Calm Parenting Podcast XX
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[24] So this really cool thing is starting to happen where I'm working with a lot of guys.
[25] are kind of initiating this.
[26] I know it's coming from the wives, but I'm starting to mentor them and coach them through a lot of these different situations.
[27] And it's evolving into like, hey, could you talk to my wife about this?
[28] And the wife's like, could you talk to my husband about this?
[29] And I was like, maybe it'd be really good if you two talk together.
[30] But sometimes it's helpful to have someone from the outside who kind of gets how difficult the kids are, how this dynamic works.
[31] But what I'm loving is that the guys are really taking a hold of this, right?
[32] And it's really changing things.
[33] So one of the things a lot of guys struggle with is just how to have relationships.
[34] Like we're good at working, you know, we can work our butts off.
[35] I can fix things around the house.
[36] But having a relationship with a, especially with a more challenging child or with another human being for those of you who are engineers out there, right?
[37] Or those of you, they're kind of on the spectrum yourself, it's hard.
[38] It doesn't come natural to you.
[39] So I wanted to share with you something that I hope you can share with maybe your spouse or if you're a guy listening, I hope this helps you.
[40] So this is kind of a bonus episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.
[41] For those who don't know, I'm Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm .com.
[42] Find us to Celebrate Calm .com.
[43] If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C -A -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.
[44] We'll be glad to help you out.
[45] So I'm doing a lot of this mentoring now with people.
[46] And so I was talking to this dad, and he's like, I don't know how to relate to my 13 -year -old daughter.
[47] Now, this could be with a younger kid.
[48] It could be with a boy.
[49] It doesn't matter.
[50] But here's the process I went through in a very specific example, because one thing I found is that guys really like very specific examples.
[51] Like, tell me exactly what to do and say, and I'll go do it.
[52] Because just saying, oh, you know, you need to connect with your child more.
[53] It's too generic.
[54] I don't even know what that means.
[55] So this is a guy.
[56] with a 13 -year -old daughter, and this is basically the plan that I told him.
[57] Overall things, you have to take an interest in your child's world.
[58] You have to be curious.
[59] Ask questions.
[60] Now, when you're being curious and asking questions, don't be creepy and don't interrogate your kids.
[61] There's a difference because being curious is just asking questions like, honey, I'm just curious, why are you guys doing that?
[62] What do you get out of that?
[63] Why do you find that valuable when you're listening to that music?
[64] like, what do you like about it?
[65] What's the story behind this song?
[66] That artist that you like so much.
[67] What's their life story?
[68] What is it that draws you?
[69] Not like, why are you listening to that stuff?
[70] None of that harsh accusational interrogation that sometimes we do.
[71] And I'm going to mention this many times you have to take an interest in their world.
[72] And let's just establish this.
[73] If you have a child, here's the thing.
[74] Their world tends to be childish.
[75] Their world is.
[76] inane and stupid to you.
[77] I get that, right?
[78] The world of a 13 -year -old boy or girl.
[79] It's not like it's going to be like, Dad, you know, I was reading Dostoevsky and I have these deep thoughts and I'm just wondering.
[80] Now, some of your kids are actually really deep.
[81] And if you can gain that trust, you'll have amazing, very thoughtful conversations with these kids.
[82] But on the surface right now, they're 13.
[83] They're watching TikTok videos.
[84] Am I saying you have to go watch TikTok videos with them?
[85] Yeah, because that's their world.
[86] And instead of, I don't understand this is stupid.
[87] I don't know why you're wasting time with this.
[88] You should be out.
[89] Well, if you want to cut off your relationship with your child, then keep doing that stuff.
[90] So let's say that your daughter likes smoothies and craft type stuff.
[91] So go out and buy a $35 gift card to Michael's Arts and Crafts.
[92] right don't get her a $10 one and be a cheap you know what but you also don't have to go out buy $300 worth of stuff 35's kind of a nice number so you get this gift card right and maybe you leave the card for her in her backpack under her pillow as a special little gift why because it's fun getting gifts and we forget to do those things and as kids get older they don't get gifts like this just out of the blue so you leave her gift card and you text her or tell her say hey one afternoon or evening when you've got time let's grab a smoothie and go to Michaels we can use your gift card so first stop is the smoothie shop so you each get a smoothie but here's what I don't want you to do dads don't tell her which of the smoothies is better for her and more nutritious that has more protein that has antioxidants to help with her skin that isn't so good right and don't get all like let's not get a large because we're going to be eating dinner in two hours just stop it go get a smoothie right ask her why she likes her particular smoothie so much hey what is it about that one you like and then here's a really cool thing to do ask your daughter or if you're going with your son to pick out which smoothie you should get kids love doing that stuff they have very little ownership of their lives just think from the time they get up in the morning someone is telling them what to do what to eat when to eat where to go to school what classes to go to go to each teacher is telling them what to do how to line up what they have to do after school in the evening with homework they get home they start to get lectured there literally everything they do is an adult telling them what to do and here you are saying hey which one do you think I should get.
[93] And I'm just going to, look, just get the one that she wants you to get.
[94] Don't be such a jerk, right?
[95] Like I'm saying this in a sweet, it's sweet, but it's also true of like, don't be a jerk.
[96] If she picks one out, look, it doesn't mean you have to get that one, but just roll with it.
[97] You're building a relationship.
[98] And even if you don't like that smoothie, lie and say, wow, this is really good.
[99] That was a good choice.
[100] and watch your daughter's face shine a little bit instead of cringing all the time waiting for the negative comments to come.
[101] So you're driving along.
[102] You're drinking your smoothies and you get to Michael's or maybe one week at Sephora or Alta Beauty Supply.
[103] When you get into Michaels, don't direct her to where you want her to go.
[104] Let her lead this.
[105] Don't check your phone or your watch, right?
[106] Because this is going to be boring for a lot of you.
[107] And I'm not denying that.
[108] That entering into a seven -year -old's world, a four -year -old's world, a 14 -year -old's world, it's not that interesting, but it's their world.
[109] And if you want to put all them out of it, you have to enter in and you enter in on their terms.
[110] So I don't want you walking around and your daughter's looking all kinds of things and you're checking your phone.
[111] or your watch because that says you're not interested and that you care about something else more than you care about this time with your daughter.
[112] And look, I'm just honest, I don't care who you are.
[113] You're not that important.
[114] Now look, if you've got a, if your wife's in the hospital dying, well, you shouldn't be at Michael's anyway, but you're not that important.
[115] Put your phone away so that you can be thoroughly engaged in this store.
[116] And don't walk around.
[117] Remember, your budget's $35, not a penny over.
[118] it's your daughter don't sabotage this so i'm going to be real with you i was doing this mentoring with this guy he's got a daughter he called me he's like ah my daughter gets out of bed on saturday morning she slept in she walks downstairs she turns the tv on and then she laid on the couch couldn't she at least be sitting up and watching tv she just got out of bed and what i told him was now you're just being an a -hole right because you are when you do that stuff.
[119] Instead, why don't you lie down on the floor next to the sofa and ask, hey, honey, what's this show about?
[120] Why do you like it so much?
[121] Do all the other kids watch this?
[122] Who's your favorite character?
[123] Now, don't ask them all at once, right?
[124] But take an interest.
[125] Her world is very different from yours.
[126] Your daughter is 13.
[127] You're 35 or 45.
[128] Chill.
[129] but the sad part of that story is that that nice dad you know what to be honest he was I would like to say he is a nice dad but he's not he ruined his relationship with this daughter and when he had an opportunity to do simple things like this he wouldn't do it you know what's going to happen if you sabotage that that daughter will check out on you you will not be part of your world and then you'll feel all disrespected because your daughter walks by and doesn't talk to you.
[130] Well, sometimes you created that yourself.
[131] And then you know what else has happened?
[132] It's going to happen.
[133] Your wife's not going to relate to you well because she had to, she bore this daughter in her womb or adopted this daughter and has so much emotional investment in this relationship.
[134] And you couldn't do a simple thing.
[135] And you had to be like, well, why can't she sit up and watch that?
[136] Why do you have to do that?
[137] Stop being that old school, well, my dad treated it like this and we turned out okay.
[138] Well, maybe, but maybe you turned out okay despite what he did.
[139] And let me talk to your wife and kids and see if you actually turned out that well with relationships.
[140] Right.
[141] I was going to say, I don't mean to be too tough on you, but I do because I care about you and I care about the relationships in your life because nobody gives a rip what you do for a living.
[142] They don't.
[143] You care, but literally nobody else cares.
[144] All a 13 -year -old, a 3 -year -old, a 17 -year -old, a 9 -year -old cares about is, does my dad, does my mom like me?
[145] It's not about loving your child.
[146] Every parent loves their child, but that's kind of generic.
[147] Well, if you don't, then you're a horrible human.
[148] But you actually like your child.
[149] Do you take time to be interested in things they're interested in.
[150] So you walk through Michaels and she goes to a section with beads and it's lame and boring and you don't care about stupid beads.
[151] But she does and that's what matters.
[152] Look, I nearly ruined my relationship with our son.
[153] The first nine years of his life, I just tried to fix him.
[154] I thought he was the issue till I finally learned the only person I can control life is myself and when I start working on controlling myself and fixing myself, that's when our relationship changed and I had to rebuild that relationship.
[155] You know what I did every Saturday morning?
[156] This was week after week, year after year.
[157] We visited a different car dealership in our region, not in our town, in our region, because we ran out of places to go.
[158] Because, you know what we do?
[159] We would go and test drive different cars.
[160] Why?
[161] Because my son was obsessed with cars.
[162] Many of you have these kids.
[163] They're outside and they hear a car and they know, oh, that's a 19 -7, That's a 2022.
[164] They know that stuff.
[165] I'm not a car guy.
[166] I didn't care.
[167] I hated going to car dealerships.
[168] Hey, we're interested in a car.
[169] Can we take a test drive?
[170] But it was Casey's passion.
[171] And we bonded over it.
[172] And I will tell you many, many, many years later, he told me this.
[173] He said, Dad, I know that wasn't your thing.
[174] You grew up a sports guy.
[175] And you wanted to take me to baseball games and all these things I wasn't interested in.
[176] But you took an interest in what I was.
[177] was interested in and I will always, always remember those Saturday mornings as a special time.
[178] And by the way, we had some awesome times.
[179] Guess what came up while we were out for the day?
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[193] You get tired.
[194] The walls come down.
[195] They become vulnerable and they open up and talk to you.
[196] You can't just go and say, okay, I've got 30 minutes.
[197] You want to bear your soul?
[198] no it takes time but case you would end up opening up on those days and by the way it was basically free right we'd have lunch out but this doesn't have to cost a lot of money it's just time so you're back and michael's you're looking at the beads she's touching and feeling them again no glancing little looks at your phone no redirecting her to the beads that are on sale instead you're curious man you know what honey you're so curious what do you what do you think about making with the beads and she says well i've got some old sneakers and i thought i'd um bling them up with a little bit of some different beads now look no correcting her don't kill her dream okay no telling that's not practical encourage her see maybe turn that into a little business right or just something you do with your friends you're patient you're listening you're holding things for her you're generous just do that and maybe when you're there you say you're something like this and I'd love this.
[199] Hey honey, you know what?
[200] I need a new picture frame where I can put some pictures of you guys at the office.
[201] Could you help me pick one out?
[202] There's something very magical about this.
[203] You're getting your child to help you, right?
[204] And here's a cool one.
[205] If you go to Alta Beauty Supply because they're in most suburbs, let your daughter pick out an exfoliating thing for your skin or maybe a different sense.
[206] aftershave that she likes the smell of and every morning she'll smell that and know that she picked it out for you it's something you bond over kids love teaching their parents something they like showing them things especially in the teen years things start to switch right when your when your kids are little you're showing and teaching and showing and teaching and lecturing doing all those things when they get older you can reverse that around a little bit and I always encouraged dad just say like enjoy her enjoy enjoy enjoy your daughter enjoy your son stop being her parent and just be her dad because you only get a few shots at this before your child shuts down and shuts you out and so now you're on the way home guess what you get to do listen to her talk i can promise you when you put that time in they will begin to feel safe and comfortable and they'll start to opening up and they're going to open up about stuff don't correct don't pull out your stupid dad stuff right in your old lectures listen ask questions and when you get home say honey you know what thanks for let me do that with you i wish i was more creative like you and that's how you do it and then next week you go to seforra or you get pizza with her friends see kids are starved for people to be interested in their lives that's how you build relationships.
[207] It helps so much when Casey was young.
[208] I was active with his friends and I wasn't just the Uber Dead always lecturing them.
[209] I was asking them questions and being interested in their lives.
[210] He is 30 now.
[211] He's still, this is one of the coolest things.
[212] This is happening in a couple weeks.
[213] His friends are in their early 30s, late 20s.
[214] And I've built a relationship with them.
[215] Why?
[216] Because I ask him what it's like to.
[217] be a millennial.
[218] What's it like living in this era?
[219] I don't walk around just telling them like all my life lessons.
[220] Now eventually they ask me because I put the time in and one of his best friends who was from Germany is getting married and guess what?
[221] I got an invitation to my son's friend's wedding.
[222] Why?
[223] Because he said, I want your dad there.
[224] That's cool.
[225] I'm not, I hope that, I don't want that sound self -congratulatory.
[226] What I want it to sound like is a vision for you.
[227] of having these kind of connections with your kids and keeping that connection i tell you so this weekend uh casey my son is taking me for driving me four hours there's some special event he didn't tell me what it is but my birthday's coming up and he said block off your calendar for this weekend i'm taking you to a special event and he is going to take me there pay for the hotel pay for the food i'm making sure that we're going to a really expensive steak restaurant and he's paying for Gat, he's paying for it all.
[228] That's the kind of connection you're looking for.
[229] And it just takes some time and holding your tongue about all the negative things.
[230] Enjoy that with them.
[231] Stop trying to get everybody to listen to you and instead listen to the end, listen to them.
[232] And in the end, they will want to hear what you have to say.
[233] So for right now, connect with your kids.
[234] That connection will change attitudes and behavior more quickly than anything else in your home.
[235] consequences as you have found out strong will kids don't care about consequences but i can tell you that connection will change these kids and it's a beautiful thing look if you are if do this if you want my help with it you go to celebrate calm and look up call kirk and there's a couple packages there that you can do with me and i had this one guy i'll close up i'm keeping this under 20 minutes this is just funny this is a northeastern guy long island guy and he's like so so i'm going to pay you to teach me how to be a debt.
[236] And I was like, you don't have to pay me. Nobody's twisting your arm.
[237] And he goes, well, it's either that or I'm probably going to get a divorce.
[238] And I was like, well, I think the phone consultation is probably a better choice.
[239] But the cool thing is we're digging in as we do this.
[240] We're digging into deeper things with guys, right?
[241] A lot of the guys that I'm working with, Dr. CEOs, other people, and even people that aren't in those kind of realms, they're dad issues there like I had, right?
[242] And I have.
[243] And I have.
[244] They're dad issues there of always trying to please my dad.
[245] So I'm working too hard and I'm really good at working and doing that, but I kind of withdraw.
[246] I just came up with a plan with a guy.
[247] This is really, really cool.
[248] I'll try to share this quickly of I'll leave you with this one.
[249] His wife says he's kind of like a robot.
[250] So I said, here's what I want you to do this week.
[251] Walk into a room and say, honey, I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed or I'm feeling like clueless.
[252] I don't know what to do with our son right now.
[253] And I just want to withdraw.
[254] Can you help me?
[255] to know what to do.
[256] Guys, if you walk in and you have some vulnerability like that, I know it sounds funny.
[257] It's going to feel awkward when I first started doing it.
[258] It was like, honey, I'm feeling a little anxious, right?
[259] It's awkward.
[260] It's not a lateral language, but if you start doing that with people, you will build deeper relationships.
[261] It will change your family.
[262] It's really cool.
[263] So, thanks for listening to this podcast.
[264] Please share it.
[265] And if we can help you on any way, just reach out to us, Casey at Celebrate Calm .com.
[266] Talk to you later.
[267] Love you guys.
[268] Bye.