Armchair Anonymous: Caught Masturbating

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by Mrs. Padman.

[6] Does that make you think of your mom?

[7] It didn't, but now it does.

[8] I hope this topic doesn't make you think of your mom.

[9] Oh, that could have happened.

[10] That would be honest.

[11] Oh, that she caught me. No, it didn't.

[12] It's still ew.

[13] Yeah, it's still ooh.

[14] But were you ever caught or at least like you had to throw your teddy bear to the side or anything?

[15] Someone was coming in your room.

[16] You were humping something.

[17] They never just came in my room.

[18] Yeah, you were the boss.

[19] A little girl in the limousine.

[20] Town car.

[21] Sorry, I know you're not ostentatious.

[22] No. Okay, this prompt was, tell us about a time you were caught masturbating in an inappropriate place.

[23] This one, uh, you can live.

[24] listen to this one.

[25] It's sweet.

[26] It's sweeter than you think.

[27] Yeah.

[28] Right.

[29] But not as sweet as the pooping on the dates.

[30] That's the sweetest episode we have ever done and we will ever do.

[31] But this one is G rated.

[32] Not that I'm saying you should listen to it with your children in the car.

[33] Right.

[34] But still G as far as what this prompt could have been.

[35] Yeah.

[36] We don't go too far.

[37] Don't worry.

[38] I'm going to be David Ferrier now.

[39] So undo your slacks and get out your loob.

[40] This is the caught while masturbating episode.

[41] Oh, times.

[42] Come and go.

[43] Take them slow.

[44] You got to know, I'm going to keep him shining.

[45] Hi.

[46] I love your environment.

[47] Thank you.

[48] Don't you, Monica?

[49] Yeah, it's beautiful.

[50] I see a fiddly fig. Yeah, it's dying.

[51] I chose the best profile for it.

[52] All the leaves on this side are brown.

[53] They're impossible to keep alive.

[54] You have one that you're not able to?

[55] I can't have one because I. I will.

[56] I can't keep it alive.

[57] Oh, wow.

[58] Are we calling you by your real name?

[59] Could you call me by Mary, please?

[60] Oh, I would love to call you by Mary.

[61] So, Mary, this promises to be maybe my favorite prompt of the year, obviously.

[62] We're to believe you were caught during a self -exploration session.

[63] Yes, and this is one of my deepest, darkest secrets that only my fiancé knows.

[64] And so that's why we're using the pseudonym, because he's not thrilled, that the secrets being shared.

[65] I was like, I got it.

[66] We'll use it.

[67] fake name it'll be fine it's your story your life is your story that's right let's dive into this for one second before the great story okay you would be able to relate to this greatly which is like you want certain things with your partner that are not known to the world and so he probably feels special that he's the only person that knows is that she's entrusted him to keep this safe and then he feels like he's losing something special that's a very nice way of putting it I don't agree that he's losing anything, but I understand that that's maybe what's going on.

[68] It'd be different about selling at a dinner party, but who's to say who's on the other line of this podcast, right?

[69] You never know.

[70] That's true.

[71] Okay, now, so that was my most generous assessment of him not wanting you to.

[72] Now, a negative assessment I could make is that he doesn't want you to be sexual anywhere, but in front of him and with him.

[73] Like, he's possessive of that.

[74] Yeah.

[75] I think that there's a traditional element to that.

[76] Then I just said, well, it's my life.

[77] See you in 30 minutes.

[78] All right, let's hit it.

[79] Okay, yeah, knock us over.

[80] Okay, so there's a lot of background to this story to help tee it up.

[81] So first piece of background, which kind of gives away the ending, my dad is a wonderful person.

[82] He's super sensitive, super kind, loves everything about being a father.

[83] but very much stuck in the 1950s, like, skirt should be below your knee.

[84] Twice, he was forced due to circumstances to say the word vagina, and he called it a Virginia.

[85] Oh, my God.

[86] Couldn't do it.

[87] Yeah.

[88] It was mortifying for everyone in fall.

[89] And the house that I grew up in had a big basement, and half of the basement was on, like, one level, and then there was the one step down to the rest of the levels.

[90] Very cool.

[91] It was also all carpeted.

[92] I will also say, I'm going to guess I'm your youngest story because this happened when I was five.

[93] Oh, okay.

[94] Didn't see that coming.

[95] Did you hear Molly Shannon?

[96] Did you hear her episode?

[97] Yes, I did.

[98] I loved her.

[99] I actually texted a girlfriend and I was like, I love so much that she's talking about masturbation.

[100] Like, this is so badass.

[101] She was doing full role play.

[102] It was intricate masturbation at five.

[103] Yes.

[104] Okay.

[105] Definitely remember that one.

[106] So some of the story like is very vivid to me still and parts of it because I was so little.

[107] I don't remember.

[108] I don't remember how I discovered this.

[109] But I learned at some point I could basically like mount myself right next to my mom's pubis basically.

[110] And if I did like a Superman and put my arm straight out and my leg straight back and then focused and tightened every muscle in my body like my jaw and everything in about 45 seconds, I would have.

[111] have an orgasm.

[112] Wow.

[113] Okay.

[114] On the floor?

[115] On the step of the basement.

[116] And I didn't know obviously what an orgasm was.

[117] I just had context clues.

[118] And I was like, okay, I'm out of breath and a little hot.

[119] And my mom does these workout videos all the time.

[120] And she's out of breath and sweaty.

[121] So this is exercise.

[122] And you were by many definitions of exercise, elevated heart rate it burns calories and then you know when you're little that whole area is almost like one just large area so it's like this finale feeling i'm having is in my butt oh sure sure so these are my but exercises is all i called them to myself like i didn't share this discovery but you likely would have right because you have no shame about it because you're not doing anything wrong exercises to be applauded right but i just never like came up but i would just every couple days check and then be like, oh, I should go do my butt exercises and I'd like go to the basement.

[123] Tighten up your rear, yeah.

[124] Yeah, sometimes I would do three, like it just depended on the day.

[125] And you're climaxing several times.

[126] Sometimes it sounds like.

[127] Go right back into it.

[128] Like, good set.

[129] Let's do it one more.

[130] Right, right.

[131] No pain, no gain.

[132] Exactly.

[133] So at the same time in my life and Monica, we're similar in age, I discover Aladdin, the movie.

[134] Oh, great.

[135] Become obsessed with it.

[136] end up getting it for Hanukkah and I'm so stoked I watch it all the time and separately from my butt exercises I don't know the last time you guys saw Aladdin but there's a scene where Jasmine has been captured by Jafar to try and be released she pretends that she's in love with him in hopes that he'll like release her as his prisoner so like the turquoise jumpsuit has been traded in for a red jumpsuit.

[137] And she's shackled, and she gets these bedroom eyes, and she starts to, like, saunter over.

[138] I do not remember this.

[139] I haven't seen it in a really long time, probably 20 years, but I remember this scene very vividly.

[140] And she's like, Jafar, your hair is so curly.

[141] And she's, like, running her fingers through her hair.

[142] Wow.

[143] And I got PQs.

[144] Oh, wow.

[145] Oh, this is, like, hot.

[146] even though I'm five.

[147] Like, I didn't have that vocab, but I'm like, I like that.

[148] And I think biologically, I guess I just made the jump.

[149] And I learned if I can time it, so I start my butt exercises right before the scene starts.

[150] Yes.

[151] Everything will come together.

[152] Yes, the grand finale.

[153] By the way, it takes lots of coordination.

[154] It does.

[155] You have to run upstairs to hit the VHS.

[156] Well, sometimes you'd have to lift off because you're like, it's coming too soon.

[157] So I pulled and then be like, all right, I'm ready to go.

[158] Wow, this is smart for a five -year -old.

[159] Well, the body knows.

[160] Yeah, it's true.

[161] Yeah, exactly.

[162] We were not a progressive family where we're talking about all this stuff.

[163] I thought my vagina was my butt.

[164] Logical assumption.

[165] Yeah, so that brings us to the story, the events.

[166] We're doing a family movie night and we're all in the basin on the couch and we're all cuddling and there's popcorn.

[167] What movie do we pick, Aladdin?

[168] And I don't think anything of it, but sure enough, seen before, know my cue, and I get up from the couch, and I just walk over to that ledge, and I get into position, arms up.

[169] At first, my parents were like, what are you doing?

[170] What are you doing?

[171] Are you being silly?

[172] And then it, like, very quickly turns into, please tell me you're not doing what we think you're doing.

[173] And they start yelling at me and clapping.

[174] But I'm locked in to.

[175] Jasmine.

[176] I'm on a road and like I'll talk to you after.

[177] So I think my dad left.

[178] He didn't even wait to see what happened.

[179] I think he went for a walk.

[180] He like left the building.

[181] I don't really remember the immediate after effects.

[182] Obviously movie nights canceled.

[183] Oh no. But later in the evening, my mom took me up to my room and she was like, hey, why don't you tell me what you were doing down there in the movie?

[184] And I was like, oh, those are my butt exercises.

[185] Okay, well, that's really great.

[186] The grown -up word for that is masturbation.

[187] And it's super healthy.

[188] And I'm glad you've learned how to do that.

[189] But that's not something to do in front of other people.

[190] And it's not something to do in the basement.

[191] Especially your father.

[192] Let's leave him out of, yeah.

[193] Oh, well, that's good.

[194] I'm glad she told you it was healthy.

[195] Yeah, she was like, it's very normal.

[196] She's like, but you have to do it in your room and you have to do it with the door closed.

[197] But you don't have stairs in your room.

[198] I know.

[199] And you don't have a TV.

[200] Exactly.

[201] And I was like, but mama, the ledge is in the basement.

[202] Yeah.

[203] I don't have the equipment.

[204] Yeah.

[205] And she goes, why don't you try the corner of your bed?

[206] And if you're still having problems, you can.

[207] come to me and we'll figure it out.

[208] Yes, Mom.

[209] Yes, good job.

[210] And that's basically how things worked until I was like 15 and figured out other ways to accomplish the task.

[211] Wow.

[212] Now, sincere question, do you think if you watch that scene right now, you might get worked up?

[213] Well, just a bolt.

[214] I never even thought about that.

[215] I'll do that after this.

[216] Yeah.

[217] Just because so much muscle memory.

[218] And now that you're engaged, what an event.

[219] That could be that he's time it.

[220] He teases me about that.

[221] He's like, do you want me to like dress up as Jafar?

[222] And I'm like, shut up.

[223] I don't want anybody here you say that.

[224] But it might be.

[225] That's appropriation, you racist.

[226] Wow.

[227] That was a very triggering movie for Monica.

[228] So she was denied that.

[229] That wasn't one of your triggering?

[230] I didn't realize it was connected to me. Oh, okay, okay.

[231] Now I'm like, ugh.

[232] Okay.

[233] But I love this.

[234] I really hope that this gets incorporated into your honeymoon, I guess.

[235] Yeah, here's so big.

[236] He'll be very weird.

[237] It might be helpful for him, too, because as guys, you have to have some game plan.

[238] To your point, when you got to elevate off those stairs, because you've arrived too early at the party, I can tell you I'd be distracted by that cartoon.

[239] It would not be an aid.

[240] It would diminish.

[241] Well, maybe you might like the Jasmine part.

[242] It is like a very princess lay of stitch.

[243] if I can remember correctly.

[244] Like, she's, like, working it across the room.

[245] Yeah, but she's got Stockholm syndrome.

[246] She's captured, right?

[247] She doesn't have Stockholm syndrome.

[248] She's doing it on purpose.

[249] It's a manipulation tactic.

[250] It's all pretend.

[251] For me to get horny about a woman that shackled, I'd have to work at it.

[252] Oh, I see.

[253] You know what I'm saying?

[254] She's captive.

[255] She's a sex slave.

[256] Let's just call it what it is.

[257] Fair.

[258] Yeah, she's sex trafficking.

[259] Mary, that was an incredible story.

[260] And in all, honestly, now that I hear it, It's rather innocent.

[261] It is.

[262] It's fair.

[263] Your bow should be totally comfy with this.

[264] I think they'll be fine.

[265] I do have an anatomical question, I guess, and there's two women and two men present.

[266] I didn't have an orgasm as a child.

[267] Did you rob?

[268] Not at five.

[269] But I've now heard of multiple females of having had orgasms in their childhood.

[270] That's really a revelation to me. It's weird that you figure it out, too.

[271] Who's going to be like, oh, let me lean on this step and then go into this weird position?

[272] Like, I didn't see that anywhere.

[273] but I just figured it out.

[274] That is so fascinating.

[275] The rubbing up on chairs is very common.

[276] I've had ex -girlfriends who humped pillows growing up.

[277] Yeah.

[278] It's all pretty common.

[279] Nothing's safe.

[280] I wonder with boys.

[281] I don't think we can do that.

[282] Well, you have wet dreams and stuff.

[283] Not until you go through puberty.

[284] It's like 13, 14.

[285] Yeah.

[286] So you can't get hard?

[287] No, Vincent gets little boners already.

[288] Oh.

[289] Good for him.

[290] So he's healthy.

[291] Rob's little baby gets boners.

[292] guys.

[293] But I don't think he's re -declimbing.

[294] We're in trouble.

[295] We gotta stop.

[296] We gotta stop.

[297] This isn't getting bad.

[298] Okay, this was awesome.

[299] Thank you.

[300] Wonderful story.

[301] Thank you so much.

[302] You're welcome.

[303] See you guys later.

[304] Bye.

[305] Bye.

[306] We've all been there.

[307] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[308] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[309] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[310] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[311] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[312] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[313] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[314] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon music.

[315] What's up guys?

[316] It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[317] Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[318] And I don't mean just friends.

[319] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[320] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[321] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[322] Here's Daniel.

[323] Daniel Craig.

[324] Daniel Shepard.

[325] Daxiel Shepard.

[326] What if you appeared on this one?

[327] That would be like your magician you like.

[328] Yeah.

[329] Hello.

[330] Hi, guys.

[331] Are we going to use your real name?

[332] Go for it.

[333] Yep.

[334] Okay, Daniel, welcome to the show.

[335] Thank you.

[336] Thank you very much.

[337] You're either in your kitchen or you have a fridge in your bedroom it's the fridge in the bedroom i had a hunch i had a hunch where are you at in the country i am near chicago northwest suburbs of chicago okay so we've got hold on don't say anything you got bowling brook you got naperville you got joliet what hoffman states hawfman estates not far from hoffman estates maybe 15 minutes from there let's be honest that was a wabiwob because i was from chicago He was born there.

[338] Rob said that's where he was born.

[339] He said a quiet.

[340] We got a ringer.

[341] He was born in Hoffman Estates.

[342] I was.

[343] So was I. What day?

[344] Switched at birth?

[345] Possibly.

[346] You never know.

[347] I was adopted.

[348] Oh my God.

[349] This is your brother.

[350] Oh my gosh.

[351] It's probably the same.

[352] Alexian Hospital.

[353] Yep.

[354] Oh.

[355] Oh my God.

[356] The prompt is if you're Rob's brother.

[357] If you're Rob's missing brother.

[358] Before I start telling probably the most embarrassing story in my life, do you have a second to meet the world's youngest armcherry?

[359] This is Rory.

[360] Oh, hi.

[361] Oh, my God.

[362] How old is Rory?

[363] Ten months?

[364] He is seven months.

[365] Seven months.

[366] Oh, my goodness.

[367] Oh, my gosh.

[368] He's got such a thick head of hair like his father.

[369] Mm -hmm.

[370] Rob.

[371] Wobby, wab.

[372] You have to tell your wife, we just made a joke.

[373] We're not laughing at your child.

[374] Yeah, no. Yeah, we made a rob joke.

[375] We love Rory.

[376] Oh, I like your little family.

[377] Good job, Daniel.

[378] So this isn't recent.

[379] This happened in the summer of 2006.

[380] I had just graduated from high school, and I took a summer job working at a small college about an hour north of here just across the Wisconsin border.

[381] I must have had a day off because I was driving from there back home in the middle of the night and for some crazy reason I thought it was a great idea to spend that hour and enjoying myself.

[382] Exploring.

[383] That's fine.

[384] And if you've ever tried to do this in a car, it's not easy.

[385] There's some hurdles.

[386] You're focused on driving.

[387] Ish.

[388] Well, that's the problem.

[389] Yeah.

[390] The job I was, working.

[391] It was in sports, so I'm dressed in sports attire.

[392] I don't have easy access.

[393] I'm wearing like athletic shorts.

[394] They are elastic waist.

[395] There's no fly.

[396] Obviously, those can't stay on.

[397] But already you're in a good stitch with the elastic waist.

[398] You would think, but for, you know, maximum enjoyment, you can't be digging in there.

[399] Can fine.

[400] Exactly.

[401] So I'm 10 minutes on the road.

[402] and I figure, why not?

[403] Shorts come off as I'm driving.

[404] Did something happen that day?

[405] I'm pretty sure I was just 18.

[406] Okay.

[407] I was a pretty innocent kid.

[408] I was a few weeks away from my first drink still.

[409] A lot of things happened that summer, but this was kind of the Kickstarter.

[410] I had never been in any trouble whatsoever.

[411] And so as I'm playing this out in my head, I'm thinking there's no possible way this could go wrong for me. I've got an hour to kill.

[412] Why not?

[413] I'm driving.

[414] I got the shorts off.

[415] I've set them on the passenger seat.

[416] Oh, wow.

[417] Okay.

[418] They're fully off.

[419] You can't have the shorts near the pedals.

[420] That's dangerous.

[421] That's true.

[422] You're right.

[423] You're right.

[424] You made the right call.

[425] And I'm thinking, okay, well, this isn't going to work.

[426] I need to add some lubrication.

[427] Okay.

[428] You're one of those.

[429] I suppose I was.

[430] Maybe not so much anymore.

[431] Sure.

[432] You get lazy over time, I think.

[433] I reach into the back seat.

[434] I grab my bag and whatever nasty smelling teenage shots.

[435] shower gel is in there.

[436] Oh, no. It was a soap product?

[437] Unfortunately, yeah.

[438] Yeah, and you hadn't learned yet already not to do that.

[439] That's right.

[440] Every boy will learn in his life when you jerk off with shampoo.

[441] It gets in your urethra.

[442] You have your orgasm.

[443] Kind of hurts when you have your orgasm, but then you pee afterwards and you're like, ah!

[444] So I've got the shower gel out, and I am cruising.

[445] It was a backroad.

[446] It's not like highway driving.

[447] It's one lane each way.

[448] a lot of curves.

[449] I go around a turn.

[450] I see these red lights on the road, like those little flare lights, maybe they set up when there's an accident or something, and they are directing me off the road.

[451] Oh my gosh.

[452] Before I have a chance to realize what's going on, there is a cop like flagging me over.

[453] Oh.

[454] And he's holding a mag light, I would guess.

[455] Oh, yeah.

[456] I'm not a cool customer at all.

[457] And so I am fumbling.

[458] My pants go fly into the bottom of the passenger seat.

[459] I'm trying to like find something to wipe my hand off, wipe my dick off.

[460] Oh my God.

[461] This is a mess.

[462] One hand covered in shower gel.

[463] I have another hand digging around.

[464] My head is not looking up at this top.

[465] And he's got to be thinking, what is this guy up to?

[466] And so I look.

[467] terrified.

[468] I pull up to the guy and he can see guilt all over my face.

[469] It's a DUI checkpoint.

[470] That's all they're looking for.

[471] And I kind of roll down the window and he takes one look at me and what's going on here?

[472] He doesn't know yet.

[473] Oh, he doesn't see your dick exposed.

[474] Not yet.

[475] He thinks I'm drinking.

[476] He's talking to my face still.

[477] No officer, no drinks.

[478] I haven't been drinking at all.

[479] You look a little preoccupied.

[480] Is everything okay?

[481] I am beat red in the face.

[482] I'm sweating.

[483] My hand is covered.

[484] Sir, can you step out of the vehicle?

[485] Oh, come on.

[486] I was like, I can't.

[487] I'm sorry.

[488] He can't do that.

[489] And he asks again, sir, I need you to step out of the vehicle.

[490] And he is dead serious.

[491] It's like, okay, I'm not wearing any pants.

[492] He just gives me a look.

[493] Like, okay, whatever, get out of the car.

[494] And so I slowly open the door.

[495] and I step out of the car.

[496] I am wearing, like, green cotton Grinch boxers.

[497] My dick is still out.

[498] Right.

[499] I mean, it's no longer involved.

[500] It is flaccid as flaccid cats.

[501] It's trying to hide.

[502] But in all my scrambling, I did not think the first thing to do would be to shove it back in.

[503] The officer takes one look at me up and down, and I can see it in his face.

[504] The guy just bursts out laughing.

[505] Oh, good, good.

[506] And he turns and he says, sir, drive safely.

[507] I do not get in any trouble for this.

[508] But I have never been more mortified in my entire life.

[509] He got a good look.

[510] And you're just slathered in that shower gel, too.

[511] Gosh, it was awful.

[512] It's all over the fly.

[513] Like, everything's wet.

[514] Needless to say, I did not finish the job.

[515] Do you fish your shorts off of the footwell of the passenger seat before you pull away?

[516] or you're like, I'll fuck, just get out of here.

[517] I'll deal with all this down the road.

[518] What was the order of events?

[519] I was gone.

[520] The shorts stayed off till I got home.

[521] Oh, my God.

[522] Okay.

[523] You never returned to the project.

[524] I don't think I ever made that drive in the middle of the night again.

[525] But I learned my lesson.

[526] The first time I ever got pulled over was by a cop with my dick out.

[527] Wow.

[528] Well, Daniel, that was a great story.

[529] And what a beautiful family you have.

[530] Who would have known on the side of that road in 2006 that you had become a responsible adult?

[531] Yeah, not I. Thanks for sharing.

[532] Yeah, thanks so much.

[533] That was great.

[534] Yeah, it was great meeting you.

[535] All right.

[536] Take care, brother.

[537] See it.

[538] We graduated the same year, too.

[539] We might have been at that hospital at the same time.

[540] You are twins.

[541] Separated at birth.

[542] Hi.

[543] Hi.

[544] Are we allowed to use your real name or do you want to stay anonymous in this?

[545] I would prefer anonymous.

[546] Okay.

[547] We totally get it.

[548] You can call me whatever.

[549] I'm going to call you Jenny.

[550] Okay.

[551] Where are you in the world?

[552] I'm in Oklahoma.

[553] Wonderful.

[554] Okay, so you have an embarrassing.

[555] Well, maybe it's not even embarrassing.

[556] You're caught masturbating.

[557] Maybe it was glorious.

[558] Oh, yeah.

[559] No, it was embarrassing.

[560] You're right.

[561] Okay.

[562] I've yet to meet someone that got caught and they were like, man, it was awesome.

[563] So, Jenny, what happened?

[564] So a little backstory.

[565] I got married at 19.

[566] Both of us grew up in like a super religious household, Southern baddest, absolutely.

[567] No sex before marriage.

[568] No masturbation.

[569] Absolutely.

[570] nothing.

[571] Even after we got married, he was having a hard time accepting that we could have sex now.

[572] He just could not get past that mental block.

[573] Yeah.

[574] It's been embroiled in shame for 20 years.

[575] Yes, but I was all for it.

[576] You were counting down the days.

[577] I was.

[578] Well, I was already kind of pulling away from the religious aspect even then.

[579] There was just a little loopholes.

[580] A lot of things that I just, they weren't connecting for me. And so, of course, I couldn't masturbate at home because he was there but i was 19 i was in my prime and ready to go hormones on fleek yes did i say that right oh my god i'm so sorry that was way more embarrassing than whatever story you're about yeah i was trying to think about apex of hormones i have a nine -year -old and i embarrass him constantly with me trying to keep up with the lingo yeah it felt right there but you're saying it was pretty clunky I didn't love it.

[581] Okay.

[582] Okay.

[583] So hormones on fleek.

[584] God on God.

[585] I had a job at an insurance company.

[586] And it was very small town, mom and pop.

[587] It was only the owner and myself that worked there.

[588] Male owner or female owner?

[589] It was a female.

[590] I would work from like four to eight every night.

[591] So pretty much when she would leave the office is when I would come in and take up.

[592] So I just got into the routine of after I got my work done, I would lock the door and just go nuts in my office.

[593] Good for you.

[594] I love this.

[595] Yes.

[596] Any visual aids or just your imagination?

[597] I would use my phone a lot.

[598] I would pull up my certain video stage.

[599] I would go to, I got so cocky and into it.

[600] I would start bringing toys in from my parish.

[601] Wow, good for you.

[602] Great.

[603] I've never totally made this.

[604] It is, by the way, not embarrassing.

[605] No, that's awesome.

[606] Yeah.

[607] But so one night, our office gets broken into.

[608] And of course, that leads her to install security cameras.

[609] I should have put it together.

[610] Oh, no. And I did not.

[611] And so I just still go on, you know, for a couple of weeks just doing my business.

[612] Sure.

[613] This detail may seem not important, but I think it is.

[614] Roughly how long were these sessions?

[615] That's a good question.

[616] Yeah.

[617] I had a whole thing going, like a good 45 minute.

[618] In the entire time, I had the door locked.

[619] Customers couldn't come in.

[620] It's not their time to be there.

[621] Not their time.

[622] You don't need insurance this late at night.

[623] It's fine.

[624] Kind of weirdo needs insurance at 7 p .m. And so she calls me into her office one day.

[625] And I'm just oblivious.

[626] I have no idea.

[627] She says, so you know we have cameras, right?

[628] I instantly just start crying.

[629] Oh, she's like, I've seen what you've been doing.

[630] Oh.

[631] I'm crying.

[632] And I'm just like, I'm fired, right?

[633] Like, this is it.

[634] And she's like, well, no, you're not fired, but stop it.

[635] Cut it out.

[636] Don't do this at the office, but I'm more upset that you've locked the door and.

[637] Got our business down.

[638] Like, you're on work hours.

[639] doing this.

[640] I'm not paying you to do this at work.

[641] Yeah.

[642] Rightfully so.

[643] You know, I just, I'm like, oh, thank you so much.

[644] And I go home, but then the next afternoon I, I'm mortified.

[645] When you're at home that night, you now are going through everything you did sexually.

[646] You had a foot up here.

[647] This was on.

[648] Yeah.

[649] You got new batteries.

[650] You guys are going through the sitcom of it all.

[651] Like, holy shit, I was all over the office.

[652] Yeah, it's just too embarrassing.

[653] Yes.

[654] And I mean, I was getting creative with some of the the things I was doing, you know, with office chairs and like, what exactly does she see?

[655] What is she going to go back and look at now?

[656] You weren't fucking in life.

[657] So you had to.

[658] Jenny, are you still with the husband?

[659] No, I am not.

[660] Did he turn out to be straight?

[661] No. He actually said he was gay.

[662] Surprised me. Wow.

[663] Well, what's so sad for young women and young men is at least in the south of this is this thing you don't want to deal with.

[664] It almost is a safety net.

[665] He's turned uber religious again and has turned away from his gayness.

[666] Oh, man. I hate it.

[667] Yeah, that's sad.

[668] It finally made so much sense once he did finally come out.

[669] Yeah.

[670] And it made me feel so much better because it was like, well, what's wrong with me?

[671] For sure.

[672] And by the way, the shame thing is an element, but most men I've ever met, they find a way to work through that shame.

[673] Like, I was a shame that I was beating off all the time, but I couldn't not.

[674] I would just feel guilty afterwards.

[675] Yeah.

[676] Wow.

[677] The prevailing thought I have after hearing the story is how proud I am of you that you were making this little sexual sanctuary for yourself.

[678] Like, I find it a very, like, life -affirming story.

[679] Do you, Monica?

[680] Yeah, I love it.

[681] You did what you had to do.

[682] Yeah.

[683] It was the best of times.

[684] It was the worst at times.

[685] Yeah.

[686] This is a dream come true.

[687] Thank you, both.

[688] That's a dream for us to get to talk to you.

[689] Before we wrap it up, we have to take two minutes and we have to thank Heavenly Father that the business owner was a female.

[690] Oh, my God.

[691] Yes.

[692] Because a good majority of guys would have never told you we got cameras up.

[693] And that would have been their new 45 -minute activity every night.

[694] Right.

[695] No, you're sorry.

[696] I never even thought about that.

[697] Yeah, we're terrible.

[698] We're not to be trusted with any kind of close.

[699] Oh, circuit television systems.

[700] Oh, well, Jenny, I feel great after hearing that story.

[701] Okay.

[702] You know?

[703] No, I do.

[704] I feel like life affirmed.

[705] I just feel like, oh, good for you.

[706] Get after it.

[707] I am so very grateful you to share with us.

[708] Yeah.

[709] Oh, well, thank you.

[710] I appreciate you both so much.

[711] Thanks so much for calling us and being brave and telling us a story.

[712] Thank you, guys.

[713] Nice meeting you.

[714] Bye.

[715] Bye.

[716] That was really, really great.

[717] And they were very G. They were.

[718] Well, thank God.

[719] Well, also because masturbation is a private endeavor.

[720] It's a private endeavor.

[721] It is G. Sex doesn't have to be R. No, it can be G and or PG -G -13 all the way up to NC -17 and into X. You know what I mean.

[722] Yeah.

[723] I loved every one of those stories.

[724] They weren't grimy and pervy.

[725] They were really innocent and uplifting.

[726] There's something innately innocent about masturbating.

[727] Yes, I agree.

[728] It has an innocence, a purity.

[729] It's an exploration.

[730] But I guess just for me, that Jenny story, God bless.

[731] That was great.

[732] 45 minutes.

[733] I love that.

[734] Visual aides.

[735] Setsing up shop.

[736] I liked both of the women.

[737] Yeah.

[738] We love women masturbating.

[739] We love it.

[740] We just love it.

[741] From us and ours to you and yours.

[742] We love women masturbating.

[743] Thank you for listening to another episode of Armchair Anonymous.

[744] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[745] We know a theme song.

[746] Oh.

[747] Okay, great.

[748] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[749] We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of armchair, he's book and some suggestions.

[750] On the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy.

[751] Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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