Amy Schumer

[0] Hi, my name is Amy Schumer, and I feel pretty good about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Was that too warm?

[2] No. I'm going to do it again, but make it a little colder.

[3] Hi, my name is Amy Schumer, and I am fully indifferent about being Conant's friend.

[4] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoe, Walk and lose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends We are going to be friends Hey there And welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend This is the podcast We'll talk about this a little later But this, as it turns out, is our final podcast Of our second season And we have an amazing guest today She's hilarious and she's very funny.

[5] I just want to point out that I talked to our guest, Amy Schumer, before all of the chaos and emotional horrors and convulsions that followed the killing of George Floyd.

[6] And we are in the midst of intense racial division right now and anger.

[7] And we're also that butted up.

[8] against COVID -19.

[9] And so we find ourselves in these very serious times.

[10] But I had this conversation with Amy Schumer, who I love, and she's just hilarious and delightful.

[11] And we had this conversation before any of the upheavals of the last week.

[12] So I wanted to make sure that we explained that to people.

[13] And so I know there are a lot of us out there, a lot of you out there, that would or could use some laughter and could use some silliness, and that is what that interview provides.

[14] But I also wanted to be completely honest and say that we're taping this segment now on the heels of everything that's happened over the last couple of days.

[15] So how are you guys doing?

[16] Sona, how are you?

[17] Um, yeah, I'm, I'm okay.

[18] Yeah, no one's, it's funny.

[19] No one's good.

[20] I ran into, I saw a friend of mine, this woman, and, uh, I said, how are you?

[21] And she said, I'm good.

[22] And she had her mask on.

[23] And this is, you know, two or three days into the riots over George Floyd's killing.

[24] And she said, I'm good.

[25] And then she just stopped in her tracks and she turned to me and she said, I lied.

[26] I'm not good.

[27] And I was like, I know.

[28] It's a reflex to say I'm good.

[29] I'm guessing you feel the same way, Matt.

[30] Yeah, I think so.

[31] I'm sad.

[32] It's a sad time for our country and all of the people at the core of this struggle or justice for George Floyd.

[33] Black lives, they're, like, they're the best of the country right now.

[34] So I'm trying to take some inspiration from it and let it push me into something and to do something.

[35] And my heart goes out to all of the people suffering.

[36] Yeah.

[37] Well, we have, you know, this making comedy at this moment is a strange thing.

[38] It's a strange task.

[39] And, uh, and at the same time, I do think people should hear Amy Schumer be really funny and awesome.

[40] And then after that, maybe we can talk about where we are at the end of the season.

[41] Does that sound like a plan?

[42] Yeah.

[43] All right.

[44] So when I was going to do it whatever you, no matter what you said, I was just going to plow ahead.

[45] Okay.

[46] Just being, if we're being honest, you know, you're okay, didn't influence me one way or the other.

[47] Oh, okay.

[48] You can go ahead now and introduce.

[49] My, do I have your permission, Sona?

[50] Yes, please.

[51] Go ahead.

[52] Thank you.

[53] Okay.

[54] My guest today is an absolutely hilarious comedian, as well as an actor, writer, and best -selling author, you know her from the Emmy Award -winning Comedy Central series Inside Amy Schumer and the movies Trainwreck and I Feel Pretty.

[55] On July 9th, you can see here in the new docu -series, expecting Amy on HBO Max.

[56] Very thrilled that she joined us for this conversation.

[57] Amy Schumer.

[58] Welcome, Amy.

[59] You know, we're going to start with, where are you?

[60] First of all, I would much rather be doing this in person.

[61] That's my favorite part of doing the podcast.

[62] I like people to smell me. That makes one of us.

[63] But this is now this weird way of doing it, but it actually has been working out fine.

[64] Where the hell are you?

[65] Okay.

[66] As I've said in my text messages, I'm not, I'm not going to tell you where I am.

[67] No, I'm on Martha's Vineyard.

[68] Yeah, but where exactly?

[69] I'll pin you.

[70] I'll drop you a pin.

[71] Okay.

[72] Yeah, my husband grew up here and, um, So we fled New York.

[73] Now, you're on an island.

[74] This is like where they send a dictator that's misbehaved, is they make him stay on an island.

[75] I like to think of it more as people with leprosy.

[76] Okay.

[77] You're a dictator with leprosy.

[78] Uh -huh.

[79] You've been sent.

[80] That's how I identify.

[81] Does being on an island add to the weirdness of the quarantine?

[82] I think you're right.

[83] I think it does.

[84] I hadn't thought about that.

[85] But it's all very weird.

[86] And it's also weird to go from New York where, I mean Manhattan, where I think they were like estimating 20 % of everyone was going to have it or something like that.

[87] Right.

[88] Right.

[89] And then come somewhere where there's been 29 cases total.

[90] But I think people are more afraid here than they were in Manhattan, which is, you know, so, you know, people are really freaking out here.

[91] And we're like, okay, but we're, you know, we've been here for a couple of months now.

[92] But we're like, we just came from where it's really everywhere.

[93] But here.

[94] it's like people walking around like in like hamster like human size hamster wheels to avoid contact and I'm like you guys are okay yeah you want to say to them we're on an island we've all been here for a couple of months uh no you know yeah the COVID can't afford the ferry it can't it just it's not going to be able to cough up the $65 to get over here and you know what happened on the ferry so you know having New York plates uh if you drive a anywhere out of New York right now.

[95] If you have New York plates, everyone is sure that you have it and that you are on purpose, like, driving around to try and spread it.

[96] And so we were on the ferry, we have New York plates.

[97] Like, okay, you have to stay in your car because you've New York plates.

[98] We're like, okay.

[99] And I had to pee so bad.

[100] And I, everyone knows where this is going.

[101] So I, with our nanny and our baby and my husband and our dog in the car, I had to pee in the car in, like, I peed in our dogs like portable bowl because I had to pee so bad and we were waiting because fairies kept getting canceled because of the weather and like I didn't think I was going to ever pee in a car in front of my nanny.

[102] I just didn't like plan on that and and it just kind of kicked the trip off like in a cool way like with a cool vibe but I wanted to respect the stay in your car.

[103] There's a lot of things.

[104] follow -up questions?

[105] Was it one of those collapsible dog bowl?

[106] Yes, yes it was.

[107] Did it go mostly in the bowl?

[108] No. No, it certainly did not.

[109] Where are you sitting in the car?

[110] Shotgun on that trip.

[111] So front seat.

[112] You know?

[113] Collapsable hot pink dog bowl.

[114] I'm going to point out something to our listeners.

[115] Please.

[116] Human urine is sterile.

[117] it's safe.

[118] You shouldn't be shot.

[119] You shouldn't be afraid of human urine.

[120] And I think what you did was a very responsible thing.

[121] I commend you because you did not leave the car.

[122] You respected the people around you.

[123] The people you didn't respect were the people in the car with you.

[124] The people in the car.

[125] That's a good point you're raising.

[126] Or your dog because your dog's going to drink out of that dog bowl.

[127] The dog knows you urinated in the bowl and we'll always know that.

[128] You're not wrong.

[129] You're not wrong.

[130] And she did, it did change the nature of our, of our relationship.

[131] Tatiana looks at me a little differently.

[132] Right.

[133] When I put her water down, she, she, you know, she throws me like a quick, quick check, like a quick look.

[134] Like, is this safe?

[135] and that's where I am but enough about me what about you have you been pissing in any cars in front of your family and I have you just described I've done in we have these really nice this really nice wooden salad bowl that we got for our wedding I've done it in that salad bowl but there was no reason for me to do it in the salad bowl we weren't trapped anywhere it was more of a compulsion I've done it several times and then I was caught recently.

[136] Oh my God.

[137] Yeah, it was, and so that's all getting worked out with lawyers and stuff at my house.

[138] This feels like a good, I don't know if you ever do polls on this show, but a poll of which is worse, you're peeing unnecessarily in a salad bowl versus my dog bowl.

[139] Who wore it best?

[140] I'm going to guess that 99 .9 % of the votes are going to be that you did what you had to do during a pandemic to keep the other people.

[141] people around you safe.

[142] And what I'm doing is a sick act of aggression against my wife.

[143] We might be surprised.

[144] We have, we have to let the people speak.

[145] We have to let them speak.

[146] You know, I know that you are, how old is, is Gene now?

[147] Gene is got to be how old now?

[148] Are we guess?

[149] I want to say, don't say weeks.

[150] I hate when people do weeks.

[151] Like, 172 weeks.

[152] Three million hours.

[153] Um, no, he's like a month, a year and a month.

[154] Wow.

[155] Okay.

[156] I've got to say that I know people, these are the people who I think are the, uh, obviously the medical workers and the people on the front lines are the real heroes.

[157] I think parents with a child that's anywhere up to four years old is a hero right now.

[158] Because my kids are much older.

[159] My kids are in their late 40s.

[160] yeah still it's still in crib still in cribs but yeah diapers it's yeah yeah it's fine yeah it's they're they're mentally it's just a choice uh but i i i have people that i work with that have two -year -olds and they're in quarantine with them in the lockdown that's different a one -year -old is the dream right now it's like a lap dog like he doesn't know he's not like why are we here you know like he's he doesn't know what's going on and we and i get to hang out with him all the time but does he sleep does he sleep oh yeah takes two naps a day sleeps through the night yeah oh i hate i hate you that's all oh yeah i'm garbage i don't want to i can't take any i'm not doing anything good for anyone my children never slept they still haven't slept uh it might be all the caffeine and we do a lot of cocaine but they have and you raised them outside is that correct yeah yeah we lived outside You did the Spartan model, is that?

[161] They lived in the yard.

[162] I didn't want them to see me peeing into the salad bowl.

[163] So they were in the yard.

[164] Yeah, that makes total sense.

[165] Yeah, I did things differently.

[166] That's how I did it.

[167] And I refused to be judged.

[168] My dream, Amy, is I want, listen, I demand to be listened to.

[169] And I think it's time as a man, a white man that I was listened to.

[170] It's your time to shine, girl.

[171] Say your dreams.

[172] Queen.

[173] No, you know what I really want to do?

[174] I've told this to Sona.

[175] I want to clap back at someone.

[176] I want someone to, right?

[177] Sona, I've said this too many times.

[178] Everyone now gets to post a picture of themselves and then 10 ,000 people will say, you look amazing.

[179] And then one person will say, oh, you know, maybe that's not the best bathing suit for you.

[180] And then they clap back.

[181] And then people online say, yay, you clap back.

[182] Good for you.

[183] And no one has, no one has shame.

[184] me um i don't go out and the paparazzi has no interest in me but i want to clap back at someone yeah and so yeah you want beef you want to you want to you want to get into a battle with someone well i mean i'd be happy to troll you on the internet yeah or even anything anytime you want to shame me for something you know i really like i really like bullying um friends or like celebrities online it's i have to It's something I have to keep myself from doing.

[185] Even today, Jessica Simpson posted a video, I mean, a photo, and I want to say I really like her and I really liked her book.

[186] But it was like got up and got my, like, worked out before my three kids are up and just got some me time.

[187] And she, like, is ripped right now.

[188] Like she's, and she's in this, like, sexy and her hair's done.

[189] And I wanted to just write to her, like, super.

[190] relatable girl you know yeah yeah but i don't but sometimes i do sometimes i one time i wrote to neal um digress tyson he was about covid and he and he said something about like isn't it amazing what like molecules and i wrote not now neal read the room neal read the room let's not sing the covid's miraculous praises right now yeah yeah i was like i was worried my mom i'm one of six kids.

[191] And one thing, and my mom worked and raised six kids.

[192] And you know what she didn't do?

[193] She didn't get up two hours early and work out.

[194] That's something that never happened in the 70s.

[195] It never, can you picture my mom doing that, Sona?

[196] My mom, just doing like, I can't.

[197] No, I can't.

[198] Sona, are you looking at the Jess picture?

[199] Like, can you pull it up?

[200] Yeah, I'm going to pull it up right now because I'm fascinated by this.

[201] I mean, and like, good for her.

[202] And guess what?

[203] If I looked like that, I would.

[204] do the same thing but i'm like it's just like what wait can you show the screen oh my god and wait what is it say it's like me time woke up before all three kiddos to get my steps in and spend time with me myself and i move move move for your own mental health oh my god and then take a picture of yourself yeah uh yeah you got to keep that to yourself it's like any celebrity right now just being like stay home it's like we can't really say that because you know it's different it's like if you're living in like a studio apartment and you have like two kids and you hate your spouse that's it's different than like no it's all these people were uh saying hey we're all going to get through this and in the background you could see that they're living in a castle and there's a line of masseuses in beekeeper outfits with gloves who were just ready to give them a tissue massage and they're like hey we can all get through this uh and i apologize for for sending that picture out uh and i've sent shelter and palace just like i'm quarantining with my acupuncturist and my tarot card reader yeah hey i want to ask you what do you think about comedians that get i'm talking i guess but more maybe about male comedians that get ripped that get really ripped i've always been a little because I've always thought we're not supposed to be and then I've seen some that really start working out a lot and I get confused.

[205] I'm glad you're bringing this up.

[206] I'm going to have to give it, I'm going to have to give it two big thumbs down.

[207] It's not, it's unnecessary.

[208] You know, something that was so relaxing to me. When I, I shot train wreck, this amazing movie that you guys would all love.

[209] I love train wreck.

[210] Thank you.

[211] I was, um, I was a size four in clothes.

[212] And people still were like saying that I was like a big girl and it was the best thing that could have happened because I realized I was already going to be classified that way and also like you know the reviews weren't like she you have to see how hot it was like I learned early like this isn't my thing yeah I'm going to just be I'm going to try to be funny and do work I'm proud of and like being hot and being skinny is not going to be my thing so when someone who's a funny person gets like jacked or ripped you're just like stop it it's also i could be wrong but i always thought being funny was my concession prize for for not you know what i mean it was it was my concession prize for like okay you didn't win the genetic lottery but we're giving you this goody bag on the way out and it's got it's got one of those candy rings you can lick and it's got your personality yeah That is your special wish.

[213] And that should help you procreate and keep the population going.

[214] Here's the stuff.

[215] You didn't get any of that.

[216] You should go now.

[217] You should leave this party.

[218] But here's this bag.

[219] And oh, and look what's at the bottom.

[220] You kind of can make people laugh.

[221] And I'd be like, yay.

[222] And they're like, and then please put that bag over your head.

[223] Thank you.

[224] Thank you.

[225] Yeah.

[226] And you should go now.

[227] You should go now.

[228] Yeah.

[229] I mean, because to be honest, like, I feel like I spent years trying to be hot.

[230] Like, because that's what you're taught.

[231] You're taught, like, being attractive is more important than anything.

[232] That's what, that's what society teaches you.

[233] You know, they can say all these children's book personality and differences, but what the kids around you are teaching you is be hot or you shouldn't even open your mouth.

[234] And then you realize, oh, they were telling the truth.

[235] And it's not, it's so exhausting to see a talented, fun.

[236] funny person trying so hard to be hot.

[237] Like we all know you're trying so hard to be hot.

[238] It's embarrassing for everybody.

[239] I got my lesson early on, which is when I got announced as the guy who was going to take over the late night show in 93, which is now 700 years ago.

[240] The first thing I read about myself was, well, NBC has made an interesting choice here and they may have made a smart move.

[241] He's got, you know, good comedy credentials because he worked on the Simpsons and started it live and he doesn't have you know they didn't pick a pretty clearly didn't pick a pretty boy for the role and i yeah and and and it's not like it like hurt my feelings i was kind of you know just like why'd you have to say that no they always need a disclaimer they're like she's round and cuddly looking you know and you're like you know or and you're like why these words and i mean whatever they say and and now but now they've gone the other way with like a site like daily male, you know, they'll be like, Olivia Wilde stuns in her sweatshirt, you know, just like some word that they attach to it.

[242] And then they're like, and Amy Schumer walks with her stroll.

[243] You know?

[244] But that's the thing with like all your, sort of as a woman, because a lot of your worth is, you know, it's changing, which is cool, but it's determined a lot of how attractive you are.

[245] And I wrote my college thesis on this about the male gaze and how all the movies we saw would be like the slow pan up from a woman's heel.

[246] And, you know, you're watching that as a woman.

[247] Like, this isn't how I see a woman walk in the room, you know?

[248] Yeah.

[249] I didn't know that you wrote a thesis on that.

[250] Yeah.

[251] Yeah.

[252] I mean, why would you know that?

[253] Unless you were like my teacher.

[254] Oh, you read my college works.

[255] No, I like to read.

[256] I'm always fascinated when someone writes a thesis because I wrote a thesis and it's, took it almost broke my brain and it ruined my senior year and so uh well wait you went to Harvard right yeah you're doing a commencement speech for Harvard tomorrow yeah right i'm doing it for the college they have a they have a university speech and they have a college speech so i already taped it and i guess it drops no one ever says that no one says hey my commencement speech for Harvard drops tomorrow but now i get to say that they should you should that would have been a perfect place to get beef.

[257] You should have, you know, you could have planted a seed or you could have opened yourself up to get trolled by something you said in your speech.

[258] I hope you didn't play it too safe.

[259] Maybe I did.

[260] Yeah.

[261] I didn't have the pressure on me that you had.

[262] But my thesis, it was talking about the female gays and a lot of the female characters in books and movies that we were exposed to and just how they were, you know, I mean, the male gaze, how it was just all, you know, from like something like Madam Bovary to citizen cane whatever it was like it's all it was all like and and and we didn't grow up seeing men sexualized very much you know it was never like if anything that became a joke you know that's it's just it's very different if you you know when you're like licking your hand and your nipple if I do that it's like a very different thing it's so hot if I do it is what I'm saying like you know ratings through the roof I was meeting it to be hot.

[263] So I don't know why you...

[264] Oh, I'm sorry.

[265] No, it is.

[266] Yeah.

[267] No, it's so...

[268] So hot.

[269] It's so hot.

[270] Take your hand away from your mouth.

[271] It's so...

[272] I'm sorry.

[273] I have a thing when I lie.

[274] I just...

[275] Yeah.

[276] I thought you were vomiting.

[277] That's crazy.

[278] You know, it's so...

[279] It's so...

[280] It's so...

[281] It's so funny, too, because we just happen to be living in this moment that really it's like an...

[282] It's a blip.

[283] but walk through any art museum in Europe, walk through the Louvre and the ideal of beauty or the canon of beauty has changed like so much.

[284] It used to be me. It used to be me, guys.

[285] What happened?

[286] No, no. What I'm saying is it's only recently that women have, or it seems to me only recently that the ideal has now shifted into being ripped for a while as being super skinny, like crazy skinny.

[287] For women?

[288] Yeah, for women.

[289] For women.

[290] And I think now for guys, it's almost, I mean, I'm glad the dad bod seems to be something that.

[291] Dadbot is it.

[292] Dad bot is fully it.

[293] Well, also, you know, 95 % of all of the art hanging in the whole world is by white men in all the museums.

[294] And that is your fault.

[295] It's my rule.

[296] It is your rule.

[297] And we will respect it.

[298] You know, when I go to an art museum.

[299] And this is a bit of a, this has gotten me in some trouble.

[300] But I do always say, excuse me, before I go in, this is art by white men, right?

[301] And they're always like, yeah.

[302] And I'm like, because are we clear on that up front?

[303] You said, because you don't want to waste your eyes time.

[304] That's what I've heard.

[305] You've been quoted as saying, I don't want to waste my eyes time.

[306] I've only got two eyes.

[307] And, yeah, that would go over really well.

[308] Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you the curator of this Louvre?

[309] I can only see work that's done by a white man. There, we all clear.

[310] Here I come.

[311] Are you German in that?

[312] I'm kind of, there's a little bit of Dutch.

[313] Oh, okay.

[314] Yeah.

[315] I could see that.

[316] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[317] Yeah.

[318] Here's something it just occurred to me. And let's say that Jean wants to get into comedy someday.

[319] You maybe not even have thought about this.

[320] I have, I have.

[321] It's so weird.

[322] I don't want my kids' feelings to ever be hurt.

[323] And so I don't like the idea of any of my kids being in show business or especially in comedy, which is so brutal.

[324] And then I've told my therapist and I've told people, well, I wouldn't want them to get hurt.

[325] And they say, isn't that funny?

[326] Because you've clearly, don't you like yourself?

[327] You've, you've been torn to shreds a million times.

[328] Why are you?

[329] Because, I mean, I feel the same as you, I think.

[330] And I think, I think Gene is so funny.

[331] Like, I think he has got that thing.

[332] Like, listen to it?

[333] He's one.

[334] And every parent probably feels this way.

[335] Right.

[336] But I think he has, like, a funny comedy face and vibe.

[337] But, I mean, in my personal experience and the experience of most people I know, the reason you get really funny is because you have a. pretty bad life.

[338] I mean, that's the truth.

[339] Like, I think, you know, you can have, like, a natural ability and you can be really funny.

[340] And, you know, Seinfeld is an exception to this because he always, like, claims that he's had, like, a good life.

[341] And I believe him.

[342] But everyone else I know had, like, a pretty tough childhood and, you know, family drama and every sports doc.

[343] You're like, let me guess.

[344] Was his dad hard on him?

[345] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[346] You win again.

[347] I love your girls.

[348] But that's, it's funny you bring that up because I thought the same thing about Seinfeld, and this is going to be a weird.

[349] Is this your beef?

[350] No, no, no. This is a weird connection to make.

[351] But they always say that all serial killers fit a profile, except for one, Ted Bundy.

[352] Ted Bundy was incredibly sociable and charming and could really connect with people.

[353] And that doesn't fit any of them.

[354] the profiles for serial killer.

[355] And in the same way of, and people are like, wow, he's a real outlier.

[356] No one can figure out Ted Bundy.

[357] And I've always thought, and this is no offense to Jerry Seinfeld.

[358] You think he's a murderer.

[359] I think he's the Ted Bundy of comedy.

[360] I think he's an outlier.

[361] I think he's murdered and he'll murder again if he's not stopped.

[362] No. I think he'd appreciate that.

[363] Yeah.

[364] Well, first of all, he likes to drive around in a car.

[365] And, you know, I'm just saying, and pick people up.

[366] And here's always getting a new car.

[367] He's always burning his old place.

[368] He's always getting rid of the old car.

[369] And also, I've noticed every time someone, most of the time, people, comedians do his show and drive around, you don't see them again.

[370] So I'm just putting that out there, you know?

[371] That is absolutely true.

[372] Yeah.

[373] So let me finish.

[374] We've established he's a murderer.

[375] And I hope, and I can't wait to clap back on this one.

[376] No, but what I'm saying is he always seemed like an outlier because he's obviously hysterically funny.

[377] He's incredibly talented, but there's a sense of he's very calm and content.

[378] It makes me mad.

[379] Yes.

[380] Makes me mad.

[381] It doesn't make sense.

[382] I don't understand it.

[383] It's been bugging me about him for a long time and it's, he's gotten away with it long enough.

[384] Yeah.

[385] I'll say that.

[386] Well, eventually he'll make a mistake and the police will keep.

[387] I hope so.

[388] I am watching him like a hawk.

[389] Oh, you know what?

[390] I really need to say this before I forget.

[391] Two things.

[392] I don't know if I've ever said to you before.

[393] One is maybe the first time I was on your show, you came backstage and you said, I really want to encourage you.

[394] And that made a really big difference to me. Oh, no. I'm glad.

[395] And that's really what you said.

[396] You know, we talked for a couple of minutes, but you said, I really want to encourage you.

[397] and that was kind of that was a big deal to me and I felt like I heard you and I understood what you were saying which was like like stick with it kid you know and John Krasinski told me this week that he worked with you and you know years ago is this the story that's out there probably I think people that he was I don't know what the story is but he was an intern on my show and he would come and watch and he would read the scripts and he would laugh the whole time and you were just you know he he made it sound like his position was sort of as low.

[398] on the totem pole as possible.

[399] And you were so kind and you made him feel appreciated.

[400] And I don't know if, you know, the producers on this call are thinking, like, this is not true and this is not my...

[401] He's changed.

[402] He's a lot.

[403] A lot has changed.

[404] This sounds like propaganda a huge lie.

[405] Okay.

[406] There's no way it's true.

[407] Okay.

[408] John Krasinski of Baltimore.

[409] This is a different guy.

[410] He was a bus boy.

[411] The furor was good with puppies.

[412] Yeah.

[413] He loved dogs.

[414] No, you know, it's Wait, but I have a question about the serial killer thing because Yeah.

[415] So I've been watching a lot of like cult things You know, like Waco was really good And, you know, wild wild country But that was a while ago But all these dudes, it's like whenever Somebody starts a commune Someday the leader always goes Maybe I should have sex with all the women Yes.

[416] The children, you know?

[417] You know, this is what this is what I've noticed time and time again is that the rule seems to be as someone with a lot of personality who's charismatic starts a cult and it's always a guy and he starts a cult and then one of the first things is you know and at first it all seems great and and and and this is Manson too and then it becomes by the way uh just a kind of a quick yeah Notion occurred to me, and I wrote it done on this post -it note.

[418] Oh, here it is.

[419] I get to fuck everybody.

[420] That is, I don't know.

[421] Did they ever make a sketch like that?

[422] Because that would be so funny if it's like a guy like, okay, today on the agenda, we're going to start growing our own rhubarb.

[423] Some people.

[424] So that's great.

[425] Lead with the rhubarb.

[426] We're almost finished in the bar.

[427] I want to thank you for that, Martin, mostly Martin's worth.

[428] And I'm going to thank you for that.

[429] to start fucking everybody.

[430] Yeah.

[431] And no one else gets to do that.

[432] Only me. Just me. And actually, you guys all have to stop having sex with your wives.

[433] Because now they're my wives.

[434] Okay, guys, I'm going to play a song.

[435] And you know what's really funny?

[436] I read this book once.

[437] This will get me in trouble.

[438] But I read this book about the birth of the Mormon movement.

[439] And it's fascinating because it almost reads like a comedy sketch.

[440] And I am not.

[441] degrading the religion, but there is stuff early on that's insane where the person who who comes up, he says, I was visited by an angel.

[442] And it's just crazy.

[443] I was visited by an angel.

[444] And he gave me some magic glasses that I can read and that only I can look through.

[445] And then there was a tablet and it told me everything.

[446] So come with me. And people said, well, we're the glasses.

[447] Can we see them?

[448] This sounds good.

[449] He's like, yeah.

[450] the glass maybe later yeah but anyway it gets to the point where it's like oh and i have an announcement to make i um get to have as many wives as i want you're like the glasses said all that yeah yeah exactly the glass i get to have all the women i want i can have all the women i want and people are like okay and they said and how is this and he says because i had a dream and the angel told me in a dream and visited me that i get to have all the women i want and that's and all the I want.

[451] And so people will say, okay, then later on, someone says, hey, guess what?

[452] I had a dream last night and an angel visited me. And the angel said, I can have sex with whoever I want.

[453] And so then the first guy says, oh yeah, an angel visited me and said, don't listen to the other angels.

[454] And it starts to sound like, seriously, like a really hilarious sketch.

[455] Yeah, children.

[456] No, no, no, no. My angel came and said, your angel's full of shit.

[457] No, my angel came back to me and said, your angel's a fuckhead.

[458] Yeah, well, my - There's a couple red flags.

[459] There's just a couple red flags there.

[460] I know, that's the thing, because, you know, you meet Mormons, and they're always so nice and good -looking, and I don't know, you're like, God, what?

[461] It's just like, and then, and then you find out the facts about the, you know, the way that it started, and you just go, are you still, am I still going to deal with you like a sane person?

[462] I would say, the only thing I would say is being right, I was raised Catholic.

[463] I think you were raised, were you raised Jewish?

[464] Yeah.

[465] Okay.

[466] Well, this, you know, this.

[467] You said you always wanted to be warned when a Jew is going to be on the show.

[468] Yeah, I was told to be, oh, shit.

[469] I'm supposed to get a, like a big Jewish star on the top of the.

[470] No, here it is.

[471] It says right here.

[472] She's Jewish, Conan.

[473] It just came through on my facts.

[474] Oh, okay.

[475] Yeah, I have a fax line still.

[476] Anyway, no, I was just going to say that whenever I start to find someone else's religion silly, I start to think about having grown up and going every Sunday to Mass and there's magical smoke and there's a cookie I eat and then the cookie turns into Jesus and then I drink some wine and I'm six.

[477] you know, I start to say, okay, okay, let's try and, I want to be accepting, but I do find it hilarious.

[478] There's a lot of red flags across the board.

[479] Yeah, I think Judaism is, you know, up there as well.

[480] Well, I know.

[481] I have to say I dated many women of the Jewish persuasion, and I love that religion.

[482] I absolutely love that religion.

[483] I think it's a sweet religion, I think it's a sweet religion, and I think it's a very warm, and emotionally intelligent religion.

[484] That's nice.

[485] It's also the only religion that doesn't recruit, you know?

[486] If anything, they're like, we're good.

[487] Why?

[488] We don't need it.

[489] Why should we?

[490] Yeah.

[491] And so the funny thing is Chris and I, so we're like, what should we do?

[492] Like, I really liked the food, the music and some of the traditions growing up Jewish.

[493] You know, I don't, I'm not like a big Godhead.

[494] but maybe we should raise Gene Jewish and we were like all right let's let's probably raise him Jewish and that was quick and then I was like he needs to be a Met fan and it was like probably a three day showdown us deciding if he was going to be a Mets so you know if he could be a Boston team fan or a New York team fan it was like an intense battle this is religion which was kind of quick where's Chris from he's from Martha's Vineyard so he's a Boston's fan He's a Boston fan.

[495] Yeah, as am I. I'm from Boston, so he and I will get.

[496] You guys are going to go to a lot of games?

[497] We're going to high -five each other a lot, which is going to be weird because we're going to be each in one of those VIP booths, but in separate ones.

[498] Yeah, that's very strange.

[499] I'll have to walk to his VIP booth and high -five him.

[500] I think Chris is depressed.

[501] I'm actually worried about him.

[502] Oh, really?

[503] Why?

[504] Because the Michael Jordan Dock ended.

[505] Yes.

[506] Yes, I know how he feels, yes.

[507] And like the Lance one is cool, but it doesn't pack the punch of the, when he wasn't watching the Jordan Dock, he was like reading about it or listening to a podcast about it.

[508] He'd be like, wait, did you see that?

[509] He'd rewind and make me watch things again.

[510] And now I don't really know what he has to live for.

[511] No, after the Michael Jordan documentary, a lot of us don't know what to live for.

[512] I swear to God, it was also genius that they didn't release them all at once and you had to wait each week for the new one to come out.

[513] And I built my life around it.

[514] And then you're right.

[515] There was a ton of just discussion in the press world and people saying other basketball players clapping back at Jordan for what he said about them.

[516] I'm just going to say clapping back as much as I can.

[517] And it was fantastic.

[518] And now it's over.

[519] And I don't love my wife anymore.

[520] No. No, you need to start a new.

[521] You should be a shaman.

[522] I see you doing a lot.

[523] of ayahuasca you got to change it up no he he really it's kind of there's a lull among men right now post -jordan doc like what's it all for uh amy i don't do drugs but if i did drugs i'd want to do them with you i would feel safe with you that's so nice yeah you'd be safe with me but what do you think if i did iowa have you ever done iowasca no i've really only had pot and and had mushrooms i've never even done coke or ecstasy yeah i missed my chance.

[524] Yeah.

[525] I feel like once you have a baby, you can't, like, try a new drug.

[526] Here's what I want to do.

[527] If it's cool with, yeah, that's the first thing the gynecologist tells you.

[528] Yeah.

[529] Hey, you have one egg left and you cannot do MDMA.

[530] Thank you.

[531] If I, let's say I, I'm very sure I've been very good.

[532] I've stayed home.

[533] I haven't talked to anybody.

[534] So I know that I'm, I'm, you know, I know I'm COVID -free.

[535] What if I came and visited you guys while you have a one -year -old child.

[536] Yeah, yeah.

[537] And you're living on an island.

[538] And let's just say that I did ayahuasca in your living room and stay.

[539] Oh, so we're not even doing it, too.

[540] No, you're not doing it.

[541] You guys have to monitor me at all time.

[542] Well, I do have a teepee.

[543] Gene has a little teepee.

[544] And I question every day if it's racist or not.

[545] I don't know if it's cool to be sort of, You know, what's the word, culturally appropriating a teepee for gene?

[546] I thought you were asking, is a TP an insensitive word?

[547] No, I mean, well, it's a TP.

[548] I call it a Native American A -frame.

[549] I don't know that that's what they want, you know?

[550] You know, when people try to be so culturally sensitive that they're actually insensitive?

[551] That you need to, like, shower after they say something.

[552] Oh, God, it's so awful.

[553] Yeah.

[554] So he has an A -frame.

[555] I will do, that's what I'm going to do.

[556] I'm going to make it out to Martha's Vineyard.

[557] I'm going to do ayahuasca and stay in your teepee.

[558] And I want you guys to check in on me like every two hours.

[559] Okay.

[560] We'll bring you water and like a bucket to vomit in.

[561] I need a dog bowl.

[562] I just need a dog bowl to pee in.

[563] Okay.

[564] Those are being used.

[565] I'm sorry.

[566] I'm using those for my business.

[567] I see.

[568] I understand.

[569] Hey, how's the cooking show?

[570] Yesterday, and I was, I'll be very honest with you, I was, there are a time.

[571] where they say, oh, you're doing this podcast tomorrow, and sometimes I'm more excited than others, I was very much looking forward to this podcast.

[572] I really...

[573] Is that true?

[574] It is.

[575] It is true.

[576] Because I don't know why you would suspect why you would question that, but...

[577] Well, just I don't want to do anything.

[578] Like, I assume you just don't want to do anything.

[579] Well, you know what?

[580] I like, and I miss. I very much miss. And I know you've had this experience too, where your job is you're surrounded by really funny people.

[581] And I love my family and they're funny, but I've heard the jokes.

[582] And And they're tired.

[583] And they're tired of me. I'll say it.

[584] They're getting hackneyed.

[585] They're hackneyed.

[586] Yeah.

[587] Yeah.

[588] Their stuff is, I don't know.

[589] It's very derivative.

[590] But I, yesterday I pick up the New York Times and this is very nice article about you and your husband and your cooking show.

[591] And so I was reading it.

[592] And then I was like, hey, I get to talk to her tomorrow, which was excited.

[593] All right.

[594] Oh, that's nice.

[595] Which was nice.

[596] I was like.

[597] And then, of course, I was walking around the house saying, see?

[598] She's in the paper, and I get to talk to her tomorrow.

[599] And people were like, oh, you've got to calm down.

[600] Yes, sir, please.

[601] She's on the front page.

[602] Yeah.

[603] We got the paper.

[604] And it was, you know, it was a photo shoot over FaceTime.

[605] And I was like, great.

[606] We should always do this.

[607] But we have a cooking show.

[608] And your husband is a professional chef.

[609] He's the real deal.

[610] He is.

[611] He's the real deal.

[612] And the Food Network said, do you want to make the show?

[613] And we were like, yeah, like, well, it'll keep us sane and we'll be busy.

[614] I didn't anticipate that I wasn't going to want to be busy.

[615] It's like, you know, I still had a writer's room going on.

[616] We were filming the show.

[617] And like, I'm very happy to not be having to do anything much right now.

[618] Yeah.

[619] But is that a good way to promote our show?

[620] Yes.

[621] Yes.

[622] I think it's really funny.

[623] Like, Chris and I, they send us cuts.

[624] and we watch it with our nanny who's on the show and we are laughing hysterically because it's just like just watching a married couple be real like a married couple who likes each other a lot but still get really annoyed with each other and don't try and hide it you know like we are really snotty to each other and I don't like all the food and I don't know what I'm doing Anyway, I really haven't been doing a good job doing press for the show.

[625] But we're actually proud of it and we think it's really funny.

[626] Well, here's the thing.

[627] This brings up something I wanted to ask you about because it's something I struggle with and I don't know that you do, which is I've had a problem in my life sometimes about caring too much about my work or my comedy.

[628] I care a lot about it.

[629] and then sometimes that gets in the way.

[630] And I've actually found that I've done really good work sometimes when I just didn't care and let it go.

[631] You should say all this to our friend, Robert Schmeigel.

[632] Yeah.

[633] How did I know he had come up now?

[634] Yeah.

[635] Robert Smigel was our, well, he and I had been, we wrote together on Senate Live and then he was probably.

[636] Triumph.

[637] Yeah, triumph, brilliant head writer on the show.

[638] He's my good, he's my good friend.

[639] Like, I really love, I love him.

[640] Oh, yeah.

[641] I was like the other night I was like watching the Jordan doc I was like oh my god I think I wonder if he wrote the bears that sketch you know I was like I wonder if he was yeah and I texted me he was like I did oh do you hear my dog yeah I hope I hope that's your dog I know oh do you hear my son how is your son by the way you know when you're talking about your cooking show and you say look I'm I don't always know know what we're doing, and I didn't know that I'd be wanting to do anything, but I like it, and it's good.

[642] It's sort of not your business how you get there.

[643] Do you know what I mean?

[644] Yeah.

[645] And you being yourself is very funny.

[646] And your authenticity, I think, and your honesty about yourself has been just such a huge part of your career.

[647] I like people who are honest about the bumps.

[648] And that's what I like.

[649] It's also hard.

[650] I think it's like some people are probably pretty relieved when I'm out of the room, and that's a cross to bear.

[651] But I can't, like, I'm supposed to have a Zoom.

[652] I mean, this must have happened to you over the years where you're like, we'd like you to Zoom with this person, this person, this person for, you know, a project that's coming up.

[653] I'm like, I already know I don't want to work with them.

[654] I really don't want to waste their time.

[655] That's why I'm not going to last in this business.

[656] No, you're through.

[657] Look at you.

[658] You're living on an island.

[659] The pandemic's been over for six months.

[660] What?

[661] Yeah, and no one's called you.

[662] What are I doing on this island?

[663] The cooking shows aren't even airing.

[664] No one's going to see them.

[665] They're just, it's just, there's no tape in the, in the, in the, there's no tape.

[666] This is.

[667] I love how old I am.

[668] They've actually outdated that.

[669] Yeah, I think, um, it's crazy that I know how to cook anything now.

[670] It was kind of relaxing, not knowing.

[671] Now it's like, Chris is making dinner and I'm like, all right, what can I do to help?

[672] Well, at least you've got that enthusiasm that will power you through a long marriage.

[673] I'm a great wife.

[674] Amy?

[675] Conan.

[676] I've kept you long enough.

[677] And this is absolutely a delight.

[678] Seriously, I'm proud to know you and just very happy for you.

[679] You've done you've had a beautiful career.

[680] It's over now.

[681] What?

[682] I'm happy to be your friend.

[683] I really want you to see my baby.

[684] Can I bring him over here?

[685] sure do you have time no no i don't have time to see your baby we're of course i want to see the baby you're not to speak i'm sorry everyone's like ugh leave us alone we have our families we want to see but no no we want to see a baby babies are great look at the baby he's playing outside christmas together we just kind of lock him out well that's great on an island uh yeah he's down by the shore uh he should be fine he gets it he's fun he's fun Kids are really good by the shoreline playing in the waves.

[686] You're going to like him.

[687] And wait, you need to tell me if you think he's got it.

[688] Okay.

[689] And trust me, no one knows like me. You are the industry.

[690] I am the Oracle in comedy.

[691] That's what we call you.

[692] Yeah.

[693] It doesn't really roll off the tongue, but it's what I am.

[694] I will look at Gene, and I will tell you instantly if he has it or if he doesn't have it.

[695] I think he has, like, a Don Rickles.

[696] Like, I think he has got it.

[697] Okay, you have to be the judge.

[698] Okay, okay.

[699] Hold on.

[700] Here we go.

[701] This is exciting.

[702] This is a lot of pressure on me. Hello.

[703] Oh, yeah.

[704] Oh, honey.

[705] Oh, yeah.

[706] Hi.

[707] Hi.

[708] Hi.

[709] Hi.

[710] I'm a little pinini.

[711] Oh, what a sweetheart.

[712] I'm an older white man. Hi.

[713] Don't be afraid.

[714] Oh, my God.

[715] He's beautiful.

[716] Uh -oh.

[717] What if he's too good looking to be in comedy.

[718] Are you cute?

[719] He is so good looking.

[720] This is your big industry moment.

[721] Can you wave high?

[722] Yes.

[723] I'm my generation's Carson Daly.

[724] You got the part here.

[725] He is good.

[726] He is so good looking.

[727] What an expressive face.

[728] Uh -oh.

[729] Hi, he's laughing.

[730] He thinks he's talking to his grandmother.

[731] All right.

[732] Does he have it?

[733] He has it.

[734] But what?

[735] if it's not comedy it?

[736] What if it's leading man it?

[737] You think is he a handsome guy?

[738] He is a handsome guy.

[739] He might be, you know what he could do?

[740] He could do light comedy, but still get leading man roles like Brad Pitt.

[741] Uh, okay.

[742] Okay.

[743] So Gene could be the Brad Pitt of comedy, you're saying.

[744] Yeah, well, Brad Pitt's pretty funny.

[745] And he is funny.

[746] Yeah.

[747] Okay.

[748] Do you mind if I put that on his little resume if I become a stage mom?

[749] Yeah.

[750] Conan O 'Brien says, has a Brad Pitt ability to be both leading man and play light comedy.

[751] And you know what?

[752] That is going to open a lot of doors.

[753] So many doors.

[754] That is going to be a major stepping stone for him.

[755] Yeah.

[756] Just say podcaster Conan O 'Brien.

[757] Okay.

[758] From the podcast world.

[759] Well, that's how I get brought up on stage now.

[760] They go, what do you want me to say about you?

[761] I say, say, I have a podcast.

[762] Yeah, yeah.

[763] And that's what I'm most proud of.

[764] This was really fun.

[765] And I do, thank you for showing me the little guy.

[766] He is gorgeous.

[767] He's looking for representation.

[768] All right.

[769] I will, I want 15%.

[770] Okay, great.

[771] Amy, I'm looking forward to seeing you in person sometimes soon.

[772] But, and in the meantime, be well on your island, and I'm really happy for you.

[773] Thank you so much.

[774] All right.

[775] Bye.

[776] Good to see you guys.

[777] Bye.

[778] Bye.

[779] It is sort of mind -boggling.

[780] This is now the end of our second season.

[781] It feels like we just started doing this podcast, doesn't it, to you guys?

[782] Oh, I feel like I've lived a lifetime.

[783] I know.

[784] I don't agree with that at all.

[785] I, this felt like eons.

[786] I've aged 28 years.

[787] Yeah.

[788] Well, well, I guess being around the intense glare of...

[789] Oh, God.

[790] Your skin?

[791] Oh.

[792] No, no, that's not where I was going.

[793] I meant the...

[794] bright, bright white hot light of my creative genius has probably aged you prematurely, but better to fly close to the sun and have your wax wings burn off goarly and fall to earth and know that you almost touch the face of God than live the ordinary life you were living before you were ushered into the chamber of Conan O 'Brien.

[795] And folks, play that back.

[796] That's one of the most insane things I've ever said.

[797] Yeah.

[798] That was impressive.

[799] Yeah, really impressive.

[800] But yeah, it's the end of, I guess, I think we did 36 episodes this season, 36 episodes last season.

[801] I think we did eight Dana Carvey episodes.

[802] You add all those up.

[803] There's four good episodes in there.

[804] I kid!

[805] I joke.

[806] I Josh.

[807] I jest.

[808] I'm very proud of the conversations we've had and the tomfoolery and chicanery.

[809] It's been a really good time.

[810] did want to point out.

[811] Some people think, what's that?

[812] Would you say something?

[813] I don't know.

[814] Sometimes your words are stupid.

[815] What are you talking about?

[816] I just said tomfoolery and chicanery.

[817] I know, but before you're like, Josh and we smosh and we, yeah.

[818] No, with Josh, we jest.

[819] Yes.

[820] We have our japes.

[821] Yeah, sometimes you and our jiblery or chicanery.

[822] Like, just talk normally.

[823] I am speaking normally.

[824] I am a man from the early 19th century.

[825] I'll say.

[826] Who?

[827] who was catapulted mysteriously into the 21st century.

[828] And I'm not going to sit here and listen to your balderdash.

[829] This is how I speak.

[830] I love those words.

[831] I get angry that people don't use them more often.

[832] Faldoral.

[833] Faldaral.

[834] This falderall.

[835] Yeah.

[836] I know that I'm saying that this is the wind down, the end of the second season, but it really isn't because we have some interesting, fun things in store for the summer.

[837] That's all I'll say.

[838] I'll just put that out there, that maybe there might be a little something interesting happening over the summer in this space.

[839] What are you guys going to do for your summer breaks?

[840] We're not going to see each other.

[841] Well, the world is burning, so I think I'll just stay in my house.

[842] What are you going to do for your low -key apocalypse?

[843] Sorry.

[844] Thanks for it.

[845] That was great, Sona.

[846] What great energy.

[847] I'm sorry.

[848] Well, the world's burning, so I'll just stay in my house.

[849] I'm, you know when people get too physically fit, like they, and two muscle bound, they have to go through the long process of taking their body back to a normal size and shape.

[850] That's what I'm going to be spending my son.

[851] Oh, God.

[852] Come on.

[853] Yeah, no, it's just too much.

[854] We can see you.

[855] We can see you.

[856] Oh, that's right.

[857] This is, I forgot that we're on Zoom.

[858] We're in separate locations.

[859] I honestly forgot you guys could see me. So I thought maybe I could get away with saying that I put on.

[860] a lot of muscle.

[861] Uh -huh.

[862] You even have the enhance filter on, don't you?

[863] The cosmetic filter.

[864] I have the enhanced filter on, and I'm standing in front of a cardboard cutout of Jaude Klan Van Dam from 1986, and still no one's buying it.

[865] Oh, God.

[866] Yeah.

[867] I don't know what I'm going to do.

[868] Excuse me. Did you just say Jad Klaude von D 'am?

[869] Yeah.

[870] What was that pronounced?

[871] I didn't want to say it, but I'm glad you pointed it out, girls.

[872] Here's what I like to do.

[873] When someone has a name that's fairly well known and it's a foreign name, I like to change it a little bit to make it look like I'm in the know.

[874] So I could have said Jean -Claude Van Dam, but I said, Jean -Claude Van Dam.

[875] I put a Jod up front.

[876] And I did it on purpose because it's my way of saying, oh, out there people are subconsciously thinking, he must know he's friends with Jean -Claude Van Dam because he knows to call him Jodd.

[877] And what status that will buy you?

[878] I know.

[879] What are you talking about?

[880] Like, people are going to be like, oh, he's friends.

[881] because he mispronounced his name?

[882] No, just that I have, that's the way, do you know what I mean?

[883] People who are really good friends have little nicknames or little shortcuts for each other.

[884] I call him Jod.

[885] Jod -Claude on top.

[886] Your nickname for Jean -Claude van Damme is Jean -D.

[887] Jean -Claude.

[888] It's so stupid.

[889] That's what he likes to be called.

[890] If you're out there and you run into this Belgian Wunderkin, try it.

[891] Say, hey, Jod, Claude.

[892] and you will get a very warm reception.

[893] I promise you that.

[894] Speaking of that, has anyone come up to you on the street and gone, Caddicay as God made her?

[895] No, no one's done that yet.

[896] Now, to be fair, I'm wearing a mask when I'm outside, and I'm never outside.

[897] So nobody's done that.

[898] But I, if I had one, I hope people do hear that episode and where James Lipton, the dean of the actor's studio, It's a story.

[899] Which episode is that from?

[900] Do you remember?

[901] I don't remember.

[902] A few episodes ago.

[903] Okay, well, you're the producer.

[904] Anyway.

[905] I'm not an encyclopedia.

[906] Well, a producer should know, encyclopedically, every episode.

[907] Anyhoots, James Lipton looked up at a nude painting of his wife.

[908] He said, catachy, as God made her.

[909] And I've put it out there that if you encounter me in the world, I look, as I say, like a very tall Swiss woman, I encourage you to come up to me and go, Katakai!

[910] Someone is also, many people have pointed out, that she's also the woman on the box of the Clue game.

[911] She's Miss Scarlet.

[912] Is that true?

[913] Katakai, yeah.

[914] How do people know these things?

[915] I don't know.

[916] I guess if you routinely play the game Clue, you probably know all kinds of stuff.

[917] Yeah.

[918] What?

[919] Yeah, what?

[920] Wait a minute.

[921] I just said, yeah, I just took that blindly.

[922] I'm with Sona.

[923] What?

[924] Corley, you just were like, yes, that's a deep, profound thought.

[925] I can't believe I did that.

[926] Yeah.

[927] It's a game that encourages one to suss out the inner truths, the hidden nooks and crannies.

[928] I don't know.

[929] What are you talking about?

[930] I've been inside.

[931] There's just a lot going on in the world right now.

[932] Oh, is that why you're not making sense?

[933] Maybe I've been day drinking.

[934] Okay.

[935] That makes more.

[936] That's more on brand.

[937] It's possible.

[938] You'll never know.

[939] You can't tell.

[940] Well, what a great season, huh?

[941] Hey, I think it was a great season.

[942] And Gorley, you're going to do a few chip chops and flip -flops to this, right?

[943] You're going to make a few snips and cuts.

[944] Oh, yeah.

[945] And this is going to come out just fine.

[946] I'm very proud of this season.

[947] I really did.

[948] I honestly love making this podcast, and I love hanging out with you guys.

[949] And I'm looking forward to us all being in the same room someday.

[950] in the near future, because I like to torture you while I can see you and just smell the anger coming from your pores.

[951] That's what I want.

[952] So I'm looking forward to that.

[953] You want like a pheromone response.

[954] Yes.

[955] By the way, the catechai story is from the J .J. Abrams episode.

[956] I just remembered that.

[957] Wow.

[958] It has nothing to do with the message Adam just sent all of us that said catechai is from the J .J. Abrams episode.

[959] What did you do that for?

[960] People listening don't know that there's a little chat bar and that I'm being fed information.

[961] Why couldn't you just think, what'd you do that for?

[962] People want to believe in their heroes, Sona.

[963] They want to believe in me. They want to believe Michael Jordan can fly.

[964] They want to believe Conan really does remember which podcast episode the Catechai story is from.

[965] I'm sorry.

[966] You just told a bunch of people there is no Santa Claus.

[967] Oh, yeah, everyone really believed you just remembered that out of nowhere.

[968] Sure they did.

[969] There's nothing that guy can't do.

[970] And by that guy, I mean me. I said it because no one else will.

[971] Okay.

[972] That wraps up our final episode of the second season, as I said.

[973] And I have really enjoyed making this show.

[974] I hope.

[975] Sony, you've had a good time making the show, haven't you?

[976] Oh, I loved it.

[977] I know that there was a lot going on this season, but this was, you know, a small little bright light amidst all the...

[978] Craziness.

[979] Shit.

[980] Okay.

[981] Craziness.

[982] Okay.

[983] All right.

[984] Well, I've always thought of this podcast as primarily being for children, but you screwed that up.

[985] Sorry.

[986] No, I will say that.

[987] You know, just for me personally, and I hope for some people out there, but yeah, that's an interesting point.

[988] Being able to get together with you guys and with all these talented people that we make the podcast with throughout COVID -19 and even through this last week of just, just, you know, terrible emotional upheaval.

[989] And in America, it is nice to come together.

[990] I have that's meant a lot to me. I am looking forward to a third season, which will start probably sometime late summer, early fall.

[991] I don't know exactly when.

[992] And my hope is that when we all get back together again to launch the third season of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend that our world is in a better place.

[993] That would be nice.

[994] So that's my wish, Sona.

[995] I know I'll continue to see you throughout the summer because you have to work for me. Gourley, I won't be seeing you for a while.

[996] Yeah, I guess this is goodbye for a little bit.

[997] Yeah.

[998] Wow, you sound like a sad Eeyore there.

[999] You know, so I guess.

[1000] Was it sad or was it relief?

[1001] It sounded a lot more.

[1002] Did you get sadness?

[1003] Oh, you did?

[1004] Well, then it works.

[1005] I got the sadness of a man who wouldn't see his hero for like two months.

[1006] That's what I got.

[1007] I'm telegraphing what I need to to the right people.

[1008] Okay.

[1009] All right.

[1010] Spoken like a true prisoner of a madden.

[1011] All right.

[1012] I am blinking at the camera right now.

[1013] Yeah.

[1014] Always good to, always good when you're held hostage to blink during a podcast.

[1015] At the microphone.

[1016] Listen.

[1017] At the microphone.

[1018] Do you want to hear my eyelashes on it?

[1019] Yeah, you really need it.

[1020] You really need people with great, great digital earbuds.

[1021] I hear, I hear eyelashes flapping in SOS.

[1022] Save me. This man is insane.

[1023] This podcast is the act of a madman.

[1024] All right.

[1025] All right.

[1026] Everyone be well.

[1027] Stay safe.

[1028] And we will be talking to you very soon.

[1029] I will miss you guys.

[1030] I will miss you too, Gurley.

[1031] And I'll miss you interrupting me. Sona, I'll miss you.

[1032] I'll miss all of you.

[1033] And farewell.

[1034] Farewell for now.

[1035] That ended it's too scary.

[1036] Farewell.

[1037] Farewell for now.

[1038] He can't end.

[1039] It can't end.

[1040] Why is this so hard for you to end?

[1041] Just say thank you.

[1042] Goodbye.

[1043] I'll see you next time.

[1044] I have a close relationship with America and it's hard for me to say goodbye.

[1045] Why don't you give us one final catechai?

[1046] Catechai!

[1047] As God made her.

[1048] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonomof Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1049] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1050] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1051] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1052] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1053] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1054] The show is engineered by Will Bechtin.

[1055] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1056] Got a question for Conan?

[1057] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1058] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1059] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1060] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.