104 - Garden Party

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Center yourself?

[17] Yes.

[18] Are you centered?

[19] I feel like I might be.

[20] Are you in the center?

[21] I'm kind of, I'm a little sideways.

[22] A little wonky?

[23] I might be a little wanky.

[24] That's because this is my favorite murder.

[25] The podcast with the consistently worst opening in the history of podcasts.

[26] You know, we invite you in slowly with awkwardness.

[27] Right, by making you want to turn it off.

[28] But, but you stick around.

[29] Because you're like, maybe this could get worse.

[30] That's Karen Kilgariff.

[31] That sigh is Karen Kilgariff.

[32] And that fake sigh is Georgia Heart Stark.

[33] Hi.

[34] Hi, we're here to talk to you about true crime and all the things that we have now associated with two crime.

[35] Which is everything.

[36] Which pretty much anything.

[37] Anything, everything, all of it.

[38] The thing I'm loving now is just consistent pictures of old razor blade holes.

[39] in people's bathroom cabinet like 2018 is all about shit hidden in walls yes and especially if you have an old time you medicine cabinet go check yours i bet there's so many people listening like what are you fucking talking about yeah go downstairs i don't know if you're upstairs i don't know why your bathroom's downstairs wait first of all why are you upstairs go downstairs someone's in their car right now they don't know so go upstairs to the double -decker bus you know the double -decker bus driver how you do it go upstairs go upstairs to your mansion go into the bathroom why don't you have bathroom upstairs yeah that's so weird everyone does and why don't you do you and then open your cabinet and is there a thing that says razors can go in here or whatever the fuck an old -timey font yes is there a little old -fashioned hole that seems haunted and could have a bloody remnants of somebody in it so much DNA so much vintage DNA ooh that would be fun and just maybe you You stare at it for a couple hours, then you start to pull at it.

[40] Then you write a book of short stories about every person who's put a razor into that fucking whole.

[41] First, it's an old guy.

[42] Then it's a young guy.

[43] And it's a lady who's shaving her legs.

[44] Yes.

[45] Can we get a woman?

[46] Why is the patriarchy taking over your book of short stories?

[47] Never forget.

[48] Women shave way more than men.

[49] So much more.

[50] We're just all of our bodies.

[51] Face and legs.

[52] All of it.

[53] Listen, when you get to be 30 -something, you're going to shave your face too.

[54] Don't worry about it.

[55] One of my favorite tweets is our friend Morgan Murphy, hilarious comedian Morgan Murphy.

[56] She has my favorite tweet of all time, which is your girlfriend shaves her toes.

[57] Holy shit.

[58] Yeah, just a little drop of hardcore information.

[59] That's good.

[60] Sorry, it's the truth.

[61] That's like a, like an Italian.

[62] Yep.

[63] Just get it done real quick.

[64] You don't need 240 characters to get the good stuff going.

[65] Amen.

[66] You know, I had to take the close -up mirror down from my wall.

[67] the bathroom, the, like, look at this mirror, real close at all the hairs and stuff, I had to take it down.

[68] I only, I save that special occasion, hotel rooms only.

[69] Good call.

[70] But then you're like, what is wrong with me?

[71] And then you look at your face and you're like, why isn't I even told me?

[72] But when I was growing up, we got those for Christmas one year.

[73] My sister and I, when I was like 14 and she was 16.

[74] Because your mom was like, girls.

[75] She, it was someone else that gave me to us.

[76] Holy shit.

[77] And we, I used to sit at my desk in my room with the lights out and that thing on it, like, switching it you know how it'd be like day evening night whatever evening and night are the same but not on this mirror it was like one was green one was bright one was like really pinky rosy what if you're after like what if you're at like a like a late afternoon tonight party like that evening is going to come and you're going to need to look your best you're going to have to yeah you have to adjust your eyebrow plucking to the light or more men will never love you and you'll never find a husband never find a man you will not land a man at this garden party unless you pluck your chin correctly your jessica mclintock dress can only get you so far and that fucking up to that permed up to you better get your list of topics to talk about in small talk conversations and you better shave your upper lip or thread it or do something something don't forget about those nose hairs because that's a reality girl there's no here's the worst one oh no just everyone's all i'll just catch a random black neck hair.

[78] Yeah, yeah, I got the chin.

[79] I got the chin covered.

[80] You got the neck.

[81] You take the neck.

[82] I'll take the chin.

[83] Neck might be like the next stage up since I'm like a whole generation older than you.

[84] Question, is it going up or down?

[85] I feel like it might be going down.

[86] Oh, no. No, it's horrible.

[87] You're in for a treat.

[88] I'm in for the night.

[89] That's why I do not leave my house.

[90] I can't trust my neck.

[91] I don't know what's coming out of there ever.

[92] What we're talking about?

[93] Oh, yeah.

[94] He got the mirror.

[95] Just, I would stare into it and pluck my eyebrows and look at my pores for so long that my dad would just keep walking by my bedroom door going, bz -z -z -z -r -z -z -z.

[96] He would make a noise like it was a bug light, and I was like, a praying mantis caught on a bug light.

[97] He's like, look at the bug light.

[98] You're not helping, pumping.

[99] They never helped.

[100] No, why would they?

[101] They want you to suffer, so you don't get an ego.

[102] Well, it fucking worked.

[103] And, like, reach great heights or whatever.

[104] you know why because then you're going to fall further you're welcome 14 year old Karen see it doesn't hurt as bad when you don't climb as high when you stumble upwards it's better than when you climb upwards that's right right or or sore upwards right that's take so much ever that's for the rich that's for like people who don't have friends or like time for friends yeah time for pets yeah that's for people who are like oh i'm a concert clarinetist well congratulations Yeah.

[105] Go do that then by yourself.

[106] I can't have a dog or cat.

[107] I just, I'm never home.

[108] I'm working all hours.

[109] And it's like, well, then you're living your life wrong.

[110] Yeah.

[111] You need a pet.

[112] Bring it with you.

[113] Bring it to the symphony with you.

[114] Yeah.

[115] Let's teach it to fucking play a horn instrument.

[116] Wait, speaking of which can I tell you sidebar that I took my dogs to the dog beach.

[117] Yeah, which is like, I'm so jealous.

[118] I can't take my cats to the dog beach.

[119] You shouldn't.

[120] They would not have a good time.

[121] But although it is one big cat box, really.

[122] that they'd be like whoa nope i don't think that would happen everywhere we go with and shit but because it had rained so crazy down here there was so much garbage and seaweed on the beach frank was like in heaven it was like a gar a mini beach garbage dump what was in there um well there was one whole huge fish no way by just a big dead fish that's so cool then there was lots of what looked it was pieces of plastic that looked like they were from legs, panty hose containers, like the eggs.

[123] We're like, why are there so many plastic eggs around?

[124] Then there was like a basically an IKEA Futon frame.

[125] What?

[126] There's a little kid in the surf that was pushing out a huge, like it looked like the gnarled base of an oak tree.

[127] And he was just, it was like mom, where's his mom or dad?

[128] They were like, oh, good a project.

[129] You go do that in the, in right in the riptide.

[130] One word, pathogens.

[131] Just everywhere.

[132] One small cut on your foot.

[133] One tiny cut.

[134] Do you watch house?

[135] Go watch house.

[136] They'll never trace that disease.

[137] I know.

[138] All those beautiful young doctors on the beach.

[139] Oh my God.

[140] And there was like oil.

[141] It was really dirty and I took my feet.

[142] I took my shoes off and then I was like.

[143] No, Karen.

[144] I didn't think about it until like 45 minutes in.

[145] And I was like, oh, I'm, there's no way I'm not going to have some crazy mystery rash.

[146] This podcast is going to change to my favorite staff infection.

[147] like tonight get your fucking feet off my couch everything's covered I keep everything in surgical booties until I'm cleared two weeks cleared this is what happens when you leave the house but what would your favorite staff infection be oh god there's a lot there's so many good ones I really do love foreign bodies foreign bodies I like a good jump on a rusty nail I did that once in sixth grade I don't like that it was intense but I think I did it because I was at a slumber party that I didn't want to be at.

[148] It was very intensely Christian.

[149] I was like, I've got to get out of here.

[150] And the next thing I knew, I was like jumping in a field and I landed on a rusty nail.

[151] I was like, well, it looks like I got to go.

[152] My mom.

[153] Unless we can break into your parents' liquor cabinet and just pour some alcohol on this or wherever.

[154] I think I need to be driven away from here.

[155] Whatever the medical procedure is, it's not going to take place on this.

[156] It's not praying over my foot.

[157] No. It's not going to be with your weird Christian records.

[158] got to go love the lord see you at school but i can't handle this um i'm watching a show on at netflix yes it might be watching that everyone loves called the end of the fucking world no do you heard it no oh it's so good what is it okay it's like okay it's like if you took um harold and mod yes anti west anderson anti like angry at west anderson like anti like cute and and like cute and And, like, kitchy in that way, but, like, no shot is centered.

[159] Nothing is.

[160] No thing is doubled up.

[161] Maybe just Wes Anderson, but, like, dark Wes Anderson.

[162] Okay, got it, got it.

[163] Okay.

[164] And then, like, it's just like, it's dark, but, like, cute and cool.

[165] It's like these, it's really good.

[166] And there's murdery, and there's these two young kids in it.

[167] And they're like, he looks like Harold from Harold and Ma.

[168] And she's super adorable.

[169] And maybe they murder someone.

[170] We don't know.

[171] Oh.

[172] It's a really good show.

[173] I love it.

[174] Should I read you the thing instead of telling you?

[175] Sure.

[176] About it in my own special way?

[177] I feel like what you just did was very clear.

[178] Listen, if I say it's good, it's probably good.

[179] I mean, I feel like you're batting.

[180] I'd say eight for ten.

[181] Sure.

[182] Where'd I get, where'd I go wrong?

[183] You were going to say that?

[184] I don't know.

[185] I couldn't give you ten out of ten.

[186] I just couldn't.

[187] Well, that's fair enough.

[188] Because I'm, again, I want you to climb.

[189] I want things to be hard.

[190] I want you to earn it.

[191] If you compliment someone without a little bit of a negativity in it, they're just going to not try anymore.

[192] That's right.

[193] They're going to get a big head.

[194] Uh -huh.

[195] and you know that's the worst thing that can happen right then they're going to show up at a fucking garden party with hairs coming out of everywhere oh look at me i'm so pretty i have a beard no this is wrong what's happening you're never going to find a husband you're you and your you're Jessica mclintock dress you will be loved well grow old together oh sure you can wear that dress all you want but the floral's not going to land you a man it's not the florals no it's a clear chin.

[196] It's a smooth chin and a feminine chin.

[197] So shut up.

[198] Shut it!

[199] Georgia, what are we doing?

[200] I don't know.

[201] What do you have to talk about?

[202] Okay.

[203] Anything?

[204] Yeah, I do.

[205] Two weeks ago, the last in -person upstairs, what do we call this podcast when it's us?

[206] Not live.

[207] I talked about the Beast of Jersey.

[208] Somebody said, I was making conversation with somebody and they were like, what was your last show about?

[209] They had never listened to the podcast.

[210] They were just trying to be polite.

[211] And I went into a synopsis of what the Beast of Jersey was all about.

[212] And as I was saying it, I was like, stop talking now.

[213] You were like, oh, they were being polite.

[214] They don't want to know about the fucking leather mask.

[215] This person wore plastic, weird, rapey that they raped out of anyone.

[216] They raped every one they could get by themselves.

[217] Which is why I think people listen to this podcast and why you and I are doing it is that we realize we can't talk to anyone about it.

[218] That's exactly right.

[219] We all have to meet here.

[220] you want to have the these are not dinner conversations no these are your friend's new girlfriend okay these are this is like a podcast of i i don't get the face of someone who isn't interested when i tell them about this isn't it cool and then but usually they they like they kill inside their own race and they didn't kill inside their own race anymore and he did this that's amazing nobody wants to know about that that's in real life people are like uh -huh anyhow she did you hear about the bomb right um So anyway, but as some of you know, I did talk about the kind of cows because the islands we were talking about were Jersey and Guernsey.

[221] And so then I began to hold forth like a cow expert.

[222] You are.

[223] Because I am a C plus cow expert.

[224] That's how much I got it right.

[225] And I'm very angry and ashamed because I grew up amidst cows.

[226] I had to smell their shit every day.

[227] It was all hay.

[228] and cows and alfalfa and nonstop dairy so the fact that i got this wrong is both shaming and then also i'm not sure why i keep i mean proximity doesn't equal fucking knowledge knowledge very true here we go are you ready always um this is from gale okay gail you're absolutely right about the jersey and guernsey cattle breeds coming from the islands in the english channel but a little not right about oh that's so nice a little not right you're just a little not right you're just a little not right which is so accurate about what those cows look like.

[229] Jerseys are the smaller brown ones and their babies look like little deer.

[230] Little babies.

[231] They are the cutest.

[232] Even the groans are cute.

[233] Guernzies are brown and white cows and they aren't as common.

[234] The black and white cows are Holsteinsed, that's what I was talking about.

[235] Both jerseys and Guernsies are known for their rich and flavorful milk that is high in protein in butterfat, although the milk that you buy from the store has been standardized in its nutrient composition by removing fat and then adding it back in.

[236] government so the fat content the government so the fat content is most important for making other dairy products besides milk jerseys are particularly popular because even though they are small and don't make as much milk as larger cows they are much more efficient and making milk think of them as the preases of dairy cattle and i will from now on i'm a professor of dairy and animal science Oh my God, Gail.

[237] So I was pretty tickled to hear you guys talk about cows while I was simultaneously listening to your podcast and scrambling to edit PowerPoints about cows before the semester starts.

[238] It's like her episode.

[239] It was like made for her.

[240] She's like, listen, I hate serial rapists.

[241] Yeah.

[242] But here's my chance to shine.

[243] But still, I found something I could love here.

[244] And that's what we try to do.

[245] This is what it's all about.

[246] And then she said, cheers to all and especially the pets, Gail.

[247] And then in parentheses it says, which in my case is a woman.

[248] scientist's name I don't know what that means oh that's great so thank you Gail also thank you Sarah Emma Alley and everyone who tweeted us this correction we got emails from Sarah Emma and Ali also that were all equally as informative about cows that's nice so just so everybody knows jerseys are the prettiest cows Guerns are like Jersey's less pretty sister oh now we're going to get the cake mail from cows I'm going for it.

[249] Holsteins are black and white cows, like, from an old country folk painting.

[250] And then the ones I grew up with were heifers, which are the orange and white ones.

[251] I believe they are.

[252] Or maybe that's...

[253] I have never known so much about cows in my life.

[254] And isn't it fun?

[255] Like, you can now take this straight to a dinner party.

[256] Yeah.

[257] Instead of talking about murder.

[258] You go straight into listing cows in their colors.

[259] You know how everyone loves to talk about.

[260] You just wait for a nice pause in the car.

[261] conversation did you know the ones that look like there are jerseys they're heppers and then you got fuck the government fuck the government may i have that salt and pepper please um can i say correct to correct nobody really but just to read this hi ladies and then in presence he says stephen animals oh and this is called some montessori insight about george's dirty feet Oh, oh, here we go.

[262] Blah, blah, blah, really nice stuff.

[263] And then on episode 102, you mentioned attending Montessori schools, and Georgia recalls having a feet washing bucket.

[264] As a Montessori teacher, I was cackling in my car.

[265] This dirty feet scenario is totally not a fever dream.

[266] The goal of Montessori schools is to teach independence, life skills, and appreciation of nature.

[267] You were lucky enough to get to go outside and explore and learn, allowing those feet to get nasty.

[268] Bless your teacher for allowing the children to wash their feet.

[269] water so fun we only have a hand washing station i'm not nice enough to let my little ones take their shoes off outside anyways thanks for all you do uh stay sexy wash those feet don't get murdered jamie uh well jamie though that i bet that's smart because you don't want like a child staff infection don't step on a fucking rusty nail do not they'll jump on it just to get out of school oh definitely lazy anyhow oh i guess this last one this is just a fun email yeah it's even pulled for us.

[270] Look and listen, David Fincher.

[271] Yeah.

[272] Is the subject line from Gina.

[273] Hi, ladies, an honorary lady Stephen Raymore.

[274] Steven's triumphantly raising his fists.

[275] So good.

[276] Was watching seven for the first time.

[277] First time, such a good movie.

[278] You've had 29 years.

[279] I was watching seven for the first time and noticed this.

[280] And then she pulled a screen cap and it's Morgan Freeman standing in front of Broad Pitt.

[281] And the line he's saying to him is, I want you to look and I want you to listen, okay?

[282] And then she back in the email says, just saying, has anyone ever seen Karen and Georgia in the same room as Morgan Freeman?

[283] Karen and Morgan certainly share that deep distinguished voice.

[284] Oh, my God.

[285] Lots of love plus some sloth, greed, gluttony, et cetera, Gina.

[286] That's everyone so goddamn funny.

[287] If you haven't seen seven murderinos, young murderinos, go watch seven.

[288] Oh, my God.

[289] It's so creepy.

[290] This conversation ends here.

[291] Pause it.

[292] Pause it.

[293] Go downstairs and check your medicine cabinet.

[294] That's right.

[295] Go back upstairs.

[296] Go back upstairs.

[297] Why is your TV upstairs and your bathroom is downstairs?

[298] It seems inconvenient.

[299] Yeah.

[300] Because a basement bathroom and an attic TV room is just hard for the family.

[301] Is your house only a basement and an attic?

[302] What does that mean?

[303] Maybe you're a Dr. Sue's character.

[304] Do you have a hat that machines that clean?

[305] the house come out of it?

[306] Yeah.

[307] You might want to check your hat.

[308] Check your hat.

[309] And then check the fucking government, man. Yeah.

[310] Tell them about cows.

[311] Inform them.

[312] Who goes first this week?

[313] I think it's you, right?

[314] Did I go?

[315] Well, then we had a live episode.

[316] Oh, yeah, but didn't we say we were doing, we're not counting on?

[317] I think I'm first this week.

[318] I was counting on going first this week.

[319] Good, because I had to do it last week.

[320] Yeah.

[321] I find it to be a burden.

[322] Technically, yeah.

[323] Technically, yeah.

[324] You think a bird, you think, I think going first is better because then I can fucking chill a shit.

[325] Oh.

[326] Drink my sparkling wine.

[327] Oh.

[328] You know what I mean?

[329] Yeah, I do.

[330] So, but I can't go first every week because I would suck.

[331] Yeah, that would suck.

[332] It does suck.

[333] It's like you kind of have to get everything up off the ground.

[334] All right.

[335] You set a tone.

[336] Yeah.

[337] And then what if.

[338] I'm not trying to intimidate you, but you really control the mood right now.

[339] Just kidding.

[340] Fuck.

[341] Oh, no. Well, the thing too is, what if, what if this is your murder?

[342] What if my murder is your murder and I go get her first?

[343] I, then you don't have.

[344] go.

[345] I can't wait.

[346] Then I just sit back and go like, yes, girl, tell it.

[347] Yeah.

[348] Yeah, you forgot this part.

[349] Let me tell you this thing.

[350] I'm telling you this fucking thing.

[351] Hey, this is exciting.

[352] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[353] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.

[354] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[355] Who killed Saz?

[356] And were they really after Charles?

[357] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[358] This season, murder hits close to home with a threat of against one of their own.

[359] The stakes are higher than ever.

[360] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[361] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[362] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?

[363] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Meryl Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[364] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[365] Goodbye.

[366] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[367] Absolutely.

[368] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[369] Exactly.

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[382] Goodbye.

[383] Okay.

[384] And now we can start.

[385] Mm -hmm.

[386] All right.

[387] So I found this story and decided to do it and then found out that it is also an I survived episode.

[388] She's in an I survived episode.

[389] Yes.

[390] So this is special for you.

[391] Thank you.

[392] So I watched the I Survive episode.

[393] It was great.

[394] But also I got a lot, like most of my information from an article in the Willamette Week by Beth Slavic from 2016.

[395] So cool.

[396] Thank you, Beth.

[397] Good job.

[398] Yay.

[399] We're proud of you.

[400] Okay.

[401] So this is the story of Susan Kuhnhausen.

[402] Okay.

[403] Any bells yet?

[404] No. I feel like I'm like reading to the master.

[405] Can I just do a quick brag?

[406] Yeah.

[407] My sister said last weekend, I think it was, she was like, there's and I survived on, that's amazing right now.

[408] You need to watch it.

[409] A woman who escaped a serial killer.

[410] And I wrote back, does she have red hair in a green sweater?

[411] I've seen it already.

[412] And my sister goes, ooh, that was creepy.

[413] Because I know, we honestly have seen them all five times.

[414] I've seen maybe two.

[415] Okay.

[416] You're the queen of this.

[417] So I felt a little, but I think that this is, you know.

[418] Do you mind if I will listen to you?

[419] And guess the whole time.

[420] Yeah, I'll ring in when I think I know.

[421] That's what this podcast is.

[422] Yeah, girl.

[423] This podcast isn't be quiet while I tell you about the story.

[424] Could you please be quiet?

[425] Interrupt the shit out of me with incorrect guesses.

[426] This is the one time I've been interrupting you for two years straight.

[427] Yeah.

[428] But this is the one time we were like, could you please be quiet?

[429] This is in it I survived.

[430] This is actually really.

[431] And wait, literally two year straight today.

[432] That's right.

[433] It's our two year fucking anniversary of existence.

[434] of existing of having real fucking personalities lives having an interest that we shared that we thought this could possibly be interesting first day of the rest of our lives insanely dude two years high five Georgia hard start thank you you too Karen this fucking podcast would be going to Montessori no it wouldn't that's too young right it's too young okay but unless we're both working daycare working moms yeah listen we get Stephen will you be this podcast Nan Stephen's a podcast nanny.

[435] Yeah, I would think so.

[436] Stephen, thank you.

[437] Yeah, I'll take care of you.

[438] Okay.

[439] You would be a manny, right?

[440] Oh, right, right, right, right.

[441] Stephen, you came in, what, a year and a half?

[442] I mean, like six months in?

[443] My, I guess, two -year -old...

[444] Of course he knows what Steve.

[445] Yeah, there's a heart in his calendar.

[446] Oh, yeah.

[447] It's like a little, like, in my locker.

[448] It's like...

[449] Yay!

[450] My two -year anniversary is in May. Okay.

[451] Yeah.

[452] Well, we're going to say, right now that we'll get you something for your two anniversary and then we won't but then we'll make up for it and it'll be even better yes that's that's exactly all i could hope for that's all you've ever wanted that's how we do right yeah exactly you know how we do i love it yeah okay all right susan coonhousin okay here we go on the evening of wednesday september 6th 2006 51 year old emergency room nurse of nearly 30 years Susan Coonhausen ended her shift at Providence Portland Medical Center and headed to her appointment at Perfect Look Hair Salon in East Burnside Street on East Burnside Street.

[453] Portland, I guess you know what that is.

[454] You already know, don't you.

[455] No, no, no, I don't.

[456] I know that area that the Burnside District.

[457] Oh, okay.

[458] So, perfect look.

[459] It's our new hair salon.

[460] It's so good.

[461] It's so good.

[462] Susan had moved to Oregon in the early 80s.

[463] She settled in Portland and she was well liked by everyone and who knew her, of course.

[464] Everyone says she's outgoing, vivacious.

[465] She's this amazing nurse.

[466] She's loved by everyone.

[467] In 1988, when she was in her early 30s, Susan, along with a friend and her mom's help, placed a singles ad in the Willamette Week, which is what this fucking, I just realized, there's what this article is from.

[468] Oh, yeah.

[469] I didn't put it together.

[470] That's awesome.

[471] That's amazing.

[472] That's a very popular circular up there in Portland.

[473] I think it still exists.

[474] Yeah.

[475] Okay.

[476] Um, looking for, and so she placed a singles ad, which is how you used to find love.

[477] It's like before.

[478] Could you imagine?

[479] No. It's just like, oh, it's all like letters and numbers and like I'm a Taurus, S, F, L. S .M. Looking for D. I think my mom put one of those in, in like Irvine weekly or whatever in the 80s.

[480] Did she get any, did she catch any good fish?

[481] I'm sure she didn't.

[482] Jesus.

[483] The guys she dated were horrendous.

[484] Were they sickening?

[485] No, they were just like, like single dads in the 80s were creeps.

[486] You know what I mean?

[487] A lot of transition lenses, a lot of mustache.

[488] All right.

[489] This isn't about me. Okay.

[490] Or Janet.

[491] It's always about Janet.

[492] It's always about Janet.

[493] Okay.

[494] So she wrote looking for a quote, someone different.

[495] And then about herself, she wrote, overweight, but not over life.

[496] Which I love so much.

[497] There's your, there's like, that's a necklace instead of like live, laugh, love.

[498] Overweight, but not over life.

[499] over life and then you kick a stranger in the dick as he's reading that you know the website reductrists that I'm just upset like their fucking headlines make me laugh so hard and their articles it's like it's like the onion for women yes they have like a merch now and one of their they have a shirt that has an arrow and it's up to the arrow goes to your face and it says my vagina's up here They had one after the Golden Globes that said, zero quotes from men about the Me Too movement.

[500] They're so funny.

[501] It's so good.

[502] Okay.

[503] Someone different.

[504] Overweight, but not over life, seeks SM, who wants more out of a relationship than just, quote, slender.

[505] Fucking girl.

[506] Yes.

[507] And this is in the late 80s when none of these attitudes were allowed.

[508] No, you go to fucking jazzercise and you diet and reduce or you're nothing and no one.

[509] It's bulimia or bust, everybody.

[510] it was a hard time but then meanwhile we were being tricked into ingesting fake diet food that was actually filled with sugar so like we all thought new york seltzer was diet yeah and we're like this is so delicious you drink like seven of them and it's just like drinking go right and then you scream at your kids yeah okay okay 39 year old mike coon hanson responded and about him susan said quote he had a nice voice i was impressed he wanted to talk about deeper things which i wrote red flag You know, no, he doesn't.

[511] He goes straight to poetry.

[512] Get out of there.

[513] Deeper things.

[514] Deeper than what?

[515] Than what?

[516] Okay, their first day was in February, 1988.

[517] Mike was adopted as a newborn in 1948.

[518] Grew up in Portland.

[519] He told Susan he saw combat in Vietnam, but military records list him as a switchboard operator.

[520] Oh.

[521] Within the year, they drove to Reno to get married.

[522] So she marries this dude, Mike Kuhnhausen.

[523] Okay.

[524] It quickly soured.

[525] she said quote it wasn't long after wait a second wait a second don't give it away for the listeners at home i won't i think i know just say give me a give me like a keyword she finds him in the house no okay um but close i think you do know you're just not there yet okay we got to get you for a little further and then you're like yes okay da da da it wasn't very long after we got married that there was no more hiking, no more going out.

[526] Yeah, because people say they're into shit, that they're not into shit.

[527] And then in a year, they're sick of you, which is why you need to start a relationship saying, I like to sit at home and binge watch shit with my cats and fucking get takeout.

[528] Yeah, what's past like topical weekend interest?

[529] Yeah.

[530] That's the reality of the relationship.

[531] Nobody likes to hike.

[532] No, it's total dating bullshit.

[533] It's stupid.

[534] It's really dumb.

[535] It's for single, desperate, thirsty people.

[536] Literally in figure.

[537] Literally.

[538] Literally thirsty people.

[539] Okay.

[540] that did I married.

[541] Within a few years of the wedding, Mike got a new job as a janitorial supervisor for Oregon Entertainment, the parent company of Fantasy Adult Video.

[542] So basically he started working for an adult video company as the janitor, which has to be like a bummer job.

[543] Like you don't come home from that fucking kicking your heels and hugging your wife.

[544] Even if it's all paper products and like guys and ties, there is still a level of light scum, I would say on everything that he that was his job just to mop off totally literally and figuratively yeah okay so he starts slowly revealing to her in the early years that he'd never really been happy his life philosophy she says was life's a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite until you die fucking thanks garfield Jesus Christ this is why everyone needs to go to therapy and get pharmaceuticals yes well not everyone but this guy clearly I mean it's It's just, so sorry, that's all of life to you.

[545] Like, you're not going to, you have that attitude and you're not going to do anything to change it.

[546] Like, take a chill pill, and by chill pill, I mean a fucking Zoloft.

[547] Lithium.

[548] Help yourself.

[549] Okay.

[550] Mike chain smoked.

[551] He also pounded Diet Coke, which is like, is that, why are you being a dick about it?

[552] He was very controlling.

[553] He would hound Susan about her plans when she went out and he kept track of her spending and complained about all her purchases, which is like, shut up.

[554] I need to go to perfect look every two weeks or you're going to tell me I look like shit.

[555] Yes, exactly.

[556] Also, she is an emergency room nurse.

[557] Yeah.

[558] She's pulling down.

[559] That is a union wage.

[560] She's doing very well.

[561] Yeah, your fantasy adult fucking video store is not the same wage.

[562] Probably not.

[563] So, yeah, the spending discussion, anyway, go ahead.

[564] Let's talk about marriage.

[565] Okay, 17 years into their marriage, is like fuck the shit she said I cared about him but I didn't want to live with him anymore I wanted to be happy again so in September 2005 she kicks him the fuck out of the house good and he moves into his father's home but Susan never changes the locks or the alarm code which was their anniversary oh well why would she it's her husband right that she thinks she knows and has a relationship with right okay so she wasn't surprised after her hair appointment she gets home.

[566] She's still in her scrubs.

[567] Uh, it's 6 .37 p .m. She lives in Montevilla neighborhood.

[568] Comes home, finds a note by the microwave from Mike because they're still talking and stuff saying, Sue, I haven't been sleeping, had to get away, went to the beach.

[569] He said he'd see here on Friday or Saturday.

[570] Love me. He says.

[571] So Susan disarms the alarm, goes through the house to the front, grabs her mail.

[572] And she comes back inside and looks through the house to her bedroom and sees that it's really fucking dark in her bedroom up normally.

[573] And she's like, oh, I thought I'd open the drapes that morning.

[574] There's like something is off.

[575] She knew it immediately in the in the feckon ant insect part of her brain.

[576] Well, there's, what is scarier than that?

[577] Yeah.

[578] I mean, you're standing in your house and there's something off.

[579] There's something that you didn't do that that is like, I always have a lamp.

[580] There's a one lamp I never turn off.

[581] And if that, if that were off, if I came home and that were off, I would be like, well, I would think I got my electricity turned off, which happens constantly.

[582] me um but my thing is like if my cats aren't if one of the cats aren't greeting me there's something wrong in the house yes you know like they're scared there's there's a reason if my dogs aren't there barking at the window like i'm the mailman i think they're both dead like i picture oh they ate they ate chemicals they ate whatever like i go through a whole thing of trying to go into acceptance about losing both dogs at the same time oh no jesus and then georgia like walk up like what i was sleeping um yeah other day Vince and I came home and the whole house smelled like cigarettes like someone had just smoked a cigarette or was smoking a cigarette in the house.

[583] It was really fucking creepy and we like went room to room and looked everywhere and what was?

[584] Did you have a window open?

[585] No, I don't know what it was.

[586] It was probably someone in the hallway or something.

[587] Wait, I think we've talked about this already.

[588] But did I ever tell you about my friends who live in New York and they are the producers of Eugene Merman's Comedy Festival?

[589] And they put a camera.

[590] in their house because they, in their apartment, they kept noticing little things moved.

[591] And so finally, they put this, a camera in their house that would switch on if there was movement.

[592] And so the guy was at work, it switches on.

[593] Their landlord just is going into their house walking around.

[594] And she's, it's one of the creepiest videos.

[595] They showed it to me. And she's just really slowly walking around and looking at everything.

[596] Oh my God And she like at one point Walks Upstairs Which is just their bedroom And is up there for like three minutes And then comes back down I never told you about that No I want to cry And then she just leaves But it was like one of the creepiest weirdest Things I've ever seen How come she was moving shit?

[597] It's like she would She would look over like for a while She'd look at pictures Or she'd like lean over She was just snooping around I would do that So I'm sure one time she like pick up a magazine Look at it and put it down thinking They'll never notice Oh my God is that amazing you know that's happened in your life oh my god right like someone's gone through your shit when i was a kid when i was like a certain there was a certain like young part period in my life i was like 12 where all i fucking did was snoop through my fucking family shit yes just snoop 100 % it was so much fun i would always go through my mom's nightstand drawer because there was always weird super random shit in there yeah there was never anything good but it would be like if i dig back here far enough there'll be something weird where I'm like is this sexual I'm not sure and it never was it was like never what I wanted it one time I thought I found a porn under my parents bed and I pulled it out and it was just an exercise like video tape yeah I was gonna say a VCR my friend and I went through we it was during this time and I had a friend who was like yeah let's go through my mom shit too and we both had single moms and we found like it must have been given to her as a gag gift because now that I'm older I'm like no one would use those on themselves it's disgusting but at the time I were like I think we like stopped looking through people's stuff after we found this box of like weird dildo attachments yes we were both like oh no yeah and never talked about it again that's the thing that you learn depending from somewhere between when you're 11 and 14 yeah which is you can go ahead and snoop all you want but there's a you have to land on the other side of snooping, which is not only that you're a snooper and you could get caught and then known as that, but then you know something.

[598] Yeah, there might be shit you don't want to know.

[599] You're not even imagining what you wouldn't want to know and managing that.

[600] You're just being like, I know what this is going to amount to.

[601] Yeah.

[602] Don't do it.

[603] Do not.

[604] I mean, do, but just know that.

[605] But then you have to die with some secrets.

[606] You could snoop up a secret that you're, then you're just like, well, then I just have to know that.

[607] And talk about it years later.

[608] It's true.

[609] Okay.

[610] This isn't about me. This is about Susan.

[611] That's right.

[612] Disarming her alarm.

[613] It's dark in her room.

[614] She goes to her room.

[615] This is your last chance to guess what this is.

[616] I know what this is because, sorry, Mike is not in the house.

[617] No. Okay.

[618] But you're, but I know what you know.

[619] You think.

[620] Okay.

[621] You know, but you have no idea.

[622] From behind the bedroom door, a man suddenly lurches towards her.

[623] That's right.

[624] It's a hired guy.

[625] Sorry Sorry Susan doesn't recognize his face He's got docker's a blue striped shirt on And a tan baseball hat pulled down over his eyes He has yellow rubber gloves on his hands And is carrying a red and black claw fucking hammer A claw hammer A claw hammer He swings the fucking hammer And his first blow lands on her left temple Okay You hire a hit man And he's like here's how I'm going to do it I'm going to bludgeon her to death.

[626] I mean, I choose to bludgeon a person as opposed to just shoot them and get out of the house.

[627] Horrify.

[628] Yeah.

[629] So using her instincts and her three decades of experience in the ER where Karen, all the ER nurses are trained regularly in self -defense, learning how to slip out of headlocks and clutches.

[630] Wow.

[631] Susan knows instinctively to crowd her attacker not to, like, cower and back off because the blows land.

[632] shittier if she's the closer you are the closer you are that's great i'm not this don't legally i am not telling you to do anything when you get attacked etc yeah um and that would have less force the swings of the hammer if she's not if she's super close to him yeah she fucking screams at him who are you what do you want she's fucking yelling at him but he doesn't answer susan's only five foot four so she's five inches shorter than the man and she's She has two bad knees from repeated injuries and her excessive weight.

[633] As she fucking clearly stated in her.

[634] In her singles bad.

[635] But she outweighed him because he was super skinny.

[636] So she says she slams her body up against his attempts to push him over, but he doesn't fall.

[637] Instead, he pushes Susan against the bedroom wall, then says the only phrase that he ever, he's going to say that night, secretly between you and me the last fucking thing he'll ever say you're strong you're strong and she says that the phrase sends surges of adrenaline through her because she said quote with hearing this phrase she says he's here to kill me she realized at that moment I don't know why I don't know who he is but his intent was clear and those are his last fucking words ever oh Susan pushes him again and says who sent you she wrestles the hammer from him and she fucking swings the claw three or four times into his skull fuck she got the fucking hammer yes um he grabs it back and so susan grabs his throat and says who sent you here squeezing his fucking throat his face turns red and purple and then he goes blue susan freaks out at that moment and let's go and tries to fucking run um she he catches her though as she's running from the bedroom they're in this narrow hallway together he spins her around and punches her splitting her lip oh punches her again and she falls to the floor and when she looks up he's standing over her with the hammer and at that moment she thinks i'm going to die today why'd she let go when his face was blue i mean people don't want to kill people true but fuck i know at least make him pass out oh i mean yeah but like you think close enough right the fact that he was able to get up I guess so I always think I'm smarter than people in death near death situations um so she knows she needs to get the hammer from him so she pulls him to the floor with her so he's standing over her and she fucking pulls him to the ground with her that's brilliant I know she starts to bite him in her mind thinking I know I'm gonna die but I'm gonna fucking leave teeth mark so people know that he like confined him yes so she wrestling on the floor together she bites his arm his flank in his thigh and bites through his fucking zipper to his fucking genitals to his dick they can't write that in the will i'm at probably probably at the same time she's going through his fucking pockets looking for ID so she can like throw his wallet under the bed so like the cops will know who it is Jesus well you know what that er her working in the ER probably prepped her for so many crazy there's no time to panic yeah yeah yeah real clear thinker in horrible situations exactly um she said i was like a downed power line snapping on the pavement how cool is that wow i know the fight at this point had lasted you know how long this fight had gone on how long can you fucking fight for do you think i would give it a good 19 minutes okay never mind it's 14 oh but however that's a lot you're going to say like six hours i can't even do five minutes of cardio without fucking walk up your stairs without being winded exactly yeah all right so we'll edit that out and then i'll say six minutes okay okay great they're both wedged on their sides in the small hallway she throws a leg over his body climbs on top of him hooks her left arm around his neck's neck so she's got him a fucking chokehold w w -wee style says tell me who sent tell me who sent you here and i will call you a fucking ambulance and all he did was growl.

[638] And then she says, when I realized I was not going to ever regain the hammer, it came to me that I need, I needed to become the weapon.

[639] Shit girl.

[640] She says she leans forward, tightens her form against his throat, and he stopped moving.

[641] She grabs the hammer and runs outside to the neighbors.

[642] They call 911.

[643] Here's a quote from the 911 call.

[644] Do you need an ambulance?

[645] They say, do you need an ambulance?

[646] And the neighbor said, no, she's a nurse.

[647] She says, call an ambulance for the guy.

[648] maybe dead.

[649] She's like, I'm fucking fine.

[650] But she is not, she is, she's not adrenaline.

[651] She doesn't know, she doesn't feel like as much of a badass about this as we think of her as a badass.

[652] She's like, freak the fuck out about it.

[653] Of course.

[654] Of course.

[655] I mean, not just that this happened to her, but that she killed the dude.

[656] Right.

[657] Okay.

[658] Well, no, that's, I mean, that's a horrible burden.

[659] Yes.

[660] So the man was fucking dead.

[661] His name's, his name was Edward Haffey.

[662] He was a 59 year old Vietnam veteran, an opt -top she showed he had a near -lethal dose of cocaine in his system when he died.

[663] Relatives and friends told police he'd been raised in an upper -middle -class home and was an avid tennis player.

[664] So something fucking happened and I bet it's cocaine.

[665] Yeah.

[666] He recently lived in a trailer on Northeast Killingsworth Street and had a long rap sheet.

[667] In Susan's basement, they find Ed's backpack and inside is a container of Hershey Syrup.

[668] What?

[669] $200 in cash, diabetes pill, and a daybook and a pay stub.

[670] So court records show that 15 years earlier on February 28th, 1991, this guy, Edward Haffey, arranged the murder of his ex -girlfriend, a 39 -year -old Georgia Lee Dutton.

[671] Weird that my name is Georgia and my sister's nickname is Lee?

[672] Yeah.

[673] Not really.

[674] A little bit?

[675] A touch of weird.

[676] Let's go a little.

[677] Her decomposed body was later found along the umpua.

[678] River near Roseburg.

[679] So I tried to look up details about her murder because I wanted to say some more about her, but I can't find anything at all.

[680] So he had pled guilty to conspiracy to commit aggravated murder in 1994 and spent the next nine years in the Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution and he had been released in November of 2003 for murder.

[681] Oh God.

[682] Okay.

[683] Oh my God.

[684] After he got out, he moved to Portland and in July 2004 was hired by none other than our fucking friend Mike Kuhn Hansen.

[685] The worst last name of all time.

[686] To clean floors at adult, at fantasy adult video.

[687] Oh.

[688] So they were workmates.

[689] They were workmates.

[690] So, which is where the pay stub in his backpack was from.

[691] Oh, okay.

[692] Okay.

[693] And there's also a day book that had an entry that said call Mike for September 4th, 2006, along with Mike's new cell phone number.

[694] So like, not a good murderer.

[695] No one's covering anything.

[696] not a good hitman.

[697] And he got killed instead of.

[698] Well, I mean, the claw hammer is the indicator.

[699] This is not a hitman.

[700] This is like a lunatic.

[701] Yeah, definitely.

[702] So on September 8th, Mike left a suicide note at his father's house saying, all I ever wanted was to be loved.

[703] And every time I had it, I fucked it up.

[704] No, dude.

[705] You're a piece of shit.

[706] Don't feel fucking sorry for yourself.

[707] Yeah, this is not the time for if you've arranged the murder of your ex -wife.

[708] that yeah it's not the time to talk about how hard things are for you right and how bad it is that you fuck things up so then he takes off 10 a m on september 13th a deputy finds mike in the parking garage of a kaiser he's mike says he's checking himself in we don't guyser yeah they won't have they'll have you there for 10 minutes max well for to a psychiatric hold oh sorry whatever talking shit i didn't realize kaiser had any psychiatric uh services available.

[709] Let's go try it.

[710] I will.

[711] Right now.

[712] I will.

[713] So police put him in involuntary psychiatric hold, then they put him under arrest for conspiracy to commit murder.

[714] Obviously, he had a motive.

[715] He had lost his job weeks earlier.

[716] He had no place to live.

[717] Susan had named her brother as a beneficiary and her life insurance policy, which is so smart because she was like, I'm divorced.

[718] Like, she must have had some fucking, yeah, you know.

[719] And Mike knew that, but Susan and Mike had paid off that house and it was worth about $300 ,000.

[720] And it would be, you be all his if Susan died.

[721] So he, Mike claims he has nothing to do with it, but there's no signs of forced entry at Susan's home and the security record showed someone had disabled the alarm while Susan was at work.

[722] Mike later said he had just dropped the note off, but they were, what they were like, you let this fucking killer inside.

[723] And he was like, no, no, I didn't.

[724] Oh, the note was like his cover of like that proves that I was there, but it wasn't my thing.

[725] I was there and I disabled the alarm, but it was so I could leave this note.

[726] And they're like, yeah, but clearly you just fucking let this guy in at the same time.

[727] Yeah, and also if they're getting a divorce or divorced, why would she give a shit if he's going somewhere?

[728] Like, tell me when you get back that you went somewhere.

[729] Right.

[730] No, it's very, it's very stupid.

[731] Yeah.

[732] So blah, blah, blah, all these other little things happen and we know it's him.

[733] The promise was a $50 ,000 payday for the dude who killed her, who got killed.

[734] On August 30th, 2007, Mike pleads guilty to solicituting, soliciting?

[735] Maybe.

[736] Susan's murder.

[737] Okay.

[738] and that so the hit man's aunt writes a letter to Susan in 2010 after all this takes place saying although this was a terrible thing that happened no one in this family has any bad feelings towards you you did what you were forced to do and in doing so you spared many from the same trauma you experienced that's right oh my god that's incredible I know so Susan filed for divorce the day after my arrest.

[739] Oh, they were just separated?

[740] Yeah, they hadn't divorced yet.

[741] Okay, okay.

[742] And by 2014, she had moved to a new Portland home and like a crazy out of the way cul -de -sac.

[743] She said she felt like a, quote, a broken plate glued back together.

[744] Like, she's just, it's so sweet that she's so fucking heartbroken about having to kill someone, even though the person she killed out of self -defense was the person who was sent to murder her.

[745] That person who attempted to murder her.

[746] Yeah, like seriously she's a badass and she's justified as fuck and what an amazing person and we all hope that we would act the same way in such a situation and we're in awe of her that she fucking did that and it it doesn't really feel that way i think when it happens is what this shows us right it's like first that's that's the effect that has on us right as first person especially as a nurse who's like trained to save lives that's her point in life yeah that's exactly right and she's and she understands why people get into the situation where they're like, I'm doing so much coke, I think it's okay to kill someone with the claw hammer.

[747] The worst.

[748] So, um, blah, blah, so she, she's super paranoid at this time.

[749] She says, I'm doing a life sentence for picking a bad husband, which is like, honey, don't put that on you.

[750] Yeah.

[751] We're all broken plates.

[752] That's the thing.

[753] We're all broken plates.

[754] We're all broken plates.

[755] We've never been whole plates.

[756] Yeah.

[757] Maybe right when we were born, but.

[758] Yeah.

[759] Somewhere.

[760] around.

[761] Yeah, I mean, it's different for everybody.

[762] Two, like this podcast?

[763] For me, I would say it was, it really was preteen.

[764] That's when they broke.

[765] I was just like, what the fuck is happening?

[766] Yeah, I see that.

[767] I think when we first, I have memories.

[768] Like, you have a memory because something happens.

[769] True.

[770] You know.

[771] Yeah, that's right.

[772] Yeah.

[773] I think, I mean, five or six, I think for me. But her, yeah, that experience would be.

[774] That's something you really have to work through.

[775] Yes.

[776] So Mike is supposed to be released on September 14th, 2014.

[777] So she's freaking the fuck out.

[778] She puts gravel all around her house so she can hear any footstep.

[779] She practiced shooting at a shooting range.

[780] And she said, if he came here, he was not going to get close enough to hurt me. So can you imagine how terrifying that is?

[781] Yeah.

[782] Then 92 days before his release on Friday the 13th of 2014, Mike died of prostate cancer.

[783] in prison at 65 years old shit yeah so she changed her name is now Susan Walters she continued to work as a nurse until December 2014 and today she's a motivational speaker and provides self -defense expertise for Portland's for Portland Police Bureau's Women's Strength and Girl Strength programs yes and she's a go -to expert on victims fucking rights yeah she's an advocate and focuses on developing a web -based portal for crime victims that portal provides a protected single point for victims to receive updates about their offenders.

[784] So you know, like, the people are like, no one fucking told me he was getting out of prison or today was his fucking parole hearing.

[785] I could have gone to and said what happened.

[786] You know, you can follow that now.

[787] Yeah, that's amazing.

[788] That's so important.

[789] Victims of crime in Mold, oh, God, everyone, Maltanoma, County, is that right?

[790] Yeah.

[791] Can now follow their case, their offenders, and access resources.

[792] through the website.

[793] It's casecompanion .org, and I think every fucking city should have this.

[794] That's incredible.

[795] And she said, Susan says, surviving the event itself is difficult.

[796] Surviving a prolonged and protracted criminal justice journey is also equally hard.

[797] Yeah.

[798] Which we, like, totally, that's amazing.

[799] So she said, being an imperfect woman, I married an imperfect man thinking that we could love, honor, and negotiate and have a good, life together.

[800] But he had issues around abandonment, anger, and anxiety that he couldn't overcome.

[801] She says that she and the family of Mike hopes that he finds the peace he didn't find in this world.

[802] Oh.

[803] And that's the story of badass fucking Susan Kuhnhausen.

[804] Wow, that's amazing.

[805] And there's a survivor, I survived about it.

[806] Yeah.

[807] That's good.

[808] I watch it and it's good, but there's another story in it one of the other two stories that's really fucking depressing which one um it's a girl who's closing up like the store she works in and gets held up and like they never found the person it's just like really and she's so fragile and like clearly like not ready to talk about it yeah there's that show is so good it's so perfectly produced it's so well done but there are i would say about five where i watch and go this person is isn't ready and isn't it's beautiful that they're doing it for themselves because i bet it's a great step for them and for other i'm sure other people listen to it and hear it and see this woman telling the story and they're so empowered by her yeah but she just seemed so fragile and i it was it made me really sad it's also the reality of it yeah it's the reality of it totally is yeah i i i yeah it's so good yeah that show is incredible yeah and then there was a family who's fucking boat like capsized it's always like they were cool too i dipped into a frozen river it's like okay and i feel bad for you but there's a woman who's fighting off a fucking claw hammer we need to get back to her right now can we can we real quick real quick those are always the stories that end first you notice that yeah the boat people the boat capsizes they get rescued and then they're like well god helped me out of the ocean yeah awesome we'll talk to you later Hey, Susan, what did God not help you out of?

[809] Can you tell us?

[810] God helped them out of the ocean.

[811] What did you ever do?

[812] She's like, well, I became an emergency room nurse and fucking nailed some shit to the wall.

[813] Yes, she did.

[814] Oh, it's intense.

[815] Yeah.

[816] Mm -hmm.

[817] Mm -hmm.

[818] Mm -hmm.

[819] All right.

[820] Well, I went a little culty with mine for this week.

[821] Good.

[822] I think because somebody recommended on Twitter and I'm sorry I didn't write your name down because I get very defensive when people recommend British procedurals to me as you know yeah because I'm always like how dare you come to me with a Wallander recommendation we've talked about this a lot but I still like it more what let's talk about it more let's really do a deep dive this is about you but somebody recommended a show called silent witness and it is basically a it's like a law and order in England where there are on iTunes it's season one through four and then season like 17 through 29 like it's been on for it's a procedural it's a procedural and it's basically about the coroner and the medical examiner and who's the silent witness the coroner the coroner medical examiner or maybe the dead body dead body I'm going to need answers anyway it's a cat there's a cat that lives in the corner's office it's the corner's cat like a bodega cat but in the or just is up on a shelf.

[823] Can I just say there's an Instagram called Bodega Cats of Instagram?

[824] Yeah.

[825] And it's made me never want to eat at a bodega again because just the photos, I mean, they're adorable, but Cats assholes on everything in a bodega.

[826] Like any fucking bag of Gardetto's fucking chips you get, a Bada Cat's asshole.

[827] Just do a quick Clorox wipe rinse on the outside of that bag.

[828] I can never lick a bag of Gordettos again.

[829] That's how you pick what flavor you.

[830] want is you lick the outside they taste like what they're supposed to taste like right I got to say that's right the outside tastes like the inside just like people I love fucking New York City bodegas so much as a country girl who we always lived five miles away from anything good yeah when I lived in New York the idea that I could walk down the stairs from my apartment and literally 40 feet to the corner and go in and get a bag of tates they always have tates they always have Herobo gummy bears.

[831] It's a weird, like, brand of ice cream sandwiches.

[832] And the name, the word bodega sounds so cool.

[833] It sounds very much like, hi, I'm an art student.

[834] Um, I sometimes free base Coke, but I also just love to come and get an Italian sub sandwich.

[835] Oh my God.

[836] Okay.

[837] So anyway, I went, I went because I had watched, I think four seasons of silent witness.

[838] And there were some, it's such, it's very dramatically produced.

[839] And there's a lot of like her just standing over a dead body being.

[840] like, you know, the victim is in a, in rigor where you're like, okay, this is very real.

[841] Yeah.

[842] Because it's boring?

[843] It's a touch boring.

[844] They're not afraid to go boring in England.

[845] Because that's what it's really like.

[846] Because it's real.

[847] There's one where it was about a bunch of people who died on a boat.

[848] And then every time, so they were just sitting there waiting at the harbor waiting for the dead bodies to get transported in from the ocean.

[849] And then every time it would, there would just be this terrible horn that would sound.

[850] And I was like, I bet this is what really happens.

[851] This is awful.

[852] Like, this is when I turn it off.

[853] Exactly.

[854] Because you're like, I don't want to experience this.

[855] Maybe it will happen to me someday.

[856] So how about I don't go through it now?

[857] Right.

[858] I don't want to hear, oh, go ahead, in my fucking show that I'm watching.

[859] Why do they keep driving dead bodies up in these jalopies?

[860] It's not funny.

[861] It's not.

[862] I don't appreciate it.

[863] Okay, so anyway, I had a lot of that.

[864] So then I was like, let's take a nice left turn and go into.

[865] into a little cult area.

[866] And I thought about the one that I've always been obsessed with, which is the order of the solar temple.

[867] Oh, my God.

[868] So this was the one where on October 4th, 1994, and this was on, so remember back, 94.

[869] Remember it.

[870] It was on all the news.

[871] I don't remember this.

[872] Okay.

[873] Get ready.

[874] Because you might as, I encourage you to yell out when you remember.

[875] I'm going to.

[876] You don't have to encourage me. Okay.

[877] So October.

[878] 4th, 1994, it's a place called Moran, I'm assuming it's pronounced Moran Heights.

[879] It's a ski resort near Montreal, and authorities are called to the scene of a burning condominium.

[880] And when they get inside, put the fire out, they find two charred dead bodies.

[881] So they look up who owns the condominium and on the, whatever, mortgage papers.

[882] I don't, yeah.

[883] I put owner's docus.

[884] Owners stuff.

[885] Oh, this, the signage page area.

[886] Yeah.

[887] The owners are two men, Joseph de Mambro and Luke Jure.

[888] So they assume that these two charred bodies are the owners.

[889] But then as the investigators make their way through the burned condominium apartment, they find three more bodies in the back, in the back of the house in, like, stacked in a closet.

[890] And those bodies are identified as a man named Tony Dutoyt or Dutois, and his wife, Nikki and their three -month -old son, Christopher Emmanuel.

[891] Are they burned too?

[892] They're burned, but then once the investigators start looking into it, they realize that the front two bodies and the back bodies are all covered in blood.

[893] So before they burned, they were covered in blood.

[894] Oh, my God.

[895] So then they're like, something actually happened here.

[896] Well, then on Tony's body, he was stabbed over 50 times in the back.

[897] Holy shit.

[898] Nikki was stabbed in the chest and like upper body area like six or seven times.

[899] Oh my God.

[900] This is the worst part.

[901] The baby was stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake.

[902] So they're like what the fuck kind of occult shit is going on here?

[903] I have never heard this before.

[904] It's, it's shitty.

[905] Tell me everything.

[906] Okay.

[907] So then they realize that one of the two bodies that they found originally, up in the front of the house, one of them is a woman.

[908] Okay.

[909] So they're like, I don't think this is the owners.

[910] Something insane happened here.

[911] So that they put out arrest warrants for the owners because they had the police discover that all five of these people were members of the order of the solar temple, which was a very secretive sect founded by the two men on the owner's papers, Joseph de Mambro and Luke Jure.

[912] then the police find out that Tony and his wife, Nikki, had recently left the cult after speaking out against these leaders.

[913] And so that's when the cops are like, okay, we got to arrest these guys.

[914] But there are nowhere to be found.

[915] The next day, or it's the same, let's see, it's October 5th in the Swiss village of Syria is how it's pronounced.

[916] There's a farmhouse that's on fire.

[917] and when the firemen in this Swiss village go there and put it out, they find the owner inside.

[918] He's slumped over the kitchen table and there's a plastic bag over his head.

[919] So they think, oh, no, he's an elderly farmer and he's committed suicide.

[920] Then they find a gunshot wound in the back of his head.

[921] And they're like, uh -oh.

[922] So then as they inspect the house, they start finding incendiary devices all.

[923] over the house and and then they start looking in the outbuildings on the property so there's more buildings aside from the farmhouse they start to investigate these buildings they also have these incendiary devices in them and one of them the cop one of the cops observes that the outside of the building is really big but when they go in it's really small there's just a small space and it's like an office that looks really busy it looks like there's people that come there to work every day or whatever but it's compared to the outside they're like they start looking for secret panels and they find one and um basically what happens is an entire section of wall is found to be able to slide back oh my god on the other side of this wall they find a huge secret chamber it's decorated floor to ceiling in red no it has these weird mirrors on every wall that at the top are kind of shaped um a little bit like i don't know what the word is it's like that you know like the top of a turkish turret or whatever where it looks like a hershey's kiss but swoopy fatter yes um anyway it's all like ritualized there's weird um these weird stands uh like lecterns that are gold they're in there and there's um and then they they so basically it's all obviously used for some kind of religious right some straight up color Some culty bullshit.

[924] There's champagne bottles on the ground and in the middle of the floor arranged in a like star formation feet in the center, head to the outside are 18 corpses.

[925] What?

[926] 18.

[927] 18.

[928] They're all wearing either red, gold or black ceremonial capes and some have plastic bags over their heads.

[929] Then they find another.

[930] a second secret room.

[931] There's three more bodies inside that room.

[932] And there's a ton of blood in both rooms.

[933] Oh my God.

[934] So the police basically start putting together.

[935] Can you imagine stumbling upon that?

[936] No, it's a something on a fucking secret hidden room.

[937] Yes.

[938] Like, which is awesome.

[939] The roller coaster of emotions that cop went through where he's like, I'm the one that, hey, I, and then they slide the wall back and it's like, well, here you go.

[940] Yeah, this is what you wanted.

[941] Here's your secret room, friend.

[942] Um, so they realize that this is obviously a ritualized mass suicide, but there's so much blood in the room.

[943] They're like, oh, this wasn't voluntary for a lot of these people.

[944] Um, yeah.

[945] Uh, and most of the people had been killed by gunshot wounds to the head that were not self -inflicted.

[946] So that's how they start putting together that this was.

[947] Yeah.

[948] Perhaps non -voluntary suicide.

[949] Mm -hmm.

[950] Or, as we like to call it, murder.

[951] Okay Non -voluntary The worst kind of suicide Non -voluntary I am a professional psych cop Okay So then two days later A hundred miles away In the Swiss resort village Of Grange Sir Salvan Thank you so much You know it sounds nothing like that Yeah but it sounds better when you said I just I'm trying to sell it like I'm a waitress at a fancy French cafe, right?

[952] Would you like a crock, monsieur?

[953] Or a grand chastricon?

[954] Yeah.

[955] Okay, so which is French for baked onion.

[956] Okay, the fire department is called to now three adjacent chalets that are all on fire.

[957] And inside each, they find eerily similar scenes to the Siri fire.

[958] This time, 25 bodies are discovered.

[959] Oh, my God.

[960] Including three teenagers and four children.

[961] And most of these bodies, these victims have been poisoned.

[962] And they're all identified through dental records to also be members of the Order of the Solar Temple.

[963] And in this situation, only 15 of the 47 were true suicides.

[964] The rest were murders.

[965] So now the search for the co -founders of the Order of the Solar Temple goes international.

[966] So basically this cult was founded by this guy, Joseph de Mambro, who was born in southern France.

[967] He studied to be a clockmaker and a jeweler, but he always had interest in the occult.

[968] And when he was in his 30s, he joined the Rosecutions or the Order of the Rosie Cross.

[969] And it's another, so there's all these secret cults or sects that were, that are based on the Knights Templar.

[970] So the Knights Templar were the knights who went on the first crusades and they came back.

[971] And then they were so dedicated to this spreading of Christianity down into the Middle East that they began to protect.

[972] It was like they vowed to protect all these Christian pilgrims that were going down into the Middle East.

[973] So they basically kind of were out there protecting people.

[974] but they also made a ton of money because of the crusades.

[975] They were just out there, you know, obviously killing and pillaging and doing all their stuff.

[976] So they became very rich.

[977] Then their power, they were so well regarded that they became really powerful.

[978] And of course, then the popes were like, who are these motherfuckers?

[979] We were supposed to be the most powerful.

[980] So then they became hunted.

[981] And then that's when they went underground and it was all secret, secret, secret.

[982] So that's what all these people, and that's kind of like the, like the Dan Brown.

[983] books and stuff where it's all the knights templar this and the knights templar that if the guy if the guy or gal who does uh animate my podcast would animate that part of you telling me explaining to me the crusades because it's i would say i would guess right now yeah and hopefully there's a history professor listening oh yeah i think i probably got that 57 % right i think i would have passed a test but not well right a D plus a D plus which is pretty much my average and now in you it would make you happy now and then press you're like that you're not supposed to be happy about that you're like fucking pass bitch I pass bitch and I never thought I could yeah because I can't read um so definitely let me know all the information I'm missing in the 300 years that the Knights Templar were in action right but essentially it became that thing and we've all seen the Dan Brown what is that book that I can't think of.

[984] The Da Vinci Code.

[985] Thank you, Stephen.

[986] Stephen loves literature.

[987] But it's just this idea that essentially they were protecting Mary Magdalene who was carrying Jesus' baby.

[988] You know, that's like at the end of the day.

[989] That is supposedly the, what do they call that?

[990] The truth.

[991] The Bible.

[992] the christianity what's the cup oh the kiddish cup holy grail thank you the holy grail is jesus baby right it's also called the kiddish cup we had it first oh that's true so don't come at me with a fucking yeah you explain it to me i don't fucking know what's going on anyway this is a religion podcast it's all about secrets they base this whole thing on like secrets hidden treasure hidden money, making sure that they could always kind of get this, the Christianity, where they needed it to go.

[993] Okay.

[994] And have missionaries protected and all that.

[995] So secret societies are like, got to keep it up with the Christians.

[996] Right.

[997] But then as we know, when things are secret, then little power structures come up.

[998] And then suddenly you've got two people that are like, well, I'm in charge of the secret sect.

[999] And now I've decided we're going to do a little something extra.

[1000] We're going to wash everybody's feet in a bucket.

[1001] Right?

[1002] Right.

[1003] We're going to do.

[1004] They start adding their own shit.

[1005] And it's like no longer are you a Knight's Templar.

[1006] Now you're a foot washer.

[1007] Now you're some kind of like I feel like everyone, every woman needs to fuck me before we start this ceremony.

[1008] How many times have I said this?

[1009] Fuck the government.

[1010] And I'll say it again.

[1011] This is not my fucking phrase.

[1012] It's right.

[1013] Ellis fucking knows.

[1014] He's like, I'm sick of you saying that.

[1015] He knows.

[1016] He's so sick of it.

[1017] Okay.

[1018] So.

[1019] Anyhow, I lost my place entirely.

[1020] Okay.

[1021] That's what this podcast is called.

[1022] Where am I?

[1023] Where am I?

[1024] He, in 1973, Joseph de Mambro moves to the Swiss border.

[1025] He starts a group called the Center for the Preparation of the New Age.

[1026] Okay.

[1027] So you know hot stuff is happening in this group.

[1028] Let's get together.

[1029] Let's weave some looms.

[1030] Let's fucking make pottery.

[1031] Sure.

[1032] Let's talk about the Knights Templars.

[1033] What year is this again?

[1034] 73.

[1035] Okay.

[1036] And he begins to tell his followers of the people in the group that he is the reincarnation of the god Osiris and of Moses.

[1037] And then he starts telling them, you're the reincarnation of Napoleon and you're the reincarnation of Cleopatra.

[1038] And everybody's the reincarnation of some famous political leader or royalty of some kind.

[1039] And then he starts telling them he's the one that's going to decide who's having a relationship.

[1040] with who because he's the only one who knows who they were originally were and now we have this chance to breed a master race of children.

[1041] So let's make sure that like Cleopatra has sex with Napoleon or whatever.

[1042] He's making up all this shit and people like, yes, sounds good.

[1043] Everyone's like, yeah, we want a bone.

[1044] Yeah, we want a bone and we want to be dead famous people.

[1045] Right.

[1046] So he basically is like, I'm in charge of who gets married.

[1047] I'm in charge of who gets to have children.

[1048] So it becomes he goes from like, we're a group that gets to.

[1049] together to talk about how grab the Knights Templar are and now it's like I control every aspect of your life, which is how it always goes.

[1050] Even though that's how intense and bizarre it was all these respected citizens and extremely wealthy people join this thing because it's all about the, um, he sells this idea that you, if you give enough money, you can like absorb the spirituality and power of the Knights Templar.

[1051] It's this honorable society and you join it and you're forwarding the Christian.

[1052] movement or what i don't know whatever um so because rich people get bored is really what that means they get bored and they we all want guarantees right so it's like i'm going to give this guy who who claims to be what did he um he also claimed to be the reincarnation of a 14th century night night templar whatever um and then the other guy uh luke jurey he claimed to be the third incarnation of jesus christ he went straight to the top oh man yeah so So basically, people are getting into it.

[1053] And at that time, he changed the name.

[1054] Joseph de Maumbrough in 1978 changes the name to the foundation of the Golden Way.

[1055] He takes a core group of the followers.

[1056] And I was like, we're super into this.

[1057] Let's go start the foundation of the Golden Way.

[1058] And in that group, that's when Luke Jurei shows up.

[1059] He is, Luke Jurei was born in the Belgian Congo.

[1060] He studied to be an actual doctor.

[1061] then he decides he's not into like traditional medicines and he wants to be an alternative healer so then he starts getting really into holistic medicine and really into new age shit and he starts he becomes like a star on the new age circuit he's the one that like in the mid late 70s is out there telling everybody here's how you tap into your inner the god osiris or whatever the fuck it is um when you stop running about gas you don't have to worry about gas prices and fucking having a job and money right because you're wealthy.

[1062] Yeah, don't worry about any of the things that everybody else in Jimmy Carter's America are freaking out about.

[1063] Don't worry about it.

[1064] Yeah, because you have enough money, so come join a cult.

[1065] Come secret sect with us.

[1066] So when they meet, Joe DeMobro knows that this guy, he's like the face man. He's going to be the perfect pitch man for their new cult, which they, in 1984, basically reconfigure.

[1067] Yeah, it's going on for so long.

[1068] They reconfigure and call themselves, the order of the solar temple.

[1069] So that's when Luke Jurey comes into Joe de Mambra's life.

[1070] That's when it all clicks.

[1071] Okay.

[1072] So basically, uh, they, in this group, they have these rituals that are based on ancient Christian and Masonic rights.

[1073] Um, it's all secret.

[1074] So all the members are secret, all that, you know, nobody tells anybody else that they're in this group.

[1075] And at its height, they had lodges in Canada, Australia, Switzerland, and Martinique.

[1076] Um, I mean, I'll join just to fucking go on vacay.

[1077] I mean, right?

[1078] You know?

[1079] Just go to an island and then pretend you're Cleopatra.

[1080] Skiing and shit.

[1081] Skiing and Martinique.

[1082] Great.

[1083] So that was a joke, everybody.

[1084] I know Martinique is a beautiful island.

[1085] So soon, the topic changes.

[1086] And when I say soon, I mean, after seven years, wherever the fuck, these people stay in this weird cult, they start sending this message that an apocalypse is coming.

[1087] It's an environmental apocalypse.

[1088] man has caused it it's man's fault that it's going to happen and only the elite are going to survive it oh great so if you want to be in that group want you kick down all of the money that you have no yeah they they make everybody give them all of their money yeah and it's this insurance so eventually that message becomes um the reason that you should trust us is that uh joe's daughter whose name was Emmanuel.

[1089] She was one of nine existing cosmic children who would lead them all to a planet that was next to the Star Sirius.

[1090] And his son also, Eli, I believe his name was, his destiny, Eli's destiny was to usher in the new age.

[1091] So luckily, the leader of this cult's two children were the key pieces to like get them to.

[1092] So basically the Earth was going to end for environmental reasons and then they were going to travel via the path of fire to a planet that's next to the star series everyone's like it's crazy it's crazy and I want to be like how the fuck but like there's there's the podcast heaven's gate that's like super good that like my sad retelling of the heaven's gate story last week before the podcast came out by the way I just I didn't know about it yet it was good um they like focus on a couple actual cult members and explain how it happened and you kind of get it a little more but it's just so bananas and bonkers i think it comes down to that feeling of like when life is feels really plain all the time yeah and then you get introduced to an idea of you're special and there's more than there's more than this and you're correct everyone else is is going along with their everyday life and they're all lemmings you're special i see how special you are come in do my ritual yeah let me shoot you in i have i have knowledge Yeah.

[1093] And that I will impart on to you.

[1094] Yes.

[1095] Listen, I'm starting a call right now.

[1096] Yeah, I mean, I'm believing Are you in here?

[1097] Are you the God of Cyrus?

[1098] I have Elvis sitting on my lap staring at me. She is petting a cat in a kind of evil cult -like way.

[1099] Yep.

[1100] Okay.

[1101] I just uncross his eyes.

[1102] It's a miracle.

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] She's real.

[1105] Yeah.

[1106] So, okay, so basically, this is this, that talk goes on so long that, of course, nothing ends up happening.

[1107] And, and, and, and, and, the members are like, yeah, okay, you've been talking about this apocalypse for a while, nothing's going on and I've given you like millions of dollars.

[1108] Make the apocalypse happen.

[1109] Yeah, I want, I want everyone else to die.

[1110] I want to see what you're talking about.

[1111] I want these things to happen.

[1112] Well, also, meanwhile, they started getting, of course, super crazy with their power.

[1113] They were buying houses everywhere.

[1114] They had everybody's money.

[1115] So they're out like they've got houses here and, you know, as you saw, chalais and condos in every city.

[1116] They're hiding fucking rooms.

[1117] they've got they can build things that look like small rooms but that are actually big rooms it's crazy um and so the members are like yeah you seem to be getting a lot of stuff but like all of our you know it's on our dime yeah um so uh then luke jurey is voted out as grandmaster of the canadian branch of the temple of the soul how mad is he because he starts to demand that women that one woman has sex with him before every ritual for his to build strength.

[1118] And everyone's like, okay.

[1119] But he, he's getting, everyone's starting, he's like, all the members are like, you're losing your shit and it's obvious and it's creepy.

[1120] So then he gets voted out.

[1121] Well, then Joe de Mambro is just like, wait, no, it's our cult.

[1122] Like you can't get voted out.

[1123] What are you doing?

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] This isn't a fucking fantasy island or whatever.

[1126] Yeah, you mean survivor?

[1127] Yes.

[1128] You knew.

[1129] Just as a bit of information, Luke Jurei, it shouldn't be a surprise that he lost his shit because before joining the Order of the Solar Temple, he had belonged to a racist, neo -Nazi magical organization, co -founded by a former Gestapo officer named Julian Oregis.

[1130] And he was also an illegal arms dealer.

[1131] So he wasn't a great, like he wasn't a Knights Templar.

[1132] Do a little background check, rich people.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] Are you a good guy?

[1135] Can you ride a horse?

[1136] Are you an arms dealer?

[1137] These things should disqualify you.

[1138] So then, this is all building, right?

[1139] So they're like slightly losing control.

[1140] It's like, no, no, focus on my cosmic daughter or whatever.

[1141] Then in February of 1993, it's the 54 day siege of Waco.

[1142] Oh, shit.

[1143] Right?

[1144] So on all of our TVs, we all saw the Branch Davidians and David Koresh and everything.

[1145] We saw that whole thing go up in flames.

[1146] Is that going to be a podcast soon or a TV show?

[1147] Like a...

[1148] I think it's a TV show.

[1149] Like a documentary.

[1150] I think it's one of those American crimes or something, right?

[1151] Like an experience?

[1152] American dad?

[1153] Oh, that would be fun.

[1154] Just the longest American dad of all time.

[1155] He works for the CIA.

[1156] So, okay.

[1157] So after that happens, and everybody, watched it on TV and everyone's like oh no more cults for me exactly I think I've had enough which is the funniest thing in the world to me where they're like oh this is where we're headed we're not we're not actually headed to a planet next to the star serious no we're just going to burn government style right fuck the government listen it's the government okay so please please don't hurt me government that won't work so this is my favorite part so as all of this is right it's crumbling it's crumbling our millions you know people are walking away our secret and they really did have they had millionaires they had scientists they had famous architects there was people in this cult very high level people a very famous Swiss composer so it's like a bunch of smarty pants smarty pants and richies smart and richy fucking asshole I mean the whole place smelled like fucking aftershave so what am you saying so okay then they discover that so our friends And Tony Dutois, I don't remember how I pronounced it, the man who was found stabbed 50 times in the apartment in Canada.

[1158] With his wife and baby.

[1159] And his wife and baby.

[1160] Okay.

[1161] So it turns out he was a longtime member of the Order of the Solar Temple.

[1162] And he discovered, so they would have these rights and rituals.

[1163] And when Joe D 'Ambrough did them, he could make things fly.

[1164] He could make things like appear out of nowhere.

[1165] there's all these weird things he did that made people believe that he was special and had special powers well it turns out tony um dutois discovers that he was using lasers and holograms no and he was back in 90 i'm impressed by that in 94 yeah even earlier yeah he he basically set it up so the whole thing was like special effects and fog and light show or whatever and made people believe it was his power and he was spending he was spending their money a ton money because a hologram back then was very expensive.

[1166] It's basically like a Coachella fucking DJ set.

[1167] Yeah, but just him and 12 people.

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] In robes.

[1170] Tony finds out about this and starts going, you guys, this is super fake, this is the whole thing as a fraud, to the point where and so much distrust and disillusion was going through the whole cult down to Joe de Mambro's own children who are like, our dad's a fraud.

[1171] Like everybody was starting to bail.

[1172] I am not a space cadet.

[1173] My dad is lying.

[1174] I can't lead you to that planet.

[1175] No. But that's my favorite that it was like the straw that broke the camel's back was that his holograms and lasers were discovered.

[1176] So then everyone's just bailing like crazy.

[1177] Okay.

[1178] So then he, so basically Tony tells everybody and then like gets out of town.

[1179] So Joe de Mambro announced to the remaining members that the Dutois' three -month -old son was the Antichrist and needed to be assassinated.

[1180] Oh, no!

[1181] Yes, that's so the two bodies that were in that condo from the beginning of this story turned out to be 35 -year -old Jerry Jeannot and 60 -year -old Colette Jeannot.

[1182] They murdered the Dutois, murdered that baby, and then committed suicide.

[1183] and lit that apartment on fire with the incendiary device that was like all the incendiary devices in Switzerland, yes.

[1184] So what awful, awful people.

[1185] So crazy.

[1186] And then like once they knew that was happening, they know it's over.

[1187] So they announced to the rest of the membership that the apocalypse has arrived and it's time for all of them to travel to the planet next to the star serious.

[1188] Let's go.

[1189] So it's mass suicide time.

[1190] And because they were saying the transformation takes place in fire, that's why all those incendiary devices.

[1191] That's where all the buildings were burning.

[1192] So what were the incendiary devices made out of?

[1193] Do you know?

[1194] I don't.

[1195] But in my mind, it looks like a light switch with the plate off the front.

[1196] Yeah.

[1197] And like there's a little thing tied to this thing and a little.

[1198] And then a mouse chews the rope.

[1199] Yes.

[1200] Right?

[1201] And then boom.

[1202] Yeah.

[1203] But the mouse survives.

[1204] That's right.

[1205] is fine the mouse is innocent and then a cat swoops down and eats the mouse um yay so it was at that farmhouse from the beginning in syri uh where joe de mambro and luke jurey met their end along with 21 other members so they were okay they were in syri um then okay so that was basically the reason that it's so amazing to me is because i remember very distinctly when i saw it on the news they were so vague.

[1206] And it's still, you can barely get any good information about never heard of this.

[1207] What was really happening.

[1208] But I remember seeing it on the news and being like, I want to know more.

[1209] Yeah.

[1210] And all you ever heard was, so then again, in 1995, in Grenoble, they find 16 bodies out in the forest.

[1211] What?

[1212] Uh -huh.

[1213] In an area they called hell's entrance or hell's hole or something, which is super creepy.

[1214] and the creep that you can see a picture online it's a forest there's police tape it looks like it's from like a helicopter there's police tape and then it just looks like there's a weird orange light it's super creepy i have never i i fucking google weird murders weird deaths weird what the fuck you know all the time and i've never heard of this fold some knights templar in there fold in cult okay fold in well so in that forest there were 16 bodies and this is a year later then two years after After that, in Quebec, in March of 97, five people are found dead, and at the last minute, three children who were supposed to also die, convinced their parents, who ended up dead, convinced their parents that they wanted to live, and their parents let them go.

[1215] So three kids escaped.

[1216] I want to interview them.

[1217] Right?

[1218] What's the, why?

[1219] They're still killing themselves, even though it's over?

[1220] Yes.

[1221] Two years later.

[1222] Like, by, who?

[1223] Like, why?

[1224] So crazy.

[1225] Or three years later.

[1226] So the total number of deaths in the order of the Solar Temple is 74.

[1227] Jesus.

[1228] And their members included scientists, architects, policemen, and children.

[1229] And the group had between four and six hundred members.

[1230] It's estimated to have made, in its prime, $93 million.

[1231] Oh, shit.

[1232] And in the Grenoble scene where, in, in a, 1995, where they found 16 bodies, the wife of famous champion skier Jean Varnay, who is the inventor of the awesome 80s sunglasses, his wife, Edith, and their youngest son Patrick were among the 16 victims.

[1233] So they couldn't have been richer.

[1234] Those people, they had, Varne in the 80s was like, you couldn't be richer.

[1235] Are they the ones with the swoopy thing here, the weird thing here?

[1236] No, Varnets were like the kind of the original ski sunglasses, so they were mirrored, and they were like kind of plasticy.

[1237] Yeah, every, every douche fucking skier.

[1238] Yep, instructor has this.

[1239] Rich guys.

[1240] We went skiing the first time we went to Tahoe when I was eight, they made us take ski lessons.

[1241] And my sister had a pair of varnas on.

[1242] And I, instead of listening to the ski instructor, just kept staring at myself in the mirrored reflection of my sister sunglasses.

[1243] So I didn't listen to how to stop or what to do.

[1244] And so basically, we went down one run.

[1245] And I was like, I need to take these off.

[1246] I'm leaving.

[1247] I'm not doing this.

[1248] I don't know what's going on.

[1249] And then we just played in the snow all day.

[1250] Exactly.

[1251] Here's a more interesting one.

[1252] Channel 4, the British TV station, they made a documentary alleging that Grace Kelly, the princess of Monica, was also initiated into the order of the Solar Temple just months before her car accident that took her life.

[1253] Yeah, she was in a car accident.

[1254] Some say she was not in that car.

[1255] Some say the body was never found.

[1256] But Her estate denies any association with the Order of the Solar Temple, but the filmmakers who made this documentary for Channel 4 talked to the acupuncturist who worked on Princess Grace before her orientation or not orientation ceremony because apparently they did acupuncture to relax people so that they weren't freaked out, I guess.

[1257] And that woman attested to the fact that it was Princess Grace but didn't want to give her name or information because she's scared because she says that the order of the solar temple is still in effect today, still has members, and she's scared of those members coming to retaliate against her.

[1258] Like they're hiding out in plain sight.

[1259] Steven!

[1260] And so the very last thing is when Princess Grace's car crashed in Monaco, her car landed in the yard of a member of the Order of the Solar Temple.

[1261] The end, Karen.

[1262] Yeah.

[1263] That was good.

[1264] That was a good one, right?

[1265] That was a really good one.

[1266] Shit, dude.

[1267] I know.

[1268] I want to know everything.

[1269] I want to know what these people talked about.

[1270] There's photos.

[1271] Are there pictures?

[1272] Yes.

[1273] There's pictures of, and it's all, the faces are blacked out.

[1274] There's black bars across the eyes of, like, an actual ritual.

[1275] But then there's the empty room where they found the bodies.

[1276] I know.

[1277] The ones I saw.

[1278] it was just the room without the bodies lying in it, but then you can also see there's like graphs of how they laid out the bodies in star formation.

[1279] I want that, I want that.

[1280] Yeah.

[1281] And I think the one, the people that killed themselves last in 1997 in Canada were laid out in a crucifix formation.

[1282] So the people who, who unintentional suicide, those people, did they ever figure out if they like were just like, kill me or they were like held hostage or because like I could see people like, I don't want to kill myself, but just shoot me in the back of the head.

[1283] Yeah, I think what they were saying is the theory is that it wasn't, they were like, I don't want to do this.

[1284] It was like, they went there for other reasons.

[1285] Some of them think they were drugged or poisoned, but then it was, then they fought them, because there was so much blood that it wasn't just like putting people down in an orderly fashion.

[1286] There was like, it was a real bloody crime scene.

[1287] So they think it was, that's what led them to believe it was the against, against your will suicide.

[1288] That's crazy.

[1289] It's fucking nuts.

[1290] Man, alive.

[1291] Secret cults.

[1292] Secret cults.

[1293] Where is the treasure?

[1294] There's treasure?

[1295] Treasure.

[1296] Oh, yeah, the Knights Templar.

[1297] They supposedly, that's like Nick Cage style.

[1298] They supposedly have...

[1299] Oh, is that what that is?

[1300] Yeah, because they went and pillaged everything down in, like, the Holy Land.

[1301] They stole all the shit.

[1302] They stole the shit from the fucking Jewish people.

[1303] What's up?

[1304] That's right.

[1305] That's right.

[1306] Chosen ones.

[1307] So, it's not.

[1308] It's your birthright to go and find those gold abloons and take them back.

[1309] Let's do it.

[1310] I would love to.

[1311] Let's go on an adventure.

[1312] Okay.

[1313] That was amazing.

[1314] Thank you.

[1315] Thank you for that.

[1316] Absolutely.

[1317] Love a cult.

[1318] What do we, well, we've come to the end, my friends.

[1319] Oh, yeah.

[1320] Do you have a fun thing for this week?

[1321] The thing that made me happy?

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] No, do you?

[1324] well I do actually okay great maybe it'll inspire me okay good but this is a it's a repeat of one I've done before but it's in kind of an update and it's very exciting because my favorite band and now many other people's favorite band sure sure finally came out with an album it's self -titled it says sure sure you can get it on Spotify you can get it on iTunes and it is so goddamn good it's all that's like single releases that they had before and then a bunch of new songs I've never heard before that are so beautiful and it's just great.

[1325] I just got it and I love it.

[1326] So, well, if we're going to do, let's, this will be the music, uh, perfect thing.

[1327] Vince got us tickets.

[1328] So Vince surprised me with tickets to go see the band Jawbreaker.

[1329] Nice.

[1330] Which I'm like, super excited to go see them.

[1331] I've never, I've never seen them play.

[1332] I've been in love with them forever.

[1333] Great old band.

[1334] Everyone go listen.

[1335] Um, but it's also, I love that Vince does shit.

[1336] like that and it's really sweet and like I would never go see music or anything live Vince is like into that shit yeah so like he does it and then I'm like what don't I do this more I know yeah so it's nice to call you have friends like me that are like um I'm tired well you know I'm not gonna go that night like that night I'm gonna be sick like I am every night but it's sweet that he did it it's so good oh wait so it's future you haven't done it yet yeah I haven't done it yet he just bought tickets to go see Jobbreaker that's awesome and you know 20 something year old Georgia's like you put it on on the radio today and I got really excited yes that's exciting yeah um all right thanks for listening you guys guys thanks for once again going through that with us we have had it up to here with not going through this with you because we love it so much it's very fun um it's a very fun job and on our on our two year anniversary thank you guys so much thank you so much we're so fucking lucky this is the best ever it's crazy lucky wonderful yeah uh thanks thanks everybody thanks stephen thanks stephen we'll thank you more in may six months yeah when you earn it when you've earned it when you've bucking been through the shit like we have the real shit when you finally fuck the government the way we need you to Elvis knows he's been here from the fucking beginning he was he was here before us yeah he'll be here after us he will remain after we have gone yep that it And that's it.

[1337] All right.

[1338] Well, then stay sexy.

[1339] And don't get murdered.

[1340] Bye.

[1341] Elvis?

[1342] Want cookie?

[1343] Yeah.