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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] You look so surprised to see me. Oh, it's you.
[17] I feel like we just got a countdown from something, like a news thing.
[18] And in five, four, and then silent, three, two.
[19] And then Karen looked at me and went, hey, George.
[20] Good evening.
[21] This is Georgia hard start.
[22] No, it's not.
[23] Are we starting?
[24] Oh, and one begin.
[25] Hi, Karen.
[26] Hi.
[27] How are you?
[28] Thank you, Georgia.
[29] Thank you.
[30] Thank you.
[31] Thank you to welcome me to my show and my apartment.
[32] And you're, oh my God, welcome to your apartment.
[33] Thank you.
[34] That's your bedroom.
[35] Thank you.
[36] Please feel free to use your bathroom.
[37] Thank you.
[38] Should I have her, though?
[39] Yeah, that'd be better because I don't want to.
[40] Your germs in here.
[41] My butt.
[42] I don't want your butt around.
[43] This is my favorite murder minisode, where we read you your hometown murders.
[44] Because we get so many and they're great.
[45] Should I say the number?
[46] The phone number?
[47] Yeah, should I give your phone number?
[48] we should have a phone number oh my god 1 800 we should kill kill kill no I was going to say the amount the number of yes 11 ,000 8 279 emails are in our inbox right now no brag unread no brag because it's making us go out of our fucking minds with anxiety it's not a brag because now it's Stephen's job yeah so next people who send them to us now write them to Stephen it's really exciting because I feel like Steven's about to like, it's like January.
[49] It's like a brand new year.
[50] We've got a plan.
[51] We're going to take care of bid then.
[52] Yeah.
[53] We're going to get fucking A -bombed, but doesn't matter.
[54] In the meantime.
[55] No, yeah.
[56] Until that, you know, it is, it's a race to that.
[57] And until then, we're going to be so organized.
[58] It's a race war to that.
[59] It's a race war to that.
[60] Stephen is going to take care of our emails.
[61] I'm just ignoring that.
[62] Yeah.
[63] What about race?
[64] Edit that out.
[65] I'm on, I'm on the, okay.
[66] You're talking Keith Pepini style.
[67] You're not trying to start a race war.
[68] I'm fighting Keith Papini.
[69] Oh, okay.
[70] I'm not on his side.
[71] No, of course not.
[72] My point is that Stephen's going to be taking over a lot of shit and I'm really excited about it because...
[73] I like that we're telling people as if they're super stressed about it when we're the ones that are super stressed about it.
[74] They don't give it.
[75] It's just like, yeah.
[76] No brag.
[77] My inbox is empty.
[78] This is why we fucking hired you, Stephen.
[79] That's right.
[80] We wouldn't have hired someone who has...
[81] We wouldn't have hired ourselves, but somehow we got the job.
[82] I also got to do.
[83] the brag that Stephen, when Stephen said his inbox was empty, I looked at mine, 19 ,810 emails.
[84] When will, you know what, if it's important, they'll email you again four times.
[85] If it's important, I'll get a UPS registered letter saying you owe, and then you'll put it somewhere else and you'll get four more.
[86] I figure if it's important, the sheriff will pull up, guns ablazing, and take me down to the station.
[87] That's the hope.
[88] And then I'll come, like, bail you out.
[89] Yes, you will, please.
[90] Maybe.
[91] I'll let you learn a lesson for a night, though.
[92] Oh, that's a good idea.
[93] Yeah, teach me a lesson.
[94] I'm going to let you learn your lesson.
[95] About emails.
[96] So here, do you want to start?
[97] Wait, no, you go.
[98] Okay.
[99] Here's the first one that I picked, and it's because it's from Aaron, and the subject line is, I was getting laid while they were getting slayed.
[100] That's right.
[101] That's how we're kicking off January.
[102] Polk, rock, kick in the air.
[103] shit uh hey you guys and that's all a bunch of ease a bunch of o's and a bunch of use hey you guys you refuse to say it i won't do it it isn't sesame street uh so i listen to you guys when i'm driving working cooking and showering it's dangerous and it's gotten to the point where i now use murderina lingo in my common daily life i own a restaurant ooh and recently during a shift said to my crew um bye granted i look a little like luke from gilmore girls I don't know who that is.
[104] Oh, but I'm assuming it's...
[105] She said, a shorter more lesbian, Luke.
[106] Is Luke one of the ladies?
[107] No, I think Luke is the male lead.
[108] Okay, got, okay, got it.
[109] But we'll have to check our sources, Stephen.
[110] So those words coming out of my mouth were not expected one bit.
[111] My staff stopped in their tracks like a scratched record staring at me. Oh, well.
[112] So here's my hometown murder.
[113] I grew up in Littitz, Pennsylvania, where nothing but chocolate and pretzels.
[114] I got little tits too.
[115] George said that with one hand on her chin kind of like a sassy librarian.
[116] I wish you could have seen it.
[117] I got Lil Tits too.
[118] Okay.
[119] Lil Tits was voted coolest little town or something ridiculously homie like that.
[120] And folks who grew up there usually stay there.
[121] It's a snow globe town adorable as fuck.
[122] In the neighborhood in the neighborhood where my parents lived there were a group of kids that were all within three to five years of each other like a ton we used to play collective neighborhood flashlight tag kick the can capture the flag you get it i moved away for college and only came back for a short time while my mom was sick i was 24 at the time and hated being back in my childhood room but you know nothing says independence like sleeping on a twin bed under your third grade class picture she's really painting a picture for us Yes.
[123] I was casually dating this girl who also lived at home, winners, and we literally never were alone.
[124] One night, while my parents were on vacation, we stole the house and did what early 20s heart -struck lesbian couples do, got wasted and watched Disney movies.
[125] That totally went in a direction I didn't expect.
[126] I didn't either.
[127] In the morning, we scrambled to leave for work and were immediately circled by police.
[128] I was convinced my parents had found out about our rager and couldn't believe they called the cops.
[129] I rolled down my window and the police officer yelled, what are you doing here?
[130] I told him I was going to work, which he said, not this way you aren't.
[131] There's some crazy stuff that happened up the street.
[132] You have to stay inside.
[133] So I called into work with no details.
[134] Awesome way to get fired and stayed inside like the cop told me to.
[135] Three hours later, we got a visit from the same police officer who told us there had been a murder up the street.
[136] Michael and Catherine Borden, who lived 200 yards from me, were both murdered.
[137] in their home by their daughter's boyfriend, David Ludwig.
[138] You piece of shit.
[139] David 18, who was dating their 14 -year -old daughter, Ew, was found to be sexually active with her.
[140] Duh, after being forbidden to see each other, Ludwig broke into their house, killed both parents, and then fled with their daughter, Kara.
[141] At the point, at the point the cop had come to my house, they were still on the run.
[142] Eventually, David wrecked the getaway car into a tree in Indiana after her chase, and they were covered Kara.
[143] Kara attended her parents funeral sitting next to her other siblings.
[144] Fuck.
[145] What?
[146] No, get the fuck out of here.
[147] Initially, they sought the death penalty for David, but after a plea, he was given life imprisonment with no hope for parole.
[148] Now we know what that means.
[149] That's how we need to fucking end that.
[150] After that, the house became neighborhood scare shack where kids played flashlight tag would go up and see how close they could get to the front door before they freaked out and ran back.
[151] Shows that you never know what's happening in a small town.
[152] Anywho, Elvis, you're awesome.
[153] Thank you so much.
[154] Stay sexy.
[155] Don't get murdered.
[156] Aaron.
[157] That was awesome, but also, fuck.
[158] I don't want kids, like, especially after this podcast.
[159] Yeah.
[160] You know what I mean?
[161] Like, if you raise a kid, like, I don't know what's worse, having the daughter or the shitty boy who kills, who's dating a 14 -year -old who kills the family.
[162] I mean, you just can't control fate.
[163] That's the thing.
[164] Whether you have kids and they grow up and then they're old, and they live next door to you and nothing ever happens.
[165] or a boulder rolls down your street or like janes and the giant peach his parents remember yes they got run over by a rhinoceros that would probably shape me and so like that was my yes the rhinoceros escaped the zoo right yep and they ran down the street and ran over his parents and they had to go live with aunt spiker and ant sponge oh my god the two worst ants of all time is this why we're we must have a connection on this level because we're all doll is my fucking favorite person in the whole world he's the best and he hated children did you know that he hated children and I think you may have been either an anti -Semite there was some questionable stuff that is surprising for a person who wrote things like the big friendly giant and Danny the champion of the world some of my favorite books of all time please don't ruin James and the Giant Peach for me can't do it how can you ruin An anti -Semite wrote it that's how you ruin it sorry that's exactly right Can't, isn't it offset by, by living on a peach that you just eat as a, oh, with insects, with like the coolest insects.
[166] When my teacher read that in like fourth grade, I just sat there going, I want to live on a peach so bad.
[167] I want to eat my home.
[168] I love peaches.
[169] I love peaches.
[170] I want to eat my home.
[171] Yeah.
[172] Oh, God.
[173] All right.
[174] Thanks, Erin.
[175] Thank you.
[176] Okay.
[177] This one is called, let's see, which one should I do first?
[178] Okay.
[179] Oh, God damn it.
[180] okay this one's called it says hometown story then all caps you will die yes this is from olivia hey ladies i'm obsessed with your podcast and you my fiance thinks i should be hospitalized and then i'm planning his murder you will die at this story so good so the quote is bonnie and clyde for some reason okay so my fiance went to high school with this couple heather who's now 20 years old and Tommy who's now 22 heather came from a wealthy family and is a bit of a troublemaker growing up.
[181] She had a tumultuous relationship with her mother because of this, and it got worse when she started dating a, quote, bad boy named Tommy.
[182] Yes, from the wrong side of the trap.
[183] Hey, man. Tommy.
[184] Just a white t -shirt all the time.
[185] Make it from the waist down in a white t -shirt.
[186] What?
[187] Tommy, gross.
[188] Porky pig in a white t -shirt.
[189] About two years ago, Heather's mom, Sheila, arranged a luxurious trip to Bali for her and Heather to iron out their relationship.
[190] Yeah, that's how my family does it.
[191] I know, right?
[192] They were going to get like vacation braids and shit.
[193] Yeah, we just put on some sarongs in Bali and just talk shit through.
[194] That's why my mom and I are best friends.
[195] No, it's not because we don't talk.
[196] Tommy unexpectedly join them.
[197] I'm sorry.
[198] And Sheila was not happy.
[199] How do you unexpectedly jump on a plane to Bali?
[200] Yeah, that's, it becomes expected when you're shelling out eight grand for Tommy.
[201] Totally.
[202] During the trip, the couple told Sheila that they were expecting a baby.
[203] Oh.
[204] Sheila did not think Tommy was a good guy and she was not pleased about the news.
[205] During a confrontation, the mother was beaten to death by Tommy with a glass, ashtray.
[206] Oh, my God.
[207] Holy fuck.
[208] The couple smashed the lifeless body into a suitcase called a taxi, put the suitcase into the taxi, told the taxi driver they would be right back and ran away.
[209] What?
[210] That is not a point.
[211] That's not a good plan.
[212] After some time went by, the taxi driver got suspicious, yeah, and discovered it was a dead woman in his trunk.
[213] they looked in the hotel surveillance footage and tracked down a couple by the airport trying to flee the country.
[214] Heather and Tommy tried to claim it was self -defense because Sheila attacked them after learning about the end -born baby.
[215] Yeah, fucking right.
[216] However, the authorities later discovered that a couple had planned the murder for months.
[217] Whoa.
[218] They planned the murder for months and an ashtray is what they're going to use.
[219] Yeah.
[220] Yeah.
[221] In Bali?
[222] Bolly.
[223] Bali.
[224] I'm never going to go there.
[225] That's the one place that I won't go for our tour.
[226] Why?
[227] No, I'm just kidding.
[228] That's not the place.
[229] People want to know the place.
[230] You're finally revealing the city and it's Bali.
[231] It's like the most beautiful place ever.
[232] I won't go there.
[233] This is where we find out that Bali is not in the United States.
[234] Wait, what?
[235] I thought there were 51.
[236] Let's see here.
[237] Stephen's choking.
[238] Sorry.
[239] Sorry, we're so funny, Stephen.
[240] Sorry, Stephen.
[241] They use the code term saying hi, quote, for any time they would talk about the plan murder.
[242] These people sound fucking stupid.
[243] Don't you think this is perfect time to go and say, or let's say hi after we tell her the news.
[244] Heather and Tommy got convicted and they were both still in Bali prison.
[245] Oh, you don't want to be in Bali prison, I'm guessing.
[246] Is that the bad spot?
[247] I don't know.
[248] I just don't want to be, I don't know.
[249] It's like a jail out over blue crystal waters.
[250] Yeah, it sucks.
[251] There's like chaise lounges and shit.
[252] So much drinking out of coconuts.
[253] Oh, so many coconuts.
[254] Heather had her baby and is raising her daughter in the Bali prison.
[255] It also came out that in Chicago, hey, what if you were someone like, hey, where were you raised?
[256] In a prison.
[257] In a Bali prison with my mom.
[258] I'm a victim here.
[259] I'm totally innocent.
[260] But we should go visit my hometown.
[261] It's a fucking maximum security prison.
[262] This is where we had Christmas.
[263] Oh my God.
[264] It's corner.
[265] This is where my mom had, what's it called when you're by yourself the whole day?
[266] Being super lonely?
[267] Isolation issues?
[268] It also came out that in Chicago where Heather grew up that the police have been called to their house over 90 times because Heather would abuse her mom.
[269] Why the fuck was nothing done?
[270] Heather and Tommy both still post on social media like lunatics all the time and call and my fiancee is quote friends with both of them because he knew them back in high school.
[271] I'm sorry, he's calling her fucking crazy and he's friends with fucking murderers on Facebook.
[272] Yeah, this whole thing is gone.
[273] This person might be a little stone and just writing whatever they comes to their head.
[274] I think this is Olivia's call for try for help, but her fiancee is a visually, I mean, what's the word when you're speaking vocally abusing her what's the word verbally thank you you are visually abusing me you're vocal you look like shit and your vocals suck you look terrible he's gaslighting her he's telling her she's crazy and meanwhile he's like hey happy birthday heather there's there's so many victims in this story i don't know how it ends did i live for their social media posts and i can't look away in recent posts to her more than 17000 750 instagram followers have why do you get fucking Instagram in prison.
[275] Listen, wouldn't you follow someone that's in a Bali prison?
[276] Why did she get Instagram?
[277] Oh, yeah.
[278] Because I think Bali Prison is the shit.
[279] Okay, here's what she wrote.
[280] Do you want to know what Heather wrote on her Instagram?
[281] Yeah.
[282] I know y 'all haters getting ready to throw me at home, a homecoming party.
[283] I know y 'all haters getting ready to throw me a homecoming party.
[284] So that's sarcasm.
[285] Probably not.
[286] I don't think, I think sarcasm is for smart people.
[287] There are so many more details than I don't want to be.
[288] this to be too long.
[289] So here's the link.
[290] Love you both.
[291] X -O -Xo, Exo, Olivia.
[292] Olivia, what the hell did you just tell us?
[293] Honey, there are places you can go to get away.
[294] Do you, is now, is Heather leaving Bali prison to go to a cyber cafe down the street from the prison to, to log on?
[295] Or does she get to have her own laptop in Bali prison?
[296] I bet you.
[297] Why, okay, why would prisoners have access to computers.
[298] I mean, did she earn it?
[299] Did she mop really hard that week?
[300] Like high school students, we barely got access to computers.
[301] Yeah.
[302] It's crazy.
[303] And then it was only like fucking, uh, the Oregon trail and shit.
[304] And also, what's that baby like?
[305] Does it have long hair like a hippie baby?
[306] No, it's got fucking vacation braids.
[307] Like it's been on a carnival cruise its whole life.
[308] Should we both do one more?
[309] Sure.
[310] Um, that was fucking nuts.
[311] All right.
[312] I have, again, this is a, this one is called Don't Have Children.
[313] I mean, you know what, don't have teenagers.
[314] That's right.
[315] I'm going to do this one from Thomas.
[316] I always want to say the last name.
[317] I know.
[318] The subject line is my mom almost went on a blind date with a special ed teacher slash killer.
[319] Oh, man. Okay.
[320] Hi, murder queens.
[321] Ooh, I like that.
[322] That's fun.
[323] Fuck yeah.
[324] Long time listener, first time emailer.
[325] And then a smiley face made with parents.
[326] parentheses and stuff.
[327] Elvis, not now.
[328] So when I was eight years old, my folks got divorced.
[329] Two years later in 1992, my mom was, oh my God, I was already, I was already a deep alcoholic at this point.
[330] My mom, it's not about me. Okay, two years later in 1990s.
[331] Only about you.
[332] In 1992, my mom was already, was ready enough to try to start dating again.
[333] I don't do it.
[334] She had a close friend that she worked with, we'll call him Sammy, that lived near us with his wife.
[335] He really felt bad for my mom and her ugly divorce and offered to set her up with his brother on a blind date.
[336] Stephen Clark Foster was a special ed teacher at a suburban elementary school in the Portland, Oregon area called Oregon City.
[337] Everything went to hell, however, just one week before she was to go on the date with Sammy's brother.
[338] This was early October 1992, and the principal from Stephen Foster School, Alan Dean Gallagher, had to be.
[339] gone missing.
[340] Gallagher.
[341] The comedian.
[342] His first name's Alan.
[343] Is it?
[344] No. Oh.
[345] And that was a way inside baseball stand -up comedy joke about the comedian Gallagher.
[346] I am not way into baseball.
[347] It also wasn't funny.
[348] So he had gone missing and hadn't been heard from in nearly a week, likely wracked with guilt and shame, Stephen Foster called 911 from a pay phone, to say that he had information regarding the principal's disappearance.
[349] I believe the police dispatcher told him to stay there.
[350] They'd have a patrol car come to his location at the payphone to speak with him.
[351] However, he panicked, got in his car and left.
[352] Police did not find him at the phone booth, however.
[353] They later spotted his car driving on the I -405 in downtown Portland.
[354] Foster eventually pulled his car over atop the Fremont Bridge, the highest bridge over the Willamette River, and was observed pacing back and forth.
[355] Bye.
[356] Obviously, the police feared he was.
[357] was contemplating jumping to his death, the homicide detectives that followed him, were able to convince him to get into their car with them and go talk with them at a safer location off the bridge.
[358] Foster admitted that he had some sort of dispute with his principal.
[359] I believe he was caught stealing something from the school or someone at the school as Foster had multiple arrests in the past for theft over the years.
[360] But they go ahead and hire him as a teacher.
[361] Hired.
[362] Yep.
[363] And then he's just like packing that backpack with Post -it.
[364] note.
[365] He stated that he lured Gallagher to his home, where he repeatedly stabbed his boss in the chest, neck, and abdomen until he died.
[366] Don't do it.
[367] Foster drove Gallagher's body 35 miles west of Portland, buried his body in a shallow grave while the detectives were waiting for officers from Oregon City to arrive at where they had pulled over with Foster.
[368] The special ed teacher slid over from the front passenger seat into the driver's seat of the detective's cruiser after slipping his handcuffed hands from his back to his front side and began to take off, pedal to the metal.
[369] As he nearly hit the officers as he pulled out, one of the detectives opened fire with his service pistol and two bullets struck Foster in the abdomen.
[370] Foster didn't make it very far thereafter crashing the cruiser into a utility pole just down the street.
[371] Foster would be taken to the hospital where he would later succumb to his wounds and die.
[372] Officers were able to use the information Foster gave them just before shooting.
[373] to locate the principal's body that later that day.
[374] Needless to say, that put my mom off dating even longer.
[375] I was going to ask how the date was.
[376] After that near date with a killer, best wishes from murderino Thomas, stay sexy, don't get dead.
[377] P .S. I'm also a distant relative of Charles Lindbergh and the Lindberg baby.
[378] Oh, I love that story.
[379] A fascinating murder in itself.
[380] I agree.
[381] I'm fascinated with that murder.
[382] Yeah, it's so sad.
[383] It's so what happened.
[384] I know what?
[385] I think I know.
[386] happen.
[387] I think it got so foiled in the beginning.
[388] I don't want to say what it is in case we both do it.
[389] Okay.
[390] Should we both do it one time?
[391] And then debate.
[392] Debate the same point.
[393] Just so you know, he also says he got his tickets for the dollop's 1126 Portland show this week.
[394] Can we?
[395] Oh, we don't give a shit if you're going to the dollop.
[396] Fuck the doll.
[397] No, I love them.
[398] No, just kidding.
[399] We love the dollop.
[400] They're our sister podcast.
[401] They are.
[402] And that was two weeks ago.
[403] Yeah.
[404] Thanks, Thomas.
[405] So we can plug it all we want.
[406] Yeah, that's right.
[407] They're not fucking encroach on our motherfucking.
[408] Wow, man, that sucks.
[409] That's, well, what's crazy to me is he got caught stealing something from a school, so he stabbed the principal repeatedly.
[410] Get fired.
[411] Collect unemployment.
[412] What could be in that school?
[413] A typewriter?
[414] Like, what's the most valuable thing?
[415] In the 90s.
[416] It doesn't make sense.
[417] A vending machine?
[418] It had to be more than that.
[419] I bet it was like he was molesting children.
[420] Yeah.
[421] But why wouldn't they maybe it's not they can't prove it so they're just saying it's like a how i want to know like immediately i was like the the cop who was able to talk him off the ledge and into the cop car like that guy deserves a medal and then some fucking rookie cop like ruined it for him because the way he put the because he put the handcuffs on wrong or not tight on no not or he put him in the front seat instead of the locking him in the back and then shot him and the guy was like i was much get a fucking medal for like talking this guy off a fucking bridge.
[422] You made the metal up though.
[423] But let's pretend there's a metal.
[424] You're right.
[425] You're right.
[426] But what I was going to say is what if he's one of those like, like from a distance, you're just like, oh, that's just some dude.
[427] But then underneath like his sweater, he's like a total yoga guy.
[428] So like he was going to be able to flip those like get his like double jointed or weirdly able to get getting your hands from back to front.
[429] Oh yeah.
[430] in handcuffs is not an easy thing to do in a car but what do you think was going to happen i thought you were going to ask if he was going to do like a fucking handstand off the bridge he just hypnotize everybody wanted to do a sun salutation and then they're like you know what i think he's a good guy let him go he's good at yoga let him go let go let go okay hey this is exciting an all new season of only murders in the building is coming to hulu on August 27th.
[431] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.
[432] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[433] Who killed Saz?
[434] And were they really after Charles?
[435] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[436] This season, murder hits close to home.
[437] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[438] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[439] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[440] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll.
[441] Get ready.
[442] for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[443] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[444] Goodbye.
[445] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[446] Absolutely.
[447] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[448] Exactly.
[449] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[450] But did you know that they also, power in -person sales?
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[464] Goodbye.
[465] Last one.
[466] This one is called My Aunt and Uncle were friends with a Murder And he was a mortician.
[467] Levels.
[468] Jessica.
[469] Hi, Georgia and Karen.
[470] Love your podcast, obviously.
[471] My best friend and I are obsessed and basically wanted to be you guys when we grow up.
[472] Are you calling us old?
[473] That's rude.
[474] So here's my favorite murder probably ever.
[475] Also, I don't make this sound interesting because I might, wait.
[476] Also, if I don't make this sound interesting because I might not just watch the movie about the guy.
[477] Nope, girl, this is all about your fucking story.
[478] Yeah, that's right.
[479] time to shine my uncle was a mortuary was in mortuary school in lake charles louisiana probably is it say la uh -huh yeah uh and worked side by side with this really nice guy named bernie tide they worked t i e d e they worked at a local funeral home together basically 24 7 for a year i recently texted my uncle about it and he casually responded we would go to remove dead people from their place of their places of death together, embalmed together, and work funerals together.
[480] You get the idea.
[481] Just like the Vernon Shirley.
[482] She wrote, you know, the usual.
[483] My aunt and uncle then moved to the Shreveport area, but kept in touch with Bernie.
[484] Apparently, he would visit them in Shreveport while he was living in Cathridge, Texas.
[485] I know that's Texas.
[486] And they would have him over for dinner and catch up.
[487] Okay, here's where the story gets awesome.
[488] So Bernie was in Cathridge, doing his mortician thing for a small town, running the funeral home, etc. And he was like the nicest guy, apparently.
[489] one in the community you loved him.
[490] In 1990, is this the short, is this what fucking Jack Gallifinacus?
[491] It's Jack Black.
[492] Fuck.
[493] Sorry.
[494] But to Sim, you're thinking of the, that's the other one where they were both running for mayor or whatever.
[495] No, I'm not.
[496] Are you sure?
[497] The one you're thinking of is Bernie, which is Jack Black, where it's the little mustache and the curly hair.
[498] I've seen at like four times.
[499] I'm telling you.
[500] I believe you, but I think it is.
[501] This is a Veronica Lake situation where I guarantee you.
[502] Karen, I have never been wrong in the past 30, seconds before this.
[503] Here's how I know.
[504] Because I love the movie, Bernie, because I could watch Jack Black do nothing.
[505] But in this movie, he is so insanely hilarious.
[506] Okay, you have to admit that they both kind of like resemble each other.
[507] So I'm not insane.
[508] No, not in the least.
[509] And they're, they're both playing like effeminate southern guys like like mustache.
[510] Like what Zach Falkall, Galapagas, plays when he plays his brother.
[511] Yes, exactly.
[512] Same character.
[513] In baskets.
[514] Right.
[515] It's the same thing in that one.
[516] But that's one where he's running again.
[517] against Will Ferrell in Bernie, which is a true, based on a true story, it really happened.
[518] I'm thinking of that movie.
[519] I think I'm just thinking of the wrong person.
[520] Yeah, you've recasted in your mind.
[521] Listen, I have to air freshener at 13 years old.
[522] Like, I'm not going to fucking remember everything.
[523] And I'm okay.
[524] Like, I accept that.
[525] This is called the Fabri's excuse, and I'm sick of hearing it.
[526] It was like a grocery store brand fucking.
[527] Like blade?
[528] Don't do drugs.
[529] Yes.
[530] Yeah.
[531] do do do do da da da da okay so he met this lady marjorie marge nougent awesome at her husband's funeral everyone says marjorie was this total bitch really bitter and pretty much hated everyone which is who i want to be when i'm old yeah i will be uh okay but bernie who was in his early thirties and marjory who was around 80 became inseparable pretty bizarre in nineteen when she had disinherited her son and left her five million estate to bernie okay what she says um and was kind of estranged from her kids and apparently.
[532] By 93, Bernie left his job to work for her full -time as her business manager and travel companion.
[533] Oh, my God.
[534] Stevens are Bernie.
[535] Stephen, that's your title.
[536] Basically, he was his old lady's...
[537] He has the mustache.
[538] He does.
[539] Basically, he was his old lady's assistant.
[540] So three years later, in 96, people notice Marjorie never left her house.
[541] Bernie was essentially spent all this time in her estate just said she was very ill and was taken care of her, but the...
[542] Bernie kept her the act for nine months, claiming she was ill and didn't want to leave the house and didn't want to speak to anyone um basically the kids came over and found her body in a freezer she had shot her in the back four times and then put her freezer and then put her in the freezer in the garage one of those old big standalone freezers which are so fucking awesome because there's so many fucking uh tv dinners in there that's right and like popsicles way at the bomb you forgot were in there yeah like like the shitty green and purple ones yeah then nobody wanted they kind of fell the box and then you're like well you could go move those rib -eye steaks over wrapped in white paper and see if you can't get yourself an old fudgical I did not expect that to end that way and it was gorgeous a fudgican an old fudgical that's your nickname the old fudgicle the old fudgicle apparently it was pretty shocking whenever it was because like I said he was a super nice guy until he snapped oh he wanted to hear something funny um he was in charge of everything If you want to watch the movie, which stars Jack Black and Matthew McCona, I would have fought you for that.
[543] I know, I know.
[544] What is it run with me?
[545] No, I'm the exact same way.
[546] Because you have it in your head, like you can see it in your head.
[547] And so you're sure of it.
[548] I do the exact same thing.
[549] I mean, you can't tell me that they weren't, like, they weren't up for the world together.
[550] Like, you can't tell me. No, you're still right, even though you're wrong.
[551] For sure.
[552] I just want to be right on one fucking thing.
[553] Yep.
[554] It's called Bernie.
[555] It's on Netflix.
[556] Stay sexy.
[557] Don't get murdered.
[558] Jessica.
[559] P .S. until 2014, Bernie had been serving a life sentence, then some new info came out.
[560] Boring stuff that's not interesting.
[561] I wouldn't even go into it.
[562] Honey, you need to stop.
[563] You're great.
[564] Got released on bail.
[565] Part of the terms of that between his release and resentencing, he had to reside in us, I don't know, but Richard Link Letters, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[566] Like how in the actual fact, did they decide that it was a reasonable condition of his release?
[567] The end.
[568] Oh, like, basically that they were like, he's kind of nice and he's, good.
[569] So he gets to get out, but he has to live with this person.
[570] Oh, I see.
[571] He has to live with filmmaker Richard Linkletter.
[572] I guess.
[573] I didn't read it that well.
[574] If that's the terms of parole, then so be it.
[575] I'll take it.
[576] Well, I would recommend watching that movie, Bernie, if you are bored.
[577] The only thing that's stressful for me, I was watching it, what I would say about a year ago.
[578] And there's a part where Jack Black is singing a hymn in the church.
[579] And he's doing the thing where he moves his lip it's just he's the funniest person but it's really stressful because if you are avoiding anything in your life like say a bill or there's something that's kind of hanging over your head movies like that like for me it was stressing me out so bad because he's avoiding like he's killed her right and so she's in the freezer and then he's trying to put people off and like do this dance and like around town he's kind of like trying to like make it so that the problem never surfaces like waiting to get found found out is a stress for you.
[580] Like when you really kind of lied to someone and like you know they're going to find out one day so you have to tell them but you don't want them to like.
[581] Well for me it's less of a lie and more of like the it was my for a long time it was my taxes that I never took care of but I knew I had to.
[582] And you're just like going about your life pretending that you don't have this huge fucking problem.
[583] Yes.
[584] Which drains you in every way and is so terrible to do to yourself but you pretend like it's just easier to like to procrastinate.
[585] procrastinate than it is to take care of something when actually it's the exact opposite.
[586] When you see it in a movie, you go, this fucking ridiculous.
[587] Like you're in pain for him.
[588] Yes.
[589] And you see how dumb it is to do to yourself.
[590] That's how I feel about people who like cheat on someone and then have to keep, decide never to tell them.
[591] Yeah.
[592] Like I'd rather tell them and they break up with me than have to keep that for fucking 25 years.
[593] But I think there are people who like cheating.
[594] They like having a secret.
[595] Like there's that thing too of people who are like.
[596] I just told people that I fucking huffed.
[597] air freshener.
[598] So clearly I'm not one of those.
[599] You're not a secret person.
[600] No. No, I don't think I am either.
[601] But I realized that that used to make me really mad about people, like, how dishonorable it is.
[602] And it's like, nah, everybody has a thing.
[603] Give them, let them have it.
[604] Let them have their thing.
[605] Yeah.
[606] Whatever.
[607] Just don't be a dick.
[608] Then you can just, like, if you find out about it, you can just, like, walk away and be like, well, I wash my hands of you.
[609] Yeah.
[610] You don't have to be, like, destroyed.
[611] It's like, oh, that's your thing.
[612] What an unfortunate situation for you.
[613] Therapy.
[614] Yeah.
[615] Like, tell your therapist.
[616] find something else wait maybe you like kites you're not even giving him a chance because you're so into cheating oh my god people who like are really into kites that's a thing that's what it is they're like i love box kites because i used to fuck every woman in town that was why i killed an old woman she's in the freezer she's still in the freezer look at this kite it has eyes the eyes are looking down at you there's tails is that a thing on kites tails oh my god it's a huge piece of kites Uncle Andy's really into tales.
[617] I mean, Thanks for listening to maybe the craziest episode of the Minnesota.
[618] This is a great one.
[619] Thanks for sending those in.
[620] Keep doing it.
[621] Keep doing it.
[622] It's good times.
[623] My favorite murder at Gmail and say, what's up to Stephen?
[624] Say what's up to Stephen?
[625] Tell him to get on his homework.
[626] Really?
[627] Tell him to make our fucking lives easier already.
[628] Please, Jesus.
[629] It's 2017 already.
[630] and stay sexy.
[631] And don't get murdered.
[632] Bye.
[633] Elvis, you want a mini cookie?
[634] He's eating, I can hear it.
[635] You want a mini cookie?
[636] Yeah, there we go.
[637] Okay, bye.
[638] Bye, bye.