Sam Richardson

[0] Hi, my name is Sam Richardson, and I feel honored and obligated about being Colonel O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Well, hold on, wait a minute.

[2] When did I suddenly become jury duty?

[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Hello there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[5] We are now in the third season of this podcast started out kind of a lark, and it has grown into, I think we're bigger than Texaco now.

[6] No. Yes, we are a large oil producing company.

[7] We are a petroleum company.

[8] We have massive holdings all across the world.

[9] No. I think we're publicly traded.

[10] We are a blue chip stock.

[11] It's wonderful what's happened to this podcast.

[12] None of that is true.

[13] I'm joined, as always, by my assistant, son of Sessian.

[14] Hi.

[15] Whose job seems to be just to tell me, no, no, that's not true.

[16] You're wrong.

[17] Why can't I have my little fantasies?

[18] I can fantasize that...

[19] Okay, if you want to be an oil barren.

[20] Well, who doesn't?

[21] There's a lot of money in that stuff.

[22] I don't want to do that.

[23] All right.

[24] And, of course, Matt Goreley joining us, Matt?

[25] Yeah, I like this idea that we're just this big oil conglomerate.

[26] We're big podcast.

[27] Yes, yes.

[28] We crush smaller podcasts.

[29] Sometimes Greenpeace takes boats out.

[30] Occasionally I record on a big trawler, and Greenpeace sends boats out, and they, like, try and interfere with my podcast.

[31] Yeah.

[32] But I just crush their boat with my giant podcast boat.

[33] PETA spray paints your microphone windscrews.

[34] Exactly, yeah.

[35] But I don't even know about it.

[36] I live in like a tall black tower.

[37] I sit in there and I just I look out the window and I see demonstrations in the distance but it's all nothing to me I just look those little ants Yeah And they come in and say Sir the podcast The podcast just made $8 billion And I say burn it Oh okay Burn it We're running out of places to put the money That's a nice fantasy No that's not my fantasy at all Okay It's a weird thing to say No, I don't do this for financial gain.

[38] I do this because I love connecting with people.

[39] Yeah, that's true.

[40] That part is it.

[41] You thought I was being silly, but I don't.

[42] I really like doing this.

[43] Enjoy it.

[44] I think we're a nice little group.

[45] You know, we've got Matt is very different from you, Sona.

[46] Do you mean?

[47] You know the way that tin man's different than the scarecrow and the scarecrow's different from the cowardly line.

[48] They're all very different characters.

[49] Who are we here?

[50] I know, which one?

[51] Who's who?

[52] Well, I'm Dorothy.

[53] Okay.

[54] And I'm also Toto.

[55] Oh, you're the dog, too.

[56] Yeah, Toto's my ego.

[57] Who runs rampant.

[58] Sonia, you're too inactive to be the...

[59] You're the tin man when he's rusted.

[60] Oh, before the oil.

[61] Before the oil.

[62] You're just, you're very...

[63] You're sitting still.

[64] I ask you to do things and you go...

[65] I can't need oil.

[66] Uh -huh.

[67] And I think...

[68] You've got a little bit of a scarecrow about you, Gourley, don't you think?

[69] I think that's pretty accurate.

[70] He was always my favorite, so I'll take that.

[71] Yeah.

[72] No, I take that back.

[73] Flying monkey.

[74] Oh, huh.

[75] You're a flying monkey.

[76] No, but you were very eager to please.

[77] I say, make that edit and you go, car, car, ee, and fly away.

[78] You chose two people who are barely in it.

[79] The rest of Tin Man is there for a minute.

[80] Yeah.

[81] And then he's, you know, oiled and normal.

[82] You're not oiled, so I'm not oiled.

[83] And then the flying monkey's only in it for a little bit.

[84] No, they're in it a couple times.

[85] Oh, okay.

[86] I think I'm Dorothy.

[87] and I'm Toto.

[88] I'm also the witch.

[89] Yes.

[90] Because if I'm the flying monkey doing your bidding, you're definitely the witch.

[91] Yes.

[92] No, what I'm saying is my, this may sound pretentious.

[93] Maybe I shouldn't say it.

[94] Well, I guess I have to now.

[95] I think my personality is so complex.

[96] I think I embody so many different worlds, so many different possibilities, so many different dimensions that I'm not just one character.

[97] You're, Thanos.

[98] In a way I am.

[99] I'll take that.

[100] I don't care.

[101] If I'm Thanos, doesn't Thanos end up kicking ass?

[102] Then I'm Thanos.

[103] Which Avengers are Matt and I then?

[104] You're going to probably say, oh, that one character that was in that one scene.

[105] I don't know the Avengers that well, I have to say.

[106] They made too many of them.

[107] They also broke my cardinal rule, which is I don't like portals in the sky.

[108] I'm against portals.

[109] What a specific rule?

[110] I don't like portals.

[111] Why did you have that rule?

[112] That's my rule.

[113] What a hill to die.

[114] I know.

[115] But listen to me. No space portals.

[116] Here's what I hate about portals.

[117] And you're going to agree with me once I explain it.

[118] They set up some rules and, you know, all screenplays need rules, right?

[119] And then what happens is the screenwriters always get frustrated at some point and they just want to use as much CGI and cool stuff as possible.

[120] So what they always do is they have some interesting plot and they've got to be clever.

[121] But then they get tired.

[122] They get tired.

[123] It's time for that third act and the studio's waiting.

[124] So they go, then they put the two stones together or they put the eye inside the idol or they pull the mighty lever.

[125] And this, there's a rumbling.

[126] The mighty lever.

[127] The mighty lever.

[128] And the sky opens.

[129] And there's a big portal.

[130] And then anything the screenwriter wants can come out of it.

[131] All the rules are off because it's a portal.

[132] And then there's always a rule on how you close the portal.

[133] And it's whatever the fucking screenwriter.

[134] thinks of because he wants to get to dinner.

[135] No portals.

[136] Portals are a bad idea.

[137] I don't feel that strongly about portals.

[138] I mean, I don't feel strongly about it.

[139] I agree, but no, it's weird that you feel that strong.

[140] You have a hatred for them.

[141] I hate them because I think it's a giant crutch.

[142] Yeah, you know, like the tornado and Wizard of Oz is portals before portals will court.

[143] Oh.

[144] Well, it is, but it's also, it's all it is, essentially, is it's the ladder that gets you from one reality to the other.

[145] fine.

[146] But in the Wizard of Oz, I don't think we'd be watching that and considering it a classic if instead of just picking up Dorothy, the tornado had started spewing out random, here's a Coke machine that's also a lizard.

[147] You know, here's a giant tub of Vaseline that is a god that has snakes for arms.

[148] Yeah.

[149] Like just madness.

[150] Madness just comes spewing out of these things.

[151] Yeah, fuck portals.

[152] Well, I'm serious.

[153] I know people say COVID's a big deal and stuff, and maybe it is, I don't know.

[154] Where is this going?

[155] What I'm saying is I think our focus right now should be on getting portals taken out of these movies.

[156] Okay.

[157] There has to be a no portal podcast.

[158] You know what it says PG -13 or rated R up front?

[159] It should say NP, no portal.

[160] You're taking a brave stand.

[161] I salute you.

[162] This is courageous.

[163] Well, it might make them think of like a real ending.

[164] Yeah, you're changing the world.

[165] Yeah.

[166] And this guy.

[167] You know what?

[168] think it's actually a function on most, you know, laptops now is you can just press like F -stop -8 and it just, it just, it's a camera time.

[169] Well, what is it then?

[170] I don't know.

[171] It's just F -8.

[172] Just F -A -A -A -A.

[173] Okay.

[174] You press F -8 on any Apple computer and what's going to happen?

[175] A portal scenario, which just comes up.

[176] If you're in this screenwriter's mode, they should have a button that they put that just says portal.

[177] So that the writer of the screenplay is like, and then he just pushes portal.

[178] The random generator in the computer says the sky grows dark.

[179] Suddenly a bright flash of light.

[180] Out comes.

[181] And then it just takes random words, you know, vowels and nouns and slams them all together.

[182] And suddenly here comes.

[183] comes the pink derby that has lizard legs here comes here comes the cash register that's made of belton chocolate and it shoots lightning bolts and lasers like whatever it just doesn't have to make sense and any company anybody is like yeah whatever fucky jerk off motion here comes the portal and then at the end oh they pushed the two random objects together.

[184] And there was a mighty levels.

[185] Yeah, they pushed the two things together and and the portal goes and seals up.

[186] And then it's time for Tony Stark to say a smart aleck thing.

[187] It's just time for bullshit.

[188] It makes no sense.

[189] Well, speaking of that, let's do our podcast.

[190] Yeah.

[191] Some would say my mouth is a portal that spues.

[192] Bullshit.

[193] Nicely done.

[194] Nicely done, Matt.

[195] That was good, Matt.

[196] I doff my cap to you.

[197] We shouldn't Dilly or Dally.

[198] Oh, okay.

[199] Terrific guest today.

[200] My guest today is a hilarious actor, very funny comedian, writer, who played Richard Splatt, one of the great characters of all time on the Emmy Award -winning HBO series, Veep.

[201] Last year, I had the privilege of traveling with his gentleman to Ghana for an episode of Conan Without Borders, which is available right now on HBO Max.

[202] We had an incredible experience.

[203] I encourage you to check that out.

[204] It really was a wonderful trip and turned out to be a great episode.

[205] And I'm eternally grateful to this gentleman.

[206] Sam Richardson, welcome.

[207] I have spent some intense quality time with you.

[208] I was a big fan of yours and admirer of yours and clearly such a funny and talented guy.

[209] And then you accompanied me on a trip to, Ghana, which is where your family's from, originally.

[210] And you spent some time they're growing up, but mostly in Detroit.

[211] So you and I went on this trip together, and you were hilarious.

[212] You were, like, the second we got on the plane together, let's just pretend it was a private plane that we took, even though it wasn't.

[213] From the minute the Cone Stream 7 ,000 pulled up.

[214] And, no, no, we took a bunch of flights to get there.

[215] Right, it was two flights, I think.

[216] We went to England and then we went straight to Ghana, I believe.

[217] But you were being really hilarious on the plane like I should have known.

[218] But sometimes people are very funny on TV and then you hang out with them and they're kind of shy.

[219] And it's not like you're a crazy extrovert or anything because you're not, but you're such a good improviser and that's been such a big part of your training.

[220] You were just cracking me up right away.

[221] And anything I would lay out there, you would go with it and then advance it.

[222] And we were just acting like fools, moments into the flight, which was really fun, which was really fun for me. And I think annoying to everyone probably around us.

[223] Probably.

[224] It was why you probably want the private flight.

[225] Next time, I am going to get a private plane one day.

[226] I just have to figure out a way to date for it.

[227] But I'm getting that private plane.

[228] But it was really fun.

[229] I mean, right off the bat.

[230] And like, you know, all like jokes and then hyperbole aside, yeah, right.

[231] But, you know, like truly growing up, you're one.

[232] you're one of my heroes of comedy.

[233] Like, I watched your shows for very beginning.

[234] From the moment of your birth, I think.

[235] From the moment of my birth, I came out and was like, In the year to the...

[236] Yeah, it's a thing I ever saw was that starry moon backdrop.

[237] Yep.

[238] That's crazy.

[239] And you're like, Mama!

[240] No, no, I'm your mother.

[241] That's a late night backdrop.

[242] You tried to suckle on my late -night backdrop.

[243] Oh, God.

[244] Well, he did.

[245] And I'm sorry about that on the plane.

[246] I just, there was a level of comfort that I wasn't prepared for.

[247] Anytime we hit turbulence, you were in my lap, trying to get milk from me. And I...

[248] And it was very little.

[249] There was very little milk.

[250] And you know what?

[251] It's not good milk.

[252] It's like a strawberry...

[253] It's a strawberry quick.

[254] It comes out of me. What is wrong with you.

[255] You know, this, it's so great.

[256] Oh, no. This one is broken instantly.

[257] And sometimes the interview is, we have to get to a point where we're instantly at the point where Sam is sitting on my lap in a turbulent flight to Ghana, suckling my nipple to get the strawberry quick out.

[258] And there's not a lot.

[259] And it started so sincere.

[260] It really did.

[261] It was very sweet.

[262] But, you know, we had, I have to say, we had, it was a fascinating trip.

[263] And it is one of my favorite Conan Without Borders episodes that we've ever done.

[264] And I have so much, I just had such a lovely time and I loved getting to know you and, you and your family and your family having us over to their house and your mom putting out more food.

[265] And I'm, this is, I am Irish Catholic and I am one of six kids.

[266] And so there were nine people in our house growing up.

[267] Don't ask me about that extra person.

[268] And we're not sure who he was.

[269] But, you know, our rule is however much food can be eaten, we will put out four times more food than that.

[270] And then just, and I think your family out.

[271] did my family, I've never seen that much food for a relatively small group of people.

[272] It was also, it was kind of hostile.

[273] That's what I want to say.

[274] It was a hostile act.

[275] Yeah, it was definitely a challenge.

[276] Yeah, and they kept bringing out, you'd be like, oh my God, that was just fantastic.

[277] We are just beginning.

[278] More, I say, more!

[279] It was really amazing.

[280] Fool, prepare yourself.

[281] Do it gorge.

[282] Does your jaw detach?

[283] I will say, say one thing about you that I did know because you are, I don't want to say mild mannered, but when someone's a superhero and they kind of want to hide it, I could see you being that person because you're, you know, you're extremely, you're extremely kind and you're soft -spoken.

[284] You're not one of those comedy people that needs to, you know, blow up the room when you walk into it or be the center of attention.

[285] But one thing I noticed is you partied so hard in the whatever the five days I spent with you, I don't think you slept the entire time we were there and so it would be the end of a really long day and I'd be like, okay, I'm just going to pass out in my room and you'd say and I'm off and then I would see you in the morning and you just like I could see like your eye sockets were leaking not tears, the actual fluid that comprises the eye was coming out of your eyeballs.

[286] You really party.

[287] I mean, that's just been my setting for, like, most of my life anyway.

[288] My time at Second City in Chicago, me and my buddy Tim Robinson, we would work six nights a week, you know, eight shows, six nights a week, and every night we would then go to the bar afterwards.

[289] Tuesday through Thursday, we'd do from eight till, like, 11, and then drink from till two, and then four, because of Chicago, you had four o 'clock bars.

[290] Saturday nights, bars were open until five, so we'd go out till five, and then Monday would be our day off, and we'd just go drink and hang out.

[291] Okay.

[292] Now, Sam, in your description, you're acting like, you're sort of describing it as if, well, the bars are open till five, therefore we have to stay there till five.

[293] Like, that is mandated.

[294] That was our understanding.

[295] Yeah.

[296] You know that you don't have to stay.

[297] You're like, oh, I'm open till 6 a .m. well, okay, if you say so.

[298] If they're so nice and kind to open their doors, who are we to deny them company?

[299] It is funny.

[300] I spent one summer doing comedy in Chicago in 1988.

[301] I did a show with Robert Smigle and Bob Odenkirk and it was this stage show that we did of sketches that we couldn't get on to Saturday Night Live that were really weird that we liked.

[302] All I remember is I was not a drinker, but I remember.

[303] that all I wanted to do because I was 6 '4, I think I weighed 160 pounds, and I could eat a cinder block and metabolize it instantly.

[304] I was constantly hungry.

[305] And so all I wanted to do after we were done with the show is go out and eat like four deep dish pizzas.

[306] Do you know what I mean?

[307] And that was encouraged.

[308] That's sort of, like you're not allowed to do comedy in the Midwest, especially Chicago, unless you've consumed 35 ,000.

[309] calories that day.

[310] And you have to.

[311] It's like, it's, it's more than encourage.

[312] It's insisted.

[313] You can get pulled over in Chicago, and they have a test to see if you've had, how many carbs have you had today?

[314] How much sausage have you had?

[315] And it's not, and if you're not drunk, they take you in.

[316] They take you in.

[317] License registration, pizza receipt.

[318] Yeah.

[319] So what did you use?

[320] Because you have this kind of cool, I mean, your.

[321] I know you're a comic fan and you have like a cool origin story which is this dual identity of Detroit, Ghana, you're sort of shifting back and forth.

[322] You know, first of all, I'd like to know how you figured out that comedy was an option.

[323] That always fascinates me because I've met your family and they're lovely people, but you don't think, oh yes, and I think it's the same thing for my family.

[324] I don't think people would have necessarily thought show business because when I grew up, that just didn't seem like an option.

[325] Did you know that that was an option for you?

[326] Or it was just something that you kind of fell into gradually?

[327] Well, something I kind of fell into gradually.

[328] You know, I would go back and forth to and from Ghana a lot.

[329] So I always felt like I was missing out on something.

[330] Because essentially, I'm not an only child, but I'm my mother's only child.

[331] Right.

[332] So I was the only one who had that Ghana experience like that.

[333] Yeah.

[334] So that would mean that I would be traveling.

[335] I'd be on my own so much.

[336] You know, or I'd get to, when I get to Ghana, then I had my, all my cousins and all that.

[337] But then I would also be, like, kind of an outcast because I was, like, not around as much as everybody else.

[338] And the same thing in Detroit, because, like, I would be missing the summers and stuff.

[339] So that's when everybody would, like, kind of bond and be like, oh, we had the best summer.

[340] Anyway, hey, Sam, he's our African cousin.

[341] And in Ghana, you know, here's our American cousin.

[342] How is Ghana?

[343] That was Ghana, whatever.

[344] But, like, I sort of, like, I think I learned to entertain myself.

[345] and so I kind of like just would find things funny and then like internalize them and there's kind of like build on them in my own head like in my own imagination and then like I would watch a lot of TV and a lot of movies and kind of just like we'd just absorb those things and like take those things as real life so like things that were written as comedy dialogue I was like oh that's just how people talk and so like that's kind of like was in my head there and I didn't even consider it like a job sort of thing or something I could actually do until I got into high school I was a walk on to the football team because my family was going to move to Ghana like they were going to move there and my my parents do everything last minute so I had no idea they were going to but then they're like we're moving to Ghana and you're going to go to boarding school in London so I was like oh okay so I was like gearing up to do that and then last second they're like nope actually we're not ha ha so I went to this sounds like I mean they're pranking you and they're obviously trying to shatter your psyche at a very impressionable age, you know?

[346] Yeah.

[347] You're going into the Air Force tomorrow.

[348] Wait, no, you're not, you know.

[349] Yeah.

[350] Made me tough and emotionless.

[351] But the last second, they were like, actually, we're not.

[352] We're going to, we're staying in Detroit.

[353] And I'd taken a test to go to a Catholic school called U of D Jesuit.

[354] And so I went, and I found it was an all -boys school.

[355] I had no idea it was all boys.

[356] So I was like super bummed.

[357] Yeah.

[358] And then one day, my friend who was a senior, when I was a freshman was taking classes at Second City, Detroit.

[359] So I went to see his class show, and then I did a, they had like an improv jam where anybody from the audience can get up and like kind of do something.

[360] So I got up for like an improv game.

[361] And I remember they got pointed to me and I had like a punchline and the audience went nuts and like just like a fire inside of me. It was just like, this will consume you for all time.

[362] Yes.

[363] Any addict can describe this feeling because those of us in this sorry trade of comedy know it very well, which is you get up there and you score, and it really is very similar to when I hear addicts say, well, I was nine, and I found a big, you know, rock of coke of crack, and I ate it, and I knew then that this was going to be my life, you know, it is the same thing.

[364] It is the same thing.

[365] It's so interesting to me, what everyone's got a different way in.

[366] There's one thing that happens to them.

[367] And for you, it's Ghostbusters.

[368] Ghostbusters really, you think, started it for you?

[369] It really did.

[370] Because I remember so well, because in Ghana, I had this, my aunt, Letitia had recorded a bunch of TV and movies from London.

[371] And so we had like a bunch of tapes, VHS tapes.

[372] And one of them was like a recording of Ghostbusters.

[373] Okay, this is serious bootlegging, right?

[374] It was on TV She's a serious bootlegger And when you say it's on TV Was she taping it professionally off the TV And like using real equipment Or was she just aiming like a VHS camera at the TV?

[375] Just a VHs.

[376] It was just like a VHS thing That would get the video And then she would dub over The voices So you have sound as well So you get this bootleg of Ghostbusters Yeah you know Just like like the TV edit And we were just like watch Ghostbusters nonstop.

[377] Like, there were a few movies that I watched nonstop.

[378] It was Ghostbusters, Mary Poppins, and Police Academy.

[379] These were, like, movies I watched infinitely.

[380] And, like, the weird thing is, like, as a kid, I didn't realize Ghostbusters was a comedy.

[381] I just thought it was, like, this supernatural, cool, like, kind of hero movie, you know?

[382] Because, like, my comedy palette wasn't, like, developed.

[383] I just, like, knew these people were charming.

[384] But then, like, the ghosts were cool and the tools.

[385] were cool, and I just, like, was obsessed with it.

[386] Yeah.

[387] You know, it wasn't, like, going back later.

[388] I was like, oh, the comedy here is so good and, like, subtle.

[389] And then it, like, really became my favorite movie, like, in my early, early teens.

[390] Right.

[391] You know.

[392] Have you watched it more than 100 times, Ghostbusters?

[393] Oh, more than 100 times.

[394] If you were watching Ghostbusters, would you be able to mouth along with the entire movie?

[395] Yes, I would most definitely.

[396] Okay, you're right.

[397] I would arrest.

[398] Oh, no. This is a sting operation.

[399] Oh, crap.

[400] Get him.

[401] here's a here's a sad story that I remember so well I just I just oh man I guess I was maybe about nine my parents brought a high school group from Detroit called Spain High School to Ghana and you know it's like a high school trip so like they came they played it was a high school band so they came and they played in different places in Ghana and like it was like a big field trip for them There was just one kid who I, like, just befriended.

[402] I was like, I love this guy.

[403] He loves to listen to me. So, like, I would just talk to him nonstop.

[404] And I would just always be like, and then Ghostbusters is this and Ghostbusters is that.

[405] And at Universal Studios, there's this Ghostbuster thing and, like, Ghostb is my favorite movie.

[406] And then one day we're on a bus and it was like, enough, man. It's so boring.

[407] I don't care about Ghostbusters.

[408] Oh, my God.

[409] And I was like, oh, gasp.

[410] I was shocked.

[411] I was so, like, heartbroken.

[412] And then he was like, oh, man, I'm sorry.

[413] I mean, this kid was like 15, you know what I mean?

[414] Like, he wasn't.

[415] And to be fair, you weren't nine, you were 27 at the time.

[416] That was 27.

[417] It was like 25 and a half.

[418] Well, I was still young.

[419] Not old enough to be yelled at like that.

[420] Even in the, even like as a nine -year -old was like, oh, that's harsh.

[421] I was like, yeah, I did talk about ghost.

[422] a lot, didn't I?

[423] It's like, I even, like, was able to realize it because it's like, no, I only talk about, no, yeah, no, that's all I've been talking to you about.

[424] Right, I'm going through my mental catalog of what we've discussed, and it's only Ghostbusters.

[425] That's, that's it.

[426] Including, he admitted to me that his mom had just passed away, and I said, then maybe she'll be a ghost, like in Ghostbusters.

[427] Like, Ghostbusters.

[428] Well, hope she doesn't get busted.

[429] And that's when he called you a monster with no soul.

[430] You know, of course, everybody knows you from Veep and you played this character, Richard Splett, who is to this day one of my kids.

[431] My wife made, I think, a very dodgy decision.

[432] I loved Veep, but my wife decided that it was so funny and satirical and about government that our children could watch it.

[433] And I swear to God, I would walk in and should be watching it with the kids who at the time were about 11 and 13.

[434] And there'd be characters, often Julia Louie Dreyf is another character saying, why don't you get the jizz out of your dick, you, you know, that's just, and that's just like how they would say pass the butter, you know, on that show.

[435] And I'd be like, lies, and she'd be like, well, I know, that was a little much.

[436] But they loved your character.

[437] And your character, Richard Splett, was safe because he was so sweet.

[438] And so kind and really funny in a way that was different.

[439] You get used to seeing so many different sort of comedic moves.

[440] And I thought your character of Richard Splett was very unique, very comedically unique, and absolutely hilarious.

[441] And my kids were like, just adore you.

[442] They don't know the real you, thank God, the monster.

[443] who parties and parties and drinks and drinks.

[444] Oh, that is me. Yeah.

[445] Oh, my God.

[446] It was funny for a second, wasn't it, until you realized?

[447] I was sure it was.

[448] Where's my whiskey?

[449] I didn't know this, and I only found this that recently, that your character was brought in, supposedly, they only intended to use you very sparingly, right, for a short arc, and then they just, you stayed.

[450] It was the same thing that happened at Second City Like your moment came and you killed it And then they wanted more and more and more And then the great ultimate irony As you were in there for a short story arc And then when the whole series ends You're the president Which was fantastic Which was just fantastic It was only supposed to be for one episode actually One episode?

[451] Just was supposed to be the first episode of season three I was just supposed to be there As an annoying replacement for Gary while she was on a book tour in Iowa.

[452] I was supposed to just be there and let's just kind of illustrate how much she kind of needed her team, really.

[453] But like it was just like, we had such a good time.

[454] And coming into the table reads, they were in Baltimore, and I was like ready to get just kind of like nothing on my jokes at the table read because, you know, everybody's kind of over.

[455] Like I figured by like season three, everybody's like kind of over it and just kind of just going through the motion.

[456] Yeah, kind of shady.

[457] But I got there to table read and like on the very first line, everybody's laughing.

[458] The whole time everybody's like, laughing and having a good time, like, really enjoying the scripts.

[459] And I was like, oh, nobody was like, just not giving me anything on my lines either.

[460] So, like, it was just, like, a very friendly room.

[461] And then afterwards, the process used to be that we would put the scripts aside and then we would re -improvis all the scenes to polish out some of the British schisms.

[462] Because, like, mostly the writing staff was British.

[463] So, like, there was a lot of things that you probably wouldn't say in the States, but, you know, like pass me a shilling gov that'll be in there and we'd have to like lose that.

[464] Wow, these sound like really...

[465] Give me a dollar gov. These really terrible British writers.

[466] Yeah, I guess so.

[467] Now that you look back.

[468] But there's just some charm about them.

[469] It's just a charm.

[470] Yeah, they kept introducing chitty, chitty -chitty bang, bang to the...

[471] It's chitty -chie -chie -bang -bang.

[472] What?

[473] No, let's lose that part and make it more about the legislative initiative.

[474] yeah but we would re -improvise those scenes and like that's where my second city training kind of really came into play and so I would like just be improvising things but within those you know just like kind of making them realer and like adding things where I thought it was funny and it kind of worked so well that after the first episode they kind of rewrote me into the very next episode that's great and then like kind of just kept on like having me hang out like maybe you're going to put you in this episode and I and like they would find me out to Baltimore.

[475] So I was out in Baltimore for like almost an entire season, finding back and forth being like, I think you're going to be in episode five.

[476] And I'd be there and I'd be there and I'm like, no, actually you're not.

[477] So then I would just like have been in this hotel and then go back home.

[478] And then they asked me to join the cast the next season.

[479] What I loved about the character was no one ever expected him such low expectations for the character.

[480] I mean, it's funny because it mirrors somewhat your experience on the show as you're just being brought in.

[481] No one thinks you're there for very long.

[482] You're actually just supposed to be there for one episode.

[483] And then like the character who really is just not supposed to rise in this system.

[484] Do you know what I mean?

[485] He's really not supposed to rise at all.

[486] And then, but his essence is pure and he's good.

[487] And then at the end, when Selena Myers has passed away, and they're like, and now the president and the first lady are laying the wreath at the gym, you walk across.

[488] And that made me so happy.

[489] That was such a, I was so happy with that development.

[490] I would like you to be president, you know?

[491] Not that I don't love our current president.

[492] Oh, he's wonderful.

[493] I'm sorry.

[494] I'm just, I thought you knew the deal when you came on this podcast.

[495] Doesn't mean I have to like it.

[496] No, you don't have to like it, but this is conservative talk podcast.

[497] This is what I'm all, I talk a little bit about comedy to, you know, whatever, because there seems to be something people like, but then we get down to what I want and what Sona really believes.

[498] Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't drag me into this.

[499] Thank you.

[500] No, but I like that there's a edginess is fine, but edginess can sometimes lead towards cynicism and just sort of, and my muse has always been a pretty silly muse and I like it when things are just funny for funny sake, and it's no coincidence to me that often when that happens.

[501] There's a silliness and sort of a life -affirming goofiness to it all.

[502] And I always sensed you were kind of a kindred spirit in that regard.

[503] No, yeah.

[504] I typically, like, I like to lean towards optimism in like, and I think that there's like so much of comedy is bleak and pessimistic.

[505] I think it can't all be that, you know?

[506] Right.

[507] Right.

[508] Even like with Richard, I think kind of the idea of I took with playing him was that it was this sort of like negative space or like kind of like a yin and yang kind of thing like in that with there being no character who's like really a good person or good people get like kind of shouted down and like destroyed they have this character in there who is a good person and like an optimistic person who's also kind of can just shrug off any sort of attack and not doesn't seem to know doesn't seem to notice it really doesn't doesn't affect him or bother him you know or like must say oh that's if that was meant as an insult that would be really insulting.

[509] But there must have been something behind that.

[510] You know?

[511] Were that an insult?

[512] My feelings would be hurt.

[513] So glad it couldn't possibly be.

[514] Do you think you could play?

[515] I mean, I'm sure you could.

[516] You're very talented.

[517] But is there some part of you that would want to play if you had the chance, an incredibly evil?

[518] I want to play an asshole monster.

[519] I feel people think that I am Richard Splett, like the character Richard Splett.

[520] Right.

[521] So a lot of the things I see, a lot of things I read are like with that I mean, I appreciate that, and I certainly love that, because things I love to do are nice people.

[522] But I am also capable of being a villain and sadistic.

[523] Yeah, let's get that out there.

[524] Let's get that out there.

[525] I've killed.

[526] I love to play evil in just my comedic riffs and say things that are absolutely, I love to, and I've often thought, I think I'm a fundamentally nice person who spends a lot of time trying to convince people that I'm a monster?

[527] Yeah.

[528] Does that make sense to you?

[529] Absolutely, yeah.

[530] I mean, we do a whole podcast that surrounds the idea that you're awful.

[531] I never got to, I don't think that's the idea of the podcast.

[532] I feel like that's what I'm, I take from it.

[533] Really?

[534] That you're terrible and awful and then Matt and I came up on you and never.

[535] This is news to me. Yeah.

[536] That's what I thought, like the podcast, the talk shows, that's what I kind of.

[537] Yeah, just your whole career in general.

[538] Oh, wow.

[539] Okay.

[540] All right.

[541] I thought it was in...

[542] Funnel Without Borders.

[543] Conan goes to take a shit on Ghana.

[544] Check it out.

[545] He really takes the piss out of Ghana.

[546] What is all this dirt?

[547] Yeah.

[548] This is dirt everywhere.

[549] You wouldn't hear it.

[550] Oh, my God, yeah.

[551] No, we cut all that stuff out because, you know, it didn't test as well as we thought it would.

[552] My rant against dirt in other countries.

[553] Um, yeah, no, but it's so much, I always find that I think it's, I don't know, there's something, uh, almost very healthy about inhabiting that space of pure evil and in a safe way.

[554] Do you know what I mean?

[555] It's like, uh, it's why I'm into bondage.

[556] It's all safe.

[557] There are control words.

[558] God.

[559] It can stop at any time.

[560] So, oh, please, you've had to buy the equipment for me. Don't have thought you didn't know.

[561] Oh, man. Yeah.

[562] Jesus.

[563] It's horrible.

[564] What are you talking about?

[565] You're always saying, oh, that.

[566] I went to that store They didn't have it But then I went to this other store And they have the good one The suit that really zips you So there's no breathing holes You're making me buy the stuff That's the worst part of that story It's awful You have the card for the store I'm such a frequent customer there I have I have the special card Yeah I'm in the system They're always like Yes I'm in the system Oh God Please change the topic Oh, please.

[567] I do not buy you bondage gear.

[568] Thank you.

[569] Well, no. It's borrowed.

[570] Oh, man. Sam.

[571] No. And you know what?

[572] You really, people have said to me you don't want to borrow that stuff.

[573] Trust me. You don't want it on loan.

[574] You know what I mean?

[575] You want to be able to.

[576] I don't see the problem.

[577] Oh.

[578] I really don't.

[579] It seems pretty clean.

[580] Oh.

[581] So I'm fine.

[582] Is it true that you performed on cruise ships for a while?

[583] Yes, it is.

[584] With Second City, again.

[585] I have to say it's kind of, and not just, obviously, we're in this COVID era now where cruise ships just seem really chilling and untenable.

[586] But I always thought performing on a cruise ship would be very problematic because I've heard stories from a good friend of mine, he's a stand -up, and he was describing a comedian who did a set on a ship that made the people so angry that he had to stay in his cabin afterwards and then within two days the helicopter came and took the comic off the boat.

[587] Oh, no. Like, now I don't know, I'm just, but I just, the idea of a guy having a really bad set and cutting to an audience and they're very unhappy and staring at him and then a smash cut to him being, in a harness lifted by a cable in high seas off the boat is one of the funniest things I can imagine and horrifying.

[588] And I would think I'm very superstitious about I never want to see the crowd before I go out.

[589] I want them the first time they see me to be when it's, I have all these like little weird rules that I follow and I just would think if I'm in the buffet line and people are like, oh, you're on tonight.

[590] I'll see you in a little bit.

[591] But I'm watching you now and judging you for how much macaroni salad you're taking.

[592] And I'm, that would horrify me. And then also if it didn't go well, I would be horrified to see them.

[593] Did you, did any of that stuff happen to you or no?

[594] Well, so like our life on the ship was kind of like...

[595] Our life on the ship.

[596] Our life.

[597] It really became, in fact, we had the phrase ship life.

[598] And that was like kind of, that was like a kind of like general term for living life on a ship.

[599] So I guess something to the phrase.

[600] Every week kind of had like a pattern to it.

[601] So we would, on Sundays, we would port.

[602] New passengers would come on, and everything was a mess, because everybody was, like, walking around everywhere.

[603] Monday, people were kind of getting their sea legs, but, like, would kind of, like, just be chill and in their rooms.

[604] So we as a, as a performers, would kind of go and eat at the restaurants, you know, drink at the bars and kind of just, like, have our anonymity.

[605] Right.

[606] Tuesday, we would do our show, and we do two hour -long shows at seven and nine.

[607] And from that moment on, everybody on the ship knew you, you know, because, like, it's like 3 ,000 people in that ship, and everybody say, would see the show because, like, what else are you going to do?

[608] Right.

[609] So everybody would see you.

[610] And so from then on, you couldn't go anywhere without them being like, hey, man, you know.

[611] Yep.

[612] And, like, there's just, like, access to people are like, I'm just going to go talk to him at his dinner table.

[613] I'm going to sit down.

[614] And so you'd kind of like, uh, it was great.

[615] Yeah.

[616] You know, yeah.

[617] So it was great for, like, if you wanted, like, a free drink because we were all very poor.

[618] So we were like, like, hey, love that show.

[619] And buy you a drink.

[620] But then you do a couple drinks and then you'd go to the crew bar and kind of like, live in the crew bar and then you'd go and like drink dollar beers and then kind of just hide out everything i talk about is about drinking you know i wasn't going to say anything but this is turned into an intervention um no i need sponsorship every single it's i don't think there's one story i could get you to tell that doesn't involve uh drinking you know well there was a time i went from my cat scan and i was in the hospital well yeah the brew was giving out free cat scans.

[621] So improv is so participatory.

[622] I'm just thinking that would be a little bit of an issue too because there might be people that see you the next day and you're sitting there trying to have your turkey sandwich and they're like, hey, I shouted out gynaecologist seven times and you didn't take my suggestion, you know, and you're like, yeah, no, we heard you.

[623] We just wanted to maybe take a less creepy suggestion.

[624] Well, that's funny, you know.

[625] I'm going to hear what I. For real, it happens exactly like they.

[626] I said gynecologist.

[627] I said doctor's office.

[628] It's like, no, but I want a gynecologist.

[629] That's not my suggestion.

[630] It's a gynecologist.

[631] I've experienced that sometimes in improv, if you had a good, if there was a good end of the scene, and I'm not trying to be ages here, but I would sometimes notice with older audiences, they would think it was like a magic trick.

[632] They really did.

[633] Like if you made something wrong, if they said, do this song and you did a song, and then you made it rhyme, just because, and it wasn't even that good, they'd be like, how?

[634] How did he?

[635] So is he wearing a wire?

[636] And I'm like, no, it's just not that good.

[637] Yes, I rhymed.

[638] I asked you what you did, and you said that you sold shoes, and then I said, I bet you drink a lot of boo, and you're like, okay, he's wearing a wire.

[639] So someone backstage must know that you sell shit.

[640] No, it's not that good.

[641] There's no wire.

[642] If it was a wire, it would have to be a lot better.

[643] Exactly.

[644] Like, I mean, that's a thing, right?

[645] Like, a lot of improv games and things like that are just, like, parlor tricks.

[646] It really is.

[647] Like, as soon as you say shoes, I'm like, shoes, cruise, cruise, booze, moves, twos, uh, twos.

[648] And then like, then like I'm just working backwards and trying to do it within the second to be like, oh, I'll play balls of foos.

[649] And then like, I'm out in the audience, yes, how amazing.

[650] And I'm like, but how?

[651] But how?

[652] Witchcraft.

[653] Sorcery.

[654] That's simply undoable.

[655] You're lucky you weren't killed for being some kind of a demon.

[656] But these are the pocket trips you learn.

[657] So even like in like actual like scene work, like long form, you like we use the callback so much.

[658] So like you like a little detail.

[659] You're like, you're like, okay.

[660] So like when the scene gets kind of to be its end, I think this is a good enough punch.

[661] I'll find a way to bring that back and then, you know, kind of like get there again.

[662] And you do it.

[663] And an audience is always like simply, how does he remember this?

[664] And this was written.

[665] It must have been written.

[666] Also, I mean.

[667] They must memorize a hundred scenes.

[668] and then the one that matches ours.

[669] They're way overthinking.

[670] They're way overthinking.

[671] I mean, doing a late night comedy show for just several decades, and you learn pretty quickly that it's really good to get out on a laugh.

[672] And so if someone says something interesting earlier on and mentions, you know, I wear a monocle and you get a laugh off of it and there's a good moment there, you always stash that in your back pocket and then when you're looking for the end of the scene and they're giving you the sign that like you should it's time to go to commercial you'd be like well you know and the person would say something you'd be like I think someone forgot their monocle and they're probably like what demonry demonry I say so they must flash some kind of beam into his retina like no I remembered from six minutes ago you said monocle you said notical and I thought Well, maybe that'll come handy later on.

[673] I'll just keep it around just in case.

[674] Oh, I see where it fits.

[675] Monaco.

[676] I think Christ has returned.

[677] He's a time, Lord.

[678] He simply knew this joke would land, so he mentioned it before because of this.

[679] Yes, yes, I figured it out.

[680] Your time traveler, who can go to the end of the interview because you already know, no, okay, okay, sure.

[681] Sure, I'm Jesus the time.

[682] I was going to ask you this.

[683] It's so funny.

[684] I miss you.

[685] I mean, I know that we're not, it's not like we've hung out that much.

[686] We spent an incredible time together on that great trip.

[687] But I love talking to you.

[688] I was in a, you know, I was pumped to talk to you today and really glad that you could do this.

[689] And, you know, it's nice.

[690] This is one of the things that I've really loved about the podcast is there are people who I want to I want to connect with them again and have just like a nice, long, uninterrupted conversation that I can monetize.

[691] I had you into the end, didn't I?

[692] I made money off you.

[693] Cha -ching.

[694] Thank you, Sam Richardson.

[695] No, I sold 800 mattresses while we were talking.

[696] I sold some sneakers that come in quarter sizes.

[697] What are they called?

[698] I forget.

[699] They're Adams.

[700] Oh, okay.

[701] Well, let's get those.

[702] Okay, thank you.

[703] Nicely done.

[704] Yeah.

[705] No, but I really do hope when this current time that we're in ends that we can just hang out because you are a joy, you're a joy to talk to, you're a joy to hang out with, you're so talented, and really a pleasure.

[706] You've added months to my life, not a year, but at least easily two months.

[707] Oh, great.

[708] Give me time.

[709] I'll take those back.

[710] So that's what's going to happen if we do hang out together.

[711] You'll get those two months back.

[712] And then you'll take more so that I die earlier than I would have.

[713] Exactly.

[714] And no one will suspect it.

[715] No, until they listen to the podcast, which is readily available wherever you get your podcasts.

[716] Hey, thank you very much, Sam.

[717] That was fantastic.

[718] Thank you so much.

[719] This was really fun.

[720] I really, really, really love it.

[721] All right, let's hang soon.

[722] And my best to your family, by the way, my best to your family, and tell them it was way.

[723] too much food I will I'll tell them specifically it was it was an angry it was an act of anger you'll eat a turkey then you'll eat a ham then you'll eat roast beast we want to see your stomach split it looks like yes the skin near his stomach is starting to tear oh more more eat this bookcase All right, Sam, you take care.

[724] Be well, all right.

[725] You too.

[726] Thank you so much for having me. On a past podcast, you mentioned how you met James Lipton's wife and he showed you, I believe, a naked painting of her.

[727] Well, first of all, let's clean up your story a little bit.

[728] You act like he walked around with a rolled up painting in his back pocket of his nude wife, which is really creepy.

[729] No, James Lipton, of course, Dean.

[730] of the actor's studio and TV personality and a wonderful guy in many ways.

[731] He did a lot of bits on our show over the years and was always fantastic and had me on his show.

[732] I went to dinner with him one night at Elaine's, the fabled restaurant, and then I'm just going to recap quickly, but he just, did you see that painting behind me?

[733] And I knew that his wife was dining with us and her name was Katakai.

[734] And I looked up and there was a painting of, this woman who was clearly the woman who was eating dinner with us.

[735] His wife, Katakai, naked.

[736] And it was hanging on the wall behind him and he took a big bite of steak and said, Katakai, as God made her.

[737] It's not that different than what you were saying because he clearly brought you to that table for that reason.

[738] He brought everybody.

[739] I think when he took an Uber, he would say, take me to Elaine's and then he would say to the Uber driver and come with me and sit across to me at this table and then ask me about that picture.

[740] behind me so I can say catechai as God made her.

[741] That's the story.

[742] Yeah.

[743] Then we've continually referenced that because you've wanted people to come up to you on the street and just yell catechai as God made her to you.

[744] Yes, yes I have.

[745] Yes, I have.

[746] And so since that has been mentioned on this podcast, a lovely listener named Margie Onder mentioned that she and her husband have been saying this to each other nonstop.

[747] Then they put their small child to sleep and got some interesting footage on the nanny cam and i'm going to share my screen right now and something interesting seemed to be coming from the small child sleeping or not sleeping i'm not sure but here it is i love that's this little kid who looks to be my god like a year and a half old going, It's hard to tell because it's just rolling under blankets.

[748] He's covered in blankets.

[749] I'm guessing it's a boy.

[750] I don't know.

[751] I don't know.

[752] Is it a boy or girl?

[753] You know what?

[754] It all has like a paranormal activity looks like because it's night vision.

[755] It's got that weird paranormal activity night vision thing.

[756] And it's you just see some a form rolling around underneath some covers going Ah meha.

[757] Oh no. Yes.

[758] I love it.

[759] Oh no. I love ruining a young person's brain.

[760] So young.

[761] I've got to add something to that, which is take a lot of walks now, as we all do during, you know, this pandemic.

[762] It's just my way of blowing off steam.

[763] And I was taking a walk.

[764] And I sort of walk really quickly when I was walking in my neighborhood.

[765] And I was walking in a part of my neighborhood where I never walk.

[766] And I'm down this part.

[767] And all of a sudden I just see a gentleman, I want to say maybe in his 30s and 40s.

[768] And then his father, who was maybe in his, I don't know, he looked like an older gentleman.

[769] And then a little kid.

[770] and I passed them and suddenly this guy turned around and said Katicai and God made her and I was like yes and the little boy was like yeah Katakai this guy made her and I'm like yes finally and I think if I'm remembering it correctly I hope I get this right it's a gentleman who seemed to be from the United Kingdom he had a British accent and his name was James or I don't know if it's James and Poppy he said just say that I said, who are you guys?

[771] And they said, James and Poppy.

[772] And I'm like, okay, got it.

[773] And I didn't have a pen or paper.

[774] So I took out a pen knife and carved that into my arm.

[775] So that I wouldn't forget it.

[776] And it got very badly infected.

[777] And yeah, so anyway, that was stupid.

[778] I shouldn't have done that.

[779] That was stupid.

[780] But I didn't want to forget James and Poppy.

[781] But yeah, it was so thrilling.

[782] And I'm telling you, when I say this, I mean it.

[783] If I'm walking around and you shout out to me, Katicai, as God made her, what you're doing for me is giving me another year of life.

[784] I believe it's that powerful for me. So stop doing it.

[785] What a horrible thing to say.

[786] Now we've got to figure out what's the phrase that will take a year of life away from me. I'm joking.

[787] No, you know what?

[788] He was going to like that joke, your mother.

[789] She does not like it.

[790] I know.

[791] Son, son, what would she say?

[792] Do it in her accent.

[793] No, she's just like, Sona, stop calling him a dickhead.

[794] Like, stop calling him a dickhead.

[795] Because your mom really likes me. Loves you.

[796] Why is she taking his side and not your side?

[797] I don't know.

[798] She actually said once that you rock USA.

[799] I have no idea why she likes you.

[800] First time I met Sona's mom, it was when Sona was just working for me and you introduced me to her mother and she went, oh, Conan, you rock USA.

[801] I know.

[802] I didn't mean it.

[803] And then I had her deported.

[804] Oh, God.

[805] Well, okay, now I do mean it.

[806] I feel bad about it.

[807] No, I feel bad about it.

[808] No, I felt bad about it.

[809] bad.

[810] I wasn't successful.

[811] I filled out the paperwork and I tried to have it.

[812] You went through so much trouble.

[813] It took me several months and it got tied up in the courts and it didn't work.

[814] I'm going to tell her you did that.

[815] Well, anyway.

[816] All right.

[817] If you want to give Conan a year of life, yell Katicai's God -Mater.

[818] If you want to take away a year, just say you rock USA.

[819] That's a good system now.

[820] That works.

[821] Yes.

[822] That's the new system.

[823] Yeah.

[824] Yeah.

[825] So let's see where we'll see.

[826] We'll, yeah, maybe I'll get 50 -50 and I'll just stay on.

[827] on track to pass away quietly at 65.

[828] Oh, my God.

[829] It's my people.

[830] We're just made of crud.

[831] Oh, I want to quickly mention something.

[832] It's important that you listen to the next episode of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend because we're doing something a little unusual, bit of a contest, but I think it's going to be fun.

[833] And, yes, it's long been my dream to sort of become a Willy Wonka -type figure.

[834] You mean a weird recluse just living in a castle?

[835] Well, achieved, check, got that part.

[836] And I do manufacture tons of chocolate.

[837] Matt and I are your oompa -loompas.

[838] I know, I was thinking that.

[839] You guys are, whenever we make the podcast, you guys, go, come in and go, umpa, loompa, umpah, doop -de -do.

[840] Let's...

[841] Magousha.

[842] We set up the audio equipment, a shout out to state farm and fracture.

[843] Okay.

[844] Anyway, my point is, just check it out.

[845] Listen for the next episode, and I won't say much more than that, but please help me realize my dream of becoming a Willy Wonka that's stranger and even more disturbing than the actual Willy Wonka.

[846] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[847] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[848] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[849] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[850] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[851] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[852] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[853] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[854] Got a question for Conan?

[855] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[856] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[857] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[858] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.