Paul Rudd

[0] Hello, my name is Paul Rudd.

[1] And I feel excited about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Do you really feel excited?

[3] Well, I mean, I temper my excitement.

[4] Fall is here, hear the yell, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, the scam podcast where I trick really amazing people into talking to me about maybe being my friend and then I never hear from them again.

[6] But it's been really fun, of course, joined by my trusty assistant Sona Mossessian.

[7] How are you, Sona?

[8] I'm good.

[9] You know what?

[10] You'll hear from me. What's that?

[11] If you text me, I'll text you back.

[12] What is that all?

[13] What is that?

[14] Well, because you're like, I don't hear from them again, but I'm like, I'll, you know, I'll respond to you.

[15] You have to talk to me. I see you.

[16] You have a desk right outside my office.

[17] I know.

[18] I see you every day.

[19] I know.

[20] I was just trying to make you feel better.

[21] It was threatening.

[22] I know.

[23] You know that in real life I have friends, don't you?

[24] Do you?

[25] You do.

[26] Okay.

[27] No, you do.

[28] I do have friends.

[29] I do have friends.

[30] I don't have as many celebrity friends as people would think.

[31] No, you have friends that you've had for a long time, which I think says a lot about you.

[32] Yeah, I have friends that I've had, you know, since high school, since college, friends from improv back in the 80s when we all had, you know, feathered haircuts, blow dry up the middle.

[33] Oh.

[34] 80s was a rough time for me. It was a very rough time.

[35] I parted my hair in the middle for a while.

[36] That was a mistake.

[37] It was a mistake.

[38] Yeah, I looked like Susan Day on the Partridge Family.

[39] Also, I want to throw out our terrific producer, Matt Goreley.

[40] Hi, Coney.

[41] How were you?

[42] I know I did.

[43] At the 80s, I'm not kidding.

[44] I remembered I had no fashion sense, and I didn't know anything.

[45] I had no one helping me. So when I graduated from college and I moved out to Los Angeles with my writing partner, Greg Daniels, all through college, I've been wearing the jeans and t -shirts that I had worn in high school all the way through college, never got new clothes.

[46] And then got out to L .A. and thought, yeah, I should probably get like a new piece of clothing.

[47] A new piece.

[48] A new piece of collection of...

[49] Keep in mind, this was the 80s.

[50] It was like Dickensian, you know.

[51] People, please, sir, may have some walls.

[52] You know, times were tough.

[53] So I was in Westwood, I think, and I passed a store, and it was selling this white, with my complexion, white denim jacket that had big shoulder pads.

[54] What?

[55] And it had all kinds of like weird patches and scenes.

[56] and it was all white, and it looked like something that a guy in Flock of Seagulls, who's playing the keytar, someone with like a keyboard guitar thing, it looked like something that at one point in a flock of Seagull's song, if they were like, take it, Ketar, a guy like me would step forward wearing that white jacket with shoulder pads, it was the most, and I wore it, you know, it took me years to figure out, No, when you've got complexion of mine where you can see, people can just see my circulatory system when they look at me. I have to wear darker, like, blues.

[57] I need to do things like that that contrast a little bit with my face, bright white.

[58] And it was hideous.

[59] And I committed to it for, I think, three years.

[60] And it was, talk about, it was my celibacy suit.

[61] I was just going to say.

[62] Your chastity jacket.

[63] It was my chastity jacket.

[64] It was my chastity jacket.

[65] I wore this thing and I would wear it around and be like hi ladies and no problem there there's no photo of me in the 80s holding a woman too tightly I can't be me too because no one came near me I have high agoyles I was just I don't know what I was I honestly don't know what I was thinking and I'm so glad that it's gone I think at one point I really got a good look at myself on a reflective surface and was so horrible that the jacket had to be.

[66] What was the rest of the outfit?

[67] Was it like?

[68] Probably white denim jeans and white sneakers.

[69] No, no, no. Some kind of weird angel?

[70] No, I was, it was a white jacket.

[71] I wore jeans all the time.

[72] They never fit quite right because my legs are so long.

[73] You had to buy like store -bought off the rack.

[74] Yes, yeah, and I have super long legs.

[75] And so there was always a gap.

[76] They call them floods.

[77] Yeah.

[78] I had floods, so ankle, exposed, big puffy sneakers and it was just it was a shit show.

[79] What kind of socks?

[80] Like white gym socks?

[81] I don't remember.

[82] I blacked out at some point.

[83] It's like asking someone to recall a car accident and you're saying like, but what did it feel like as you were going through the windshield?

[84] I don't know.

[85] I just know that my face was shredded and I woke up in a sewer pipe and you're trying to like, well, what did the glove compartment look like?

[86] You know, I don't know.

[87] I went through the It was an awful, awful, awful accident what I was wearing.

[88] You tried something new.

[89] No, no, no. If I'd owned it for a day, it would be excusable.

[90] If I owned it for a week, you could say, but no, I think there's three years worth of pictures of me wearing this jacket.

[91] And they exist out there, and we've got to find them.

[92] There'll be a hunt for Conan wearing the white denim, bright white denim, flock of seagulls jacket.

[93] It had kind of like almost a double -breasted thing that went across the front.

[94] Like a short, cropped waistcoat kind of thing?

[95] And I think it was sort of like I was the pretty high up the chain on an Imperial Space Force.

[96] Like, I can't give the command to fire the laser, but I'm next to the guy who gives the command to fire the laser.

[97] Were there buckles at all on this thing?

[98] I don't think there were buckles, but there were snaps.

[99] There were snaps.

[100] and yeah and tons of little pockets and inside pockets and outside pockets and whoever made that coat made that jacket and it might I don't want to disparage any company chess king whoever made that jacket needs to be brought before some kind of tribunal or else just forced to wear that jacket now yeah I'm very excited about our guest today my guest today has appeared in countless movies over the years including clueless knocked up role model Anchorman, Ant -Man, Ant -Man, and Avengers Endgame, which is the highest -grossing superhero movie in history.

[101] You can now see him starring in the Netflix series Living with Yourself, which is really fantastic.

[102] I have watched the show, and it's terrific.

[103] He's one of the nicest guys in Hollywood.

[104] I've known him for years.

[105] He is so funny, and I'm excited he's with us today.

[106] Paul Rudd is in the studio.

[107] Hey, Paul.

[108] When you came in, just now to the podcast, you acted as if you were familiar you were familiar with the podcast.

[109] Oh my God, I've been listening for weeks.

[110] Because you acted weeks.

[111] No, I'm kidding.

[112] I've always, I love the podcast.

[113] Thank you very much, but you were excited to see Gorley and Sona as if they were rock stars.

[114] Yeah.

[115] That upset me. Oh, no. It's always a strange thing to, you know, you imagine what some somebody looks like or what a space looks like.

[116] And then when you actually see them or it in real life, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, it's an interesting.

[117] It's a drag.

[118] It's a drag.

[119] It's a drag.

[120] It's not a drag.

[121] To see Gorley in person.

[122] Yeah, I get it.

[123] I get what you're saying.

[124] I remember as a kid, I would listen to, you know, kind of before, uh, musicians and bands and music, everyone was so in your face and you just really heard songs on the radio.

[125] Occasionally, you know, I'd really love a song and I'd listen to it and I know it really well.

[126] Right.

[127] And then I'd see the band that was singing it.

[128] Maybe they were on Saturday Night Live or, you know, and it was, I remember just having visceral reactions.

[129] Yes.

[130] Whoa, he does not look like what I imagined him to look like.

[131] You know who apparently had that effect was that singer Christopher Cross.

[132] Yeah.

[133] Women fell in love with Christopher Cross.

[134] And it was just in the era before videos.

[135] Right.

[136] And so they heard him singing all those songs.

[137] And then I guess, and I hope I'm not offending anyone out there.

[138] there, particularly Christopher Cross, but then they saw him.

[139] I'm guessing he might be the one that might be.

[140] He would be the one.

[141] I'm looking at my list of who might be offended, and it just says Christopher Cross over and over again.

[142] But apparently that was what happened, is people saw him.

[143] Women saw him and went, oh, that's not what I was thinking about when I heard the song.

[144] He, not an ugly man by any means.

[145] Oh, thank you.

[146] Yeah, no, not at all, not at all.

[147] But it is true.

[148] I remember seeing Christopher Cross the first time, and that's another example.

[149] kind of a high, higher -pitched voice.

[150] His voice didn't seem to match the physicality.

[151] Yeah.

[152] It's really, I'm just repeating what you said.

[153] You tempered what I said, and you made it nicer, you know.

[154] You said there was a dissonance.

[155] There was not a connection between the visual and the, I don't know how this happened.

[156] This happens.

[157] But you're all right.

[158] That is essentially what I was saying, as I was repeating, what you had initially said about in a way the voice, not necessary.

[159] matching the vessel.

[160] Let me point out to everyone listening right now that what you can do with this podcast at any point is there's a fast forward button.

[161] So if at any point Paul and I get lost in what some would call a conversational cul -de -sac, a dead end, you can push the 30 seconds forward button, then push it again and then again.

[162] Look, I'll be honest with you.

[163] I would imagine people are probably just throwing their phones away.

[164] Now, that's an expensive proposition.

[165] That's how much they hate this.

[166] To walk up, to dislike the Conan O 'Brien podcast so much that you have the brand new iPhone with the three lenses and you just got it and you just got the screen protector put on and you're listening to this episode and you go, nope, and you walk up to the nearest trash can and drop it in with a thud.

[167] I'll just get another phone.

[168] It's not worth, it's, it's, that's, Oh, it's like, that tasted so bad.

[169] This has infected my phone.

[170] That's what we've done.

[171] With this podcast is you're going to find out that the phone is slower now.

[172] Even if you delete the whole podcast, even if you delete all the podcasts I've done.

[173] This interview is given your phone a virus.

[174] Yeah.

[175] Things are going to just be.

[176] slower, the reception won't be the same.

[177] Nothing you do now.

[178] We've known each other a long time.

[179] I remember, I'm going to sound like an old man now, but I started, I think, that my TV show, and I think, I know exactly, it was 93.

[180] And then I think it was like two years later when Clueless came out and you were this fresh -faced young man that showed up on the program, very funny, very nice.

[181] And we've constantly been running into each other.

[182] I've interviewed you a million times, but also just I'll pass you.

[183] I'll have Paul Rudd encounters, sort of like seeing a Yeti in the woods.

[184] And it's really always a very nice experience.

[185] And I'll tell you exactly about one of them, which is JFK Airport.

[186] I think it was JFK.

[187] I was walking through JFK Airport.

[188] And my wife and I ran into you and you hadn't shaved.

[189] and you were holding a guitar case.

[190] A banjo.

[191] You had a banjo in it.

[192] And you said that you were learning it and practicing it.

[193] And we just had the nicest talk with you.

[194] And here's the weird thing.

[195] Every time I know exactly where it was in JFK Airport, because every time I walk through that part of JFK Airport, I have the same thought, which is, yeah, I saw Paul Rudd here with his banjo.

[196] Like every single...

[197] I have the exact same memory.

[198] and I walk past that same spot and I think the same thing.

[199] Isn't that weird?

[200] That is.

[201] It's like a nice, there should be a plaque there.

[202] That sounds grandiose.

[203] I know.

[204] Some people listen are like, that's a little far.

[205] But I think there should be a plaque commemorating that you and I had a nice moment there.

[206] I think I said, I think, I said, yeah, I'm trying to learn banjo.

[207] And you said something about, do you want to punish your family?

[208] Yeah, yeah.

[209] It's probably some cruel, remarks.

[210] It made me, it was very funny.

[211] Not so funny that I remember it verbatim clearly.

[212] No, but I it was a solid C plus.

[213] Yeah.

[214] But I remember laughing.

[215] Not so much at the one joke, but more a career in comedy.

[216] Thank you.

[217] You were appreciating my body of work in that moment.

[218] The body of work.

[219] Yeah.

[220] You said, well, that was a weak infield.

[221] They all add up.

[222] Yeah.

[223] Yeah, but he's hit some homers in his day.

[224] Oh, plenty.

[225] Yeah.

[226] I remember that very well.

[227] And just over the years, you've really had a, I'll use the word lovely.

[228] I use that word occasionally, I think on the podcast.

[229] I've used the word lovely.

[230] But I think you've had a lovely career in terms of, I'll say this, in terms of you do work, people really like you, you do very good work, and you've endured for what is now a long time.

[231] It's been, you've been like 60 years that you've been around.

[232] 60 years, 60 years.

[233] I remember you when you first appeared on the old, first I Love Lucy, Violet.

[234] Yeah, yeah.

[235] And she was great.

[236] Lucy was great.

[237] She was great.

[238] I'll tell you who wasn't Vivian Vance.

[239] Oh.

[240] Really?

[241] Yeah.

[242] She seemed so nice on TV.

[243] She did, yeah.

[244] Total nightmare.

[245] By the way, this is the kind of joke that then we'll get picked up in Rittenhampton.

[246] I hate Vivian Vance.

[247] You know who picks these?

[248] I've never met Vivian Vance in my life.

[249] You know who loves to pick up these things?

[250] It's, and my hat's off to them, but The Inquirer, they love to take stuff, someone like me, someone like you joking around.

[251] Yeah.

[252] And then it will be comic rips into beloved Vivian Vance.

[253] Yeah.

[254] It'll show up there.

[255] There'll be a picture of you looking like a dick.

[256] Mm -hmm.

[257] And then there'll be a picture of her looking like a saint.

[258] Right.

[259] And then one story will be written.

[260] And then a bunch of other outlets will just look at that headline and then twist it even more.

[261] Yeah.

[262] Until finally, it's just reported that I murdered Vivian Vance.

[263] Well, well -known Vivian Vance murderer, Paul Rudd.

[264] By the way, and this is how, like, I'm, we're joking about it.

[265] I'm actually now nervous of what's going to be written about me and Vivian Vance.

[266] Well, I, we had this experience.

[267] I joked once with Sona shortly after Michael Jackson passed away.

[268] Oh, yeah.

[269] Did I mention this on the podcast?

[270] Yeah, but it's a good one.

[271] Well, I'll just briefly recap it for those people that have...

[272] But I was just joking with Sona and saying things like, look, Sona, I'd like to go to the service to pay my respect to my...

[273] She had just started working with me, right?

[274] You didn't know.

[275] It was really early on.

[276] And I just called her up and said, look, Michael's passed away.

[277] I'm going to want to go to the viewing.

[278] I want alone time with Michael.

[279] I'll say hi to Joe, the father, but I don't want to see Tito.

[280] And she wrote all this down.

[281] And then I got to work, and she was about to start making calls.

[282] Of course, they never would have let me within 1 ,000 miles.

[283] But I talked about this somewhere, and then there was this article, like, in the inquire about the cruelest man in show business.

[284] And it was Conan O 'Brien forced his assistant to try and get in to see Michael Jackson.

[285] I'm like, no, it was a joke.

[286] And then I had my mother's friends going, what happened to your boy?

[287] Why did he become such a monster?

[288] Yeah.

[289] Yeah.

[290] I just didn't want to see Tito.

[291] I kept saying that, right?

[292] I don't want to see Tito.

[293] And you also said you wanted to adopt Blanket.

[294] I said I want to adopt Blanket.

[295] And I actually said, I told her which lawyer of mine to call to start the adoption proceedings for Blanket.

[296] And then this was your first week on the job.

[297] Yeah, literally her first week on the job.

[298] And then, of course, and I am a monster.

[299] I'll admit that.

[300] But I was just so funny.

[301] And they found a picture of me like sneering, you know, from, you know, staring into this.

[302] They got a shot of me like outside.

[303] because of the sunlight, and it looked like I was just this miserable old Mr. Burns from the Simpsons, like, cruel taskmaster.

[304] But anybody's reading that can see and see the joke.

[305] No, they couldn't.

[306] They couldn't.

[307] You read it, and you just think, what a madman.

[308] It is true.

[309] You just hope they do.

[310] No, no, they don't.

[311] No, they don't.

[312] Many people now think I'm a monster, and they should.

[313] You started doing something, what year did you start doing this?

[314] You started showing a clip.

[315] I would, I think it began with you and it was just an absurdist da -da kind of joke instead of showing a clip for your movie and this is something that fans just really grew to love you would always say, okay, it's time to show the clip for my movie and you would set it up very seriously and then you would cut to this footage from this movie called Mac and Me of a boy in a wheelchair going down a hill and going off a cliff and falling into the water and then a badly animated alien popping up.

[316] Yeah.

[317] It's a fantastic clip.

[318] It's startling, isn't it?

[319] It's startling and shocking, and the picture of the boy in the wheelchair dropping into the water, and it's supposed to be like a kid's movie.

[320] Yeah.

[321] It's one of the most, and I encourage anyone who just go online and look at Paul Rudd, Conan, Paul Rudd wases Conan's time and America's time, whatever, just plug that in, and this clip from Mac and Me will come up.

[322] You started doing that, and then you committed to it over a 20 -year period.

[323] Right, yeah.

[324] It's been 20 years, I think.

[325] I was never, I never imagined that that would be the case.

[326] You didn't think I'd last that long.

[327] You said I'll do this for the last two years of Conan's career.

[328] Starting in 95.

[329] And then whatever flavor of the month comes in to host a show, then I'll just take that bit over to theirs.

[330] No, I, you know, there was something so tricky about, I'm saying, oh, here I am, I'm going to sell my wares on TV.

[331] I'm like, oh, here's something from, What I just filmed, it just seemed, and still does, to a large extent, kind of insincere.

[332] And so to me, it's like, oh, this is all just, people are watching this, and it's all just silly anyway.

[333] This entire business is silly.

[334] So that was one where I thought, I've seen the whole movie.

[335] You've seen the movie, Mac and Me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[336] Let me educate people.

[337] It is a kind of a bad E .T. rip -off, right?

[338] Yeah.

[339] It came out a few years after you.

[340] I think funded by McDonald's, and which is why it's Mac, there's a girl in it.

[341] That's right.

[342] There's a McDonald's connection.

[343] There's a whole sequence that takes place in McDonald's.

[344] Right.

[345] There's a girl who wears a McDonald's uniform throughout the whole movie.

[346] But there's a scene, I remember watching it, kind of stumbling across it on TV, and there's a scene where it's like the alien raids this kid's house, kind of exactly like E. And then he goes out and he's looking for this.

[347] what he assumes, I guess, is an alien or something that was in his house.

[348] And then the alien is up in the tree looking at him.

[349] And then this Peter Citerra sounding song about best friends kicks in.

[350] And it's totally unearned.

[351] They don't even know each other.

[352] I remember what?

[353] This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

[354] And so I think that when I started, and this was early in your show, I'm just going to show a clip from something else.

[355] And another one that I had been torn.

[356] with was from the movie Baby Geniuses, which I don't know if you've seen Baby Geniuses.

[357] I have not.

[358] Gorley, have you seen Baby Geniuses?

[359] Yeah, I sure have.

[360] Baby Geniuses is another one of those movies that you watch and say, who was this made for?

[361] Like what age?

[362] I don't even know what the target audience is.

[363] Right.

[364] But there's this, you know, they're essentially all babies know the secrets of the universe and can talk to one another before they turn two where they forget it.

[365] and as they start to talk, it goes away.

[366] Which could be true.

[367] It could be true.

[368] We don't know.

[369] Love the idea.

[370] Sure.

[371] Don't love the movie.

[372] But there's a scene where a baby, I want to say they have this super baby in a lab.

[373] I don't know.

[374] And he escapes.

[375] And this team of thugs are trying to track him down.

[376] Trying to get this baby.

[377] And then they cut to.

[378] the baby fighting a group of men and it's clearly a stunt little person no and just beating up these guys and there's also I assume the budget was so low that there was this one maniacal laugh that the kid makes and every time the movie they just use the same laugh and so it's you hear a hundred times.

[379] And what's the laugh like?

[380] It actually sounded more like witchy poo.

[381] Yeah, yeah.

[382] So anyway, so first of all, that's baby geniuses.

[383] You gotta look that up.

[384] I have to see that.

[385] I don't know that.

[386] Yeah, it's worth your time.

[387] So it is.

[388] It is.

[389] So there's Mac and me. You show the Mac and me clip and you commit to that.

[390] And then what's so funny is that fans got into it.

[391] It got around that you do this every time you come on Conan and you don't acknowledge it and it's like Lucy and Charlie Brown and the football, it's just going to happen no matter what I do.

[392] And this played out.

[393] And then some fans more, maybe one or more, put together this mashup where you can watch you wasting my time over a 20 -year period.

[394] I almost think there are some that aren't even in that mash -up.

[395] No, no. I think they didn't get to all of them.

[396] But what's amazing about it is it's this performance art joke that takes place over two decades and means nothing.

[397] Nothing.

[398] That was also what I love, is that there's no point behind it.

[399] No. It's beautiful.

[400] This is the first time we've even addressed it.

[401] I had to address it.

[402] I think, no, of course.

[403] And by the way, this is a safe space.

[404] This is a safe space.

[405] It's a small space and an unimpressive space.

[406] It's a small and unimpressive yet safe space.

[407] No, of course, I figured we would talk about it.

[408] I love that.

[409] I love that.

[410] Yeah, it was just the next time.

[411] But you know what I love it?

[412] that you did it once, I think it was it, was it, this is 40 for Judd Patow.

[413] Yeah.

[414] And I think you were coming on my show and Judd was like, just don't do the Mac and me thing, show the real clip because he just wanted you to promote the movie.

[415] Right.

[416] And you didn't.

[417] You showed.

[418] I showed the clip and there was a, but there was also another time that he came and stopped it.

[419] He stopped it.

[420] He was like the one time I think I actually showed a real clip on your show.

[421] Where Judd was like, stop fucking around, show the real clip.

[422] We've got a movie to promote.

[423] And you were like, look, it's a kid in a wheelchair going down a hill.

[424] I just feel so gross telling anybody to go see this.

[425] Like, here it is.

[426] Here's the real thing.

[427] Right.

[428] Yeah.

[429] And Judd said, you know, dude.

[430] But then, you know, to be fair, I then did more movies with Judd.

[431] And I think he was just whatever you wanted.

[432] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[433] He's a good man. He's clearly got a sense of humor.

[434] He relented.

[435] Yeah.

[436] I understood that there was a power behind Mac and me that even he, with all of his power, couldn't stop.

[437] Well, it is, like you, I enjoy it because it just is so dumb.

[438] Yes.

[439] And it means nothing.

[440] And it just, now, for lack of a better phrase, has legs.

[441] That's terrible.

[442] That's terrible.

[443] That's where, that's the article that's going to be written.

[444] I think the actor is pretending that he's paralyzed.

[445] That's your way out.

[446] It's not really paralyzed.

[447] It's a poor boy.

[448] The boy.

[449] Yeah.

[450] I think maybe.

[451] I spend a...

[452] I can't even go.

[453] I can't even talk about it.

[454] I spend a lot of time and Sony, you will back this up.

[455] I spend more time in my life thinking of what would be the worst thing I could do.

[456] And that's all I do.

[457] All I do when I is think of, you know, if there's a benefit or whatever, what would the worst thing I could do.

[458] And I remembered years ago when my late night show was just starting out, and I was, people were saying, well, who was this guy?

[459] He replaced David Letterman.

[460] He's a punk kid.

[461] He's got no experience.

[462] This show is awful.

[463] He's terrible.

[464] This is a mistake.

[465] I was obsessed with the idea of what would be the worst way for me to try and kickstart my show into fame.

[466] And I had this idea of, it was at the height of Michael Jordan Mania, and the Bulls were playing the Knicks.

[467] going and I someone got me tickets and I was nearby and I remember thinking what if I ran out onto the court what this was me when I was my most hated and untried and people like we just don't like that guy what if I ran out of the court and jumped up ripped off my shirt and it said watch Conan 1230 better than letterman like on a shirt and I jumped up when Michael Jordan was like in a crouch and gone on his shoulders like to try and get a big stunt picture of me on my but of course he's not prepared for he doesn't see me and he falls over and rips his like bicep badly and can never play again and i'm doing a victory dance around a fallen michael jordan wearing a shirt that says Conan o 'brien better than let him watch at 1230 crudely written in pen and michael jordan's writhing in pain at my feet and i'm ignoring his cries to help him up and i was like yeah and i know that's what i was thinking about like i would never have course, do that in a billion years, but I was like, oh, wouldn't people be mad?

[468] That's what I was thinking.

[469] Wouldn't they be mad at me?

[470] I think it is a very common, I think it's a common thing for a comedic mind to immediately go, what's the worst thing that I could do in this situation?

[471] You must find yourself, because you have a similar brain where you're constantly in situations where you're getting lauded, you've had all this success, you know, people are, excited to see you and you probably want to say the worst thing.

[472] You don't do it.

[473] It's like when you're on top of the Empire State Building and you have that second, you're on the observation, you have that second of, you know, I could just lean forward and, but you don't.

[474] It's that weird, scary.

[475] I'm constantly thinking of what's the worst thing I could say or do that would be unforgivable and everyone would ask me to leave the world.

[476] I think it's, um, you do have to pull yourself back.

[477] I haven't always pulled myself back.

[478] Occasionally I have said or done the thing that you can't.

[479] Right.

[480] And it never works out.

[481] You think, well, you know, it's funny because you famously were on, you were on the very last episode of Friends.

[482] And you got to think of this show that as big as it was at the time, it just continues to grow in the popular culture.

[483] worldwide because of streaming and it's this magical happening, the Friends series.

[484] And you were in the very last one.

[485] And I heard that you tried to make a joke at the end of the episode.

[486] It's with, you felt self -conscious about, everyone was so emotional.

[487] The cast was so emotional.

[488] And you're there with them.

[489] Understandably so.

[490] Yeah.

[491] But I felt like, oh, I shouldn't be seeing this.

[492] I shouldn't be here.

[493] So you're seeing, like, Jennifer Annes, you're seeing people crying, hugging.

[494] Crying and, yeah, I mean, it's an, they've spent 10 years with each other.

[495] And, and my God, the ride that they all went on together.

[496] So, yeah, I remember walking over and acting like I was with them the entire time.

[497] And what you're talking about specifically was Jennifer Aniston and Marta Kaufman.

[498] The creator, yeah.

[499] The created, we're hugging each other and crying.

[500] And I just went over and just joined the embrace and said, guys, what a ride.

[501] I mean, can you believe, here we are.

[502] Here we are.

[503] And let me guess.

[504] Let me guess.

[505] How'd that go?

[506] Yeah.

[507] Yeah, they just kind of walked, walked away a little bit.

[508] And they're, yeah.

[509] Yeah, it's so funny.

[510] It's a little bit like being the odd.

[511] I mean, they were incredibly welcoming and nice and I loved them all.

[512] But you do feel a little bit like the odd guy out at the party.

[513] Yes, yes.

[514] But I love how in those moments, I'm always, I like to do, I do these things.

[515] And you think it's almost in a weird way I enjoy it more when I do it and I don't get the laugh or I don't get a huge response.

[516] Right.

[517] It makes it, I was somewhere, I was at some event.

[518] I've never really met him.

[519] I'd never met him.

[520] But Mark Zuckerberg's there who famously dropped out of the same college that I went to and to create Facebook.

[521] And he's at the party.

[522] And someone, I think, at one point, went, oh, Mark, Conan.

[523] And he was like, oh, hello.

[524] And I said, you know, man, if you had finished up at Harvard like I did, you'd be where I am now.

[525] and he looked at me like I was a rusty, broken, shit -covered fire hydrants and moved on, you know?

[526] And he was the correct, I'm not, it wasn't his, I just remembered thinking like, I thought it was funny, I know, but I think he's just like, he's busy and then, oh, there's that guy from TV and I'm like, yeah, if you had finished her, Like, I did, you know, you'd be where I am now.

[527] And he's probably just thinking like, yes, I far prefer where I am, you know, than to where you are.

[528] He didn't get what you were saying.

[529] Yeah, I didn't get the joke.

[530] Or got it and was like, this isn't worth my time.

[531] I saw him defriend me with his eyes.

[532] Oh, God.

[533] I don't know.

[534] I don't know about that joke.

[535] You know, I'm going to back you up.

[536] I like that one.

[537] Okay.

[538] Oh, okay.

[539] Thanks, Matt.

[540] Sorry.

[541] I've over the years found that when I'm interviewing people, I found this, people would ask me, what's your favorite kind of guest?

[542] And they always want to know who's the worst guest you ever talked to.

[543] And I would say, I'm not going to give you a person's name, but there's a type of person that I don't like talking to.

[544] And that is someone who's really young, who hasn't had real life experience.

[545] And so for many years in the 90s and 2000s, I was interviewing people who had started acting when they were 14.

[546] or 12 out here in Los Angeles, got on like Disney shows or they got on shows pretty quickly.

[547] They got work pretty quickly.

[548] And then they were very good looking.

[549] They had won the genetic lotteries.

[550] So they very quickly, they're on these other shows and they're on WB shows and CW shows.

[551] And they'd come on my program and I would say, or I'd ask some stuff, you know, about something in life that had caused them pain that might start an interesting conversation.

[552] And they would launch into stories about like, well, okay, I ordered my Porsche.

[553] And I, you know, I wanted it to be, it was supposed to be, you know, a teal blue.

[554] And this silver piece of shit shows up.

[555] And you can feel the audience completely detached from them.

[556] The audience will never come back.

[557] And I remember thinking, oh, yeah, it's not your fault.

[558] you're a weird creature that's been grown in a greenhouse and I thought that's the kind of I mean I know you had success at a very early age but you seem to arrive fully formed as a person Well I mean I was in my mid -20s before I really did anything but I also didn't come from a showbiz family and yeah I think I remember even as a kid and I would watch Letterman or you know any of any shows And when people, people would show up like that, I, I would recoil.

[559] I mean, it's like, this person has no self -awareness.

[560] Like you said, they were catered to and grown in a lab.

[561] And, you know, it's, you feel, almost feel bad.

[562] But my, I remember kind of, as a kid, I always thought, oh, God, the worst thing the world would be, if I was starting off, and I was the kind of person that Dennis Miller would make a joke about.

[563] Like I would be referenced as like some young actor douche.

[564] Yep.

[565] Who just a reference joke.

[566] Yeah, it's like a reference joke.

[567] And that was like my biggest nightmare.

[568] That never happened though, right?

[569] No, no, not that I know of, but I, um, you kind of grow up as a fan of people, certainly a fan of Letterman.

[570] And we've had that conversation before and, um, and people who seem like they get the joke.

[571] Yep.

[572] And the idea that they might think, I don't get the joke, or that I'm, you know, just some young asshole actor that's just all about pilot season and being well known.

[573] Oh, my God.

[574] Nothing sounds worse.

[575] That's hell.

[576] Yeah.

[577] To be dismissed.

[578] That's why, over the years, I swear I do have a conscience about it.

[579] I hate when I've heard somebody's feelings.

[580] It makes me, I like, if I really think I've hurt someone's feelings, I can't go to sleep.

[581] Same.

[582] It's the worst.

[583] It's the worst.

[584] I think financial losses are worse.

[585] I don't think it's the worst.

[586] I might be, that might be hyperbole.

[587] Yeah.

[588] It's the third worst.

[589] It's like the sixth worst.

[590] Being hungry, having getting the wrong Porsche, when you want the one.

[591] The teal.

[592] Yes, that's the one you want.

[593] That would be the worst.

[594] By the way, that was my story.

[595] I told that story.

[596] I attended it with some other kid But god damn it When they send the wrong Porsche Right people Am I right right in If you were with me on this one Said the out of touch madman You know we had a really interesting conversation You know switching gears a little bit We had an early nice conversation I came into the dressing room When you showed up today And we spent a long time in there Yeah Some thought a little too long Yeah there were people waiting outside the door Yeah but we were very comfortable with each other And two equals two guys at exactly the same level.

[597] Okay.

[598] What's wrong?

[599] I didn't mean to loudly respond to something.

[600] I said two men, similar age, one a little older than the other, but at exactly the same level.

[601] Both six, four.

[602] He's been in Marvel movies.

[603] Yeah, yeah.

[604] I've been two Marvel movies.

[605] Okay, all right, then.

[606] I've seen them.

[607] No, listen, what's to say, how do you know?

[608] You act like I haven't been offered parts in Marvel movies.

[609] How do you know that I've not been offered parts in Marvel movies?

[610] movies.

[611] Well, because I work for you, and if you did have an offer, I would know about it.

[612] It's true.

[613] It would go through you.

[614] Yeah.

[615] The point is this.

[616] Two guys, one's older than the other, slightly, and not quite at the same level as the other, but men that respect each other.

[617] Greatly.

[618] I would, and that makes me feel very good, because I certainly respect you.

[619] Thank you.

[620] and I was pleased that you came in before the show to hang out.

[621] I remember the first time that happened doing your show when Janine Garofalo was also a guest on your show.

[622] And I was hanging out with her before the show started and you came in and were hanging out.

[623] And I had done the show before, and we had exchanged a couple of pleasantries.

[624] But again, and you came in and you came in, and you are so funny.

[625] Oh, that's good.

[626] Bitingly funny.

[627] And ever since then I just thought, ah, when we were doing this thing and I say I feel blank about being Conan O 'Brien's friend, I always thought, oh, I, in my heart of hearts, I would say destined.

[628] Oh, wow.

[629] Because it is true.

[630] We have found each other sometimes at a dinner or something.

[631] and I know we both are pals with Bill Hader.

[632] Yep.

[633] And so the idea that we would actually get to hang out is very cool.

[634] It's cool.

[635] Bill Hader is a good example of someone who I just think of one of my issues is that I have a little bit of an unhealthy assumption that someone may not want to hang out with me. Not that they, and I'm not saying a false modesty, like they desperately don't want to hang out with me, but just that other people are busy and they have things to do.

[636] I get it.

[637] And so, but there are, and I don't have a lot of, I mean, the name of the podcast is, you know, Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[638] And that's sort of just a way in.

[639] But the truth is, I have, I don't know, I would say a pretty good, healthy small selection of good friends over the year.

[640] and then I have all these people I know in show business, but I don't really hang a lot with people because we're all busy.

[641] Well, you have a family, you have a job.

[642] Yeah.

[643] I have found, I don't know if this is the case with you, I think it probably is, as you get older and your world gets bigger in many ways with the show and with all the people you meet, you actually make a bit of an effort to make your actual world smaller.

[644] It just, because, you know, that's just what happens.

[645] And if you have any time at all, you want to be at home, not really doing much of anything.

[646] Right.

[647] Spending time with your kids.

[648] And I have the same thing, too, where I don't assume anyone would want to spend time with me. Yeah.

[649] I don't want to put anybody in a position where, you know, it's like, hey, you want to go have dinner?

[650] I always hear of these dinners people are at.

[651] You know, it's like, oh, there are these dinners going on.

[652] I hear about those dinners, too.

[653] And you know what?

[654] They are happening.

[655] They are happening.

[656] And we're not at them.

[657] We're not at them.

[658] And I don't, I'm not invited, but I also don't, um, try and organize them.

[659] No, this is what I'm going to do.

[660] I'm going to organize a dinner at my house that you're going to be at.

[661] Okay.

[662] And then I'm going to make sure that the other people are people you and I don't really know whose careers aren't going great.

[663] Okay.

[664] Great.

[665] What time?

[666] It'll be in your honor, goarly.

[667] I feel like all roads led to that joke.

[668] Gorley's been sitting there waiting.

[669] Waiting like a panther coils on a mountain pass, waiting to pounce.

[670] That was just gorgeous.

[671] It was beautifully done, Gorley.

[672] Oh, come on.

[673] Someday.

[674] Makes me uncomfortable when you compliment.

[675] No, no. You know what, I am going to learn your first name, Gorley.

[676] Because that was that good.

[677] That was, no, I know what you mean.

[678] There are dinners that occur, and I'm always amazed when there are people who are just naturally good at getting a whole bunch of people together and they know who to call.

[679] They don't make the food themselves, but they know food is brought in, and it's all taken care of.

[680] And I think, yeah, what's it like to go through life as one of those people?

[681] And also seem really comfortable within groups and being able to talk to anybody and keep conversation going and keep the laughs going.

[682] Oh, I can do that, baby.

[683] I got that.

[684] I got that.

[685] Have you found that after so many years of doing this job that you are even better at keeping table conversation going?

[686] Yeah, you know.

[687] It is a muscle memory.

[688] I have been at dead tables at events and I will work it to try and get everybody talking and if I see that another person isn't talking I'll say like well Margaret you know what did you think did you think that aluminum sighting is the way to go and I try and get her involved and I try and get everyone involved the problem is occasionally I'll say we'll take a break we'll be right back it just happens there is a muscle memory that's like I'll get a laugh and I'll think now we get out but there's no way to get out oh yeah Interesting.

[689] And it's improved over the years, I'm sure.

[690] It just tightens up.

[691] It tightens up and I'll get a big laugh.

[692] And I'll say, all right, that's it for now.

[693] We'll take a break.

[694] And people will, you know, it's just sad.

[695] And then the soup comes in.

[696] I think I'll be doing that when I'm in the home as an old man. You know, after some embarrassing procedure.

[697] Well, we got that out of me. We'll take a break.

[698] We'll be right back.

[699] Hey, did you ever learn how to play the banjo?

[700] No. Did you play the guitar?

[701] Barely.

[702] I play like an actor plays, which is I can play enough that I can entertain myself for several hours, but no one would ever want to listen to me play.

[703] Yeah.

[704] So I feel like I know, yeah, I know some chords and I can finger pick a little bit, and banjo I can same, but I've never given it the time that is necessary.

[705] I find that, I know you play, but I find with musical instruments, it's also overwhelming.

[706] You know what this instrument is capable of sounding like.

[707] Yes.

[708] And to put in the work at this age, to get it to sound like that just seems daunting.

[709] So here's my question.

[710] What is it we should put our time into now?

[711] I'm a bit older than you, but I'm, you know, we're in the same approximate section of life.

[712] And I, I think about this sometimes, which is I could pour a lot of energy into getting better at the guitar and get a really serious teacher.

[713] But there's a finite amount of time left.

[714] Is that what I want to do?

[715] Or do I want to try to read more of the great books?

[716] Or do I want to try and learn a language?

[717] Or do I really want to travel and see?

[718] And you get to this point where when you're a kid, you think, oh, I can do anything I want.

[719] And now I think, wait, if I'm going to hire that guitar teacher and he's going to come once or twice a week and really work with me to up my game, that's time that doesn't go into grinding my fist into my son's chest to make him giggle.

[720] You know, like, it's just, that's this thing I do when I come home is I call it the grinder.

[721] I pretend to hug him and then I get in there with my fist and start, and he, I know this one spot that makes him giggle like a maniac.

[722] And then we're rolling on the floor.

[723] And he's now, he's like, he's huge now.

[724] So it's a full -on on fight and furniture's being smashed.

[725] But I've got to do that.

[726] I've got to do that.

[727] And I can't not do that.

[728] That's better than by the way, that's better than learning a language.

[729] That's the best thing there is.

[730] I remember when I was a kid, when I say a kid, I was maybe 18, 19 years old.

[731] I was reading a book of quotes.

[732] This one section of different quotes and there was one quote that Picasso said I was remembered and Picasso said everyone should change careers at 50 and I I thought well easy for Picasso to say fucking Picasso sure but really he knew that when he said it yeah yeah he totally knew but I remember thinking well that seems like a good time in one's life to try something new use that as a as a marker for doing something like that learning a language or a musical instrument or traveling or doing something and for me and this changes I'd like to learn how to barbecue correctly.

[733] That's interesting that you say that because I've thought about this too grilling and I know you're not making a joke no grilling meets well I mean a little bit but not really because I am trying to learn right and having that confidence to take a really expensive good piece of meat and put it on a grill and no, like, Joel McAil is really good at that.

[734] Is he really?

[735] Yes, Joel McAil is really good at, he'll throw a giant steak on, he's marinated it, and then he's talking to you confidently, and then at just the right moment he flips it, and it's still undercooked when he takes it off, but then he knows that it cooks.

[736] Let it sit for three minutes.

[737] Yeah, and then it's fantastic.

[738] It's really good, but he just knows how to do that.

[739] And I think that is a great skill to have, to know how to cook a meat, to cook a meat.

[740] To cook something and also to make a drink for somebody.

[741] I can't do that.

[742] Somebody say like, you know, oh, can I have a pub in my house.

[743] I built an Irish pub in the basement of my house.

[744] That's the first step to a lot of bad news.

[745] You're not kidding.

[746] But people will come down into the pub and they'll, They'll say, oh, can you make me an old fashion?

[747] And I say, nope.

[748] But, uh, I'd like to.

[749] I mean, I don't want to be like a, you know, a Williamsburg mixologist.

[750] Right.

[751] With a curled mustache and making sasperilla with vermouth.

[752] With a little oyster in it.

[753] Yeah.

[754] Dessert and a metal straw in a frosted martini glass.

[755] I don't, you know, I don't need that.

[756] That much.

[757] But I'd like to learn how to bartend.

[758] I never bartended.

[759] No, I never bartended either.

[760] The most I ever did was serve drinks, but they were poured.

[761] They had already been, like, glasses of wine, things that had been made.

[762] Where did you do this?

[763] At the Groundling Theater, they would sometimes have events, and I remember doing it for a couple times here on Melrose where they would, I remember bringing people their drinks, but they were already made.

[764] Right.

[765] And I do the exact same thing.

[766] I have all the stuff one would need to make oneself a mixed drink.

[767] And what I do is I say, they come in and I say, well, would you like something?

[768] Would you like a beer or wine?

[769] And if they do this pause where they're wondering, is there something more exotic in the offering?

[770] Sometimes people do that.

[771] I go, would you want some beer?

[772] You want some wine?

[773] Would you like a cocktail?

[774] And they go, yeah, yeah, a cocktail.

[775] And I go like, and then I can already feel I'm getting panicked and sweating.

[776] And then I'll just say, well, what do you want?

[777] and they're like, well, I don't know, I might do an old Molly's bourbon, you know, catchetory, and I'll just...

[778] I'll have a Pim's cup and an apparel spritz for the lady.

[779] Yeah, and for the lady, Nestor's revenge.

[780] You know, who's Nestor?

[781] Like, I love all these...

[782] Ness, yeah, just a name.

[783] All I know is it has bitters in it.

[784] It has bitters, Ruta Bega, and a little, the rind of a bologna, and it's in there, and then you...

[785] And do you have blood oranges?

[786] Yeah, yeah.

[787] And then just the names, like, I'll have, I'll have Mulgravey's Crutch, if you don't mind.

[788] And she'll have the old Shamelam Snowfall.

[789] And I'm like, what, what?

[790] By the way, I think Mulgravee's Crutch is on a drink menu.

[791] If it isn't, it should be added.

[792] Mold gravy, yeah, it's got single malt in it, for sure.

[793] But what I do is I lead them back there, and what I do is I hold my hands up.

[794] and I just go, you do.

[795] Yeah.

[796] And I go, you, you do.

[797] Glass is in there and then you do.

[798] And then whoever it is is, you know, grabbing bottles and grinding a weird fruit that I didn't know existed.

[799] Maybe this is what we need to do when we're cooking for somebody.

[800] You have all the ingredients to make something amazing.

[801] But instead of really learning how to do it like Joel McHale, just invite them into the kitchen and say, you guys do it.

[802] You guys do it.

[803] Make it.

[804] No, we have all the, maybe you and I throw a part.

[805] party and we say look Paul Rudd, Colonel O 'Brien having a party everybody come on over and then we get really good Kansas City steaks.

[806] We get fresh vegetables.

[807] We get really good sides.

[808] We get we have all the make and we just go do do do it.

[809] Do you do the do it.

[810] Do it.

[811] Do it.

[812] I'm in.

[813] Do it.

[814] But if you do it.

[815] Whoever we'll invite.

[816] Yeah.

[817] Does anyone you guys know how to do this?

[818] There's a thing over there.

[819] How does this light?

[820] Just do it.

[821] Just do it.

[822] I have a friend who's really, really good at grilling, at cooking.

[823] And he taught me a secret, actually, which was he soaks.

[824] He gets those steaks or even a chicken breast or whatever is, and he soaks it for anywhere from one to four days in canola oil.

[825] What?

[826] Completely submerged in canola oil.

[827] By the way, people have already, if they didn't throw their phones away before, they're doing it now.

[828] Now they're feeding them into a shredder.

[829] But this is a nice grilling tip.

[830] You can soak it completely submerged and then you put on a grill afterward and it doesn't dry out.

[831] Because oil has soaked it in.

[832] And it also, if you're grilling it, it burns it off.

[833] If you're smoking it, then you don't even need to towel off the breast if you're smoking it.

[834] That sounds so pornographic.

[835] If you just tuned in and you heard Paul say you don't have to towel off the breast, don't tell off the breast.

[836] Don't tell off the breast.

[837] Yeah, yeah.

[838] Keep those, by the way, keep, you want to keep the breasts oily.

[839] Mm -hmm, yes, yes, got it.

[840] You rub them.

[841] Rub them, you brother, you put a rub, you caress them and then you put a rub on them.

[842] Yes, yes.

[843] and make sure they're oiled and then and then and they'll never dry out you've got some nice nice juicy breasts yeah that's not even an orgasm noise I'm making you do that you do those sounds and I'm going to get really close in mind and I'm going to see so what you want to do is you get like get a packet of breasts and you're going to get But you want a couple of jugs of cano oil.

[844] I mean, any kind of oil, really.

[845] And you just dump oil all over those breasts.

[846] That's going to get oil.

[847] You get the breast, and you let them breathe.

[848] You let those breasts breathe.

[849] And you need them with your hands.

[850] And you let them, and you soak them.

[851] And then you soak them for a good couple of days.

[852] And then you get them out of the fridge, and then you let them sit, let them take in, get those breasts at room temperature.

[853] Then you want to get some kind of rub, some kind of spice, and you want to make sure those breasts are covered.

[854] You're some soup to nuts, neck to nape, and you rub, you rub those spices all over in those friends, and then you put those breasts in a hot grill.

[855] and you smoke them off smoke those breasts smoke them you get them out you bite into those babies those babies are just they melt in your mouth they melt your goddamn mouth chom chom so that's what I want to do when I turn the 50 we're going to sell this to NPR we're going to get this on NPR.

[856] We're going to get this on NPR.

[857] That was Terry gross Well, this was delightful This was really delightful You are a silly, foolish man A lovely man Oh, thank you, I've enjoyed it I would, this is as, and you know what, this was as fun and silly and relaxing And enjoyable as I thought it would be Was there a middle section where it dragged?

[858] There always is.

[859] In all things, in the cycle of life, this is lovely.

[860] This was very nice.

[861] What do you say, Sona?

[862] I loved it.

[863] What?

[864] Did you like the dirty part at the end?

[865] You'd get creeped out a little bit.

[866] I could have done without it.

[867] You know, like it gets too creepy for you, doesn't it?

[868] Yeah, it's your sounds.

[869] You were, yeah, Paul was fun.

[870] Well, I think you're saying that on the, you're, but it did go on.

[871] It went on for a long time.

[872] Yeah, but you know what?

[873] That's one of those things where people are going to be like, you know what I wish?

[874] Longer.

[875] Mm -hmm.

[876] Yeah.

[877] That's what they're going to say.

[878] Yeah, because that's the great thing also about.

[879] that rewind button 15 seconds back 30 seconds yeah like people will enjoy people should loop that yeah that'll be a that'll be a ringtone put that in a loop and then have that playing in your house in the background yeah well someone's a ringtone someone's at the opera and their phone goes up you're gonna want to rub them my son's calling all right Paul Rudd God bless you thank you and let's meet up at that very special spot at JFK Airport sometime I'll bring my banjo.

[880] Nice.

[881] It's time to hear the voice of the people, listen to some voicemails.

[882] I think it's called in Latin the Vox Populi.

[883] That's right, I think.

[884] I only know that because I think that was the name of a public access show in Boston.

[885] They would say, now it's time for Vox Populi.

[886] And I was like, what the hell is that?

[887] And then my brother Luke, who's the smart one, would say, it means voice of the people.

[888] Maybe that's what we should call this segment from now on.

[889] I like that.

[890] Vox Populi?

[891] Yeah.

[892] Sure, that'll alienate a lot of people.

[893] Not the Latin speakers.

[894] Yeah.

[895] All right.

[896] Today is Halloween as we record this, even though this episode will be out after the fact.

[897] But still, this is a nice spooky voicemail number three.

[898] Will?

[899] Hi, Conan.

[900] This is Nikki from Jacksonville, Florida.

[901] I have to drive over a really scary bridge every morning to work and back.

[902] And listening to your podcast helps me through it.

[903] What's something that scares you and what do you do to help yourself?

[904] Love you, Sona.

[905] Wish you were my friend.

[906] Thank you so much.

[907] Oh, that's so nice.

[908] Nikki, I am your friend.

[909] I think she was talking to me. Yeah, I think she was talking to me. Oh, that's so embarrassing.

[910] It was.

[911] I thought she said Conan.

[912] No, she said, love you, son, I wish you were my friend.

[913] And Nikki, I am your friend.

[914] That is really sad for you.

[915] That is, that really, this is, that was a rough one.

[916] You know what scares me, making myself vulnerable.

[917] Yeah.

[918] in an emotional moment and getting slammed.

[919] That was it.

[920] It happened right there.

[921] That's so weird that that was, that's one of my biggest fears.

[922] Sorry.

[923] I really did think she was saying, I want you to be my friend Conan.

[924] She was talking to me. Yeah, she was talking to me. Yeah, I have the transcript.

[925] Yeah, we all heard it.

[926] Definitely Sona.

[927] She said me. And it just makes more sense.

[928] And I'm so sorry.

[929] I know that you were just saying you don't like being vulnerable, but I really enjoyed what just happened.

[930] Yeah, I did too.

[931] That was really fun for me to watch.

[932] Yeah.

[933] I liked it.

[934] And yes, Nikki, I will be your friend.

[935] Nikki, I think that's a very dangerous bridge.

[936] And I'm worried about its structural cohesion.

[937] You're punishing her.

[938] Yeah, I'm going to go after.

[939] Because I misheard what Nikki said, I'm going after Nikki now.

[940] No. Nikki?

[941] The infrastructure in this country is crumbling.

[942] Many bridges have not been properly cared for.

[943] And you are right to be afraid.

[944] And every time you hear my voice, you should think about that bridge.

[945] Oh, my God.

[946] And how badly maintained it is.

[947] Don't punish her.

[948] Maybe she was saying.

[949] No, no. I know what happened here.

[950] I'm actually going to research this bridge.

[951] We've got to find out which bridge it is.

[952] She sounds really nice.

[953] Jacksonville, Florida.

[954] Oh, man, they make a bad bridge.

[955] Man, that is bad bridge central.

[956] Well, anyway, Nikki, I'm sorry I misheard you, and that is not on you.

[957] That's on me, so I will accept that.

[958] And I'm sure it's a safe bridge.

[959] I mean, I'm not sure.

[960] As I said, 50 % of our bridges, but you're probably on one of the good ones.

[961] So what scares me?

[962] Yeah.

[963] I don't know.

[964] I mean, after that, I'm just humiliated.

[965] Sounds like we found it.

[966] I think you did find it.

[967] Yeah, wow.

[968] No, I feel very safe in this zone, which is why what just happened was so fascinating because I misheard and it was no Sona that was getting the cake and not me. I was being denied the birthday cake.

[969] I don't know.

[970] Maybe, I mean, you know, I don't know.

[971] I don't know how to spin it to make you feel better because she was asking me to be your friend.

[972] You keep doing this thing that you're really good at, Sona, which is pretending to console me, but then stopping and pondering and saying, yeah, no, you're right, you're right.

[973] And then what you do is you look like you're reaching over to clean the wound, but then you pause and you drop dirty gravel into it that squirrels have pooped on and you grind it into the wound.

[974] It's a great sona trick.

[975] She does it all the time.

[976] I do do that.

[977] Oh, Conan, you shouldn't feel bad.

[978] Really?

[979] No, you probably just weren't mentioned among the list of great talk show host.

[980] Well, it's bad that you're not in there.

[981] It's really bad.

[982] It's really bad.

[983] It's really bad, and I guess, I don't know, probably just, yeah, you've stuck around too long.

[984] That's probably what happened.

[985] Anyway, I got to go early because Tack and I, we are going to go to this clog dancing thing at the Armenian cultural village.

[986] What?

[987] What did you just do?

[988] Is there Armenian clog dancing?

[989] No, there is not.

[990] Yes, there's something like that.

[991] You simultaneously just made me look like an asshole and you just completely insulted my culture.

[992] I did not insult your culture.

[993] At the same time.

[994] You did both at the same time.

[995] Are you not heavily involved in Armenian clod dancing?

[996] I am.

[997] No, I'm not.

[998] So you almost made me sit.

[999] There is no Armenian clog dancing.

[1000] Wait a minute.

[1001] I've never seen anyone couple victimhood with racism so elegant way before.

[1002] That was unbelievable.

[1003] I know.

[1004] I'm certain there's some kind of cloud dancing in your culture.

[1005] I am certain you are wrong.

[1006] Who would know more about Armenia, Sona, you or I?

[1007] I would.

[1008] That's true.

[1009] That's true.

[1010] I would.

[1011] That's true.

[1012] I would.

[1013] My husband's from there.

[1014] So, yeah, I would.

[1015] And you come from a heavily clog dancing culture.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] No, we don't wear clogs.

[1018] Yeah, there's Irish clogs, aren't there?

[1019] Irish clog dancing?

[1020] No, no, that's just the heavy sound our feet make when we've been drinking.

[1021] You're confusing us with just us stomping around on the second floor, going, Arr, Irish, too.

[1022] You're like probably like one ninth Irish and then Dutch, and there's definitely Germanic qualities in there.

[1023] Self -satisfied.

[1024] But I could do your 23 and me without even seeing a genetic sample.

[1025] Oh, boy, I just stepped into it.

[1026] Are you a lot of stuff?

[1027] I'm all, like, mostly British Isles.

[1028] Ireland, Scottish, yes.

[1029] Yes, you have a sort of imperial colonial air about you.

[1030] And the way you treat me, even though you're the producer, you're always looking at me with disdain, like, oh, we'll colonize that island.

[1031] We'll take that island's potatoes.

[1032] They'll do as we're told.

[1033] That's always the way you look at me. Really?

[1034] You think so?

[1035] Yes.

[1036] Like when you edit this podcast, that's your way of taking my potatoes.

[1037] I edit this dressed as a beef eater.

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] You're always wearing one of those tall hats when you edit it.

[1040] And you're like, I'll show that dirty Irish dog.

[1041] I'll edit him, i .e. eat his potatoes.

[1042] My Irish ancestry is Northern Irish.

[1043] So like the Union loyalists and all that crap.

[1044] Yep.

[1045] Yeah.

[1046] Well, we've alienated a lot of people in this podcast.

[1047] Fox Populi?

[1048] Including me, I'm a little confused.

[1049] You are not.

[1050] You're not confused.

[1051] You're fine.

[1052] Okay, if you say so.

[1053] Please.

[1054] We really do got to bring a therapist in here one day and hash all this out.

[1055] Do you think a therapist would last eight seconds with us?

[1056] With you.

[1057] I think we'd be fine with it.

[1058] I think you'd run them from the room.

[1059] No, I would not.

[1060] I engage in therapy all the time.

[1061] I mean, it's a mirror I talk to.

[1062] Oh.

[1063] But my therapist really loves me and says, I'm doing a great job.

[1064] Oh, gee.

[1065] Do you pay your own self?

[1066] I put a little tip jar at the bottom, and I put money in, but then I always take it out at the end of the day so I can buy funions at the 7 -Eleven.

[1067] What?

[1068] Oh, let's get out of here.

[1069] It's Halloween.

[1070] We got trick -or -treating to do.

[1071] Yep, we sure do.

[1072] You got to get that Uncle Sam costume on.

[1073] Yeah.

[1074] Okay, good work.

[1075] Well, edit away on this segment, and there's some really good stuff in there.

[1076] And then of course, there's pieces of corn.

[1077] I mean, it's the turd.

[1078] Well, there's something to add it out right there.

[1079] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1080] With Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1081] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1082] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1083] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1084] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1085] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1086] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1087] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1088] Got a question for Conan?

[1089] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1090] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1091] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1092] A team Coco production in association with Earwolf.