MFM Minisode 266

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hello.

[2] And welcome to my favorite mirror.

[3] The minisode.

[4] It's fast.

[5] It's mini.

[6] It's just tiny and they're all your stories.

[7] So you're going to like it.

[8] Yeah.

[9] Want to go first?

[10] Sure.

[11] I really love this email.

[12] I'm just going to start by saying that.

[13] I'm excited.

[14] The subject line of this is job offer.

[15] Job offer on the apocalypse farm.

[16] Howdy.

[17] In this 262 minisode, there was a weird customer interaction story.

[18] so I decided to share mine.

[19] I worked for way too long at a chain hardware store in town.

[20] While there, I became a member of the garden section team with no knowledge of plants.

[21] And then in parentheses, I would eventually be promoted to sales lead, too.

[22] I never understood why, but I took the position for the raise.

[23] While working the sales floor, a man in his 60s or so asked me for help loading up bags of soil onto a cart.

[24] This was pretty common, and it's spelled P -E -R -T -Y.

[25] I love it.

[26] Which could have been a mistake, but I really enjoy it.

[27] This was pretty common for customers that were not able to load up soil for a variety of reasons or just didn't want to get dirty.

[28] I didn't mind.

[29] Doing this sort of grunt work kept me off the cash register and kept me in shape.

[30] This man was generally polite and had this ability to charm other customers into conversation with him while checking out at the register.

[31] While he was chatting with other customers, he'd brag about being a semi -retired professor in England, having multiple homes and cars, and how he would.

[32] He was just in town at his summer home near my college town.

[33] He soon became a regular, and I'd see him every week or two, and seemingly would always be the one to help him.

[34] It got to the point where he would wait or ask for me to help him out, loading up soil, picking up fertilizers, plants, etc. Again, I don't know plants, but I can read a package or look up information online like a champ.

[35] We'd chat a bit about nothing while I'd help him out, but it never seemed like we became friendly enough for what happened next.

[36] Yeah.

[37] One day I'm loading up soil for him and he says, Daniel, I want to make you an offer.

[38] I have a farm in the hills and I want you to run it.

[39] It's completely off the grid with solar panels, a creek with clean water, on -site filtrations for the water just to be safe and rations of canned and frozen food for at least a decade.

[40] Damn.

[41] Right?

[42] I want you to live there and tend the garden and the grounds so there's always fresh produce.

[43] Thinking he was joking, I asked, what does this pay?

[44] He said, I could pay you.

[45] Hell, I could pay you any price, but money isn't going to matter soon.

[46] You'll have everything you need on my property to keep busy and entertained.

[47] Plus, when society crashes, you wouldn't have anywhere to spend money anyway.

[48] Damn.

[49] I politely declined being this stranger's live -in apocalypse farmer.

[50] Living -an apocalypse farmer.

[51] It's so good.

[52] Saying I was in school, a band, and stuff I didn't want.

[53] want to walk away from.

[54] Really, it was because of, well, all of it.

[55] Yeah, yeah.

[56] He took this well, but came in a few weeks later and pitched the job one more time as a, quote, final offer.

[57] I said no again, and after that, he stopped asking for me and waiting for me to be free to help him.

[58] He'd still come in for stuff, right?

[59] He'd still come in for stuff, either getting help from other employees or loading up his stuff himself for a while, but eventually I never saw him again.

[60] I wonder still if there was a farm, if there is, if he's there now, or if anything he's ever said was true, Daniel.

[61] Oh, that's good.

[62] Apocalyptic farmer partner.

[63] How did you find land with a creek with clean running water?

[64] Right.

[65] And how do you even know it's clean?

[66] I lived, we had a creek that was behind our house, and I would never say that that water was clean.

[67] for any what what it's from the mountains like at the top of the mountains like the snow and the ice and everything actually this let's figure out where this farm is so we can also go to apocalypse farm when I mean it's true there was a fucking apocalypse I mean yes that idea though it's like you're gonna come and be my employee even though nothing's really happening at the mom right I'd rather go fight the zombies yeah and maybe stick around with people like more than you weird old professor that brags right too much it's where no start conversations with strangers just to tell them things about themselves because they want to tell things about themselves right it's just like if you're an accomplished professor in england that those people i find and this i'm basing this completely on watching like all creatures great and small they don't brag that much because they are accomplished like they feel the satisfaction they don't need to Right.

[68] Right.

[69] Take it down to the hardware store.

[70] Nobody cares.

[71] Truly.

[72] You know what I mean?

[73] Yeah, not with the apocalypse right around the corner.

[74] I'm trying to buy fucking al -wrench right now.

[75] Friends, can you fucking profess or whatever?

[76] Leave me to fuck alone.

[77] I'm trying to survive.

[78] God.

[79] Like anyone.

[80] That's right.

[81] I'm not going to reach the title.

[82] Hello, beautiful humans and non -human pals.

[83] Big fan, blah, blah.

[84] Been listening since episode four.

[85] I know.

[86] Go me. Yeah.

[87] Wow.

[88] Let us say it.

[89] Anyway, fine.

[90] You're mad.

[91] Let me start by saying guns were essentially a ban in Australia in 1996, with very few exceptions like law enforcement and farmers.

[92] Love that fact.

[93] Handle it.

[94] I know Americans are used to guns, but Aussie millennials are not.

[95] I'm 31, and I've never seen a gun up close until this day.

[96] So in April 2020, right as a pandemic was starting to impact daily life in Australia, I'm at my sales job for a big box store.

[97] Masks had just been mandated a few days before, and yet another entitled douchebag comes in bearing his germy face holes for all to see.

[98] I sass him until he begrudgingly accepts a disposable mask.

[99] There's a little passive aggressive banter, and he chooses his items.

[100] As I'm looking down at my POS system, I hear him.

[101] say, oh, fuck.

[102] I look up directly into his eyes as we both realize there's a gun pointed at his head.

[103] This is like 2 p .m. on a Tuesday and I'm on goddamn minimum wage.

[104] Yeah, for real.

[105] We're face to face, barely a meter apart.

[106] My eyes refocused and realize there are in fact four guns drawn on this man. Everyone freezes.

[107] The men holding the guns are all heavily tatted with shaved heads and beards.

[108] I'm heavily tattooed so I don't like to pigeonhole people, but naturally I assume I'm about to witness a biker gang hit.

[109] Two of the men holster their weapons and throw the man to the ground.

[110] He's screaming, I didn't do anything over and over, thrashing around on the floor.

[111] They pull out a wallet overflowing with cash out of his pocket and a gun from his waistband.

[112] It's only then that the attackers identify themselves as undercover police.

[113] this all happened in what feels like ages but was probably in fact 30 seconds i grab my radio and start paging any available goddamn adult get here fucking now my manager comes running i stutter they're arresting him there were guns then absent -mindedly turn and greet the next customer waiting with a soft how can i help you he stares at me in disbelief i burst into tears and raced for the break room how can i help you it's just doing the automatic thing it's like anyway um is this what i should do now next this person's good at customer service yeah okay it goes on about 10 minutes later a man in his 60s dressed in fishing clothes comes in and explains what i just what i just witnessed was half of his undercover team arresting a suspicious driver that had been clocked going 180 kilometers or 111 miles thank you for that per hour they'd been and following him for 700 kilometers, 435 -ish miles, waiting for a safe time to nab him.

[114] The other half of his squad had surrounded the car in the car park, arrested two more men, and seized eight kilograms, 17 .64 pounds of cocaine and some guns.

[115] 17 pounds of cocaine.

[116] That's a lot of pounds.

[117] Yeah, that's like a toddler pounds.

[118] That's like four bags of sugar of cocaine.

[119] I never felt safe at that job again.

[120] This was only the first in a long line of insane pandemic madness we witnessed in my store.

[121] We've had everything from teenagers with axes to organize gangs sweeping entire departments in minutes.

[122] Shit.

[123] Yes, the company paid for my therapy.

[124] Good.

[125] That's where my fucking hooray comes in.

[126] Now, in November 2021, after 14 years in that fluorescent hellscape, 14 fucking years at a job, can you matter?

[127] Shit.

[128] Yeah.

[129] which is how many years and well that would be like 19 yeah in metric i quit to pursue my dream of full -time portrait photography it's kind of a stupid time to become a wedding photographer but it's still easily the best decision i've ever made i'll take my chaotic starving artist's life over wage slavery any day what happened was super traumatic but it was the push i needed to start working on my crippling anxiety i've since received an ADHD ASD diagnosis and started medication.

[130] I'm learning to work with my differences rather than against them.

[131] Thank you for all you do to normalize mental health, therapy, and medication.

[132] Be nice to retail and hospo workers.

[133] You never know what they've been going through.

[134] Oh, yeah.

[135] Stay sexy and don't sass an armed drug dealer unless he deserves it.

[136] Jill.

[137] P .S. Everyone always asks.

[138] He was buying an iPhone and a Fitbit.

[139] Jesus Christ.

[140] So Jill worked at like either a Target or a Macy's or a Walmart.

[141] It sounds like, yeah, it seems like, yeah, something, but like with tech stuff.

[142] So yeah, yeah, damn.

[143] Maybe it was like a best buy or the Australian equivalent.

[144] I don't know.

[145] Yeah.

[146] Terrifying.

[147] So scary.

[148] And also it is like it's a great reminder is in it.

[149] It's because everyone is going insane and so stressed out and so scared.

[150] And everyone's been convinced lately that we have to hate other people and fight other people and whatever.

[151] But those people taking it are retail workers and people that have to like Starbucks workers.

[152] Totally.

[153] Yeah.

[154] Hospitality workers and retail and fucking minimum wage jobs.

[155] Yeah.

[156] Just be polite.

[157] Be polite.

[158] And then also know everybody is really.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Everybody is really dealing with some stuff right now.

[161] And tip well, I think.

[162] If you can.

[163] Yeah.

[164] And also, just don't take it personally.

[165] Just know deep down, if somebody's being a real prick, they're probably deserved to be arrested.

[166] Is that helpful?

[167] Does that help?

[168] It does.

[169] It's comforting in this time of need.

[170] Right.

[171] Well, I'm not going to read the subject line because it gives it away.

[172] Guys, don't tell the end in your subject line.

[173] Just basic storytelling.

[174] Save the good stuff for the law.

[175] For the ending, okay.

[176] Hey, friends, this has nothing to do with anything.

[177] I just think it's a great story.

[178] So, my dad traveled to Russia in 1991, right, as a part of a diplomatic trip to figure out if certain nuclear waste laws and policies were in okay shape after the fall of the Soviet Union.

[179] And then in parentheses, it says, side note, is my dad a spy?

[180] My dad said that if they wanted access to any information, then they had to bribe a government official or the lower.

[181] local mob boss.

[182] So he's in some town in the middle of nowhere near a nuclear plant, and this Russian mob boss walks into the meeting room with bodyguards and an entourage.

[183] Without saying a word, he takes a huge knife out from somewhere and slams the tip of the blade into the table so it's sticking straight up.

[184] My dad, having some questions and possibly some concerns, looks to the translator who says, he's showing you that he's unarmed.

[185] You should do the same.

[186] So my dad makes a big show of reaching into his pocket and takes out a tiny Swiss Army knife.

[187] He unfolds it, sticks the tip into the table, scowling fiercely.

[188] The mob boss bursts into laughter, orders them both drinks.

[189] Yes, in a meeting.

[190] And they were best bros. Stay sexy and let's all just avoid bringing knives into meetings in the first place, Abby.

[191] That hilarious.

[192] Humor.

[193] Humor is the key.

[194] to all diplomacy.

[195] Oh, my God.

[196] Let people know that you see them and you think they're a tiny bit ridiculous.

[197] It's a good power move.

[198] This is called real estate agents beware.

[199] And it just starts.

[200] This story came to me as a local true cautionary tale from my real estate teacher, who is the managing broker at his office.

[201] There was a young agent who was hosting an open house in a quiet neighborhood.

[202] At closing time, the agent began locking up when a final customer walks up seemingly out of nowhere.

[203] This agent explained to him that the house was now closed and she could not let him in.

[204] He begged her to show him the house.

[205] He told her that he just needed to see the basement and that he would leave after seeing the basement.

[206] The agent politely declined and told him he can come next week during the next open house.

[207] The man was visibly angry but agreed and left.

[208] The next week came, but the agent had a bad feeling about that man. So she asked another agent who was a strong martial artist to cover her open house.

[209] Good.

[210] Sure enough, the man came back to the house again at closing time.

[211] Upon meeting this new agent, he asked where the other girl was.

[212] He became irate that the original agent was not there.

[213] He stormed off down the street with no car to be seen.

[214] A couple weeks later, while they had the news playing in their real estate office, my teacher heard screaming from the other room.

[215] Both agents were screaming, that's him.

[216] That's the man from the open house.

[217] Oh, that was the day that Denton.

[218] Reader was finally caught.

[219] BTK had been stalking the young agent for weeks, but was finally caught after 30 years before he could finish the job.

[220] Stay sexy and trust your instincts and don't get murdered.

[221] No name.

[222] I mean.

[223] Can.

[224] The irate that she wasn't there and the irate that she wouldn't, you're crying, wouldn't let him in.

[225] It's, it's, it's, I'm always.

[226] grateful when the story is I had the feeling and I listened to myself and I did the thing that maybe other people thought was weird and I was fucking right and I was this is more than right the danger like we are all animals you can sense danger off of other people it doesn't mean you should be paranoid and like always being reactive or whatever but you should be paying attention and stuff like that that's a really smart person who went why would you want to see the basement.

[227] Why do I have to be here?

[228] Why are you here when no one else is here?

[229] Why are you angry that I'm not letting you in?

[230] And the thing too about I kind of love the like inconveniencing someone else because like instead of being polite and like I'll just go back.

[231] I don't want to end convenient anyone or make them work on a Sunday in the same way that it's like get someone to walk you to your car at night if you're scared like after work.

[232] It's like you can ask someone and they'll be hopefully understanding and and take you like.

[233] They'll be understanding.

[234] I think it's just like such a huge thing that she she trusted her instinct so much that she got other people involved.

[235] I just didn't think it was going to be BTK, the one of the worst serial killers and one of the worst, like he was a torture.

[236] He was, he was craven beyond belief.

[237] Yeah.

[238] And he had killed people in basements before, too.

[239] Yes.

[240] And it killed children in basements.

[241] Like, oh, everything about that.

[242] Thank God.

[243] I know.

[244] I know.

[245] Isn't that wild?

[246] Ooh.

[247] My next one's funny.

[248] Don't worry.

[249] Mine is two.

[250] Okay, great.

[251] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[252] Absolutely.

[253] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[254] Exactly.

[255] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[256] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[257] That's right.

[258] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere.

[259] online, in store, on social media, and beyond.

[260] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[261] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

[262] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[263] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[264] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[265] Connect with customers inline and online.

[266] right with Shopify.

[267] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[268] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[269] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[270] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[271] Goodbye.

[272] I can't you read you the subject line?

[273] It gives it away.

[274] Hi, friends.

[275] This past summer, my family and I were visiting one of our favorite spots on the West Coast, Lincoln City, Oregon.

[276] This was our first outing since COVID began.

[277] And since we were all vaxed and staying masked, we decided a little time at the beach would do us all good.

[278] We've been heading to the shore for as long as I can remember.

[279] And each time we go, we stop at the same local chocolate shop for amazing homemade chocolate.

[280] They really scratched out amazing.

[281] Amazing.

[282] This year, as we walked over from our hotel, we could see that the open sign on the shop was not lit.

[283] But the store hours indicated that they were open and we could see the owner inside.

[284] the door was not locked, so I decided to stick my fully masked keywords, head in, and quickly check if they were open.

[285] When I leaned my body in, I found the owner on the phone.

[286] As to not disturb their conversation, I quietly mouthed note under my mask.

[287] Are you closed?

[288] To which she shrugged back not taking a break from her conversation.

[289] What?

[290] At this point, I felt like I was intruding, but I was committed.

[291] This time I pointed to the cash register and quietly mouthed note again under my mask.

[292] Are you closed?

[293] And again, she said, what?

[294] I realized the mask faux pa and I was making and that she couldn't lip read through my double layered mask that was up above the nose and below the chin where it belongs.

[295] Good for you.

[296] And thought for a second on how to gesture are you closed with half my body that was leaning in the doorway?

[297] What I came up with in the moment was this.

[298] I pointed my index finger right at her and then I proceeded to bring my index finger to my throat and slash it slowly across my neck in a horizontal motion.

[299] Oh my God.

[300] All while making direct eye contact and still mouthing, are you closed?

[301] Oh my God.

[302] Her eyes lit up with fear and I figured I must really be disturbing her phone call so I just nodded and slowly headed back out under the sidewalk where my family was waiting.

[303] I told told my family they must be closed and made it a good 10 steps before realizing I just threatened to kill the shop over.

[304] I can't cry?

[305] can you imagine that woman's fear?

[306] She's just like, what the fuck?

[307] I turn to tell my sister.

[308] Also, the pointing at you first.

[309] You're dead.

[310] And you're wearing a mask so there is a real, like, There's a real anonymous element to the threat.

[311] Oh, my.

[312] I turned to tell my sister what I'd done when the door of the chocolate shop flung open and the owner yelled, um, excuse me!

[313] And I had to convince her and my stunned family that I was incredibly sorry.

[314] I wasn't threatening her.

[315] I had just lost all semblance of social skills in the last year and a half of lockdown and that we really just wanted to know if they were open or closed.

[316] I'm not sure she believed me, but she did let us in to make our purchases.

[317] And when we circled back to the shop, an hour later, the open sign was bright and lit.

[318] Oh, my God.

[319] Mondays and Thursdays have been a light in the dark for the past few years as I earned my doctorate.

[320] Wow.

[321] And there are a few things in life that bring me as much joy as hearing the intro song to a new MFM episode.

[322] Oh, thank you for being you.

[323] Stay sexy and get the vaccine so I don't accidentally threaten anyone else.

[324] Caitlin Beautifully written Beautiful Wow Wow Are you cool That is epic And it's so funny As soon as she was like I lost my social skills I just had flashbacks To the first time I hung out with people And it's like Yeah you forget how to communicate At all Well I like to tell the story of Alejandra who works on the show with us Yeah And when we had our Halloween party right when I first met her I yelled you're so tall into her face because I assumed seeing her on Zoom yeah that I knew how I assumed how tall she was right she's a little bit taller than average it's not the kind of thing you should be yelling at people it was so embarrassing and I was like oh my God what am I doing it was so embarrassing oh the times oh the times Alejandro is the one by the way who goes through the emails and reads all of these and brings them to us and she's killing it and doing a great job.

[325] She's doing such a good job.

[326] Yeah.

[327] Like I have so many that I want to reuse.

[328] Okay.

[329] I'm not going to read you the title of my last one.

[330] Dear Karen, Georgia, MFM team and assorted pets.

[331] I found news articles for this story, but in the spirit of a hometown, I wanted to write down my account as I remember it from my senior year of high school before actually reading the articles.

[332] Don't worry.

[333] I will correct myself if something is super wrong.

[334] I love that.

[335] Like, I'm going to write it down and remember it, and then I'll fact check.

[336] Yeah, then we'll see.

[337] Yeah.

[338] Well, the brutal crime took place in 2015.

[339] I need to go back a bit for everyone to understand the gravity and emotional uphill of the situation.

[340] I grew up in what used to be a relatively small town about 20 miles outside of Seattle called Issaquah.

[341] We have a charming little downtown with restaurants, a theater, a million -daughter quartet, and next to normal open there.

[342] I don't know what that means.

[343] few.

[344] Those are two movies, I believe.

[345] Okay.

[346] And at the very end of our main street, we had a staples office supply, a drive -thru espresso stand, and a farm store tucked behind it.

[347] Growing up, everyone knew about McNugget, the rooster.

[348] He escaped from the farm store sometime around 2002, and I'd just been roaming around since.

[349] He was a total townie.

[350] He used to fly up to the coffee shop to get handouts from the always willing baristas, sleep in the trees, lining the streets down, downtown and patrol the Staples parking lot in his free time.

[351] He even had a Seattle Times article published about him back in 2013.

[352] Oh, yeah.

[353] A pillar of the community, if you will.

[354] It was April of 2015 when tragedy occurred.

[355] I remember the news reverberating around school that morning.

[356] McNugget had been murdered.

[357] It feels unreal typing this out right now that this is something that actually happened, but it was big news.

[358] Apparently a woman called the espresso stand, McNugget's daytime number, to let them know that she had seen, all caps, a dog running off with the rooster in its mouth.

[359] The woman then tried to chase down the dog that was unsuccessful.

[360] At first, the community was in denial.

[361] Perhaps the woman was mistaken, or maybe she had seen a dog running off with a different black rooster.

[362] But when McNugget didn't show up to the espresso stand for his breakfast the next morning, our worst fears were.

[363] confirmed.

[364] Following days, I believe there was a small candlelight visual held at the espresso stand.

[365] And in the following months, a shrine popped up built in his honor.

[366] A local artist painted a picture of him with a board next to it for everyone to write down sentiments about McNugget.

[367] Someone else built a metal sculpture of him and all of those things are still at the espresso shop to this day.

[368] Our only solace was knowing that he was at least a 13 year old rooster when many don't live past eight and at least he went out with a bang i have since moved to michigan for school and work but every time i'm back home i make sure to go get a coffee from mcnugget's place i love i don't i love this story thank you all for everything you do to make this podcast as well as all the others on the network happen mfm a hundred percent got me through grad school and through the pandemic.

[369] Also, I have pictures that I took of the McNugget Memorial, but I couldn't attach them to the website form.

[370] Let me know if you want to see him.

[371] Yes, McNugget.

[372] Stay sexy and live free like McNugget did.

[373] Signed Sage.

[374] Live free, baby.

[375] I love, well, you know what?

[376] It's cool because that kind of small town stuff, it's like these days, it doesn't happen that much anymore.

[377] So when it can and does happen and it's like, It's about the community.

[378] Totally.

[379] It's just about people being like, this is our chicken.

[380] He escaped from the farm store.

[381] It's like, Lil Sebastian.

[382] Yeah, we're going to support this guy and let him live free.

[383] Like, oh, McNuggett.

[384] Everyone is like living vicariously.

[385] I love that during his free time.

[386] He would, he would talk.

[387] God, I would go meet him and make him be my friend.

[388] His daytime number is the espresso.

[389] Daytime number.

[390] That's genius.

[391] Oh, McNuggett.

[392] Love you.

[393] love you um this was on video if you want to watch it on the mc on the mcnugget on the mcnugget on the fan colts she's or renaming it mcnugget tm oh wait sorry really quick i just got a cease and desist order from the mcdonalds corporation no we're not um ding dong what that lawyer works really fast got that i get a did he bring a mcrib um yeah thanks guys thanks guys your your participation in this podcast is what makes it happen.

[394] And we really love you and appreciate you for it.

[395] We also love these little insane slices of life that we get in these emails.

[396] So stay sexy.

[397] And don't get murdered.

[398] Goodbye.

[399] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[400] This has been an exactly right production.

[401] Our producer is Hannah Kyle Kreiton.

[402] Associate producer, Alejandra Keck.

[403] Engineering and mixer.

[404] Stephen.

[405] Ray Morris.

[406] Researchers, Jay Elias and Haley gray send us your hometowns and your fucking hoorays at my favorite murder at gmail .com and follow the show on instagram and facebook at my favorite murder and twitter at my fave murder and for more information about this podcast our live shows merch or to join the fancult go to my favorite murder dot com rate review and subscribe