Do This to Get Your Kids to Change

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[23] Hey everybody.

[24] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[25] You can find us celebrate calm .com.

[26] Hey, just wanted to share with you today some insight into what your kids are thinking, what's really inside of them.

[27] And this kind of came out while I was speaking on this last trip.

[28] And we have an awesome opportunity because we are on the East Coast.

[29] We're in the middle of the country in Kansas City, down to Arkansas, to Dallas, all the way to California and the West Coast.

[30] And so it gives us a really unique insight because we get to talk to parents all over the country, big cities, little towns, wealthier people, poorer people, middle class people, blue collar, white collar, everybody, religious people, non -religious people.

[31] And you get to see kind of all across the country, parents struggle with the same exact things, no matter what kind of home they come from, what kind of neighborhood they're in.

[32] We all struggle with the same thing, especially with strong will kids.

[33] And what becomes very crystal clear is that our anxiety as parents is our biggest enemy because we keep, you know, if you keep lecturing, if your kids can't live up to your potential, if you keep getting on your kids and micromanaging them, they will shut down, they will resist, they will give up, they will become defiant, right?

[34] And it just happens.

[35] And it's just driven home.

[36] I got a really cool email.

[37] One of the best parts of traveling is we can speak to so many people, but also a lot of men.

[38] My dad's come out to the workshop.

[39] So I just got this email from a dad.

[40] And he's like, hey, one of those skeptical guys you talked about, right?

[41] Like, I'm not going to come and, you know, He needs to change.

[42] And the guy, dad said, you know, it's kind of that guy that you talked about who comes home from work and her Legos all over the floor and everything's kind of out of order and the kids aren't listening or sitting at the dinner table.

[43] My son can't stand, sit still and I get on him.

[44] And he said, it just does this every single night.

[45] And what I realized when you were speaking, this is what dad's saying is, you're right.

[46] Because at work, at the office, when things aren't working, I immediately think like, okay, we need to change our strategy, our tactics.

[47] Let's look at this from a fresh perspective.

[48] But at home, I kept doing the same thing again and again and again, hoping that one day my kids would listen and he, like me, found he was drawing apart from his kids, right?

[49] Because they wouldn't listen.

[50] He'd get upset at them.

[51] He'd be like, well, they just need to change.

[52] And he could justify it like we all can because our kids are difficult.

[53] But he said, I went ahead.

[54] I bought your package of CDs, started listening to them.

[55] And he said, I have to admit, they're really good and they're helping.

[56] So here's the one thing he passed on that I wanted to pass on.

[57] I do this a lot when I'm talking to parents of younger kids of saying, hey, do the opposite of what you normally do when you come home from work.

[58] Because if you come home from work and you're frustrated and you just come in the house and you start picking on everything that's wrong, your wife's not going to be like, thanks so much for coming in and bringing some joy into the home and point out.

[59] And point me out, everything that's going wrong, right?

[60] It's not helpful.

[61] So a couple things I've mentioned is, and this is what the dad said, he said, I came home and I did that take a knee thing, like a quarterback does, because a good quarterback comes into the huddle, takes a knee, and by changing his body posture and his tone of voice, begins to lead his team with confidence.

[62] And the dad said, I've started to do that.

[63] I walk in home, and I take a knee, and I've noticed my kids come to me instead of running away from me and scattering.

[64] I've noticed that they listen to me more because I come in and what I usually model at the workshops is come in and say I take a knee and the first thing I point out is a couple things I like about my kids, what they've done.

[65] Start with something positive.

[66] And then I can say, hey guys, here's the deal.

[67] I've got a really busy afternoon coming up.

[68] Here's where I need your help.

[69] You and I, we're going to get started on dinner.

[70] Listen, Jason, if you go and help mom out with X, we'll be done.

[71] Boom, we'll be able to take off for your taekwondo class or we'll have time to play whatever it is.

[72] But watch the tone of voice, I'm leading, right?

[73] And I'm leading from a place of calm, authoritative leadership.

[74] And I want dads to know that, and moms too.

[75] I want you to be very authoritative.

[76] But just coming in and getting upset and yelling doesn't make you the authority figure authoritative.

[77] It makes you out of control.

[78] And then your kids know that they're in complete control, right?

[79] I've used this example as well.

[80] And with his dad, what he talked about was calming his kids down, that all he ever did before was, you guys need to calm down.

[81] Stop it right now or else.

[82] And everybody used to get more upset.

[83] So he came in, and as he heard on the CDs, I do this thing with push -ups, right?

[84] Where when kids are getting upset, sometimes with little kids, I'll do something very physical.

[85] but what I love is for a dad to come home sometimes at night, mom as well.

[86] Say, guys, listen, I'm frustrated.

[87] Work was tough today.

[88] Boss was all over me. Traffic backed up.

[89] You guys do some push -ups with me. And you know what the dad in the home or the mom in a home is just modeled?

[90] When I have a bad day, when things don't go my way, when I'm frustrated and irritated, instead of slamming doors and yelling, my dad does push -ups.

[91] And I guarantee you, when you as the adult begin doing these things and controlling yourself, your kids will begin controlling yourselves.

[92] And that's what this dad wrote.

[93] And he said, you know, I never looked at it that way, but it's really coming home that when I control myself, my kids follow.

[94] My home is changing.

[95] And it's not by changing my kids.

[96] It's by controlling myself.

[97] So I wrote back, kudos to dad.

[98] If you need help with anything at any time, just write to me because I love helping anybody who invests in our stuff and is working at this.

[99] I will help you through this through all the different stages.

[100] And I hope that I'm still talking to this dad as his kids become teenagers.

[101] He's got this really close bond with his kids, but they're pushing the limits, right?

[102] And so I also wrote to the dad and I said, hey, swatch this week, we're doing a special on all those CDs that you bought plus other stuff.

[103] It's going to be cheaper than you bought.

[104] He wrote back and he said, I don't care.

[105] It's worth every penny.

[106] Nothing else, none of the testing therapy, none of the other stuff we did with our kids ever worked.

[107] so I don't care that it's cheaper this week.

[108] So I'm happy.

[109] My family's changing.

[110] I'm changing.

[111] So thank you for that dad.

[112] And for all the moms and dads out there who are working on it, this so hard.

[113] But just so I don't forget, go to the website, celebrate calm .com.

[114] This is really cool.

[115] We're doing a sale on everything we've ever put together.

[116] This is all 11 CD programs.

[117] You can get his instant downloads to multiple devices.

[118] It's our no BS program, which I love.

[119] and that I think it's foundational and you have to listen to that and go through those 25 action steps, it's critically important to do this to build the right relationship with your child so they don't shut down.

[120] There's a program for ADHD and there's a program even for your marriage.

[121] And even if you're not married, it helps because it goes through how to have solid relationships, right, really work on tough stuff.

[122] And we're doing all of that for 50 % off, but that's only for a week.

[123] after that we're not even going to run any sale on this program until 2020 because we have other stuff it's just a big sale that we anyway it's 50 % off go to the website find it if you need some help with it email my son Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com it's really cool but we're only doing it for a week so let's get into this some things I wanted to share with you that kind of came out when I was speaking some things I want you to hear about your kids as if they could talk to you about these issues, as if they had enough self -awareness to say these things.

[124] Because what your kids usually say is, I'm not doing it.

[125] You're dumb.

[126] You're stupid.

[127] Or they just sit there and they ignore you completely, right?

[128] Which is sometimes even worse.

[129] Right?

[130] And they come out with disrespectful, defiant things they tell you.

[131] And then you react to it and becomes an awful mess.

[132] So here, I want you to hear some things from your kids.

[133] kids' voice as if they could tell you these things because I think it will be a little bit more impactful that way.

[134] So let's start with this one because I think that it's really foundational and what most of your kids would tell you if they could, right?

[135] And here's one of them.

[136] This could be kids of any age.

[137] Mom, dad, I know what you want.

[138] I know what you're after because I see how you live your lives.

[139] But I just want some space to try to do things without you nitpicking and micromanaging and lecturing me on how to do it better.

[140] Please just give me some space.

[141] Let me figure it out myself.

[142] Right?

[143] Let me make some mistakes.

[144] Let me figure it out.

[145] And if I were saying in different words for some of your other kids, and I don't want this to offend you, but sometimes I like to say things in more blunt ways because for some of you it helps get it through to you you know some of your older kids could tell you this honestly you know what they tell you would you please just back the F off and again not to be offensive but some of you need to hear it that way back the F off and let your kids have a little bit of space and room to figure some things out for themselves I promise you many of your kids resist you you because you just won't back off and because they want the space.

[146] But they don't know yet how to say this.

[147] Like I taught these words, not back the F off, but I, because he already apparently knew those.

[148] But I taught those words to Casey so he could come and say, Dad, I just need a little bit of space.

[149] I know what you want.

[150] I'm going to be okay in life.

[151] But could you just back off a little bit?

[152] Because I know what you want.

[153] I know how to do it.

[154] I just want to kind of figure out my own way to do it, right?

[155] That's wanting ownership of your life.

[156] That's a really good thing for your kids to have.

[157] Here's another one.

[158] Hey, mom, dad, I don't feel like I can ever actually please you because every time I try, it's not good enough.

[159] So somewhere along the line, I decided, why even try anymore?

[160] Right?

[161] It seems like you don't even enjoy me or even try to understand me anymore.

[162] You just want me to be a little you, and I know that won't work.

[163] Look, I really want you to drill down on this one a little bit, because as I was kind of flushing that out, that's what's happened, hasn't it?

[164] You've stopped enjoying your child.

[165] You stopped really having a relationship with your child because you've gotten so consumed with making sure that your child is doing X, Y, and Z exactly the way you want it.

[166] Or you've just gotten consumed with them doing X, Y, and Z. Because some of you are happy with, just like, as long as you're doing anything, I'm good with it.

[167] But along the way, you stopped actually enjoying and having a relationship with that child, and that child became a project to you.

[168] Someone you need to manipulate in a way.

[169] You won't call it manipulation because you're just trying to get them to do things a certain way.

[170] But what you're really doing is trying to manipulate that child, figuring out some special word or consequence that's going to get through to your child so that they actually just do what you want them to do.

[171] And see, consequences and manipulation and trying to coerce and bribe and threaten kids doesn't work.

[172] Relationships change behavior.

[173] And you have to go back to the relationship.

[174] And the reason I put this into the voice of your child is, is this.

[175] they can feel it and they know it because when you walk into the room and be honest with yourself when you walk into the room where they are you're not usually interested in them as a human being you're interested your agenda is to get them to take out the trash to do their homework to have a good attitude to do something to make a good choice to change something that they're doing you have an agenda and that's become the sole focus of your job as a parent right now is to get your kids to do certain things.

[176] And I know why you do that because you love them and you want them to be successful in life and you know how to get the, you know how to be successful in life.

[177] You want them to listen to you.

[178] But watch along the way, they've messed up your agenda.

[179] And now everything's about your agenda.

[180] It's about your own anxiety as a parent because you don't see them living up to their potential.

[181] You don't see them doing what you want them to do.

[182] All of this is your issue, by the way, your anxiety.

[183] You have to control.

[184] And what's deep down in there if you really drill down is how it makes you feel as a parent, right?

[185] Because like, well, if they're not successful, that reflects on me. What am I doing wrong?

[186] Some of you feel guilty for it.

[187] Some of you feel so much pressure.

[188] And so all that pressure now is dumping on this child who's sitting in a room, or doing something and all of a sudden this adult comes in and starts all this weight of your anxiety begins to dump on them and they can feel it they know it and that's why they resist you and what they know deep down is you don't really are not really interested in me as a human being I've just become someone that you want to in a way control and influence and manipulate in some ways Does that make sense?

[189] I guarantee that's what's happening in a lot of your homes.

[190] And look, if someone did that to you, you would resist as well.

[191] And that's why your kids are resisting.

[192] That's why we say the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own and to control your own anxiety, right?

[193] That's what I want from this.

[194] See if this makes sense.

[195] Let's go to even like a toddler, right?

[196] Let's say a toddler could actually speak because at the last workshop we were at, speaking at we had this happen i've had this really good mom and dad and they had a four have a four year old son and you can see it happening already at age four where the dad is coming home from work and the son's not doing what he's supposed to be doing and the mom started to cry as i started to talk to her husband about this because what the mom sees is this relationship is already going downhill because this guy needs a lot of order and structure in the home and this is not limited to guys moms you're the same way we're all it's not you it's us we are all me as a dad even as an older dad we're all the same way we do the same things but this dad is starting to destroy his relationship with a little toddler because the toddler isn't being effective and productive and efficient at his four -year -old job and so the so the dad is already projecting out into the future, well, if at age four, he can't do X, how is he ever going to be successful as an adult?

[197] That's part of it.

[198] The other part is at age four, they're irritating because they leave stuff all over the place and they're not efficient.

[199] And dinner time's not a lot of fun all the time, right?

[200] Because you've got to sit still and you've got to, and it's irritating the dad.

[201] And instead of controlling and changing himself, the dad's trying to change the four -year -old.

[202] And I know where this has.

[203] is that it's so does the mom.

[204] So she was actually like crying right in front of her husband as I was talking to the dad about this with great compassion.

[205] Like dude, you got to chill a little bit with this.

[206] You got to step back or you're going to ruin this relationship, right?

[207] Both with your toddler and with your wife.

[208] So a toddler would say to you, look, this world is all new and fascinating to me. Everything's interesting.

[209] It draws me. I feel compelled to explore.

[210] to bump my head, to try new things, to experiment.

[211] But it's like you want me to somehow fit into your grown -up world because you can't deal with my disorder.

[212] And you're always, I know you're telling me, I'm rebellious.

[213] No, I'm just learning and I'm curious and I'm exploring.

[214] Please don't rob me of my childhood.

[215] Don't rob me. I'm four.

[216] I'm three.

[217] I'm five.

[218] I'm seven.

[219] Don't rob me of my childhood, right?

[220] And I'll add this to it if your kids could say this.

[221] You were able to do all these things.

[222] You were able to go outside and explore with no adults around and do all these things, but you won't let me do the same things that you were able to do.

[223] Parents, this is very true.

[224] When we were kids, we had a lot of space in our lives to explore.

[225] our parents did not micromanage us unless some of yours did because they're terrible and you resent them for it right but most of our parents they weren't actually that involved they just let it go do stuff because here's what they knew we're raising you in a good home we're modeling good behavior for you and we figure at the end of the day you'll figure your stuff out and you'll turn out okay and you know what the truth is 95 % of us we turned out okay and we're not even giving our own kids the same opportunities that our own parents did.

[226] We're not.

[227] And we're robbing our kids of their childhood.

[228] And I want you to hear it from the toddler's voice.

[229] Please don't rob me of my childhood.

[230] I need to be innocent.

[231] I need to play.

[232] I need to explore.

[233] Stop shoving homework down my throat when I'm six years old.

[234] Right?

[235] Because you didn't do that.

[236] But now you're wanting me to do it.

[237] Right?

[238] And stop robbing me because of your own false expectations.

[239] Please don't crush my spirit.

[240] it because of your anxiety because that's not right.

[241] Please hear that.

[242] Here's another thing that I want you to hear.

[243] Listen, mom and dad, I don't wake up every day thinking, hmm, how could I get in trouble more and get everybody around me to be irritated to hate me and lose all my stuff?

[244] Right.

[245] I guarantee they're not waking up thinking what are five different ways I can get in trouble and cause.

[246] It seems like they are because they're in trouble a lot.

[247] That's not what's happening.

[248] If they could tell you, they could say, I'm not just trying to be difficult.

[249] It's just like everything is difficult for me because life feels like it's swimming upstream for me. School's hard for going to school every day, sitting still all day long, memorizing information that's not important to me that I probably won't ever use in life.

[250] Memorizing information for a standardized test, arbitrary information that I don't care about, is hard for me. I'm not always great at connecting with kids my own age because I'm better with older kids and adults, little kids with animals, kids my own age, I struggle to connect with them.

[251] That's hard for me. So my entire childhood is based on doing things I'm not good at doing.

[252] You put me out in the real world, I'm pretty awesome.

[253] But going to school and doing normal kids stuff, it's pretty hard for me. so it feels like I'm swimming upstream.

[254] And you, look, to a lot of you as adults, you don't know what that feels like.

[255] And that's another reason I want you to listen to the Strong World Child program and a no BS program and get that package.

[256] So you can understand what your kids are going through.

[257] So you can understand, look if they could talk to you, say, I'm not just trying to be a jerk in life.

[258] Have you ever stepped back and thought, it's not that fun to always be in trouble?

[259] I know that my mom doesn't like me sometimes.

[260] my dad doesn't like me. My brothers and sisters don't like me. And I know it feels like everybody's teaming up on me. And I know everybody's saying like, well, we wouldn't have to team up on you if you weren't so difficult.

[261] But I don't wake up every day hoping and trying to be difficult.

[262] It's just that things are difficult.

[263] And nobody ever takes to, nobody ever slows down enough to actually listen to me and understand how difficult certain things are for me. so you misjudge my motives all the time saying, well, you're just being lazy.

[264] It's not that I'm being lazy.

[265] It's that certain things are really, really difficult and certain things I just don't care about.

[266] But when I do care about them, oh, I can work really hard and I can focus well.

[267] But please stop misunderstanding me. Otherwise, I'm just going to shut down because it feels like you spend all of your energy trying to fix.

[268] what's wrong with me. What would it feel like for you, mom or dad, if every day you went to the office and everybody just tried to fix what's wrong with you?

[269] Because no one notices the positives.

[270] Nobody notices what I'm doing wrong.

[271] And how would you feel if every day everybody picked out every single thing that you did wrong?

[272] Because I go to school and that's what happens.

[273] And I come home from school and that's what happens all evening.

[274] So from morning to midnight, here's what life feels like for me. Something's wrong with you because you're not living up to anyone's expectations.

[275] So we're just, we're not even going to enjoy you as a child anymore.

[276] We're not even going to have a relationship with you and watch.

[277] It becomes very unconditional.

[278] We're not really going to have a good relationship with you until you begin to start behaving better, applying yourself, doing better in school, living up to our expectations.

[279] If we're honest with ourselves, that's what it's devolved into.

[280] And I know because that's how it was with my own son.

[281] He became a project, a thing that I had to in a way, try to manipulate, control, and change so that he could satisfy my own anxiety.

[282] And along the way, I stopped enjoying my son.

[283] And you know what happens when that occurs, your kids know it and they become defiant and they shut down because they know, I can't really please you.

[284] I want you to work on yourself.

[285] I promise you if you change yourself, your kids will change and you'll begin to understand them.

[286] You'll know how to motivate them.

[287] You'll know how to discipline them in ways that don't erode the relationship.

[288] Look, good discipline will ultimately lead to a more trusting relationship.

[289] relationship with your child.

[290] Your kids want your discipline.

[291] They need your discipline.

[292] They need the boundaries.

[293] But they don't want it the way that you do it now because it's too arbitrary and it feels like you're just trying to manipulate and control them.

[294] So do it differently.

[295] Focus on the relationship and above all.

[296] Focus on controlling yourself first.

[297] I promise you, I can show you how to do that.

[298] I encourage you.

[299] Go to celebrate calm .com.

[300] Look under the products page you're going to see we're not doing a coupon code we're not making you do any extra work on the website for the next week we have this program where it's everything we have ever recorded and created all of the workbooks all of the insights all of this we will show you in great detail in very practical ways like that dad said this is very practical stuff that you can do it will change your home it will change your relationships and then it will change your child's behavior, but it begins with you.

[301] I encourage you to do that.

[302] Keep working at this.

[303] If we can help you in any way, if we can help you emotionally with your kids, financially, reach out to us.

[304] We will help you.

[305] Email K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebratecom .com.

[306] That's my son.

[307] He understands all of this, and he will help you walk you through this.

[308] I will walk you through this.

[309] Our phone number is 888 -506, 1871.

[310] for those of you in northern Virginia we're coming your way next week and then we go up to Michigan for foster care conference both in the western part of the state we're going to be in Grand Rapids and then we're going to be talking to parents outside of Detroit so look that up on a website you can come out and join us thank you all for being good parents I know this is hard stuff I know it hit you pretty hard at times but I know you can take it and it's good for you to hear from the voice of a child how to change this stuff.

[311] Let's make the changes now.

[312] By the way, you know why we're doing the sale now?

[313] Because the holiday season is coming up and it's going to get crazy.

[314] I want you dig in now.

[315] Start doing this now.

[316] I want you to hit this so by the time the new year comes, you have a new relationship with your child.

[317] If you're a mom out there and listening, let your husband know, this is what I want for Christmas.

[318] I want a new house.

[319] I don't want to have to manage your emotions.

[320] I don't want to manage everybody's emotions.

[321] I want to calm home for Christmas.

[322] Let's do this.

[323] Hubby, forget shopping for all these different things for me. Get this for me. Let's get a new home.

[324] Let's work on this together.

[325] Get this for yourself.

[326] Some of you, you don't need to ask for something for Christmas.

[327] Get it yourself because you know nobody's going to get you what you want.

[328] That's called being assertive anyway.

[329] Anyway, love you all.

[330] If we can help you just let us know.

[331] Thanks so much.

[332] Bye -bye.