Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit teamcoco .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi, David.
[5] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[6] Hey, what's up, guys?
[7] Hey, David, how are you?
[8] Hello, hello, Sona.
[9] Hello, Matt.
[10] Oh, Conan.
[11] Oh, I like that little gray hair coming out of your face.
[12] Which one of us?
[13] It's called a beard where we live.
[14] Yes, yes.
[15] But thank you.
[16] Thank you.
[17] I admire your beard as well.
[18] You have a nice...
[19] Well, yeah, it's going.
[20] It's not that great, but I have to have it until it comes out naturally good.
[21] Yeah, it's going to get there.
[22] Give it 15 more years and you'll be fine.
[23] David, where are you contacting us from?
[24] Where are you in the world?
[25] Right now, I'm in Bukaramanga, Colombia.
[26] Bucaramanga.
[27] Where is Bucaramanga?
[28] It's just near...
[29] by Florida Blanca.
[30] Perfect.
[31] Now I'm really honest.
[32] It's like an hour from the capital.
[33] It's about 30 meters south of Kukamanga and Habrabanga.
[34] I don't know.
[35] I'm the ignorant one here, but I don't know where that is.
[36] Oh, it's one hour flight from the capital, Bogota.
[37] Okay.
[38] I was in Bogota when I was a very young boy.
[39] Really?
[40] Yeah, my father was on a trip for his work.
[41] work to visit a lot of cities in South America, and I think one of the first stops was in Bogota, Columbia.
[42] And I was very self -conscious because I remember all the women walking up to me and touching, my hair was like carrot orange, and I had big freckles.
[43] And so women would come up and just touch my hair.
[44] Now, today I would love that.
[45] Today I would love that.
[46] I would pray for that but as a boy it sort of upset me and terrified me made me very self -conscious that's my only memory of Bogota so well it's a beautiful city my mother lives there by the way okay I think she was one of the women that touched my hair I remember that she said one day my son David will also laugh at you so David what is you tell me about your life how's it going what do you do Well, I'm 30 years old.
[47] I know I don't look like it, but yeah.
[48] What do you mean you don't look like it?
[49] I think you look like a 30 -year -old guy.
[50] Yeah, but I feel like 50.
[51] No, I'm just kidding.
[52] Are you a club comedian?
[53] What's happening here?
[54] I'm just kidding.
[55] Okay, all right, okay.
[56] I'm an engineer.
[57] I'm an industrial engineer, and I have two jobs right now.
[58] I'm currently working at a manager at a pharmaceutical company, and I work at the city planning at the mayor's office.
[59] Oh, okay.
[60] Florida Blanca.
[61] You work for the city of Bucca Manga.
[62] Florida, Blanca.
[63] No, Florida Blanca.
[64] Oh, Florida, which means white Florida.
[65] Okay, well, that's kind of a, that's kind of a. It's redundant.
[66] Yeah, very, very, talk about redundant.
[67] Yeah, white Florida.
[68] So I'm curious if you, what do you, so you work on statistics, that's part of your job.
[69] Is that fun?
[70] I mean, it sounds a little dry.
[71] It doesn't sound like it's that much fun.
[72] Well, it's not that fun, to be honest.
[73] But the thing is that I go to the communities and I make this work with the people.
[74] I mean, I try to gather all the data.
[75] So I work on my statistics.
[76] So I have to go to all the places of the city.
[77] Oh, so you get to travel all around.
[78] Exactly, yeah.
[79] Yeah, it's cool.
[80] I mean, sometimes we have our, We have to go to very dangerous places, but yeah, we try to make the best part of it.
[81] What kind of dangerous place do you go to?
[82] Well, the thing is that Florida Blanca has a great place that is called Barrios de Invasion, which it's the neighborhoods that people build their own houses, right?
[83] Like the favelas on Brazil, right?
[84] Yep.
[85] But we have to go there and we have to do a characterization of the population.
[86] and sometimes it can get a little dangerous.
[87] Do you mean sometimes you feel like your life is threatened?
[88] Basically, yes.
[89] Because they see you as an outsider coming in, asking a lot of questions, and they don't like that.
[90] And, well, we carry a lot of equipment, a lot of laptops and cell phones.
[91] So, yeah, things happen.
[92] Oh, you get stuff maybe taken from you and things like that.
[93] Exactly, yes.
[94] Well, that wouldn't happen if I was around.
[95] Yeah.
[96] I'm very physically intimidated.
[97] Huh.
[98] Okay.
[99] Not me, I mean, just the idea of me. Okay.
[100] Me in person is, yeah, I'd be immediately attacked.
[101] Oh, so it would be your reputation preceding you and people.
[102] Yeah, I'd send my resume ahead.
[103] And I think that would quiet all the...
[104] What are you just going to drop leaflets of your resume from in C -130?
[105] With your resume around?
[106] I know I like, I like Goreley's ideas.
[107] Weeks before I arrive every day, huge dumps of my resume and my work over 30 years in the business.
[108] maybe some old Simpsons episodes and then I show you know I show up and I'm shown the proper respect but yeah short of that I'll immediately be murdered so have you ever lived in the United States yes as a matter of fact I did in 2014 I lived in Ohio for six months oh yeah was this as a punishment of some kind well I don't know it sounds like a sentence You are to serve six months in Ohio And then you may return to your beautiful Columbia Did you ever go to the real white Florida?
[109] I have What did you do when you were in Ohio?
[110] Well, the thing is that there is a program called work and travel That allows you to go to United States With a visa work permit And you work four months over there And then you can travel for two more Wow I went to Ohio I work at a, at a hotel at front desk, at a hotel called Pudan Bay Resort.
[111] And it was a great experience.
[112] I mean, it had like really bad moments, but overall it was a great experience.
[113] I'd like to hear about the bad moment.
[114] What was the bad moments?
[115] Okay.
[116] I mean, the bad moments, I like to call it like the three days in hell.
[117] Sure.
[118] That does it.
[119] Three whole days in hell.
[120] Because four people came on a Tuesday, well, to check in, of course, to the hotel, and I checked them in.
[121] And the guys seemed great.
[122] There were two couples, right?
[123] And on the first night, they come to the front desk, really drunk.
[124] And they asked me, hey, man, can we use the jacuzzi?
[125] And I was like, no, the jacuzzi service is up until 6 p .m. and it was like 10 p .m., right?
[126] And they were, keep going at it, like, come on, man. And no one's in the hotel.
[127] Because the hotel was, like, dead on the weekdays, right?
[128] Yeah.
[129] And I was like saying, no, I'm not authorized to do that.
[130] So one of the guys actually pulls up his wallet and takes out $100 bill and says, look, turn on the Hedjikutsi, and I'm going to give you $100.
[131] And, well, that was the first time I got bribed.
[132] Oh, you took it.
[133] It worked.
[134] I mean, welcome to America, Davy.
[135] Exactly.
[136] I mean, as soon as the bill touched my hand, I was like, okay, how many talent do you guys need?
[137] Let me just, let me turn on the bubbles.
[138] Yeah, so what a wonderful morality tale you just told us, Dave.
[139] So the first moment, it's like you are high on dopamine.
[140] Like, this is great.
[141] Yeah.
[142] But then you feel like kind of, kind of dirty.
[143] Like, oh my God.
[144] Yeah.
[145] I just destroyed my whole integrity for $100.
[146] right well that happened on the first night right i felt bad about it on the second night they come up to me exactly like 10 or 12 12 p .m and they go like hey we're going to use the golf card can we use the golf cart i'm like no no the service for the golf card is up until yeah 5 p .m it goes again that takes off his wallet and gives me a 50 and i'm like oh come on man just take out the goddamn golf cart yeah also we didn't Your weight is $100.
[147] Yeah, first of all, why'd you go down?
[148] You went down to 50?
[149] You're going to give a drunk people at night access to a golf cart, and you're only getting $50?
[150] And that's not the worst part.
[151] They actually lost the golf cart.
[152] So I have to look for it.
[153] Well, wait a minute.
[154] Now I feel like I got to go to Ohio and find these people.
[155] That's a whole other thing.
[156] What they don't tell you is that all the golf carts have the same key.
[157] So the golf cart got stuff.
[158] stolen, and someone drove it and left it on the beach.
[159] Let me ask you a question.
[160] David, were you blamed for any of this?
[161] Did your employer get angry with you?
[162] No, I hope they don't see this.
[163] Well, you don't work there anymore.
[164] Yeah, you're safe.
[165] I don't work there.
[166] You're very far from Ohio, and I don't think.
[167] Yeah, but I really felt bad about that.
[168] Yeah, those are the only two times I've got bride in my life, by the way.
[169] I just want to make that clear.
[170] Oh.
[171] Well, want to go for a third?
[172] Yeah.
[173] we're going to bribe him to do um let's spitball i don't know good question eat those flowers yeah i'd want to see the money first from this guy yeah exactly uh so um what are your passions in life david what do you what do you really love okay okay i love to play tennis as a matter of fact i tried to go pro when i was 16 but it was it was really complicated yeah i mean i played with the best players here in columbia and they destroyed me so well i gave up on that dream really fast that's okay i mean it's it's good that you found out then i pursued uh you know professional football for way too long before i realized i was no good at it well into my late 30s i was still kept putting on the uniform yeah i put on the uniform and videotate myself in the uniform eating a bowl of oatmeal and then I would send that around to all the top teams and it never really got it.
[174] No bites, huh?
[175] But eventually I had to learn.
[176] I had to learn.
[177] I also like movies.
[178] I like TV shows, movies and as a matter of fact, my brother studied like cinematography.
[179] Is it like, is that a word?
[180] Yeah, that's it.
[181] So he studied that here in Columbia and he tried to look for a job in that thing, but he didn't find it.
[182] So he had to travel.
[183] He left Columbia and now he's currently living in California.
[184] Oh, well, yes, there's much more of that kind of work here in California.
[185] So, yeah, so he's trying to make him, he's trying to make movies over there.
[186] I don't know if you guys have heard about him.
[187] His name is James Cameron.
[188] He got me. Hey, I'm going to pay you $100.
[189] is to stop making jokes.
[190] He got me. No, that one got me. Yeah, he was like, his name is what?
[191] The California part, the California part is real.
[192] I don't know what's real with you anymore.
[193] You're a shapeshifter.
[194] One minute, you're a city planner.
[195] You're doing valuable work for the government.
[196] But then you're running the front desk at some cheesy motel in Ohio, taking bribes.
[197] You're all over the map.
[198] You're a tennis star or are you?
[199] Who knows?
[200] I don't know who you are, Doug.
[201] Catch me if you can, this guy.
[202] Exactly.
[203] And I also play the piano.
[204] I do concerts by the way What's your favorite kind of music Yeah Well I listen to everything I mean I can listen to reggaeton But I can also listen to heavy metal Do metal Yeah Death metal Oh you like death metal So that that kind of range What's your favorite What are your favorite bands Your favorite death metal bands Ooh Death metal bands Well I like I wouldn't say Slipknot It's a death metal band Oh Slipknot They used to come on my show regularly.
[205] I like those guys.
[206] Really?
[207] Yeah, yeah.
[208] They were terrific.
[209] And they put on a great show.
[210] But they're just regular metal.
[211] They're not death metal.
[212] Yeah, they're like power metal.
[213] Yeah, thrash metal.
[214] Death metal, Dr. Acula.
[215] It's a death metal band.
[216] Oh, I see what they're doing there.
[217] Dr. Acula.
[218] Yeah.
[219] I see it.
[220] I'm just piecing it together now, but I see what's happening.
[221] Let me see their depo.
[222] Yeah.
[223] And there's their other band is Frank, middle initial N, Stein and Stein.
[224] No, but really, that's didn't Yeah, but I like, Frank N. Stein.
[225] Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for orthopaedic surgeon, Frank.
[226] Middle initial, and Stein.
[227] Two, three, four, rah, right, right, death, death, die, die.
[228] Is that what you think death metal is?
[229] They just say death over?
[230] They did say death and die.
[231] Die, die, die, die, die, die, death.
[232] Rot, rot, rot, rot, rot, run, run.
[233] You're in a never, Oh, there is no nothing in the future!
[234] Blackness!
[235] Black this!
[236] Death!
[237] Death!
[238] Death!
[239] Do you have a new favorite death metal artist, David?
[240] Deveed, come on, that was pretty good.
[241] Oh, well, well, you have to go a little bit down, like...
[242] Can you affect my voice, Edwardo?
[243] She's one of an effect...
[244] Yeah, I want to try and do this.
[245] This is a new death metal band called Dr. Orthopedic Surgeon Frank N. Stein.
[246] I can do it in post, if you were.
[247] Yeah, we'll do it in post.
[248] We're going down now, right?
[249] Yeah.
[250] Heavy metal, heavy metal, death, death, die, die, die, die, run, run, run, run.
[251] There is no light in the future.
[252] You're in your coffin and you're dead and you're dead and you're dead and you're in your coffin dead.
[253] Yeah, that sounds amazing.
[254] That's it.
[255] And that's a ballad.
[256] That was great.
[257] That's a acoustic ballad.
[258] Wow.
[259] So you like your, you like your death metal.
[260] Do you do mosh pits?
[261] Yeah.
[262] Like, do you go to concerts and do you do mosh pits?
[263] Well, I used to, not anymore, be honest.
[264] I haven't been in a mosh pit in like 10 years.
[265] Yeah.
[266] They've changed.
[267] The whole husband is big on mosh pits.
[268] Oh, okay.
[269] Well, yeah.
[270] And so is Matt, Matt O 'Brien, your head writer likes to mosh it up.
[271] It's a nephew that I had to hire.
[272] Oh, okay.
[273] Well, you know, they like to mosh it up.
[274] Moshing is, but apparently there's, you know, you're not supposed to.
[275] I don't think it's moshing.
[276] I think it's pitting.
[277] Oh.
[278] I think there's like specific vernacular that goes with it.
[279] Okay, wow.
[280] Yeah.
[281] Well, David, I noticed that you wandered off.
[282] Oh, no, yeah.
[283] I was just trying to charge my computer.
[284] Can we bribe you to come back?
[285] No, it's a really good time to check on your electronics.
[286] Yeah, exactly.
[287] I'm sorry.
[288] We had a good thing on mosh pits, and then suddenly we're talking about all these people they don't know.
[289] Wow.
[290] What an incredible thought of sack.
[291] Anyway, I'm stuck in a hell of my own making, David.
[292] Three days.
[293] I would love to be touring those dangerous areas with you.
[294] Yeah, that would be awesome.
[295] As a matter of fact, I have, I looked for four, like, fun facts about Columbia.
[296] And I have them right here.
[297] Oh, wow.
[298] One is that.
[299] Right here.
[300] You have to look it up.
[301] Wow.
[302] Look at that.
[303] You live there.
[304] I just wanted to, I would just want to be completely sure about them.
[305] One is that Colombia is the most by a diverse country in the world.
[306] Wow.
[307] That's exciting.
[308] I mean, there's always a. trouble against Brazil, who's the most biodiverse.
[309] I know, and I'm tired of that old feud.
[310] Yeah.
[311] I can't take it anymore for my money.
[312] No, when I travel, I always say, honey, is this place biodeverse?
[313] Exactly.
[314] Yeah.
[315] What's next?
[316] How many species do they have?
[317] Yeah.
[318] The next one is, like, how they have, we have 4 ,000 species of four kids.
[319] David.
[320] David, you're not helping Colombia right now.
[321] That's also a sub fact of the last fact.
[322] That's...
[323] Well, yeah, that's true.
[324] That's true.
[325] What's the next one?
[326] There are more greater variety of otter.
[327] What's the third one to be?
[328] I mean, it's a fun fact.
[329] What's number three and four?
[330] Like, 1 ,500 orchids that only can be found in Colombia.
[331] Yeah, yeah.
[332] I've been looking.
[333] Okay, what's number three?
[334] It's the country with the most precipitation per year.
[335] Wow.
[336] I've got to get there.
[337] There's orchid, biodiversity, and constant rain.
[338] Constant rain.
[339] I can't wait for number four.
[340] Oh, number four is going to be, this number one that seals the deal.
[341] Yeah, but yeah, it's a beautiful country.
[342] It has beautiful beaches.
[343] Wait, what's number four?
[344] Oh, wait.
[345] Even you got bored.
[346] The fourth one is we have the most bird diversity in the world.
[347] Don't be.
[348] Let me up.
[349] You're also the most diverse in your diversity.
[350] Yeah, but you don't have very much diversity in your fun facts.
[351] No. I'm all about that working one.
[352] Back up.
[353] I'm sorry.
[354] I looked for them 10 minutes ago.
[355] I know it's okay.
[356] Sounds like...
[357] Well, you prepared more than most people do.
[358] Yeah.
[359] I think you just lost your government job.
[360] Well, David, you seem like a really nice guy.
[361] You really do.
[362] And I'm glad.
[363] Do you know us through the podcast?
[364] Is that how you know us?
[365] No, as a matter of fact, I've been a huge fan since, like, your days in The Simpsons.
[366] Oh, wow.
[367] As a matter of fact, yeah.
[368] Yeah, yeah, exactly.
[369] Exactly.
[370] And I was able to watch your show when I lived in Ohio.
[371] That was the first time I watched your show.
[372] And I've been following it ever since on YouTube.
[373] Oh, cool.
[374] Great.
[375] Well, I'm glad you're checking it out.
[376] And that's the reason most people emigrate to America is to try and catch up on what I'm up to.
[377] That's a statistic that I don't want you to look into.
[378] That's just trust me on that.
[379] Yeah.
[380] And I love the remotes.
[381] Oh, thanks.
[382] And I always, yeah, I always thought about you coming here to Columbia and making a really great remote.
[383] What would the remote be about if I came to Columbia?
[384] Orchid searching, right?
[385] No. What kind of things can you imagine?
[386] You say you're familiar with my style of comedy and the kind of remotes I do.
[387] What do you think I'd be doing if I came to Colombia?
[388] Okay.
[389] First, we would have to go to the beaches.
[390] I mean, they're beautiful.
[391] And girls would love to see.
[392] six -foot tall man, really white guy on the beach with a little short.
[393] I don't think that, I think they'd be amused.
[394] I don't, but I think that's the extent to which they would like it.
[395] They'll come rub your head.
[396] Yeah, oh, true.
[397] Oh, yeah, exactly.
[398] Yeah.
[399] Wasn't, yeah, we would go to.
[400] I think I'm in the right age.
[401] We would go to Bogota.
[402] Yeah.
[403] And we would try to go into a telenovela, which is really big here in Colombia.
[404] Cool.
[405] we would go if it's possible to the Amazon I mean we have a big chunk of the Amazon and it's beautiful really bio -diverse yes so you and I would get we get in a canoe and go down will we go down the river the Amazon yeah exactly and see the the pink dolphins we have pink dolphins by the way oh why what happened what happened?
[406] What happened What happened to them?
[407] I don't know.
[408] You know what?
[409] Someone was washing them and put a red t -shirt in there.
[410] Oh, come on.
[411] That's what happened.
[412] That's how you get a pink.
[413] I'm sorry.
[414] Who put the red shirt in here?
[415] Well, listen, David, it's been very nice getting to chat with you.
[416] You seem like a nice young man. I think you're doing good work.
[417] Be careful in those dangerous spots.
[418] Look after yourself.
[419] Right.
[420] And try to enjoy some of what.
[421] Columbia has to offer, the orchids, the pink dolphins, more types of orchids, and then other orchids.
[422] The birds.
[423] The rain.
[424] Is it raining right now where you are?
[425] Not really.
[426] It's really sunny.
[427] Yeah.
[428] It will rain very soon.
[429] Yeah.
[430] Because I've heard your precipitation is off the charts.
[431] Exactly.
[432] Well, nice talking to you, David, really.
[433] And I hope our paths crossed one day.
[434] We'll have a good time.
[435] yeah as a matter of fact one last thing that i want to say is that um my brother's getting married in california in march 25 and i'm going to be over there and uh i just wanted to shout out to my brother and loren i'm really happy for you guys so that's so sweet that's nice that's really nice all right well you guys are you guys are invited to the wedding okay oh okay where is it at yeah Where's the wedding going to be?
[436] It's in Oakland.
[437] Oh.
[438] Okay.
[439] Well, anyway, best of luck, David.
[440] And I hope you have a great time at the wedding.
[441] Okay.
[442] Thank you very much.
[443] It was such a pleasure to meet you guys.
[444] Thanks, lovely to talk to you.
[445] Bye -bye.
[446] Bye -bye.
[447] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[448] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[449] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaire.
[450] and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[451] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[452] Supervising producer Aaron Blaird.
[453] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[454] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.
[455] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[456] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[457] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.