Stop Being Mommy: How to Get Your Kids to Be Responsible For Themselves

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[24] So can you identify with this?

[25] You're exhausted.

[26] since your kids have been born you have thought of nothing else but your kids you've come behind them and you've taught them incessantly day after day after day you do everything for them from them from morning to midnight all you're thinking about is your kids and you want the best for them and you want them to learn lessons and learn in school and you want them to be successful in life and you want to know at the end of the day that you did everything that you could so that they could live a happy life and now perhaps your kids are teenagers and now you're getting pushed back and it's like they don't even want to be around you and that hurts because you've given everything to them and so whether you are the mom or dad of a toddler or a teenager i hope you will find this episode of the calm parenting podcast helpful so welcome my name is kirk martin i'm founder celebrate calm you can find us at celebrate calm .com you can find a really good christmas sale at celebratecom .com.

[27] That's all I'm going to say.

[28] It's awesome.

[29] Lowest prices we've ever done because we want to help families and we want this stuff to get deep inside of you and there's so much detail and so much content even on, you know what, underrated one, ADHD University, even if your child doesn't have ADHD, but they struggle with focus and attention and all these things we talk about.

[30] That in the strong world child program, man, there's so much insight and it will tell you everything that your child struggles with, here's how you help that, right?

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[32] If you need help, contact K -C -C -C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCallum .com.

[33] So here's what I want to address.

[34] I want to try to address this, especially for moms, but it's for moms.

[35] It's for husbands.

[36] It's for the kids.

[37] And so this is a typical phone consultation with, say, parents of teenagers.

[38] So when someone signs up for the phone mentoring, I send an email and I'm like, okay, tell me about your family.

[39] want to hear about, like, what are they struggling with?

[40] What are the kids' gifts and passions?

[41] Are you and your spouse on the same page?

[42] Or if it's a single mom, we find out about them and different struggles.

[43] And so invariably, it's a strong -willed child.

[44] So I hear all about the strong -willed child.

[45] So I've got all these notes.

[46] And I'm looking at this page that I had the other day with this phone consultation.

[47] I've got the kids' names on there.

[48] And I've got this long list of things that we need to work on.

[49] But as I'm going through that before the call, what's hitting me is I think the real key here is to free and liberate this mom from being the mommy so that now she can be the mother and to transition from that.

[50] And so that's always hard for me because, you know, everybody wants to talk about their kids and they struggle with this.

[51] And then I have to shift it and say, you know, I think the big win here is shifting how you see your role toward these kids.

[52] And I love that.

[53] It's one of my favorite things of what we do is like when you hear from people of like, well, my child struggles with X and he's being defined or he's not doing this and he's shutting down.

[54] And so what you tend to hear is, well, the real problem is this is what's going on.

[55] And then by the time you dig into it, you find that wasn't the real issue to begin with.

[56] That was just the outward expression of something happening.

[57] inside.

[58] So that always excites me because I like taking a counterintuitive look at things and looking at things in a different way.

[59] And I really like liberating families so they can actually enjoy each other and not just harping on my child's difficult.

[60] And they're legitimately difficult.

[61] But here's what was kind of cool with one of the recent phone calls was the mom owned it.

[62] Right.

[63] And she was and so I finally stepped in and said, you know, I've heard, you know, we've talked about your kids a little bit, but I think the big win here is, is changing you and your role.

[64] This is not about any kind of guilt or blame.

[65] It's not like it's your fault.

[66] It's that the big win here is changing your role.

[67] So by time we do get into those middle school and high school years for your kids, moms, I want you to start to transition from being their mommy who follows behind them all the time and make sure everything gets done and makes sure that they're well fed and they're dressed and their hygiene is good.

[68] And I want you to be kind of, their mother.

[69] And there's a different tone to that because a mommy is like always available and always has to do everything and I've got to make sure.

[70] And the mother, it switches the feel of it.

[71] But this mom, like most moms who are listening, you have 10, 12, 15, 17 years of habits of always checking up on your kids.

[72] And when kids become teenagers, they want the independence.

[73] And strong -will kids want the independence from the time there too.

[74] And I want to give that, you know, some of our phrases, if you've heard them, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves.

[75] When we step back from lecturing, from micromanaging, from fixing everything for our kids, right?

[76] It's a big one.

[77] When we step back from that, it gives our kids space to step up and learn to be responsible for themselves.

[78] Because when we're so super involved all the time and always lecturing and pointing out, well, if you just did it this way, it would be so much better.

[79] When we're doing that, think about this.

[80] What we're really doing as parents is actually being responsible for the child.

[81] We're actually wrestling responsibility away from them because we're not letting them own their choices.

[82] We're not letting them touch the hot stove, which they have to do.

[83] We're actually getting in and we're becoming responsible.

[84] And inadvertently, no guilt, no blame here, inadvertently, the message we're sending to our kids is, you're not capable.

[85] You're not capable of being successful unless I'm on you all the time and hovering over you and lecturing you and showing you how to do things all the time.

[86] And that's what our kids won, what they resist, because they want to learn by themselves.

[87] They want to pick up, but they don't want you standing over them watching them fail.

[88] Right?

[89] That's a really big insight.

[90] your kids don't mind failing as long as you're not watching right they don't mind touching the hot stove it's when everybody at the ball field and parents and teachers are watching that's what causes the issue we have to give them some space to figure some things out without us jumping in so quickly because we know best and because it would be easier and because they wouldn't have to struggle so much if we just showed them no they need to struggle they don't mind struggling but you have to give them some space to struggle and when they do struggle and ask for help then we give tools but I'm not doing that on this one so so we're talking this mom about like hey I want you to start stepping back and she's like I know but I'm just I have this habit of I'm on them and I was like well how do the kids respond to you when you do that and she said well they shut down and they go away from me and that hurts my feelings and I thought of course it does because you've loved your kids more than anything for the first 12, 10, 12, 13, 15 years of their life.

[91] And so that that hurts.

[92] But you see that the more you tend to push and get on them, the more that they resist.

[93] So let's come up with a new habit, mom.

[94] New habit.

[95] Let's apologize to your kids.

[96] Why?

[97] Because it's just an honest thing to do.

[98] Guys, I need to apologize.

[99] Because out of good heart and good intentions, I think I've lectured too much, and I think I talk too much, and I think that my voice is irritating to you.

[100] Now, some of you are going to get offended.

[101] Well, why would you say that?

[102] Because it's true, because your voice is irritating to your teenager, as irritating as their voice is to you, right?

[103] It's just true, and so own that, and don't be so offended by it.

[104] Like, oh, but they should, no, it's just the way that it works.

[105] laugh at it and understand that.

[106] Sometimes if you stop taking yourself so seriously with everything, right, your kids would actually enjoy you and saying like, my mom just said that.

[107] Yeah, I know.

[108] My voice, isn't my voice irritating?

[109] And pretty much, mom.

[110] Own that.

[111] It's not disrespectful.

[112] It's just the way that life works, right?

[113] And so apologize, but then ask for a code word.

[114] Kids, every time that I start lecturing and I get in.

[115] that annoying voice mode where I'm treating you like your four again every time I get in that mode just can we say a code word now I don't want them say mom you're being irritating again no not that but a code word of some kind make it a funny word I don't care what it is I asked Casey our strong -willed son who if you need any help email him Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecomcom and he'll help you out because he's awesome but I asked him I was like give me a code word because I don't even realize I'm doing this half the time.

[116] And it helped my awareness.

[117] And then I had a go -to plan.

[118] So, Mom, have a go -to plan.

[119] Every time you want to go and lecture to get on, to be responsible for your child, what are you going to do instead?

[120] Come up with something you're going to have to think about.

[121] What did I used to love?

[122] What did I do before I had kids?

[123] What is something that you can begin doing every time you want to control your kids behavior, control your own?

[124] Go find a book that you haven't, you haven't read a book that you wanted to read in years.

[125] Find something you enjoyed doing and do that.

[126] I gave this mom another idea of, of, and the dad, the dad was on the call too of resigning.

[127] Resigned from your job, right?

[128] You have done this.

[129] You have done your job.

[130] You raise these teenage kids and they know right from wrong.

[131] You have done your job.

[132] You will never stop being their mother, but you will stop and need to stop being their mommy.

[133] resign from your job and I said hubby if you want to earn some bonus points here have a special dinner for your wife and celebrate your family that your wife has given her entire energy her soul her spirit her life to her kids and they're good teenagers they struggle a little bit as all of them do but she's raised two good kids you guys have done it together and you are going to affirm your wife and celebrate the success and celebrate the fact that you have two good teenage kids and celebrate that And then the third thing that I told this mom that she really struggled with is I said tonight, I want you to go in the living room, sit on that sofa or lie down on that sofa and put your feet up on the sofa.

[134] She's like, I have not done that in years.

[135] And I said exactly.

[136] And that's part of the issue because you're always too busy doing everything for everybody else.

[137] And that only leads to resentment on your part.

[138] Because after all you do for everybody else and you never get a break, because you never took the break and you can justify that all you want moms and dads and there's no guilt or blame here you can justify it well if i'm not on them they won't be responsible there's a little bit of truth to that but most of the time they can be responsible we just don't give them space and time to allow them to do it and you and i have control issues right because when they do step up we don't like the way they do it and you're going to have to control your anxiety and your control issues and give them some space and put your feet up on the sofa.

[139] And when those kids walk into the room, Mom, I'm hungry.

[140] Instead of snapping right up because mom, that's your instinct.

[141] It is what you have done for the past three years, five years, 10 years, 15 years.

[142] Now with toddlers, you've got to feed them.

[143] Okay.

[144] But as your kids start getting older, okay, when they're seven and eight, and especially nine, ten, and above that, they can fix their own food.

[145] okay let them do it now i know they're going to make a mess and there's going to be jelly hanging off the counter and they're not going to pick up all the crumbs after they made a little sandwich they're not but when you look at that child and said you know what you've got two legs you've got two feet you can go to kitchen fix yourself a snack and while you're there i would love a snack and a glass of iced tea do that sometime and you're going to be like and could you put a little shot of whiskey in there because this is really hard and I need some help with this because it is hard because you're breaking a generational pattern and probably a decades old pattern but it's a beautiful thing that you're doing for yourself and for your kids because they are capable and you're letting them know that so do not fix everything for them and let them step up number two in the bigger scheme here that we talked about was affirming for especially with your strong well kids affirm for what is already there instead of pointing out what they're not doing, right?

[146] This is huge, and I mention it a lot because it's really hard, but incredibly important because the mom started the call with like, well, my son, you know, he's a good kid, but, you know, I gave him his laundry to put away, and it took him all day, and I had to remind him so many times, and my response was, why?

[147] Who cares when he put his clothes away?

[148] Why does it matter so much?

[149] and if you struggle with that, again, no blame, no guilt.

[150] That's your issue.

[151] I know, but I just want him to be on top of it because I want him to be able to do it.

[152] How many things are going to do that with?

[153] So watch what we do.

[154] Why do you go in all day and remind him?

[155] Well, do you think he wants to talk to you anymore if that's what you're doing all day long just about putting his clothes away?

[156] The truth is he put his clothes away later in the afternoon.

[157] and here's all that needed to happen.

[158] Hey, son, nice job with that.

[159] Shows me you're growing up.

[160] Done.

[161] Three seconds.

[162] Affirm.

[163] Hey, it really helps me when you do that.

[164] Zip.

[165] No more talking.

[166] Don't go along lecture about what you did when you were a kid or how it really help if you'd do more and if they would do it as soon as you ask and all those things.

[167] Why?

[168] Why?

[169] Why?

[170] It will send your children away from you needlessly.

[171] And I'm not, look, there's no blame, no guilt.

[172] I don't do that.

[173] But I want to, we're doing things that hurt, it hurts you.

[174] And it hurts your relationship.

[175] And to her credit, this mom was like, yeah, and it doesn't work.

[176] And I was like, yes.

[177] So why?

[178] This is a great question.

[179] I'm going to stop the recording so I can write it down.

[180] Hold on.

[181] Sorry to yell.

[182] I just don't want to forget this.

[183] Why hurt your relationship with your.

[184] child over something that doesn't even work.

[185] We do it all the time.

[186] Right.

[187] So let's let's let's affirm for what they're doing right.

[188] Simple, sweet, very few words.

[189] And I wanted this mom to get, and I want you to have this picture in your head of this.

[190] Picture a really busy, loving mom who cares about our kids and it's talking to them all the time.

[191] And every time they come downstairs and they come into the room.

[192] Mom's on it and she's talking about them.

[193] That tends to send them away from you.

[194] But picture mom now.

[195] Kids come downstairs and they're hungry or they want something.

[196] And mom stays sitting on the sofa with her feet up, reading a book.

[197] And I told this mom, I was like, you keep those eyes down in that book.

[198] You're not ignoring your children.

[199] It's not emotional abuse.

[200] Right?

[201] You've given them everything you have.

[202] You know what I, promise will happen.

[203] When you find some things that are exciting to you, when you get involved doing things that you're passionate about, guess what?

[204] Your kids have a reason to come in the room, and I guarantee you, you will draw them to you because you're not chasing them and pushing them away.

[205] You will draw them to you.

[206] They may even ask about you.

[207] Mom, what are you so engrossed in?

[208] What's that show you and dad are watching?

[209] Because you're not in their business all the time.

[210] You're actually drawing them to you that will help your relationship.

[211] You want teenagers especially coming to you.

[212] But if they know you're just going to lecture and get on them, guess what?

[213] They're not coming to you.

[214] So we wrapped in one other thing here for the dad.

[215] And here's the beautiful thing that I like about A lot of what we do is that it's very guy friendly.

[216] I'm a guy, so I am aware of my own limitations as a man. And so I was able to tell the couple, I said, I don't want to know what your relationship is like at all.

[217] My guess is that you have two strong -willed kids, which means all of your energy has gone to your kids over the last 10, 13, 15 years, and so you probably haven't invested that in each other.

[218] so your marriage is strained because you don't both do it the same way and if that's true that means you're very normal and there's nothing wrong with you and it's not a big red flag that you're not emotionally connected right now that's very very normal now if you don't work on it it will end up being a very very bad costly thing emotionally financially and otherwise but if you find yourself in this place where you're not as connected as you should be and you have lingering resentments because a husband gets resentful because, well, my wife puts every single thing she has, everything into the kids.

[219] And what I can see is it tends to send the kids away, and it really irritates them.

[220] And she has no energy for me. And the wife is resentful because, well, I only put all that time into the kids because you haven't taken your proper role and you kind of stood back and you're not involved enough.

[221] And when you do get involved, you tend to overreact and incite everything, and then I have to clean up the mess, right?

[222] Like, that's probably where you live a lot.

[223] And so this mom was like, I just want, I just want some emotional support, right?

[224] And I was like, tell me what that means.

[225] She said, well, I just want to feel emotionally supported.

[226] And I was like, can you use some words that a man would understand, right?

[227] And so what I wanted to get to was, what are you really looking for here?

[228] And she said, I want to know that my husband's got my back and he knows that I'm a really good person.

[229] And you can hear in there, there is a lot of hurt and pain in those words because every time she gets kind of wound up and everything happens, you can know, in kind of sense of he's like looking at her in a certain way and she's like, could you please help me?

[230] Right.

[231] But then when he does try to jump in and help, it's probably not good enough, right?

[232] That happens in your home as well, I bet.

[233] So what I wanted to come up with is a practical way for a normal guy to do that, to have her back, to actually when she's struggling emotionally, how can he actually come in?

[234] So we talked about actually having a code word or a tradition or even using that phrase because we were kind of joking about like, hey, he's not going to come and say, honey, I just want to hold your heart now.

[235] And he even joked and he's like, yeah, maybe a millennial would say that.

[236] And I was like, yeah, but you're not going to say that.

[237] But you could come and say, hey, honey, I've got your back.

[238] And the mom, this is very important, and I'll wrap up.

[239] The mom and said, yeah, well, I want him to come and support me and I want him to fix it.

[240] And I was like, no, no, no, no. We are not going to fix things anymore.

[241] That is not what we do.

[242] And it is not what you want from your husband.

[243] You do not want him to come in and fix things one because he can't and two because there's probably nothing really to fix all you want for him all you want is when you are struggling to come and acknowledge and say if i were you i'd be really frustrated too that's it or to come in and say hey honey i've got your back right you want to go for a walk you want to come sit with me once you look do this do this for the next week Instead of fighting, instead of getting on each other's nerves, instead of have a little code word, have a little tradition when you're starting to get when that happens of maybe you walk into the living room and instead of yelling at the kids and trying to fix all of that, picture this.

[244] Picture wife and husband sitting on a sofa and wife turns her back to her husband and he just rubs her shoulders.

[245] Now I know some of you are like, I don't really want him touching me and she doesn't really deserve that.

[246] Look, neither of you deserve anything from each other because you both have your faults, just like I have my faults, my wife has her faults, we all have our faults, we all have, and this is what I told the couple is like, I bet you, without even knowing you, I could tell you three irritating things about each of you.

[247] You know why?

[248] Because you're a man and a woman, you're human.

[249] That means you're irritating, right?

[250] It's not like it's going to be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that.

[251] You have legitimate reasons why you don't want to rub you each other's backs or be supportive.

[252] I get that.

[253] You do.

[254] So if you want to live, right, in misery and just have your justifiable, justify, feel justified in not working on it, good.

[255] Then just get ready to have a divorce and, uh, and lose a lot of money and sleep and then you'll have no emotional support, right?

[256] But let's be grownups with this.

[257] Do I feel, do I feel like rubbing her back right now?

[258] No, but do you think she feels like doing things for you?

[259] Probably not.

[260] And guess what we do is grown -ups?

[261] We do it anyway because it's the right thing to do.

[262] And sometimes when you do the right thing and you take actions, the feelings follow the actions.

[263] If you're waiting for the feelings to come back, probably not going to happen.

[264] But you start doing that.

[265] Look, I want to come up with things for, right i i don't expect hubby to come in with some uh emotionally evolved way of speaking and expressing himself but if all he does when his wife is getting upset with the kids is come in and hold her hand put his hand on his shoulder and say come on and i've got your back and you know what that means i've got your back i'm going to rub your back so you sit on the sofa and you let me touch you and you give her a little back massage you look i can you're going to be like well that's kind of stupid really can you imagine that you don't have to talk because probably the more you talk the more stupid things you say to each other so take an action and your wife relaxes and you're touching her and you know that you're giving to her and you've got her back and you're supporting her and now she's not all wrapped up with the kids.

[266] And look, the kids get to look in and say, huh, my mom and dad are actually sitting together on the sofa.

[267] If you don't think that's going to change their behavior and make them feel more stable in the home and like they've got two parents who can deal with stuff, that's more important than any lecture you do.

[268] So let's work on that this week.

[269] Does that make, let's work on that this week.

[270] It's good stuff.

[271] And if you need help with that.

[272] Go to the Christmas sale, get everything we own.

[273] Included in there is the strong will child in the ADHD University and there's a men's CD and mom CD, everything you need.

[274] But there's a calm couples program that you can do right from your home for your marriage.

[275] Don't start it right now during the holidays.

[276] But January 1st, let's jump into this.

[277] And as you go through that, you email me. And I will walk, anybody who emails me about working on their relationships and their marriage, I will help you.

[278] It is on there.

[279] If you, if you will, want to talk to me personally.

[280] Sometimes I can say things to your spouse that you can't say because I don't live with them and I'm a guy.

[281] Look that up on our website too and you can do the mentoring with me. Most of all, I want you to work on these things on your own and I want you to make progress and I want you to know we care about you and we're here to help.

[282] So email us and we will help you.

[283] It's what we exist to do.

[284] But anyway, thank you.

[285] Love you all and talk to you soon.

[286] Bye -bye.