John Early

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Mike Padman.

[3] Hi.

[4] Hi.

[5] So good to have you here, Michael.

[6] Do you like me more that I'm, now that I'm Mike?

[7] It's kind of sexy that you're a guy, I guess.

[8] I knew it.

[9] Today we have one of our favorites.

[10] We're not friends with him.

[11] I mean, we've hopefully created a friendship with him.

[12] But an actor we've been watching for now, I guess, four years ago we started seeing him on after party.

[13] Search party.

[14] party search party all the parties all the well he is in all the parties john early he is so consistently brilliant every single thing i'm sure you've seen him and absolutely adored him like we have he of course was in the search party just search party the after party he's brilliant 30 rock fort tilden and the little known netflix presents the characters which is really great now he has a brand new show out called Would it kill you to laugh on Peacock?

[15] That's a hysterical, one -of -a -kind sketch show that you should definitely check it out.

[16] He does it with his longtime partner, Kate Burlant, and it's fantastic.

[17] And he comes in, we should warn.

[18] He comes in with a back injury.

[19] Fresh off of a back surgery.

[20] Yes.

[21] And he sat in a weird chair and a weird spot in the room.

[22] And it was kind of nice.

[23] It shook things up.

[24] Yeah.

[25] It was very memorable.

[26] Yes.

[27] Please enjoy John Early.

[28] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[29] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[30] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[31] You want a copy or anything?

[32] You have a water.

[33] I have my little Yorbahtay.

[34] Oh, hey, great.

[35] Do you live here?

[36] Yeah.

[37] Oh, wonderful.

[38] Yeah.

[39] But he had a hard ride over.

[40] A nausea -inducing ride.

[41] Nothing to do with being on my phone the whole time.

[42] Of course not.

[43] I've put it up.

[44] So I had the surgery in November.

[45] and then I got better even though I had this pretty bad nerve damage I still have it basically in my foot and leg and stuff and then I shot this special with Kate Brilliant, my comedy partner and then I was like my first thing that I did kind of post surgery and it was too much and then I immediately I was like putting on pants immediately felt it happen I couldn't walk I couldn't it was hell and it was so severe the herniation this time that I had to have surgery again that was in May So that was the surgery to fix what herniated disc in between what L. L5S1.

[46] Oh, girl.

[47] Do you know it?

[48] Sexy is too.

[49] No, I don't know it.

[50] It is the sexiest because it is like right above the sacrum.

[51] But it's also the one that's most commonly herniated because it takes all the weight.

[52] It's the lowest one.

[53] Well, in truth, I did have issues there.

[54] I had to go to physical therapy.

[55] Learned a really great stretch that kind of changed my life.

[56] Which one?

[57] where you lay on your back, you pull your knees into your chest, and then you cross your legs and put your arms through.

[58] Yes.

[59] Do you ever do that?

[60] Yeah.

[61] When I first started PT, because you got to hold it for a really long time, there would be a moment when I had my right leg cross where 15 seconds and it was agonizing.

[62] And I would feel the tendon actually slip into the right spot.

[63] Oh, it was like a pop and I lived for it.

[64] It's amazing.

[65] It's so amazing because it's so gnarled, like currently and for a long time now.

[66] What are your thoughts about this is a rough way to start?

[67] But did you ever listen to Stern?

[68] You know, I have a deep respect, but I haven't.

[69] I just have, like, a best friend who is obsessed with Howard Stern named her dog, Howard.

[70] Oh, wow.

[71] So I've seen clips over the years.

[72] Okay, well, he had back issues.

[73] He's very tall, as we know.

[74] He's, like, 6 ,6, or something.

[75] He read some book by some doctor.

[76] Oh, I know healing the pain.

[77] It's all in your mind.

[78] Right, so let me ask you about that.

[79] No, I've heard that can really mess with people.

[80] You know, it kind of sounds like.

[81] It's all your fault.

[82] Victim shaming.

[83] Yeah, yeah.

[84] It is because then they don't get surgery or go to the doctor, and it can then just continue and continue.

[85] I think there's absolutely truth in it, meaning I know that I'm an accommodator, you know, like I'm a southern bell.

[86] Yeah, I'm a southern bell.

[87] Who was that, John?

[88] I mean, the door opened.

[89] Han, is that you?

[90] My wife wants to meet you.

[91] Hi.

[92] I'm not ready for this.

[93] I wasn't prepared for that.

[94] I wasn't told.

[95] Do you want to change clothes?

[96] He just had back surgery.

[97] I'm not sitting up.

[98] I'm sorry.

[99] I'm sorry.

[100] I'm sorry.

[101] I'm just going to be so It's so nice to meet you.

[102] It's so nice to meet you too.

[103] How are you?

[104] Shut up.

[105] Look at the difference, Monica, between him meeting us and Bell.

[106] No, no, no, no, no, no. Look at his face.

[107] Well, I would say look at the difference in how she met me. Well, that's true, but your face just grow.

[108] I mean, I'm sorry.

[109] Yeah, I get it.

[110] I'm sorry.

[111] We watched, would it kill you to laugh together last night?

[112] What?

[113] They said to you?

[114] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[115] Oh, my God, amazing.

[116] I'm so freaking funny.

[117] Thank you.

[118] Love you.

[119] Have fun.

[120] Love you.

[121] Okay, where were we?

[122] You're fucked up back, whether or not it's psychosomatic.

[123] I do think that it is obviously a place where people hold tension.

[124] When you have lots of anxiety, you feel it in your back.

[125] I definitely believe in the mind -body connection, but I think that's, like, rooted in science.

[126] When you see an MRI and a disc is, like, bulging all over the place, you're also acknowledging maybe my mind didn't collapse that disc.

[127] Yes, yes, it's probably a lot of factors.

[128] In my case, it's a little bit skeletal, but it's a lot of bit postural.

[129] Oh, postural.

[130] Postural is a result.

[131] of certain kind of habits of like accommodation and be like hey you know and tightness yeah and being like I'm fine you know and like and I'm doing this thing called Alexander technique oh oh you both know what's wasted on me as a 20 year old in college when I was doing acting school it didn't mean anything to me because I was a rubber band and it was boring it like puts you right to sleep because they're like literally on the floor but I started doing it for this you scan your spine and you just focus on, like, releasing the muscle.

[132] It's not just imagination.

[133] It's, like, partly imagination, but you are genuinely releasing the muscles.

[134] And when I do that, I'm now like, oh, I had no idea how much I was holding on muscle -wise.

[135] The other thing I'll say about back problem, I want to change this.

[136] Are you open to that?

[137] Sure.

[138] Whatever you like.

[139] Because, honey, you better be careful with that thing.

[140] The softness.

[141] I'm serious, firm.

[142] I'm worried about you looking back and forth.

[143] Oh, my treasure trove of discarded mints.

[144] The big reveal.

[145] Yeah.

[146] Yeah, we just opened up the closet virtually for you.

[147] The skeletons fell out.

[148] Okay.

[149] Where did you go to acting school?

[150] I went to University of Georgia and I studied theater there.

[151] So, you know, we did all this stuff.

[152] Can I call it actor school?

[153] That's a bit of a stretch.

[154] Did you do any place there?

[155] You know, I didn't thrive in the theater.

[156] I'll be honest.

[157] It was a smaller presence.

[158] She's miniature.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Powerful in miniature.

[161] Yeah.

[162] So I was in Midsummer Night's Dream.

[163] I played Mustard Seed the Fairy.

[164] Oh, my God.

[165] Yeah, of course.

[166] You know what that means right away.

[167] Oh, what is the muster feed seed fairy do?

[168] She's just what's around.

[169] She wears a cool costume.

[170] Is she a tempteress?

[171] No. Oh, that's unfortunate.

[172] No one knew about my naughty side then.

[173] Yeah, that was...

[174] We've profited greatly from it.

[175] That's right.

[176] Monica's among the more interesting sexual fantasies you've ever heard in your life.

[177] Oh.

[178] I promise you.

[179] I don't say that lightly.

[180] It's true.

[181] Although maybe you could top it.

[182] I don't know, we could test it.

[183] I'm so vanilla.

[184] And that pervaded your early life?

[185] Okay.

[186] This happened when I was a kid, so I didn't even know that it was sexual yet.

[187] But I would have fantasies about the boys in my preschool.

[188] Oh, my God.

[189] Oh, not preschool.

[190] Daycare.

[191] Yeah.

[192] Okay.

[193] That's not better.

[194] Yeah.

[195] Well, I was probably older.

[196] I wasn't like two.

[197] But you were not going to daycare at 10 years old.

[198] No, yeah.

[199] Right.

[200] Yeah.

[201] By the way, that's Monica behind you.

[202] That's a real.

[203] We did that.

[204] We did a tour.

[205] I love to grab.

[206] Yes, thank you.

[207] So it was just a mere couple years older than that.

[208] Yeah, yeah.

[209] And I would have fantasies of the boys getting sick.

[210] And you having to take care of them?

[211] Yes.

[212] That is unbelievable.

[213] And I got very tingly over it.

[214] PQs.

[215] We call them PQs here, Pee -Qivers.

[216] And particularly when they would throw up.

[217] But you still did this day have dreams where certain.

[218] People will be sick and I will be nurturing them.

[219] And it's.

[220] And it turns sexual.

[221] I mean, have you seen Phantom Thread?

[222] No. Oh, you've got to see it.

[223] What's that?

[224] The Paul Tom Sanderson movie.

[225] Oh, this is what Daniel Dan, a weird island, and he checks into a hotel.

[226] Yes.

[227] There's an island part.

[228] Okay.

[229] And there's a hotel.

[230] Yeah.

[231] There's like a romance and there's like very much a kind of caretaking fetish aspect.

[232] I mean, that is like essentially the main thrust of the plot.

[233] Oh.

[234] I think that's very normal.

[235] Oh.

[236] Thank you.

[237] Most people don't tend to agree.

[238] Well, I just think it.

[239] It makes sense on a basic emotional level.

[240] There's something really clear about the status.

[241] They need me. Yeah.

[242] Also, it's like Munchausenzy, I guess.

[243] Oh, yeah, totally.

[244] Yeah.

[245] But it would be for them.

[246] Munchausen is by proxy.

[247] Well, but for them.

[248] No, my proxy is you make them sick.

[249] Oh, you're saying you might proxy one of these lovers.

[250] Yes, for sure.

[251] You should try it.

[252] Keep it open.

[253] You're from Nashville?

[254] Yep.

[255] Okay, we just bought property there.

[256] Why?

[257] I want to live on a lady.

[258] Percy Priest lick?

[259] Oh, Hickory.

[260] Oh, my God.

[261] I used to live off of a. old Hickory Road.

[262] Really?

[263] For a few years, yeah.

[264] I lived off Hickory Ridge Road in Michigan.

[265] Really?

[266] Yeah.

[267] Ding, ding, dang.

[268] Okay, so where in Nashville did you grow up?

[269] Belmont area, West End.

[270] Our best friends live in Belmont.

[271] Belmont Meade?

[272] I don't know.

[273] I wasn't really paying attention.

[274] I don't have much of like our romantic.

[275] I was just kind of in my house.

[276] But I had a good little tribe there in Nashville.

[277] And also geography.

[278] I'm just fully glued to the GPS.

[279] That's why I like to New York.

[280] You can learn through walking.

[281] That's right.

[282] Muscle Mammar.

[283] right out of the gates.

[284] You learn the city, and I think, in a much more immediate way.

[285] In Nashville and here, I never know where I'm going.

[286] Okay.

[287] I have no idea where I am.

[288] And both parents are or were ministers?

[289] Were.

[290] I mean, they are in that they're still ordained.

[291] You don't really lose it.

[292] You maybe could get it revoked, but it's never revoked for them.

[293] And they occasionally still do weddings, funerals.

[294] They're probably pissed that now everyone can do that.

[295] I just married someone like six weeks ago.

[296] And you just signed up online, right?

[297] said on Kimmel last week, as it loaded, I was a minister.

[298] Like, it just took the time for the website to load, and that was it.

[299] No, it shouldn't even be.

[300] It's not really fair.

[301] Yeah, why do we even need?

[302] Yeah.

[303] Yeah.

[304] When it's that ridiculous that you got to pay.

[305] Yeah.

[306] I didn't even pay.

[307] Oh, my goodness.

[308] I literally just entered my email.

[309] If I paid, I would have gotten the certificate in the mail.

[310] I have a beautiful certificate.

[311] I literally did.

[312] I should have at least done that.

[313] It wasn't expensive.

[314] How much?

[315] 14 bucks or something.

[316] And you could get different packages.

[317] I elected for the cheapest.

[318] one, but you could get all kinds of credentials and accoutrement and ceremonial items.

[319] Yes.

[320] But I just got the straight up document you would hang on your wall.

[321] Totally.

[322] Have you ever talked to your parents about the ease at which one can become a minister?

[323] And if it is, you piss them off.

[324] You have?

[325] They didn't piss them off.

[326] I think they were delighted.

[327] They were especially delighted because when I did it, I was, I really procrastinated.

[328] And I think that was one of the most horrific parts about being a minister for them was like the weekly sermon and just the panic my dad was telling me a story the other day about finishing a sermon as he's going up to the pulpit basically and then like in the panic he left a sheet of his paper in the office and so he got to it and he realized he like needed to go get the sheet of paper so he turned to the choir to go sing something oh really that was the solution and they both were at two different churches rival churches you wish oh my Romeo and Julian.

[329] Their kink was that they wanted to compete and get home.

[330] No, my mom was at Disciples of Christ Church, which couldn't tell you what it means.

[331] My dad, Presbyterian.

[332] How'd they meet?

[333] They met at Divinity School at Vanderbilt.

[334] Oh, no kidding.

[335] In Nashville.

[336] Wait, Vanderbilt's, oh, duh, yeah, it's right downtown.

[337] I associate that name with the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina.

[338] Have you ever been?

[339] We used to go to Black Mountain, North Carolina, to a little Presbyterian town where, like, all these ministers and stuff go and they you like rent a house for a week and we would often do little built more tours it's insane is the big a grove park in no but i know about the rocking chairs yeah yeah it's very beautiful beautiful if you stay there yet or your design it's one of your spots i just walked through oh for a wedding no i wish when i was in town we just walked through and drank hot chocolate but i couldn't stay that's a life wish list that's a little bucket list it seems beautiful very achievable i think for you you could make this life wish happen like next week okay well we'll see okay okay They were both busy in the church.

[340] When did they stop?

[341] They kind of stopped when I was pretty young.

[342] My dad started working at Vanderbilt.

[343] My mom started also working in Vanderbilt.

[344] My mom was working in admissions for the divinity school.

[345] And my dad started working at just the university fundraising.

[346] Okay.

[347] They had two kids.

[348] I think they wanted to have something maybe a little more secure her.

[349] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[350] Like, I don't want to psychoanalyze.

[351] I don't want to be in an armchair psychoenhouse.

[352] Okay, well, both their dads were ministers.

[353] So I think maybe it was time to put a time.

[354] to rest.

[355] I don't know.

[356] Yeah.

[357] Yeah.

[358] There's such a difference between studying theology at Divinity School, the purity of that versus then the politics of working in a church.

[359] You know, I think they both are like, this sucks.

[360] It seems like a lot of bureaucracy and a lot of like, you're an unlicensed therapist, grief counselor, marriage counselor.

[361] You're dealing with like a lot of crazy shit.

[362] And in the South, too.

[363] My mom came up against a lot of real conservative, southern, older couples in the church who were really freaked out that she was the minister and you know that sucked for her obviously yeah so you have a brother or sister i have a sister older or younger older how many years older six years how did they explain that you know what i never asked but i will they left the church and they were excited they were so hot yeah they're so horny yeah they had saturday nights free because they weren't working on their sermon stuff they had a lot of free time Exactly.

[364] Horse around.

[365] What's your sister like?

[366] My sister is a true keeper of the family, keeper of tradition.

[367] She is really southern in the best way.

[368] She lives in Nashville, has two kids, two girls, my nieces.

[369] I didn't Easter this year in Nashville in Belmead.

[370] Oh, yeah, Belmead.

[371] Yes.

[372] Okay, see, you know.

[373] Belmead Country Club.

[374] Yep.

[375] And I loved it.

[376] Is there a Nashville connection with Kristen?

[377] None.

[378] We're both from Detroit.

[379] But why?

[380] Oh, because she used to host a scene.

[381] MTs all the time.

[382] I'm actually, this is huge.

[383] We're going to text her.

[384] Let's find this connective tissue.

[385] I know someone who I think went to Vanderbilt Divinity School who was maybe her roommate.

[386] I remember my mom telling me this.

[387] I'm having like a flashback.

[388] Wait, do you know the name?

[389] Couldn't tell you.

[390] Okay.

[391] Well, that's going to make a heart.

[392] But if Kristen has any sort of old college roommates who dedicated herself to the Lord Light.

[393] That would have to be like an acting roommate.

[394] The only roommate she's ever had in her life were actors.

[395] She went straight to NYU.

[396] I'm making it up.

[397] I swear it's her.

[398] I don't know what the connection really is.

[399] Also, the people say things.

[400] This happened recently.

[401] My best friend since I've been 11, bumped into a dude.

[402] And I don't know how it came up.

[403] But this guy said, oh, yeah, I'm from Lford, too.

[404] Yeah.

[405] I was like, oh, no kidding.

[406] So you knew him?

[407] And he went down this whole path with him.

[408] And this guy just...

[409] He made it up completely.

[410] He made the whole thing up.

[411] He was a stranger?

[412] It was a stranger.

[413] He did go to our junior high, but I didn't know who he was or anything.

[414] But I get it.

[415] told many a lie in my life and they grow it started with i went to school with that guy yeah that's true and it was like oh my god yeah i was in class with that guy i was friends with that guy you want to top yourself every time you want to punch up yeah but then he starts to believe it that's like a horror move well you just find yourself somewhere going like yeah i've lived with him for four years in detroit yeah yeah have you seen top gun i'm going to night i'm going literally tonight i'm x oh good it's still showing there yes because it must be seen an yeah that's what i've heard.

[416] I'm going to do Chengdu Taste and then Oh my gosh.

[417] I'm nervous for you because you're not in physical condition to see that movie.

[418] I know, but I figured if it's IMAX it's probably like a little more ergonomic, the chairs.

[419] Yes, you're just saying my excitement.

[420] You're going to cheer, you're going to clap, you're going to scream.

[421] Yeah, maybe I'll take a sedative.

[422] You should take a soma.

[423] I don't know what that is.

[424] That's a muscle relaxer.

[425] Right, right, a flexeril.

[426] Yes, one of the is.

[427] And then maybe cocktail it.

[428] Maybe you pop in a Xanax.

[429] and you may be fire in one percassette.

[430] I love that.

[431] And then get loose.

[432] And then wake up tomorrow and realize you have fucked up that disc all over again because you're feeling loosey -goosey.

[433] You won't remember anything you saw of the movie.

[434] Exactly.

[435] The reason I brought this up, the preview is a horror movie.

[436] Did you see it with the smiling people?

[437] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[438] Oh, it looks so scary.

[439] It's just like a guy in a hospital smiling and he won't talk, but he's like has this crazy smile.

[440] Oh, gosh.

[441] Yeah.

[442] Well, you might call it a maniacal smile.

[443] I would call it that.

[444] Yeah.

[445] That's the whole.

[446] premise too i'm kind of fascinated you've pitched things i'm sure you obviously pitch the thing you're here to promote when you see something you just imagine what the pitch was and for that one was like can you fucking imagine how scary to be it's like they're a ward of people that wouldn't stop smiling i love it million have you seen invasion of the body snatchers i haven't i've never seen the original but the one with donald sutherland is deeply terrifying okay if you body gets snatched you're like, Oh.

[447] It's so scary.

[448] And they point.

[449] They're like, oh.

[450] For the listeners, it's terrifying.

[451] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[452] I'm sorry.

[453] Mouth a gape, mouth of gape, eyes wide.

[454] So scary.

[455] And then the head reclined back.

[456] Again, I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

[457] I'm so nervous.

[458] I need both of y 'all watching me. Because this is the problem is I am like, I'm a ham, like any sort of like social events.

[459] I got to keep it to like one person because it's our like, do something funny.

[460] I can't control myself either.

[461] Yeah.

[462] And do you have these talks with yourself after you leave a party where you're like, oh, my God, you got to shut the fuck up.

[463] It's more like when I'm in bed, I like wake up, like, you did not do that.

[464] The thing that I always wake myself up with is you were just listing synonyms.

[465] Like I think about myself in conversation where I'm like trying to sound smart and I'm like, it was fun, it was mirthful, it was joyful and it was full of fun.

[466] It was fun filled.

[467] What do you want to imbue on people?

[468] want them to walk away going like, he's so much smarter than I knew.

[469] Or he's so funny.

[470] What is your agenda in these social interactions?

[471] I have a few I juggle.

[472] I think I juggle funny and smart.

[473] The smart is where I really eat shit.

[474] That's the nauseating part of my personality.

[475] Yeah.

[476] I am a little bit of a late learner, kind of an autodidact.

[477] Nothing got in in college.

[478] And so there's a need to repeat what I'm learning.

[479] Like, like crystallize it through social interactions.

[480] Well, they say you own a word by giving it away three times.

[481] But yes, I'm the person at the party.

[482] Someone just casually mentions, like, the Panama Canal for whatever reason.

[483] I'm like, oh, did you read The Path Between Two Seas?

[484] What a project.

[485] It went through four governments.

[486] And I leave on.

[487] I'm like, no one wanted to know about the Panama Canal.

[488] I don't know.

[489] Maybe they did.

[490] I need to find you at a party.

[491] In Hollywood, it's a breath of fresh air to talk about the Panama Canal.

[492] Sure, sure.

[493] In the bridge.

[494] All the McCulloughbuck's, you know, the Brooklyn Bridge.

[495] Another great read.

[496] I love that you're reading that.

[497] And do you try to be sexy, too?

[498] No. You don't.

[499] It's never your gear?

[500] It's never my gear.

[501] And I really aspire to learn how to like...

[502] Hold a gaze and smolder.

[503] Exactly.

[504] And I have trouble with this in acting.

[505] I am rarely called upon, by the way, to do scenes where I need to be kind of flirtatious or sexual.

[506] I really have trouble because in my personal life, funniness and sexiness are not integrated for me. Okay, but I do wonder if this is a division.

[507] So for me hitting on girls, being funny was like the ultimate weapon.

[508] Women are very attracted to funny.

[509] In my mind, they're quite married.

[510] They're having a visceral experience all of a sudden.

[511] I'm like, on lying now because I don't know what this person's going to do.

[512] Is that not the same with dudes?

[513] Or dudes like, okay, I have funny friends and I have friends I want to fuck.

[514] Never the twins shall meet.

[515] Well, it's so pervasive for me that my boyfriends that I've had, I don't know how it happened.

[516] It's a total fluke because I spend so much time with women.

[517] I have some gay friends here and there.

[518] I have some straight boyfriends too, of course.

[519] but my boyfriends happened because of mutual friends and it was just like we're doing this right there was no like long kind of seduction period it was just kind of like let's go on a date right let's get this overweight a little more direct which I regret I wish I could let myself sit in the tension let's model it now you want to workshop it no no that I'll really throw my back out really it's dangerous if you put your back into it yeah interesting yeah Monica you could answer the same thing.

[520] Do you think guys in general they're looking for one thing?

[521] They've separated in their mind?

[522] A hundred percent.

[523] I think they are separated into okay, this is so generic.

[524] I'm painting with such...

[525] Very stereotypical.

[526] We must.

[527] We're so sorry.

[528] How can you talk about anything without using a broad brush?

[529] Seriously, you have to.

[530] Although we are talking about the only group we're totally allowed to paint with a broad brush, which is dudes.

[531] I do think there's ideas of what is ideal in a wife and what is ideal in a sexual partner funny and personality go into the wife category for straight men straight white gay men we're only speaking of straight white gay men yeah and then physicality is in the sex category and it does not cross over with women the personality in the sex often again broad brush is very combined oh i've always been vocally grateful for that yeah i think that's true i mean obviously who does he remind you of when you see John perform just for me. I know.

[532] We have a best friend that I met in the groundlings who is a brilliant performer.

[533] And I've never seen anyone that I thought was similar to him other than when I saw you.

[534] And then of course, which is wrong as I start projecting all these things and I imagine you guys have similar other things.

[535] Yeah, yeah.

[536] Or just what you just told us, that's a little bit his story, which is he's really funny and outrageous.

[537] And then he almost has to have a different persona for the other thing.

[538] It's not coming hot with the jokes and this and that.

[539] Yeah.

[540] But he's clearly embraced.

[541] Yeah, I think he has a long journey.

[542] Long journey.

[543] And I think he has a hard time being fully himself at first in a dating environment.

[544] There's boxes he's putting himself in.

[545] I mean, I think it's probably hard for anyone, dating environments, especially now you're skipping past a lot of the flirtation, a lot of the seduction.

[546] You're skipping past a lot of the seduction.

[547] a lot of the uncomfortable, juicy, fun stuff, too, by choosing someone on a nap.

[548] Then you're just face, face, like, hi, you know.

[549] And then you're just like, here's my personality.

[550] You're like, just directly across.

[551] There's no, like, screen.

[552] There's no curtain.

[553] Yeah.

[554] There's no, like, gauzy curtain to be like, what, what, what?

[555] It sucks.

[556] Also, there's this really fun thing that is the slow roll.

[557] When I was in school, it would just be like, hi.

[558] And then, like, a couple days later, I say something kind of witty.

[559] And then it's like, oh, layers are being revealed.

[560] Whereas if I were on a dating app, it would be like, look at my babies, my biceps, check out this car I'm in here.

[561] Like, I'm hitting you with basically all I've got to offer visually.

[562] Yeah, it's pretty wild.

[563] When did you become, this is always a tricky question, and it's very cliche, but do you have an age that you remember, oh, I'm funny?

[564] Or were you just in your room being bizarre?

[565] And then you landed someplace and you're like, oh, this is a thing.

[566] I, for some reason, have never really pinpointed that.

[567] I mean, I was really shy as a little, little.

[568] kid.

[569] Okay.

[570] And I think the combination of being shy and maybe feeling a little bit of the gayness and be like, oh, that's going to be hard, you know, like later on.

[571] And then being southern and sweet and preachers kid.

[572] Honestly, I remember learning what Saturday Night Live was.

[573] I think it was Jim Carrey hosting and it was a Spartan cheerleader sketch and Cherio Terry.

[574] I was like, what?

[575] Yeah, yeah.

[576] You know, and that would have been, like, 1995 or 96, like, many gaymen before me, very drawn to funny women.

[577] So would you then be secretly in your room trying out all this shit?

[578] This is where Mike Taipei, Tracy Flick, comes in.

[579] I was at daycare, like, organizing the sketches.

[580] Like, I was, like, directing.

[581] Like, I was, like, we're going to do Brady Bunch today.

[582] I'm Jan, obviously.

[583] Like, you know.

[584] Yeah, yeah.

[585] You can be Alice, I guess.

[586] Sam, the butcher.

[587] Sam.

[588] Yeah, yeah, sir.

[589] Good.

[590] Pull?

[591] Yeah.

[592] I know, I know.

[593] Well, it more started, I guess, manifesting in a kind of authoritative.

[594] Controlling.

[595] Yeah, controlling thing.

[596] When I was in middle school, I was, I definitely started to get, I would say a standard, nothing too traumatic, truly, amount of bullying.

[597] And being funny was 100 % a weapon.

[598] It was so thrilling because it was like I could literally make my bullies laugh and it was like very unsettling for them.

[599] Yeah.

[600] And the thing that I would always do, honestly, I would embody them.

[601] Oh.

[602] And I'd be like, fag.

[603] It blew their mind.

[604] And they were like, wait, what?

[605] They like, early just said fag.

[606] Yeah.

[607] You know, they thought it was amazing.

[608] You know, like, okay.

[609] So that was a very clear use of it.

[610] But by then I was already very obsessed with women.

[611] Funny women.

[612] Do you have any of this growing up in the South?

[613] And again, I'm doing the same thing.

[614] The Jess equation.

[615] Do you have homophobia?

[616] That's a weird thing to ask.

[617] Do I have homophobia?

[618] Yes.

[619] Because he does.

[620] Or we just interviewed Gerard and he was saying, yeah.

[621] I love Gerard.

[622] I want a dream boat.

[623] But like growing up in a straight world, you're still embedded with ideas of what you should and shouldn't be, whether you are that or not.

[624] Definitely.

[625] Especially growing up in a kind of like Protestant environment, thankfully it wasn't a super right -wing evangelical Christianity.

[626] That would have, I think, maybe been harder.

[627] Yeah.

[628] Maybe.

[629] It would have definitely been harder.

[630] It's been impossible.

[631] What are they?

[632] The Something Baptist?

[633] What is that group?

[634] What are they?

[635] A Westboro Baptist?

[636] That would be a rough.

[637] Yeah.

[638] I've been thinking a lot about them recently because I watched the Louis Theroux one where he goes.

[639] Have you seen that one?

[640] Uh -huh.

[641] It's so amazing.

[642] He implants himself in the middle of his family, Fred Phelps' family.

[643] And he's just asking the teen girls, sweet, naive questions about their faith, but not being judgmental.

[644] And he's such a dreamboat.

[645] Who is this?

[646] That they're kind of like, Louis Theroo, he's the best.

[647] He's like a British.

[648] news documentarian.

[649] Oh, okay.

[650] He makes these, like, beautiful little half -hour documentaries about any random subject.

[651] Where can I see them?

[652] YouTube.

[653] Some are online.

[654] Some you could probably buy on, like, iTunes or something.

[655] Okay.

[656] But I'll give you my password too.

[657] But he's talking to the Westboro Baptist girls, and he's such a cutie.

[658] And they're just like, we believe that like homosexuals will burn in hell because like, and they're just so flustered because he's so sweet.

[659] They're fucked up by his hands.

[660] And also, like, no one's ever asked them genuinely.

[661] They're so used to being argumentative.

[662] It's really fascinating.

[663] It's a beautiful, beautiful documentary.

[664] But I also think about how their signs, their graphic design is so gorgeous.

[665] What does it look like?

[666] A gradient.

[667] It's always an orange teal, like yellow.

[668] It's an ombre.

[669] And then really kind of norm -corey font.

[670] Like, it's very, it's very what you see today in fashion at Calcutta.

[671] Like, I feel like what's cool now that fucking Westboro Baptist Church was doing 20 years ago.

[672] Oh, wow.

[673] They were ahead of their time.

[674] Fashion -wise.

[675] So it goes Westboro Baptist, black culture, then to us.

[676] Oh, my gosh.

[677] I didn't know there's anything further upstream.

[678] Yeah.

[679] This is exciting.

[680] Yeah, they really did it first.

[681] Is it too cliche or stereotypical to ask?

[682] I imagine that experience is compounded by two minister parents, even if they were super accepting the notion that I might be reflecting bad on them.

[683] If that's true, then it's unconscious.

[684] I went to a church every weekend that was proudly liberal.

[685] They were the sect of Presbyterianism that wanted to ordain.

[686] gay ministers.

[687] If anything, I was like, shut the fuck up.

[688] I wasn't like, what a relief.

[689] I was like, everyone stopped talking about gay people.

[690] And also stop being so sentimental about it.

[691] I found it all very treakly because I already was feeling like a funny person and it was all a little corny to me. Yes.

[692] And you don't want to be pitied either, right?

[693] That's like the worst thing you could be if someone was overly accepting in a pitiful way.

[694] Well, and it's such a fundamental.

[695] contradiction of liberalism being accepting and you know yes gay people welcome but like don't ask don't tell at the same time yeah it's like just you're getting mixed messages in the 90s from like your like quote unquote liberal leaders you know they want to kind of just say one final thing on the topic yeah never to come up again yeah totally i love you even more now yeah don't you dare tell me about a date and what happens on it yeah and if you're gay you got to be kind of peepoo to judgy like khaki pants And we want kids.

[696] Uh -huh.

[697] You know, I'm like, this is Chaston and we're married.

[698] Chastin.

[699] That is in me. I have some peat and me. It is so hard to say.

[700] It is so hard to admit that.

[701] But I do have some good boy at straight A. And then I have a part of me that just like, rages against it.

[702] And like, it's like, shut the fuck up.

[703] I found coming out to be all very, like, corny.

[704] And like, I was just like, why don't I have to do this?

[705] You know, I hate it.

[706] I hate it.

[707] Oh, I would hate it.

[708] Yeah, it sucks.

[709] It's so corny.

[710] Then there's also something in coming out that must feel somewhat adjacent to like apologizing.

[711] Totally.

[712] I got to come to you and I got to tell you a thing.

[713] Like you owe everyone that.

[714] Like, like, like, an AA, like I'm doing my tour.

[715] Yeah.

[716] It felt like an apology tour.

[717] That's so smart.

[718] You don't owe that to anyone.

[719] Definitely.

[720] I hated that.

[721] And I bet people are either inclined to say either we knew, which also I hated.

[722] Yeah.

[723] I hated that.

[724] It happened a lot.

[725] Of like, well, I've always known, which I think is usually coming from a good place.

[726] Like, you don't have to worry.

[727] You've never had to worry.

[728] I've always thought this about you and I've always loved you.

[729] There's no adjustment for me. That's the sentiment.

[730] Exactly.

[731] But, okay.

[732] Like, I don't know.

[733] I don't know what is annoying about it.

[734] I would feel like you're saying like, oh, you knew me better than me. Is that what you're saying?

[735] Like, I knew before you knew.

[736] You had the confidence to know I was.

[737] Or it's the homophobia lurking of like you're queenie.

[738] Yeah.

[739] Like, yeah, you've been out here all faggy and you didn't even realize it.

[740] Right.

[741] Maybe you should just be.

[742] straight.

[743] I thought about it.

[744] So much easier.

[745] Career wise.

[746] It could be huge.

[747] He's going to be huge for you.

[748] Yeah.

[749] Who would you be as straight John early?

[750] Let's think of the archetype.

[751] You think it would be a Michael J. I mean, what an honor.

[752] I can see like a Matt Damon.

[753] Oh, wow.

[754] No, you can't say that.

[755] Well, he's a love of my life.

[756] If you told me like, oh, you could have been Brad Pitt if you played violin.

[757] I mean, what?

[758] I could have been fucking Brad Pitt if I played violin.

[759] I'm sorry.

[760] I didn't sold you that you would have been Matt Damon.

[761] It is bad.

[762] Yeah, you're this close to being Matt Damon.

[763] For that one second.

[764] I mean, physically, there are times I watch Jeff Daniels in movies and I'm like, oh my God.

[765] It's like shocking.

[766] It's uncanny.

[767] I see it.

[768] And I love Jeff Daniels.

[769] Who does it?

[770] He's so great.

[771] God, he's wonderful.

[772] We love him.

[773] I unfortunately left a play he was just doing.

[774] He was doing, um, to kill a mocking bird.

[775] He was brilliant.

[776] Yeah, yeah.

[777] I have a specific pet peeve about.

[778] adults playing children.

[779] I can't do it.

[780] Hey pa, let's get over here.

[781] We were knocking off back there and I'm gonna fill in a mud hole but I don't got this frog daddy and I'm like oh my god why not just get some fucking kids.

[782] I know and by the way they were doing a great job.

[783] I'm not throwing shade on any of the people were in it and then the little girl's like a fucking adult woman and just like daddy I think I think it feels like people playing handicapped No, exactly, because it's a lot of like this.

[784] Like, I got to be careful.

[785] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[786] Yeah, and they're pulling on their pants and stuff.

[787] Yeah, that's exactly it.

[788] And I can't sit through that.

[789] I've often wanted to do a film festival where you do the other sister.

[790] I am Sam, riding the bus with my sister.

[791] Could we throw, I know it's completely out of the genre, but could we throw Soul Man in there?

[792] Oh, yeah.

[793] Yeah, I think that would fit.

[794] Yeah, totally.

[795] That fits completely.

[796] Maybe like this closed the festival at the last, a big, showing.

[797] Remember I sent you that?

[798] And I was like, this is 1988.

[799] Yeah, they used to rerun it on Comedy Central.

[800] That's a movie about a young gentleman who has collegiate aspirations and he needs to pretend he's black to get into a slot in school and he's in Blackface the entire movie and a Afro.

[801] Obviously, it's terrible.

[802] Let's start there.

[803] It shouldn't be in Blackface.

[804] But when people get busted for having been in Blackface in 1987, I just need to point out there was a popular film in the marketplace.

[805] You have to recognize it was a different time and it's not one person it's a studio and like let's not it was fine right I mean it was never fine but it shouldn't have been we learn I think it's infantilizing I feel like at the end of the day everyone knows it was the past I did it really I got a little stinker on my resume unfortunately did an Indian accent in a movie what is it without a paddle you didn't do any faces there's no makeup there's no makeup there's no I caught it because it was on the fly, and this is bad.

[806] This is part of the racism.

[807] I stood up in a pot field and someone had a laser pointer from a gun on my forehead.

[808] And they pointed out, you have a red dot on your forehead.

[809] And then they proceed to do an Indian accent and say some things off the cuff.

[810] Yeah.

[811] Did that get dug up?

[812] No. Until right now.

[813] As Monica and I have talked about it on Peter.

[814] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[815] It's a bummer.

[816] He has some coverage.

[817] And any time I bring up the movie, she goes, oh, that racist is, well, let's hold on.

[818] The movie is coming from a racist point of view.

[819] There was certainly some regrettable scenes, but of course.

[820] I lived through the transition.

[821] You're pretty much safe.

[822] You've worked primarily in the woke space.

[823] Totally.

[824] I even think of the groundlings when I was there.

[825] We would have this show once a year called Taking Out the Trash.

[826] Because as a policy at the Groundlings, we didn't do any racist stuff and we didn't do sexist stuff or blue like potty humor.

[827] Yeah, yeah.

[828] But one show year, you got to write the worst thing ever and they called it taken out the trash.

[829] Yes, it was a purge.

[830] And it was so fun.

[831] Some of the funny sketches I've ever seen in my life were there.

[832] But they're, you know, wow.

[833] If there's tapes of them out there, I mean, where are the tapes?

[834] Yeah, yeah.

[835] We got to have something to do for the fact check.

[836] Kind of says something about humans.

[837] We want to be good.

[838] Well, Halloween.

[839] We want to be naughty one.

[840] Yeah, we want to be good, but there's always a thread that wants to push the boundaries.

[841] Totally.

[842] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[843] What's up, guys?

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[861] Well, this is what I was going to try to identify your comedic lane with, I think you're so funny.

[862] Thanks.

[863] Yeah, I really think you're so funny.

[864] Thank you.

[865] This is homophobic.

[866] I'm going to say it.

[867] Please.

[868] It's hard for me to love someone playing overtly, openly gay because I know Jess and it's so brilliant.

[869] So like the bar I sometimes.

[870] Like when I see someone coming in there, the assistant at the desk of the powerful woman in the movie, I'm like, it's so generic.

[871] It feels like a first level character at the groundlings.

[872] Whereas Jess is so fucking dynamic and amazing search party halfway through the first episode.

[873] I was like, what the fuck is this guy?

[874] Oh my God.

[875] You are so good.

[876] Oh, my God.

[877] I mean, I come for the.

[878] Alia, Chalkat.

[879] Oh, yeah.

[880] And I stay for the John.

[881] So sweet.

[882] That's so sweet.

[883] And then I thought you were so fucking good in the after party.

[884] There's like some standouts in that.

[885] Obviously, Sam Richardson.

[886] I always got to give him that love he deserves.

[887] Ike.

[888] We love Ike.

[889] Right.

[890] Let's talk about it.

[891] We love Ike.

[892] PQ.

[893] I do love him.

[894] He's a monster.

[895] And he's such as fucking sweetheart.

[896] Talk about the.

[897] What?

[898] You're disappointed.

[899] Talk about the Venn diagram for women.

[900] Oh, yeah.

[901] Because he's so funny and nice.

[902] But he's nine feet tall.

[903] Yeah.

[904] He's got tons of dick.

[905] Dick for days.

[906] Obstensibly, yes.

[907] There's no way it's not.

[908] Yeah.

[909] But anyways, that character coupled with that after party coupled with watching last night, would it kill you to laugh.

[910] Here are what I think you specialize in.

[911] Okay.

[912] Okay.

[913] I wrote some words down.

[914] You like words.

[915] You specialize in narcissists, self -indulgent, people who want sympathy, need tons of credit, jealous of anyone who gets attention other than themselves.

[916] And so it's such a specific lane, and I love it.

[917] And so I even had a like 10 % curiosity like, God, in person, is he going to be fucking narcissists?

[918] He's so good at it.

[919] But then I know better than that.

[920] So then I go, why is that the thing he's observed the most?

[921] Right.

[922] I got a hunch because you're pretty self -critical.

[923] it's like the thing you're policing yourself on all the time totally yeah so you're probably having the worst thoughts over like this is how I know what to not do I get in a situation I go do do not comment on this guy's hair yeah yeah yeah first thought yeah yeah because I'm a dick I'm not going around making fun of people but I acknowledge what should never be said in this conversation but then it's in there I do that in hyper speeds like yeah don't talk about that car's got a flat you know yeah say everything but that then do you say it do you scream it as a result but I do feel like I have some mild Tourette's where that's where my head goes is like, how could I ruin this situation right now?

[924] I think that's very human.

[925] Okay.

[926] Do you do that Monica?

[927] Like you want in a situation and you go like, I could ruin everything right now by saying this.

[928] I don't.

[929] Yeah.

[930] Do you Rob?

[931] I don't have that.

[932] You do.

[933] Okay.

[934] Yeah.

[935] That's helpful.

[936] It's like a, you see a pair of like, don't cut your hair.

[937] Yes.

[938] I mean, I'm not like that, but I have friends who are like, don't cut your hair.

[939] Don't just chop it off for no reason.

[940] I think this is very common.

[941] When you standing a very tall building you're looking over and you're like jump you fucking pussy jump i can't even i'm so afraid of it just do it get it over with yeah just fuck you know because i'm so afraid of it yeah yeah shouting to do it do you wow no i feel like that's that's a kind of masculinity thing i feel free from thank god somehow i got in a lane early on as a kid knowing i wasn't going to have to deal with that kind of shit i'm trying hourly to shed it all And it's a fucking daunting effort.

[942] It worked great till I was 25.

[943] Right.

[944] But it doesn't all have to go, I must say.

[945] There are beautiful things about masculinity.

[946] It's very trendy, obviously, to be like, fuck you.

[947] You know, and about straight men.

[948] There's a tenderness in masculinity that gets expressed in a different way that I think is valuable.

[949] By the way, as I self -analyze, the thing on the top of the building is I identify a weakness in me. I'm afraid of that.

[950] Yeah, yeah.

[951] And then the voice in my head says, you're not a fucking man unless you confront this, improve your not weak.

[952] I guess that's the analysis all the time.

[953] It's like, shit, this thing's going to expose you for being weak and that is unacceptable.

[954] It cannot be seen.

[955] Yeah.

[956] So I'm going to jump in for all these people.

[957] So I'm a bad motherfucker on.

[958] Yeah.

[959] Yeah.

[960] And it's exhausting.

[961] Luckily, my best friend's now sober.

[962] The shit we talk about is like, what are the other dudes doing?

[963] It never came up.

[964] Yeah.

[965] They're just plodding through.

[966] And they don't have the tools to talk.

[967] They would die if they showed that weakness.

[968] Well, Kate and I were talking about this yesterday because someone was asking us about the sketch and what a kill you to laugh where we're the tech bros having a lunch together.

[969] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[970] Knocking out walls.

[971] Yeah, exactly.

[972] People always assume with Kate, and I understand why, but it's never our intention.

[973] I think people think we're making fun of people in our sketches.

[974] And there's, of course, a degree.

[975] I'm not like, what do you mean?

[976] Of course, there's a degree of social satire, but like in the same ways that we are making fun of ourselves.

[977] But to us, those guys are so sweet, especially Kate's character.

[978] She's like trying to kind of connect with me. trying to ask me questions like, is this Mediterranean food?

[979] And what you realize is how hard it is to keep the ball rolling when no one can be vulnerable.

[980] That's where the fuel is for a conversation.

[981] Yeah, totally.

[982] Is what you're afraid of, scared of?

[983] Totally.

[984] And I think Kate and I both really feel for a lot of the straight men in our lives.

[985] Kate and I feel so lucky to have a friendship where we can talk about anything.

[986] And we slept in the same bed for two years.

[987] We were like physically affectionate with each other and like we cry in front of each other.

[988] I feel really horrible for a lot of the men in my life.

[989] You're never going to have that.

[990] It sucks.

[991] Okay, but that sketch is really funny.

[992] So it's two dudes at lunch and they're talking.

[993] I at first thought it was going to be a one -upsman conversation.

[994] Right.

[995] There's a little bit of that.

[996] There's a little bit of it, but that's not really the thing.

[997] And it's like, yeah.

[998] Yeah, you just tore out the wall between the bathroom in our rooms.

[999] So now it's just open.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] It's cool.

[1002] Yeah, we just tore out the, it keeps building and building.

[1003] I was thinking us dudes kind of talk about tearing out walls.

[1004] Yeah, yeah.

[1005] You must have observed that a bunch.

[1006] So much of the special is me and Kate.

[1007] exploiting 10 -year -old inside jokes.

[1008] And whenever we'd be walking around New York together, I would be like, see this row of townhouses?

[1009] We're just going to have that knocked down.

[1010] Like, that was like, and she's like, really?

[1011] Why?

[1012] I don't know.

[1013] I don't know.

[1014] We just want to kind of, ugh, get rid of it.

[1015] Yeah, yeah, clear it out.

[1016] Let's start fresh.

[1017] So, yeah, we were just kind of reviving that.

[1018] Yeah, but I think you're right when you say there's a tenderness because in the, I want to protect people around me. There is a tenderness, but it can come across aggressive because there's not the voice.

[1019] vulnerability accompanied with the need to pretend.

[1020] Well, we're all faking it, right?

[1021] So that's the thing I think people don't understand.

[1022] It's like, they see a guy doing something outlandish and crazy.

[1023] It's objectively terrible behavior.

[1024] And you're like, that guy's a fucking asshole.

[1025] You maybe assume it's intentional.

[1026] Yeah.

[1027] When I think a lot of guys get in this situation where it's, oh, this is my time to tell him not to talk to my wife.

[1028] And you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

[1029] Yeah, yeah.

[1030] I guess you're drawing from television or maybe your dad had some thing.

[1031] It's like, you know it's action time.

[1032] Yeah.

[1033] But you don't really know what the action is.

[1034] And I think you just see a lot of stumbling, too, that looks preposterous.

[1035] Yeah.

[1036] But, you know, when we all stumble, we're all completely out of control.

[1037] And sometimes I feel like the blanket criticism of masculinity is a little like, okay, well, why don't you look at yourself a little bit first?

[1038] You know, like, you've got everything together.

[1039] Like, okay.

[1040] In general, there's just obviously so much finger pointing.

[1041] And I'm like, just turn it right on back on yourself.

[1042] Just point the finger.

[1043] We've swung so far in that direction.

[1044] I hope we'll swing a little bit far back to just look in the mirror.

[1045] Not to get lofty with it, but that's what comedy does.

[1046] It's like they're the first one's in.

[1047] They're the vanguard.

[1048] Here's a great example.

[1049] I'd love to hear your background with it.

[1050] So the premise of Woulda Kill You to Laugh is that he and Kate or America's biggest sitcom stars on a show called he's gay, she's half Jewish.

[1051] To me, I don't know because I didn't watch a ton of the shows, but to me it's Will and Grace.

[1052] Is that scary because you're afraid people are going to get offended?

[1053] No, no, no. I mean, yes, a little bit because I love Will and Grace is the problem.

[1054] I would not exist without Sean Hayes and Megamilley.

[1055] Those are two deeply influential comedic performances for me. And that's such a brilliantly well -made, classic, classic show.

[1056] But we wanted to do the reunion thing.

[1057] We wanted to do the big interview.

[1058] That's what came first.

[1059] And then in building out their history, we were like, okay, well, they had a sitcom.

[1060] You know, this is how we write.

[1061] We're like, Kate, what's the sitcom call?

[1062] And she's like, he's gay, she's Jewish.

[1063] You know, and then we like changed a half Jewish because that was funny.

[1064] And then we were on set.

[1065] And we were like, okay, well, if it's 20 years ago, okay, so we need this kind of hair.

[1066] And he was doing her curls, or a brilliant hair person, Greg Lennon.

[1067] And we were like, it's never messing.

[1068] We're like, we're so stupid.

[1069] We like literally did it.

[1070] By the way, you do a great Sean Hayes.

[1071] When you see the scenes from the show, oh, he nailed these sitcom reactions.

[1072] When we were shooting the sitcom flashbacks, we were like, we do not want this to feel like we're making fun of sitcoms.

[1073] We like sitcoms.

[1074] There's something a little inherently pretentious about a joke like that of making fun of populist entertainment.

[1075] That's not what Kate and I want to do.

[1076] Despite everyone describing us as very niche and weird, we have always thought of ourselves as like vaudevillian, support the troops.

[1077] Yeah, you know, like, U .S .O. Tour performers.

[1078] We think we're doing these classic premises.

[1079] And then people go, it's so weird.

[1080] Anyway, the sitcom stuff, the goal here is really try to do it, really try to do it well.

[1081] It actually would have been a successful sitcom in the mid -90s.

[1082] Thank you.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] And by the way, it's okay to make fun of shit.

[1085] Just observational.

[1086] I loved it.

[1087] Okay.

[1088] Now back to the narcissism, the self -indulgence.

[1089] I love the South.

[1090] But I will say there's something in the South that feels a little performative.

[1091] Oh, yeah.

[1092] Yeah.

[1093] Yes, there's a kind of sentimentality in the South, and especially in religion, the religion I grew up around.

[1094] And I also think in liberalism, there's a treakliness.

[1095] Well, you've said that twice now.

[1096] Treakling?

[1097] Treakly, like kind of like too sweet, like saccharine.

[1098] Oh, saccharin.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] So we have a new word for saying.

[1101] You already have that word today.

[1102] But I don't pull it out a lot.

[1103] I have, it's a list of synonyms for me because I do talk about this a lot and think about this a lot because I had a really strong repulsion to it as a child.

[1104] I was around it all the time and so in my comedy I'm really acting out still.

[1105] I was a very, very good boy.

[1106] So I never really properly rebelled in high school.

[1107] So my comedy is whether I am conscious of it or not it's always delayed acting out against a certain kind of sentimentality.

[1108] And then I think there's a lot of sanctimoniousness in the culture right now that I think Kate and I both like to kind of embody and make fun of us.

[1109] Yes, yes, be irreverent.

[1110] Yeah.

[1111] But no, it's so transparent.

[1112] It doesn't take it there.

[1113] You didn't feel, for whatever reason, that you were allowed to be naughty.

[1114] Totally.

[1115] And because it's a character, in quotes, all the naughtiness you've been bottling up.

[1116] And it's also in me. The intensity of the register is not just me mimicking what you saw.

[1117] against the South.

[1118] It is also because I am very sentimental and I can be really black and white and romantic in the way I carry myself in social situations and relationships.

[1119] So there is a part of me that still is trying to beat that out of me and be a little more European and a little more nuanced.

[1120] Yeah, cool and just like kind of okay.

[1121] Yeah, less earnest.

[1122] Yeah.

[1123] Let's use this when I leave a podcast.

[1124] I'm like, you're fucking idiot.

[1125] Because I can't help but just kind of talk and share.

[1126] fill in all this space.

[1127] And then I'm like, why couldn't I be a little more removed and funny and critical?

[1128] That's not okay if you're not European.

[1129] You're not cool.

[1130] Whatever you are is great.

[1131] It's working out.

[1132] Thank you.

[1133] Well, that's what I have to remind myself.

[1134] And that's what Kate is very good at.

[1135] Kate grew up in California.

[1136] Her dad is an artist.

[1137] The only child of this beautiful, beautiful couple.

[1138] You know, they were friends with Angelica Houston, very smart and they're the best.

[1139] And maybe my parents are the parents.

[1140] Kate one, like it's like the kind of, I don't know, that's part of why I think we were very drawn to each other as friends and as artists.

[1141] We both kind of represent something that we want to be.

[1142] And Kate is always being the voice, it's okay, John.

[1143] Yeah, you're fine.

[1144] You're fine.

[1145] And likewise, you know, to her.

[1146] So I'm in therapy.

[1147] And he keeps saying like, I want to be clear about this.

[1148] We don't have the objective of changing you.

[1149] You need to do what you do professionally in your friendships that you already have.

[1150] We desire a different motivation.

[1151] We desire a different evaluation of it post.

[1152] That's what we're aspiring to.

[1153] So it's like, you can still have your whole thing and then also have the calmness of Bill Murray.

[1154] Like, that's what I aspire to, right?

[1155] It's like zero panic, total belief in myself.

[1156] Yeah.

[1157] I don't need to fill in this gap.

[1158] When I eventually talk, it's going to be a home run.

[1159] I aspire to that.

[1160] It's like people thinking they should not go on meds because their depression's a source of fuel for their comedy.

[1161] It's like, no, you can also do your comedy and be happy.

[1162] I guess that's the thing that's relevant.

[1163] Well, I really relate to wanting to fill the gap.

[1164] Socially, I'm like, what would you be if you weren't just nodding your head, nodding your head at like parties?

[1165] Uh -huh.

[1166] What would you actually have to say?

[1167] What would you feel?

[1168] What would your opinions be if you weren't just like, oh, yeah.

[1169] Disagreement.

[1170] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[1171] Constantly in an improv, yeah, sanding everything they say.

[1172] Side note, you should check out the George Washington autobiography, not autobiography.

[1173] The Washington biography, written by Ron Chernow, I'm just finishing it.

[1174] And he's the opposite of me. He never spoke.

[1175] And people thought he was brilliant because of it.

[1176] It was a superpower because he was in the Continental Congress.

[1177] Everyone had an opinion.

[1178] Everyone's shouting.

[1179] They're arguing.

[1180] And this motherfucker just hung.

[1181] And they were like, he must be the biggest genius here.

[1182] He has nothing to prove.

[1183] But he was secretly like, what are they talking about?

[1184] That's what I'm saying.

[1185] Maybe he left the room and was like, I didn't say anything.

[1186] Yeah, yeah, totally.

[1187] Oh my God, I got to start saying stuff.

[1188] It's very possible.

[1189] I think I have to control everyone's perception of me actively.

[1190] If I don't get out in front of me, ooh, I'm worried about what your conclusion will be if I don't intervene.

[1191] Whereas someone didn't do it and that great story was told about them and people liked them and wanting to be around them.

[1192] Again, I'm not aspiring to be George Washington, but it's just a fascinating.

[1193] No, I think there's just two things.

[1194] The reason you're trying to make those changes is because you feel like something's being forced that's not 100 % natural to you.

[1195] Well, I think it comes from, oh, they're going to think I'm dumb.

[1196] Yeah, exactly.

[1197] If I don't actively prove otherwise.

[1198] Exactly.

[1199] So there's a reason underneath it.

[1200] Okay.

[1201] Would it kill you to laugh was absolutely hysterical?

[1202] We loved it.

[1203] It's an hour -long sketch special.

[1204] But what I like about it, it's all within one singular narrative.

[1205] Oh, we lost them.

[1206] We lost them.

[1207] That's another thing I like you do often.

[1208] You either fake a medical emergency to get out of a situation.

[1209] Yeah, it's a classic.

[1210] Or, because you did it on after party.

[1211] too you declare you have a disease oh search party I'm sorry search party they're comedy murder mysteries with party in the title yeah I blame and I wonder why I don't book you know you're a very tiny niche it's a very weird pigeon pigeonholing your pigeonholed into the title party but there's been a lot of great you could be on party of fine Abigail's party yes yes party down okay yes so you did it on search party and you did it last night when I was watching but claiming to have a big medical issue and then loving to accept the compassion.

[1212] I mean, what a grody.

[1213] It's the apex of groatiness.

[1214] Yeah, it's an old love of mine is kind of like, whoa, the eyes crossing, the passing out.

[1215] Yes.

[1216] I just love doing that.

[1217] It's Munchausen's.

[1218] Exactly, exactly.

[1219] You name a disorder, I'm pretty compassionate towards it.

[1220] I have to say, I'm not compassionate to people with Munchausen.

[1221] Well, yeah.

[1222] Yeah, I'm like, fuck you.

[1223] You're making everyone feel bad for you.

[1224] What is the difference between Munchausen?

[1225] and hypochondria.

[1226] Hypochondria is thinking that things might be wrong.

[1227] You do believe it.

[1228] I must have a stomach tumor.

[1229] Munchausen is like, Munchausen is you drink poison.

[1230] So you do have the thing.

[1231] Or you learn all the symptoms.

[1232] So you can go into a doctor and get the official diagnosis.

[1233] So it's like you learn the 13 things that say you have an obstructed bowel.

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] Whatever the thing is.

[1236] Why are you just yelling that at me?

[1237] Because I think you have an instructed.

[1238] Instructed.

[1239] No, often with Munchausen's, you are.

[1240] hurting yourself you can like break your leg but it's all you know it you're in on the joke you're doing it yes yes and you're making up ailments to get compassion yeah hypochondriks just quietly and miserably believing they're dying of a brain tumor this is monica and to some extent myself yeah i think it's you equal oh okay and i think i'm getting less and less by the day yeah do you think i'm getting more yeah oh wow what's my recent ones that i've forgot you had cancer which one your arm Which kind of cancer?

[1241] Oh, yeah.

[1242] Well, no. You recently thought you had cancer.

[1243] I didn't think I had cancer.

[1244] I said, I should get this check.

[1245] You told me that you thought.

[1246] I said, I want to make sure this isn't skin cancer.

[1247] Because I had a growth come out of my arm in about five seconds.

[1248] It turned from, like, flush skin to...

[1249] It was good.

[1250] You got a check.

[1251] I'm not saying you shouldn't have.

[1252] It was nothing.

[1253] Like a fat deposit?

[1254] No, you know what it was?

[1255] Because I had that.

[1256] The dermatologist showed me is, you see this brown mark you have here, which are common.

[1257] And we have them on our skins, like a sunspot.

[1258] She said sometimes those can go through a cycle where they just get red.

[1259] they puff up, and then they go back to normal.

[1260] Yeah.

[1261] I'm going to cut this off and send it to the lab, make sure it's not that, but that's generally what we're looking at.

[1262] Okay, what did you have skin cancer?

[1263] No, yeah, it's like a, like a liposoma.

[1264] Oh, no, that's a thing, yep.

[1265] I have peronis, if you want to talk about disgust.

[1266] One of my favorite beers.

[1267] Uh -huh.

[1268] And before it was a beer, it is a penis disease.

[1269] Bullet points, need it.

[1270] Yeah, we're going to read her digested, as my mother would say.

[1271] So Kristen was getting on me. She kind of lost her balance.

[1272] I was erect, it was sexual, she fell, she fell on my penis snapped, like it made a noise and it felt like someone put a hot knife in the middle of my penis right away.

[1273] It was the worst.

[1274] I got over that, who gives a fuck?

[1275] Months later, looking at my penis, it's erect, I'm like, hmm, it's looking like it's shaped a bit different.

[1276] This is bizarre.

[1277] And then I'm like, oh, I kind of have a dent in it.

[1278] So now I go to my urologist who had done my vasectomy, love him, Dr. Josephson, shout out, I love you.

[1279] He looks at my penis.

[1280] It's flaccid.

[1281] He's like pushing on it and trying to then might be perone.

[1282] So what happens there is you damage some of the vessels and then they can inflate with blood and then it can change the shape of your penis.

[1283] And it's worst case, you won't be able to use your penis.

[1284] Often, about 50 % of the time, it self -corrects.

[1285] That may be the case.

[1286] Also, we have a surgery if it doesn't.

[1287] That's only 50 % successful.

[1288] And you'll never get an erection again if it goes bad, which happens half the time.

[1289] Let's see what happens.

[1290] I also got to add.

[1291] He says, I need to see it hard.

[1292] He knows I'm not going to be able to do that in the office.

[1293] He said, just next time you have an erections, send me a picture.

[1294] And said, you want me to send you a dick pick.

[1295] Yeah.

[1296] And he goes, look at my phone.

[1297] He opens up his phone.

[1298] It's just a million dick breaks.

[1299] Oh my God.

[1300] So sure enough, I get a boner.

[1301] And then I'm trying to get the right lighting to so he can see the dent, sent it to him.

[1302] Yep, Peronis.

[1303] Long story short.

[1304] There's about a year.

[1305] And I meet with the surgeon to talk about if it's getting worse or not.

[1306] I'm thinking, got a significant chance.

[1307] I'm never going to get an erection again.

[1308] And I was one of the cases that's just self -corrected.

[1309] The vessels healed and it returned to its normal shape.

[1310] But I had a year.

[1311] Thank you so much.

[1312] The disease, to have insult to injury, is fucking called Peronis.

[1313] I think it's kind of gorgeous and Italian.

[1314] I am just thinking of the beer.

[1315] Again, a really elegant Italian beer.

[1316] Gorgeous in Italian.

[1317] Oh, you have a pepperon.

[1318] Okay, back to you.

[1319] I watched also the characters.

[1320] Where I faint.

[1321] You faint in that, right?

[1322] Yeah, for attention, yeah.

[1323] I love it.

[1324] But within the characters, which is on Netflix, have you ever seen it?

[1325] Yeah, it was a while ago, right?

[1326] It's like an anthology of different people, 16.

[1327] Shikshim.

[1328] Lord Lapkis is in it?

[1329] Yes, Tim Robinson, Natasha Rothwell.

[1330] A different time.

[1331] Yeah.

[1332] I mean, honestly, it's so lawless streaming platforms.

[1333] Oh, yeah.

[1334] And this is definitely an example of that, an unsuccessful example of that.

[1335] Kind of no one watched it.

[1336] Kind of flew under the radar a little bit.

[1337] Because I was like, how do you sell it?

[1338] It's like eight different people.

[1339] All up and coming.

[1340] Yeah.

[1341] And that's kind of the theory of it.

[1342] Exactly.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] So eight people you don't know.

[1345] Like a showcase, kind of.

[1346] And who wants to watch a showcase?

[1347] Well, in this case, I would recommend people watch your showcase.

[1348] three gay guys watched it but you have a sketch where you're a female comedian yes looking for my denim oh my god thank you so important to me will you just kind of lay out looking for my denim for monica she's like blue collar comedy it's like mom comedy okay you know it's all about like picking up the kids and it's all about her husband just being you know insufferable he said we're going to be 10 minutes let yeah yeah it's like we're going to be 10 minutes late i'm going to run inside real quick and grab my denim It's going to take me one minute.

[1349] Yeah, but I'm just going to run into, you know, exactly.

[1350] It's under the couch, you know.

[1351] At first time you hear it, you're kind of like, you don't put it together.

[1352] But you do feel someone's setting up a story quietly, so you're like building the tension for a big laugh.

[1353] And they keep cutting back and forth to backstage.

[1354] So you're seeing like a different part of the night and her interact with her two friends.

[1355] I don't know, are they her friends?

[1356] There are other comedians.

[1357] It's Kate and Brilliant Jacqueline Novak.

[1358] And we're all playing kind of like female comedians smoking in the green row.

[1359] So Jacqueline Novak, have I seen her in something recently?

[1360] I directed her show.

[1361] That's her show called Get On Your Knees.

[1362] Jacqueline's just an incredibly brilliant stand -up.

[1363] It's like an hour and 20 minutes of stand -up that is all kind of like a poetic, academic dissection of the blowjob.

[1364] Oh.

[1365] And to get on your knees.

[1366] She's just brilliant.

[1367] Yeah, anyway, she's an old friend of me and Kate's, and I directed that show that was in New York at Cherry Lane, and she's taking it all around the world in a city near you.

[1368] Oh, my God.

[1369] Well, anyways, and every time they come back to the stage show, now she's really in the swing of, I'm going to get my denim.

[1370] Looking for my denim.

[1371] And so now you're - It's her catchphrase.

[1372] Yeah, you're not hearing really any setup.

[1373] It's just more physicality and looking for my denim.

[1374] Oh, that's great.

[1375] It's so funny.

[1376] It's so funny.

[1377] It's so funny.

[1378] And people, like, just come ready and they know the catchphrase.

[1379] It's so beautiful.

[1380] And I throw it to the audience and everyone says it.

[1381] People love Vicky.

[1382] And to me, the thing with Vicky, similar to the sitcom thing is I use.

[1383] to play her when I first started doing that like 2014 maybe it was about her vulnerability and her real life and stuff and then I was like no no no she has to kill make her a star make her an undeniable star and it's like the most fun I ever have on stage obviously yeah because I'm like running around stage dropping the mic and like doing sprints all your discs precisely I don't know how I'm ever going to do her again but yeah she's major I love Vicki it's really really good it's so fucking funny Okay.

[1384] Should we talk about the fact that we didn't have Kate?

[1385] Did that hurt your feelings?

[1386] No, you know, Kate's doing not to bring up a sensitive subject.

[1387] She's doing Mark Merritt.

[1388] Oh, there you go.

[1389] We love Mark.

[1390] And so.

[1391] And Mark wouldn't have me. Okay.

[1392] Well, there we go.

[1393] It's not that I, let's, I just want to make sure that you walk away from this knowing from my point of it.

[1394] We don't have two people on.

[1395] That's what I figured.

[1396] We've done it a few times.

[1397] And it's like fine, but there's no depth to it.

[1398] Yeah.

[1399] Yeah.

[1400] Totally.

[1401] I mean, that's partially why Kate and I like doing press together because we can kind of.

[1402] save each other.

[1403] Yeah, exactly, support each other, you know, but also, like, keep it for maybe getting to, but this wasn't that.

[1404] Also, press is terrible.

[1405] I remember some of the funest times I've ever had Will Arnett and I had to promote, let's go to prison everywhere because it was a $4 $4 .00 movie and there was no budget, so they sent us everywhere.

[1406] Really?

[1407] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1408] In my memory, that was like a big blockbuster.

[1409] Oh, gosh.

[1410] God bless you.

[1411] No, it was made for, I want to say $4 million.

[1412] Got it.

[1413] That's one of the great examples.

[1414] What do you mean?

[1415] Everyone think Shawshank Redemption was a successful movie.

[1416] And it was all seen it.

[1417] It was a total box office bomb.

[1418] It was so great.

[1419] We've all seen it and everyone believes that movie was a hit, but it made like $8 million or something.

[1420] No. We could look it up.

[1421] Rob, get us the domestic on that.

[1422] But home video.

[1423] Yeah, just we've all seen it.

[1424] Like, of course that was a huge hit, but it just wasn't.

[1425] But let's go to prison was a $4 million movie.

[1426] They sent us everywhere.

[1427] And the only thing that gets you through it is Arnette and I fucking with each other in the interviews the whole time.

[1428] Now it's just an excuse for us to act inappropriately in public.

[1429] And it can be really fun.

[1430] No, I know.

[1431] Where did you and Kate meet?

[1432] We went to NYU but did not know each other.

[1433] We met doing stand -up in New York.

[1434] And then we did a mutual friend short film.

[1435] And that's where it cemented.

[1436] Solidified.

[1437] 16 million.

[1438] Okay.

[1439] 16 million.

[1440] I mean, that's less.

[1441] For Shosh.

[1442] 16 million.

[1443] It's not even 20 million bucks.

[1444] 16 million bucks.

[1445] I had a second run and made it to 28 million, though.

[1446] I'm still not.

[1447] I mean, for the movie that it is.

[1448] Yeah.

[1449] If I asked you, What do you think Shawshank did?

[1450] You're going 80 to 100, all right?

[1451] Easily.

[1452] 135.

[1453] And what would you have gone with, let's go to prison.

[1454] What do you, out of the, take a stand?

[1455] Literally, I would have thought, I can't wait to find out.

[1456] By Blockbuster, I just missed an old school comedy.

[1457] Right.

[1458] So I would have thought 52 million.

[1459] Okay, great.

[1460] That's fine.

[1461] 4 .6.

[1462] There we go.

[1463] 4 .6.

[1464] You were off by a factor of 12.

[1465] 12 .5.

[1466] But it hit the zeitgeist.

[1467] Look, it had a nice little run on home video, DVD, and ancillary marketplaces.

[1468] It was amortized.

[1469] They don't get their money back.

[1470] Oh, good.

[1471] Points, points.

[1472] Cereal Mom.

[1473] I mean, I've seen it 300 times, but I saw the prepping at New Beverly.

[1474] And I always assumed that it was John Waters post -hairspray.

[1475] Like, you got a big star.

[1476] You got Kathleen Turner.

[1477] Like, I always thought it was a giant blockbuster.

[1478] Made $7 million.

[1479] Yeah, I've never seen.

[1480] Massey Lillard's first role.

[1481] Oh, it is?

[1482] He's so genius in it.

[1483] It's such a beautiful movie.

[1484] Everyone.

[1485] Go see Serial Mom.

[1486] Have you seen Pinkfellon?

[1487] Of course.

[1488] What age were you when you saw?

[1489] Late.

[1490] I was late to John Waters.

[1491] I wasn't even in college.

[1492] I was like 24.

[1493] I saw polyester.

[1494] And I like, wept because I was like, this is my religion.

[1495] I'm seeing where everything I love like comes from, you know?

[1496] And then I watched it all.

[1497] It was big in the punk rock scene.

[1498] I saw pink flamingo.

[1499] You've never seen it, have you?

[1500] Had this wonderful actress divine in it.

[1501] Yes.

[1502] And she like would steal stakes by putting them between her thighs.

[1503] And there's like a man who prolapse.

[1504] is his anus on the screen.

[1505] There's a chicken lady.

[1506] Edith Massey.

[1507] It's a wild ride.

[1508] He's also doing some kind of gymnastics or something.

[1509] What would we call that?

[1510] The man who's making his asshole open up and prolapse.

[1511] I don't know.

[1512] We would call it contortionist.

[1513] He was like a contortionist who additionally had this great control over his anus.

[1514] Oh my God.

[1515] Good for him.

[1516] You know, we all do.

[1517] And if we just put the time in.

[1518] No one tells you that, you know.

[1519] And no one puts in the time.

[1520] That's the sadder part.

[1521] Well, John Early, I've really enjoyed talking to you.

[1522] And thank you for getting through your back issue.

[1523] I can't believe you're having to promote this show while in this state.

[1524] This is the kind of promotion that I can do.

[1525] Sitting in a chair.

[1526] Yeah, sitting in a chair talking.

[1527] I found this very soothing.

[1528] Oh, good.

[1529] Truly, very conversational.

[1530] Just, oh, good.

[1531] The show, would it kill you to laugh, is on Peacock when?

[1532] June 24th.

[1533] June 24th.

[1534] And guess what, gang, peacock's free.

[1535] Oh, my God.

[1536] We're in the same boat because we're only on Spotify and we have to just bang it into people's heads like that it is free.

[1537] Yeah, but do ads interrupt?

[1538] Well, they do anyways.

[1539] I think there's something very soothing about an ad interrupting my TV experience.

[1540] Doesn't bother me either.

[1541] Well, here's what I realize is my kids grew up.

[1542] They're seven and nine.

[1543] Couple wild things they never experienced is we had never taken them into a department store.

[1544] We order everything.

[1545] Never occurred to us.

[1546] They'd never been to a department store.

[1547] Took them a Target two years ago.

[1548] And it was like whatever your experience that.

[1549] Disney World was.

[1550] It was like, what?

[1551] There's a warehouse with everything we buy sitting here at the same time.

[1552] You know, like it was mind expanding.

[1553] They loved it.

[1554] Similarly, we grew up in the era of streaming and DVR.

[1555] And when I watch live sports, they see commercials and they're ecstatic.

[1556] They like commercials more than they like any content.

[1557] Like what?

[1558] It's a mini show.

[1559] It's like a 30 second show.

[1560] They love it.

[1561] It's the state of content.

[1562] I mean, it says a lot.

[1563] They're like loving the commercials.

[1564] Well, Well, I'm ready to babysit.

[1565] Whatever.

[1566] Great.

[1567] You guys need it.

[1568] You're close.

[1569] Even, no, even now.

[1570] With the bad back.

[1571] Yeah, I will, you say the word.

[1572] My rate is like low.

[1573] Okay, great, great, great.

[1574] We have a pretty well -stocked fridge.

[1575] I think that's all I was ever in it for as a babysitter.

[1576] All right, John, wonderful meeting you.

[1577] I hope everyone checks out the show.

[1578] June 24th on Peacock, which is free as fuck.

[1579] Yep.

[1580] Amen.

[1581] Thank you, guys.

[1582] I have to have the final word.

[1583] Thank you.

[1584] Stay tuned for more.

[1585] armchair expert if you dare and now my favorite part of the show the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman Did you get any tattoo on me?

[1586] Oh my goodness, it's a bunch of dogs I know I saw it I saw it on Instagram I followed the journey It's a thing on the same Okay Well and Rob told me he was getting a tattoo What?

[1587] And he told me he was getting a tattoo Oh he told you Why don't you think he didn't You didn't tell me because I'm his dad.

[1588] You weren't there.

[1589] I told you.

[1590] Jesus.

[1591] We were sitting on the deck and I was showing you the guy that I was going to have to do it.

[1592] Well, okay.

[1593] To me, that was like you were thinking about getting a tattoo with this guy.

[1594] He was in Chicago, right?

[1595] Yeah, yeah.

[1596] It was when we were there.

[1597] Yeah, you didn't have an appointment.

[1598] You didn't tell me what you're getting.

[1599] He doesn't listen until you have an appointment.

[1600] Yeah.

[1601] You didn't have an appointment then, did he?

[1602] Well, he had to fit me in.

[1603] He's, like, booked up months usually.

[1604] And he came in on his day off and did it.

[1605] God, you got the fucking red carpet treatment there in Chicago.

[1606] Charlie also got a new tat.

[1607] What?

[1608] On his face?

[1609] No. He got on his other thigh a big tattoo.

[1610] There's more going to be added.

[1611] I think it's like...

[1612] Wasn't quite clear yet?

[1613] No, I just sometimes...

[1614] This is like with Halloween costumes.

[1615] Like, I don't know what anything is.

[1616] I have to pretend like I know.

[1617] Oh, like if someone's a werewolf, you just...

[1618] You think it's someone's hair.

[1619] No, like, if someone's like, okay, squid games, I would know, but if I'm at a Halloween party and someone's in like a squid game.

[1620] By the way, you're always at Halloween parties.

[1621] I love them.

[1622] 10, 12 a year.

[1623] No, but I just, I get anxiety because everyone's like, oh my God, that's an amazing costume.

[1624] Did you see Sarah Bet's costumes?

[1625] Sarah Bette.

[1626] Is that a real person?

[1627] Sarah Beth.

[1628] Oh, Sarah Bath.

[1629] Anyway, and I'm like, oh my God, I know.

[1630] so good, but I don't know what it is.

[1631] And even if I've seen, even if I've seen Squid Game, which I have, my brain, it's like magic eye, you know, like my brain doesn't work like that.

[1632] You're not an out of context person.

[1633] Exactly.

[1634] So, same with Charlie's tattoo.

[1635] Okay.

[1636] Do you remember if it was a creature or a landscape?

[1637] Hold on.

[1638] He sent it, I think.

[1639] Let me see.

[1640] Do, do, do, do, do, do.

[1641] Do you know what that song is?

[1642] Henry Mancini, elephants, no, baby elephant.

[1643] Oh, do, do, do do do do do.

[1644] I don't know.

[1645] Is it a children's song?

[1646] I don't know what the origin, like, I don't know if he wrote it for something childlike.

[1647] It sounds beautiful.

[1648] Do you want to hear it while you, I'll put some hold music.

[1649] Yeah, do it.

[1650] Okay.

[1651] It's the major theme in Hattari.

[1652] What the fuck is Hattari?

[1653] A 1962 Oh, Jesus You said that like I should know that one I'm Googling it Okay A movie from 1962 Oh Actually it's called Elephant Walk Oh this is a nice ditty This song This song is stuck in my head Probably three or four days a week It's cute Oh Wow Wow You don't recognize it.

[1654] Maybe I'm out of context of that movie we've all seen.

[1655] Yeah, this is another thing I can't do, sounds that aren't.

[1656] It's fun and playful.

[1657] It's very playful.

[1658] Oh, there's weird.

[1659] It makes the movie, too.

[1660] Yeah, there's no movie without this song.

[1661] What movie?

[1662] So pivotal.

[1663] The very well -known movie.

[1664] it, giraffe, and a...

[1665] Hittari.

[1666] Hattari, Monica.

[1667] Oh, I know that, and everyone's dressed up like that at Halloween parties, and I have to...

[1668] Yeah, it's been the most popular Halloween costume since 1962.

[1669] It had its 50 -year anniversary in 2012, and then 60 year this year, I guess.

[1670] Fast man. This is such a waste of a conversation.

[1671] It is.

[1672] But aren't we waiting for some data from you?

[1673] I can't find it.

[1674] Oh, okay.

[1675] So that was useless filler, because we never got to where we're going on.

[1676] But I'm going to text him right now and have them send you a picture.

[1677] Okay, but I do think people will enjoy being introduced and or rehearing a great ditty like Elephant Walk.

[1678] Who doesn't?

[1679] By Henry Mancini.

[1680] I have a question.

[1681] Do you say safe travels or travel safe?

[1682] Never either.

[1683] But if I had to at gunpoint, I would say save travels.

[1684] Why at gunpoint?

[1685] You don't want people to be safe on their travels?

[1686] it sounds like it's something that was relevant to say in the 1800s when people were crossing the prairie a covered wagon when Hattari was popular but no one needs to be wish safe in fact I don't feel like it's a jinx like of course you're going to arrive to New York safely on airplanes the safest thing you could possibly do why do I need to wish you it'd be like me saying when you're oh I got to take a bath tonight don't drown in the tub why would I need to say that you're not going to drown in the tub although I bet your odds of drowning in the tub are higher than dying in a plane crash.

[1687] Rob, do you, do, do, I thought you could tap it in and figure that out.

[1688] If you're more likely to die in the tub or a plane crash.

[1689] But again, I would never say safe bathing.

[1690] Okay.

[1691] Does that make sense at least?

[1692] It does.

[1693] I just, I say it all the time and I mean it.

[1694] Well, I believe you mean it because you have a sweet prayer and you worry about natural disasters and serial killers and a lot of stuff.

[1695] Yeah.

[1696] You are much more likely to die in a bathtub or shower.

[1697] Oh, Telma.

[1698] What's the...

[1699] Bathtub is 1 in 685 ,000.

[1700] Okay, Monica.

[1701] And an airplane is 1 in 11 million.

[1702] Oh my God, it's 10X, Monica.

[1703] We have talked about this before.

[1704] Not relative to a bathing.

[1705] No, we've talked about it's kind of common to die in the bath.

[1706] One in 680 ,000.

[1707] Yeah.

[1708] For me, it would be one in a billion because I don't ever take.

[1709] baths.

[1710] Well, showers is one in 812 ,000.

[1711] Oh, wow.

[1712] Okay.

[1713] Well, I'm glad I don't shower very often.

[1714] Well, I'm still wishing you safe bathing, safe showering, and safe travels.

[1715] Okay.

[1716] So I will now, again, I'll just go in order of scariest, right?

[1717] Okay.

[1718] I'll start saying safe bathing, because that's the one that's going to get you out of those two.

[1719] Actually, yeah, because I'm not supposed to take them.

[1720] Oh, because you're epilepsy.

[1721] Yeah.

[1722] I bet you're one in 100.

[1723] I know.

[1724] The odds are hot.

[1725] But it doesn't keep you out of the tub.

[1726] No, I love it.

[1727] This is what's so great about humans.

[1728] It's like, you'll be the first to go like, I hate that you go on a motorcycle track.

[1729] I bet it's less risky than bathing with epilepsy.

[1730] Yes.

[1731] If we do the numbers, how many people die in a motorcycle track a year?

[1732] But listen, you have to put it.

[1733] Versus bubble baths?

[1734] No, you have to factor in that mine are nocturnal seizures.

[1735] They happen at night.

[1736] But you take a lot of your baths in the evening.

[1737] You rarely bathe in the morning or the afternoon.

[1738] I'm rarely sleeping in my bath.

[1739] You're a nocturnal bather.

[1740] All right.

[1741] Well, that's true.

[1742] Have you ever fallen asleep in the bath?

[1743] No, I'd be dead.

[1744] No, you could be, well, water level could be at such a height and you're leaning against the back of the tub and your body would just be, your head would be out of the water.

[1745] The water level would have to be one inch.

[1746] And that's not a, that's not a fun bath.

[1747] What are you talking?

[1748] You can't lay flat on your back in a bathtub with just your head on the ground.

[1749] Now, listen, if I fell asleep right now.

[1750] Yeah.

[1751] No, your feet would stop you from sliding all the way flat with the bathtub.

[1752] About four inches.

[1753] Your relationships with physics is so different than mine.

[1754] But this does remind me of one of the great fights my father and I got in.

[1755] You know this story.

[1756] Which?

[1757] It's probably the first time I ever did anything kind of lavish.

[1758] You know, like I was, I was doing Zethora.

[1759] And so I thought, you know, I'm going to treat my family to Thanksgiving and Palm Springs.

[1760] I'm going to rent a real nice house.

[1761] And I don't know for what reason my father stayed a day later than we did.

[1762] That makes no sense to me. So my father, now, sweet Dave Sr., in his defense, when he got home, it was later revealed he had had some heart attacks he didn't know about.

[1763] So his breathing and his heart function was terrible.

[1764] He was at a point where he pretty much could only sleep sitting up.

[1765] Oh.

[1766] The terrible thing about this is, let's see, that was 2004 or five.

[1767] And he was born in 51, so 49.

[1768] He's like 52.

[1769] Oh, no. So at any rate, he would fall asleep.

[1770] He couldn't sleep worth the shit at night.

[1771] So he must have taken 25 naps a day, these little 12, 13 minute naps.

[1772] Yeah, similar before.

[1773] Aaron got his breathing in that sleep apnea machine.

[1774] My father also then got a sleep apnea machine.

[1775] This is pre -sleep apnea machine.

[1776] Okay.

[1777] Point is, also he was a grouch on this trip, right?

[1778] Well, if he was having heart attacks.

[1779] Yeah, he was still smoking.

[1780] And he was just a fucking grouch.

[1781] He was getting into these power struggles with my sister.

[1782] He wanted to watch TV all the time.

[1783] He had the TV so loud if she talked and they got in these fights.

[1784] Oh, no. Yeah.

[1785] So it was already kind of a rough trip.

[1786] And then at one point, we were in the hot tub.

[1787] Me, I think my brother, I don't know who else, and my father.

[1788] And my brother and I are watching, my father, the Shepard boys, the D .R. guys.

[1789] We're all D .R .S. Yeah, doctors.

[1790] No, dietic.

[1791] This doctor.

[1792] Dex Randall Shepard, David R. Jr. My dad loved that on his golf bag.

[1793] It said D .R. Shepherd.

[1794] And people thought he was a doctor and he did not correct them.

[1795] Of course.

[1796] Why would he?

[1797] Okay.

[1798] Similar to the thing you just said, you didn't correct.

[1799] But you knew the Halloween, Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose, the Halloween costume.

[1800] So you guys have a lot in comment.

[1801] anyways i'm your dad uh my father nods off in the in the hot tub so we're watching him and he's sitting he's sitting upright but his head is getting lower lower lower like he's his face is falling forward and we're watching and watching it because we're right there and we're going to let this happen my brother and i of course because you fuck with your dad and his fucking face well i'm not exaggerating the tip of his nose was touching the water oh my god and we're like when the is he going to inhale water?

[1802] And he's like, with the tip of his nose in the water.

[1803] He eventually comes to.

[1804] He just wakes up as he does.

[1805] And he wakes up.

[1806] And then we're both staring at him.

[1807] He's like, what the fuck are you guys looking at?

[1808] And we're like, dad, you just fell asleep and you almost drowned.

[1809] No, I didn't.

[1810] And we're like, yes, she did.

[1811] I didn't fucking drown.

[1812] I'm talking to you now.

[1813] He got really defensive, right?

[1814] Of course.

[1815] Okay, that's not even the big fight.

[1816] He didn't like that, that that had happened.

[1817] I think he felt a little bit.

[1818] Yeah, probably embarrassed, but couldn't say that.

[1819] And of course, my brother and I were just having a riot with it.

[1820] So we were leaving a day early.

[1821] I think I had to return to work, maybe.

[1822] I just know that I had to sit down with him and I said to him, Dad, I don't want you to go in the hot tub while we're gone.

[1823] Because there's no one here.

[1824] Yeah.

[1825] He's like, I wonder what are you fucking?

[1826] What are you talking about?

[1827] I can't go in the hot tub.

[1828] And I'm like, Dad, you almost drowned.

[1829] I know I didn't fucking drop.

[1830] I didn't even have water on my face.

[1831] I'm like, yeah, well, you did.

[1832] You had it on the tip of your nose.

[1833] It was this huge fight.

[1834] He was so pissed.

[1835] I told me he wasn't allowed.

[1836] I'm fucking going to the hot tub if I want.

[1837] Oh, no. That's where it ended.

[1838] It's like he was going to go in the hot tub, whether I liked it or not.

[1839] And as I drove away to return back to L .A. To work.

[1840] And then I thought, well, now he's definitely going in the hot tub in spite of me. Uh -huh.

[1841] He's definitely going to spite.

[1842] Yeah.

[1843] Yeah.

[1844] So I drove away thinking like, they're going to call, the rental people are going to be calling.

[1845] And we found a gentleman in the hot tub, large gentleman.

[1846] Oh, my God.

[1847] What a character he was, huh?

[1848] Wow.

[1849] You have to surrender with him at some point.

[1850] There's very few people.

[1851] Like Delta.

[1852] Yes.

[1853] They're the same.

[1854] There's very few people in my life where I've been arguing with.

[1855] And I'm like, this is pointless.

[1856] Like, I cannot win.

[1857] They have more will than I have, which is saying a lot because I like to tangle.

[1858] That is saying a lot.

[1859] Oh, my God.

[1860] Oh, boy.

[1861] So he was, like, having heart attacks on that trip?

[1862] Well, no, I think he had had a few prior to that trip, did not realize it.

[1863] And he had a lot of blockage.

[1864] He was not getting enough oxygen.

[1865] Oh, man. Yeah, he was in a rough shape.

[1866] Speaking of, I have a current ailment.

[1867] What?

[1868] First of all, congratulations.

[1869] Thank you.

[1870] What is it?

[1871] I'm not sure.

[1872] I haven't been to the doctor.

[1873] Okay.

[1874] But I've now settled on some sort of ear infection.

[1875] Okay.

[1876] I thought maybe it was a sinus infection slash tumor.

[1877] That's always on the table.

[1878] It's on the table.

[1879] It's always on the table.

[1880] And I think it's an ear infection, but it's a pain.

[1881] So how is it representing itself?

[1882] Is your balance off?

[1883] No, no, no. Tons of pressure on this side of my head.

[1884] Oh.

[1885] And pain.

[1886] So I've been taking lots of Advil and a decongestant, and that's helping.

[1887] Which decongesting?

[1888] Zyrtec D. Perfect.

[1889] You're in safe hands.

[1890] I know.

[1891] We talked about Zyrtec once before.

[1892] Yeah.

[1893] And we got it.

[1894] We swear by it.

[1895] And then they sent us an enormous duffel bag full of Zertek.

[1896] It wasn't a duffel bag.

[1897] It was a trunk.

[1898] It was a trunk.

[1899] A huge trunk.

[1900] It got reduced down to a d. It's now a duffel bag under my coffee stand in my bathroom.

[1901] The bummer is, clearly it's illegal for them to send us D. Yeah, they can't.

[1902] That's what we want.

[1903] Well, they sent us gift cards to, buy D. How do those work and where are they?

[1904] And why don't we have a bunch of it?

[1905] One of them's in your, duffel bag?

[1906] Oh, I got to root through there.

[1907] It's an overwhelming duffel bag.

[1908] There's a couple trillion zirtex in there.

[1909] There really is.

[1910] It's just a regular gift card and then you just go to the pharmacy and get your D. Oh, that's that sweet D. Yummy, yummy D. I need to go because I'm running out because I've been taking it for the last week.

[1911] Yeah.

[1912] So when I was in Europe, I went into an Italian pharmacy and got just straight Sudafed.

[1913] It was gorgeous.

[1914] Oh, you got scared about what you mean it.

[1915] Well, I don't love it.

[1916] Sure.

[1917] No, but this is a suit of fat.

[1918] Okay.

[1919] They don't do anything wacky in Italy that I know of.

[1920] Well, also Italian pharmacies, I assume are like French pharmacies where they have all these different products that you can't get here.

[1921] They do.

[1922] And you know what else?

[1923] They're a doctor.

[1924] They can prescribe.

[1925] stuff to you.

[1926] Oh, my God.

[1927] I mean, I'm sure there's huge limitations on it.

[1928] You couldn't go in there on my back.

[1929] You know, give me some opiates, but I'm assuming you can't.

[1930] Listen, did you try?

[1931] No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm on the up and up.

[1932] I'm on the up and up.

[1933] I'll tell you I'll piss in a cup right now.

[1934] At any rate, I had been dealing with a heck of a sty on that trip.

[1935] Really?

[1936] Yeah, and it's been years since I had one.

[1937] Huh.

[1938] I hate them.

[1939] Do you ever get styes?

[1940] No, actually.

[1941] You can feel it on your eyeball all day long.

[1942] Every time you blank.

[1943] I didn't notice it when we were zooming.

[1944] It wasn't noticeable, but it was inside.

[1945] I bet it's still in there to some degree, but it's fine now.

[1946] And then I can never resist.

[1947] I was doing hot compress and then I got to squeeze a little bit.

[1948] I got to always see if I can get it to.

[1949] But here's the point of that.

[1950] I got through it.

[1951] It was a good 10 days of the trip.

[1952] I was uncomfortable with this style.

[1953] And the last day in Florence go in to the pharmacy and there's an old gal up at the register she's all american and she said i have a sty and the woman said oh yes imagine being in it handed her a medication for the stye and i was like what an idiot i could have you know i'm locked into the paradigm in the u .s where i would have to go into a fucking doctor which i hate this part of the u .s yeah we need a doctor to tell me i have a sty medicine.

[1954] Yeah, this is a problem with the American healthcare system.

[1955] Like, we require all these doctors appointments and doctors to do, like, kind of generic, easy diagnoses.

[1956] That's why I'm getting the cotterizer, so I can do my own dermological work.

[1957] Right.

[1958] Taking it into your own hands.

[1959] Same vein, yeah.

[1960] I'm fighting back.

[1961] Okay, that's good.

[1962] I've reached an age that in my life, I think, where I'm, like, curmudgeonly enough to start fighting back.

[1963] Like, this mask, you guys said there might be a mask mandate again.

[1964] And I'm like, no. I'm really afraid to tell you.

[1965] As you should have been.

[1966] And I'm like, no, not doing it.

[1967] Okay, but can I push back a little?

[1968] Not on the mask mandate, but on general pushback.

[1969] Do you want to be a person?

[1970] Okay.

[1971] Like my father who sleeps it up.

[1972] Honestly, that is the end of that sentence.

[1973] Like, do you want to be that person or do you want to be a person who's a little more open to hearing the youth who have their finger on the pulse?

[1974] You know, I'm not saying I'm that youth.

[1975] But, you know, I was listening to this one podcast and this guy was saying...

[1976] Stop listening to everyone else's podcast.

[1977] Every time you come in here, you're like pumping everyone's podcast.

[1978] Well, I like to hear...

[1979] Listen to our podcast, okay?

[1980] I am knee -deep in our podcast.

[1981] You do not have to worry.

[1982] We need the extra download.

[1983] Listen to ours.

[1984] We are not in trouble.

[1985] You get to our 12 shows a week.

[1986] Then you can go on.

[1987] That's what's happening.

[1988] Okay, okay.

[1989] Sorry, sorry.

[1990] Watch it.

[1991] Sorry.

[1992] I was listening to this podcast.

[1993] And he gets older.

[1994] Or Rogan.

[1995] I don't listen to our competitors.

[1996] he said when he gets, oh, fine, I'll shout it out.

[1997] Same podcast, I keep shouting it.

[1998] And actually, I'm going to keep shouting it out because because.

[1999] Until it overtakes us.

[2000] No, because a lot of people have been listening.

[2001] Yeah.

[2002] And it's so sweet because at the beginning of each episode, they'll, like, read a new little, like, listener comment, like, if someone knew who's listening.

[2003] And a lot of them are because of this.

[2004] And then, of course, I get some love because of it.

[2005] And I like, being loved.

[2006] Look, I just hope they're scratching our back, too.

[2007] I hope they're popping off about how good this show is and how people should check it out.

[2008] I've yet to have to read that comment.

[2009] Well, they're also part of the reason we're here.

[2010] Well, I love them.

[2011] Exactly.

[2012] Okay, so nobody's listening, right?

[2013] That's the podcast.

[2014] Hold on, though.

[2015] I wish everyone well.

[2016] I truly do.

[2017] This is a space I haven't been that competitive in compared to how I felt in movies and TV show.

[2018] Yeah, yeah.

[2019] Well, also just, I hope, because you're having fun with me. Of course.

[2020] Well, it's not about you per se.

[2021] Oh, I'm making it about me. Okay, okay.

[2022] If you're having fun with me, you shouldn't care.

[2023] Well, I would like to have fun with you and also have listeners.

[2024] We do.

[2025] I know.

[2026] Would you rather have listeners and not have fun with me?

[2027] Would I rather have, oh, Jesus, that's what you're, that's your ultimatum.

[2028] Yeah, I want to hear.

[2029] We have to introduce a little bit of reality to this.

[2030] Okay.

[2031] If we have zero listeners, you and I can't, as an occupation, just have fun.

[2032] Why?

[2033] Because it doesn't pay the bills.

[2034] We can do other stuff for the bills.

[2035] Well, then we're going to be busy doing that other stuff.

[2036] So we have to have listeners so we can have fun.

[2037] Okay, so your ultimatum is like one rules out the other.

[2038] It negates the other.

[2039] Mutually exclusive?

[2040] Yes.

[2041] No, I don't think so.

[2042] I think I would want to do this.

[2043] Well, we already did it.

[2044] We just wouldn't have microphones.

[2045] You and I sit around And we debate each other And we have fun chit chatting So we already did it There just want to be microphones If we're going to introduce microphones Well by God we should have some listeners That way we can do it as a career I just think It's in our contract Easter egg Thursday's episode We have a contract with the audience And it's in our contract That you guys are listening to a show That would happen whether you're here or not Yes but that's implicit in it Because it was already happening before we put microphones in front of our faces.

[2046] I know.

[2047] I just want to reiterate.

[2048] Okay.

[2049] Back to the spectrum.

[2050] Now, you've put my father, I don't know.

[2051] It's like you've kind of placed my father in the middle of the spectrum.

[2052] My father's on the end of the spectrum where he's like falling asleep in hot tubs.

[2053] I know, but I'm saying, okay, nobody's listening, right?

[2054] Andy said, I just know myself.

[2055] I know how adults work.

[2056] The older they get, the more stuck in the ways they get.

[2057] They get more crumagony.

[2058] That's just what happens.

[2059] Of course.

[2060] I'm aware of it.

[2061] So I'm just going to have my kids.

[2062] tell me who to vote for.

[2063] And I'm going to just take that blanketly because they know.

[2064] And I have to be aware that I don't.

[2065] And I was like, that's really smart.

[2066] Well, it's too broad.

[2067] Why?

[2068] It truly is.

[2069] Why?

[2070] Because there are smart kids and there are done kids.

[2071] Your kids that you're raising, that you hope you're instilling your values in.

[2072] I'm inclined to believe them, but they might become socialist in college.

[2073] And maybe that's what's going to be the thing to, maybe that's right then.

[2074] That's never going to be the thing to do.

[2075] already there.

[2076] I'm telling you, us as a socialist country is not the way forward.

[2077] Or we have no patents anymore and we don't create any new industries and we don't.

[2078] There's a lot.

[2079] Look, we need to fix capitalism, but state -owned industries?

[2080] No, I'm totally against it.

[2081] Okay.

[2082] Now, onwards to, yes, youth has a role and old people have a role.

[2083] You can't say one is good and one is bad or that it should be one to be listened to.

[2084] Older people have wisdom.

[2085] that is relevant to the youth.

[2086] And then the youth have an optimism and a belief in change that is helpful to me. And a finger on the current pulse that we do get a little bit separated from the older we get.

[2087] Yeah, but it's an interesting thought, which is like it's a democracy, right?

[2088] So majority's supposed to rule.

[2089] And just because people are young doesn't mean they have more of a right to anything.

[2090] So if the majority of the country's old, then that country should be, enacting all the things those old people want.

[2091] That's what a democracy is.

[2092] That the majority gets the way we're operating.

[2093] That's not the way our government operates.

[2094] In theory, yes, but not really.

[2095] I'm just saying the vote is a vote, and you can't say that the youth vote is more important than the old person vote.

[2096] It's just, it's a democracy.

[2097] And so the majority's going to rule.

[2098] That's the premise.

[2099] Yeah, but that's in a perfect world.

[2100] We don't live in one.

[2101] So the youth rallies to fix some of these problems.

[2102] Look, the youth is great.

[2103] They're very fucking flawed.

[2104] Oh, you hate the youth.

[2105] I love the youth and they're flawed like every other demographic.

[2106] Yeah, of course.

[2107] Everyone is.

[2108] You go and talk to college kids.

[2109] They believe that there's a world that's going to happen, which thank God they do, because they're going to fight for that world.

[2110] But they're going to get about 51 % to where they want to go because there's a reality on planet Earth.

[2111] And as an older person, I now recognize that.

[2112] So I might strategically be helpful to them.

[2113] I'm like, you're not going to get X, Y, and C. Why don't you really focus in on this?

[2114] Whatever, we're all needed.

[2115] Just like all the perspectives are needed.

[2116] We all need to listen to each other.

[2117] We all need to compromise.

[2118] And that's great.

[2119] Okay.

[2120] But no way do you just turn over the vote to the youth.

[2121] That's the preposterous.

[2122] But your dad was older than you and had wisdom and was like, I'm going to, I'm not going to die in this.

[2123] Well, exactly.

[2124] I would listen to my mother, who she's going to vote for before I would listen to my kids, currently.

[2125] Absolutely.

[2126] Well, currently, they're babies.

[2127] And honestly, I would listen to your kids before I listen to...

[2128] I would listen to your father.

[2129] Your father's forgotten...

[2130] I trust what your father has to say about who to vote for way more than you.

[2131] Hey!

[2132] It's true.

[2133] Why?

[2134] Why?

[2135] The guy is a savant.

[2136] He listens to every candidate and every speech.

[2137] He knows...

[2138] Come on, you got to acknowledge your...

[2139] That's a ding, ding, ding.

[2140] Okay, what is it?

[2141] Because savant, you've been saying that a lot lately.

[2142] Yeah.

[2143] And I've been wanting to look up.

[2144] Will you look it up, Rob?

[2145] Are we allowed to say that?

[2146] Yes, you can't say idiot Savon.

[2147] Right, that I know.

[2148] That's been gone for a while.

[2149] Savon is somebody has a super unique gift at something.

[2150] It's not an inherently pejorative.

[2151] I don't think so, but I just wanted to check.

[2152] I'm not saying anything saying we can't.

[2153] Okay, great.

[2154] Then we can.

[2155] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2156] I just wanted to double check because I'm the youth who wants to double check.

[2157] Okay, great.

[2158] I'm glad we compromised.

[2159] We double checked and I was right because I have wisdom.

[2160] So look at that.

[2161] Oh, my gosh.

[2162] All right, so travel safe.

[2163] You're going to stick with it.

[2164] Stinging with it.

[2165] Okay, there aren't very many facts, so I guess it's good that we took a little jaunt there.

[2166] Do you trust Obama's opinion on who to vote for?

[2167] Yeah.

[2168] Yeah.

[2169] Well, I'd have to hear it.

[2170] Like, I don't, not blindly.

[2171] I just wonder, do you think, I wish we knew an 18 -year -old.

[2172] We don't even know an 18 -year -old, do we?

[2173] But no, we can't pick random people like that.

[2174] Those are specific.

[2175] I'm sorry, we can't pick specific.

[2176] You can't say specifically Barack Obama and then any old 18 -year -old.

[2177] Well, I'm proving the point that what he said was way too broad.

[2178] Again, he's also not saying I'll take the general youth opinion.

[2179] He's saying my children, who I'm raising, who I believe I'm raising with good values.

[2180] I'm going to listen to them when I'm going to listen to them when I'm.

[2181] I'm 70, and I am, like, drowning in the hot tub.

[2182] I hear you, but a good percentage of the youth is eating tied pods to get high.

[2183] Yes.

[2184] So, and they're doing chug -em or whatever the thing is, they're pooping a thing and make it up, jank them.

[2185] Jank them, yeah, and they're doing butt chugs.

[2186] I mean, look.

[2187] You love butt chugs.

[2188] No, I regret having never done butt chugs.

[2189] Exactly.

[2190] Or having cocaine blown up my ass.

[2191] They have more wisdom than you on butt chugs.

[2192] And what is that?

[2193] What is that?

[2194] That's people pouring alcohol up their ass and then letting their intestines absorb it.

[2195] What's jank them?

[2196] That's a drug you can make out of pooping and jug.

[2197] Yeah, it's like you ferment your own shit and urine and then like, suck the fumes.

[2198] Yeah, just the fumes.

[2199] Wow.

[2200] Just the fumes.

[2201] Just the tip.

[2202] Cheesh.

[2203] Okay.

[2204] All right.

[2205] I feel bad because I keep giving facts for Thursdays.

[2206] Uh -huh.

[2207] But I can't help myself.

[2208] Oh, who's on Thursday?

[2209] Malcolm.

[2210] Why isn't he on Monday?

[2211] Because we needed a Thursday, I guess.

[2212] Oh, okay.

[2213] That's right.

[2214] That makes great.

[2215] And I was doing a fact check for him.

[2216] For him.

[2217] In it, I found he doesn't know how to swim, just like me. No. Yeah.

[2218] Wait.

[2219] Hold that.

[2220] First of all, it's so flawed.

[2221] You can swim.

[2222] I've observed it.

[2223] Why are you certain he can't swim?

[2224] Because on his Twitter, I was searching his Twitter.

[2225] for Easter egg, something next week.

[2226] And I found it.

[2227] But while I was searching, I was like scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.

[2228] And someone had asked him a question, why don't you do triathlons?

[2229] Oh.

[2230] And he said, I can't swim.

[2231] Okay, but, okay, you've done some very bad detective work, I got to say.

[2232] The youth is, once again, showing their lack of wisdom.

[2233] I'm not youth.

[2234] I'm middle -aged.

[2235] What he probably means is he can't swim competitively.

[2236] He's not great at it.

[2237] I'm pretty certain Malcolm can swim.

[2238] We, but I'll find out by Thursday.

[2239] Anywho.

[2240] Okay.

[2241] So, a fact.

[2242] Can you get your...

[2243] Who is this for?

[2244] John Early.

[2245] Okay, an hour later.

[2246] John Early.

[2247] Oh, Jill, very late on the John Early.

[2248] Oh, yeah.

[2249] Duck, Doug, Goose.

[2250] Oh, my God.

[2251] You know what's so fun?

[2252] Today, when I posted about R .L. Stein, I got to put duck, duck, Oh, really?

[2253] good job.

[2254] Thanks.

[2255] I was happy about that.

[2256] Okay.

[2257] Can you get your ministry revoked?

[2258] Um, of course.

[2259] It's hard to do, but you can get your ordination revoked if you've done really bad stuff.

[2260] How?

[2261] That website's going to track one of...

[2262] No, not you, but like a real...

[2263] Oh, yeah, but I think we were talking about the internet kind, weren't we?

[2264] No, no, we were talking about his parents.

[2265] Oh.

[2266] Yeah.

[2267] Okay.

[2268] Who is the person that maybe Kristen's roommate slash old college roommate went to Vanderbilt Divinity School.

[2269] I came up pretty nil.

[2270] I did ask Kristen, did she have any roommates that then went to Divinity School?

[2271] And she said, I don't think so.

[2272] I had a roommate named Diany or Dianni or Diany, but she doesn't know what she ended up doing with the rest of her life.

[2273] So it's possible.

[2274] And she said, my only other roommate that she could remember was a girl named Mary Ellen.

[2275] She doesn't remember anyone's last name.

[2276] Well, I was going to say, this is well established, so this is not a burn.

[2277] I'm not talking out of school.

[2278] Kristen's the worst person to ask to find out something about Kristen.

[2279] That's true.

[2280] But in this case, she was my only option.

[2281] Right.

[2282] Yeah.

[2283] And she did pretty good recalling Mary Ellen and Dianney.

[2284] But if it's the first time I'm hearing any of those names.

[2285] Same.

[2286] That's why I was kind of like, wow.

[2287] I don't think she's making it.

[2288] Up.

[2289] I think she believes that.

[2290] I just, I don't know.

[2291] I've never heard those names.

[2292] Me either.

[2293] And I think I know almost the full timeline.

[2294] I know a lot of it.

[2295] Who are all these rooms?

[2296] Where was she living all these times?

[2297] She said she had these roommates.

[2298] Okay.

[2299] All right.

[2300] Anyway, and John never reconfirmed his side of the story either.

[2301] So that's just going to remain a mystery for a bit.

[2302] By the way, my eyesight's all the way good again.

[2303] Oh, I thought you were going to say bad like mine.

[2304] No, it's completely back.

[2305] What do you mean?

[2306] It was bad?

[2307] Yes, you know, it's blurry.

[2308] I've been complaining about it being blurry, and I'm wearing my eye patch I was all the time.

[2309] No need now.

[2310] It's crystal clear.

[2311] Because of the patch?

[2312] I don't know.

[2313] We're going to see if it returns.

[2314] I was like, oh, it's it from testosterone?

[2315] My eye muscle's too strong.

[2316] I don't think it's that.

[2317] What could be related?

[2318] I don't know.

[2319] It could just be the testosterone made it weak.

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] I don't know.

[2322] I never heard that outcome.

[2323] Let's ask the youth Now here's where I am like my dad Like I like it So I'm gonna be able to ignore anything negative that Yeah That's most people Yeah Yeah you're like worried about travel And you bathe all the time And you have epilepsy I don't bathe all the time Because I don't have a good tub But I will bathe again You know I didn't get to do a thing I wanted to do Which was swim in your pool While you were gone to practice Well do you see that would not have been possible Have you seen my pool recently?

[2324] Yeah, there's a, there's a big mess with your pool cover.

[2325] Yeah.

[2326] Pretty good, though.

[2327] It made it, made it eight months.

[2328] I don't want to be mean because I really like the man who I deal with.

[2329] He's not listening.

[2330] He's listening to Elizabeth and Andy's podcast, but he's not listening to this.

[2331] It was because you drove him there.

[2332] Maybe that's a good technique, I guess.

[2333] You can drive all of our friends away and then I can say whatever I want about them.

[2334] But no, I love the man who I deal with for the pool stuff.

[2335] Would you recommend him for my pool?

[2336] I love him, okay?

[2337] Did you get in a big fight with him once?

[2338] No. Oh, that's a different person.

[2339] That could be anyone.

[2340] I don't know.

[2341] Maybe I did.

[2342] I had a pretty epic fight in Austria.

[2343] You did?

[2344] Yeah.

[2345] What happened?

[2346] We drove to this town, Hallstatt, which is unbelievable.

[2347] Ding, ding, ding.

[2348] Kristen's place, when I asked her what her favorite thing was, she said Hallstatt.

[2349] Yep.

[2350] It looks like Annandor.

[2351] Ellen, or.

[2352] Nope.

[2353] Edendale.

[2354] Arundale.

[2355] There we go.

[2356] You said that like you knew it all.

[2357] So we pull up to Arundale and it was a long -ass drive.

[2358] And so the kids have been in the car, right?

[2359] And then Eric and I get out.

[2360] Everyone's got to pee.

[2361] We're in a paid parking lot.

[2362] By the way, this is my fucking grievance with David Ferry.

[2363] I can't wait to light him up the next time we're all together.

[2364] Okay.

[2365] But the bathrooms fucking suck everywhere.

[2366] He's full of shit.

[2367] The American bathrooms are.

[2368] tenfold better a they're just not as available that's not true there's a catrillion starbucks and stores and burger kings and mcdonald i did bring this up on that and the bathrooms everywhere in europe smell fucking terrible there's water everywhere they're disgusting yeah okay i love europe i love everywhere i was at but i got to tell you the fucking public bathroom suck okay get into this parking lot it's a fortune to park there that's okay just to pee no no to park.

[2369] Oh, to walk around the city.

[2370] Yeah.

[2371] So then we walk and then we get up to the bathroom at the parking spot.

[2372] There's fucking turnstoles, which by the way, they were turnstools everywhere.

[2373] So David Ferrier, bullshit.

[2374] There may be toilets, but you got to pay for them everywhere.

[2375] So we don't have coin euros.

[2376] So the only way you could get through the turnstil was with fucking coin euros.

[2377] There's no credit card thing.

[2378] There's no, you can't put dollars in or paper euros in.

[2379] Well, we don't have them and we have four kids who've got to pee and we got a pee.

[2380] So I just start lifting kids over the turnstalls and this guy comes out.

[2381] This is, you'll love this.

[2382] This motherfucker comes out of the handicapped bathroom, which they give apparently people in Europe.

[2383] Everyone has a key if you're handicapped.

[2384] So the handicapped bathrooms you don't have to pay for, but you have to have a key.

[2385] So the dude working there is already in the handicapped bathroom.

[2386] He's not a handicapped.

[2387] He comes a no, no, no, no. He starts yelling.

[2388] And I, of course, immediately piss.

[2389] and I go get real man we're already fucking paying to park here a ton so don't fucking yell at my kids don't yell you know yeah he and I didn't we get into it I'm so offended that you're gonna fucking be mad that four little kids just went to the bathroom and this plot we're already paying a shit load for and you motherfucker just came out of the handicapped stall yeah get over yourself I'm pointing that out to him this is the embarrassing part he was handicapped oh no no he was healthy as a horse did he showed us He showed you as ailment.

[2390] This was getting heated.

[2391] This is where it got embarrassing.

[2392] I mean, it's bad enough I'm doing it in front of Molly and Eric.

[2393] Kristen's seen this side.

[2394] I mean, the kids less so.

[2395] The kids were really, they've only seen a handful of me kind of getting angry at other adults.

[2396] This nice couple, they come over in the middle of this fight and they say, Dex, it's not worth fight.

[2397] They knew you?

[2398] Yes.

[2399] Yes.

[2400] Oh, my gosh.

[2401] So, I mean, and they looked like armcherrys to me. They were nice and they handed me coins.

[2402] And then I was deeply humiliated that this is the version of me they saw.

[2403] Well, you know, that's my trick for you.

[2404] I've told you that a million times.

[2405] I know, but it's hard to say in Europe.

[2406] I'm not like I'm looking around thinking everyone's an arm cherry in Europe.

[2407] I know, but you got to.

[2408] They're everywhere.

[2409] But they knew me and it snapped me back into like look home behaving in public.

[2410] And these people and they said like, it's not worth getting angry about.

[2411] That's what they said.

[2412] They were trying to protect.

[2413] The fact that I was getting, it was so embarrassing.

[2414] What if you look to the guy's, what if you look to the guy's phone and he was listening to the podcast?

[2415] Oh, then I would have to be careful.

[2416] They're going to go to nobody's listening, right?

[2417] Because they always have fucking dollar coins for their kids to be.

[2418] I thanked them profusely.

[2419] I showed them my nice side.

[2420] I wanted to kill that guy.

[2421] He was such a prick.

[2422] His fucking job was to sit there and monitor the bathroom when he wasn't using the handicapped bathroom.

[2423] That's very frustrating.

[2424] It was.

[2425] well we make mistakes yeah you regret it no my kids had to go to the bathroom but you regret that behavior i don't he came on like a mad hatter he he he reaped what he sowed but it is those people are right it's just not worth it's not oh that part is true but do i feel bad for that guy not at all i've zero regrets about telling that guy he was an asshole but the guy is an asshole yeah i don't seen that, too.

[2426] It's just tricky.

[2427] I have to think sometimes, like...

[2428] I can make the argument for him.

[2429] That's his job.

[2430] And you have to pay.

[2431] Yeah.

[2432] Those are the facts.

[2433] And he has no power, no control, no, nothing.

[2434] He might have owned that lot.

[2435] A guy could have been rich as hell.

[2436] And then he was just a miser.

[2437] Is that a word?

[2438] Yeah, that's a word.

[2439] Is that a bad word?

[2440] Oh, it might be a bad word.

[2441] Can't win.

[2442] Anywho.

[2443] Anyway, all right.

[2444] Well, he makes mistakes.

[2445] That was a lot.

[2446] John Early?

[2447] We loved him.

[2448] Loved him.

[2449] So fun.

[2450] So fun.

[2451] It's kind of fun when you, when someone has a comedic persona.

[2452] Yeah.

[2453] Oh, he plays similar braddy.

[2454] As I said, he has specific characters, yeah.

[2455] Yeah, yeah.

[2456] And then he's just a sweet, soft Southern boy in real life.

[2457] Really nice getting to know him.

[2458] I wish him well of his back recovery.

[2459] Ooh, me too.

[2460] All right.

[2461] I love you.

[2462] I love you.

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