J.B. Smoove

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[1] Now, armchair expert.

[2] I'm Dax Shepard.

[3] I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

[4] Hi.

[5] How are you?

[6] Great.

[7] We're in your living room.

[8] You just gave me a bite of a ham and cheese qualsong that is rock in my world.

[9] Shout out tartine.

[10] You can buy the tartine cookbook across the nation.

[11] I don't know if they have...

[12] Nationwide.

[13] I don't know if they have restaurants nationwide, but you can definitely buy the cookbook.

[14] They have beautiful breads.

[15] you know who else is nationwide j b smooth he is j b smooth jb smooth jb smove is an american actor a comedian and a writer he is one of the best parts of a perfect show curb your enthusiasm just can't get enough of him on there and real husbands of hollywood he's so funny he has a new podcast called may i elaborate daily wisdom from j b smooth affirmations elaborations and hallucinations from one of comedy's most enigmatic minds join jb's move each week as he reads a new quote from an inspirational calendar to try to squeeze even more wisdom and motivation out of it and uh this is our last monday before we go to spot that's right thursday is our first episode exclusively at spotify president barack obama we hope everyone joins us over there for that delightful conversation remember it's free it's free free free free free same show can't reiterate it enough please enjoy jb smooth Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and add free right now.

[16] Join OneDry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[17] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[18] He's an armchair.

[19] You're talking about other black guys.

[20] You've got a black guy coming on.

[21] I'll tell you that much.

[22] I'll tell you that much.

[23] I'll tell you that much.

[24] That ain't going to happen not today.

[25] Not Obama.

[26] Not Don Cito.

[27] Nobody.

[28] I'm the number one black guy.

[29] That's right.

[30] We promise to not reference any other black folks for the next hour.

[31] Hey, I'm ordained.

[32] proprietary.

[33] You own it.

[34] My numbers are moving, man. I'm in 11 seconds already.

[35] 12 seconds.

[36] 13.

[37] This could be the only episode where you just literally count up to an hour and a half.

[38] Now, you know what's great is we're clearly in your closet, which is such a privileged point of view.

[39] Gorgeous closet.

[40] I'll tell you something, man. This takes time.

[41] It takes time to do this because a few years are getting this home.

[42] But it is exactly what we wanted.

[43] And what we did was we gutted everything.

[44] We gutted the house interior.

[45] We gutted the exterior of the home.

[46] All that old stucco had to come off.

[47] We gutted the backyard.

[48] all the fences that surround the property, we gutted everything and started over.

[49] All the hardscape had to go.

[50] We got rid of a whole goddamn pool.

[51] You know you're rich when you know the word hardscape.

[52] I just learned it this year.

[53] Hey, see, that shows you have a fonsue deficiency.

[54] This is what I just learned.

[55] This is what we really have in common.

[56] Both of us would have been way better just fucking hiring a bulldozer to drive through the whole place and start from scratch.

[57] Because if you tore off the exterior, the interior, the interior of the backyard, which is what we did, it had been a lot easier and cheaper just to plow it.

[58] We said the same thing, man. We said, why don't we just start from scratch?

[59] Nothing better than a moving, ready home.

[60] But we love the aesthetics of the home.

[61] Yeah, we could have just repeated it.

[62] We could have just knocked the whole house down, found the original plants from the city, and just redid the whole goddamn house, but a newer version of the same goddamn house.

[63] New and improved.

[64] Now, this is a fun project.

[65] Or we bought like 10 ,000 boxes of Lego and just built the most craziest Lego home you ever seen your life.

[66] People couldn't drive past it without stopping.

[67] Like, God damn, is that a Lego home right there?

[68] Lego steps, Lego kitchen, countertops, everything's Lego.

[69] Well, really quick, let me break down what I'm looking at.

[70] We actually, this may surprise you, we've interviewed some folks in their closet.

[71] We haven't interviewed anyone, nor have I ever seen.

[72] been in someone's closet with the same proportion dedicated to hat space.

[73] This is such a first for me. This is very novel.

[74] It's brand new.

[75] It's 70 % of your closet area is for hats.

[76] So if I move the camera and show you the sneaker wall, the cowboy boot wall, the sewer jacket wall over here, my coat wall, my just a red carpet tuxedo wall over here.

[77] Oh, oh, wow.

[78] How many square feet is your closet?

[79] Shit.

[80] Maybe 500.

[81] This is my lane.

[82] I love fashion.

[83] Here's one thing about me. I am not gaudy.

[84] I'm not the dude that's going to be buying dumbass chains.

[85] I just love certain eras.

[86] I love certain cuts, something pales.

[87] I love beautiful pocket squares.

[88] Now, let me tell you something.

[89] You love bow ties.

[90] If you add up all the shit in this room, it's probably like $85.

[91] $85.

[92] No, no, no, no. No, no, no, I'm fucking around.

[93] I'm fucking around.

[94] But I say that because I am not beyond walking my ass into a thrift store and finding a unique vest.

[95] Okay, I want to jump right into the deep end because Monica and I had this conversation the other day and I think you'll have a great opinion on it.

[96] In general, I hate when people are on Instagram, like getting on a private jet.

[97] it just grosses me out right yeah but i said to monica i fucking love it when black dudes do it like i'm all in if j z wants to show me his house and he's got 300 000 square feet i'm applauding it do it i have such a different place in my head for black dudes floss and then i do anyone else so like normally if you were a white dude and you were telling me about this closet and a tuxedo area and all this i kind of be like oh man but i i love it for you i'll give another example first of all you're amazing on Howard.

[98] I love when you're on Howard.

[99] And also, of course, Tracy Morgan's amazing on Howard.

[100] And Tracy Morgan will be talking about owning Bugatti.

[101] Now, if someone else came on and was like, oh, I own Bugatti, I've got a 500 ,000 gallon fish tank, I wouldn't like it.

[102] But I love it.

[103] Right.

[104] It's underdog.

[105] I know.

[106] Let me tell you something.

[107] I'm from New York City.

[108] I'm from North Carolina.

[109] About five years old to New York, the projects in Mount Vernon.

[110] And And my tedious journey is still not finished.

[111] I would do this shit for free if I had another fucking option.

[112] If I had some other shit I was doing, I would do comedy for fucking free.

[113] Let's just say I hit the lottery for $10 million tomorrow.

[114] So what I would do?

[115] I would do fucking free shows for every comedy club that ever supported me in my career.

[116] I would make people laugh.

[117] I made this one dude laugh one time.

[118] I'm on a flight going to New York from L .A. I had planned to take a fucking nap for that five -hour ride.

[119] All I kept saying to myself was I get on this plane, put my fucking head back, I'm going to drop my hat over my face like this, and it's a rat.

[120] All I want to remember is take off and fucking landing.

[121] The last thing I want to hear is, welcome.

[122] Please remain seated with the seatbelt fastened until we arrived at the fucking gate.

[123] That's all I want to hear.

[124] Wait, hold on, hold on.

[125] You don't want to hear, if you look out the right side of the window, you can see the southwest edge of Grand Canyon.

[126] By the way, can we call a wrap on all the geographical pointouts on the plane?

[127] It's okay.

[128] You don't have to tell me everything we're flying over.

[129] So the guy sat next to me. This dude proceeded to talk to me for five fucking hours.

[130] Oh, boy.

[131] The whole goddamn trip.

[132] So guess what I missed the fucking takeoff and I missed the, I missed all that shit because he was talking over that shit.

[133] But I say that because when we landed, I felt like, yeah, I wanted to.

[134] rest.

[135] Yeah, got two shows tonight, but you know what?

[136] I made that motherfucker happy just now.

[137] He enjoyed it.

[138] Yeah.

[139] Now, listen, you're very positive.

[140] It's what I love about you.

[141] But two things.

[142] One, does it not ever feel daunting that it is on your shoulders?

[143] This is sometimes what's led, I feel like I've developed social anxiety a little bit.

[144] I never had it, but I feel like in that situation, it's on my shoulders to entertain that person for five hours.

[145] It's not on the businessman's shoulders.

[146] Oh, no, it's not.

[147] It's not on his shoulders.

[148] Here's what it is.

[149] It is on your shoulders because, you know what?

[150] When we are assholes or this should go awry, it should spread like wildfire.

[151] And he told a friend, hey, I sat next to death on the fucking flight.

[152] I talked to him, but he just fucking, I don't get it.

[153] Or he turt me the wrong way.

[154] It happens.

[155] It happens because they think we're not real people and we are fucking real people.

[156] I would fly back to Detroit like every week to go deal with my dad's chemo.

[157] He was dying.

[158] So those trips to Detroit, if you sat next to me, like, there's only so much I can do in that situation.

[159] Yeah, exactly.

[160] If you heard my heart Stern interviews, I told Stern to look, man, you want to be able to eat spaghetti on a patio at a restaurant.

[161] Patios right out there.

[162] People can walk by and see you.

[163] You want to be able to eat that spaghetti, like you would eat that shit at home.

[164] You want to be able to strip that spaghetti.

[165] Mouthful.

[166] Fucking sauce flashing on people and shit.

[167] If you wanted to look like an octopus is fighting in your mouth, yeah.

[168] You want to look like this shit is everywhere.

[169] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[170] You know what I mean?

[171] That's how you want to eat spaghetti.

[172] But you want to be able to eat that shit on the patio without motherfuckers looking at you or taking photos of you eating that goddamn spaghetti.

[173] Oh, man. And when people pull their children in, holy shit.

[174] I was on a cruise ship one time.

[175] And this whole table full of people sent a four -year -old to my table while I'm eating soup and said, Mr. J .B, my dad and my mom love you.

[176] Could you come over to our table to say hi?

[177] Now, I'm eating with my family.

[178] Hey, I sucked it up.

[179] My soup got cold.

[180] I walked over there.

[181] You can't reheat soup on a cruise.

[182] You know what I'm saying?

[183] Once they make it, then they get long -winded.

[184] everybody got a fucking question.

[185] So I had to, like, find a way to still be nice, but excuse myself to go back and eat my goddamn butternet squash soup.

[186] Does your family get resentful that you...

[187] Fuck, yeah.

[188] Placading.

[189] Yeah.

[190] Fuck, yeah.

[191] Here's a look you get from your wife.

[192] She goes, what the...

[193] Like, really?

[194] Really?

[195] We are enjoying our time that we don't get together.

[196] But this family wants you now?

[197] Ooh, shit.

[198] And you're super getting cold?

[199] It does sound like you prioritize the soup getting cold over your wife being pissed, if I'm being dead honest.

[200] And when someone else is excited about meeting you and seeing you and always wanted to talk to you, it is truly your job to show the fuck up and talk to the person.

[201] Now, listen, you grew up in the projects, as you mentioned.

[202] You moved, you know, three or five, depending on whether you're right or Wikipedia's right.

[203] You moved from North Carolina.

[204] The New York grew up in the projects.

[205] So I grew up broke, too.

[206] My thing is, I just keep buying Jordan's like toothbrushes.

[207] But for me, it's definitely filling this void of like, that's the shit I wanted that other kids had.

[208] I couldn't have it.

[209] Your aesthetic is so interesting to me because you're 10 years older than me. So you grow up in the 80s.

[210] It's not like dudes who are rocking these hats in your school or anything.

[211] So where's the aesthetic coming from?

[212] How is this the shit you always wanted that you couldn't have?

[213] Well, what's the era I grew up in?

[214] But here's my thing.

[215] I feel as though, you know how they say you've been there before?

[216] I feel as though I've been here before.

[217] And I feel as though for some reason I'm attracted to this era when men wore suits and they wore hats and they wore shoes, fancy shoes.

[218] Even the heyday of Harlem, I'm sure you've seen on Harlem nights.

[219] Oh, my God, man. Little details I look at, I'm like, holy shit.

[220] I know I could take that right there I would steal that I love the way he tied his fucking scarf around his neck I love the way he accentuate the shit with this goddamn pocket square fuck man just little details I want to psycho analyze you though for one second I didn't like how I looked so I had like a Mohawk I had all this shit that would distract you from the thing I didn't really want you to look at my face so I'm wondering do you like how you look and is your style at all informed by like, I'm going to have so much shit going on around me that, like, I'll beat this whole package.

[221] Or do you love how you look?

[222] Here's what I say.

[223] I'm not the most handsome man in the world, but I'm going to tell you what beats handsome every time fucking character.

[224] Like, it's a fucking amazing ass, Kurt Douglas ass dimple.

[225] This shit looks like a woman's private parts.

[226] I'm telling you right fucking now.

[227] If I cut this bitch and I put my chin to that fucking little little camera right there, you would hit my chin.

[228] If you were in prison, guys would probably attack your chin.

[229] You hear me?

[230] Yeah, I hear you.

[231] Yes, I agree with you.

[232] Your personality can get you a shitload, the way you carry yourself, the supposed confidence.

[233] I'm saying seventh, eighth grade, J .B. looking in the mirror, are you delighted with what you're seeing reflected back?

[234] I just personally was it.

[235] Wow.

[236] No, because I'm going to be honest, man. Humor saved me. Because I'm telling you, and I got a bad memory.

[237] I got a fucking bad memory.

[238] It's like I've got bull.

[239] No, I got bullied.

[240] I had to have like five or six ways to get the fuck home because once the bullies learned my route, I had to change that shit.

[241] You said I had to go another way to get the fuck home.

[242] I have five, six ways of getting my ass home.

[243] You would have been a great taxi driver.

[244] Oh, man. Yeah, I run that shit up because I know a way to get to your home without you even knowing that I'm overcharging your ass by taking another 10 -minute route to get to your crib.

[245] So, yes, man, you find ways to replace things you lack with things that are going to enhance how you feel, how you look.

[246] I'm going to be honest, man. I'm going to be fucking honest.

[247] I'll tell you right now, I don't fucking wear glasses.

[248] And I know these fake -ass glasses are fucking my eyesight up.

[249] I know what you are.

[250] But I can't stop wearing them because I fucking love these goddamn time for us.

[251] So, yes, there are things that had to learn.

[252] I used to walk.

[253] My posture was fucked up.

[254] All the things you would think of that a person of style would never have my posture.

[255] I didn't know how to fucking walk, stand.

[256] My lower jaw would drop once in a while.

[257] If you catch me, if I let my body relax, holy shit, whole fucking jaw would drop down.

[258] Like, what's what the fuck is wrong with your jaw?

[259] So you learn these things, watching people say, oh, I see how you do.

[260] he's leaning backward he's holding his head up see my wife correcting you one time too my wife shot said you know what every photo you take you're tall for some reason i don't know if you do this too you're tall guy do you have a reason of going down to people like yeah oh my god every time someone posts a photo of me online that i took with them i'm going down to them my wife said why you keep bending down to people you're fucking six three stand the fuck up.

[261] It's okay that they look short.

[262] It's okay.

[263] You're tall.

[264] Yeah.

[265] And by the way, it's all like well -intentioned and it just, it's not the right way to go.

[266] Your wife is right.

[267] Just be you, be in the photo, and that's that.

[268] All right.

[269] How did you get a job as a writer on S &L?

[270] You started there in 2003.

[271] And I know your story, you went to Norfolk in Virginia.

[272] You studied engineering.

[273] I know you sold fire extinguishers door to door, which is hilarious.

[274] I know you You are a perfumer.

[275] How do you end up writing on S &L?

[276] I auditioned for my second time.

[277] The first time I auditioned, it was kind of like, you know, you do the comic strip.

[278] They do these comic clubs and they set up an audition.

[279] For my first time, I ever went.

[280] I actually was in the same audition as Tracy Morgan.

[281] Tracy.

[282] I forgot who else was doing that.

[283] There's a bunch of us on that first audition I ever did.

[284] I didn't make that one.

[285] So then in 03, 04, I ended up auditioning again.

[286] Now, this time, I made it all the way to NBC Test.

[287] It was myself, Phinez Mitchell, and Kenan Thompson remaining.

[288] It was the three of us.

[289] Wow.

[290] You got Lorne and all the writers in the stands.

[291] Really quick, O3, Seth is there, Tina's there.

[292] Tina's there.

[293] Everybody.

[294] Oh, man, what a great group of writers.

[295] And the cast was amazing.

[296] really an amazing, amazing place to be.

[297] And then I auditioned, left New York, came back to L .A., and then I got a phone call.

[298] I think Lauren called me. And he said, J .B., you like you a lot.

[299] Unfortunately, we ended up going with Finesh and Keenan.

[300] I said, oh, okay, it's all good.

[301] I said, those are my guys.

[302] See, that's my one thing about me is, man, you got to truly believe in what you do in order for opportunities to pass because you know that you're going to get another at bat and you're just waiting to hit the right pitch and sometimes that it's not the pitch.

[303] And I tell people all the time, I tell young people the same thing.

[304] Wait for your pitch.

[305] It's so hard, though.

[306] Don't swing at everything because you look silly swinging at everything and when you take everything, you tarnish what you have built because you're taking everything and you're taking the wrong things.

[307] And if you're not going to put 200 % into that thing, it's not going to be worth it.

[308] So what I did was, when he called me and said, he ended up going with them, and then he said, would you like to come in as a writer?

[309] And me, not having any writing experience, I'm a straight stand -up.

[310] I said, you know what, this will look great on my resume.

[311] That's all I thought about was future.

[312] Dude, the pedigree of having written on S &L, you're going to work.

[313] You'll work.

[314] Fuck, yeah.

[315] Now you can get in and say, see the inner workings of this.

[316] So I got in there, man, I'll tell you something.

[317] I had four jobs when I worked at Essen now.

[318] I was a writer.

[319] I did warm up for two seasons.

[320] I was in monologues all the time, sketches here and there.

[321] And then Conan was still at NBC.

[322] So Conan was a few stories down doing his show.

[323] And he found out I'm upstairs writing.

[324] He's, oh shit, J .B's upstairs?

[325] I get a phone call to come down.

[326] I must have done Conan on camera as a writer on SNL.

[327] I must have done Conan 11 times.

[328] You could call Lauren's office and say, can we borrow J .B?

[329] And Norman call my office, my room.

[330] Conan needs you downstairs.

[331] You're going to do a sketch.

[332] Go down there and do a sketch and come back upstairs.

[333] Oh, cool.

[334] Come back upstairs.

[335] That's where you work.

[336] And finish writing.

[337] I said, okay, go.

[338] I mean, that's exciting.

[339] You know, to be able to go downstairs and get on camera When you're sitting behind a computer as an actor -comedian, shit.

[340] I very much remember you in those sketches.

[341] They were very memorable, and you stood out.

[342] Yeah, it's like Conan recognized Bob Villa was two stories up.

[343] And it was like, oh, we got a leak.

[344] Get Bob Villa down here.

[345] He's just sitting up there.

[346] So for me, it made sense on so many levels.

[347] Now, this is how all this works.

[348] Me and Conan became good friends from doing sketches on his show.

[349] And then after I left S &L, I ended up being on his show, shit.

[350] I must have done as a guest on his show another goddamn 10 times.

[351] And then I end up getting a podcast through Conan.

[352] So I say that because you plant these seeds and you don't even know you're planting.

[353] We got to talk about curb because, first of all, you're so fucking amazing on that show.

[354] I mean, my God, you're so great.

[355] What does it like to be on a show for 14 years?

[356] Well, you count years.

[357] You recount seasons came in season six.

[358] It is now season 11.

[359] But 2007 till 21.

[360] 2007 to 21.

[361] It's the years.

[362] Now, Larry did take five years off.

[363] So that's got to be a little asterisk next to that shit.

[364] Like, it was my favorite show before I even got on the show.

[365] Yeah.

[366] And I go back again to planting these goddamn scenes.

[367] The first thing I ever did when I started doing stand.

[368] end up was I took an improv class at the old improv comedy club in New York on 44th and 9th.

[369] I took a class there.

[370] Marty Friedman was my teacher.

[371] Now, Marty Freeman was from SCTV.

[372] I used to fucking love SCTV.

[373] Funny it's shit ever, right?

[374] Ended up taking his class for that summer.

[375] Right after my class was over, that club closed down for good.

[376] It was a rap.

[377] So I took that little improv, C, put that in my little toolbox.

[378] And then years later, I loved Curb.

[379] I was working at SNL.

[380] I didn't get renewed my fourth season.

[381] And then you know, I'm on the show that I love.

[382] I told my wife, I said, I would love to be on this show one day.

[383] And my wife told me, you're going to be on that show one day because I can see you and Larry together.

[384] I see it vividly.

[385] You say crazy stuff.

[386] This show is crazy.

[387] You know how great you guys would be together?

[388] It's a perfect odd couple.

[389] I have a theory though.

[390] It's exactly what we've been talking about, which is you and I and Monica feel very compelled to do the right thing, what is expected of us.

[391] And you do it better than I do it.

[392] And Monica does it probably better than I do it.

[393] But whatever.

[394] Larry is wish fulfillment.

[395] He's like, what if I got to just tell the person on the cruise ship, why don't you suck a dick?

[396] I'm eating.

[397] How about this is a plan?

[398] You suck a dick and I'll continue eating.

[399] Like, that's what your id wants to do.

[400] And so Larry is so fun to watch because he's virtually moving through the world like that.

[401] It's the greatest thing ever.

[402] And I bet it's fun for you to be on the show where you get to, like, you get to act the way that you would never let yourself act in real life.

[403] You never do that shit in real life, man. My character gives Larry good, bad advice.

[404] Meaning, it sounds logical, but it's not.

[405] Yeah.

[406] Your character, I've known many people like your character, which is you can have the gift.

[407] gift of verbiage without being smart.

[408] It's weird.

[409] Like there are dudes who have got a great vocabulary and they can spin yarns.

[410] But if you really listen to what they're saying, you're like, what the fuck did he just say?

[411] That's a worst idea I ever heard.

[412] And that's what your character is.

[413] Like you can put it together rapid fire.

[414] You've got the words for it.

[415] It's only later where you're like, well, that didn't add up to anything.

[416] And it's like improvising is so in the moment.

[417] It's like you're in this place.

[418] And sometimes the words just come.

[419] come to you.

[420] Once you know your character, you will only say what your character would say.

[421] I was just going to say, I have a couple characters, like Frito from Idiocracy.

[422] This sounds so lofty, but it's the fucking truth.

[423] He knows things I don't know.

[424] Like, if I start talking in that voice, he knows words I don't use.

[425] He knows.

[426] Like, isn't that the most fun?

[427] It's so fun.

[428] It's so fun, man. traveling in that dude's car and just like people ask me all the time about the leon character and i say i only say stuff that leon would say and you can almost probably j b can observe leon talking right like like when i used to do frito a lot i'd be like oh my god what's he fucking said right like i really felt that way yes it's got to be so fun to hear yourself be leon and go like Oh, goodness.

[429] Wow, that's...

[430] I think I could interview him.

[431] I think I could interview this dude because, of course, we have some cadence here and there.

[432] Of course, I have a certain delivery.

[433] But you take that character, and that character has his own unique voice, his own thoughts.

[434] You say shit that only he would say.

[435] And it works, it works, man. And you could almost not sit down and write it.

[436] Yeah, right, right, right.

[437] In that wild?

[438] Like, I can't really necessarily write that, but, yeah, it's wild.

[439] You can speak in his voice, candidly in his voice, and shit will come to you.

[440] Like, it's nothing because you're actually tapping into that character.

[441] And you can say shit all day.

[442] For me, that's how it started is my best friend, Aaron and I have a bunch of shared characters.

[443] And we would just live in those voices for like eight hours a day.

[444] I'm trying to think how long I could do Leon straight.

[445] One time we did the scene where I was telling Larry, because he was dating my sister in season one.

[446] And what happened was she ended up getting sick, right?

[447] And they couldn't have sex no more.

[448] So I was giving Larry that because I know how hard it must be for you to stay at my sister and knowing you can't tap that shit no more.

[449] You are going to me. My sister's sick, Larry.

[450] She's fucking sick, you know?

[451] You can't have sex with her no more.

[452] And Larry's face keeps changing, like, he's realizing that he's got to break up with her because he can't have sex with her no more.

[453] You know what I mean?

[454] I must have did 15 minutes straight of praising him saying they're going to put a fucking statue of him in the center of the city you're going to be dry dick man because you're just silly but you can do that in your character because your character has no rules he has no chill button and he never has to pay the bill yes yeah it's great liberating it's like the thing Larry does see I got a rule I got rules when I work with Larry one thing is I make sure I give Larry something he didn't know about Leon because what that does is that creates more forks in the road he doesn't have an origin you don't know where the fuck he came from all you know is he shows up season six his sister's there and he made himself at home and didn't fucking leave that's all you know about him but if I keep giving Larry little tidbits of information for where I came from I'm bringing him to life, which in turn creates more segues, more forks in the road, more branches to him that you can use at another time.

[455] That's why I do a lot of quotable lines that I can always pull up again.

[456] I'm getting that ass.

[457] One time I was in New Orleans shooting a film.

[458] My wife had flew out to New Orleans, right?

[459] So we went to a restaurant.

[460] I'm helping her in the car.

[461] somebody did a drive -by and said, get in that ass, Larry, and they fucking drove.

[462] I look up, I said, who the fuck said that?

[463] They drove by and just said, getting that ass Larry.

[464] So quotable stuff like that is able to be recycled because you have gotten this stink on the character that that's him.

[465] Yeah.

[466] And dudes, like your character do have like 12 go -toes and you hear him nonstop.

[467] It's not like that's not grounded.

[468] Right, you're grounded in the character.

[469] Now, Monica was on the show this year, and I've never been more jealous.

[470] I had two lines.

[471] I don't know if it got cut out or it didn't, but yeah, I got to be on it.

[472] It was crazy.

[473] Thank you.

[474] Isn't it so unique?

[475] Oh, yes.

[476] Oh, and see, when you're doing lines, you get one time to do it, it's kind of gone.

[477] You don't get the same energy behind it.

[478] You don't get the same punch behind it.

[479] Yeah.

[480] You say some shit for the first time.

[481] If I get him on his heels, he's laughing, sometimes I change it.

[482] One time he got mad at me because he thought he figured it out, right?

[483] He stopped laughing the next two takes.

[484] I said, okay, he thinks he's figured this shit out.

[485] So I thought of a new line.

[486] I'm going to tell you something, man, almost made snot come out of his nose.

[487] That's how fucking funny this shit was.

[488] And then the producers got mad at him because he fucking takes up.

[489] And he said, he, he, he, he changed it.

[490] He changed it Stay tuned for more Armchair expert If you dare What's up guys This your girl Kiki And my podcast is back with a new season And let me tell you It's too good And I'm diving into the brains Of entertainment's best and brightest Okay every episode I bring on a friend And have a real conversation And I don't mean just friends I mean the likes of Amy Polar Kel Mitchell Vivica Fox The list goes on So follow, watch and listen And so, baby, this is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[491] We've all been there.

[492] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[493] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[494] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[495] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[496] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Balin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[497] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[498] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[499] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[500] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[501] I got to ask you a question.

[502] I know you're not.

[503] not allowed to answer, but I don't see if you can skate around it.

[504] Is he a grouchy motherfucker?

[505] Like, is he a guy that you just respect so much that you're allowed to, like, you can be around him and you just have ultimate patience for the fact that he is a grumpy motherfucker?

[506] You know what?

[507] There's two Larry's.

[508] There's TV Larry and then there's Real Larry.

[509] Now, TV Larry has some shit with him.

[510] And then Real Larry got some shit with him.

[511] But there's two different shits, you know what I'm saying?

[512] It's two different things.

[513] Of course, he turns it up for TV.

[514] But Larry is so genuine.

[515] He's so Larry.

[516] You know what's kind of remind me up when I worked at S &M?

[517] And people would talk about how they're intimidated by Lorne.

[518] Now, when I first got there, I think I was a little bit.

[519] Because you've been in SNL, you know how those long -ass hallways.

[520] When you go down to the studio level, this fucking hallway goes like the end of that shit, like the matrix.

[521] It's like a block because the building takes up a whole block.

[522] One time, this is the most uncomfortable shit.

[523] When you turn that corner, right, and you hit down the hallway, the next elevator is all the way a block away.

[524] So one time, Lauren turned the corner to come down the hallway.

[525] Now, look, that's a long walk looking at each other, yeah.

[526] Toward somebody.

[527] It's too long.

[528] Holy shit.

[529] It's like, you're walking, they're walking.

[530] You're walking, they're walking.

[531] You're walking, they're walking.

[532] You're like, holy shit.

[533] And knew what I did?

[534] I ain't a lot, man. I fucking abandoned shit.

[535] I just like, I knew that at the halfway point, it was a fucking bathroom.

[536] So I made a hard -ass left into that goddamn bathroom at the halfway point.

[537] I just wave and cut it to the bathroom and shit.

[538] You know, I didn't give a fuck.

[539] It was a lady's room or a men's room.

[540] I didn't give a fuck.

[541] I couldn't do it.

[542] It's too much.

[543] But after a while, I got real comfortable.

[544] And I could talk to him about shit.

[545] He knew Marty Friedman, my improv guy.

[546] I'm going to guess that he liked you a bunch because someone who knew him super duper well said to me, you know, he's really attracted to people who are just comfortable in their own skin.

[547] I thought that was an interesting observation and you obviously are like the apex of feeling comfortable in your own skin.

[548] You know what I say?

[549] I use this term all the time.

[550] And this is the perfect term to use whether it's out loud or in your head.

[551] But I learned to show my ass.

[552] You know what I mean?

[553] No. Shorn your ass means this.

[554] You go in that motherfucker and you take over.

[555] You drive until they tell you, let me drive.

[556] Until they tell you, slow the fuck down.

[557] You come in here, you come in high, and then allow them to pull you back.

[558] You know exactly how to pull back.

[559] What you don't know is when they tell you, can you turn it up, you don't know how to turn it up.

[560] No one does.

[561] You know how to turn it down a little bit.

[562] You know how to lower your voice, your attitude, you know how to turn it down a little bit.

[563] So that's kind of been my formula.

[564] I'm consistently showing my ass because it's easy to show your ass and them tell you, put your pants up a little bit.

[565] You know how to pull your pants up a little bit.

[566] But if somebody said, put your pants down a little bit.

[567] Yeah, you're like all the way?

[568] Yeah.

[569] To your ankles.

[570] You look like a six -year -old peeing at the urinal.

[571] Right.

[572] They say, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[573] Not to your ankles.

[574] I didn't mean to your ankles.

[575] I want to crack.

[576] To me, that's the only way to move in your life because you have engaged to play with.

[577] Now you're presenting a brand that is uniquely yours and you get those, like we talked about, you get those fucking swings, man. You get additional swings because you have a bunch of pitchers who want to throw that ball to you.

[578] Okay, I got two quick questions before we talk about, may I elaborate?

[579] One is just like a personal curiosity, which is I love your comedians and cars.

[580] I rewatched it again today.

[581] Comedians in Cars getting coffee with Seinfeld.

[582] Now, what we were just talking about comfortable in your own skin.

[583] Generally, I'm probably overly confident my own skin.

[584] Two times have I like short -circuited.

[585] One was talking to Snoop Dog long ago.

[586] And just mid -conversation, I'm like, I've never been so aware of how fucking white I sound and it's starting to drive me crazy.

[587] I sound like that white guy in an 80s black guy routine like, oh, I'm Snoop Dog.

[588] on your third album and I was just like I can't even be in this conversation I feel like a fucking punky okay that was one time and then the second time was with Seinfeld just because I can usually unplug from the status you know like I can usually trick my brain into going like oh this is a dude I couldn't be unaware of the the huge comedy status and I just wasn't really myself when I communicated with him and I was just wondering was that stressful for you to be on that meetings and cars?

[589] No. As open if that interview was, Jerry is very, what's the word?

[590] He's a counterpuncher, I noticed.

[591] Like, you'll say something, and his kind of comedy is to be contrary to what you just said.

[592] Yes.

[593] Here's our I go when I'm talking to people like Jerry Seinfeld, or Larry, or whoever, people who I love and respect.

[594] I watch their eyebrows.

[595] I look them in the eyebrows.

[596] Because the eyebrows control certain emotions.

[597] The eyebrows.

[598] I look.

[599] Look them in the eyebrows.

[600] Look them in the eyebrows.

[601] Son, when you meet a man, look straight in the eyebrows.

[602] Yeah.

[603] No. When you're trying to sell something, when you're trying to sell yourself, when you're trying to sell an idea, you look the person in their eyebrows.

[604] Because that shows interest, that shows like, get the fuck out of here, get that bullshit.

[605] My eyebrows move a ton of ways.

[606] And the eyebrows tell everything.

[607] That's the window into the soul.

[608] you.

[609] I promise you.

[610] You're going to remember me saying this shit, right?

[611] I'm gonna.

[612] You're gonna talk to someone and you're gonna look them in the eyebrows and you're gonna say, oh shit, J .B's right.

[613] This dude can give a book about what I'm saying to him right now.

[614] Stop, stop, stop.

[615] The next book you write has to be titled, look them in the eyebrows.

[616] It's so ridiculous.

[617] Yo, I always, I always say that.

[618] I'm telling you right now.

[619] I believe you.

[620] I believe you.

[621] The eyebrows never lie.

[622] When they both go to fuck up, that means, oh, okay.

[623] I see.

[624] I see what you're doing here.

[625] I agree with you.

[626] Like, you play jazz.

[627] And if you go in there and try to play classical with him, you're going to suck.

[628] You don't know how to play classical.

[629] And when I met him, I have a different rhythm and cadence as well than he does.

[630] But I think I was so deferential.

[631] I was like, oh, I'm going to try to play opera with him.

[632] And I don't know how to.

[633] Yeah, that's exactly what it is, man. So here's what you got to do.

[634] You got to play your own instrument.

[635] You got to play an instrument he's never heard before.

[636] Yeah.

[637] And trust that there's like no disrespect for doing your shit.

[638] Stand -up comedians, we could meet another stand -up comedian that we've never met in our life.

[639] And somehow it'll feel as though we've known each other forever because we love the give and take.

[640] But I didn't meet Jerry until after I did the curb season.

[641] where we had the Seinfeld season.

[642] And then he invited me to do the marriage ref. I met him backstage.

[643] But that was only two times I ever met Jerry.

[644] I'm just going to mention this.

[645] You're in the new Spider -Man coming out, which is fucking awesome.

[646] I hope you get to do six of those.

[647] Or did they kill you?

[648] Did they kill you?

[649] No, no. Oh, good, good, good, good.

[650] I got my foot in both universes.

[651] I know, DC and Marvel.

[652] You bet on red and black.

[653] Yeah, I did.

[654] I got my foot in both universes.

[655] right now.

[656] The Harley Quinn stuff.

[657] I got another voice.

[658] I haven't even talked about.

[659] I might not even talk about it yet, but I had another voice I just did on another animated show.

[660] That shit announces.

[661] That's fun too.

[662] But that Spider -Man stuff is great, man. Yeah.

[663] And another seed.

[664] This started with me doing a commercial with Tom Holland for Audi.

[665] He was promoting Spider -Man Homecoming.

[666] And we hit it off.

[667] We had a great time talking.

[668] And then a fucking less than a year later, I'm fucking doing the fucking movie.

[669] So you plant that little seed.

[670] You knew what time was?

[671] He was that fucking dude in first class and talked to me all the way to fucking New York.

[672] And a much less impressive level, you and I were in a music video together.

[673] We spent the whole day together.

[674] And I'm like, I love this dude.

[675] Man, little do you know you're one of my dudes and we haven't even hung out like that.

[676] But I fucking love you.

[677] I've always fucking loved you.

[678] And every time I see something about you, I'm like, man, me and this dude should hang out because look him.

[679] He got a Lincoln.

[680] I got a fucking Lincoln.

[681] We're fucking both tall, long, and lean and shit.

[682] We've both got some kind of characters in our fucking faces.

[683] All this shit makes sense.

[684] It does.

[685] It does.

[686] It totally does.

[687] Okay, let's talk about May I elaborate.

[688] Daily Wisdom from J .B. Smooth.

[689] Yes.

[690] This is fun.

[691] The last season of Curb.

[692] What I did was I did something called Leon's guided meditation to promote Curb.

[693] Yeah.

[694] That season 10.

[695] And fun shit to do.

[696] me just taking three to five minutes just giving some zen shit in my character and I did three of them this is something that I feel like I do all the time anyway is just say these weird metaphors and playing around so then I did Conan again just promoting stuff and then he ended up calling me back and people saying hey would J .B. considered doing a podcast segment on the show and I said yeah I'd be cool the idea was because I did it in that interview I was giving Conan advice and doing these positive affirmations and I always do it with him all the time every appearance on his show I find some about him and I pull it out of him and this time they said how about this idea you're doing these positive affirmations and you take them and you over -explain them in your way I said oh shit I do that all goddamn thing yeah yeah that's what it is we take these positive affirmation calendars and you know these things like shit 365 pages of shit of just fucking quote I take those I'll do like one or two bullet points but the rest I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna say which it gives me a perfect playground to just improvise and have fun within these positive affirmations because people, they read them but sometimes they don't get them it is literally easily 70 % off the top of my head and then my good friend Miles who's my writing partner Miles is my co -host And what we do is he takes everything I say.

[697] Because, no, I go far left.

[698] And he'll take it and reel it in.

[699] Like, I'll say, climb in someone's window because you're giving them something.

[700] And he'll say, no, I wouldn't do that.

[701] And he'll just counter me with real shit that you ain't supposed to do.

[702] So it's kind of like that.

[703] He's straight man in it.

[704] He's straight man in it, man. But funny.

[705] So it works perfectly.

[706] And it's a daily show.

[707] it's dailies, five days a week.

[708] And I already say, it's five days a week.

[709] I'll get people the weekend to fuck up.

[710] And then I unfuck them up on Monday.

[711] And how long are they?

[712] It's like 10 to 15 minutes long.

[713] Oh, that's perfect.

[714] That's perfect.

[715] Like if you're on your way to work and you want to giggle on your way in, your little commute, that's perfect.

[716] And you want clarity on something.

[717] And a lot of these quotes are amazing.

[718] They are deep thoughts, man. You probably accidentally stumble into some profound shit, not intentionally.

[719] Oh, man, you'd be surprised.

[720] And we end up taking those things that I said.

[721] And those will be the title for the actual, for that episode, you know?

[722] Yeah.

[723] Well, listen, J .B., you're radical.

[724] Again, I love when you're on Stern.

[725] I wish you were on like once a month over there.

[726] Such a great interview.

[727] You were great here today.

[728] I want everyone to check out, may I elaborate, daily wisdom from J .B. Smooth.

[729] Sounds like comedy the daily.

[730] Yes, man. So if your jam is to laugh on the way to work instead of get depressed, check out, may I elaborate?

[731] While you're on a ride to work, let me take you on another ride.

[732] We're riding two cars at the same time.

[733] All right, man. Well, good luck with everything.

[734] I adore you.

[735] So fun to get to chat with you.

[736] I love you, man. Let's put those stanking Lincolns out sometime.

[737] Take a ride to coast, man. I'm with it.

[738] You've seen mine before, right?

[739] I showed you my right.

[740] Yeah, of course.

[741] Of course.

[742] Oh, I love them.

[743] That's my era, man, see?

[744] Woo!

[745] Put that seat back and ride, man. Ride, man. Ride.

[746] Put a nice crisp white shirt on.

[747] Get a cigar and a fucking hat.

[748] Ride up PCH, man. You got to put a white shirt on.

[749] You got a white dress shirt on.

[750] I got a vent tis better, yeah.

[751] I just get in the car, but I should have an outfit.

[752] A Sunday drive.

[753] Sunday drive look, you know?

[754] Yeah, yeah.

[755] As if I'm coming home from church, even though I didn't go.

[756] Yeah, you put it.

[757] All right.

[758] All right.

[759] We'll talk to you soon.

[760] Y 'all be good.

[761] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[762] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[763] After eight years of friendship, we just discovered something new about one another.

[764] What?

[765] We both have the same ham habits.

[766] Mmm.

[767] We're eating a croissant with ham and cheese.

[768] And we both acknowledge we really love it when it's thinly sliced, but stack sky high.

[769] So much of it, but it has to be thin.

[770] Thin?

[771] Paper thin.

[772] It's really crazy how ham can be delicious when it's paper thin.

[773] And so -so when you get a big chunk of ham.

[774] Like, I don't want a half -inch thick slicing ham.

[775] I'm not like, not to throw any.

[776] Ham under the bun.

[777] Ham under the bus.

[778] Ham shade.

[779] But like Honey -baked isn't my first.

[780] fave because of that.

[781] Like, the taste is good.

[782] I'm just not so into, like, a thicker.

[783] I've always wanted to get one of those industrial slicers.

[784] They're so scary.

[785] I mostly fell in love with them over at Arby's when I was a kid.

[786] I'd watch them shave that ham.

[787] Yeah.

[788] And the roast beef.

[789] That's a thin.

[790] That's a very thin.

[791] That roast beast is paper thin.

[792] Yeah.

[793] I love it.

[794] You know who else makes the very best, thinnest ham?

[795] Who?

[796] Jersey Mikes.

[797] Oh, yeah.

[798] J .M. I get the ham sandwich.

[799] there and I get extra meat.

[800] So do I. So it's a ton of ham, very thin.

[801] They'll give you two and a half, three inches of meat piled up sometimes.

[802] You get the right person making that sam.

[803] Yeah.

[804] That's sub, sorry.

[805] Sure.

[806] It's not a sandwich.

[807] It's a sub.

[808] It's a subway sandwich.

[809] It's a subway sandwich by drinking much.

[810] This is our last fact check, not exclusively at Spotify.

[811] Not to say anything will be any different whatsoever.

[812] I can't imagine.

[813] Except maybe I'll get like even more exclusive, like in more limited a dish.

[814] More inside scoop, more tasty.

[815] Yeah, like secret tips.

[816] Yeah, only safe for the Spotify feed.

[817] Wow.

[818] Yeah.

[819] I look forward to it.

[820] You know, I got panicked because my chef.

[821] Your personal chef.

[822] My personal chef, Alison Roman, God, I wish.

[823] She made all my meals.

[824] Oh, wow.

[825] Oh, my God.

[826] Don't you think an inherent problem in that is that could you appreciate them if you were getting them every meal?

[827] Yeah, because she cooks different stuff.

[828] That's true.

[829] I drink about 600 Diet Cokes every day and each one I crack open does taste as good as anyone I've ever had.

[830] Really?

[831] Yeah.

[832] I kind of feel that with macha.

[833] Yeah.

[834] It's still delish.

[835] Yeah, I'm with you.

[836] There's a product heavy episode.

[837] We've just been pushing product from the intro now to into the fact check.

[838] You're right.

[839] Mercedes, makers of fine audio.

[840] Sure.

[841] So she does these home movies every Tuesday.

[842] That's why I get these recipes.

[843] She posts videos every Tuesday of her making an awesome dish.

[844] And on the last one, she said like the season was over and I panicked.

[845] So I was like, what does that mean?

[846] I have to wait months before I'm going to get new recipes every week.

[847] And I was panicking, panicking.

[848] And I didn't know what to do.

[849] And I almost like had to DM her and tell her like, you can't do that to me. Oh, sure, sure.

[850] Yeah.

[851] Yeah.

[852] But it looks like they're coming back next week.

[853] Oh, he's a total false alarm.

[854] Why did she even say that?

[855] Well, who knows?

[856] I don't know.

[857] She has her reasons.

[858] Well, you know, since this is our last fact check before the move, I wouldn't mind doing a little light housekeeping.

[859] Oh, let's.

[860] One is we'll have a lot of different sponsors as we go over there.

[861] Yeah.

[862] And we've just had so many great sponsors over the last three and a half years.

[863] And I'm so grateful for them all.

[864] Me too.

[865] We've been so kindly supported by so many great companies, and I'm grateful for that.

[866] Also, David Raphael, who is the one who has always brought those great partnerships to us.

[867] And Nina.

[868] And Nina, I'm so grateful for both of them.

[869] And also, Billy, who we don't talk about, one of our editors.

[870] I just want to say that Billy is a tremendous editor and we're very, very grateful to have him.

[871] He'll stay with us over at Spotify.

[872] That's right.

[873] Again, nothing's changing.

[874] While we were acknowledging unsung heroes, I thought we should talk about Billy a little bit.

[875] Yeah.

[876] And of course, wabiwob.

[877] Of course, of course.

[878] And Laura, the whole gang.

[879] Go ahead and keep listening to people.

[880] Just random names.

[881] Bill, Mike, Pete, Gale, Sarah.

[882] I got that off my chest.

[883] Great.

[884] What else has been going on?

[885] Well, I mean, you had a big week.

[886] We all had a big week.

[887] We shot 10 episodes of a new game show called Family Game Fight, Chris and I. And it was super fun and absolutely bonkers.

[888] I mean, work -wise.

[889] You guys had the craziest.

[890] stuff happened to you.

[891] In 20 years of being employed in show business, this has got to be tied for one of the hardest weeks I've ever had.

[892] Wow.

[893] Because we were shooting until one in the morning.

[894] There were moments where we got buckets of iced water dumped on our head at the hour 17 marker of working.

[895] That's asking a lot.

[896] Yeah.

[897] And then, you know, with any new show, you're figuring out all these things as you go.

[898] So there's all these on the fly adjustments.

[899] It was just, it's crazy.

[900] It's an energy output like none other.

[901] Yeah, you guys did great.

[902] It's going to be a really fun show.

[903] And everyone should check it out.

[904] It's coming out in summer.

[905] August 11th.

[906] And we finished last night at 11 p .m. And now here we are to our real job.

[907] Yeah.

[908] Might as well shout this out too.

[909] Reminder that Monica and Jess applications are up.

[910] They're probably going to close pretty soon.

[911] How many applications do you have so far?

[912] I don't know.

[913] I've been staying out of it.

[914] on purpose, so I don't get in my head.

[915] Okay.

[916] But last week, Rob did say, like, are we of 250?

[917] Of course.

[918] Everyone wants to date you.

[919] No. For people who don't know this, we talk about it sometimes.

[920] I have about six friends who text me pretty regularly just to update me on love they are with you.

[921] One friend.

[922] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, who else else.

[923] Who else?

[924] You have secrets over there?

[925] Someone with a verified account.

[926] Some doctor yesterday.

[927] Last night, when I got home, I was scrolling through Sohmead, some verified doctor was like, please DM me so we can talk about getting Monica the right man, clearly himself.

[928] Oh, no. Probably not.

[929] Wait, was it, it wasn't Vivek?

[930] No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

[931] Because, you know, he tried to set me. I know.

[932] So cute.

[933] We're a fellow Indian, right?

[934] Mm -hmm.

[935] But he didn't live in L .A. So just if you're in L .A., L .A. proper.

[936] Preferably on the east side.

[937] Preferably on the east side.

[938] And if you're...

[939] Preferably on the 4 ,900 block of Franklin Avenue.

[940] Apply.

[941] It's going to be a really fun journey.

[942] Somebody was asking me the other day, like, do you have episodes kind of, like, laid out?

[943] And we do?

[944] And they're going to be really, really fun, I think.

[945] So if you want to date Jess or I, please apply.

[946] Or if you know someone who you think will be great, encourage them to apply.

[947] It's going to be fun.

[948] Can I ask you potentially dicey question?

[949] Sure.

[950] You always will.

[951] Well, no. If you tell me you're not in the mood for a dicey question, I would happy to not ask.

[952] You can.

[953] Could you think of a criteria, like a critical mass, where you would believe a ton of people are in love with you.

[954] I think thousands and thousands of people like you.

[955] Well, what do we mean like?

[956] They like you.

[957] So you and I have debated this before.

[958] I could see your point if you were playing a doctor on television and that's how people knew you.

[959] Because you could go, they don't even know who I am.

[960] They like this character.

[961] Anyone who likes you from the show knows exactly who you are.

[962] Yeah, I agree.

[963] They like you.

[964] But they like me. That doesn't mean they're in love with me. I mean, I like a ton of people on podcasts and stuff.

[965] That doesn't mean I'm in love with them.

[966] I'm saying the way you felt about Matt and Ben, people would feel about you.

[967] Oh, no, I don't think that's true.

[968] But what would it take?

[969] I'm trying to back you into, I guess, it's kind of like the money thing, right?

[970] Or you go like, I would feel safe if I had X amount of money.

[971] If you don't decide what that is, how do you know that you've arrived?

[972] The thing is, I don't mean.

[973] need a city full of people to be in love with me. Right.

[974] I just need one person to be in love with me that I'm in love with.

[975] So I don't have this thing like, well, I guess I do a little bit have like, I want everyone to love me. We all do.

[976] But yeah, I think that's just human.

[977] Yeah.

[978] I don't think I have, especially when it comes to like being in love, I don't have a thing where I'm like, I want.

[979] You don't get infatuated with people you meet in real life very often, right?

[980] Almost never.

[981] Right, right.

[982] That's part of the issue.

[983] Yeah, just professors and...

[984] Yeah.

[985] Oh, my God.

[986] Is Eric Covington applied?

[987] Holy shit.

[988] He doesn't live in L .A., I don't think.

[989] He'd move here for you.

[990] Somebody did ask, like, can it be out of state?

[991] If they're willing to move.

[992] I said that in the intro.

[993] I said, no, no bullshit, I'll move here.

[994] That's too much presch.

[995] This is opening a big can of, We love worms.

[996] So on the game show, one of the stylists, and he's gay, he was talking about him going on a date, a couple dates with a guy.

[997] And they were liking each other.

[998] It was going well.

[999] And then the person came out to him as trans.

[1000] And he, you know, struggled because he's very woke and he wants everyone to be who they are but he was like but I like penises yeah yeah and I feel bad but this is like this all gets so complicated yeah I don't think you can feel bad about what you don't like yeah I don't think that's fair like I don't like pickled herring I don't feel bad about but then it gets into like I would feel bad if someone was like I just do not like Indian girls ever Oh.

[1001] You know, like if they just blanketly.

[1002] But when black girls aren't attracted to white guys, that's fine.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] I get, yeah.

[1005] I mean.

[1006] You know, you don't, you're not picking what you're attracted to.

[1007] It feels, it feels worse when, again, it feels worse when it's like the marginalized group is the one that you're deciding you don't like as a whole.

[1008] Because there's something tied into it of like, oh, that's other.

[1009] It's tricky.

[1010] I mean, I totally agree with you.

[1011] Like I said, no, you can't feel bad about that, especially in a sexual relationship.

[1012] You can't fake it.

[1013] Yeah.

[1014] Like, you got to be a, you got to be attractive.

[1015] You can't intellectualize that.

[1016] I don't think you can apply a moral position to what's going to get you sexually attracted.

[1017] Yeah.

[1018] It doesn't work that way.

[1019] It was just an interesting conversation.

[1020] and I could feel like he felt really guilty.

[1021] And then I started thinking about it.

[1022] And I was like, yeah, I mean, I see all the layers here.

[1023] Yeah, there's so many layers.

[1024] I mean, you can feel bummed that you're not attracted to someone who you get along great with.

[1025] Yeah.

[1026] But you don't need the weight of morality or transphobia or homophobia or any of these things.

[1027] Like, I'm not homophobic because I'm not attracted to dudes.

[1028] Right.

[1029] That's just not true.

[1030] Exactly.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] That's true.

[1033] That happens to me all the time in cis -heterosexual dynamic.

[1034] Like, I'm not attracted to plenty of people I get along great with.

[1035] Yeah.

[1036] Yeah, it was just an interesting conversation.

[1037] That is.

[1038] There was some exchange.

[1039] I don't know where I consume this, but there was a trans woman who was calling men not attracted to her transphobic.

[1040] And then I was happy to see another trans woman came out and said, that's basically the same thing as the straight guys who told lesbians bullshit you're attracted to men you just haven't had the right one or something like no right no one gets to tell anyone what they're attracted to yeah that's true it's very you can't say one person should be open and the other person yeah anyway anyway apply to Monica no love very some any who season two okay J .B Yeah J .B's move one I don't have very many facts okay In fact, I only have one.

[1041] Oh.

[1042] Does it make you nervous when you say J .B. Smooth?

[1043] It makes me nervous.

[1044] Because...

[1045] The same way 50 cent can be...

[1046] Right.

[1047] Well, yeah, that's...

[1048] For 50 cent, I say 50 cents.

[1049] But he calls himself 50 cents.

[1050] Of course.

[1051] So I'm trying to call him what he calls himself.

[1052] But I'm just going by spelling...

[1053] Yeah, but it does sound like your...

[1054] But like his name's really smooth.

[1055] But you're trying to be super down.

[1056] I know.

[1057] Well, that's what it sounds like, but it's spelled smooth.

[1058] It is.

[1059] Yeah, so I feel okay.

[1060] But it does give me a little shot of panic.

[1061] I know.

[1062] You know what I liked?

[1063] You know what?

[1064] Something that happened on the game show?

[1065] I was watching up in the room.

[1066] Control room.

[1067] Yep.

[1068] And there was a scenario.

[1069] There was a game where you had to write words.

[1070] Oh, yeah.

[1071] I'm not going to give too much detail.

[1072] Yeah, to describe rope, and you got to use one word to do it in five people.

[1073] Are we allowed to say this?

[1074] I think so.

[1075] Okay.

[1076] One word clue to help someone arrive at the word rope.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] So someone wrote, God, do you remember any of the other ones?

[1079] I don't.

[1080] Maybe climb or, you know.

[1081] Yeah.

[1082] And I wrote Noose.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] And that, in fact, was the one, the person that guessed who did guess rope correctly, they said that was the one that got them there.

[1085] Yeah.

[1086] But what I'm going to applaud you for, or not even not applaud you, But just as soon as you wrote it and you said it, you said, hmm, I don't know, this feels a little problematic.

[1087] Yeah.

[1088] And I think that is something maybe you wouldn't have done a couple of years ago.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] Well, I often say this, which is I've got to step over three or four first thoughts before I get to the thing that I want to be known for.

[1091] Like my kid screams in the kitchen.

[1092] my first thought is fuck i got to get up that's literally my first thought yeah uh b my next thought is like i know this is going to be nothing yeah right and then my third thought is like go comfort your child and i go do it yeah but but and by the way 99 % of the time i'm right i get there and it's it's horses yeah so yeah i my personal position is we cannot pretend there's not a word news it's a real item yeah it is a word unless they're going to rename news to a other word.

[1093] But still, it is an item on planet Earth that sometimes needs to be called by its name.

[1094] Right.

[1095] Those are my thoughts.

[1096] But I can do something that might mitigate someone's sadness, even though I don't agree.

[1097] In which case I did.

[1098] Yeah.

[1099] I re -recorded it and said, bless who.

[1100] I guess when I was watching it was happening, you had an instinct, which was actually I don't know.

[1101] Right.

[1102] And even though you have this like intellectual philosophy, which I agree with, I think you, emotionally there is something changing a little bit.

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] And I think maybe part of it has to do with these people we're talking to and all of these stories you're hearing.

[1106] And it's, I don't know.

[1107] I just, it's not worth it.

[1108] You know, it's one of those situations that's a popular saying in AA.

[1109] I'm sure it's a saying everywhere, which is like, would you rather be happy or right?

[1110] Yeah.

[1111] And basically I could have died on that hill and I probably, I could have refused to go say another clue.

[1112] And I probably could have got my way.

[1113] Yeah.

[1114] And I wouldn't have felt happy about it.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] I just thought it was good.

[1117] Well, thank you.

[1118] Another thing happened.

[1119] Did you see the other thing that happened?

[1120] Which one?

[1121] Category was like Wild West and you had to say as many words as quickly as possible.

[1122] So people are saying words really quick at this point.

[1123] Someone said Indians.

[1124] Oh.

[1125] Which, by the way, I could mountain arguments.

[1126] for, which is when you're talking about the Wild West, it was Cowboys and Indians.

[1127] It's no, you know, big riddle why someone thought that.

[1128] You're speaking so fast.

[1129] It's like no one has time to think.

[1130] Yes, it's lucky that those were the worst things that came out actually in a whole week.

[1131] But it ended, you know, everyone got to use those clues and everything.

[1132] And then just as soon as it ended, I said, hey, while we're here, maybe we'll just get him saying Native Americans.

[1133] So easy.

[1134] And that guy was like, good call.

[1135] the guy who said it.

[1136] He was like, good call.

[1137] Everyone's like, good call.

[1138] I was like, oh, good.

[1139] This is easy.

[1140] Yeah, I just feel like it's slowly moving into, instead of defensiveness, like, oh, yeah, all right.

[1141] Like, I didn't mean anything by it, but sure, if that's going to make someone feel a little better, why not?

[1142] Yeah, I got to say, man, the one that I'm evolving on, and who knows if it's in the right direction.

[1143] And I'm very hesitant to bring this up because I absolutely idolized the guy as I think we both do, Jonathan I'm reading coddling of the American mind.

[1144] And intellectually, the points are bulletproof.

[1145] He is so smart.

[1146] And what is at risk, in his opinion, is true.

[1147] The integrity of the university system, challenging beliefs, all those things.

[1148] They're very valid.

[1149] But I do also have this other voice now in my head that says, you're upset with their moral panic, but you are caught in a moral panic as well.

[1150] Exactly.

[1151] It is not probably the onslaught that they feel like it is.

[1152] I know.

[1153] You're going through these examples and it's like fringe.

[1154] I mean, really, I mean, mind you, there are horrific examples.

[1155] Evergreen.

[1156] There's all these really bad examples.

[1157] There's no question.

[1158] But how many are there?

[1159] Think about how many college classes happen every day in this country.

[1160] How many million kids are getting educated a year in the university system?

[1161] And is it really a problem?

[1162] I guess I kind of am having that evolution.

[1163] I said that at the beginning.

[1164] And I like that you're thinking that way.

[1165] Because I agree.

[1166] Like I'm listening to it just in a much different way than say when we interviewed him and he was telling it and it was candy to my point of view.

[1167] And now I'm just listening to it going like, yeah, man, I wouldn't dare.

[1168] I don't have the skill set to argue with him.

[1169] But I'm having this broader voice in my head that just goes, this isn't really a crisis.

[1170] Yeah.

[1171] And what's being gained far outweighs these pretty isolated events.

[1172] And those people look fucking idiotic.

[1173] Like when those clips break, like even those people that were involved in those cases, even now they're probably 29.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] They feel fucking stupid about the thing.

[1176] And they also were young kids with big emotions and trying to, you know, change the tide.

[1177] And that's all part of it too, you know.

[1178] Yeah.

[1179] There is definitely a bunch of fucking wackos out there.

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] But it is not consensus.

[1182] I agree.

[1183] It's the fringe left.

[1184] It's the fringe right.

[1185] Yeah.

[1186] It's not, I don't think we need to panic about it.

[1187] Yeah.

[1188] The other thing is that's like what I find to be a little counterintuitive is this idea that like, well, microaggressions are silly, like of the Jonathan Haidt philosophy is microaggressions aren't real and it intentions everything and this, that and the other.

[1189] While we are also in this like very intense, emotional.

[1190] learning spike?

[1191] Like, draw your feelings, color.

[1192] I'm like, well, you can't tell them to do that.

[1193] And then also tell these other people they can't be upset.

[1194] Yeah, I think the fear that people must have.

[1195] I mean, I'm like, I'm a third of the way through processing these thoughts that I have on it.

[1196] So I'll regret some of these.

[1197] But I will say, I try to imagine what's in the mind of the people that are afraid.

[1198] And I guess people are probably afraid that we're going to get so sensitive and weak that we actually can't function.

[1199] Yeah, and I, I, and that's a legit, like, concern.

[1200] Yeah.

[1201] But then another part of me is going, like, no, in fact, this trip on planet Earth is way fucking harder than anyone's ever acknowledged.

[1202] And it's out of fear of appearing week that we are afraid to talk about what we are all going through.

[1203] And one only look at the metrics to grade how well we're doing with all.

[1204] all this.

[1205] Well, we're hugely obese as a country.

[1206] We have the highest rate of heart disease.

[1207] We have the highest rate of liver disease.

[1208] We have the highest rate of cancer, alcoholism, drug addiction, opioid crisis.

[1209] Like, guess what?

[1210] We're already failing.

[1211] So if you think we're going to get so fragile that we're not going to be able to function, we're not functioning already.

[1212] Yeah.

[1213] So we might as well try this.

[1214] We might as well try this.

[1215] Like I get it.

[1216] For me, I often have a lot of knee jerky moments where I'm like, get over yourself, dude.

[1217] you can get through that.

[1218] But at the same time, like, I've, for the last three weeks, have been in a fucking, like, crazy cycle of getting triggered and completely out of control.

[1219] And I had to go to a hotel for two days last week.

[1220] And I had to.

[1221] Like, it was a...

[1222] And I'm sitting there going, like, no, this is real as fuck.

[1223] Like, as goofy as it sounds and as weak as I appear to be right now, it is so real.

[1224] If I stay in this other situation...

[1225] You're feeling of...

[1226] Out of being out of control.

[1227] I'm totally out of control.

[1228] And knowing my...

[1229] myself well enough to know that when I get to that point, I get very dangerous, whether it's towards other people or to myself.

[1230] So I know that that's real for me. Yeah.

[1231] And I can't imagine I'm alone or that I'm not.

[1232] No, it's every.

[1233] I mean, it's everyone.

[1234] I mean, at least you have the tools to know that it's happening and know that you have to find a solution that's not dangerous.

[1235] And just starting to at 46 in 17 years in AA and therapy.

[1236] So I just think we should at least experiment with trying to focus what we educate people on is like understanding themselves, having tools, knowing what the challenge of this ride is.

[1237] Like you don't get into kindergarten.

[1238] They go, look, there's a beatdown.

[1239] Here's all the things you're going to experience.

[1240] Jealousy, fear, abandonment.

[1241] That'll be the primary preoccupation in your brain, not math, science, or your job.

[1242] Exactly.

[1243] Yeah.

[1244] Like that'll be what you spend the majority of your life wrestling.

[1245] I feel like if you clean those things up, then you could get on to the productive stuff.

[1246] And it requires some coddling, like that type of emotional learning, which I do agree, I think is really helpful.

[1247] I mean, even like with your kids, they already have emotional skills that are advanced.

[1248] Like we never would have had at that age.

[1249] No, no, no, no. Because we're focusing on that little more, but they are way more emotional in general.

[1250] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1251] But they moved through it.

[1252] Exactly.

[1253] And I didn't.

[1254] I, like, ignored it and then it came out on the playground.

[1255] and it came out here and it came out there.

[1256] Came out last year.

[1257] Where?

[1258] Relapse.

[1259] Oh, yeah, came out last year.

[1260] And then also, one other thing, again, I cannot say enough praise for Jonathan Heights's brain.

[1261] I'm fascinating.

[1262] I mean, literally, I, of all these mega intellects, we have either listened to another people's podcast or had on ours, he is just a mung for me, the very pinnacle of like, I can't believe someone's as smart as that person.

[1263] But also, he might be more well -adjusted.

[1264] And he might have had a less traumatic childhood.

[1265] And it might be harder for it.

[1266] He might be looking at all this, quote, coddling and the weakness and the vulnerability, much like non -addicts always looked at addicts.

[1267] Like, just don't do it, duh.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] That's some fucking willpower, duh.

[1270] You know, like, he might not have any relationship with a lot of the stuff.

[1271] Well, and that's because Kristen's reading it too.

[1272] And she was kind of talking through some of this stuff recently.

[1273] And I was like, I mean, again, not to necessarily take it.

[1274] here but like and none of this stuff means he didn't have trauma because i'm sure because everyone does but a well -to -do white straight man is telling other people a lot of people who aren't straight white men that they need to get over stuff and it's like you don't really get to say that like you don't know what it's like you don't know what a microaggression actually feels like um true true yeah so Sure, it sounds so silly.

[1275] Well, again, terrible naming by the left, again.

[1276] Micro -Russia.

[1277] Like, you call it micro.

[1278] It means minuscule.

[1279] You know, there's a part of me in this, but you don't know what it feels like when somebody makes a small comment that triggers all this immediate old stuff.

[1280] Again, on top of whatever normal making the sausage of life stuff you're already going through, you were late to work because you couldn't have a cab and this, this, this, and this.

[1281] You arrive.

[1282] as many of us do, frazzled on the tipping point.

[1283] And then someone says, you know, where are you from?

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] You're like, fuck you, not on top of everything else.

[1286] Yeah, I don't have the energy for this.

[1287] But anyway.

[1288] Anywho, anywho.

[1289] Okay, J .B. Tons of respect.

[1290] Tons, tons of respect.

[1291] Tons, but we're able to have these conversations.

[1292] Respectful disagreement.

[1293] I don't even, you know, again, I don't even know where I'm at.

[1294] I don't know.

[1295] I just know that I'm not reading it.

[1296] It's a fucking brilliantly written book.

[1297] It's amazing.

[1298] Yeah.

[1299] But I'm not getting that tasty sensation I usually get when people articulate how I feel about something.

[1300] You know, you get that tingle of like, oh, man, I wish I could have said that way.

[1301] That's what I know internally.

[1302] Yeah.

[1303] And I'm just not having that the way I would have a few years ago.

[1304] Changes.

[1305] Changes.

[1306] Okay.

[1307] So the fact I have is hardscape.

[1308] He said that word and you said something like.

[1309] You're rich if you know that word.

[1310] And hardscape refers to hard landscape.

[1311] materials in the built environment structures that are incorporated into a landscape.

[1312] Yeah, I learned this term like two years ago.

[1313] I didn't know it.

[1314] When we had enough money.

[1315] To build a house?

[1316] To build a house in a yard and actually like, you know, in my life growing up, you built the yard by rolling sod.

[1317] I sawed in my mom's whole yard.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] There's no grand design of hardscapes and fucking flow and all this shit.

[1320] We put sod down.

[1321] Wait, so a hardscape has to do with a lawn?

[1322] Well, it has to do with like whatever.

[1323] concrete or stone, you're going to have intermerced with the natural landscape, right?

[1324] Like, you've got like a brick retaining wall.

[1325] That would be a hardscape.

[1326] Any of the non -organic?

[1327] Oh, I read it and I still didn't get it.

[1328] So it's still for outside.

[1329] Well, you're going to know it when you finish your house.

[1330] You're rich enough too now.

[1331] Oh, my goodness.

[1332] And then this is not a fact, but I have thought about look him in the eyebrows.

[1333] Oh, it's so good.

[1334] 60 times since we interviewed him.

[1335] Yeah, yeah.

[1336] That made the cut, you know, sometimes after we interpret.

[1337] interview somebody.

[1338] I'm brushing my teeth at night.

[1339] And then I bore Kristen with one of these things.

[1340] And that was, I tried to roll the whole thing out and just how amazing it was, how serious he and sincere he was about it.

[1341] Yeah.

[1342] That's how he goes through life.

[1343] That's where it's at for him.

[1344] He looks him in the eye.

[1345] Yeah.

[1346] This window to the soul is the eyebrows for him.

[1347] I love it.

[1348] Anyway, that's all.

[1349] I love you.

[1350] We'll see you guys on Thursday.

[1351] Yeah.

[1352] At Spotify.

[1353] For Barack Obama.

[1354] Oh, my God.

[1355] I can't wait.

[1356] armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1357] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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