, though, did you read my book?

[289] It comes out of nowhere.

[290] Well, you know, you're no Shakespeare.

[291] Or what people say is, oh, I stopped reading the New Yorker 25 years ago.

[292] There's nothing in the New Yorker worth reading anymore.

[293] And again, you just sort of, I always want to say, did that feel as good as you thought it was going to feel?

[294] Yeah.

[295] Because however good, it doesn't feel as good as being in the New Yorker.

[296] Yeah.

[297] It's great.

[298] It's great.

[299] It's time for this segment.

[300] Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[301] You know, it makes me crazy.

[302] I buy this beach house, my wife and I, and I never get there.

[303] And I've got this big mortgage I've got to pay down.

[304] And I'm not there.

[305] And all my people that I know in my life are using it.

[306] Yeah.

[307] I don't get to use it.

[308] And all I know is that they don't have to pay the mortgage.

[309] They're there all the time, sunning themselves, I mean, a good, Tim Oliphant was just there with his wife.

[310] Had a great time.

[311] Sent me all these pictures of the wonderful time he's having at my beach house.

[312] So I sent him a picture of the giant mortgage statement that I have to pay.

[313] Yeah.

[314] He didn't respond.

[315] Anyway, I got to pay down that mortgage.

[316] Got to do it now.

[317] Let's get to work.

[318] I saw a friend yesterday and he, this guy is, I don't want to make him self -conscious, but I always pull out my notebook when I'm, around him because he says things like, oh my God, that's so true or that's so funny.

[319] When you've written, I think you've filled six notebooks since you've been talking to me. Well, I'm really feeling like we could be friends.

[320] Who do you know who has nine, eight castrated rams and one that's not castrated?

[321] Me. You didn't have to say me at the end.

[322] Do you realize how unnecessary that was?

[323] Guess what?

[324] Let me tell you something, David.

[325] Guess who has?

[326] Six Les Paul guitar is all made of Gouda cheese.

[327] Guess what?

[328] Me!

[329] Wait, so you have Rams and one is castrated?

[330] No, you lost me. One is uncastrated, and all the others are castrated.

[331] A castrated ram is called a, it's called a weather.

[332] Okay.

[333] So I have eight weathers and a ram.

[334] Why did you leave one?

[335] How did you choose which one would go uncastrated?

[336] A farmer where we live, he was looking for a pasture to put his sheep in, and we said, we've got a pasture in our backyard.

[337] And he came and he said, if you fix his fence up a little bit, it would be perfect.

[338] And so he moved them into our backyard, and they're chocolate colored, and they're fantastic.

[339] Were you there when they were castrated?

[340] No, but don't you think it's like, I'm always so fascinated by these men who feel like their lives would be so much better if only they could have their foreskin back?

[341] You know, like people who are really angry about being circumcised.

[342] Wait a minute.

[343] I don't think I've met anybody who wants their foreskin back.

[344] Is that a real thing?

[345] Yeah, it's a real thing.

[346] Men who feel really angry and cheated that they were circumcised.

[347] Good God.

[348] People will complain about anything.

[349] Well, people feel pretty strongly about it.

[350] And I was signing a book the other day and I said to this woman, she just did a baby boy.

[351] And I said, is he circumcised?

[352] And she said, I don't believe he was born with anything he didn't.

[353] need.

[354] And I'm thinking like, I don't know, I just umbilical cord?

[355] That's a really good Write it down.

[356] I wish I thought of that when she said it.

[357] It's the first thing they rip off of you.

[358] You don't need this anymore.

[359] Because what I was thinking was okay, your son's going to grow up.

[360] Yeah.

[361] And he's going to take his pants off.

[362] He's going to be with somebody.

[363] He's going to go home with somebody.

[364] Yeah.

[365] And he's going to take his pants and underpants off.

[366] The look on that person's face, is what should be in your mind when you circumcise your son.

[367] Right.

[368] You know, I asked people this a couple of years ago, and I thought it was really good question.

[369] I was on tour, and I did a poll, do you think Barack Obama is circumcised or uncircised?

[370] And I feel like most women went with the last penis they saw.

[371] That's fascinating.

[372] But it's a really good question.

[373] What is the tradition in Kenya?

[374] I'm just curious.

[375] We see.

[376] But if he had a dad who was African, right?

[377] then how does that affect, you know, the time he was born, it was common to circumcise all boys in the United States when they were born.

[378] And now it's less common.

[379] Yeah.

[380] You know, and it's fascinating to me. I didn't know that there were people who were angry about that, and I'm guessing it's because a decision was made when they weren't conscious of it.

[381] You know, that it's almost like, how dare anyone make that decision for me?

[382] But I don't think you want to be getting circumcised when you're 19 years old.

[383] I would imagine that would be incredibly painful and to have everyone gather for the bris if you're Jewish and you're 19 years old and you've decided I want this done and you have to have it done in front of 600 people in a synagogue.

[384] My favorite joke that I love to do at a bris is to say at the party afterwards my God this calamari is fantastic and then say we're not serving calamari.

[385] I've done that at so many brises Man, this calamari is fantastic.

[386] Sir, we're not serving calamari.

[387] And then I go, ooh.

[388] I got to write down another one.

[389] This is fantastic.

[390] If you use these, I, please, they're all yours.

[391] These are just gems falling from me. You know what I do want to ask you about that, and I think about it a lot when I read your work, you are so honest and you are so honest about your family.

[392] and I think that's interesting because you have to walk a line of telling the truth but maybe also not betraying anybody or do you not feel that that's a risk?

[393] How do you handle that?

[394] It's usually a question of leaving things out.

[395] And sometimes if you could put those things in, it would make more sense because somebody would say people don't act like that.

[396] But if you said, oh, they're an alcoholic, then they would think, yeah, that's how alcoholics act.

[397] But you can't say that, so you leave it out.

[398] But you're right, it is a fine line.

[399] I feel like people who are new to writing, what they'll do is they'll flatter somebody and then so then they can say something bad later in the story.

[400] But the New York Times from my last book, they said, I was talking to this woman, this journalist, and she said, you said some pretty rough things about your dad and the book.

[401] she said, did he read it?

[402] And I said, he's 95.

[403] I thought he'd be dead by the time the book came out.

[404] And so it's true.

[405] I didn't see the need.

[406] Is this Calypso?

[407] Yeah.

[408] I didn't see the need to trouble him with that stuff.

[409] But, you know, I thought, I read Calypso, and I thought you were very sweet about your dad.

[410] And I honestly didn't, I mean, yes, you talk about some of the experiences you had with your dad growing up.

[411] I think the nicest thing about Calypso that's something I can relate to is the book keeps coming back to the fact that you bought this beach house in North Carolina and you want your family with you and you want all of you guys to be together.

[412] And it's this, I understand that feeling.

[413] You want to gather everyone together and especially in light of losing your sister, you want everyone together.

[414] I think it was very generous.

[415] There's like a real generosity of spirit in that act to me. Well, I, you know, when my mother died, she was kind of the one that got everybody together.

[416] And then when she died, it had been years since we'd all got, we all gathered together.

[417] And so I got this beach house.

[418] And then we started getting together twice a year.

[419] And it's been, it's true, I can't think of anybody I'd rather.

[420] It's where we went when we were children.

[421] So it's kind of weird to be there now, except we're old and so you spend a lot of the time thinking how did that happen how did we get to be this old but uh i don't know i i feel like whenever my family's all together at the beach i always walk away with a story of some kind and it's never it's not never anything big that happens it's just just exactly the kind of story that comes from being around your family and And I'm always surprised when people come up and say, I can't believe your family's still talking to you after the things.

[422] But I think my affection toward them is evident.

[423] Yes.

[424] But I would never say.

[425] It's very evident.

[426] Yeah.

[427] But I wouldn't say, I love them so much.

[428] I never believe.

[429] I think it's written in there that I love them, but I would never say it.

[430] And so I think a lot of people, if they don't see those words, I love them so much, then they think you don't love them.

[431] Well, the fact that you and Hugh have all these people in this house and you're all together, that's in itself, that's a big undertaking to have family under your roof and probably not always easy.

[432] But I like that you seem to have this instinct as a writer and I think as a person to pull all the hot coals right next to each other and see what happens.

[433] Well, that's a nice way to put it.

[434] Write it down.

[435] God damn.

[436] Put the hot, and you know what we just did.

[437] Can you just call the next book Conan for God's sake?

[438] We just bought the house next to our house Because people buy these houses And tear them down and build these McMansions And put pools in And then all you hear is Marco Polo Marco Polo all the time But the houses all have like pun names Yeah, yeah Yes, yours is C -section, right?

[439] We changed it to the C -section But then we bought the house next door And we're going to call that Either the Amniotic Shack or Canker Shores I vote for Canker Shores.

[440] But then there's a house further up near Okacoat called, You didn't get this, bitch.

[441] That's fantastic.

[442] I absolutely love that.

[443] When I go through your work and when I've enjoyed your work in the past, I've always thought, I really do feel this kinship with David Zadaris, and I do think that there was a lot of similarities here, and then occasionally I'll hit something where I think, oh God, no, he's completely, completely unlike me. I would never do that.

[444] For example, in Calypso, you have this obsession with having a benign tumor removed and then you want to feed it to a snapping turtle.

[445] Isn't that correct?

[446] Yeah.

[447] Now, don't just say yeah, like, and?

[448] No, I always thought.

[449] Don't act, you just gave me this face of, you just gave me this face of, and your point is, as if I said, yeah, sometimes I get hungry and I go through a drive -thru window.

[450] What's your problem?

[451] I always thought that if you had your time, tonsils removed.

[452] Your cat would want to eat your tonsils.

[453] If you put your tonsils in a cat's bowl, your cat would eat them.

[454] And so I had this tumor and I, and there was a snapping turtle.

[455] I was going to feed regularly near our beach house.

[456] And I thought, I'm going to feed my tumor to the snapping turtle.

[457] I bet he'd like it.

[458] And the doctor said, I'll cut it out of you, but you can't have it.

[459] It's against the law for me to give you anything that I've got out of you.

[460] So I was complaining about that on stage one night and this woman came up and said, I'll cut it out of you and I'll let you keep it.

[461] She said, I'm a doctor.

[462] I'm not a surgeon.

[463] By the way, I read the story and this is unbelievable to me. Please proceed.

[464] She said, I'm a doctor.

[465] I'm not a surgeon.

[466] And I said, well, that's good enough.

[467] And she cut it out of me and she shipped it on ice to North Carolina.

[468] And I fed it to a snapping turtle.

[469] Who loved it.

[470] Yeah.

[471] Okay.

[472] This isn't something anybody does.

[473] First of all, you let someone perform surgery on you who may not be qualified.

[474] Certainly has no access to the drug profofall.

[475] You let this person cut this tumor out of you, then sew you up, as I think I recall in the story.

[476] Then it shipped to North Carolina.

[477] You couldn't find the turtle for a while, so you kept the tumor in the freezer.

[478] That, I was with you with, if someone removed something from my body, and I did have my appendix removed, I had an emergency appendectomy, I think, when I was in the sixth grade, and I remembered asking them if I could have the appendix.

[479] so I'm with you up to that point but I didn't want to feed it to a turtle that crosses a line with me I was willing to eat it myself to re -indest my own proteins which I think is vastly more normal than your weird compulsion to feed it to a turtle but you kept it in the freezer does that mean that people were opening the freezer and saying oh what's that can I put that on my ice cream and you were like no no no no that's my benign tumor Well, it had David's tumor written on it.

[480] So I think they knew what it was.

[481] So now we're at the level of a college refrigerator.

[482] This is Conan's yogurt and that's David's tumor.

[483] But I think, like if I lived in Florida, okay.

[484] Which is very likely.

[485] I think it would almost be worth it to have a baby so you could throw the placenta to a gator.

[486] An alligator would love placenta.

[487] Yeah.

[488] So worth it to have the baby?

[489] meaning then fathering this, being a mentor to this child and taking care of it.

[490] I put it up for adoption.

[491] I just do it so I could throw their placenta to an alligator.

[492] I was excited to come in this morning and get the opportunity to talk to you.

[493] And I have a lot of gratitude for that because I'm an enormous fan of your mind.

[494] And this is a huge treat for me. Gosh, it's a huge treat for me too.

[495] And, you know, that's another thing.

[496] and I knew you came from a big family, but I think that's another reason that we could be friends.

[497] I always feel like people who come from big families, there's something in common.

[498] You know, Sarah Thier, Andy's wife, she comes from a big family, and I love the Thier family.

[499] I love how you meet one, and you can tell that you're talking to a Thier.

[500] Oh my God, yes, yeah.

[501] It's not that they do resemble each other, but their voices are alike, but they just have a sensibility that's similar.

[502] And I love meeting people in big families who have that.

[503] And I think, too, I feel so bad for people who are only children, I think it's really important to be able to hide in a family.

[504] Yeah.

[505] And I don't think that glare.

[506] I don't think that attention is healthy in any way to get that much attention from a parent.

[507] I just don't think it's good for anybody.

[508] I just got back, you know, from the holidays a while ago.

[509] And I, so much about my life is, you know, we got to do the podcast, the show, there's the, the big Conan logo, uh, on urinal cakes here at the office.

[510] I mean, it's just ridiculous.

[511] And I'm, and that can get toxic.

[512] And then you go home and nobody cares.

[513] They don't care.

[514] And we all gather around and they make fun of me. And, uh, I'm the butt of jokes.

[515] And, uh, you're right back in there.

[516] you're having some of the same arguments you had back, you know, 20 years before with the same people.

[517] And there's the same alliances and, as you know, shifting alliances all the time, you know.

[518] It's fascinating, but incredibly comforting to go back and just be part of a larger unit again.

[519] I feel bad for people with back pain.

[520] I feel really bad for people with Crohn's disease.

[521] But I think I feel worse for people who hate their families and who say, oh, I have to go.

[522] Christmas.

[523] How am I going to survive?

[524] I just think, gosh, that's something so fundamental to have gotten the short straw there.

[525] I feel so grateful to just to be related to people who I'm just crazy about.

[526] Yeah.

[527] Well, this is a nice.

[528] We ended on a sweet note.

[529] We did.

[530] Is there anything I can mention that will help you in any way?

[531] You so don't need my help, but anything like, you know, tune in, you know, David Sedaris's he has a new sweater collection that he's putting out there you know David has a line of jewelry anything at all I can mention that would help you in any way golly that's awfully nice of you to offer but I can't think of anything David they're doing more of the same doing more than I guess you can just say that well by far whether it was mentioning it to my wife or anyone I ran into today who knew I was going to be talking to you if you could just know how much their face is lit up, how excited they were for me. That's a nice thing.

[532] That's a nice thing for you to know.

[533] You've made a lot of people very, very happy.

[534] David Sedaris, what a thrill.

[535] Seriously, thank you very much.

[536] Thank you, Conan.

[537] Good man. We just ended with a firm handshake.

[538] And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[539] Conan, it's time to listen to some voicemails.

[540] These frighten me. You know that, right?

[541] I know.

[542] You always expect the worst.

[543] I do.

[544] I clench up childhood anxieties.

[545] This triggers me because I never know what someone's going to say.

[546] What if they say something mean or, and that's going to be in my head when I'm trying to go to sleep tonight.

[547] But anyway, this is the world we live in, so let's do it.

[548] It's so disturbed.

[549] All right, let's listen to the first voicemail.

[550] Hey, Conan.

[551] It's Gene.

[552] I live in Boston, and I recently visited the Dreamland Wax Museum here in Boston.

[553] And there were all the Boston icons, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, all the Tom Brady, even Tom Brady's wife.

[554] So I noticed there wasn't a Conan Wax figure, and I decided to write the director an email.

[555] And I said, do you have a Conan O 'Brien figure?

[556] Why?

[557] Why not?

[558] And here's her response.

[559] Hi, Jean.

[560] We do not have a Conan O 'Brien figure.

[561] We do have a Whoopi Goldberg.

[562] Thanks for your time.

[563] Bianca Cardoso.

[564] So here's my question.

[565] Why are they comparing you to Whoopi Goldberg?

[566] and why does the Dreamland Wax Museum not like you?

[567] Well, Gene, again, this is disturbing.

[568] I'm disturbed too.

[569] I think this blows that I'm not in this wax museum.

[570] I've never heard of this museum.

[571] I was just going to ask if you've ever been there.

[572] No. Okay.

[573] I've never heard of it.

[574] I don't know where it is.

[575] But if they're talking about Boston icons, yes, I understand, you know, Tom Brady has to be in there.

[576] I agree it's weird that his wife is in there as well.

[577] because I think she's from Brazil.

[578] Yeah, she's Brazilian.

[579] Yeah, so I don't get what that's all about.

[580] And I don't know why Whoopi Goldberg's a substitute for me. We're quite different.

[581] Is Whoopi Goldberg from Boston?

[582] I wasn't even aware if she was.

[583] No idea.

[584] I don't ever think about Boston.

[585] This feels like a great crime.

[586] What?

[587] It does.

[588] This feels like one of the greatest injustices of the past 50 years.

[589] and I'm including a lot of historical injustices in there.

[590] You mentioned that the director is Bianca Cardozo.

[591] I would urge our listeners to email or write Bianca Cardozo at this.

[592] What's this museum called?

[593] It's called the Dreamland Wax Museum.

[594] Wow, Dreamland.

[595] In Boston, Massachusetts.

[596] Dreamland Wax Museum.

[597] Well, it does not sound like a dreamland to me. It sounds like a nightmare scape.

[598] if you're saluting Bostonians and Conan O 'Brien's not there, what are you really doing?

[599] Yeah.

[600] That's crazy.

[601] That's like saying let's salute the famous people from Memphis and not having Elvis Presley in there.

[602] That's to me what it feels like.

[603] And I bet you they've had a lot of complaints about this.

[604] And I do.

[605] You've never even heard of it before.

[606] Yeah, but I'm sure there've been a lot of complaints.

[607] There's actually, there does exist.

[608] There's a Madam Tussaud's, Wax Conan.

[609] I'd be willing to have that duplicated and sent at their expense to the Dreamland Museum.

[610] So this is a solvable problem.

[611] But I bet you this is a question they get all the time.

[612] You know what I mean?

[613] This is like, oh, I was at Disneyland, I went to the Hall of Presidents.

[614] Oh, really?

[615] Was there a Lincoln there?

[616] Oh, come to think of it, there wasn't a Lincoln.

[617] There was a Polk.

[618] There was a Garfield.

[619] There was a Harrison, but no Lincoln.

[620] Hello.

[621] Earth to Dreamland, get a Conan.

[622] And you know what?

[623] You can get plenty of celebrities sort of look like me. It doesn't even, just get any body.

[624] It could be a woman's body.

[625] Just put loose clothing on it.

[626] Right?

[627] And then just jam a pumpkin on top and it's Conan.

[628] You know, there's not a lot that goes into a Conan Wax statue.

[629] Yeah.

[630] What's her name now?

[631] Cirrusi.

[632] What's her name?

[633] Searcy Ronan?

[634] Cersi Ronan?

[635] Wait, no. Is that right?

[636] Cersher Ronan?

[637] Yeah.

[638] Get like a Searsher Ronan statue and just put a pumpkin on the head and it looks like Conan.

[639] Put a suit on it.

[640] You have Searsher Ronan's body?

[641] I wonder if New Kids on the Block is in this Wax Museum.

[642] That would be a cruel blow.

[643] That's a real injustice if that isn't.

[644] Do you think New Kids in the Block are in there?

[645] I hope so.

[646] Why?

[647] So who do you think deserves it more?

[648] New Kids on the Block.

[649] Why?

[650] I'm still here.

[651] Where are they?

[652] They're still there.

[653] They have a cruise?

[654] Yeah, they have a cruise.

[655] Yes, they work that cruise.

[656] Yeah.

[657] They're shoveling coal into the engine.

[658] Okay.

[659] They have a cruise.

[660] Yeah.

[661] Get back to work, you.

[662] I don't even know their names.

[663] What are their names?

[664] Jordan, Donnie.

[665] Hey, Donnie.

[666] Get back in there.

[667] Hey, Joey.

[668] Jonathan and Danny.

[669] Jonathan, did you get those barnacles off the hole?

[670] No, I didn't.

[671] We thought we were going to.

[672] perform.

[673] No one's wanted to see you perform in 18 years.

[674] Get those barnacles off the hole.

[675] Yes, sir.

[676] I think it would be a really big injustice if New Kids on the block was not in the Dreamland Wax Museum.

[677] Let me point out something else.

[678] Tom Brady isn't even from Massachusetts.

[679] He's from California.

[680] Oh, yeah.

[681] He's, you know.

[682] No one cares.

[683] Oh, listen to this.

[684] Fact just handed to me. Whoopi Goldberg, born in New York City, moved to Berkeley, California.

[685] Oh.

[686] And when you ask, where's Conan O 'Brien in the Boston Wax Museum?

[687] They say, we don't need a Conan.

[688] We've got a whoopey Goldberg.

[689] In fact, I don't think she has any connection to Boston.

[690] That's ridiculous.

[691] What did you do to Bianca Cardozo?

[692] What did you do to this woman?

[693] I didn't do anything to her.

[694] This is ridiculous.

[695] This sounds to me like they were able to get their hands on a whoopey gold box.

[696] Wax statue, and they jammed it in there figuring most people wouldn't know.

[697] That's what this sounds like.

[698] This sounds to me like this is a wax museum without proper funding.

[699] Seriously.

[700] I have a theory.

[701] What?

[702] There used to be this ride at Disney called Superstar Limo, and you would go through this ride and there were all sorts of celebrities.

[703] One of them was Whoopi Goldberg, and the ride failed miserably.

[704] And maybe they eBayed that.

[705] Guess what?

[706] What?

[707] That's probably exactly.

[708] I'm not even kidding.

[709] that is exactly what happened.

[710] They got a hold of a rogue, Whoopi Goldberg, Wax statue, and they said, you know what?

[711] This area here completely empty, we got nothing.

[712] And probably one of the employees said, people are asking about Conan O 'Brien.

[713] And then Bianca Cardozo said, look, that costs money.

[714] What are we gonna do?

[715] Just go, you know, build a Conan O 'Brien?

[716] I don't think so.

[717] Find an existing wax statue.

[718] you.

[719] And then someone said, but Bianca, Whoopi Goldberg isn't even from, and she cut that person off and said, shut up!

[720] Just go off for 20 bucks for the Whoopi Goldberg.

[721] Tell them we're not paying for the shipping.

[722] They got to take it here themselves in a truck.

[723] Get it and fill out that space.

[724] We'll put a Red Sox cap on her.

[725] That's what happened.

[726] This is the same ride that the day it opened was the day that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman broke up and they had statues of them in there.

[727] And so they popped their heads off and put Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffin.

[728] It's true story.

[729] These people are monsters.

[730] Well, listen, there is an existing Conan O 'Brien statue.

[731] It's at Madam Tussaud's in Hollywood, unless they've melted it down since then.

[732] I know wax is a very valuable commodity.

[733] What?

[734] There's a wax shortage.

[735] Melt down the Conan O 'Brien statue.

[736] But I think this is a great crime.

[737] Thank you very much.

[738] Gene for bringing this to my attention.

[739] This is an abomination.

[740] Okay.

[741] It is.

[742] And I think the people of Boston should rise up and demand justice.

[743] Okay.

[744] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[745] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[746] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[747] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[748] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[749] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[750] Got a question for Conan?

[751] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821, and leave a message.

[752] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[753] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts or download.

[754] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.