Widows and Single Parents: Dealing With Guilt & Anger/Defiance

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[24] So we received this really touching email from a woman named Becca who administers a support group for women who are widows and have kids.

[25] And obviously, that's really tough.

[26] Lots of different layers there.

[27] And there are a couple specific issues I wanted to address on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[28] But I also want to broaden it as well to single moms.

[29] Now look, some of this is going to apply to single dads as well, but this is primarily geared toward moms so I can focus directly on that.

[30] And so what I do want you to know, because many of you are going to be new to the Calm Parenting Podcast is, by the way, my name's Kirk Martin.

[31] I'm founder of the Calm Parenting Podcast and CelebrateCalm .com.

[32] What I want you to know is feel free to reach out to us.

[33] We're responsive to needs, and even if you're not a widow or a single mom, reach out to us.

[34] It's what we exist for.

[35] So you reach out to Casey, that's our son, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[36] Let them know your situation.

[37] In this case, if you're a widow, if you're a single mom, if you're a single dad, and we'll help answer your questions directly and specifically.

[38] will help you get any of our resources you need within your budget.

[39] I don't want that to be a barrier.

[40] My mom, who just passed this time last year, raised four boys through their teenage years all by herself.

[41] Without my dad's support, I remember we were on, we had to get reduced lunches.

[42] We just, it was a difficult time, but my mom was a hero in many ways.

[43] And in one way that I now understand now that I'm older and I'm a parent myself is, raising four boys who were teenagers who had been through abusive situations with my dad and my mom did that and so I applaud all the moms and dads out there who just give yourselves to to help your kids right and so there are a lot of issues that need to be addressed and I'll do some of those in upcoming podcasts as well but here are the two that I wanted to cover today one is and some of this comes from feedback from Becca and it's just from our work with people as well is moms who feel guilty you sometimes will give in to your kids maybe buying too many things which I understand and the second issue is how to handle that anger the defiance the meltdowns and and even kids getting physical a little bit so let's deal with the first one now it's normal to feel guilt to want to be too soft in a way to give in because you and your kids have been through trauma right You're left alone being the strong one.

[44] So you're having to go through the grieving process and grieve yourself while also trying to be strong for your kids.

[45] And it's natural because you just want the pain to go away.

[46] You'd give anything for your kids to be happy again or at least just not devastated.

[47] So out of guilt, and this isn't just widows, this happens a lot with single moms, right?

[48] You go through a divorce.

[49] Same thing.

[50] You've been through some trauma.

[51] you're dealing with all of these different issues that nobody has any idea what you're going through.

[52] And so sometimes you don't have the emotional energy so you don't say no. You give in, right?

[53] You don't set the limits like you should.

[54] You buy them things that you know that you probably shouldn't.

[55] So I don't want you to feel guilt for that, right?

[56] It's very understandable.

[57] It's reasonable.

[58] And look, sometimes it's even smart, right?

[59] because you only have so much emotional energy to expend.

[60] And sometimes you have to, in our programs, we'll call it read the moment, right?

[61] And you have to prioritize.

[62] And you have to simplify and focus on what's really important.

[63] So I want to give you some perspective that I hope will help you without making you feel guilty at all.

[64] Because that's not our goal ever.

[65] We don't do guilt and blame.

[66] We just want to own things and we want to make things better for our kids and our families.

[67] So here's some perspective.

[68] See, right, you don't alleviate pain by giving kids stuff.

[69] You don't alleviate the pain by letting them get away with attitudes and behaviors that ultimately hurt them, right?

[70] Because now this causes a snowball effect because now they don't only, you know, they don't have a dad, but now they're starting to lose some internal discipline in that North Star, right?

[71] so it's kind of doubling down on the loss of the father.

[72] It's kind of like having a child who's isolated, and then you feel bad for the child, so you give him extra use of his screens.

[73] Well, he already doesn't have a lot of friends and he's unhappy, so I'll just give him some screens, because at least when he's on his screens, he's happy, and at least he's occupied.

[74] But see, that doesn't make that isolation any better.

[75] It makes it worse, and it's not good for him.

[76] or right like when parents like we all pretty much do this or those younger moms parents don't but it's like oh i love my child i think it's a treat so let me just give my child lots of sugary things that'll be a treat right well it's not really a treat for the child because it ends up hurting him and so discipline is something you do for your child not to them right so let that sink in a little bit because in traditional ways of thinking, it's like, discipline is something you do to your child, right?

[77] It's me against the child.

[78] Well, that's not what discipline.

[79] Disciplines me coming alongside my child and saying, look, you're doing some things that are hurting you, that aren't good for you.

[80] So I'm going to come alongside and show you a different way.

[81] I'm going to guide you.

[82] And I'm going to put boundaries on here because, look, you're not smart enough and you don't have enough life wisdom enough yet to know where those boundaries should be.

[83] And so that's what I'm doing for you, not to you, right?

[84] The limits that I set, the values that I prioritize, right?

[85] And so that's something you have to really work through is what do we prioritize in our newly constructed family life, right?

[86] And it's going to look different than it may be for some other families because you don't have as many options perhaps as maybe other families do.

[87] So what's really important?

[88] And I would focus on relationships.

[89] Relationships are always the most important thing.

[90] Experiences.

[91] Right?

[92] Your child using his or her gifts, talents, and passions to serve others versus giving them things.

[93] Right?

[94] Because that's a real tangible gift that will impact their lives for years.

[95] So, and I want to throw something out there.

[96] and this may be counterintuitive, but giving to or serving others, even if it's an elderly couple down the street, maybe it's volunteering at a homeless shelter.

[97] Some of your kids are really good with animals.

[98] So at an animal shelter, it's really therapeutic because it tightens bonds between your child and other humans or maybe with an animal, which is very, very grounding for kids.

[99] It gives you and your kids a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning.

[100] It expands those kind of Outward rather than feeling isolated, right?

[101] And so it's a little bit counterintuitive, but sometimes giving outward when you are hurting is really effective.

[102] So it may be too much for you right now, where you are in your journey of healing and recovering, but I'd consider it, right?

[103] Just like I do for kids who struggle with anxiety and depression, giving out can be extremely effective.

[104] So I'd encourage you.

[105] Don't give your kids stuff.

[106] Give them experiences.

[107] Give them vulnerability, a safe place to be.

[108] When you can, go for lots of walks, plan some short hikes.

[109] Right, I love treasure hunts.

[110] I love going out little kids hiding stuff in the woods or somewhere in a neighborhood because kids love treasure hunts, right?

[111] And the treasure isn't a lot of money.

[112] It's little things that they find, right?

[113] But you can plan some short hikes, right?

[114] And while you're on your short hike or longer hike, give them treats then.

[115] because then they'll burn off the sugar, right?

[116] Do adventures together outside, because that's a very healing thing to do.

[117] By the way, I'd encourage you with this, let your kids know, it's okay to laugh.

[118] It's okay to feel joy, even though they're grieving.

[119] Let them know that they shouldn't feel guilty for being happy and enjoying things, even though they lost their dad, right?

[120] That their dad would be smiling down at them, seeing them filled with joy.

[121] And that's what he would want them and want, them more than anything else, right?

[122] This is a little side note.

[123] I know because this isn't nearly the same, but this past year I lost my mom.

[124] And there was this feeling like I had to be sad for some period of time.

[125] Well, some of that's healthy, but then it can be unhealthy, right?

[126] So when I picture my mom now, this is what I see.

[127] I see her happy.

[128] I see her smiling.

[129] I see her dancing because this is a kid.

[130] She always danced.

[131] I see her joyful.

[132] And when I kind of meditate on that and think about my mom, I feel her sharing my joy in things.

[133] And that can be really healing, but it can be confusing for kids.

[134] And I'm sure you already know that because you've been through support groups, but I just wanted to throw that out as a reminder.

[135] Number two, let's talk about defiance.

[136] Let's talk about the anger, right?

[137] Now, in our podcast, and I encourage to go through the Calm Parenting Podcasts, there's a couple hundred of them, and we go through a lot on meltdowns and defiance.

[138] So listen to those.

[139] But this is specific for your situation.

[140] I would encourage you first to normalize the anger.

[141] Normalize it.

[142] Right.

[143] They should be angry right now.

[144] That is a normal thing for them to feel.

[145] Normalize the anger at God.

[146] Because a lot of the kids will be like, why did God take my father?

[147] Why did God allow you two to get divorced?

[148] Right?

[149] Normalize if they're angry at their dad.

[150] They may be angry.

[151] Why did he have to go and die?

[152] why did he leave us alone?

[153] That's a normal feeling.

[154] Normalize it.

[155] They may be mad at life.

[156] They may be mad at you, right?

[157] Because why did you let dad die?

[158] Well, who else are they going to direct their anger at?

[159] Right?

[160] Because dad's gone and God's invisible, right?

[161] So they may take it out on you.

[162] I would normalize that because that's healthy to have for a period of time.

[163] And one of our things, favorite phrases for normalizing things is, of course, of course you're angry.

[164] That makes sense to me, right?

[165] Validate that.

[166] You can even share your own feelings of anger and other feelings, you know, up to a certain limit, right?

[167] That's not over the line, but it helps your kids not feel guilty and for them to know, so you're angry at God too?

[168] So you're a little bit angry at dad?

[169] Yeah, some days I just miss him and it hurts so much and sometimes I have so much pain.

[170] But sometimes he's just angry.

[171] Sometimes I wonder why he did that.

[172] But I know he didn't do it on purpose.

[173] But it's normal to feel that and think that.

[174] So if you're thinking about that, dad would understand that.

[175] I understand that, right?

[176] So validate those things.

[177] So they don't feel guilty because that helps them work through it.

[178] Now here's what I wanted to address, though.

[179] You do have to draw the line at taking it out on you physically are spitting out venomous words at you.

[180] So here's an example of a script or discussion that you can have at them, not have at them, have with them, right, with some measure of intensity, right?

[181] And you can say, look, you may be angry at me. You can be angry at God.

[182] You can be angry at your dad.

[183] You can be angry at life.

[184] You should be feeling pain and grief and desperation.

[185] You should feel angry.

[186] All of those things are normal and healthy to feel.

[187] But what you may not ever do is demean me, treat me with disdain, or hit me. That is not the kind of son or daughter that I'm raising, and that is not who your father would be proud of.

[188] I'll go on in a second, but let's draw that out.

[189] So we do this for almost everything.

[190] Of course, that assignment is difficult, right?

[191] But I believe you're capable of doing it and doing a good job.

[192] right we don't we don't allow them to say of course you don't want to go to that new taekwondo class because you're anxious that makes sense to me so I normalize the anxiety but that doesn't mean you're going to stay home and never do anything new right so you can normalize it but you still draw a boundary so you can be angry and you should be but that doesn't mean that it makes it okay for you to demean me treat me with disdain or hit me right does that make sense so you can go on and say so you should be hurt feel the pain take the pain but we do not ever treat other people that way because of how hurt or angry we are that's not pain that's being selfish and self -indulgent you are a martin that's my last name so you can use your name you are a henderson and this is the way you are to act when you want to cry let's cry i'll get box of Kleenex will line bed on Saturday, we'll talk and we'll relive memories and we'll punch pillows.

[193] But then we're getting up and we're going for a long walk because I'm going to show you how to be sad and how to grieve, but also how to heal, how to deal with pain in life in constructive ways.

[194] So we're not going to cover up the pain with iPhones, with donuts and stuff.

[195] We're going to courageously and bravely handle this in a way that would make your dad proud in a way that you will be able to hold your head high and be proud of yourself look that was hard for me and i'm not even in this situation so this would be hard and if you break down while you're saying those things good i want your kids to see that because that's courage courage isn't putting on a tough exterior courage is feeling all that stuff, but you continue to move on.

[196] Give yourself some space to have days where you don't get anything done.

[197] Days where you do just bond with your kids.

[198] But try not to replace experiences and bonding time with just giving in or giving them stuff.

[199] Look, I know that doesn't cover every situation you're going through, but hopefully it's a start.

[200] If we can help you with anything, reach out.

[201] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com tell them your situation we'll make sure we can help answer questions we can guide you and get your right resources within your budget um look up the other calm parenting podcast look at celebrate calm .com but if we can help you just let you know okay love you all talk to you soon bye bye