Ellie Kemper

[0] Hi, my name is Ellie Kemper, and I feel thrilled about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Think about brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Hello, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[4] I am the aforementioned Conan O 'Brien here with two of my quote friends.

[5] I'll put them in quotes.

[6] Sonam of Sessian, nice to see you, Sona.

[7] What, why are we quote friends?

[8] Well, you know, just it gives me a level of security, uh, knowing that it could go either way.

[9] And, uh, we got Matt Gourley in Da House with us.

[10] How are you, Matt?

[11] Quote, hello, unquote, quote, hello.

[12] Um, how are you guys?

[13] Pretty good.

[14] Okay, you said in Da House, like DA?

[15] Yeah, isn't that?

[16] I just, I need to constantly show that I have street cred.

[17] Because everything about me screams no street crept.

[18] But that's street cred from about 25 years ago.

[19] It doesn't matter.

[20] matter to me. Okay.

[21] He still raises the roof.

[22] I still raise the roof.

[23] I'm, I still raise the roof.

[24] Erica Brown, yeah, who works at the show.

[25] Yeah.

[26] He's constantly telling me you cannot raise the roof, Conan.

[27] Yeah.

[28] It's no one raises the roof anymore.

[29] And she says it with great authority.

[30] You still do it.

[31] I, I want any kind of street credit.

[32] And if my street credit is circa in 1984, I'll take it.

[33] When's the last time you pumped up the jams?

[34] Oh my God.

[35] I did that this morning.

[36] Okay.

[37] I pumped up the jam, pump it up, pump it up, pump it up, pumped up the jam, pump it up, pump it up.

[38] I, uh, it doesn't matter to me what era street cred I get.

[39] If it's 23 Skidoo, street creed from, from 1938, I'll take it.

[40] That was street creed back then?

[41] Yeah.

[42] I think so.

[43] Hey, 23 Skadoo there.

[44] Don't mess with that person.

[45] Don't mess with him.

[46] He's a badass.

[47] He just said 23 Skidoo.

[48] I don't, I will take any era of street cred.

[49] I don't care.

[50] All right.

[51] That's cool.

[52] Yeah.

[53] You're really cool.

[54] You're a really cool guy.

[55] You don't think I'm cool at all, do you?

[56] I think you could be cool.

[57] I think you try to be cool and then you stop yourself from being cool.

[58] I don't want to be cool.

[59] No one wants me. And also, you know what?

[60] No one wants me to be cool.

[61] That's the other thing.

[62] I don't know.

[63] They just don't want it.

[64] Let's give it a shot.

[65] What if you sincerely tried right now to be cool?

[66] What would it be like?

[67] I don't know.

[68] Be Lila, me not caring too much.

[69] Your voice changed.

[70] I mean, that kind of works for me. That's...

[71] I don't care.

[72] Hey, I don't care if it works for you or it doesn't.

[73] This is my energy now.

[74] I'm just...

[75] Fuck it.

[76] Whatever.

[77] Yeah.

[78] Yeah.

[79] I'm down with this guy.

[80] I like this guy too.

[81] Yeah.

[82] I'm not even gonna try.

[83] I don't know.

[84] Cool.

[85] You know what?

[86] I don't know.

[87] I just...

[88] Just women are fascinated by me because I just don't care about them of their feelings.

[89] You ruined it.

[90] You ruined it.

[91] Cool guys don't say women are fascinated by me. No, they don't.

[92] No. You know, it makes me sexy.

[93] I just don't fucking care.

[94] No, you're ruining it.

[95] Hey, Conan, we're late for six period.

[96] We better get going.

[97] You guys go ahead.

[98] I'm going to chill out here in the yard.

[99] The yard?

[100] Yeah.

[101] Smoke another bone.

[102] What a bone?

[103] And I'm going to roll these dice.

[104] You guys go ahead.

[105] I used to think that Conan guy was so cool, but he's so weird.

[106] Tell the teacher, I said, hey, daddy, oh.

[107] Who rolls dice by themselves?

[108] He's just going to roll it and pick it up and roll it again?

[109] I play dice solitaire.

[110] Pretty cool guy.

[111] Yeah, you guys go ahead, go to class, whatever.

[112] Tell the teacher, I said, what's new, 23 Skidoo?

[113] I'm out here smoking my J -bone, my jazz cigarette, and I got these dice that I'm going to roll by myself.

[114] Hey, Sona, who's that 58 -year -old guy playing dice solitaire in the yard?

[115] I don't know, but he really wants to be cool, and it's just...

[116] I don't want to be cool, I just am.

[117] I got a feather in my cap.

[118] this Belgian cap I've got leather pants I've got big puffy sneakers puffy sneakers yeah what you're just wearing slippers yeah they're ugs wearing these ugs and I got I've got I've got ugs from 15 years ago and I've got leather pants and I'm playing dice by myself and smoking a joint that looks like it was made probably right after World War II and I've got a feather in my cap and I don't give a shit about what class you guys are in or what's happening.

[119] Yeah.

[120] What do I care?

[121] Yeah, who cares about American history, right?

[122] Well, actually, I passionately care.

[123] No, no, no, no, Connie, you got to stay with it.

[124] Stay with it.

[125] I don't care.

[126] Stop it, yeah.

[127] I think America is history.

[128] Like, whatever, it's over.

[129] If I told you then that Edwin Booth killed Abraham Lincoln, what would you say?

[130] I'd probably start to get mad, but then remember I'm not supposed to.

[131] to care, and I would quickly regain my senses and be cool again.

[132] I'm very cool.

[133] That's why women are so attracted to me. Fascinated with you.

[134] Is that, you're fascinated with me. It's because I just don't care.

[135] I'm such.

[136] I think they're fascinated with you like a scientist is to like a petri dish.

[137] Women are like, what is that?

[138] How does that work?

[139] I must find out more.

[140] I like that the Cryptonite to your cool is us giving out misinformation about American history.

[141] Well, that's just bullshit.

[142] Edwin was a great Shakespearean actor.

[143] No, Conan, no. I mean, oh, I don't care which booth it was.

[144] I don't care if Lincoln was shot by a phone booth.

[145] Yes.

[146] See, that's cool.

[147] Yeah.

[148] Who's this guy?

[149] Wow, he's fascinating.

[150] Yeah.

[151] I don't know that booths, the booths are from Maryland.

[152] Oh, man. Oh, let's go.

[153] No, now we know you do.

[154] We know you do.

[155] Okay.

[156] All right, we have a wonderful show.

[157] Wonderful show, hosted by maybe the coolest, sexiest guy who just doesn't give a shit in all the business.

[158] My guest today is a very funny actress who starred in such shows as The Office and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

[159] And in the hilarious movie Bridesmaids, now you can see her in the new Disney Plus movie, Home Sweet Home Alone.

[160] I am thrilled.

[161] She's with us today.

[162] Ellie Kemper, welcome.

[163] Wanted to be on your podcast for a very long time.

[164] Well, I, you know, first of all, as you know, it's a very long line to get on this podcast.

[165] You know, Megan Markle's been waiting to be on the podcast for two years, and there just isn't time.

[166] I'm like, no, we've got to talk to Abe Fogoda's son.

[167] I've got to talk to Mickey Rooney's attorney.

[168] Yeah, there's a line.

[169] There's a long line, and you've got to respect that.

[170] But, Ellie, I want to start right away by letting people in on the fact that you and I have a special relationship because, you know, and this is not even a humble brag.

[171] This is a brag, brag, but I took you under my wing when you were very young and gave you the honor, the high honor of being an intern on my show who worked for free.

[172] One of the highest honors that can be bestowed on anybody, and we all know that that is the gateway into show business.

[173] Yes.

[174] Well, you might be joking a little, but you're not wrong.

[175] Look at all the people who have thrived in show business after interning for you.

[176] Yeah.

[177] Well, a lot of people from the office.

[178] Yeah, John Cresensky.

[179] John Cresensky was an intern.

[180] Mindy Kaling, Angela Kinsey.

[181] We've had a lot of people don't know, Sir Ian McKellen was an intern on the show at 95 to 98.

[182] And guess what?

[183] Total asshole.

[184] we'd send him on coffee runs and that doesn't surprise me we'd send him on coffee runs and he wouldn't even come back and then he would come back and he'd be wearing a robe and there'd be no coffee and he'd say, you shall not pass!

[185] It'd be like, what?

[186] We just want coffee.

[187] You shall not pass!

[188] No, we had, and it's so funny because I don't remember it, were you a good intern, be honest, and be honest because some people think of themselves as a good intern and I don't remember.

[189] I don't recall.

[190] Right, right, right.

[191] I, again, not humble bragging, just now bragging.

[192] I was a good intern.

[193] Well, first of all, let me just be clear.

[194] I was 25 years old, which is a little old to be an intern.

[195] But that's how old I was.

[196] That is ancient for being an intern.

[197] It's embarrassing.

[198] No, for an intern.

[199] No, I'm not being mean.

[200] You are a very young and attractive person.

[201] To this day, I am just saying the average intern, I mean, He's 19, is in college.

[202] I think Krasinski was 11 when he was an intern.

[203] And he was the exact same height that he is today.

[204] It was just this giant ape of a child.

[205] Yeah.

[206] Well, do you want to know that?

[207] So my younger sister, Carrie, who's four years younger than I am, she essentially got me the gig because she was an intern for you before I was.

[208] So she knew Aaron Cohen, if you remember that name.

[209] Yeah, I do.

[210] From, yeah.

[211] And so he's who I interviewed with.

[212] And she put in a good word.

[213] She might, you know, well, at that time, I guess she was 21 -year -old sister.

[214] put in a good word for me, and I think that's how I got, well, I was about to say the job, but it was more a volunteer job, I guess.

[215] It's not a, I mean, we didn't pay, no money changed hands, but I would have guessed you'd be a really good intern.

[216] And I don't know, did we have any interactions?

[217] Did you ever see me, did I ever explode at you and say, don't leave me, I'm a celebrity.

[218] You, I did not have that many interactions with you, in fact.

[219] We wrote up on the elevator a few times with Deb Shaw, who used to do costumes for you.

[220] And there, I seem to have run into you in the costume, I don't know, station.

[221] I used to go there a lot and dress as a woman.

[222] I was often, it made me comfortable.

[223] I would go there and dress as Carmen Miranda.

[224] I'd put fruit on my head.

[225] I always like things with a bare midriff.

[226] But I spent a lot of time in the costume room.

[227] I did.

[228] I thought it made me feel very happy.

[229] I don't know.

[230] That's where I saw you.

[231] I saw you like twice and both times were there.

[232] Yeah.

[233] And I was, I am diligent.

[234] I'm a good student.

[235] And I was, yeah, I was a good intern.

[236] There was one time I mixed up a lunch order.

[237] You were in the Simon & Schuster building.

[238] I know.

[239] Your offices were being redone.

[240] Yes, they were redoing our offices to put even more paintings of me on the wall that had my insistence.

[241] Your demand.

[242] I found, I think, I remember I found three square inches where there was no depiction of me on the wall.

[243] And I lost it.

[244] And so they moved us to a building next door, the Simon & Schuster building.

[245] So we were in a different, I remember that era well.

[246] So you would have been an intern there.

[247] And I'm glad you have no stories of me, you know, behaving insanely.

[248] That's good.

[249] Nothing explosive.

[250] Nothing insane.

[251] And there was, I think I was still an intern when I got to be in a sketch with you where Andrew Weinberg wrote this, where I...

[252] You keep referencing people that no one cares about.

[253] You're like, I remember, I was writing on an interview up the elevator with you and Deb Shaw, right, ladies and gentlemen?

[254] I love Deb Shaw.

[255] Shout out to Deb Shaw.

[256] But you've got to stop mentioning these people.

[257] I mean, you know.

[258] I keep thinking this is just a little FaceTime with you.

[259] Like a FaceTime, like a FaceTime call.

[260] But I'll stop.

[261] I'll only name huge names from now.

[262] Only name.

[263] Like just, or if you're going to name, instead of Weinberg, just say like, it was you, me, and Elton John.

[264] And we were on the elevator.

[265] And we were each holding boiled eggs that we got at the commissary.

[266] Like that's just substitute big names.

[267] Okay.

[268] That's a story.

[269] That's a story that's going to really pop.

[270] resonate, people will know exactly who I'm talking about, and they will be in awe.

[271] But I got to be in a sketch.

[272] Yeah, now that I'm actually thinking about it, I did not interact with you that much.

[273] But that's appropriate.

[274] You're the host of the goddamn show.

[275] I mean, what's a lowly intern going to be walking?

[276] Yeah, I mean, to be honest with you, I still think it's inappropriate that you're speaking to me. That's why I went.

[277] You saw me eight minutes late.

[278] I'm sweating.

[279] Let's talk about that.

[280] Well, we can get into that.

[281] We can get into that right now, Ellie Kemper.

[282] I know.

[283] So everybody is on time, you know, because.

[284] I know that.

[285] Everybody.

[286] I was on time.

[287] So today I come in and I sit down and I say, oh, okay, and we're waiting around a little bit.

[288] And then it's time and then it's past time and then more waiting.

[289] And, you know, I time the cocaine so it really peaks at the key moment.

[290] And I'm starting to come down from the Coke, from all the blow.

[291] And then you show up.

[292] The blow.

[293] Then you show up late.

[294] But you said there was traffic, a lot of traffic.

[295] Everyone, so I'm speaking to you from Sweet NYC.

[296] We all know, it's three hours later here.

[297] I'm assuming you're in L .A. I can't say where I am for security reasons.

[298] You're not in this.

[299] I think you're in a different time.

[300] No, it's in the South Pacific.

[301] It's an island in the South Pacific that I own.

[302] That used to belong to the military and then the Google guys owned it and then I bought it from them.

[303] Okay.

[304] That's all.

[305] I know no more questions about that.

[306] Yeah.

[307] But I, well, this is dramatic.

[308] I got out of the car and ran because I could see we weren't getting anywhere and so I that, so it was faster on foot than in a car.

[309] I think everyone bought a car since the pandemic because no one wants to ride public transit and so, I mean, that's what my driver and I decided as we were stuck in traffic that everyone had bought a car.

[310] There's been traffic in Manhattan I think since 1928.

[311] I think you're right.

[312] There are people stuck in traffic that were, that have been there since shortly after World War I and there have been in the same traffic jam and they just have they keep deciding should I get out and walk I'll give it a little longer then their jawbone falls off but that happens all the time I had to be at your show when I was an intern at 11 a .m and I would be late I would I remember looking at big clock by by Rockefeller Center that's a big name Rockefeller Center I can mention that people will be like right just add more celebrities to it I found Andrew Weinberg yeah well here you go with Andrew Weinberg by the way shout out to Andrew Weinberg, brilliant writer, but from now on when we mentioned him on the podcast, he's David Bowie, okay?

[313] It just makes it more interesting.

[314] So anyway, David Bowie wrote a sketch for the show that you were in, and you and I were in it together, right?

[315] We were in it together, and I had, so, well, I don't know how to set it up.

[316] I'm going to give away the gag first.

[317] It probably wasn't that funny.

[318] Well, if David Bowie wrote it.

[319] Yeah, but I came in and I'm mad at you.

[320] I look pregnant in the sketch, okay?

[321] So one is led to believe, oh, I'm pregnant with your baby.

[322] Right.

[323] Well, the gag is it's a volleyball.

[324] I can't remember exactly what the punchline was.

[325] Trust me, there may not have been a punchline.

[326] We did, you know, we did, Ellie, we did a volume business on late night.

[327] You did.

[328] We moved a lot of merchandise.

[329] Yeah.

[330] We were there every night cranking out material.

[331] And let's not dwell too much on maybe what the gag was.

[332] But I'm certain they cast you because you're a redhead.

[333] Yeah.

[334] Oh, yeah.

[335] And so I'm certain that they thought, oh, there's a thing.

[336] this, you know, talented redhead intern on the staff.

[337] She's the one who will be Conan's sister, you know, Conan's wife who's way too young for Conan, you know, Conan's, you know, mom will put old age makeup on her.

[338] Whenever a redhead, whenever there was a redhead, that's the level of our imagination was you must now be in a sketch where you play one of Conan's relatives.

[339] And by the way, I come from a very large family and I was the only redhead.

[340] No one I had, I had that copper red hair when I was a kid.

[341] Yeah, and no one else.

[342] My dad's got dark hair.

[343] My mom had sort of like chestnut brown hair.

[344] You can attest to this.

[345] I was the only true redhead in the family.

[346] That's true.

[347] Now isn't that surprising?

[348] Not surprising because neither of your parents had it, I guess.

[349] And our gardener was a redhead.

[350] Oh.

[351] And his name was Conan.

[352] No. No, it's not surprising because I guess it's a very squirrely gene that that so people can have 11 children and all of them can be redheads or they can have 11 children and one can be a redhead and no one else you never know so what's your story are you one of many redheads i'm one of one i am limited edition well yeah right my mom that's like me this is why they cast you described but there's a difference between your story and my story which is that my mom has red hair my mom dorothy kemper has she has red hair i oh no she's not a name but I dropped it anyway.

[353] But no, she's very famous in our house.

[354] No, she's famous adjacent, so that's fair.

[355] Yes, so that's fair.

[356] But next time you tell, yeah.

[357] But next time you tell a story about your mom, you've got to switch it, you know.

[358] I got it.

[359] And it's got to be Luciano Pavarotti, the famous opposite.

[360] My mom, Pavarotti.

[361] Poverati.

[362] Yeah.

[363] She has red hair.

[364] I'm one of four, and I have an older brother, a younger sister, and a younger brother, and they're all brown.

[365] They're all, can you call, does a man, is he a brunette or are only women brunettes?

[366] Let's see.

[367] I don't know.

[368] I don't know.

[369] I don't know.

[370] I don't know.

[371] I don't, I'm, I just only think, I just never think about men at all.

[372] I know, I know.

[373] Sure.

[374] Sure you don't.

[375] But yeah, no, I don't know.

[376] I want to hold one and be with one, but what's happening here?

[377] Hey, wait.

[378] What is that?

[379] Or did we?

[380] Okay.

[381] Maybe this is the real me finally at last.

[382] You know, but so we've talked a little bit about how you interned on the show and then and did some work as a sketch performer.

[383] Yes.

[384] And then the next time I notice you cropping up is on the office.

[385] Is that correct?

[386] And I'm sure you did things in between, but.

[387] Commercials.

[388] You did commercials.

[389] These were commercials that were widely circulated.

[390] Actually, I have to, apparently not wide enough, but because you aren't familiar with them.

[391] But, yeah, no, they were widely circulated.

[392] Oh, I was in, yes, they paid the bills.

[393] I got a lucky streak of commercials, in fact.

[394] But the next, the big job was the one on the office.

[395] That's exactly right.

[396] And that was, you know, I think that was about four years after interning for you.

[397] Yeah.

[398] That's, I mean, I really do think Greg Daniels, who I really do think for a while he was just taking the list of my interns and hiring them directly.

[399] I think that was the level.

[400] Because I later on noticed that he didn't even have.

[401] people working in casting.

[402] It was just anybody who had gotten me coffee or he was immediately hiring them.

[403] Was on the show.

[404] Yeah.

[405] And it seems to have worked, but you played, you know, it's funny because you show up on that program and you felt like you showed up at a time when you felt like, well, they've got everything they need on this show.

[406] And your character, Aaron, was great because it was a different take.

[407] Your relationship with Michael Scott was different.

[408] And, I mean, Dwight Shrewt really looked up to Michael, but you idolized Michael in this way that was a different energy than what anyone else was supplying, which I thought was kind of cool.

[409] Very cool.

[410] It was a great dynamic.

[411] It was, of course, so fun for me to play because she was in the same universe as Michael Scott, I think, and did see him as a father figure and idolized him in a way that I think, yeah, besides Dwight, no one else really did.

[412] And I got, my character entered the story of the show because Pam was being promoted to a salesperson.

[413] And so a receptionist needed to fill the desk.

[414] And it was, anyway, it was a matter of like being in the right place at the right time.

[415] And I don't know, being an intern of yours and having that direct pipeline.

[416] But that was, of course, like the job of a lifetime.

[417] Yeah.

[418] Yeah, you know all those.

[419] Well, you know, it's funny because, first of all, you are so good.

[420] at playing optimism and uplift and kindness and joy and no guile.

[421] You're really good at that, that that was just in your wheelhouse for you to idolize this guy who shouldn't be idolized.

[422] And that's such a great comedy fountain that they could plug into that, of course, you're not going to get from the Pam character.

[423] Conan, that is, I just have to acknowledge what an enormous compliment that is from you.

[424] Thank you.

[425] I will remember that for the rest of my life.

[426] You just gave me a nice compliment.

[427] I think that that's a very, that sort of, like you said, guileless character hadn't been on the show.

[428] And like Michael and Aaron become pals.

[429] Like there's an episode called Cafe Disco where it's just Aaron and Michael just downstairs in this sort of homemade coffee shop, just like dancing, just partying.

[430] And it's really, it was, you know, it was a very unique, I think, relationship there.

[431] I cried in real life when Steve Carell was leaving the show, which sort of was undeserved because I had only, like, my tears were not.

[432] I didn't earn the right sort of to weep over Steve Carell's departure because I wasn't one of the originals.

[433] You know, I came in at the end of the fifth season, but I think I felt that dynamic, a little bit of that dynamic in real life, too.

[434] I don't know.

[435] It was a sweet relationship there.

[436] This reminds me of Paul Rudd was on the last episode of Friends, the final episode.

[437] and he's such a horse's ass, but he's on the last episode guest starring and the show ends and it's this end of this iconic series and everybody comes forward for this big bow and he said he decided he just went out and he walked up to the whole cast and he said, we did it and gave them a big hug and he said they were looking at him kind of like You know, he was mustering the same, but, you know, you know, that's me. Yeah, well, no, you had more right.

[438] You were actually in the cast.

[439] I was in the cast.

[440] You were the perfect person to play Kimmy Schmidt because there's, and this is what I think is attractive about this character that you have, this thing that you can access, which is, And I don't know if it comes from the Midwest, but you're able to access real sincerity and good -heartedness.

[441] That can be played for great comedy because I also think sometimes we're tired of Snark and characters who we've been, we're constantly bombarded with characters who are jaded and with people who have seen it all and done it all and they're rolling their eyes.

[442] and for your character to emerge from a bunker after all these years and just be so determined to see the world in a certain way is really nice.

[443] I mean, Will Ferrell did it an elf, and I think that is not an easy thing to do.

[444] You really did a beautiful job of it.

[445] Well, thank you very much.

[446] That show, Kimmy Schmidt, of course, was created by Robert Carlock and Tina Faye, who are masters of comedy writing.

[447] And I thought when I read the pilot that this would be very difficult to pull off because it was essentially a sitcom, but the premise for anyone who doesn't know is that it's about a woman named Kim Hseman, who was rescued from a bunker after being kidnapped and held underground for 15 years and emerges with as much optimism and spunk as though the thing had never happened.

[448] And it's a testament, I think, to her tenacity and fortitude that she's able to do that, but it is, you know, it's a sincere show, which I think, and it has heart.

[449] I have always had the utmost respect for Tina.

[450] Her standard is so high.

[451] She is, I think, very tough on herself.

[452] And if you look at 30 Rock and you look at the density of the jokes, there's so many of them.

[453] And they're also.

[454] good and you can tell that they just kept going back at that script and saying there can be more jokes and they can be better.

[455] I respect really hard workers and I think that good stuff comes from hard work and I don't know if I can think of a harder worker than Tina Faye.

[456] She's just determined to make things good and she has an iron will, you know.

[457] Oh, I know.

[458] And so I was not surprised when Kimmy Schmidt came out and I could just see the level of the writing is so superb because I can find myself watching TV sometimes or my kids will steer me to something and I can be a hard ass because I can say well they're kind of just getting away with attitude right now or they're kind of breaking the rule that I think is important and so I'm really fun to watch TV they look forward to it every night let's relax and watch TV with dad let's watch dad explain to us why this is shit.

[459] Why something's funny or bad.

[460] Why this thing we love is shit.

[461] Yeah.

[462] Yeah.

[463] Yeah.

[464] This thing we thought we were allowed to love, we can't.

[465] I, of course, you are exactly right.

[466] They are the hardest workers I've ever worked with.

[467] And those jokes, and now I'm without naming anything specific, since ending that show and going on to work on other stuff, it's I have such an even greater appreciation of the care that they took to hone every joke.

[468] Like you said, I can't imagine.

[469] Imagine how many times they went through each joke to make it just perfect.

[470] You know, in a way that I admire, kind of, there was no improv on that set, which I think is great because it makes, it's very clear what the instructions are.

[471] Improv can be wonderful.

[472] Improv can be wonderful and it can be a great tool.

[473] And obviously, in the right hands, people can improvise wonderful things.

[474] I think sometimes, and I mean this is a compliment, but Jud Appetat, used some improv in some of his early movies and he would encourage it with his actors but they did it in a very controlled situation with incredibly funny improvisers.

[475] I think the problem is that people saw that and said, oh, I get it, let people improvise and then I remembered seeing a whole slew of movies that were trying to do that and I think TV shows where they all thought they were being hilarious and you realized, you know what, this should have been worked out a room.

[476] Absolutely.

[477] It's a waste of everyone's time and resources.

[478] And like you said, sure, if you're going to get a band of world -class improvisers and do a run where they're, you know, if they have a funny idea, okay, good.

[479] But most people aren't world -class improvisers and should not improvise.

[480] And you might think it's funny in the room when you're shooting it, which it probably is not.

[481] And I'm coming out real hard against improvising.

[482] You know what I'm going to do?

[483] I'm going to edit out the part where I set it up saying I'm tough on improvising.

[484] Then we're just going to run the part where you shit on improvising.

[485] Then we're going to add another part where I say, hey, take it easy.

[486] I think improvisation is wonderful.

[487] What's your problem, Ellie Kemper?

[488] And yeah, and you're going to look so bad.

[489] Well, I hate improv and I always have.

[490] Just no, I'm kidding.

[491] There's a time and a place and usually the time of the place is not on a set.

[492] I'm going to go further.

[493] I think all theater is a huge waste of time.

[494] I know.

[495] You are so mad when Broadway reopened.

[496] Oh, my God.

[497] When Broadway bravely reopened in the face of COVID, I was enraged.

[498] And I was, I picketed, remember?

[499] I had a sign.

[500] You had a sign of everything.

[501] It said, down with theater and then parentheses, including Shakespeare.

[502] Oh, well, you specified it.

[503] Yeah, and I, very few people were behind me on that stance.

[504] Yeah.

[505] No, I know, but that's why it was all the more courageous, I thought.

[506] Yeah.

[507] No, theater is awful and it's sad.

[508] It happened as they've opened up their doors again.

[509] Ellie, you're yes -anding.

[510] It's just going to be, go very badly for you.

[511] Stop.

[512] Stop saying yes, Conan.

[513] You're right.

[514] I know.

[515] So I got to mention bridesmaids.

[516] And I'm curious, your perspective on the juggernaut that that became.

[517] I've always sort of really admired that there hasn't been like a bridesmaids to.

[518] There's something really lovely about deciding, no, we're not, we're not going to turn this into make nine of these.

[519] Conan, what if it was me?

[520] I was like, I put my foot down.

[521] Sorry, it's a joke because I'm such a supporting member.

[522] So, like, they couldn't have possibly made it without me. Well, you know, you did.

[523] It was you.

[524] I read about this.

[525] It was you.

[526] And they said, we can't.

[527] She has red hair and this needs to be a redhead.

[528] And then they came to me. Oh, they said, would I dress as you?

[529] And I had your back.

[530] I said, yes, I will.

[531] Yes, I will.

[532] And I'll do it for a lot less money.

[533] I just need to be in a movie.

[534] You know, it's a story not many people know about.

[535] But now I hope, you know, the listeners will continue.

[536] continue to spread what actually happened.

[537] I agree with you.

[538] Of course, I have nothing to do with the decisions to make a sequel, but I personally, and I hope it's okay to go on record agreeing with you yet again, which is that it's special in its own way.

[539] It was a really, I thought it came out so near perfectly almost.

[540] And it was not, you know, at the time a lot of the questions were about females being funny and it's a, I believe one quote was, it's a chick flick that doesn't suck.

[541] I don't know who, but it was maybe that was just my dad.

[542] I'm kidding.

[543] He doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't talk like that.

[544] I've always hated your father.

[545] The, uh, yeah, the absurd, the absurdity, first of all, it's a discovery that's been made hundreds of thousands of times before bridesmaids.

[546] Over and over.

[547] I know.

[548] I feel like Christopher Hitchens had just written his thing.

[549] I think that way, I think it was all in the zeitgeist and so it was something for journalists to ask about, but I, you mean, how does it feel to be women who are funny in a funny movie and not realizing how incredibly condescending that is.

[550] Oh, just the question alone.

[551] Yeah.

[552] And the thing is, Kristen Wigg and Annie Mummolo wrote the script and they wanted to tell a story about a woman getting married and how that makes her friends feel.

[553] And that was the story they wanted to tell and it involved a lot of women.

[554] And that was, you know, by chance, I guess.

[555] I mean, they didn't set out to like write a feminist manifesto or anything like that.

[556] And I couldn't be, I think that, you know, in certain cases, maybe sequels are, I can't come up with one right now.

[557] Oh, Paddington 2 is a good sequel.

[558] Oh, Paddington 2 is, I'm not doing a joke here, I happen to know this for a fact, considered, I think it's the highest rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes ever.

[559] Yep.

[560] It used to be Citizen Kane.

[561] And then, I'm not kidding, they found an early review of Citizen Kane that was unfavorable and it tipped the scales in favor of Paddington, too.

[562] Are you serious?

[563] No, and I have...

[564] I didn't know that.

[565] My kids told me about it and I said, wait, we're going to sit and watch Paddington 2.

[566] And this is, I think, two years ago, it was during COVID.

[567] Yeah.

[568] And I had a little bit of a, what is this?

[569] We're going to watch Paddington 2?

[570] Don't I need to have seen Paddington 1?

[571] And why are we even...

[572] Is it a bear?

[573] Why would I be...

[574] And I actually had grown a big Walrus mustache and I was wearing a vest, a vest and a top hat.

[575] Why are we going to watch?

[576] And my kids said, it's a perfect movie.

[577] I sat down and I watched this thing and I will attest to all my listeners that Paddington 2 it's one of the best crafted movies I've ever seen.

[578] And I'm not saying that with any irony.

[579] I'm not saying that like wink wink.

[580] You know, it is a perfect movie, Paddington 2.

[581] It's fantastic.

[582] So let me ask and then know.

[583] Have you seen Paddington one?

[584] I have not.

[585] I've not.

[586] I've almost, I hear it's really good too.

[587] I just happen to know that Paddington 2 has this oar about it.

[588] I'm going to, I'm almost afraid to watch one now because if it has the slightest flaw, I know.

[589] I'll be like, wait, you know, you just showed me a Faberget egg and now you're showing me a ham sandwich.

[590] Yeah, no, no, yeah.

[591] You can't, you can't.

[592] I don't disagree with that choice.

[593] But it is, it's fantastic.

[594] Hugh Grant is so good in that movie.

[595] Yeah, he's hilarious.

[596] Did you ever, did you stay to watch the credit?

[597] with his dance routine.

[598] Oh, what are you talking about?

[599] Of course I stayed to watch the credits because my children make sure I see every second of everything.

[600] Right.

[601] Because the Marvel movies have taught my children always stay through all the credits.

[602] There might be something special that happens.

[603] And that only, I've so many times seen them disappointed because we've stayed and watched all the credits to Shawshank Redemption.

[604] And nobody's dancing.

[605] They don't reunite everybody that was killed horribly in the movie.

[606] and they do a dance at the end.

[607] But to bring it back around, Bridesmaids is one of those films that any time it comes on, I want to say I have about 11 of these, anytime it comes on and I'm with my wife, that's what we're watching.

[608] I say this as, because here's what I felt like kind of an audience member in the airplane scene when Kristen has taken, I guess, an anti -anxiety pill.

[609] And so that whole scene was like watching, you know, a world -class show, a comedy show, right before me. So when I say that I enjoy watching it, of course, no one likes to watch him or herself.

[610] I mean, I don't think so.

[611] Do people like to watch themselves on camera?

[612] It's weird.

[613] Whatever.

[614] I know some people who love to watch themselves.

[615] I am not one, but I do know comedians.

[616] I want to know.

[617] But you don't have to say it.

[618] I mean, why would you say them?

[619] Maybe you're about to.

[620] Okay.

[621] I love the guy, but whenever, but John Lovitz, God love him.

[622] Whenever I was around him and they were, and they were rerunning some of his, one of his sketches, he'd be like, look at that, quiet, have anybody, quiet!

[623] No. Oh, no, and I love him for it.

[624] He loves to see him, he loves to see himself.

[625] And he's, and he is.

[626] Well, he's unabashedly kind of.

[627] He's, yes, and then he'll watch himself be really funny, and then he'll turn to the rest of us and go, jealous.

[628] And, uh, if you were doing it secretly, it would be so much worse.

[629] So, yeah, so, okay, then that's fine.

[630] And so watching that, just Melissa McCart, everyone in that show and that movie is brilliant.

[631] And nobody was like, I think everybody was recognizable to well -known, but there were no, how do I say this politely?

[632] I don't think anybody was like, is this okay to say, like, Uber instantly recognizable superstar.

[633] Yes, and then after that movie, obviously, everybody was elevated.

[634] but it is, we're so gender conscious and race conscious, and there's a lot that's good about that and really good about that.

[635] But when something like bridesmaids happens, it can feel disappointing when people say, see, isn't this interesting that women, when they gather their forces, you know, you feel like, do we need to do this?

[636] Can't we just accept that Lucille Ball was killing it in 1951?

[637] Without that being a talking point or issue.

[638] And I feel like not to throw them under the bus, but they're terrible people.

[639] Anyway, I feel like the people who like sent me an email or mentioned how funny bribesmaids was back in 2011, I guess when it came out.

[640] They were like finance guys.

[641] I mean, don't ask me why I'm getting all these emails from finance guys.

[642] We'll talk about that later.

[643] But there was a while where you were, first of all, you put it out there that you wanted to me. marry a very wealthy man. And you did.

[644] I made no secret about it.

[645] And you would go on talk shows.

[646] And I remember you doing the talk show circuit and saying, before we begin, if there are any finance guys out there, I'd like to hear from you and send your portfolio along.

[647] I would set it up.

[648] Or I would ask the host to set it.

[649] Either way, it was, it was that.

[650] You had me, every time you came on the show, you had me start by saying, you know, I'd list your credits and what you would done.

[651] And then you'd say her goal is to meet a man who has at least 600.

[652] million dollars liquid and it was always liquid.

[653] It has to be liquid.

[654] That was yeah, yeah, yeah.

[655] I always, that was like with underlined.

[656] I mean, I feel like if it's not liquid I'm not interested, you know?

[657] And so it had to be liquid.

[658] It was a very weird intro.

[659] It was a very weird intro.

[660] I wanted to think people got used to it.

[661] I don't know if they did.

[662] But I did get a lot of emails from finance guys.

[663] No, but it was, it's people.

[664] It's, it's bros. Can I say that?

[665] Can I say that?

[666] Brose through like, I can't believe it.

[667] Yeah.

[668] You guys, this movie's so funny and yet.

[669] But there's no, John Lovitz or what, you know, and it's like, no, it's just.

[670] Jealous.

[671] Do bros love, John Lottis?

[672] I don't think bros are like, whoa!

[673] Lovitz is one of the funniest people I know, but, but I don't think bros are high -fiving each other.

[674] I don't think they're dropping their lacrosse sticks and high -fiving each other and going, whoa!

[675] Loveitz, dude.

[676] It's two shots with Lovitz.

[677] Hello, fellas.

[678] Jealous.

[679] No, we have to talk about something.

[680] There's one thing that if we don't talk about this, it's going to be a problem, but I'm going to talk about a writer.

[681] I know I swore to not talk about people who, but there's a writer on my show who I love dearly, and he's hilarious and brilliant, and I'm going to say all these very nice things about him.

[682] His name's Michael Komen, and the thing about him is that I was so comfortable with Michael, Coleman, and he used to, in my defense, he used to taunt me sometimes and get his face in mind and say things that he knew would infuriate me. So I would often wrestle with this writer named Michael Coleman.

[683] And maybe there was a time where I took my belt off and tried to chase him around and tried to whip him with my belt.

[684] My point is, listen, that's neither here nor there.

[685] And I didn't admit to anything.

[686] I said it's possible that something like that happened.

[687] The thing is, this God, ends up meeting falling in love with and marrying none other than Ellie Kemper.

[688] So Ellie Kemper is married to this guy, Michael Komen.

[689] And because I've always had kind of a, he's like my younger brother.

[690] I tease him, I wrestle him, I adore him.

[691] He's brilliant.

[692] I've always been in awe of his talent.

[693] But I always have to get into it with him.

[694] And so there have been times where I've been talking to you on my late night show and I start to go off on this terrible writer named Michael Coleman who's a complete fool and an ass and the audience doesn't know that I'm doing it as a loving joke to him and you play along and go oh my God yeah that guy's horrible you will throw your own husband under the bus to play.

[695] It's terrible but not terrible because I also I also see him as a younger brother I'm kidding please tell me that you You hit him with your belt.

[696] Please tell me. Every, yeah, every, here's the thing.

[697] He is deserving of a whipping.

[698] I think he is ridiculous in the same ways that you think of.

[699] And honestly, I think, so I love the dynamic.

[700] Of course, I mean, you had this dynamic before I entered, before I knew either of you.

[701] This is, yeah, this is, I will tell you a true story.

[702] We were out in L .A. doing live shows, late night shows, I think, in L .A., and we we were in the parking lot in the valley of a deli about to go in and eat food and of course Michael and I are roughhousing we're adults, we're adult men and I'm a known adult man and I'm roughhousing with him in the parking lot and he grabs my shirt which was a brand new shirt that I liked and he pulled on it and he tore it so I chased him caught him, tore his shirt to shred so that he was completely bare chet naked from the waist up in a parking lot in a parking lot in the valley on Ventura and then he had to get back in his rental car and drive home with and it looked like he was a naked man driving this is the relationship I have with this guy and then he marries the the beautiful famous and talented Ellie Kemper and I feel like a portrait of good class and Yeah, and I feel like, do I have to change the way I behave?

[703] Now that he's married, Ellie, do I have to change how I behave around Michael Comen?

[704] And then I realized I didn't, to this day, and he's so talented and he's gone on to do such great stuff, he's going to win an Oscar.

[705] And when I see him and he's holding his Oscar for writing some screenplay, I'm going to tackle him and then I'm going to throw the Oscar in the sewer.

[706] And then he's going to tackle me and retrieve the Oscar and beat me with a sewage -covered Oscar.

[707] Well, I couldn't agree.

[708] I mean, I don't know why that relationship between the two of you brings me such joy, as you know, or I guess have surmised.

[709] He adores you and loves you.

[710] And I think that when...

[711] He has to or I'll kill him.

[712] Well, he has to.

[713] It's true.

[714] It's not entirely by choice.

[715] So that's what that setup is.

[716] Oh, by the way, I said, what message do you have for Conan?

[717] And he said to give him my, this is Michael speaking, he's give him my love and begrudging respect.

[718] Nice, there we go.

[719] Very nice, there it goes.

[720] But it is, I don't know, because did that start from day one?

[721] Yeah, it, he, well, no, probably not from day one, but your husband, he's a very good -looking guy, but he wears glasses and he had, he used to, he knew how to get under my skin in kind of a comedic way.

[722] But he would get right in my face and sometimes pitch an intentionally bad idea with a big grin as if, like, taunting a mad dog.

[723] Oh, what a jerk.

[724] And then I would lose it and go after him.

[725] And then, of course, I am myself a mentally unbalanced person who grew up in a large family with a lot of issues.

[726] And so I'm guilty of many, many crimes.

[727] Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[728] And so I, you know, there are many times when he didn't deserve anything.

[729] And yet I would chase him down the hallway and tackle him and remove my belt and start to pretend to whip him with it.

[730] Yeah, yeah.

[731] Pretend.

[732] Pretend.

[733] And they were, I mean, my, yeah.

[734] No one was really hurt.

[735] Really?

[736] I mean, nothing that didn't heal up after.

[737] Right, right, right.

[738] No, I, I, I, Michael, I mean, it is an unusual.

[739] I have, I don't know that I've seen that play out as much.

[740] Oh, it's illegal.

[741] That's why you haven't seen it.

[742] It's illegal.

[743] It's illegal.

[744] And, uh, there's a reason that no one else is doing it.

[745] Well, and I wish you, you guys lived in the same city so we could see you more and, and you could, you know, get into more.

[746] physical matches because I will fly at my own expense I will fly to wherever you are I will charter a flight I will do whatever it takes I will walk across the United States if I have to but I will I will wrestle your husband to the ground in front of you and I will pour a cold oatmeal on his head and it'll be out of love now I hope I can mention I mean I get well it involves Michael who we've just been talking about but one of my favorite sketches of all time is when you and tell me if this is not something thing, whatever.

[747] But when you went to his apartment, they just let you right up, when Michael, again, like allegedly called it, or he did call him sick, allegedly he did.

[748] Yeah, this is, you can look this up online, Michael Coleman, and you can see the famous Michael Coleman, the now infamous Michael Coleman, he called in one day saying that he wasn't well and he couldn't come to work.

[749] And we were a little suspicious.

[750] Like, is he really not sick?

[751] I know.

[752] So we grabbed a camera crew and we drove down into the village.

[753] and you see me, this is, you know, whatever, I don't know, 2004, 2004, who knows, there was a long time ago.

[754] Long time ago.

[755] But I go up the stairs, I talk to his super, I get in there, I bang.

[756] They let you right in.

[757] And I go, yeah, exactly.

[758] The super should not have let me in.

[759] But they let me right in.

[760] I take the elevator up.

[761] I go into his apartment and I am really quizzing him on if he's, is he really that sick?

[762] And it's kind of compelling to watch because I think we nailed him.

[763] I don't think he was sick enough.

[764] Are you kidding me?

[765] I can tell from, no, he was not sick.

[766] And he doesn't even, he sounds a little stuffed up.

[767] And this is way before COVID.

[768] Like this wasn't before, oh, I want to keep my community safe.

[769] This was him being a little tired, not having any responsibilities except his job, which he completely just, you know, bailed on.

[770] Yeah, thank you.

[771] And then furthermore, you brought him to the show.

[772] If he was well enough to get in a car and go to the show, he was not, He wasn't even in bed when you got there.

[773] No, no, we totally nailed him.

[774] Of course, none of these things, as I said, in the COVID era, none of this dates very well.

[775] Because the idea that someone said, I don't feel well, I'm not coming to work, and I drove and made them come to a studio taping.

[776] Again, I believe that's illegal.

[777] Oh, those for the days.

[778] I know now it is.

[779] I know.

[780] It's shocking that I'm not in prison.

[781] Now, you are, you've done this.

[782] Do I call it a reboot of?

[783] Yeah, you're not supposed to say that.

[784] No, you can.

[785] I don't know what I'm.

[786] I'm instructed.

[787] Oh, did they instruct you?

[788] Because we can take that out.

[789] I can go like this.

[790] Tell us, home sweet home alone.

[791] Tell us about this.

[792] Tell me about home sweet home alone.

[793] Home sweet home alone is a reimagining of the home alone movies of the 90s, the ones with McCauley Culkin.

[794] And there's in it, Rob Delaney and I get to play this pair of parents who are essentially the burglars.

[795] And so we get to break into this kids.

[796] house because we think he has something, he's stolen, something very valuable from our house.

[797] And we need this valuable thing because we need to sell it to pay off the mortgage on our house.

[798] So we're actually good people trying to, you know, save our family.

[799] Right, you're not the sort of cartoon villains, right.

[800] No, no. So we get very beaten up by this kid, played by Archie Yates, who was in Jojo Rabbit.

[801] I don't know if you saw that.

[802] He's great.

[803] I love Jojo Rabbit.

[804] Yeah, yeah.

[805] And he's great in this movie, too.

[806] And he's, I mean, he's a kid, but he's great.

[807] Well, come on.

[808] Can you imagine a kid could be good at something?

[809] It's here to, this is an exception.

[810] What if you had cast, what if they had cast McCauley Culkin?

[811] He's currently, he's currently 54 years old and has, on his third hip.

[812] He's limping around.

[813] He couldn't find anyone else.

[814] He was the only one of himself.

[815] Lazy casting.

[816] Lazy casting.

[817] And they put him in one of those like really bad fake kid outfits, like a Lord Fauntleroy, short pants, giant lollipop.

[818] He's clearly, he's shaving.

[819] He's shaving during parts of it.

[820] How adorable is he, by the way, though?

[821] Have you seen the John Hughes Home Alone many times or no?

[822] Yes, I have.

[823] I've seen it many.

[824] It's such a good movie.

[825] Oh, yeah.

[826] And he's so good in it.

[827] McCauley Culkin, why have I made this podcast all about my love for McCauley Culkin?

[828] Very suddenly took a 180 and I just, I can't get enough of McCulligan.

[829] I love you're trying to get people to turn out for a movie that everyone has seen 100 times.

[830] Yeah, I know.

[831] You know, Titanic.

[832] I mean, have you seen it?

[833] You've got to give it a chance.

[834] It's fantastic.

[835] But this is, so yeah, this is the, I guess, the newest installment in the Home Alone franchise.

[836] And it's called Home Sweet Home Alone.

[837] The only thing that I think is unusual about this movie is that Archie is, of course, British.

[838] And his mom is British.

[839] It's never really brought up.

[840] Their dad, Archie's dad is played by Andy Daly.

[841] Yes.

[842] I know and revere Andy Daly.

[843] Of course you do.

[844] He's like...

[845] One of the funniest people ever.

[846] Yep, one of the funniest people ever.

[847] And I got to do one day with him because of how everything shook out.

[848] And it was like such an honor and joy.

[849] So why is it weird that he's British?

[850] So what?

[851] If Andy has an American accent.

[852] Oh.

[853] No, no, I'm saying it is unusual.

[854] He has an American accent.

[855] I'm not doing a good job promoting this because I'm pointing out an immediate flaw.

[856] No, it's just something I find interesting.

[857] Sure.

[858] Tell us about other flaws with this project you're promoting.

[859] You know, there's a lot of plot.

[860] No, I'm kidding.

[861] There's a great plot.

[862] That'd be great.

[863] Really, it doesn't hold together.

[864] It really doesn't hold together.

[865] No, falls apart by the 40 -minute mark.

[866] No, it's, oh, and one great thing.

[867] Now I'm going to bring up the original again.

[868] It's the John Williams.

[869] They use the John Williams score, which I didn't know they were going to until I actually saw it.

[870] And it's really beautiful.

[871] I hope that, you know, I just hope people like it.

[872] You shouldn't compare the two because it's its own thing.

[873] No, they shouldn't compare it to the original home alone, but they should compare it to Paddington, too.

[874] Yeah, well.

[875] And then you decide.

[876] which is the superior film.

[877] I think that's only fair.

[878] Paddington, too, is flawless, I know.

[879] We can't, it doesn't hold a candle to Paddington, too, and you can quote me on that.

[880] You want that to be the pull quote?

[881] No, I'm sure, I'm going to check it out.

[882] I'm going to check it out.

[883] No, check it out, see what you think, and then you'll text me. I don't know what you'll do.

[884] Ellie, I've known you, Ellie, I've known you for many years, and I've known you to always be a lovely person.

[885] I know it's hard for you to talk to me since I really created you, in my opinion.

[886] Yes, you did.

[887] I'm not arguing that.

[888] I formed you out of clay.

[889] No, I know.

[890] You know, if I hadn't given you that internship, I think you'd be scraping varnicles off of old garbage scows right now for a living.

[891] But it was all me. It all turned on me. It was all you.

[892] And I think Tina Faye maybe did a little bit.

[893] No, I think I did for more.

[894] And so I wish you nothing, nothing but goodness.

[895] And you're all, all joking aside, I revere you.

[896] I have such a special place in my, well, now it's coming out.

[897] I know.

[898] I always engineer it so that there's no way to compliment me. I know.

[899] No, but anyway, I just adore you.

[900] And it's been such a pleasure talking with you.

[901] Well, let's hang some time.

[902] I really do want to hang with you sometime.

[903] And I do consider you a friend.

[904] And I want you to bring your husband.

[905] And I will beat the living daylights out of him in front of you.

[906] I'm so happy we got to talk about him.

[907] I wasn't going to bring it up, but I'm really glad that we...

[908] Ellie, I hope I see you soon, and thank you so much for doing this.

[909] I really appreciate it.

[910] Thank you.

[911] I appreciate it.

[912] I just had a blast, so thank you.

[913] And thank you, Sona.

[914] Thanks, guys.

[915] Hey, guys, let's do some voicemails.

[916] Check in with the people.

[917] What do you say?

[918] It's always good.

[919] I'm like a king that dresses up as common folk and goes out among the...

[920] villagers to hear what they're saying about the great leader.

[921] Yes, let's hear.

[922] Let's hear from the folk.

[923] Okay, Sammy, take it away.

[924] Hey, Conan.

[925] This is Santosh Matthew, and I was just wondering, if you could give birth to any animal, not including humans, what would it be?

[926] My first answer would be something very small.

[927] Yeah, smart.

[928] Yeah.

[929] I mean, Sony, you just had twins.

[930] I want it to be something quite small.

[931] not something it's going to kill me during childbirth.

[932] And it's going to, sorry to get technical, but it comes off out of the urethra and not like the butthole, right?

[933] I don't want to get specific.

[934] Okay.

[935] And I think it's important that we do.

[936] I...

[937] Do you poop it out or do you pee it out?

[938] I'm going to prefer...

[939] I'm going to prefer...

[940] Well, this is putting me in an awkward position, but I'm going to say it's a buttock's birth.

[941] So...

[942] Good.

[943] We're clear.

[944] Okay, we're clear.

[945] And the butt, as it's designed to for men, by Mother Nature, it separates and plenty of space is made during male birth.

[946] Anywho, people do say that about you that you have birthing buttocks.

[947] I get that a lot.

[948] People come up and slap me on the ass and say, you've got nice wide birthing buttocks.

[949] And I say, thank you.

[950] I'm going to say it needs to be small.

[951] So at first I was thinking like what's the smallest animal, but now that I'm remembering that when the male gives birth, the buttocks separate and there's plenty of room, I love a baby grizzly.

[952] They're so adorable.

[953] What?

[954] They're gorgeous.

[955] Have you seen little baby grizzly bears?

[956] Yes.

[957] They're adorable.

[958] They're wonderful, and I love bears.

[959] I just love bears.

[960] So I'm going to say a very small baby grizzly, I wish, would come out.

[961] A premature baby grizzly.

[962] Well, don't get creepy.

[963] It's fine.

[964] I'm getting creepy?

[965] It's lungs are fully developed.

[966] It's fine, it's just a little on the small side.

[967] It's a little underweight, but it's not a painful birth.

[968] It's going to be painful.

[969] No matter how much you expand, it's going to be painful.

[970] No, I'm going to have an epidural.

[971] I'm going to have all the medication.

[972] It still makes it hurt a little bit, I'm sure.

[973] When my wife was giving birth to our daughter, she was in incredible pain, incredible pain, and she was freaking out, I mean, she was just in a lot of pain, and then someone finally said, let's give her an epidural.

[974] And my wife said, yes, please do that.

[975] and so they ushered me out of the room.

[976] They brought whatever the equipment was or whatever into the room.

[977] I came in five minutes later and my wife was flipping through a Vogue magazine.

[978] And she was like, oh, hello.

[979] And I swear to God, she had makeup on that just appeared and her hair was done.

[980] And she was like, oh, hi, how are you?

[981] Would you like an Appletini?

[982] You know, it was just, it was incredible, the transformation.

[983] So I'm going to get whatever that was.

[984] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[985] I'm going to get that and I'm going to be in the hospital bed.

[986] My buttocks will separate.

[987] I won't feel it.

[988] And a baby grizzly will walk.

[989] out and go, Pa, pa, pa, pa. Already talking.

[990] Yeah, it's talking already.

[991] They learned to speak very quickly.

[992] I guess we're burying the lead by not saying congratulations to you.

[993] Yeah, thank you.

[994] Thank you very much.

[995] Congrats on your baby bear.

[996] Your butt back.

[997] Well, my buttocks baby bear.

[998] Your baby cub.

[999] My baby cub.

[1000] And the people will say, was it a buttock's birth?

[1001] And I go, yeah, buttock's birth of the baby grizzly.

[1002] They're gorgeous.

[1003] Go check out baby grizzlies.

[1004] They're just lovely.

[1005] Now, the problem is that within a year, they can tear your throat out.

[1006] Yes.

[1007] Show it to you and then wipe their ass with it.

[1008] But I will, I'll take that chance.

[1009] I'll take that chance.

[1010] Good.

[1011] Just to have that experience.

[1012] I don't know.

[1013] Just because it's cute, you wanna risk getting your throat cut out?

[1014] I don't know if I would do that.

[1015] Well, no one's asking you.

[1016] This is, you know what I mean?

[1017] Okay, I'm on the podcast.

[1018] This is a male buttock's birth.

[1019] You women couldn't possibly know what we men go through.

[1020] Oh.

[1021] You have no idea.

[1022] to what we go through.

[1023] Wow.

[1024] You with your vaginal canals, it's so easy.

[1025] Try having a, try birthing a grizzly through your buttocks and then come back and tell me that the system's unfair.

[1026] You're right, sorry.

[1027] What was I thinking?

[1028] Men have been getting this shaft for so long.

[1029] You poor things.

[1030] Yeah, and then we have to get right back to work.

[1031] Anywho, I think we have our answer here.

[1032] I wanna thank this gentleman for thinking of, I think that's the oddest question we've had yet.

[1033] It's pretty, yeah, pretty odd.

[1034] Pretty freaking weird.

[1035] it's created some violent imagery but also I think wonderful possibilities for a future where men bring little baby cubs into the world and then have an ice pack on their butts for at least six months afterwards a donut yeah they sit on a donut awful what a terrible podcast I blame everyone involved Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley.

[1036] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1037] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Cooke, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1038] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1039] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1040] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1041] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1042] Engineering by Will Bechtin, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1043] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1044] Got a question for Conan?

[1045] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1046] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1047] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1048] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.