Chris Robinson

[0] Hi, my name is Chris Robinson.

[1] And I feel confused about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] I don't see why you'd be confused.

[3] I think we have a natural affection.

[4] We do, but I get mixed messages from you.

[5] I'm a Sagittarian, and I'm very sensitive.

[6] And you know what?

[7] I need more attention.

[8] You need more attention for me?

[9] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend joined as always by my chums, I suppose, contractual chums.

[10] Sonam obsession.

[11] That's a good way to put it.

[12] We have contracts?

[13] And we're chums?

[14] Yours is written on a lettuce leaf.

[15] Listen, you just, I was trying to do the introduction, and you kept badgering me about my face, which you say is...

[16] It looks extra red like you got a little sunburned.

[17] I did, or I'm having some sort of stroke.

[18] Oh.

[19] It could be that.

[20] But I think it's because I got a lot of sun and I'll tell you why I was in New York City for a couple of days on business.

[21] I'm a man that's got affairs to manage.

[22] And I was walking around Manhattan a lot.

[23] You love to walk.

[24] I do like to walk.

[25] The tropical paradise of Manhattan.

[26] Well, at this time of year, this time of year, late spring, early summer.

[27] Yeah, and so...

[28] Nothing provides shade there.

[29] Well, okay.

[30] This is a fun thing that you're doing, you know?

[31] I'm Fred Astaire trying to dance, and you keep throwing concrete cinder blocks at my feet.

[32] Anyway, yes.

[33] I was there and it rained the entire time we were there.

[34] Oh!

[35] What is going on?

[36] And you know what?

[37] Adam doesn't look at all like he got any sun.

[38] Adam, to clarify...

[39] The first day that we were there, it was sunny, and I was walking around a lot on that day, and it doesn't take me very long to get red.

[40] Now, that I buy.

[41] So I did, yes.

[42] So I did.

[43] I mean, so yeah, okay, Perry Mason.

[44] He did get you.

[45] I'm consulting the Almanac.

[46] It rained.

[47] I think I was there for four days, but I got a lot of sun the first day walking around, and then the rest of the time it was raining.

[48] I did have a very unique, just a very New York experience.

[49] My agent was walking with me. Rick Rosen, we were walking hand in hand as agent and client do.

[50] You're skipping.

[51] Yeah, it was skipping.

[52] La, la, la, la. He was taking 10 % of my joy.

[53] But anyway, walking down the street, and this was on the sunny day.

[54] And this guy was probably in his 30s.

[55] And he had that New York look of, you know, everyone there was honking their horns and uptight.

[56] Yeah, they hunk a lot.

[57] They hunk a lot because the traffic was bad and people were uptight.

[58] Big honkers.

[59] And yeah.

[60] And I'm walking.

[61] walking along with my agent and this guy is walking by and he looks kind of intense and he sees me and he says, I really fucking like your show.

[62] It's fucking good.

[63] But he said it and my agent said, what's he so mad about?

[64] And he's a fan of the podcast.

[65] But he said it like, I'm going to fucking kill you.

[66] But if you just look at the transcript, what he said was quite nice.

[67] He said, I really fucking like you.

[68] I like that fucking show.

[69] And then he kept walking and off to, I think, stack.

[70] someone in the eye but I was wondering do you find people often like your material against their will yes I think that is one way to look at it is every it was going against his better judgment and he was angry but I also felt like that's probably how he proposed to his wife I want to marry you I'm going to marry the shit out of you I'm going to put a fucking ring on your finger we're going to be together for 50 years and be happy and create eternal bond be buried side by side you fucker like but that's how that kind of felt like who he was I get a little angrier in New York because you have to be on your A game you know you're walking and then you're behind someone who's slow and you're like this fucking person who's slow and then you walk around everybody's sunburned okay I'm telling you this is what happens if I'm someplace for four days and one day is sunny I will come back you know looking like a tomato I just will.

[71] My, I have, and I should have put on some sunscreen.

[72] I usually am pretty good about it.

[73] You are?

[74] You are what?

[75] You are good about putting on sunscreen.

[76] Yeah, but I didn't do it when I was in New York because I thought the same thing you guys are thinking, I'm not going to put on sunscreen and walk around New York City.

[77] And again, it didn't even seem that sunny out.

[78] I shouldn't live on planet Earth.

[79] Yeah.

[80] I don't think I belong on Earth.

[81] All right.

[82] So what happens now when you get a little burnt?

[83] Like, do you have to, like, go see your dermatologist?

[84] Okay.

[85] Okay.

[86] All right.

[87] I don't know how it works with you.

[88] I don't think I'm with me. Yeah.

[89] I have to go into a hyperbaric chamber.

[90] And I have to be attended to by Mormons for nine weeks.

[91] What?

[92] They put creams and stuff on your friends.

[93] Yeah, they cover me with creams.

[94] It's a Howard Hughes reference.

[95] He was attended by Mormons.

[96] You've got to know your references.

[97] Why are the Mormons?

[98] Howard Hughes was very controlling and he wanted white male Mormons to take care of him.

[99] I think he thought, you know, I mean, look, the man was kind of kooky.

[100] Was he?

[101] Yes, a little kooky.

[102] I don't know how we, you sidetracked me, but I did what I thought was a clever reference and you could pick it up or not, but then.

[103] I just asked.

[104] No, I know.

[105] And I'm telling you.

[106] I just asked.

[107] And you know what?

[108] And you know what?

[109] If you were working for Howard Hughes, he'd be right now clawing at you with his 10 -inch fingernails.

[110] To be fair, I kind of am working for Howard Hughes.

[111] Oh, please.

[112] I have more money than him.

[113] Wait, what happened?

[114] That's me. That's my last.

[115] That's my large.

[116] Let me explain.

[117] Dogs and cats.

[118] Let me explain to the listener what just happened.

[119] Why did your alarm go up?

[120] Because it was because I had to put money.

[121] That's a microphone.

[122] I had to put money in my meter.

[123] Okay.

[124] And I, and people are probably going to be like, what?

[125] You have to pay to go to work.

[126] And you know what?

[127] You give us all free parking spaces, but it's too far.

[128] What is that?

[129] These are very sensitive electronics underneath this table.

[130] Now, Eduardo freaks out because Eduardo built this studio.

[131] and, Eduardo, why you explain what could be happening to the electronic system?

[132] Wait, can we finish the story?

[133] Because you didn't explain what happened just now.

[134] We'll get there in a second.

[135] Can you let the, will you let the coach run the team?

[136] Is that, are you the coach?

[137] Yeah, I'm a very masculine coach.

[138] This is Friday night lights.

[139] This will be brief.

[140] You're not coach Taylor.

[141] Thankfully, the water spilled over two microphone ports that we don't use that often, but essentially...

[142] I've got a port I don't use too often.

[143] But if we try to connect microphones to them, likelihood is they're not going to work now.

[144] Oh, is that true?

[145] Now, do we have to take the whole, you know, table apart?

[146] I'll probably have to take the table apart at a future date and replace those two in the...

[147] Wait, why did you build something that could, is it made of sugar?

[148] What, what's the, why did you build something that was so fragile?

[149] Well, electronics and water usually not a good combination.

[150] Unless you know what you're doing.

[151] So, yeah.

[152] Now, I'm just saying, Eduardo, I'm not...

[153] Jesus, guys.

[154] Did we even meant, did you even mention coach?

[155] that you'd spilled water all over the table?

[156] Well, I think you're the one to blame because your alarm went off.

[157] I went to get your phone to turn it off.

[158] My microphone knocked over a glass of water.

[159] All I know is, I'm not to blame.

[160] I retract the formula.

[161] Electronics, water, and Conan.

[162] Not a good conversation.

[163] I have a question.

[164] But shouldn't we, if we're not using ports, shouldn't they be covered?

[165] Aren't there port covers that we could be using?

[166] You're not going to blame him, Eduardo.

[167] No, Eduardo.

[168] Don't you think that might be smart?

[169] Or can we put covers on the glasses?

[170] No, that wouldn't work because people frequently sit from the glasses.

[171] But if a microphone is, port is not in use, it should be covered.

[172] It should be covered.

[173] Should it not?

[174] Now, tell me if you think I have a decent idea here, Adam.

[175] Be fair.

[176] Okay, you're so far away from a microphone.

[177] He said it was raining in New York.

[178] I think we should cover the microphone courts because...

[179] I think it is a brilliant idea.

[180] And Eduardo, I forgive you.

[181] This idea.

[182] Eduardo, I forgive you for not thinking of it.

[183] Okay, wait.

[184] That only covers part of the problem because what if...

[185] What if your water just spilled all the way to Sona's mic, potentially, and Gore Lee's original mic?

[186] I would get to the water long before that happens.

[187] I have a comment to make.

[188] When you heard my phone go off, did you try to reach for my phone because you thought the phone was ringing and you wanted to answer it?

[189] No, I thought it was ringing with a soft G. Oh, gosh.

[190] I've never put up a rap sign more fervently than this.

[191] Maybe you need to grow up and not reach for my phone.

[192] You're going to tip over your water.

[193] Maybe it's behavioral.

[194] Okay.

[195] Well, I guess, oh, of course, Eduardo's on your side because he was the one that failed to build the challenger properly.

[196] So what you're saying is, you're saying, Sonny, you're saying bad boundaries is what tipped over that one.

[197] I'm saying if you were a little bit more mature in handling my phone going off than this entire situation.

[198] During, during a podcast?

[199] I think that's an egregious mistake.

[200] Give me a parking spot.

[201] Give you a parking spot.

[202] You see how much space is back there.

[203] I know.

[204] Now, Jeff likes to come and park in kind of a funky way.

[205] Yeah.

[206] Of course, Adam has to be here, right?

[207] Yeah.

[208] But Jeff sent his car over even when he doesn't come in.

[209] He has someone drive his car over and wedge it into the parking space.

[210] Some of us have families.

[211] Andy comes with a big van that runs on, you know, castor oil.

[212] And so there's no room back there.

[213] I know.

[214] And, you know, in your defense, I don't know why I'm defending you after just criticizing you.

[215] You do give me a free parking space.

[216] It's just like a block away.

[217] And I just don't want to, I don't want to walk.

[218] Of course, we are from L .A. You don't walk.

[219] You guys never formed legs.

[220] Oh, wow.

[221] Wow.

[222] You can't.

[223] Anyway, you can't be out in the sun.

[224] I think what we learned here is the following.

[225] Okay.

[226] There was enough sun for me to get burned in New York.

[227] So Adam, you lose.

[228] The microphone ports should be covered.

[229] You should have thought of that, Eduardo.

[230] Sona, you have a free parking space.

[231] It's only a block away.

[232] You could have gotten there and you should turn off your alarm when you come in.

[233] Conan wins again.

[234] Hey, my guest today is a musician and co -founder of the Black Crows, whose 10th studio album Happiness Bastards is out now.

[235] Chris Robinson, welcome.

[236] You're going to get so much attention from me. I adore you.

[237] You know that.

[238] I am a massive fan of your work.

[239] We can get into all that.

[240] But boy, you talk about, oh, man, I've always wanted to meet Chris Robinson.

[241] And then from the first time I met you when you would come on the late night show, you were so goddamn hilarious.

[242] And then I'm talking, I ran into you recently, and let's just say we hung out for a little bit.

[243] Let's just say.

[244] Let's just say, why you got to.

[245] See what I mean about these mixed messages?

[246] Let's just say there was a hang.

[247] There was a hang with the Robinson brothers.

[248] Maybe we did and maybe we did.

[249] And some tequila was involved, some high -end tequila.

[250] We had a really good time.

[251] And you were making me laugh so hard.

[252] And at one point you said something to me, I think you mentioned your wife, and you said, and I said, oh, your wife.

[253] And you said, yes, yes, my third wife.

[254] And then you said, I'm not afraid to love, Conan.

[255] And I started laughing so hard.

[256] And I started laughing so hard.

[257] And you were that level of funny the whole time.

[258] Wow.

[259] And I was just so delighted.

[260] Yeah, because you're a, you're a very talented musician, frontman for one of the great bands of all time.

[261] And I also think you are a comedian.

[262] I think you are a really funny fucking comedian.

[263] My initial foray into the business we all know is show.

[264] Thank you.

[265] And when I was a teenager, I didn't, you know, I knew I wasn't probably going to be the manager at Barnes & Nobles or whatever.

[266] Because you didn't try.

[267] You need to really dedicate yourself.

[268] My dyslexic reality has made it very difficult for me in the day job world.

[269] So I had an acting class and I was horrible.

[270] I was a horrible actor.

[271] But the guy who ran it had like a, you know, like a local cable show.

[272] It was like a sketch comedy show.

[273] And I would be like, oh, I can do the rabbi who sells, you know, barbecue or whatever.

[274] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[275] He thought I wasn't a good actor, but he thought I was funny.

[276] And he was like, oh, write some sketches.

[277] And then I started doing that.

[278] And then the very first thing I ever did was stand -up comedy at this club.

[279] I opened for like, what's the guy's name, Washington, older.

[280] George Washington Not that guy No, he never did He always performed as a duo He performed as a duo I mean he's a very big one You went right to the oldest And the most famous Washington Which is cool that we could just narrow it down so quickly Well Clelly Harris was made it big It was no but he's big He's big he's a black comic He wears it he's older He wears him Kengal backwards George Wallace Yes George Wallace you confuse him with another famous statesman.

[281] George.

[282] Yes.

[283] Make America George Wallace again.

[284] They're doing it in Alabama.

[285] You open for George Wallace.

[286] But yes, George Wallace, I opened for him.

[287] That's crazy.

[288] And it was horrible.

[289] I didn't know any of this.

[290] He was funny.

[291] And I do wonder sometimes, though, if I had, you know what I mean?

[292] Because like anything else, you practice the dark arts.

[293] Comedy is a whole world.

[294] an entire dimensional thing.

[295] But trust me, Chris, you chose wisely because every comedian myself included, we dabble, I walk around, I play my guitar in front of the mirror still at my advanced age, I dream about, you know, getting to live that life.

[296] And I don't even mean, in a big way, I mean, if I was just touring and just barely getting by in an old van, I would do the same thing, I would do it, I would do that.

[297] I met the chuckle bucket in Oklahoma.

[298] I've put on 50 pounds.

[299] It's like Jake LaMotta talking at the end of his career.

[300] And I dream, too.

[301] Can I dream?

[302] You can dream.

[303] You can dream.

[304] You guys should switch.

[305] You take on the Black Crows and you take on this podcast.

[306] I know, but he's been very successful.

[307] My dream.

[308] Like, his music dream goes to life.

[309] Mine would, I'm telling you, I would take on.

[310] You're like Johnny Thunders in New Orleans, the last day before it's all over.

[311] Was it a crime?

[312] We don't know.

[313] I would take down the Black Crows instantly.

[314] You would let me borrow the Black Crows for one day, and it would be, nope, it's over.

[315] And you can never use that name again.

[316] I remember very clearly, and I've talked to you about this, but your band was very important to me at a very important time.

[317] So around 1990 is when I'm, around the time I'm leaving SNL and I go work on The Simpsons.

[318] And I am driving around a lot alone.

[319] And I am listening to shake your money maker until the thing just, I think I had a, just back when you would slide a CD into the Ford Taurus you were driving around.

[320] And that's a true story.

[321] God forbid a cassette gets in there.

[322] Yeah, God forbid, yeah.

[323] I think my problem was I was shoving a cassette into the CD slide.

[324] But it sounded great still.

[325] I listened to that and I thought, this is so great.

[326] And then flash forward a little time and I'm about to leave The Simpsons.

[327] and I know that something big is going to happen in my life.

[328] I can just sense it.

[329] I'm about to take on this late night show.

[330] And the Southern Harmony and Musical Companion comes out.

[331] And for my money, as much as I know Shake Your Money Maker was the Atomic Bomb Blast, I think the Southern Harmony and Musical and Companion is a perfect, perfect.

[332] Thank you.

[333] I mean, I think it's probably our, you know, it's our best one.

[334] It's absolutely fantastic.

[335] And I listen to it and I listen to it and I listen to it.

[336] And I would listen to Remedy and then into Thorn and my pride.

[337] And I would drive around at night like a serial killer without the killing part.

[338] Yeah, yeah.

[339] Which, you know, kind of ruined it.

[340] But just the obsession and the focus and the staring.

[341] Letting the, and choosing my victims but not doing anything.

[342] Yeah, let the, you have a van that's ready, but you just never use it.

[343] I have all these tools, but I don't use those either.

[344] Let the madness.

[345] overtake you but not completely sweep you away of course every walk to the edge you know what I was I was the slacker serial killer I never quite could get my ass up and do the actual crime oh you're like the serial killer with obsessive compulsive disorder who's like I don't like I can't touch entrails and wool there must be a chat room for that but anyway that was huge for me and then over the years on the late night show you guys would come on and one of my favorite memories and I have a still photo of it somewhere you were touring with the great Jimmy Page you and your brother The Black Crows with Jimmy Page We call him, you know, Jim.

[346] I'm just kidding.

[347] I call him Mr. Page.

[348] You call him Sir Page.

[349] You call him Sir Page.

[350] But But you guys did something with him, which was mind -blowing.

[351] And then you came over and you sat down.

[352] And you had said just before the show, you said, hey, Conan, I want you to bring out the masturbating bear while I'm sitting there.

[353] I thought he would be here today.

[354] Yeah.

[355] It's the only reason you're here.

[356] Now it's like we have a lactating raccoon.

[357] It's a male of a raccoon.

[358] We're out of oat milk, but bring that raccoon's, the raccoon's nipples are like hanging on the table, like, leave me alone.

[359] Enough.

[360] What's wrong with you?

[361] Get some fucking oat milk.

[362] Like everybody else in Los Angeles.

[363] So I said yes.

[364] So the great thing is that, of course, you and Rich, you know what's going on.

[365] You've watched the show before.

[366] You were chatting with Jimmy Page, the creator of Led Zeppelin, when all of a sudden we had the bear come out and start masturbating in front of Jimmy.

[367] And you and your brother are howling, laughing.

[368] And Jimmy has this look of like, I've seen it all.

[369] I'm sorry.

[370] And he didn't know what it was, but a bear came out in a diaper and started masturbating in front of him on national television.

[371] And he was just like, oh, this happened in 72.

[372] Yeah, yeah.

[373] In Seattle, my boy.

[374] He's like, I live in Alistair Crowley's home.

[375] You know what I mean?

[376] This is nothing.

[377] You think a masturbating bear will phase me?

[378] The Led Zeppelin Jet was flown by a masturbating bear.

[379] And he's like, and, you know, in his mind, he's like, that bear's not really masturbating.

[380] He just simply touching the bulge in his diaper very quickly.

[381] My boy, let me show you how it's done.

[382] Let me bring out my whips.

[383] Yeah, it was so I, there was a picture, I got to find it, but I got it framed, I love it so much.

[384] And it's you and your brother and Jimmy in between you and the bear batting at the bulge in his diaper.

[385] The bear also like, because of like, you know, I was so excited.

[386] You know what I mean?

[387] Make America great again.

[388] Bring that motherfucker back.

[389] You know what I mean?

[390] We did an episode once towards the end where we revealed the identity of the bear and he's masturbating and then we removed it.

[391] And it was Jim Carrey.

[392] And Jim Carrey was in the suit.

[393] I was around too.

[394] I'm no Jim Carrey, but I could have jumped in there.

[395] You could have jumped in.

[396] You can still do it.

[397] Oh, my God.

[398] We still got that costume.

[399] We can hose it off.

[400] Oh, God.

[401] But, you know, you have said that all those years of touring, the drugs interested you not as much like the sex.

[402] Like you'd read about these other heavy metal groups that were into group sex.

[403] And you had this great quote where you went, please, group sex is unhused.

[404] hygienic and I was like he's right maybe that's why I've never done it let me tell you maybe I don't know why I'm the way I am but it's like I didn't do group sex and I don't do all you can eat sushi you know what I mean it's like I just when you see all you can I'm like I don't know if that's something that I want access to as much as I can until I vomit yeah yeah or whatever it's just weird I mean yeah I don't know I was I was always a one woman kind of person i liked a relationship yep uh doesn't mean i was very good at him until very recently and the jury is still out but but what if you meet a girl and she doesn't have any big star records you know what i mean like your shoes don't go with this outfit oh what are you we're not going to hang you know what i mean i have certain wow your bar is so high it's all i need to know All they need to know as far as I'm concerned is that I was on television.

[405] You were a game show host, good enough.

[406] You want a movie or something?

[407] Yeah, whatever.

[408] Let's go.

[409] I saw you on an episode of Canon.

[410] And to catch a predator.

[411] Whatever, sure.

[412] And I did get caught.

[413] So what?

[414] The trajectory that you guys went through.

[415] I think in the space of, I don't know if it's like a year, maybe, you go from playing to, I think you've said, maybe 18 people in a room.

[416] Sometimes I wish it was 18.

[417] 18 people in a room, let's say.

[418] And a year later, after Shake Your Moneymaker, you're playing to hundreds of thousands of people in Moscow.

[419] All around the world.

[420] All around the world.

[421] And you're how old?

[422] 23, turning 24.

[423] Yeah.

[424] Rich is just turning 20, 21.

[425] I've always said, again, I don't have a lot of experience with drugs, but I defy anyone to find a more powerful drug than adulation from a big crowd.

[426] I think that goes right into your heart, like, very powerful cocaine.

[427] You know, it's funny, Izzy Stradlin from Guns and Roses invited Rich and I to his house in, like, early 1990, we were out here, and we were like, I mean, that's Guns and Roses.

[428] There's still Guns and Roses, but then they were like, guns and roses, like, you know.

[429] And we were like, cool, and he was like, oh, man, Thanks for coming over.

[430] I just wanted to meet you guys.

[431] And, you know, I don't know if you're prepared for what's going to happen.

[432] And we were like, you're going to pay for lunch.

[433] I didn't know.

[434] We're prepared for that.

[435] I have $8.

[436] You just sold 800 million records.

[437] Yeah.

[438] But no, we're not getting lunch.

[439] I'm never mind.

[440] Never mind.

[441] But that what fame and the, you know, he goes, you just hang on.

[442] And you know, it's funny that was, you have no idea.

[443] You don't, I mean, you, you think about those things.

[444] It's the same thing I was teasing before.

[445] about reading a book or whatever.

[446] At the end of, or in 1991, we're in Europe, and David Bowie is in a band called Tin Machine with Reeves Scribel, guitar player, who's now in a cure, fantastic guitar player, great guy.

[447] I haven't seen him in a while, but we were all in Dublin together, and it was funny, I had this, I looked back on this day.

[448] It was funny, you want to have breakfast with me in David, David Bowie?

[449] And I was like, yeah, of course I do.

[450] He's paying, right?

[451] I'm just kidding.

[452] You're obsessed with that, by the way.

[453] Well, I'm just thinking, at the time.

[454] That water's on us, by the way.

[455] But at the time, I was probably very nervous.

[456] But again, I had made one record.

[457] You know, my life is changing, but I've made one record.

[458] He's fucking David Bowie.

[459] I mean, he's rocks chameleon.

[460] Yeah.

[461] But he's David Bowie.

[462] He's already this iconic, he's already this archetype of like a certain thing that we associate culturally.

[463] with rock and roll and and what am i going to be like well there was that time i was in the studio last week you know what i mean i i hadn't traveled i'd been around i i haven't done anything and he was very aloof and it wasn't that he was but i realized like what what what what did i have to offer that conversation even if i'm smart whatever it wasn't adding up we go that night the edge has a birthday party at his mansion and we're invited to that so bono was there He was dressed as Shea Rivera, which was...

[464] What?

[465] He was.

[466] He didn't have, you know...

[467] It was Che Guevara Night in Ireland, yeah.

[468] I mean, yeah.

[469] I mean, he had the...

[470] He was completely...

[471] So I thought he was.

[472] Yeah.

[473] It wasn't Paul Pot, I'd tell you that.

[474] But he was...

[475] That was Friday.

[476] Yeah, yeah, that was a private party.

[477] I didn't think it would be good to have a fan...

[478] You know, a costume party where...

[479] But it has to be private where everyone comes as the worst person in the world.

[480] I'm like, There's two Jim Joneses here.

[481] Guys.

[482] You're like, well, I thought you were...

[483] We got a call ahead.

[484] I thought you were coming as Herman Hess.

[485] I'm like, oh, the wrong -sized boots.

[486] God, damn it.

[487] But I'm not saying Shay is a bad part.

[488] I'm not at all.

[489] He's a revolutionary.

[490] Sure.

[491] But the point of the story is fine.

[492] I was like, oh, you're in the black crows.

[493] I go, yeah.

[494] And he goes, oh, you poor bastard.

[495] You'll never sell that many records again.

[496] You know that.

[497] I was like, Jesus.

[498] This is, I mean, I don't know what's going to happen.

[499] Oh, I do.

[500] I'm Bono, you know, look at me. I'm in my fatigues, you know.

[501] But he said that and in a way, though, I get it.

[502] You know what I mean?

[503] Because other bands, bands that we love, you know, every story is different in your, you know, to get to where you, where you end up.

[504] And I always envied the, you have one record.

[505] It's pretty good.

[506] You know, that you could tear us up this thing and start to.

[507] learn your way around an industry and a business that can be horrible, a horrible, some of the worst people in the world.

[508] Yeah.

[509] Again, it's the same thing when you sign your first record contract and the lawyer goes, this is the worst thing you'll ever see.

[510] I'll sign that.

[511] No, for the first one.

[512] Hold on a minute.

[513] So even if it is successful, my children will no. No, I'll sign that.

[514] You know what I mean?

[515] like and you do it because at the time there's nothing else you just played in front of 18 people and someone's saying we will make this record and we will put it out but just sign this and you will sign it the Lauren Michael said to me that one of the truest things I know it's true now and he said Conan that's my chair he said that's my chair it's my show but he said he's you know because I was many people would say like I was signing crazy, signing away a lot of things, but I was brand new.

[516] You don't have a lot of leverage.

[517] I had no leverage.

[518] And so what he said to me was he said, look, and he had that kind of my boy.

[519] And he was absolutely right.

[520] He said, many of the smartest things I've heard about show business have been from Lauren Michaels.

[521] And he said, Conan, they take advantage of you for five years.

[522] Then it's your turn.

[523] And I didn't know what he was talking about.

[524] But, you know, if you put in the time and you can hang in there, then you get to say, if you want more of what I'm doing, I would like to set the terms now.

[525] And isn't it weird before the Kardashians came on TV, five years seemed like a long time?

[526] Now it's like 83 seasons of that bullshit.

[527] You know what I mean?

[528] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[529] No, it's true.

[530] It is true how people are, I don't know.

[531] I've never even seen five seconds of it.

[532] I just thought it would be funny.

[533] I don't know, but it's.

[534] And I don't know if it's funny if you're just being nice.

[535] No, no, no. No, it is pretty funny.

[536] It is, it is, it is, I'm always stunned.

[537] now at, it used to be like an epic run if a TV show was on for six years.

[538] It was like, wow, you guys did six years and you're going to go into syndication.

[539] And now I'm constantly seeing that a show that I swear to God sounds like it just went on the air like three years ago.

[540] Yeah.

[541] Like not even The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but Bachelorette's on stilts.

[542] And they'll say, we're celebrating our 40th season.

[543] And you're like, what happened?

[544] Show came out in 1971 Can I tell you a funny story though?

[545] Nope, no time.

[546] No, see you guys later.

[547] Shut the door.

[548] The day we had made Shake Your Money Maker.

[549] It's in the can.

[550] It's finished.

[551] The artwork is done.

[552] They're going to give us the release date.

[553] We had a show in a place called Rome, Georgia.

[554] There's a boarding school there called Darlington that my dad and Rich actually went to.

[555] And they had a little bar up there and we'd play there occasionally.

[556] We'd drive the viz. van up.

[557] It's like 90 miles.

[558] And we were called Mr. Crow's Garden.

[559] And it just didn't fit.

[560] Our little jangly, psychedelic, 60s kind of name didn't fit what we were doing.

[561] And so, you know, George and everyone said, we needed a new name.

[562] We liked the Crows.

[563] That's why we keep the E in it because of the book, Mr. Crow was like a proper noun.

[564] So on the way up to this gig, we say in the van, that's it.

[565] Today, we had like a couple of names.

[566] We're the black crows from here, no matter what happens.

[567] We are all in on this.

[568] Yes, we make that decision.

[569] We go to the gig.

[570] We set up our gear.

[571] We do sound check.

[572] There's a band that's opening for us that's like a dad and a daughter and like a cousin.

[573] And it's like some family band.

[574] I don't know if they were Christians.

[575] I don't know what they were doing.

[576] And we're like, that's weird.

[577] So we go down the street to get something to eat.

[578] We come back.

[579] Those guys finish their set.

[580] We're dressed like the, I mean, we look like, you know, doing a game.

[581] It's a real fucking gig.

[582] We're the fucking black crows.

[583] We made an album.

[584] We walk out on stage.

[585] We fucking open with jealous again.

[586] The only people in the club are the dad, the daughter, and the cousin.

[587] Hold on.

[588] And they're sitting there and they're eating subway sandwiches while we're playing.

[589] Like, you know, four people.

[590] The opening band and we're like, I'm like, jealous again, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[591] Oh, wow.

[592] I'm like, yes, you know what I mean?

[593] Like, here we come.

[594] World beaters.

[595] Fantastic.

[596] You know, it's funny because the dynamic, your brother could not be less like you.

[597] It's so fantastic how different you guys are.

[598] And I've got to know him a little bit.

[599] And you've described yourself as a dyslexic extrovert and rich as an OCD introvert and I thought when I read that description I said that in a therapy session and it got out yeah it was I was the therapist I was a bad idea yeah yeah I just came in for the meds and now all it is but it's it's fascinating that it works so well and then in other times you guys would have to say that's it can't do this anymore for a period for a long period of time yeah yeah and for for every band, every business, every partnership, everything has its ebb and flow and good and bad.

[600] I love the people that kept their ship private.

[601] We were just not going to be that way.

[602] To us, our connection with music and everything is an emotional connection.

[603] It's a feeling.

[604] We didn't learn music.

[605] Rich and I don't know any music if you put it in front of us.

[606] I don't know what key I'm singing.

[607] You know what I mean?

[608] It is something that we've developed.

[609] I mean, yes, of course, we know a little bit of music 35 years later, but it's really just by a visceral sort of connection to what it is in the same way, that's how we write.

[610] You know, Rich will play me the little, it could be the littlest thing.

[611] It could be, I don't know, a rhythmic thing, a seventh note.

[612] I don't know, it could be whatever it is dictates.

[613] That's where I start, that's where I come in.

[614] This song is, whatever the theme is going to be comes from something that written she talks to angels is a great example we were still living at mom and dad's house and he just played that little thing and he just started mucking around with open e and and that song is funny because it was very easy to to write a scene or a story about i knew someone that looked a certain way who i at the time had heard was into heroin right or or you know hard drugs.

[615] But I don't know.

[616] They never had a child or lost a child.

[617] You know what I mean?

[618] Like I just fill in the blanks of the story I want to tell.

[619] But I'm not even beginning to tell that story without just whatever that little thing is, Rich plays me. Because I've written many songs by myself, written songs with other people, and it's different.

[620] You know what I mean?

[621] That's what he and I do.

[622] So between our OCD and dyslexia, we make one functioning songwriter, I think.

[623] you know, we're one Billy Joel.

[624] So I'm picturing...

[625] Billy Joel who doesn't shower.

[626] I'm picturing when little kids, when one gets on the other shoulder and they put on a big trench coat and try to go to the movie theater as an adult and the hand comes out of the crotch to pay for it.

[627] But instead they play piano.

[628] By the way, What's the Billy Joel song where he goes, what's the one where he breaks into like a vampire voice?

[629] You know what I'm talking about?

[630] I don't know that one.

[631] It's so funny.

[632] Long Island Vampire?

[633] No, it's one of his big hits.

[634] Yeah, the Long Island Vampire.

[635] You're going to talk to big shot.

[636] That's what?

[637] Big shot.

[638] That's right.

[639] You thought he was a big shot.

[640] Yes.

[641] That's so fucking crazy.

[642] I was like, what is he?

[643] That's so crazy.

[644] I started to scan my brain and I just said, Billy Joel Vampire, and I went to him and I went to him and they took him going, you think that's what a big shot.

[645] Dhingya, you know.

[646] Count Chocula.

[647] Yeah, Count Chocula.

[648] Well, you're not coming to my castle.

[649] That's fucking hilarious.

[650] Someone talked to the bass player because I'm in the Kyiv Flat.

[651] What?

[652] After every concert, his band mysteriously disappears.

[653] Well, you get him on your, just to ask him what the fuck was that?

[654] I would ask him about the other song where he's like, you know, JFK, blown away.

[655] The one where he's just listing things that happened in history.

[656] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[657] That's the one I remember that him being on, Billy Joel was on Saturday Night Live and he was performing that song.

[658] You know, we didn't start the fire.

[659] But then it's the whole list of like, you know.

[660] Very true indoors day, Red China, Johnny Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winfield, Joe DiMaggio.

[661] Okay, well, you're fired.

[662] You're, you're, you have a, now, get out.

[663] By the way, I have a rectal dysfunction after that.

[664] Yeah.

[665] Really?

[666] I have a huge bonus.

[667] But anyway, I remembered, I remembered watching, being back near the craft food service table where the double doors are and sign out live where the food is and I'm standing there and he's singing that song listing things and Jim Downey's standing there and he turned up and he went he's just listing things this is when it was like the number one song in the country but Jim Downey knew he's just listing things just reading the credits why it goes out it's like oh bring me my encyclopedia Britannica Which ones do you want?

[668] All of them, all of them.

[669] Get them all!

[670] This is a long song.

[671] A to Z. Sorry, I didn't know why he does the breaks into the vampire, Sam.

[672] Well, you know.

[673] It was the 70s.

[674] He was feeling it.

[675] You think you're a big shot.

[676] Ding, John.

[677] You know what's fascinating to me is that people get all jumbled up about time later on and it doesn't matter.

[678] But you have to understand that in 1990, Nobody was dressing like you.

[679] There was a Seattle punk thing that was starting to happen.

[680] And then there was also metal, hair metal.

[681] And then you guys, and you're, I think you've called it, it's Mick Jagger, circa, like 1970.

[682] Well, yeah, we really loved, like, 72 stones.

[683] That was, like, the way Keith kind of looked.

[684] The stooges.

[685] But it's funny because I always remember, you know, It was hard to find clothes like that.

[686] And everyone had looked like Guns and Roses.

[687] And we went to England for the first time and they had a place called Kensington Market.

[688] It was fabulous, amazing place.

[689] Like crazy stalls and homemade wild clothes and all sorts of stuff.

[690] Punk things, goth things, whatever it could be.

[691] And I bought a pair of maroon kind of bell bottoms.

[692] And we came back.

[693] to the States, and we were on tour with Aerosmith, funny enough, our first tour bus.

[694] But we played a gig in Rochester, New York.

[695] There's a baseball stadium there, and it was Black Crows, Warrant, Metallica, Aerosmith.

[696] We're on first.

[697] And I remember this.

[698] And I come out of the thing, and I'm, like, wearing my bellbott, you know, the way we look.

[699] And people are, like, snickering at me. And I'm like, y 'all motherfuckers laugh all you want.

[700] I look cool You know Like I feel cool Yeah And we went up and did the gig And people Like a lot of Metallica fans And like You know Carving Pentegrams Of bleeding in their hands Fuck you!

[701] I hate you!

[702] Oh I get that a lot.

[703] You know they were like We were the worst thing They've ever seen But we're still kind of street You know We're from Atlanta And I get up there And I'm like Rubbing my butt And look at them Like kissing them And I'm like At this Bring it up here, big boy.

[704] You know, I'm saying.

[705] They're fucking throwing tennis shoes and golf balls and shit at us.

[706] I'm like, who's bringing golf balls?

[707] Bying, biling.

[708] And so, but we did it.

[709] Who brought a pocket full of fucking golf balls to this gig?

[710] Security.

[711] So we do the gig, though, and we, you know, some people like it, I imagine.

[712] We're still here, but we didn't, we were like this.

[713] You know, fuck y 'all.

[714] We're going to do our fucking thing And you can't stop us That's part of this weird rock and roll thing So we go backstage We're like whatever We played 30 minutes or whatever Warrant is going on next And they come out of the trailer And these little matching like outfits They look like the Osmond family You know what I mean Crazy holeset You know I remember that And they were like do their little dance And they had like little matching like One's got blue shirt One's got a white shirt Blue pants white leg You know, little outfits.

[715] And these guys are wearing like these little, you know, at the time, I guess they had never saw the Osmond family.

[716] Right.

[717] So the stadium, I don't know, there's 50 ,000 people in there.

[718] And you just hear, Warren sucks.

[719] Warren sucks.

[720] Oh, Jesus.

[721] And that whole place is ringing this out.

[722] Like, it's loud.

[723] And they look at each other and they put on their, they went back in their trailer, put on their, like, sweatpants and got on the bus, and they left.

[724] No. And I was like, I mean, I get it.

[725] That's, they didn't even know we were the black crows enough to say we sucked.

[726] We would have gone out anyway.

[727] We just would have, we were that.

[728] Insert name here sucks.

[729] Yeah.

[730] These people wanted Metallica.

[731] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[732] And, and Airman, which is totally cool.

[733] Of course, it's, but I was like, you know, I was like, who could, why did you should, if you really believe in what you do it, you go, you weather the storm.

[734] Get up there.

[735] to him you don't know you know what i mean like you can't just full i mean i'm not picking on them i'm sure they're rad dudes i don't i don't hang out with them at the all you can eat sushi plays but they're they're coming they're here in 20 minutes uh but i'm just i'm i'm uh no you have to say this is what we're doing you can't ask is this okay what we're doing you have the essence of not just rock and roll but comedy is, this is what we're doing.

[736] And if you, there's no going back.

[737] And you just have to say this is what it is.

[738] And if you're asking permission, it's not going to work.

[739] Ever.

[740] It would never, ever work.

[741] And I think, I don't know.

[742] I think there might be an argument that today, music, they're asking for your permission more.

[743] I mean, because there's definitely, you know, part of the appeal of rock and roll, but part of the reality of art of being an outside person.

[744] in the world of not conforming.

[745] It's not about conforming.

[746] It's just no, we're not doing that.

[747] You know what I mean?

[748] Like, it's just not going to fit.

[749] I can't, I mean, if you think this is mental illness, wait, do you see, like, trying to force something that doesn't work in that way.

[750] And I think that, you know, that's, you know, part of what you want to say, part of the way we wanted to sound, the way we wanted to look, was defiant towards other things that we were.

[751] were going on.

[752] And I think, you know, in the corporate landscape of today, and just the way the culture works outside of, you know, what is the, to me, it's status really rules everything, you know, but to obtain a certain amount of status, you have to comply.

[753] And, and you know what I mean?

[754] So our whole philosophic slant was defiance, you know, in the face, you're defiant in the face of the business that says you're from Atlanta and you're not in LA and you're you know right you're not wearing the right clothes you're not playing the game you're not you know I mean our we had you know lots of managers listen to Shake your Moneymaker and said that singer he's horrible you know because this is at the age of you know everyone's very high voice and metal and rock things like that and I didn't sing that way and they it was like he we can't We don't know what this is, which is kind of funny today that we have a record out now that it's different because, of course, we have three decades plus of people knowing what it is, but that it has the reaction that it's had.

[755] You know what I mean?

[756] I've been blasting it in my car.

[757] I upgraded from a Ford Taurus to the new Ford Taurus just coming out.

[758] Ford make me a new Taurus.

[759] That's the kind of cloud I have.

[760] It's made of gold.

[761] Don't.

[762] Happiness bastards.

[763] And I've been blasting this, and it's great.

[764] It's fantastic, and you guys, you guys haven't missed a beat.

[765] You really haven't.

[766] It doesn't, it doesn't feel like it at all.

[767] I think it's been 15 years since the last time you guys worked together.

[768] Yeah.

[769] Since we made a, we're in the studio doing stuff, new, you know, original song, original things that we've.

[770] Did you do this with George?

[771] George.

[772] No, no. We did it with this guy, J .D. Joyce in Nashville.

[773] Jay Joyce, okay.

[774] He's under Uber Padusa.

[775] Oh, yes, a little submarine, does he?

[776] Yeah, yeah.

[777] Dive, dive!

[778] He has two submarines.

[779] Oh, wow.

[780] Okay, nice.

[781] I mean, because also, I mean, the guitar sound is fantastic.

[782] I know.

[783] I mean, we really that, you know, we, when we've went through the things that we've gone through and people always say, well, how did you do, you know, you know, what, you know, the The cynicism in the world is, oh, you're going to do this.

[784] It's a money grab.

[785] Right.

[786] And it's funny because Rich is like people who don't know about the music businesses, no matter where we are, we're still the Black Crows and we're worth tickets.

[787] You know, people, we have an audience, we have a history, we've made good records.

[788] We have songs, people have in their life.

[789] Right.

[790] And we put on a good show.

[791] So every year we didn't do the Black Crow, someone calls up and goes, you know, I'll tell you what, if you guys get it together, we'll put you out there.

[792] Here's what money's going to be.

[793] I just think of a guy...

[794] You guys know Jed Clampett?

[795] Ralph Stanley's back?

[796] That's just a guy in cowboy boots in a gold chain.

[797] You gotta get out in there.

[798] There's a lot of money.

[799] Okay, would this be better?

[800] Like, hey, listen, you guys want to get out there?

[801] I like that guy.

[802] I tell you what.

[803] Hey, you know, I'll worry about the agent.

[804] You worry about the union representative.

[805] I don't even know what you're talking about.

[806] You just want to play the show.

[807] But, you know, there was always an offer.

[808] for us to do it.

[809] But I think, you know, the time we, we, you know, I just had had enough of the Black Crows.

[810] I'd had enough.

[811] And knowing full well that I'm a part of the problem, I'm not the solution.

[812] You know what I mean?

[813] I am a part of the problem.

[814] We all were at the time.

[815] But I did have, you know, for whatever reason, I blew the scene up.

[816] But it was great for Rich and I, you know what I mean?

[817] Because what does every band say in the documentary?

[818] I was watching like the, you know, my bloody Valentine or something, some shoegaze documentary.

[819] And they were like, if we had just taking six months off, it wouldn't have blown up.

[820] Right.

[821] And you don't do it.

[822] You know, you just don't do it.

[823] I don't know what that is.

[824] Youth, ambition.

[825] You know, that thing is he's traveling said when it takes off, just hang on.

[826] We just didn't want the ride to stop, maybe, that first decade.

[827] It's interesting because I heard your kids helped you and your brother patch things up somewhat.

[828] Is that true?

[829] Yeah.

[830] Well, you know, they have to, you know, they get older.

[831] And they're like, I have cousins.

[832] I don't know their names.

[833] How come we don't know them?

[834] I don't know them either.

[835] That becomes something else.

[836] The whole family.

[837] I mean, my wife, Camille, as well, I mean, you know, eventually was like, what is it?

[838] What is it?

[839] Let's talk about it.

[840] You know, what's with the anger?

[841] What's with the resentment?

[842] And it just turned out to be, you know, a perfect time, you know?

[843] and not that we're not that clever it's just it felt right and and we could deal with each other and subsequently it's been fantastic and you know that us versus them sort of mentality is real and i think it's important in terms of like it's just authentic to our to who we are we've felt that way about art we felt that way about rock and roll we feel that way about a lot of things because we're passionate and we believe that there's something else It's not just status.

[844] It's not just success the way it looks like.

[845] There's something magic in making music.

[846] There's something magic about listening to it, about being inspired by it, about going to see live music or listen.

[847] You know what I mean?

[848] Our house is just full of records.

[849] And when I'm not making music, I'm driving everyone crazy because we just listen to music.

[850] And it's probably because of the way my mind works.

[851] Music starts to make the unreal real.

[852] Yep.

[853] It gives it a certain construct your daily life.

[854] You know what I mean?

[855] I don't know what it is.

[856] I mean, everyone's experienced this, but I can, I try to stay in shape as much as I can, especially as I get older.

[857] And I will, I really don't want to go for a run.

[858] I really don't want to get on my bike.

[859] I just don't want to do it.

[860] But if I put the earbuds in, and a good example is listen, to black crows and cranked into my ears, I can suddenly do things that I couldn't do before.

[861] And I don't know what that is.

[862] But I'm suddenly, and everyone's experience, this isn't a new thing, but I, and then I start to have ideas, and I start to feel like I've got this, I'd come up with all these ideas for fun, cool things I'd like to try and do.

[863] And as soon as my heart rate starts to slow down afterwards, I go, eh, I'm not.

[864] I'm not doing any of that.

[865] I'm a man with no dreams.

[866] The dream's over because I stopped listening to the Black Crows.

[867] But I do have that.

[868] There is a magic there.

[869] And I think you were talking earlier about status and show business.

[870] I do think one thing that has changed is there is an obsession, not just in music, but in, as an obsession across the board, comedy, music, film with the business side of it as a status.

[871] thing.

[872] And I don't think artists used to talk about that.

[873] But now it's kind of seen as a cool thing if you're seen as like a corporate brand.

[874] And I don't think that used to be the case.

[875] No, I mean, as a matter of fact, a lot of our hero, you know what I mean?

[876] And I think the hero is not just like Joseph Campbell talking, whatever, but the hero as a part of like who we are and who we identify with is very important.

[877] And again, I understand I'm 57 years old.

[878] I'm not a person of this century, a mid -century product of the last century, but it's like, you know, whether it was Gregory Corso, William Burroughs, Keith Richards, Alex Chilton, Robert Altman, I had heroes.

[879] Not like, that guy's great at video games.

[880] You know what I mean?

[881] I'm like, whoa, oh my God.

[882] Right.

[883] You know, his mom lets him wear a diaper so he doesn't have to go to the bathroom.

[884] You know what I mean?

[885] Like, oh, he's very committed champion.

[886] But I do, I do, do, do you see what I'm sort of getting at, which is a lot of times when I read, that's what I mean, but our heroes would be the people in comedy, it could be that, too, anything, people who went against.

[887] It was never part of the story.

[888] Sometimes it was, but it was not really part of the story how much they made or how many ads they did.

[889] And now it has become the narrative for everyone.

[890] And I think that's so much to navigate, just focus on what's the thing you're making.

[891] Like, try and.

[892] try and make something I mean when our first record was such a big thing I mean are you kidding it's not going through my head like you know John Coltrane never sold 6 million record you know what I mean or whatever or like that first thing of like wait a minute it did the opposite of me of course dyslexic we do the opposite it didn't yes my ego or whatever as a singer Sagittarian young person but it humbled me in the faith or in the presence of the tradition that I'm working in.

[893] And you know what I mean?

[894] I think also being the kind of band we were because of our influences, like, you know, I'm meeting my heroes.

[895] I'm not, you know, I'm not hanging out so much with my peers, which is, I do that more now.

[896] But at that time, it was like, oh, Joe Cocker knows my name and wants to give me a hug.

[897] Or Ian Hunter from Motte the Hoopal, like the first, like, rock star came to one of our shows in New York, the great Ronnie Lane was in his wheelchair when his partner brought him down.

[898] He wanted to meet us in not even a dressing room.

[899] In the ice, we were opening for this band in our first time in Austin in March of 1990.

[900] And there's a knock on the door.

[901] And the guy goes, there's some guy in a wheelchair under named Ronnie Lane who wants to meet you guys.

[902] I'm like, all right, really?

[903] And, you know, the waiters are filling up the ice buckets while he's in there and we're putting our clothes on after the show.

[904] And he was just like, oh, I just want to meet you guys.

[905] you know you've said so many nice things about my music and we were i was just i will remember it forever yeah you know what i mean like and rob tyner from the mc5 first time we play in lovonia outside of detroit there he is in the dressing room i've always said the people that blow my mind and it happens less and less and less as i get older but meeting the people that i saw on television be funny when i was eight years old it's like seeing a greek guy God in real life.

[906] I had a weekend with Don Rickles one time.

[907] And that was like heaven.

[908] Oh, yeah.

[909] Say something bad about me now.

[910] I can take it.

[911] I can take it.

[912] I was that way the day I met Don Knott.

[913] And I was just couldn't believe I'm meeting Bernie Fife.

[914] By the way, one of the funniest people of that characters are the funniest people of all time.

[915] To this day, I can't accept that, no, I saw him in Brookline, Massachusetts sitting on the floor.

[916] And I'm sitting in a high chair watching him on, you know, I was in a high chair very late.

[917] This is like 10 years ago.

[918] He heard him.

[919] I had Ricketts.

[920] You don't hear Ricketts much anymore.

[921] Don Ricketts, not as funny.

[922] Not as funny.

[923] Listen, I've kept you a while and I did it selfishly because I love your music and I also think you are one of the, just, you're such an authentically funny person and really honest and I love talking to you.

[924] I really do.

[925] Thanks for having me. I would, anytime you want to lower yourself, we'll hang and finish that, finish that tequila.

[926] Let's do it.

[927] But thank you so much for being here.

[928] And I want to tell people check out happiness bastards because I've been loving this.

[929] Thank you.

[930] Yeah, we're very, it's good.

[931] It's nice.

[932] You know, we're going on this tour.

[933] And yeah, we're just, thrilled.

[934] We're having a great.

[935] Are you going to give the group sex a try this time?

[936] Oh, my God.

[937] I might throw my knee out.

[938] That's the first thing to go with me. When I have group sex, it's the first thing that goes.

[939] The old trick knee.

[940] I'm like, listen, I don't know about reverse cowgirl, but how about reverse cuckhole?

[941] And curtain.

[942] Conan here.

[943] Got a little segment to do, and I don't know anything about this.

[944] segment because Matt Gourley has some scheme up his sleeve.

[945] What's up?

[946] A long time ago, I don't know if you remember this.

[947] We actually did, I think you did a riff about inspirational posters that you might see in like a grade school class or something, but with some unexpected phrases on them.

[948] Well, a wonderful, wonderful listener named Timothy Sanders, who has some of the nicest penmanship I've ever seen.

[949] Beautiful.

[950] It looks like a Cyrillic typewriter.

[951] Has taken it upon himself to make some of these starting with these lovely turtles you're the one that you knew you had to be oh are these ones that we said on the air that was making up bullshit that's those are those are great watch yourself get married with a glass of water that's fantastic whatever you think you were that is what it was so stupid that's a Volkswagen thing I believe Oh, my God.

[952] A story of spontaneous podcast banter.

[953] Tomorrow is yesterday's idea of what you ate, a team cocoa paperback.

[954] You can't judge yourself from within.

[955] Well, that's actually a good one.

[956] Yeah.

[957] And I love that cat just hanging in there.

[958] Is it good?

[959] Does it make sense?

[960] Sure, it does.

[961] Okay.

[962] I don't know if it does.

[963] Sunshine is the regret you used to know during daylight.

[964] Are these ones we said?

[965] I'm not sure they were.

[966] Or are these AI.

[967] Maybe it's AI.

[968] Some of them are.

[969] Yeah.

[970] I remember this.

[971] Who farted?

[972] William Thackeray.

[973] Back that shit up, of course, Jane Austen.

[974] That's my favorite one.

[975] I remember that one.

[976] Now it's coming back to me. And for the listeners, if you want to see these, you can go to our YouTube channel and check them out or go to at Team Coco on socials and take a look.

[977] Yeah, these are fun.

[978] Drop it like it's hot ho.

[979] Of course, Melville.

[980] during his drop it like its hot phase.

[981] And finally, I'd hit that Mary Todd Lincoln.

[982] And a picture of sexy Lincoln.

[983] Those are great.

[984] Yeah, aren't those amazing?

[985] I love that.

[986] He is sexy in that picture.

[987] Yeah, I'd hit that for sure.

[988] Look at that.

[989] No, I don't think you would.

[990] He's very depressed.

[991] I mean, look at his face.

[992] He's got great bone structure.

[993] Nice high cheek bones.

[994] Six -four, just like your friend Conan.

[995] Don't compare yourself.

[996] Was there some question about his sexuality at some point, too?

[997] Yes, someone wrote a book, and I think it was a lot of it was based on the fact that Lincoln shared a bed when he was on the circuit, but then it was revealed that everyone had to share beds back then.

[998] So, just because you shared a bit, I mean, I regularly share a bed with a good friend of mine.

[999] Who's that?

[1000] Eric Rife.

[1001] Anyway, that's our business.

[1002] It's good friends.

[1003] And when we're on the circuit together, riding sometimes you come to an inn and you have to share.

[1004] What is this?

[1005] The vaudeville?

[1006] What do you?

[1007] I'm just making shit up.

[1008] This is babble.

[1009] Did you guys sleep in bunk beds when you were in college?

[1010] We did, freshman year.

[1011] Who was on top?

[1012] I was on top.

[1013] That's fun.

[1014] He's on the bottom.

[1015] I like the top bunk, too.

[1016] Now, I love the top bunk.

[1017] It's like, we, I'm way up high.

[1018] This is a freshman in college.

[1019] I was like, yay, I'm a pie.

[1020] Wee.

[1021] Yeah, I can't believe you guys didn't have bunk beds growing up in your house.

[1022] My brothers and I slept three in a room for a while.

[1023] Yeah, that's why I'm surprised.

[1024] Before Justin was born.

[1025] So it was Neil and Luke were in twin beds, and I was in a cot at the foot of their bed for a bunch of years.

[1026] And my cot was up against the wall.

[1027] And my mother used to put us, this is, you know, way back in the day.

[1028] She'd put us in these little brown shoes with hard, you know, heels.

[1029] You know, kids say they all wear sneakers, but back then, mid -1960s or whatever, they give you these little brown shoes that you wore.

[1030] My mother would make me take a nap every day at three in the afternoon, and I didn't want to take a nap.

[1031] So I put my back on the bed, and with my shoes on, I would kick at the wall with my heels.

[1032] Why were you napping your shoes on?

[1033] Because I wouldn't take them off, because I'm not going to kick the wall with my bare feet.

[1034] So I, and my mom would just let me kick it out.

[1035] I swear to God, the wall has since been re -plastered and repainted, but part of me wants to go back to that house in Brookline, Massachusetts, because my parents still live there, and I want to take off the paint, and you will see little Conan feet that are crushed into the plaster because I was so enraged that I was being told I had to take a nap at three.

[1036] Now I would love it if someone told me to go take a nap at three.

[1037] Wait, what, was it?

[1038] Cots are small.

[1039] Did your feet dangle off the end?

[1040] I was a little boy.

[1041] Sona, when someone's a little boy, they aren't who they are now wearing tiny clothes.

[1042] I don't, but you also.

[1043] You're thinking it's like a sketch.

[1044] Here comes baby Conan.

[1045] Hi, everybody.

[1046] I'm wearing a diaper and go -go -go -go -gag -duck.

[1047] Duck your head, six -foot -four Conan, baby.

[1048] No, I was a little boy, and then I grew over the years.

[1049] Yeah, then when you grew, because you lived at home until you went to college, so where did you sleep?

[1050] Well, eventually I got moved up to the attic.

[1051] That's right.

[1052] They moved me to the attic They banished you Well, it was a controversial move Everyone else agreed It was the right place for me I was at the end of a long haul In the attic And all I wanted was a desk up there And a bunch of rubber stamps Because I wanted to stamp papers Oh my God And I was obsessed with having a little office And I was always like I've got to go tend to my affairs Bing Bing Bing and sign papers And I had some stamps That meant nothing like remit Rubber stamps on the soles of your shoes I know, I know.

[1053] What a weird kid.

[1054] What a weird man. I was Tuesday Adams long before Tuesday Adams.

[1055] Anyway, I grew up in Wednesday.

[1056] Oh, you know what?

[1057] I'm sorry.

[1058] You know?

[1059] Oh, you mean from the show the Anders family?

[1060] No, on Leap Year, she's Tuesday, out.

[1061] Oh, my God.

[1062] All right, I'll give you that.

[1063] All right.

[1064] I got myself out of another scrape.

[1065] All right, that's our time.

[1066] for now.

[1067] Remember, I was a weird child.

[1068] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goorley.

[1069] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.

[1070] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1071] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1072] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1073] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1074] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1075] Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

[1076] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1077] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1078] Got a question for Conan?

[1079] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1080] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1081] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1082] Thank you.