Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally

[0] Hi, my name is Nick Offerman.

[1] And my name is Megan Malalley.

[2] And I don't know about you, but I feel ambivalent about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[3] I feel really good about it.

[4] I hope to.

[5] Holy school, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[6] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[7] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[8] Hey, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[9] This is the podcast where I, Conan, talk to people I've interviewed over the years on my TV job and try and figure out what's really the deal with us.

[10] Are we friends?

[11] Is it all fake?

[12] What's really happening?

[13] And I'm joined in this quest, if you will, by Sonam of Sessian, my assistant.

[14] Hi.

[15] And podcast extraordinarian, if that's even a word, Matt Gourley.

[16] Hi.

[17] Okay.

[18] And today I'm talking to two of my favorite people ever.

[19] I absolutely adore them.

[20] Megan Mullalley and Nick Offer.

[21] I do think of all the people I've talked to.

[22] We are...

[23] Legitimately.

[24] We're legitimately friends.

[25] We have gone out socially many times.

[26] What was that noise he made?

[27] That was him.

[28] You made a noise?

[29] It was involuntary.

[30] What the hell was it?

[31] You seemed skeptical about this whole thing.

[32] Well, let's just keep chatting.

[33] You were saying we...

[34] We've gone out many times.

[35] Several.

[36] I wouldn't say many.

[37] Many.

[38] We've gone out many times.

[39] Okay.

[40] We've gone out many times going back to, I mean, years, years and years and years.

[41] Yeah, at least 15 years.

[42] 15 years.

[43] I absolutely love you guys.

[44] I love you individually.

[45] and I'm saying this, this isn't even a comedy riff, but as a united force, you're greater than your separate parts.

[46] Does that make sense?

[47] You haven't seen all of my separate parts, so you might revise that.

[48] Oh my God, she's taking off her clothes right now.

[49] Yeah.

[50] And I do revise that.

[51] She's got a great set of talents.

[52] Now, I made an incorrect.

[53] assumption.

[54] I didn't realize this was a sincere conversation.

[55] It isn't really.

[56] What I like to do is when you go insincere, I go sincere, I startle you, and then you start to get sincere, and then I slam you with insincerity.

[57] Because the truth is Nick freaking loves you.

[58] Yeah.

[59] I...

[60] Like, he considers you a king among a man, and that's not a joke.

[61] That's nice.

[62] I will lionize you at any given opportunity.

[63] He does, and he will.

[64] Well, that's right.

[65] Lionize.

[66] I don't hear that a lot anymore, When you first hear it, it makes it, the word sounds like it means I will tear you apart like a lion as opposed to I will hold you in high regard.

[67] Right.

[68] I will render you the king of any given jungle.

[69] That's so nice of you.

[70] Nick only uses his big words when he's being interviewed, but at home he's just like, I like cake.

[71] There's no better way to say to state that sentiment.

[72] There's no, I'm going to say this.

[73] I don't want to embarrass you, but you're both supremely talented people, but you're also real human beings.

[74] You're nice, good, ethical people.

[75] I've seen that demonstrated in private many, many, many times.

[76] And I admire that about you both.

[77] Well, I think that, thank you.

[78] That's very, very nice you to say that.

[79] And I mean that.

[80] That's sincere.

[81] Well, I feel like the reason that we have had, So many double dates with you and you're beautiful and even killed wife, Liza, is that we have similarities in the department as couples.

[82] As couples, but I will say there are differences, which is Liza and I are both a little repressed.

[83] You two are sexual animals.

[84] Yeah, we let it all hang out.

[85] I mean, we have talked about this before, but you are quite open about.

[86] the fact that you're beast -like.

[87] And I mean that as a compliment.

[88] You mean anal?

[89] Not anal.

[90] No, I didn't mean anal.

[91] Okay.

[92] Why did you go to anal?

[93] Well, beastiality in the Bible, I think, is referring to in the butt.

[94] I didn't, I said beast -like, not beastiality.

[95] We'll get to that.

[96] And listen, maybe that's something you guys are into.

[97] I don't know.

[98] And I've never in my life.

[99] Listen to what he just said.

[100] Never in my life have I said, I want to read about but sex.

[101] Where's my Bible?

[102] It's never occurred to me. Well.

[103] Old Testament, New Testament.

[104] Leviticus, specifically.

[105] That's where all the good stuff is.

[106] Okay.

[107] Thank you.

[108] Leviticus is the home of abominations.

[109] Okay.

[110] So, but you two, I mean, you have told me personally stories about, the two of you being in nature, in the woods, fornicating, and that it's this beautiful act and that animals are watching you in Congress?

[111] Can I use that term?

[112] Coyotes.

[113] Coyotes.

[114] Coyotes watched you have sex.

[115] Where was this?

[116] It was in a park and off cold water.

[117] Of cold water canyon here in Los Angeles.

[118] Yes, we weren't like out like on a beautiful camping trip.

[119] We were literally in the middle of the city.

[120] Oh, so anyone could have opened their back door, seen you two going at it and thrown cold water on you.

[121] Right.

[122] Mm -hmm.

[123] You were in an almost an urban area, but you found a sort of magical wooded area.

[124] Yeah, a little corner, a secluded area.

[125] It was early on, and I feel like so many of the pleasures in our marriage have been cruise directed by Megan, and this was no exception.

[126] and it was after our play one night.

[127] We went to a fancy grocery store, which was a new thing for me, and got a baguette and cheeses and a bottle of nice wine.

[128] And she knew the park.

[129] She may have been there before me. Yeah, it wasn't my first coyote.

[130] That coyotes were like, she's back.

[131] And the squirrels were like, hey, get the one out there.

[132] She's back, she's back, she's back.

[133] Who's that guy?

[134] Let's see how this guy does.

[135] And I'll be honest.

[136] I'd have been, I'm very ashamed of my own body and I'm not comfortable.

[137] I don't think I'd be naked out in the world ever.

[138] I won't take my clothes off for my doctor.

[139] And then you two, you must have seen in Nick that he was capable of shedding his clothes and becoming almost this naked werewolf.

[140] who could commune with nature and satisfy your most base urges.

[141] Yeah, that's one thing that I liked about Nick is that he's a really nice guy, but he's also sort of like a demonic, you know, serial killer.

[142] So there's both sides of that.

[143] Because if somebody's too nice all the time, you just want to punch him in the face.

[144] It's boring.

[145] Yeah, and then the guys that are really bad are bad.

[146] Yeah.

[147] He strikes a balance.

[148] I get a sater vibe from you, Nick.

[149] You know, there's the old half man, half goat with big genitals that plays a fife and goes through the woods and only wants to have sex constantly and lives for today.

[150] That's what I get partially from you.

[151] But, you know, when I first met Nick, I had only ever dated these really, like, very skinny, boyish, kind of hairless and basically gay guys.

[152] You know, up until the end, you were.

[153] describing me. Yes, up until the end.

[154] I have no body hair, but anyway, go ahead.

[155] And then I met Nick, and I didn't really know what to make of it all.

[156] And he at the time, back then, that was in 2000, he was like, I'd say like 40 pounds heavier.

[157] Sure.

[158] He was a big, big man. Husky, that was husky.

[159] And he was bald for the play.

[160] He shaved his head for the play, and he had a mustache.

[161] And it wasn't that cute.

[162] I mean, there was a lot of back.

[163] I remember when I first met you to, it was a Saturday Night Live, had a reunion show.

[164] I had not met you and you came up and you introduced me to Nick and Nick was wearing a big leather biker jacket and he had a big chain hanging off and everyone else there was, you know, Prince was there and, you know, in sync.

[165] and it was just this ridiculous gathering of people that were all dressed in their finery.

[166] All the greats.

[167] All the grates.

[168] I think boys to men were present.

[169] The Archies were there.

[170] And then you show up and you did, you kind of look like, it was interesting because my first take was, this is not what I expected.

[171] This is not what I expected.

[172] You introduced me. I mean, there was a progression of events in Nick's sartorial styles, stylings, because when I first met him, he was wearing a pair of golden overalls that he would write, he used as a notepad, basically.

[173] So if he needed to write somebody's phone number down, he'd just write it because he couldn't afford, you know, paper.

[174] And he was living in an unfinished basement of somebody's unfinished basement that didn't have an actual floor or walls.

[175] so he could just urinate indiscriminately in any given corner of his lodgings.

[176] You would do that?

[177] Well, I mean, wouldn't you?

[178] I'd use a jar.

[179] I've been in that situation.

[180] He couldn't afford a jar.

[181] I mean, I would get a few feet away from my bed.

[182] Oh.

[183] So you're civilized.

[184] Yeah, it wasn't an animal.

[185] You know, so it started, that's where we, that was the jumping off point.

[186] And then by the time we went to like a fancy thing, he was.

[187] really, like, his idea of high style was turquoise jewelry and a crazy leather jacket.

[188] He's still, you can tell, he's still really, that's his dream.

[189] Those were the days.

[190] Yeah.

[191] So, you know, I had actually met you.

[192] I just want to revise, just for the record, because I know this is going to go down in history.

[193] I had done your show.

[194] Yeah, you had already met me. I meant as a couple.

[195] That's the first time I met you guys together.

[196] Because now I think of you as one person.

[197] Yes, we have.

[198] are one.

[199] You've become sunny and Cher, Woodward and Bernstein.

[200] You know, you don't mention one without the other.

[201] You're peanut butter and jelly.

[202] You're Leopold and Loeb.

[203] Look it up, kids.

[204] They were terrible, terrible killers without remorse in the 1920s.

[205] They were executed.

[206] I mean, right?

[207] No, they were not executed.

[208] They were put in prison for life.

[209] One was killed in prison.

[210] The other was released in, I think, the late 60s or early 70s.

[211] moved to Puerto Rico and died there two years later.

[212] Well, we are a lot like that.

[213] We are a lot like them.

[214] Kevin's a little, we went down one of my wormholes.

[215] Leopold and Loeb kids, look it up, one of the great murder stories of all time.

[216] But there isn't time for that.

[217] There's only time for you.

[218] Megan, we've talked a lot about your family in private, and you've asked me never to discuss it publicly.

[219] And this is a podcast, though, and I don't think that counts.

[220] You describe your family.

[221] And first of all, let me compliment you on the book, the book, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, on the New York Times bestseller list, and also the Los Angeles Times bestseller list.

[222] Megan Mullalley, Nick Offerman, the greatest love story ever told.

[223] Buy it if for no other reason, just the book jacket is the best book jacket I have seen, I don't know, I think, in memory.

[224] The book jacket, as well as all the photos in the book, were the brainchild of Megan.

[225] She art directed all of that.

[226] It's really beautifully done, and these are great photos, fantastic photos.

[227] They let me design the whole book, which for me was a huge thing because I don't usually get that kind of autonomy on any project.

[228] I'm just the hired help.

[229] You have so many talents.

[230] People can sort of almost take it for granted, that you're this great comedic actress, but you're also an amazing singer.

[231] I've seen you perform many times.

[232] And you would be famous in your own right as a singer.

[233] Then I go to your home, and your first question you want to ask is, What fancy person did you get to get you this art and this sculpture?

[234] And you did it.

[235] You love collecting and finding art, and you're incredibly talented at it.

[236] And you could also make it as a top designer, home designer, if you wanted to do it.

[237] That's probably what I would do if I wasn't doing all the actings and things.

[238] You think you would really be a home designer, an interior designer?

[239] I almost at a certain point when I wasn't getting a lot of work as an actor, I almost tried to enroll, UCLA to study interior design?

[240] I mean, that it sort of takes your breath away.

[241] The times I've been allowed in your home and the times I've also gone in when you're not there.

[242] You've been welcomed into our home.

[243] It takes your breath away.

[244] The other thing it takes your breath away is I'll admire the furniture and it's absurd, but much of it has been designed and built by Mr. Nick Offerman.

[245] It's insane.

[246] I'll walk up to the nicest piece of furniture in the house.

[247] Oh, Nick made that.

[248] I haven't made anything since I think I had popsicle sticks, and I trace my hand to make a turkey, and then I put popsicle sticks over it.

[249] It recently sold at Sotheby's for $2 .3.

[250] Well, it may be immodest of me to say this, but I think Megan's greatest talent is her taste.

[251] Almost anything she puts her hand to is astonishing.

[252] She once cut our poodle's hair.

[253] Yeah, I cut our poodle's hair for years.

[254] And it was cuter than anything Pixar has ever envisioned.

[255] I still do it sometimes.

[256] You know, the thing, though, is I'm doggedly determined to not educate myself in any of these areas.

[257] Like, I never studied acting.

[258] I never, I don't know anything about art. I just pick stuff that I like and then, you know.

[259] This is infuriating to so many people listening is something that's really appealing.

[260] about both of you when I'm around you is that you're doing stuff that you love it comes out of a need like you need to make things out of wood you need to decorate you need to make people laugh you need to sing well you do too I mean you know we need to express ourselves creatively I don't I just need the money I desperately want the cash and this was the best way to get it fast I need a lot of cash because I made some bad mistakes but you said Megan I think you you described your family as very small, mostly dead, and crazy.

[261] Yeah.

[262] I mean...

[263] My family is scattered throughout institutions across the U .S. And your dad was like a practical joker, but not necessarily a funny practical joker?

[264] No, he had a very dark sense of humor.

[265] And for like a couple of examples of his humor would be he and my mom and I would be sitting at the dinner table and then my father would all of a sudden pretend that he was having a massive heart attack and then fall over.

[266] He'd really, you know, he did commit, I'll give him that.

[267] Fall over into his plate of, you know, spaghetti or whatever.

[268] And the first time he did it, my mom and I were like, is he dead or what's going on?

[269] And then after that, we were just kind of like, you know, get out of the spaghetti.

[270] And then another time I came to.

[271] So your reaction when you thought it was real was to just wonder, huh, wonder if that's real or not.

[272] Yeah.

[273] Well, I mean, it was.

[274] It's terrifying.

[275] Okay, good.

[276] Yeah, because I was, you know, eight.

[277] Good, okay.

[278] So it was really scary.

[279] I'm downplaying it for the sake of, you know, podcast listeners everywhere.

[280] I don't want to try to talk to anyone.

[281] It sounds like it would scar you.

[282] Yeah, I don't want to be taken into child services.

[283] But then another thing that he did was, like, I used to take the bus.

[284] The only year I took the bus was third grade.

[285] So I was nine.

[286] And I came in the door.

[287] I didn't like being alone with my father because, he was really terrifying.

[288] And so I came in the door, and my mom's car wasn't there, and my father was standing at the top of the stairs, and I said, where's mommy?

[289] And he said, he had this focal affectation that he did all the time.

[290] And he said, I'm sorry to tell you this, my darling, but your mother is dead.

[291] And for a second, I was like, wait.

[292] And then he said, and then he just kind of went on.

[293] He elaborated on how she had died, and it was, Like a lot of, some children lose their parents at an early age, and it wasn't going to be an easy life.

[294] And finally I said, you know, where is she?

[295] And he said the grocery store.

[296] Oh, my God.

[297] Yeah.

[298] He also told me one time.

[299] That's just, I mean.

[300] No, it wasn't cute.

[301] And he also told me one time when I was in high school that he'd had to go to the doctor because he had a little skin cancer lesion on his ear, so he had to have it, like, removed.

[302] And I talked to him on the phone because my parents had been separated by then.

[303] And I said, how did it go?

[304] And he said, well, I'm sorry to tell you this, my darling.

[305] But they had to take the ear.

[306] And I said, oh, what?

[307] And he goes, I don't want to frighten your little friends when I come by the house.

[308] And I said, I'm sorry to hear that.

[309] And he then did not correct himself until I saw him two weeks later.

[310] and he had two ears.

[311] And I was like, and he'd already forgotten about it by then.

[312] Yeah, and the other thing is, he's clearly not amusing you.

[313] So who is this for?

[314] It's just for himself.

[315] He might have been a teeny, weeny, bit sociopathic, just a little.

[316] That's a word that would apply.

[317] In the cute way.

[318] One of the cute sociopaths, unlike Leopold and Loeb.

[319] No. Look it up, kids.

[320] I just, they were true sociopaths.

[321] I need to take a quick break, but we have so much more.

[322] talk about.

[323] Now it's time for the segment Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[324] You started to laugh during that.

[325] Why did you start to laugh?

[326] It's not funny.

[327] It's a big mortgage.

[328] You made so many bad decisions.

[329] I don't think it's a bad decision.

[330] I think in the long run, it will end up being a good decision.

[331] But in the short period of time right now, I need to make some money.

[332] Okay?

[333] And we're going to do that right now.

[334] Pay down that mortgage.

[335] And we're back.

[336] We didn't really take a break at all.

[337] We did so much during the break.

[338] You just heard a lot of stuff.

[339] I changed my clothes.

[340] That sandwich was delicious.

[341] Yeah.

[342] I had radical face surgery.

[343] Nick, when I first got to know you, I really did think this guy comes from another time.

[344] You are not a man of this millennia.

[345] I really believe that you were.

[346] Except from the future?

[347] I think, no, the past.

[348] I think from the past, I really believe.

[349] And I hate, I know I'm supposed to say yes and improv, but no and.

[350] I really believe that you are a very honest policeman in 1840 and woodworker who makes puppets.

[351] And you came here into these times to talk some sense into us.

[352] That's the sense I get.

[353] Your old world, don't you think?

[354] I come by it honest.

[355] I mean, when I got to show business, it was interesting.

[356] I did recognize immediately how superficial it was.

[357] I was immediately disinterested and I said, okay, I'm not going to chase this particular brass ring.

[358] I'm going to continue working as a carpenter and they have my number.

[359] If they need a slow talking guy to drive a bus or, you know, play a plumber, they'll find me and eventually by dribs and drabs, you know, the business and I came together.

[360] But in hindsight, I'm grateful that I had that wherewithal.

[361] I don't know.

[362] It comes from, I think, my parents.

[363] from just having the sensibility to look at any given context and say, okay, all my peers that are putting themselves through this auditioning process, they're all stressed out, they're all depressed, they're all drinking way too much.

[364] And I can do that.

[365] Sure.

[366] And still get paid to hammer nails.

[367] And so I can't claim any great knowledge, you know, of my own accord.

[368] I think I'm just lucky.

[369] And, you know, I've changed, or I think I've changed a lot since we first met.

[370] And you've changed a lot since we first met.

[371] I wash myself as often as once a week now.

[372] Yeah.

[373] That's what the Three Stooges used to say.

[374] They would crash through the floor and all three of them would land in a bathtub.

[375] And one of them would go like, but it's not Sunday.

[376] And I always thought that was, I didn't get that joke when I was a kid.

[377] And then later on I grew up and realized, because we only had to take a bath like once a week.

[378] Right.

[379] But then I later on realize that that's considered uncouth, that you're supposed to have a bath once or twice, you know, every couple days.

[380] Yeah, really any time you begin to stink.

[381] Oh, okay.

[382] Well, I should do better then.

[383] Yeah.

[384] Step up your game.

[385] I'm going to tell a quick story, and I know I've told this, I've recounted this to many people, but when Megan was in Seattle and you were doing the Young Frankenstein, and Lise and I were there visiting her family, so we hung out a little bit and we went to see you in the show which we absolutely loved.

[386] You killed it and one day I mentioned I like to ride bikes and Nick said let's ride bikes together so the two of us one of this long bike churning that took us way south of Lake Washington and then all of a sudden I heard like a popping explosion sound and Nick's chain just exploded which can happen sometimes on a bike and I'll say that as an experienced bikesman so you know I'm really ride bikes.

[387] It exploded and pieces went everywhere.

[388] Now I know me, I would have gotten off the bike and said, oh, shit, my bike blew up.

[389] This was pre -Ur or anything like that, but I guess I just have to pick it up or hide it in a bush and then go walk and find a cab.

[390] Nick gathers all the pieces and I said, what are you doing?

[391] And he said, well, I think this can be fixed.

[392] And then he said, I just need a flat rock.

[393] And I didn't know, I thought he was doing a bit and I didn't know telling exactly what happened.

[394] You assembled all the pieces and you lay them out on a flat rock and then you found another rock and you were inspected them all and then you found the right one and you started hammering the pieces back together again until after about 40 minutes you had completely reassembled the chain using prehistoric tools.

[395] You got on and then you went on your way and when I brought it up later on, you acted as if anyone else I would be bragging about that for years you acted like it was unmanly of me to even mention it.

[396] This is what one does when they're a bicycle.

[397] When a machine breaks, you find rocks and you fix it, and then you're on your way.

[398] What's your problem, city boy?

[399] That's just proper comportment.

[400] I think you could have made, if you needed to, in that moment, a radio.

[401] Using twigs and a dead rabbit and some manure.

[402] I think you could have made a pretty good AMFM radio that also got serious.

[403] If you...

[404] It's so true.

[405] And we seriously, for many years, because we watched the show Survivor religiously and been to the season finale's for the last two years, we have always said that we thought that Nick would kill on Survivor for those very reasons.

[406] Have you ever thought about that?

[407] You could go on Celebrity Survivor and you could clean up.

[408] Not even Celebrity, just regular.

[409] It's been discussed, yeah.

[410] I mean, we've sincerely looked at it in reality.

[411] Like it was actually maybe going to happen, and then he got another, like, an acting job.

[412] Yeah, the thing of it is.

[413] So you would really do it.

[414] You would really go on Survivor.

[415] I would love to.

[416] I mean, I think it would be really fun.

[417] I don't know.

[418] I think I'd be good at some things, but I'm not certain that I would be, you know.

[419] What do you think you wouldn't be good at?

[420] Because I can't think of one thing you wouldn't be good at.

[421] I'm not sure how well I would fare in the social aspect of the game.

[422] because...

[423] What, everybody freaking loves you.

[424] Right, but...

[425] But you don't play games.

[426] Right.

[427] He's not, he doesn't, he has no...

[428] He has no guile.

[429] No, he wouldn't be good at the lying.

[430] Yeah, his brain, he's not effed up enough to think of how to screw everybody over.

[431] And also, you would probably say something like...

[432] But you are kind of...

[433] Okay, go on, sorry.

[434] No, no, go ahead.

[435] Well, one time we were staying in a hotel...

[436] It was in Seattle.

[437] And we were there for seven or eight weeks.

[438] And we had been in...

[439] in this same room for the whole time and we were moved in like we were living there right and they were like oh but there's this one weekend where we have to move you out of the room because we it's a honeymoon situation and we promised these people like you know two years ago that they could have this your suite for the weekend and we were like wait we have to move all over everything so nick really surprised me with his revenge fantasy and the one I remember most distinctly was moving all our stuff out and being like, okay, fine, no problem.

[440] We'll just move into another room for the week and we'll move all, pack up all of our belongings.

[441] It's fine.

[442] As we're doing that, Nick would somehow procure two dead rats, which he would put, he would unscrew the heating, the vent over the heating system.

[443] And he would put the dead rats in there and then screw the thing back on and then turn the heat on.

[444] And slowly dead rat scent would fill that room.

[445] Described it to me in such detail.

[446] Like he'd thought it out down to the last detail.

[447] I do that.

[448] I think about it, but I don't do it.

[449] Sona, this is my assistant Sona.

[450] Just jump in for a second.

[451] I have a great, I have a lot of pent -up Irish rage and I have a good imagination.

[452] I think of great things I could do.

[453] Right.

[454] But I never do them, right?

[455] Right, but a lot of them have to do with murder, too, about how you would murder.

[456] So it gets a little bit more dark than putting rats in a vent.

[457] Oh, yeah, no. Which is also really screwed up.

[458] I'm sorry.

[459] It's a good idea what you have.

[460] Sure.

[461] It is.

[462] Yeah.

[463] If the other day, you know, I'm trying to watch my, I've been trying to eat well, and I've been told, you know, you can occasionally have a steak, but it has to be really lean, just make sure it has no sauce on it.

[464] I'm in this she -she restaurant.

[465] It's actually more of a hipstery restaurant, and they have a steak that they serve.

[466] And it's the perfect steak.

[467] It's a really lean cut, and it just comes with vegetables, and it was the perfect thing for me to eat, and I was hungry.

[468] And it says, yeah, and we smother it in this butter sauce.

[469] And I said, great, I'll have that, but could you just, could I not have the butter sauce?

[470] And this guy in like a tweed cap wearing suspenders with like a hipstery, mustache, said, no, you have to take it the way.

[471] And I said, no, all I'm asking for is, you know, the stuff that I'm not allowed to eat?

[472] Can you just not have that?

[473] And the guy went, hey, man, that's not our scene here.

[474] You got to have it on.

[475] And so he, I said, okay, I'll just have the fish then.

[476] And I said it like that.

[477] And he went, got it and walked away.

[478] And I spent the next 40 minutes, doing elaborate with lies at the table ways that I was going to fuck with this guy and screw over this restaurant and take them down and make them pay.

[479] And then, of course, every time he came over, I'm just like, oh, hey, yeah, I'm perfectly nice, left a really nice tip, ate the fish I didn't want.

[480] But I was, you know, but God, I had great fantasies.

[481] I think I was going to put his body in a heat vent.

[482] I think that's healthy.

[483] I I do a lot of revenge fantasizing myself.

[484] So just to wrap, just to wrap that up, I do think then you could do well on Survivor because I think that you do have that side of you, which is what I started by saying, which is that you're not just like super Mr. Nice all the time.

[485] You have another side.

[486] Can I ask another question?

[487] Have you guys ever watched Naked and Afraid?

[488] Toots.

[489] Could you do, Nick, could you go on, could either of you go on naked and afraid?

[490] No way.

[491] But wait a minute, you're in the woods with coyotes.

[492] and butterflies watching you doing it like animals.

[493] Yeah, with like bugs crawling up your vaj?

[494] No. No. Yeah, the vaj bugs are definitely...

[495] I would go on the con. I didn't know.

[496] You know what?

[497] I have to look...

[498] I have a book of insects at home.

[499] I will look up the vaj bug.

[500] I'm not familiar with it.

[501] No, I'm not down with...

[502] There's something...

[503] I mean, I love watching it.

[504] I think those people are...

[505] Those are, like, committed.

[506] They're like hardcore survivalists.

[507] Yeah, but...

[508] It's a really...

[509] really weird.

[510] The thing that I can't do is I grew up on the East Coast.

[511] I spent a lot of time traipsing around the woods and stuff when I was sent off to camp.

[512] Bugs.

[513] It's the thing I love about Los Angeles.

[514] There's no bugs.

[515] There's no bugs.

[516] It's soon to be no bugs anywhere.

[517] Right.

[518] Yes.

[519] And frankly, I can't wait.

[520] If that's the price we pay for, if it means global warming and the extinction of our species, I'm all for it.

[521] But I don't like the bugs.

[522] And on naked and afraid, the idea of being naked and being constantly attacked by bugs.

[523] All manner of insects.

[524] The thing I would like about it is, you know, learning all the crazy tricks that they have to, like, build shelters and, you know, they magically can kind of solve any problem with the wherewithal that they've garnered over their years as survivalists.

[525] I find that fascinating.

[526] But they're naked.

[527] It's so funny.

[528] And afraid.

[529] And afraid.

[530] And I'm always afraid when I'm naked.

[531] It's a very, it is, is my natural state.

[532] Actually, you're afraid to be, to be naked.

[533] Yes.

[534] I want to be on the show afraid to be naked.

[535] Yeah.

[536] In which you're naked.

[537] In which you just huddle in a corner and refuse to take off your clothes.

[538] You're not even in the wild.

[539] You're in your comfortable home.

[540] Yeah.

[541] You're in your bedroom.

[542] I'm in my bedroom and I'm fully clothed.

[543] But the producers off camera are saying, please, you've got to take off your clothes.

[544] And I'm desperately afraid.

[545] Yeah.

[546] But at the end, I always win.

[547] hundreds of thousands of dollars somehow.

[548] You naked with a naked woman who wasn't me, you would not.

[549] Nick is the most, he's the least likely man that I ever have known to not ever even look at another woman.

[550] It's kind of, it's so great.

[551] Wait, there's so many negatives in there.

[552] I can't, I couldn't follow.

[553] He said, he's the least man who wouldn't not, not, not.

[554] So I don't know how that computes.

[555] I have no idea what to happen.

[556] So Nick around a naked woman who's not you, what?

[557] Nick would be incredibly embarrassed and would know what to do or where to put his eyeballs.

[558] I'd make her a three -piece suit.

[559] Yeah.

[560] Yeah, out of cherry wood, you know, out of a beautiful mahogany that you'd.

[561] Not a veneer.

[562] He's not a cheater or a, he's not, he doesn't ever even look at, it's weird, look at other women.

[563] Yeah.

[564] It doesn't do that.

[565] That's nice.

[566] I think I would overcompensate in some way.

[567] I would try to, do you know what I mean?

[568] I'd do a lot of schick about them being naked and me being naked, but all the while just humiliating myself.

[569] I think it's best that I not go on naked and afraid is what I'm getting to.

[570] And I think it's best that you not go on naked and afraid.

[571] I think so.

[572] I think none of us are going on it.

[573] No. It's out.

[574] It's out.

[575] I've been invited.

[576] And here's the thing.

[577] Here's really what it comes down to.

[578] Megan and I have a two -week rule We're never apart for more than two weeks I'm suspending it for this You say that Because I really want to watch you on there No I'm When it really comes down to it When you go on Survivor Whether you're the first person kicked off Or the winner Everyone has to stay for six weeks Because you can't The world can't know Who goes home Who goes home So if once you And they won't let anybody come visit They wouldn't let me visit him If he got like if he got kicked off after four weeks or, I mean.

[579] But you know what?

[580] You could, I mean, first of all, Liza and I would come and stay at your place.

[581] I love your house.

[582] Yeah.

[583] We'd stay there.

[584] You don't seem thrilled, but.

[585] I'm, I am thrilled.

[586] This is.

[587] No. That's not what I'm getting at all, and I read faces.

[588] But anyway, I would make it my business to be around and protecting you and being a good friend to you, and you wouldn't even miss this guy.

[589] You'd be so many laughs.

[590] So many good times.

[591] My love for Survivor is such that this would be the one and only exception I would make to our two -week rule.

[592] And I would happily.

[593] That's a nice.

[594] My wife and I have a two -week rule.

[595] But ours is every two weeks, she wants me to go away for eight weeks.

[596] That's a twist.

[597] It's a little different than what you guys do, but it's kept us together.

[598] That's good.

[599] I'm glad that you would suspend that.

[600] I would glad that you would do that.

[601] If we did that, and I agreed to it, there's eventually on the show, late in the game, weeks in, they bring in loved ones of the contestants.

[602] And quite often, when the loved one is revealed, and they run and clasp each other, it could be a spouse or a parent or a sibling.

[603] I hope you picked me. There's a lot of sobbing and incredible emotional upheaval.

[604] I would fall on the ground.

[605] and cry my eyes out because I don't know if I could be away from you for six weeks.

[606] That's really sweet.

[607] That's a really sweet moment.

[608] I'd start making love to coconuts.

[609] Which you could probably fashion so that it's probably more pleasurable.

[610] Listen, I've done a little reading on this and if you're going to make love to a melon.

[611] There have been a few melons in his past.

[612] Let's just leave it at that.

[613] Obviously, you need to bore.

[614] or a hole, but the thing you might not realize is you want to chamfer.

[615] What do you bore it with, though?

[616] That's my question.

[617] Well, I'm guessing.

[618] Hopefully your pocket knife.

[619] Yeah.

[620] So what would you do to the hole in the melon?

[621] You've got to chamfer the edge of that hole because the rind is sharp and it will really chafe.

[622] Yes.

[623] This is just something I've read up on.

[624] And if it's a cantalope and you can warm it up for a couple minutes.

[625] How do you do that, microwave?

[626] You won't be sorry.

[627] A couple minutes in the microwave.

[628] And then you've got chamfered edges and then.

[629] do you How long can you keep the melon around?

[630] God.

[631] How long is it last?

[632] Well, can you draw this for me?

[633] Yeah, I can.

[634] I mean, it's kind of a one use.

[635] I'm about to hit the road on it.

[636] I'm about to do a tour and I'm going to be alone.

[637] It's a winner?

[638] Yeah.

[639] Yeah, it's kind of dispoiled.

[640] Well.

[641] It's hard to travel with like a suitcase full of melons.

[642] this took a turn and you know what mostly usually I would say I didn't expect that but when you two Respect your showing for the melon is very touching We are both We are gentlemen Yeah I really And we are chivalrous And you know Treat that melon well The point is I would say to any other guests I didn't see it going this way When you walked in Only I did see it going this way When both of you walked in Because you are are sex -depraved, animalistic, sensualists who think nothing, you know, ravish each other nightly.

[643] And it sickens me. I think it's wrong.

[644] I think it's evil.

[645] No. That's your problem.

[646] Want to get it on?

[647] But yeah, you know what?

[648] You two are welcome to do it here.

[649] No one can see you.

[650] There'll be some sounds in the background.

[651] But I can hum to cover those sounds.

[652] Can you see him from where you are?

[653] because you look really handsome.

[654] Yeah, you do.

[655] You look really good.

[656] What's going on?

[657] Did you have some work done?

[658] I got work done.

[659] I wish I'd paid more for it.

[660] I went cheap.

[661] Well, it looks, I mean...

[662] You give it you what you pay for.

[663] That's the problem.

[664] It's a place that said you're in and out in an hour.

[665] Wow.

[666] Yeah, they don't use anesthesia.

[667] And they say they do take bonded checks.

[668] And so I went there And I said, just let's pull back the cheeks And I got infected Paying old melons Exactly Big sack over your shoulder Of used melons?

[669] Is that what you said?

[670] Yeah, yeah If they've been dispoiled by a celebrity You can actually sell them on eBay Do you want to you want?

[671] Who wants a melon?

[672] Start a business Do you want a melon that Nick Offerman fucked?

[673] And then you you watch the bidding go crazy.

[674] I apologize to everyone.

[675] All right.

[676] Megamolelly, Nick Offerman.

[677] There's no greater couple in the history of the world.

[678] We love you, Conan.

[679] We wish you all the best.

[680] We really do.

[681] Bye -bye.

[682] Thank you.

[683] Thank you.

[684] And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[685] This is Matt.

[686] I believe in the beginning you said you might be ambivalent and you were a bit more positive.

[687] After this conversation, what are the prospects of continuing this friendship, do you think?

[688] Well, I feel like we were jesting when we said ambivalent, and by we I mean Nick.

[689] That's right.

[690] We love Conan, madly, and so I think everything has had a very, very, very happy beginning, middle, and end.

[691] Very nice.

[692] I noticed you two were holding hands almost the entire time, too.

[693] That was very heartwarming.

[694] We like each other.

[695] It's a habit.

[696] It's a nice habit.

[697] Yeah.

[698] Yeah.

[699] If you could hold hands with her, wouldn't you?

[700] I sure would.

[701] That was like a kind of E .T. sort of reaching.

[702] That was very sweet.

[703] Thank you guys for doing this.

[704] Thank you so much for having us.

[705] Thank you.

[706] We love Conan.

[707] So, Conan.

[708] Why would you do that if you know I'm in the room?

[709] I'm sitting eight inches from you.

[710] You acted like you're in a well and you fell in to the darkness and you're wondering if I'm out there somewhere.

[711] I'm right here Okay Conan Yeah The reviews are in For this podcast And we're doing We're doing well Your podcast has Five star ratings Which is great Five star out of how many stars Out of five I didn't know that Was out of five Yeah I thought that was out of ten That's exactly where my mind goes Oh okay That's just the way I've been rated By most people in Relationships That I've been in Five out of five That's cool Yeah So far so good That's great That's great.

[712] What are people out there thinking?

[713] I want to know what they're thinking.

[714] Well, we're going to read some reviews.

[715] Okay.

[716] All right.

[717] So I'm going to read some.

[718] Yeah.

[719] Yeah.

[720] Keep saying you're going to do it.

[721] What if you were a pitcher in baseball and you're on the mind?

[722] You're like, going to pitch pretty soon.

[723] Gonna pitch the ball.

[724] Going to pitch the ball.

[725] And you never did.

[726] Navalmar gave you five stars.

[727] And their review is, it's not bad.

[728] What?

[729] Yeah.

[730] It's not bad.

[731] And he gave me five.

[732] five stars out of five?

[733] Yes.

[734] So wait, that guy goes in to an Arby's and has a perfectly mediocre sandwich and says, eh, it was edible.

[735] Five out of five.

[736] He's, man, he's just handing out five stars left and right.

[737] Not bad.

[738] How about life changing?

[739] So the five stars the five stars is there, well, if you're going to write something after five stars, write, I now see what life is all about.

[740] Thank you.

[741] Thank you, Conan.

[742] Don't write not bad.

[743] What, Sue, Sue Dubs, Sue Dubs, no, Sue Dubs.

[744] I was reading that wrong.

[745] Sue Dubs said your podcast makes me want to give you a hug.

[746] Oh.

[747] That's sweet.

[748] Is it though?

[749] Or is it that she feels sorry for me?

[750] It could be she feel sorry for you.

[751] It could be, oh, I listened to him and I just want to give him a hug.

[752] But I will also say when I was single, pity was the motivating force behind most of the women.

[753] that hooked up with me. So pity is my friend.

[754] I think she may pity me, but that's okay.

[755] It doesn't matter.

[756] That's something to brag about pity.

[757] Yeah, pity was my wingman.

[758] That should be the name of my autobiography.

[759] Pity was my wingman by Colonel O 'Brien.

[760] I'd like to hug her as well, as long as it was all monitored and was done, you know, appropriately.

[761] Ickymadge.

[762] What?

[763] Icky Madge.

[764] These are all screen names.

[765] I don't know what's going on.

[766] Ickymadge.

[767] Right.

[768] He's a ginger, but ginger's are people too?

[769] Dot, dot, dot, question mark.

[770] Oh, my God.

[771] This is brutal.

[772] And we're a very well -reviewed podcast, and these are the happy comments?

[773] Yeah, I'm a ginger all right.

[774] Mm -hmm.

[775] And ginger are people too.

[776] gingers should have made that plural ginger are people too apparently we're not we can't even speak correctly uh yes you know gingers are we're the one group that everyone feels comfortable making fun of do you know what i mean like it think about it in this age of extreme sensitivity you couldn't make that comment about any other kind of person do you think it's the freckles why would you focus on those I have a lot of freckles you know a lot of them don't show up on camera on TV of course they put makeup on but my hands have a ton of freckles my hands look they just look crazy they've got so many right you've seen my hands when I come back from like a Caribbean island I look like a mummy that just crawled its way out of the tomb I was surprised when I met you for the first time oh my God it speaks Gorley, what are you talking about?

[777] You were surprised?

[778] The amount of freckles.

[779] You didn't think I'd have that many?

[780] No. What else surprised you?

[781] Be honest.

[782] The height.

[783] The height is, people don't think I'm that tall.

[784] Your presence is commanding.

[785] Well, thank you.

[786] You're welcome.

[787] You can't see this right now, but Gorley is saluting me. He is saluting me the way they do in the Navy.

[788] So seriously, my height and then freckles on my face or just in general?

[789] I'm only joking, but yeah, you don't see them on TV.

[790] TV.

[791] You don't see them on TV.

[792] But they're actually becoming because it kind of it's part of you.

[793] Yes.

[794] It makes me more human.

[795] Well, they look good.

[796] Well, thank you.

[797] Yeah.

[798] Take it easy, pal.

[799] Yeah, I'll back off now.

[800] Yeah.

[801] I'll cut this.

[802] No, no, no. I like this.

[803] You want me to keep on.

[804] Oh, yeah.

[805] The one positive thing we've really heard about me. Oh, but three stars, sorry.

[806] Yeah.

[807] Oh, I get Gourley, when he met me, gave me three stars for my physical appearance.

[808] But he does like the podcast, so we've got that going.

[809] It was nice of him to cut in and say, that was nice.

[810] I hope he doesn't cut that out.

[811] I don't know.

[812] You don't care.

[813] I know, I don't know.

[814] Read another one.

[815] Let's keep this thing going.

[816] Let's see.

[817] Do you have trouble reading?

[818] No, I'm just trying to choose once.

[819] Oh, by Matt Matt Matt, Matt, too.

[820] Near the end of life, it's important to record your voice so that the family can listen back and remember you fondly.

[821] Oh my God.

[822] He thinks I'm at the end of my life.

[823] Maybe he knows something that I don't know.

[824] That's eerie.

[825] Isn't that eerie?

[826] How old.

[827] old as you think I am.

[828] I'm not that old.

[829] What if that's some kind of veiled threat?

[830] I hope so.

[831] You hope so.

[832] Yeah.

[833] I think it gets my name in the papers, you know.

[834] The important thing is, I always say that when I don't know what I'm saying next.

[835] The important thing is I do believe he's correct that the recorded voice is important.

[836] And I'm going to say something else.

[837] This is me just freewheel in here.

[838] people's last words used to be very important and they talked about it a lot do you know like if one of the founding fathers was on his deathbed he'd say the republic still stands and then he would die you know is that real did someone say that I think people said things like that people used to say things like and now I go to my rest and then they would die Stonewall Jackson famously when he was mortally wounded his last words were take me over the river and into the trees It was beautiful and then he passed away And I was thinking about it There aren't last words anymore Because they keep us going forever And we're all hooked up And we have tubes in our mouth and stuff at the end So our last words are like Do you know what I mean?

[839] I mean I'm not trying to be funny I'm not trying to make you laugh You know Picasso wasn't always trying to make great art Sometimes he was just scribbling on a napkin But my point is that there are no last words anymore because someone probably says something really profound like when my time comes I'm going to try and say something profound and I'm going to say something like and now let us to the other world and to the light but then a nurse is going to come in and go nope we can keep him going for another year and inject all this shit into me and then jam a tube in my throat and then I'm going to spend a year going and they're going to say what was last words he said something kind of profound a year ago well wait what was that I don't remember it was a year ago what did he say just before he died well those are his last words I think something's been lost yeah Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O'Sassian and Conan O 'Brien as himself produced by me Matt Goreley executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[840] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[841] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina.

[842] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[843] Got a question for Conan?

[844] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[845] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[846] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[847] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.