Armchair Anonymous: Coitus Interruptus

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dachshepard.

[5] I'm joined by the Duchess of Duluth.

[6] Hi there.

[7] And, oh, Aaron, what could be Aaron's regional title?

[8] Hmm.

[9] The mistress of Milford?

[10] The Mistress of Milford Yeah, that's still got a good ring to it What people might not know And this absolutely absurd is where do you live now?

[11] Beverly Hills Do you know that, Monica?

[12] Yes, yes, it's embarrassing.

[13] I hate it.

[14] I'm so embarrassed, but yeah.

[15] And it's a great community.

[16] It's a bummer that that's the name.

[17] Beverly Hills, Michigan, to be cleared to everyone.

[18] Yes, yes, yes, of course.

[19] Let's make it abundantly clear Beverly Hills, Michigan.

[20] Because sometimes Ruthie will tag and I'm like, oh, they're here.

[21] Like, I always get confused.

[22] Like, oh, my God, they're here.

[23] And then I realize.

[24] Yeah.

[25] But it is a great community.

[26] And it's right next door to Tokyo, Michigan, which is also a really good little town.

[27] Wait, are you lying?

[28] And it's just south of London, Michigan.

[29] Oh, okay.

[30] He's lying.

[31] But that's how preposterous it is.

[32] Beverly Hills, Michigan.

[33] Yeah, on the outskirts of Los Angeles, Michigan.

[34] Colorado, USA.

[35] This was a fun episode.

[36] this is the Coitus Interruptus episode, the most awkward moment when you were interrupted mid -coitus.

[37] It's fascinating.

[38] I want to be on all of these episodes.

[39] You should be.

[40] Have you ever been interrupted during Coitus?

[41] Yeah.

[42] Yeah, recently.

[43] Oh, wow, recently.

[44] Yeah.

[45] So your children?

[46] Oh, no. Oh, dogs.

[47] Yeah.

[48] But it's something.

[49] It's aggressive.

[50] Yeah, it gets a little awkward.

[51] Are they trying to join in?

[52] Are my supposed to live?

[53] let him join in.

[54] Sure, sure.

[55] And then I kind of wouldn't mind, but Ruthie would.

[56] I do remember that Lola would always try to be involved.

[57] Like all of a sudden she'd get up on the bed and she'd be right close to the action.

[58] And you're trying to decide, is she just a dog that doesn't know what's going on?

[59] Or is she homed up?

[60] Yeah, sure.

[61] Because it's palpable to her sense of smell or something.

[62] I don't know.

[63] Oh, the smell.

[64] Well, that is probably what it is.

[65] And you don't want to sexualize dog in the mix.

[66] Like, if there's just a dog in the immediate area, that's fine if they're laying on the ground and nonpluss.

[67] But if they're revved up, that's a gross feeling.

[68] Well, what about their red rocket?

[69] Oh, my God.

[70] I always assume it's a human reincarnated that's trying to get sexy with us.

[71] Okay.

[72] Then he's got to go.

[73] He's got to go.

[74] Yeah, we can't have him involved.

[75] Is it Dan or is it...

[76] It's Newman.

[77] Yeah.

[78] The big goofy doodle.

[79] Those dudes are too human.

[80] Like, his eyes are creepy human eyes.

[81] The eye contact is the first thing to happen where...

[82] Oh, God.

[83] You know, if I look over and make eye contact, it usually turns out to end the session.

[84] Sure.

[85] Because it seems like an invitation?

[86] Yeah, it's just...

[87] I can't concentrate under that.

[88] Right, right, right.

[89] right, right.

[90] Well, we didn't have any dog stories in this round, so that was good.

[91] Yeah, but we do have some incredible ones.

[92] In fact, the one that I, which one do you remember?

[93] I remember all of them.

[94] Well, I don't want to say them because I don't want to spoil.

[95] Okay.

[96] Definitely the hiker.

[97] Yeah, that one felt very passionate.

[98] That was a juicy one.

[99] Yeah.

[100] Okay.

[101] Well, you're going to love these.

[102] So please enjoy Coitus Interruptus.

[103] Come and go Good times Take them slow I had them both I've ever one thing You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shiny I feel like we've jinxed ourselves A little bit with all this pooper teens talk like There's too many Is gonna go down Oh fuck I'm always on the verge So are you Joe?

[104] It's me, hi Joe are we gonna use your real name We can use my real name But I'm gonna keep other people's names out of it out of respect for the departed yes exactly okay so you got yourself interrupted during coitus yes mid coitus interruptus okay walk us through it i was in college and i was dating this lovely girl one night she throws a big party at her house so everybody's drinking playing games loud music basically we're all having a blast so later in the night while the party's still going on so tons of people still out there.

[105] We were pretty inebriated and feeling frisky.

[106] So we decided to go to her bedroom.

[107] So once the doors are closed, clothes are flying off, and things are heating up.

[108] Fast forward a bit.

[109] We've gone through the usual foreplay, and now we're in the middle of the main event.

[110] I'm on top.

[111] I'm getting into my groove.

[112] Thinking about baseball, thinking about roadside deaths.

[113] Anything to last longer.

[114] Yes, exactly.

[115] So I'm on top.

[116] I'm getting into my groove, and all of a sudden, I hear the bedroom door open behind me. No knock, nothing like that, just door opens.

[117] And I seem to remember you kind of talking about a moment where you were filming a sex scene, and your ass is...

[118] Your asshole, you're anus, yeah.

[119] You feel so vulnerable and...

[120] Very exposed.

[121] The apex of vulnerability.

[122] Yes, exactly.

[123] So my butt is just visible.

[124] I don't let people see my butt all the time.

[125] And it's splayed open, probably.

[126] It's like, it's open.

[127] it's not closed that's for sure right right right right my immediate reaction is like well oh geez okay they're getting a full of you with my ass and i have no idea who this is i haven't checked yet so i have to make a like split second decision do i stop or do i keep going oh okay all right i guess that's the decision i thought you're going to say do i put a sheet over my ass oh do i turn when my dick But no, you're like, do I just soldier on?

[128] I'm expecting whoever it is to open the door, squeal with embarrassment.

[129] Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

[130] And then slam the door.

[131] Great point.

[132] So I'm like, okay, I'm not going to let this interrupt my rhythm.

[133] If I throw anything off, it could just be a disaster for me here.

[134] I hear the door closed.

[135] I was like, okay, I'm just going to look over and check.

[136] There's two girls standing doors closed now.

[137] Oh, they came in and they saw what was happening.

[138] And then they closed the door and stuck around.

[139] close the door and they're standing there is your girlfriend like she's heard the commotion as well or yes yes but i'm more focused on who are these people and i look and i was like oh these are friends of hers i know these people more than merrier at this point i decided okay it's time to pause and figure out what's going on you know maybe there's an emergency it's not what i was expecting to happen but the girls just walked over to the bed and sat down they started chatting with us oh Oh, my gosh.

[140] What?

[141] Being the polite people that we are, we laid back on the bed and started catching up with some friends.

[142] What?

[143] They're fully clothed and we are butt naked.

[144] I'm fully erect.

[145] Yeah, you're hard as hell.

[146] You're 20 years old.

[147] Oh, yeah.

[148] God, things change.

[149] So the blankets are off the bed.

[150] There's nothing to cover up with.

[151] The small talk continues for a bit.

[152] Can I ask what the small talk?

[153] was was it just like hey great party we haven't been out in a while you guys had the licorice out there it's really good it was along those lines like hey I haven't seen you in a bit what do you guys been up to it's like what you would be talking to somebody about it a party but the circumstances are just different the small talk dies we're just kind of in some silence here and the girl closest to me no warning reaches out and grabs my shaft oh my gosh She's like a penthouse forum letter.

[154] Wow.

[155] So they knew what they were doing.

[156] I mean, if I was prepared or this had been talked about, obviously, I'm open to something like that.

[157] Yeah, you accommodate.

[158] A force?

[159] My immediate reaction is, I've got to figure out what's going on.

[160] So I look at my girlfriend, and she's giving me nothing.

[161] Yeah, for me really quick, I would just be like, is this a test?

[162] I'm supposed to, like, tell her, don't you dare touch this?

[163] That's hers.

[164] Or has this been pre -scripted in, like, it's party time?

[165] and this is her desire and her fantasy, and she just didn't want to tell me. Who's to know?

[166] I have no idea.

[167] I look at the girl who is currently grabbing my penis, nothing from her at all.

[168] What in the hell?

[169] Look a zombie story.

[170] We're just sitting in complete silence, hand on the dig for, you know, time goes slowly, I'm guessing minimum 15 seconds, but could have been upwards of 30 seconds.

[171] Wow.

[172] I don't know what to do at this point.

[173] I'm just sitting there and we're all just kind of silent.

[174] All of a sudden, the girl releases, they look at each other, they say a polite goodbye, and then they walk out.

[175] Wait, what?

[176] Do you think she had like, impulse control issues?

[177] No, no. And she's like, don't touch the dick, don't touch the dick, don't touch the dick.

[178] Oh, fuck, I'm all right, I did it, I had to do it.

[179] I'm still doing it.

[180] And we don't want to shame her at that point, you know.

[181] No, she's wrestling with something.

[182] Yeah.

[183] They came in to have a four son.

[184] I might have sprayed if that.

[185] Or it got soft.

[186] One of the two.

[187] Yeah.

[188] Because you're mentally prepared for the task at hand, but you throw a curveball like that in, and now there's a strange first time you're feeling this hand on your penis, you could spray.

[189] You've already done some quality pumps.

[190] A hundred percent.

[191] Primed and ready to go.

[192] So I'm kind of impressed, Joe, that you didn't.

[193] But maybe just the stress of whether you were making the right or wrong decision.

[194] It was just some combination there.

[195] Because absolutely, I think that would have been totally in the cards if it had been a planned event.

[196] Right.

[197] They're gone now.

[198] I now just have to figure out what's going on.

[199] I look at my girl and I say, well, that was weird.

[200] I was like, any idea what that was?

[201] She has, no idea.

[202] And we never spoke about it again.

[203] Wait.

[204] Oh, my goodness.

[205] My naive self at the time, I think what was going on is, like you said, Monica, I think she was being super sweet and was trying to set up this really fun, cool experience for me. Yeah.

[206] Now's the time.

[207] Trying new things, but she didn't want to overthink it or anything.

[208] We were young, so I'm assuming this would have been each of our first times in a situation like this.

[209] Sure.

[210] So nobody really knew how to approach it.

[211] And so the gut reaction was just, well.

[212] Okay.

[213] Yeah, like, oh, this will kick things off.

[214] Like, he'll handle it from here if I initiate.

[215] Fuck.

[216] Then I wish your girlfriend, if she had known, which I do kind of thing she did, She should have taken the reins at that point.

[217] So, okay, I agree with you.

[218] I think your assessment is accurate.

[219] That's such a big deal to come in while two people are fucking and shut the door and stay.

[220] So I agree with you.

[221] Where your girlfriend fucked this whole thing up is the fourth person.

[222] Like if a single girl had come in, sat down next to you, hi guys, how's it going, and then touches your penis?

[223] This is so obvious.

[224] It's the fucking bystander.

[225] It does make it odd.

[226] What's that person doing?

[227] A whole new variable.

[228] To be fair to her, she's young and she wants you.

[229] She's like, this is really going to be exciting.

[230] She looks around, she's like, who's the hottest girl at this party?

[231] Okay, it's Tiffany.

[232] I'm just wondering, do you want to maybe?

[233] Yeah, and then Sarah is there, and she's like, can I come?

[234] Exactly.

[235] And Seymour just wants to watch.

[236] I'm in college.

[237] I want to see a three.

[238] I'm part of fun stuff too.

[239] Right.

[240] So I'm coming in, but I don't have a game plan and I don't even have a role in this.

[241] And that's what fucked everything up.

[242] I think another one is one girl was like, yeah, I'm game, but like, I'm a little nervous.

[243] Can this person also come?

[244] Sure.

[245] And her boyfriend, Ted, Casey gets wild.

[246] Weirdly, this type of thing has happened to me many times, or I wouldn't say many, but a number of times.

[247] Really?

[248] Wow.

[249] I've told these types of stories to my friends before, because it's funny.

[250] And then also, has this ever happened to you?

[251] And no, this is not a common occurrence.

[252] And I don't know why this keeps happening to you.

[253] It's not, but I'm going to tell you why it's happening to you.

[254] I know exactly why it's happening to you.

[255] Lay it on me. Let's hear.

[256] Girls right or wrong really trust you.

[257] They think you're just into them.

[258] They're not threatened.

[259] No girlfriend of mine would have ever thrown that scenario at me because they know I was horny for everyone.

[260] They're like, oh, geez, you even let someone walk through the room and he's going to try to get them involved.

[261] Like, I wasn't trusted.

[262] I think women feel very safe with you and that you're very loyal.

[263] And then they think if anyone deserves this, it's you and you'll stay focused on the prize.

[264] Oh, well, that is really sweet.

[265] That is sweet.

[266] I think that's what's going on.

[267] I hope so.

[268] Also, are you just like dropping, quote, subtle hints that you love to have?

[269] I've been using inception techniques, all of that behind the scenes.

[270] This pizza's great.

[271] The only thing that could make it better is three pieces of this pizza.

[272] Two is good.

[273] Imagine how good three.

[274] I recently got promoted to menager, I mean, manager.

[275] Exactly.

[276] Yeah, I have a feeling I know where this is coming.

[277] Well, look, Joe, some guys are blessed, you know, some guys...

[278] You got a good role in the sin.

[279] Yeah, you got a real nice role.

[280] I mean, look, they picked the right guy and also the wrong guy.

[281] It's all complicated.

[282] The guy who was too naive to know something good when it falls in your laughing.

[283] Right.

[284] They were right.

[285] They were right about you.

[286] Oh, well, yeah.

[287] I mean, I appreciate that.

[288] And Dax, thank you for people.

[289] being vulnerable and showing guys that it's cool to be vulnerable.

[290] And Monica, Dax is right.

[291] Guys totally have crushes on you and you need to start accepting it.

[292] Thank you.

[293] I had a crush on you before I even saw what you looked like.

[294] I saw what you looked like.

[295] I was like, wow, okay.

[296] I apologize if that's too well.

[297] Love it.

[298] So flattering.

[299] She'll be inviting you and a friend over shortly.

[300] There'll be four of us there.

[301] Maybe five.

[302] You want minimally enough for a pickup game of basketball.

[303] This is really sweet.

[304] Well, Joe, thank you so much for those kind words.

[305] It's been a blast talking to you and enjoy the blessed.

[306] Oh, well, thank you.

[307] And you guys continue doing good work.

[308] Thank you so much.

[309] Bye, Joe.

[310] Bye.

[311] Hello.

[312] How are you?

[313] Good.

[314] How are you?

[315] Oh, you're so fit.

[316] The girthiness of your neck.

[317] I'm intimidated and jealous.

[318] and happy for you.

[319] Don't boost my confidence in my head on Monica.

[320] Are you down south somewhere?

[321] Right now I'm in Florida.

[322] We're on vacation.

[323] Oh, okay.

[324] We live in Roswell, Georgia.

[325] Oh, my God.

[326] Look at that.

[327] Ding, ding.

[328] Yeah.

[329] I lived in Duluth when I first moved there.

[330] No way.

[331] What was your spot?

[332] You know, I moved there to work, so I ended up living off Steve Reynolds.

[333] Harry's, do you remember Harry's?

[334] Of course I know Harry's.

[335] That's a farmer's.

[336] Well, it's a grocery store.

[337] Okay.

[338] It's all at Harry's Farmers Market.

[339] My mom loves Harry's.

[340] Is there a cafeteria inside?

[341] Oh, that's great.

[342] You moved a little bit, and I caught some bicep vascularity.

[343] Why are you so fit?

[344] My wife suggested that I take my shirt off.

[345] The last guy did that, so I thought that that may be a little bit stupid.

[346] It's just a hobby, or do you do something that makes you this fit?

[347] I'm like 50 years old.

[348] I played football in college and state.

[349] I play tennis now, so I try to stay in shape.

[350] Yeah.

[351] All right, well, it's working.

[352] I'm thinking that maybe I should say how good you look.

[353] No, no, no, no. I don't look that great right now.

[354] I do sometimes look great, but you can save it for the times I actually...

[355] Well, your shirt's a little loose today.

[356] I'm wearing a baggy thing, and I didn't lift today.

[357] My veins aren't where I'd like them to be for you to assess me. Okay.

[358] You got a pump in today.

[359] I can tell.

[360] Not yet.

[361] I'm going to play tennis as soon as this is over.

[362] Oh, okay, great, great.

[363] Okay, well, as much as I wish this was the prompt, tell us about a story of being super jacked.

[364] This, unfortunately, is the tell us the story of Coitus Interruptus.

[365] So please, Michael, tell us what happened.

[366] I was raised in Louisiana, northern Louisiana.

[367] My parents are Southern Baptist.

[368] They're very religious.

[369] Church three times a week.

[370] A lot of the apocalypse.

[371] Okay.

[372] Hell and fire and brimstone.

[373] So all of that stuff was there.

[374] You felt super guilty when you masturbated, all that stuff.

[375] Oh, my God.

[376] I'd still tell my wife every once in a while after we finish up, I have a little bit of guilt.

[377] I'm working with it.

[378] 1991.

[379] I'm a senior in high school.

[380] My parents had a lakehouse that was about an hour north of where we lived.

[381] After football games on Friday night, they would go up as soon as we were done.

[382] And then I would just go after I finished up my showers and whatnot.

[383] So on this particular Friday night, my mother told me that they were going to go ahead.

[384] So I could go to the house, pick up my stuff, and drive up later.

[385] But make sure to check the answer machine.

[386] Because if they got up there and they didn't, have something, they would call and leave it on there, and I would grab it.

[387] And Monica, an answering machine.

[388] Hey, come on.

[389] It's important.

[390] It had a cassette, right?

[391] Dax, I think we're the same age.

[392] So it's just a cassette recorder with a cassette in it, and you'd call and leave a message.

[393] Anyway, I'm 17.

[394] I see it as an opportunity for a girl to meet me at the house.

[395] Yeah, of course.

[396] Stupid question.

[397] Had you won the game that day?

[398] Yeah, we were very good.

[399] Oh, okay.

[400] So you're riding high.

[401] You're feet.

[402] Yeah.

[403] Okay, good, good, good.

[404] You're in a great mood.

[405] Girls on the way, you're a Victor.

[406] Oh, what a night to be alive.

[407] Yeah.

[408] Fantastic.

[409] Lakehouse awaits.

[410] As I get into this story, I think about how young Monica it is and I'm really afraid I'm going to use some of the wrong terminology.

[411] So if you're all offended, say, hey, dude, knock it off.

[412] I'm also not that young.

[413] 35.

[414] So we go inside.

[415] I push play on the message machine and there's no new message.

[416] a couple old messages, head back to the bedroom, lights are off, we go back to my bedroom.

[417] This is 1991.

[418] I had like a king -sized waterbed that left about a six -inch trail around the room.

[419] You know, it's pretty much just a room filled with bed.

[420] I had the same setup, brother.

[421] Oh, so good.

[422] Anyway, so I walk her to the side of the bed, and we're getting the hydraulic fluid lubed up there.

[423] I'm working the north end a little bit and doing my thing.

[424] Sure, sure.

[425] Yeah, bringing everything online.

[426] Yeah, absolutely.

[427] head down south and get things moving.

[428] Sure, sure, sure.

[429] We get the cover off of the thing.

[430] Layer down on the waterbed, and, you know, it's making that sweet swishing sound that lets you know what's coming.

[431] And I'm moving my way down the chest.

[432] I'm going to go meet this thing face to face.

[433] And just as soon as you get to the spot where somebody might yell out, bingo, this loud, dark, deep, ominous voice fills the earth as far as, as I'm concerned.

[434] In seconds, the words, Lord and God and heaven.

[435] And holy fuck, it washed over me, man. I realized that I had brought the apocalypse.

[436] You really at that moment thought, I'm so sinful.

[437] This is the end time.

[438] I brought her here.

[439] I'm going face to face with this thing.

[440] Marriage is not your intention.

[441] Right.

[442] So what are you doing it for?

[443] This fear and confusion and just, oh, fuck what now, washes over me. And I kind of remember putting myself together enough to know that I've got this young lady here.

[444] I got to go confront the Lord and Savior of the world.

[445] Yeah, I got to pause you.

[446] Terrible time to have this crisis of conscience because you've just come face to face.

[447] She might interpret.

[448] Exactly.

[449] That might trigger like, oh, fuck, what did he just see?

[450] What's wrong with me?

[451] that he just leapt up.

[452] She's hearing the voice, too.

[453] Oh.

[454] Oh, okay.

[455] It's like it's from the heavens, dude.

[456] It's not just for me. Oh, okay.

[457] I thought me it was just your own.

[458] Okay.

[459] No, no, no. She grew up somehow more religious than me, so she's probably thinking the chariots are coming too.

[460] What's up, guys?

[461] This your girl, Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[462] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[463] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[464] And I don't mean just friends.

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[466] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[467] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[468] We've all been there.

[469] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[470] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[471] but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[472] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

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[478] So I get up, I put the tools away, and I remember moving out into the hallway.

[479] We grew up in a small house, but I look down that hallway, and I swear to you, it felt like it was six miles long.

[480] And all I could think about on the other side of that hallway was coming around the corner and the bright light and the Lord standing in front of.

[481] of it and like, here we go, brother.

[482] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[483] Still, just completely freaked out.

[484] I eased my way down the hallway, and I'm about to make that turn into the living room, and I make the turn no light, but the voice is going strong.

[485] But the voice seems to be coming from a more central area at this point.

[486] Right.

[487] Not as omnidirectional or omnipresent.

[488] Right, but still just one Bible verse after another.

[489] So I moved towards the voice.

[490] and realize that the answer machine is the Lord's voice.

[491] Okay.

[492] So, like, I'm so caught up in all this shit that then I'm like, why is Jesus speaking through the...

[493] He couldn't get anyone on the phone so he left the message, maybe.

[494] He tried calling, but no one picked up.

[495] What an odd choice for the most powerful guy in the world.

[496] Yeah, yeah.

[497] Analog.

[498] So I moved to the message machine, and I looked down at it, and I flipped the light over, and I looked down in it, and it said the Holy Bible.

[499] on the cassette.

[500] And it all made sense.

[501] My father just couldn't get enough of the Bible on tape.

[502] He just listened to that shit all the time.

[503] Yeah.

[504] So we had these huge collections of them.

[505] Somebody ran out of cassettes.

[506] It's not really coming together that well at that point, but here's what's happening.

[507] I'll go further.

[508] Mom ran out of cassettes and put Dad's Bible thing in there to be recorded over.

[509] Because there's no way he would sacrifice that.

[510] No, no, no. I don't know.

[511] He'd make the trip up to Radio Shack and get some MRAX.

[512] Somebody had used this Holy Bible tape and the ancient thing.

[513] And later, I put all the science together.

[514] It's a certain cassette that's supposed to go in there.

[515] So when you finish the message, it's supposed to stop, rewind, and start over.

[516] Well, this is the wrong tape for the machine.

[517] So it had this big gap of emptiness that allowed me and her to get to the hot spot.

[518] And then the Lord's voice just came on.

[519] Oh, wow.

[520] So I figure all of this out, but I didn't go back to work.

[521] I didn't say, hey, let's start.

[522] I was like, get your shit.

[523] And we're getting out of here.

[524] And, dude, it stuck with me. I'm 48 years old and I'm still dealing with that shit.

[525] And she too equally like, oh, God, thanks for the warning.

[526] You know, I never remember talking her about that.

[527] It's so self -centered in the first place, you know, 17 -year -old boy.

[528] Big victory.

[529] Yeah.

[530] I should probably call her someday and be like, hey, sorry about all that.

[531] Wow.

[532] Interrupted by God.

[533] Wow.

[534] Not many folks are interrupted by the Lord.

[535] Yeah.

[536] Yeah.

[537] That's great.

[538] That's great.

[539] I bet she was also like grateful and relieved because if she was even more religious than you, hearing from God in that moment, it's like, I knew I wasn't supposed to.

[540] I knew it.

[541] Well, I didn't have this sexual guilt as much as I did have some masturbatory guilt for a while.

[542] But I will say we just did a stealing episode.

[543] And what I really related to was the pre -theft mindset, like, I'm going to get this.

[544] Here's the way I'm going to get it.

[545] Here's the reason I'm justified to steal, all these things.

[546] And then the second you get that thing you stole, it's like, oh, my God, what have I done?

[547] Why did I do that?

[548] I'm going to get caught, right?

[549] It's just on a dime.

[550] Similarly, you and this gal had experienced that post -orgasmic switch flip of like, I'm going to hell.

[551] I'm the worst person alive.

[552] So in some weird way, when you get interrupted at that moment, you're almost like, well, okay, well, that saved us the whole feeling terrible in 15 minutes.

[553] I guess so.

[554] Okay.

[555] Baby.

[556] I'll let you have it.

[557] No, did you feel guilty after you would have sex?

[558] Oh, God, yes.

[559] Yes, that's what I'm saying.

[560] Like, that's what was coming.

[561] You guys both knew somewhere in the back of your mind, oh, after we both finish, we're going to be riddled with guilt.

[562] So in some way getting interrupted when you have that mindset.

[563] It's almost like, you know you were saved the guilt session that's coming.

[564] That's a great way to look at it.

[565] The really crazy thing is how small the mind was at the time to think that I had ended the world by bringing this girl.

[566] Right.

[567] Yeah.

[568] I still feel I'm that important, but I backed off just a little bit.

[569] You know, I was about 14 when I started questioning things, and I did it out loud in a Sunday school class, went over really well.

[570] But then that thing happened, you know, you think you're moving in a direction and then all the sudden you hear the lord yeah but you know leaving that town and getting around people with the i just didn't know anybody that thought any different so i don't know where the hell it came from to question it but then when you finally find your people you're like thank god i mean i don't have to worry about getting down there and meeting that thing and have an armageddon again that's right that's right although it does raise the stakes which is fun you know that's true that can be fun yeah i mean if you think this thing's so desirable.

[571] You're willing to go to hell for it.

[572] That says a lot.

[573] Yeah, it's very complimentary.

[574] It's flattering.

[575] I'll go to hell for you, baby.

[576] I think at that age you probably would.

[577] Oh, God, yes, God.

[578] You're short -sighted.

[579] Well, Michael, that was a delight.

[580] What a delight to meet you as well.

[581] Thanks for the kind words.

[582] You were supposed to ask me what my favorite episode was.

[583] Monica, would you like to ask?

[584] Oh, sure.

[585] Hey, I was wondering.

[586] What's your favorite episode?

[587] I'm going to guess.

[588] All right, my guess is Dog the Bounty Hunter.

[589] I was very impressed with that, but I'm so in love with David Sedaris and have been for so long.

[590] Oh, he's the best.

[591] And Malcolm Gladwell, like, how can you get enough?

[592] And big ups for telling Julia Louis Dreyfus, she's a 10.

[593] Oh, thank you.

[594] Thank you.

[595] That's back when I was still allowed to say that.

[596] I don't care.

[597] It was so necessary.

[598] When Connie Britton was on, I was like, dude, you got to let her know.

[599] She's a 10.

[600] Smoke show.

[601] You did.

[602] I switched out 10 for smoke show.

[603] Bombshell, bomb show.

[604] He still finds a way.

[605] Don't worry.

[606] Well, Michael, what a delight.

[607] So nice to meet you.

[608] And thanks so much for giving us that story.

[609] Thanks a lot, guys.

[610] That was super fun.

[611] Take care.

[612] All right.

[613] Good night.

[614] That was fun.

[615] Hi there.

[616] Are we allowed to use your real name?

[617] You can call me Carrie.

[618] Carrie.

[619] Okay, wonderful.

[620] Where are you at in the world, Carrie?

[621] I'm in BC, Canada.

[622] Oh, are you at Whistler?

[623] I'm in Squamish, so just so.

[624] Oh, okay, wonderful.

[625] Are you a snowboarder, a mountain climber?

[626] You're a mountain climber.

[627] Mostly, but also a snowboarder.

[628] Yeah.

[629] The arms gave it away.

[630] Look at those fucking pipes, Monica.

[631] Oh, my God.

[632] Is it inappropriate to ask you to actually flex like this, like a bodybuilder?

[633] Can we see it?

[634] Oh, my, wow.

[635] Fuck, yeah.

[636] Okay.

[637] Those are really nice.

[638] Oh, wow.

[639] Carrie, well done, well done.

[640] Thank you.

[641] Okay.

[642] Luckily, you're having coitus with that great body because you had coitus interrupt us at some point.

[643] Tell us what happened.

[644] This is a really gross story.

[645] So if anyone's, like, eating lunch.

[646] Okay.

[647] Hey, stop doing that.

[648] Trigger warning.

[649] Okay, so this was back in the day I used to be an addict.

[650] And so I was incredibly high on ecstasy with my partner.

[651] And we're walking home from whatever we were doing that day.

[652] I can't even remember.

[653] And we were like ravenously horny.

[654] Oh, yeah.

[655] We just can't wait for it, you know.

[656] And the whole way home.

[657] When we get into our tiny little.

[658] like 100 square foot apartment we're just ripping each other's clothes off right at the door it's just like we vaporized our clothes are in a pile so i'm on my period important detail great who cares who gives a fuck your flies are there they've arrived they're there they're there they're buried there it's like the first day they're okay heavy flow heavy flow we don't care so we're going at it and i really liked rough sex at this time and we're just just like, I'm, like, getting smashed against walls.

[659] We're in the kitchen, which is, like, right beside our entry door.

[660] I'm getting smashed against cabinetry.

[661] He's, like, pounding me super hard, and blood is, like, going everywhere.

[662] And I'd imagine on ecstasy, you're, like, you're embracing it.

[663] Like, this is primal.

[664] Well, yes, exactly.

[665] We were into it, and it's just, like, splattering everywhere.

[666] And it's getting on, like, his face.

[667] Oh, my God.

[668] On his hands And I'm like on the walls And there's handprints everywhere Oh wow And then all of a sudden We hear a bang on the door And we're like oh shit I would just quiet for a second And then another bang Police open up What?

[669] And we're like Oh fuck Okay well I guess we better answer the door Yeah We like get ourselves as together as we can Oh my God And it looks obviously like murder scene at this point.

[670] It looks like a murder scene.

[671] Like, we are covered in blood.

[672] Oh, my God.

[673] We're sweating profusely.

[674] You've just cut a body up in the bathroom.

[675] Exactly.

[676] And I can, like, see their eyes.

[677] There's two police officers.

[678] Their eyes are just moving around the room behind us, just like looking at all these smears.

[679] Oh, not everywhere.

[680] They know right away.

[681] They just look back at And they're just like, just keep it down, okay?

[682] Oh.

[683] Oh, it was a noise complaint.

[684] So a neighbor had thought you were getting beat up in there.

[685] Yeah.

[686] And we were in like a really sketchy neighborhood as well.

[687] It would make sense.

[688] So they thought there was like a domestic violence thing going on.

[689] Oh, shit.

[690] Of course.

[691] And they come in and they see that and are probably both like relieved and horrified at the same time.

[692] Well, really quick, did you have to explain anything or did they just put two and two together right away?

[693] They're like you're on day one of your flow.

[694] How would they know that?

[695] There was not a lot of words said.

[696] There was some eye contact in the background.

[697] They looked at each other.

[698] I'm assuming they knew because they were just like, guys, just keep it down, okay?

[699] Oh, wow.

[700] Wow.

[701] Well, maybe because did you like have to put a robe or a towel on or something?

[702] Like maybe they...

[703] They probably had that mid -quital look.

[704] And they were on X -E so their eyes were huge.

[705] Our pupils were like the size of bowling.

[706] balls.

[707] Yeah, manhole covers.

[708] I'm covered in blood, but like no stab wounds anyway.

[709] I love that it was on his face.

[710] I know.

[711] I know.

[712] I didn't even know how it got there.

[713] Probably on my face too.

[714] I just like, oh my God, an absolute crime scene.

[715] A couple follow -up questions.

[716] Were you able to climax while on ecstasy?

[717] I am.

[718] He wasn't.

[719] That's the beauty.

[720] I have climaxed a single time on ecstasy and after having ruled out that that was an option for years.

[721] So when it happened a i was like of course it's compounded by ecstasy and it's a complete shock because i thought it was impossible oh my god and if i had to put a pin in a moment in time that i'd like to be stuck in it would probably be that oh wow yeah i mean naturally i'd rather be with my family but beyond that just the actual apex of intensity how long have you been sober i've been completely sober for two and a half years.

[722] I've not had an issue for, I guess, maybe 12.

[723] And the last two and a half are completely sober because I had a brain injury.

[724] Oh, from climbing?

[725] From mountain biking.

[726] Okay.

[727] It's not good for your brain.

[728] And to be honest, though, I'm loving it.

[729] I love it.

[730] Yeah, yeah.

[731] Good.

[732] It's amazing.

[733] Here's my next question.

[734] Did you watch that incredible documentary?

[735] It's insulting that I can't remember his name, but it was about this kid who climbed and he did every kind of terrain and he didn't care if anyone was following him.

[736] Did you see that one?

[737] It was really good.

[738] And then he died.

[739] He was climbing ice.

[740] I did.

[741] And it, yeah, it made me sweat for sure.

[742] Well, the thing I walked away with is so many people not in that community look at it as what a reckless guy.

[743] Of course he died.

[744] And my takeaway was if he hadn't had that, he would have just been a really bad addict who died.

[745] I mean, I really think that's where he was headed.

[746] And I just wonder if you see any of the overlap between being compelled to climb and adventure stuff and just the attic, like if not for this level of dedication to something arousing, you would probably be an addict?

[747] It is definitely a replacement.

[748] And I do find that me in comparison to my friends that don't have issues with that or never did, that I do seek a higher level of physical effort and a little bit of danger too.

[749] I really like scrambling and activities like that with like high exposure.

[750] I feel excited where someone might feel terrified.

[751] But I need that.

[752] That makes me feel happy and engaged.

[753] Yeah.

[754] Last question.

[755] Do you think you came to this by way of genetics or nurture?

[756] Hard both.

[757] My dad is an alcoholic still is.

[758] My brother as well.

[759] And the reason why I think that I could have a beer now if I wanted to or whatever else it is and be fine.

[760] And it's because I've gotten rid of the nurture that made me feel like I'm a piece of shit.

[761] I don't have that to numb anymore.

[762] Oh, that's lovely.

[763] That's so good.

[764] What a great story.

[765] It made me horny that story.

[766] Did it make you horny, Monica?

[767] Yeah, yeah, it sounds pretty primal and wild.

[768] Yeah.

[769] Well, I'm glad it didn't make you bark.

[770] No. Well, Carrie, thank you so much for that story.

[771] That was raucous.

[772] Yeah, thanks for having me. It's a very surreal experience to actually be engaging in this show after listening to it all the time.

[773] You can't listen.

[774] in while you climb, can you?

[775] You've got to be, like, ultra -focused.

[776] Yeah, and that's also part of what I'd like about it.

[777] It's, I'm only here.

[778] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[779] That's what I like about the motorcycle track.

[780] You don't have one second to let your mind wander.

[781] It's not allowed.

[782] Exactly.

[783] Yeah.

[784] All right, well, great meeting you and we're delighted to have gotten to talk to you.

[785] Yeah, thank you.

[786] Thanks for having me. All right, bye, bye, guys.

[787] Wow.

[788] Well, shit.

[789] A lot of ways to get interrupted.

[790] Police, God.

[791] I was a little nervous entering this one.

[792] And I think I said it on our original prompt thing.

[793] Like, if it's just your kids running in, like maybe we've had an, like, we know.

[794] There was even two in there where I was like, oh, parents are coming in.

[795] Yeah.

[796] And then no. No. These were fantastic.

[797] And two borderline bodybuilders back to back.

[798] So that was a little added thing.

[799] And then, of course, that homicide scene.

[800] Oh, sure.

[801] What a ride.

[802] I got to call my sponsor after that.

[803] I love you.

[804] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[805] I'm going to a theme song.

[806] Oh.

[807] Okay, great.

[808] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[809] So here I go, go, go.

[810] We're going to ask some random questions.

[811] And with the help of our Jerry's book, we'll get some suggestions.

[812] On the fly a rhyme, fish.

[813] I love why I rhyme dish, enjoy.

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