MFM Minisode 346

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome.

[2] So my favorite murder.

[3] The minisode.

[4] Come on.

[5] You love this one.

[6] You love it.

[7] Okay, you want to go first this time?

[8] Sure.

[9] The subject line of this email is simply the bright side of humanity.

[10] Oh.

[11] K &G, crew and critters.

[12] Oh.

[13] I sent this before.

[14] You asked for stuff.

[15] That's such a fucking hilarious way to start an email.

[16] Hey, look, I sent this before.

[17] You asked for stories about people doing good deeds.

[18] Here's a story about a roadside rescue.

[19] Back in the early 80s, before cell phones, I was cruising around the beltway, heading to a friend's house to drop off my dog's spanky before going on vacation.

[20] It was after work, still daylight, and strangely, there was very little traffic.

[21] I'm in the second lane from the right, and I noticed an 18 -wheeler barreling up in the far -left lane.

[22] I glanced forward to see a, four by four piece of lumber in the left lane.

[23] How do I know it was a four by four?

[24] Because I got a much closer look at it.

[25] Sure enough, the truck runs over the wood, turning it into a missile heading straight for my windshield.

[26] No. Spanky was next to me. She refused to ride in the back, and I pushed her to the floor, leaned myself onto the passenger seat, and blindly turned the car to the right, trying to avoid the projectile.

[27] This all happened at once.

[28] Me pushing the dog leaning out of the way and steering the car to the right as the wood takes off my side view mirror, bust through the driver's window, and becomes impaled inside between the headrest and the car frame.

[29] What the fuck?

[30] Thankfully, there was no one in the right lanes.

[31] In fact, there was no one at all on the road.

[32] The 18 -wheeler blithely continues down the highway and we're covered in bits of safety glass, partially pulled over, on an eerily empty four -lane highway.

[33] What the fuck just happened?

[34] Dude.

[35] The dog and I are okay, just a little stunned, and we had to exit by the passenger door since there was an eight -foot four -by -four sticking out of the driver's window.

[36] While we were sitting on the side of the road, and I'm trying to process what to do next, this tricked -out custom -painted van with very large horses on it pulls over and two guys get out.

[37] Oh, great, great.

[38] I'm hoping they're going to be cool because I was pretty defenseless.

[39] No phone, no potential weapon, and no witnesses.

[40] They walk around my car freaking out over the wood protruding awkwardly and then approach me asking if I'm okay.

[41] In a shaky voice, I answer yes and I can feel the delayed response of tears and jitters coming on.

[42] One of the guys runs across all eight lanes of freeway to get to a gas station and use the pay phone.

[43] And then in parentheses, it says, like I said, it was the 80s.

[44] The other one stands there looking at me and then says, I bet you could use a drink.

[45] And my 22 -year -old self says, a big one.

[46] And he says, well, this is your lucky day.

[47] I work for, and then in parentheses, the beer company with the very large horses.

[48] He opens the back of the van to reveal a tapped keg nestled in a custom stand and a stack of to -go cups on a little bar.

[49] Yes.

[50] While waiting for the cops, I enjoyed it.

[51] a cold beverage with my savior, which we discreetly disposed of when the officer arrived.

[52] The cop took a report.

[53] The van dudes removed the lumber from my car.

[54] I dropped off Spanky and the car was repaired while I was on vacay.

[55] All's well that ends well.

[56] Stay sexy and pay attention when you're driving.

[57] Lou Redda.

[58] What the fuck?

[59] I mean, that is one of the greatest stories ever told.

[60] Yeah, that's a great survivor story.

[61] Unbelievable.

[62] happened to us once when we were on the freeway, we watched just like a standard ladder fall off the back of a truck and come bouncing down the freeway at us.

[63] So it bounced over the car in front of us.

[64] And then it hit the ground in front of the car.

[65] And my ex was driving.

[66] And he kind of put his hand out and went, hold on.

[67] And we drove over it.

[68] Oh, my God.

[69] And nothing happened.

[70] Nothing happened.

[71] We just drove over it and it was fine.

[72] But it was if it was any denser material, Yeah.

[73] Like, I think we smashed it from driving over it.

[74] Right.

[75] Or maybe you've had a smaller car or something like that.

[76] Yeah.

[77] It was fucking horrifying.

[78] The idea that it was just like, she just basically collided with a lumber missile.

[79] Good thing she saw at first.

[80] That is, I'm never leaving the house again.

[81] I mean, Loretta, thank you for that amazing 80s story.

[82] That was epic.

[83] That's a great epic story.

[84] This is called 12 -year -olds with jobs and my almost first murder.

[85] Hello.

[86] So you recently called for stories about 12 -year -olds with jobs, and I thought, yay, I finally have a story to write in.

[87] Back in the very early 90s, you could start volunteering as a candy striper at the local hospital when you turn 12.

[88] A few of my friends did it and were tasked with safe jobs, such as delivering flowers or helping in the gift shop.

[89] I must have looked like a very responsible 12 -year -old because I was assigned to the transportation department, which meant I had to transport patients out of the hospital when they were discharged home.

[90] I had a great time wheeling new moms with babies to their waiting cars and elderly people happy to be going home.

[91] One day, the paid adult transporter called out sick so they used me to transport patients around the hospital, which meant the patients were actually still in need of medical care.

[92] One assignment had me transporting a man who had both an IV pole and an oxygen tank.

[93] I used my not yet fully developed 12 -year -old brain to come up with plan that involved him holding the IV pole while I maneuvered the wheelchair and oxygen tank slowly to his destination and surgery.

[94] I'm so sorry.

[95] I forgot that this was about a 12 -year -old.

[96] Like, it took me, it only took me 30 seconds to forget.

[97] I'm like, wait a second, a 12 -year -old works at the hospital.

[98] An untrained 12 -year -old is moving patients from different departments.

[99] How?

[100] How?

[101] It gets worse.

[102] Wait.

[103] Okay.

[104] Once we got to the nurse's station, the nurses told me to put him in a room and wanting to be efficient, I quickly grabbed his wheelchair to put him in the correct room.

[105] Only problem was that I forgot about the oxygen.

[106] The nasal cannula stayed in his nose, but the end disconnected from the oxygen tank.

[107] I, of course, did the right thing, which at 12 years old, was yelling, good luck with surgery and booking it off to the unit to end my shift.

[108] I spent the rest of the week convinced that I had killed the guy and fully expecting to be arrested when I arrived from my next shift.

[109] To my astonishment, no one said anything when I arrived, so I asked how he was doing it.

[110] doing.

[111] It clearly being the days before HIPAA, my boss immediately looked at his chart and told me his surgery had gone well and he had been discharged home.

[112] In an interesting turn of events, I have spent most of my career in health care and work on compliance measures that have been put in place to protect patients from 12 -year -olds almost killing them.

[113] Good.

[114] Thank God.

[115] I'm still trying to make amends for that poor guy who I almost killed at the tender age of 12.

[116] Stay sexy and don't let 12 -year -olds doogiehouser it up at the hospital, Heather, she, her.

[117] That's so, like, what a fateful story where it's like, sure, I could have potentially killed this man. But instead, what I did was I took the lesson there and I went and tried to change policy in the future.

[118] That's trauma.

[119] That's like long -held trauma.

[120] Yeah.

[121] Good job.

[122] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shop.

[123] Absolutely.

[124] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[125] Exactly.

[126] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[127] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[128] That's right.

[129] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.

[130] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[131] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

[132] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[133] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[134] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[135] Connect with customers in line and online.

[136] Do retail right with Shopify.

[137] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[138] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[139] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business.

[140] to the next level today.

[141] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[142] Goodbye.

[143] The subject line of this email is, is it too late for a Chippendale story?

[144] Mm -hmm.

[145] And this just starts salutations.

[146] And then it says, ugh.

[147] Y 'all are excellent.

[148] Thank you for championing mental health, compassion, and general badassery.

[149] Okay, here it goes.

[150] The year is 2000.

[151] The place is the San Fernando Valley.

[152] My best friend, Anna, and I are walking to Target on some vital 14 -year -old girl business.

[153] A red convertible pulls up next to us And a man in a dated neon tank top And Shorts Shorts Ensemble calls out to us We give him our attention Because we have not yet learned to fuck politeness He tells us that he is a Chippendales dancer If you ladies know anyone having a bachelorette party Give me a call 14 14 He hands us an old receipt On the back of which is written David Steele S -T -E -E -L -E and a phone number.

[154] And then a parenthesis, it says, is this common practice among the Chippendale set?

[155] Is it a bizarro catfishing attempt?

[156] Who knows?

[157] We did not call this man. Close parentheses.

[158] Of course, when we regale our folks with this story, they're tickled.

[159] Nobody seemed the least bit concerned that we approached the car of a strange man and David Steele's number remains in my wallet for years.

[160] Oh, my God.

[161] Stay sexy and at least get some business cards, dude.

[162] Jamaica.

[163] She, her.

[164] Yeah.

[165] Your parents should have yelled at you.

[166] Sorry, David Steele was not a Chippendale's dancer.

[167] That wasn't real.

[168] David Steele is a fucking weirdo writing his name and phone number on a receipt.

[169] Yeah.

[170] And wearing neon twin set around the valley.

[171] Come on.

[172] Sounds like the valley.

[173] Pretty fucking spot on.

[174] That's kind of what the valley's like.

[175] As a resident and proud citizen, that's what we're like over here.

[176] Okay, this one's called True Crime on the Bosses Dime.

[177] Greetings.

[178] In episode 384, Georgia asked how many people listened to my favorite murder while at work?

[179] I'm raising my hand.

[180] I've been an MFM listener since the early days, thanks to my oldest friend, Sarah, who insisted I subscribe almost seven years ago.

[181] Thank you, Sarah.

[182] Thank you.

[183] Good job.

[184] Good job.

[185] Rate review, subscribe.

[186] I've enjoyed most episodes while at work, crouched over my drawing table at a large greeting card company in the Midwest.

[187] So while my hand is illustrating cute Easter bunnies and sweet baby shower rainbows and delicate Mother's Day bouquets, my ears are full of murder and mayhem.

[188] Oh, wow.

[189] Your compelling stories have helped me stay focused in the studio for long stretches of time.

[190] Months later, when I see these cards for sale in stores, I can often remember exactly which episode I was listening to when I created the art. Oh my God.

[191] That's so cool.

[192] That's smiling snowman holding mistletoe, National Forest serial killer.

[193] Oh my God.

[194] That adorable corgi puppy with a heart on its butt, poisoned Halloween candy.

[195] Sometimes I wonder if any of the darkness from the podcast seeps into the lighthearted images I'm illustrating.

[196] Next time you pick up a card for grandma, do you notice a sense of foreboding and those frolicing butterflies?

[197] Hopefully I've hidden it well.

[198] Thank you, Karen.

[199] Georgia for helping me be productive at work for the better part of a decade from C. C, the secret greeting card illustrator.

[200] Well, here's a thing, and this is something C knows as well as all of us that love true crime.

[201] Life is a combination of light and dark.

[202] We can't have one without the other, for sure.

[203] We've all had terrible Christmases or, you know, winter holidays or Easters or whatever non -Catholic holidays.

[204] Everybody else celebrates.

[205] I don't know.

[206] Thank you.

[207] Thank you.

[208] including us.

[209] Thank you for mentioning.

[210] Okay.

[211] Personally for me, this is a real love letter straight to Karen.

[212] So I'm sorry because this is, this is really, this is a sinkhole related.

[213] Close in terms of things I love.

[214] Okay.

[215] And so I won't read you the subject line.

[216] It starts a blanket hello to all involved and associated.

[217] Karen, your hair's looking fabulous.

[218] Georgia, that cat looks great on you.

[219] Thank you.

[220] Just kind of the best compliment for you of all time.

[221] I love that.

[222] I love that.

[223] Okay, it says, all right, enough already.

[224] Let's get into this.

[225] The scene.

[226] I was a manager at a coffee shop in an affluent area of Los Angeles.

[227] I woke up at 4 .30 a .m. almost every day.

[228] So one day, I walk into the coffee shop from the back door to open like any other day, and I noticed something is awry.

[229] Our bug zapper, which had been velcroed to the wall, is on the floor.

[230] Immediately, almost too immediately, I come to the conclusion.

[231] Ghosts?

[232] I enter the front.

[233] Turn on the lights and see a big gaping hole where the window once was.

[234] Panic sets in.

[235] We had a break in.

[236] Is the culprit still there?

[237] Am I in danger?

[238] I look around the small space with phone in hand, ready to dial 911, and no one is around.

[239] Thank God.

[240] When I tell you there is glass everywhere, there is glass everywhere.

[241] months after the incident, I was still finding broken glass, completely covering every surface and on the floor, but there were also shards of glass all the way to the sidewalk.

[242] So I call everyone, the police, my operations manager, my mom, my boss tells us to stay and open like normal.

[243] Sure.

[244] So slowly our regulars start rolling in.

[245] Now, being in a trendy, wealthier area of L .A., we get quite a number of celebrities.

[246] And then in parentheses, it just...

[247] says brag.

[248] Now, I don't want to name any names, but we would often get a lovely visit from a particular Irishman with devilish good looks and eyebrows that could vote, run for mayor, pull their own weight, start a band, build a house, join a cult, call your dad, etc. Yep, Colin Farrell.

[249] Yay!

[250] It's a Colin Farrell email.

[251] Oh my God.

[252] Singles and Colin Farrell.

[253] Like, what else is there for Karen?

[254] Like, like, oh my God.

[255] Also, KK is loose.

[256] I am kind of dying.

[257] Here's the funniest thing, though.

[258] After the name Colin Farrell, they put somehow in an email, they have the emoji of a penguin.

[259] I don't know what that means.

[260] Oh, the penguin from Batman.

[261] Did he play the penguin?

[262] He played the penguin in the most recent Batman.

[263] Oh, that's amazing.

[264] For a second, I was like, oh, these kids with their secret emoji language.

[265] I was like, the lobster.

[266] Was there a penguin in the lobster?

[267] Is the penguin a girl eggplant?

[268] How to, what's happening?

[269] Okay.

[270] He is the penguin.

[271] Okay.

[272] Colin orders as usual through the app.

[273] And then in parentheses, it says, I still remember his coffee order to this day.

[274] I'm like, I need it.

[275] Please.

[276] Please.

[277] And when he arrives, one of my employees is outside sweeping glass with a pitiful broom and the rest of my staff, including myself, are busy inside sweeping, cleaning, and making coffee orders.

[278] Colin pokes his head through the gaping hole and says, what the fuck happened?

[279] I explained that we had a break in and he says, and you have.

[280] have to stay open.

[281] And then in parentheses, it says, oh, he gets me. He then turns to my employee and motions with his hand to give him the broom.

[282] I'm standing there in a coffee shop with broken glass up to my elbows.

[283] Colin Farrell's flat white in hand.

[284] There's his coffee order.

[285] Flat white.

[286] Watching Colin Farrell sweep glass outside and I speak out loud.

[287] I'm not entirely convinced I'm not dreaming.

[288] I hand him his coffee.

[289] Our hand.

[290] hands graze each other through the handoff and I carry on with my day one of the best days of my life.

[291] And then it says, and now for your unexpected pleasure, an MFM anecdote.

[292] So they're transferring just from one of the greatest Colin Farrell stories I've ever heard.

[293] Yeah.

[294] Second only to my own where I saw him at the concession stand at the arc light.

[295] Yes.

[296] Into this.

[297] For the shortest minute of my life, I worked in an animal hospital.

[298] One busy day, I see this confused man walk in with a dog.

[299] He asks if we can help him.

[300] This dog appeared on his front lawn and didn't know who they belonged to.

[301] I scan the microchip and let him know I'd be right back.

[302] In the back, I make the call and the woman on the other line gives me the name and the phone number of the owner.

[303] She starts to say the name.

[304] Karen Kilgarith?

[305] What?

[306] My jaw equals floor.

[307] You're kidding me. I have Karen Kilgarov's dog in the lobby and then bam.

[308] It made sense.

[309] This dog.

[310] had three legs.

[311] It was George.

[312] Oh my God.

[313] So Karen, I sincerely apologize for leaving you the most confusing and disoriented voicemail.

[314] I was starstruck by sweet old George and your outgoing message, which is literally me going, hello, you've reached Carol, I'll leave a message goodbye, like as fast as I possibly can.

[315] Just kind of funny.

[316] All righty, stay sexy.

[317] And when Colin Farrell motions to you to give him the broom, you give him the broom.

[318] Chelsea B. Do you remember that?

[319] Specifically.

[320] I remember it and I remember Chelsea B's message because it was during quarantine.

[321] Yeah.

[322] So this was like right when people started feeling like it might be okay to see their friends and actually like be around another outside person.

[323] Yeah.

[324] Which was so weird.

[325] So Bridger Weinerger of I said no guest.

[326] Please listen if you haven't already.

[327] He calls and he's like, I'm going to go and saying if I stay in my house one minute longer.

[328] And I'm like, let's go to the beach.

[329] And so George had a. problem slash talent when she had all four legs and then apparently when she had all three.

[330] That's what I was going to say is I didn't know she fucking was able to do that with three legs.

[331] Yes.

[332] So my dog George, when she had four legs, could climb fences.

[333] And I thought my fence was broken because she got out multiple times at my old house and my neighbors around me were like, you're the worst dog parent of all time.

[334] And I literally was like hiring my next door neighbor Rick to come and fix my fence even though we were like okay let's replace this fence now we're replacing this fence and then one day Rick is standing in his driveway and he watches George pull herself up over an eight foot fence flip herself into his hedge roll off and then walk up the street and he goes Karen I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes I was like thank you I'm not a bad dog parent she's like this is extraordinary so this time this was at a new house and essentially they found there was this weird way out the front that because it was the first time I'd left the house in two years.

[335] Yeah.

[336] Yeah.

[337] She's like, fuck this.

[338] Where's mom?

[339] She was panicking, I think, and she went and climbed the front fence with three legs.

[340] And then basically walked up the street.

[341] This is kind of the funniest thing.

[342] And this family was so nice.

[343] She walks up the street and then just goes into these people's yards and lays down.

[344] Because she only has three legs.

[345] So she's like, I shouldn't have made his choice.

[346] Yeah.

[347] Yeah.

[348] So I'm out of the house for the first time in over two years and we're driving home from the beach.

[349] So we're like on the 405.

[350] Yeah.

[351] And then I see, oh no, I've gotten four messages that can't be good.

[352] And the first one was from Chelsea B going, hi, Karen.

[353] I work at the blah, blah, blah, blah.

[354] Animal Hospital.

[355] We found your dog.

[356] And then I'm like, of course.

[357] God, she's okay.

[358] Yeah.

[359] That's terrifying.

[360] It was pretty.

[361] terrifying and then when we pulled up and she was just laying in their front yard like it was her house just chilling and they had like a little son i think he was like four three or four years old just kind of hanging out with her and it was just like as if i had dropped her off at the dog sitter and now it was picking her up except for these people didn't she had a play date it was so embarrassing that's adorable so embarrassing the only way that would have been better is if the guy had been single and it had been a meat cute.

[362] Could you imagine?

[363] That someone has had to meet that way before, right?

[364] Probably.

[365] Yeah.

[366] Somebody with a true lunatic.

[367] Like that dog was, she had a touch of crazy in her where she was just like, yeah, if you leave me alone for too long, I'm just going to start climbing shit and I don't care.

[368] I got to find you.

[369] Yeah.

[370] I'm trying to save your life.

[371] What are you doing leaving the house?

[372] You're out in this world by yourself?

[373] I don't trust you out in the world.

[374] All right.

[375] This last one's called two for one funeral director edition.

[376] My dad has passed so I feel like I can safely share these stories now.

[377] My dad worked as a funeral director and one time the mob approached him asking to bury two bodies at once via a hidden compartment under a casket.

[378] Oh, wow.

[379] Wow.

[380] He said no. Not so much because it was wrong, but because, quote, once you do one thing for the mob, you're on the hook for life.

[381] Yeah.

[382] My dad very much enjoyed not being beholden to anyone.

[383] I mean, either way, you're fucked.

[384] You say no to the mob and then they know that you know a secret.

[385] Also, how do you say no to the mob and they don't make you the third body in the second compartment?

[386] Exactly.

[387] No, thank you.

[388] Okay, guys, you're great.

[389] I think you're great.

[390] Yeah.

[391] I'm just not, that's not me. Love your work.

[392] Love what you do.

[393] Just.

[394] Just know.

[395] And also, Was he providing the casket with the secret compartment or were they?

[396] That's a great question.

[397] Maybe they have them.

[398] Mm -hmm.

[399] Yeah.

[400] There was also a time that he worked at a crematory.

[401] The building looked like a generic, unlabeled industrial garage from the outside.

[402] One night, the hearse inside was stolen for a joyride.

[403] The cops found it the next day, only a few blocks away, parked on the side of the road, with a note inside from the thieves, stating how very sorry they were to have stolen it.

[404] This was because there was a body in the back the whole time.

[405] Oh, yeah, they're sorry.

[406] Very sorry.

[407] I still laugh imagining their reaction when they realized.

[408] It was like teenagers or something, you know.

[409] Yeah, yeah.

[410] Stay sexy and say no to the mob, V. How?

[411] How do you say no to the mob?

[412] No, thank you, I think.

[413] Maybe it's the funeral home.

[414] It was like an old family funeral home where they've been in the neighborhood for years.

[415] And it was like, guys, you know I can't get involved in this type of thing.

[416] Totally.

[417] I mean, then it makes you wonder how many fucking bodies are buried in a trapdoor in a fucking casket from the mob.

[418] In New Jersey, many.

[419] Jimmy Hatha, he's in a bunk bed.

[420] He's just down there under somebody's great grandma.

[421] Yeah.

[422] Someone's Nana died and he really, hey.

[423] What a batch.

[424] That was a batch for sure.

[425] That was quite a batch.

[426] That was, can you do it too?

[427] Write us a letter.

[428] at My Favorite Murder at Gmail.

[429] Get in here.

[430] It's fun.

[431] And stay sexy.

[432] And don't get murdered.

[433] Goodbye.

[434] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[435] This has been an exactly right production.

[436] Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck.

[437] Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.

[438] This episode was mixed by Lianna Squalachi.

[439] Email your hometowns to My Favorite Murder at Gmail .com.

[440] And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and on Twitter.

[441] at MyFave Murder.

[442] Goodbye.

[443] Follow My Favorite Murder on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you like to listen so you don't miss an episode.

[444] If you like what you hear, rate and review the show.

[445] Visit Exactly RightStore .com to purchase My Favorite Murder merch.