Pete Holmes

[0] Hi, my name is Pete Holmes.

[1] And I feel frustrated, but honored to be Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Yay!

[3] Finger bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[6] Hey there.

[7] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[8] It's pretty simple.

[9] This is the show where I. Conan O 'Brien, talk to people in the business, celebrities I've interviewed over the years, and try and find out, is it possible we could be real friends, not just fake show biz pals.

[10] Now, I'm aided in my quest by my assistant for now.

[11] Sona Mobscessian.

[12] Hello?

[13] Come on, Sony, you know you're with me for the long haul.

[14] Yeah, but it's hard to really believe that when you constantly keep talking about how my time's limited.

[15] You say that often.

[16] I like to dangle that because I think that will inspire you to Greater Heights.

[17] Do you think it's working?

[18] No, it is not.

[19] No, I don't think so either.

[20] I also want to give a shout out to my producer.

[21] Matt, Gourley, Matt, how are you?

[22] I'm good, and I think because you don't threaten my job, it makes me actually worried that maybe it is a short tenure here.

[23] Yeah, your replacement is standing behind you.

[24] Oh, his name is Philip.

[25] Hi, Philip.

[26] I call you goarly a lot.

[27] I don't know why.

[28] You might not like that.

[29] Oh, I like it just fine.

[30] Is it okay?

[31] I mean, call you Matt, I have so many mats in my life, but I only have one goarly.

[32] I'm your one goarly.

[33] I don't like Matt anyway.

[34] All right, Gorley.

[35] Thanks for being here.

[36] You do a great job.

[37] Well, that's nice.

[38] I'm not sure that's true, but...

[39] No, it's true.

[40] Okay.

[41] I do think this podcast is doing very well.

[42] You're probably a big part of that.

[43] No. This is all you guys.

[44] I'm just putting it through filters and shit.

[45] I don't think that's true.

[46] Gourley is the Magic Spice.

[47] He's the secret...

[48] He's the Colonel's secret recipe.

[49] We're all holding hands right now.

[50] No, no, we're not.

[51] That would violate...

[52] I'm holding somebody's hand right.

[53] I know, you're just holding a severed hand.

[54] Oh, my God.

[55] Today I'm talking to someone I have a lot of admiration for.

[56] Pete Holmes.

[57] What I'm liking about this so far, and you've been doing this a long time, is that it's completely the way you and I would talk.

[58] Yes.

[59] Without any interference.

[60] Right.

[61] Without, and the show, do you feel like when you do the show that there's levels of interference, or do you think that's getting close?

[62] The current show?

[63] Yeah, because you're quite relaxed on the show.

[64] Well, I really appreciate it.

[65] It's one of the great thrills of my life that I've done your show enough times to be relaxed.

[66] Certainly the first time I was, you know.

[67] Jimmy and my Bridges.

[68] Yeah.

[69] Trying to get some new phrase.

[70] New phrase is going.

[71] Jimmy and my Bridges.

[72] Well, there was a kid in my neighborhood, Jimmy said.

[73] Well, how do we know that?

[74] This is the type of narcissism.

[75] I make jokes that don't know.

[76] I know you don't know.

[77] How could you do that?

[78] You just said, I'm Jimmy and my Bridgesies.

[79] And I was like, well, I feel stupid because that's clearly a classical reference to a Shakespearean drama.

[80] And then it turns out, no, Jimmy from my neighborhood.

[81] How could you not know that?

[82] It's all baloney.

[83] It was just fun words.

[84] My mom will do that, though.

[85] A waiter will come.

[86] Like, you and I will be talking about the bread.

[87] And we'll be like, eh, this bread's pretty old.

[88] And then the waiter will come, who wasn't privy to that, and she'll be like, let's say we said the bread was dry.

[89] And then she's like, the waiter will say to my mom, you want some water?

[90] And she'll be like, what am I, the bread?

[91] to him.

[92] You know what I mean?

[93] I'm always like, Mom, he doesn't have the info.

[94] You're just a crazy person.

[95] He's like, what am I, Brett?

[96] What?

[97] Yeah.

[98] And then?

[99] He calls an EMT and says there's someone A woman's having a stroke.

[100] A stroke does, no, let's not do stroke bits.

[101] Too many people having strokes.

[102] Really?

[103] Right?

[104] I don't know.

[105] I'm going to keep doing them until I have one.

[106] No, it is a funny go -to, but I was going to say that a stroke kind of sound, like it's a stroke.

[107] You stroke a cat.

[108] It's kind of nice.

[109] Yeah.

[110] Nobody's like, hey, quit stroking my cat.

[111] You stroke a cat, or you stroke, your gentleman and lover.

[112] Okay, let me tell you something.

[113] Give him a stroke.

[114] If you're working on a new hunk, and I sense that's what you're doing.

[115] I am not.

[116] If you're going to do this stroke bit.

[117] No. You stroke a cat.

[118] What are you?

[119] Stroke a cat.

[120] A stroke.

[121] It sounds like such a nice thing.

[122] A stroke.

[123] Oh, my God.

[124] It is a Seinfeld bit.

[125] You stroke a cat?

[126] Hey, I had a question.

[127] Trunk your boyfriend.

[128] This is a bit I've wanted to do for a while.

[129] You have a great idea.

[130] It's a stroke a genius.

[131] Yeah.

[132] I forced it.

[133] Yeah, no, but here's the thing.

[134] Here's what, here's a bit that I want to work on, which is how are we going to know when Jerry Seinfeld has Alzheimer's?

[135] Because he's going to come out on stage and go, I just want to know who are these people.

[136] Bad?

[137] What is the deal with pizza?

[138] And people are going to first think that Jerry's working on, they're going to think he's working on new material.

[139] But then he's going to go, no, seriously.

[140] Who are these people?

[141] Jerry, these are your loved ones.

[142] No, I'm scared.

[143] I'm lost in the corridor.

[144] of my own mind.

[145] Who are these people?

[146] Jerry, Jerry, calm down.

[147] I'm terrified of everything around me. Who are?

[148] What is this thing?

[149] That's a window, Jerry.

[150] What is a window?

[151] And then it ends with...

[152] You look out.

[153] You see?

[154] It's a window.

[155] And then he goes, that was a bit.

[156] That one was a bit.

[157] You know what I mean?

[158] He does work one bit in there.

[159] I tell you close it.

[160] I call those playground bits where they're like, you have the premise, you can do it forever, but then no, you have to have that cord that you pull and then, yeah, I'm not telling you what to do.

[161] I'm just saying, it's nice to have that, period.

[162] I just did this 18 city tour and I have this hunk that I do up front and then I thought of that on the road and I was working it out in front of the comedians and were like, that's really funny, but I never did it on stage because I thought, I don't know yet.

[163] But I've, but might be because you don't, you didn't know where the court is.

[164] Yeah.

[165] The end.

[166] I wonder if real like vaudevillian, show biz is going to come back.

[167] Because we're all loose.

[168] We're the podcast generation of comedy where it's like even your talk show, you can be transparent.

[169] People are like, yeah, we're seeing behind the curtain.

[170] I wonder if the curtain's going to make a comeback.

[171] If our kids' kids are going to be like, he came out, he was probably like John Mullaney.

[172] John Mullaney just does stand up.

[173] John's not like, and that's how that one ends.

[174] He doesn't do that.

[175] He is a throwback.

[176] He is a throwback.

[177] And that's a high compliment.

[178] He's a very disciplined.

[179] storyteller and joke teller and he crafts his act in this way that's a little out of time for today because and again it's there are people that abuse the privilege there are comics that have their shit together and then there are ones that are very brilliant but they they kind of wallow in I don't really know where this is going and I am I really doing up here and they comment on everything and sometimes it goes too far of course I think what we're talking about is podcast stand -up.

[180] It's like now that they know that we talk about bits in these ways, I can't speak for everybody, but some audiences like it.

[181] Like you go see Mark Maren, who's, you know, the penultimate?

[182] What does that mean?

[183] Second to last.

[184] Well, I think he is.

[185] Well, now he is.

[186] The next one, it's over.

[187] Yeah.

[188] I meant the consummate podcast stand -up.

[189] No, he's the penumbra.

[190] I know what you're saying.

[191] He's the penumbria.

[192] He's Jimmy and his trousers.

[193] Yeah.

[194] He goes out.

[195] No, he's the pneumatic.

[196] I know what you're saying.

[197] He's the Parasopopolis.

[198] I'm just going to say.

[199] You're not Jimmy Paracilopolis?

[200] Oh, God.

[201] We're going to, you know, this is a disaster.

[202] What I'm saying is when you watch him, 80 % of it is just like, I don't know.

[203] You know, like, and we love it.

[204] Like, that's what makes it fun is that he's not doing because he's not supposed to be doing what Malini is doing.

[205] Melani's doing what he's supposed to be doing.

[206] Merrin's doing what he's doing.

[207] I do wonder if your kid's kids will be like, he came out from the curtain and he said, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

[208] You know what I mean?

[209] And we're sitting at lit up cocktail tables and we just want to show.

[210] Maybe that would be nice.

[211] Sometimes it is nice.

[212] I'm going to add some professionalism to this.

[213] We do have something in common.

[214] We're both from the Boston area.

[215] Yes.

[216] We're both tall.

[217] Yes.

[218] We are both bedeviled by our fathers.

[219] Come on, I'd met your dad.

[220] You dad's quite the character.

[221] Peter, I was called a little brother.

[222] That's my dad.

[223] I know.

[224] Tell him to go to Windhouse Bakery and give me some Windsor cookies.

[225] What?

[226] Ten minutes later.

[227] I've never had a Windsor cookie.

[228] I only eat, what is it?

[229] Cool?

[230] Cale?

[231] Cruel Ranch Cheerios.

[232] Well, this is the thing about your dad.

[233] Used to do an impression of him, and I thought it was a cruel, exaggerated impression.

[234] And then I met him, and he met him, and he, It's really not.

[235] That is an accurate, were you a bystander and you were describing him to police and you weren't related to him, that would be an accurate description.

[236] A sloppy Peter Griffin type.

[237] When I had the talk show that you did, my dad was, that you gave me, my dad was in the audience and I was interviewing Rob Cordry.

[238] My dad, by the way, wore a Red Sox jersey.

[239] Yep.

[240] Tevas.

[241] And he has like, I love my dad, but he's got some fucked up feet.

[242] His feet look like, who, like when Luke Sky was in that pit, the Jabba the Hut put him in, and the monster came out.

[243] They looked like a rangor.

[244] Rancor?

[245] Rancor.

[246] Why would you even know?

[247] Rancor.

[248] Oh, good.

[249] I nerd in the corner.

[250] He's got rancor feet.

[251] And he's like, I'm going to put these in Tevas.

[252] So whatever's growing on him can get some air and, you know, grow better.

[253] So he's got these nasty, mangled kind of white old man, Bostonian Teva.

[254] At least tell me that he was in a war.

[255] He was never in a war.

[256] Oh.

[257] Never in a war.

[258] Being in a war is the good out for everything.

[259] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[260] I was in the war and then you're out.

[261] Yeah.

[262] But no, his feet never saw action.

[263] Nope.

[264] So why are they mad?

[265] Did they get dropped into machinery at some point?

[266] No, they're just, they grew weird.

[267] He has what's called a hammer toe.

[268] Not MC.

[269] Not MC.

[270] No one thought of MC.

[271] Everyone thought of MC.

[272] Not a person in this room.

[273] So your dad is...

[274] Oh, he's in the audience.

[275] I'm sorry.

[276] Yeah, he's in the audience.

[277] And I'm interviewing Rob Corgi.

[278] He's also wearing cargo shorts.

[279] So he's kind of thin chicken legs.

[280] He's got like Shrek body, big dad body, chicken legs.

[281] And the rancor feet.

[282] You basically, you know that game where you fold a piece of paper three times?

[283] Yes.

[284] And you draw the feet and then you hold it and then someone else not seeing the feet draws legs and then you pass it and then someone else draws the mid body and then the final person draws the head and then you unfold it and you all made a body together.

[285] You're saying that your dad is the product of that game.

[286] Exactly.

[287] Somebody got Stone and drew my dad with five friends.

[288] Right.

[289] And so I'm interviewing Rob Cordy.

[290] My mom and my brother both dressed up.

[291] My dad's dressed like he's just leaving, not even a baseball game, like a batting cage.

[292] Like he was hitting some balls.

[293] And I'm interviewing Rob Cordy and I hear him.

[294] It made the show.

[295] He goes, Who is this guy?

[296] What?

[297] Well, I'm interviewing, not Robb's not T. Cruz, but I'm interviewing Rob Gordy.

[298] I'm telling the people who he is.

[299] Terry Cruz?

[300] Terry Cruz.

[301] Or Tom Cruise?

[302] Tommy Cruz.

[303] Okay, God, you abbreviate everything.

[304] So he was humiliating Rob Cordray.

[305] Yeah, and Rob Cordy ran with it to hilarious effect.

[306] These clips are available on YouTube.

[307] I'm here to plug clips of our old talk show.

[308] You know what?

[309] They'll live on forever.

[310] That's the beautiful thing.

[311] Isn't that fun?

[312] Well, what happens, too, is you've gone on.

[313] You've had this other success.

[314] People know you.

[315] You're well -established guys.

[316] So then they say, I like this Pete Holmes.

[317] and then they start looking and then people start posting your talk show which was very funny and so the work lives on.

[318] Well, TBS was very cool about it.

[319] They gave us a hard drive with all of it.

[320] They were very cool about it.

[321] And then Jeff Ross, your Jeff Ross.

[322] Yeah, pretty soon.

[323] Not, what's that fucking hat?

[324] You look like you're gonna go mop up a bowling alley in the 1930s with Oprah Winfrey lick in the rim of your butthole why you got that ball?

[325] You're gonna hang a six shooter from there?

[326] Jesus.

[327] What is this?

[328] Comedian Jeffrey Ross never has to do a set again because he can just play that with a tape recorder and hold it near his mouth.

[329] That was amazing.

[330] Do you think about comedian Jeffrey Ross a lot?

[331] No, not often.

[332] Okay, wow.

[333] That was amazing.

[334] I have tried to text to your producer, Jeff Ross, and texted Jeff Ross, and I've tried to, vice versa.

[335] Jeff Ross, my producer, shares a name with comedian Jeff Ross, and for years, Jeff Ross would get comedian Jeff Ross, Yeah.

[336] All the time.

[337] And vice versa.

[338] Yeah.

[339] And I knew it wasn't him because he wasn't like, you fat, lesbian!

[340] It was just like, hello Pete.

[341] This is Jeff Ross.

[342] Yeah.

[343] That's your British.

[344] My Jeff Ross, a producer of our show, not a fan of comedy.

[345] Sona, do you think that's possible?

[346] I think it is.

[347] Yeah.

[348] I think he's a great producer.

[349] He's a great producer.

[350] He's open.

[351] I think one of the things he is professional.

[352] He's an amazing producer.

[353] He's the only producer I ever want to work with.

[354] I suspect sometimes he is not a fan of comedy because I'll be saying I think some pretty funny stuff he's like just wrap it up let's go come on just right okay enough kidding around enough with your jokes let's get on with the Conan show enzyme yes he is an essential enzyme yes if you're this he's the thing that helps us digest that does that make sense yeah so he's like a porn producer that isn't into sex he's just like and then the breasts come out and then the ass is shimmering right and it wiggles it a little bit because people seem to like that and then they he is a porn producer who's not that into sex that's what I mean that I understand that they like the jiggling breasts.

[355] Right.

[356] And that means...

[357] He's just studying.

[358] And in that analogy, I am a male porn star with a massive penis.

[359] Yes, yes.

[360] Who is very good at sex.

[361] Maybe some say the best at sex ever.

[362] And sometimes in a rough spot would call in Andy Richter to help him finish.

[363] Yeah, Andy's got a feather.

[364] Andy's got a...

[365] Andy!

[366] I need fluffing!

[367] Andy, shove that feather on my ass!

[368] All right.

[369] You've completely derailed my podcast, and I regret having it.

[370] No, you have not derailed anything.

[371] I, you know.

[372] Here's what I say is something I admire about you, Pete.

[373] Can I call you, Pete?

[374] Is that okay?

[375] Is it all right?

[376] You're always insisting on Dr. Holmes.

[377] That's my brother's rap producer name.

[378] Is that true?

[379] No fooling.

[380] Dr. Holmes 33.

[381] Wait, your brother's what?

[382] My brother, John Holmes, make a joke.

[383] Go ahead, make a joke.

[384] Nope.

[385] My father also John Holm.

[386] Yep.

[387] One of the things that he does is he produces beats for underground rappers or he used to do it more.

[388] He might still do it.

[389] But you can look him up.

[390] He's a white guy from Boston.

[391] He's a white man from Boston.

[392] Yes, sir.

[393] And he produces beats for rappers.

[394] And he's good at it.

[395] You know, what he does?

[396] I think so.

[397] From what I can tell, it's certainly a hard game to get into.

[398] Now, is there anyone in your lineage that's got the comedy thing?

[399] My uncle Larry was hilarious.

[400] It was super, super funny.

[401] And my mom and my dad are funny, but nobody, they're like, my dad comes home filthy.

[402] And I think he likes that.

[403] He's got, like, an old school, like, you can tell out, like, my back hurts.

[404] Like, he thinks that's great.

[405] My hands are so soft.

[406] I could massage a seal, and it'd be like, Mommy.

[407] Right.

[408] I think it was his mother.

[409] He knows you're a hard worker.

[410] He told me that.

[411] That's very sweet.

[412] He said, he said, I'm not going to do your dad's accent, but he said, because it wouldn't sound right.

[413] But he said, I'll tell you one thing about Pete.

[414] No one cannot work.

[415] Oh, that's very sweet.

[416] He said that about you.

[417] Again, he's projected.

[418] And he was telling you, and I was like, uh, stop talking me about Pete.

[419] I actually don't fully relate to that.

[420] I wonder how you are.

[421] I think, uh, I would, well, you describe me, Sona.

[422] Am I, I think I'm a hard worker.

[423] You're a very hard worker.

[424] Yeah, Conan and O 'Brien can't stop.

[425] Yeah, and I'm very different from that.

[426] And that's how we clash a lot sometimes.

[427] It's not that I don't work hard.

[428] It's that I don't, don't care as much as you do.

[429] Right.

[430] I care.

[431] much about everything and can't and then I get mad because I care so much about everything and I wish I didn't and I try not to but then I still care so much and Sona has always been the voice of eh I didn't do it well why didn't you do it well this is the I don't know I didn't care and I'll be like what what do you mean you didn't care right that I think when I watched the the documentary yeah Brian can't stop it does make me a little bit it makes me a little bit sad because I see myself in it you know what I mean?

[432] that part of us that's always sort of chasing the next thing or whatever.

[433] But, you know, there's also part of me that's like, I think neither of us, because I relate more to that than DeSona, wouldn't trade it.

[434] You know what I mean?

[435] Like, if you could turn it off, there's a pill you could take.

[436] No, that's the thing.

[437] Well, that's the big question is if there was a way to turn it off, I would turn it off and then quickly turn it back on again, you know?

[438] And so I'm always signing up for way too much work.

[439] then complaining that I have so much work.

[440] Yeah, I remember you saying that to me, too.

[441] And that is...

[442] You're like, when I'm making the show, I want to be on vacation, when I'm on vacation, I miss making the show.

[443] And I was like, oh, wow, that's haunting.

[444] It's a very haunting idea.

[445] Terrible way to live your life.

[446] But I don't know if it is, because it's one of the cheaper fuels that runs the machine.

[447] And make no mistake, that work that sometimes we both dread has incredible highs.

[448] These incredible highs.

[449] It's the addiction to the highs and the lows.

[450] I think there's even a part of us, I can speak from my experience that enjoys when I'm like, oh, you once said my job is putting my soul in the wood chipper of show business.

[451] And I think about that all the time.

[452] Yeah.

[453] But there's a, there's a, there's a beautiful, it's almost like a French like appreciation for like, can you see what they make us give?

[454] We kind of like it.

[455] Oh no, that's the other thing too is that they're not making us get that.

[456] That's right.

[457] That's right.

[458] It's a narrative.

[459] What comes back to me is there's this moment of real clarity.

[460] I think it's in the documentary, which I haven't watched in years, but there was this moment where I come backstage.

[461] Play it on the screen.

[462] Yeah, I come backstage and I'm complaining to my wife, and I'm saying, they are making me do this, and they are making me do that.

[463] And she said, there is no they.

[464] There's just, there's you.

[465] You're doing it.

[466] And I realize that that's the filmmaker who made, that documentary called it, Conan O 'Brien Can't Stop.

[467] And when he told me that was the title, I honestly didn't know what he was talking about.

[468] Hilarious.

[469] And then saw the documentary and it was like, oh, it's this, you know, it's really strange to see a mirror held up to you that's that accurate.

[470] And not bad.

[471] I'm not, I didn't think I was, but it was, it's just interesting.

[472] It was just interesting to see.

[473] I wonder if it's a New England thing.

[474] But I mean, we were both probably raised.

[475] I've thought about this.

[476] you and I grew up in New England and it's dark and cold in the morning and when you go out to go to school the crappy car doesn't turn over because it's so cold and it's dark and my mom is making us say Hail Mary so that the car will turn over and she actually knew the name of the saint you're supposed to pray to who's good with cars which is ridiculous because all the saints existed 2 ,000 years ago but there's like a Saint Marcus or something who's good with transmissions and my mom would make us pray to that saint.

[477] This is great.

[478] And then the car would slowly turn over.

[479] And there's something about growing up in, and then it like that.

[480] And I have thought to myself, what if you could take a Pete Holmes and a Conan O 'Brien and recast them so that they're born, uh, in Santa Barbara.

[481] Yeah.

[482] And we surf.

[483] We walked barefoot to school.

[484] We walk barefoot.

[485] We, we, we chill.

[486] There's a lot of chilling.

[487] Would we, uh, we, we, we maybe start smoking some weed, like, Is it possible that we would be different people?

[488] Like, I always thought if I grew up in Southern California, would I have had like a V -shaped torso and a girlfriend when I was 14 and would I have not had acne and what I have just been this chill guy?

[489] And what would I be doing now?

[490] Well, I have pictures of me on the cape and I was like blonde -haired and I had a tan.

[491] Like, I don't tan now.

[492] Like, I was a little, I was sveled.

[493] I've been soft ever since, like a sveled little boy.

[494] And I was like, maybe that's California Pete.

[495] But the question is, is California Pete funny?

[496] I don't know.

[497] I could see you on Venice Boulevard, like, not working out, but maybe giving surf lessons or something.

[498] No, but that wouldn't have worked either.

[499] My center of gravity is way too high.

[500] Me too.

[501] I've got a disproportionate body.

[502] But I have wondered that.

[503] Is there so much of, there's a New England thing.

[504] And look at all the New England comics, the real club comics.

[505] Yeah.

[506] You know, that it's so harsh.

[507] I know.

[508] They're really funny.

[509] Yeah.

[510] But it's, everything's fucked up.

[511] It's a product of roads that were designed for horse and buggy.

[512] We had dinner one time around Christmas in downtown Boston.

[513] That's what I love.

[514] That's a new Boston.

[515] Because that's not the Boston you and I grew up with.

[516] That's what I mean.

[517] We didn't go downtown and eat in a fancy restaurant when I was a kid.

[518] We went to a place called Tony's Italian Villa on Route 9.

[519] And now I know that is not an Italian restaurant.

[520] But that's where we went.

[521] We each got to have one soda, and that was it.

[522] And my brother, Neil, always tricked me into drinking mine really quickly.

[523] He'd go, let's have a race.

[524] And then I would drink mine really fast, and he wouldn't drink his at all.

[525] And then he'd laugh at me the rest of the meal.

[526] Oh, my Jesus, if ever I love me. And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[527] Yes.

[528] I believe in being honest with people.

[529] Took out a big mortgage, then borrowed against that mortgage, then borrowed against it again.

[530] mistake.

[531] But I'm an adult, and I'm going to pay down that mortgage.

[532] And we're going to take care of that right now.

[533] There's some hidden little chip in us that makes us, we know, we don't consciously know it, but subconsciously we know we're not staying here.

[534] Yeah.

[535] That's how I felt about Massachusetts.

[536] And a lot of my family stayed there.

[537] And when I go home, I don't feel like, ah, Boston, that's right.

[538] My old home.

[539] It's true.

[540] It's a lot of my own.

[541] It's a lot of my own home.

[542] It's doesn't, I like Boston.

[543] I really love Boston.

[544] I love the people there.

[545] It doesn't feel like home.

[546] And in fact, New York never felt like home.

[547] I don't know where my home is.

[548] I'm totally with you.

[549] I think there's a feeling of restlessness.

[550] I said to my family, we're kind of rough with each other.

[551] So they came to see the family, it's loving, but they came to see the baby.

[552] And they're just, they're just sort of a nightmare situation.

[553] I told the story on Kimmel, but my mom came in and was like, the first thing she said was, we got you a book for Lila.

[554] We got her a book, but we left it in a diner in Pasadena, will you go get it?

[555] And I was like, fucking no. Yeah.

[556] No, that's not a gift.

[557] That's an errand.

[558] We have a baby.

[559] You're supposed to like help.

[560] So anyway, they're kind of nightmares.

[561] And I said to them, if there was show business in Hawaii, I'd be in Hawaii.

[562] You know what I mean?

[563] I was like, if I could go further.

[564] But there's something that sounds cruel and I don't care.

[565] I could explain to you how we love each other.

[566] No, no. I understand that you can, I want to get away.

[567] I understand that you can love your family and they can and also drive you crazy.

[568] I think we can all.

[569] Sona, you can relate to that.

[570] Gourley, I don't know what your situation is.

[571] Of course, of course.

[572] But I want you in this conversation.

[573] Thanks.

[574] You love your parents.

[575] Certainly.

[576] And your family.

[577] Deerly.

[578] Deerly, but you also, I mean, you're routinely telling me how much you also despise all of them.

[579] Off mic, yeah.

[580] Off mic.

[581] On a flow chart.

[582] He's constantly writing notes and pass them over to me during.

[583] I despise slash love my family.

[584] And I'm like, you know what?

[585] I'm trying to work here.

[586] You know what?

[587] my therapist just hit me he says hate your parents well which i think is like do you do it intelligently and do it graciously and lovingly and there is a way to sort of be like yeah i don't i love you that doesn't mean i like everything about you i also tell my my wife is a terrific uh terrific mom she's great she's always yeah she puts so much effort and thought and love into into being a mom and i'll always remind her remember you're going to go to therapy and they're going to come complain about us.

[588] Yeah.

[589] We can do all we, we can base this turkey with love every five seconds, but the turkey when it's finally done is going to go like, you know.

[590] As a naive new parent, and I'll concede that that might be what I am.

[591] You're very early in the process.

[592] I'm very early.

[593] Well, people gave me a little...

[594] How far along are, how old?

[595] She's two and a half months.

[596] She's two and a half months, right?

[597] Because you brought her to the show seconds after she was born.

[598] Yeah, which actually blew my mind.

[599] She was delivered in Jimmy Vivino's dresser.

[600] Yeah.

[601] You brought you, you came to the show And I was like, I can't believe you're doing this show Because you just, your wife just gave birth And you said, And you said, what do you mean?

[602] She's backstage.

[603] And I walked into the dress room And your wife threw the baby at me. You said, catch!

[604] Catch!

[605] And it was very scarring for everyone.

[606] Well, we didn't know that when people say, like, don't do that, they mean you're going to get your baby sick.

[607] Yeah.

[608] Because then we took our baby to Maui.

[609] to see Ram Dass because I wanted her to, Ram Dass is my teacher, I guess we could say, who's also from Boston, from Newton, and I have a lot in common with him because of that, I feel.

[610] Anyway, I wanted her to meet him, and she got a cold.

[611] And we were like, oh, when people are like, you make all your mistakes with the first one, it's like, that's what they mean is we're on a plane, everyone's coughing.

[612] We get to the retreat, everyone has like, literally people had pneumonia and bronchitis, and we're like, oh, we'll be in the room.

[613] Like we just, we fucked up.

[614] Then, like, one day she got too much sun on one side of her face.

[615] But something I noticed, I don't know if this is...

[616] You're terrible parents, I'm realizing right.

[617] We're terrible parents.

[618] We need the baby taken away.

[619] But it wasn't a sunburn.

[620] It was just like enough that it was like she was...

[621] We thought she should go to a tubercular ward.

[622] We thought she should see where tuberculosis is cured.

[623] So she was about a day old and we took her to show her what tuberculosis was.

[624] Who knows?

[625] You make those mistakes with the first one.

[626] You learn.

[627] Val felt horrible.

[628] I noticed a naturally occurring insurgents of what I call dad energy.

[629] Women can have dad energy too, obviously, and I can have mom energy.

[630] But I started having, like, that dad, like, she'll be fine.

[631] And I meant it.

[632] Yeah.

[633] Like, she got more nervous than she normally did.

[634] And I got more self -assured that everything's going to be fine.

[635] And I was like, oh, my God, we're yinning each other's yangs right now.

[636] And nobody asked for it.

[637] didn't read any book about it.

[638] No, but that's exactly what you do.

[639] It's what happens, right?

[640] If your wife was super chill, you'd be nervous.

[641] You would freak out.

[642] That's right.

[643] You know what?

[644] We're going to have to take a break.

[645] We've talked to.

[646] Yeah, we've got to wrap up.

[647] We've been, how long has it been?

[648] It's been close to an hour.

[649] Jesus Christ.

[650] Just letting you guys roll.

[651] The fuck.

[652] I don't know much about this guy, but all I've seen him do is try to put this show in a box.

[653] You can't contain this.

[654] I'm lightning and he's the bottle.

[655] Yeah, we're yinning and yanging.

[656] Yeah, I'm father energy.

[657] He's a mother energy.

[658] I'm going to pay you a compliment.

[659] Oh, I love it.

[660] Not right now.

[661] Several years from now, you're going to get a letter and it's going to have a compliment that's just going to say you dress well.

[662] It's going to be much less than what you thought you were going to get.

[663] And you don't.

[664] And it's going to be in quotes so you know it's not true.

[665] No, you know what I like is that you there is a very popular vein in comedy which is the comedian that is very unhappy and miserable.

[666] And I've always liked that you don't mind that vein.

[667] Do you know what I mean?

[668] That you, and there's some other, Ron Funches also talks about things that make him happy.

[669] Yeah, but he talks about things that give him happiness.

[670] And I think you're the same school, which I actually credit.

[671] I think that is a harder path to take.

[672] it's a more original or fresher path to take because I weary over the years of the people that come out and they just tell you over and over and over again how I'm sick something's wrong with me I'm bad and I'm a disease and I don't know I worry of that I appreciate that when you're starting in the clubs it's 90 % 95 maybe just like and I got up there I punched him in the And then I realized there was a woman.

[673] It was my mother.

[674] And people are like, ugh.

[675] And then you have to go up and be like, Kleenex.

[676] They used to be facial tissue.

[677] Now it's clean it.

[678] You know, like it's hard.

[679] But I'm so grateful that like the taste of comedy consumers shifted towards the positive.

[680] And that started happening.

[681] You pioneered that in a huge way and made a space for people like me that want to be silly, that don't want to be like.

[682] And I said, baboo, my part.

[683] Why am I doing it like that voice?

[684] You know what I'm saying.

[685] Doesn't have to be against anybody.

[686] Well, I think there's...

[687] And I appreciate that.

[688] Well, you know what's interesting to me is that it's that I think there's a lot of people that conflate negativity with, quote, the truth.

[689] Yeah.

[690] So it's that whole school of if you're being negative.

[691] That's right.

[692] And you're saying dark things, you're telling the truth.

[693] That's right.

[694] And if you're not, if your comedy isn't right now, railing against what's happening in our country and railing about, you know, who's president and what's, you know, happening, then you're escapist and you're not handling the truth.

[695] And I think, uh, I don't, I don't think I agree with that.

[696] Yeah.

[697] I don't think I agree with that.

[698] I think it's possible to be present in this world, understand that not all is right with the world, and then try to find, uh, we're back at the dinner tip.

[699] Try to find the silliness.

[700] That's right.

[701] Yeah.

[702] There are people that confuse being sarcastic with having a personality or hating everything is having a personality.

[703] This is a real epidemic.

[704] You'll see in people's Twitter bios it says like, sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer.

[705] It's like you're in the way, Beth.

[706] You don't have to do those things.

[707] Bless you.

[708] I hope we got that on, that was a good one.

[709] We can sell that.

[710] We can get money for that.

[711] Yeah.

[712] You sneezing a lot lately?

[713] Use nasal tracks.

[714] I just made up that product Now we have to go find a company And make them get that name Is that fun?

[715] It's a podcast You can sing Believe it or not You don't have to pay for this Oh, is that true?

[716] No Charles in charge of our days and our nights Yes It's like when your final shows Of the Tonight Show You can do the most expensive show Everybody's ever gonna care You found out you couldn't pay for a song So you sang the Charles in charge You could have sang anything You know what I did It's also not true You know what?

[717] Yes it is Not here.

[718] I understand it is with yours, but it is not here.

[719] And I'm not condoning that.

[720] I say do it.

[721] Crawl.

[722] Oh, you had me for a second thinking I could sing all of Led Zeppelin, the most expensive catalog next to the Beatles.

[723] You think if we sing Led Zeppelin, you're going to get a letter?

[724] No, but I think that the people in this corporation will have words.

[725] I say fan that fire.

[726] Go for it.

[727] I'll do it with you.

[728] You need cooling.

[729] Baby, I'm not fooling.

[730] Want to send you back to.

[731] your schooling hide Give me your love Now Now Keep a coolie baby Keep a coolie baby Keep a coolie baby Now fortunately I sing it so strangely Yeah that melody is That Charles in charge of our days and our nights Charles in charge of our wrongs And our rights I want Charles in charge of me. What a weird song.

[732] Why is he in charge of our wrongs and our rights?

[733] It doesn't age well.

[734] What a terrible song.

[735] Anyway, there's no better way to get out on a podcast than me singing a song that Earwolf isn't going to let come through.

[736] No, that's going on.

[737] It's going to go.

[738] No one's going to come after us for the Charles in Charge theme.

[739] I say let them try.

[740] Yeah.

[741] Whoa, Gorley's throwing down.

[742] Yeah, I couldn't do.

[743] Later, in court, you.

[744] just crying.

[745] I didn't know.

[746] This is a fun way to plug my stand -up special Dirty Clean, which is out on HBO now.

[747] There's a joke I couldn't do and it goes like this.

[748] First I go, you ever give thanks that you're not attracted to children?

[749] It's just kind of a funny line.

[750] And I go, but that shit is everywhere.

[751] Like what's going on with that song?

[752] Hey, little girl is your daddy home?

[753] Did you go and leave you all alone?

[754] Why am I hearing this at the dentist.

[755] Yeah.

[756] It's like someone took a knife baby edgy and dull and cut a six inch valley through the middle of my skull.

[757] Is that the next line?

[758] It night I wake up with a sheet soaking wet and a free train and now we're just loving the song.

[759] It's a good song.

[760] It is a good song.

[761] No, it's a great song.

[762] But all I said was like that's fucking weird.

[763] Like nobody in the recording booth like this through the glass when he was like, I got a bird desire.

[764] It was like, Bruce, it's fucking weird, man. That's all I said.

[765] Don't do that, Bruce.

[766] And I never called him a pedophie?

[767] I'm not also, we're not idiots.

[768] We're just saying the song sounds.

[769] No, I don't see.

[770] Why did they cut that out?

[771] Because I'm, the lawyers, not of HBO, because the production company would get sued, not HBO.

[772] HBO is fine with it.

[773] The production company wouldn't let me do it, understandably, because you're calling him a pedophile.

[774] And then I'd say Neil Diamond, uh, girl, you'll be a woman soon.

[775] Wait for that transition to be complete.

[776] Yeah.

[777] What fucking skis?

[778] She's just 16 years old.

[779] Yeah, there's a lot.

[780] Yeah, yeah.

[781] Yeah.

[782] You're 16.

[783] You're beautiful in your mind.

[784] There's a lot of them out there.

[785] I know, but those two were like kind of subtle enough.

[786] No, no, no. But I'm surprised that...

[787] Yanked!

[788] I'm surprised that that got yanked.

[789] It was yanked.

[790] Wait, let's make sure I get the name of the special, correct?

[791] Dirty clean.

[792] Dirty clean.

[793] And that's out now.

[794] It's out now.

[795] That's out now.

[796] On HBO Go or HBO now.

[797] And watch the special, which is really funny, but then imagine that hunk in it.

[798] I know.

[799] It's even a little bit better.

[800] I had another, speaking of it, went out like that.

[801] I had a joke where I go, some songs sound, this didn't make the special.

[802] I go, some song sound unfinished.

[803] Desmond has a barrow at the marketplace.

[804] Well, he has a sale.

[805] Okay, that's a good start.

[806] And then they get to the chorus.

[807] They're like, oh, blah, dee, oh, blah, just for now.

[808] That goes on, blah.

[809] Obviously, I couldn't afford that one.

[810] We got Led Zeppelin and the Beatles in this episode.

[811] This is going to be.

[812] Yeah, but this is what podcasts are.

[813] This is why I'm happy you're doing a podcast.

[814] It's still showbiz, but like, it's a dream.

[815] I don't know if you've ever had a dream of something that, like, requires almost no preparation or effort, but somehow impossibly produces a result, I would say, sometimes better than something that we worked really hard on.

[816] I have calculated every question and every response on this beforehand, and you've said all the things that I predicted you would say based on the algorithms I was working out long into the night.

[817] So I don't know what you're talking about.

[818] I am old school, and you've played right into my hands.

[819] Pete Holmes, an absolute desire.

[820] I got a bad desire.

[821] I got a bad desire.

[822] Oh, who's fire.

[823] Tell me now, Pete, do you like me?

[824] You want to sit on the edge of my knee, oh, Pete.

[825] Pete, you put that thought in my head, and I'm going to think about it the rest of the day.

[826] And then I'm calling Bruce Springsteen, because we chat every day on the phone.

[827] Give me a denim shirt.

[828] That's not.

[829] That's how he sounds.

[830] Give me a damn shirt.

[831] This is a terrible Bruce's impression.

[832] Hey, I want to wear jeans and a denim shirt.

[833] Oh, wow.

[834] Okay.

[835] Well, that's him.

[836] What is that?

[837] Him as a deputy in an old cowboy.

[838] Well, the bad guys are coming.

[839] Calm down, bad Bruce Springsteen impression.

[840] But the bad guys are coming over the year.

[841] We got to get them.

[842] And we also got to do something for the working man. Marshall, Dylan.

[843] All right, I'm wrapping this thing up.

[844] This thing's gone on way too long.

[845] This isn't one of your nine -hour podcast Who we just free flow I'm a big believer It's after the first hour That you get the good stuff But who wants the good stuff We're 104 Who But after he edits it After he edits it Don't edit this out I have that control So it's going on Go ahead Who told us that podcasts Are supposed to be an hour I have had the experience Of being on a podcast And it's like hour three Yes And I do start to feel like How does this stop Where I'm the guest Right.

[846] And I do think that they, if the studio was on fire, they wouldn't wrap it up.

[847] I understand.

[848] They're trying to get a little more juice out of the breezes.

[849] That's Conan's a breezes.

[850] That's your neat thing.

[851] That's right.

[852] Because no one knows what you're talking about.

[853] Then I just say make it two hours.

[854] All right, Sonia, you've got to end this thing.

[855] Thank you for joining us.

[856] That was Pete Holmes.

[857] That's how it is.

[858] Check out dirty clean on HBO now.

[859] And crashing.

[860] Comes back January 20th.

[861] 20th.

[862] After true detective.

[863] After true detective.

[864] We're the sorbet after the heavy -on -trial.

[865] Someone in a crow mask is going to shoot somebody.

[866] And then I'll be like, Can I get five minutes at your club, mister?

[867] Why am I doing?

[868] That's a you bet.

[869] I'm only doing that because I'm with you.

[870] That's my girl in show business.

[871] Gee, Mr. O 'Brien, do you think you could put me on to show?

[872] Chomp, chomp on gum, hands on hips.

[873] Scrunchy on wrist Yeah Gee Mr. O 'Brien I could be a singer All right This is it Peace out Tupac Ugh And now it's time For another installment Of Conan O 'Brien Pays off the mortgage On his beach house Okay Of course I'm sitting here With producer Matt Goreley and Sonoma of Sessian is doodling something.

[874] Remember the time I caught you doodling at your desk, Sona, and it was a butt?

[875] Remember when you were drawing a butt?

[876] Remember?

[877] The story.

[878] Just hold it.

[879] Do you remember when you were drawing a butt?

[880] I'm going to tell the story right now.

[881] There's no time because we're getting into a cycle.

[882] I know, but you said, you don't do any work.

[883] I said, yes, I do, and I flipped through my notebook, and there was a drawing of a butt.

[884] Yeah.

[885] Why were you drawing a butt?

[886] I didn't draw it.

[887] Jason Chalemi, our field producer, Drew.

[888] it on my notebook.

[889] It was just very embarrassing because I picked up Sona's book to see what work she'd been doing and there was just a drawing of a butt in her notebook.

[890] Well, do you remember when we did those Roman ED ads and you were drawing erections all over the paper?

[891] I wasn't drawing them.

[892] I was scopeding them.

[893] Oh, that's right.

[894] Matt, we've now released a handful of these podcast episodes and I thought we should do a state of the podcast where we assess how we're doing so far.

[895] Why don't you give us your assessment as a professional podcast Well, I don't think it's any surprise, but we are doing very well.

[896] This podcast, as an average of five stars out of five stars, the download numbers exceeded expectations multiple times, where they even upped the ad sales and then had to sell more at.

[897] So you're doing incredibly well.

[898] Okay.

[899] So that's good.

[900] I don't have any connection emotionally to any of that.

[901] Those are just, that's you looking at various graphs and charts.

[902] You probably go into a dark room and just look at all kinds of screens.

[903] Yeah, my number's seller.

[904] Yeah, and what I know, so I was in a foreign country called Canada.

[905] Uh -huh.

[906] And I was walking down the street and a car drove by and a guy rolled down the window on his truck and said, gone in, I loved a podcast!

[907] Now that's something.

[908] When you're reaching just the streets of another country.

[909] I was in the streets of Vancouver.

[910] Now, granted, it's practically the United States.

[911] Vancouver is pretty much a suburb of Seattle.

[912] Yeah.

[913] But I thought that was a good sign.

[914] I'm hearing more and more people say they like the podcast.

[915] And that's the only thing I go by is humans telling me. So your numbers and your graphs and your charts and you're telling me, the advertisers, quadrupled their expectations.

[916] Is that a fair...

[917] You think it's a good...

[918] No, first of all, I didn't use that voice.

[919] And second of all, I am a person telling you that.

[920] Oh, you're right.

[921] How do you feel about it?

[922] Are you feeling good?

[923] I am.

[924] I enjoy it.

[925] Yeah?

[926] I totally go by how things feel.

[927] I'm a sensual man. I'm a sensualist.

[928] I feel like I know what Sona goes through on a day -to -day -day -d -gays.

[929] And I go totally on...

[930] I'm very tactile.

[931] Sona help.

[932] I'm like Jeff Goldblum.

[933] I have to touch everything around me. Please.

[934] Oh, oh, that's Jeff Goldblum.

[935] I, it feels good to me. I enjoy it.

[936] It feels like a form that fits my rambling mind.

[937] So no, what are you doing?

[938] I'm sorry.

[939] You're on your phone.

[940] Would I need help over here?

[941] You know what I'm saying?

[942] Can I just say something?

[943] First of all, when we're doing the podcast, we're doing the podcast.

[944] And I looked over, hand me your paper, please.

[945] And you were drawing furiously.

[946] And you're drawing, who is that?

[947] It looks like kind of a chubby, girl that's very good little chubby boy oh it's a little chubby oh it's a little chubby okay and then you drew all these weird designs on the side yeah it's just right so you're scratching and scribbling and then i see you texting on your phone and you're like the teenage daughter i'm trying to explain to you we're at we're in washington dc and i'm showing you the lincoln memorial and explaining to you who abraham lincoln is and you're on your phone you know texting with your friend yeah put that down put it down the state of the podcast is that the show's doing well but behind the scenes it's a mess It's a mess.

[948] You doodle constantly.

[949] Why can't I doodle a little bit?

[950] I drew a little guy.

[951] Yeah, but you're not in the moment.

[952] I'm always present and in the moment.

[953] You have an attention problem.

[954] I do.

[955] But, you know, in my defense, I'm answering emails for you, because I am your assistant.

[956] When I do this, I shut my phone off and my phone doesn't exist because I'm only doing this.

[957] All right, here's what we're going to do.

[958] We're going to do a doodle off.

[959] Okay, I'm going to tell you something to draw, and both of you are going to give it your best shot.

[960] Go.

[961] Okay.

[962] A puppy dog with a Christmas bow on it I got this because I draw puppy dogs all the time Yeah and go ahead and talk us through your process as well I'm imagining the puppy dog Wow they both have a very interesting like son is just blazing this Yeah well she draws puppy dogs all day long That's what I do They're both actually quite good All she does is draw puppy dogs Like Conan is like the New Yorker style kind of artwork James Thurber Yeah And he's got a bow in his head It's a Christmas puppy.

[963] Well, I'm done.

[964] Whoa, all right.

[965] Let's take a...

[966] Please sign it.

[967] Please sign it.

[968] Okay.

[969] Quite a signature, too.

[970] Wow.

[971] Yeah.

[972] I was under the...

[973] We were drawing as quickly as possible, so...

[974] No one said that.

[975] Who said that?

[976] No one did, but I just...

[977] When I heard competition, I just immediately started going really fast.

[978] And so, I'm going to please put your name at the top.

[979] You know, I'm going to put an extra piece of flare on this guy.

[980] Oh, my God.

[981] Both of these are impressive.

[982] Does yours have a bow on it as?

[983] Yeah, he said a bow.

[984] As, oh it is, okay.

[985] All right, yeah.

[986] Wow, okay, so here's what we'll do.

[987] Go to Earwolf .com to the page for this episode, and you can see the pictures of these drawings, and you can vote amongst yourselves or on Reddit or wherever you want with friends as to whether Sona or Conan did the best dog with a bow drawing.

[988] My little Christmas pup.

[989] Wow.

[990] And then can you put your name at the top there too, as the assignment was clearly laid up.

[991] Oh, okay.

[992] You're taking a lot from Conan.

[993] This is going to be great for people listening on the podcast.

[994] You know what?

[995] Can I say something, Gourley?

[996] You're the first podcast producer to have people silently draw on the air.

[997] Probably your downfall.

[998] You know, I didn't know.

[999] Eventually, what's that?

[1000] You, come on.

[1001] Wow.

[1002] That's not fair.

[1003] Okay.

[1004] Mine's funny.

[1005] Look at the dog.

[1006] He's sad.

[1007] Should I?

[1008] Okay.

[1009] The dog is sad.

[1010] looking at a Christmas tree with a thought bubble that says, I'm Jewish.

[1011] That's funny.

[1012] The owners didn't know his religion.

[1013] Yeah, they just assumed.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] So anyway.

[1016] Well, you drew in Sharpie, you have a tree.

[1017] You have a, like, a border.

[1018] Oh, God.

[1019] You know what?

[1020] And I did.

[1021] Your generation, all you do is cast blame.

[1022] It's not fair.

[1023] It's not fair.

[1024] Where's my reality show?

[1025] Where's my billion dollars?

[1026] I put the work in and I reap the rewards.

[1027] I don't know.

[1028] You're the one who started.

[1029] at a show because you didn't get enough love and intention as a kid.

[1030] Well, it's working.

[1031] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1032] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1033] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1034] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1035] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1036] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1037] Got a question for Conan?

[1038] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1039] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1040] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1041] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

[1042] Thank you.