Max Greenfield

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] My name is Maximus Shepard, and I'm joined by Maximus Mouse.

[2] We now have a shared name.

[3] Well, I thought you were the Boulder.

[4] Oh, yeah.

[5] Thank you for bringing that up.

[6] Thank you.

[7] You're welcome.

[8] Do I regret it?

[9] I don't know.

[10] Is that it made it through the edits?

[11] Do people know that already?

[12] We said it on an intro once, I think, but we haven't really made it regs.

[13] Maybe you should repeat it.

[14] Okay, so just real quick, I'm trying my hardest to start a war with Dwayne Johnson, The Rock.

[15] It's like a peaceful war.

[16] I'm doing it because he's a much bigger star than me and he's physically superior to me. So I feel like I'm punching up, you know, a little bit.

[17] And I really like him and I want him to do the show and he has been reluctant to do so.

[18] So my method, I tag him in these videos I make inside of my really, really, really shitty home garage gym that has black mold all over it.

[19] Because his gym is called Iron Paradise and it's fucking a mecca for weightlifting.

[20] And Black Mold Paradise is also a mecca.

[21] Sure.

[22] It's a different kind.

[23] And I tag him and I have named myself now the boulder.

[24] Yeah.

[25] Because a boulder is much bigger than a rock.

[26] Yeah.

[27] Okay.

[28] So anyways, that's why I'm the boulder.

[29] So weird you're reminding me because you hate it, but I appreciate it.

[30] Okay.

[31] Today's guest is a personal friend of mine and fucking ate it.

[32] I have a riot talking to him.

[33] This was one of the funniest episodes in a while.

[34] He has a couple of fucking show business stories that just had me on the floor.

[35] Max Greenfield.

[36] I fucking love him so much.

[37] We're buddies.

[38] He is an Emmy nominated actor.

[39] He met him on the new girl.

[40] He currently stars in the neighborhood.

[41] He has a new book out.

[42] That is fantastic.

[43] And he gave it to us when he left.

[44] And my daughters and I write it and it really is fantastic.

[45] It's called, I don't want to read this book.

[46] And you'll discover all the reasons that Max never wanted to read a book.

[47] And they're the reasons you already know about me that I never wanted to read a book.

[48] So please enjoy charming, good looking, very athletic.

[49] Max Greenfield.

[50] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[51] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[52] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[53] He's an armchair.

[54] He's an option.

[55] You look so young yet you are an old Jewish man. 42, and I swear to you, pushing 76.

[56] When you bump into people, do you, like, tell them what medication you're on and stuff?

[57] There's no medication, but mentally, I'm either with it or I'm not, and when I'm not, it's scary.

[58] Oh, okay.

[59] Like, do you think you have sundowners or something?

[60] It's just there's nothing going on up there.

[61] Right.

[62] And to get the engine going, it takes a minute.

[63] What do you employ to do that?

[64] Is that a caffeine?

[65] I need a coffee on the morning, or else it's really, it's not great for anyone.

[66] I think we'd all agree it's not the morning right now.

[67] We were looking at 2 .10.

[68] This is the second one.

[69] Well, around 2 o 'clock to 4 .30 is a real danger area for me. So when I looked at the scheduling of this, I was like, oh, man, I could fall apart in a real quick.

[70] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[71] I was like, as long as I have a half hour to get a coffee beforehand, this would have been a 23 -minute episode.

[72] We're like, you just sort of fell asleep on the couch.

[73] Did you wear shorts for me?

[74] Well, I mean...

[75] Those are nice sticks, man. Thanks, I appreciate it.

[76] I've been really working on it.

[77] I think my biggest problem coming out of lockdown, pants have been a real issue.

[78] You don't want to wear them?

[79] I don't want to wear them, not knowing that.

[80] I'm not sure how they're supposed to fit anymore.

[81] Oh, sure.

[82] Well, by the way, the style has changed since we went in.

[83] I know, and I'm not really sure that I know what it's supposed to be at this point.

[84] And so now, like, I went to my closet.

[85] I was like, I'm supposed to go to a place where I'm talking.

[86] I have to wear pants, I think.

[87] And it's hard to choose, but I like my shorts.

[88] Thank God I got to go to a job every day where I wear shorts.

[89] You're four years younger than me, so I bet you escape this phase.

[90] But like, do you remember Z. Cavaricies by chance?

[91] Big time, baby.

[92] Okay, and they're pleaded.

[93] They were very pleaded, and they're balloony on top.

[94] Yeah, I know, with the little line.

[95] It's amazing.

[96] Those all I wanted, they were so expensive.

[97] My dad was like, you are not to have these jeans.

[98] Yeah, who do you think we are?

[99] Yeah, they were like $99 or something like that.

[100] single pair and my whole week revolved around like if i wear them on monday can i wear them on thursday and people won't realize what color did you get they were like kind of a sky blue you know but a little bit of that acid wash did you choose them yeah yeah yeah i went to county seat in the mall yeah i remember i went i went to the mall to get them and i got a pair of black ones but it was like they were sort of black um black pinstripe ones oh yeah yeah and so i went yeah i went i went with those because i thought i'm only going to get one opportunity to do this.

[101] I need to make a statement.

[102] And several days later, I realized, this is too much for me. This isn't me. I'm making too much.

[103] Oh, you can pull them off.

[104] Yeah.

[105] So I didn't love them.

[106] And then I really regretted that decision.

[107] Still to the day.

[108] Well, then I have really terrible news for you because that's the fucking style that's coming back.

[109] That's what I've observed.

[110] My wife and Monica both, they're in like these fucking.

[111] These kind of are actually, not that, but they're balloony.

[112] No, I'm talking more like the shorts you wore at the live show.

[113] They're now wearing clothes that are like 40 times too big.

[114] Which I did in high school.

[115] Like, I'd wear 52 -inch pants and cinch it up.

[116] Is that for both the men and the ladies?

[117] Presumably, I got, well, yeah, Ryan Hanson, who's a style icon, he's already wearing ridiculous pants.

[118] And I'm looking at these pants and I'm like, I'm unfortunately going to be wearing them in two years because he's always two years ahead.

[119] I mean, sometimes five.

[120] So I would be lying to myself if I didn't think whatever he's in, I'm going to end up in.

[121] But I'm just the whole time, I'm like, goddamn those fucking pants.

[122] I don't want to get back into those pants.

[123] But I'm going to.

[124] You know Jason Mansuchas?

[125] Yeah, yeah, the best.

[126] Keep at a uniform.

[127] He wears like the same out, and I'm thinking maybe I sort of develop whatever that's going to be for me and move forward with just a uniform.

[128] That way you don't have to think about it.

[129] We landed on that virtually, which I was like, I don't think you can go wrong with like late 50s, early 60s James Dean.

[130] Like fucking Levi's in a white t -shirt.

[131] I can't imagine you're ever going to be super embarrassed when you look at a picture of yourself and those.

[132] Not baggy, not tight.

[133] They're just fucking Levi.

[134] So that's what I'm leaning towards.

[135] Well, if I'm feeling a little heavy, I might go a black t -shirt just to hide some of it.

[136] whatever's going on.

[137] Some neutrals.

[138] Just get some neutrals in there.

[139] You're fine.

[140] Okay, so back to why we know each other.

[141] Okay, great.

[142] Of course, I knew of you as a performer, of course, and then my wife had worked with you.

[143] And in fact, you were working with my wife, and you said to her, your husband and I are in the same secret society.

[144] And so she came home and she goes, oh, you know, Max is sober.

[145] And I was like, oh, I didn't know.

[146] I had seen you, because we had not met, but I had seen you speak once.

[147] Oh, really?

[148] Yeah.

[149] Oh, that's scary.

[150] But you'd come in and spoke, and I was sitting in the back, and I was like, oh, cool, right on, man. I don't know at which point this was.

[151] I'm pretty sure you were a working actor, and I was most definitely not.

[152] And so you were recognizable, and I was excited, and I was like, oh, this will be cool.

[153] Yeah, and it wasn't.

[154] And it really, I drank the next day.

[155] This will be the only time I'm straight to the liquor store.

[156] I'd rather be unemployed and drunk than this guy.

[157] I didn't get sober until after I was working, after I was like, I'm punk to know it.

[158] Yeah, so that's where we differ.

[159] I got sober, and then it wasn't until five years later that I think it was five years to the day that we shot the new girl pilot.

[160] Oh, really?

[161] Yeah.

[162] Well, so I found that out about you.

[163] And of course, that always elevates someone immediately in my mind like, oh, good.

[164] Now I can't wait to meet him.

[165] I can't wait to bump into him, blah, blah, blah.

[166] And to my great delight, you showed up into this meeting that I had been going to at that point for like 14 years in someone's living room.

[167] And just elated, I'll speak for myself.

[168] I felt like I got along with you wonderfully immediately, just like a door to you right out of the gates.

[169] Yeah, I mean, I think one of the things that I love so much about sobriety in general or especially connecting with other sober men is the laughter.

[170] And there's some people who like to do the bits and laugh and have a good time with it.

[171] There's no reason we should be a glum lot.

[172] No, no. And, you know, you find those people who can laugh through it a little bit.

[173] I have to because it can get so.

[174] heavy in there and for good reason, but I have got to, and maybe to my detriment, I've got to turn it around a little bit because...

[175] You can do both.

[176] There's no reason you can't do both.

[177] You can be sincere and emotional and tell a dick joke or whatever you're going to do in your share.

[178] But this is my pet peeve when I see AA represented in film and television.

[179] It's always that fucking dolly shot, slow pushing.

[180] The guy's like, yeah, my daughter found me hot.

[181] in the backseat of my car I hadn't been home in two weeks that is not a fucking meeting that was never that was a pretty good audition oh okay thank you I got it that was good acting that's my pet peeve about do you have any issue when you see it represented look I think it's really difficult oh god yeah I think typically it's done from the perspective of the person who's getting sober which I think is a mistake because you are asking an audience who most likely is not dealing with addiction and doesn't struggle with that stuff and can't relate to any of it any of it.

[182] Yeah, yeah.

[183] And the person whose perspective it's from, like, or who wrote it or who's thinking like, I've got to get these ideas out, forgets that as addicts, we're crazy.

[184] Yeah, we're crazy.

[185] Yeah.

[186] Our brains don't work like normal people.

[187] And when we think is a sane idea or makes total sense does not.

[188] Yes.

[189] To the masses.

[190] That's right.

[191] In your own life, if you've ever been in a big car accident and then everyone's okay.

[192] The elation that follows, if you're in a building fire and you get out when you've been in a fist fight with five different guys, the wrap up, even though someone's got a broken nose, is elation.

[193] Like, you got to remember, everyone in there's like, they just dodged death.

[194] There's some levity to it because you're like, oh, fuck, I got out of that.

[195] Oh, my God.

[196] Yeah.

[197] I guess I find that the shares that I would hear in a movie, I generally, if I were directing me, like, okay, now try telling that, like, that's your funniest story.

[198] Because generally that would have gone, like this like oh fuck when i got to hear my fucking daughter found me in the back seat of my car dude i had not been home for like three weeks like that's the general delivery totally after you've got some mileage between the event again though you're then giving that to an audience who's like why is he telling it like it's a joke i know i know if there's no win i know and in fact i have my first experience with it where i was watching a pretty well -known person on a talk show recently talking about recently getting sober.

[199] And I even found myself going a little too early for you to have this much levity about this.

[200] And I'm sober and I tell gnarly stories, but I can see where the general masses are like, there's nothing funny about any of the stuff you just said.

[201] But I had never actually felt it.

[202] And it kind of was a little wake -up called to me. Yeah, it's a tough one.

[203] I mean, look, you had asked me right before we started this, are you comfortable talking about it?

[204] And I was like, yeah, I mean, I'm certainly comfortable sharing what my experience has been.

[205] And I feel very fortunate that I've had a very positive experience within sobriety and still remain sober today.

[206] Right.

[207] Might that change tomorrow?

[208] I mean, I don't know.

[209] When I relapsed and I recorded an episode of the podcast about it, I start getting phone calls from people from the program.

[210] And I don't want to answer it.

[211] You know, the last thing I want to talk about is how it happened or what I did or how I fucked up, right?

[212] But I take all of them, obviously.

[213] It's my responsibility to take all those calls.

[214] Well, one of them is you.

[215] I can see myself.

[216] I was in the driveway here, and you call.

[217] I'm like, oh, fuck.

[218] Now I'm going to tell Max.

[219] There you go.

[220] Well, once I heard those guys on smartless blowing you like that, I thought this guy's going to relapse within a week.

[221] And I was like, oh, thank God that this is the call.

[222] And it's not like, brother, how did you fuck up so bad?

[223] It was literally like, I knew this was coming because you were getting too many compliments publicly.

[224] Well, it's so funny that you bring that up Because I then texted you Because I was listening to Race to 270 Which was so It was such a piece of artwork I really like I listened to every minute of that With such joy And I texted you at one point I gave you a very high compliment And I think you took it that way About the show About you and Aaron and just the tone of the whole thing.

[225] And you text on me right back and you go, hope this doesn't go to my head and I relapse.

[226] And I said, and I just went, oh, crap.

[227] I mean, come on.

[228] And so then I went, oh, man. And then I felt bad.

[229] No, I was totally joking.

[230] That was my favorite call I got.

[231] I'm happy.

[232] Because the point I was trying to make, the point I was trying to make was when the incoming message is you did it, man. you're killing it yeah it's not that like it goes to your head it's how do i then ask for help yeah like who do i fucking go to well there's that and then it wouldn't be right to say that like i lost all humility in success i'll tell you what did happen is i had all these things to lean on when i started getting honest with myself right like oh this is heading in a direction this is getting out of control, but then I could go, but I'm doing really well this year and the show's doing well, like to have things to lean on.

[233] In that way, it's dangerous.

[234] Not in that I was walking around thinking my shit didn't stink because that really wasn't.

[235] I just had a lot of shit to lean on.

[236] And that's what I was worried that I was conveying to you afterward.

[237] To me, you know, my experience with it was I can remember being in a position where I'm really struggling, making a decision whether I'm like, you know, I've gotten offered two jobs and am I going to take this team each or then see you.

[238] And like really losing my mind over it.

[239] And because of everything on the exterior that's going on with me, it becomes then difficult to then go to somebody else and go, hey man, I'm really struggling with this.

[240] It's hard to find that person who you can go to, like, look, I remember when I first got sober or when I first came in.

[241] And it took years and years of truly, I mean, beating myself to the ground and thinking I was going to die and getting worried that that was significantly or it was definitely going to happen and realizing I don't want that to happen.

[242] And so I had a moment of clarity.

[243] I can't attribute it to anything other than whatever it is.

[244] And I decided I don't want to do this anymore.

[245] I need to be honest, not only with myself, but the people around me, I need help.

[246] Did you go to treatment or you?

[247] Yeah.

[248] Oh, you did?

[249] You want it?

[250] This is a great story.

[251] It involves Kristen Bell.

[252] Oh, wonderful.

[253] Kristen Bell was one of the first calls that I made on my way out of treatment.

[254] Really?

[255] Drinking to me was always a problem, but it didn't really become like a real problem for me until I tried to stop.

[256] And then I realized quickly, I was like, I don't think I can stop this.

[257] And then you're like, oh, I'm drinking for all these different reasons.

[258] Now I'm drinking because I can't stop drinking.

[259] Yes, yes, yes.

[260] It is now further.

[261] lowered my self -esteem and self -image to admit it to myself that like this is a nightmare yeah like when am i going to die it's gonna be soon totally and every night you're just like this i'm like like you have like a little lucid moment where you stare at the ceiling you know i'm going no i'm gonna pass out at some point yeah and then you go it's really a coin flip if i wake up uh -huh and that's a bummer man yeah and you keep doing that and it gets real scary and so there was just one moment where like, anyway, but prior to that, I tried all these different things to quit and to stop.

[262] I'll do yoga, like all the bullshit.

[263] So at some point I run into Kristen and her ex -boyfriend, Kevin, who I was friendly with both.

[264] And I don't remember it was Kevin or Kristen.

[265] I'm pretty sure it was Kristen.

[266] She had mentioned she had just rescued a dog.

[267] She was like driving downtown and there was a dog on the street and she was like, pull the car.

[268] This is my recollection.

[269] I don't know.

[270] But she was like, pull the car over and she saved this dog.

[271] And she was telling me this story.

[272] And she's like, now I've got to find someone to take the dog.

[273] I go, maybe a dog's the answer.

[274] Of course.

[275] And so I go, I'll take the dog.

[276] No. Oh, my God.

[277] And so she goes, really?

[278] And I go, yeah, let me be the hero.

[279] Oh, my God.

[280] Oh, my God.

[281] So she goes, well, okay, you should come to meet the dog.

[282] And I was like, do I really have to?

[283] I was like, I know I want it.

[284] She goes, you should come meet the dog.

[285] And I can't.

[286] I can't give you the dog right away because I need to take the dog to the vet.

[287] She has a swollen vagina.

[288] Swear to God.

[289] I go, all right.

[290] So I go over to her house.

[291] I'm like literally cannot see straight.

[292] Like I'm looking at the dog that's running around.

[293] I was like, looks like a dog to me. And Kristen was like, you see right here and like lift the dog over.

[294] Oh, my God.

[295] And it was for sure a swollen vagina.

[296] irritated where you go oh that needs attention yeah thank you for that i guess and so oh man and so i was like all right so i leave her house and you take the dog no because she got to take it to the vet yeah we gotta get that bad and so i leave i go to the pet store i buy dog food and a bowl and all the shit because i'm ready i'm like in a week i'm gonna have a dog come that thursday i'm out and 30 vacatown I was like, I need some help, man. This isn't going well.

[297] And the next day, I'm in treatment.

[298] Oh, wow.

[299] So you just ghosted on this big vagina dog.

[300] They take my phone.

[301] They take everything about me. And for 30 days, like one of the things going through my head, which is at this point, very little, was like, oh, man, I think I got to tell Kristen Bell, I can't take the vagina dog.

[302] Oh, my God.

[303] I get out.

[304] And of course, you're like, the whole time.

[305] you go, oh, man, I'm, you know, I had a drink in 30 days, and I don't even remember how long.

[306] Right.

[307] And so I was like, man, I'm really going to get my life together.

[308] Got all this stuff to they got to communicate with all these people.

[309] You know, the world is waiting for my return.

[310] Yes.

[311] And I was like, I made four phone calls, told my parents I was okay.

[312] And then other than that, I was like, shit, I got to call Kristen Bell.

[313] And I don't fully remember how it went down, but I just remember calling her.

[314] There's a good chance I was crying because I felt so bad.

[315] And was like, I don't think I'm ready for this kind of responsibility.

[316] I hope the dog is okay.

[317] I hope her vagina's fine.

[318] I'm so sorry, but, oh, God, this kills me. It would be wrong for me to take the dog.

[319] Oh, my God.

[320] I wonder if that ended up being Lola, no. No, no. I feel like sometimes she had elephantitis of the vagina.

[321] I feel like that's something that got treated over the years.

[322] Maybe it's a dog.

[323] Maybe there's a high percentage of a dog.

[324] I have a question.

[325] You said addicts are, in your words, crazy.

[326] They have a similar brain.

[327] You guys share a similar brain, all of you, I think.

[328] And so sometimes I wonder, how does that go in these meetings?

[329] So there's no one with the different brain to say or to have any different perspective.

[330] Like sometimes I think like, oh, Dax is sitting in a room with all these people who are just like him.

[331] Totally.

[332] But you see it all the time between Eric and I. Yeah.

[333] It's like basically one of us is in that state of mind that is untenable and cuckoo.

[334] And most of the other people are not having one of those kind of episodes.

[335] And then I just say to Eric, like, yeah, man, I had the same thing last week.

[336] And then I, so.

[337] But it's episodes, but I mean more like the way of thinking.

[338] It's very similar.

[339] Mm -hmm.

[340] And so if everyone is thinking in the exact same way, sometimes I wonder, like, but no one's there to present a. different way of thinking?

[341] Well, when somebody is in their disease, there is something about somebody who is not in their disease, but understands what that person is thinking and can share their experience to that person to pull them out of it and to potentially make a better decision and a more sober decision.

[342] That's what we need each other.

[343] It's like, I can't make a decision sometimes for myself.

[344] Right.

[345] But, you know, I lost my sponsor last year.

[346] And at the mall or?

[347] He would have liked that.

[348] Oh my God.

[349] I hated that.

[350] We've already talked about it.

[351] No, he was buying a pair of Z -Cavereachia.

[352] And the alien black pinstrapies and no one fucking buy that.

[353] Yeah, no. And he was like, if this is the only pair, fuck this.

[354] Oh, man. But I would always say about him, I would always say about him, It was like he made the best decisions for me in my life.

[355] And he made every great decision in my life for me. That's what's phenomenal is we can do that for each other, but we can't always do it for ourselves.

[356] And I got to say that is the magic of the program, Monica, is that if a sane, rational person stepped in and then instructed us on what to do, we would jump them.

[357] No one's allowed to tell anybody what to do.

[358] So all that can happen is something they're going through can remind you of something you're going through.

[359] simply share the experience of what you went through it's up to them to take something from that and incorporated but nobody there is allowed to tell anyone that they're thinking is anyway the only thing can do is trigger like similarity i don't know if it's an addict thing it's certainly a me thing but like i don't want instruction i don't want someone with an agenda that's why i'm a fucking alcoholic got a lot of people with agendas around me you tell your thing and i might agree with you and i might trust you and i look at max i'm like yeah this dude is he knows exactly what it's like to be in my mind.

[360] The moment you had where you got scared, yeah, for years, I acknowledged I was an alcoholic, but it was kind of cute.

[361] I thought it was cute.

[362] Like, I was Bukowski.

[363] And then I was in my kitchen one time in my one bedroom apartment.

[364] And I said, oh, this joke is for real.

[365] Like, I thought, yeah, I'm an alcoholic.

[366] And then I could at some point maybe decide that that wasn't going to be my identity, but that opportunity had passed.

[367] And it's, it is a feeling of, um, for me, claustrophobia, like, I'm trapped.

[368] I'm on a ride I can't get off of.

[369] I'm not in control whatsoever, and I don't think you can get off this right.

[370] It's very terrifying.

[371] And I think you got to feel it to really know, because I knew intellectually what it meant, but I didn't know what it meant emotionally.

[372] Yeah, totally.

[373] And I get in trouble sometimes where it's, feelings are really, really tough for me, because it's hard for me to articulate my feelings, like, because they feel so big, so overwhelming.

[374] And that's why experience is something that I can tangibly deal with and I can understand.

[375] And I can share experience.

[376] I can hear experience.

[377] But feelings is a weird thing.

[378] Like seven years later, I might be able to say, I now understand what I was feeling in that moment.

[379] Yeah.

[380] But when it's happening, it's just too much.

[381] Are you a middle child?

[382] Only.

[383] Oh, baby.

[384] Will you take a nap at a crowded party?

[385] I'll take a nap right now.

[386] Okay.

[387] This is consistent.

[388] We have a few only child friends.

[389] And these folks will take naps in the middle of a party.

[390] Like, there's just some, there's something really...

[391] I've got to go to bed.

[392] Yeah.

[393] Well, you got to take it at any moment.

[394] Yeah.

[395] Because I became successful acting much later.

[396] What age?

[397] 31.

[398] But it had grinded for a long time.

[399] And a lot of, like, our contemporaries were people that I viewed as heroes for a long time.

[400] And now I'm meeting them.

[401] I'm working with them.

[402] I'm friends with them.

[403] And a lot of the times when I'll be...

[404] out or somewhere and I'll have an experience where I'll be talking to you know whomever and I'll be halfway in and I'll go this is going really well oh yeah and then I'll just bail because I'm like it's only going to go downhill from here I got to go take care of me I'm gonna go take a nap and be like get out because you can only fuck this up I only have a single memory of you and I being out in that scenario and maybe I've forgotten some but we were both up front one year I guess there's only like three years you're all The opener to me was incredible.

[405] I think you had just flown in because it was in New York.

[406] Yeah.

[407] And my wife, Tess, who worked at Fox, we were together and you came up and you were saying hi to everybody.

[408] And you go, oh, I just watched an episode of your show on the plane.

[409] You have the milkiest, whitest skin like Tom Cruise in far and away.

[410] I did.

[411] But you're leaving out the most crucial part.

[412] Well, please.

[413] I said your body is fucking.

[414] off the charts you were on a couch which is impossible to have a six -pack when you're sitting on a couch and there you were with your shirt off you fucking looked amazing sitting down that's not possible and yeah you look like t cruz and fucking far and away and i i can see his body in my mind about ready to fist fight in that movie and it's something to remember you did it well i was equally in that moment like this is the weirdest opening from any person ever but i also was like really flattered.

[415] Good, good, good.

[416] That's the balance you strike often.

[417] Well, that brings up, I was going to dole us out later, but what's really kind of fun about the show is I sometimes have friends on.

[418] And like, I don't really know about my friends or I know.

[419] Yeah, I know about your journey being a father.

[420] I know that really well because of our program.

[421] Yeah.

[422] I get to hear you share about being a husband and being a father.

[423] But like, I don't know who you were in high school or anything.

[424] So I saw that you were a fucking wide receiver in high school.

[425] And this is very, this is very, this is very, this is very awesome.

[426] brand for one of us show.

[427] I would not have expected that.

[428] Right?

[429] One of us show business folk.

[430] Wow.

[431] Did you play high school football?

[432] No, no. I, I snowboarded in drag race.

[433] I went to a high school that had like a storied high school football team.

[434] Where's Dobbs?

[435] Dab's Ferry is in upstate New York.

[436] Okay.

[437] It's in Westchester, 25 minute train ride to the city.

[438] Oh, okay.

[439] But it was also very, very small.

[440] We had a small high school.

[441] I was like, I guess I'll play football.

[442] Because all of our friends played football and you were like, that seems like the thing to do.

[443] And then after the games, you get to go out.

[444] It's great.

[445] So that's really what I was sort of looking for.

[446] And you're with everybody.

[447] It's a good time.

[448] I was terrible.

[449] Okay.

[450] That's reassuring a little bit.

[451] And I for sure got a concussion.

[452] Now that that's been like a topic of discussion.

[453] Yeah, CTE.

[454] I immediately was like, oh, I know one time for sure.

[455] I got one.

[456] There was a guy on the other team.

[457] There's always one guy.

[458] Everyone's like my size And then there's one guy Who you're like oh my god We're gonna have to tackle him Someone's dad's on the team Yeah totally And so this one guy like goes Over the middle And he catches a ball And I hit him at the goal line And don't remember the next three minutes But the only thing I remember It was the coach yelling at me going You're in right now And I was on the sideline And I was like hey man I'm sorry Didn't I just do a good job Yeah.

[459] I think I died there for a minute.

[460] Totally.

[461] I did like wrestling, though.

[462] I wrestled in high school.

[463] Yeah, again, not good at it, but I loved practice.

[464] I love to practice.

[465] It is a very specific personality type that can go into wrestling.

[466] And it's not athletics.

[467] It's an insane control addict.

[468] Discipline.

[469] You think?

[470] Yes, because the fucking diet is insane.

[471] Like, kids cutting weight in high school, like, for real, like they're boxers.

[472] Like, that's a level of willpower that.

[473] teenagers aren't supposed to have your frontal lobe doesn't work we had again small school so there wasn't like competition for the weight classes okay all right it was just guys versus guys and girls yeah totally and there was like two kids that were really good and then there was me who was like i can wrestle 145 one just put me in man whatever you want to do and every once a while i'd have to like cut two pounds i'd be like this all right well just don't drink on Thursday right and so it wasn't that big a deal.

[474] There was a few matches though that I went into just deeply terrified.

[475] I wrestled this one kid from Pleasantville who was one of our friends had cousins on Pleasantville and this kid Justin was on their team who was a real wrestler.

[476] You knew.

[477] Yeah, I knew of Justin.

[478] My friend Brian from our school as I'm sitting on the bench starts telling me that he had been telling his cousin that I had been talking shit about Justin.

[479] Uh -oh.

[480] And I'm looking over at Justin, who's got, like, a shaved head.

[481] Who's like, nobody really shaves their head totally in high school.

[482] And Justin had a shaved head and, like, look like Channing Tatum.

[483] And I was just like, man, there's no way this kid weighs as much as I do.

[484] Right, right.

[485] And he's looking at me, and he's looking at me in the way like, listen, I know Brian's having his cousin's talk shit.

[486] I know you're not actually doing it.

[487] But the whole situation is annoying to me, and I'm going to take it out on you.

[488] I'm going to put you down quick.

[489] And I walked into this thing and was like, I'm just going to lay down, man. I mean, this guy grabbed a hole to me, and I was like, let's just end it.

[490] And just sort of like crumpled to the ground and was like, here, man, just get on, just get on.

[491] There it is.

[492] There it is.

[493] And he fucking pinned me, man. And I've never been more excited for something to be over with.

[494] But also kind of embarrassed because everybody's like, what was that?

[495] man i was like just i don't want to talk about it i think this was even both of our favorite moments of race to 270 when aaron tells the story of having to karate fight a girl and like of all the directions you think the story's going man it did not get he just kicked her in the stuff oh my god was like fucking cheering him i mean what and he felt terrible but how i mean just how loose do you would get on that show it makes me really yearn for more Aaron Weekly.

[496] I'm like, what's happening next?

[497] I'm figuring it out.

[498] I'm figuring out.

[499] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[500] Also, what's his weight at these these days?

[501] He's around 275.

[502] Like he didn't.

[503] So he kept it on.

[504] Yeah, yeah.

[505] Yeah, he's done a really good job.

[506] Yeah, because he found love afterwards and he, uh, this great girl, Ruthie, and they live together.

[507] I think she's on him pretty good.

[508] She works out a ton, so.

[509] And what's Charlie at?

[510] Oh, my God.

[511] Charlie's at like 150.

[512] No, I think he told me his goal on Sunday was 208.

[513] Our goal is to meet now.

[514] You know, not for the sake of the show.

[515] Yeah, he's lost 62 pounds.

[516] Does he still own the gym downtown?

[517] He doesn't have the CrossFit gym anymore, but he does have a studio where he does private training.

[518] Yeah, I remember seeing him long time.

[519] Like when CrossFit was just starting out here, we would all go to this place called CrossFit Hollywood.

[520] It was on LaBrea.

[521] And I remember there was like a handful of guys in there and I remember seeing him in there being like...

[522] Oh, really?

[523] Yeah.

[524] Oh, you knew of him before the show.

[525] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[526] And I remember looking over and being like, that dude's big.

[527] Yeah.

[528] In a way that you can't really generally get big, like...

[529] No, that's a genetic.

[530] Yeah.

[531] That's genetics, man. And then I remember he opened that gym downtown, and I remember going down there.

[532] We were shooting New Yorker downtown once, and I was like, oh, I'm just going to go over to the gym.

[533] What is it?

[534] Rec Center.

[535] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[536] And I remember I was like, I'm just going to go over there because I know he owns that gym and worked out of there.

[537] Yeah, man. You were so dialed.

[538] And his wife, who I don't think was his wife at the time, they like opened it together.

[539] That's right.

[540] Yeah, and she was super nice.

[541] and she used to work out at Hollywood, too.

[542] She's a beast, too.

[543] She's incredible.

[544] Really nice people.

[545] Yeah, but I mean, her buns and stuff are off the charts.

[546] Like, they belong together.

[547] They're a good pair, yeah.

[548] We always joke because we're a pot of, like, whatever, for, for families.

[549] And we always joke about, like, when are we going to start wife swapping?

[550] Like, that's inevitable.

[551] We're all going to get bored.

[552] And we've all concluded, like, it's just going to be all the other families waiting for those two.

[553] Like, no one, there's no swapping.

[554] It's just going to be a line to.

[555] to Charlie and Erica.

[556] Like, well, I'll be, all the dads will be sitting there waiting, you know, and all the...

[557] That's the next podcast.

[558] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[559] We've all been there.

[560] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[561] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[562] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[563] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[564] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[565] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[566] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[567] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon music.

[568] What's up, guys?

[569] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[570] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[571] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[572] And I don't mean just friends.

[573] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[574] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[575] this is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[576] Yeah, so what dude were you in high school?

[577] You were popular, right?

[578] I guess.

[579] I think it was...

[580] You are.

[581] I got to say...

[582] I will say this.

[583] A lot of it is really blurry.

[584] And it's hard to know who I was at that time.

[585] Part of the sobriety thing was like, I don't know where I am, who I am.

[586] Yeah.

[587] I am not grounded on this earth at all.

[588] I'm never present.

[589] And all of it.

[590] became clear once I got over and began renal recovering from that.

[591] Yeah, you're right.

[592] I won't speak for you, but yeah, like, drinking was in the, it was the first thing of my identity.

[593] Totally.

[594] If I went to someone's house, I'd always bring like a 12 -pack, and if they looked at me weird, I'd just be like, oh, this isn't going to be a match.

[595] Like, I like to fucking rip it up.

[596] That was my hobby, and that was my, all my free time was that.

[597] But, like, I could drink with anybody.

[598] Yeah, same.

[599] So it was like, I drink those guys, these guys.

[600] So, like, whatever the vibe is over here, I'm down.

[601] But that also leaves you in a place where you go, I don't really know who I am.

[602] Yeah, you haven't defined yourself by anything else, but you like to attend parties.

[603] He's like kind of a good time up to a point.

[604] Then it gets a little weird.

[605] I think he keeps going when we go to bed.

[606] That's right.

[607] I think he goes someplace else and does that all over again, maybe.

[608] Wait, so how old are you when you started drinking?

[609] 13.

[610] Oh, wow.

[611] Wow.

[612] Yeah.

[613] But you just grabbed something out of a fridge and decided, let's try this.

[614] or you were with buddies or something?

[615] Yeah, it was that first time where you just like, I think it was like a keg party or something.

[616] You have one, you go, I don't know what that is.

[617] You have two, you go, should I have another one?

[618] You have three, you go like this.

[619] Wait a minute.

[620] I want to do this a lot.

[621] I was a really late starter because my dad was a recovering alcoholic.

[622] So I knew better, right?

[623] And I had delayed it for a very long time.

[624] And when I finally, I made this intellectual argument.

[625] I even went to my mother.

[626] And I said, look, I know you don't want me to drink, but I am going.

[627] to have to find out for myself.

[628] I can't just take it that I'm going to be an addict because dad is.

[629] And so I'd already made this decision.

[630] And then I guess after that, I was in my kitchen and I opened up the fridge and there was like four beers.

[631] My mom didn't drink beer, but we had beer for other people.

[632] And I was just like, well, here we go.

[633] Let's try this.

[634] Drink the first one, very similar.

[635] Like, okay, it doesn't taste awesome, but whatever.

[636] And then about like almost finishing the second one, it just felt righter than anything's ever.

[637] ever felt.

[638] I like myself right now.

[639] I dated a girl for a minute who at some point went like this.

[640] You know, when you have a couple of drinks, you're like a normal person.

[641] And I went like this, thank you.

[642] That's what I've been saying.

[643] God, nobody fucking gets it.

[644] I bet we share this as well, which is like there are so many more prominent reasons why I was an addict.

[645] The genetics, a lot of childhood trauma, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[646] but I would add into that pretty significantly was the beatdown of 10 years of auditioning not getting anything.

[647] Like that was a pretty brutal experience.

[648] I needed many hours of the day I wasn't thinking about how bad I was failing at that thing.

[649] Yeah, I mean, that definitely played a part in it.

[650] I mean, it definitely like took the edge off of feeling terrible about myself.

[651] But when I got sober, again, I was not anywhere near working.

[652] Right.

[653] And I remember that first year, I was questioning everything.

[654] I was like, do I want to be an actor?

[655] Am I being an actor for the right reasons?

[656] Do I just want to be famous?

[657] Like all these weird things.

[658] Because you got a new relationship with the honesty with yourself.

[659] Yes, totally.

[660] And so I was really like, we are at ground zero.

[661] And so I remember getting into an acting class and the woman who was teaching in class knew my story and was very, very nice and was like, look, there's a waiting lift to the class.

[662] But I know what's going on with you.

[663] I'm going to let you in.

[664] It's probably like three months.

[665] And I go, thank you so much.

[666] And I remember like getting into the acting class, sitting down, you know, everybody's there and we're supposed to read something.

[667] And I was like, I can't read this.

[668] Oh, really?

[669] Couldn't even speak.

[670] Oh, wow.

[671] I go, all right, maybe that was just the day.

[672] And at the end of the class, we got scene partners.

[673] And they were like, all right, now listen.

[674] She mentioned the word commitment.

[675] When you rehearse with your scene partner, that's a commitment that you're making.

[676] So you need to really commit to being with your scene partner and rehearsing these scenes.

[677] And I was like, commitment means you do not have a choice you are doing this and I go this is a new word for me and I have learned it and I will abide by it and so I drive to this girl's house where I was supposed to be rehearsing a scene with and I parked outside and I looked at her house and I went, I can't go in there and so I pick up the phone and I really like sat there for a while and I go I honestly cannot do this but then I was conflicted about the commitment issue and so I called this woman whose assistant answer this poor assistant and I pick up the phone and I go Hey is Leslie there And she's like no And I go Listen I'm sitting outside of My scene partners House I can't go in there I'm not ready for this And I start And I like started hysterically crying Oh wow And it was just too much for me And I was like Give the spot to someone else I can't be in this class It's too much for me And then And at that point I was like, I really don't know if I'm acting.

[678] I was like, you maybe just want to concentrate on your sobriety right now.

[679] So then took another like six, seven, eight months maybe before I got into another class with a guy who just passed away.

[680] This guy, Bill Howey, he was a really great acting teacher.

[681] A lot of stand -up comedians in the class, which was good for me. But he, like, really said it straight for me and taught me acting in a way that really made sense to me at the time, which was be of service, which was a big word for us, to the story.

[682] Yeah.

[683] And that way, you're not making it about you.

[684] You separate you from the whole thing.

[685] And I go, this makes sense.

[686] And then all of a sudden I started doing my best work.

[687] And it really was because Bill was like, that's how you do it.

[688] And then you just attack story and you be a part of it.

[689] You separate yourself from the entire thing.

[690] And I go, oh.

[691] And so, I mean, it then was another four years before I got new girl.

[692] But you met your wife sober then?

[693] No. No, we had two years before.

[694] Oh, okay.

[695] Because I want to know the complexity of like, I've had my own horror, right, of, like, being unemployed and Kristen can't decide which of the 25 projects she wants to do.

[696] I've been in that position, and that's its own unique issue.

[697] But I also imagine there's some unique pain involved with being married to a casting director, knowing that in some level she has the keys to the kingdom in some way, is that a stressor at all?

[698] No, because, well, will she be the first to point out and be like this?

[699] You're going to talk like that in the audition?

[700] she in my favorite way is so beautifully honest with me and knows exactly how to handle me and is so much of the reason that I feel like I'm able to be a good not only a good husband but like a good employee and a good father do you have the perverse coveting of the brutal truth as I do oh it's all I want yeah is there like childhood stuff where it's like I want the truth.

[701] Well, my mom who only came from a place of love, was always like, I mean, she'll do it with my daughter.

[702] Like, we bought these architecture Legos.

[703] Uh -huh.

[704] And Lily, my daughter, will put together like four.

[705] And my mom will be like this.

[706] She's Frank Lloyd Wright.

[707] And I'll go, all right.

[708] I can't.

[709] I can't do this.

[710] And at some point I caught on to it, and I was like, I know you love me. I do.

[711] Not only, like, I'm just okay.

[712] But I also know, like, I'm also capable of being a real dumb.

[713] And so...

[714] Well, that brings me kind of to something I didn't know about you that we also share, which is...

[715] So you wrote a children's book.

[716] I don't know if it's a children's book or a young adult book or what age brackets are for.

[717] Yeah, for beginner readers.

[718] Beginner readers.

[719] And it's called, I don't want to read this book, right?

[720] Yes.

[721] And I didn't know that you two struggled to read.

[722] Yeah.

[723] And I figured this out late in life.

[724] I was going around to all these colleges.

[725] I was, for whatever reason, there was like a time in my life where I have...

[726] a lot of colleges that were reaching out and saying, can you come speak?

[727] The first one I did was Syracuse, and I looked out, and there was like a thousand kids out there.

[728] What are you supposed to say?

[729] Like a commencement speech or something?

[730] It's like a cue.

[731] This one was just like, it was not even like, just like go talk to the kids and like do like a fun.

[732] Yeah, and then it becomes a Q &A.

[733] Yeah.

[734] Sometimes it was a speech.

[735] Most of the times it was a Q &A.

[736] And, you know, for the most part, they just want you to be like, Schmitt.

[737] Yeah, yeah.

[738] And you're like, right on, yeah.

[739] And so I looked out at this audience, specifically the first one, in Syracuse, and I was like, I just want to let you guys know something.

[740] I'm looking at a bunch of students, whether you're freshman or sophomore, junior, senior, like, I went to college for a year, didn't do a thing because I couldn't do a thing.

[741] And I'm so impressed with all of you.

[742] And I want you to be impressed with yourselves because this is something that I could not do.

[743] Yeah.

[744] And then I started thinking about it because when I initially said, I was like, if I went back to school now, you could do it.

[745] I could do it.

[746] And then I started thinking about it and I was like, I don't think I could.

[747] And I started to realize, like, this is a real issue.

[748] And then, like, the lockdown happens and all of a sudden I'm now my daughter's teacher and becomes really clear to me. Not to break her anonymity, but I do think most of your shares during this period were solely about teaching your kids.

[749] Oh, all of them.

[750] All of them.

[751] That's hard.

[752] was just like, here's a curriculum, teach your child.

[753] And I was like, I can't do any of this.

[754] Yeah.

[755] And it dawned on me like, oh, this is a real problem.

[756] And after doing some research, I was like, oh, I'm fully dyslexic.

[757] And not only am I dyslexic, I used to think that dyslexia was just like, you flip words or like you read it backwards.

[758] No, no, no, no, no. And I deal with it really organizationally.

[759] If I'm reading something that, I mean, this is very alcoholic, but like, if I'm reading something where I know there's like a at the end, I can steam roll through it.

[760] Sure, sure, sure.

[761] But if you're just like, read this to read it, if it doesn't get me in the first three pages, I'm like, this is torture.

[762] And it's really, really difficult.

[763] And so I'm going through this and I'm like going, I don't think, I can't be the only person who feels this way.

[764] Yeah.

[765] And so I had somebody reach out to me and ask the opportunity to write a children's book.

[766] And I was like, well, if I was going to write a children's book, it would be called, I don't want to read this book, and it would be all the reasons you want to read a book.

[767] But at the end of the book, the child has read a book.

[768] Yeah, yeah.

[769] And so then I started to write the book, and I realized, oh, my God, what was just like sort of like a fun idea really became something like, oh, this has been my struggle for 40 years.

[770] Yeah.

[771] Are you reminded when teaching your kids?

[772] So I have two kids.

[773] One of them learned to read in 30 seconds.

[774] Like, I couldn't believe it.

[775] And then the other one's kind of like me. And as much as I remember the frustration, I've forgotten many of the details.

[776] So it's like, I'll watch her.

[777] And it's exhausting.

[778] I forgot about how exhausting it is.

[779] Like to go through it in the way you have to and sound out those words and you can't sound out words.

[780] And the whole thing, by half of a paragraph, I can see in her.

[781] She's fucking exhausted.

[782] Yeah.

[783] And I forgot that part of it.

[784] Like, it's just overwhelming on an energy level.

[785] Yeah, totally.

[786] and I think there's also this there's all this expectation and every avenue a teacher tries to take with a student is to try to get them to a place where they love reading and it's like look I love a lot of things and there's other things where it's like it's just not my thing I don't dislike it I just am like I don't love it you know what I mean and to fall in love with something I think is a big deal so to expect that these kids are supposed to fall in love with reading is such a high expectation and I think if you're a child and you can't articulate yourself and you don't fall in in the way that I think that they think that they're supposed to it can be really a shameful thing for these kids yeah you feel guilty that you can't enjoy this thing everyone's enjoying around you yeah totally and it happens at the same like when you're learning to read it's right around seven which apparently I don't know how true this is is when kids start to compare themselves to other kids and they start to look around they go why is he taller or why is she sure like whatever it is and to be able to look over and be like so hold on wait they finish the whole book yeah they're on page 40 on page three it's a big deal it's defeating yeah yeah and it's and so much of like that ability is tied to how smart you think you are of course and one has nothing to do with the other yeah well we just have bj novac on and he said the simplest thing which the written word it was a crude method for us to pass knowledge from one human to another because we couldn't send a video of us passing the knowledge like we revere it in a way that maybe we've missed the point it's a system of symbols so that you can get what's in my brain into your brain.

[787] But there might be a much better way for me to get what's in my brain into your brain.

[788] Yeah.

[789] That could be around the corner.

[790] There should be shame around it.

[791] The goal is to get the idea in your brain into mind.

[792] Yeah.

[793] They've switched the term learning disability to learning differences.

[794] I like that term differences.

[795] Because like I notice everybody, especially like when you see people, when you work on a ton of sets and you see everybody approach the same thing differently.

[796] Everybody does it differently.

[797] Everybody does it differently.

[798] I don't know one person who like goes into a scene and does it the same way as another person yeah everybody's got their own thing yeah and it's the same way with reading or writing or learning in general well what i wish i had known as a kid that i later learned in a malcolm gladwell book is just that like i grew up knowing that dyslexics were had a twice the rate of incarceration as adults so it was like here's bad news you can't read and then here's some worse views you know you're going to go to jail and then the gladwell book is like you're also twice as likely to be a CEO So it's like we have some friends of ours that have a kid that's diagnosed as dyslexic.

[799] And I'm like, yeah, it blows right now.

[800] But let me tell you what you're going to get.

[801] Your retention of what you hear people say is going to be off the charts.

[802] It's going to blow people's mind for the rest of your life.

[803] You're going to be able to hear someone tell a story and remember it better than they can tell.

[804] Like that's the skill you're going to develop.

[805] Like you're going to develop all these other skills that are probably more practical and more needed on a day -to -day basis than reading.

[806] Yeah.

[807] And you're going to hear and see and process things in a way that.

[808] nobody else is going to it's going to be specific to you and you might do something wonderful with that that's right that's right the book how was it received by the family they like it they were really excited at some point I was like there's this is going to be another book that they don't care about and it's certainly getting to that place because they're like enough already but I've been reading it to my son and it's one of those books that you can perform which I like sure sure that's your strength Yeah, it's basically one big monologue.

[809] I like including them in what I do and what test does.

[810] It's fun to include them.

[811] I think, like, there's a, and I understand this, the instinct to keep them separated from what we do.

[812] I don't.

[813] I've had a lot of fights about this.

[814] Lily would come specifically when we were doing tape nights for the neighborhood, and she would hang out every Tuesday night at these tapings, and I'm like, you're at work when you're here and the PAs would give her a headset and she would be part of like and it was just it was the best and she gets to see like all of these people work as a team and be a part of this thing and having a good time doing what they love to do and that's their job yeah they're going to get a paycheck on Friday for that you can do the same thing like you shouldn't be victim to just doing a job because it's a job like you can do whatever you want like your career can be something that you love and have fun at I think the real thing is just most parents that are in this industry who have children.

[815] They remember the struggle and they remember all the rejection.

[816] And I think that's what they're really objecting to.

[817] Like, I think they just, the notion that their kid's going to walk into a thousand rooms and find out they weren't right is what scares.

[818] And maybe not have success.

[819] Like, just because you guys have it, but it's the point.

[820] Oh, oh, it's that statistic.

[821] Like, there's a chance they're going to just struggle.

[822] That's right.

[823] But the job itself.

[824] I don't think is something that someone wouldn't want for their kid.

[825] Like, if you can have gainful employment in this industry, I worked in the automotive industry for 14 years.

[826] Also, if you just take success out of it completely.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Because I think everybody has their own definition of what that is.

[829] Right.

[830] Hold on half a second.

[831] Yeah.

[832] This is worth it.

[833] You're interrupting Max Greenfield, who just told the story about some dog you tried to pawn off on him with an enormous vagina.

[834] Do you remember this?

[835] Wait, what?

[836] 15 years ago, right before I went into rehab, I had offered to take the dog that you had found downtown.

[837] And you said, I can't give him to you yet because I got to take him to the vet because he has a swollen vagina.

[838] Or she, rather.

[839] She, maybe she.

[840] And then I called you approximately 30 -plus days later.

[841] And I said, I can't take the dog.

[842] I don't think it would be good for the dog.

[843] And I'm not ready for that type of commitment.

[844] I guess our question is, do we remember the dog?

[845] And is, what did she find?

[846] Whatever happened to her vagina?

[847] I don't remember exactly the dog, but the reality is I have rescued many a dog in Los Angeles.

[848] But I do remember one having a vagina problem.

[849] Oh, my God.

[850] No, I do.

[851] It had like a vagina, like a baseball mitt.

[852] Oh, yeah, catcher's mitt.

[853] Yes.

[854] You showed it to me and you said, no, this is why I can't give you the dog.

[855] Well, as you can see, we're a little busy, but I thought it would be worthwhile since he just talked about this elephantitis of the vagina dog you were trying to pull on off on him.

[856] I'm a little bit.

[857] I'm busy, too.

[858] I'm in the middle of Squid game.

[859] I just thought I'd call and say hello.

[860] What episode are you on?

[861] Three.

[862] What a fucking ride, huh?

[863] Oh, my God.

[864] I love it so.

[865] Well, we love you.

[866] I'm not shocked at all.

[867] She doesn't remember that.

[868] How many dogs do you think she's just picked up off the street?

[869] You know, this was one of the things I hated about her when we first started dating.

[870] I couldn't conceptualize someone that actually cared that much about dogs.

[871] So what I thought she was doing was like virtue signaling to me. So we'd be driving, she'd scream, pull over.

[872] I think that dogs, I mean, everywhere we went, you'd be shocked how many stray dogs are running around that I'd never even saw.

[873] But she sees one everywhere she goes.

[874] And it's such an inconvenience.

[875] We've got to pull over.

[876] And then you get to take and see if it's got a chip in the whole nine yards.

[877] But then once I realized it was authentic and I wasn't to impress anyone, I was like, okay.

[878] I was really hoping to get like a nicer button to that story where she's, She was like, oh, the vagina dog went on to live.

[879] She had 10 vagina pops.

[880] So before we wrap it up, I want to say, I was watching the assassination of Giovanni Versace, the American crime story.

[881] And right when I saw you, I was like, is that Max?

[882] And I remember telling you, like, it blew my mind.

[883] In a way that I was like, oh, Jesus, he can do that.

[884] I'm fucking so good in that.

[885] Well, this is how I've approached this, and I've found some real happiness.

[886] and serenity of it, which is I love the stability of being on a TV show.

[887] It's great.

[888] I loved it when I was on a new girl.

[889] I really love it on the neighborhood because of the hours and I get to be with my kids.

[890] Yeah.

[891] And then you leave it up to whatever for opportunities like that to come along.

[892] Right.

[893] And you get those opportunities every so often.

[894] And like, I don't know that I would want an opportunity like that on a daily basis.

[895] Oh, well, think, do you watch My Handmaid's Tale?

[896] Oh, my, I don't know how you do that.

[897] Like, I literally look at her and I'm like, How can a human endure this performance for nine months?

[898] I mean, I can't imagine what she feels like when she gets off work.

[899] It's like its own real -life torture.

[900] Like, I think it's a lot like the college thing where it's like, I can't do this.

[901] Like, I don't even think I can't.

[902] I don't think I'm capable of doing this.

[903] That's helpful when you know that.

[904] That's helped me make the best decisions in my life.

[905] Like, I can't sing.

[906] I'm like, no, just come in an audition, just sing.

[907] They can't really, no, I can't do that.

[908] It's not noble of you to say yes to that and then show up and embarrass everyone there come on and then all of a sudden everybody's like oh my god he can't sing and then you realize like oh my i really can't do this yeah yeah with all that said i just sang on stephen conrad's new thing uh because it was him i was like i'll do any who knows i'll never listen because i don't want to know monica and i were just talking about this monica just finished this show called tiny tiny kitchen cookoff tiny kitchen cook off is really miniature food and i said to her how to turn out and she goes i don't know i'll never know i was like we're his soul sister i hear you i got i do a game show or something.

[909] I can't.

[910] I don't need to see.

[911] I'm just like, oh, that happened and I'm moving to the next thing.

[912] But I think that's the right attitude.

[913] I think with everything, it's like, you experience it, you're in it.

[914] Yeah, it was fun.

[915] You're present for it.

[916] And then to revisit it is like for what?

[917] Well, for you and I, particularly, there's only one or two outcomes.

[918] I'm the worst person to ever do this job or I'm the best person to do this job.

[919] I will either.

[920] Neither is healthy.

[921] I end up somewhere in the middle a lot of the time.

[922] Oh, good for you.

[923] because my expectation is pretty low the lowest bottom of the barrel you start with going well they somehow figured out how to cut me out of this scene oh i hope that they have cut me out of the scene and then i'll watch it and then for the most part i think i'm usually like i'm actually that bad yeah serviceable serviceable great and then i move on never touch it again i'm like i'll never think like oh my god i'm really good in this when i go into it i try to take myself out of it because at some point you realize and I think you know this like having directed stuff as an actor you're so you're not as big of a part as you think you know at all yeah and by the time it's all said and done like you're just of service to what's happening there it's true and that's it and I think as soon as you get into like this is a special moment for me and that's what you get in trouble because you're like then you think outside of that you know when you walk into work and you're handing new pages you've written the night before I saw an actor do that once Yeah, I've heard some great stories about some actors doing that.

[924] My favorite is when you watch a guy who's rewritten some dialogue and then can't remember the lines that he rewrote and then it's trying to get it.

[925] And you're like, we don't know what's happening here, man. You're trying to remember lines that you...

[926] Only you know.

[927] Well, I love you, Maxie.

[928] I'm so glad that we met in that secret society and that you can call me in times of crisis and say, I knew this was going to happen to you.

[929] You're getting too much public adoration.

[930] I can count on you for that.

[931] And I hope you know you can count on that for me. Man, this was the best.

[932] And this show is like, it's great.

[933] Don't be careful.

[934] Be careful.

[935] No, but it goes back.

[936] It's an okay show.

[937] No, I know.

[938] But like, it really goes to what you were talking about where it has opened up things where you get to go spend time with people like Daniel.

[939] We're like, this is my, how did this happen?

[940] It's suspicious.

[941] How did this, like...

[942] Well, Monica and I are increasingly certain that we're in a simulation.

[943] For sure.

[944] You are, too.

[945] Look at your life.

[946] I bet you got a speedboat or something.

[947] I'm so impressed with people who were able to embrace something that wasn't the original plan.

[948] Like, this opportunity presented itself.

[949] Yeah.

[950] And I didn't turn on it or resent it or didn't, like, go into it fully because the original plan was this other thing.

[951] Yeah.

[952] And now I'm like...

[953] running around with Daniel Ricardo.

[954] That's right.

[955] And also can still go do all the other things that was part of the original idea.

[956] It's beyond.

[957] It's bonkers.

[958] Yeah, it's silly.

[959] It's awesome, man. Well, I adore you, and I want everyone to buy their children.

[960] I'm legitimately excited to read this book with my eight -year -old.

[961] She'll like it.

[962] Did you have a copy in your trunk?

[963] I have it in my car.

[964] Yeah, I want one.

[965] Okay.

[966] Right.

[967] We sign it.

[968] Yeah.

[969] Do you know how to do you know?

[970] sign your name it's tough it takes me it takes me a while it takes me a while all right take care stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare and now my favorite part of the show the fact check with my soulmate monica padman rolling 400th this is number 400 400 for us man i kind of wish that would have happened exactly on february 14th I'm sorry, it didn't add up You just know how much I like, though The evenness Squares, Rubik's cubes Tetris It's the 14th today Oh, okay That's a good positive spin Okay, I like that Yeah, but It's not It's a bad positive spin I mean while we're recording It's the 14th I know, it's like a really big stretch But look, silver linings It is nice to know that I'm not the only one That's not allowed to get away with shit That was nice.

[971] I'm glad I saw you just pull Robb's choker collar a little bit.

[972] He's getting come a pop, pops.

[973] What a four years.

[974] What a four years.

[975] Lucky, my lord.

[976] I don't want to say I ever got in the doldrums because I certainly didn't.

[977] But I do feel bizarrely energized for our show this year.

[978] Yeah, it's going to be a good year.

[979] Yeah, yeah.

[980] There was a ding ding ding about Trace Letchase.

[981] I guess I can.

[982] Oh, let's get into that.

[983] Yeah.

[984] So it was our friend Erica.

[985] Perfect 10 Charlie's wife's birthday yesterday.

[986] And her favorite cake is Trace Letchase.

[987] It is?

[988] Yes.

[989] So then I was like, oh, my God, I got to find the best Trace Letchase here.

[990] And then I started doing some Googles.

[991] Uh -huh.

[992] That's your safe spot.

[993] Googles?

[994] Searching for things on the internet.

[995] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[996] That's your A meeting.

[997] Yeah.

[998] I found one, but she kind of hit the fan.

[999] We thought she had COVID.

[1000] And then I dropped all my responsibilities for the Tracelles.

[1001] But I'm still planning on seeking a good one out.

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] And bringing it to her.

[1004] Well, I sent her sugarfish.

[1005] And I thought, you know, well, Charlie's going to want to eat it.

[1006] And he's a big boy.

[1007] He needs his protein.

[1008] Because I sent three of those whole meals.

[1009] You know, the meals?

[1010] Trust me. Trust me. If you guys don't live in Los Angeles, I'm so sorry that you can't have sugarfish because it is the best sushi place, hands down, in my opinion.

[1011] Can I tell you an embarrassing admission that occurred this morning?

[1012] I attended a Zoom meeting and a couple things about it.

[1013] One is, in the last 16 years, I bet I've been to maybe five co -ed meetings.

[1014] Okay.

[1015] I only go to men's meetings.

[1016] Right.

[1017] And then my story about why I only go to men's meetings is that I need to be taught how to be a man in a healthy way.

[1018] I tried the other way.

[1019] And so I need guidance from men.

[1020] I need to know how to be a husband and a father and all these things.

[1021] That's the story I've been telling myself, right?

[1022] So I got on the Zoom, which my friend invited me to, people were all over the country.

[1023] It wasn't a lot of people.

[1024] There was probably like, I don't know, 12 people on the Zoom thing.

[1025] Yeah.

[1026] And it was co -ed.

[1027] And then what was so cute is there was three different couples that are in the program together.

[1028] That's great.

[1029] Sitting in their chair, right?

[1030] I was so interested and it was so a different point of view that I enjoyed being able to just listen to, right?

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] And I started thinking about my story a little bit.

[1033] I was able to admit to myself.

[1034] I also don't go to meetings with women because I'm fucking terrified of y 'all's emotions, you know?

[1035] It scares me so much.

[1036] Yeah.

[1037] I'm going to share what this guy said.

[1038] I think I can do this in a way that's ethical.

[1039] but a person was sharing that when they first got sober in the 80s, part of their work was they would go to this ward called the Yellow People Ward.

[1040] Okay.

[1041] And this was the ward of the hospital that everyone there was dying of liver disease.

[1042] Oh, wow.

[1043] And so every person in there is yellow.

[1044] And many of the people, he said, had like football size protrusions coming out of their stomach.

[1045] And they were there offering the program.

[1046] They're going through the ward.

[1047] You know, if you're ever interested, you want to go to a meeting?

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] And the person was saying how many of those people that were dead yellow and had visible livers said they don't need that.

[1050] Yeah.

[1051] And I started thinking like, oh, that's right.

[1052] Your story is impervious to facts.

[1053] Mm -hmm.

[1054] And that is fucking wild.

[1055] You just can justify anything.

[1056] Anyone can justify anything.

[1057] But, like, even if they know they need it, they're like, well, I'm already yellow and my liver's popping out.

[1058] Like, why would I stop?

[1059] A little late.

[1060] Yeah.

[1061] You should have showed up 12 years ago.

[1062] Unless you're ready, you'll always find a reason to not.

[1063] But, like, many of the people were literally like, no, no, no, I'm going to, I'm getting fluids and shit.

[1064] And then I'm going to go home and I'm not going to drink whiskey anymore.

[1065] I'm just going to switch to beer and wine.

[1066] Like that, you know, that level of, like, still.

[1067] Not realizing the powerlessness.

[1068] The negotiation.

[1069] Yeah, all these things.

[1070] And then I just, it was kind of ironic that I was on a co -ed meeting thinking of the power of your story and then just thinking of the power of my story and just feeling once again like, how diligent I have to be to always really try to poke some holes in my story.

[1071] Yeah, all of us.

[1072] It's really hard.

[1073] It's really hard.

[1074] Because your story makes you feel safe.

[1075] It's the way you've decided the world makes sense to you.

[1076] Yeah.

[1077] If you don't have one, then what do you have?

[1078] Right.

[1079] Who are you?

[1080] Who are you?

[1081] What is it mean?

[1082] Where are you come from?

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] Yeah.

[1085] Yeah.

[1086] So it's like you need one, and yet you've got to really police yourself.

[1087] Yeah, you just can't have it be so rigid.

[1088] We all do that.

[1089] It's important for everyone, whether you're an addict or not, to be constantly reminding yourself that you might be wrong about what you think about yourself.

[1090] Well, and that's kind of what my share was, is like, it's so obvious in alcoholics.

[1091] We call it denial.

[1092] But it don't stop at alcoholism.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] You know, it's in every facet of everything we do.

[1095] And I need to remember that as well because it's not just alcoholics.

[1096] Is it all isn't that I need to...

[1097] It all bleeds in, too, you know, it's all.

[1098] Yeah.

[1099] So my friend from home whose husband was murdered.

[1100] Yeah.

[1101] She...

[1102] I was going to see her when I was home.

[1103] I didn't get a chance to.

[1104] But because I was, I was like looking her up on Facebook and like seeing what she had been posting and stuff recently.

[1105] And I saw she's starting a scholarship program in his name.

[1106] He was a golf pro and like loved.

[1107] helping kids and, and she's starting a scholarship program for kids who can't afford golf.

[1108] Golf.

[1109] I was just so impressed by turning it into something productive.

[1110] Like, she has every right to just wallow and have self -pity and feel like, why me, you know.

[1111] And I'm sure she comes in and out of those feelings.

[1112] She has two children.

[1113] I'm sure she comes in and out of those feelings.

[1114] But to be strong enough to, like, turn it into something positive, I was so blown away.

[1115] It's really funny you tell that story.

[1116] And this is far less meaningful.

[1117] But I had a very similar thought.

[1118] I participated in this thing that General Mills puts on, like, a speaker series.

[1119] And so I read a bunch about General Mills, which is like a super fascinating company.

[1120] I came to find out it's like 150 years old.

[1121] And, you know, they started as a flower company.

[1122] And at some point, they had high altitude fucking weather balloons in World War II.

[1123] They're very fascinating, but the kind of cornerstone of the business is in Minnesota on the river, and they had this huge, they had two mills, mill A and B, and it was like their whole investment.

[1124] They broke the bank to build this facility, and it was going well, and then it burnt down.

[1125] And when they rebuilt it, they switched from stone grinding flour to steel roller flour grinding, which changed everything.

[1126] It made their product like way better.

[1127] It was more efficient, and it did everything.

[1128] Yeah.

[1129] Yeah, sometimes after the very worst thing, if you can find the will to keep walking forward, you just don't know, man. Yeah.

[1130] Much less important version of that.

[1131] But I was just thinking, like, some people can decide to embrace tragedy and take it for everything that's worth.

[1132] And, yeah, and just do the best they can with it.

[1133] And then it can kill other people or it can drown you.

[1134] Yeah.

[1135] Anyway, there's only one fact for Max.

[1136] Oh, okay.

[1137] Which was exciting because I got to text Wendy, Wendy Mogul.

[1138] I got to text her because it was a kid quest, gee.

[1139] It was at what age do kids start comparing themselves to other kids?

[1140] Yes.

[1141] And Wendy said, age five.

[1142] She said, by age five, children have the cognitive maturity to make social comparisons, take another child's perspective, and therefore imagine how they are perceived by others.

[1143] Parents get scared of the dreaded low self -esteem, hence participation trophies.

[1144] But you're so smart, strong, pretty.

[1145] And yet social comparison is not entirely negative.

[1146] It can be inspirational, aspirational.

[1147] I mean, again, to circle back, nothing is good or bad.

[1148] It's like there is a zone where it's like optimal.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] So as I think Brett Weinstein would point out, evaluating your neighbor's farming strategy and noticing that they're yielding four times as much.

[1151] much as you, that's a time for you to think, what the fuck am I not doing?

[1152] Like, it is an evolutionary aspect to be comparing yourself to other people.

[1153] And then, yeah, how do you cap that?

[1154] How do you keep that in the level?

[1155] That's just to make sure you're, you're better in yourself.

[1156] Yes.

[1157] Yeah, I agree.

[1158] Yeah.

[1159] It's a hard balance.

[1160] Life's hard.

[1161] Well, you're doing a great job.

[1162] No, I'm doing an okay job.

[1163] You're a really good job.

[1164] I mean, that story you told, did I tell you I got feedback about that story?

[1165] What story?

[1166] The fucking, uh, the cake?

[1167] The cake.

[1168] Oh, yeah.

[1169] My friend who I communicated on Instagram with you know about that I talk to the woman who lives in D .C. Who I love?

[1170] Yes.

[1171] She loved the Stacey Abrams, of course.

[1172] Of course.

[1173] Who didn't?

[1174] But she loved your case story.

[1175] And I was like, I know it.

[1176] Something so benignly magical.

[1177] You know what you are?

[1178] You're like my Delta 88 that I bought.

[1179] It's like it's shockingly boring.

[1180] I mean, it's like strikingly boring in the car.

[1181] That's bad.

[1182] No, listen, that story you told is a, there's nothing to that story.

[1183] You wanted a cake, who cares?

[1184] That's a big deal.

[1185] That's the least big deal on Planned Earth.

[1186] And yet, the way you tell it, I really thought it was life or death.

[1187] That's what your magic is.

[1188] That's what I'm trying to tell you.

[1189] I don't want to be boring.

[1190] My car I just bought is like, it's so, it almost looks invisible.

[1191] Like if a kid drew a picture of a car, that's what this thing would be.

[1192] But in that simplicity and blandness, to me, it is the most majestic car.

[1193] are ever.

[1194] Wow.

[1195] I feel like it's a neg, but I'm going to take it as a positive.

[1196] It's not a name.

[1197] I know, I know, I know.

[1198] The ability to tell a story about wanting cake and not getting cake and that I care.

[1199] Well, you know what?

[1200] I don't give a fuck if someone gets their cake or not.

[1201] Cake is not something someone needs.

[1202] But I care with my life that you get that strawberry cake and that it's as wet as you were expecting it to be.

[1203] It was wet.

[1204] But I think maybe people like that there was a moral, There was a moral to it.

[1205] It was a fable, really.

[1206] Maybe that's what it is.

[1207] You tell fables.

[1208] I do.

[1209] And they're, they're pretty, I mean, again, I don't want to trigger you, but they're often the fables are about the service industry.

[1210] I know.

[1211] I was about to tell a story about my dry cleaning, but I guess I won't.

[1212] That's one of the best stories I heard in 2021.

[1213] Or is there a new development?

[1214] No, there's not.

[1215] Okay.

[1216] But, yeah, the original story, I was captivated.

[1217] Yeah, sure.

[1218] How many garments were ruined?

[1219] Eight?

[1220] Yeah, so, okay.

[1221] So I was planning on going home, and I've gotten horrible at managing my life, I guess.

[1222] Sure.

[1223] That's just, I just have.

[1224] A section of your life.

[1225] Yeah, like, Aaron, like, you know, the minutia.

[1226] I've gotten really bad at handling all that stuff.

[1227] I push it and push it and push it.

[1228] And so I realized, oh, my God, I'm going out of town for Christmas.

[1229] all of my dry cleaning is here.

[1230] And a lot of my clothes are dry clean only, which is very annoying.

[1231] And that's my fault.

[1232] I pick clothes like that.

[1233] Yeah.

[1234] Well, you have great style.

[1235] And your cardigan today looks beautiful.

[1236] And I'm sure it needs to be dry cleaning.

[1237] It's 100 % dry clean.

[1238] Yeah, it's only.

[1239] Everything in this outfit is dry clean only.

[1240] Even the shoelaces.

[1241] Yep.

[1242] And I found a place that was set like a one day or 48 -hour turnaround for dry cleaning.

[1243] Like an emergency dry cleaning situation.

[1244] I set that up, they came, they picked it up.

[1245] Wow.

[1246] This was so exciting.

[1247] I felt so proud of myself.

[1248] I'm like, oh, my God, I found this place.

[1249] This is great.

[1250] And then I saw the next day, it said it was going to be delivered two weeks later.

[1251] I was like, uh -oh, nope, I'll be gone.

[1252] Well, you probably did some fast math, and you thought there's way more than 48 hours in two weeks.

[1253] Yeah, I did.

[1254] I had to stop and I count the hours.

[1255] Okay, okay, something's a little worse.

[1256] Maybe they dropped the zero?

[1257] Maybe the promise is 480 hours?

[1258] Sidebar.

[1259] I did some fast math yesterday.

[1260] It made well with Laura.

[1261] She was looking at a sweater and it was 40 % off.

[1262] And I gave her a quick, a very quick response to what the price was.

[1263] Nice.

[1264] Doesn't it feel good?

[1265] It feels really good.

[1266] That's why I do it, Monica.

[1267] I understand.

[1268] Yeah, yeah, I do.

[1269] Okay, back to the dry cleaning.

[1270] So then I called and I said, hey, I said two -day dry clean only because I'm leaving.

[1271] And I was like, I understand if you guys can't do it, but just please bring the clothes back.

[1272] You can bring them back dirty, no problem.

[1273] No, no, no. They're actually already clean, so we'll bring them tomorrow's like, great.

[1274] Yeah, and, you know, me, I think everyone's trying to fuck me. I would have been like, those two things can't happen.

[1275] You can't send me an email, see, it'll be there in two weeks and tell me it's already done.

[1276] Something stinks.

[1277] It was being an optimist, what can I say.

[1278] Your story.

[1279] Yeah, my story isn't, I'm an optimist.

[1280] And so then they came the next day, great.

[1281] I didn't have time to look or anything.

[1282] And then I was packing, I opened up the bag, and I was like, huh, this sweater is a kid's size now.

[1283] It's for a four -year -old.

[1284] This sweater is for a four -year -old.

[1285] This sweater, it was like, I think, four or five sweaters.

[1286] I mean.

[1287] And let's just, I think.

[1288] They had a stink.

[1289] Jesus Christ.

[1290] They weren't even fucking clean.

[1291] No, they were cleaned.

[1292] They had a stink.

[1293] Like a chemical stink.

[1294] They had a detergent.

[1295] Detergent.

[1296] It was a very specific detergent.

[1297] They had been washed.

[1298] Is it that fucking smell?

[1299] I hate you.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] It's a stinky stinky detergent.

[1302] Yeah, that very specific one, though, that I don't like.

[1303] Downy.

[1304] I'm not supposed to say it.

[1305] No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not that I love downy.

[1306] I don't like that thing that's it.

[1307] You know what the thing I don't like.

[1308] Yeah.

[1309] But I think it's safe to say just so that we can like set a level for it.

[1310] Like, my car thing is your clothes thing.

[1311] Uh -huh.

[1312] Yeah.

[1313] Like, that's your big expenditure.

[1314] You love clothes, and if you're going to spoil yourself, it's clothes.

[1315] So I think we can all assume that there was probably a bit of money that had gone down the toilet.

[1316] Yes.

[1317] Yes.

[1318] There was some financial damage for sure.

[1319] And one of the sweaters, I was like, maybe I could wear it as a crop.

[1320] Like, you know, yeah, I'm like trying to figure out how to salvage some of this.

[1321] Anyway, I just had to leave.

[1322] I didn't really have time to process the trauma.

[1323] Yeah, sure.

[1324] I never called.

[1325] Then that's become a whole thing where a lot of people have encouraged me. You've got to call.

[1326] You've got to call.

[1327] Hold them accountable.

[1328] Yeah, but I'm like, well, they're not going to bring my sweaters back to life.

[1329] That's right.

[1330] They can't repay me. So what am I going to do?

[1331] I'm just not going to go there anymore.

[1332] They keep sending me texts.

[1333] It's like taunting.

[1334] Wait.

[1335] Why the fuck are they texting you?

[1336] The laundromat's like, here's a special, you know.

[1337] I'm glad you're calling it a laundromat because that's what they did.

[1338] They took it to the fucking lavendaria and they dumped a bunch of that stinky fucking shit It smelled bad.

[1339] Yeah, of course it did.

[1340] And then they ruined everything the own, and it cost them 75 cents and that a big, big, fucking industrial washing machine.

[1341] Yep, that's right.

[1342] And they ruined thousands of dollars worth it.

[1343] No one's going to feel bad for me. Of course that, but they might as well have put a fucking Rolex in that goddamn dryer and put it on for three hours.

[1344] And then I thought one of my pants was missing.

[1345] I also then, like, you know, I kind of went off the deep end and I was like, and they also lost some of my pants.

[1346] But then I found those.

[1347] Once that little mouse gets fucking fire in her eyes.

[1348] Yeah.

[1349] The little boss, the little boss, baby.

[1350] Who drives around in her own town car?

[1351] Yeah.

[1352] Still want to make that into it.

[1353] If there's any publishers out there, here's our pitch.

[1354] Yeah.

[1355] We're not coming to your office.

[1356] No, this is it.

[1357] This is the fucking pitch.

[1358] I want to do a children's book with Monica about Monica as a little girl boss who has her own car service so that she can run the show.

[1359] Okay?

[1360] That's the pitch, guys.

[1361] Take it or leave it.

[1362] Take it or leave it, and you come at us with names because we don't have a title.

[1363] That's what it's about.

[1364] And we're done.

[1365] We're not going to write it.

[1366] And we need a ghost writer.

[1367] And an illustrator.

[1368] And that's your pitch.

[1369] God, would I love to read my girls that book?

[1370] Maximum Mouse.

[1371] Fuck, that's the title.

[1372] Oh, shit.

[1373] Maximum Mouse.

[1374] Pretty good.

[1375] Damn.

[1376] Anywho.

[1377] So anyways, that story, you all just heard the four and a half minute version of the closed story.

[1378] And there is a 26 -minute version of it that I heard at the dinner table.

[1379] I'll never forget where I was.

[1380] sitting sitting at the dinner table hearing the story and I was on god damn pins and needles and that's when I realized like the story ended and I felt like I had just read the Iliad I was like what a what a saga and that's when it hit me there's really no substance to that story it's all you you're the substance of that story no dax there's a moral and the moral is sometimes they can't bring your sweaters back to life you know it's a punitive story it's like should I have spent more time out of my life.

[1381] No, no, no. I shouldn't have.

[1382] I made the right decision.

[1383] You did the exact right thing.

[1384] But they are texting me on and I do feel like maybe they're going to push me over the edge and I am going to have to call.

[1385] Yeah.

[1386] I mean, I have the exact same thing and I behaved the exact same way as you, which is my car was stolen for like 20 hours the other day.

[1387] I don't know if we even told that story.

[1388] We didn't.

[1389] One second version of it is just simply, I'm in the sand dunes with Aaron for his two -year anniversary.

[1390] You get a call from Kristen.

[1391] I think your car was stolen.

[1392] What do you mean?

[1393] It's not at the house.

[1394] Did you drive it somewhere?

[1395] No, I didn't.

[1396] I opened up this app.

[1397] God bless fucking, oh, this could be a shout out for Chrysler.

[1398] They got an app, you connect, that you can start your car worth and shit on your phone.

[1399] So I fucking open it up in the desert, by God.

[1400] And I was like, I wonder if I can track where the car is.

[1401] Hit the button.

[1402] I get an address in one second, Lancaster, which was wild.

[1403] Yes, that is crazy.

[1404] And then Kristen took the whole thing over.

[1405] And within, you know, hours, she's already gotten the car from Lancaster and its home.

[1406] And while we were in the dunes, I was thinking like, you know, I fucking love that car.

[1407] The hell cat.

[1408] I'm just obsessed with it.

[1409] Yeah.

[1410] I love it.

[1411] And they don't make it no more.

[1412] So I'm thinking like, fuck, the car is stolen, and I can't get another one.

[1413] And I'd have to buy a used one and all this shit.

[1414] And then it just crossed my mind that when I drive that car, the reason I like that car is I drive it at 100 % of its capability everywhere I go.

[1415] It's going as fast as it can fucking go everywhere it goes.

[1416] And then it occurred to me, there's no way that the thief drove it the way I do.

[1417] That car's a handful.

[1418] Rear -wheel drive 707 horsepower, okay?

[1419] Oh, my God.

[1420] If you're driving 100%, you better know what the, fuck you're doing.

[1421] There's no way this criminal did.

[1422] So then it crossed my mind, you know what?

[1423] That's probably the nicest little ride my Hellcat's ever had out to Lancaster.

[1424] He probably drove it at 50%.

[1425] Wow.

[1426] And then I reframe the whole thing.

[1427] Ding, ding, ding, silver lining.

[1428] Silver lining playbook.

[1429] And then when Kristen picked up the car, they asked her, do you want us to dust for fingerprints?

[1430] Oh.

[1431] And she said no?

[1432] Yep.

[1433] And I'm going to tell you why.

[1434] Okay.

[1435] You already know why.

[1436] Well, because of the, sometimes you can't buy your sweaters back.

[1437] Well, yep, I need go no further.

[1438] You figured out the moral of my story.

[1439] No, my house was robbed when I was doing baby mom.

[1440] I was in New York a decade ago.

[1441] Maybe a part of those glam ring robberies, right?

[1442] They came to the house and they fingerprinted and they did the whole thing.

[1443] And then six years later, they catch the glam ring thing.

[1444] And then it occurs to me, oh, wow, that was all at the same time, neighborhood.

[1445] So I call back this thing.

[1446] And I go, hey, I just want to say, I'm pretty sure I might be a part of that.

[1447] And the guy said, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[1448] Let me look into it.

[1449] Call me back.

[1450] Six years later.

[1451] And he goes, just got out the phone with the fingerprint department.

[1452] And they're going to run the prints, see if it's a match.

[1453] And I go, okay, so they never ran the prince?

[1454] And he goes, no, no, the backlog on running prints in L .A., if it's not for a homicide, It's like fucking 10 years or something.

[1455] We live in a city of fucking 10 million people.

[1456] We don't have the resources to launch an investigation of who's...

[1457] It's insane.

[1458] It's not going to happen.

[1459] Okay.

[1460] The fucking prints aren't even going to get run.

[1461] It's one more thing in someone else's system and nothing's going to happen from it.

[1462] Yeah.

[1463] And they keep it moving.

[1464] Yeah, I get that.

[1465] That makes sense.

[1466] That's logical.

[1467] That is similar to the sweaters.

[1468] I'm going to make other people work and nothing's going to happen.

[1469] This guy is fucking has his own struggles, clearly.

[1470] stole my car.

[1471] He's probably not.

[1472] I know.

[1473] I did feel bad for him.

[1474] Of course you did.

[1475] Like when Kristen broke my penis, that poor girl.

[1476] I do.

[1477] I feel sad.

[1478] But, okay, speaking of her, it's kind of worth saying.

[1479] There's a picture of her with Lancaster police that people don't like, and it's because of this.

[1480] Oh, I fucking hate that.

[1481] What is morally fucking repugnant is that there are police officers who see black people and assume the second they see.

[1482] them that they're the worst black person they ever met and dealt with in their life.

[1483] That is a fucking moral failing.

[1484] Failing.

[1485] Yeah.

[1486] Conversely, to look at a cop and to think that that is the worst fucking cop you've ever dealt with is fucking bullshit.

[1487] 100%.

[1488] It was specific to that they've had some issues.

[1489] Oh.

[1490] Again, I don't know about that and that's likely true.

[1491] I mean, obviously, it's a systemic epidemic issue in police departments, most certainly.

[1492] Yeah.

[1493] But the person that she met in real life, who was helping her and you yeah and then there was just viral video where a fucking a plane landed on top of the train tracks have you seen this one guy and the person inside the plane's knocked out and these fucking six cops are pulling a human out of the fucking plane and literally they get them out in one second later the train hits the fucking airplane and destroys it and these are six or seven guys who have fucking children yeah who just did that to pull someone out of of a plane.

[1494] So that's also the truth about cops.

[1495] Yeah, I'm not trying to get into a cop conversation.

[1496] But I wanted to just a little bit.

[1497] Like that's also you know, everyone just needs to know every individual deserves the benefit of the doubt.

[1498] Yes, I agree.

[1499] And there's systemic racism in police departments that needs to be confronted.

[1500] Yeah, I agree.

[1501] But also, I'm just saying, because people don't understand the context and the context is your car was stolen and that's why she was around those cops and that's why she took the picture.

[1502] I see that circling and I'm like, I don't even knows what's going on.

[1503] So that is what happened.

[1504] And that's that.

[1505] But anyway, 400th episode, happy birthday.

[1506] I got really hot just now, didn't I?

[1507] I think it's because it's Kristen.

[1508] Yeah.

[1509] You know, if it was me, if I had done it and then people were pissed, I probably would have a different feeling about it.

[1510] But it's like, you know, just how fucking dare you have not been in any of the, no, nothing about a situation to decide whether or not Kristen was ethical or not.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] Um, happy birthday.

[1513] Happy birthday, Rob.

[1514] Thanks, thanks.

[1515] Great job, Rob.

[1516] Great job.

[1517] Really incredible job, Rob.

[1518] Getting us to 400.

[1519] Mm -mm -mm -mm.

[1520] Well.

[1521] See you for 401.

[1522] I love you.

[1523] Love you.

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