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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVeyne, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Ready?
[17] Ready, go.
[18] Go.
[19] Go.
[20] Welcome to my favorite murder.
[21] the mini episode we're now calling it the mini episode the miniature episode we're afraid you won't understand what this is so we're calling it the miniature episode it's not a mini app we're not fucking millennials no we're not millennials we have plenty of time to say both words entirely yeah it's great actually we feel we feel very blessed that we have this amount of time we're hashtag blessed that this is the miniature episode fucking emoji hands smashed together in prayer formation Yes, a little baby angel A tiny baby angel And then of course that crazy clown face Yeah, there you know there's a zombie now too Oh yeah, yeah I've updated my thing The zombie I like Well you know my standard emoji Is this the Easter Island head smoking a cigarette That's my favorite one to send people I think it's I think it's very me I have a big huge Easter Island head You are your persona is a smoking Easter Ireland head.
[22] It's a Kathy Ireland head smoking.
[23] This is where we read your shit to you.
[24] You love it.
[25] We do it.
[26] Let's do this.
[27] Let's do our miniature episode.
[28] Okay.
[29] The subject line of this first email is How My Sister Stayed Sexy and didn't get murdered by the Hillside Stranglers.
[30] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and Pets.
[31] I look forward to each new episode, but the story of the Hillside Strangler, hit especially close to home literally in 1977 our family lived one block away from the 10th victim Lauren Wagner on Lomona Avenue in the San Fernando Valley not only was this where she lived but also where she was abducted a few doors down from her house as you mentioned a neighbor witnessed it and sadly did nothing to intervene or alert authorities even though I was only a baby at the time my sister was 16 and went to Monroe High School with Lauren both were babes with red hair and live down the street from one another.
[32] A few days prior to Lauren's abduction, my hot 70's sister in her VW bug was headed to the stop and go mini -mart a few blocks from our house when two guys in what tried to pass for an undercover police car with a makeshift siren on the top started tailing her and even watched her in the parking lot as she went inside the store.
[33] Holy shit.
[34] What they didn't see was her boyfriend in the passenger seat reclined and reclined back.
[35] And once she pulled out of the lot, the siren went off and they aggressively tried to pull her over.
[36] Her boyfriend, Dan, took one look at the car and said, do not pull over.
[37] Those are fake cops.
[38] Holy shit.
[39] Once they realized a guy was in the car, they took off.
[40] And it makes me sick to think what could have happened if he had not been there.
[41] Sadly, days later, Lauren was not so lucky after reading that one of them had a redhead fetish.
[42] I wonder if they thought they had spotted my sister again, but only this time alone.
[43] We will never know, and although Lawrence family understandably moved out of the neighborhood shortly after the murder, I could never shake the sadness I felt for them every time I walked by their former house.
[44] And the eerie feeling of the horror that took place only a block away while my family was probably eating dinner or safely watching some show like soap or Maude or Carol Burnett.
[45] I'm so grateful my sister fucked politeness, put her foot on the gas pedal, and is here today to tell the story.
[46] Thank you ladies for keeping the memories of these victims alive and being the best car companions I could ever ask for because of you are no longer mine traffic and I make sure to keep a full gas tank with doors locked so I can stay sexy and not get murdered lastly Karen my husband Rob worked with you on late world with Zach and says hello oh I know Rob I know Rob I just saw him recently at the Astro and also thanks you for making his long commute an enjoyable experience Shana.
[47] Thanks, Shana.
[48] I don't want to read any now.
[49] That one's it.
[50] Let's just do one from now on.
[51] I mean, that's intense, too, because that puts her, like, she's at the center of that entire story we just told.
[52] Yeah.
[53] And her family is, and like, that is really sad.
[54] Like, a neighborhood tragedy like that.
[55] And it could have been her sister.
[56] I mean, yeah.
[57] That's, I mean, and that's also how, um, Stephen, you, you know, you told us us, like, there's a bunch of emails of people saying, here's this connection that we have to the hillside stranglers because they were out doing it for like a year straight it's so bananas it's so crazy that they had a redhead fetish one of them did what a weird little detail that you just don't think about yeah oh yep what assholes I keep meaning to look at the crime suit and photos but I keep forgetting oh but maybe just forget maybe I will maybe maybe should I'll do it late tonight I've been set of town oh good idea it's all really late tonight when I'm in bed open up some windows open up some wide windows.
[58] And just really just really roll those dice.
[59] Crime scene photos.
[60] Study them.
[61] Okay, this one's called serial rapist caught by housewife.
[62] And I want you to tell me if you think that this is not real.
[63] Okay.
[64] Because I, we're getting some that we're like wondering.
[65] Okay, here we go.
[66] I can't believe I didn't think to send this story to you before, but it's fucking amazing.
[67] That already sounds fake, right?
[68] Dear Diary, I never thought I'd be writing this the dear pet house for them exactly i never thought i'd be writing this letter um we spend every christmas with my grandparents and my favorite part of the holiday is sitting around listening to my granny's crazy stories my grandfather used to be a professional hockey player and for this reason my family moved all around the united states in canada during my dad's childhood so there's no shortage of crazy shit anyways every year it's a new story about the time she or someone she knew nearly escaped death so here's one of my favorites my family was living in New York at the time, and all of the hockey players and their families were living on the same street.
[69] One of the wives was pregnant and had thrown a baby shower, which my granny and many other women attended.
[70] After everyone had left, the woman hosting the shower heard a knock at the door.
[71] She went to answer it, assuming that it was one of the ladies who had maybe forgotten something at the house.
[72] Instead, she opened the door and came face to face with a man who immediately lunged at her and put a knife to her throat.
[73] He shut the door behind them and started walking and sort of backing her down the hallway to the bedroom.
[74] He told her he was going to rape her and she begged him to stop.
[75] As they were walking down the hallway, they passed the living room.
[76] On the mantle was a giant glossy headshot of her husband, something that had been given to all of the wives as a gift.
[77] The man immediately stopped in his tracks and asked her why she had that photo on her mantle.
[78] She told the man that it was a picture of her husband.
[79] To her surprise, the man immediately dropped the knife to his side and started apologizing profusely.
[80] He told her he, he was just the the biggest fan of her husband and asked if she would please not tell him what had just happened.
[81] She stood there completely shocked as he fled the scene.
[82] She called 911 and police came to the home and notified her that there had been a string of rapes in the area.
[83] The man seemed to fit the same description.
[84] A few days later, the woman opened her mailbox and found a letter from the rapist again apologizing for trying to rape her.
[85] She gave it to the police and helped them come up with a plan.
[86] And, okay.
[87] The woman's husband had a birthday coming up.
[88] and so the police asked the team to throw a quote fan party in his honor knowing that this man was most likely local and a fan of the hockey player they printed off a large photo and encouraged fans to sign it with well wishes for the player the police had his wife come to the party to identify the rapist she pointed him out as soon as she walked in but the police waited for him to sign the poster so they could match the handwriting to the letter he had left in the mailbox turns out it was a perfect match and they arrested him on the spot this is such bullshit right no it because this is provable if that was a public event you could look it up okay this is just one of the many stories my grannies told me in addition to the time the man called her and told her he was going to murder her and the time my grandpa and a bunch of his teammates caught and had dinner with a peeping tom as they were waiting for the police to arrive but that's a story for another time sSDGM love you all emma i'm sorry i'm telling you your grandma made this up but i know it well because it's so extreme but you know what it's exactly like in the hillside stranglers when they pull over peter Lori's daughter and let her go.
[89] That's true.
[90] It's exactly the same thing.
[91] That's true.
[92] So that part does, that's why I think it's real.
[93] And then also, that's a proof.
[94] If we went and looked it up, we'd be able to find it because that's like the actual public police action.
[95] You're right.
[96] And I just, I'm so skeptical.
[97] No, no, I get it.
[98] I mean, look.
[99] Listen.
[100] Now, you tell me if this is real.
[101] Okay.
[102] Is any, I mean, the truth is, is anything real.
[103] It's a real question.
[104] It's the kind, it's the world we live in right now.
[105] Yeah.
[106] This is, this is kind of good for that.
[107] This subject is insane jury duty coincidence oh i love coincidences okay i love instant send us your insane coincidences that's our next call to action um some would say there's no such thing as a coincidence that wouldn't be me spiritual hi karen georgia stephen and assorted creatures i don't mind it this story doesn't have much to uh much to it but it was so crazy when it happened that i wanted to share so here we go last summer i was summoned for jury duty i uh did I had already postponed once when I was in college, so of course I got a low number and was called in.
[108] When I went in, everyone was divided into groups and sent to different courtrooms.
[109] In my courtroom, the prosecutors were going to select the remainder of the jury for a murder case.
[110] We were all seated, and as the judge explained the details of the case, including the victim's name, the woman seated next to me became visibly upset.
[111] When the judge asked if anyone would be unable to serve for medical reasons or whatever, the woman next to me raised her hand.
[112] When the bailiff gave her the mic, she stood up and said, I am emotionally unable to serve in this case.
[113] The victim was my nephew.
[114] There was an audible gasp in the room, and even the judge and lawyers were clearly shocked.
[115] The judge obviously let her leave for the day.
[116] For the day.
[117] No one could believe this coincidence both for her to come on this day.
[118] and to be randomly sent into this courtroom.
[119] Thanks for listening to my short but crazy story.
[120] Hope you stop by Buffalo, New York soon.
[121] SSDGM, Katie.
[122] Wouldn't she know that he was going to trial, though?
[123] I'm going to fucking call out every man on this episode.
[124] Look at her.
[125] She's looking for the truth.
[126] This is my episode of me just fucking nay saying.
[127] No, no, because that's all random.
[128] They just, they put you, it's all random numbers and names and stuff like that.
[129] Okay.
[130] And also, it's jury selection.
[131] it wasn't the court case.
[132] That's true.
[133] Okay, here we go.
[134] That's awful, by the way.
[135] It is awful.
[136] This one's called Vampire Murder and Bad First Dates.
[137] Hi, everyone.
[138] Oh.
[139] So I grew up in New Orleans, and as you know, it's a city with a lot of weird murders.
[140] When I was in high school, there was a well -publicized murder of a tourist at a local hotel.
[141] Story was that he was out at a goth bar in the French quarter when he was picked up by a few locals, two men and two women, who self -identified as vampicized.
[142] vampires.
[143] They all, I don't think you can do that.
[144] They all went back to his hotel room where they drank champagne in his jacuzzi bathtub.
[145] That sounds.
[146] That's so weird.
[147] Weird.
[148] It smells like bleach already.
[149] Until this poor tourist got bludgeoned to death.
[150] I wonder if we stayed in this fucking hotel and I've taken a bath in there.
[151] Sorry, excuse me, until this poor tourist got bludgeoned to death.
[152] They may or may not have then drunk some of his blood.
[153] The culprits were, culprits were easily caught after being captured on the hotel lobby's video surveillance.
[154] Fast forward to a decade later, when I start trying out online dating, my very first in -person meeting is with a young man who seems really good on paper.
[155] At one point in our date, he starts talking about his most recent ex -girlfriend, who ends up being one of the women involved in the murder.
[156] Whoa.
[157] He was totally aware that she was involved and convicted in this weird -ass murder when the two of them met and then proceeded to have a years -long relationship.
[158] He even named dropped that she was one of the people from the quote hotel vampire murder when he was describing her and he talked about the difficulty of dating someone on parole bringing up his murderer ex -girlfriend on the first day was only one of them was only one of the many enormous red flags present that evening luckily i kept up online dating anyway and met my husband on the same site about a year later SSDGM, Jessica.
[159] Wow.
[160] That's insane.
[161] I mean, would your blood just totally run cold if someone was just like, yeah?
[162] Literally, if someone was like, I drink blood.
[163] You're like, oh, mine tastes terrible.
[164] I've been told I have terrible tasting blood.
[165] Mine's contaminated with all kinds of parasites.
[166] That's true.
[167] I have pinworms.
[168] So you're probably not going to want to drink my blood.
[169] Can you imagine dating a fucking.
[170] A vampire?
[171] Any of it?
[172] No, it's too extreme.
[173] Someone from New Orleans?
[174] I mean, Goths themselves, that's a lot to take.
[175] You know what I mean?
[176] Where it's just like, can we please go to the park?
[177] Yeah.
[178] Can we please go outside?
[179] Yeah.
[180] Could you please lighten up?
[181] Ziggy.
[182] Hey, this is exciting.
[183] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[184] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcast.
[185] castor detectives.
[186] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[187] Who killed Saz?
[188] And were they really after Charles?
[189] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[190] This season murder hits close to home.
[191] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[192] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[193] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[194] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[195] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy.
[196] Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[197] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[198] Goodbye.
[199] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[200] Absolutely.
[201] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[202] Exactly.
[203] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[204] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[205] That's right.
[206] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere.
[207] online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[208] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[209] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[210] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[211] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[212] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[213] Connect with customers inline and online.
[214] Do retail right with Shopify.
[215] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[216] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[217] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[218] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[219] Goodbye.
[220] Are you ready for this?
[221] Do one more for me. To bleach or not to bleach, the bonker story of high school theater kids trying to murder each other.
[222] Oh, no. Hello.
[223] I love it already.
[224] Hi, Karen and Georgia.
[225] When I was in eighth grade, my entire mid -sides.
[226] Texas town lost their minds when an 18 year old girl got caught trying to poison a 15 year old girl at what would be my high school in two years both girls were in the theater program at school and not trying to brag but our high school's theater program was the kind of the shit they always won tons of awards which I guess isn't that impressive because this is suburbia in central Texas and culture is scant at best wow searing and just I may or may not have cried at their production of One Flo Over the Cookiness when I was a junior.
[227] Anyway, the senior girl apparently did not appreciate that a sophomore beat her out for the lead in a one -act play the program was competing with because she spiked a mountain dew with fucking bleach and then gave it to the sweet baby 15 -year -old Angel to drink.
[228] Luckily, the girl smelled something bleachy in her do said fuck politeness.
[229] I went to the principal who called the cops after that i guess the poisoner took off because there was a warrant out for her arrest for a week until she eventually turned herself in good riddance on a lighter note four students in typical teenage boy fashion made up a rap about it later and posted it to youtube oh no which of course everyone in high school went nuts over administration actually ended up banning it from the school because people wouldn't stop singing it holy shit oh my god high school school so dramatic.
[230] It's so, that is, that is the perfect high school cycle of drama.
[231] That's exactly what happens.
[232] Someone tries to poison someone.
[233] A girl tries to poison a girl.
[234] Because she's mad at her for doing something better than her.
[235] Yeah.
[236] And then boys come in and wrap.
[237] And make a wrap.
[238] But luckily we were in a time, we grew up in a time where you couldn't put it on the internet.
[239] Because it was fucking God.
[240] The shit that, oh, thank God.
[241] Dude, I had to hear that first Beastie Boys album like every day of my life.
[242] I am one of the rare few.
[243] I am not a Beastie Boys fan.
[244] I appreciate that what they did and their talent, this and that.
[245] But A, I had to, et cetera, et cetera, I had to listen to them every time, like, on the baseball bus, like, every, every event.
[246] Those motherfuckers were playing that fucking Beastie Boys album.
[247] And then B, I'm still mad that they won best rap group over the Fugis.
[248] It was a ludicrous year that year.
[249] It was a rough time for Karen Kilgagascar.
[250] Fuck, man. Those, like, I guess that was late 80s, MTV music awards.
[251] I don't know.
[252] Early 90s?
[253] I think so.
[254] Yeah, Fujis is early 90s, right?
[255] Important stuff.
[256] DJ Steven?
[257] He's just writing it down.
[258] Wait, there's more to this.
[259] I really came out strong against the Beastie Boys there.
[260] I don't like them.
[261] This might be the end of this podcast.
[262] I mean.
[263] I'm so sorry.
[264] I guess a student trying to murder another student with a bleach cocktail on school grounds under your watch is not a good look I can't find it on YouTube anymore but suffice it to say it's exactly as obnoxious as you think a rap featuring four white middle class teenage dudes would be Oh my God Love the show, been listening since episode three And Love You Ladies Wow, episode three Wow, what's wrong with one and two?
[265] Say sexy and always sniff your mountain dude Tara or Tara, but I think it's Tara.
[266] That's just like so, that's such a fucking high school person to do to put the smelliest fucking chemical of all.
[267] Like, I'm not trying to give anyone ideas, but like use some Windex or something.
[268] Well, then that's going to turn it blue.
[269] Yeah, but it's in yellow.
[270] Oh, that's true.
[271] That's true.
[272] If it's a bottle.
[273] Listen, if anyone walks up to you and is like, here you go, Karen, here's a can of soda I got you that's open already.
[274] You fucking smash the can on their head.
[275] You slap it out of their hand, you point your finger in their face, and you say, don't approach me again.
[276] Georgia.
[277] Georgia, you step off.
[278] It's just me getting you a Diet Coke.
[279] Karen, it's lost her mind.
[280] What if I'm like, Karen, that was literally a Diet Coke, but I understand where you're coming from.
[281] You asked me for this Diet Coke.
[282] What are you doing?
[283] You saw me open it across the room.
[284] Slap it out of your hand.
[285] But I understand your vulnerabilities.
[286] I have to say this, in my drinking days.
[287] one of my favorite jokes, quote unquote jokes.
[288] Oh, no, you did not.
[289] At parties, yes, is, you know, in the back then, it was me in comedy days.
[290] Of course, we've talked about it.
[291] If I was sassing up somebody and we were sassing back and forth to each other and they seemed to be winning in some way, I would just slap whatever's in their hand out of their hand, whether it be a plate of food or a full drink or whatever it was, I would let them have like what they thought was going to be the last word.
[292] Why, Princess Diana.
[293] Drink, slap up.
[294] Ruin your shirt.
[295] Wipe all the makeup off your face with your fucking, sling a boar sling.
[296] Fucking submarine sandwich upside down on the fucking floor.
[297] Bag of chips all the way down on the ground, scattered it a million pieces.
[298] I mean, there's just not a better comeback than slapping something out of someone's hand.
[299] It's the best.
[300] I mean, you have to be ready for then the fight that's going to happen afterwards.
[301] Either they're your friend and they love it.
[302] Or you've now made an enemy for life.
[303] Sure.
[304] It depends on a lot of factors of how drunk they are.
[305] Yeah.
[306] If they think you're clever and funny.
[307] Right.
[308] If they agree with you.
[309] If they're a shame -based person, they might...
[310] It's embarrassing to them.
[311] If you shame them, you could turn it into something bad.
[312] So you pick and choose.
[313] And whose carpet is it?
[314] I always did it on a patio.
[315] Okay, great.
[316] Yeah, you have to do it outside.
[317] Okay, great.
[318] A third party, an innocent hosts.
[319] Yeah, yeah.
[320] You can't wreck anybody's carpeting.
[321] Like, don't be a jerk.
[322] No, don't be a dick.
[323] Be an asshole.
[324] whole.
[325] Yeah.
[326] And make it, make sure it's cheap beer, probably, not a wine glass, I assume.
[327] Yeah, exactly.
[328] You want, this is a joke for plastic cups, bags of chips, a funny old paper plate with a dumb hot dog on it.
[329] Just stuff like that work.
[330] And also, a really quick reminder, do not break eye contact as you slap it out of their hand.
[331] You smile, you look at them and smile like you won and then slap it so they don't really see it coming.
[332] Can I ask you a favor?
[333] Sure.
[334] Can I do this to you one time but like I swear it's going to be perfect a thousand percent only if it's like the perfect moment but just don't shame me it can't be at my big my big party I won't I won't do it it can't be as I'm coming down the stairs for my big party I won't I promise yeah you can do I love shit like that I love it when something is like a contained fun person to person prank yeah you just you have to know the person and you have to know I think I would laugh my fucking ass out it's hilarious because all you lost was a hot dog yeah And an argument.
[335] And you're fucking a little bit of your dignity in the best way.
[336] It's the same.
[337] It was also when I was on speed.
[338] My favorite thing to do would be if I was talking on the phone, I talked on the phone constantly, pre -internet.
[339] Sure.
[340] And oftentimes I would call everybody and be like, tonight we're all going to meet for dinner at Toy and then we're going to go to the show at Bloody Blah, whatever.
[341] I was always that phone tree person.
[342] Love it.
[343] And if someone started talking to me and I got bored, I would just hang out.
[344] Just fucking, no, I can't entertain.
[345] this have other calls to make i'm done yeah and so you are too yeah if somebody was like hey so did you have fun at that part it just be like click and make the next call let's just hang up this podcast on people oh right now stay sexy don't get murdered bye elvis you want a cookie good boy