LIVE: Ike Barinholtz

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[3] He's an armchair expert.

[4] He's an armchair expert.

[5] He's an armchair expert.

[6] Local natives, thank you guys so much.

[7] Oh, my God.

[8] Thank you for that.

[9] so flattering that folks is talented as local natives would come and play for us thank you guys so much welcome welcome welcome oh it's packed oh my god hello we are very very grateful to be a part of Netflix as a joke and back to what I really wanted to tell you which is of the last four years there is a guest there's several but there's one that always stands out to me as having been the funniest guest we ever had the most fun the best storyteller so he is here tonight and I'm very excited to have them out.

[10] But before then, upon your request, let's put our hands together for the most maximally empowered miniature mouse of all time.

[11] Monica Padman!

[12] You almost held me hostage.

[13] I did.

[14] I did.

[15] Wow.

[16] We're just very pleased to have family and friends here and to be a part of Netflix as a joke.

[17] How lucky.

[18] So wonderful.

[19] I just think it'd be fun.

[20] I'll probably come up in a fact check.

[21] But did this outfit travel by Uber to get here tonight?

[22] It was delivered to my house, but not by Uber.

[23] And thank you, Goop.

[24] Thank you, Goop.

[25] And Gwyneth.

[26] They need a little push, guys.

[27] Okay.

[28] Our mutually agreed upon favorite funniest guests of all time, if you've ever owned a role of brawny paper towel, and you're familiar with the gentleman on the cover of the brawny paper towel, he's here tonight, and his name is Ike Barronholz.

[29] I'm going to jump in the keys real quick.

[30] Okay, yeah, it just pops something out.

[31] And guys, we will now go to the meet of this evening, which is talking to Mr. Berenholtz.

[32] We haven't done this in a bit.

[33] We should just be honest.

[34] So I thought, and I should have run this past you, because this is a Netflix festival.

[35] Oh, boy.

[36] Before we get it started, we could watch season one of the Kaminsky method.

[37] Bring it down, guys.

[38] Roll it.

[39] You weren't on the Kaminsky method, were you by chance?

[40] I was not.

[41] My dad loves that show.

[42] Okay, great.

[43] I was like, oh, dad, you love a show about, two old, cool Jewish guys in L .A.?

[44] Wow.

[45] Really on -brand.

[46] Really on -brand.

[47] I got to say, I feel a little hoodwinked.

[48] The last time I did this pod, you were wearing sweatpants.

[49] That's right.

[50] And you were wearing, I don't even know, like a dick rag and a tank top.

[51] And so I dressed in what I thought would be a nice outfit, and you guys smoked me. PowerPlay.

[52] I can't explain it.

[53] Perfect 10 Charlie sent me a text that said, I hope you're going sleeveless tonight, which I wanted to.

[54] show them off.

[55] Here was my rationale.

[56] It's a Monday night.

[57] It's a fucking terrible night to go do something fun.

[58] So the fact that everyone agreed to come out on the worst night of the week, I was like, I got to do something a little, I got to show a little effort myself.

[59] Also, fashion is kind of all we have to offer.

[60] That's not true.

[61] Yeah.

[62] That is not true.

[63] You have advice and expertise.

[64] Hello.

[65] Well, we did find out backstage.

[66] Now, one thing that you run the risk of when you're around Ike is he's so funny that you blow your whole wad in the green room.

[67] So we have a backup Red Bull just in case, but speaking of what you just said, being an expert, we had no idea that Ike Barronholz is an expert on JFK conspiracy theory.

[68] To the degree, we think we're going to do a part two of that episode.

[69] So just hit people with your novel take on it.

[70] I just want to say it's the only conspiracy theory I believe in.

[71] I don't want to get too deep into it, but I just find it very strange that President George H .W. Bush did not.

[72] not know where he was the day JFK was killed.

[73] And they found out years later, he was in Dallas.

[74] He was in Dallas.

[75] I'll get further into it after the show.

[76] If you meet me on the corner of Western and Wilshire.

[77] You do a tour, right?

[78] Like a JFK assassination tour, and you just drive down the block.

[79] But I do it in L .A., which doesn't make sense.

[80] I'm like, this is the arc light.

[81] Hey, Wobbywob.

[82] Let's bring Robbie out because he's so cute.

[83] Wabiwob.

[84] Rob, we need a little more.

[85] Would you agree?

[86] I can't hear anything you're saying.

[87] I can't hear a word you're saying.

[88] Right.

[89] It's like just echo soup.

[90] So could we get a little more in our, what is it called?

[91] Our monitors.

[92] That's the term.

[93] Monitor.

[94] Check, check, check, check, check.

[95] Maybe when I tripped on the cord, I fucked up the whole thing.

[96] You see me almost eat shit?

[97] But it looked cool.

[98] We talked backstage.

[99] That music was so beautiful and lovely.

[100] And I thought, crap, I'm not sincere enough to follow that up.

[101] And then I tripped on a chord on top of everything else.

[102] Whenever you take a beautiful band like that and you come out with a t -shirt, canon afterwards.

[103] It's working.

[104] Oh, that's working.

[105] Oh, so much better.

[106] I guessed what you were saying before.

[107] I did too.

[108] In fact, I heard them all laugh really hard.

[109] It was almost like the Will Smith moment where it's like they were laughing so I laughed at you, but I didn't hear what you said.

[110] Yeah.

[111] It only took five minutes to get to something controversial.

[112] Seriously, though, keep my name out of your mouth.

[113] Okay.

[114] Oh, this is great.

[115] This is so great.

[116] It's like a whole new dawn.

[117] Yeah, it's going to be a good show now.

[118] It wasn't going to be before.

[119] I couldn't hear what Ike was saying.

[120] Who fucking knows what Monica was saying?

[121] Her voice isn't as loud.

[122] Okay, we're in business now.

[123] Wait, Ike.

[124] Have you ever shot a T -shirt?

[125] I've never done it.

[126] I've always wanted to.

[127] You're going to tonight.

[128] Oh, my God.

[129] Yeah.

[130] So lucky.

[131] You're going to tonight.

[132] If it's good, this is like when Johnny Carson would invite you over to the couch.

[133] Oh, that's when you knew you made it as a stand -up.

[134] If I don't invite you to fire that.

[135] To shoot a shirt in someone's face at 90 miles an hour.

[136] Then you'll know.

[137] Oh, fuck.

[138] Well, it didn't go my way.

[139] Okay, so we found out backstage that you are a savant when it comes to JFK.

[140] That was news to me. That was the one, because I know you're definitely conspiracy -ish.

[141] In what way?

[142] I think you embrace them a little bit more than me?

[143] No. That's why I have the show debunking them.

[144] So you don't think there's any conspiracies?

[145] Well, certainly, the conspiracy to kill Archduke Ferdinand, which was successful.

[146] Well, that was an assassination.

[147] That's just regular facts.

[148] By the way, do you know what's crazy about that, right?

[149] They were supposed to kill him.

[150] They didn't do it.

[151] The car broke down.

[152] And the guy who was going to do it was like, ah, shit, plan's over.

[153] I'm going to go get drunk.

[154] He's in the bar drinking.

[155] Their car breaks down in front of the bar.

[156] He's like, I guess I'll do it.

[157] Yeah.

[158] That's wild.

[159] It is.

[160] They talk about that on hardcore history.

[161] Another great podcast.

[162] Great podcast.

[163] Which they were here.

[164] Dan Carlin.

[165] Yeah, Carlin.

[166] Carlin, Carlin, I think.

[167] Daniel Carlin.

[168] We both want to know more about it than each other.

[169] Yeah, Carlin.

[170] Daniel Carlin.

[171] I think it's actually Daniel Carlin.

[172] Yeah, he's really good.

[173] Okay.

[174] So, first and foremost, I listened back today to Ike's episode, which was, by the way, guys, 39.

[175] Out of 430?

[176] Yeah.

[177] Something like that.

[178] That's crazy.

[179] So just God bless you that you came, because who knew you?

[180] It was seven presidents ago.

[181] Jimmy Carter was president when I went on.

[182] Point is, I want to make an open amends to you, which was that was still a phase of the show.

[183] where I just couldn't stop talking.

[184] It's bad still, but then it was bad.

[185] I told you a 25 -minute story about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[186] I started fast -forwarding through it when I was listening today.

[187] I'm like, oh, this guy shut up.

[188] And I was like, oh, you even hit him with all the middle parts of the story.

[189] I met him here, and then this time and this time.

[190] Oh, my God.

[191] Was I editing at that point?

[192] No, I don't know.

[193] Probably not.

[194] I can't imagine because it's repugnant.

[195] Yeah.

[196] So just from the bottom of my heart, thanks for sitting through my TED talk on Schwarzenegger.

[197] Other than Howard Stern, this is the show that I've done that the most people from my life have reached out to me. It's crazy.

[198] Like, you guys have a huge reach.

[199] Thank you guys.

[200] Yeah.

[201] With kids that went to a tiny Jewish elementary school in the north side of Chicago, you were at like 80%.

[202] That's our bread and butter.

[203] Yeah.

[204] He said one of the guys you hadn't heard from since like fourth grade and he got a hold of you.

[205] He reached out to me. And now he wants to move to L .A. He wants advice and help.

[206] Thanks a lot.

[207] But among the many things that I enjoyed from that podcast is how many fun voices you do.

[208] And I would like to role play.

[209] I decided.

[210] This is like a fun game I want to play with you.

[211] Let's do it.

[212] So I'm going to be calling different people.

[213] You're going to answer.

[214] Okay.

[215] And you're going to be those people.

[216] Okay.

[217] So I guess I want to start probably with your uncle, Bernie Feinstein.

[218] Feinstein, Feinstein.

[219] Feinstein.

[220] Bring, bring.

[221] What is it?

[222] Mr. Feinstein?

[223] Yeah, yeah.

[224] It's Bernie.

[225] Feinstein.

[226] What do you want?

[227] What do you want?

[228] I just wanted to let you know that I'm looking at some paperwork and your warranty's about to expire.

[229] Warranty.

[230] Warranty for what?

[231] Hold on.

[232] I gotta go to the bathroom.

[233] This is a man who one time as we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner turns to everyone and goes, you want to do something crazy?

[234] I ate six things yesterday and I shit six times.

[235] This is at the beginning of the very beginning.

[236] Oh, my God.

[237] Rest in peace.

[238] He passed away, yeah, yeah.

[239] But it's fine, he was old.

[240] And if people don't remember, curiously enough, he was Danny.

[241] Dennis Farina's partner in the Chicago Police Department.

[242] In like 1978, yeah.

[243] And you went to the funeral and this guy, can I be honest with you?

[244] Yeah.

[245] I conflated your impersonation of your uncle's buddy.

[246] With Eddie with Nikki.

[247] Yeah.

[248] Who talked like this.

[249] Yeah, because the way you say piece of shit, I want to.

[250] I want to get to.

[251] I go, how is Dennis Farina?

[252] He goes, I love Dennis Farina.

[253] He was great.

[254] His brother was a real piece of work, though.

[255] He was on the, how do we say, the other side of the fence?

[256] Which I'm like, what the fuck does that mean?

[257] He's like, it means he's a criminal.

[258] And I was like, oh, and he goes, this motherfucker broke into him and Dennis' father's office one night, he broke into his own father's office.

[259] And I got to work the next day, and I saw Dennis, and he was loading bullets into a magazine.

[260] And I go, Dennis, what are you doing?

[261] He goes, I'll tell you what I'm doing.

[262] I'm going to go kill my fucking brother.

[263] And he's telling me this story like, it's charming.

[264] I'm like, oh, no. At a funeral, no less, right?

[265] At a wake or a shiva.

[266] The Jews call it a shiva.

[267] It's just awake with more food and less alcohol.

[268] I don't even know what a wake is.

[269] Start with funeral.

[270] So if you've been to a funeral, you've been to a funeral, you've been to a wake.

[271] What's that?

[272] That's a party afterwards?

[273] Like Irish people go and they drink like two bottles of whiskey and like get into some kind of shoving match.

[274] The Jews That we had shiva Which is just like you eat so much egg salad You have to go to the hospital And if you're your uncle Which he couldn't be there sadly He had passed Yeah he passed You can't go to your own shiva He would have been counting how many things he ate Thinking like Well it's gonna be eight tomorrow Wait but aren't there sitting rules and stuff At a shiva?

[275] A chair rules Oh I think I've been doing shiva's all wrong I walk in and sit wherever the hell I want Dang Maybe I'm getting it confused because it's called sitting Shiva.

[276] You sit Shiva just means like you're going to go and kind of sit in a room.

[277] But maybe there's like hardcore Jewish rules about it where they're like, you are sitting in the wrong space.

[278] That's right?

[279] There's no hoopa, right?

[280] That's the thing you sit under.

[281] No, it's a wedding.

[282] That's a wedding.

[283] Okay.

[284] I'm embarrassing myself with how much knowledge I have.

[285] And then in some Orthodox Jewish communities, you have sex through a sheet.

[286] The night of the wedding.

[287] And some BDSM communities.

[288] Or forever.

[289] And my community at home.

[290] Yeah, yeah.

[291] Uh, yeah, but it's, they cut a little hole in the sheet, and then they have a sheet separating them, and it's very...

[292] Do you know what those folks are trying to accomplish with that?

[293] The ultimate orgasm?

[294] I actually might dig it, because you could let yourself go crazy.

[295] Like, I'm not mindful of what my face looks like during coitus.

[296] Yeah.

[297] You know, I'll let out, like, what will I do?

[298] What's the worst thing I'll do?

[299] I don't think I can look.

[300] But if there was a sheet, I might go crazy.

[301] Like...

[302] Oh, boy.

[303] Wouldn't that be fun?

[304] I would just be like, with this shit, be like, this is Tom Hardy.

[305] You like Tom Hardy's dick?

[306] You like it?

[307] You like Tom Hardy Dick.

[308] Take it, mate.

[309] Would you mind, because it's one of the people I want to hear you do, would you mind fucking your wife through a sheet as Al Pacino?

[310] Wow.

[311] That is a big ass.

[312] That's like an improv game you would never hear.

[313] Can we get a location?

[314] Yeah, your wife and you with the sheet.

[315] Your wife's bedroom.

[316] A relationship, El Pacino.

[317] All right.

[318] gonna need some scissors Not bad That's really good Really not bad It's older Pacino Because there's young Pacino Whose voice is kind of high So what I'm gonna do I'm gonna cut a little hole And I'm gonna try to get hard And then you're gonna lay there And you know, it's gonna be great And then right after scent of a woman He's like, here's how this is gonna work You're gonna get a fucking sheet There's gonna be a sheet between us and one of my balls is going to get halfway caught through the sheet, too.

[319] And it's going to be embarrassing for everyone.

[320] But we must go through with it.

[321] Oh, wow.

[322] Wait, maybe all the impressions should be of that scenario.

[323] Oh, great.

[324] I'm going to come home, my wife's like, how was the show?

[325] Oh, great, honey.

[326] I did seven different impressions of you taking it.

[327] You know, part of it sounds like the most obvious.

[328] thing is it sounds misogynistic, but I can't imagine that the woman's the biggest beneficiary of the sheet.

[329] Uh, yeah, yeah.

[330] Right?

[331] Yeah.

[332] Your average dude that was getting the sheet out to fuck, you probably didn't want to look at them.

[333] Yeah.

[334] And you hated them because this marriage you're in where you get fucked through a sheet.

[335] I bet.

[336] It might have been a blessing.

[337] You want intimacy.

[338] You do want a little intimacy during sex.

[339] A little bit.

[340] A little bit during sex.

[341] Although imagine how romantic it'd be if your lover reached up and caressed your face, but there's a sheet between it out.

[342] I just feel like it would, like, get stuck in my mouth and...

[343] Oh, you would go down on her with the sheet first.

[344] Yeah.

[345] Obviously, yeah, come on.

[346] Is that accounted for?

[347] Let me check my pocket, tarah.

[348] Let me see if it's in there.

[349] But isn't that the, like, appeal to blindfolding?

[350] Exactly.

[351] That's kind of my point.

[352] The mystery of it.

[353] Yeah, if you embraced it, maybe it could work anyways TBD we're going to try it hon you guys let us know how it goes when you all go home tonight uh BDSM at armchair expert dot com any lover here go home and fuck through sheet and just see maybe they're on to something I did make a joke one time it was when there was unfortunately a very large outbreak of measles in the Hasidic community do you remember this oh yes I started it you I remember it I'm patient zero my joke was was measletoff.

[354] Measeltoff.

[355] Measel to say that all the time.

[356] I used to say measletoff all the time.

[357] That's pretty good.

[358] And then someone took it out of context.

[359] It's dicey, I guess.

[360] It's dicey within all the context.

[361] But it's so positive.

[362] It's like a great, like, you take this unfortunate thing a measles outbreak.

[363] Yeah, and you make into a great joke.

[364] Measletov.

[365] Measel tov.

[366] Okay, last time through a sheet.

[367] But this is Barack and Michelle.

[368] Barack and Michelle?

[369] The most respected people in America.

[370] Make it classy.

[371] This is very sacrilegious.

[372] This is not good.

[373] What's going to happen?

[374] Let's say they're forced into it.

[375] They might make it worse.

[376] No, no, no, no. Let's empower everyone.

[377] Michelle was at a goop retreat.

[378] Okay.

[379] Esther Perel was around a campfire.

[380] God, I hope I was invited.

[381] And she said, have either of you ever had a sex through the sheet?

[382] It's a very intimate.

[383] it's a way to play a role reversal and really messed with identity.

[384] And Michelle came back to Barack and she's like, this is gonna be kinky.

[385] That's a good angle because maybe he's a little scared.

[386] I like that.

[387] All right.

[388] Hold on, I want to do something.

[389] It was so good.

[390] You're gonna do it one more time.

[391] You don't even need anything else, although I do want more.

[392] All right.

[393] Thank you.

[394] It was too good not to have one of those.

[395] Now, let me be.

[396] clear.

[397] What's going to happen here?

[398] I'm going to stick it in between the sheet and absolutely destroy that pussy.

[399] I just, I don't know.

[400] I don't know.

[401] I would imagine if in this scenario, no, Barack is a good lay.

[402] Oh, for sure.

[403] He's so sexy.

[404] Oh, my God.

[405] Oh, my God.

[406] We were fully transported.

[407] I have to have more.

[408] I have to have more.

[409] Uh -oh.

[410] He hears the noise.

[411] Sasha and Malia were supposed to be out.

[412] Oh, no, no, no, no, hold on.

[413] They're not in the room.

[414] They're not there.

[415] But they were supposed to be out late.

[416] They were going to do a concert.

[417] They thought they had the house to themselves.

[418] They're saying, sing, uh, uh, duolupa.

[419] Duolipa.

[420] But she had a measles scare and canceled the show.

[421] All right.

[422] So you're mid tearing it up.

[423] Just all right.

[424] And they're coming home?

[425] Here's what you hear.

[426] You ready?

[427] Oh, shit.

[428] Oh, fuck.

[429] Hold on.

[430] Hold on.

[431] Who is it?

[432] I'm going to be very clear and finish very quickly.

[433] Do I ever feel like the Secret Service is going to investigate me?

[434] Yes.

[435] I mean, he was a guest on the show.

[436] It's not inconceivable that we'll get a phone call.

[437] It's like, heard your show.

[438] Congrats on the Netflix show.

[439] It's great.

[440] Funny.

[441] Love the band.

[442] What the fuck?

[443] Expected more from you, Daxa, Monica.

[444] We had Trump at our disposal.

[445] We went after him.

[446] He'll love it.

[447] He's so cool.

[448] So we're going to try wearing a sheet this time.

[449] Ike, question.

[450] How many people reached out to you recently about you being on the Abercrombie documentary?

[451] Oh, my God, Michael.

[452] Hold on a second.

[453] You are?

[454] Dude.

[455] By accident.

[456] Not by design.

[457] I heard it's good.

[458] Wait, you're in a minute.

[459] and you haven't watched it?

[460] I believe it's on Netflix, so yes, it's good.

[461] Here's the deal.

[462] Ever since I've lived here, a couple days a week, I pick up some shifts at Abercrombie.

[463] It's not a big deal.

[464] I'm the guy at the gallery, shirt off.

[465] That's why business has been not great.

[466] No, there's a documentary, which I haven't seen, but when I was on Mad TV back in the day, thank you.

[467] We used to do this recurring sketch where like me and Mike McDonald's and Josh Myers, would play dudes working at Ambercrombie.

[468] And it just always materialized into the most homoerotic.

[469] Sure.

[470] Just like us, like in our underwear running around, like tickling each other.

[471] Cut to 2022 and there's a documentary about Ambercrombie.

[472] Yeah.

[473] And they put that in.

[474] And someone told me like a lot of the sketches in.

[475] Like they leave in like a minute of the sketch.

[476] They might have not had a war chest of footage.

[477] I was going to say it reeks to me of we didn't get enough good stuff.

[478] We have to just air a mad TV sketch.

[479] in its entirety.

[480] They air a whole mad TV episode.

[481] It's wild.

[482] They even got the commercials in, I heard.

[483] It's crazy.

[484] Alanis Morris that was on.

[485] It was awesome.

[486] Well, this is interesting because this is one of these things like UCB does this.

[487] If you've ever been to a UCB show in L .A., it's fantastic.

[488] But the way they warm up the audience is they'll ask a question.

[489] They've discovered that some of these things we think are unique about ourselves.

[490] Everyone's done.

[491] So they'll go like, has anyone ridden an elephant, you think no one has?

[492] Everybody's written an elephant.

[493] The fun one they'll throw out in L .A. too.

[494] This is them, not me. They'll say, has anyone here been hit on by Andy Dick.

[495] Inevitably, 20 % of the audience always has.

[496] It's pretty interesting.

[497] Yeah.

[498] If you were to ask me if you and I both had a history with Aber Crobby, I would go, no. But I, too, shot a scene in a movie in front of Amber Crom.

[499] Can I guess the movie?

[500] You'll never know it.

[501] Employee the Month.

[502] No. When in Rome.

[503] Yes.

[504] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[505] Employing of my lovely broad.

[506] A good guess, though, considering it's at a store.

[507] Really good guess, but not right.

[508] One's at Costco, this is Abercrombie.

[509] Same shit.

[510] Smallish.

[511] You've never been to Costco.

[512] I just figured that out.

[513] You never in your whole life?

[514] Look at this shirt.

[515] You think I'd never been in a fucking Costco?

[516] Come on, Doug.

[517] I played in the movie, a dude who sometimes was a model in front of the place.

[518] So in real life, I was shooting the scene, and I'm with a dude who really was one of those guys.

[519] And it was one of these very, you've been in these situations, I'm sure of it.

[520] We're like, you're kind of actively making fun of something.

[521] You want to, when the camera's rolling, and then between takes them, like, I fucking love Amber Crombie, man. I'm like trying to backtrack everything that I'm doing in front of the guy.

[522] Feeling codependent about it?

[523] Yes, of course, very codependent.

[524] At least, to make you feel better, the guy's probably much hotter than you?

[525] Like, the guys that worked there were fucking snacks.

[526] They're sex machines.

[527] They are sex machines.

[528] Wait, can you do them fucking your wife in the sheet?

[529] I can't remember.

[530] I just remember it was all just like fuck boy talk.

[531] It was like, you look amazing in those cargoes that are slightly pulled below your hang low.

[532] Like it was just like that.

[533] Your hang low.

[534] Well, so there was paparazzi's photos taken.

[535] And if you Google this, you'll see me. And I'm shirtless with a belt on that was like looped down.

[536] So it was very phallic.

[537] And I'm in a beanie and I'm posing.

[538] And that just was in magazines.

[539] Like, no one knows what went in Rome is.

[540] They don't know I'm acting.

[541] People would have to assume.

[542] like, oh my God, this guy is also hangs in front of Abercrombie.

[543] He doesn't even work there.

[544] No, or maybe he does, which is even worse for him.

[545] When you were shirtless, were you like one of those guys?

[546] I can't eat for like three days.

[547] Oh, I didn't eat for three months.

[548] Yeah, yeah.

[549] No, that's the craziest I ever got.

[550] And then Chris and I were both blessed with food poisoning right before the shoot started.

[551] Oh, that is a true blessing.

[552] Blessed.

[553] I couldn't get there.

[554] And then, boy, were we just ripping and roaring, they're ripping and the tarin.

[555] And I came in real cut up.

[556] That became another issue with the dude.

[557] Wait, he was jelly?

[558] He was like, oh my God, man. He was like, he was commenting on that I was lower.

[559] This is so stupid.

[560] Body fat?

[561] Lower percentage, yeah, BPM or whatever the fuck.

[562] Man, I can't believe you told this story.

[563] You're like, this is so fucking embarrassing.

[564] So I'm doing a scene with this like fucking hot guy and he's like, yo dog.

[565] You have a lower body fat analysis.

[566] I didn't say that to be cool.

[567] I did it to say that I was feeling.

[568] horrendous about the whole situation.

[569] I was dancing around making everyone look like an idiot and then in between takes he was bummed at my body and I was like, no man, I fucking love Abercrombie.

[570] Is it Amber Cromby?

[571] Nope, it's not.

[572] It's Abercrombie.

[573] Can't even say it.

[574] So I was trying to tell him how much I loved it, but I couldn't pronounce it.

[575] That's bad.

[576] That was bad.

[577] That was the point in that story is that I was an idiot, not that I was ripped, which I was dieseled as fuck.

[578] Okay.

[579] You're working on so many things and I'm truly so fucking happy for you.

[580] Because, again, when we had you on some 12 years ago, I just kind of fell in love with you, and I think it was just so funny, unbelievably funny.

[581] In fact, oh, this will be a fun behind the curtain story.

[582] You could be filthy rich right now.

[583] What?

[584] Could be.

[585] You definitely are, right?

[586] He's rich.

[587] Oh, I am so rich.

[588] You should see the lift I came here in.

[589] Yeah.

[590] We're talking XL.

[591] I mean, not black Excel, but it's a regular Excel.

[592] If you saw a stretch yellow Hummer with a hot tubbing back, that was our guy Ike pulling up.

[593] I mean, you've been working every day since we saw you.

[594] But do you remember, Monica, he was the first person after he was on.

[595] I went to your house and begged you to do a show on our platform.

[596] That was amazing.

[597] You came to my house and held my baby.

[598] I held your baby.

[599] And you were like, you have to do a fucking podcast dog.

[600] Come on.

[601] It was really, it was amazing.

[602] You regret it?

[603] Yes.

[604] Fucking A. That's right.

[605] Everyone has a podcast now.

[606] It could be, though, like, using Ben There Done That now, right?

[607] Like, if you throw out BDDT now, it's so embarrassing that you think I'm on the cusp of it coming cool again.

[608] That is true.

[609] So maybe you waited just long enough.

[610] That was the long game right there.

[611] Yeah.

[612] It's been there, done that, like, not cool to say?

[613] It hasn't been for, like, 25 years.

[614] Oh, my God.

[615] That's like in the same neighborhood as a talk to the hand.

[616] Oh, yeah.

[617] It's a little in the same zone.

[618] I like that.

[619] Let's bring that back.

[620] TMI.

[621] Oh, so those are two very triggering ones for me. they're done that.

[622] First of all, it's like, oh, so sorry I bored you.

[623] Yeah.

[624] Yeah.

[625] It's like, oh, we went to Disneyland.

[626] Yeah, BDDDT.

[627] Oh, okay.

[628] Then I won't tell you this story because you've already been there and done that.

[629] Oh, really?

[630] A guy who works at Abercrombie told you that you had lower body fat?

[631] Wow, because that's fucking...

[632] Yeah, BDDT.

[633] Every time I walk by Abercrombie, they get upset.

[634] Similarly, TMI.

[635] Too much information.

[636] Yeah.

[637] Fuck you.

[638] Yeah.

[639] I'll talk about whatever I want.

[640] Also just like, there's just a whole tronch of phrases that if you say it, you're going to get a little shit from me. P .M. What's another one?

[641] I talk to the hand.

[642] What else?

[643] What else is one?

[644] Oh, I mean, it came from like one of the greatest places ever when Polar and Seth Myers would do really.

[645] Oh.

[646] But now sometimes like my fucking kids will say really to me and I'm like uh -uh, uh -uh.

[647] No, no, no. Really?

[648] Yeah, real.

[649] I'm being real with you right now.

[650] Go to fucking bed.

[651] Right.

[652] I can't think of any other ones.

[653] Okay.

[654] If one pops up, just...

[655] If one pops up, just...

[656] I'll stop whatever we're doing, and I'll just say the word with no context.

[657] I get more hung up on words.

[658] So one of the words I really took issue with was artisan.

[659] Like, all of a sudden I was like, I walked by subway, and they had a fucking artisan sub.

[660] And I was like, excuse me, they are sandwich artists.

[661] Hence, artists end.

[662] That's right.

[663] I don't think that was, I don't think it was a play on words.

[664] I think they were claiming they had a bespoke sandwich there, like a one -off artisan.

[665] Can't get anywhere else.

[666] It's so predictable Your class warfare That's what it is Because it sounds a little like Fancy Elevated fancy hoity tooty Something I would be very attracted to Yes, you would love You probably ate at Subway during that period If they had something artisan, yeah You're so right I'm like, who's this fucking piece of shit restaurant Actin 'all hoity tooty That's what it was, thank you I stopped dating at Subway once they fired My friend as the spokesperson Oh, I forgot I can't get into it Were you guys in the same fraternity?

[667] Yes.

[668] Someone told me that at college, his deal was he, like, recorded every porno on a VHS and had his own little curated library.

[669] You could go and rent pornoes from them.

[670] Oh, like an artisan.

[671] This was back in the day, kids.

[672] So your buddy did know him in college.

[673] He knew someone who knew him in college.

[674] Oh, okay.

[675] He knew someone who went to college with his cousin and their friend told him that he had a bunch of porno.

[676] Isn't it funny?

[677] Once somebody has been labeled a pedophile, you think.

[678] I think, we're totally free of any liable issues.

[679] So we're like, oh, you heard Jared, right?

[680] Jared killed his mother.

[681] I'm not afraid to say that out loud in public at all because he was exposed as a pedophile.

[682] But I'm sure he still has some protection under the law.

[683] He probably does, but I will say people throw around pedophile too much these days.

[684] It's like artisan.

[685] It's like artisan.

[686] It's the new artistian.

[687] It is, it is.

[688] Like you go on Twitter and you're like, watch my show tonight.

[689] So I was like, oh, you're a pedophile.

[690] And you're like, wait, what?

[691] Well, that's a weird thing in the very far all right world.

[692] All right, yes, the pedo.

[693] Yes.

[694] They're obsessed with pedophiles.

[695] Yeah, they're like, do you know 35 million children were abducted this year?

[696] And you're like, I don't know about 35 million.

[697] We learned of that when we had Bill Gates on.

[698] And all of a sudden, in our comments, we had over 3 ,000 people saying he has children in his basement and he is extracting adrenal chrome from them to stay young.

[699] First of all, it's not working.

[700] Bill Gates looks old.

[701] Like, it's the most.

[702] most simple.

[703] Like, if you say J -Lo, you've got some merit to that claim.

[704] She's got, she's taking adrenochrome 100%.

[705] But like Warren Buffett's on adrenal chrome?

[706] No, he's not.

[707] He's on, he's on a Wendy's frosty diet.

[708] Yes, with salt on top of his burger.

[709] He's dunking the fries and the frosty.

[710] He's going crazy.

[711] All fucking bets are off when Buffett walks into Wendy's.

[712] By the way, does he own Wendy?

[713] No, he just looks like Dave Thomas.

[714] He does.

[715] I'm conflating.

[716] Andy owns Dairy Queen, you know.

[717] well now that's a business i can get behind why is there one fucking dairy queen in l .A. county oh my god if anything speaks to this place having no culture it's that that is the greatest place in the world i mean dairy queen not only do they have cool treats they have hot eats yes that's the key everyone's got cool treats and a ton of folks have hot eats but together in one roof never happened stay tuned for more armchair expert if you did What's up, guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[718] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[719] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[720] And I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[721] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[722] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[723] We've all been there.

[724] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[725] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[726] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[727] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[728] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[729] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[730] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[731] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[732] What was the staff like in where you grew up at the Dairy Queen's?

[733] The staff like?

[734] Yeah, like what was the?

[735] their ethnicity.

[736] The Dairy Queen was in Ohio, which was all like hardcore, kind of like white.

[737] But where I grew up in Chicago, there's Dairy Queen over on Southport, which was kind of right in the center of Chicago.

[738] So we're talking diverse people.

[739] Do you not like diversity?

[740] Fucking bullshit.

[741] I was hoping you were going to say it was the way it was in my hometown, which it was literally and remains when I go home.

[742] I still go to my Milford Dairy Queen.

[743] It is run by 13 -year -old children.

[744] Yes.

[745] My eighth -grade girlfriend, Randy, Hamana, God bless her.

[746] What a beauty.

[747] Speaking of pedophile.

[748] That's an interesting thought experiment.

[749] Sure is.

[750] Because I am still attracted to her, but of course I haven't seen her since I was 13.

[751] No, your frame of references from when you were a boy.

[752] Yeah, that's right.

[753] That's fine.

[754] That's totally good.

[755] You now are not attracted, your younger self.

[756] Yes.

[757] What's your DQ order?

[758] When you want, when Dachsheper walks into DQ, what happened?

[759] I think people here even know it because I talk about it so much.

[760] I do two items.

[761] The best kept secret at Dairy Queen is the banana split bliss.

[762] You use it as a base.

[763] It's unbelievable.

[764] Then I'll pop in maybe some Reese's peanut buttercuts whatever fucking moot I'm in, some butterfingers.

[765] Who cares?

[766] But the base is key.

[767] I also pop on that order of Peanut Buster Parfet.

[768] That's my shit right there.

[769] It is.

[770] Pina buster parfe right there.

[771] That in the dilly bar, color me happy.

[772] Now, this is the upside of there not being any DQs in L .A., which is when we travel, first stop is Dairy Queen, wherever we land.

[773] If you're in fucking Paris, we're hitting Dairy Queen before we see the IP.

[774] We always go to that peristairia queen.

[775] It's so good.

[776] We love it.

[777] Do you want three musketeers in your blizzard?

[778] We do not have that.

[779] We have a fuck you.

[780] But when we go, since I know I don't have access to it, I go crazy.

[781] I go nuts.

[782] I go, I'm not going to decide between the banana split lizard and the peanut buster buffet.

[783] I'm going to get both.

[784] And then I'm going to throw up an hour later.

[785] Yeah.

[786] What's happening on this trip?

[787] I'm sadly at the point now where throughout the week I'll be like, Friday night I'm ordering John and Vinnie's I don't give a fuck and now I'm at the point where like I can't even enjoy it because I just know like Saturday morning my like four year old's gonna be like why are you in the bathroom for an hour I couldn't agree more but we love John and Vinnie's in case you're out there the greatest you're out there the best food the greatest guys are you disappointed the way I am when I was in my 20s the whole time I lived in Santa Monica I ate at 7 11 five days a week because They had two for $1 .39 chili dogs.

[788] I'd be through a half pack of cigarettes by lunch.

[789] I'd go in there and have four chili dogs.

[790] Yeah.

[791] I'd get drunk as hell on cheap beer.

[792] And I'd wake up in the morning and feel incredible.

[793] Yeah.

[794] I felt so good every day in my 20s.

[795] And now I don't do a damn thing.

[796] And to your point, I'll have a little J and V's.

[797] Oh.

[798] And the next morning I got me, I'm like, oh, my head hurts.

[799] Like, I'm a hungover.

[800] Why do we get it's a week?

[801] I had one little piece of soap or sada backstage and a beer and a half and I'm fucked tomorrow like my whole day it's like oh I need an IP okay now on food you just had your first dance with the devil I've had many of them I would love to hear in the name of your anal health your colon health you had your first colonoscopy congratulations thank you guys it's important to do take care of your out there.

[802] I had an endoscopy scheduled, which is a camera down the throat, because I have a little bit of acid reflux.

[803] And the doctor was like, oh, you're 45 now.

[804] While you're down there, do you want to, you mind if we, uh, they did Chinese finger cuffs on me, bro.

[805] They did.

[806] I was going to say, though, it's not while you're down there.

[807] It's a whole other.

[808] That's like saying, hey, while I'm redoing your roof, should I redo the foundation of your house?

[809] What?

[810] How are those Not while I'm down there, while you're medically unconscious.

[811] Okay, while you're on Propofal.

[812] He's like, do you mind if we do both?

[813] I said, dude, wash the camera.

[814] You can do it every one.

[815] I don't care.

[816] This was last Friday and...

[817] Oh, you're fresh off.

[818] I'm fresh off.

[819] I still feel like shit.

[820] It's rough, though.

[821] You've had five?

[822] Oh, at least, yeah.

[823] Wow.

[824] Yeah.

[825] Do you have to do the soup prep and stuff the day before?

[826] If you're thinking about having one, you should.

[827] But the procedure is wonderful.

[828] They give you a little versed, which is, a benz -o, and you get about 20 seconds of that, and if you engage them in conversation really hard, like I do, you can get about 45 seconds out of the anesthesiologists before they hit the plunger on the propofal.

[829] That was me, Lear dad, was like, have you guys seen inventing Anna?

[830] Yeah, I am.

[831] Like, they give me the Verset, and I go, oh, did you guys read the article?

[832] They got a cure for cancer?

[833] Like, the most important information possible.

[834] I forgot I tell you guys, I'm allergic to anti -bat.

[835] The day before.

[836] though, drinking that soup prep.

[837] You have to drink like two bottles of this stuff which I said taste like poison but it passed its expiration date.

[838] With pine sole in it though as well.

[839] Yeah, let's be fair.

[840] Oh, so bad.

[841] And then for like five hours, every three minutes you turn into Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber.

[842] Like you literally like my eyes were crossed.

[843] I was like oh!

[844] And first of all, you cannot be more than three inches from a toilet at any time.

[845] Oh, I was on Zoom all day, baby.

[846] I was like, yeah, guys, I wouldn't think, excuse me. And then the worst part is you can't eat that day.

[847] So I was so hungry that night.

[848] And I ordered, not John of Vinny's, but son of a gun for dinner.

[849] I ate a ton of it.

[850] My dad was like, oh, no. He's like, you're supposed to have like a whole wheat bagel or something.

[851] And I was like, not spicy linguine and ribs.

[852] Rips.

[853] So Saturday I met like one of my kids' friends' birthday parties.

[854] And I'm just, like, covered in sweat.

[855] Like, are you okay?

[856] I'm like, oh, yeah, it's fine.

[857] I had a bunch of equipment on my ass all day yesterday.

[858] I'm great.

[859] Oh, my God.

[860] I do the same thing.

[861] I don't ease back into it.

[862] My thing is, the longer I'm hungry, the more and more I want McDonald's.

[863] It's the same meal after every colonoscopy.

[864] What's the McDonald's order?

[865] It's two Big Macs, extra sauce, extra cheese, supersized fries, and an enormous Diet Coke.

[866] And then I'm like, now we're back in business.

[867] It's a reset.

[868] You want to get mad at me?

[869] Yeah.

[870] I take a Big Mac.

[871] pull off that middle piece of bread dog you ditch it not because it's like carbs or anything i'm just like the extra bread you try it sometime it's interesting okay but just to counter it i often would be when i was a drug addict partying with somebody who's banging lines and killing darts and they tell me they're vegetarian i'm like no but you know what you're not you're a big dumpster of chemicals own it i don't get eating two -thirds of the bread on a big man Mac, just, you're in, man. You're in for a penny.

[872] You're in for a pound.

[873] I did it once.

[874] And again, it's not because I'm like, oh, I feel too bloated.

[875] It just like the meat on the meat with the sauce, it hits nice.

[876] Okay, it hits harder.

[877] It hits nice.

[878] TMI.

[879] T -M -I.

[880] Yeah, talk to the hand, dog.

[881] That's where you're going to get your layer of paste.

[882] Yeah, the bread is there for a paste maker.

[883] True, true, but just try it one time.

[884] I'll try it.

[885] I'll try it.

[886] This will be a tit for tat.

[887] Will you try extra sauce, extra cheese?

[888] Because it is a game changer.

[889] But can you get extras?

[890] Yes, yes.

[891] And in fact, not only will you get it, they'll actually have to make it.

[892] Now, do they make it?

[893] Are they like, motherfucker?

[894] This Dax Shepard piece of shit.

[895] No, there's an artisan back there that's like, finally a challenge.

[896] Because every time he makes the typical big make, he's like, BDDT, PDT, PDT, PDTDT, PDTDT, BDTDT, BDTDT, BDTDT, BDTDT.

[897] He's like, thank you, Dax for letting me shine.

[898] Extra what?

[899] Sauce?

[900] Sauce?

[901] Cheese?

[902] They have to run to the back of the restaurant to get extra anything.

[903] It's happening.

[904] It's happening.

[905] Yes.

[906] they are a sponsor to be to be fair yes yes we love them i get a lot of heat for that sponsor people like to brave yeah yes on messaging they're like it's so disappointed in my morals that i talk about it and i always respond like i eat there what do you want me to do act like i don't also it's it's fucking mcdonalds it's like it's like these people that are like we're gonna take disney down i'm like good fucking luck all these conservatives are like we will not be letting my kid watch Disney.

[907] And I'm like, that poor kid, he's going to come to school and all of his friends are going to be like, oh, my God, have you seen Enkanto 3?

[908] And he's going to be like, no, my parents made me watch a Ben Shapiro video.

[909] He's going to get bullied.

[910] But I have to assume if we're talking about it in such a fun, carefree manner, there were no polyps.

[911] No, no polyps.

[912] Congratulations.

[913] No polyps.

[914] That's what we're going for.

[915] I like that.

[916] Really good job.

[917] Yeah, everything looked healthy upstairs downstairs.

[918] Here's a fun thought.

[919] My next time, I might make them put a white sheet over my butt cheeks, cut a hole, and then put the camera in there.

[920] That's pretty nice.

[921] Yeah.

[922] I'll tell them I'm something.

[923] I just need you to tell me the particular...

[924] I'll say the specific branch of Judaism that will justify that.

[925] And they'll be like, he's from Upper Peninsula, Michigan.

[926] He's not orthodox, too.

[927] The guy who'd performed my recent one, which was a, I don't know, a year ago or something, not relevant but what is relevant is it was during COVID so I did my pre -consultation with him over Zoom so I'm on the bed and I'm on a first date basically with a dude who's going to be all in my ass and he's being nice he's being a very good doctor but then Kristen sits next to me on the bed your wife movie star exactly he's in the room with you yeah yeah not no not during the procedure right okay this is The telemedicine.

[928] For some reason, I thought, like, you're bent over, and he's in there, and Kristen's like, oh.

[929] She would.

[930] She'd be invited.

[931] Yeah.

[932] She shaved my asshole for a movie once, where I had nudity.

[933] Like, I guess if you have a fantasy, like, oh, it'd be fun to be married to Brad Pitt.

[934] It would be.

[935] But also, you'll have to shave his asshole sometimes.

[936] Oh, my God.

[937] I don't even tell my wife I have an asshole.

[938] If only.

[939] I use the wrong example.

[940] I use the wrong example.

[941] Would die to.

[942] We'd all love to shave his asshole I would in a fucking LA minute Yeah which is three minutes I'd take each hair out individually So I could save it absolutely I have a little nest Oh he's so beautiful How is he getting hotter?

[943] It's crazy It's annoying Have you seen the trailer for fucking bullet train?

[944] No He's wearing one of these dumb soup hats Like a run DMC hat You and I would look like fucking bozos in it And he's strolling through Tokyo with this thing And I'm like God those are the coolest hats I gotta get one and I'm gonna look stupid in it.

[945] Nick Kroll had a 40th birthday party and everyone there was people that you'd seen before.

[946] Sure.

[947] Fucking Brad Pitt shows.

[948] Oh.

[949] And every famous person in the party was like, do you know Brad Pitt's here?

[950] Brad Pitt's right over it.

[951] Is he behind me?

[952] Is he looking at me?

[953] You're right.

[954] I've been around him as well and you can look at everybody that's there and you can see in their eyes all they're thinking is Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt.

[955] And I felt bad for him.

[956] I'm like, oh, it's so isolating because I'm just thinking Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt, and I look over this guy.

[957] Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt.

[958] And clearly he can see it.

[959] Oh, my God.

[960] Yeah.

[961] He's amazing.

[962] Okay, but you have to imagine that you're not married to Brad Pitt.

[963] You're married to Paul Gianmani.

[964] He's a wonderful actor.

[965] Very funny.

[966] He's probably went to a great college.

[967] Great personality.

[968] You have to shave his asshole sometimes.

[969] If you're married to him.

[970] I love him so much.

[971] He's the king.

[972] He's the greatest.

[973] He's fantastic.

[974] You love Stern.

[975] He was, uh...

[976] He was pig vomit.

[977] Big vomit.

[978] That's the first time I saw him.

[979] Also, his father was the old Baseball Commissioner, A. Bartlett Giamatti.

[980] You're an encyclopedia.

[981] You really are.

[982] Oh, shit.

[983] Yeah, it's great.

[984] You know every movie, every actor, every manager of a baseball club.

[985] But, like, literally, I could not remember my PIN number two weeks ago.

[986] I stood at the ATM, I was like, I know there's a four.

[987] I know there's a four.

[988] With your knowledge, you don't need to be bothered by that stuff.

[989] That's pedestrian stuff.

[990] Remember you're so rich.

[991] Guys, I am swimming in it.

[992] Yeah.

[993] But we don't have a pool.

[994] doing very very well for yourself okay now I want to get into some of your amazing projects that are coming up it's only going better and better and better since we talked to you less first and foremost we just saw Chris and I were in London last week and we actually went to a movie because we didn't have kids with us it was incredible and we saw the unbearable weight of massive talent if you guys haven't seen that movie you must see it especially if you're a Nick Cage fan it will not get better for you I was crying laughing he killed it unbelievable with this nouveau shamanic acting A nouveau shamanic acting.

[995] Yes.

[996] So naturally, my first thought, well, first, you're in it, which was so exciting.

[997] A small part, but it's fun.

[998] There's no small part, so many small actors.

[999] That is true, and I get paid by the frame.

[1000] That's right.

[1001] Then you made $1 ,000, yeah.

[1002] I have to imagine you two, or Nick Cage fan, we're roughly the same age.

[1003] Huge.

[1004] I told of this, because the first day we worked together, it's like the scene with him and Tiffany Haddish.

[1005] and I'm in her ear.

[1006] Which, by the way, that's your about 12th movie with her.

[1007] I know.

[1008] She's the best.

[1009] So I'm, like, in the scene, and I'm reading my lines, but he doesn't know that.

[1010] He thinks I'm just, like, some local guy who's, like, a fan of his.

[1011] A local hire.

[1012] A local hire.

[1013] In Greece.

[1014] I fucking hate this.

[1015] Every time he looks at me, I'm, like, looking at him and, like, smile.

[1016] Like, when it's, like, ah, shit.

[1017] And then, like, I walked up to him, and I was like, I know your cousin.

[1018] And he goes, oh, who?

[1019] Because I work with a guy who's his cousin.

[1020] I couldn't remember his cousin's name, but I go, oh, man. And he was, like, annoyed, you know, so I was like, oh, that fucking sucks.

[1021] But then we did, like, a bunch of scenes together.

[1022] Did you win them over?

[1023] Oh, my God.

[1024] With these old actors.

[1025] Okay.

[1026] You got to tell them you love, like, a random movie that they did.

[1027] Oh, like, like Vampires Kiss.

[1028] A deep cut.

[1029] We're sitting in this van.

[1030] I just kind of go to the room.

[1031] I'm like, what was your first Nick Cage movie?

[1032] And I was like, mine was Peggy Sue got married.

[1033] Oh, sure.

[1034] Eddie Sue got married with Kathleen Turner, 1985.

[1035] Nick Cage shows up and I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?

[1036] And Nick goes, oh, oh, yeah.

[1037] Oh, no, that was a good one.

[1038] That was a good one.

[1039] That was what we had a lot of fun.

[1040] I'm like, oh, wonderful.

[1041] They want you to pull that deep cut that they love, but no one else does.

[1042] Then he loves me. Okay, I'm obsessed with him.

[1043] If anyone's not seeing vampires kiss, it's the most incredible movie with Nick Cage, and in it he believes he's a vampire.

[1044] He's not.

[1045] Which is such a perfect recipe for Nick And there's a famous scene where he does the alphabet.

[1046] Do you remember this?

[1047] He's in therapy.

[1048] He's really upset at his assistant.

[1049] And he goes, She couldn't find the file.

[1050] It's so simple.

[1051] A, B, C, D. E, F, G, H. Oh, my God.

[1052] Like, he's a human set piece.

[1053] You would think, it's just on the page, it's the alphabet.

[1054] And you're the director, and you're like, holy fuck.

[1055] I didn't know he was going to get on the table.

[1056] Yeah, like, if he saw you setting up the camera, he's like, there's not an, room.

[1057] I'm going to be everywhere during the alphabet.

[1058] He's beautiful, though.

[1059] He walks up to you, and he's tall.

[1060] He's tall like you.

[1061] He walks up.

[1062] He's got those blue eyes, and he gets right in your face, and you're like, you are fucking gorgeous, man. Yeah, he's so gorgeous.

[1063] He's gorgeous.

[1064] And he's not.

[1065] That's what's so incredible about it.

[1066] Oh, no, he's weird.

[1067] He's weird, but then you look right in the eyes.

[1068] You're like, oh, there's a whole thing going on.

[1069] You can see the other side of the galaxy in those things.

[1070] All actors before them, were like tens.

[1071] He shows up and is like, I'm just going to talk kind of funny.

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] Guys like us are like, yes, I don't ever have to have a real job.

[1074] Yeah, that's inspiring.

[1075] Representation in film.

[1076] Yes.

[1077] Big time.

[1078] Representation for weirdos with big shoulders.

[1079] Finally, our time has arrived.

[1080] I was like, he is getting by on being tall.

[1081] I can do this.

[1082] Okay, so.

[1083] Was your shit here now?

[1084] It was all here.

[1085] It was all here.

[1086] They shot it in like, Micanotes and like Bucharest or something.

[1087] Oh, Bougarrest.

[1088] I got to do.

[1089] is a Glendale portion.

[1090] Oh, beautiful.

[1091] Real nice.

[1092] What a bummer.

[1093] You're like, your agent calls.

[1094] Hey, Ike, what's going on?

[1095] Hey, man, what's up?

[1096] Oh, baby, you're going to love this one, baby.

[1097] Oh, what is it?

[1098] What is it?

[1099] I just got this call, boy.

[1100] Let me ask you a question.

[1101] Do you like Nicholas Cage?

[1102] Oh, my God.

[1103] Yeah, I'm a 45 -year -old white dude.

[1104] I fucking love Nicholas Cage.

[1105] Thank you.

[1106] You're going to be starring next to Nicholas Cage in an upcoming film called The Imperable Something, Something.

[1107] I didn't read the script, but I know I'm bearables in it and talents in it.

[1108] And guess what?

[1109] It shoots in fucking Micanos.

[1110] Oh my God, I wanted to go there for school.

[1111] Your work is in Glendale.

[1112] Okay.

[1113] Is it before the Galleria or after?

[1114] Unfortunately, I do think it is north of the gallery.

[1115] It's north?

[1116] Yeah, so Encino, I guess.

[1117] I can't do it.

[1118] I can't fucking do it.

[1119] Two minutes later.

[1120] I just I decided I'll do it.

[1121] But here's the deal.

[1122] I'm not doing it unless they send a car and driver.

[1123] Okay, I'll self -drive.

[1124] Fine, I'll do it.

[1125] No, I don't need a trailer.

[1126] Who needs a fucking trailer?

[1127] I'm going to be hanging with Nick all the time in his trailer.

[1128] Oh, yeah, I'll be a Nick's trailer, I imagine.

[1129] Okay, so anyways, that movie, I was so delighted and incredibly jealous that you got to meet him.

[1130] I begged him to come on the show like nobody else.

[1131] I've written many letters to Nicholas Cage, and I don't know if they've been read, and if they have.

[1132] I clearly didn't do a deep enough cut.

[1133] Had I known, I would have told him.

[1134] I should have called you.

[1135] Always called.

[1136] I didn't know is what it was.

[1137] I'll get you everyone.

[1138] Nick Cage, Bill Gates, Obama, whatever you need.

[1139] Giumani's uncle who is the baseball.

[1140] Hey, Bartlett, Giumani.

[1141] Wait, what was he the president?

[1142] He was the commissioner of baseball in like 1988 to like 1996 -ish, I would say.

[1143] That's pretty specific time frame.

[1144] Do you make a lot of paper as the commissioner of MLB?

[1145] How's he doing financially as well?

[1146] He passed away, he passed away while he was the commissioner.

[1147] Oh, died doing what he loved.

[1148] He died doing he loved commissioning baseball.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] How does no commission baseball, doesn't each team play like 130 games and there's 600 teams?

[1151] You can't have a possible clue what's going on in that league if you're the commissioner.

[1152] That's like being the commissioner of sand on a beach.

[1153] Yeah, there's too much.

[1154] Did anyone kill anyone last night?

[1155] No?

[1156] Still play today.

[1157] I bet if you did the math, there's probably like 22 ,000 baseball games in the country in a season.

[1158] You have to commission them all.

[1159] What does that mean?

[1160] The commissioner really is the person who decides the punishment.

[1161] So the big thing commissioners had to deal with in our lifetime of steroids.

[1162] So they were the ones that were like Pete Rose and you're out and Barry Bonds, you're in.

[1163] That was, I'd say they're...

[1164] Claim to fame.

[1165] How do we think they handled it?

[1166] Do you have a verdict?

[1167] I mean, I use steroids.

[1168] Yeah, let's start there.

[1169] I'm on a seven -year cycle.

[1170] Uh -huh.

[1171] Just shot up backstage.

[1172] She walked in on me and my pants down, but the needle put it in.

[1173] did 100 pull -ups right before we came out.

[1174] I don't, I don't care.

[1175] Yeah, does anybody?

[1176] I'm just like, I don't care.

[1177] I don't know who they're talking to.

[1178] I don't know who they're making happy.

[1179] Like, who gives a fuck?

[1180] In fact, I don't care what anyone's doing for anything.

[1181] I was about to try to come up with an analogy of how much I wouldn't care.

[1182] There's like five things in the world I care about right now and, like, baseball players having, like, massive shoulders and tiny balls.

[1183] I just don't care.

[1184] I know.

[1185] I know.

[1186] Also, like, we're taking this so serious as a bunch of men.

[1187] in matching costumes swinging at this tiny ball like this is a big deal they better not be cheating there's nothing less consequential it's a past time we need an integrity in this game where the old manager also wears the uniform yeah is he the mascot or the manager I feel bad for old managers they come out they got to wear cleats and stuff I'm like this is like an old man you're right they should be wearing like a sweatsuit and some lovers Nice comfortable.

[1188] Some board shorts.

[1189] Yeah, they're not going to be put in as a pitch hitter, right?

[1190] The thought of like a Jim Leland in board shorts running out and yelling at an empire.

[1191] My favorite was when they were getting real, you know, with Lance Armstrong, and I watched a couple different documentaries.

[1192] My favorite was when they interviewed cyclists, like, who've been doing it for 40 years.

[1193] Like, the notion that this was ever a clean sports hysterical, this was an outlaw sport where we all did speed and coke when we race and we fucking partied.

[1194] we're party animals.

[1195] So it's not like somehow something was soiled.

[1196] It's always been for scumbags bike racing.

[1197] Well, then they should just make it legal.

[1198] But it isn't there when it's illegal and then some people are doing it.

[1199] Well, it sounds like one nerd wasn't doing it.

[1200] Right.

[1201] And it's like, oh, I just want to say it's bullshit that some of us take this seriously.

[1202] You're 100 % right.

[1203] It's so me. I would so be that person and hate everyone.

[1204] Yeah, I watched one on.

[1205] And they made a great parallel.

[1206] They're like, okay, well, let's just break this down.

[1207] So people who go to med school, they take Adderall before exams.

[1208] That's pretty well known.

[1209] People dope to be smart.

[1210] Performers that audition for symphony orchestras take beta blockers so that their heart rate doesn't go up so that they can perform.

[1211] So people get their eyes augmented with Lasic surgery so that they can be better at their craft.

[1212] But that's a no -no.

[1213] It's just confusing.

[1214] Oh, wow.

[1215] Guys, I've got a new product called Shepard Steroids.

[1216] I don't know why I'm planting such a flag in this.

[1217] topic.

[1218] Okay, next thing.

[1219] I bet a lot of people in this room saw the after party on Apple.

[1220] It's so fucking good.

[1221] Hey, now.

[1222] Thank you.

[1223] You're so great in it, and I'm jealous when I see a cast like that.

[1224] It's a good cast.

[1225] I know.

[1226] And I've just, I've never been in a cast like that.

[1227] It's not true.

[1228] Yeah, parenthood, you're right.

[1229] Parenthood's like a fucking murderous row.

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] Well, we were talking about Chris Miller and Phil Lord and how they're like the coolest, I'm suspiciously hot.

[1232] That was also the first thing that any of us had shot coming out of like the hardcore lockdown.

[1233] So, like, I had seen no one but my family for, like, five months.

[1234] So I had all these bits I had been sitting on that I was just like, oh, oh, are you guys talking about Tiger King?

[1235] Well, here's the thing about that.

[1236] Hey, Ike, no, no, no, we didn't say Tiger King.

[1237] Oh, you didn't?

[1238] No, no, no. We said the King of Saudi Arabia, BSB -B -B -B -M -S -2.

[1239] Yeah, you just heard King.

[1240] That reminds me of a Michael Jordan documentary when he said I took that very personally.

[1241] It was just like months of just stockpiled bits from like a bunch of comedy people.

[1242] We shot in like October 2020, so it was like hardcore, like COVID was still very scary.

[1243] Yeah.

[1244] It was just like a very weird time.

[1245] So to get to go and have that nice time with like funny people and then go to the world on fire was actually very nice.

[1246] You just threw it out backstage and then you moved right on.

[1247] But you said that this experience, COVID, the pandemic, almost broke you.

[1248] Yeah.

[1249] I publicly relapsed.

[1250] I don't know if you heard.

[1251] I did hear that.

[1252] Okay, great.

[1253] I didn't get a congratulations text.

[1254] Yeah, rude.

[1255] I didn't know the protocol.

[1256] I didn't know if you wanted to just move on and pretend like it didn't happen or really embrace it, brother.

[1257] I imagine people were going through that.

[1258] Like, is this something I...

[1259] Yeah, like, I don't know what you say.

[1260] What do you say?

[1261] Yeah, that's a weird...

[1262] You fucked up.

[1263] Welcome back.

[1264] Congrats.

[1265] Happy birthday.

[1266] I love you.

[1267] Actually, really, what do you recommend people say if they're in that position?

[1268] Measeltov.

[1269] You're never going to lose with texting someone hashtag Measeltoff.

[1270] It's a...

[1271] kind of a cure -all for everything.

[1272] It's a blanket.

[1273] It's like Aloha.

[1274] I think it's unique to some people, right?

[1275] Like, I personally was fine doing that episode because it was you and I. And then I was fine with it going out into the world not thinking people will text me. And then I am such a codependent.

[1276] I feel like I have to respond like, oh, but don't worry.

[1277] My thought is just like, oh, fuck, now I made this person scared.

[1278] And now I got to convince them that this has never happened.

[1279] And then it becomes what I think is like, I'm going to walk them to do everything I'm doing.

[1280] You dodged a bullet by now.

[1281] not reaching out.

[1282] I know.

[1283] That's why I did it.

[1284] I would have like cut and paste at the four step.

[1285] Right in the middle of the four step.

[1286] I did figure I had some resentment.

[1287] We'd love to come over and hash it out with you.

[1288] It's like, ah, it's bedtime, man. Wait, so you would recommend not reaching out.

[1289] Boy, see, I have a certain ego, which is like I hate when I'm not in control, like when I'm weak, quote weak.

[1290] So I'm just uncomfortable in the situation where we're talking about the fact that I failed.

[1291] Other people, I think, are really good at accepting help and they feel loved in that situation.

[1292] So I don't know.

[1293] I've had some friends who were in the news for things that suck, things that I'm not happy they did.

[1294] Pedophiles.

[1295] Just saying.

[1296] I also know some dudes who spread measles through a sheet.

[1297] Let's not leave them out.

[1298] And I text them.

[1299] I'll just be like, hey, I still see you and you're still in my thoughts.

[1300] And like, you didn't disappear.

[1301] This blows.

[1302] I don't know.

[1303] Have you had to do that?

[1304] Yeah, my buddy Kevin Spacey, I reached out to him.

[1305] And I said, The darkest day is only 24 hours.

[1306] I'm so glad you brought that up because I was not going to tell anyone that I've been texting profusely with Weinstein.

[1307] I just needed him to know.

[1308] I'm still thinking about you.

[1309] Still in his corner.

[1310] Every time I watch an early Miramax movie, I just text them.

[1311] Paul fiction is still good, Harvey.

[1312] I remember seeing a picture of him like in court.

[1313] Oh, yes.

[1314] And it looked like shit, and he was walking court, and he had a walker with the fucking tennis balls.

[1315] And I was like, the tennis balls are the great equalizer in this world.

[1316] Because you got a rich fucking guy and a really poor guy.

[1317] Everyone puts at the end of the day, guys, you're going to put tennis balls on your walker.

[1318] Just know that is coming.

[1319] I couldn't agree with you more.

[1320] What a great observation.

[1321] Like, give people some dignity.

[1322] We can't invent something that just performs like a tennis ball.

[1323] I love that a billionaire is talking to his osteopath.

[1324] And it's like, it moves a little bit when I walk.

[1325] And they're like, I got this.

[1326] Hey, bring in the Prince threes.

[1327] Fresh can, pop them.

[1328] Am I exacto blade?

[1329] You're right, we can't do better than that.

[1330] We can't do better than that.

[1331] That's as good as it's ever going to get.

[1332] It'll be like a year 2070.

[1333] You'll be needing to take your walker over to your jetpack.

[1334] They won't even play tennis.

[1335] People won't even know, like, what is that thing?

[1336] Oh, no. You just have the tennis chip implanted in your brain.

[1337] We're playing doubles right now.

[1338] Yeah, it'll be an icon like the phone.

[1339] Like I always think about when my kids look at an iPhone.

[1340] and there's a picture of this banana on it.

[1341] And they're like, that means phone, but for no reason.

[1342] You know what I'm saying?

[1343] The icon is an old -fashioned.

[1344] Yeah, it's obsolete now.

[1345] I had a dialer growing up.

[1346] We had a little, what do they call it?

[1347] Spinny dial.

[1348] Spinny dial.

[1349] Yeah.

[1350] Rotary.

[1351] Thank you.

[1352] Were you like, ma 'am, I'm so impatient.

[1353] And I used to try to dial that motherfucker fast.

[1354] Bam, bam, bam!

[1355] And you would hurt your finger on the stop.

[1356] Bam, bang, bam, bam, bam, bam.

[1357] Do they have party lines when you grew up?

[1358] Yes.

[1359] Yeah.

[1360] People were so bored in like 1984.

[1361] There was no internet.

[1362] No internet.

[1363] No internet.

[1364] they're like, oh, here's a number you can call.

[1365] And other people will be on there.

[1366] And you can talk to them.

[1367] And it's a party.

[1368] And yeah, maybe one of them is like a multi -state serial killer.

[1369] Sure.

[1370] But just talk to them.

[1371] And maybe 80 % of them are dudes jerking off.

[1372] It's all masturbating men.

[1373] But that commercial always would come on when I was watching Love Connection with Chuck Woolery back in two and two.

[1374] And I had, like, curiosity, my mother would have killed me if I spent four bucks to go to a party over the phone.

[1375] Yeah.

[1376] Whoa, that's weird.

[1377] Yes.

[1378] The other weird thing, did you have this?

[1379] We would do emergency breakthroughs before call waiting existed.

[1380] Yes, I emergency breakthroughed.

[1381] My dad one time.

[1382] Not your friends?

[1383] No, I emergency breakthroughed my dad.

[1384] I can't even remember why.

[1385] So back in the day, you'd call your friend, it was busy.

[1386] And you're like, unacceptable.

[1387] You call the operator.

[1388] I'd like to make an emergency breakthrough.

[1389] You're like 12 -year -old voice.

[1390] I'd like to make an emergency breakthrough.

[1391] They were so graceful.

[1392] They never asked you what the emergency was, thank God.

[1393] This is real.

[1394] Oh, yeah.

[1395] I believe you.

[1396] I just, I'm young.

[1397] Oh, that was just a dagger.

[1398] She just threw a dagger there.

[1399] Oh, this sounds really interesting, you old fucking losers.

[1400] She just put a cactus up my ass.

[1401] I love history lessons.

[1402] I love it.

[1403] Oh, you're going to love this one, Monica.

[1404] So you'd want to talk to Randy Hamina.

[1405] The phone's busy.

[1406] You have first priority.

[1407] You're dating.

[1408] You know, she's not a dairy queen.

[1409] You call, it's busy.

[1410] I'd like to make an emergency breakthrough.

[1411] Please hold.

[1412] You'd be talking, and you'd hear, I've, an emergency breakthrough from Dax?

[1413] And then they'd hang up and you'd call back, hey, what's up?

[1414] And you wouldn't even acknowledge it.

[1415] But what would happen one in 10 times is you'd call back, and I'm going to talk to Randy and the mom would answer.

[1416] Your instinct was to be like to pretend that didn't happen, but they used your name.

[1417] There's no way out of it.

[1418] Yeah, well, you should add a code like emergency breakthrough from Michael.

[1419] The opera is like, no, it was the horniest young man. You should get in the zip code, ma 'am.

[1420] So yeah, that's how you operated back then.

[1421] And then three -way calling came around.

[1422] But also, our big thing, we would prank people by connecting them.

[1423] You dial one number, and then you hold, and then you hit another number and connect them.

[1424] So, like, you would connect your friend with, like, some senior he had a crush on.

[1425] This did happen to me. Hello?

[1426] And it would be like, hello?

[1427] And they'd be like, who is this?

[1428] This is Karen.

[1429] Oh, Karen, what?

[1430] Oh, and like, oh, this is a prank hole.

[1431] I'm sorry.

[1432] Like, it was so embarrassing.

[1433] Stay tuned for more.

[1434] Armchair expert, if you dare.

[1435] We're going to tell us a prank story, actually, right?

[1436] It was?

[1437] Which prank story?

[1438] Didn't he tell us?

[1439] He had a prank?

[1440] Oh, you pulled a prank on Nick Cage.

[1441] Was that it?

[1442] Oh, McConaughey.

[1443] McConaughey!

[1444] Yes, we were talking about McConaughey, and then I do McConaughey, and then you said you had a McConaughey story.

[1445] You did a very good McConaughey, by the way.

[1446] Do you McConaughey?

[1447] Okay.

[1448] I always started the same way, because I met him in real life.

[1449] Mr. Daxe, Mr. Dax.

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] What happened with that movie chips?

[1452] I heard Warner Brothers dumped it.

[1453] I heard that was a good movie.

[1454] Not enough to say he saw it and it was good.

[1455] I heard it was a good movie.

[1456] Come on, man. And I got to talk and do him and I'm obsessed with him, right?

[1457] And my obsession was always through the addict mind.

[1458] And I just can't believe that guy is always partying until 7 in the morning and then hard workouts, right?

[1459] So I said to him, hey, I notice you're often like up real late and then you're out jogging around and you do great at it.

[1460] You must have some constitution.

[1461] And he said, yeah, I did have a constitution.

[1462] You know, my father, father smoke.

[1463] three packs a day.

[1464] His whole life, went to the heart doctor, came home from the examination.

[1465] He told me, they told me I got the heart of a 13 -year -old high hurdler.

[1466] We were just talking backstage of green lights.

[1467] I was going to write a book about yellow lights, speed up.

[1468] Too slow.

[1469] Too slow.

[1470] And a red light, red light, you don't move at all.

[1471] You just kind of sit there all idle.

[1472] Sometimes I see a red light and I make it a green light.

[1473] I'm my own hero.

[1474] I close my eyes.

[1475] I see green.

[1476] on Florida.

[1477] He's so nice.

[1478] I met him.

[1479] He's awesome.

[1480] He's the fucking coolest guy.

[1481] And I did Eastbound and down with him, you know?

[1482] And I go and I meet him and Danny's like, hey, this is Ike, this is Matthew.

[1483] He's like, how you doing, man?

[1484] How you doing?

[1485] And I go, good.

[1486] We actually met before.

[1487] I was an extra and rain of fire.

[1488] Which I wasn't.

[1489] And I just was like, I thought it would be like funny.

[1490] It sounds serious though.

[1491] It sounds serious.

[1492] He's so nice.

[1493] He goes, yes, you were, man. I remember you.

[1494] How are you doing, man?

[1495] You look good, man. You look good.

[1496] And that second he broke my heart.

[1497] Yeah.

[1498] Oh, I thought so fucking stupid.

[1499] Yeah.

[1500] I should have just walked away and quit.

[1501] And I was like, I wasn't in rain of fire.

[1502] Oh, no. He's like, I knew, I knew I never saw you in Dublin.

[1503] And I was like, oh, fucking kill me. But anyways, we moved on and he was very sweet to me. We were at a camping trip, and McConaughey was there.

[1504] And Chris and I, we had her children.

[1505] So we were in a tent, like fucking nerds, at 9 p .m. But the party went on.

[1506] without us and he made this speech at some point and it went on for a long long time and it started with boys and girls boys and girls and everyone was in in in anyways i'm going to fast forward to the embarrassing stuff but the point is is i remember rolling over like 4 30 in the morning and i could hear outside my tent that's the thing you go over there to get a sandwich you might come out with a haircut and so i clock fucking mccani is still at it i then was up super early with my children And I went over to this area that had water, and here comes McConaughey.

[1507] We're all camping.

[1508] He somehow was leaving a shower.

[1509] That's for real.

[1510] We were all, specifically, you got a camp, not him.

[1511] He was in the main house.

[1512] He came out and he was just, hey, he'd just come out of the shower, and he looked so good.

[1513] So clean, yeah.

[1514] He looked incredible.

[1515] I'm like, how did this guy not sleep yet?

[1516] And he looks fresh.

[1517] How has this guy done acid all night and has slept and showers?

[1518] But I generally applaud his constitution.

[1519] I heard another story, and I actually asked Ash, If I could tell this when I interviewed him, and when I interviewed him, I brought it up.

[1520] Ashton was one time on an island in the Caribbean, and he was at a bonfire, and it was New Year's Eve, and he was partying with McConaughey.

[1521] He too went to sleep.

[1522] He heard McConaughey going hard all night.

[1523] You ever pull your car into a gas station, see the Lord?

[1524] Oh, yeah.

[1525] You ever shake hands with the Lord?

[1526] He goes back to sleep.

[1527] He wakes up early in the morning.

[1528] Coucher's excited to check in with the football game on New Year's Day.

[1529] He turns on the TV to the University of Texas football game and McConaughey's on the sidelines.

[1530] And he's like, forget that he somehow has the energy to be there.

[1531] How did he get to Texas?

[1532] He can teleport.

[1533] He somehow had a flight at like 4 a .m. out of an island in the Bahamas.

[1534] It was on the sidelines with the coach with a headset on.

[1535] Fucking go get them.

[1536] Tear them up long.

[1537] long horns.

[1538] That's what Adrenachrome will get you.

[1539] That's impressive.

[1540] It is.

[1541] I'm just impressed by people's New Year's where they're like, I was on an island.

[1542] I'm like, my New Year's like, I call my wife, I'm the Genghis Colm, they don't have the order.

[1543] So lame.

[1544] When you give your name for takeout, do they fuck it up?

[1545] Because it's so easy.

[1546] I...

[1547] Oh, no. I always say, Jack Shepherd.

[1548] Okay.

[1549] Well, then I know how that goes.

[1550] I got pubes in every meal.

[1551] I had a dentist.

[1552] growing up.

[1553] The sweetest man, one of the first times I saw him, he goes, because my real name's Isaac, and he goes, Isaac, do people call you Zach?

[1554] And I go, yep.

[1555] And for eight years, he called me Zach.

[1556] And then by the end, it was Zachary.

[1557] People like, Zachary, how are you?

[1558] I'm like, good.

[1559] Okay, you have two great things coming out, and we're all going to watch them.

[1560] One of them you are a showrunner of.

[1561] Is that fair to say?

[1562] Co -show runner.

[1563] I have my partners.

[1564] I have my partners?

[1565] That's a very hard job.

[1566] As everyone knows, it's the one I tip my hat the most, too, is if people will remember Mel Brooks's History of the World, he's doing a fucking series, History of the World Part 2.

[1567] Part 2.

[1568] Ooh.

[1569] And Mel Brooks is in it.

[1570] Is he in it?

[1571] Yeah.

[1572] Yes, he will be for sure in it.

[1573] Oh, okay.

[1574] We've been writing for a long time and he's been active part of the writing process.

[1575] Now as we're getting into production, he is 96.

[1576] Ninety -six.

[1577] I don't want him to be at set tomorrow and catch the will turn variant as it will be known.

[1578] He's very around and pitching jokes and I love that.

[1579] Thank you, thank you for telling a dirty joke.

[1580] Thank you.

[1581] Oh, that's what he says.

[1582] And the subtext of that is like, I hate that we can't make these jokes anymore.

[1583] Yeah?

[1584] At first I thought that, but then I just kind of thought that he just likes to hear those kind of things.

[1585] Me too.

[1586] I like pervy jokes a lot.

[1587] Me too.

[1588] We're perverted.

[1589] Big -time perverts.

[1590] Put your hands together for you're a pervert.

[1591] God, if you're perfect.

[1592] If you're in this audience, you probably are.

[1593] And you're doing that with Nick Kroll.

[1594] Doing that with Nick Kroll, my partner, Realheads Node, Dave Stassen, episode 39.

[1595] We only mention his name fucking 100 times.

[1596] Best joke I ever heard.

[1597] I repeat it all the time.

[1598] I think you've heard me repeated on the podcast.

[1599] Just tell people what you tell folks.

[1600] When you're in a meeting, I want the old version, and now I want the new version.

[1601] So Dave Stassen is my writing partner and my best friend for many years.

[1602] And we have said multiple times throughout tonight, I am Jewish, and he's very not and does not look at it all.

[1603] and we were in a meeting years ago and it was a meeting with lots of different people, some of whom were Jewish, and someone made a reference to the Holocaust and I said, can we not mention the Holocaust?

[1604] Dave's grandfather died in the Holocaust.

[1605] He fell off a guard tower.

[1606] That is the best joke I think I've ever heard.

[1607] I told Jackson, I go, I don't make that joke anymore.

[1608] I'm done with that joke.

[1609] I now say, can we not make fun of Nazis because Dave's grandfather was killed by the French resistance?

[1610] It's very close, but it's all that.

[1611] Jason.

[1612] The point is that he is a nonsense.

[1613] You do tell that a lot, but you're not Jewish.

[1614] So when you do it, I get very scared.

[1615] Have you ever seen a backfire?

[1616] And I just didn't notice it.

[1617] Monica, that's a question to you.

[1618] Oh, every time.

[1619] Oh, okay.

[1620] All right.

[1621] It scares me every time.

[1622] There's another great joke that my friend Larry Trelling told me. He told me his favorite part of Passover is that there's a period, at least in his family, where he's with the rabbi, and they tell all these amazing jokes.

[1623] I don't know if this is at all.

[1624] Does this ring true to you at all?

[1625] Yes, rabbis love telling jokes.

[1626] Yes, so the one that he told me, which is so funny, I'll repeat it now.

[1627] Again, I'm not Jewish, and I'm sorry.

[1628] A Jewish man goes to the doctor, and he says, I'm having a very hard time making my wife orgasm.

[1629] And he goes, oh, okay, I'm going to do a Jewish accent here.

[1630] Well, do not going to be your permission?

[1631] No, please.

[1632] It's a Netflix festival.

[1633] Come on.

[1634] Okay, okay.

[1635] What you want to do is go find a Gentile.

[1636] Find a Gentile and have him a swing a towel around.

[1637] I'm doing an Italian act.

[1638] I'm going to ditch the whole that part of the accent.

[1639] I didn't work.

[1640] Find a Gentile and have him spin a towel over his head while you have sex.

[1641] And she will have an orgasm.

[1642] And he goes, okay, so he goes and finds a big Gentile.

[1643] He asks the man, can you spin a towel over your head?

[1644] He has sex with his wife.

[1645] Still no orgasm.

[1646] He goes back to his doctor.

[1647] He says, I did everything you said to do.

[1648] And she did not have an orgasm.

[1649] And he goes, oh, let me think.

[1650] Ah, this time, have the Gentile have sex with.

[1651] to your wife, and you wave the towel over your head.

[1652] So, he goes and gets the big Gentile.

[1653] He has the Gentile, have sex with his wife.

[1654] He's spinning the towel over his head.

[1655] His wife starts coming.

[1656] He goes, that's how you spin a fucking towel.

[1657] That is a good one.

[1658] Oh, that's really good.

[1659] That's how you spin a fucking towel.

[1660] The only one I always go to is two Jews, past the Catholic Church and there's a huge sign that says convert to Catholicism and we pay you $200.

[1661] And the first guy goes, should we try it?

[1662] And the second guy goes, he's in there for like a half hour.

[1663] He comes out.

[1664] And the second guy goes, did they do it?

[1665] He goes, I don't know.

[1666] And he goes, did they give you the money?

[1667] He goes, is that all you people think about?

[1668] See, now, that's a joke I will never tell.

[1669] I'll never will tell one that plays on that stereotype.

[1670] But the notion that this guy thinks he's spinning the fuck out of that towel, I love.

[1671] That's human right there.

[1672] That transcends all ethnicities, religions, creeds, colors.

[1673] We've all been spinning the towel at some point in our life.

[1674] That's the binding tie.

[1675] Okay, now the last thing that is very exciting that's coming our way, too.

[1676] I know a lot of folks just have not had enough of Watergate.

[1677] Remember Nixon?

[1678] He's back.

[1679] They never made like a great movie about it, like President's Men or something.

[1680] It's just completely unmind territory.

[1681] This show, White House Plumbers, is the first time they are leaning into the comedy of.

[1682] Except for the movie Dick, which I love, which is actually a great movie with Kirsten Dundsen, Michelle Williams.

[1683] But all Watergate things are always so serious.

[1684] They are always like, these men almost took over the country.

[1685] And this is a comedy ver. It's like a little bit lighter.

[1686] Also, the whole caper is pretty embarrassing.

[1687] Like, we forget that.

[1688] It's not like, do you want to talk about conspiracies?

[1689] Because there's a fucking conspiracy that Nixon, and I don't believe this one.

[1690] Nixon didn't do Watergate.

[1691] that Watergate was propagated by the actual deep state.

[1692] Oh, boy.

[1693] Who hated Nixon.

[1694] So, because there's these tapes of Nixon going, this was not me, this was the beast.

[1695] And he refers to the beast as the deep state.

[1696] I don't believe that.

[1697] Again, I'll be at Walsher and Western.

[1698] There's a Denny's right there.

[1699] I'll be right in front.

[1700] You give me a moons over my hammy.

[1701] I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to hear.

[1702] Proposter is caper.

[1703] It's so stupid.

[1704] Some guy's still some files.

[1705] It's the biggest thing in the world.

[1706] guys.

[1707] It's already as stupid.

[1708] There was a good joke about it in Forrest Gump.

[1709] Yes.

[1710] Do you remember he's staying at the Watergate Hotel?

[1711] I think there's someone breaking in.

[1712] Yeah.

[1713] There's some, there's powers out or something he says.

[1714] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1715] Favorite line from that movie?

[1716] Life is like a box of chocolate.

[1717] Yeah, okay.

[1718] No, no, no, no. I was going to say a favorite movie from Forrest Gump.

[1719] It's such a dark line when young Forrest, he wants to go to school.

[1720] And the teacher's like, is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump?

[1721] And then they show Sally Field.

[1722] getting fucking balled out by the teacher.

[1723] Oh, boy.

[1724] I remember sitting there in the theaters and be like, oh, my God.

[1725] It's a hardcore fucking thing.

[1726] I didn't say, oh, my God.

[1727] And then I showed my kids that movie thinking, Forrest Gump, what a great movie.

[1728] Box of chocolates, inspirational.

[1729] Opening scene, Mom, fucks this sleaze.

[1730] And he comes out and he says, Your mother does take your education seriously.

[1731] Like, he almost had a heart attack.

[1732] He comes out like he's literally wiping his face.

[1733] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1734] He sweat up a storm.

[1735] He was hammering her.

[1736] Oh, my God.

[1737] Okay, or just in bad shape.

[1738] I think bad shape.

[1739] I take back hammering.

[1740] Yeah, that was the offensive part of tonight.

[1741] It was.

[1742] Okay, but back to White House plumber.

[1743] I'm assuming, do you actually play a plumber?

[1744] I'm a real guy, Jeb McGruber.

[1745] He was like one of the Nixon guys who was connected.

[1746] He was like the conduit between the White House and the actual.

[1747] It's all Woody Harrelson and Thoreau.

[1748] Okay, Justin Thoreau.

[1749] Justin Thoreau.

[1750] The ugliest guy in the world, Justin Thoreau.

[1751] No style either.

[1752] Perfect 10 Charlie and we're looking at pictures of him one day.

[1753] Oh, my God.

[1754] And we were devastated.

[1755] Like, literally, we were like, fucking, why do we try?

[1756] Early in the pandemic, we started watching the leftovers.

[1757] My wife had never seen it, so we started watching it.

[1758] It's so good.

[1759] He could have been an Abercrombie model.

[1760] He's fucking so ripped.

[1761] And he's jogging.

[1762] And I was like eating like ice cream on the couch.

[1763] I'm like, this one has a Reese's bar in it.

[1764] And my wife is like, that's a bummer.

[1765] He's so fucking hot, man. He's also, like, in real life, he'll be like, you know, you're going to dinner.

[1766] He's like, come over real quick, we're just going to take a quick shower.

[1767] He's always showering.

[1768] It's a very, very sensual thing to do.

[1769] Yeah, it is.

[1770] If you came over and I was like, hey, bro, real quick, I got to take a quick shower.

[1771] You know what's going to happen.

[1772] I wonder if that really happened.

[1773] Like, I'm there.

[1774] If you're at my house?

[1775] Yeah, yeah.

[1776] I've come over.

[1777] Like, I did that time to try to do a podcast.

[1778] And I held her child that didn't sway you either.

[1779] To say you at that moment.

[1780] I'm at that moment.

[1781] And I'm like, oh, man. That's so fucking cool, Dax.

[1782] Thanks for going to think about this.

[1783] Hey, you might have I fucking go take a shower real quick?

[1784] Of course I do.

[1785] Cool, man. No, no, of course I don't want you to take a shower because I'll be sitting here by myself for presumably 20 minutes or something.

[1786] We'll see.

[1787] Did you sit in Thoreau's apartment while he showered?

[1788] Yeah.

[1789] The only thing that could get me to go along with that plan is I would think, well, I'm going to go through some of his personal stuff.

[1790] He's got this very cute pit bull that you can sit and play with.

[1791] and stuff.

[1792] If you're good with dogs.

[1793] Now, I've been to his apartment, and I'm terrified the whole fucking time.

[1794] He's like, I rescued this thing right from a ring, a fighting ring.

[1795] You just got to, you know, let him know you're the boss.

[1796] I'm like, I'm not the boss of a 120 -pound fucking killing machine.

[1797] I didn't come over here to fucking fight your dog while you shower.

[1798] Just show me your t -shirt collection.

[1799] Where do I get those t -shirts?

[1800] It just, it's, it says Ramones, but it's got the blondeie logo.

[1801] How does it happen?

[1802] He's so fucking cool, though.

[1803] He's just.

[1804] He's so cool, man. Did you think maybe there was a chance he was going to come out nude?

[1805] Oh, my God.

[1806] Can you imagine?

[1807] I know.

[1808] It's exciting.

[1809] I'd be like, oh, man, come on, bro, we're friends.

[1810] And I'd go home and jack off.

[1811] I don't know.

[1812] Look, I would object to sitting in someone's house where they showered.

[1813] I'd be bored and feel disrespectful, but I'd kill to see him get out naked.

[1814] God, zero percent.

[1815] He's got body fat that would make an Amber Cromby rep really jealous.

[1816] That's right.

[1817] Absolutely.

[1818] Okay, so that is out on HBO Max.

[1819] Coming out at some point.

[1820] You don't even care.

[1821] I just want to say I'm envious and happy for you.

[1822] You're in the cool crowd.

[1823] You get to do, yes, you're in fucking after party.

[1824] You are.

[1825] You earned it.

[1826] You're in all the shit, and you earned it, and you deserve it, and you're a comedian's comedian.

[1827] Did you say you're in the Abercrombie video?

[1828] I said The After Party.

[1829] Oh, After Party.

[1830] I thought it said Abercroppy.

[1831] The Amber Party.

[1832] You're in the Amber Alert Party.

[1833] It's a terrible name for a TV show.

[1834] I don't like it, and I didn't say it.

[1835] Honestly, though, what you guys do is the true fun thing Where you get to talk and just be yourself And you don't have to go to fucking set Well, it's a cheat Well, I'm wearing my makeup Yeah, you look great Everyone knows you're in makeup Yeah, no one thinks you look this good on your own I don't know what Oh, hit me again, I just came over Hey, what's going on?

[1836] You're ready to bounce?

[1837] No, do you want to have a quick shower, dog Oh, to take up all that makeup off?

[1838] Yeah, go ahead Yeah, that's why What are you going to be like 30 minutes Probably to get all that off?

[1839] No, 15 Just fucking chill out What are you going to use fucking mineral spirits?

[1840] Dude, I use some dermatologic of shit.

[1841] There's a normal fucking thing and then a little short microchofolian to get it off.

[1842] That's fucking fine.

[1843] What are we talking about here?

[1844] My dad came over one day and was like, I'm going to Larchmont.

[1845] Do you need anything?

[1846] I was like, oh, can you stop at the beauty store and pick me up some moisturizers?

[1847] And then in that moment, I remember that his father stormed the beach at Normandy.

[1848] He was D -Day plus three.

[1849] And like, fucking, like, stormed machine gun nest and got shot and then like 70 years later his grandson's like not the gel the cream ask Julio for a little sample he'll show you the right one okay were you at the White House Correspondence Center or just you watched it I saw clips of it I didn't know they still had it I was kind of like are we still doing this I know a little bit it's weird no shade no yeah but I'm also like we're gonna die yeah Tell me quickly, your take on what happened with Biden.

[1850] Oh, my God.

[1851] Was Joe Biden and Billy Eichner?

[1852] Yes.

[1853] Really quick.

[1854] Everyone knows Billy Eichner.

[1855] Fucking funniest guy.

[1856] Someone sent me this clip, and it's so funny.

[1857] It was Joe Biden up there.

[1858] And what he's supposed to say is, Billy Eichner is here from Billy on the street, which I love.

[1859] And I got to tell you, Billy, you should host Meet the Press, because people might watch it.

[1860] That was what he was supposed to say.

[1861] And he goes, Billy.

[1862] Billy's here.

[1863] Your dad was a vet.

[1864] And this guy, he did on the street and meet the press.

[1865] He could do it.

[1866] It was almost like you took the script he was supposed to say and gave it to like a Lithuanian bot and had them like say what they think it meant.

[1867] God bless.

[1868] Stay alive, sir.

[1869] I know.

[1870] We didn't jump.

[1871] the weirdest thing I've ever seen like if I won the presidency I'd be like Dax we fucking fucking yeah And she goes we did it Joe I adore him I adore Uncle Joe Biden Uncle Joe Uncle Joe Brandon But I have never had the amount of anxiety Had when I was watching the State of the Union address Oh fuck me And then poor Kamala and Pelosi are behind And they're like putting on a good faith And every now and they're like Like they can't their face betrays them.

[1872] Right.

[1873] And at one point, he calls someone the wrong name clearly.

[1874] Then they said, fuck it.

[1875] And they're whispering behind his head.

[1876] Even ancient Nancy Pelosi's like, I don't know about this fucking guy.

[1877] The best thing Nancy Pelosi ever did, it was the funniest shade of all time.

[1878] When Trump got COVID, Nancy Pelosi goes, well, we're all praying for the president.

[1879] He's obese.

[1880] Like a cruiser fucking missile.

[1881] Right there.

[1882] Not to get political, but it's kind of funny all of us liberals are getting COVID now and literally like two years ago I was like if you come into my house you will wear you'll wear two masks and now I'm like it's the flu relax yeah I had someone come and give me a test today and like we're so coated with indignity right now she gave me the swab oh this is so gross and she pulled out and went oh I just pulled a big bugger out of you now and it was like 8 .4 a .m. And my brain I was like Like, oh, don't worry.

[1883] At least I don't have to pick it later, like some dog joke.

[1884] I was an extra in rain.

[1885] Ike Baranholz, everybody.

[1886] Come on.

[1887] I knew this motherfucker would come out here and give you all a big old dose of comedy, and he did.

[1888] And God bless you.

[1889] You guys, from the bottom of our heart, when we see everyone in public, we ran into two people in front of your house yesterday, bring in Delta over, and two folks were walking by.

[1890] They were going on the show.

[1891] That was Impossible.

[1892] Barbara and her crew were there.

[1893] People got tattoos.

[1894] We love you so much.

[1895] It's such a fucking honor to be able to do the show for you all and then to come do it live.

[1896] So thank you guys so, so much.

[1897] We love you from the bottom of our hearts.

[1898] A huge thanks to local natives for joining us on the live experience.

[1899] You can see them on their inside an hourglass tour this summer starting July 29th.

[1900] One, two.

[1901] Wait.

[1902] When am I?

[1903] How will I lay a slip through careless or unkind?

[1904] Trace the curving on the coastline to Santa Lucia cliffside and stay here for the night Remember you said everything has its place now we're lying in our bed wondering how to explain and down by my side slipping through and was painting your body I remember the trees something down like an archangel could see and I knew And now my favorite part of the show The fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman I had a very exciting moment Okay Took Delta to her favorite place under her target Oh god, yeah Walking down the aisle else.

[1905] What do I see?

[1906] Hello Bello vitamins.

[1907] Oh, yeah.

[1908] I can't tell you how fun it is to see it in Target.

[1909] Yeah, that is exciting.

[1910] I love seeing Hello Bello's stuff pop up in my life.

[1911] I really do.

[1912] There's some weird, like, oh, my gosh, we thought of this thing, and it's a thing.

[1913] So cool.

[1914] And it's at Target.

[1915] Yeah, and at the Atlanta airport, there's a Hello Bello Mamava pod.

[1916] It's like a pod you can go into breastfeed, and it's wrapped in Hello Bello.

[1917] And I remember when we were first talking about it.

[1918] about it and so it was really exciting seeing it oh i haven't seen that what airport atlanta oh my god yeah so i get to see it great place for them to pick great airport great people a little tiny update from last fact check i started my polaroids your film came my film came oh my god did you bring any no but i changed my mind okay you know originally i was just going to take pictures of all my clothes, tape those up, and then mix and match.

[1919] But I changed my mind.

[1920] Now I'm making outfits.

[1921] I thought that's what you meant originally.

[1922] Oh, uh -oh.

[1923] Oh, I misunderstood you, but it turned out to be a...

[1924] It turned out to understand me correctly.

[1925] Yeah, well, you know, sometimes confusion can be the source of great ideas.

[1926] That's what Confucius said.

[1927] That's exactly why they call him Confucius.

[1928] Because he was confused, but everything was brilliant.

[1929] That's right.

[1930] Yeah, so I made eight outfits.

[1931] Eight?

[1932] Yeah.

[1933] Oh, my God.

[1934] And were some blow your mind that you had never previously put together?

[1935] Oh, that came from it.

[1936] Yeah.

[1937] What I'm wearing today was an outfit I made.

[1938] And then lots of others.

[1939] It looks great, but we need to talk about the elephant in the room.

[1940] This pokey?

[1941] Their nipple?

[1942] The third nipple.

[1943] The sweater, it's a great sweater.

[1944] Uh -huh.

[1945] But it has a pulled.

[1946] There's an area that's something.

[1947] Something got pulled on it today.

[1948] It's as if you tugged on that nervously all the time.

[1949] I know, but I don't.

[1950] I know you don't.

[1951] tummy tuggies or whatever it's called from i think you should leave but that wasn't visible in the photo obviously it wasn't like that until today i must have like it must have got caught on something today okay all right well then if i ignore that part of it it's a stellar outfit thank you um i don't love that there's something wrong with my first outfit oh yeah you just took that really hard yeah i didn't rob said that and i saw you get really under the weather right away yeah and i I still am a little under the weather, so it's kind of rude, rude of you guys.

[1952] I'm sorry.

[1953] Well, that's where I was going with it, too.

[1954] I know.

[1955] It could have been you, could have been me. I said rude of you guys.

[1956] I took the bullet for you.

[1957] Thank you.

[1958] You fell on your sword for me. Thank you, Rob.

[1959] Don't be happy about that, Rob.

[1960] Listen, it's a great outfit.

[1961] Thanks.

[1962] I thought that would be worth talking about.

[1963] This is an interesting development.

[1964] This is like the beginning of one of your stories, I think.

[1965] I put a lot of effort into these outfits.

[1966] I don't think it changes the course.

[1967] nation of the outfit either.

[1968] No, it's a great outfit.

[1969] No, but it's like it's all anyone can see.

[1970] I didn't notice it until you said it.

[1971] I can't even see it from here.

[1972] Yeah, I can't either.

[1973] I think it's gone.

[1974] You're doing a good job, but you are trying to back.

[1975] I think it's gone.

[1976] Yeah, I don't think it's there anymore.

[1977] Okay, great.

[1978] You fixed it.

[1979] I'm happy again.

[1980] The whole outfit makes your skin pop.

[1981] Really, the skin looks so beautifully caramel.

[1982] We can, we can.

[1983] No, I'm being dead serious because the pants are a light caramel.

[1984] The row.

[1985] Oh, wow.

[1986] So is this, so is this, the sweater.

[1987] Actually, it's a sweater vest that it's on top of a James Purse long sleeve button down.

[1988] Well, I have a hot take, we can't air, but she would hate that because I think she dated James Purse right before me or whoever makes James Kirk.

[1989] Yes.

[1990] So the fact that you've combined.

[1991] It's pretty symbolic.

[1992] Ding ding!

[1993] Wait, are you sure?

[1994] I don't even know if James Purse is the real name of the person behind James Purse.

[1995] But I remember she said to me, so I'm about a boyfriend.

[1996] Who's that?

[1997] I'm not going to tell you who.

[1998] I imagine you own some of his stuff.

[1999] The way she described it, like, oh, she's talking about James.

[2000] Oh, but, okay.

[2001] So we are.

[2002] We're in very thin ice here.

[2003] James Purse is the person.

[2004] He's pretty attractive, so yeah.

[2005] Is his real name James Peir?

[2006] Purse.

[2007] I mean, I say Perce.

[2008] I can't even say it.

[2009] Some people say it weird.

[2010] James Pears?

[2011] I could be wrong.

[2012] James Perse.

[2013] It's spelled P -E -R -S -E.

[2014] P -E -R -S -E.

[2015] purse yeah not pierce i don't think so you need an eye in there i agree okay so james pierce underneath and row on top that's right okay i have a grievance though okay i ordered a purse also i pre -ordered you saw that coming i walked right in but i didn't because of my covid fog okay okay you bought a james purse i bought a purse from the row oh okay pre -ordered Okay.

[2016] All right.

[2017] But then I got an email today that there was a mistake in the stock or whatever, and I, and I had to refund me, and I don't get my purse.

[2018] I don't get my James purse.

[2019] Oh, I know, and if we were still friends, I could, you know, reach out to her purse when you made her get into this.

[2020] She probably has some in her house.

[2021] She could send me. Of course.

[2022] Personally, that's nice.

[2023] You know I have to keep all that original stuff in.

[2024] Why?

[2025] Because now it's a runner.

[2026] Well, come on now.

[2027] Don't get me in trouble.

[2028] By the way, she never told me that.

[2029] That was my deduction.

[2030] Exactly.

[2031] I deduce.

[2032] I don't know anything about it.

[2033] It was just convenient for this story since it's the row and James purse that I'm wearing right now.

[2034] James purse.

[2035] Now we're saying James Perce.

[2036] James is apostrophe purse.

[2037] James Perce didn't sound like James Perce to me until now.

[2038] I know.

[2039] Oh, my God.

[2040] That's probably why people try to make it pierce because they feel like it's confusing.

[2041] Remember the woman we could never get a Cuckaroo or Chacha?

[2042] Wait, what's her name?

[2043] Chichi, chichi, banana.

[2044] Wait, shoot.

[2045] Anacanita banana.

[2046] No. Chachia.

[2047] Chachy, no. Charo, charo.

[2048] Yeah, charo.

[2049] Charo?

[2050] Okay, not twice, just once.

[2051] It's been a blasts from the past.

[2052] It really is.

[2053] That first year, we could not get that right.

[2054] It went still.

[2055] We've had so many blasts from the.

[2056] past lately.

[2057] I'm almost nostalgic for some of them.

[2058] Me too.

[2059] Because you were trying to think we were together the other day and you said like what is the joke we used to have?

[2060] And we couldn't remember.

[2061] Yeah.

[2062] I know.

[2063] I forget.

[2064] Okay.

[2065] People are sad about your voice.

[2066] I just want to let you know in case you've not read comments.

[2067] I haven't.

[2068] Are they grossed down?

[2069] No. They feel bad for Little Moni is what they say.

[2070] That's sweet.

[2071] Almost, yeah, resoundingly it's positive.

[2072] Oh, I forgot to tell you this and I might as well tell you on air.

[2073] I did a screen.

[2074] grab and I was going to send it to you and then I forgot and it is a Instagram message from Neil.

[2075] Oh.

[2076] Dat boy swully.

[2077] Which is I, I think it means I'm swall.

[2078] It does.

[2079] Yeah, but it's swolee because he knows more.

[2080] He knows stuff.

[2081] He knows all the language that I know from 47.

[2082] What picture?

[2083] Aaron and I showing off our.

[2084] Fanny packs in Disney World.

[2085] Yeah.

[2086] I loved it because that's not at all.

[2087] I didn't think that was coming.

[2088] I got this stupid fanny pack on.

[2089] It's matching errands.

[2090] And he's a dat boy swoli.

[2091] Did he love it?

[2092] Yes.

[2093] What do you mean?

[2094] Did he come?

[2095] I didn't know if he DM'd you.

[2096] Oh, no, this was in public.

[2097] Oh, my God.

[2098] I've got four likes.

[2099] And you see, I gave him a heart.

[2100] Dad boy, swole.

[2101] I gave him a heart and a praise.

[2102] A prayer.

[2103] Another heart.

[2104] A praise.

[2105] And then a third heart.

[2106] I see that.

[2107] That's pretty high in my emoji strata.

[2108] Well, he's my brother.

[2109] I would hope so.

[2110] Of course.

[2111] I think, so Ashley dated the...

[2112] Oh my God.

[2113] You're trying to bury me in this.

[2114] Okay, what?

[2115] No, no. The Suby Gene CEO?

[2116] Who's Subi jeans?

[2117] T -S -U -B -I.

[2118] Ooh, I don't know.

[2119] I've never heard of that.

[2120] It was after Serentino Sartre.

[2121] Okay, we don't need to...

[2122] We're trying to get her on this show.

[2123] We can cut all this out.

[2124] that we're trying to get out of it and now we got her link to two more people.

[2125] Suvi, which I thought was a way to cook chicken to the right temperature.

[2126] It's a fashion guy that would make sense.

[2127] Yeah, sure.

[2128] I wish it was James Peir's.

[2129] Well, it could be.

[2130] Because she's too good for soupy.

[2131] Yeah, of course.

[2132] I wonder if she'd be embarrassed if someone asked her.

[2133] Did you date Dax?

[2134] And she'd be like, ooh, I'm embarrassed.

[2135] What if she says, well, I had this boyfriend.

[2136] I'm not going to tell you who, but you might have heard his podcast.

[2137] And the person's like, oh, my God, she dated Joe Rogan.

[2138] And like, they'll be on, at some point, they'll be on a podcast, maybe even Joe Rogans.

[2139] Oh, this is cool.

[2140] It's like alternate universe is all happening at the same time.

[2141] Telephones audition.

[2142] Yeah.

[2143] Would it be really interesting, though, if she said, my ex -boyfriend, I don't know, I'm not going to say who he is, but you may have heard his podcast.

[2144] And then the guy was like, oh, my God, Ira Glass.

[2145] That'd be great.

[2146] Yeah.

[2147] They'd be a good couple.

[2148] I like Ira.

[2149] Absolutely.

[2150] both very creative and interesting.

[2151] Oh, I was thinking of Malcolm, but I still love Ira.

[2152] Oh, yeah, that too would make a ton of sense.

[2153] Oh, the whole time you were saying you liked it, you actually were picturing Malcolm Gladwell.

[2154] Yeah, but I do love Ira.

[2155] Okay.

[2156] It doesn't look like she dated Malcolm.

[2157] Oh, my God.

[2158] Oh, my God.

[2159] Stop, we're going to get in trouble, and she's my fave.

[2160] Yeah, and I love her.

[2161] I mean her.

[2162] No, you can't say you love her.

[2163] You dated her.

[2164] I mean that.

[2165] I mean it like, oh, I love James Perth.

[2166] Oh, God.

[2167] You know what I'm saying?

[2168] You're not supposed to love James Purse because she hates him.

[2169] Well, no, but we don't even know if Suey jeans.

[2170] Oh, my gosh.

[2171] Let's hang the whole thing on Suvi.

[2172] Suvi chicken.

[2173] Suvi chicken and sui steak.

[2174] Okay, okay, okay.

[2175] Let's just get into some facts right away.

[2176] Save us.

[2177] Your facts are our life preserver.

[2178] Oh, okay.

[2179] So you want to tell the story about the rabbi who reached out?

[2180] Oh, I do.

[2181] Okay, yes.

[2182] A rabbi happened to be in the audience very nice guy yeah but he wanted to point out that the whole hole in the sheet with orthodox or Hasidic Jews is not true it's never ever happened and I thought never ever like it'd be one thing that it doesn't happen exactly but I thought it must stem from somewhere also it was pointed out by him and then as I researched it yes it was made very popular on curb your enthusiasm by Larry David he brought up that joke which is why I think it's real and probably why I think Probably why everyone thinks it's real.

[2183] Yeah, so I feel a little less bad that a Jewish gentleman perpetuated the myth.

[2184] Regardless, I did do some diligent research, and yes, there's absolutely zero record or text or anything that that's ever happened.

[2185] That's a good correction, because we got a lot of mileage out of that, Joe.

[2186] We did.

[2187] So I just hope if you already knew that, you can just let go the premise just to enjoy hearing Obama the notion of him.

[2188] That's right.

[2189] Speaking of that, Shiva, I was actually right about that.

[2190] You are supposed to be lowered to the floor than general seating.

[2191] So the chairs are, like, low.

[2192] Okay, when you're sitting shiva.

[2193] That's right.

[2194] Feeling low is a symbol of depression.

[2195] In Jewish law, depression has acted out literally.

[2196] Okay.

[2197] So, Ike, I know about your culture.

[2198] Yeah.

[2199] He might know something more about India than you do.

[2200] He definitely does.

[2201] He's really good friends with Mindy.

[2202] I'm an indie file, so I know a lot more than you.

[2203] I know about all the bad boy billionaires of India.

[2204] I know about all the criminals.

[2205] I don't think you know more than, you know about the bad boys.

[2206] Have you watched the bad boy billionaires?

[2207] No. I didn't think so.

[2208] Did you watch the commissutri when you were younger?

[2209] No, I did.

[2210] I did, okay, on VHS.

[2211] Was it a porn?

[2212] No. I mean, it was maybe soft.

[2213] It was like one of these things on like showtime in the evening.

[2214] It wasn't like at breakfast time.

[2215] Right.

[2216] There was nudity, and I loved it.

[2217] I still think of some images from that film, to be honest.

[2218] Well, you were young and it imprinted.

[2219] It really did.

[2220] I was in my 20s.

[2221] Oh, I thought you were like at 10.

[2222] No. I had a VCR, and I had Showtime or whatever I had.

[2223] And, yeah, I'm not going to tell you the exact image I have.

[2224] No, tell.

[2225] No. Yeah, because it might be offensive.

[2226] Oh, so that's why I should tell you.

[2227] I just want to know.

[2228] One of the actors, just out beautiful, had straight pubic hair.

[2229] Oh.

[2230] And it was kind of out.

[2231] And I really liked it.

[2232] Yes, I found it.

[2233] It looked so soft.

[2234] I do think we've talked about this before, so it's okay.

[2235] Maybe, okay.

[2236] It looked inviting?

[2237] That feels like it would look like a shield.

[2238] It looked so soft.

[2239] Like maybe it was backlit and some of the tips were glistening.

[2240] I don't know, but it was memorable.

[2241] It was very inviting, and I wanted to book a trip to India right quick.

[2242] Okay.

[2243] Listen, that's interesting.

[2244] Like, I don't know if she straightened it.

[2245] Who knows?

[2246] To look more American?

[2247] No, this is, well.

[2248] Because a lot of Indian people want to look white and American.

[2249] I don't think that's a thing.

[2250] They want to look white and American, and they think white people have straight hair.

[2251] So then she did that.

[2252] No, white people have fucking curly pubic hair.

[2253] Exactly.

[2254] So do Indian people.

[2255] That's why they cut it off.

[2256] So does everyone.

[2257] Oh, okay.

[2258] So the fact that...

[2259] I thought everyone in India had straight peevee hair, which is exciting.

[2260] No, no, no. They don't even have straight hair on their head.

[2261] Well, how could they have straight hair on their...

[2262] I'm not overthinking it.

[2263] I saw what I saw, and it was aesthetically pleasing.

[2264] Okay, okay.

[2265] I wonder if I can even find a photo of it.

[2266] Oh.

[2267] Is that unethical?

[2268] It's not unethical if it's a movie, but...

[2269] I do spell Kama Sutra.

[2270] It's Karmat Sutra, isn't it?

[2271] Oh, Jennifer, isn't it?

[2272] K -A -R -M -A.

[2273] K -M -A.

[2274] Oh, it's...

[2275] Karma?

[2276] I told you I knew more about.

[2277] Well, karma is an Indian word.

[2278] I guess I'm curious about the straight.

[2279] Images, movie.

[2280] All right here.

[2281] Oh, Jennifer.

[2282] Oh.

[2283] It's all fuzzy.

[2284] What?

[2285] Literally and figuratively.

[2286] You're being so crazy.

[2287] No, the picture is all fuzzy.

[2288] It's not a high -rise picture.

[2289] This hasn't been officially licensed by the film.

[2290] I'm just having a hard time seeing that it's straight.

[2291] Okay.

[2292] I can see that it's straight.

[2293] Throw it back to me. There might be even a better one.

[2294] I still enjoy this, so I really do.

[2295] I do.

[2296] Well, is it bringing back memories from when you were 10?

[2297] I wasn't 10.

[2298] I was a horny, 20 -year -old.

[2299] Wait, is this a better one?

[2300] I don't know.

[2301] Okay.

[2302] It's just hard to tell that it's straight.

[2303] I'll just, you know.

[2304] It's not like he would agree it wasn't like all curly.

[2305] right?

[2306] I don't want anyone to think I don't like curly pubic hair either I got nothing against anything I just this was very memorable hmm this is interesting I wonder percentage wise curly versus straight I would venture to say 90 % is curly Should we do a hashtag for We need a dolphin asparagus For straight pubic hair Okay so Oh that could be a good prompt Do you have straight pubic hair And are you insecure about it?

[2307] No not prompt This is like people will put in Remember like hashtag dolphin Asparagus.

[2308] Oh, if you have straight pubic hair.

[2309] So let's say, let's call it straight banana.

[2310] Angel hair pasta.

[2311] Ew.

[2312] Shit.

[2313] Rob is so pervy.

[2314] I don't know why, but that's so pervy.

[2315] Because angel hair pasta.

[2316] What, hashtag, uncooked angel hair pasta?

[2317] As soon as it's damp, it's fucking curly as hell.

[2318] I'm just thinking of thin straight things.

[2319] I can't pull my eyes off these stills.

[2320] I know.

[2321] I get up on my phone down.

[2322] You ought to stop.

[2323] Okay, okay.

[2324] Okay.

[2325] Hashtag uncooked angel hair pasta is what we're going with.

[2326] Hashtag uncooked angel hair pasta.

[2327] That's the whole body of it.

[2328] That's if you have straight pubic hair.

[2329] Yes.

[2330] And you're proud of it.

[2331] Well, you should be.

[2332] Absolutely.

[2333] And you should get into show business.

[2334] Some 20 -year -old would really appreciate.

[2335] Some 10 -year -old.

[2336] Some backlit.

[2337] No, 10, I didn't.

[2338] All that stuff was gross.

[2339] I remember my brother used to watch a porn on my dad had.

[2340] When you'd be at his house on the weekends.

[2341] my dad would be out.

[2342] I'd come downstairs and he'd be watching this porno.

[2343] I still remember the name of it.

[2344] What was it?

[2345] People say that a lot, don't they?

[2346] Like, I still remember.

[2347] What was it?

[2348] But I know I do.

[2349] I know I do.

[2350] Oh, insatiable.

[2351] He owned one porno.

[2352] And my brother, who, you know, God bless him.

[2353] He was a 17 -year -old young man. He wanted to see that.

[2354] When I would go downstairs and see what was happening on this porno, It looked like a homicide to me. Yeah, you've said that.

[2355] You hated that.

[2356] But you were 12 then, I guess.

[2357] Well, it's probably 11.

[2358] Okay, so when did you like it?

[2359] What's your first memory of liking it?

[2360] 12.

[2361] This window of...

[2362] Yeah, you had sex when you were 12.

[2363] I was almost 13.

[2364] This is...

[2365] Seventh grade.

[2366] It might have been 13.

[2367] Might have been 13.

[2368] Okay.

[2369] But even though, let me just say this, too.

[2370] Even though when I had had sex, still a porno was like very...

[2371] extreme.

[2372] Really?

[2373] Well, yes, because, like, the guy was, like, smacking a girl in the face with his penis and they were butt -fucking.

[2374] You know, the sky was the limit.

[2375] Yeah.

[2376] So that's not like what I, you know, my seventh grade experience was.

[2377] But you were so sexual when you were having sex, though.

[2378] Oh, absolutely.

[2379] I was very into it, but not in a, like, on a pool table the way this porno, I think that's one of the images I have.

[2380] The gardener came in who we swore was Tony Danza.

[2381] It's not.

[2382] But we were convinced it was Tony Danza and that he must have done a porno at some point.

[2383] he was wearing a wife beater very fit he was a gardener don't worry white so i think that would worry you it was a white gardener and the woman was rich and she was on you know they had a pool table and one thing leads to another and the gardener is on her on the pool table okay and it just was very extreme like that whole scenario was beyond what i was you know yeah she was intatiable she was she'd dick a gardener she'd dick whoever else wow yeah what do we think what's what do we think what's your verdict i don't know what's the prognosis here i don't know yeah but it is weird i would see it it was horrific and then one day i was like that's that's not horrific yeah all right and then you had sex the next day and then the following evening i had sex with your gardener yes with my my female gardener who was white And my girlfriend was a ninth grader.

[2384] I know.

[2385] She'd already done it once before.

[2386] Once before.

[2387] And an old body.

[2388] Okay.

[2389] All right.

[2390] We're back.

[2391] Okay.

[2392] Who is the actual guy on the cover of brawny paper towels?

[2393] They can't possibly be after a real person.

[2394] No, it is.

[2395] No. Mm -hmm.

[2396] Eric Solie's dad called him.

[2397] more than a decade ago and told him to buy a pack of brawny paper towels.

[2398] He went to the grocery store and found his face on the wrapper.

[2399] It didn't look exactly like me, but it was pretty close, said Sully, a graphics manager for a civil engineering company in Tampa.

[2400] His father, commercial artist John Sully, had used his face as inspiration for movie posters, NASA images, and TV guide covers.

[2401] But nothing has done so much to make Sully, 37, a familiar yet anonymous household icon as a blonde lumberjack's image on every role of brawny.

[2402] Now, however, he's about to lose his face on the label to the forces of marketing change.

[2403] Oh.

[2404] I do think he does need to lose the mustache, said Solie, who called the portrait a little dated.

[2405] In the 70s, everyone had a mustache.

[2406] He looked like he walked right out of boogie nights.

[2407] Oh, ding -ding -ding, ding.

[2408] Oh.

[2409] That was what that was about.

[2410] Georgia Pacific, the maker of brawny.

[2411] Ding -n -n -ding.

[2412] Okay.

[2413] Said Wednesday that it will temporarily replace the brawny man with racing legend Richard Petty.

[2414] Oh, the king.

[2415] But he had a mustache all that.

[2416] the time continue i don't know what exactly they're going to do solely said so let's hope patty doesn't crash into the wall or nothing and smash my head up what he seemed upset what a quote okay do you know what i learned when i was in the south with hughy he said when dale earnhardt died most of people in the south said jesus needed a driver oh wow isn't that an interesting way to look at it it's a spin yeah every time i tease hughy that he's going to die I always say, Jesus needs an adjuster.

[2417] Oh, there you go.

[2418] Yeah, because he's in the insurance game.

[2419] Yeah.

[2420] Okay, let's just like once and for all, be really clear.

[2421] It's Abercrombie.

[2422] Abercrombie.

[2423] Abercrombie.

[2424] Abercrombie.

[2425] Yep.

[2426] I move the M all over the place, I think, when I'mbercrombie.

[2427] Yeah.

[2428] Abercrombie.

[2429] Don't like it.

[2430] I put an M in front of it.

[2431] If we're redoing the brawny, paper towel and giving it to the king, Richard Petty.

[2432] let's go with Amber Crombie.

[2433] Okay.

[2434] Like Amber Sand.

[2435] Yeah.

[2436] An amphitheater.

[2437] An anthropology.

[2438] Nope.

[2439] That's a store.

[2440] That's anthropology.

[2441] Yeah, A -M -T -H -R -O -P -O -L -G -Y.

[2442] What if you were saying anthropology wrong this whole time?

[2443] That would be great.

[2444] Oh my God, I'm an amphorthology.

[2445] Oh, yeah, I can't even do.

[2446] Amphorology.

[2447] I'm an apathologist.

[2448] Did Jared have porn and, ding, ding, ding, porn?

[2449] Holy crap.

[2450] Wow.

[2451] It's really fun when themes just appear.

[2452] Yeah.

[2453] Did he have porn in his college dorm?

[2454] Yeah.

[2455] Well, allegedly, ran a porn rental service out of his college dorm.

[2456] Oh, I thought he also was there's some pedophilia stuff?

[2457] Yes, of course.

[2458] Oh, okay.

[2459] But this is just also.

[2460] Oh, okay.

[2461] In his history, he ran a porn parlor out of his dorm room.

[2462] Yeah, and like people would rent it, allegedly.

[2463] Okay.

[2464] Also, you said that he killed his mom, but he didn't.

[2465] That was a joke.

[2466] I know, but we just have to be really...

[2467] He allegedly killed his mom.

[2468] No, he didn't even allegedly.

[2469] He did not kill his mom.

[2470] Okay.

[2471] Oh, Jared.

[2472] He had life life of balls there for a minute.

[2473] Oh, so I was trying to find it.

[2474] I'm never going to be able to find it, but I just want to give credit to the person.

[2475] That's why I wanted to find it.

[2476] But the point is there's a gal from...

[2477] She sounds British, the UK.

[2478] And she said, I have one thing to...

[2479] to say that proves the simulation is real, which is cars and buses.

[2480] She said, you're telling me that when you're on a bus, there's two seats, and then there's an aisle that you can walk up and down, and then another two seats on the other side of the aisle, and a staircase up to the roof, this is in London, and a toilet.

[2481] And that's in the same size lane that my car is where I'm touching the shoulder with my passenger.

[2482] she said the sim has made us think that's possible but think about it and I really liked it like how could there be roofed isn't there a bus lane though that's bigger but they ride in my bus rides in the normal traffic lane they're wider I mean they're wider you're right but at a magnitude of an aisleway and four across that is interesting I liked that most buses I know are like the seats are turn sideways though well if you go on a greyhound rob yeah it's two and aisle and two and if you're in monica's car and she and are sitting next to each other there's about two inches between our shoulders and then another two inches between the doors and we're yes the bus is wider i think the bus is like uh i would know this from my trailer but i want to say like a hundred and four inches but not two acts so if we would go and measure it you think the world will just end we can measure with your motor home.

[2483] I think what the measurement will show is that, yeah, one's 90 inches and one's 104, and you just have to believe that in those 14 inches, we get two more bodies and a walkway.

[2484] And that's where the sim has made us think that makes sense.

[2485] I really like this, and I love this arm cherry.

[2486] Oh, it wasn't an arm cherry.

[2487] It's an arm cherry that sent me someone else's video.

[2488] Oh, okay.

[2489] Then I don't care about.

[2490] That person.

[2491] Yeah.

[2492] But I have to just nitpick that.

[2493] That is not evidence of the sim.

[2494] That's evidence that we live in Harry Potter and we're muggles.

[2495] Okay.

[2496] That's actually magic that's making it look wider.

[2497] So it's just whether you...

[2498] Well, if you believe in magic versus the sim.

[2499] So like in the sim.

[2500] I believe in both.

[2501] Here's the...

[2502] Okay.

[2503] The sim is like drawing a cartoon.

[2504] Like Snoopy's doghouse.

[2505] You know Snoopy's doghouse?

[2506] Sure.

[2507] It's about three feet wide, four feet long, and two and a half feet.

[2508] tall when you go in the doghouse with snoopy he's got a full gym in there he's got a kitchen that's harry potter he's got like 7 ,000 square feet so the sim is designed so the sim could have a house that you look at the house and you're like oh yeah that's uh i know what the inside would be like and then you go in and it's just way bigger and then in the sim we've accepted it because the bus it's in the same lane it's virtually the same width of the car and when walk into one we expect to see seating for four in an aisle way and the other one we're we expect to be pretty tight next to our neighbor.

[2509] Sure.

[2510] I like this.

[2511] Think about two -xing the inside of your car.

[2512] You'd be over both lines.

[2513] Yeah.

[2514] I have some measurements if you want.

[2515] Passenger cars are between 5 and 6 feet wide.

[2516] Okay.

[2517] A vehicle travel lane with on an interstate highway is 12 feet.

[2518] Surface roads are usually 8 to 10 feet wide per lane.

[2519] School or transit bus is roughly 7 feet wide.

[2520] There we go.

[2521] You didn't need all those other numbers.

[2522] So, seven feet wide versus five to six.

[2523] Yeah.

[2524] Okay, so think about that.

[2525] No, an extra foot or two.

[2526] Or two, five to seven.

[2527] Okay, an extra foot or two.

[2528] I am, what, would you say, two and a half feet wide?

[2529] Yeah, so two feet different gets you two more passengers and an aisleway.

[2530] Yeah.

[2531] It's pretty simy.

[2532] I like it.

[2533] She's on to something.

[2534] I just think it's more magic -based.

[2535] Yeah, you like magic.

[2536] I like to explain things by sim.

[2537] Well, obviously I like to explain things by sim is all we do every single day.

[2538] Not when it rivals, though, your first love, which is Terrence Posner.

[2539] Well, I just don't think that's the Sims' intent.

[2540] Like, why would it - The Sims making all physical objects that surround us.

[2541] But what - This is saying transit buses are nine feet wide.

[2542] Okay.

[2543] Nine times 12, 902.

[2544] That would make sense because then it's like, Four feet.

[2545] Yeah.

[2546] Well, look, it's a good point.

[2547] You don't love it.

[2548] More muggily to you than Simmy, which is fine.

[2549] But she did point out something really funny to think about.

[2550] Yeah, it is odd for sure.

[2551] When you're behind a bus, it's not three times wider than your car.

[2552] Let's just say that.

[2553] It does not seem it.

[2554] No, but somehow inside of it, it's three times wider.

[2555] Yeah, that is weird.

[2556] Muggle.

[2557] He's also saying the thickness of a typical door on a car.

[2558] is different than a bus.

[2559] When you hit us with the fucking width of a road on a highway?

[2560] Rob, that was so extraneous.

[2561] It's crazy.

[2562] If I was your SAT test, I would have thrown out like five of the numbers you gave me. Well, you were saying the same lane contains both.

[2563] But they're not making buses 12 feet wide.

[2564] Okay, stop finding.

[2565] Okay.

[2566] Does Warren Buffett own Wendy's?

[2567] No. Just dairy queen.

[2568] Yeah, and a lot of other things, too, but not Wendy's.

[2569] When was Paul Giamatti's uncle, Eddie Bartlett, the commissioner of baseball?

[2570] He said in 1988 to 1996, he thought.

[2571] He was the commissioner.

[2572] He was in office, 1989.

[2573] Yeah, 7th Commissioner of Baseball, April 1st, 1989 to September 1st, 1989.

[2574] Not very long.

[2575] No. He was also the 14th president of the National League.

[2576] from 86 to 89.

[2577] That's more like what he was saying.

[2578] Oh my God, he was also the president of Yale.

[2579] Oh, my gosh.

[2580] Paul Giamani's dad was president?

[2581] No, not his dad.

[2582] I think it's like his uncle or something.

[2583] Oh, okay.

[2584] Wow.

[2585] Yeah.

[2586] So he's like, he's not even the most impressive person in his family.

[2587] Well, you know he's dead.

[2588] I wonder if he had a scandal.

[2589] Why only six months behind the helm?

[2590] I think he allegedly killed his mother.

[2591] I mean, it doesn't say why I left.

[2592] Okay.

[2593] But he did die.

[2594] Well.

[2595] They both died.

[2596] It happens to everyone.

[2597] I know.

[2598] Wait, not Paul Giamani.

[2599] He didn't die.

[2600] He's dead, right?

[2601] No. Oh, my goodness, Monica.

[2602] He got really skinny.

[2603] I kind of wondered why everyone was acting so cavalier about him.

[2604] Well, no one said anything derogatory.

[2605] We said he was great.

[2606] No, but I thought he was dead.

[2607] And I was like, I'm surprised nobody is like even mentioning that he's dead.

[2608] No, he's thriving.

[2609] Wait, he is?

[2610] Yes.

[2611] He's in billions on showtime.

[2612] Yeah, it's a great show.

[2613] Oh, you know what?

[2614] I'm thinking of, I'm so sorry.

[2615] I was thinking of James Gandalfini.

[2616] James Gandalfini, yes, he sadly died, yeah.

[2617] Which is very sad.

[2618] I know, he's one of my favorite actors.

[2619] See how we're talking about it now?

[2620] Yes, of course.

[2621] We wouldn't say like, oh, yeah, so if he said, oh, do you know James Gandalfini's uncle was the president of the NBA, we'd go, oh, my God.

[2622] And then we would go, oh, I loved James Gandalfini.

[2623] Yeah, we would have said something to wrap it up.

[2624] That's right.

[2625] You're right.

[2626] You're absolutely right.

[2627] Okay.

[2628] I mean, you were wrong.

[2629] I was really wrong.

[2630] But you're right.

[2631] Had you been right.

[2632] Okay, you said that there's probably 22 ,000 baseball games in the country's season.

[2633] Oh, yeah.

[2634] Okay, so there is fast math time, okay?

[2635] How many teams times?

[2636] How many games?

[2637] 30 teams.

[2638] Okay.

[2639] It's 162 games.

[2640] This is 142, regular season, AAA.

[2641] So 360.

[2642] 162 times.

[2643] Oh, the three.

[2644] So, 300, then 480, then another zero.

[2645] So 4 ,800 games.

[2646] Why is there multiple answers?

[2647] Well, AAA is different.

[2648] I put in AAA.

[2649] Oh, yeah, you need Major League.

[2650] Yeah, Major League is 162.

[2651] AAA, you've never seen a AAA game in your life.

[2652] Like the Dodgers and stuff, they're Major League, not AAA.

[2653] AAA is like the farm team that you come up from.

[2654] Oh, I thought AAA was Major League, and AA was Farm Team.

[2655] There's like levels of farm teams underneath the major league.

[2656] And double AMCO is.

[2657] Okay.

[2658] Then I need to hold on.

[2659] Okay.

[2660] So then what was your answer?

[2661] 4 ,800.

[2662] Okay.

[2663] Are you going to do it now on a calculator?

[2664] Yeah.

[2665] Oh, good.

[2666] 4860.

[2667] Okay, great.

[2668] Good job.

[2669] Thank you.

[2670] I can live with 60 off.

[2671] Yeah, maybe you even said 60.

[2672] And I...

[2673] In a previous conversation.

[2674] You've one time said 60.

[2675] I've definitely said 60, yeah.

[2676] Zero to 60.

[2677] I say 60 all the time.

[2678] So it counts.

[2679] Oh, that's like one of those.

[2680] Oh, gosh.

[2681] So we just played those riddles.

[2682] So 4860 could be one of those riddles.

[2683] 4860 I. M. L .B .S. Games in a major league season.

[2684] 4 ,860 G .I. L. S. Yeah, we just invented one.

[2685] Or maybe it's well worn.

[2686] No one would get that.

[2687] Ever.

[2688] No. I love that, though.

[2689] Oh, me too.

[2690] Those were fun.

[2691] Me too.

[2692] Puzzles.

[2693] I asked you if you would start giving me more riddles and puzzles, and so far you haven't done it.

[2694] I know, I've dropped the ball and everything.

[2695] I don't know if this is a sign of depression, but I was sitting on the toilet last night, taking a poop.

[2696] And I looked at my toenails and I was like, oh, God, I got to cut my toenails.

[2697] And then my next thought was, oh, there's so much stuff to do.

[2698] Yeah.

[2699] Do you ever have that feeling?

[2700] Sure, you feel overwhelmed.

[2701] Yeah, it's just like, and I got to worry about my toenails being too long.

[2702] I don't have time.

[2703] Well, I'm off the caffeine.

[2704] I felt like maybe that was like a symptom of, I felt like there's too much stuff for me to keep up with.

[2705] Yeah, I understand.

[2706] I'm going to take the riddles and puzzles off your plate.

[2707] Just until I'm back on caffeine full force, which I'm sure I'll be in a couple weeks.

[2708] Okay, okay.

[2709] Speaking of stuff to do, we have four new prompts, people.

[2710] Oh, good, good, good.

[2711] You're announcing our four new prompts.

[2712] And starting next week, you guys are going to start hearing these weekly.

[2713] We recorded all of June's, and now we're going to put new prompts up for July, so get on it.

[2714] These are the prompts.

[2715] Okay.

[2716] Tell us about a time you betrayed someone you love.

[2717] I imagine some people want to use a synonym for that, or a nom de plur, not give out their real name.

[2718] Oh, a pseudonym.

[2719] Oh, what did I say?

[2720] Cinnamon, yeah.

[2721] Cinnamon.

[2722] Tell us about a time you betrayed someone you love.

[2723] Tell us about a time you had to call 911.

[2724] Mm -hmm.

[2725] But don't, well, yeah.

[2726] Well, I just, you know, sometimes people call 911 for nothing.

[2727] Well, we're going to pick.

[2728] Yeah, okay, we're going to pick.

[2729] Well, definitely don't call 911 if you farted.

[2730] Although if you did it for a really stupid reason, that could be something.

[2731] Because there is that great, great viral voice recording of the guy who got to high with his wife.

[2732] That is my favorite.

[2733] He's a cop and he's like, me and my wife are dead.

[2734] I want to pull it up.

[2735] Okay, pull it up.

[2736] Just the beginning is really funny.

[2737] If you want to look it up yourself and watch the whole thing, it's cop eats pot brownies.

[2738] Okay.

[2739] Can you please send rescue?

[2740] Okay, how old are you?

[2741] I'm 28, 29 years old and my wife is 26.

[2742] Please come.

[2743] 26?

[2744] Yes, please.

[2745] Do you guys in drinking also?

[2746] Thank you?

[2747] No, that's it.

[2748] No. Is there any weapons in your house?

[2749] No. Please come.

[2750] Okay, all right away.

[2751] I think we're dying.

[2752] How much did you guys have?

[2753] I don't know.

[2754] We made brownies, and I think we're dead.

[2755] I think we're dead.

[2756] Why should you put your brownies?

[2757] I don't know.

[2758] I'm in fact.

[2759] Cuba, come here.

[2760] I'm the living room ground, right?

[2761] They're breathing.

[2762] I think so.

[2763] We've never done it again.

[2764] Who won?

[2765] That's his address.

[2766] Oh.

[2767] Okay.

[2768] Hi.

[2769] Mother -in -law just got here, too.

[2770] Oh, well, anyways, if you called 911 like that, I guess it's fine.

[2771] We're happy to hear it.

[2772] But otherwise, you know, something significant.

[2773] So just really quick, tell us about a time you betrayed someone you love.

[2774] Tell us about a time you had to call 911.

[2775] Tell us about a place that you've made whoopee that you thought was going to be really romantic, but was a disaster.

[2776] Tell us about your biggest Zoom blunder.

[2777] Great.

[2778] Well, yeah, so guys, hop on that.

[2779] Get on it.

[2780] Can't wait to talk to folks.

[2781] So far, we've talked to like 24 or 5 people, and it's been awesome.

[2782] So fun.

[2783] Sorry for yawning.

[2784] Let me take two.

[2785] Say action.

[2786] Action.

[2787] And it's been incredible.

[2788] Okay.

[2789] Bring it down just like 10%.

[2790] Okay.

[2791] And it's been incredible.

[2792] That was a great.

[2793] Great job, Dan.

[2794] I put a little Arnette on it.

[2795] And it's been incredible.

[2796] Oh, wow.

[2797] Okay.

[2798] All right.

[2799] Too much.

[2800] Love you.

[2801] Love you.

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