Jane Lynch

[0] Hi, my name is Jane Lynch, and I feel chosen and honored about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] You know what?

[2] You just messed up my last name, Jane.

[3] I know.

[4] I've been in this business for 28 years, and you called me Conan O 'Bion.

[5] And I'm Irish, too.

[6] I should know how to say that.

[7] That indicates to me that this doesn't mean that much to you.

[8] It actually does.

[9] You know, I'm friends with people I don't even like.

[10] Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

[11] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[12] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[13] Hello, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[14] I am the aforementioned Conan O 'Brien.

[15] I really do need a friend.

[16] That is not a joke.

[17] but thrilled to be here today with our stalwart producer, Matt Gourley.

[18] Matt, how are you?

[19] I'm good.

[20] How are you, Conan?

[21] I'm doing very well.

[22] And, of course, the woman of the hour, Sona Mouvestesian.

[23] How are you, Sona?

[24] I'm fine.

[25] Can I ask you a question?

[26] We revealed big news on the podcast, which is that you are pregnant with twins.

[27] Yeah.

[28] You talked about it on the podcast.

[29] Has anyone heard about it through the podcast who didn't know in your immediate circle?

[30] or did you manage to get to everyone first?

[31] Because I would think that would be socially awkward if, say, your mom heard it on the podcast, but you hadn't told her.

[32] Or tack.

[33] Yeah, your husband, tack.

[34] He's driving on the freeway, listening to the butt, catching up.

[35] And he drives into a barn.

[36] What?

[37] Yeah, there were a few people we forgot to tell.

[38] And that's how we found out was they texted us and they're like, you're pregnant with twins?

[39] And you didn't tell us?

[40] Well, this is a good way to find out who listens to the podcast.

[41] I know.

[42] Who really listens.

[43] I mean, they listen because they're my friends and they care about me. Also, I guess they're fans of Conan's, whatever.

[44] Yeah, let's get, I'm sorry, let's do a quick correction there.

[45] They can call you any time, but if they want the pure liquid comedy gold, they've got to come to the fountain of said gold.

[46] Conan O 'Brien, and you play a part, you're there with your ladle, and Gorley, you're there with your little cup to get some of the liquid gold and splash it around but just a little thimble a little thimble but uh that's why your friends are tuning in you think my friends are tuning in because of you instead of me yes i think they can talk to you any time but they're like oh my god is he on that podcast with you my my my my my god my god god god and then they listen and then they hear you too and then they find out that you're pregnant and they called it they call you anyway this is fun brief look into my mind uh yep Sona, how's it all going?

[47] How's your mom handling this news?

[48] She has been waiting.

[49] I mean, I've known you for many years, and for years she wanted you to get married.

[50] I mean, to the point where it was like, just anybody, you know?

[51] Okay, calm down.

[52] It wasn't that bad.

[53] It was just, you know, she was getting a little restless, but she wasn't like, anything you bring home, just marry it.

[54] You and I did a segment in Armenia where I took you to a woman who matched Armenian men with women.

[55] Did you not?

[56] Yes, we did.

[57] And you seriously considered some of those men and many of them were in their...

[58] No, I didn't!

[59] They were in their 60s.

[60] Oh my God!

[61] They were all like...

[62] And also, I think that they...

[63] I think matchmaking is looked down upon in Armenia.

[64] And so they had all either gone to prison, or they had like five kids.

[65] You can probably look up this segment online, but I took Sona to this little house in Armenia in, and this woman was...

[66] showing you people.

[67] And she'd show us a picture and it was this guy who maybe was, I want to say conservatively 65 or 70.

[68] And look like he'd been in a fight and lost multiple times.

[69] And then she would say, this guy's good, this guy's good.

[70] Now there is a problem.

[71] She would always say there is a problem.

[72] We would go, what?

[73] And then she would talk about he was in prison.

[74] For what?

[75] Well, this is the best part.

[76] I have followed up and I said, in prison for what?

[77] And she said, I can't remember he was eating with somebody and they had an argument and he stabbed him with his fork.

[78] And I'm looking at this guy who looks like a pirate long after the ship went down.

[79] And he stabbed someone at a meal who was his friend.

[80] So watch what you say at the wedding dinner to this guy.

[81] So anyway, no, I'm, I jest, but you married this, the perfect guy.

[82] Yeah, I can never remember his last name, so I just add an Eesian to his first name, which is Tachkijian.

[83] Yes, which is not his name, but yeah, Tachphoroyan.

[84] Yeah, Tukesian.

[85] That's not how Armenian names work.

[86] You don't just add an E .N at the end of their first name.

[87] Well, they all have an E .N at the end of their last name, right?

[88] They do, but it's not like...

[89] I'm suggesting to the Armenian people lose the middleman, just add an Ean to the back of your first name.

[90] So it's Taktikisian.

[91] It doesn't make sense.

[92] I'd be Conan Koninian.

[93] Yeah, you could pass for Armenian.

[94] I could be an Armenian man who's very ill. It's very ill. And then I go on that website that that woman has.

[95] There's one problem.

[96] One problem with Conan Conan.

[97] What's that?

[98] Very sick.

[99] Very, very sick Armenian man. Is he alive?

[100] Barely.

[101] He's barely alive.

[102] In this photo, he's actually been stapled to the wall so that it looks like he can stand on his own.

[103] Well, I'm glad.

[104] I'm glad the word's getting out.

[105] We're all very excited.

[106] And that will be something that we talk about on the podcast in real time.

[107] You know, the choosing of the names.

[108] I'm sure that's going to be something.

[109] Yeah, we'll be voting on that, right?

[110] Yeah.

[111] The listeners will decide.

[112] What are some suggestions?

[113] Don't say Conan and Matt.

[114] Matt and Conan.

[115] Yeah, there you go.

[116] Okay, that one works.

[117] Wow.

[118] It's exciting.

[119] Is there pressure on you to name one of these children after someone in your family?

[120] I'd like to.

[121] I, you know, I love my dad, but his name is, we all call him Gil, but his full name is Gilbank.

[122] Yeah, you can love your dad, but then there's a limit.

[123] Oh, Gilbank!

[124] So his name is Gilbank, Gilbankian?

[125] That's not how the names work.

[126] It's just Gilbanks.

[127] We've established that it's the way the names should work.

[128] Okay.

[129] Anyway, no, it's not going to be Gilbank.

[130] We'll figure it out.

[131] I'm on it.

[132] I'm going to get you two great names.

[133] He knows a guy.

[134] Stay tuned.

[135] I know what he did do.

[136] I know a guy.

[137] Sells names out of the back of a van.

[138] Yeah.

[139] He's got some great names.

[140] Where do you think my dad got Conan?

[141] Hey, hey, Doc.

[142] You want a name?

[143] You want Conan?

[144] No one will believe it.

[145] He'll probably do something great with it.

[146] What if you just name one of him, Ian?

[147] And then you've got that Armenian suffix just built in.

[148] Ian Eenian.

[149] It's Ian Ian Ian?

[150] It's just not Ian Ian Ian?

[151] All right.

[152] Listen, this podcast, we need to, we need, it needs heavy editing.

[153] Yeah.

[154] I think we lost our way quite a while ago.

[155] Yeah.

[156] But congratulations, Sona, very happy for you.

[157] And we'll check in in real time.

[158] Very excited.

[159] And very excited for the live podcast we are going to do as Sona gives birth.

[160] Very excited about that.

[161] Very excited about that.

[162] It's going to be an engineering feat.

[163] Yes, we got already got a lot of special sponsors for that.

[164] that one, so it's going to be very exciting.

[165] It's going to be nice.

[166] Not happening.

[167] All done.

[168] Contractual obligation, have to do it.

[169] No way.

[170] What?

[171] I didn't sign a contract.

[172] Yes, you did.

[173] Michelle Obama's coming back.

[174] Michelle Obama's going to be there.

[175] Do commentary for the live birth.

[176] It's a great use of her time.

[177] Mrs. Obama, yes.

[178] I know you're busy.

[179] But we haven't asked from the Conan people.

[180] Conan O 'Brien.

[181] The host, yes.

[182] He's got a pot.

[183] Yes, you've done it.

[184] Okay, well, anyway, they want you present to...

[185] Jesus.

[186] Anyway, I'm sure that's a yes.

[187] I'm so certain of it.

[188] All right, well, we should get started.

[189] We have such a fantastic show today.

[190] Love our guest.

[191] My guest today, of course, an Emmy and Golden Globe award -winning actress who starred as Sue Sylvester in the Fox series Glee.

[192] You also know her from such movies as Best in Show and the 40 -year -old Virgin.

[193] Now she's the host of weakest, Link on NBC.

[194] I adore her.

[195] I'm thrilled.

[196] She's with us today.

[197] Jane Lynch, welcome.

[198] It's like a trophy on my mantle that people want to be my friend.

[199] I have chosen you, but to be perfectly honest, I also chose.

[200] I think how many of these have I done so far?

[201] Like three seasons with 36 episodes each.

[202] I don't care.

[203] You don't care at all.

[204] I don't care.

[205] I just hope it lasts past this podcast, and I have a feeling it won't.

[206] Listen, if it did, you would be the first because what I have found, and that's not my choice, I want to have friends.

[207] I have found that a lot of people are very hot to trot to use a saying that's out there with the kids right now when I'm actually talking to them on the podcast.

[208] And then when it's over, it's dead.

[209] They drop the mic and they move on.

[210] Yeah, yeah.

[211] There's no loyalty.

[212] There's, yeah, there's no staying connection.

[213] And so I have helps for you because, as you know, I've interviewed you many times.

[214] I've seen you socially.

[215] I've come to your house when you asked me not to.

[216] I am, and I've been a fan of yours for so, so long.

[217] You are mind -bogglingly funny.

[218] I'm going back to your first appearances on, you know, two and a half men.

[219] And I know that you had been a working actor for a long time, but when you were playing the therapist on that show, So anytime I would see you on camera, I would think, oh, my God, she's funny.

[220] And this is before I got to know you at all.

[221] Oh, thank you.

[222] That's really nice of you to say.

[223] Well, it's true.

[224] And I hope you mean it.

[225] I'm reading off something I wrote on my hand a while ago.

[226] I say that to all my guess.

[227] It's been three and a half seasons, and I say to everyone, I loved you on two and a half men.

[228] And you know what, 85 % of the time, it works.

[229] Because so many people have walked through that show.

[230] No, seriously, you have, I think you have one of the best deadpans in comedy.

[231] When you are staring someone down, it is absolutely incredible.

[232] And then, you know, just again, as I talked to you about this once, but maybe the hardest I've laughed at a television character in a long time was when you showed up as Sue Sylvester on Glee.

[233] Oh, thank you.

[234] It was certainly an absolute joy.

[235] to do, you know.

[236] And it was one of those things where the, the guy who wrote it, Ian Brennan is basically, it was Sue Sylvester was his brainchild.

[237] And we're both from Chicago and we're both from these Irish Catholic families.

[238] And I think there was something, there's a real dark side that we don't, that you don't necessarily associate with the kind of the Irish.

[239] But we kind of shared that.

[240] Yes.

[241] Well, guess what?

[242] I know exactly what you're talking about.

[243] I bet you do, Conan Obama.

[244] Which is there's a, and I didn't know this, I didn't know that you are truly, I mean, your grandmother emigrated from Ireland.

[245] And grandfather, yeah.

[246] And grandfather, you know, my people came over.

[247] We were the only Irish immigrants that got here before the pilgrims.

[248] We got here.

[249] We had to carry their bags, meet the boat and carry their bags off the boat.

[250] I was going to say someone had to cook them.

[251] All right, son.

[252] Come on in.

[253] Here you go.

[254] All right, right this way.

[255] That's Primuth Rock right there.

[256] But you, so you've got that hardcore Irish thing, which I know darkness comes, there's darkness in there.

[257] And that's what I associate.

[258] It's a very Irish treat.

[259] Treat.

[260] Treat.

[261] It's a trait.

[262] It's not really a treat.

[263] It's not a treat from a treat.

[264] It's not a treat of a trait.

[265] It's a horrible It's a horrible.

[266] Freudian slip.

[267] It really is a treat to watch others suffer.

[268] But I'm thinking of the time, Sue Sylvester.

[269] I can't remember the context.

[270] You kind of, there was an episode fairly early on where you let your freak flag fly, your character decided to just let it go, and you put on a zoot suit and did a crazy dance.

[271] I can't remember what the context was, but it was one of the funniest things I had seen.

[272] I was trying to turn on my boyfriend, the guy who was the local news guy.

[273] Yes, yes.

[274] And we played battleship together, and then I found out that he really loved, he loved like 50s, you know, a music, kind of like the jazz.

[275] bluesy stuff.

[276] And so she put on a zoot suit trying to turn him on and it didn't work.

[277] And she did this, you did this insane dance in a zoot suit.

[278] And it was so great because Sue Sylvester, who's kind of an invulnerable character, talk about armor.

[279] And you had decided to just put it all out there.

[280] And it was, it was just a complete miss. And in a way someone who is completely defended would do it.

[281] You know, having no, absolutely, no sense of how to actually be vulnerable that you, you know, you're kind of basically walking around almost nude with absolutely no protection.

[282] Yes.

[283] My glee story that involves Sona, we were in another part of the world far away.

[284] Were we in India, Sona?

[285] We were in Dubai.

[286] In Dubai.

[287] Oh, wow.

[288] We were in Dubai together, and I was, I think I was working for the military at the time.

[289] That wasn't it, no. Military intelligence, yeah.

[290] So Sona was with me and we're flying back and I'm looking out the window as I do and I'm checking the map to see where we are.

[291] And I see that we're crossing the Russian steps.

[292] And then I see that we're crossing this town at Kactienburg, which is where the Tsar's family, the czar and his family were murdered.

[293] And I mean, we're like, we're like, whatever, 30 ,000 feet above it.

[294] You can't really see anything.

[295] But I'm like, Sona, Sona, get over here.

[296] Look out the window.

[297] And Sona, look out the window.

[298] We're over Russia.

[299] Look down there as a Kattenberg.

[300] And Sona was wrapped up practically with a blanket over her head.

[301] And she had missed the entire, like first, she'd missed all the excitement about Glee.

[302] So she was binge watching the whole thing and howling.

[303] And I said, push pause.

[304] She's like, no, I'm watching Glee.

[305] And I said, Sona, we're crossing the Russian steps.

[306] This is the Russian steps.

[307] This is historic.

[308] Down there is at Katgenberg.

[309] She's like, I'm watching Gleck.

[310] Go away!

[311] Go away!

[312] And, like, put the blanket back over her head.

[313] Yep.

[314] I think I made the right decision.

[315] I think you did, too.

[316] Russia, smusha.

[317] Yeah, really.

[318] That's some dark stuff.

[319] Yeah.

[320] But anyway, I, um, the anger of Sue Sylvester, I know, and I am not an actor, and I don't pretend to know anything about acting, but I know that has to come from somewhere.

[321] Yeah, like that seething rage.

[322] And, um, uh, I mean, I definitely, that's just, you scratch the surface of me, and you will find that seething rage, it's, it's in there.

[323] And I'd love to be able to access that and throw a track suit on it, which was basically her armor.

[324] You know, it was like her uniform.

[325] And, you know, she lived in her own action hero movie that she narrated in her own head about how she was victimized and wronged and she was out to save the world.

[326] She would have been storming that capital on January 6th.

[327] That's what I was actually thinking about, is that Everything you're describing.

[328] Zip ties.

[329] Yes.

[330] In full camo, track suit.

[331] Right.

[332] Cue and on.

[333] This is all, you know, because Stu Sevast would be very comfortable in a world where people live through their own false narrative.

[334] And that would be for you.

[335] And she would have found a lot of people to line up with the narrative.

[336] Absolutely.

[337] And she would be, you know, be carrying the Trump -Pence flag, beating the hell out of coffee.

[338] So here's the question, because you are, I know you to be a very, lovely person.

[339] Where does this anger come from?

[340] And I ask because I grew up in a nice place and I was surrounded by nice people and I had enough to eat.

[341] And I remember just being very angry as a young man and thinking, why am I so mad?

[342] What was I so mad about?

[343] What were you mad about?

[344] You know, that's so funny.

[345] It feels like it's so far away.

[346] But I mean, I devoted the first four or five years of therapy working through this.

[347] And even my therapist said, I don't know where this is coming from because I had these really great parents who loved me. And we, you know, there was really no reason for it.

[348] But I had like this whole thing about how it was basically about rules.

[349] I actually did a character.

[350] I did a monologue in therapy.

[351] She said, come back, write that down called the angry lady.

[352] And it was about how people don't follow rules.

[353] You know, when you, when you're Driving, you should indicate your intention to turn, and some people don't, and it drives me mad.

[354] It was about following rules, and, like, we all agree on these rules, and we need to all abide by them.

[355] We have laws for a reason.

[356] I mean, I went nuts about that stuff.

[357] It's so funny that your therapist said, I want you to come back and act out basically a one -woman show, and you're this known, talented, famous, improvised.

[358] No, no, no, no. I mean, she knew I was an actor, but I wasn't that.

[359] In fact, that character, the angry lady, I ended up doing a one -person show like everybody was doing in the late 90s.

[360] And she was my one of my characters throughout the show was the angry lady.

[361] And she wore a neck brace and had an eye patch because she was always hurting herself.

[362] She was always suing the hell out of someone.

[363] And she spoke like this.

[364] She spoke into the microphone like this.

[365] And I came on to Ride of the Valkyries was the music.

[366] That is fantastic.

[367] And I know you have the distinction.

[368] I know this is high on your resume of knowing Andy Richter before I did.

[369] I met Andy, you know, I mean, man, it's coming up on 30 years ago when I was looking for.

[370] Oh, is it that long, my God.

[371] What, it's 28 years, I think.

[372] Because he wasn't a writer.

[373] I mean, because I knew him then.

[374] And he was just kind of cynical guy who was doing comedy every now and again and I think he wanted to be an actor.

[375] Yes.

[376] But we had a lot of fun together doing our little crazy stuff in Chicago.

[377] But I didn't know him as a writer and I know he was hired as a writer for your show.

[378] Well, you know, it's so funny because we didn't have a budget for a sidekick or anything.

[379] So I didn't even know that I was going to have one, but I was looking for writers.

[380] And so I met with Andy and we sat together in this diner here.

[381] in L .A. He ordered this big bowl of borsht in the summer, in the summertime, which I thought, I was like, what is going on?

[382] Why is he, who eats beet soup in the valley in the summer?

[383] And he just immediately, I clicked with him and I thought, oh, this, I love this guy.

[384] And he's hilarious.

[385] So I told Robert Smigel, who was the head writer, we've got to hire this guy, Andy.

[386] And he went, well, no, we've got to, he's got to submit a packet.

[387] And I was kind of saying, no, no, no, we just have to hire him.

[388] And I'm sure he'll.

[389] So, but he, Andy, did have to submit a packet.

[390] And I remembered reading it for like two seconds and going, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, submitted a packet.

[391] Let's hire it.

[392] So, and then one thing led to another, but you guys did stage production of the real live Brady Bunch.

[393] Real Life Brady Bunch.

[394] I remember I was a writer on The Simpsons.

[395] And everyone in the writer's room was saying, you've got to go see this real life Brady Bunch.

[396] It's hilarious.

[397] It was, yeah, we were at the Westwood.

[398] You were at the Westwood.

[399] You guys had done it, started it in Chicago.

[400] and then you brought it to L .A. and it became a thing.

[401] And of course, I'm this, you know, 28 -year -old bachelor at the time, constantly.

[402] I mean, a different, different woman every night, I suppose.

[403] So there was no time for me to go and check the show out.

[404] I was hitting, I was in the clubs.

[405] Yeah, of course you were.

[406] You know what?

[407] It's a miracle I'm alive.

[408] It's a miracle I'm alive.

[409] But so I regret not seeing the show, but everybody said it was, it was fantastic.

[410] People still talk about that show.

[411] It was madness.

[412] It was messy and crazy.

[413] And we took that beautiful Westwood Theater, which is now the Geffen.

[414] And we ripped out all the seats and we put ratty couches in there and you could drink.

[415] I don't know if you could, I bet you could smoke.

[416] Well, every where else we had done it, you could, you could drink and smoke.

[417] But we turned it into just this, we destroyed that theater.

[418] But it was really, it was a lot of fun.

[419] It was just crazy and off the charts.

[420] I'm thinking that I, other than seeing you occasionally in, in television things and really liking you, what really turned everything around was you met Chris Guest and he started, he made you part of his troop.

[421] And I got to think, first of all, how did you meet Chris Guest?

[422] I did a commercial while I was, I mean, I was doing a lot of commercials while I was in Los Angeles in the late 90s, you know, I was auditioning a lot.

[423] Let's put it that way.

[424] And he cast me in a Kellogg's Frosted Flakes commercial where we, you know, we improvised very much like.

[425] like what Guffman was, and now Guffman was this preposterous fantasy that I would get to do something like that.

[426] So meeting him, seeing that he was the director of that commercial at the callback, just, oh, I was so excited.

[427] And so we did that commercial.

[428] And then he said to me afterwards, you know, oh, I do movies.

[429] Maybe we'll do a movie sometime.

[430] I was like, yeah, I know you do movies, and I would love that.

[431] And then we ran into each other at a restaurant when he was casting Best in Show.

[432] And he was getting pancakes.

[433] I was getting pancakes.

[434] He was getting a muffin.

[435] It's so funny how I do the same thing.

[436] I just said Andy Richter had borsed.

[437] Now, that's almost 30 years ago.

[438] You remember that you were getting pancakes and he was getting a muffin.

[439] Yes.

[440] I always remember that stuff.

[441] Me too.

[442] It's always.

[443] Look at my light went out.

[444] I do too.

[445] And also what people were wearing.

[446] And I could tell you he was in a track suit, which is kind of interesting.

[447] He had just worked out.

[448] A comedy insider thing that people don't know about Chris Guest is that he's this brilliantly funny guy.

[449] Yes.

[450] And he has made so many iconic films and so many people know him, you know, say from Spinal Tap, you know, or as his character in Waiting for Guffman.

[451] And when you meet him, he is the most low -key person almost like a butler.

[452] He's very, you know, like the butler from Arthur, you know, just very John Gilgoode.

[453] Yeah, it's hard.

[454] You know, he was always really nice to me. But I have seen people go up to him, go, hi, nice to meet you.

[455] And he just shuts it down so hard.

[456] Yes.

[457] It's, oh, it's like hard to watch.

[458] I did a show at the comedy, at the Aspen Comedy Festival once.

[459] And I think I was out there with Jim Carrey interviewing him.

[460] And it was raucous.

[461] And it was, I don't know, this was in the early 2000s.

[462] And it's just incredible energy or late 90s.

[463] And it was just this incredible energy in the room.

[464] And I remember the thing was over and I was like, you know, thanks.

[465] Jim Carrey, everybody, good night, everybody.

[466] And I walk off stage, and there's a lot of just energy and cheering.

[467] And the first face I see is Chris Gess, because he had been in the audience and he had walked backstage.

[468] And I went, hey, you know, Chris, and you know when you have that energy, you expect someone to hug you and go, man, you nailed it.

[469] And he just went, hello, Conan.

[470] I'm in Aspen as well.

[471] And I hope you enjoy your time.

[472] Good day to you.

[473] And then I moved away, and it wasn't, I mean, he's always been very nice to me and he wasn't being mean.

[474] His energy just, he refuses to raise his energy knob.

[475] He won't do it.

[476] If you went to his door and knocked on the door and said, I have a giant check here, Christopher Guest, you have randomly been, you just won a billion dollars in this completely random sweepstakes and people were shooting confetti and everything.

[477] Chris Guest would say, well, that's, uh, the check can go over there, I suppose, just because just leaving out of the door.

[478] It's, it's rather large, but rather large, I suppose.

[479] We'll find a place for it.

[480] Check is more of a prop, I suppose.

[481] Actual money will be wired into my account.

[482] But I wish you well.

[483] Yeah, so I didn't quite.

[484] But the brilliant thing is that, obviously, he saw you and saw what you could do.

[485] And then so you're in...

[486] The first one was Best in Show.

[487] Best in Show.

[488] And then, are you in a mighty wind as well, I believe?

[489] Yeah, with John Michael Higgins and the new, the Christie Minstrels, new Main Street singing.

[490] Yeah, your character, I remember, had a fascinating backstory.

[491] Yeah, she was a porn star.

[492] Former porn star.

[493] Former porn star turned, you know, very clean kind of up with people, Christy folk band.

[494] Yeah.

[495] Yes.

[496] That probably happens.

[497] Yeah, I'm sure it does.

[498] More often than we know.

[499] Yes.

[500] We've all done porn.

[501] Absolutely.

[502] Another reason I couldn't make it to your show at the now Geffen Theater.

[503] And then, of course, Judd Apatow comes along.

[504] And it's interesting because, you know, he cast you in a 40 -year -old voice.

[505] Virgin and you're working in that Best Buy.

[506] You have so many memorable moments in that movie and you have that magical thing where I don't know what your total screen time is, but you made every second of it count.

[507] Like literally every second of it count.

[508] You know, that kind of like, it is every time you're on screen, it's dense with good comedy sauce.

[509] Oh, well, thank you so much.

[510] It was, you know, that was one of the most fun things to shoot, too, because when we shot in the store, the, the circuit City type store.

[511] There were like maybe say two or three weeks where we shot in there and he called everybody in, even if you weren't on in the script in the scene.

[512] So he would just, you know, like a good coach, he'd like pull you into the game.

[513] So it was really fun.

[514] Yeah, Jud has this.

[515] And I imagine we're talking about Chris Gas and then we're talking about Judd Apatow and these are two people that rely on improvisational actors and finding that natural good rhythm.

[516] But they're also quite different because what Judd is known for, and I've heard this from so many people, is he practically has, you think of it as like a bench in an NBA game.

[517] Yeah.

[518] And he gets these incredibly talented people sitting there.

[519] And so you're not necessarily even in the scene, but then he might just say, Jane, jump in.

[520] Exactly.

[521] And tell me what that's like.

[522] Well, I got thrown into one scene and I knew I wanted to do that Guatemalan love song thing.

[523] Oh, we have to please talk about that.

[524] Yeah, I thought of that while sitting around on the bench.

[525] And I thought, if I get an opportunity to go in there.

[526] And so I didn't tell anybody that I was going to do it.

[527] But I saw, you know, when he said, Jane, get in there.

[528] I thought, well, I'm going to give it a try.

[529] And I did say to Steve Carell, I said, I might, I might sing something.

[530] And he said, oh, okay.

[531] But that's so that's what it turned out to be is that you're kind of sitting around and you're hanging out with really funny people and you're, you know, you get inspired.

[532] And that's where, you know, you know, like that idea came and, and, you know, he throws you in a scene with Seth Rogen and, you know, it's just the greatest thing in the world because, you know, according to the script, we didn't really have any interaction, you know, and then we get to get to do stuff.

[533] So he's really smart that way.

[534] And he shot a lot, too, the way Chris does, too.

[535] Chris always shoots a lot of film.

[536] But Judge shoots tons of film, you know, he just keeps going and going and going.

[537] Chris Gess and Judd Apatow know how to use improv.

[538] And I think what happened is I think a lot of people saw, especially in the last decade or so, they saw Judd's work and they said, oh, I get it.

[539] I can do that.

[540] What you do is you get people to just improvise.

[541] And that's what kids like, let's do that.

[542] And so what happened is I saw a lot of people who weren't Judd and certainly not Chris Gest make these movies.

[543] I could see everyone was improvising.

[544] Maybe improv was not their background, but there was a lot of, yeah, well, okay, well, if you call that a dog, yeah, looks more like a cat.

[545] It had a haircut.

[546] Well, anyway, yeah.

[547] And they'd put a lot of that, that's actually, maybe that was me just making something up.

[548] And of course, because of my abilities, it was very, very good.

[549] It wasn't very good.

[550] It wasn't completely.

[551] Oh, no, no, no, I was going with it.

[552] It was very good.

[553] Where were you going, Jane?

[554] Sorry.

[555] No, you were right.

[556] That was just really, off the top of your head and brilliant.

[557] Yeah, yeah, there you go.

[558] There you go.

[559] Yeah, yeah.

[560] And I think what happens with that is that you put the cart before the horse and you don't have a story.

[561] You don't have defined characters with character arcs and you just kind of throw people out there.

[562] Yeah, just, you know, play it loose.

[563] And I think you have to have that.

[564] Like when Chris and I know Judd does this too, they, as they're watching, you know, the day unfold, they're thinking in their mind how, oh, how they'll edit this, you You know, oh, I have an idea.

[565] They know the story that they're trying to tell and they know the arc of the characters.

[566] And so they always start from there as opposed to just say whatever comes to the top of your head.

[567] Right.

[568] And that's what I think happened is I started seeing a lot of movies where people were just shooting the shit on a giant movie screen and I paid $20.

[569] You know, and I was like, no, no, no, no. This has to be done correctly.

[570] It has to be used just right.

[571] because it can be misused so easily.

[572] I am always liking it to jazz.

[573] You know, really great jazz players, you know, they know, they play, they know their instruments, they know the scales, they understand how songs work.

[574] And once you've got that, you know, kind of you're in a, you've built a little musical prison, technical prison for yourself, then you can go outside of it.

[575] Then you have the right and the privilege of riffing.

[576] But before you know the dynamics and the, that technically what you're doing, you shouldn't be improvising.

[577] So much about improv and being funny to me is watching you in a structure and they put you, and Seth Rogan and Steve Carell, you put these very talented people, but you're in a structure, in a story where you do have to care about Steve Carell and his journey.

[578] And then you watch you guys playing around on that structure and occasionally bending one of the bars or slamming up against the side and maybe poking an arm through, but that's the fun.

[579] That makes it feel like that's where the real magic is in my opinion.

[580] Yeah, I agree.

[581] I always say I like to build myself a little cage, a little comedy cage, and then I bounce around freely within that.

[582] And like you said, every once in a while an arm gets out or you bend a bar.

[583] That's what I tell my writers.

[584] To quote me exactly what you just said.

[585] Well, for years, for years, I would tell.

[586] For years, I would tell my writers, build me a jungle gym and then people will see me playing on it.

[587] And that'll be, and for many years, they built me an actual jungle gym, which was a huge.

[588] huge.

[589] And they didn't know what they were doing, and I would get hurt.

[590] It wasn't up to, wasn't well -built.

[591] Yeah.

[592] And I think, too, that kind of is what draws people, you know, erroneously to want to do this because it looks like you're having fun.

[593] And it looks like you're playing.

[594] But it's very well -crafted play.

[595] Yes.

[596] And the audience should never feel like, oh my god what are they going to do next in a bad way right you know they should be delighted well they feel comfortable they know that comfortable absolutely that's the difference between a really good stand up and someone who hasn't really laid the foundation of their point of view and what and you know how they're presenting it no i think the first two years i was on on the air people would tune in to see is this the episode where he starts crying and uh and once i got past that point that was okay but yeah the audience felt comfortable yes no i think the whole time you were You were great at the whole time.

[597] Honest to God, I don't know how you felt, but I thought you were great.

[598] There's something about, and this is another place where I think we could maybe connect or have a discussion, is tall people.

[599] You are a very tall and a very tall, slender person.

[600] And I've always found, and I think I am, well, I am as well.

[601] I was like, I don't know about, you know, slender goes.

[602] in and out, especially during COVID.

[603] I've put on a...

[604] Mind slender goes in and out too.

[605] But I've always thought there's kind of a...

[606] I don't know.

[607] I think about John Cleese.

[608] There's a tall person kind of comedy.

[609] There sure is.

[610] And you, you know, in all the different roles you've played, you're very aware of your height and you use it so well.

[611] I don't know what it is.

[612] You know what I'm talking about when I talk about tall person comedy?

[613] Dick Van Dyke was somebody, too.

[614] Dick Van Dyke has a...

[615] a very gangly kind of, but he's quite elegant too at the same time.

[616] Do you remember Eve Arden?

[617] Yes.

[618] She was very tall as well.

[619] And if you look back at her stuff, you know, she was basically head and shoulders over the other ladies in the scenes.

[620] And she just had a way that she moved that was just, it was so beautiful and lanky and funny, you know.

[621] And so I maybe emulated that on some level, but I remember, you know, watching her and just thinking that she was physically so funny.

[622] Guys like being tall for the most part.

[623] Right.

[624] Women have told me over the years when I've interviewed them, they hated it when they were younger.

[625] I don't know.

[626] Yeah.

[627] There were times when I wished I weren't as tall, but for the most part, no, I didn't.

[628] And my mother was great about it, too.

[629] She was tall, so she grew up tall and her mother used to tell her to bend over and not look so tall.

[630] So my mom was very instilled, you know, I'm not necessarily pride.

[631] but just, you know, it is what it is.

[632] You know, I didn't have much.

[633] And also, you know, I'm gay, so I didn't care if I was taller than you guys.

[634] Hold on, just a second.

[635] Am I breaking news here?

[636] Who okayed this booking?

[637] Now you listen to me. This is a certain kind of podcast with certain values, if you know what I mean.

[638] I do.

[639] I do.

[640] But I didn't care about what guys thought.

[641] And it wasn't like, you know, I just didn't.

[642] And I don't know.

[643] And sometimes guys treated me kind of like a fellow guy.

[644] Yeah.

[645] So, yeah, I didn't have what I'm sure a lot of women have about being tall.

[646] I know you talked about this in your book, but did you know, you know, when did you know, oh, okay, I'm gay.

[647] When were you aware of that?

[648] Oh, boy.

[649] I mean, where I started to go, oh, my gosh.

[650] Was it during this interview?

[651] Yes, it was about seven minutes ago.

[652] More people have awakened sexually on my podcast.

[653] I'm your podcast.

[654] Yeah, seriously.

[655] It's incredible.

[656] Bruce Springsteen.

[657] I talked to him a couple of months ago and, you know, that it's not his name anymore.

[658] It's incredible.

[659] So when did you, how did you wrestle with all of that?

[660] Oh, it was a, you know, it was a terrible revelation.

[661] I remember when I was about 12 or 13, I learned what the word gay meant.

[662] And I was like, oh, my God, I'm the girl version of that.

[663] Yeah, it was, I remember saying to myself, like, even in college, you know, no one will ever know, no, because my crushes were becoming undeniable.

[664] I was not having crushes on guys.

[665] I was having crushes on girls.

[666] And I remember, you know, kind of on some level saying to myself, no one will ever know.

[667] You just, you cannot, no one can ever know.

[668] And, um, that makes me sad.

[669] That's too bad.

[670] It is too bad.

[671] Yeah.

[672] Yeah, but you know what?

[673] That's all right.

[674] It's all right.

[675] You know, I think it's given me, you know, compassion for.

[676] for what kids have to go through who don't, you know, live on the coasts and grow up in, you know, in not friendly places and that, you know, they still exist, as you know.

[677] Yes.

[678] That makes me really sad for kids.

[679] But, you know, being in the theater, it's just teeming with the gays.

[680] So I was very much one of many in theater and people didn't care about it, you know.

[681] So that was a good place to come of age in my 20s was that I was in the theater and with a bunch of who, you know, couldn't care less.

[682] I was always amazed, impressed that there's something about the human spirit.

[683] People, for the most part, will find a way to get to where they need to be.

[684] Yeah.

[685] And I think often, you know I'm talking about Sona for years and years and years, one of my favorite people that worked on our show and has since retired is Bruce Brummage, who, you know, I would talk to him about his story, and he grew up.

[686] in West Virginia, and he grew up, you know, I think in the 1950s in West Virginia and gay and very different.

[687] And I just used to think about, I don't know how he did it, but you can only imagine how difficult that would be.

[688] And he found his way to New York City.

[689] And he found his way to the theater.

[690] And he found his way into working in this thing that he loved.

[691] And then he found his way to, you know, our show.

[692] And I always thought it, what a miraculous thing that people somehow, there's something in us that says, okay, this is where I got to be.

[693] And, you know, I have to get to the theater.

[694] I have to get to where people are making funny stuff.

[695] And I have to be in that room with them.

[696] And I don't know how I'm going to get there.

[697] But God damn it, I'm going to get there.

[698] I'm going to get there.

[699] Yeah.

[700] No, when I, You remember the It Gets Better, the Dan Savage program where people talked about, it was basically for kids who, you know, are having a really hard time of it in places like West Virginia, like growing up there, that it gets better and you find your people.

[701] You become, you know, compelled to find your people and you go where the love is.

[702] And I'm glad that, you know, New York is still that place for people, Los Angeles, any place where there's a theater community or a. But if, you know, and if you're driven to be in the theater, that's really a great thing because you're going to find your people.

[703] But, you know, what if you want to be an accountant?

[704] Right, right, right.

[705] How hard is that?

[706] Well, guess what, they need, you know, look, Broadway desperately needs accountants.

[707] Exactly.

[708] There are tons of accountants in show business.

[709] Go where the love is now.

[710] Now, despite all that, I'm told that you did have a crush on one boy.

[711] You had a crush on Ron Howard.

[712] I did.

[713] What era, Ron Howard?

[714] Happy Days, Ron Howard?

[715] No. Yes, Happy Days, Ron Howard.

[716] Absolutely.

[717] I did.

[718] He came to Chicago to promote Happy Days, and he was on WGN, the radio show, and I called in and I got to talk to him.

[719] And I was just thrilled, absolutely thrilled.

[720] And, you know, I used to dream about him.

[721] And John Travolta, too.

[722] I used to draw their faces.

[723] And I don't know why, you know, I guess, you know, I guess I'm, I guess I'm, I guess I sexuality fluid, but yeah, there was, and also there was something about Ronnie Howard that was very safe.

[724] He was such a nice, he was a nice guy.

[725] Yeah.

[726] He would never ask you to, you know, to do anything sexual to him.

[727] He was a good boy.

[728] He is, and he is, you know, over the years, I've interviewed him many times.

[729] He's one of the least affected nicest people you will meet in the business.

[730] He really is that guy.

[731] And I got, was thrilled.

[732] because there was some event a number of years ago, some kind of fancy event.

[733] And I got, you know, please, this is your seat over there.

[734] You know, they separate, one of those events where they separate the wife and the husband.

[735] Oh, my God, I'm sitting next to Ron Howard.

[736] And afterwards, my wife said, what did you guys talk about?

[737] You guys were talking intently for two hours.

[738] And I said, you're not going to believe it, but sunblock.

[739] We talked the whole time.

[740] Of course you were.

[741] We're two red -headed, we're two pale red -headed guys.

[742] And I swear to God, he was like, you know, he was like, he gets intense.

[743] So he was saying, well, you know, zinc.

[744] And I said, no, no, no, no, no, zinc's a fallacy.

[745] You don't want to have zinc in there.

[746] No, no, no, no. Here's what you want to do.

[747] There's a French cream they make.

[748] And he's like, no, no, no, I've tried that cream.

[749] And we were just going and exchanging formulas.

[750] And it was, I thought, okay, you know, everyone I talked to you afterwards was disappointed because they wanted to hear really cool Ron Howard's stories.

[751] And all I came away with was, you know, there's this special chemical that they're working on in Iraq that might be of use.

[752] Yeah, a nice guy, nicest guy.

[753] But so I think it's sort of another gift that comes, and it takes a while for it to come, but people know your rhythm and they know your talent and people just, that takes years and years and years to get.

[754] I felt that way about my marriage, too.

[755] This is going to be a lot.

[756] That's how it felt anyway.

[757] I'm a grower.

[758] Yeah, I'm a grower.

[759] Exactly.

[760] Well, okay.

[761] Clearly you've spoken to my daughter.

[762] I feel like there's so much to be said for confidence.

[763] You know, that happens.

[764] Confidence breeds more confidence.

[765] And I think that once I started feeling successful and not just in the level of the jobs that I get, but how I did in them.

[766] And showing up for a job wasn't, you know, I showed up like this.

[767] Like, I'm going to show them what I've got.

[768] And after a while, you develop some confidence.

[769] And there's nothing more attractive to people, I think, than confidence.

[770] You know, this kind of where you play down about yourself.

[771] And, you know, you kind of don't want to hire that.

[772] You'd rather just hire somebody who's confident and they're going to show up and do what they do.

[773] And you've already decided you like it or not.

[774] You wouldn't have hired them.

[775] But I just have to say that over the years, the thing that has saved me is the confidence that has come from, you know, showing up and showing up and showing up.

[776] No, it's the confidence that, like, Donald Trump had when he was first running.

[777] You just knew, like, this guy can do it, you know?

[778] But you know what?

[779] That's what I think compels.

[780] Did I go the wrong way?

[781] Did I go to the wrong place with this?

[782] Yes.

[783] Kind of.

[784] But it's the same principle.

[785] The same principle of prize, I think.

[786] You know, I think it's the same thing.

[787] I know what you mean.

[788] I, my one wish, you know.

[789] people, I never buy when people say, no regrets, you know, that kind of, no regrets.

[790] And then you take a belt of scotch.

[791] And I think, no, no, no. I have regrets.

[792] I, you know, if I could go back and have more confidence, it took me, it took that so long.

[793] Absolutely.

[794] I would do the same thing, too.

[795] If I could just start, you know, didn't have to go through a lot of that self -doubt and the suffering over that and fearing the fear of being unmasked that, you know, it's going to, you know, be revealed that I don't know what I'm doing.

[796] I would like to have erased that.

[797] Yeah, but then you wouldn't be you.

[798] That's the catch -22.

[799] That is the flip side of the whole thing is that I also am a believer in the long arc. Long periods of insecurity are somehow necessary.

[800] I can't tell you why.

[801] Yeah, I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure they are.

[802] Yeah.

[803] And if that insecurity doesn't destroy you and ruin your expression of your art, then, you know, it's a really great thing.

[804] because some people just, you know, they crumble.

[805] They just crumble and, you know, they're done by 35.

[806] Right.

[807] Well, we'll know next year when I turn 35.

[808] I'll be watching.

[809] I'm going to have so much work done next time you see me. I have a question, Jane, if I had a lot of work done and it wasn't good work, but during, and you saw me at a party and it was like, oh, shit, what did Conan do?

[810] Would you say something to me?

[811] I probably would with my eyes.

[812] I probably, you would know.

[813] I probably wouldn't say anything.

[814] And I'd try to say something back to you with my eyes, but I wouldn't be able to.

[815] Be able to move them.

[816] They'd be just plastered.

[817] And I'd be trying to figure out, is it a lift?

[818] Is it just too much filler?

[819] Is it too much Botox?

[820] Is it a combination?

[821] What was he thinking?

[822] You know how when men get a facial surgery, sometimes it feminizes them?

[823] Yes.

[824] and start looking like old ladies.

[825] Yes, yes.

[826] That's the kind I want to get.

[827] I want to...

[828] The feminizing one.

[829] I want to get something done that just horrifies people and then I want to just, I want to see who do I know is going to come up to me and go, what the fuck did you do?

[830] And who's just going to go like, oh, this is really good carrot cake?

[831] Well, you are, you're one of those people where I get up in the morning and I think, what am I doing today?

[832] And then I look and it says I'm going to talk to Jane Lynch, and I say, I have a good life.

[833] This is a really good life because you're hilarious and you have a very generous spirit and you're one of the funnier performers that roams this spinning blue globe we call Earth.

[834] And I'm just very happy to get to talk to you.

[835] Same here.

[836] And you're very kind.

[837] Thank you so much.

[838] I so appreciate it.

[839] That's really sweet.

[840] And I'm funny too.

[841] You are.

[842] You're very funny.

[843] You were funny from the excuse me you just said kind and sona i had to do something that was so sad the way you did not it wasn't sad i'm very funny and you're very kind oh that's what that's what she did you saw what jane did she said cona i said you're very funny she said well thank you and you're very kind and i'm like what am my mother teresa over here what's wrong with kind have you seen her improv she was very kind and she bathed the the feet of the lepers but her improv sucked she was a terrible improviser.

[844] She would always, and she would always go blue, like, where are the gynecologist?

[845] You're like, don't, Mother Teresa.

[846] Don't do that.

[847] Anyway, thank you very much.

[848] Jane, you're a terrific person, and I bless you.

[849] Thank you.

[850] Back at you.

[851] Takes one to no one.

[852] There you go.

[853] See?

[854] Yeah.

[855] See what you did?

[856] I return it, and it's true.

[857] Yeah.

[858] Well, we can't use any of this.

[859] No. You want to start now?

[860] This is a little unusual, but I do have a favor that I would like to ask our listeners.

[861] And in order to ask this favor, I need to give you the setup just a couple days ago.

[862] My son and I decided to take a little road trip.

[863] You know, we're all cooped up.

[864] And my son, strapping young lad, in the midst of a massive growth spurt, he confides me that he's hungry and he loves in and out.

[865] And I think we all do.

[866] This is not an ad, but who doesn't love their in and out, right?

[867] Love it, love it.

[868] An ad?

[869] No, no, I mean, it's delicious.

[870] I know, it's delicious, but we're not getting paid to say that, so screw it.

[871] Maybe they'll send us food.

[872] Well, please.

[873] Look, in and out, if you're out there, I'm just saying, and I'm not getting paid, my son wanted to stop it in and out, and I'm like, okay with me. So we want to eat it right then.

[874] So what I do is I drive over and I pull into a parking lot that's pretty much empty.

[875] And I want to stretch my legs.

[876] So I get out, and I've ordered some food, too.

[877] so I put my food on the roof because I want to stand.

[878] You know, I've got these long legs, and they get cramped up.

[879] I hand him his burger into the window, and I put mine on the roof, and I was DJing.

[880] I think I was introducing him to the group, The Cars, my best friend's girl, which is a great pop song, you know, fantastic guitar lick, just great production.

[881] And I was going to play that for him next.

[882] So what I did is I got out my iPhone, and then I set it down on the roof.

[883] for the car next to my food.

[884] I think we all see where this is going.

[885] Eat the food in a reverie.

[886] It's in and out, not getting paid, but in a reverie.

[887] Finish the food, responsibly, leave the car and go and put it all in a trash can that's right there, then jump back in the car and then get on the 101 freeway headed north.

[888] And I'm chugging down the freeway, and life is good.

[889] And I'm loving it.

[890] And then I'm like, it's time to hear that song.

[891] And I'm about to reach from my phone.

[892] and play the song from my son when I hear Kathapa, Kathapa, Kathan, gothung, and I go, what the?

[893] And then I immediately know that I left my phone on the roof of the car, accelerated, and it stayed for a remarkably long time, but then just as I needed it, the phone knew it was time to go and went tumbling off into the pitch black night.

[894] It's now like 9 o 'clock at night and went tumbling onto the 101 free.

[895] way.

[896] And I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe what I just did.

[897] And I tell my son, and he loves to laugh at me. And so he really enjoyed, you know, you're an idiot.

[898] You're, you know, he calls me a boomer, even though technically I don't think I'm a boomer, but he's like, you're a boomer, you, ah, ha, stupid.

[899] Wish I had a different father.

[900] Oh, wow.

[901] What?

[902] Mom's great.

[903] You suck.

[904] All that kind of, those fun riffs.

[905] Oh, my God.

[906] Yeah, I'll never visit you in your old, all that kind of fun stuff that kids say to their father.

[907] So specific.

[908] Yeah.

[909] You're my least favorite late -night host.

[910] Your podcast is a waste of time.

[911] I like Matt.

[912] I like Sona, but what do you offer?

[913] You know what?

[914] All the fun stuff kids throw out.

[915] But then he's like using Find My iPhone.

[916] He's like, I can see your phone.

[917] So for a second, we turn around and we go back on the highway to even try and find it.

[918] Oh.

[919] And then I'm realizing, like, I sort of start to think about pulling over on the shoulder of the road.

[920] Cars are going by at 80 miles an hour.

[921] Yeah.

[922] And it's like a five.

[923] lane stretch of the 101.

[924] And I'm thinking, I'm going to run out into the night, dodging traffic, looking for a, no, I'm not going to do that.

[925] This is dangerous.

[926] It would have been a good story.

[927] Conan O 'Brien gets hit by a car on the 101 looking for his phone.

[928] Yes.

[929] Last words, eat it in and out.

[930] Delicious.

[931] Worth dying for.

[932] So anyway, here's the point.

[933] I have one of those cases where you can put it's so it's your some of your vital stuff yeah like that yes holding it up I have one just like that I have that case just like the one Gourley just held up I found this on the 101 the other one nice it's got a French fry in it from in and out not an ad you put the French fry in your wallet I always keep one fry I always keep one fry so that later on if yeah later on if you're delicious if you're later on question by the police and they say, where were you?

[934] You can say, I have a fry to prove that I was in and out.

[935] So I'm looking at my wallet and I'm realizing, oh, I have my cash card and my credit card.

[936] Okay, those can be canceled.

[937] Damn it.

[938] My license.

[939] My driver's license is in there and it's lying out there in the night in a phone case on the 101 freeway.

[940] And here, Matt, was where I get to the crucial part of the story.

[941] Okay.

[942] My request to the listeners out there, okay?

[943] It's possible that one of you will be roaming the 101 freeway, maybe that grass strip that runs along the side.

[944] Maybe you're just roaming the center, because that's what you do.

[945] There are people that just like to roam highways.

[946] There might be a super fan.

[947] It's like, there might be someone who just doesn't even care that much about me, but they find my dead iPhone.

[948] It's dead.

[949] It's been wiped automatically, but they find my license.

[950] And here's my fear.

[951] As you know, I love murder documentaries.

[952] Oh, yeah.

[953] And I am obsessed with murder.

[954] My big fear is that someone's going to plant my license at a murder scene.

[955] Oh.

[956] Oh, yeah.

[957] My fear is that some crime, it doesn't even have to be a murder, but my mind always goes to murder.

[958] There'll be some terrible crime.

[959] and at the site, they'll find my ID, and I will be arrested.

[960] So I want to get the word out now that this is my story.

[961] That's why my license is out there somewhere along the 101 freeway.

[962] Now, this is highly suspicious.

[963] I kind of think you've already committed a crime and you're just laying an alibi.

[964] Yes.

[965] I also think it's weird that the one thing you're afraid of by losing your license isn't that someone will steal your identity.

[966] Who's going to steal Conan O 'Brien's identity?

[967] No, but you're...

[968] Tilda Swinton.

[969] What old Korean woman is going to walk into a store and put down and say, hi, I'm Conan O 'Brien.

[970] That's not going to work.

[971] You know?

[972] No one's going to do that.

[973] But what they could do is commit a murder, drop the license there.

[974] People love it when a celebrity gets arrested for murder.

[975] It's big news.

[976] And I think celebrities are more vulnerable than anybody to being accused of murder.

[977] because the Papps love it.

[978] So I'm putting it out there if that idea is found at a murder scene, that's my story.

[979] Now, what do you say, Matt?

[980] You say that you think that I committed the murder already and then I'm putting this...

[981] You're trying to retrofit an alibi.

[982] Possibly.

[983] Possibly.

[984] This is terrible.

[985] It's a terrible way to do it.

[986] Yeah.

[987] This is my plan.

[988] This is how bad a murderer I am.

[989] I committed a murder along the 101 freeway in some grassy knoll on the 101 freeway.

[990] Then, like a villain in a superhero comic, I left a calling card, which is my driver's license.

[991] Then I knew that I could get on the podcast and plant the idea that I lost it because I left it on the roof of my car.

[992] Yeah.

[993] Your son will have to be deposed.

[994] I know.

[995] Was Beckett even there?

[996] Do I even have a son?

[997] Oh, no. I mean, what am I making up?

[998] And guess what?

[999] I don't particularly like In and Out.

[1000] Oh, no. Yeah, and I'm vegan.

[1001] I only go, none of this holds up.

[1002] I don't own a car.

[1003] I don't drive myself.

[1004] I am driven by my chauffeur.

[1005] You don't have a podcast where you just tell you you do.

[1006] This thing doesn't go out.

[1007] This thing doesn't even go anywhere.

[1008] No. So the whole thing is a sad ruse.

[1009] But anyway, I'm just putting it out there that somewhere along the 101 freeway probably nestled under a dead raccoon is, is my ID, my driver's license.

[1010] And if anybody finds it, should they just send it to where?

[1011] Contact us.

[1012] What should we do?

[1013] Should we offer a reward?

[1014] If you find a license, can't you just dump it in a mailbox and it'll get to where it needs to be?

[1015] That's the way it works.

[1016] Like for anyone else?

[1017] Yeah.

[1018] Oh, really?

[1019] If you ever find a license, just pop it in the mailbox.

[1020] Can I ask a question that's going to make me sound self -involved in vain?

[1021] But maybe that's true for you.

[1022] Sona or for you, Matt.

[1023] Okay.

[1024] But if someone finds Conan O 'Brien's ID, isn't that going on eBay and then $100 ,000 later, you know?

[1025] You seek your license is worth $100 ,000.

[1026] Well, especially if it's evidence at a murder.

[1027] Yes.

[1028] They put the evidence on eBay.

[1029] I looked on eBay.

[1030] I'm not seeing anything.

[1031] Okay.

[1032] This is crazy because this is a third story of this vein because you lost your word.

[1033] wallet or phone that way, Sona, and you lost either a phone or a wallet before we've talked on.

[1034] Oh, that's right.

[1035] You left one on the roof of your car, didn't you?

[1036] I did.

[1037] I did the same thing.

[1038] So you and I are basically the same.

[1039] I'm scared.

[1040] I don't want to say you were mean to me about it, but you did make fun of me for it.

[1041] That's right.

[1042] For leaving my wallet on top of my car and then driving off, you made fun of me for it.

[1043] It doesn't sound like me. It doesn't sound like something I would do.

[1044] I'm a compassionate person.

[1045] I worry, Sona, because you're, you're soon going to have twins.

[1046] Yeah.

[1047] You know?

[1048] What if you're like, I'll just put these twins on the roof while I eat this burrito.

[1049] Time to go.

[1050] Well, I mean, babies are resilient from what I've heard.

[1051] So do a little tuck -and -roll will be fine.

[1052] I love a tuck -and -roll.

[1053] Twins, tucking and rolling in baby seats and being perfectly fine.

[1054] And they land in the same.

[1055] center on the side strip and they look over and they pick up a wallet.

[1056] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1057] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1058] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitarrhoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1059] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1060] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1061] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Sample.

[1062] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1063] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1064] Got a question for Conan?

[1065] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1066] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1067] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1068] This has been a Team Cocoa.

[1069] production in association with Earwolf.